Friday, August 29, 2014

Adult Channel Word Blip Game

I came up with an idea for a free "adult" party game.  I think this would be a big hit across the board --- high school kids, dorm rooms, dinner soirees, Monday night football parties, etc.  If someone wants to design the app, knock yourself out.  Just please give me credit.  I think this one has tremendous comedic promise.  And it's a great conversation starter.  Gets even the most conservative, prissy crowd to loosen up.  Although I wouldn't recommend it for a Mitch McConnell fundraiser.

Have you ever read the DirecTV program descriptions in the upper 500 channel section?  There's about 5 or 6 pay-per-view channels and a couple of them get pretty verbally raunchy.  Back when I was a curious teenager, this would have captured my attention better than the books they assigned us for summer reading.  Seriously, what sounds more enticing?  "Ethan Frome" or "Park Your Hot Rod in my Steaming Garage."

Here's how the game works.  I recommend about 10 players.  You could participate individually, but I think teams of two works better.

The titles of a dozen XXX programs and the brief 1-2 sentence descriptions are printed out and distributed.  However, in each description, one of the words is intentionally removed and replaced with a different word.  The newly inserted word must start with the same letter and have the same number of syllables.  At the beginning, the word in question, should be relatively obvious.  For example,

Title:  Ass Class III

Description:  Slutty sorority sisters eagerly await the arrival of horrific dongs.

As you may have guessed, the word "horrific" seems a little bit out of place.  Not completely though.  And that's the key.  That's what gets the discussion going after everyone scribbles down their substitute word choice.

The correct word was actually "humongous."  Note how it also starts with the letter "h" and has the identical 3 syllable pattern.  As you may have surmised, the fun begins when people share their projected word choice.  Maybe they wrote "heroic" dongs or "hunger-starved" dongs.

Everyone who chose the correct word gets a point.  Ideally, the words should become more difficult as the game progresses.

Let's try another.

Title:  Hooter Hotties

Description:  Courteous gals show off their measurements and strut their stuff.  

As you can see, this one's a little bit tougher.  The word "courteous" was supposed to be "curvacious."  But maybe you thought it was "cutey-pie."  And this is when the outlandish buffoonery commences.  Heated arguments over whether "lesbian" or "libido" is a better fit.  The greater the number of syllables, the greater the level of complexity.

Title:  Interracial Beach Bitches 

Description:  It's time to get wet.  Aquatic nymphos demand proper segregation.

Alright, now this one's a toughie.  It's specifically designed to cause friction.  You're probably wondering if it's "aquatic" or "segregation."  On the foosball table, we call this the 'ol bait and switch.  The word "aquatic" goes hand in hand with the beach.  Hmmm.  Maybe.  But the word "segregation" has racial overtones as was inferred in the title.  Hmmm.  But.  As you can see, things just got a lot more challenging. 

The correct answer: "segregation" was supposed to be "stimulation."  Damn!

The instructions are best summed up --- "There can be only one!"

That is correct. 

Even though you may stumble across better words and superior alliteration, there can be only one.

There's just something about the nerd waving that chicken wing.

Like I said, if anyone wants to design the app... feel free.  I think this one's a game-changer. 

Friday, August 22, 2014

Viral Philanthropy - BCMC (Breast Cancer Motorboat Challenge)

Since the ALS Ice Bucket challenge campaign's inception, it has raised 50+ million.  Not too shabby.  It got me to thinking.  I wonder... what might be the next big one?   I think it's fascinating how the concept of "viral philanthropy" originated in my lifetime.  Why do I think nobody cares about that particular aspect?  Why do I think everyone just wants to dump tubs of freezing water on themselves and grimace accordingly?

The prospect of other charities jumping on board this Carnival Cruise ship is inevitable.  Because it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when.

Here's what I've taken away from the ALS challenge.

There must be a snappy cell phone video.  And the mission or task needs to be simple and quick (definitely under a minute, 30 seconds is good, 15 seconds is ideal).

Yeah, Whorewhole almost got it right.  Can't really blame him.  He died in 1987, well before the narcissistic plague of mobile devices.  That's vastly worse than the biblical plague of frogs (my personal fav of 'ol time religion/Old Testicular wrath).

The video should be fresh and somewhat titillating.  Forgive the future pun.  You'll soon see why.  There must be an element of self-promotion as well.  Look at me - look at me - watch me do this - I am popular - I am funny - and Bazinga, here's the proof.   It also requires an element of easily digestible, prank-driven humor and self-deprecation.  Ideally, there should be a tiny bit of anxiety or discomfort --- part of the "this is my personal sacrifice" routine.

Currently, there are a slew of breast cancer awareness causes and charitable foundations (Komen pink ribbon mayhem, National Institute of this, Society for Awareness of that, etc.).  The sexual stigma of naked breasts doesn't run as deep as it once did, say back in the 1980's.  All kinds of "save the ta-tas" tank tops and "I love boobies" t-shirts.  Suffice to say, the idea of "jugular eroticism" ain't what it used to be.  Unless you're a connaisseur of some weirdo pornographic niches, there's been a general societal desensitization to big titties.  Does anyone remember the weird expression... "That's tits!"  Because obviously tits are cool, so logic would invariably follow, that anything cool would include said tits.  Personally speaking, I hated that saying and still do.  It just always sounded kind of hackneyed and forced.  The people uttering it usually had a fairly predictable song and dance. 

So Saf, what's your grand idea?

Alright.  The term "motorboat" has been around for a while.

motorboat -  The act of pushing one's face in between two ample breasts, and rocking one's head side to side very rapidly while making a vigorous, lip-vibrating "brrr" sound.

I think we've all seen the Vince Vaughn bit from Wedding Crashers.

I call it the Breast Cancer Motorboat Challenge.  Basically, just copy the provisions and execution of the ALS theme --- make a donation OR take the challenge and raise awareness for the cause.  Except this one's a bit more risque because of... well... the boobs.


It gives women everywhere the opportunity to show off their cleavage for a seemingly noble cause.  Call me crazy, but last time I checked, there were about a trillion women looking for an excuse to flaunt their hooters.  Of course, this would inflame puritanical sensibilities.  That's kind of the idea because I enjoy upsetting Mormons and to a lesser extent, the Taliban.

The BCM Challenge offers up unexplored terrain in the realm of social media.  Seems rather blase compared to the current internet issues with ISIS beheadings and Edward Snowden leaks.  But just edgy enough to cause a stir.

Of course I'd be derelict if I didn't pay homage to the original motorboat.

The Motorboat Challenge definitely has the key elements.  It's expedited drama.  Definitely sucks you in and holds your attention.  Allows for silly creativity and expansion upon the original idea (large breasted males can participate, orgy-like lines of people, small-titted wonders, ass cheek motorboating, etc.).  And it even offers the idiot alpha male an easy script for hitting on hotties at the local bar.  I'm trying to help raise money for breast cancer.  Would you be interested in helping me out?


The downside --- it could get a little weird if younger kids and child predators get involved.  But then again, I'm sure there are plenty of pervs who did the ice bucket challenge.

I also came up with an idea for a "Bark at the Moon, Kick Smoking in the Butt" challenge that involves taking pictures of yourself in the underwear of the opposite sex.  You announce your resolve to quit by dropping your erogenous garment and "mooning" the audience.  Then, you howl at the moon... much like Ozzy.

If you fail to cease smoking, you're "obligated" to wear the opposite underwear/panties until you rid yourself of the evil addiction.  Because everyone in their right mind knows that cigarettes are a tool of satan.  In essence, it's like you're shouting at the devil.

Yep, Gigi and I saw them at Starlake last Sunday.  They were pretty much as bad as this 2014 clip from Grand Rapids, Michigan.  Far be it from me to dispense advice, but Motley Crud could really use that little Asian imposter dude who sings for Journey.  Vince Neil was easily the weakest link.

By the way, if you think the BCM Challenge has merit, feel free to read my book about a different philanthropic cause --- preventing human stampedes.  This one's a little more difficult because nobody is willing to acknowledge the issue even exists.  You can explain it to people, but they refuse to listen.  At least with Lou Gerhig's disease and breast cancer you can actually see the problem rather than speculate and hypothesize.  Americans aren't very good at using their imagination.  We just like to buy shit.

Monday, August 18, 2014

If I were in charge of the Michael Brown protests in Ferguson, MO...

... I'd immediately move them to downtown St. Louis, Missouri.  Specifically right outside the game day main entrances of Busch Stadium (Cardinals) and Edward Jones Stadium (Rams).

This accomplishes several things.

1.  You take advantage of the fact that you're a close suburb of a major Midwestern city with two professional sports franchises.  And you have public transportation (inexpensive city buses) that can be utilized to efficiently move large groups of people.  According to google, the drive to the baseball stadium is 19 minutes from Ferguson.  The drive to the football stadium takes 16 minutes.  Just enough time to properly rally the troops during your brief interstate excursion.

2.  It better harnesses the power of the First Amendment and uses freedom of assembly provisions to your advantage.  As the Scorpions would say (before they sucked) - Big City Nights, you keep me runnin'.

3.  The newly instituted curfews would have less of an impact.  It diminishes the state's ability to impose their brand of control.  If the police extend the curfew to other areas, it makes them appear overzealous and acting with no discretion.

4.  Whatever the message, it's heard by a larger audience.  And it enhances the possibility of large quantities of people unexpectedly JOINING the protest.  Both stadiums draw strong crowds.  Busch Stadium has a capacity of 46,000 and is general filled.  This is especially relevant because they play on weeknights.  Edward Jones Stadium maxes out around 70,000.  Adds to the perceived ethnic diversity of the protesting group as well, thus giving it greater credibility.  Now it's just not the residents of Ferguson, it's the citizens of St. Louis.

5.  It makes for even greater media exposure from unexpected sources.  If the sports announcers fail to reference the ongoing protests outside, it makes them look indifferent or biased, or at the least, unprofessional and approaching a level of borderline incompetency.

6.  If the governor chooses to call in the National Guard OR mobilize local SWAT teams... all of a sudden, they're seemingly harassing wealthier, mostly whiter individuals that just wanted to enjoy America's favorite past times.  Any routine demonstration of excessive force and militarization has a much greater possibility of being greeted with utter disdain.  When the militarized police are made to look bad (gas masks, tanks and k-9 units, etc.), you look good.

And not only that, but now the police have additional considerations which requires more planning and a fresh overall assessment.  Different crowd variables call for varied approaches, more overtime pay, strategy meetings, strained government resources, etc.  Bleed them from within. 

7.  It takes time to properly mobilize all those police units and command/control systems.  Their effectiveness is diminished if you start to ping pong between different locations.  Who's ultimately in charge of maintaining order becomes open to bureaucratic debate and law enforcement rival egos.

8.  Not only is it a mess for high profile politicians in a recognized swing state, it also pisses off some very wealthy individuals.  There's a guy worth about 4 billion that owns 1/2 of the Rams.  His name is real estate mogul Stan Kroenke and he owns a bunch of other sports teams --- (Denver Nuggets (basketball), Colorado Rapids (soccer) and Colorado Avalanche (hockey).

See!  You just superempowered yourself and made a multi-billionaire even more unhappy. 

Here's what is important.  It sets a precedent.  It puts him and other team owners on notice that their organizations could get drawn into future "ugly publicity" events, skirmishes and civil unrest.  There's even the possibility of looting or senseless automotive vandalism.  Think about it... what if a bunch of protesters go on a window smashing spree?  Who the hell is going to park their car in the nearest stadium lot?  What if there's the perception of possible violence.  Who would knowingly expose their children to this? 

9.  And in keeping with the spirit of the #8, three simple words.  BAD FOR BUSINESS.  Emotions are one thing, but if you hit 'em in the pocketbook, that's where it really hurts the most.  In that same vain, I would encourage people to make signs about police brutality and bring them INSIDE sporting venues.  If the stadiums and ballparks begin to crack down, they'll be opening themselves up to litigation.  Personally, I find an unarmed person being shot by the police 6 times more offensive than a sign that reads, "WE WANT JUSTICE."  Make that a hundred times more offensive.

10.  Some fans might start to feel actual guilt or remorse.  These people are out here protesting in the hot sun and then there's me... venturing from an air conditioned SUV into a climate controlled dome so I can drink overpriced beer and watch black people brutalize each other.  It sends a clear message --- this problem is everyone's problem, not just an isolated crisis in a poor, minority suburb.

BONUS:  After the Michael Brown shooting saga comes to a close and the media's interest dissolves, you can morph the reason for protesting into a different cause... oh, I dunno...  maybe artificially generated stampedes.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

ALS Ice Bucket Challenge? How about the AGS Panic Challenge?

These ALS Ice Bucket challenges are sweeping the nation.  I'd be willing to wager that only 15% of the participants know that ALS is an acronym for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis.  I'd bet that 50% of them probably know it as Lou Gehrig's disease.  And I'm pretty sure that 35% are just dumping buckets of ice water on their head so they can put their footage on facebook or youtube.

Here's an ice bucket challenge from a local Wheeling celebrity and his hound.  He nailed it w/ a Moonshine > Bud can > Bucket > Hulkamania.  I'll post the video if it becomes available.  Until then, this picture will have to suffice.

Next up... NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.  More polished and predictably less interesting.

There's another viral video sensation.  It's a little more "low brow," but it's even more mesmerizing.  Yep, that is correct.  The "fuck her right in the pussy" spontaneous diatribe - it's helping to bridge the gap between obnoxious bravado and mainstream idiocy.

If that suits your fancy, here's a more substantive compilation...

As usual, my mind tends to wander toward preventing human stampedes --- specifically, raising awareness regarding obsolete venue emergency evacuation protocol.  Newsflash: many football stadiums have between 50,000 - 100,000 active cell phones.  If someone had the nefarious intent, he/she could easily infiltrate enough of these miniature supercomputers and reek absolute havoc.  Ahhh yes, the unexplored downside of NFL commissioner's superconnectivity "living room" experience.

SO.  Here's my spin on the ALS "Ice Bucket" Challenge.  I call it the AGS "Panic" Challenge.  For those of you who've been living underneath a crick rock, AGS stands for Artificially Generated Stampede.

Here are the requirements.  You'll need 3 people and 2 cell phones.  All 3 individuals must be in a large, confined crowd (stadium, ballpark, motor speedway, amphitheater, etc.).  In my mind, this scenario unfolds at an NFL stadium, but any crowded venue will do just fine.  The first person will be filming the interaction between "panic victim" and "voice of reason person." 

Panic victim can be a male, but I think it works better if it's a girl.  We'll call her Brittany.  She'll be sitting in her seat, minding her own business, scrolling through her phone, completely oblivious to the action on the field.  Brittany's more concerned about the "real" world.  She's updating her status, telling people how she just bought a $10 draft beer, alerting her followers that she's the #1 Browns fan in the world, posting duckface selfie - you get the drift - we've seen it a gazillion times.  Any activity that complies with mindless self-absorption and ineffective narcissism.

She's staring into that phone like a guy at the DMV eying up a Marlboro Light as if it were a t-bone steak.  All of a sudden, Brittany gets an "emergency stadium evacuation order" from her cell.  It could be a phone call from her bestie.  It might be a message from a hacked reverse 9/11 platform.  Maybe it's the deliberate misuse of a campus text alert system or a twitter post from someone she trusts.  It could be any number of things... even a threat that rhymes with the name "Tom."

Predictably, Britanny begins to freak the fuck out.  She jumps to her feet spilling her cheesy fries and other miscellaneous transgendered fats.  She starts screaming her face off.  Shrieking her head off.  Peeling her mascara off.  I'm thinking something along these lines...

That's a slew of "god your my saviors."  For a second I thought I was at the Chrisagis Brothers Bull Riding Championship.  Brief tangent --- there really needs to be a movie called "The Passion of the Chrisagis."  Note to self: write a rough script.  Brittany could go for any number of "scared shitless" utterances.
  • We're all gonna die!
  • We've got to get the fuck outta here. NOW!
  • OMG!  There's a bomb filled with anthrax!
Alright, now it's up to "voice of reason" person.  We'll call him Toby.  Toby immediately springs into action.  His sole mission.  Get her to instantly calm down.  At any cost whatsoever.

He could be like, "What the fuck's the matter with you?  Legit evac orders don't come from cell phones.  They use the public address system.  Any idiot knows that.  Now shut the fuck up you Britanny brisket eating bitch!"     

Or he might grab his terrible towel and muffle her face, "Listen, you stupid piece of shit!  Yer gonna spook the crowd and set off a stampede.  What are trying to do?  Incite a riot and get us all killed?"  "No competent incident commander would ever issue an emergency evacuation via individual cell phones."

Maybe Toby could dump his beer on Brittany's head (a la ALS Ice Bucket challenge) or stuff a giant glob of cotton candy in her mouth.  Then, try to engage her in a rational conversation about the dangers of herding instincts and "line of sight" theory.

Any of these responses could work, preferably ones laced with profanity and a vicious, tactical berating.  Get creative.  Explore your outer comfort zone and don't listen to this bald fucko.

So that's my idea for the AGS "Panic" Challenge.  With football season underway, now is the time.  If any douchebag security tells you to stop filming, explain to them how you're committed to REAL matters of stadium safety, a realm far beyond tangible weaponry and clear plastic bags.  How you're stepping up to the plate and addressing an asymmetric national security issue.  It's one the NFL, NCAA, federal government and everyone else is too cowardly to delve into.

Most important, post your interpretive video and make it go viral.  Working together, we can prevent the stampedes before they commence.   Mass crush asphyxiation is not an acceptable outcome.  Or even worse, being physically ejected off the upper tier of the stadium rotunda.  Probably the more comfortable way to die, but still rather unsettling.

I give humanity the AGS "Panic" Challenge.  I'm sure someone out there will thank me.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Robin Williams suicide solution to the artificially generated stampede

I've explored countless ways to inform the general public about the prospect of artificially generated stampedes.  Simply put, it's the modern day equivalent of shouting "fire" in a crowded theater.  The notion that someone could saturate a football stadium or large entertainment venue with panic-inducing information or a phony evacuation order is so ridiculously generic, it boggles the mind that it hasn't been attempted in the United States (I say that because attempts have already occurred in India, and to a lesser extent, central Africa).

And still, nobody has the guts to broach the subject.  I can understand why the NFL and NCAA shy away from discussing it --- foreseeable litigation.  And the government --- plausible deniability and the unfathomably high risk/reward return ratio.

But seriously, isn't there someone out there with some common sense practicality who thinks beyond themselves?  Someone who'd be willing to look out for the greater good?  Someone not obsessed with the accumulation of wealth?  Someone who just wants to do the right thing?  Regardless of his depression or mental anxiety issues, Robin Williams struck me as that type of individual.

I referenced Bob Barker's "Help control the pet population.  Have your pets spayed or neutered" campaign in my latest book.   There was a moral justification for uttering those words at the end of every Price is Right episode.  He wasn't trying to profit.  He just didn't want to see kittens and puppies experience abandonment, suffering or needless starvation.  When nobody else was willing to speak on behalf of the cause, he took it to the next level.  He super-empowered himself beyond the status of legendary game show host.

I've considered all kinds of individuals that might be willing to broach the subject of the artificially generated stampedes.  Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV) from the political realm would be an ideal candidate.  From an artistic standpoint, Pearl Jam seems well suited.  From a conspiratorial perspective, former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura has a sizable social media following.  WWE President Vince McMahon from the world of sports entertainment could use it as a story line --- how he made a moral decision to protect the populace since the government was unwilling.  I even wrote a piece about Barack Obama stepping up to the plate.  All of this material is on the AGSAF website.

Suffice to say, even if they came across the information, I doubt any of them would be interested.  They'd likely run in the other direction, faster than if there were an actual stampede.  Acknowledging this issue takes a lot of innards (an abundance of guts, courage, temerity, impudence, effrontery, and so on).

There is one unorthodox solution to the stampedes that I'd never considered... until the past few days.  In the aftermath of the Robin Williams suicide, I couldn't help but notice the outpouring of sympathy and emotion on social media.  Everything, and I mean everything, seemed to take a backseat for a couple days.  It was as if time stood still. 

It was hard not to notice how there's always a great deal of interest in whether or not the person left a "suicide note."  Could be a sense of morbid curiosity or just the regular nib-nosiness of Americans, but people seem fascinated by the rationale and justification for killing oneself.  The stardom and juicy gossip angle fuels even greater speculation.   Was it financial?  Exposed affair?  Personal humiliation? etc.  If the suicide note had substantive content beyond the norm, it would immediately go viral.

So here's my plea to any high profile celeb who's pondering suicide as a "way out."  If by chance, you were to come into contact with this blog and have a strong hunch that you are going to prematurely end your life --- PLEASE consider leaving a suicide note that comprehensively outlines the dangers of obsolete emergency evacuation protocol for large, confined crowds.  Feel free to reference my site.  The reverberations of such a suicide note would be heard from Los Angeles to New York City and every municipality in between.  And as ridiculous as this may sound, I'd gladly take the heat and collective venom from those who thought I personally contributed to your demise.

Suicide is widely regarded as the ultimate selfish act.  Not sure where I stand on that one, but if you wish to mitigate the exposure to your "tarnished legacy" or "sullied reputation"... well... it's just something to think about.  Hey, why not solve a future, hypothetical asymmetric national security issue?  You may have taken your own life, but were always concerned with the welfare of others.  Call me crazy, but I think that would be one helluva statement.  In hindsight, Robin Williams could have been the perfect "stampede messiah."

Tuesday, August 05, 2014

The Daniel Snyder "Redskins" Solution

Over the past couple months, I've thought a great deal about the Daniel Snyder's Washington Redskins name change dilemma.  Admittedly, from his perspective --- this is a TOUGH one.

Here's what we know.  Snyder is obstinate.  He won't change the name.  The deceased body of Charlton Heston is more likely to relinquish the grip of a gun from his cold dead hands.  Snyder's probably of the mindset that if he caves, his "adoring" fans would never forgive him.  He'd come to be viewed as the next big traitor of the NFL (a la Art Modell).  As most people with a billion net worth, he's likely grown so accustomed to people kissing his ass that he has a ridiculously inflated view of his position in the world.  I seriously doubt most Redskins fans give a damn about his existence (beyond the media exposure, major personnel decisions and win/loss record).  Nonetheless, his reputation is worth more than say some old lady stocking up on dollar store circus peanuts.
Personally, I can see where he's coming from.  The Redskins moniker is steeped in tradition.  Monetarily speaking, you just don't want to tinker with the name.  That's a recipe for marketing gruel.  Hell, the name could be worth hundreds of millions.  The Redskins currently rank #3 on the NFL franchise net worth list.  #1 is the Cowboys and #2 are the Patriots.  Stillers come in at #14.  I would have placed the Skins in the top 10, but I didn't know they were third.  That stadium's an uninspired, cavernous dump.  I say move 'em back to RFK.  Great Dead show 2nd set in 1991 (Help > Slip > Franklin's > Estimated > Dark Star > Drumz > Stella > Lovelight.  * Baby Blue).  And no... I didn't look up the set list.

One of the more interesting suggestions I've heard is to change the logo to a potato.  Not a joke.  In the short term, you're made a mockery of.  Not ideal for his ego, but it's not the worst idea I've ever heard.  Maybe sculpt the redskin potato to look a tad menacing.  Perhaps shift the stadium naming rights from FedEx to McDonald's.  Hey, who the fuck doesn't like McDonald's fries?  Maybe have free large fry game day giveaways.  The downside --- you'd be nicknamed the spuds.  And if your season is a dud?   Well, let's just say that Chris Berman and every mindless broadcaster would have a field day with that brand of unforgiving alliteration.

Don't totally dismiss this angle.  The kids at Scottsdale Community College were given the opportunity to choose the name for their intramural athletic mascot.  Purely as a joke, someone threw "The Fighting Artichokes" into the mix.  Guess what?  The students voted and it won. 


Not only did it win, but it became a big success.  Their garb is a big seller on the internet.  Hey, it's a comical novelty.  Great gag gift for someone who is obsessed with college sports.  My mother often fed us artichokes.  I might hit Jebbia's today and snag one.  Freshly squeezed lemon, melted butter and a pinch of salt.

I'm sure there's a Rockville, MD art student with holes in his ear lobes the size of frisbees.  Maybe he could design the new potato helmet logo.  Perhaps start a subliminal "End the Famine" campaign --- a tasteless reference to their Superbowl drought.  The last time they won the big one was the 1991 season.  Things could be worse I suppose.  You could be a Cowboys fan.

Of course, the other choice would be the Washington Hogs (referring to their offensive linemen of the late 80's).  Not much appeal to the women-folk or general health and fitness craze.  But it is a great slap in the face to the DC pork-bellied politicians.  As a non-kosher, bacon loving, non-visiting West Banking individual, I could get behind this. 

The absolute worst thing you could do is choose an Indian fallback name (Washington Warriors).  You either go big or go home.  Although I do like the idea of the DC Scalpers.  Most people don't know this but my Indian nickname is "Scalping Jew."  I was bestowed this honorable title by Merl out the CRRC (Crick Ranch Recreational Compound).  With the impending return of Ken D. from Australia coinciding with the resurgence of legendary folk band Clan Boone, I might dust off my other nickname as well (band manager Reuben Boone).  Upon reflection, I'll just stick with Scalping Jew.  Two reasons --- historical accuracy and an utter disdain for Thousand Island dressing.  Anybody who's anybody knows that when I order a reuben it comes WITHOUT a drenching of regurgitated liquid vomit.  I prefer a side of hot mustard or Frank's Red Hot.

Back to the Daniel Snyder quandary.  As I've maintained, he seems beholden to the Redskins name and the logo.  So the obvious suggestion is to create a distraction (the Palin debate strategy --- MEMORIZE, DEFLECT and PIVOT).  However, this usually involves spurious accusations or conjuring up something negative.  And it's doubtful that Snyder would wish to speak ill of the NFL or cast aspersions upon his fellow owners.  That dog won't hunt, especially with the good 'ol boys club.

Speaking of "good," this whole thing's a nightmare for commissioner Goodell as well.  His only option is to cowardly inform the public how the entire Redskins matter falls outside the scope of his authority.  It's not "within his jurisdiction."  What bold leadership!  How brave.  If Sacajawea were still alive, she would have sucked his authentically circumcised/merchandised dick.  Goodell is good.  Good at punishing people for smoking a doobie.  Jerk.

So conventional wisdom says, how about engaging in philanthropic behavior?  Surely an act of fiscal benevolence will make everyone forget about this whole mess.  Where did this lead Dan Snyder's publicist and his ego management bozos?  Well perhaps in most imbecilic direction you can fathom.

I've got it!  Let's randomly pick some native American Indian tribe and build them a "skate park."  This endearing roller derby-like commitment will never be forgotten.  The reservations will shower us with affection.  Smart thinking!  Because whenever I hear racist terminology, I immediately think of the obvious remedy.  Let's build a skate park for their weirdo faction youth gone wild.  You know --- the ones with the pierced noses, neck tattoos and gaping ear lobe holes.  Let's bury the hatchet.  We smoke 'em peace pipe.

Even more absurd, it was for the Quechan (Kwatsan) tribe based in Yuma, Arizona.  East Coast >>> West coast, bitches!  How ludicrous would it have been if he unearthed some unknown tribe from the DC beltway.  Maybe the Alexandria Apaches or the Chevy Chase Choppers.  I dunno, McLean Mohicans.  That's a pretty ritzy suburb.  Call me crazy, but why do I think Snyder resides in McLean?  Just call it a hunch.

Needless to say, the Kwatsan tribe rejected Snyder's most generous offer.  He should have built them an on sight methadone and alcohol rehabilitation clinic.  Betty Ford, eat your heart out.

Obviously (and fortunately), I don't live in the head of Dan Snyder.  I can't read his thoughts.  But common sense tells me he won't change the name.  However, that is HIS choice.  He owns the team.  He's likely disinterested in Native American sensibilities, so it would be very unwise for him to suddenly feign concern.  Unless he has an exceptional public relations team, he'd probably come off looking like a pompous, out-of-touch phony.  

Considering his stature, Snyder probably thinks he can defy the current wave of political correctness.  Newsflash: the pc onslaught is here to stay.  It will ebb and flow, but it's never going to magically dissipate.  Do I think that someday the name will change?  Yep.  But while he owns the team.  Nope.  He probably thinks it will irreparably tarnish his "legacy."  And what a proud legacy it is.  I have a gazillion dollars so I bought something.  Impressive.

So Saf, enough blathering.  What's your solution to the Dan Snyder Redskins mess?

As you might have guessed, it involves the stampedes.  But hear me out.  LISTEN!

Snyder needs to fight back.  But it's imperative that he substantially alter the conversation.  PIVOT!

Normally, I'm anti-Friends humor... but that was pretty funny.

Alright, here's what we know.  Snyder is in a uniquely powerful position.  He owns a team that represents the nation's capitol.  And he can do whatever the fuck he wants in "his" stadium.  That means he can legally start telling people that "if they're in a large, confined crowd and receive an emergency evacuation order and/or panic inducing information from their cell phone, it's almost certainly a hoax designed to create an artificially generated stampede."  He can spill the beans.  Be the first one to tell people the most basic, common sense, public safety information that the U.S. government and the NFL are unwilling to acknowledge.  LEGITIMATE evac orders come from the public address system in tandem w/ the jumbotron.  There you go.  How hard is that?  More difficult than you'd think.

But he can take this superior moral position.  And the other teams would be forced to follow.  This instantly places him ABOVE every NFL owner.  He'd be in a category unto himself.  Even better, this makes Snyder an agent of CHANGE.  He could be the Bob Barker "have your pets spayed or neutered" representative for the artificially generated stampede.  He can write this information on his tickets, put it in the programs, have people recite it outside the venue and run PSA announcements on the jumbotron.  There's nothing anyone could do to stop him.

Why is this so brilliant?  Because if any self-righteous politician (Hillary, Obama, etc.) starts to weigh in and tell him that he should change the name, they know they might come face-to-face with the undiscussable stampede issue (which is a lose-lose proposition from a political perspective unless you were totally committed and the original source for exposing this civil rights issue).  High profile politicians wouldn't dare even mention the name "Snyder" or "Redskins" because they'd fear potential discussion of the unresolved stampede issue.  The plausible deniability aspect is a death sentence.  Just ask our very own U.S. Senator Joe Manchin.  He screwed up even worse --- he put it in writing (not once, but twice).  If you decide to acknowledge the issue, you go "all in."  Once again, go big or go home.

Plus, as an NFL owner, one could argue that Snyder has the ethical responsibility to bring the problem to the forefront.  This buys him the TIME he desires and would easily overshadow the accusations of racism.  That's a tall order in this day and age.  More important, it ALTERS the narrative.  Snyder shifts from alleged bigot to enlightened humanitarian.  From promoter of resentment, to forward thinking agent of change.  Not the hopey-changey kind either.  This is the big leagues.  We're talkin' generational warfare.  Yep, bigger than the NFL!  He probably didn't know that was possible.  Of course, him and the Jerry Jones-ilk view "size" strictly in terms of seating capacity.  Shallow minds, limited vision.  They only see the dollar $igns.

Breaking news:  I just saw that Snyder has started a foundation to address the real-world needs of about 40 different Indian tribes.  Apparently, he was "moved" by the fact that we slaughtered them in droves.  That's a helluva learning curve there Danny Boy!  Way to go.

Money can always buy you time.  But it's not always the solution.

A message to Snyder and his minions --- if by chance, any of you read this, gimme a ring and we'll figure out the specifics.  My consulting cost is cheap.   A one time fee of 3.6 million bucks.  Why 3.6?  I have no idea.  It's the first number that popped into my head as I write this.  Considering the magnitude of the dilemma, that's peanuts.  Or you can greedily steal my methodology and apply it haphazardly.  But you probably won't get it right.  It's too high stakes.  Either way, let's do this.  I'll be calling your director of security and stadium operations in the next week or so.  I'll try to address the real issue of obsolete stadium emergency evacuation protocol.  Not the relatively benign issue of political posturing and hurt feelings.