Sunday, December 27, 2015

the horrible hanger

Last year around this time, I wrote a book and threw it up on the internet.  It could very well be the worst book ever written.  By "worst" I mean crude, obnoxious, disgusting, repugnant, revolting, putrid, vile, despicable and unrelentingly sickening.  No need to even consult a thesaurus.  Such a resource would never do the description adequate justice.

However, there's some good news!  A book this atrocious is free... of course. 

Spoiler Alert: I refuse to divulge the premise or content.  Let's just say that if the Steelers go on a playoff rampage, it will be promoted throughout social media like the Old Testament in a Southern Baptist church, like venomous snakes on the pulpit, like trickling blood stains on the cross...

Anyway, if you read the book, you'll discover that the Steelers Sideline Store at Heinz Field is not your only source for officially licensed NFL gear.  I came up with my own line of authentic merch!
But there's a big difference.  Just like the book, my shit's free.  Is it any wonder Art Rooney II hates my guts? 

Breaking News: It's the NFL. It's always about the money. Nothing more, nothing less.

So without further adieu, here's some of the featured items in my book AND an exclusive sneak-peak at something new, something different.  No... not a gift box of fruit syrups.  I've termed it "The Horrible Hanger."  But first, let's journey back in time Huey Lewis-style.

The Yinzer Yarmulke

The main character, a 5th grader named Sid from Squirrel Hill, proudly sports this holy headgear throughout the book.  Well, up until the 8th chapter when he has an unfortunate encounter with a holy priest in a Heinz Field restroom.

The Terrible Twirler 

In the event you forget your terrible towel, this nasty whipping device (comprised of 10 Steelers hemp key chains) makes for a fantastic substitute!  Just toss it in a 6"12"6" clear plastic bag and head on in.  Just make sure you adhere to the strict guidelines for stadium entry.  

The above link ^^^ represents one of the greatest moments in the history of post-9/11 television.

Let's see.  There's also the Terrible Turban, the Terrible Twat-Rag and the Black'n'Gold Burqa.  I'll refrain from those descriptions.  Sometimes it's best to leave a little bit to the imagination --- a woeful narrative the book refuses to adhere to.

However, I promised you the "Horrible Hanger."  And by the grace of God... here it is.

Behold the rich polyester history, in all its colorful glory.  Truth be told, most of these rags were "rescued" from the concrete and asphalt, in and around the the stadium.  And you probably thought the "horrible hanger" was a back alley abortion reference.

I made that contraption a couple weeks ago and it proudly sits in our basement.  It's currently open to ANYONE heading to the game.  Ideally, it will function as a lost and found or as a "give a penny/take a penny" at the cash register.  Towels are an integral part of spectator sports... except on the golf course, of course.  I once found a nice golf towel in the woods at Speidel (hole #8).  Score!  But when I showed it to my buddy, he gave me this look of consternation and said, "Saf, some guy probably used it to wipe his ass."  I gave it some thought and dropped it on the tee box.  Hopefully, twas not the end of that towelie's journey.  Definitely worthy of a GPS locator.

The irony here is this.  In 100+ games, I've NEVER taken a towel into the stadium.  I've smuggled in all kinds of beer, wine, food, recreational accessories, etc.  But never a towel.  

It's doubtful the Steelers will get a home playoff game.  They need to win 2 and have Cincy lose 2.  Possible but not probable.  And it's widely speculated that they're currently the hottest team, the one that nobody wants to encounter.  So here's the deal.  This year, I hit up all 8 home games as well as the 3, count 'em 3, preseason ones.  To properly honor the impending playoff run, I will provide a brief description of each.

Mad props to the Steelers marketing department... for the most boring, uninspired ticket design of the last decade.  Incidentally, the last time I went to every home game (2005), they ended up winning the Superbowl.  Could it be an omen?  A portent if you will.  Or could it signal the next 9/11 --- a dominipede?  Time will tell.  Time.


August 9: Steelers 3, Vikings 14

Hall of Fame Game in Canton.  Gigi and I took it to the streets.  I even blogged about my extensive travels from that weekend.

August 2:  Steelers 24, Packers 19

The day after my birthday.  Always cool to see Green Bay come to town.

September 3:  Steelers 6, Panthers 23

If memory serves me correctly, we left before the half. Why do they always close the preseason against Carolina?  A mystery I've never tried to unravel.


September 10: Steelers 43, 49ers 18

Trouncing victory.  I had a hunch it would be a blowout.  Largely based on the additional 3 days of rest following the Patriots Thursday night season opener.  Factor in the 1pm East Coast time for a visit from the west coast 49ers and you had all the elements for strong showing.  Classic bounceback game.  The only game I paid money for ($40).  Spent too much time preaching, not enough time searching.

October 1: Steelers 20, Ravens 23 (OT)

Killer night game.  Sponged some nachos off Mikey and Ellen beforehand at Mullen's.  Hung out with the Michael Vick dog protesters for a little bit.  Scored a few extras and sold them accordingly.  Usually, I don't mind getting beat by the Ravens as long as it's a tight game.

October 18: Steelers 25, Cardinals 13

We got all the breaks.  They dominated us (time of possession-wise).  Turnovers sodomized them.  I find it amusing how every year without fail, the Cardinals always acquire our cuts and castaways.

November 1: Steelers 10, Bengals 16

Now that one stung. 

November 8: Steelers 38, Raiders 35

Probably my favorite game of the year.  Absolute thriller.  Gigi wore her Raiders shirt. 

November 15: Steelers 30, Browns 9

Had a brief encounter with Browns owner Jimmy Haslam.  Harassed him and his suited-ilk posse about the stampedes for the duration of their walk in between Gate C and Gate B.  One of his cronies said, "I hear what you're saying.  It's like shouting 'fire' in a crowded theater."  What an obliteration against the Brownies.  They truly are the definition of "hapless."  I like that Cleveland comedian who unleashes on behalf of all the season ticket holders.  Funny stuff.

If the Browns ever wish to rejoin us in the playoffs, they need to bring back Bernie Kosar or maybe Brian Sipe.  Worst case scenario, extend a helping hand to Trent Dildo.

December 6: Steelers 45, Colts 10

Tickets were everywhere.  Almost 10,000 no-shows.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  The Steelers have the greatest fans in the world... well, except for one trivial fact.  Thousands of them routinely skip the games.  They just don't show up, especially the night games.  Those that do attend often leave early during the 2nd half.  Guilty as charged that night --- we exited midway through the 4th, just before Antonio Brown had the punt return and straddled the goal post.  Good wine (Free Range Red).  Good time.

December 20: Steelers 34, Broncos 27

Toughest ticket of the season.  Didn't think we'd secure entry but Gigi managed to dig deep and score a couple freebies.  Down at the half 28-10, but I had this strange confidence we'd come back and take it.  Once again, good wine (Cocobon Red Blend).  Good time.

And now... it's time.

Time for the Ravens game.  Steelers are -10 on the road.  Usually I hate those big spreads but I got a pretty good feeling about today.  Time will tell.  Time.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Top 10 Reasons Trump Might Get Whacked

As much as I despise that egomaniac, I do find Donald Trump to be somewhat of an iconic figure.  Probably because I admire his desire to shake up the system.  Something that's terribly needed in this era of political expediency, predictability and mediocrity.  A far cry from they way things used to be.

Anybody who runs for the presidency requires some degree of narcissism.  In all honesty, it should almost be a requirement for the highest office in the land.  Of course, Trump's smug, discombobulated arrogance takes it to a an entirely new level.  One of epic, unfathomable proportions. 

So before Carnie Wilson launches her North American Geico Insurance tour or the big pharma/Pfizer pharmaceutical weight loss tour (fat lady sings reference), here's why I think Trump might end up dead... possibly with a bullet to the head.

1.  The good 'ol U.S. of A has a long history of political assassinations.  I won't bore you with the litany of corpses.  Let's just say it extends beyond those who hold office.  This grim reality even applies to those who seek office.  To quote that shitty Nicklebacking Creedish song... it's been a while.  It just seems like we're long overdue for a shocking, politically inspired death... don't cha think?  And I can assure you, it ain't gonna be George Pataki.

2.  Trump just had the finest medical doctor in all the land proclaim that if elected, "he would be the most physically fit, healthiest president in the history of our country."  I find it a bit odd that Trump could even locate or manufacture a med school graduate who'd be willing to say something so absurd.  Seriously, what about JFK?  Obama seemed pretty fit when he took office.  Even George Bush was in decent shape except for when he almost died from choking on a pretzel.  I'll willingly concede that Trump's in better shape than a hefty Taft or the frailest of them all, William Henry Harrison (he died in thirty days).  But is he the greatest presidential specimen of all time?  I doubt it.   Does this have anything to do with a potential case of regicide?  Not really.  Just thought it was amusingly weak.

3.  Bullying and insults can come back to haunt you.  In life, there are certain equalizers.  A hit of acid can turn a 350 lb. offensive lineman into a whining baby or a sniveling coward.  Contrarily, a bullet to the head has the same effect on a Navy Seal or an Olympic athlete.  Universal laws apply to everyone... except the cops.  Trump is not immune.  He might just piss off the wrong person at the wrong time.  Even Trump planes and helicopters, elevators and escalators are prone to mechanical failure.  It might not be a customary hit.

3.  When your appeal is highlighted by low income, Southern white Republican voters, it might eventually come back to bite you in the ass.  This particular fan base is NOT receptive to betrayal.  For example, if Trump took an actual policy position on something specific, say... restricting gun purchases for those on the DO NOT FLY list.  Well, it might seem like a sensible position to him, but to the legions of varmint hunters who gotta go kill Bambi at any cost whatsoever... well, maybe not.  The NRA is a lot like Anonymous.  They do not forgive.  They do not forget.  They'd probably be able to convince a markswoman of Sarah Palin's stature to "off" Trump.  If she was unwilling to commit, maybe they could ask Bristol's new baby girl "Sailor."  Seriously, I was hoping she might name the kid "Driver" or "Pilot."

Reminds me of the time I convinced this girl from Bellaire to name her newborn baby girl "Chlamydia."  Ohhh, that sweet uncorrupted immaculate virgin birth. 

4.  What if someone's out there who fancies himself as an astute political observer or future historical operative (based on watching Fox News 24/7 of course)?  Based on Rupert Murdoch-guided, scientific polling of the highest standards, somebody might get the impression that Cruz or Rubio would stand a better chance against Hillary... and take matters into their own hands.

These days, in the past few decades, it's become pretty reasonable to assume that if you attain the presidency, you could be in there for 8 years, not just 4.  That's grounded in recent historical precedent --- Reagan, Clinton, Bush, Obama.  Eight years of Hillary and her "disgusting lies" about the most critical issues of our time (Benghazi and the email server) might just be too much for someone to take.  It might push them over the edge.  After all, it's like killing baby Hitler.  You'd be doing humanity a favor. 

5.  Trumps finds himself in some pretty unusual physical locations.  All these massive crowds and gatherings of the finest people.  They're all huge.  So many wonderful admirers who care about great things.  Important problems that call for big solutions.  These are tough times that demand strong leaders.  Maybe I should consider writing with that style of adjectivial alliteration.  On second thought, it probably wouldn't suit me.

Now those throngs of trained minions might make for good photo-ops on television, but it's also more difficult to secure the perimeters.  And all of these really smart people seem to have one thing in common.  All Christian, all white, all conservative, all devout, all outspoken, all patriots.  If it's strictly a numbers game, I'm going to bet that eventually, one of these principled followers might crack.  Percentages don't bode well for political absolutists who engage in continual ad hominem attacks and vitriolic harangues. I'm sure the Secret Service would vouch for me on this one.

6.  Speaking of the Secret Service, lately they've been spreading themselves pretty thin.  I hear they're in the critical final planning stages, configuring the details of how best to protect Chelsea Clinton's newest fetus.  It's called Operation G-Kid.  Not too mention the Reagan kids, the Bush girls and others.  It's a pretty extensive list that just keeps on growing.  Meanwhile, the whole organization is mired in all kinds of weird scandals (the prostitution busts in Columbia, the multiple deranged characters who've jumped the fence at the White House, some agent is always hooked on dope or being bribed, more death threats on social media than one could possibly comprehend, etc.).  Their director Julia Pearson?  Didn't she just resign a couple months ago?  What happens when there's no figurehead to push Congress for those much needed extra billions?  Newsflash:  They don't get the requisite funding.  The money gets redirected to more noble causes --- Boeing, fracking, caring (for Dick Cheney's chronic heart condition, of course).

7.  Karma's a bitch.  What comes around, goes around.  Eventually, one of these illegal immigrants shows up.  You know, one of the Mexican rapists or murderous criminals.  They smoke drugs, commit acts of thievery and intentionally impregnate teenage girls to secure Obamacare and birthright citizenship.  Perhaps just one of these illegal millions on the cusp of deportation will feel like they got nothing left to lose.  Fuck!  It's Texas, Mexico, Texaco or bust.  Not the most palatable of choices.

Maybe it's one of those barbaric Muslims who chop off the heads of defenseless Christians.  Maybe, just maybe, someone with an allegiance to the caliphate takes offense to the United States bombing the "shit out of them."  Hey, it turns out that social media is the "biggest" recruiting tool of them all.  Our bombing raids, military bases and rampant imperialistic endeavors have nothing to do with why "they hate us."

And not only must we figure out a way to take our country back, we also need to take OUR internet back.  Because the internet is ours.  It belongs to all of us here in the United States.  Well, except for Al Gore.  He's a stupid loser who lost to Bush.  If only Gore had surrounded himself with smarter people, he would have won.  Gore couldn't even win his home state of Tennessee.  What an idiot!  Instead, we got Bush and he ended up giving us Iraq.  See!  Foreign policy isn't that hard to understand. The outcomes are akin to a reality tv game show.

8. Along that same line of reasoning, extreme stances on issues with no room for intellectual debate or compromise could come back to haunt you.  When you embrace that kind of nationalistic populism (like most fascist leaders --- Hitler, Mussolini, etc.) it's fraught with backlash. Quite simply, you become the face of every problem.  YOU physically become the target.  Much like a deer in headlights at the Oglebay Festival of Shite.

There's a little "unspeakable" irony here.  Trump, who continually claims that everyone loves him (an unattainable position for ANY high profile politician... might just find out the hard way... that somebody actually hated his guts).  Hell, it's the same reason people hate me.

9.  Trump likes to flaunt himself as the greatest, the smartest, the boldest, the most important, the most feared, the most respected.  Historically speaking, those who commit political assassinations also see themselves as "larger than life."  What better a way to achieve that 15 minutes of fame... which would likely extend far beyond the obligatory 15 minutes as they would logically portray themselves as having altered the course of the country... if not the trajectory of humanity.  

10.  How about all that extemporaneous speaking?  Personally, I find it refreshing.  It's his one redeeming quality.  But eventually, something bad slips out.  Even worse than what slipped out during Hillary's bathroom break!  Now if you're The Donald, a deity with the sculpted mane of a Greek god like Zeus or Thor or whatever, you don't EVER walk things back.  If anything, when you say something particularly obnoxious, you just double down and fully commit.  You dig an even deeper hole.  It's his bizarre brand of presidential infallibility.  It's even more resolute than Catholic papal doctrine.  This might play well to a base of zealot extremists, but not the vast majority of moderate voters who realize the world is a complex place with shades of nuance on just about every issue.

*** BONE-US for Extra Credit ***  Most important, Trump's pissing off all these establishment people behind the scenes who benefit from maintaining their stranglehold with the 2 party political system.  The candidates running for office aren't the only people who've got a say in how things work.  I honestly don't think he realizes this.  He lives in this gold-plated vacuum with a diamond encrusted handle.  Sucking up all that grime and filth, not to mention naivete and ignorance.

It makes me wonder, what if Trump got the nomination but felt he was getting a "raw deal."  And then abandoned the Republican party?  He decided that everyone was just too stupid and inept and they were sinking his campaign.  Maybe a dash of paranoia --- Reince Preibus is actively trying to ruin my chance at the presidency... because he doesn't like me.  Such a publicity seeking stunt would appeal to his bipolar, twisted sense of urgency.  Plus, it's the perfect plan when he needs to bail.  That's if he finds himself losing out which I suspect would happen in a head-on match-up against Hillary (she'd win ALL 50 states).  In fact, I think it's exactly what would occur.  His ego would never allow for an honorable Romney-esque defeat.  It's just not how he thinks.  And it's definitely not how he acts.  Can anyone on this earth even fathom the concept of a Trump concession speech?  How would that go?  I should have won but the voters were just too stupid.  I hope you all go broke and your children starve to death.

All I'm sayin' is this.  If you make a deliberate, conscious decision to disrupt the powers that be... I don't care of you're a DemoCRIPP or a ReBLOODlican, bad things just seem to happen.  Our system can only handle so much antagonistic shit before the system itself retaliates.

The problem with Trump is that he'd never go quietly.  He'd seemingly take everyone down with him.   A blame game of immeasurable consequence.  Trust me, I don't envision Trump devoted to the notion of Omerta or even some lesser code of fiscal silence.

Monday, December 07, 2015

Jeb Bush Rebound Strategy

Obviously, the entire world now knows that Donald Trump is willing to ban "Muslim travel" into the United States.  At least until, "we get the problem figured out."

Since Jeb (by nature) is a weak politician.  I am going to tell him EXACTLY what he needs to say.  This is assuming Trump does not clarify his statement or "walk it back."

"To any registered Republican primary voter --- if you are seriously considering casting a ballot for Donald Trump, please do NOT even consider voting for me.  I do NOT want your vote.  I'd rather lose the presidency than know my winning votes came from people who share Donald Trump's vision and ideology.  It's just not who I am or what I'm about.  It's not what my country's about."

This is Jeb's big opportunity to get back in the race.  He'll likely condemn Trump's comments but HE NEEDS TO GO THE EXTRA MILE.  Will he take it to the limit?  No way.  Too cautious and predictable.  Doesn't have the guts. 

Jeb could take it one step further and tell people that he'd rather Hillary be president... as opposed to Trump.  This part would really be walking a fine line, but it would definitely make Jeb the de facto anti-Trump candidate.  Jeb needs to define himself from an OFFENSIVE posture rather than a defensive position.  Why am I the only person who gets this stuff?  These morons spend millions on consultants and polling... and still don't git it.

Funny how Jeb will spend more money than all the other Republican candidates combined.  But doesn't have the intuitive sense of when to strike or fight back.  Just doesn't get it.