Monday, April 28, 2014

The Don Sterling Crisis Management Solution

I just read a quote from Michael Gordon, CEO of Gordon Group, a public relations firm based in New York.  He claims "There's no crisis management in the world that will fix this, so he has to go."

I vehemently disagree.  Don Sterling could navigate his way through this shit.  But he has to follow my advice.

Don Sterling, the LA Clippers owner is in one helluva predicament after making some "slave plantation oriented" comments.  Let me first say, I'm sure the guy's a complete arrogant asshole racist fuck.  Now having said that... HERE IS HOW HE CAN SPIN THIS MESS and COME OUT ON TOP.

The most important thing he must do is GO ON THE OFFENSIVE and CHANGE THE NARRATIVE.  The time is now.  Don't lurk in the shadows and consult with legal experts.  You must physically make yourself available to the press.  You cannot duck them and speak through an attorney.  This will take enormous balls.  Whoops, I mean chutzpah you elderly Jew prick.

So you come on the news talk show circuit.  Hannity is probably your best bet, but any of them will do.  You immediately PIVOT the conversation to obsolete emergency evacuation protocol.  You tell the host...

"Listen, I'm going to share something with you the U.S. government is too afraid to acknowledge.  They know about it but they won't tell the sports fans and those who gather in large, confined crowds.  Yep, that's right.  This applies to all stadiums, arenas, ballparks and motor speedways.  This is vastly more important than any private conversation I had with my girlfriend.  Regardless of your personal opinion about my behavior, I think the American people deserve to hear the truth.  It's actually a civil rights issue --- based on the 2nd Amendment and the right to defend oneself."

"Obama, the Dept. of Homeland Security, the FCC --- none of them will openly admit that in the unlikely event of an emergency evacuation, the initial order would NEVER be issued from your cell phone.  Go ahead.  Ask Obama.  You won't even be allowed to ask him.  Same thing with the NFL and Roger Goodell.  And Major League Baseball with Bud Selig.  And the NBA with Commissioner Silver.  They won't touch it.  Why?  Not because they've never heard about the problem.  They're trying to cover their asses in the event of an artificially generated stampede."

"They're terrified of the trail of plausible deniability and potential litigation.  Plain and simple." 

"They're ultimately cowards of big business and puppets of the U.S. government.  Afraid to take a stand on a very real, albeit inevitably hypothetical, asymmetric national security issue.  They're all alike --- motivated strictly by money, power and politics.  Willing to sacrifice the lives of American citizens for their own personal benefit.  You wanna know what's truly disgusting?  Now that is what's truly disgusting.  The idea that they'd play games of silence and denial while innocent lives hang in the balance.  I'm out here willing to talk about it while those pansies are cowering in the corner."

So anyway... Don Sterling you're a fuckhead likely about the scope and magnitude of my neighbor Fuckface.  However, if you want to win, or at the very least, neutralize this public relations disaster, just go to my website.  Learn the material and come out swinging.  All of a sudden, you'll become poison.  But in an entirely different sense.  Nobody will want to speak with you.  And that's because you'll be explaining how to weaponize a cell phone.  If everyone is carrying a weapon in a large, confined crowd --- well... that's a pretty big secret, not something the "powers that be" would want in the public domain.

Truly ironic.  He could actually come out on top as a savior to humanity.  Someone who stood up to the government.  Might get him more respect than he ever thought possible (in the eyes of history).  Either way, there's nobody in power that would be willing to challenge him on this subject.  Because of the lose-lose proposition.  Either way, he's 80 years old and totally loaded.  He'll figure out a way through.

By the way, the Asian girlfriend-mistress, is the most evil phony bitch on the planet.  Check out the futuristic, bee-keeper disguise.

Am I the only one hearing those tapes?  Totally goading him on.  And as a manipulator, she's not really even that talented (and that's knowing full well the conversation is being taped!).  What a fucking guntless cunt!  Why is nobody pissed off at her?

Anyway... here you go Sterling.  Even though you're a piece of shit, you could still do this.  It's way more important than your silly basketball franchise and irrevocably tarnished community standing.  It's a generational warfare precedent.  Not that you'd be able to comprehend that shit.

decentralized Obama Presidential Library

I just saw an article about how the state of Illinois doesn't wish to spend 100 million dollars for the groundbreaking of the Barack Obama Presidential Library.  The state legislature is complaining that with its current debt of 7 billion, such a demonstrable fiscal allocation is a poor decision.  Call me crazy, but I agree.  Naturally, the Illinois Dems are trying to ramrod everything through and get the project rolling.  Sweet!  The deadline for the project is June 6, 2014.  They currently want the thing to be located at Chicago State University (never heard of it), University of Northern Illinois (I imagine they already have a library) and some other school in Chicago.

I suppose things could be worse.  They could build it in Hawaii or if Rush Limbaugh has any say... possibly Nairobi, Kenya.

Exactly how many people in the United States will visit the 150 million dollar Bill Clinton library in Arkansas?  How many people have ever even been to central Arkansas.  Except for this guy I suppose.

Well, I've been through Little Rock.  It's a fine town.

The same thing goes for George Bush and his library in Lubbock or at Texas A&M or wherever.  It cost somewhere in the 250 million dollar range.  Or the other Bush library elsewhere in Texas.  Midland, Crawford or who knows where.

Tangent:  I despise parents who name their kids after cities in the great state of Texas (Austin, Tyler, Dallas, Houston, etc.).  Makes me wanna puke.

Now I realize that much of the money is raised through corporate fundraising and individual philanthropic contributions... but still, it seems odd that when it's all said and done, such a small number of people will ever actually benefit from the construction of these mammoth facilities.

It got me to thinking about libraries in general.  The concept is kind of outdated.  Most people just go online and have access to everything imaginable within seconds.  Hey, here's an idea --- How about the first ever TRANSIENT library?  By that I mean, a series of 10 rigs or so that travel the country 365 days per year.  One rig could promote training and job growth, tailored to the area of the country they're visiting.  Another one could promote adult literacy.  One could be devoted to healthcare, staffed with physicians and medicine.  One could promote cutting edge technology.  Arts, music, science, history, etc.  You get the drift.

My point... the general idea of a brick and mortar library is trending obsolete, especially in the age of the internet and decentralized information. You'd staff this monster convoy accordingly and focus on visiting colleges and universities.  Though in theory, they could go anywhere.

And yeah, I understand the notion of going to a library is a leisurely visit, carefree lounging around and inquisitive, tempered relaxation.  This one would be more "get the fuck in and get the fuck out."  People would adapt.  

I think it's a fascinating concept.  They'll likely raise a couple hundred million for the project anyway.  Why does it have to be something that the vast majority of Americans will never come into contact with?   Also, I think it mirrors the premise of inclusion and "reaching out" to the populous.  Very grassroots oriented.  I think you could frame it in the mindset of a roving Smithsonian, but with an emphasis on moving FORWARD.  It could even be a subtle reminder of the 2012 election campaign theme. 

Anyway, it's just a thought.  If you run into Barack, Michelle or the kids, try floating the idea.  I think he'd be receptive.  And oh yeah, tell him about the dominipede too --- the biggest, continuous asymmetric threat to our national security.  All it takes is a click of the mouse and you have the access to learning about the existing state of obsolete emergency evacuation protocol.  Something that legitimately impacts every large venue.  Not only in the United States, but worldwide too!  See... you never really needed that mega-concrete, 5 story building, parcel of land and asphalt parking lot.

Alright, enough of that.  Great news.  My 2nd book entitled "Dominipede" is almost complete.  I'm finishing the final chapter (the toughest).  It will be available online.  It won't cost you a dime.  And you don't need to worry if it has been checked out.  You don't need a library card.  And you can't lose it or spill grape juice on it.  It's part of the new, intangible realm.  Much like the next phase of generational warfare --- no weapons required.  I'll be posting it soon!


Wednesday, April 23, 2014

thoughts on Springsteen, 4-23-14, Consol Energy Center

I wondered how Tom Morello, the Rage Against the Machine guitarist, would fit into the E Street equation.  Stevie Van Zandt, Tony Soprano's consigliere, was a no-show this tour.  Silvio Dante's strip club antics are legendary on both stages.  It's hard to find a replacement for the Bing owner.  But Morello was up to the task.  He only "went off" a couple of times.  But this was very consistent with the rest of the band.  Everyone pretty much gets a moment in the spotlight, but never overshadows the Boss.  At first, I thought Morello was a bizarre choice.  But when you see him interact with the band, it seems like he's always been a member. 

Gigi and I saw Springsteen 2 years ago at Consol.  I thought the shows were considerably different.  Same Bruce, but last night had more of a "park dance" feel.  A greater emphasis on newer material with lots of cover songs.  The 2014 show was a little more of a "generic rocker."  You can gauge that vibe from the setlist. 
  1. (The Clash cover) (Tour premiere, w/ Tom Morello on shared vocals)
  2. (Tour Premiere)
  3. (Moon Mullican cover)
  4. (The Havalinas cover)
  5. (The Saints cover)
  6. (Tour Premiere, Sign Request)
  7. (w/ Tom Morello on shared vocals)
  8. Encore:
  9. (solo piano)
  10. (with Joe Grushecky)
  11. (with Joe Grushecky)
  12. (with Joe Grushecky)
  13. Encore 2:
  14. (Suicide cover) (Solo on pump organ)
Truth be told, I preferred the 2012 show.

As expected, it was a total marathon concert.  Highlights for me were Badlands and the extended version of Dancing in the Dark.  But the song of the night had to be The Promised Land.  Seemed like it would never end.  Some fan friendly advice - move Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out out.  Out of the encore segment and into an earlier part of the set.  I don't need to do a song play-by-play.  Anyone who has ever been to a Springsteen show can fill in the rest.

The weather was brisk so we went with the 2014 Corbett Canyon Cabernet Sauvignon.  Best sub $7.00 big bottle, cap twist-off wine in the business.

I easily scored us two freebies.  I made a cardboard sign "HIGH HOPES FOR A FREE TICKET" but it proved totally unnecessary.  Extra tickets were everywhere.  I had a hunch it might be a giveaway.  The arena was crowded but not sold out.  There were some noticeable chunks of empty seats in 2 sections of the upper level.  Buckle Up, Baby --- it's a TUESDAY night in the Burgh.

We snagged some excellent seats behind the stage.  The lowest 2 rows were surprisingly deserted.  It's a cool vantage point because you get a behind the scenes "roadie" look, watching the performers enter and exit the stage.  Unlike other mega-production shows, there's no huge widescreens.  So there are no obstructions.  And the sound is pretty much just as good.  Not as good.  But almost.  Plus you can read all the signs held up by the fans.  We were located 2nd row, 1st level, directly behind the black back-up dancers.  The two women had these infectious smiles every time they turned their heads.  Lots of coordinated hip movement.  And that bobbing afro kept me focused.  I prefer this area even more than the Captain Morgan club overhang.  Unfortunately, the seats are normally roped off.

Usually, I have an amusing story or there's some aberrant twist to the evening.  Last night, not so much.  Just a strong world-class concert.  Oh snap!  I almost forgot.  Gigi found some contraband in a cigarette cellophane wrapper in the women's restroom of the Niagara Club.

Shades of the Igloo!  OMG.

You just don't smell much marijuana at Consol.  Not like the old days of Mellon Arena where you'd smell the pot, urine and cigarette-infused vomit.  The Civic Arena was an olfactory factory.  At Consol, there are just so many cops, ushers, security and staff.  I think it strikes paranoia into the hearts of any would-be doobie snackers.  Although someone near us did light up toward the end of the show.

So what became of this evil half-joint?  You'll be gratified to know that we took it straight to the cops.  We did the right thing.  They escorted us to an undisclosed location, deep in the bowels of Consol.  It was a cold, dark room.  They informed us that the DEA and Dept. of Homeland Security (Pittsburgh Division) had been notified.  Super!  However, the wait-time to file a proper report would likely be a little over 2 hours.

We quietly weighed the pros and cons.  After all, there were some major moral ramifications at stake.  Eventually, we decided to just bail.  But then the cops began to hurl accusations at us.  That's right --- not only possession charges but also conspiracy to commit a potential criminal act of possible inhalation and distribution of a Level 1 felony narcotic.  Ugghhh.  Way to close out the night!  Those assholic, non-kosher pig bastards!

I needed to fight back.  Then, it came to me.  I'll start telling them about the state of Consol Energy Center's dangerously outdated emergency evacuation protocol.  Sure enough, my discussion scared them into complete silence (as it normally does).  Hey... getting educated is some terrifying shit!  Most people prefer to remain ignorant.  One of the detectives even started to shake and tremble.  "I didn't join the force so I could be intimidated by this thug!" he lamented.

When I mentioned the word "stampede" he began to bawl like a baby in need of a diaper change.  Then, I said those 5 magic words "Artificially Generated Stampede Awareness Foundation."  What happened next you ask?   His Depends blew out.  So on that excremental note, we decided to call it a night.  What became of the Mary Jane?  We'll never know.  Perhaps it found its way to Mary's Place.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Ottawa Senators vs. Pittsburgh Penguins, Consol, 4-13-14

Much to the chagrin of humanity, I had never been to a Pens game at Consol Energy Center.   Then, all of a sudden, me and Gig came down with a case of Mt. Lebanon Spotted Fever.  We hit the Chicago Blackhawks game a couple Sundays ago and then hit the final regular season game against Ottawa last night.

She scored a freebie loge ticket ($237) off some young kid with a stack.  I snagged mine off some dude with a sprig of seasoned meathead overtones.  Very nice guy... but you know, he had that barbed wire bicep tattoo, crew-cutted disposition.  He originally wanted $30 but when I told him I wouldn't use the seat, his eyes lit up.  All of a sudden, he seemed almost jubilant.  He almost begged me to take it.  Jackpot.

As expected, there were plenty of extras.  Not surprising for a game without relevance.

And how about this!  It was scratch off ticket night.  She won a free "autographed" (more like imprinted) hockey puck.  She opened the box and said, "What's this?  Who's Juicy Joke N'at?"  To which I replied, "Oh yeah, Yussi Juice is cool."

I think he's related to a Swiss version of Juice Newton."  To which I was regaled with a stellar off-key version of "Playin with the Queen of Hearts."  I survived this back and forth by reflecting on the recent change in the weather.  Truth be told, I deserved it.

We physically journeyed to just about every seat in Consol.  First, we went to the absolute top.  Interesting perspective.  Feels like you're watching form the heavens.  This is where God must sit unless you subscribe to the customary "he is everywhere" narrative.  Sounds reasonable until you explain to hardcore Christians that technically speaking, Jesus is in the toilet.  Then, they get a little defensive.  Personally, I think the Easter Bunny is well-suited to view the game from the penalty box.  Just seems like a good fit.  Perhaps a cat or dog could observe the game from prep area of Nakama.

Which brings me to the other scratch-off ticket.  A free order of Nakama fried rice... redeemable only at the Southside location.  In a word, this is truly brilliant.  This 30 cent side dish probably brings in yinzers by the busload.  Then, after drinks and apps, they're probably staring down a bare minimum of $60 per yinzer.  Now that's a marketing promotion at its finest.  It's up there with the 10% off Penguin limited edition merchandise.  $24.99 t-shirt that says "Buckle Up Baby." Save $2.50.  Now that's what I'm talkin' about! (individual named Bear on a 2010 Maury Povich paternity test when it was revealed that he was NOT the father of baby Skylar).

Tangent:  I've been trying to come up with a super-negative acronym for UPMC.  I wish to engage in the Pittsburgh hospital wars.  If you have a good one, drop me a line.  Something a little more sophisticated than "U Piss in My Cunt."  And why not attack Highmark as well?  Wouldn't it be cool if some other entity entered the fray?  Who proclaimed that only the health care giants have a monopoly on casting aspersions at each other?  If they wish to besmirch my reputation, so be it.  I can accept that.

For the second period, we met up with a couple of her friends.  We watched from the front row of the 200 section overhang.  A puck was lobbed intentionally into the crowd resulting in a delay of game penalty.  A woman in the the fifth row took a puck-to-the-nose.  Not sure how this played out on tv, but I think it broke her nose.  Blood everywhere.  Medics came over and escorted her up the steps.  

For the third, we ventured down to some aisle seats in the fourth row along the blue line.  This maneuver was actually semi-legit as we were working in conjunction with a mysterious usher who shall remain nameless.

The accommodations were immeasurably comfy.  I felt like I was sitting in the bucket seats of a limited edition Buick Regal.  The game eventually went to a shoot-out.  Even though Bylsma sat our star players for the third, the game was actually pretty chippy.  Lots of scrum action and some heavy checking.

Most important, I received some mental closure on why the fuck everyone in the arena was standing in line to buy lottery tickets.  Everywhere I looked it resembled this incessant bingo atmosphere.  During the third period, they announced a $30,000+ winner.  At least now everything made a little bit of sense.  I had no idea there was some overriding charity event last night.

On the way out, I snagged this sign.  I might hang it in the dome hockey room.

And this morning, while writing this blog,  I found out that our mutual acquaintance G Minimum was at the game.  Seated directly across the ice from us no less.

He posted this exquisite picture on facebook --- how "he watched the game seated next to Fleury."  Funny coincidence - this is actually how I like to watch a game with G MIN.  With a sturdy glass partition separating the two of us.  Makes for a far more pleasurable experience.  The ultimate dream would be a small circular carved hole so he could hand me free drinks and various appetizers.

I'll sum it all up with the obvious.  Just glad we're playing the Blue Jackets in the first round.  The best thing about us playing Columbus at Nationwide Arena... every time the Pens score a goal, the crowd goes bonkers.  I think we travel better in Columbus than any NHL city in the country.  I suspect this trend will continue.  Regardless, let's just be content that we're not playing the asshole team from the Eastern side of the state.  Their time will come.

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

murrysville meme

I'm thinking about the teenager who stabbed 20 kids with multiple kitchen knives at Murrysville High School.

So this admittedly tasteless meme is brought to you by the National Rifle Association in conjunction with the Pennsylvania Culinary Institute.

Seriously though.  Every time there's a school shooting, the pharmaceutical industry and the mainstream media collude to prevent the American public from learning about the specific medication that likely played a significant role in these violent outbursts.  Why doesn't one of these investigative reporters or aggressive TV personalities demonstrate some real GRIT?  Oh yeah.  I forgot.  It's likely written into their contract --- if they mention the name of a drug or pharmaceutical company, they lose their paycheck.  Pfizer bitches.  Merck assholes.

It's the ultimate hypocrisy.  And people wonder why nobody trusts the U.S. government.  The funny thing is how they'll tee-off on the kid if they find out he binge drank or used marijuana.  What a joke.

I just read an article on Infowars how the one of the lead FDA agents opposes marijuana legalization on the grounds that a pot brownie, if eaten by a dog, is capable of killing the animal.   I honestly thought it was a parody or one of those Onion articles.  It's that bad.