Tuesday, May 11, 2021

#374. Glenn

Over the weekend, Virginia Republicans hand picked their nominee for Governor.  Businessman Glenn Youngkin.  He's a quarter billionaire "outsider" who used to run the Carlyle Group, a multi-billion dollar hedge fund/investment conglomerate.  

Incorrect!  Damn you internet!  It's the Orange Prolapse & Glenn Youngkin

But registered voters were not afforded the opportunity to cast a ballot in their routine primary election.  That's not how it works anymore.

The "Republican state party of Virginia" decided to hold an unassembled convention using 39 remote "drive-thru" locations.  Roughly 30,000 of the 53,000 registered Republican delegates came out to vote on Saturday.  Now WTF is up with that?

Listen closely.  This ain't complex.

The state of Virginia has a population of 8.5 million.  Roughly 4.5 million of its citizens voted in the 2020 presidential election.  Registered Republicans account for 42% of that figure.  So in essence, the Virginia GOP just completely disenfranchised roughly 1.9 million of their own voters statewide.  Well, that's minus the "more important" group of 30,000 "special" Republicans of course.

Long story short, if you're a conservative leaning individual in Virginia, you might wanna start looking for a new party.  Cause if you require evidence of whether or not the state GOP higher ups are willing to embrace the fundamental tenets of democracy... well, the vote (and the truth) is now self-evident.  Sounds familiar, eh?  #StopTheSteal #CyberNinjas #OrangeProlapse

The Virginia state motto is Sic semper tyrannis.  Thus always to tyrants is supposed to mean "victory over tyranny."  Hmm, sounds more like absolute capitulation or succumbing to tyranny.  Brought to you by the Republican party of Virginia.  

Republicans just discovered a new means of how to shape, influence, and determine the vote!  It's pretty simple really.  Just don't let 'em vote. 


 
 
Glenn
sonofsaf
 
Glenn Glenn Glenn Glenn, friendly Glenn Glenn Glenn!

Glenn Glenn Glenn Glenn, friendly Glenn Glenn Glenn!

Glenn Glenn Glenn Glenn, friendly Glenn, oo hoo hoo, hoo hoo, oo.

Glenn Glenn Glenn Glenn, friendly Glenn Glenn Glenn!

Glenn Glenn Glenn Glenn, friendly Glenn Glenn Glenn!
 
Glenn... 
 
 
Men (Two and A Half Men Theme Song)
Chuck Lorre / Grant Geissmen / Lee Aronson
 
Men men men men, manly men men men!

Men men men men, manly men men men!

Men men men men, manly men, oo hoo hoo, hoo hoo, oo.

Men men men men, manly men men men!

Men men men men, manly men men men!

Men...


Never really cared much for the show.  Not that it was horrible or anything.  Just never had the desire to embrace another one of those "frisky risque" sitcoms.

Feel free to share this information with gubernatorial candidate Glenn Youngkin (R-VA), registered Republican voters in the state of Virginia, and/or fans of Two And A Half Men.

#373. DarkSide Of The Goon

The FBI is blaming the Colonial pipeline shutdown/ransomware attack on a Russian hacking group known as DarkSide.  

 

Even assuming the "glitch gets fixed," the general optics of this incident have the potential to get uglier.  Especially if gas prices spike ahead of an eventual Biden/Putin summit.  Lots of bickering, posturing, leveraging, maneuvering.  Basically just add the suffix "ing" to any... thing.

In my mind, the vast majority of Americans won't give a shit because it's very challenging to graphically illustrate the impact.  Most people simply don't care about cyber-warfare and acts of cyber-terrorism unless they feel it directly impacts them personally.  Like they feel about identity theft and bank account fraud.

My suggestion to the Biden administration is to start assigning alleged foreign hacking groups with uniquely identifiable visual representations of some sort.  As in the case of DarkSide, maybe start with this premise.

 

But take it a step further and concoct a variation based on the "geometrically conspiratorial" appearance of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon.  A similar array of shapes.  But in the form of the incredibly familiar triangles.  

There you go.  Blame it all on Vladmir Putin and label it "DarkSide of the Goon."

In the future, as cyber-attacks continue to grow, I suspect the United States government will eventually get with the program and start creating "distinct logos" for various hacking groups.  Fancy Bear, Lizard Squad, Chaos Computer Club, etc.

Think about it.  Pretty much everyone knows about Anonymous.  Why?   Because they've "seen it."


It's one thing to hear the name.  It's another thing to visually consume it.  The vast majority of Americans, and human beings for that matter, require the latter.

 

Pink Floyd:

5-29-94, Ohio Stadium, Columbus, OH
5-31-94, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA

Roger Waters:

Roger Waters, 7-3-12, Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA
Roger Waters, 9-19-17, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

Australian Pink Floyd:

12-5-07, Benedum Center, Pittsburgh, PA

Brit Floyd:

8-28-15, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA
4-12-17, Benedum Center, Pittsburgh, PA

Feel free to share this information anybody who gives a shit.  In essence, nobody.


#372. Patients

A curious parody.  It's from the perspective of a physician who deals with conditions related to dwarfism.  Spina bifida, bone density issues, etc.  And then it abruptly ends in a stinging tirade about the Orange Prolapse.

 

Whoever photoshopped this pic had the correct perspective.  Why?  Because the truth is really that simple.

Not an insult.  Merely a statement of fact.


 

Patients
sonofsaf

Might sound a ‘lil outta the blue
Still it’s true all the while
World would be great if you were taller now
Height it has a certain allure and it’s
Much worse on your knees
A little stout you’re teapot short now

Said midget you are low but it ain’t easy when you’re high
All I need is just some little patients
Said pygmy you are low and you’ll never get that high
All I need is just some little patients
(Patients)

Feels like you’re worse for wear cause you have such tiny bones
If you could get stretched somehow zero fear
The mocking won’t relent but bein’ mean ain’t a crime
My blood boils when you’re callin’ me Big Dipper

Said midget you are low not easy bein’ high
You are just another little patient
Said pygmy not a crime to be known as Bud Light
You and I eat it what it takes to make shit
We don’t fake shit
Salisbury steak shit
Some stomach ache shit

Little patients, yeah
Need some little patients, yeah
Just some little patients, yeah
(Some more patients) You’re as
Small as your appetite, (yeah-yeah)
Sick and tired of your plight
Might be small but Donald Trump is a clown (could use some patients)
You know I don't like him cause he’s fat and
He’s loud (gotta have some patients yeah)
Orange Prolapse is strange despite the nicknames
He’ll never accept the blame cause he fucks you
Yeah yeah yeah
Cause he fucks you
Ooo he fucks you (all it takes is patients)
Whoa he fucks you (just some little patients)
Ooh all this time (is all you need)

 

Patience
Guns’n’Roses

Shed a tear cause I'm missing you
I'm still alright to smile
Girl I think bout you every day now
Was a time when I wasn't sure but you
Set my mind at ease
There is no doubt you're in my heart now

Said woman take it slow and it'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said sugar make it slow and we'll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
(Patience)

I sit here on the stairs cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now I'll wait dear
Sometimes I get so tense but I can't speed up the time
But you know love there's one more thing to consider

Said woman take it slow and things will be just fine
You and I'll just use a little patience
Said sugar take the time cause the lights are shining bright
You and I've got what it takes to make it
We won't fake it
I'll never break it
Cause I can't take it

Little patience, yeah
Need a little patience, yeah
Just a little patience, yeah
(Some more patience) I've been
Walking the streets at night, (yeah-yeah)
Just trying to get it right
It's hard to see with so many around (Could use some patience)
You know I don't like being stuck in
The crowd (Gotta have some Patience yeah)
And the streets don't change but maybe the names
I ain't got time for the game cause I need you
Yeah yeah yeah
Cause I need you
Ooo I need you (All it takes is patience)
Whoa I need you (Just a little patience)
Ooh all this time (Is all you need) 



Guns 'N Roses

7-20-88, Civic Center, Wheeling, WV

G'N'R showed up at Heinz Field in the summer of 2016.  Mason and her girlfriend went in.  But for some odd reason, I just wasn't feelin' the vibe.  Which is admittedly rare.  Especially for a stadium concert.  So I just hung out with the panhandlers, fans who got kicked out, roamed the parking lots, all that jazz.  Post-Covid, I doubt I'll ever make that same mistake.

Please do not share this information with former President Donald J. Trump, President Barack Obama, and/or dwarfs.


Monday, May 10, 2021

#371. Ain't Too Proud Of Craig

"You have a great police chief. I watch him, I really like him a lot.  I think he’s terrific.  I think he’s just an incredible representative too.  He speaks so well about a very important subject, which is crime and the rioting and all the things you see in certain cities." --- Donald J. Trump



The fluorescent chump was referencing Detroit Police Chief James Craig who has set his sights on the Michigan Governor's race.

Not to dispense free political advice, but if I was a black Republican male running for Governor in the state of Michigan, I'd take a gander at the last black Republican who ran statewide in Michigan and received a hearty endorsement from the neon McOgre.

 

 

In 2020, incumbent Senator Gary Peters defeated Republican challenger John James 

NomineeGary PetersJohn James
PartyDemocraticRepublican
Popular vote2,734,5682,642,233
Percentage49.9%48.2% 

Granted it was close.  One critical distinction though.  This was BEFORE the insurrection which turned off a lot of independent voters... of which Michigan assuredly has plenty.  



My advice to James Craig.  I wouldn't seek out endorsements from the ex-commander-in-clown.  Funny thing though, Trump will predictably go out of his way to pretend he gives a shit about what happens in Michigan.  Whether candidate Craig likes it or not.  And what if it's a nailbiter finish?  Which is certainly possible.  Trust me, the Orange Prolapse will emerge, pop out or whatever, and invariably try to come to the rescue.  Not sure I'd want Trump acting as my public relations/campaign manager.  He's been on a consistent losing streak as of late.  Sad!



 

Ain’t Too Proud Of Craig
sonofsaf

I know are a piggy
And I’ll accuse you don’t you know
If I have to take a knee for some empathy
Not a crime, 'cause you don’t mean shit to me

Ain’t too proud of Craig he’s not worth shit (the barkin’)
Please go fuck him Detroit (that would blow)
Why so loud you see, maybe, maybe
Please go fuck him, world (that would blow)

All the cops I ain’t a fan
Some contraband, take me for a ride
And if I have to lie to cuff you
I don't mind killin’ I’ll shoot you dead or alive

Ain’t too proud of Craig he’s not worth shit (the barkin’)
Please go fuck him Detroit (that would blow)
Why so loud you see, maybe, maybe
Please go fuck him, world (that would blow)

If bullets go deep into your chest
Without delay
Just to stop you from talkin’ that way
I shoot giraffes, just so they cannot stand
Don’t give a fuck about you, not part of my plan

Ain’t too proud of Craig he’s not worth shit (the barkin’)
Please go fuck him Detroit (that would blow)
Why so loud you see, maybe, maybe
Please go fuck him, world (that would blow)

Now I’ve tortured as a creep, hatred right from the start
Once killed a pimp and his whore
Hell of a lotta fun, they’re dead barely maybe
If dyin’ ain’t that fun, talkin’ tales folklore

Ain’t too proud of Craig he’s not worth shit (the barkin’)
Please go fuck him Detroit (that would blow)
Why so loud you see, maybe, maybe
Please go fuck him, world (that would blow)
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby (the barkin’)


Ain’t Too Proud To Beg
The Temptations

I know you wanna leave me
But I refuse to let you go
If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy
I don't mind, 'cause you mean that much to me

Ain't too proud to beg and you know it (sweet darlin')
Please don't leave me girl (don't you go)
Ain't too proud to plead, baby, baby
Please don't leave me, girl (don't you go)

Now I heard a cryin' man
Is half a man, with no sense of pride
But if I have to cry to keep you
I don't mind weepin' if it'll keep you by my side

Ain't too proud to beg, sweet darlin'
Please don't leave me girl (don't you go)
Ain't too proud to plead, baby, baby
Please don't leave me girl (don't you go)

If I have to sleep on your doorstep
All night and day
Just to keep you from walkin' away
Let your friends laugh, even this I can stand
'Cause I wanna keep you, any way I can

Ain't too proud to beg (sweet darlin')
Please don't leave me girl (don't you go)
Ain't too proud to plead, baby, baby
Please don't leave me girl (don't you go)

Now I've gotta love so deep, in the pit of my heart
And each day it grows more and more
I'm not ashamed to come, and plead to you baby
If pleadin' keeps you from, walkin' out that door

Ain't too proud to beg and you know it (sweet darlin')
Please don't leave me girl (don't you go)
Ain't too proud to plead, baby, baby
Please don't leave me girl (don't you go)
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby (sweet darling')



Since 1963, The Temptations, or I imagine some related form of that which is tempting, have played in Pittsburgh a grand total of 13 times.  As you may have surmised, the original members had a lot of issues with drugs, alcohol, suicide, etc.  Never seen 'em.

Hope someone out there noticed the subtle parody correlation:  A Mo-Town Temptations song for a black candidate straight outta Detroit.  

Just an aside.  Crazy coincidence.  A few years ago, Mason and I visited the Motown Museum... on the same exact day that Aretha Franklin died (August 16, 2018).  We were up in Detroit to see Jeff Lynne at Little Caesar's Arena.

Please do not share this material with James Craig (R-MI), John James (R-MI), Governor Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI), Senator Gary Peters (R-MI) and/or former President Donald J. Trump.


#370. His Newtered Cock Is Blockin'

When it comes to Donald J. Trump, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich is pretty darn prolific.  He just loves to write books about his hero... the Orange Prolapse. 

Understanding Trump

Trump's America: The Truth About Our Nation's Great Comeback

Trump and the American Future: Solving The Great Problems Of Our Time

Trump vs. China: America's Greatest Threat

Re-Electing Trump: Four More Years To Make America Great Again

I will say one thing.  Figging Newton certainly knows his audience.  Gullible, impetuous, easily indoctrinated, and so on and so forth.  He knows how to give 'em what they want.  Nude's the man!

 

(Just look at these two patriotic spring chickens.  One's a con.  The other, both a con and a neocon.)

Trump and Gingrich.  United together by a very rare physical condition known as "identical gock."  A combination of gut and cock.


 

His Newtered Cock Is Blockin’
sonofsaf

Fox News jism they are cummin’ on me
Semen and red blood is the best
You've been caressin’ where you shouldn't 've been caressin’
And you know it’s gonna make a big ’ol mess

His Newtered cock is blockin’
Vagina he’ll eschew
One of these days his Newtered cock will cum all over you
Ya

You keep lyin' when you’re lookin’ for foolin’
And you keep choosing ways not to get her wet
You keep prayin’ instead of rearrangin’
Your divorce not right was highly circumspect

His Newtered cock is blockin’
Vagina he’ll eschew
One of these days his Newtered cock will cum all over you

You keep gayin’ though I shouldn't be sayin’
Your ass keeps winkin’ takin’ it up there first
He just wants to be a big fat fascist (yeah)
The Trumpers won’t be able to discern
His Newtered cock is blockin’
Vagina he’ll eschew
One of these days his Newtered cock will cum all over you

Are you ready, Newt? Start blockin’


These Boots Are Made For Walkin’
Nancy Sinatra

You keep sayin' you got somethin' for me
Somethin' you call love but confess
You've been a'messin' where you shouldn't 've been a'messin'
And now someone else is getting all your best

These boots are made for walkin'
And that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
Ya

You keep lyin' when you oughta be truthin'
And you keep losing when you oughta not bet
You keep samin' when you oughta be a'changin'
Now what's right is right but you ain't been right yet

These boots are made for walkin'
And that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin'
And you keep thinkin' that you'll never get burnt (ha)
I just found me a brand new box of matches (yeah)
And what he knows you ain't had time to learn
These boots are made for walkin'
And that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

Are you ready, boots? Start walkin'



Frank Sinatra has performed in the city of Pittsburgh 19 times (1942-1993).  Mostly at The Stanley Theater, and then later on, at the Civic Arena.  His daughter Nancy did not follow in her father's footsteps.  Never been to the Burgh.  Although she did show up on this Sopranos episode in the final season.  Good stuff.

Please do not share this material with Newt Gingrich, former President Donald J. Trump, and/or Nancy Sinatra.


#369. Porn In The U.S.A.

The way I see it, our cunt tree, the fucking United States of America, exceeds at three things.  Porn, porn, and more porn.  


Back in the day, I remember these massive outdoor Lamar Advertising billboards all over the state of Ohio.  They were conveniently located in close proximity to all of the Lion's Den adult superstores.

I've always wondered exactly what it takes to be considered "a real man."  Now we're talkin' legit manhood here.  Hmm, well according to Pat Robertson and his 700 Club, the group that spearheaded this public relations campaign, a state of manliness applies if you're a construction worker, salesperson, soldier, astronaut (WTF?!?) and/or football player.

Just for the record, this song was originally entitled Korn in the U.S.A.  And it was supposed to be about Korn and heavy metal in general.  I normally refrain from re-parodizing the same song but that one might have potential.  This one turned out above average.



Porn In The U.S.A.
sonofsaf

Stormy Daniels not a clown
Unlike an Orange Prolapse in a Tahoe town
He ends up shittin’ logs ‘cause he ate too much
Big Macs and chocolate shakes just livin’ it up

Porn in the U.S.A.
I want porn in the U.S.A.
I want porn in the U.S.A.
Porn in the U.S.A.

We got some incest homegrown fam
Double penetration butt gets canned
Ass can take an entire hand
Dildo and thrill a trans woman

Porn in the U.S.A.
I want porn in the U.S.A.
I want porn in the U.S.A.
I want porn in the U.S.A.
Porn in the U.S.A.

I visited a Trump winery
Trumpy bitch says "Son of Saf don’t fuck with me"
Orange clown’s barred from his twitter plan
He said "Saf, I know that you’re banned"

I saw your mother on a farm milfin’ with a horse’s dong
Worse for wear, crack of dawn
She’s gettin’ Bezosed in the Amazon
And now you know she’s milkin’ Bessie the cow

Hot teens underage in the elementary
Vibrators in the holes it’s just machinery
There’s some queers churning heavy loads
They wanna cum and so they’re gonna blow

Porn in the U.S.A.
I want porn in the U.S.A.
Porn in the U.S.A.
I'm a big bone dicky in the U.S.A.
Porn in the U.S.A.
Porn in the U.S.A.
Porn in the U.S.A.
You’re a cock sucking licky in the U.S.A. 

 

Born In The U.S.A.
Bruce Springsteen

Born down in a dead man's town
The first kick I took was when I hit the ground
You end up like a dog that's been beat too much
Till you spend half your life just covering up

Born in the U.S.A.
I was born in the U.S.A.
I was born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.

Got in a little hometown jam
So they put a rifle in my hand
Sent me off to a foreign land
To go and kill the yellow man

Born in the U.S.A.
I was born in the U.S.A.
I was born in the U.S.A.
I was born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.

Come back home to the refinery
Hiring man says "Son if it was up to me"
Went down to see my V.A. man
He said "Son, don't you understand"

I had a brother at Khe Sanh fighting off the Viet Cong
They're still there, he's all gone
He had a woman he loved in Saigon
I got a picture of him in her arms now

Down in the shadow of the penitentiary
Out by the gas fires of the refinery
I'm ten years burning down the road
Nowhere to run ain't got nowhere to go

Born in the U.S.A.
I was born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.
I'm a long gone Daddy in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.
I'm a cool rocking Daddy in the U.S.A. 



Bruce Springsteen:

10-27-12, Soldiers and Sailors Memorial Hall and Museum,  Pittsburgh, PA

10-27-12, Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA

4-22-14, Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA

1-16-16, Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA

9-11-16, Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA

Please do not share this information with Springsteen fans and/or porn addicts


Sunday, May 09, 2021

#368. His Name Is Ron

I have a question for Florida's Republican Governor Ron DeSantis.

You down with OPP?  

As he fumbles and stumbles for an answer, I suspect he'd mention Naughty by Nature or perhaps discuss his commitment to private property rights (Other People's Property).  I doubt he'd invoke the ghetto narrative (you know, Other People's Pussy). 

But the joke will be on Ron.  Assuming he asks for clarification, you simply reply, "Uh, Mr. Governor, OPP stands for the Orange Prolapse Party of which you are most certainly down."

(The Orange Prolapse beams with "smug delight" in admiration of all that is Ron.)

My point --- the only possible DeSantis response is an unequivocal yes!  He's the pure essence of OPP.

 


His Name Is Ron
sonofsaf

His name is Ron
It’s all a con he’s gay
It’s all a con, betray
It’s all a con he’s gay
You know that he ain’t strong, betray
A coup d’état they will play

His name is Ron
A con he plays you’ll see
It’s all a con, betray
It’s all a con he plays you’ll see
You know, it’s all a con
Just you wait and you’ll see

His name is Ron
A con he’s gay his wood
And it’s all a con
Baby, a con he’s gay his wood
He’s gay he’ll blow and be open-assed baby
So he will blow, and blow the wood

Hello, I'm ready to betray
Ready can you tell
Oh, ready, ready to betray
Ready you can tell
And now that you’ve bent over
All a game for you to show and tell


The Thrill Is Gone
B.B. King

The thrill is gone
The thrill is gone away
The thrill is gone, baby
The thrill is gone away
You know you done me wrong, baby
And you'll be sorry someday

The thrill is gone
It's gone away from me
The thrill is gone, baby
The thrill is gone away from me
Although, I'll still live on
But so lonely I'll be

The thrill is gone
It's gone away for good
All the thrill is gone
Baby, it's gone away for good
Someday I know I'll be open-armed baby
Just like I know, I know I should

You know, I'm free, free now, baby
I'm free from your spell
Oh, free, free, free now, baby
I'm free from your spell
And now that it's all over
All that I can do is wish you well


From 1972 to 2012, B.B. King played a total of 36 concerts in the Burgh.  Impressive.  

Born in 1925 in rural Mississippi.  Passed away in 2015 in Las Vegas.  Regrettably, I never saw him live.  And never will.

Please do not share this information with Governor Ron DeSantis (R-FL), any descendants of the late B.B. King, and/or former President Donald J. Trump.  #OrangeProlapse


#367. Medina

Well well well... equestrian megalomaniac Bob Baffert and his Kentucky Derby winner Medina Spirit just tested positive for 21 picograms of a steroid (betamethasone) in its system.  That's more than double the legal allotment for horse racing in Kentucky!

 

This begs the obvious question, why is it justifiable to "blood dope" horses with any amount of synthetic steroids?  But I guess that's neither here nor there.


Looks like Baffert, who seems to have a recurring problem with artificially generated victories, might have to finally face some form of punishment or retribution.  Oooh yeah... boy!   A hefty, flavored fine will assuredly be levied by the honorable racing commission.  Perhaps.

And now the Orange Prolapse just weighed in with a fake blog-tweet...

From the miniature desk of Donald J. Trump...

1:00pm May 9, 2021

So now even our Kentucky Derby winner, Medina Spirit, is a junky.  This is emblematic of what is happening to our Country.  The whole world is laughing at us as we go to hell on our Borders, our fake Presidential Election, and everywhere else!

 

Medina
sonofsaf

Baffert’s horse is scary
Baffert’s horse appalled
Baffert used the steroids
The Spirit never stalled

Medina! Medi-nuh-uh!
His horse ain’t king
Medina

Should have stuck to bourbon
Still has a big ‘ol schlong
So hear the call, drug test ‘em all
We knew it all along

Medina! Medi-nuh-uh!
His horse ain’t king
Medina
Medina

Baffert’s horse already
Won cash the race and such
Cheating’s a dastardly deed
Injections are a crutch

Medina! Medi-nuh-uh!
His horse ain’t king
Medina

Medina! Medi-nuh-uh!
His horse ain’t king
Medina

Horse meat Chinese diner
Is the next stop for Medina
Just a warning

 

Vagina
Howard Stern Show

Some of them are hairy
Some of them are bald
Some are kinda scary
And this is what they're called

Vagina! Vagi-hoo-a!
They call that thing
Vagina

Some belong to virgins
They're really tight and strong
But big or small, I love 'em all
That's why I sing my song

Vagina! Vagi-hoo-a!
They call that thing
Vagina
Vagina

Some of them are smelly
Like clams and fish and such
Some smell like a summer's eve
Cause they've been douched too much

Vagina! Vagi-hoo-a!
They call that thing
Vagina


Vagina! Vagi-hoo-a!
They call that thing
Vagina

Nothin' could be finer
Than to be in a vagina
In the morning


Really sucks if you placed a major wager on Mandaloun who finished second (at 15-1 no less).  Not to mention all the big money trifecta/quinella/exacta shit... which is obviously irrelevant and worthless.  Just doesn't bode well for the future of pony gambling.  But hey, at least you got to wear a fancy hat and sip on a mint julep.  

Never been to the Kentucky Derby.  Perhaps someday.  The closest I ever came was a hyper-extended limo trek to the Saratoga Springs Race Course near Albany, New York back in 2005.  Shrill and Jessarooni were kind enough to look after Meowee and the house... and politely refrain from swimming naked in my neighbor Fuckface's pool. 

Please do not share this information with Bob Baffert, Kentucky Derby officials, and/or former President Donald J. Trump. 


#366. Just Say Bo

My condolences on the recent passing of Bo, the Obama family hypoallergenic Portuguese Water Dog.


 


Just Say Bo
sonofsaf


Just Say No
Grange Hill Cast 


In all honesty, I wouldn't even know where to start with a parody for this mid 80's, PSA-inspired song and dance routine.  The drama and choreography is beyond demented.  And how about that rap interlude?  It does bring back some curious teenage recollections of the ceaseless anti-drug hysteria during the Reagan administration.  In many ways, Nancy Reagan and the Just Say No campaign parallels the Orange Prolapse and the Big Lie of 2020.  Not about truth or reality.  Not about the quality of an argument or allowing any room for sensible debate.  Instead, it's all about the publicity and media saturation.  Rinse, whitewash, and repeat.  Over and over and over.  Until the other side simply capitulates from sheer exhaustion.  And you enter into this distorted realm of "exhausted, reluctant acceptance" as the narrative shifts and everything becomes part of a new, societal norm.

Born in the summer of 1970, I never "physically experienced" the Presidents of the 70's and 80's (Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, & Bush Sr.)

The only President I ever had any actual contact with was Bill Clinton.  In 1992, I briefly shook his hand when him and Al Gore hopped off their tour buses and greeted a crowd of supporters in Elm Grove.  I took the opportunity to assure him, that in my humble estimation, he was going to become the next President.  Saw him speak at a community center in Homewood on behalf of wife Hillary circa 2016.

As for watching them address a crowd, I've seen George W. Bush on two occasions.  Wheeling Civic Center (2004) and Capitol Music Hall (2006).  

Obama once in 2012 at Soldiers and Sailors Hall in Oakland when he was getting everyone "fired up" alongside Bruce Springsteen.

Sad but true, the Orange Prolapse leads the way with somewhere around 10 of his cult worshiping rallies.

I've never seen Biden under the guise of President.  But I did swing by a couple of his 2020 Pittsburgh campaign rallies.  Lucky me.

Please do not share this material with anyone who owns a Portuguese Water Dog and/or anyone who has ever served as President of the United States.


#365. Ronny He Would

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis just played the starring role in a Trumpian-inspired bill signing ceremony (standard Jim Crow voter suppression legislation).  Twas a Fox News exclusive!  Surrounded by his favorite political tighty-whities and replete with perfunctory congratulatory celebrations.  Deafening applause, high fives, and tears of joy.  In a word... sick.

 

If I had to wager a guess, I think Ron DeSantis is the best positioned political heavyweight for the 2024 Republican nomination.  The Senators (Cruz, Hawley, Scott, etc.) pretty much cancel each other out.  Same logic would apply to the top tier Republican statesmen (Pence, Pompeo, Haley).  Out of all of the sicko sycophants, I just think DeSantis has the best "lane."  The real question is... who will Rupert Murdoch support.  In tandem with the Orange Prolapse of course.  

If DeSantis gets the nomination, I suspect he'll pick a woman for veep.  Either dark horse Governor Kristi Noem (R-SD).  Doubtful.  Or former South Carolina Governor/UN Ambassador Nikki Haley.  Probably Haley. 



 

Ronny He Would
sonofsaf

To the West is Alabama better football team
We’re doin’ all we should no steroids we're clean
Name is Ron DeSantis he’ll do what he should
He’ll kiss a Trumper’s ass yeah Ronny he would
Will Trumpy get arrested only time will tell
But I don’t give a shit he’ll be a-burnin’ in hell

Go go
Go Ronny go go
Go Ronny go go
Go Ronny go go
Go Ronny go go
Ronny he would

The hardcore right is bitter and their leaders whack
Marjorie Taylor Greene is a Q-Anon quack
Oh, take a dump on Air Force One shitting and get laid
Voter law suppression is how he gits paid
He’s even married but we think he is gay
Oh my God what would the church-a-holics say

Go go
Go Ronny go go
Go Ronny go go
Go Ronny go go
Go Ronny go go
Ronny he would

His mother hates the coloreds and the lesbians
DeSantis hates the trannies he is not a fan
Racist hatred coming you can hear the sound
Tonguing Trump’s orange prolapse avoidin’ the brown
Next coup d’etat there’ll be plenty of fights
Saying Ronny he would that’s right

Go go
Go Ronny go
Go go go Ronny go
Go go go Ronny go
Go go go Ronny go
Go
Ronny he would

 

Johnny B. Goode
Chuck Berry

Deep down in Louisiana close to New Orleans
Way back up in the woods among the evergreens
There stood a log cabin made of earth and wood
Where lived a country boy named Johnny B. Goode
Who never ever learned to read or write so well
But he could play a guitar just like a-ringin' a bell

Go go
Go Johnny go go
Go Johnny go go
Go Johnny go go
Go Johnny go go
Johnny B. Goode

He used to carry his guitar in a gunny sack
Go sit beneath the tree by the railroad track
Oh, the engineers would see him sitting in the shade
Strumming with the rhythm that the drivers made
The people passing by they would stop and say
"Oh my what that little country boy could play"

Go go
Go Johnny go go
Go Johnny go go
Go Johnny go go
Go Johnny go go
Johnny B. Goode

His mother told him "someday you will be a man
And you will be the leader of a big old band
Many people coming from miles around
To hear you play your music when the sun go down
Maybe someday your name will be in lights
Saying "Johnny B. Goode tonight"

Go go
Go Johnny go
Go go go Johnny go
Go go go Johnny go
Go go go Johnny go
Go
Johnny B. Goode 




Never saw Chuck Berry in concert.  Interestingly enough, he played Pittsburgh a grand total of 21 times.  Mostly during the late 1950's at the Syria Mosque, the Stanley Theater and some venue known as "Rock and Roll Club."  Berry passed away in 2017 at the age of 90.

So instead, we'll go with the Dead.  I saw them close out their second set in Deer Creek w/ Johnny B. Goode.  Twas good.  Noblesville, Indiana (6-22-93)

Help > Slip > Frank, Wang Dang Doodle, High Time, It's All Over Now,  Tom Thumb's Blues, Tennessee Jed, Picasson Moon

Victim, Crazy Fingers, Looks Like Rain > He's Gone > Drumz > Miracle > Days Between > Johnny B. Goode  * Liberty

"After that hyper-charged first set, you got no other choice but to slow it down and grunge it out for the second." --- Block Head.

23 years later I saw Dead & Company close out their second set w/ Johnny B. Goode for a second time.  At my traditional stomping grounds... Star Lake.

7/13/2016 First Niagara Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
I: Jam > Hell in a Bucket, Bertha, Liberty > Maggie's Farm, Cold Rain and Snow > Looks Like Rain, Row Jimmy > Throwing Stones
 
II: Shakedown Street > Uncle John's Band > All Along the Watchtower > China Cat Sunflower > I Know You Rider > Drums > Space > Black Peter > Johnny B. Goode
 
E: In the Midnight Hour
 
Crazy setlist.  Really kept you guessing.


Grateful Dead:

04-08-89, Riverfront Coliseum, Cincinnati, OH
10-22-89, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
07-08-90, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA
09-07-90, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-08-90, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-18-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-20-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-21-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
06-09-91, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
06-14-91, RFK Stadium, Washington, D.C.
06-21-91, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
06-24-91, Sandstone Amphitheatre, Bonner Springs, KS
09-04-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-05-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-06-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-06-92, Rich Stadium, Orchard Park, NY
06-08-92, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-09-92, Richifeld Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-11-92, Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, NY
06-12-92, Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, NY
06-14-92, Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
06-15-92, Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
06-17-92, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
06-18-92, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
06-20-92, RFK Stadium, Washington, D.C.
06-22-92, Star Lake Amphiteatre, Burgettstown, PA
06-23-92, Star Lake Amphiteatre, Burgettstown, PA
06-25-92, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
06-26-92, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
07-01-92, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
03-14-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-17-93, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-18-93, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
06-11-93, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
06-18-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-21-93, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN
06-22-93, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN ^
09-09-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-10-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-20-94, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-21-94, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
07-29-94, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
03-17-95, The Spectrum, Philadelphia, PA
06-30-95, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA
07-02-95, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN*


* - no ticket, crashed the gate
^ - played Johnny B. Goode
 
 
Bob Weir:
 
Bob Weir, 7-19-91, I.C. Light Amphitheatre, Pittsburgh, PA
Bob Weir, 8-31-92, I.C. Light Amphitheatre, Pittsburgh, PA
Ratdog & Phil Lesh, 7-18-01, Polaris Amphitheater, Columbus, OH
Ratdog & Rusted Root, 8-12-01, Post Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
The Other Ones, 11-29-02, Mellon Arena, Pittsburgh, PA
The Dead, Bob Dylan, 8-6-03, Germain Amphitheater, Columbus, OH
Dead & Company, 11-13-15, Nationwide Arena, Columbus, OH
Dead & Company, 8-13-16, First Niagara Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
Dead & Company, 6-15-17, KeyBank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
Dead & Company, 6-28-17, Blossom Music Center, Cleveland, OH
Dead & Company, 6-20-18, Blossom Music Center, Cleveland, OH
Dead & Company, 7-5-19, Folsom Field, Boulder, CO
Dead & Company, 7-6-19, Folsom Field, Boulder, CO

Please do not share this material with Governor Ron DeSantis (R-FL) and/or friends of his... like fellow Representative Matt Gaetz (R-FL)... who will soon be charged with child sex trafficking, statutory rape, and Dog knows what else.  Hint: Bestiality.


#364. Call Elise

If you live in the Burgh, and have any sort of pulse for local information, there are two distinct, omnipresent commercial jingles which saturate the local radio and cable TV affiliates.

Molyneaux --- Get to know Molyneaux (carpeting, tile, anything flooring related)

Gallice --- Call Gallice (heating, air conditioning, anything home temperature related)

 



Call Elise
sonofsaf

 

Call Gallice
unknown
 

 

I'm hereby issuing a formal request to my yinzer brethren.  Instead of calling Gallice, may I humbly suggest that you call Elise and extend a heartfelt congratulations.  In case you've been living under the vacant Hard Rock at Station Square, Elise Stefanik (R-NY) will soon replace Liz Cheney (R-WY) as the Republican Conference Chair.

  
Photo-op desperately needs more flags.  Not patriotic enough.  Must hate Lee Greenwood... god and country.


 

Stefanik pledges her colonic fealty to the Orange Prolapse

 

So get on the horn and tell this Republicunt just how much you love her.  Shower her with golden adoration.


Washington, DC Office

Phone: (202) 225-4611
 

Glens Falls Office

Phone: (518) 743-0964

Plattsburgh Office

Phone: (518) 561-2324

Watertown Office

Phone: (315) 782-3150


Statement of fact: Trump is the ultimate "trainwreck buffoon" in the annals (and anals) of history.

Statement of opinion: But I'm guessing he's aware that the definitive judgement regarding his presidential legacy will come in 2024 at the Republican National Convention.  Years later, if the Republican party is still obsessed with DJT, he will have succeeded.  There will always be plenty of inner-party squabbling, wrangling, maneuvering.  And maybe even a splinter faction of conservatives like Mitt Romney and Liz Cheney who "break away" and go the Independent route or establish a new party entirely (In which case it will need a name.  I'm currently thinking the "Truth Party."  Simple and straightforward)

However, the ultimate litmus test comes in prime time at the 2024 convention.  If it's all still about Trump and the related cultism/hero worship, then half of the country will view him as one of the greatest, most consequential presidents in the history of the United States.  And he will have succeeded.

Statement of fact:  Despite the reality that he is the complete and utter embodiment of an Orange Prolapse.  

From the standpoint of a political junkie like myself, I find all of this "frighteningly fascinating."

Feel free to share this information with Elise Stefanik (R-NY) and/or former President Donald J. Trump.


Saturday, May 08, 2021

#363. Bob

 Take a wild guess as to who used to be a principle owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates.   

Bing Crosby!  The famous singer and Hollywood actor was part-owner of the Pirates from 1946 until his death in 1977.  Yep, he owned a whopping 1% of the team.  And lest ye forget, during that time frame they won two World Series.

Nowadays, the key to success is primarily a function of Bob Nutting garden gnomes, amusing perogi nicknames (pronounced per-oh-HE!), and not losing in excess of 100 games.  Last year, in the shortened Covid season, they finished dead last (19-41) in their division... as well as dead last in the league.  Suffice it to say, the Buccos are dead.

Well, I have a plan to resurrect them.  It's grounded in the Big Bing Theory.  All that is Bing.  CMU physics night featuring Dr. Sheldon Cooper.  Sopranos night starring strip club owner Silvio Dante and the Bing dancers.  And Bing search engine night (Google go fuck yourself).

Most important, we exhume the casket of Bing Crosby and display it on the Riverwalk.



Bob
sonofsaf

Billion dollar man’s so heartfelt, so heartfelt looks like an elf
Like an elf he could be gay Keebler cookie bullshit to believe
He’s the one all knowing and shows the one percent is not that poor
The crush asphyxiation Keebler cookie bullshit to believe

Billion dollar’s the way instead
It’s his Mister Baseball con
I gave him many lectures Keebler cookie bullshit to believe
Embraced me fiscally, but in no way radically
Oh, the consternation Keebler cookie bullshit to believe

Billion dollar man’s so heartfelt, so heartfelt looks like an elf
Like an elf he could be gay Keebler cookie bullshit to believe
Rock, he is delightful; Oh, the people’s elbow will
Me, a stampede attack Keebler cookie bullshit to believe


Bob
Primus

I had a friend that took a belt, took a belt and hung himself
Hung himself in the doorway of the apartment where he lived
His woman and his little bro came home from the grocery store
Only to find him dangling in the apartment where he lived

I had a friend who shaved his head
Put his Doctor Martins on
And drew such wondrous pictures in the apartment where he lived
He praised my creativity, though he spoke sarcastically
Oh, the conversations in the apartment where he lived

I had a friend that took a belt, took a belt and hung himself
Hung himself in the doorway of the apartment where he lived
Rock, she thought him spiteful; Ler, he thought him pitiful
Me, I've never been back to the apartment where he lived



Confession:  This particular parody turned out a bit "offensively creepy" and "morbidly esoteric."  But what can you do?  I just write the damn things.

Primus:

7-21-93, Star Lake Amphitheater, Burgettstown, PA (Lollapalooza)

3-14-98, Wynona's Big Brown Beaver Dome, Monaca, PA

6-22-99, Star Lake Amphitheater, Burgettstown, PA (Lollapalooza)

5-22-12, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

4-14-15, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

7-30-17, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

11-2-17, Goodyear Theatre, Akron, OH

6-8-18, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

Please do not share this material with Pittsburgh Pirates owner Bob Nutting and/or any descendents of the late Bing Crosby.


#362. Block The Vote

Another parody regarding voter suppression.  One day, when I get my way, and impose my will upon mankind, the public will be afforded universal voting rights in ways they never knew existed.  Hint:  Type A-.


 


Block The Vote
sonofsaf

We’re gonna stop the steal, for the duration
Yeah gonna stop the steal, for the duration
(To block the vote), don't block the vote maybe

, don't turn the vote over
(Block the vote), don't block the vote maybe
(Block the vote)

I don’t wish to live in Afghanistan
He who casts the first stone is the one who’s sinned
Why you wanna limit voting opportunity
You always impact my race with your impunity

You think it’s really hip to be boastin’
Our civil rights can lead to a flood of blood and commotion
We’re gonna stop the steal, for the duration
Yeah gonna stop the steal, for the duration

, don't turn the vote over
(Block the vote), don't turn the vote over
(Block the vote), don't block the vote maybe
(Block the vote)

It’s easy to see this ain’t the norm
Election’s a sack of shit best you conform
Oh, you’ll go to any length that thing you do
Suppression is like smear the queer, what have you got to lose
(You think it’s really hip to be boastin’)

Our civil rights can lead to a flood of blood and commotion
We’re gonna stop the steal, for the duration
Yeah gonna stop the steal, for the duration
We’re gonna stop the steal, for the duration
Yeah gonna stop the steal, for the duration
(To block the vote), don't block the vote maybe
(Block the vote), don't turn the vote over
(Block the vote), don't block the vote maybe
(Block the vote), don't turn the vote over

ooh-ooh
(Block the vote) rock it for you, maybe
(Block the vote) rock it for you, maybe
(Block the vote) rock it for you, maybe
(Block the vote)
(Block the vote)
(Block the vote)
(Block the vote)
(Block the vote)
(Block the vote)
(Block the vote)
(Block the vote)
(Block the vote)
(Block the vote)
(Block the vote)
(Block the vote)
(Block the vote)
(Block the vote)

 

Rock The Boat
The Hues Corporation

So I'd like to know where, you got the notion
Said I'd like to know where, you got the notion
(To rock the boat), don't rock the boat baby

, don't tip the boat over
(Rock the boat), don't rock the boat baby
(Rock the boat)

Ever since our voyage of love began
Your touch has thrilled me like the rush of the wind
And your arms have held me safe from a rolling sea
There's always been a quiet place to harbor you and me

Our love is like a ship on the ocean
We've been sailing with a cargo full of love and devotion
So I'd like to know where, you got the notion
Said I'd like to know where, you got the notion

, don't rock the boat baby
(Rock the boat), don't tip the boat over
(Rock the boat), don't rock the boat baby
(Rock the boat)

Up to now we sailed through every storm
And I've always had your tender lips to keep me warm
Oh, I need to have the strength that flows from you
Don't let me drift away my dear, when love can see me through
(Our love is like a ship on the ocean)

We've been sailing with a cargo full of love and devotion
So I'd like to know where, you got the notion
Said I'd like to know where, you got the notion
So I'd like to know where, you got the notion
Said I'd like to know where, you got the notion
(To rock the boat), don't rock the boat baby
(Rock the boat), don't tip the boat over
(Rock the boat), don't rock the boat, baby
(Rock the boat), don't tip the boat over

ooh-ooh
(Rock the boat) rock on with you, baby
(Rock the boat) rock on with you, baby
(Rock the boat) rock on with you, baby
(Rock the boat)
(Rock the boat)
(Rock the boat)
(Rock the boat)
(Rock the boat)
(Rock the boat)
(Rock the boat)
(Rock the boat)
(Rock the boat)
(Rock the boat)
(Rock the boat)
(Rock the boat)
(Rock the boat)
(Rock the boat)




Never seen The Hues Corporation.   Until today, I never knew the name of the band who sang "Rock the Boat."  Closest I've come is watching this sexy disco scene from Carlito's Way.

Please do not share this information with people who willfully engage in acts of voter suppression.


#361. Vote On

Lots of stories about Republican state legislatures passing voter suppression bills.  Georgia, Florida, Texas, and so on and so forth.  

Well, you know what they say?  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Naturally, that means I'll be donating a significant percentage of my life savings to the Donald J. Trump Election Defense and Integrity Fund.  What other solution is there?  Must donate... NOW!  #OrangeProlapse2024

 


 

Vote On
sonofsaf

I want to vote but I cannot vote just stay away
Well, cough to get off, is something that they say
Republicans are way out of touch, oh, why do they pray
Well, you coughed to get off and continued to pray

So we’ll all vote on, and pray
So we’ll all vote on, and pray
So we’ll all vote on, and pray
And we'll all vote on what the hey, well

Republicans perpetuating crimes is the plan
They are the shit that’s stained with the blood of the lamb
Fake news dumb, aren’t you sorry ‘bout the Orange Prolapse man
Fake news that jerk has too many fans
Our votes were suppressed in the exact same way
Well, this vote con, looks like it’s here to stay

So we’ll all vote on, and pray
So we’ll all vote on, and pray
So we’ll all vote on, and pray
And we'll all vote on, that’s right

Hold steady, we'll all vote on
No, they’re not sorry, we'll all vote on, hold tight
Hold steady, we'll all vote on, hold tight
Not sorry, we'll all vote on

Hold tight, hold steady
And we'll all vote on, hold tight
Hold steady, we'll all vote on, hold tight
Not sorry, even if things end up like shit
Not many, we'll all vote on, hold tight

Hold steady, we'll all vote on hold tight
Hold steady, we'll all vote on, and pray
Not sorry, even if there ain’t many
We'll all vote on, hold tight

Hold steady, we'll all vote on (hold tight)
No, they’re not sorry, we'll all vote on (hold tight)
We'll all vote on 


Float On
Modest Mouse

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well, he just drove off, sometimes life's okay
I ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh, what did I say?
Well, you just laughed it off and it was all okay

And we'll all float on, okay
And we'll all float on, okay
And we'll all float on, okay
And we'll all float on anyway, well

A fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam
It was worth it just to learn some sleight of hand
Bad news comes, don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on exactly the same day
Well, we'll float on, good news is on the way

And we'll all float on, okay
And we'll all float on, okay
And we'll all float on, okay
And we'll all float on, alright

Already, we'll all float on
No, don't you worry, we'll all float on, alright
Already, we'll all float on, alright
Don't worry, we'll all float on

Alright, already
And we'll all float on, alright
Already, we'll all float on, alright
Don't worry, even if things end up a bit
Too heavy, we'll all float on, alright

Already, we'll all float on alright
Already, we'll all float on, okay
Don't worry, even if things get heavy
We'll all float on, alright

Already, we'll all float on (alright)
No, don't you worry, we'll all float on (alright)
We'll all float on



Pretty sure I've never seen the humble mice.  However, I do have a distant memory of hearing "Float On" from outside Stage AE.  I think they may have been an opening up act for someone.  Could have been a dream.  Not quite sure.  I do not know.

Please do not share this material with members of the Republican party who wish to ignorantly and deliberately suppress the right to vote.


Friday, May 07, 2021

#360. Duggar Me

Thirty three year old Josh Duggar was just released from an Arkansas jail pending his trial this summer.   This comes a week after he was arrested on child pornography charges.  An investigator said alleged images found on Duggar's computer was 'top five of the worst I’ve ever had to examine.'

(I hereby assign Josh the nickname "Dig Dug"... after that relatively boring arcade game from the early 80's)



 

Duggar Me
sonofsaf

The porn is rough now, just getting rougher
This new girls are tough, they’re just getting tougher
Duggar me, cum on my tits, Duggar me
Well I'm downloading some porno where they cum for din and Duggar me
My hard drive maybe is what’s causing’ this fuss
The animal farms, let's get bestial and such
Duggar me, fuck a whore and Duggar me
Well I'm downloading some porno where they cum for din and Duggar me

I love the pain, punishment show
My anticipation’s growing
The black and white, what’s in store
I keep downloading more and more

All this porno is out there look at all ‘dem whores
I can’t get enough it’s better when it’s so hardcore
Duggar me, cum on me Duggar me
Well I'm downloading some porno where they cum for din and Duggar me
I'm downloading some porno where they cum for din and Duggar me


Cover Me
Bruce Springsteen

The times are tough now, just getting tougher
This old world is rough, it's just getting rougher
Cover me, come on baby, cover me
Well I'm looking for a lover who will come on in and cover me
Promise me baby you won't let them find us
Hold me in your arms, let's let our love blind us
Cover me, shut the door and cover me
Well I'm looking for a lover who will come on in and cover me

Outside's the rain, the driving snow
I can hear the wild wind blowing
Turn out the light, bolt the door
I ain't going out there no more

This whole world is out there just trying to score
I've seen enough I don't want to see any more
Cover me, come on and cover me
I'm looking for a lover who will come on in and cover me
Looking for a lover who will come on in and cover me 



Bruce Springsteen:

10-27-12, Soldiers and Sailors Memorial Hall and Museum,  Pittsburgh, PA

10-27-12, Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA

4-22-14, Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA

1-16-16, Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA

9-11-16, Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA

Since 1973, Bruce Springsteen has played in the city of Pittsburgh 37 times.  Just about every sized venue conceivable.  From Schenley Plaza in Oakland and Nick's Fat City on the South Side... all the way up to Three Rivers Stadium and PNC Park.  In honor of Josh Duggar's recent arrest, I'll be working on another Springsteen parody... Porn in the U.S.A.  It's sure to be a big hit.  Any other "boss" ideas that link Springsteen and Dig Dug with internet porn, drop me a line.

Please do not share this material with Josh Duggar and/or any of his 19 siblings.  Not to mention his wife Anna (who's pregnant with their 7th child) and his own kids: Maryella Hope, 17 months, Mason Garrett, 3, Meredith Grace, 5, Marcus Anthony, 7, Michael James, 9, and Mackynzie Renée, 11.


#359. Nutting Else Matters

I have yet to attend a Buccos game post-Covid.  But as the fans begin trickling back into PNC Park, I've found myself somewhat, shall we say, "slightly inspired and mildly reinvigorated."


 

Nutting Else Matters
sonofsaf

Owner, doesn’t take us far
Building back better from the start
He comes from Wheeling in a car
And Nutting else matters

Never told the fans he’s gay
Planet Mars, not too far away
Smear your turds, engage scat play
And Nutting else matters

Buccos weak you spend like a Jew
Mazel Tov TV rights accrue
Open ass show your prolapse too
And Nutting else matters

Never shared my revenue
Never shared some of my dough
Oh I blow

Owner, doesn’t take us far
Building back better from the start
He comes from Wheeling in a car
And Nutting else matters

Never shared my revenue
Never shared some of my dough
Oh I blow

Never told the fans he’s gay
Planet Mars, not too far away
Smear your turds, engage scat play
And Nutting else matters

Buccos weak you spend like a Jew
Mazel Tov TV rights accrue
Open ass show your prolapse too
And Nutting else matters

Never shared my take home pay
Never cared Bob’s here to stay
Never shared my revenue
Never shared some of my dough
And I blow, yeah, yeah

Owner, doesn’t take us far
Building back better from the start
He comes from Wheeling in a car
And Nutting else matters


Nothing Else Matters
Metallica

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words, I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close, no matter how far
It couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

I never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words, I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know, yeah, yeah

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters




Metallica:

6-15-88, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA

6-22-88, Rubber Bowl, Akron, OH

11-18-88, Cincinnati Gardens, Cincinnati, OH 

4-16-89, Hara Arena, Dayton, OH

3-26-97, Civic Arena, Pittsburgh, PA 

10-18-18, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

So in my 50 years of existence, how many Pittsburgh Pirates games have I attended?  Interesting question.  I'd likely say somewhere in the neighborhood of 211.  The superior question is how many games have I attended from start to finish?  Probably about 7.

How many times have I verbally engaged Pirates owner Bob Nutting?  Oh, about a dozen or so.  That's despite my repetitive insistence that he be more forthcoming about emergency evacuation protocol, fan safety and ballpark security.  

This specific gesticulation best encapsulates my personal encounters with the hillbilly billionaire.

Just for the record, Bob's always been pleasant.  But truth be told, really doesn't give a shit.

How much money have I spent on tickets?  Hmm, I'd estimate a grand total of maybe $47.00.  How much have I spent on merchandise?  Well, I once bought a Bucco flag for a couple bucks from a vendor outside.  Ended up gluing a bunch of Jolly Rancher cellophane candy wrappers all over it.  So in the unlikely event of a victory, I could literally and physically raise the "Jolly Rancher."  It's gotten rave reviews.

How much money have I made buying/reselling/scalping Pirates tickets?  Probably in the neighborhood of $3,500.  Steelers games... definitely closer to the 10K mark.

How much have I spent on food and beverages inside the ballpark.  Well, I almost always get a Primanti's sandwich or a hot dog or something.  And sometimes a beer.  Which translates into about $15 - $20.  So I'd estimate about 3 G's.  That's 3 large, 3 dimes, 3 boxes of ziti, whatever.  

How many times have I paid for parking?  I can only recall one occasion where I footed the bill.  A friend drove and parked in the premium gold lot diagonal to the home plate entrance.  Just for the record, when it comes to parking for the Pirates or Steelers, I always park on the North Side in the exclusive Giant Eagle bus stop spot a/k/a the "island in the sun."  

If you steal my spot, I'll key your car.  Consider yourself warned.

Please do not share this material with Pirates owner Bob Nutting.