Sunday, May 31, 2009


Jess and me hit the Coldplay concert at Starlake. 4 years ago a bunch of us went up to see them. Neither of us could believe that show was FOUR years ago. Time flies. Finding tickets was rough. The weather was fantastic so there was an unusually big walk-up crowd. We managed to scrounge up a couple (one for $20, one for face) and zipped in.
This band truly understands how to deliver a concert. All aspects of the show were "larger than life." In a way, they remind me of Pink Floyd. Regardless of whether you enjoy their music, Coldplay has this rich, encompassing sound. They make you feel as if you're in a stadium atmosphere. Perhaps that's why the show was so compelling. They brought a European Soccer stadium stage show into a 20,000 seat venue.
I'm not going to recant all the details, but this show really took you for a ride. Great choice for the opener - Violet Hill. They unleashed about 100 giant yellow, inflatable beach balls during Yellow. The set list was a solid mix of old and new tunes. Tremendous version of Fix You. There was a 3 song acoustic/skitlike performance on the East side of the lawn, complete with a "Let's Go Pens" chant and the first "cell-phone wave," which I'd be willing to admit was a little on the gay side. Alright, it was steeped in fagocity. They encored with Politik and some other stuff.
As you exited the ampitheatre, everyone got a free Coldplay cd with 9 tunes on it (all live recordings). I've been pushing this idea for years. I can't believe that a band out there finally took my advice. This is a fantastic way to build customer loyalty. It's incredibly cheap and easy as well. And listening to the songs on the way home from the show helps reinforce your enjoyment of the evening. Kind of like a salivating Pavlovian dog.
Major label bands have got to realize that the days of making money off their cds is OVER. All the material is readily available online and every conceivable video is pasted on youtube. Get over it. Make money through merchandising and touring. That's the way it should be anyway. In a strange way, the proliferation of free music has improved the music industry. The real bands will find a way to survive. It's amazes me that Metallica still hasn't figured this out. They're still trying to sue some Ohio State dickhead for using Enter Sandman on his myspace page.

Friday, May 29, 2009

G-20 summit, in Pittsburgh???

Alright, they just announced the G-20 for Pittsburgh, PA on September 24,25. What in the name of God are these organizers thinking? Pittsburgh is an absolute logistical nightmare for an event like this. For those unfamiliar with the G-20, it's a group of govt. insiders from the 20 most "industrialized" countries on the planet, with the exception of Pakistan, Iran and other countries we don't care for. These people get together every so often and discuss policies mostly regarding trade and world commerce.

Back to the logistical nightmare. Does anyone remember the World Trade Organization riots from Seattle in 1999. Basically, the hoodlums bashed in every store front window they could find over a 4-day period. People got tear-gassed, they called in the National Guard an imposed a citywide curfew. Nothing much got accomplished at this WTO meeting. It was generally regarded as a failure. More importantly, world leaders learned that it's not advisable to have a major gathering with worldly implications in a city with a proven track record of volatility.

Enter Pittsburgh. They're having this 2 day meeting at the David Lawrence Convention Center nestled between downtown and the Strip District. Obviously, you can't just shut down traffic entering downtown. However, you can always close a few bridges leading to the North Shore, or at the very least restrict them to foot traffic only. They shut down the Roberto Clemente bridge for Sunday ballgames at PNC and it doesn't really have a big impact. But that's on a Sunday and the G-20 summit will fall on a Thursday and Friday. Just for the record, here's the Pirates schedule. Normally, our beloved Pirates don't draw a big crowd. But these are good weather games in late September.

Wednesday, Sept. 23 against the Reds, 7:05pm
Thursday, Sept. 24 against the Reds, 12:05pm (afternoon game)
Friday, Sept. 25 against the Dodgers, 7:05pm

Why am I mentioning this? Well, I have a strong hunch the city police might try to set up protest zones on the North Shore. You could close down the 9th and 16th St. bridges and try to redirect the hoodlums across the river. Wouldn't it be crazy if the rioters go nuts on the other side of the river? They might start overturning cars near PNC Park! They'd be pissed they aren't allowed across the bridges. That Thursday afternoon game could descend into chaos if the Pittsburgh cops start launching tear gas and using water cannons. Fuck that! Take me out to the ballgame. Buy me some peanuts and crackerjack! These Pirate fans might get more than they bargained for. Hardly a relaxing day at PNC. And the Buccos will still find a way to lose.

Downtown Pittsburgh cops have a good track record, I guess. But they mostly deal with traffic issues and parking tickets, along with the occasional other mindless shit at Steelers games. But I seriously doubt they have experience dealing with dedicated hooliganism and widespread rioting.

If they try and keep the protesters in The Strip District - this could work. They've got all those parking lots right before you hit the Strip. The problem is you just can't keep these people contained in a nice little protest zone. How will you distinguish them from everybody else who works downtown? I guess the anarchy symbols and tattoo weirdos and 50 nose rings might distinguish them. Wait a minute - that's the entire Art & Culinary Institutes. Not too mention all the hipster dufuses that hang out in the Strip and downtown.

There are just too many urine laden alleys, dark crevasses, odd corner intersections,
and all the regular downtown Pittsburgh weirdos an n'at. I suspect bad things. I suspect it will start the night before with the potential for Mayor SteelerStaal calling up the National Guard. I look for lots of smashed storefront smashed windows along Penn and Liberty. The Strip District could descend into complete chaos. The arts and theater district w/ the Byham, Benedum and about 6 other venues are also in the line of fire. What can be done about this? Probably nothing.

I might get a hotel for a night or two. I'm thinking maybe the Renaissance which is in the heart of the action. I suspect they're already maxed out. But there are several other hotels in downtown. The Renaissance would provide the best vantage point though. Anybody with me?

Friday, May 22, 2009

letter about the pole

Alright, here's the letter I'm going to send my neighbor regarding his pole. I made a few changes.

May 23, 2009

Dear Bill,

I feel absolutely horrible about everything that's recently happened. Please let me assure you that I harbor no ill will. When you called me on Thursday, May 21 at 1:48 pm... well, needless to say, it was quite a shock. Considering we hadn't spoken in probably 3 years, I was just kind of surprised. And then you used the f-word on me about 62 times in less than 11 minutes. Well let's just say, I could tell you were agitated and upset. It upset me as well. I know you're from Philadelphia. A good friend of mine is from Philly and he curses a lot too. Not that much though.

Let me just say that I'm sorry my friend leaned on your wooden pole. In all honesty, it was corroded at the bottom and fell over. It almost landed on his foot. I think it's a god-blessing nobody got hurt. Although it was only about 15 ft. high and had a width of 19", the result could have been horrific. What if it had landed on his head? Brian's head would have been seriously dented. LOL. But it's certainly nothing to joke about. He told me he felt really bad, but didn't know he was on your property. He didn't know where my property ended and yours started. He even thought the pole was mine. When it started to tip over, he thought it would just be best to make sure it didn't fall and hurt somebody. That's why he threw it in the fire and burned half of it. I didn't even know until the next morning. I made sure to save the other half and leaned it up against the well. I kind of thought you might be relieved when you saw the rest of it. That way you'd be able to figure out what happened. Boy was I wrong. Brian (his nickname is Tuffy) wants to apologize but I wasn't sure if you wanted to talk to him - if you want, I can give you his number.

I'm always trying to be a good neighbor and that starts with mowing the lawn. I've got to admit, I love the exercise. It's a fantastic workout. In fact, I just ran the Ogden 5K today. I finished with a good pace - 8:33 per mile. They listed me as...

Eric Satersreic, 38, Wheeling, WV - 26:32

How about that? Can you believe they messed up my name that badly?

But the point about me and the lawn - we've always used that pole to delineate the property boundary. I just wanted to point out that I always mow that 10 square ft or so. Doesn't sound like much. I think you own about an acre. Me too, hee hee hee. I know the pole is technically on your property, but nobody ever goes there. Well, except your maintenance crew. You must have 4 of those guys who come all the time. Thank you so much for being concerned about the environment!

So here's what happened. My buddy just leaned up against that old pole. It was late and dark and oh boy, was it pouring down rain that night. Sure enough, the darn pole started to move. The base of the pole was soooo corroded from all the water that settles there. Also, I think it was hit by the old lady (somebody famous) who 2 months ago drove over my hillside. I think she probably bumped into it as well. Her car weighs a lot more than Brian! And I can't believe she drove into your pool. Uggghhhh! And to top it off, the tow truck tore up my lawn when they towed her out. The tow company called me and asked if it was okay they come through my property to remove her car! I was like, well of course you can drive through. We need to get that car out of Bill's pool. How else would they have managed to remove it? I hope you're not upset with her and taking it it out on me. I just want you to know, when I heard about your pool tarp getting ripped apart, I was just as upset! Not sure about the whole thing - I was in Pittsburgh that night, but it was absolutely crazy! Thank God nobody got hurt. There were tire ruts all through my yard! I talked to her son about it and he apologized on her behalf. Not sure if you talked with either of them - I know you like to be left alone but you need to know that she felt horrible about the mishap. I wanted to talk to you about it, but only mentioned it to your housekeeper Karen. She couldn't believe all that happened either. I just want you to know that I know where you're coming from. Wheeling's a small city and I like my privacy just as much as the next guy. No harm, no foul.

I just want to be a good neighbor. All the other Ridgewood Drive residents and me seem to get along. Surely you know, I hang out with Beck and Jake. They live by that gate. You know... the gate that stays open these days. What's up with that??? We have a gate??? You'd think we're Hollywood stars living in Wheeling!

OK - I think I've got a new pole for you. My friend has one and we were planning on re-digging the hole, but I've got to walk on that sliver of your property if you want me to put up a new one. And you just got it surveyed again. I have a hunch that your team of skilled laborers is about to put up another fence. If you're having them put up yet another fence, I was worried it might look weird having a 15 ft. thin pole at the point where the split rail bends. It just would seem strange since the wooden pole never did anything. Ha Ha - some would say it was a utility pole that had no utility! In any event, I need to just make sure you really need/want a new pole. Let's be honest - it would look really weird to have another pole that just stands there next to a fence. Also, I don't want to interfere with your maintenance crew building another fence. My friend Brian said we should plant a nice tree there instead. I told him we can't just go around planting trees on everybody's property. I think he used to be a hippie.

And those particular poles are kind of outdated. My friend from AEP said it's probably their pole. Wouldn't it be crazy if you got so angry and it wasn't even your pole in the first place. OMG. He said, don't worry about it - "when they built the Allen's house, they probably put it up temporarily just to use it as an electricity meter. It's not the end of the world. Eric, if you've mowed that property for 5 years, how do your know it's not your pole? Maybe you own it! Well, maybe not. I'm not sure. If you take care of someone's property for 5 years, I think it legally becomes yours. And hey, why doesn't his lawn crew ever mow the hillside right next to your garage. All he has to do is tell them. It's not like they're going to defy his orders."

I just want you to know how horrible I feel. I just want it to go back to the way it was. We never talked but that's okay. We each have a private acre in the city. I just don't want future problems with that little, tiny sliver of land. Honestly, it's only 10 square ft. or so. I promise you - me and my friends will totally stay clear from now on. After all, I just go down there to mow. It's a great workout. I love it.

If you have any other problems, feel free to give me a ring. I know we've only spoken maybe 4 times in 5 years, but we could always be friends. Or not, it's totally up to you.
Please, let's just be happy nobody got hurt and try to move on. If you need Brian's number, just let me know. You repeatedly mentioned suing me. That sounds horrible. Neighbors should be try to get along and the last thing our country needs is to clog up the courts, especially with the whole Guantanamo Bay prisoner release thing. Like our President says, we need to look forward, not backward.

Your neighbor,

Eric Saferstein

PS - By the way, you're probably not going to like this but I taped our phone conversation and put it on Youtube! Don't worry. Neither of our names are mentioned. You said your name at the start but I didn't hit the record button until about 30 seconds in. The clip has gotten 56 hits since I last checked and some very funny comments. So I guess you could say we're both "famously anonymous" or "anonymously famous." Now I'm sure you'd agree, that is simply hysterical!

Thursday, May 21, 2009


For the love of God, life can't get much stranger. I just got off the phone w/ my neighbor Bill. Needless to say, he was in a FIT OF RAGE. For 10 minutes and 46 seconds he proceeded to call me every derogatory name in the book. I could hardly get a word in edgewise. I barely know this guy. The 3 or 4 times we've spoken in 5 years, he has always been incredibly confrontational. Not overtly hostile, but always exceedingly direct and caustic. Over the years, we've pretty much had what I'd call a "policy of successful avoidance." Well, until today...
I'll start from the beginning. I had my annual Pre-Memorial Day party on Saturday. Pretty good turnout despite the bad weather. I'd say about 25 people showed up and we had a good time. I got good reviews from everyone I spoke with afterwards. Nothing too crazy - just some drinks, foosball, dome - you know the drill. Anyway, I had about 8 skids and some firewood for the fire pit down below. Nobody went down to the pit because of the inclement weather, so I had my "point man" TFE burn some skids for a nice visual effect from the upper deck. Anyway, there has always been this telephone pole that sits about 3 feet inside my neighbor's yard. I use it to delineate the property line for mowing purposes. Even though it's not exact, it has always sufficed. It's an awkward property line for a variety of reasons. Never been a problem... until today. You see... here's what happened on Saturday. TFE "leaned" against the pole and it started to fall over. So he just decided to knock it over and throw it in the firepit. At the time, I thought to myself, Oh well - it was an eyesore - served no purpose - was probably built by accident - and it's about as half as thick as a normal telephone pole - and the bottom was half-corroded because it stands in the valley of the lawn where water collects. Plus, he never walks over there anyway. The only people who come into remote contact w/ the thing, until Saturday, were his army of hired soldiers (his groundskeeping crew) and I guess Gil White's mom may have brushed up against it a month ago when she charged recklessly into his pool. Anyway, the thing was corroded pretty badly at the bottom. TFE rocked it, it fell over and he threw it in the pit.
Well, all HELL broke loose this afternoon. I get the call. "Bill Adel here! You and your fucking friends destroyed my pole. You came on my fucking property and fucked with my pole! You and your fucking animal friends! You threw it in your fucking bonfire. You vandalized my property! If you don't put up a new pole, I'm going to sue your fucking ass. I know every politician and banker in this fucking town! You're fucking with the wrong guy!"
I swear to you, I"m trying to calm him down and explain the thing was corroded and basically just fell over and we disposed of it (albeit, in a fiery pit of damnation). Keep in mind, this 20 ft. or so pole has never served any viable purpose. At least, no valid function that I can surmise.
Seriously, he unleashed a venomous tirade. Fuck this, fuck you, fuck that. It was borderline insane. I wish I could have taped it, because you can't feign this type of rage. Kind of like Henry Rollins singing Liar, but not quite because he's just acting. Honestly, I can't compare what happened to anything I've ever seen or heard.
I tried to be as conciliatory as possible. After all, the pole (although it was worthless) is technically, but barely, on his property. Even though he accused us of using a chainsaw, I tried to assure him that it basically was leaned on and fell over. He was way to enraged to believe a word I said.
So it's five days later and I guess he realized his "pole" (w/ no intrinsic value) has disappeared. Then he sees the remains of half of it sitting near the fire pit along with the scorched earth. This probably lit the fuse and he went into an uncontrollable rage.
So here's the deal. What do I do? He's PISSED OFF. He's demanding a new pole and he also says he's going to build a split rail fence to delineate the property line. He brought up the split rail fence idea when I first moved in, but backed off because there was really no legitimate reason. Well, maybe he had the foresight to realize something like this could possibly happen. An unthinkable, unjustifiable form of animalistic vandalism.
He also repeatedly accused me and my "animal" friends of wanting to come over and burn his house down. He said he can't fucking sleep at night knowing his life and property are in jeopardy. He can't go away over Memorial Day because he's "afraid of what might happen." I'm not making this stuff up.
Well... Well... What to do? I could ask him if we could plant a tree instead. It would look nicer and at least serve a purpose. Trust me, there's no way he'd go for that. He wants his pole back. Believe me, he'd be willing to spend thousands on litigation just to prove his point. The problem - I'm afraid to go near the guy. Well, not afraid per se. I just don't want to see him have a heart attack. I'd have to administer mouth-to-mouth before calling 9-11. Needless to say, even more grounds for litigation. I tried to homophy him or something. I just don't know. In the past, I've spoken w/ him via his housekeeper (possibly the sweetest, kindest woman in the entire Ohio Valley). I'll probably run into her next week so I'll see if he has cooled off a bit. Maybe we can reach some rational accommodation (I doubt it).
You have to understand that this guy is a total xenophobe/hermit/recluse. No friends to the best of my knowledge. I've never seen any visitors, with the exception of his endless maintenance crews. I'm hardly a carpenter or handyman of any kind, but I get the impression he has never even screwed in a light bulb. His housekeeper comes 5 days a week! What normal single man needs a housekeeper 5 days out of the week?
What's even crazier - let's say I find and erect this 20 ft. pole which serves no purpose. Then, there'll be a pole right inside of a newly constructed split rail fence. It's going to look really weird. Keep in mind, this pole is about half as thick as a regular pole. It would have made a cool totem pole. Then, we could have danced around it like wild injuns!
Even funnier, Danno and I talked about chopping the pole down the day I moved in (5 years ago). He thought it would be cool to split it in half and turn it into a hammock (before he had the property surveyed). For the love of Christ! Could you imagine his reaction to that one? I move in and chop his pole down and then he sees me sipping a beer and scotch while dozing off in the hammock. I'm not religious, but for the love of God! The mental anguish would send him checking into Northwood.
I don't think we've heard the end of this one. I guess I'm going to see if we can round up a pole. Everyone who reads my blogs, knows I don't hold back. I report it all, even if it would make me appear guilty. Hell, let's be honest - this is amusing shit. Stuff you couldn't make up even if you tried. Maybe I should go around asking for old mops, poles, brooms and start planting them down in the yard. Some kind of twisted retaliation. On second thought, no.
If anyone out there has a 20-25 ft. pole, lemme know. In the meantime, be on the lookout for a utility pole which has no utility (this kind of irony follows me wherever I go). I'm going to get the dimensions right now - stand by... Alright, my real telephone/utility pole has a 32" circumfrence. This pole is 19" around. I still have about half of it. I'm guessing it was maybe 20 ft. in the air, even though he claims it was 30 or 40 ft, which is totally ludicrous. So I probably need one that's about 25 ft (5 ft. in the ground).
Maybe I should do nothing and claim it was a hazard. Honestly, it could have fallen over and hurt someone on my property. Maybe that's why it took him 5 days to audibilize his rage. He thinks we chainsawed it. I'll say this - there are plenty of "animal eyewitnesses" to back me up. Back in the day, I would have ignored all of this and just laughed it off. Maybe use it as a pick line - after all, it's quite an entertaining story if you know me. But to be honest, I think I'd rather put up a new pole for him, have him install his fence and just steer clear of him. I'm not the only person on our street who avoids him.
One more thing. You'd think the old lady driving into his pool last month and shredding his tarp would anger him. Apparently, not so. Perhaps it's a culmination of senseless vandalism that put him over the edge.
One more thing... Do I have any future ownership claims or liability regarding this useless pole? What if it falls over and squashes a squirrel or turkey? Is it my fault? Could I be held liable? Maybe it would could come back to haunt me. What if he commits suicide by hanging himself from the new pole. And you think I'm kidding??? His estate could sue me. After all he knows "every fucking politician and banker in this town!" I still don't get the banker bit... G Max - you hear what I'm sayin? You are a "fucking eyewitness animal banker!" Help me! For the love of God, help us all!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I'll be the first to admit it. I enjoy reading status updates on facebook. I like the brief descriptions of encapsulated thoughts of others. Of course I have a few complaints. And here we go...

At this moment (6:41am) I am drinking a cup of coffee. If I were to share this with others via facebook, perhaps I would describe the type of coffee I'm drinking which happens to be Archer Farms Costa Rican Tarrazu purchased from Target. It's a milder roast. Doesn't that provoke a little more scrutiny than, "Saf loves his morning coffee. Mmmmm." Maybe you could offer a quality ranking on a scale of 1-10. My point - if it's your intention to share this information (which should be construed as marginally weak), then why not embrace it a bit more fully. An identical argument could be made for discussing dinner plans. Instead of "Saf is hungry and can't wait to eat dinner. Yummmm." How about "Saf's ravenous appetite will be squelched by a large plate of shrimp scampi." Alright, maybe you don't need to utilize these flowery descriptions, but I think the point is clear.

How about the "dumbing down" of facebook? This is particularly upsetting since it takes a while longer to download the page because of all these endless quizzes and "illusory" items that get sent. I have this one friend - a nice guy but I barely know him. He enjoys sending people nonexistent perishable food items using a "Meet me at the diner" application. This gets pretty annoying. You get all the updates. He'll send a fictitious blueberry muffin to Diana or a tray of mythical hash browns to Chris. I realize I'm a cynic, but how does anyone derive pleasure or satisfaction from this? And he does it on a consistent basis. What a great way to start the week. A fake poached egg from an internet nerd in upstate New York! I guess I could click off the enable button but I don't have good luck trying to moderate these things.

I've also tired of all the amusing quizzes. Which U.S. President are you? I'm fucking James Polk. Yes, I'd like to fuck James Polk. You're Rutherford B. Hayes. And there's an endless description of the Teapot Dome scandal or the devious manner in which you purchased Louisiana from the French. Does anyone actually read these thoroughly uninspiring robotic messages? I'd hate to be the person who writes them - talk about regurgitated, tedious bullshit.

Or how about "Name my 5 favorite sports teams" - Steelers, Steelers, Steelers, Mountaineers, Steelers. Ohhh, how creative! Now I get it. You must be the biggest Pittsburgh Steelers fan EVER. LMAO. Can you fathom what it says about a person if they saw someone write that and then chose to make the same exact comment, but using Cowboys, Cowboys, Cowboys, Lakers, Cowboys. In all likelihood, this is someone I'd never want to meet. Oddly enough, out of my 103 alleged "friends" - probably 8 of them would do this. And another thing, I have 5 friends of whom I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE. What on earth possesses people to click off the friend box if you've never even spoken to the person? I guess it's the anonymity of the internet that emboldens the normally cautious late night/online soccer mom.

Saf, if you have all these problems with facebook, why do you check it several times a day? Honestly, I don't have a decent answer. Maybe I've capitulated to the mindless nature of it all. Maybe today I'll go find out which Pearl Jam song I am. It had better be "Faithful." Honestly, I can easily do without the twitter/myspace bullshit and have never investigated the friendster crap, but there is a slight allure to seeing what's going on with everyone. And I will admit, I enjoy knowing when so and so got engaged or had a baby. I'm less interested in knowing someone's grade on a nursing exam.

Olga lost 3 lbs. in 12 days! Hooray!
Saf "likes this" - of course Saf likes this... her morbid obesity was offensive to most local residents.

Erin hasn't smoked a cigarette in 14 hours.
Saf "likes this" - of course I like this... Your breath stunk when you were babbling incessantly about American Idol.

Kari is drinking Buttery Nipples and Sex on the Beaches!
Saf feels growing animosity and seething pangs of contempt.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

American Idol

Greetings! My name is John Taylor or something relatively generic. For those of you who don't know me, I'm the lead singer of Foghat. We wrote a crappy song called Slow Ride in the late 1970's. It helped catapult us to stardom. We opened for Aerosmith back in the day and now we play on the non-Vegas casino circuit. Sometimes we rock the fuck out of an abandoned roller skating rink. This summer, we have multiple gigs at several semi-defunct midwest chili cook-offs. Omaha, here we come! Sioux City, Iowa - you bitches are next! I'm not even going to say what's goin' down in Tulsa.
In any event, we're all here jammin at the Red Roof Inn and some groupie turned on American Idol. What the fuck! Ahhh, this is totally bitchin! They're playin' our monster hit "Slow Ride!" Suh-weeeet!
Wait a minute. It's some virgin teenage girl and an emo-what-the-fuck-effeminate-outlandish-gay-quasi-heartthrob-lame-douchebag-singing sensation. It's some kind of man-boy love child. These two are singing our song! What the fuck is going on? OK, it just ended. The judges are weighing in...

Paula says, "You guys totally ROCK! Yinz are the greatest rock stars ever!"
Black dude weighs in, "Yeahhh, Dog! You two are the shizzist of the nit! It was doper than dope!"
finally the Simon guy says, "Way to go. You two have sizzled in a fashion more explosive than contemporary bacon!"

Alright, do you really need me to explain how pathetic this show is? When you start to really think about it, it's a bad joke with unabashed, runaway momentum.
This whole American Idol bullshit is not good. When I grew up, you got to see rock bands and musicians. You identified with them. They became a part of you. Now all we get are these sugar-coated "phenoms." They're so inspiring. I can't wait to talk about Sparkle Timmons tomorrow with the gals at the water cooler. She was Sooo ON last night! How about the token Hindu nerdman in a polo shirt? Or what about pony-tailed blondee? She's my fav! That fat-ass waitress from Detroit is so sassy. LOL!

Joe the Plumber - you missed your true calling. At least you would have been taken seriously by 40% of the population. Instead, you got 20%. Still... not bad for a dumbshit from northern Toledo.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

future skirmish

During the course of the summer of 2009, I have devised a plot so diabolical and potentially devastating, the implications so vast and far reaching, it will be felt by all who take the Oglebay exit as they venture onto the main drag of National Road. It is my stated intention to slowly increase the level of hostility between all the businesses. Minit Car Wash, Long John Silvers, TJ's Pukegarden and the 19th Ho will be permanently impacted. Bob Evans might even get drawn into the fray. It's my goal to make this entire area resemble the Middle East. This will be achieved through "gradual sign (marquee) manipulation." I assure my readers (if there are any), it will be done honorably. I will not be purchasing additional lettering for the signs, nor would I ever contemplate snagging any letters for future use. Brace yourself. The future of the whatever block of National Road will be an uncertain one. Here's is a list of businesses and what I envision each one mirroring.

TJ's - Iraq (turmoil, despair, and wardrobe malfunctioning since they all have the lame referee outfits - eerily similar to wearing a burka in 120 degree weather)

CVS - Dubai (a beacon of prosperity)

Long John Silvers - Syria (a beacon of squalor)

Bob Evans - (I'm thinking Turkey, since they have those knife and fork sandwiches, plus they appear secular and a little detached since they're across the street)

19th Ho - Israel (the powerhouse, home to the chosen ones)

Minit Car Wash - Iran (the dangerous wildcard)

Tim Whoretons - There are no brothels in the Middle East. Prostitution is frowned upon so we'll give it to Saudi Arabia since they are are the biggest whores on the block. Plus they have the valued corner spot which epitomizes them being awash with oil. I was going to turn Long John Silver's into Saudi Arabia because of the oil factor, but after further contemplation, I think they use some kind of flavorful lard.

I think you get the picture. But why? Why would anyone want to stir up this hornets nest on National Road? Because it's my obligation. The right wing nutjobs of Ohio County are still in love with ex-President George Bush. They still continue to fully embrace him at every opportunity yet never comprehend the consequences of his actions, or his inactions. This will be an attempt, albeit a crude one, to explain the neo-con agenda in simple terms they can better understand. Sometimes you have to spell these things out for the churchgoing, torture loving, uterus interfering, gun-toting, gay bashing, Cheney sucking fucks. Amen.
On an unrelated note, Go Pens.