Wednesday, November 30, 2011

McDonald's 20-piece chicken mcnugget observations

I noticed that McDonald's has been pushing their 20-piece chicken McNugget extravaganza on the population at-large.  They do this from time to time, just as McRib seemingly goes on some kind of seasonal fast food sabbatical.  The prospect of consuming 20 McNuggets in one sitting is an intriguing one.

I wanted to do some analytical research, so I searched for the latest McCommercial.  I accidentally came across this abomination...

I think this seemed geared toward the Slum Dog Millionaire kids.  If I was an impoverished child living in southern India, this commercial seems like the "party of a lifetime."  If I was the 4th of 9 starving children living in a 2 bedroom apt. surrounded by absolute squalor, what would I realistically dream about?  Probably the 20 piece.  I always wondered if they should have a curry dipping sauce.  I'm not too hip on curry, but how about tandoori dipping sauce?  In Wheeling, WV, we call that spicy buffalo.

I'm getting way off topic.  The purpose of this blog was to invoke the age-old question...  At what point does the law of diminishing marginal returns (utility/satisfaction) enter into the equation when applied to a $4.99 box of 20 Chicken McNuggets?  For those who never took Econ 101, this just means...  at what point during the McConsumption do you begin to feel less satisfied with your crispified, steroid-injected, oblong-shaped (yet somehow miraculously consistent with 5 variations of the word circular) chickified pieces?

First: the customary disclaimer:  I hit the drive-thru in Elm Grove about once every 45 days.  I usually just get 2 of the dollar meal items per trip.  When I think McDonalds... I think of it in terms of "tiding me over."  Eat just enough to satiate my grease craving.  I have never ordered a 20 piece.  I have no such intention.  I doubt I ever will.  I have purchased a 9-piece on 2 or 3 occasions back in the early 1990s.  The shameful truth - with the much heralded 20-piece ringing in at 5 bucks, it just seems outside my comfort zone.  And if I wanted fries, that ups my meal to the $7.00 range.  Purchasing the small fries (now it's just misleadingly labeled medium) is rarely enough.  I think they give you about 23 fries in that lilliputian coffee filter.  I normally don't buy fast food fountain beverages, but if I did, when you add in tax, that's surpassing the $8.00 range.  MY POINT - I just don't feel mentally okay with splurging in the $10 range at McDonald's.  Perhaps if I had a Xanax prescription or some Steubenville oxycontin, it would see me through.

So McSaffy... if you go to McDonald's, what is it that you actually consume?  People who know me are aware of one immutable fact - I have never eaten a Big Mac.  At 41 years of age, isn't it about time?  The answer is an unequivocal no.  I just can't seem to get past the thousand island dressing that's always oozing out the sides.  I've witnessed this happen in real life.  Usually the perpetrator is seated by himself and seems to have an abundance of exposed shoulder hair peaking through his t-shirt.  The t-shirt invariably reads "Allied Waste Management" or "Mr. Bubble - It makes bath time fun!"   Again, I digress.  So what do I actually buy at McDonald's?

For breakfast: Sausage burrito (w/ hot sauce) OR Sausage McMuffin OR Egg McMuffin AND hash brown.
For lunch: McDouble OR 4-piece McNuggets AND medium or large fries.
For dinner: I don't eat at McDonald's after 3pm so it's non-applicable.

And every once in a while I'll buy a caramel sundae.  Sometimes I'll get a kid's meal.  When they ask me if it's a boy or girl, I tell them the question is patently offensive.  "What do you have in the realm of toys for the transgendered?  Is there an LGBT option?  This is West Virginia.  Ya know... I could sue all your McAsses."

So if you've you've journeyed this far in the blogging experience, I feel compelled to answer the earlier question I posed about the 20-piece chicken consortium.  At what point does one grow weary during the brightly-lit dining experience?  When does it become McCumbersome?  After being bombarded by that electronic cash register's incessant, piercing, synthetic noise in the background, when do you look down at the burnt sienna tray of gruel and mutter "Ugghhh, I've had enough."  After all, isn't that what America is really about?  It's easily the best question for a prime time Republican debate:

Ron Paul - thinks every American should have the freedom to buy chicken on an individual McNugget basis (25 cents per nug).

Newt Gingrich - refuses to acknowledge that he ever lobbied for the fast food industry.  He just gave speeches about how tasty their products are (from a historical perspective, of course).  Newt's favorite item would likely be the discontinued Arch Deluxe.

Herman Cain - showered the McDonald's female regional manager with compliments and offered to broaden her horizons.  He lavished her with meals at Chick-Fil-A and a tour of Tyson chicken farm in Arkansas or wherever.

Rick Santorum - fights for the lives and dignity of all chickens.  Abhors the concept of using embryonic chicken cells. 

Mitt Romney - flip flops between McNuggets and McChicken sandwiches.  Finally has taken a stand on drummies after years of preferring "double boners" aka "the flatties."  (jbdczr - just wondering if you still read my nonsense - hope you're enjoying you're Florida vacation).

Jon Huntsman - nobody cares about this traitor.  Might as well be the ambassador to Burger King.

Michelle Bachmann - has the same bold opinion on any chicken-related topic... "I want to make Barack Obama a one-term president." 

Rick Perry - can't seem to get his fowl straight.  He's heard of chicken and quail but can't seem to remember the last one (ooops... it's pheasant).  But he does have great admiration for the Dick Cheney hunting experience.   

Chris Christie - if he were in the race, I believe his magic number would be 24.  Had to snag an extra 6-piece.

Sarah Palin - as a fox News analyst, she'd chime in how wonderful all the answers were.  They all have one thing in common.  They all gave better answers than our current president or anyone from his failed administration.

SAF - so you've reached the end of my early morning blogging experience.  I couldn't get back to sleep.  The answer you seek... drum roll please................. 8.  After digesting the eighth blessed McNugget, I would be impacted by the laws of diminishing marginal satisfaction.  So for me, the 20-piece was never really an option.  Happy to weigh in though.

On an unrelated note... I made a new thug-inspired double sonofcd.  The last one (sonofsucka/sonofshiznit) was very well received.  This new compilation is titled sonofcisco/sonofsticky-icky.  Just ask for it by name.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Jay-Z / Kanye West, 11-27-11, Consol Energy Center

I haven't been to a rap concert in many a moon.  I went to something called K-Ci and Jojo w/ 98 Degrees at Starlake, but I have absolutely no idea what transpired. That show was back in 2001 and it was more of a boy-band nonsense show.  This one was probably the most sought after rap show of the year.  I hastily made a sign which accurately reflected my desire to see the concert.

Yep.  That pretty much sums it up.

 I cruised up to meet Gig.  Got to her place around 5pm and consumed a small amount of lasagna, salad and an obligatory piece of garlic bread.  But the garlic flavor was virtually nonexistent.  For it was just a hint.  Not reminiscent of some earlier clovular and nutmegging schemes I have grown accustomed to.  Regrettably, the opposite happened to my side salad.  I accidentally bombarded it with a deluge of balsamic vinaigrette.  How can they not install those plastic safety caps on all salad dressing containers?  Weak.  If only I had been paying closer attention to the dressing dispersal pattern.  It's not like me to be so aloof when it comes to pouring methodology.

So we bolted out at 6:15 p.m.  Showtime was set for 7.  With no opening act, I wondered why the doors would open so early.  I had downloaded a weak audience recording of the show from Greensboro, NC.  I just wanted to absorb the sound, atmosphere and set list from the infamous "Watch the Throne" tour.

We zipped down past the Pig Bar.  Is it still open?  Is it closed?  These are questions that plague mens' souls.  Fortunately, I am indifferent.  We ate there over the summer and it was mediocre at best.

A large crowd had gathered outside Consol.  You gotta get in there early.  Oddly enough, there was no opening act.  So Jay-Z and Kanye didn't go onstage til 9:20pm.  That gives you almost 2 1/2 hours to sample the arena cuisine and buy some horrifically overpriced beverages.  Fortunately, we don't pursue that course of action.  I cannot fathom standing around for all that time.  

We surveyed the scene and Gigi quickly snagged 2 free tickets from a radio station guy.    Upper level comps.   Plenty of tickets were floating around.  We went in a little after 8pm.  I had some pretty severe heartburn and wanted a couple antacids.   So we went to the first aid room on the lower level.  BAM!  This is a great way to get on the lower concourse without being sneaky.  Just tell them you need to go to the First Aid room.  It's right near the Nakama outlet. 

We decided to skip our usual seats on the side of the stage.  There were some rolling lounge chairs in front of us.  So we just stood behind them.  Great area to watch an end-stage concert.  Close to the action, but you don't have to worry about dumbshits crowding you out and bumping you.

The structure of the stage was completely bad ass.  Basically, it had these two mammoth cubes that would elevate.  Just two background "musicians" - both equipped with keyboards and one that occasionally played bass.  Two huge widescreens which featured vintage footage of 60's and 70's material.  National geographic stuff (cheetahs and assorted animal attacks), riots, cop car chase scenes, civil rights moments, military engagements - all the sequences were spot-on.

The stage itself was enormous but very sleek.  All jet-black with one main ramp.  Plenty of fiery explosions and a piercing laser show.  Their lighting rivaled just about anything I've ever seen on the arena circuit. 

The crowd energy was exceptional.  Everyone remained standing the entire concert, bouncing around, hippity-hopping and making frequent triangular hand gestures.  Their purpose???  To ingratiate themselves with all that is thuggin'.  We did witness the occasional "monster hoochie mama," but for the most part, the crowd was white and in their twenties and thirties.

Jay-Z and Kanye came out for what seemed like low-energy openers.  Until they got to Welcome to the Jungle.  Then things picked up a little.  These guys have tremendous stage presence and did a great job of alternating.  Although different stylistically, they really complement each other.  Favorite moments included Flashing Lights, Public Service Announcement and Empire State of Mind.  We skipped out on the final 15 minutes or so. 

Made it back to the house just after the Steelers defeated Chiefs 13-9 in what was obviously a lethargic victory.  We made the right choice.  And we didn't even need to use the "Cracker Jew" sign (which I'll willingly admit, was a tad excessive).

Friday, November 18, 2011

Death Angel, Testament, Anthrax - 11-17-11, Stage AE

It has been awhile since I went to an all-out metal show.  I think the last one was about 4 years ago - me, Jepsonian and some woman (whose name escapes me) went to Overkill on the Southside at the Rex.  Gig and I met up with a merry threesome and would later run into a dual Nowak/Zelek entity.

Gig scored a bunch of free tickets and wristbands.  I was a little under the weather.  My yearly encounter with the flu had hit a few days prior.  Nonetheless, we all met up at 7pm.  A long line of metalheads orderly wrapped around the venue.  The streetlights beamed down on the Zilch brothers' hairy arms.  Scattered grunts and growls permeated the North shore.  It was cold and windy, but hardly unbearable.

I was curious to see what the crowd would actually look like.  Lots of balding, middle-aged men.  I'd estimate the median age around 42.  I wondered how aggressive the pit would get, considering the crowd wasn't a bunch of invincible spring-chickens.  We gulped down our wine and I slammed the remainder of a vodka/grapefruit concoction.  We also had orange wristbands which gave us access to the upper floor.  This turned out to be a good thing.  I had no desire to get pushed around and sweated upon.  I don't like it when some sweaty, shirtless fat-ass from Zelienople comes a rubbin' up on me.  For that matter, Dormont too.

We took some seats in the balcony.  I'll make this statement now.  Someone is going to fall and/or get pushed off the balcony at Stage AE.  The entire length of the metal barrier that serves to prevent such a tragedy is only waist high.  This needs to be addressed by Stage AE ownership asap.  Totally a lawsuit waiting to happen.  I'm thinking the indomitable Cindy Berger of Berger and Green could take the lead.  I can't believe it hasn't already happened.  Especially when the upstairs is packed.  It's just a matter of time.

Anyway, Death Angel came on and ripped through 5 or 6 songs.  These guys are relentless.  The lead singer still has that voice along with some of the longest dreadlocks I've ever seen.  Kind of like a trash metal entangled Crystal Gayle.  I was briefly transported back to 1989 when I saw Death Angel open for King Diamond at Bogart's in Cincy on their Frolic Through the Park tour.  I'll never forget hanging with the drummer after the show.  He was sneaking us Corona's, while a little concerned about getting busted for underage consumption.  At the time, we were 18-19, and the drummer told us he was only 16.  Just an amusing side note I think about from time to time.   They had a different drummer for this recent tour.  Their set was over way too fast.  I think they played for maybe 35 minutes.

Next up was Testament.  Chuck Billy must be the most the most terrifying San Fransiscan American Indian on the planet earth.  I've had a number of encounters with these guys - all from the New Order and Practice What You Preach era (1988-1990) in Pennsylvania (City Limits) and Ohio (Bogart's, Newport's).  Gig managed to snag a copy of their set list from the sound guy.  Very cool.  The first half of their set, I knew all the songs.  The second half, I had no idea what the hell was going on.  I made a sign that read...

(your children well)

...and hung it from the balcony.  Other than our group, I don't think anyone saw it.

We stuck around for the first 3 songs of Anthrax and then bolted the hell out of there.  I've always been a little annoyed by Anthrax.  Twenty years later, I can't forgive them for that "I Am The Man" rap song.  Back then, they embarrassed the trash movement with that nonsense.  I recall some of my lamer Def Leppardesque classmates yapping about how cool Anthrax was.  My responses were typical of my mindset at the time, "You idiots don't know shit about heavy metal."

As for the nature of the pit and crowd surfing, it was more rambunctious than I expected.  One guy in particular,  he wore a red and blue jersey with the #7 on it.  This guy was taking on anyone he could with a tenacious Pixburgh sumo-yinzer dispostion.  Another guy in a leather jacket was purposely doing Anderson Silva UFC-inspired high knee kicks.  Totally out of line.  All in all, I'd say the pit exceeded my expectations.  And I liked our vantage point from the relative safety above (until someone falls over the ledge of course).

We made it back to Gig's in time to see Tim Tebow lead the Broncos to a Thursday night victory over the NY Jets.  6 1/2 points my ass.  I had a hunch about that game.  Praise his light.  I actually think Tebow has struck gold as the new evangelist leader of the NFL.  Tebow's basically saying to Kurt Warner, "Take your midwest St. Louis legacy and stick it up your wife's ass."  At least that's my interpretation.  Kudos.  Honestly, Tebow deserves some degree of credit.  Not praise, just credit.  He's going to have one of the top selling NFL jerseys in no time.  Win or lose.  That's the beauty of acknowledging the lord.  Everyone's a winner.  Even if you lose, you win.  And that's the greatest winning streak of them all.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

3-team parlay

As I've stated, I don't gamble on pro football anymore.  But I do like this 3-teamer for Sunday.  And it pays out bigtime...

$20 to win $2027.50

I like 1 home team and 2 road.  All must win outright.  Denver (tonight) over the Jets.  Tampa over Green Bay (the big upset) and Arizona over San Francisco.

Denver (+6.5) over NY Jets:  Jets coming off an emotional loss at home to New England.  Then, they've got to travel to Denver on the short week, and after a night game to top it off.  And there's the altitude.  Coach Ryan's to busy telling fans to "fuck off" - you need a little more professionalism in the NFL.  Eventually, that stuff comes back to haunt your team.  Tebow is probably looking forward to the national broadcast and a chance to indoctrinate some viewers who wish to "see the light."  I think Denver squeaks out a close one.  Definitely low-scoring.  

Denver - 13
NY Jets - 10

Tampa Bay (+14) over Green Bay:  I know...  I know....  Betting against Aaron Rogers at home?  Are you nuts?  Well, not really.  I don't think any team goes undefeated.  And Green Bay has a short week after the Monday night trouncing of Minnesota.  Everyone's gotta lose sooner or later.  This would be logically be the one.  Tampa and Josh Freeman usually keep things close.  This used to be a big rivalry and Tampa needs it to stay alive.  This is the Buccaneers' Superbowl.  I think Tampa shocks them late in a shoot-out.

Tampa 31
Green Bay 28

and finally... I kind of like Arizona over San Francisco.  San Fran has been winning a lot of close, emotional games.  They've got energy and talent but the spread is +9.5.  That seems unusually high for an NFC West intra-division game.  The spread's high because San Fran is 8-1.  Does anyone really think the 49ers will end up 14-2?  I don't.  Arizona has looked tough on the road - come from behind wins in Philly and a tight game in Baltimore.  Both were tough, early East coast games.  I think the Cardinals slip one by.  Just an aside, have you seen the model of the new stadium in San Fran - it's completely bad ass.  I imagine it will have all the amenities (even a gay porn shop).

Arizona - 23
San Fransisco - 21

The only reason I'm posting this is because of the enormous pay-out.  Just over 100-1.  That's pretty good for only 3 results.

Tonight I will revisit my youth and check out Anthrax, Testament and Death Angel.  Physically, I'm a little under the weather but this concert could prove interesting.  Considering it will likely be an older crowd, I'm curious to see how physical it gets.  I'll be steering clear of the pit.  I never really cared much for Anthrax, but used to be a huge Death Angel fan.  Testament as well.  PREACH.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Willard Romney wants to attack Iran???

If I were Barack Hussein Obama, here's what I would do... 

The Republicans are already tagging me "the campaigner-in-chief."  As if Obama's the only potential 2-term candidate to ever engage in campaign fundraising endeavors.  And they will continue to berate him for the foreseeable future.  Most of Fox's audience eats that shit up - He needs to be doing the job instead of pandering to the Hollywood directors! 

Anyway, Obama has been wise to steer clear of the Republican battle royal.  Let them rip each other to shreds in a desperate attempt to appease the extreme elements of the far right.  Whether it be abortion, immigration, guns, Jesus, or gays... each one, except Huntsman, is smitten with trying to appeal to the hardcore right.  Hell, with good reason, that's where the primary votes are.

On abortion, even in cases of rape and incest, most of these embryonic neanderthals want to return to the early 1950's.  If the life of the mother is in danger, don't fret... Bristol Palin said she'll step up and assume the role of baby momma.
On the U.S./Mexican immigration fornt, it's all about sending in the military to enforce the boundaries.  Hey, why not build a wall of electrocutionary impalement and a mote filled with LSD.
And everyone needs an AKA-47.  More weapons is just what this country needs as it spirals into economic oblivion.
We must acknowledge the Christ child as our lord and savior and repent accordingly.  We all have sinned, except Newt of course, the exempt hypocrite.
And as for the homos... we must not only discourage their behavior, we must condemn them to hell while simultaneously trying to "cure" them (which is even more messed up).

But Mitt, or Willard if you prefer, crossed a major line.  He didn't just make empty campaign promises this time.  He unequivocally stated...

Under a Romney administration, Iran will NOT have a nuclear weapon. 
With an Obama administration, Iran will have a nuclear weapon.

This was a major proclamation and Obama should call him on it.  This isn't like the routine economic or social issues.  This is an outright pre-declaration of WAR.  We're talking about a commitment to go to war from the Republican party's most likely candidate.  Obama should step up and address the nation.   Most voters would admit that Obama hasn't engaged in demonizing the Republican candidates.  It's really more about appearing presidential and staying above the fray.  So it would be a "big deal" if he suddenly ventured in that direction.  Reasonable people would wonder why Obama stepping in.  And why is he doing it now? 

He should say something like this...

Mitt Romney's recent statement crossed the line.  Unless he knows something that he's not been sharing with us (outright knowledge of an imminent Iranian attack on the U.S. or its allies), Mitt Romney's promise to preemptively engage the United States on another war-front is unacceptable.  Obama should put Mitt directly on the spot and ask, "If you're serious about this, you must explain to the American public exactly how you're going to accomplish this new directive once you obtain office.  Americans deserve to know the specific nature of the threat, the resources you'll immediately require and the steps you'll take to offset the Iranians.  They need to know the costs up front and the potential ramifications (specifically, the potential for a spike in the price of crude oil).  Then, and only then, can we engage in a reasonable discussion on the specifics.  But to just throw out a unilateral proclamation like that (and without access to the National Security briefings) is wholly unacceptable.

In my mind, none of the Republican crop is suited for commander-in-chief.  Romney's the only one who comes close.  Huntsman maybe, if he invested all his personal fortune (he won't).  And Obama's timing for this would be perfect.  Romney isn't expected to win the Iowa caucus.  He's spending little money there after being dismantled in 2008.  Fucking Huckabee won the thing.  He's pinning all his hopes on the momentum from New Hampshire.  Probably the wiser move.  Anyway, if Obama gave the "responsibility in campaigning" speech just before the Iowa caucus, it vastly diminishes the credibility of their whole field.  Not only do the zealots need lectured, they need wisdom and guidance.  If the ring-bearer of the party is being this irresponsible, how could we ever handle the other, more extreme candidates.  Hell, if the non-Willard Republican that wins Iowa doesn't have the presidential temperament, how on earth could we trust that which is Romnevitable .  This would make the Republican party look really silly and portrays Obama as a responsible prognosticator of how things will inevitably unfold.  And it makes Romney look like all the other Bachmannesque, Cainian, Gingrichbread Santorums.  Good positioning for the general.  Make Romney look like a hardcore right-winger that even the right-wing idiots don't trust.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Dedicated to all that is SAF

There are countless organizations and acronyms called SAF.

The London based company SAF, or Safeland PLC, trades at roughly 8 bucks per share.  It used to be about $100/share 5 years ago.  Much like the human being SAF, the company appears to be on a downward trend.  Safeland deals with property management and industrial refurbishing.  The human SAF has difficulty coping with household water pressure issues.

However, my favorite company is the American SAF (Southern Aluminum Finishing) a metal fabrication company based out of Atlanta, GA.  A couple years ago I emailed the president of the company and asked if he could spare a t-shirt or ball cap with the word SAF on it.  His response, "No problem dude.  I'm on it."  Two days later a padded mailer was in my mailbox.  I quickly tore it open like a child spilling out Halloween candy on the living room floor.  Inside was this...

This famous SAF ball cap has easily surpassed all my other favorites, including such notables as Coors Light, M Life, Ross Police, WVU and Gordon River, Strahan. 

SAF also stands for Society of American Florists.  Regrettably, I can't tell the difference between a pansy or a posie, a rose or a daffodil.  Fortunately, Gig knows a thing or two about the floral industry.  She was kind enough to furnish me with this legendary piece of cardboard which I cherish quite regularly.

Now if that doesn't have you brimming with excitement... how about these assorted HER-SAF products from the mysterious company known as Safranek Enterprises.  Once again, compliments of Gig.

This miniature tablet is the modern day equivalent of the Dead Sea Scrolls.  It holds so much important documentation.  Truth be told, the contents are blank.  I think it seems well-suited for future scrabbling endeavors.

And I once got this letter from SAF.  It's like Saf offering thanks and heaping gratitude upon itself.  Almost as if Saf is an omniscient figure (kind of like the God-Jesus thing that seems wildly popular). This SAF is better known as Student Action with Farmworkers.  But alas, I am not a farmer.  My attempts to grow vegetables have been, for the most part, a meager failure.

It's really wonderful to see the corporate Saf's, non-profit Saf's, and human Saf's all getting along in relative peace and harmony.  Much like the racial tolerance illustrated by the "black and white" cookie in a weak, early Seinfeld episode.  "Look to the cookie, Elaine.  Look to the cookie."

Alright, so here's my point.  In honor of Veteran's Day, a mass email from a division of the American Red Cross was sent.  Jepsonian forwarded it to me.  I think it was sent to all those who've recently given blood.  It was from SAF (Service to the Armed Forces).   It lists the top 5 things you can do to support SAF.

In keeping with that spirit, here are the top 5 things you can do to support SAF, the individual.

5) Save me all your corks.  I might have 6,000 or so, but you can never have enough.  Synthetic ones are fine.

4) If you're planning on having a baby, name the child after me.  If it's a boy, "Saf" or "Saffy" is acceptable.  If it's a girl, I think "Safaleena" has a nice ring to it.  The middle name "Chlamydia" would be a fine addition.

3) If you know any of the local Krishnas or have a modicum of influence over the cult-oriented Palace of Gold, start dropping my name.  "Oh, Eric Saferstein thinks you Hindus are the bomb-diggity" or "Eric's a devout vegan.  I heard he recently swore off swine and won't partake of any animal that has a cloven hoof."  This is more of a long-term project.  I'm trying to get my foot in the door (or sanctuary) and become the next Swami Bhaktipadastein.  I'd be willing to offer up a fractional percentage of the Chesapeake Energy/Marcellus Shale proceeds.  I've always dreamed of having my very own cult.

2) If you're stopping up, bring a rake or one of those leaf blowing contraptions.  Do you have any idea how many leaves have fallen?  We can rake them over the hill or onto Fuckface's property.  Bring a chainsaw as well. 

1) Properly honor and show respect for the new British talk show host, Jeremy Kyle.  When referencing the practice of safe sex or using condoms, take on a stilted English accent and yell, "The problem is you're not acting responsibly!  You need to wrap up your DOODLESNICKER!"

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Why the demise of the Washington Redskins

I had a hunch the Washington Redskins would bite the dust this season.  They started strong at 3-1, but have quickly faltered.  Historically, I've been a fan of head coach Mike Shanahan.  As the Broncos head coach, he was the perfect blend of "players coach" and "management coach."  That would explain the multiple Superbowl runs.  But when I heard he appointed his son Kyle Shanahan as the new Redskins offensive coordinator, I just knew it was a bad idea.  Engaging in nepotism, particularly under the spotlight of the nation's capitol AND at the top of rungs of the NFL ladder, is a patently bad idea.

Any head coach who brings in their son to run the offense or defense isn't doing the team any favors.  To speculate that out of the hundreds of NFL football coordinators, coaches and assistants - the best, ultimate choice is "my son" - doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense from a rational, percentages perspective.  Not to mention the thousands of choices from the collegiate ranks.  When things go bad, and at some point they always do, people look to point fingers.  This leads to accusations and firings.  When daddy is faced with the possibility of firing his own son, the press will have a field day.  The surrounding chaos and distractions will irreparably damage the team.  And the circus atmosphere would parallel the recent PSU (Pennsylvania Sodomizers Union) situation. 

Following Bill Cowher's departure, many Steelers fans were upset that neither Ken Whisenhunt (then offensive coordinator) nor Russ Grimm (offensive line coach) weren't chosen by Rooney.  I'll make my point again.  To just assume that the best possible head coaching option has "miraculously been right under our nose the whole time" is incredibly naive.  Fortunately, they ventured outside the division (and conference) and went with Mike Tomlin.  I likes Mikey.

This is the same reasoning that makes Jerry Jones (Dall-Ass Cowchicks owner) such a joke.  Oh my god, someone is going to poach our "wonderkind" offensive coordinator Jason Garrett.  Obviously, he's the best possible choice for the new head coach.  He's "one of us."  He's the hottest commodity.  Cowboy blood is coursing through his veins.  We must ink him asap.   I'm a little surprised that Jerry Jones never considered Rick Perry.  He'd make a fine head coach and commander-in-chief for that matter.  Uhhh, uhhh (53 second pause).... OOPS.  Well, maybe not.

It's comical how football teams with the biggest ownership egos (like Daniel Snyder, Jerry Jones) are so susceptible to this.  All that money, all that swagger... it will never stop you from screwing up the most important decisions.  Human ego - ultimately responsible for the collapse of humanity.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Quoth the Ravens

I am relatively disgusted with the Steelers loss in the Sunday night game.  I can only take some degree of solace in knowing I didn't head up.  And while I reap a little satisfaction in the fact that plenty of chump fans dished out insane amounts of cash, it's just not enough.  So yesterday, I made these diminutive protest signs to help alleviate my pain and suffering.  As always, they both employ my trademark "hidden meaning lift-up."

And yes, the correct old English term is "Quoth" not "Quote."  I particularly like the dangling "S" on the end of Ravens.  It has a certain degree of mechanical sophistication.

And of course this next one is timeless...

I'm seriously contemplating making signs for all 32 NFL teams.  This would probably serve as the underlying template for the next book.  The purpose of the signs would be 2-fold.  The first objective is to offer up a unique slogan or humorous quip designed to help a person score a free ticket.  The second goal is to mock or ridicule specific players.  Along that same line, coaches, ownership and/or the team's brand would also be targeted.  I'll need to do one division per day.  I'm going after all 32 NFL teams, with one glaring exception.  The Steelers will obviously be omitted.  It just wouldn't be right.  Too bad, considering the ample yinzer material.  If you have any strong ideas for specific teams, please shoot me an email.

I'm also considering a similar concept for all sitting U.S. Senators and Governors.  I consider it payback for all the corruption.  The timing has never been more appropriate.  With the NFL, it's more about lambasting the greed of the players and ownership.  I'll probably do a bunch for the Cowboys and Jerry Jones. 

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Carolina Panthers NFL RUSH Play 60 commercial

Here's the new NFL commercial encompassing the "We've got spirit, how about you???" vibe from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  Remember when the two cheerleaders were staging the football rally in the gymnasium.  The student body was generally unresponsive.  I recall someone launching a paper airplane that whizzed by one of the girls' heads.

Anyway, the NFL's trying to increase fan spirit with this hippy-rappy thug party.  Hey, it's all about teamwork I guess.  To be honest, I really don't have a clue what's going on with this commercial.  I can't understand anything these teenagers are singing.  It sounds like just a bunch of collective yapping with intermittent blips of the word "bus."  What the fuck is this?

And why the FUCK is Newt Gingrich the bus driver???  Seriously, check out what happens at the 21st second mark.  The spot is only 30 seconds.   Maybe he's trying to broaden his appeal.  I do not know.  Though I do think Newt would make a fine stationary hot dog salesman/concessionaire guy. 

Anyhoo, nobody cares.  That's fine.  I made a sign for the game tonight.  It's another flip-up model based on the infamous "Trent Dilfer #6, Trent Dildo 6"... 

And here it is...

Admittedly on the ghetto side, but I think my point is clear.

I'll go Steelers 20, Ravens 10.  The over/under is 42 which seems really high.  Especially since our defense is banged up.  Usually it's in the 36-38 range. 

Regardless, I've decided to skip the game tonight (insert a gasp from someone who's in a state of shock and disbelief... perhaps a hardcore Michael Jackson fan when the jury delivers a "not guilty" verdict.  I feel bad for the good doctor.  As if that walking freakshow was going to outlive Andy Rooney.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Cain's sexual harassment charge

Scattered thoughts...

I've been watching the breaking news updates regarding the charges being lobbed against Herman Cain.  Fascinating stuff.  I have two weird hunches.

A. The woman will be WHITE (this could leave a bad vibe with entrenched elements of the tea party).
B. She will be about 100 lbs. overweight (designed to further diminish his credibility).

Alright, there were 2 women who filed harassment charges.  Both cases were settled.  Why has only one of them come forward?  Seems like the goal of a smear campaign wouldn't want to focus on the he said/she said crap.  Although any particularly salacious testimony could be a nice, unintended bonus.  The main objective would be to drag everything out as long as possible.  That means one thing - OMG!  Now the other woman's coming forward!

People might think I'm completely full of shit, but it bears a striking resemblance to the Wikileaks rape allegations against Julian Assange.  When orchestrating the hatchet job, always go with drugs/alcohol or sexual accusations.  It works so much better than money.  After Bernie Madoff set a new standard and scammed 60+ billion, it's difficult to get people riled up over an amount.  The American public has little interest in numbers, they want the wicked dirt.  That's why the real disaster, the housing collapse, will never top 9/11.  People don't care about 10 trillion dollars.  They just can't grasp it.  They prefer things to be simpler and spoon fed, much like the unseasoned mush of Mehlman's Cafeteria.  Sifting through the details of the sup-prime collapse will never hold their attention span.  Even Obama doesn't want to mention... raising taxes is simply going from 32% to 36% on the top income earners.  It would make him look like he's lecturing the public.  He's still mindful of the dreaded price of arugula.  At the time, the arugula controversy was a BIG deal.  Made him look too pompous and egalitarian, something he desperately seeks to avoid.  What's comical - assuming the Republicans choose Romney, they forfeit that entire mode of attack. 
The only point the media seems to agree on: Cain's campaign never had a handle on the story and was woefully negligent.  I completely agree.  Cain's staffers and his lack of professionalism almost rivals Rick Perry's team.  At least, Perry's minions raised a shitload of cash.

And how about the notion that the reemergence of the scandal came from somewhere deep within the Restaurant Lobbying Association?  What's that about?  Yep, it's gonna take TIME to unravel the trail of origin.  Cain has shown a weakness for sticking to talking points.  I have a hunch he's not the kind of guy who likes to stay up late, fielding hypothetical questions and scenarios from his staffers.  This is Cain's achilles heal.  He comes off as incredibly personable, but suffers from a certain amount of hubris.  Comes with the territory I suppose.  Rick Perry has a comparable amount of hubris, but it's mostly centered around his own ineptitude, stupidity and that Dukes of N*ggerwood, backwoods spunk.    

Mark my words, this thing will DRAG.  That was the real intended consequence.  You would think someone in the press might pick up on this.  That's the question?  How long will it go on?  Well, I'll step up.  I'll set the over/under at 63 days.  Coincidentally, about the same time for the Iowa caucus vote on January 3.  I suspect you'll see something unfold like the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill hearings.  Except it will be played out in the press.  Even better!  And you'll see these women get dragged through the mud.  Anything to smear their credibility and keep the story going.  It won't have anything to do with unresolvable answers.  The entire Cain charge is about the TIME FRAME.