Tuesday, March 27, 2018

How to Destroy the NRA... Parkland Style!

How to destroy the NRA, eh?  'Effin A!  I've written about this in the past.  And I plan to write about it in much greater detail.  In 2019.  Pump up the volume!  So here's the general template grounded in the recent 2018 "March for our Lives."  Parkland survivors, take note.

It's vital to assess reality here.  The NRA takes in about a half billion per year.  That's a sizeable sum, but in the scheme of things... meh.  Hell, all you gotta do is find a single Tom Steyer or George Soros.  They're out there.  And trust me, if you pull off my idea, they'll come knocking at your door, spamming your inbox, literally begging to jump on board.  In any event, this whole thing is about words, not money.  Emotion takes precedence over everything.  Because morality ultimately defeats $.  At least that should be the ethical consensus.

The superior way to damage the NRA is to split its membership into two distinct, separate camps.  The profiteers and politicians (which account for about 10%) vs. the commoners (90%).  You offer people an alternative.  Stir up an internal hornet's nest.  It's called divide and conquer.

The NRA thrives off its 5 million strong populist membership.  They pay about $40/yr.  But it's their numbers that matter.  Not the paltry revenue from yearly dues.  There's basically a core group of lobbyists, NRA leadership, foreign agitators and a few wealthy contributors.  These are the people at the top of the food chain.  But the bulk of the NRA is the 2nd Amendment faithful... women concerned for their personal safety, men protecting their homes and children, gun collectors and shooting range enthusiasts, and of course, the hunters.  These are the regular Joes.

A quick aside.  Does anyone recall Mitt Romney?  When asked on the campaign trail, "Sir, exactly what animals do you hunt?"  He confidently snapped back, "small game, varmints and such."  WTF! Classic.  Mitt is beyond the shit.  How can you bash Trump as a... a phony, a fraud, a con-artist... and then beg him for the Secretary of State position?  On multiple occasions, no less.  Oh, how the mighty Mitt has fallen.  Kinda figures that Utah will provide a safe rebound.  Mormonothons!  How I love thee, let me count the seer stones.  But I digress.  

Okay, breathe.  So whether you like it or not, these Parkland kids are now de facto celebrities.  It's either the "famed crisis actor" and "high school kid in his mid-20's" David Hogg.   Or Emma, the "skinhead lesbian" with a political "allegiance to Cuba."  Or the girl who threw up on live television.  Or the kid with an ostensibly thicker mane of Trump hair than orange fucko.  There's about 15-20 of them who've really stepped up.  I salute them.  But the main stars are likely Emma & David.

Now all the adult journalists, have said, and will continue to say, "You kids did a great job, but where do we go from here?  How do you sustain your mission and keep it relevant in the news cycle?  How do you make a real-world impact?  Because lemme tell ya something, the NRA ain't gonna to take this lying down.  They'll fight back.  So what's the plan?

Well, here's the game plan.  Have those two explain to their parents that they have a moral and patriotic obligation to forego their college plans.  Mom, Dad... we're going to change the world!  We're going to keep this movement a moooo-vin'.   We're gonna hit the road for the 2018 midterms.

Hit the road?  Yep, we're headin' out to the highway (Halford style).  For the love of Judas! 

Personally speaking, I call this "takin' it to the streets."

Emma and David, and their fellow classmates, and some regional politicians, and maybe a few intermittent celebs... are gonna flood the arena circuit.  Very much like Trans-Siberian Orchestra.  A big, flashy tour in a tight, limited time frame.  Major coliseums all across the country.  But instead of pro-Christmas, metalized, lit-up religion, you'll be getting a heavy dose of anti-NRA propaganda.  Everyone from the local community gets a chance to stand up and share their stories about gun violence and how it has impacted their lives.  Ordinary residents are vital.  Because they're authentic.  A superior representation of the crowd.  Plus, friends and family will come to support them.  Then, you close it out with the tv superstars. 

The length of the tour should be 2 months total.  Always commence the day after Labor Day.  This year, it's September 4, 2018... til election day on November 6, 2018.  50-60 gigs should be sufficient, to adequately cover the country.  Anymore would be overkill.  Start in the East and gradually migrate out West.  All wraps up in early November.  Like a just-in-time inventory crusade right before the election.

The main priority is to visit all those major cities with House & Senate seats in purple states.  Bombard the tight races in swing districts.  But keep in mind, there must ALWAYS be a 50-state strategy.  You cannot dismiss the deep South and midwest and expect to ultimately succeed.  You gotta demonstrate that you're willing to preach in the breadbasket of the Lord. 

As I was sayin', lots of arenas across this great land.  These one-night events are designed to pay homage to the victims of gun violence.  Pretty much everyone knows someone who has been killed by a gun.  And even if you don't, you still know someone personally impacted.  You can broaden it a little, to include domestic violence and mental health and suicide, but the overriding focus should be specific... gun violence.  And more importantly...

A federal ban on the AR-15.  This is the benchmark for success.

You need to go after a specific device because of all the nuances and irregularities in the gun industry.  This clip, that magazine, safety mechanisms, hollow point bullets, tracer ammunition, etc.  There's just too many variables.  Too easy to get bogged down in the details.  You need to send a message that "this specific weapon, and those of comparable or greater firepower, is where the new line will be drawn."

For the love of Worf, I've never seen Picard so pissed.

You need to focus on weapons that discharge at a high capacity and have no other viable use, except for, of course, the enjoyment derived from the firing of the weapon itself.  I think most reasonable human beings would forego the thrill obtained from firing an AR-15, if you could convince them that their sacrifice could save innocent lives. 

Some key talking points for the "March for our Lives."  Naturally, we'll do ten.

1.  To all you politicians.  Yeah, you can keep your indiscriminate killing machines.  But that blood money from the gun lobby's going to cost you your congressional office or Senate seat.  We're putting you on notice, you're gonna get booted the fuck out.  Enjoy those weapons while you got 'em... you bought and paid for pieces of sadistic shit.

2.  Take over the existing term #MarchMadness.  Yeah, sure the NCAA will hate your guts.  Too bad!  This is about causing disruption and mayhem.  The financial interests of the NCAA can take a backseat.  While you're at it, co-opt #MarchForLife.  Screw the pro-life fanatics.  Last time I checked, hashtags are ripe for the taking. You get the gist.  Saturate social media.

3.  Ya wanna know something?  It's crazy, but guns are a lot like pornography.  It's okay to buy a gun.  It's okay to shoot a gun.  But you're not allowed to go out on the town and commit indiscriminate slaughter.  Same thing's true with pornography.  It's legal.  You can buy it, sell it, use it, whatever.  But it's against the law to pillage and plunder with some kind of "marauding gangbang rape crew." 

I repeat.  You're not allowed to shoot-up a school of first graders.  Contrarily, you're not allowed to behave like a Roman Catholic priest, molesting mass quantities of children and scarring them for life.  The correlation on this one is big.  Because it highlights a deeper analogy that most people have never considered.  And once it's in your head, you can't go back.  The concept resonates.  Don't shy away from the guns & pornography analogy.  It's a winner.

4.  We're here to establish a legitimate, credible alternative to the National Rifle Association.  A new group.  We'll call it the RGO (Responsible Gun Owners).  This is fundamental to the divide and conquer strategy.  If you want to strike true fear into the hearts of Wayne LaPierre and Dana Loesch, look no further.  Nothing terrifies them more than the potential for an NRA splinter faction, peeling apart from their base.

Hey, it's okay to own a gun.  We respect the Second Amendment.  But it was our friends whose bodies were shredded beyond visual recognition.  These killing machines have no place in a civil society.  We have no qualms with hunters.  But we do have qualms with human hunters.

5.  Occasionally use the weapons of mass destruction analogy.  Citizens aren't allowed to buy fertilizer in mass quantity.  Or construct homemade bombs.  Or weaponize anthrax.  Where do you draw the line?

Focus on the Sandy Hook and Vegas massacres.  So far, those are the ones that really defy sanity.  Ask the crowd, what's it going to take until there's significant government action?  Do we really need someone to light up a maternity ward or one of those Make-A-Wish children's hospitals or a veteran's funeral?  Oh yeah, we know what it would take.  We know the truth.  Someone would have to shoot up Congress.  Then, and only then, the cowardly politicians would act.  When it's their lives that were summarily terminated.  Hint: a child can get away with saying this stuff.  An adult... not so much.     

6.  Stick with the youth model.  Make a concerted effort to keep the median age of the speaker under the age of 18.  It just makes for a less rehearsed, spontaneous conversation.  Plus, if you're underage, you can get away with more.  The courts have more difficulty holding kids accountable for their actions.  In this case, slander.  This is a tremendous, often overlooked advantage.  Special interest groups that demonize high school kids and children?  C'mon, Man!

7.  Challenge the gratuitous offering of "thoughts and prayers."  No explanation warranted.  No mercy.  No more god bullshit and that atrocious "the Lord needed him in heaven" excrement!  Use some common sense.  That shit is patently embarrassing and highly offensive.

8.  Focus on the fringe element positions of the NRA.  They want people on terrorist watch lists and no-fly lists to be able to purchase weapons.  Does this make sense?  They think you should be allowed to buy an AR-15, but not a single, watered-down Bud Light.  Does this make sense?  No background checks for people with felonies and a history of mental illness.  Does this make sense?  Make sure to include a list of big pharma companies and anti-psychotic medications.  Name names.  Be specific. 

9.  Keep everything affordable.  ALL payments and routine contributions at the level of $20.  Never any more, never any less.  It's half the cost of a yearly NRA membership.  And it'll be the standard entry fee to all major arena events. 

10.  Make sure people realize that this arena "March Madness" tour (held in Sept/Oct/Nov) will be held in perpetuity.  It's here to stay.

That pretty much covers the major themes.

But #10 is the be all, end all.  This anti-gun tour must be perpetual.  Twice every four years, coinciding with the midterms and the presidential race.  If people want to branch out and do it more often... at smaller venues.  Well, that's up to them.  But the system's continuity, and I know this sounds incorrigible, relies on producing new victims.  And yes, I know this sounds demoralizing, but there will always be new victims.  Keep the speakers fresh and young.  Close every event with a "the time has come to pass the torch" theme.   

Another critical factor is keeping the movement DECENTRALIZED.  You do not want a figurehead, a single spokesperson or CEO at the top.  Because that particular representative will inevitably be attacked and marginalized.  It could even be someone as beloved as Tom Hanks or Jimmy Carter.  Doesn't matter.  It needs to be this perpetual grassroots movement, specifically tailored to persist and overcome.  It must be "we the people."

Every two years, March Madness will spawn a new group of leaders who've been victimized by mass shootings and random gun violence.  Like I was saying, those in charge will pass the torch... to a new and different crew of activists.  The theory being... as long as there are mass killings in the United States (and unfortunately, there always will be.  This problem will not magically disappear), a new group of faces will forge onward.  The tour never ends.

Those are the basics. Get it?  Any questions, call me.


Please note:  This article was an appetizer.  If you're ready for the main entree... how to prevent the next 9/11 --- indiscriminate killing WITHOUT conventional weapons, check my site.

agsaf.org (Artificially Generated Stampede Awareness Foundation)

Friday, March 23, 2018

Stand up with Saf

I just wrote a parody of the Tammy Wynette classic "Stand by your Man."  My version's name is "Stand up with Saf."  Same syllable progression and general level of excitement.  It encapsulates my love of salmon and stampede prevention.  Two subjects you rarely hear spoken of in the same song.

Stand by your Man

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man.
You'll have bad times
And he'll have good times,
Doin' things that you don't understand
But if you love him you'll forgive him,
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him oh be proud of him,
'Cause after all he's just a man

Stand by your man,
Give him two arms to cling to,
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely

Stand by your man,
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man
Stand by your man,
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

Stand up with Saf

Most times the fish he eats is salmon
Often grilled and seared in just one pan
They’ll be bad rhymes
But these aren’t bad crimes
Wishin’ to assist our motherland
Still some will hate him, oh and berate him
Yinzers know he’s hard to understand
He offers too challenging a plan

Stand up with Saf
He’s one of the brave and few
And even though kosher Jew
His concerns aren’t baloney

Stand up with Saf
Just wants to save life and limb
Stop saying he makes you all laugh
Stand up with Saf
Stand up with Saf
Just wants to save life and limb
Stop saying he makes you all laugh
Stand up with Saf

Here's an old school video for stylistic comparison.  youtube.com/watch?v=f2KP9fYZUWA

I'll probably do a similar ripoff of Dio's "Stand up and Shout."  And maybe the Steel Dragon version from the movie Rockstar starring what's his face Boogie Nights guy.  I'm quite certain many will give a shit. 

Friday, March 09, 2018

Stormy Daniels Parody

They're real. And they're spectacular. Yeah, right!

Every time I hear the media mention the name Stormy Daniels, it evokes the tone and tenor of Don Ho's "Tiny Bubbles."  I can't believe no one else sees it.  I want to live in a world where everyone croons the name "Store... me... Dan... yules."  In an Aldi's.  In a Kroger's.  In a Walmart's.  Could be Rachel Maddow.  Could be Sean Hannity.  Could be Wolf Blitzer.   It does not matter.  Conservative, liberal, right, left, Mitch McConnell, Nancy Pelosi, whatever.  Someone really needs to step up and mainstream this shit.

So here's a link to an original Don Ho performance - Hollywood Palace 1967.

He omits the final 4 lines.  Fortunately, the lyrics and syllable progression are consistent with the Dead's Not Fade Away.  It's a nice fit.  Naturally, this is known as a Stormy Daniels > NFA.  A great way to close out any performance.  Get that crowd feedback going.  And then reemerge for a lone encore.

If you can't see what I'm talking about, you have no business here on this blog.

Tiny Bubbles (original lyrics)

Tiny bubbles (tiny bubbles)
In the wine (in the wine)
Make me happy (make me happy)
Make me feel fine (make me feel fine)
Tiny bubbles (tiny bubbles)
Make me warm all over
With a feeling that I'm gonna
Love you till the end of time
So here's to the golden moon
And here's to the silver sea
And mostly here's a toast
To you and me
So here's to the ginger lei
I give to you today
And here's a kiss
That will not fade away

Stormy Daniels (the sonofspoof)

Stormy Daniels (Stormy Daniels)
She's so fine (she's so fine)
Hair not nappy (hair not nappy)
I'll make her mine (I'll make her mine)
Stormy Daniels (Stormy Daniels)
I rode and drove her
In the bedroom and the sauna
Upon her body I climb
Here's to her bushy trimmed poon
And to her va-gine-er-ree
I became so engrossed
Paid you a fee
One hundred thirty I paid
no matter what you say
you know our love
(love) will not fade away (bop, bop... bop, bop)

So... if you happen to know any high profile journalist or media personality, please share.  This whole lawsuit/arbitration escapade has legs.  The story will endure.  All I'm asking is for a little Stormy Daniels with my morning coffee.  Is that really asking too much?  Hmm, maybe I should switch to Sanka.

Saturday, March 03, 2018

Asymmetric Strategy to Force a Trump Resignation

All through the 2016 Republican primary, I kept getting the feeling that Trump's campaign would implode.  The "Mexicans are rapists" line.  Personally, I thought it crossed the line and he was finished before he started.  But nothing happened.  Then, it was onward to the mocking of Senator John McCain's POW status.  How he likes people who don't get captured.  Considering his multiple Vietnam draft deferments for bone spurs, not to mention the human decency angle, I thought Trump was cooked.  But the GOP just took it in stride.

Later on, he insulted that Gold Star military mother.  And seemed almost emboldened by the flood of sexual misconduct allegations, affairs and the grab 'em by the pussy outtake.  All the while, the misspelled twitter insults and barrage of juvenile nicknames.  Remember the picture of Ted Cruz's wife juxtaposed with Melania?  Charlottesville, emoluments violations, corruption, and on, and on, and on it goes.  I won't even bother focusing on all the lies, half-truths, nonsensical distractions and relevant idiocracy.

I suppose we could wait for Mueller's investigation to play itself out.  Or the ill-fated Tom Steyer impeachment campaign.  We could wait... I suppose.  But I have a superior option. It takes little effort or preparation.  And it's free too.  Won't cost the taxpayer a dime.

I think the time is right to drive Trump to the point of a mental breakdown.

You know, make the voracious, fat orange fuck go Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs.

Usually, people who have zero empathy and are oblivious to reality tend to be poor candidates for a psychological assault.  Things just seemingly bounce off them as if they're made of teflon.  Kinda surprised you don't hear the "Teflon Don" mafia analogy more often.  Wonder why.

So here's my idea. It's a pretty straightforward.

Get Stephen Hawking to "sing" the National Anthem at a major sporting event.  Even though he's British, I'm pretty sure he'd go along with the idea if the result was a Trump nervous breakdown.

I can assure you, if Hawking "sang" the anthem, it would be the last straw.  Trump would lash out in ways inconceivable.  Think about it.  First and foremost, due to his ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis), he's incapable of standing for the anthem.  Strike one!  Hawking also couldn't properly put his hand over his heart as he'd be needing it to articulate the words from his keyboard.  Strike Two!   And the distorted electronic murmurings of the Star Spangled Banner would infuriate Donald's phony patriotic sensibilities as well.  Strike Three!  You're OUT! (or as Trump would say, "Your out!")
Note: Trump already has a triumphantly proud history of mocking people with physical disabilities.

Hawking is elderly, frail and in pretty bad shape.  The perfect target!  He's also regarded as one of the most intelligent people on the planet earth.  Whereas, Trump is widely considered to be one of the dumbest inhabitants of the galaxy.  Deliberate and considerate vs. impetuous and obnoxious.  The writer and physicist vs. tweeter and con artist.  The cowardly, privileged, phony elitist vs. an inspirational individual who overcame physical setbacks deemed near impossible.  The contrast between the two could not be more stark.  Let's get ready to rumble!

So that's my idea.  Get Stephen Hawking to sing the national anthem.  I assure you, Trump would totally lose his orange shit.  Coordinate it with the 2018 NCAA Championship finale... and it will go down in history as the ultimate achievement in "March Madness."