Monday, May 31, 2021

#430. Michael Flynn

Over Memorial Day weekend, disgraced former General Michael Flynn showed up at a Q-Anon conference in Dallas, Texas.  

Several months ago, Flynn flashes a coy grin after receiving a presidential pardon from the Orange Prolapse.

Flynn was asked during a Q&A session:  “I want to know why what happened in Myanmar can’t happen here?” (referring to a military coup)

After cheers from the crowd died down, Flynn responded:  “No reason.  I mean, it should happen here.”



General Flynn
sonofsaf

“General Flynn thinks that Q-Anon’s real,
cause he hates democracy and Trump’s the real deal.  
Michael Flynn’s a traitor, it’s the Q-Anon steal.”

“Election was stolen,
and all that jive,
everything’s a show,
you’ll never realize.”


Tato Skins
Keebler

“Tato skins got baked potato appeal,
cause they’re made with potatoes and skins that are real.
Tato skins from Keebler, baked potato appeal!”

“Cheddar cheese and bacon,
sour cream and chives,
tasty baked potatoes
you won’t believe your eyes.”


As far as the salty snack chip category goes, I've never cared much for Tato Skins.  Much like those "house made chips" served at various diners in lieu of french fries, they're just a little too burnt for my tastes.  I recommend Clancy's brand from Aldi.  They're slightly superior to Lays if you can believe it.  And of course the indomitably synthetic Munchos... a sodium chloride bonanza striaght outta Casa Grande, Arizona.

Please do not share this information with General Michael Flynn, former President Donald J. Trump, and/or Keebler Elves.


#428. Mike Pence Is Not a Top Banana

These two cunt-servative Midwest clowns invoke very specific imagery.

(Lesser known Congressman Greg Pence (R-IN) is on the left.  They rarely take pictures together because they don't wish to be perceived as a political dynasty.  Yeah, right!  Good luck now assholes.)

Anyhoo, here's what cums to mind...

A.  A Sunday morning "going out of business, early bird white sale" at JC Penney.  Sheets, pillow cases, various Klan accessories.

B.  The biggest sycophantic stooge in the history of American politics.  I'm talkin' the former Veep.  Nobody knows or remotely cares about his brotherly fuck.

C.  Some kind of born-again hot dog weenie roast featuring the Chrisagis Brothers of Tiltonsville, OH.

D.  Fuck option D.  What the fuck is this?!?  Where the hell are these two honkies from?  Philly???  The city of brotherly love?  Uh, no.  Columbus... Indiana.

Seriously, the Orange Prolapse releases an artificially generated stampede on his very own Vice President.  Replete with an all-out bloodthirsty riot, "Hang Mike Pence" chants, the works.   Then, months later, loving brother Gregory votes against a bilateral 1-6 commission/investigation.  In essence, saying to fellow brother Mike, you're not even worthy of an incestuous relationship.  Talk about literally hanging your brother out to sexually dry.  That's how seriously fucked up this shit is.  

And THAT, in a nutshell... is the Republican party in the year of 2021.  And beyond.  Well, at least until you can maneuver a forcible retraction of the Orange Prolapse.  But trust me, it's gonna be hangin' out for a long time.

Dedicated to Helio Castroneves.  Great 4th Indy 500 win today.  

In the wake of the recent Republican Senate Minority "Dred Scott" vote to nix the 1-6 bipartisan commission, your vibrant celebration was just what our country needed.  Especially straight outta the heartland of central Indiana.  Kudos!

I doubt any Republican Senators watched it.  Although I'm sure they'd tweet about it if it served their purpose.  Too bad the winner wasn't a guy named Ricky Bobby McBooger.



Mike Pence Is Not A Top Banana
sonofsaf

Mike Pence is not a top banana
But the ultimate honky
The Vice President’s skin is god damn white
Through sycophancy for thee
The Orange Prolapse was filled with nonsense
His White House no longer home
When I cream at the prospect of being white trash
Then my best friends will hang me by the throat

Mike Pence is not a top banana
But the ultimate honky
The Vice President’s skin is god damn white
Through sycophancy for thee
The Orange Prolapse was filled with nonsense
His White House no longer home
When I cream at the prospect of being white trash
Then my best friends will hang me by the throat


Back Home Again in Indiana
Straight No Chaser

Back home again in Indiana
And it seems that I can see
The gleaming candlelight still shining bright
Through the sycamores for me
The new mown hay sends all its fragrance
From the fields I used to roam
When I dream about the moonlight on the Wabash
Then I long for my Indiana home

Back home again in Indiana
And it seems that I can see
The gleaming candlelight still shining bright
Through the sycamores for me
The new mown hay sends all its fragrance
From the fields I used to roam
When I dream about the moonlight on the Wabash
Then I long for my Indiana home



Mason and I saw the Rolling Stones at the Indy Motor Speedway (July 4th weekend of 2015).  Fun concert.  Weak tailgating.  Free tickets.  In fact, I think we made an $160 extra or so.  Never been to a race there.  In fact,  I have never been to an IRL event.  Perhaps someday.

Please do not share this material with Congressman Greg Pence (R-IN), former Vice President Mike Pence (R-IN), former President Donald J. Trump, and/or any Indy Racing League fans.



#429. Wish You Were Queer

Next weekend is Pittsburgh gay pride (June 4-6, 2021).  It'll be the first major "post-Covid" outdoor downtown parade. 


So here's to the Pittsburgh LGBT... and yes, Q, population.  Take it for what you will.



 

Wish You Were Queer
sonofsaf

So, so can you fuck an ass well
Anal is swell
Wet cunt refrain
A tossed salad’s a meal
Some say the big fail
Unless it has kale
Do you think you can smell

Have you ever been laid
A soiree needs hosts
Get down on your knees
Hot air from your ass please
A dildo in range
Too late to change
All heteros I abhor
I need a fifty shades of gay

Smells like fish, smells like fish steer clear dear
We eat perch not sole
Smokin’ pot out of bowls
Beer after beer
Rummaging through the lost and found
Meat by the pound
A few more beers
Wish you were queer


Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell?
Blue skies from pain?
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war
For a leading role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here




Pink Floyd:

5-29-94, Ohio Stadium, Columbus, OH
5-31-94, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA

Roger Waters:

Roger Waters, 7-3-12, Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA
Roger Waters, 9-19-17, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

Australian Pink Floyd:

12-5-07, Benedum Center, Pittsburgh, PA  (Thanks B.  Good time.)

Brit Floyd:

8-28-15, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA
4-12-17, Benedum Center, Pittsburgh, PA

Please do not share this material with any homo.


Sunday, May 30, 2021

#427. Bad Playstation

As a little kid, I played Pong, Atari and some crap space landing simulation on a Commodore Vic 20.  And as a teenager, I used to play the arcade games.  All the classics.  Pac Man, Donkey Kong, Joust.  And my favorites --- Asteroids, Frogger, Birdie King.  So glad I grew out of that phase and replaced it with a more "manly" selection of arcade games.  That being foosball and dome hockey.

I don't have much sympathy for the video gaming lifestyle.  Seriously, get a fucking life and go outdoors.  Even maybe head to Bed Bath & Beyond and buy a loofah or something.  Smoke a cigarette.  Get tortured and killed by a cop.  Anything.




Just don't sit there in a recliner pressing buttons.  Wow, you made it to level 17 and nearly acquired the platinum goblet... armed with only a super soaker and a tree branch.  Wow, you totally obliterated some 14 year old Mormon kid named Gavin in Provo, Utah... and then trash talked him to the point of tears.  Yeah, the whole video gaming industry just doesn't do it for me.



Bad PlayStation
sonofsaf

I-I hate the cultural lack of care
And the way it interferes with Christian prayer
You can’t get with the pretty girls
Masturbate and shoot your semen anywhere

I'm playin’ the bad PlayStation
It’s lowering expectations (Oom bop bop)
I'm playin’ the bad PlayStation (oom bop bop, bad PlayStation)
It’s lowering expectations (oom bop, bop expectations)
Bad, bad, bad, baaad PlayStation (oom bop, bop)
It’s lowering expectations (oom bop, bop expectations)
Bad, bad, bad, baaad PlayStation (oom bop, bop)
It’s lowering expectations (ooh bop, bop, expectations)

Humanize, go outside anyhow
All the while, you’re losing your own mind
When a part of you dies
You don’t see it in your gaming world

I'm playin’ the bad PlayStation
It’s lowering expectations (Oom bop bop)
I'm playin’ the bad PlayStation (oom bop bop, bad PlayStation)
It’s lowering expectations (oom bop, bop expectations)
Bad, bad, bad, baaad PlayStation (oom bop, bop)
It’s lowering expectations (oom bop, bop expectations)
Bad, bad, bad, baaad PlayStation (oom bop, bop)
It’s lowering expectations (ooh bop, bop, expectations)

(Butt)
(Butt, more more, a sensation)
And I don’t care but it’s truth or dare
(Butt more, more, the information)
(Butt more, more, the sensation)
(Butt, more, more, fuck)

Gotta play that hatin’ bad PlayStation
Gotta play that hatin’ bad PlayStation the fattening’s impure
Gotta play that hatin’ bad PlayStation the fattening’s

(Ahh)

Bad, bad, bad, baaad PlayStation (Oom bop, bop)
(I'm playin’ the bad PlayStation) (Oom bop bop)
It’s lowering expectations (Expectations, oom bop bop)
Bad, bad, bad, baaad PlayStation

Na na na na na, na na na
Na na na na na, na na na (Bop bop-bop-bop-bop, bop)
Do do do do do, do do do (Bop bop-bop-bop-bop, bop)
Do do do do do, do do do (Bop bop-bop-bop-bop, bop)


Good Vibrations
The Beach Boys

I-I love the colorful clothes she wears
And the way the sunlight plays upon her hair
I hear the sound of a gentle word
On the wind that lifts her perfume through the air

I'm pickin' up good vibrations
She's giving me excitations (Oom bop bop)
I'm pickin' up good vibrations (Good vibrations, oom bop bop)
She's giving me excitations (Excitations, oom bop bop)
Good, good, good, good vibrations (Oom bop bop)
She's giving me excitations (Excitations, oom bop bop)
Good, good, good, good vibrations (Oom bop bop)
She's giving me excitations (Excitations)

Close my eyes, she's somehow closer now
Softly smile, I know she must be kind
When I look in her eyes
She goes with me to a blossom world

I'm pickin' up good vibrations
She's giving me excitations (Oom bop bop)
I'm pickin' up good vibrations (Good vibrations, oom bop bop)
She's giving me excitations (Excitations, oom bop bop)
Good, good, good, good vibrations (Oom bop bop)
She's giving me excitations (Excitations, oom bop bop)
Good, good, good, good vibrations (Oom bop bop)
She's giving me excitations (Excitations)

(Ahh)
(Ah, my my, what elation)
I don't know where but she sends me there
(Oh, my my, what a sensation)
(Oh, my my, what elation)
(Oh, my my, what)

Gotta keep those lovin' good vibrations a-happenin' with her
Gotta keep those lovin' good vibrations a-happenin' with her
Gotta keep those lovin' good vibrations a-happenin'

(Ahh)

Good, good, good, good vibrations (Oom bop bop)
(I'm pickin' up good vibrations) (Oom bop bop)
She's giving me excitations (Excitations, oom bop bop)
Good, good, good, good vibrations

Na na na na na, na na na
Na na na na na, na na na (Bop bop-bop-bop-bop, bop)
Do do do do do, do do do (Bop bop-bop-bop-bop, bop)
Do do do do do, do do do (Bop bop-bop-bop-bop, bop)





The Beach Boys were inducted into the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame in 1988.

In terms of national recording artists, The Beach Boys have played Pittsburgh more often than any band I know of.  49 times.  Whew!  I think I saw them open for Chicago at Star Lake one time back in the late 90's.  But I may have been on acid and it was probably some kind of cabana wearing Jimmy Buffett crowd along with a Sha Na Na cover band in the parking lot.  Please forgive the confusion. 

Do not share this material with anyone who plays video games.


#426. Greg Lost His Mojo

Republican Texas Governor Greg Abbott just signed some of the most restrictive voter legistration into law.  The question is why.  Here's your answer.  In 1984, an oak tree fell on Greg Abbott.  He has used a wheelchair ever since.  Now, in a desperate attempt to overcome the crippling decades of emasculation, he sucks up to the likes of the Donald Trump and the rag-tag domestic terrorist/insurrectionist/buffoonish base of the Republican party.  Say what you will, but this is exactly how Greg derives his mojo.

 

Feckless Texan gubernatorial bitch pays homage to the Orange Prolapse
 



Greg Lost His Mojo
sonofsaf

Greg lost his mojo
Greg lost his mojo
Greg lost his mojo
Greg lost his mojo

A tree fell on his back
We won’t cut him any flack
Voter suppression’s whack
That Greg did lack the mojo cack blow

Greg lost his mojo
Greg lost his mojo
Greg lost his mojo
Greg lost his mojo

The dream, of the right, let's fuck Greg Abbott alright!
The dream, of the right, let's fuck Greg Abbott alright!

Greg lost, gonna cry, has no mojo, Texas crime


Egg Raid On Mojo
Beastie Boys

Egg raid on Mojo
Egg raid on Mojo
Egg raid on Mojo
Egg raid on Mojo

We dressed all in black
We snuck up around the back
We began to attack
The eggs did crack on Mojo's back go

Egg raid on Mojo
Egg raid on Mojo
Egg raid on Mojo
Egg raid on Mojo

Don't scream, gonna fight, let's have an egg raid tonight
Don't scream, gonna fight, let's have an egg raid tonight

Egg raid, gonna' die, beat up Mojo, all the time

 


Beastie Boys:

8-14-98, CSU Convocation Center, Cleveland, OH

Only saw the Beastie Boys once.  Definitely one of my Top 10 shows.  The energy level on the stage, and and in the crowd, was off the hook.  Interesting tidbit --- If you take a look at the 1998 "Hello Nasty" setlists, they're all over the place.  Kudos to the Beasties for bringing a pseudo Grateful Dead-like approach to a world class arena tour.  

Please do not share this material with Governor Greg Abbott (R-TX) and/or former President Donald J. Trump.


#425. You're Not Immune

This one goes out to all you Covid deniers.



Mask shamers.  Asian haters (but General Tso lovers).  Fox News junkies.  Tucker Carlson enthusiasts.  Orange Prolapse fanatics.  Marjorie Taylor Greene donors.  Matt Gaetz slicksters.  And so on and so forth.

However, I will concede... I do think society will one day look back on the "outdoor mask wearing phenomenon," particularly while exercising (walking, jogging, riding a bike, etc.), as a trend that bordered on absolute lunacy.  Followed closely by that bizarre, universal restaurant policy which took hold.  You must wear a mask to enter but may remove it the second you've been seated.  You know, because at some point, it becomes necessary to put the food and/or beverage into your mouth.

The strangest of them all though is probably the solo masked up drivers cruising down the interstate with their windows down.  Then again, those could be Uber/Lyft drivers and it's a condition of employment.



 

You’re Not Immune
sonofsaf

Covid is violence
China doesn’t give a shite
Fauci is toiling
He was burned by the far right
The breathless sound from respirator
Do not guffaw or you’ll succumb

You’re not immune

Lungs lined with cement
Oxygen is what you crave
Trump’s not in prison
What the fucks that really say
Spoke to a priest but his ass was sore
Do not guffaw or you’ll succumb

You’re not immune
Hey, yeah
You’re not immune

You need to hit the gym
You’re fat and lame
And the Orange Prolapse was a con (con)
In Stormy Daniels hell - it’s not as fun
His dick was short it wasn’t long
Not long

Oh yeah, baby

Why would you oppose
Losing sense of taste and smell
Deadly sins seven
Time to say your last farewell

Spoke to a priest but his ass was sore
Do not guffaw or you’ll succumb
You’re not immune.
Hey, yeah
You’re not immune
Hey, yeah
You’re not immune
Whoa Whoa Yeah,
You’r not immune
(Howls)


Bark At The Moon
Ozzy Osbourne

Screams break the silence / Covid is violence
Waking from the dead of night
Vengence is boiling
He's returned to kill the light
Then when he's found who he's looking for
Listen in awe and you'll hear him

Bark at the moon

Years spent in torment
Buried in a nameless grave
Now he has risen
Miracles would have to save
Those that the beast is looking for
Listen in awe and you'll hear him

Bark at the moon
Hey, yeah
Bark at the moon

They cursed and buried him
Along with shame
And thought his timeless soul had gone (gone)
In empty burning hell - unholy one
But he's returned to prove them wrong
So wrong

Oh yeah, baby

Howling in shadows
Living in a lunar spell
He finds his heaven
Spewing from the mouth of hell

Those that the beast is looking for
Listen in awe and you'll hear him
Bark at the moon.
Hey, yeah
Bark at the moon
Hey, yeah
Bark at the moon
Whoa Whoa Yeah,
Bark at the moon
(Howls)



Favorite Ozzy studio album?  Gotta go with Bark At The Moon.  Hand down.  Just too many classics with zero filler.  Ultimate Sin is #2.  Mankind should pay tribute to mid-80's Ozzy.  Speaking of Tribute, that one would likely round out my top 3.  Although whoever was responsible for mixing that live recording did a pretty shitty job.  Just sounds way too low and muddy.  What a shame.

Please do not share this material with those impacted by the China virus.


Saturday, May 29, 2021

#424. You'll Take A Shit Today

I usually make a concerted effort to avoid parodying the same song.  However, after a mentally exhausting 4 years of the Orange Prolapse (This Was A Song of Hate), I've decided to make an exception.  In fact I might shoot for a Lee Greenwood "special edition limited series"... grounded in everything offensive.


This time it's about proctology.  Next up I'm thinking pornography (I'll Fuck Your Ass Today).



You’ll Take A Shit Today
sonofsaf

If tomorrow your butthole felt wrong,
And you couldn’t tell your wife.
Butt your colon I’ll defend,
Through all the agony and strife.

I saw the color orange,
Prolapse cumming out to play.
And the murky glaze of semen,
Anal cream pie all the way.

And I'm proud to be a proctologist,
Stool softener should be free.
And I won't neglect an ass unwiped,
Regardless he or she.
And you’ll get a push pop,
Up your ass and we’ll pretend it’s a-okay.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I’ll make you crap,
You’ll take a shit today.

Asshole I’d like to know ya,
Oh the balls for you and me.
Prefer my asses chapless,
For everyone to see.

So everybody’s got one,
They’re gaping so they say.
When your partner wants to rip it all apart,
Doesn’t matter if you’re gay.

And I'm proud to be a proctologist,
Stool softener should be free.
And I won't neglect an ass unwiped,
Regardless he or she.
And you’ll get a push pop,
Up your ass and we’ll pretend it’s a-okay.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I’ll make you crap,
You’ll take a shit today.

And I'm proud to be a proctologist,
Stool softener should be free.
And I won't neglect an ass unwiped,
Regardless he or she.
And you’ll get a push pop,
Up your ass and we’ll pretend it’s a-okay.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I’ll make you crap,
You’ll take a shit today.


God Bless The U.S.A.
Lee Greenwood

If tomorrow all my things were gone,
I'd worked for all my life.
And I had to start again,
With just my children and my wife.

I'd thank my lucky stars,
To be livin' here today.
'Cause the flag still stands for freedom,
And they can't take that away.

And I'm proud to be an American,
Where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died,
Who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up,
Next to you and defend her still today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

From the lakes of Minnesota,
To the hills of Tennessee.
Across the plains of Texas,
From sea to shining sea.

From Detroit down to Houston,
And New York to L.A.
Well there's pride in every American heart,
And its time we stand and say.

That I'm proud to be an American,
Where at least I know I'm free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
Who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up,
Next to you and defend her still today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

And I'm proud to be an American,
Where at least I know I'm free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
Who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up,
Next to you and defend her still today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.



I actually met Lee Greenwood awhile ago (guessing 2005 or 2006).  He was performing at the Super Hole of Cunt Tree Music.  Yep.  Jamboree in the Hills over in Morristown, Ohio.  I was milling around backstage doing the limo gig.  Just for the record, he was actually very humble.  Pleasant and engaging.

However, if I had known that an Orange Prolapse would come along and endlessly exploit his patriotic dribble to the detriment of America, I most certainly would've said something.  Future hindsight's 20/20 I suppose.

Please do not share this material with Lee Greenwood and/or proctologists.


#423. Immigrant Song

If you plan on navigating the treacherous U.S. Southern border, may I suggest singing this inspirational parody of the same name.

 


Immigrant Song
sonofsaf

Ah-ah, ah!
Ah-ah, ah!

We come from a land known as Mexico
Soccer’s so much fun but your football blows
We do not seek applause
We just need a helping hand
Don’t cut the cord’n, let us die
Border wall, we are running

Oh we sleep with Stormy whores
There can be no way to make you adore

Ah-ah, ah!
Ah-ah, ah!

We come from a land known as Mexico
Soccer’s so much fun but your football blows
The Orange Prolapse so mean
His colon so much more
The inflamed reddish hue is sore
I know this sounds untoward

Oh we sleep with Stormy whores
There can be no way to make you adore

So icing all the cops and Boston all the Bruins
America’s not great they say despite the Orange Prolapse choosing

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Ahh, ah
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh


Immigrant Song
Led Zeppelin

Ah-ah, ah!
Ah-ah, ah!

We come from the land of the ice and snow
From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow
The hammer of the gods
Will drive our ships to new lands
To fight the horde, sing and cry
Valhalla, I am coming

On we sweep with threshing oar
Our only goal will be the western shore

Ah-ah, ah!
Ah-ah, ah!

We come from the land of the ice and snow
From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow
How soft your fields so green
Can whisper tales of gore
Of how we calmed the tides of war
We are your overlords

On we sweep with threshing oar
Our only goal will be the western shore

So now you'd better stop and rebuild all your ruins
For peace and trust can win the day despite of all your losing

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Ahh, ah
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh


 

Zeppelin-oriented concerts:

3-25-95, Jimmy Page & Robert Plant, Civic Arena, Pittsburgh, PA
6-28-00, Jimmy Page w/ The Black Crowes, Post-Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA

Please do not share this material with immigrants.

 

#422. Mitch

So now Senator Mitch McConnell has devolved into a Spineless McWorm?   I'd like to see the Daily News continue in this direction.  Take it to another level though.  I'm thinking more broadly in terms of "white slime."  I actually touched on this angle with a McDonald's pink slime parody back in early February.



I'd also settle for "Chinless Bitch" or a rambling intro at the mic... "It's Mitch from straight outta Kentucky... let's all give it up for Bitch McFucky"

 


Mitch
sonofsaf

Frames are so wired, minority shit
Just plays the long game deep
He rarely gets fucked, ass hole impacted
He is a real big geek

Who woulda thunk, he’s from Kentucky
Committed to the far right
Senator honky, food without season
Mumble and act so shy

Yeah McConnell’s to blame
He can relate like a kosher hog
Yeah there can be no doubt
His ass is farting louder and he’s shitting scum, alright

Yeah, you gotta lick it, wild, you suck my dick
We’ll spill some blood, he’s the Mitch
Yeah, you gotta lick it, wild, you suck my dick
We’ll spill some blood, he’s the Mitch, alright

Actin’, T-Rexy, more like a dud
In the toilet stall all night
Playin’, runnin’ D.C., can’t get a hard on
When will he see the light, alright

Yeah McConnell’s to blame
He can relate like a kosher hog
Yeah there can be no doubt
His ass is farting louder and he’s shitting scum, alright

I want it, woo
I said, hey, yeah, get alright now, get it
Got to be
Hey, I'll get alright now, get it
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, yeah
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, yeah
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, yeah
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, yeah, get on
Hey, hey, hey


Bitch
Rolling Stones

Feeling so tired, can't understand it
Just had a fortnight's sleep
I'm feeling so stuffed, I'm so distracted
Ain't touched a thing all week

I'm feeling drunk, juiced up and sloppy
Ain't touched a drink all night
I'm feeling hungry, can't see the reason
Just had a horse meat pie

Yeah when you call my name
I salivate like a Pavlov dog
Yeah when you lay me out
My heart is beating louder than a big bass drum, alright

Yeah, you got to mix it, child, you got to fix
It must be love, it's a bitch
Yeah, you got to mix it, child, you got to fix
It must be love, it's a bitch, alright

Sometimes, I'm sexy, move like a stud
Like kicking the stall all night
Sometimes, I'm so shy, got to be worked on
Don't have no bark or bite, alright

Yeah, when you call my name
I salivate like a Pavlov dog
Yeah, when you lay me out
My heart is bumping louder than a big bass drum, alright

I want it, woo
I said, hey, yeah, get alright now, get it
Got to be
Hey, I'll get alright now, get it
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, yeah
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, yeah
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, yeah
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, yeah, get on
Hey, hey, hey 



Our 2020 summer Stones concert at Heinz Field was indefinitely postponed.  Part of the Covid cancel culture.  Pretty sure the Rolling Stones are done.  I just can't envision them shredding the stage in 2022.  Then again, you never know.

Rolling Stones:

9-29-94, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA

9-28-05, PNC Park, Pittsburgh, PA

6-20-15, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA

7-4-15, Indianapolis Motor Speedway, Indianapolis, IN

Please do not share this information with U.S. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY).


#421. Wawa Ain't Sheetz

As you can see, the Pennsylvania line of demarcation for Sheetz and Wawa is just west of Harrisburg along the Lancaster > Reading > Allentown corridor.  For this reason, if our state was to ever engage in a future civil war, I imagine the flashpoint will originate along Rt. 222.  Think in terms of the neighboring hillbilly Hatfields and redneck McCoys.  But with way more guns.

Red dots are Sheetz.  Yellow dots are Wawa.

I'm only theorizing here.  Mostly because the stark red/blue political divide will be on full display during the upcoming 2022 U.S. Senate race.  Pencil-Tucky is the only state rated as a "clear tossup."  

We'll be voting for Lt. Governor John Fetterman (D) in the primary.  


If you run into Fetterman on the campaign trail, feel free to serenade him with this renegade version of "Wawa Ain't Sheetz."


 

Wawa Ain’t Sheetz
sonofsaf

Wawa you shouldn’t be sellin’ cigarettes
‘Cause there is cancer in the real world
But I’m hungry for chow
I wanna Gobbler

The turnpike goes from east to west
It’s all on yelp, foodie take the test
Take it back from the start
‘Cause you know I ain’t playin’

The Sizzlis don’t have sauerkraut
Breakfast bowls are what it’s all about
At Sheetz you will pay less
Don’t be a crybaby, please

Wawa ain’t Sheetz faith I’ll take a leap
Wawa ain’t Sheetz, it’s not very cheap
A Thanksgiving defined, I'm gonna eat The Gobbler, hmm
I'm gonna eat The Gobbler, hmm

Rewarding on Tuesdays with free coffee
Buy a muffin from the bakery
Toss a salad tonight
Sheetz you roll the dice

But their ice cream’s telling me to lick it up
Online ordering, I gotta pick it up
Just don’t have a cow with white or brown rice, please

Wawa ain’t Sheetz faith I’ll take a leap
Wawa ain’t Sheetz, it’s not very cheap
A Thanksgiving defined, I'm gonna eat The Gobbler, hmm
I'm gonna eat The Gobbler, hmm

Philly, Philly is where I want to be
City of Pittsburgh’s not for me
Their balsamic dressing is wow
‘Cause keystone’s our blood
Keystone’s our blood (our blood), so please (so)

Wawa ain’t Sheetz faith I’ll take a leap
Wawa ain’t Sheetz, it’s not very cheap
A Thanksgiving defined, I'm gonna eat The Gobbler, hm
I'm gonna eat The Gobbler, ooh ooh

Wawa ain’t Sheetz faith I’ll take a leap
Wawa ain’t Sheetz, it’s not very cheap
Wawa ain’t Sheetz faith I’ll take a leap
Wawa ain’t Sheetz, it’s not very cheap
Wawa ain’t Sheetz (Oh, I'm gonna eat The Gobbler)
Wawa ain’t Sheetz (Ooh)
Wawa ain’t Sheetz (Don't stop killing me softly)
Wawa ain’t Sheetz (I know I'm eating The Gobbler)


Papa Don’t Preach
Madonna

Papa I know you're going to be upset
'Cause I was always your little girl
But you should know by now
I'm not a baby

You always taught me right from wrong
I need your help, daddy please be strong
I may be young at heart
But I know what I'm saying

The one you warned me all about
The one you said I could do without
We're in an awful mess
And I don't mean maybe, please

Papa don't preach I'm in trouble deep
Papa don't preach, I've been losing sleep
But I made up my mind, I'm keeping my baby, hm
I'm gonna keep my baby, hm

He says that he's going to marry me
We can raise a little family
Maybe we'll be all right
It's a sacrifice

But my friends keep telling me to give it up
Saying I'm too young, I oughta live it up
What I need right now is some good advice, please

Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep
Papa don't preach, I've been losing sleep
But I made up my mind, I'm keeping my baby, hm
I'm gonna keep my baby, ooh ooh

Daddy, daddy if you could only see
Just how good he's been treating me
You'd give us your blessing right now
'Cause we are in love
We are in love (in love), so please (so)

Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep
Papa don't preach, I've been losing sleep
But I made up my mind, I'm keeping my baby, hm
I'm gonna keep my baby, ooh ooh

Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep
Papa don't preach, I've been losing sleep
Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep
Papa don't preach, I've been losing sleep
Papa don't preach (Oh, I'm gonna keep my baby)
Papa don't preach (Ooh)
Papa don't preach (Don't stop loving me daddy)
Papa don't preach (I know I'm keeping my baby)




Madonna has been to Pittsburgh twice (1985 & 2012).  As opposed to her 20 appearances in Philly.  She obviously prefers hitting up the big cities and cashing in.  Ka-Ching!  With a net worth of 880 million, the Material Girl is closing in on billionaire status.

So Saf, what's your favorite Madonna song?  Gotta go old school.  Borderline, hands down.

Saf, of vastly greater importance... which is better?  Wawa or Sheetz?  The one thing I like about Sheetz... is that back in the mid 90's, when they started construction of their Southwest Air (LUV) terminal at the corner of National Rd and Route 88 in Wheeling, St. Vincent's Church across the street petitioned the city that the gas station would be an "eternal sacrilegious eyesore."  Taking this into account, I'm gonna have to go with Sheetz.

Please do not share this information with the Sheetz family or executives of the Wild Goose Holding Co. (Wawa).


Friday, May 28, 2021

#420. Governor Little

Idaho's Republican Governor Brad Little was recently out of state on a vacation in Helena, Montana.  Where he frequented a whore house and had a brief affair with a prostitute coincidentally named Helen Smellin'.  But that's neither here nor there.

While he was outta state, his Lt. Governor Janice McGeachin took it upon herself to lift the statewide mask mandate.  Not to sound overly Ari Melberesque but.... Mother Janice, why ya buggin'?


Orange Prolapse BIG.  Idaho Governor little

In a nutshell, Janice McGeachin just filed to run for Governor and essentially primary her fellow executive branch peer from the far right lane.  She's gonna try and kung flu Brad's little ass!

Not to deliberately sound like an acutely annoying alternative Janice but...

Oh!  My!  God!



Governor Little
sonofsaf

Governor Little
McGeachin
Governor Little  
Who is to blame
Governor Little
The job blows
Governor Little
A masking mandate

Governor Little
Tension rose
Governor Little
A Covid lie
Governor Little
The crowd jeers
Governor Little
I create mayhem
I create mayhem
I create mayhem

Election nearer
In the end
Day’s drawing nearer
The game of blame
More of a riddle,
For wise men
Clown is a sinner
Orange Prolapse you say

Give him the finger
And heckle
Trump’s hands are small
Kiss his rear end
Now Governor Little
The crowd jeers
Governor Little I can cause
I can cause mayhem
I can cause mayhem
I can cause mayhem

Who’s to blame
Who’s to blame
Who’s to blame
Who’s to blame
A masking mandate
A masking mandate
Who’s to blame oh
I can cause mayhem
I can cause mayhem

 

Little by Little
Robert Plant

Little by little
My heart grieves
Little by little
I call your name
Little by little
My tears flow
Little by little
Everything changes

Little by little
The time goes
Little by little
The days pass by
Little by little
The air clears
Little by little
I can breathe again
I can breathe again
I can breathe again
I can breathe again

Back at the mirror
Your good friend
Talk to the mirror
Play out the game
Stop in the middle,
I stop then
Look at the winner
And the price you pay

Cold was the winter
I trembled
Long was the fall
That had no end
Now little by little
The air clears
Little by little I can breathe
I can breathe again
I can breathe again
I can breathe again

Call your name
Call your name
Call your name
Call your name
Everything changes
Everything changes
I call your name oh
I can breathe again
I can breathe again



Just for the record, there are a few unusual videos of a mid-80's, puffy shirted, Robert Plant lip-syncing "Little By Little" on youtube.  They're all filmed at various studio wrestling-like television studios throughout Europe.  I cannot, in good conscience, provide the links.  You'll have to look for 'em on your own.

Robert Plant & Jimmy Page:

3-25-95, Civic Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

Please do not share this information with Governor Brad Little (R-ID), Lt. Governor Janice "Preachin" McGeachin (R-ID), and/or former President Donald J. Trump.


#419. Bleacher Bleacher

This bleacher collapse at a Jerusalem synagogue happened a couple weeks ago. 


2 dead.  160+ injured.

Oh Marone!  They're gonna feel that the next day.


Keep in mind, this happened only a couple weeks after the deadly Mt. Meron stampede in Northern Israel. 45 dead, hundreds injured.

Followed by a hot war in Gaza.

Dedicated to Jeff Radosevich and his errant refrain while at the 19th Ho some 15 years ago.   

This place is ass!



Bleacher Bleacher
sonofsaf

Now you should care, this wasn’t fair
Suddenly I heard them all screaming, yeah
This place is ass, phyxiation
Physics should be elementary
Piss on me and shit on me
It’s what happens when there’s a mass casualty

Bleacher!  Bleacher!  Can't you see I'm falling, falling?
Oh, Bleacher!  Bleacher!  Is this blood I’m bleeding?

Orthodox God cast a pox
I want a bagel with some fresh lox
Don’t you know, yo, don’t you know
’Cause there’s a lot of blood and broken bones, ooh

Bleacher!  Bleacher!  Can't you see I'm falling, falling?
Oh, Bleacher!  Bleacher!  Is this blood I’m bleeding?

Bleacher!  Bleacher!  Can't you see I'm falling, falling?
Oh, Bleacher!  Bleacher!  Is this blood I’m bleeding?

Underneath the bleacher seats (underneath)
Cannot pray that’s lame (cannot pray)
Underneath metallurgy (underneath)
Who’s gonna take the blame

Bleacher!  Bleacher!  Can't you see I'm falling, falling?
Oh, Bleacher!  Bleacher!  Is this blood I’m bleeding?  

Bleacher!  Bleacher!  Can't you see I'm falling, falling?
Oh, Bleacher!  Bleacher!  Is this blood I’m bleeding?

Sharky Tank they will deceive
Mister Wonderful is dead to me


Doctor Doctor
Thomson Twins

I saw you there, just standing there
And I thought I was only dreaming, yeah
I kissed you then, then once again
You said you would come and dance with me
Dance with me across the sea
And we can feel the motion of a thousand dreams

Doctor! Doctor! Can't you see I'm burning, burning
Oh, Doctor! Doctor! Is this love I'm feeling?

Ships at night give such delight
We all leave before the morning light
Please don't go, no, please don't go
'Cause I don't want to stay here on my own, ooh

Doctor! Doctor! Can't you see I'm burning, burning
Oh, Doctor! Doctor! Is this love I'm feeling?

Doctor! Doctor! Can't you see I'm burning, burning
Oh, Doctor! Doctor! Is this love I'm feeling?

Fever breathe your love on me (breathe your love)
Take away my name (take away)
Fever lay your hands on me (breathe your love)
I'll never be the same

Oh, Doctor! Doctor! Can't you see I'm burning, burning
Oh, Doctor! Doctor! Is this love I'm feeling?

Doctor! Doctor! Can't you see I'm burning, burning
Oh, Doctor! Doctor! Is this love I'm feeling?

Come with me and make believe
We can travel to eternity



The Thompson Twins showed up in Pittsburgh 5 times throughout the 1980's.  Didn't catch any of their shows.  And from what I understand, these triplets were of no relation.  

An albino woman, a lanky ginger, and the token black dude. 

Please do not share this information with the ultra-Orthodox Jews of Givat Ze'ev.


#418. Richard Marx

Just when you think you've heard and seen it all, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul accuses 1980's pop music crooner Richard Marx of mailing him anthrax.  Workers of the World Unite!  Nice Fuckin' Life! (obligatory references to socialism and biological weaponry).

 
I have been targeted multiple times now, it is reprehensible that Twitter allows C-list celebrities to advocate for violence against me and my family!
 
Quote Tweet
 
 
Fox News
@FoxNews
Rand Paul receives death threat package with white powder and violent, profane wording fxn.ws/3fDEQ7I
 



 
Richard Marx
sonofsaf

Rand Paul that name sounds gay
Sometimes blows on a nigga keep it real
You know what they say
Pitchin’ not catchin’ on the field
But the fetid
Squalor’s not cool
And he reeks of shit
Crusted whore

Rand Paul has a plan
Molesting itty bitty little girls
With a dick in hand
And he once sucked this haggard dude Merle
Stop the stealing
Orange Prolapse
McDonald’s feeling
Anthrax a la carte
U.S. mail with a shart
But the spores are not dark
Cause it came from Richard Marx

Rand Paul that name sounds gay
Sometimes blows on a nigga keep it real
You know what they say
Pitchin’ not catchin’ on the field
But the fetid
Squalor’s not cool
And he reeks of shit
Crusted whore
Born in Wheeling was an ass
Stop the stealing oh Orange Prolapse
Royal crowning drink it fast
 
 
Tiny Spark
Brendan Benson

I've always been this way
Never known any other way to feel
Got the right of way
And all of the others must yield
But I'm naked
And I'm in school
And I can't make it
To the door

Try to understand
That an oyster can only make a pearl
From a grain of sand
But from what I don't know comes a girl
And I'm trying
Not to laugh
Feels like I'm dying
When we break apart
And you take back your heart
And it aches in the dark
But it makes a tiny spark

I've always been this way
Never known any other way to feel
Got the right of way
And all of the others must yield
But I'm naked
And I'm in school
And I can't make it
To the door
We were lying in the grass
I was trying oh not to laugh
I was drowning in the past
 
 

 
I've liked this tune since back when Amandasar Overmars got me hooked on it.  Never seen Brendan Benson.  Double B has never played the Burgh.

For what it's worth, and it ain't worth much, I've never seen Richard Marx in concert either.  However, I did scalp the hell out of his Hara Arena, Dayton, Ohio show back in 1989.

Please do not share this material with Senator Rand Paul (R-KY).  I'm hereby proposing a congressional amendment that... anytime a person references Rand Paul or Mitch McConnell, either be referred to as the honorable senator of "KY Jelly."


#417. Buccos What The Fuck

I was down by PNC Park yesterday afternoon and this dude handed me a freebie upper deck ticket to the game against the Cubs.  

Beautiful weather for a matinee game.  They used to call these games a "Gentleman's Special."  But cancel culture has had enough with that woke bullshit.  And I am by no means... a gentleman.

So I hustled back to my vehicle, stashed my backpack, and snagged a readimade Long Island Iced Tea drink for the walk back to the ballpark.  Which incidentally, was really disgusting.  Never, under any circumstances, purchase this product.



So this would be my first Pirates game since September 17, 2019 (fun in the age of Covid).  Not to quote Nickleback or Staind or whoever the fuck.  But let's just say "it's been awhile."

So I'm relishing this Long Island Iced Tea drink which tastes like sweet, pureed, outdated relish.  And I'm sitting by my lonesome in the Residence Inn courtyard across from the home plate entrance when my buddy Roger walks by with his friend Eric.  Roger had some minor email discrepancy and had to go to the ticket window.  By the time we walk into the park it's the top of the 4th.  We grabbed a few seats in the outfield.  

Little did we know that we had just missed what's now being categorized as "the worst defensive play" in the history of Major League Baseball.  Hysterical!  In the previous inning, all first baseman Will Craig had to do... was tag the base or merely just stand in the way of Cubs Javy Baez and eventually get the force out.  He could have stood there for days and held a doctoral dissertation about the awkward history of MLB errors during the past 35 years.  Since the infamous Bill Buckner ball thru his legs moment.  Which marked the World Series collapse of the 1986 Boston Red Sox.  That moment is now officially number two.... as in dump.

So we hit the center outfield riverwalk and stop to take in the afternoon skyline.  The Pirates score a solo home run and the ball lands about 25 feet from us.  Then, less than a minute later, another solo home run drops about 50 feet from us.  At this point, I'm totally convinced that Pirates owner Bob Nutting is trying to kill me via blunt force baseball to the head trauma.  One hell of a coincidence.  Because if you go back in time, say four years, well you could make the argument that I started it.  



 

Buccos What The Fuck
sonofsaf

Well, baby got back goods, like Heather Stollar
Works for Nutting and the almighty dollar
Maybe our team’s too white
Never seem to get it right
PNC Park should
Field a winner
All of the players on a red blood thinner
‘Cause we all prayin’ on our hands and knees
Every time you turn on the tv

Buccos, what the fuck?  These Pirates suck
Reminds me of an orange clown
Bargain players in a major town
Mark Madden the show’s on his phone
Tweetin’ twitter alone
It’s called the Bucco Roundup
Buccos what the fuck

Yinzer fans, they is hittin’ up the crack
Losers all the while
Pops is never comin’ back
Hey, maybe who’s to blame
Bob a little Nutting is the one to shame
Oliver Onion
Pizza Penny
Sauerkraut Saul
Once was a party
Never known to pick a fight
Whoever they play is outta site

Buccos, what the fuck?  These Pirates suck
Reminds me of an orange clown
Bargain players in a major town
Mark Madden the show’s on his phone
Tweetin’ twitter alone
It’s called the Bucco Roundup
Buccos what the fuck

Buccos, what the fuck?  These Pirates suck
Reminds me of an orange clown
Bargain players in a major town
Mark Madden the show’s on his phone
Tweetin’ twitter alone
It’s called the Bucco Roundup
Buccos what the fuck

Buccos what the fuck
Buccos what the fuck
Buccos what the fuck

 

Hillbilly Deluxe
Brooks and Dunn

Well, up in the backwoods, down in the holler
Old boy feeling like a dog on a collar
Keepin' that chain hold tight
Waiting on Saturday night
Put on the smell good
Put on Skynyrd
Head into town like a Nascar winner
Cruisin' back and forth to the Tasty Freeze
Everywhere you look all you see is

Hillbilly deluxe, slick pick up trucks
Big timing in a small town
Stirrin' it up right about sundown
Black denim and chrome to the bone
With a little homegrown
Country girl cuddled up
Hillbilly deluxe

Couple kids, sweet thing driving a fast back
Shoot 'em a coon smile
Hoping that they smile back
Hey, baby, what's your name?
Burn a little rubber when the red light change
Here come the blue light
Here come Barney
Hide all the beer y'all
Let's move the party
Gotta go but that's alright
Do it all again next Friday night

Hillbilly deluxe, slick pick up trucks
Big timing in a small town
Stirrin' it up right about sundown
Black denim and chrome to the bone
With a little homegrown
Country girl cuddled up
Hillbilly deluxe

Hillbilly deluxe, slick pick up trucks
Big timing in a small town
Stirrin' it up right about sundown
Black denim and chrome to the bone
With a little homegrown
Country girl cuddled up
Hillbilly deluxe

Hillbilly deluxe
Hillbilly deluxe
Hillbilly deluxe 


 


The Chicago Cubs swept the three game series (4-3, 4-1, 5-3). 

Brooks & Dunn: 

9-3-05, Post-Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA

6-9-07, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA (opened for Bon Jovi)

Please do not share this information with Pirates owner Bob Nutting, Pirates first baseman Will Craig, and/or Cubs shortstop Javy Baez.