Wednesday, December 31, 2008

foosball move

Yesterday I had a blast from the past. In the late 1990's during my tenure at Oglebay Village, I had a neighbor on the opposite end of my 6 unit apt. complex. I'll refrain from mentioning his name due to the sensitive nature of this post. This moron would constantly be working on his broken down car. The car functioned for maybe 8 days out of an entire year. Not the most efficient way to spend ones time. But he'd always be out there tinkering with it. Oil stains reminiscent of the Caspian Sea were a constant eyesore. He would commit to battle with an abundance of cheap cat litter, but usually fail miserably. In fact, the car itself, was an assemblage of different parts. I think it was a Mitsubishi Eclipse.
This guy, let's call him Jambalaya, fell in love with an attractive neighbor, which infuriated her live-in boyfriend. Jambalaya (he's not black, but a rather diminutive, slightly elfish white man) would always try to get her attention. Whether it be trying to trying to strike up a conversation on the way to the laundry room or asking her for a stick of margarine.
Jambalaya's apartment was almost entirely barren with the exception of a few chairs, a 19" tv and a stereo system. He'd often crank up the stereo and pretty much annoy the living fuck out of everyone. The same kinds of tunes over and over. Stuff like AC/DC - You Shook Me All Night Long, Foghat - Slowride, and newer Aerosmith were his usual selections. You see.
Jambalaya would have occasional run-ins with the police. Basically, he would drunkenly call 911 about once a month threatening to kill himself. Then, he'd take a bunch of pills. The cops would show up but couldn't get in the apartment because the door was locked and he was passed out. Sometimes, they'd have to call the landlady and get her to open up the door. Regrettably, this became routine - kind of like Andy Dufrane getting prison raped in Shawshank Redemption. My neighbor Dunkle and I would refer to Jambalaya as "suicide man." In fact, most everyone would refer to him as suicide man. A bit morbid perhaps, but there was always some degree of confusion as to what exactly his name was. Kind of like not knowing whether a guy is named Ronald or Donald, so everyone calls him McDonalds.
Anyway, yesterday I was at a dive bar downtown and saw this moron out of the corner of my eye. It had been almost a decade. We did not make speak or even make eye contact but it did evoke an extremely fond memory. Allow me to take this stroll. I beg of you...
My neighbor Dunkle and I would play a great deal of foosball. We'd make up lots of names for a wide variety of shots (Longshanks, I-70, patent, Ching Wa, R&D, Stinkface, - the list is truly endless and many of these terms are still widely used to this day). One day, after a stunning come-from-behind victory, Dunkle began to dance around the foosball table while singing "Two suicide men go round the outside, round the outside." This was a particularly joyous song and dance - he ripped off the Eminem song that starts off "Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside." For a brief moment, I was overcome with emotion as we linked arms in some kind of Oglebay Village Boot, Scoot and Boogie Hoe-down. Ohh, we celebrated like liberated Iraqis witnessing the destruction of Saddam's statue.
Just goes to show you how precious life is and even if you don't think your life has any merit, you might not truly understand the impact you have on others. "Two suicide men go round the outside, round the outside." Indeed, they certainly do. From this day forth, whenever I eat Jambalaya, see a broken down Eclipse or hear that shitty Foghat song, I'll reflect on Suicide Man and think wonderful thoughts.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

text messaging

I know. I know. Saf, you've got to get on board. There's a technological revolution going on and you're not a part of it. It's not only informative, but it's so much fun! It's called texting! Yessssss!
A few days ago, I received about 6 text messages that all said the exact same thing - "MERRY CHRISTMAS." Aside from the fact that I'm hardcore atheist Jew, I have no idea what purpose this serves. Is it supposed to fill my heart with joy? The idea that someone took 20 seconds to type a standard, generic greeting and then hit the SEND ALL button. Am I supposed to reply to these things? Does it really help anyone if I type "GO STEELERS" and send it to everyone, including my ailing great aunt who's on a respirator in a nursing home in Chattanooga? Don't worry, no such person exists, but I think you get the drift.
I just don't get the excitement of it all. Why do people find this course of action so compelling? What do they hope to achieve? It's almost on the same level as those email chain letters - copy this message about a "mayonnaise angel" that miraculously appeared in my fucking ham'n'swiss sandwich. And lest you be condemned to eternal damnation if thou dost not send it to everyone in thy inbox. Fuck this shit.
What's even more comical is when there's a woman sitting alone in a bar frantically texting someone. They stare deep into the heart of their I-Phone and furiously hit every button conceivable in a desperate attempt to conceal the fact that they have no life. I know, it's crazy. They're trying to pretend that the weight of the world is upon their shoulders as they tediously text away. You'd better not even say hi. Human contact is of no relevance. They must finish the message. Everything depends on it. My mother must be kept fully apprised of how bad my cramps are. I need to tell my brother in Colorado that I'm so stuffed after eating 2 Big Macs.
So here's the deal. You might think it's harmless and fun to text everyone "HAPPY NEW YEAR" tomorrow at midnight. I'll have an instantaneous, lengthy response drafted, saved and ready to reply....

Fuck you, scum. The message you just sent is entirely devoid of human interest. Your attempt to generate false enthusiasm is typical of your desire to embrace AMATEUR NIGHT. Here's a New Years resolution for you. Stick that cell phone up your ass. Lemiwinks wants to text everyone...

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Festival of Shit

For roughly a decade I lived in a sprawling apartment complex called Oglebay Village. For those unfamiliar with The Village, it is an extensive network of federally subsidized apartments (HUD) built during the Reagan administration. It's roughly 150 apartments on about 3 acres of very expensive land. It's actually surrounded by a 5 star Arnold Palmer golf course and in close proximity to Oglebay Park as well as some of the nicest houses in Wheeling. I don't have any statistics, but this place must be one of the nicest HUD developments in the entire United States.
During the winter months, Oglebay Park proudly welcomes every grandma imaginable for what they call "The Festival of Lights." People drive from distant locations like Zanesville, Cambridge and Akron just for the opportunity to sit in traffic for 4 hours and witness this spectacle. I can sum up the entire experience in one sentence - Granny and Pap Pap saw giant candy cane. Yep, that's about it.
Now here's the deal. About 3 nights a year, the place would be a total zoo. For some reason, everyone comes on the same day. Usually the nights before Thanksgiving and Christmas. The traffic creeps along at the pace of a Golden Girls reunion tv special. There'd always be a line of cars on rt. 88 turning into the Speidel golf club. I would take this opportunity to exact revenge. I'd come flying directly at them, nailing my horn and flashing my brights. Sometimes I'd even spray my windshield wiper fluid just to get the full effect. This must have been terrifying because they probably had no idea I was turning onto Pogues Run Road. I'm sure I spoiled many visits to Oglebay and probably made people come to question our town's moniker as "The Friendly City."
Saf, why would you hate the Festival of Lights? Well, a tour bus once ran me off the road and I blew a tire. I decided that someone would have to pay even though I had no way of knowing which tour bus company was responsible. So for an entire month I took down the name of every tour bus that I saw in Oglebay. I then sent a standardized letter to about 30 companies demanding restitution with a xeroxed copy of the bill for the tire. The result was a major success. 3 companies immediately zipped me off checks for $80. About 5 wanted me to call them and/or provide further details. And the rest just ignored me. $240 - not too shabby.
My old roommate Alex and I wanted to build our own lighting display. Hidden in the distance, it would be set on a timer and light up for about 5 seconds every hour. The message would be a simple one - FUCK YOU. That shit has the makings of a real urban legend. But, it lagged in the formative planning stages and never really got off the ground.
I guess I just don't like these giant Kmart inflatable Santa Clauses and plastic reindeer ensembles. Just doesn't do it for me. And in the words of Frank Costanza, "I find tinsel distracting." Back in the Village days, we hung an inverted Christmas tree from the ceiling and decorated it with beer cans. Now, that's what I call bad ass. The tip of the tree was about 1 inch from the floor. Perfect fit.
Aside from the fact that I have no holiday spirit, I think there's a bigger issue. I've just never been one to enjoy premeditated holiday enthusiasm. Perhaps if I was a fellatio recipient under the mistletoe. Perhaps.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

list #3

Peanut Delight No Melt Suet - I've never been an aspiring ornithologist, but a few years ago my friend Ken turned me onto bird watching. I'm hardly an expert but I have developed a minor appreciated for our feathered friends. It's well worth the 30 bucks a year to throw out some bird seed. Plus, I get an occasional squirrel altercation. This suet is the best because it doesn't leave a filmy substance on your fingers. I have no interest in whether the birds prefer the suet that costs an extra 20 cents. They should appreciate my limited generosity during an economic recession.

Michelina's Budget Gourmet Angel Hair Pasta in Meat Sauce - This could possibly be the best frozen pasta. You can only get it at Reisbecks. For some reason they sell every variety at Krogers and Walmart with the exception of this one. Kind of ironic since it blows everything else away. 5 grams of fat - relatively healthy for one of those cheapo dollar pasta things.

Lone Star Beef Jerky - Hands down, the best beef jerky. Only available at the Claysville Exxon and well worth the trip. People eat some disgusting stuff when it comes to the realm of beef jerky. That Jack-Links stuff is atrocious despite having the best tv commercial of the year. The one where those guys are tormenting sasquatch on the golf course and then he assaults their golf cart. Hysterical. Slim Jim products are really disgusting and if you aren't feeling just a little embarrassed when you look into the eyes of the cashier as she scans the oily meatlike product, you have my deepest sympathies. How could a normal person emotionally rebound from something so traumatic, especially knowing that you brought this conundrum upon yourself? Honestly, we all have free will. We all make choices of our own volition. There's no reason to put yourself in a position like that. I can only envision one scenario where it would be marginally acceptable and that's if you suffer from some degree of mental retardation.

Water - I think the best brand of bottled water is Crystal Geyser. Nestle Pure Life, Roxane and Ice Mountain are decent choices as well. I'm unable to fathom why anyone would purchase Dasani. The stuff tastes like they added a ton of chemicals. I'm not sure what it is but you can really taste the iron. Perhaps it's some kind of zinc with just a hint of magnesium. I do not know.

...more consumer advice will be forthcoming.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

list #2

I can't believe I neglected to mention my other favorite soup. Oprah would frown. This Annie Chun Udon Soup Bowl is bad ass. You just need to add real meat (chicken, beef or shrimp) and vegetables (they encourage shitake mushrooms and bok choy - I concur). I'm also an admirer of the packaging. All the ingredients combine to create what the Japanese refer to as UMAMI - that ultimately delicious state when complex flavors attain perfection.

By the way, the reason I write these lists... it's called "for the betterment of fucking humanity." I truly believe that if you go to Walmart and purchase the Annie Chun Udon soup, your existence could dramatically improve or at the very least, be somewhat enhanced. That's why we're here. If you find this discourse uninformative, then in the words of a proud Wheeling Station wild teen, "Talk to wrist, because the fist is pissed!" Honestly though, I think if you go out and purchase all this shit, you'll become a better human being.

IZZE fortified (sparkling pomegranate) - This stuff is exorbitantly priced, but if you're willing to take the plunge, I will jump in as well. It's basically some kind of pomegranate fruit juice/tonic. Makes a great gin mix in absence of tonic. Add a wedge of lime, ho. I just decided to see where the stuff comes from - Boulder, Co. That about sums it up. Boulder is complete bad ass. Its only blemish is when Mork and Mindy had the giant adult baby. Unacceptable, but Izze helps.

Gotta go.


There's always a late surge of holiday shopping around this time, so here is a list of products and services I heartily endorse...

Crest Pro-Health Mouthwash (Refreshing clean mint) - Make sure to get the blue colored, not the green crap. Manufactured and distributed by Proctor & Gamble. They're headquartered in..... Cincinnati, Ohio.

Grandpa's Oven Santa Fe Snack Mix - This stuff is totally hidden on the bottom shelf of Walmart in the snack aisle. You've really got to keep your eyes open or you'll never find it. Very spicy for an over-the-counter snack mix.

Kit & Kaboodle Original Medley cat food - Meowee loves this stuff and I can't stand the smell of canned animal food. The worst is that Mighty Dog shit - all varieties.

Exxon gasoline - I just don't trust the Kroger brand gas even though it might be the same. I don't like the idea of getting gas at Sheetz either (local ownership issues). Although I do love the fact that it's a total eyesore for the church across the street. This area could really use a high end Chevron, not that cruddy one near Rayland.

Don Lucianno Cabernet Sauvignon - This is, hands down, the best cheap wine I've ever come across. $3.76 a bottle at Walmart. Their merlot is good too. Far superior to the $2.99 Oak winery procucts. All those "oak" wines are all the fucking same - they just change the label. Red Oaks, Trinity Oaks, Five Oaks, Oak Glen, Oak Ass, Oak-kay.

Sierra Nevada Chileno Peppers - My compliments to Uncle Ben for turning me onto this stuff. These are the best peppers I've ever eaten. Not found locally so you've got to get them off the website ( Order them on your own. I put in an order with Ben and it took 3 months and even worse, he claimed several times I never paid for them. An exceptional degree of spice - you get the perfect variety of zing but not enough to cause heartburn which brings us to the ultimate over-the-counter miracle drug...

... which is Prilosec. I use to have insane heartburn. I'd pop an absurd amount of Rolaids back in my hey-day (sp?). I think it's even healed my corroded esophageal lining. F to the mother fuckin' A! Spend the extra dollar and get the name brand stuff, not the Equate/generic Omeprazole. There really is a difference.

Canada Dry Ginger Ale - Schweppes is a decent substitute. Do not buy Seagrams and under no circumstance whatsoever purchase the Varner's crap. Disgusting.

Cascade 2in1 Action Pacs with the power of DAWN (any scent is good, but I've recently gone with Cirtrs Breeze) - These little dishwashing pouches have revolutionized the dish cleansing process. Anybody who uses those large containers of dishwashing fluid is a complete fucking idiot. It's time to step into the 90's. Jenn D. gets all the credit for showing me the way.

Brummel and Brown - Kudos to Lee Stalnaker/Roberts. She told me to try it and my life was altered. Inevitably, irrevocably altered. There was a time in the early 90's where I used Parkay. I could still go back, but it would be a difficult transition.

Top Flite XL - I've never played well with anything Titliest. I love Slazenger but can't ever seem to find them. When golfers say the word "Noodle," I get mildly annoyed.

Walmart brand Ruby Red Grapefruit juice - This is the best juice on the market and it's attractively priced at $2.00. I'll never understand why anyone would pay extra for Ocean Spray which, aside from being overpriced, is way too fucking sweet.

Starbucks Columbian brand (medium) - Always a safe choice. Do not serve me any of that mocha or spiced faggot coffee whipped cream shit. I'm not of those emo coffee drinking fucks. I drink my coffee black. No half'n'half, no sugar, no mint, nothing.

Dove soap - These people really know how to make a great bar of soap. Not positive, but I assume it's another P&G product. My father is a retired dermatologist so this is of extra importance. Neutragena products SUCK. They leave you feeling sticky and slightly despondent. It feels like you were a car that just got poorly waxed.

Mrs. Grass chicken noodle soup - the best of the chicken soup powdered ilk. Great hangover product because of the respectable salt concentration. If I'm going the canned route - it's all about Progresso Zesty Chicken Gumbo. Either way, you're a winner.

Coke - Never get it in a plastic bottle. Hard to fathom why, but Coke in a can just tastes better.

I'd also like to recommend the low fat versions of Hillshire Farms Polska Kielbasa and, Marzetti's Light Ranch Dip. Once again, one of those oddities. The regular, more fattening versions, just aren't as tasty.

Alright, I must go to the 19th Ho to watch the second half of the Steelers/Titans game.

Friday, December 19, 2008

NFL playoff sheet

I have decided to do another NFL playoff football sheet this year. Basically you just track your winners through the brackets: 1 point for each correct wildcard: 2 points for divisional: 3 for championship: 4 for Superbowl. Superbowl point total is the tiebreaker, regardless of who plays (I know, not the most scientific, and it probably won't be needed anyway).
Make sure you understand the seeding if you pick an upset. It will all be spelled out on the sheet and I"m pretty observant about making sure nobody fucks it up.
5 buck entry fee. Winner take all. I'm predicting 38 entries which puts the payout at $190 - Just a guess. I only have a week to get it done, so it largely depends on who I run into.
I'd say about 60% the people who participate will enjoy the experience. About 25% will not even give a remote fuck. 10% will do it just so I leave them alone. 5% will make poor picks and annoyingly complain about the outcome to anyone who will listen regardless of the fact that it's only 5 bucks.
I haven't decided if I will participate. I probably will and offer a copy of my pics on my blog or for verification purposes.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

local holiday food advice

Way back when, this used to be a restaurant review blog. Over the course of three years, I've touched on a few topics - local dining, concert reviews, political observations and some religious bullshit. Well, in a special sonofsaf holiday tribute, I will harkin back to my earliest roots. People often approach me and say, "SAF, WHERE'S THE MEATLOAF? WE WANT IT NOW! SAF, THE MEATLOAF! FUCK!" Truth be told, I can't think of any place in Wheeling to order award-winning meatloaf. However, I thought to myself - Saf (that's actually how I silently refer to myself in my own head) - as I was saying, Saf, maybe you should make up a list of Wheeling culinary delights. That way, if someone wants to know where to get great cole slaw, I'll be able to acces the blog and say, "T.J's Sportsgarden is known for its famous cole slaw! It's deh-lish!" Yeah, like I would ever say anything so preposterous. Hell, I'm still encouraging people to puke in their popcorn machine. So anyway, without further adieu, here's the list...

I'll start with some of the more basics.

CHICKEN - I recently acquired salmonella poisoning, so I thought this would be the best place to start. The best chicken is easy to find. Go to Riesbeck's, the one in the Elm Grove Crossing Mall is good, but I imagine they're all the same. The one in St. C. is pretty nice. I'm not sure if anyone even goes to the one in deep Bridgeport. Riesbeck's has the best fried chicken in the area. Hands down. I don't know if it's because Grandma Riesbeck had a ghetto booty or what, but if ever asked to procure a bucket of fried chicken - it's off to Riesbeck's. Call ahead, asshole! They have superior grocery store brand chicken as well. Make sure you get Park Farms, not that Tyson nonsense and screw Roundy's brand or whatever they call themselves these days. As for frozen Banquet Fried TV Dinners - buy them if you're planning an extensive stay.... in an insane asylum. Disgusting.

STEAK - Where would I go get the best steak in the valley? Probably Outback, although Figaretti's serves up a great steak. Keep in mind, all these recommendations are based on a totality of factors, not just cost. If it was only about price, it's easy to just recommend the most expensive choice (this is actually a real mediculinary condition known as Lobsteritus; a tendency to order the most expensive item on the entire menu, generally the lobster). I try to take everything into consideration (atmosphere, service, cleanliness of the establishment, etc. blah).

SALAD - This one is way too easy. For a fantastic salad, there is only one option - The Metropolitan Grill. Sure, there's a potential for bizarre service and I once even saw some barefoot dumbshit in there, but all in all, you just can't get a better salad. All are freshly prepared and each deserves our praise and adulation. I've never ordered takeout but I'm imagine they've got it under control - a great way to avoid your typical shoeless West Virginia fuck.

PIZZA - It's borderline retarded to get into the never-ending "which Dicarlos is the best" debate for a few reasons. First, there pizza just really isn't that great. It's more of a novelty, kind of like Moondog Food. I grew up on the stuff and it's certainly edible but then again, so is a saltine slathered with tomato paste, sprinkled with mozz-a-mate. I'd probably say the best pizza is that Everything Pizza from DeFelice or the gourmet spinach pizza from Pizza Outlet/Vella's or whatever they call the place near the old GC Murphy building. You're probably thinking - didn't Defelice win the Best Pizza in the World competition a few years ago. Yep, they have the newspaper article on the wall. Not surprisingly, it from the Wheeling Intelligencer (an award winning publication in its own right). I'm still not sure if this Best Pizza in the Universe competition was properly sanctioned, but I have no proof otherwise. I would not go to Pizza Hut, but if you must, don't go to the one in Bridgeport. It's ALWAYS totally deserted. I was once exiting the Pizza Hut in Elm Grove and there was this older woman leaning against my Jeep Cherokee. She was eating some kind of fucking ham salad sandwich. There's maybe 4 cars in a 50 spot parking lot and she's eating her lunch on my car. Anyway, I looked at my buddy and said check this out. I hit the panic button and the horn starts blaring. She lurched forward and her sandwich went sailing. The horns on those Jeeps are LOUD. She looked at us and gave me the finger. I just calmly got in my car and drove off. And if you ever financially support Dominos Pizza in anyway whatsoever, thou shalt be gang raped by Al-Quada terrorists or at the very least, Taliban hardliners.

This is called getting back to the basics, or some might even say, takin' it to the streets. I'll be back soon with a rousing, invigorating discussion on some of the following: Ribs, fresh fruit (specifically fresh fucking pineapple), meatball subs, Chinese food and possibly salty snacks and/or chewing gum.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

food poisoning

God only knows why I would write about this. I got hit with a severe case of food poisoning on Wednesday afternoon. I had forgotten what it felt like. Last time I came down with this shit, I was in Ecuador with my mother roughly ten years ago. I ate some kind of luke-cold fish appetizer while en route back to Quito. Needless to say, I was down for the count. I'll spare everyone the intimate details. Fortunately, it occurred at the end of the trip. Though it did make for miserable return to the states.
Well, a decade later, I got hit again. I was at my favorite watering hole Tuesday evening and ordered the chicken portabella to go. I absolutely devoured the whole thing when I got home. I was a bit intoxicated, but from what I can recall it tasted fine. Basically, it consisted of a side of broccoli, rice pilaf and chicken with a layer of provolone and portabella. I order this stuff (or a corned beef reuben) on a regular basis. In retrospect, it was probably a poor idea to order chicken so close to Thanksgiving. I doubt many people are ordering chicken after stuffing their faces with turkey for the past week. My bad. I did add some pine nuts to the rice, but I can't fathom that having any impact whatsoever. I would later see these same pine nuts as I projectile vomited on a few different occasions. I also ate a small amount of pasta salad Wednesday afternoon, but I don't think that had impact either. I refuse to discuss the other aspect of the food poisoning (has to be salmonella), but it required about 22 brief trips to the restroom. I think you get the point.
A few observations about my ordeal. First of all, Meowee was a pillar of strength. She followed me to the bathroom all night. I think she new something was terribly wrong and wanted to lend me her support. Another observation - food poisoning is probably one of the best excuses to give an employer when you're trying to get out of work. It's a temporary ailment which is difficult to verify and usually does not require a doctors visit. In this day and age with cellphone video technology, it's easy to document the adverse reactions (shitting and puking). Now I realize nobody of normal, sound mind would want to see this stuff unfold, but if you were being questioned by your employer and they doubted your veracity - well, there you go. Here's the proof. Let's roll the videotape. It would certainly lend credence to any future sick days. I'm not advocating this course of action. I just think it's an interesting angle considering the prevalence and ease of cellular technology.
Finally, food poisoning totally sucks. Though I did drop a couple of pounds, I wouldn't recommend it as a credible way to lose weight. I haven't eaten anything whatsoever (except the side of pasta salad) in about 30 hours. I made some coffee but only had a cup. The stuff is just too acidic. Right now I'm having some black tea, compliments of Bendy. I'm still experiencing some residual affects but, by and large, I feel way better. I think I'll eat some crackers in a few hours.

Saturday, November 22, 2008


Anyone who has visited my home is aware of one thing. I've always wanted to use the walls as a source of information. When I moved in a few years ago, the entire house was this ugly shade of sea foam green. Every room was this putrid color. Hell, even the carpet is all sea foam green. Normally, I don't care much about trivial matters like this - "Ooohh, what a lovely shade of burgundy. Yeah, that lavender really accents your toilet." Stuff like this means absolutely nothing to me. So I embarked on a mission. Try to use the walls of my home to convey something relatively meaningful.
The bedroom is still under construction. Other than the ticket stubs, commentaries and Dead info, I've been considering going with a mural but can't quite seem to come up with a solid concept. I'll probably just go with the sports logos and band names and keep it consistent.
The wall of corks in the kitchen has exceeded my expectations. The abundance of different contributors have provided an inclusive feel. And the cross of purity offers an ironic twist. Embrace the absurd. Why not?
The recreational rooms offer plenty of scorekeeping. The garage walkway now has the equa-distant 50 U.S. license plates. The refrigerator maintains its interactive status but is getting a little old.
Here's what I'm thinking - the hallway downstairs. I want to do free-handed (preferably traced) drawings of all the continents - including the countries, capitals, bodies of water and possibly historic monuments (Great Wall of China, pyramids, etc.). They actually sell these overpriced wall maps at Ikea, but that would be pretty uninspired. Plus, I wouldn't necessarily be drawing each continent to scale. Is it really necessary to have a huge Antartica. Australia need not be overly complex. Anyway, it wouldn't take that long. Knock off one continent per week. Probably skip North America and focus on a more universal theme. This idea is still in the formative stages. Any input would be appreciated. Hopefully, "anonymous" will not suggest an anatomically correct nude drawing of the entire Obama family, but is well within his free speech internet rights.

Monday, November 17, 2008


Many have asked, "Saf, where are the pictures? Where is the music? Where is the glitter and emoticonal excitement?" How come you never talk about personal stuff or give us a glimpse into your sordid past? Why the fuck do you only write about shit that nobody gives a fuck? I'll admit, these are some valid questions. This seems like a particularly good time to address them since the Browns are playing the Bills on MNF. Nobody cares about that either. Actually, in that regard, I think I'm onto something. It's pretty obvious that the Browns are out of the playoffs this year and Romeo Crennel is on his way out. The question of course - who will replace him. The answer has never been so obvious. Bill Cowher will coach the Cleveland Browns next year. Yes, you heard it here. Cowher will be back. His stock will never be any higher. I think they'll also offer him a record contract. Not only would it be great for the NFL, it would reintroduce old rivalries with Pittsburgh and Baltimore. Plus, he used to play for Clevelend (special teams for a year I think). Plus, I think he'd just embrace it - he has a flair for the drama (with the cheating on his wife with his secretary bit) and loves the high profile. The timing has never been better. The NFL has this strange "what comes around goes around" aura. Just something to think about. It certainly would adhere to the sonofsaf "laws of universal balance" theory.
Meanwhile, back to the personal stuff.
I've been contemplating a major refrigerator overhaul. What's the deal? Am I going to get the icemaker fixed - No. Am I planing an upgrade - No. Maybe it's the outside - all those pictures of celebrity heads and the magnetic dress-up interactive status - No. Here's what I have planned. I'm thinking about starting a row of Coors Light alongside the Miller Lite. No one has preached the merits of Miller Lite the way I have, up until now. I've had about 3 Coors Lights in the past 2 weeks. They're really not that bad. Plus, I like the excitement of the silvery can. And they're also kind of narrow which bodes well for a decently stocked frig. They currently have the best beer commercials as well - where they misuse past NFL coach press conference footage.
What's up with the corks? When will it end? The answer - IT NEVER ENDS. As long as I can draw breath or pick up a glue gun. Some would say, they're TAKING OVER. And now, with the revelation of differential low and high lighting settings on the Cross of Purity - let us just say it has "merely begun." If you have wine corks, I want them. If you don't drink wine, please start.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

final thoughts

Well, it's over. I watched McCain's concession speech and it wasn't too bad. I don't fault McCain for running an overhwlemingly negative campaign. To be blunt, that was his only option. I suspect his campaign team came to him and said, "Do you want to try and win this thing or do you want to end up like Bob Dole in the history books?" Once he told them he wanted to be President, the campaign had its own momentum and he took a totally hands off, detatched approach. I do fault McCain for not being more actively involved in his own presidential campaign and a total lack of a coherent message. He seemed to stumble from one attack to another to another. Think about it...
First, he tried to make a mockery of Obama - the Britney Spears, Paris Hilton celebrity commercial. This wasn't that bad an idea. I think it was too "over the top" so they nixed it and moved on, possible prematurely.
Then, they went after an inner city black preacher who said "God Damn America!"
Then they tried the "he doesn't take a stand on tough issues." This had a TON of merit becuase he voted "present" so many times in the Senate. But they abandoned it way too quickly. Poor decision
Then, they went to the "he's too inexperienced and he has no executive experience." Once again, this had a certain degree of viability. But then McCain picked Palin and they couldn't pursue it further.
Then, they go back to the tired Republican refrain of "he'll raise your taxes and wants bigger government."
Then, he's going to meet unconditionally with third world tyrants and "cut and run" in Iraq
Then, in the waning days of the campaign, they got totally desperate. He's a socialist, has ties to a domestic terrorist and had the surrogates pull out the "Barrack Hussein Obama Muslim" innuendo.
There was NO coherent gameplan. The idea was to just throw everything but the kitchen sink at Obama and hope that something sticks. Their strategy was to turn the campaign into an American Idol competition - come up with some fun slogans (Drill Baby Drill) and create a mythical character (Joe the Plumber) for lower income people in the swing states to rally around. Basically, it just wasn't much of a strategy and there was no underlying theme. It's difficult to attack themes of hope and change, especially when your candidate is a political insider in his 70's. Once again, I don't fault McCain for the tenor of his campaign. He had to go overwhelmingly negative if he wanted a legitimate shot. But when the disgusting robocalls went out in the millions, I became thoroughly disgusted with McCain. You cannot, in good consience, send out millions of automated calls inferring that Obama is a terrorist and has terrorist connections. This is an incredibly dangerous precedent - Now, there's a statistically significant percentage of the population who can seize upon this absolute nonsense and use it to justify their future insidious actions. Trust me, they're out there and they're closer than you think.

Will Obama make a great president?
I think Obama is a great man, has shrewd politcal instincts, surrounds himself with incredibly forward thinking individuals, makes sound judgements, is an absolutely brilliant orator (exceeding both Clinton and Reagan), and legitmately wants to unite people rather than use the easier tactics of division. He's about as inspirational as you can possibly be without sounding silly. I think he knows that he must lead to the center and not the left. I also think he knows that although his victory could be considered a mandate, he will not treat it as such. But here's the problem... the Dems are solidly in. In the house and senate, they've got a perceived mandate and are anxious to retaliate for 8 years of Bush and the neocon policies. And there will be an assured tendency to overreach. Just because you elect a great man, doesn't necessarily guarantee a great presidency. It's impossible to change the culure of Washington DC works overnight. And I think Obama will have a difficult time controlling Pelosi, Reid, Barney Frank, Henry Waxman, Chuck Schumer and all the others. He might be able to reign in a few of them, but there are way too many egos and competing agendas. You have to pick your battles. But what happens when there are too many battles?
I suggest Obama reach out to the Republicans and perhaps select a few for key cabinet positions that share his general philosophy. Maybe a Chuck Hagel on foreign policy or maybe a relatively moderate Republican like Rob Portman to oversee budget & debt issues. Bring back Colin Powell in some capacity. This would infuriate the base Democrats in Congress but would play well with middle America.
I think Obama is a great man, but his presidency will be repeatedly tested. Our internal problems as a nation are far too challenging and complex and have existed for way too long. I also think Biden was right. There will soon come a major test in the form of an international incident during the transition period. Things have temporarily swung to the left, but everything always steers back to the middle. It's just the nature of the universe.
For now, I"ll celebrate the demise of George Bush and the right wingers. At the same time, I'll be cautiously optimistic of the new direction. And more importantly, I'll try not be naive.

Monday, November 03, 2008


One last political thought - this one regarding the inevitable demise of Joe the Plumber. This moron has had more than his 15 minutes of fame and he has gotta go. Fortunately, the press will have no use for him after McCain loses. By the way, I came up with a great idea for McCain in the closing moments of the campaign. Tonight, both him and Obama are going to make live comments during halftime of the Steelers/Redskins game. Chris Berman will be doing the interviewing. I'd encourage McCain to say something like this...
"Chris, normally politicians don't take sides in the NFL, but I'm pulling for the Steelers tonight because we need them to "clean up" the Washington DC Redskins." Then he could whip out a Terrible Towel that reads MCain/Palin or something to that affect. I think this would be a great gimmick. It would play huge among low-effort thinking undecided white men & women in Pennsylvania (which he needs). Not like McCain is going to carry the 80% black vote in the DC area anyway. It would be one last ditch affort and it's free and I think it would play incredibly well. Never underestimate the potency and resolve of the Steeler Nation.
Alright, back to Joe... Joe the Plumber is one of the biggest political hoaxes I've ever seen. Just who is this alleged man of the people? He appeared as if from nowhere (we used to call this "emerging from carpet"). PLEASE! This guy was a pure concoction of the Republican National Committee. An act of total desperation - They realized they needed to put a human face on all the "poor wealthy" people who are going to see their tax rate return to the levels of the Clinton administration. Oh my god, a substantial rise of 3% on the highest income bracket. How are these people going to maintain their quality of life and standard of living?
Joe is a fascinating individual. I've never met a plumber who makes 250K/year, has his own plumber publicist and is on the verge of releasing a country music cd. Just what the country needed, in an economic downturn and while the military is stretched to the breaking point. We need Joe. This would help every Tina the bartender, Chloe the waitress and Bob the garbage man more easily identify with the Republican party. If you take away the right-wing social issues, I'd say the current version of the Republican party truly and accurately represents a whopping 2% of the population.
Even more humorous, in the waning days of the campaign, McCain has been looking for "spontaneous" signs at his victory rallies. He keeps running into this one guy "Doug the Undertaker" over and over again. Grandpa loves invoking the spontaneity of the moment at every rally. "Look, there's Doug the Undertaker! I think the Democrats are going to need your services after this election is over!" Great line. Amazing how Doug shows up at every campaign stop.
One last message for Joe - The only way I can tolerate you is knowing that on Wednedsay, November 3, the media will no longer have any use for you whatsoever. They'll chew you up and spit you out. You'll be less famous than that old Wendy's "where's the beef?" lady but slightly more famous the Dick Cheney's hunting buddy who got shot in the face. I think I can live with that.

Friday, October 24, 2008


I woke up yesterday, skipped running and got a shower. My water pressure absolutely sucked yesterday. It randomly fluctuates between BAD and FAIR. Not a good omen. So I went to that Sarah Palin rally. I'd never been to Beaver High School. It was about 2 miles off the exit. The directions I got off the McCain website seemed like nonsense so I just cruised up 60N and surmised that it would be near the Beaver exit. The latter option would prove successful. I was armed with my sign.

REALLY 4,000


I had another idea for a good sign yesterday...

Joe the Plumber
supports same-sex marriage

Can you imagine how much that would upset the rank and file right wingers? They'd look at the sign and fire back, "Oh no he doesn't! How do you know? That's not true!"
I got there around 3:45pm and a line had already formed outside the football stadium. I'd say about 500 people or so. There was no Obama presence whatsoever. No opposition, no protesters, nobody who was even remotely opposed to Palin. Ten years ago, I would have relished the opportunity to piss off a few thousand people. But these days, I just don't feel the desire to take the abuse on a solo level. Plus, my prior experience at the McCain rally a couple days ago was hardly encouraging. I decided not to press my luck. As I exited, I saw a young male waving a sign on the main drag. I thought to myself, finally, an Obama supporter. No such luck as I glanced at his sign, "Buy one pizza, get one free."
Oh well, all in all, a mildly disappointing effort but I managed to salvage the rest of the night. Gig had friends over for dinner so I got to meet some big city folk. One couple was from Canonsburg. Talk about a coinicidence - I'm from Canonsburg. And I listened to a live Elton John cd on the way home. Of course, one of these statements is a lie. I'll leave it up to the reader to make that determination.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Sewickley aftermath

Well, it didn't go exaclty as I had planned. I made it to Robert Morris College aorund 2:30pm yesterday. The McCain event was scheduled for 3:30pm. As I drove into campus, you immediately encountered the Sewell Center (that's their basketball gymnasium (maximum capacity of 7,000). Lots of campus security and Sewickely cops. A pretty long line had already formed. Occassional gusts of wind were taking a toll on the elderly McCain fanbase. I noticed a lot of "Obama is a Socialist" and "NOBAMA" signs. One kid about 10 years old was holding a "Socialist" sign to the delight of the crowd from the outdoor patio above. I wonder if a 10 year old really has a grasp on different forms of world government. Anyway, the protest crowd was situated directly across the street from the main entrance. I was kind of dispappointed with the Obama turnout. Probably about 15. Since it was a college campus, I was expecting at least 50 or so. I sat around and gabbed with some of the Obama fans and showed them my sign. I explained how it was my goal to incorporate it in the McCain line, for purposes of the evening news.
I walked over to the steps and was immediately asked by the event coordinator woman ( a woman in her mid 40's) if I had a ticket. I said no and started to walk back to the protester area and a female Robert Morris security/parking cop said, "You'll have to stand in this area sir."
I ran into my news "contact" who was shooting footage. They were busy getting interviews from people about to enter the arena. It was going to be a challenge to incorporate my sign into the Pro-McCain crowd. It was suggested that I joint he crowd and walk toward the entrance, so I joined in. About 1 minute later the female cop pulls me aside and said, "Don't you think I was going to recognize you. You'll have to stand over there," pointing toward the Obama people. Obviously, this was not going as I had planned. No news footage and my every move seemed compromised.
One last ditch effort! I walked back to the main entrance (a definite violation at this point) and held my sign up. A black kid across the street started pointing at it and laughed as the camera honed in. I held it up for about 12 seconds. When I was finished, I started to walk back across the street and yeah, you guessed it, here comes the 5'1" female robocop. She lightly grabbed my jacket and said "You'll have to come with me. As she tugged me aside, she asked, "I'll need to see your license sir." For some reason, I went along with her request. To be blunt, I have no idea why I brought my wallet with me, just force of habit I guess. I took it out and she started scribbling down my info in her notepad. Then she radioed in for "back-up." A large somber black man appeared in about 15 seconds. He asked for an assessment of the situation. She looks at him and says, "This gentleman was warned 4 times to comply and he refuses to do so." I calmly respond, "Actually, I only have had 2 encounters with you. I was just holding up a sign. No profanity, nothing even remotely hostile. I just wanted people to see my sign. For all you know, I could be a McCain supporter." The black man looked at me, slightly perplexed and asked why I came all the way here from West Virginia since I didn't go to school here." I repsonded, "Well, I've never had a problem crossing state lines before." To be honest, this could be construed as a lie on a variety of occassions. I've been asked to leave the state of Pennsylvania probably about 5 or 6 times.
So he looked at me and asked where I was parked. I told him down below and he said, "Well, you've been warned. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the campus. If I see you here, you're going to be arrested." I said, "Well, then I guess I'm outta here."
In retrospect, I shouldn't have had my wallet or license on me. What was I thinking? But I thought I handled myself ok. I wasn't interested in starting World War III. I was a little too giddy in the early going. Should have bided my time and not attracted the initial attention. Not too worry. These things have a definite learning curve. I had a great evening nonetheless, but I disgress. Anyway, guess who's coming to the Beaver County football field for a "Victory Rally" tomorrow in the late afternoon. Yup, you guessed it. SARAH is back for another pep rally. I'm making a new sign so I can stand with the Obama people.

4,000 YEARS OLD ?


I think that pretty much sums it up. We'll see how this one goes.


Alright, I'm heading into enemy territory again. John McCain is having a "victory rally" at the Sewell Center at Robert Morris College in Sewickely. This shit goes down Tuesday night (3:30pm>). He'll probably come on around 6pm. Anyway, I'm heaidng up with the Dinosaur sign. Since Pittsburgh has previously exhibited a lot of hostility towards Palin, it's easy to predict more tension, especially on a campus, even though Robert Morris is kind of on the expensive side. I figure there'll be an Obama presence (maybe around 50-60 people) and a retaliatory McCain presence. They'll probably have McCain/Palin signs so I'll inauspiciously try to blend in with them. I'm currently under consultation with Amanda to learn how to upload photos. This will enhance the blog experience (if you happen to read this bullshit).
Anyhoo, I figure I can make the news since the sign is so idiotic. Here are the anticipated questions and my responses...

Question: Why are you here? Why did you bring this sign?
Answer: I was gonna bring my McCain/Palin sign but I wanted to say something that meant something. Yeah... and ya know... and since Sarah Palin is a creationist. I wanted people to know that that's important and she's on our side.

Anticipated follow-up question: But what does any of that have to do with dinosaurs? What does this sign mean?
Answer: Well it's important to have people in the White House who read their bible and Obama doesn't do any of that.

Continued potential follow-up: Do you know that you misspelled "Dinosaurs?"
Answer: Oh yeah... somebody told me that. Ya know, this isn't some kind of third grade spelling bee. This is for the president of the United States and we've got to make sure that people make the right choice. And I'm just afraid of what Obama would do if he gets it.

One more possible follow up: So why do you fear Obama? Why are you scared if he becomes our next president?
Answer: Look, I'm not saying Obama is a terrorist, because he's not. Everyone knows that. But hey, he hangs out with terrorists and you just can't have that in the White House.

So hopefully, I can get my message out. I'm going with the standard politcal garb. Black low-end dress shoes, khakis and a knock-off polo shirt. No ballcap on Tuesday night, bitches. There should be a major news presence. Now I'll bring the extra Sarah Palin signs and try to disguise the sign for inside, but I'd be amazed if that panned out. Of course, if I made it in with the sign, I'd go all out. "Errr uhhhh excuse me sir, ooh, uh just passing through, I'm sorry, didn't mean to step on your toes, uhhh, ooooh just sliding through, hot soup." Dream the impossible - all of a sudden, McCain is stammering about his health care tax credit and Ka-POW


And fuck everyone, I'd hold my ground. I'd be yelling, "Don't tase me bro!"

For purposes of any potential interview, my name will be Donnie Cork and I'm from Canonsburg, PA.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Nail City

Well, last night I revisited one of the absolute worst restaurants in Wheeling. I'm not even sure what this place is called. Some call it Nail City. Some call it Nail Shitty. Others refer to it as River City. And some even invoke the name River Shitty. For purposes of this blog, I will call it Nail City. It was about 2 years since I last stepped foot in Nail City. The cuisine lies somewhere between the spectrum of disgusting grub and atrocious gruel. I met up with my friend Eric, his girlfriend Kerri and a motley crew of 7 others. Manboy lovechild would make a late appearance and sit at the head of the table, reminiscent of Borat when he was king of the castle. His claim that he wanted to avoid looking directly at the dumpster was a bit mendacious. I suspect he wanted to scan the periphery for any female presence. A wise choice but perhaps somewhat misguided. Do you really want to hook up with anyone who voluntarily choose to dine at Nail City?
Anyway, I neglected to bring either of them a tangible birthday gift, so I opted to impart the gift of knowledge. I composed a brief list of "why it's a bad idea to eat at Nail City." I read it aloud before the meal arrived.

1) The food sucks.
2) The owner (assuming it's still the same guy) is an asshole.
3) It's opening night for the minor league Wheeling Naile hockey team. Thus, it's the equivalent of pedophile night. These hockey players are worshipped by borderline pre-pubescent girls. I have a strong hunch that many a Nailer has taken advantage of this misguided idolatry.
4) They have a mechanical bull. To be blunt, this would be much better suited for a gay bar. "Ride it! You go, girlfriend!"
5) Fake Wheeling thugs which often frequent the place are a total source of embarrasment. For Christ sake, it's Wheeling, not Compton. And you don't look like a threatening menace. You look like a dumbfuck.
6) The place is always too loud, but more importantly, the place is too dumb. Thus, it makes you feel dumb.
7) I once ordered a gin & tonic and the bartender gave me a gin & pepsi. Truly disgusting. It took us a a while to figure out what it was.

I could continue, but you get the gist. Anyhoo, I hadn't planned on eating but decided what the hell. Plus, I was hungry. Scanning the menu for something safe and edible would be a challenge, but I was game. I decided on an order of mozzerella sticks and a side Caeser salad. I mean, how can you fuck that up? But then I thought, well, that's pretty much the cost of a meal - so why not just go for it. I hesitantly chose the following. Cajum shrimp skewers on a bed of rice pilaf with waxed beans and a side Caesar salad. I also ordred a Miller Lite and a Dewars on the rocks. Let me first say, that my expectations were incredibly low . Therefore, if I actually got served and was able to consume food, it would have been a definite plus. And let me make another thing clear, I would NEVER verbally complain to the waitress about the service or the food. I made a conscious decision to eat at this fucked up place. No one held a gun to my head. I questioned Eric as to why they would choose to celebrate their birthday at Nail City. His response, "You get half off and they give you some free brownie dessert concoction." Alright, I guess that makes sense. It kind of reminded me of the days where he would whip out this enormous Eagle 107.5 coupon book. It was like the holy bible of ill-fated bargains. You had to get your tires balanced while getting a haircut. Or you had to get a colonoscopy while they give you a manicure. Just some really odd deals in general.
I'm not quite sure what everyone ordered, but they messed up 4 out of the 9 orders. As I previously stated, I'd never complain. It's not as though it's going to help anyone. The place will continue to steadily suck regardless of any outside input or advice (kind of like the Bush administration).
Here's what was worng with my meal. The Miller Lite was luke cold. The scotch was fine, but it wasn't Dewars. I think it was that Drambuie stuff. But at least it was scotch. I ordered shrimp skewers, but there was only one skewer with 4 shrimp. The shrimp were ok. Nothing spectacular - lightly grilled and immersed in cajun seasoning. The rice pilaf, although plentiful, was unusually bland. But then again, it was indeed rice. So they got that right. They didn't even bring me the side of wax beans, but that was ok. I knew they'd probably omit something. The Caesar side salad was actually edible and they did bring the dressing on the side. The bowl it came in was kind of warm. Mmmm, right out of the dishwasher. Nice! I should have requested the dressing on the side even though it came that way. You've got figure, this is the kind of place where the chef, errr uhhh, I mean cook, thinks he's doing you a favor if he uses an entire bottle of salad dressing. "Mmmmm, the dressing makes it taste better, ya moe-ron. What are you, stupid? That's where the flavor is!"
My bill came to $25 and change and I left $32. Manboy lovechild was even kind enough to break a $20 for me. Why not just use a credit card? Are you fucking kidding me? At this place? They'd probably take my Visa, walk over to the adult bookstore and use it buy porn. Not even the good stuff. Probably midget anal.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Dick Morris

Well, I just back from a Dick Morris symposium at West Liberty. He had a book signing as well. I decided to get him to sign my DINOSUAR poster from the failed Sarah Palin rally. At first, he looked at it and seemed a little bewildered. Then I explained my angle and he said, "Whhoooaaaa, I get it. You know, Sarah Palin is a personal friend of mine, but I really like your sign." He signed it...

...and extinct. But not in politics. - Dick Morris

I'm going to frame it and hang it up along with some handouts from the Palin rally and maybe a copy of my poem. Make the whole thing into a collage of sorts.
Morris spoke for a straight hour. He talked mainly about his experiences in the early years of the Clinton administration and his admiration for Obama, as well as his skepticism. He thinks McCain should have opposed the bailout - might have helped him swing the electorate his way. He thinks Obama will win it and is very concerned about the devastating affects of universal health coverage for illegal aliens and he's worried Obama will raise taxes across the board, not just on family households taking in 250,000 or more a year. Nonetheless, he thought it would be great for the world, if the U.S. were to elect a black president. He said it would be a great day in the history of the United States. Then, regrettably, he'll take office. He did make a humorous comment about how if Obama had chosen Hillary to be his running mate, he should take out an extensive life insurance policy. All in all, great lecture. Very informative.

Monday, October 13, 2008

radio show appearance

Well, I just got done with my appearance on Steve Novotney's AM 1600 radio show. It lasted about 45 minutes. I was a little nervous at first and then everything eased up and it became a bit more converstaional. We touched on a variety of topics - the dinosaur attack strategy at the Palin pep rally, my contempt for the religious right, the failures of the Bush administration, why I dislike McCain/Palin and of course the anti-Palin poem. I must admit, I'm not accustomed to spontaneously airing my opinions and justifying them in a studio-like setting. Fortunately, no hardball questions arose and I thought I was a little self-deprecating. So I don't think I came across as pompous - maybe a little bit nutty. But hey, read the Safertsein FAQ; I've always been a little nutty. Certainly by Ohio County standards; Hell, if you go by community standards, I'm a fucking raving lunatic of sorts.
The only caller was LeBiz who basically cheered me on (kind of ironic - for one brief moment I know what Sarah Palin must have felt like as the throng cheered her on). I thought Heather's call-in speech was strong. It helped reassure me a little - thank you LeBiz. The only odd moment for me came as the show ended. Steve asked me for the specifics of what CHANGE would entail in an Obama administration. I rambled indecisively about the war and the economy. Reflecting back on this, I could have done better and/or spoken with more clarity. But all in all, I thought I did alright. If you heard it, feel free to comment. Especially if you thought I sucked - but just make sure to explain why I sucked. Hence, I'll understand the nature of my sucking. Sucked.

Palin in Flushing

Well, as expected, Sarah Palin ventured into East Ohio yesterday for a "victory rally" near St. Clairsville (Flushing to be precise). As many of you know, my plan was to sabotage the event. So I came up with an unusual idea. I constructed a large sign that said...


Just for the record, Dinosaurs was intentionally misspelled. I even thought about adding an apostrophe or two w/ the word "DINOSUARS" and/or "YEARS" but thought that might be a bit excessive. Anyway, the sign itself was bad ass. Flourescent poster board w/ black vinyl lettering. It really looked strong. My gameplan was to bring it into the event so when the cameras panned the crowd, it would have a bold presence. I even snagged a bunch of Ohio Valley welcomes SARAH signs just to cover it up. Turns out none of this would be warranted. The Palin people decided that NO SIGNS would be permitted in the rally. What a fucking bummer! Very deflating. Of course, when you entered, they would end up giving you a sign that reads "COUNTRY FIRST" along with some red, white and blue pom poms. But that's another story. So much for freedom of speech - as long as it's homogenous, uniform speech, I guess it's acceptable.
Why did I want to do this? I've discovered that if you make a mockery of someone, it tends to be an excellent way to discredit them. I figured that if an undecided voter were to see one of those whackjob, religious freakazoid signs at the rally it would make them think twice about casting a vote for McCain/Palin. My theory - "Jesus Christ, do I really want to align myself with the weirdos who support this women?" Usually people don't want to vote for someone who has been successfully mocked and ridiculed because it makes you feel as though you're the one being humiliated. So that was the basic premise. The Democrats have never been good at slinging mud. Harsh Republican tactics devastated Dukakis (remember him riding in the tank, ouch) and Kerry (flip-flopping while wind surfing, ugly). The Dems need more people like myself who are willing to embrace the sleazeball movement. Obama is much more proactive than the two aforementioned candidates but still doesn't like to throw mud. Probably a wise strategy. It really doesn't suit his "above the fray" personality.
I'll admit, when I heard that no signs would be permitted, I was mildly devastated. Obviously someone must have held up a pro-choice sign at a Palin rally recently and the entire campaign went into lockdown mode. I can't place too much blame on the Sarah Palin campaign. It's to be expected. The last thing you need is some outside curveballs being hurled at this poorly run campaign with less than 4 weeks to go.
So here's more of the play by play. I had planned to attend the event with some of my "assistants," but all 5 of them bailed for a variety of reasons. No big deal. I really didn't need the emotional support and it was a long night for some of them. A mutual friend got married the night before. She used to be a friend of mine but I never really expected an invite to her wedding. 10 years ago I made many derogatory statments directed toward her Chow dog thing. She didn't like it when I ridiculed the dog's behavior. In rerospect, that dog "Caleb" was on the extreme low end in the "dog-milieu." So I zipped up solo. As I said, no big deal.
Got there around 2pm. The rally was scheduled to start at 3pm and Sarah would eventually take to the stage at 5:30pm. I hung out with some Obama protesters at the interesection near the interstate for about 20 minutes. Just some union guys in their 50's. About 4 of them. Not exactly a large opposition presence. Basically, people would drive by and yell "Communist" or "Obama sucks" and they'd yell back "Screw you." Not really the direction I wanted to veer toward. During this time, I met these two guys who were shooting a documentary about the campaign. Pretty interesting. They wanted me to read my Sarah Palin poem for the camera, so I obliged them. Incidentally, I wrote a derogatory poem about Sarah Palin and printed out 500 copies. I was going to hand them as people exited Brush Run Park. Just an attempt to piss people off as they were riding a "Sarah Palin delirious high." I know, I know - this makes me a complete asshole. SO BE IT. What else is new?
Anyway, I just basically walked around and observed the crowd for a while. Very homogenous, synthetic, contrived... I'd say about 3,800 people showed up the event. Maybe as much as 4,500. As far as minorities go, I counted 2 black men, 1 black woman and 1 Asian woman with her kids. Honestly, that was it. Then again, this is Flushing, Ohio (not Flushing, NY), so I wasn't exactly expecting the Black Panthers or the ACLU supports the Afro-American Negro College fund people. Anyway, Jepsonite called me while I was there and I encouraged him to stop by since he lives only 5 minutes away. So we entered the facility about 4pm. It was pretty hot out for early October and I think the rally went on for way too long. A little over three hours in its entirety. Most everyone was in good spirits, but you could sense a little exhaustion and fatigue. An attractive female country musician rallied the crowd, "I love all those signs. I wish I could read all of them!" Kind of an unusual comment since all the signs were IDENTICAL as I alluded to earlier (COUNTRY FIRST). In reflection, I should have snagged one for Jay Country of the message board. That would make a cool avatar.
I must admit, the logistics of the rally were exceptional. Very smooth and orderly. The crowd was VERY enthusiastic. The setting was serene and the delivery was top-notch. As the McCain bus rolled in, the crowd went bonkers. There was this delirious unified passion that was evident amongst the crowd. Screams of We Love you Sarah - U.S.A. - Drill Bay Drill seemed to be the norm. Very little extemperaneous speaking. She did remark on the smell of fresh cut hay. And at one point the crowd spontaneously roared "Mine Baby Mine" - an odd reference to the abundance of coal in the region. But she basically stayed on message. "There's only one man who has ever really fought for you." "Can we really trust him." "He's going to raise your taxes and increase the size of government." etc. All the standard Republican fodder and regurgitated soundbytes.
I should mention that we left the rally while she was still speaking so missed about 3/5 of it. My buddy didn't want to get stuck in traffic. And I wanted to be ready to distribute my poem at the conclusion of the rally. I handed out my poem to cars exiting the park. The vast majority of people thanked me which is kind of amusing. They probably thought I was handing out "Buy one get one free" dinner coupons at Hoss's. Two people started to read the poem and threw it out their window. I purposely wrote "Do Not Litter" on the poem, but that failed to sissuade them. I immediately retrieved them. Another woman got out of her car, handed me back the poem and called me a coward. I asked her why I was a coward, and she fired back. "That's just what you are, a coward." I tried to reason with her. Here I am on total enemy turf and she's calling ME a coward. I tried to explain that she should have called me an asshole or dickead, far more appropriate than coward, but she walked back to her vehicle in a huff. That was pretty much my only accomplishment of the day - pissing people off. Oh well, hardly the first time I've ever pissed anyone off. Maybe I should see a psychiatrist about my overwhelming desire to anger the churchies. By the way, the poem itself wasn't very good. The rhymes were not that clever and there was even a slight error which I failed to correct as I hurriedly printed them out. Hardly my best work.
What really upset me was the lack of national press coverage. No Fox, no MSNBC, no CNN. Just their local affiliates and a European satellite operation of some kind. That was it. You'd think they'd have the big boys there. What if she made a serious gaffe or something unusual transpired (like some moron with a dinosaur sign showed up)? I also had a sign that said..

Kill Baby Kill

Oh well, back to drawing board. I'm going on a local radio talk show today in a couple hours to discuss recent events. We'll see how it goes...

Monday, September 22, 2008

I can't believe this

They went ahead with the Scranton town hall meeting. For some reason, they removed it from his website. Maybe that was their way of avoiding calls for ticket requests. I'm pretty sick about this but I was currently childless so I guess it was a no-go anyway.
Now I heard McCain is stopping in Ohio today after his victory rally in Media, PA. They don't even mention it on his website. How could there be such poor technological gaps between his website and his campaign?

Alright, I just had to add this. The six questions at this "town hall meeting" were the exact same six questions posed to Hillary Clinton at a similar town hall in New York City from a few months ago. Apparently, they all dealt exclusively with Irish-American issues. I guess he had some prepared answers which is understandable. So much for extemperaneous speaking.
All in all, I'd have to say it's a relief that the whole Scranton debacle is over. My heart has been racing for the past few days and I haven't gotten much sleep. I'm still determined to make an impact of some kind.
Good god, I'm watching MSNBC and they have Palin meeting w/ Bono, and the presidents of Iraq, Pakistan and Afghanistan. I knew she was meeting with Hamid Karzai, but this is starting to get absurd. I guess McCain feels that if they can get a few photo ops with leaders of dangerous countries, they can put together a good tv commercial which touts her foreign policy experience. What a fucking joke. Their campaign is getting more preposterous than even I could have fathomed.

Saturday, September 20, 2008


They just removed the McCain Scranton town hall meeting from his website. They must have just decided to cancel it for undetermined reasons. They're still going ahead with a victory rally on Monday in Media, PA. What a relief. So maybe there is a higher entity at work here. Maybe there is a spiritual force at work trying to draw McCain closer to me. Maybe Johnstown, PA? Maybe some Columbus suburb? Zanesville? Who knows. Let's just stay on top of this and keep an eye out.

the plan, continued

Well, McCain is giving us an in. He has a town hall meeting in Scranton, Pa on monday morniing. Not a victory rally, but a bonafide question & answer session. I thought I might have this one girl ready to go, but apparently, she didn't like the idea of speaking in front of a crowd. I still have another 10 yr. old lined up but I'm pretty sure her mother will nix it because of the long drive and her missing a school day. I'd say the odds are about 6% if I had to put a number on it. How sad. I'm pretty sure this will be our only credible chance.
I even modified the fake question that would get submitted. Check this out.
"Senator McCain, who do you like better, the Pittsburgh Steelers or the Philadelphia Eagles?" To top it off, you discreetly tell the organizer that you have a ZINGER of an answer if the Senator wants to use it. You quietly mention he should respond, "Well, that's a tough question? I think I'll have to take a page out of my opponent's playbook and answer PRESENT." This is great shit, because McCain has been nailing Obama with the fact that he sometimes votes "present" rather than yea or nay. This is probably one of his more credible attack strategies. I guarantee - it would bring the fucking house down. This fake answer is even better than the fake question. The Steelers/Eagles question has even more significance becuase of the Scranton location and the fact that they'll play each other the day before in Philly. Plus, politicians almost never take sides in sporting events - it's a no-win. The only one I've ever seen pull it off is Ed Rendell (Philly mayor, PA governor).
Then, instead you fuckin' nail him with the email question or the a stripped down version of the dinosaur question (refer to my previous blog). I actually prefer the dinosaur question - you could even open with the "grandpa" comment. "Grandpa, errr uhh, Mr. McCain, my grandpa and I love dinosaurs....."
Well, the tickets must be acquired today. I'm currently experiencing immense feelings of trepidation. I just have serious doubts that she'll go for it, despite my sincerest attempts to convince her. I hate to pose an open-ended question like this in print, but "Does anyone have a cute 10 year old girl I can borrow for 24 hours? And would you like an all expenses 24 hour vacation trip to glorious downtown Scranton, Pennsylvania?" Someone out there, Please Help Me.
The more I think about it, it becomes apparent that this campaign will soon explore new unseen lows. We've already seen the McCain attempts to mock and ridicule Obama. Ooooh, he's a celebrity like Paris Hilton - remember those ads? They were obviously an attempt to patronize Obama. I thought they were so over-the-top that they lost all credibility. But I'll also admit that, there is a segment of the populace the ads would appeal to. If you think about it, Obama has recently started a routine where he refers to the "old boys" network and that McCain has been in the Senate for almost 30 years. Certainly not a vitriolic attack, yet definitely an attempt to define him as old, out of touch, part of the beltway network, etc. The candidates can't come out and say, "he's black" or "he's old", but the 527s can act with relative impunity. I expect one of the unendorsed 527 ads on either side to go too far. And I think there could be a backlash. It'll probably come in the form of an internet ad, something a little less mainstream. Something to watch for as crunch time appraoches.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Sarah Palin

Hailing from the arctic tundra, of a town called Wasilla
The creationists love her, she's a real thrilla

McCain spent a great deal of time, contemplating her as his Vice
Gimme a fuckin' break, talk about a roll of the dice

Choosing her is something, that just can't be faked
When I think of Alaska, I prefer that it's baked

The tanning bed fiasco, isn't really that funny
but at least it was paid for, with her own money

The Bridge to Nowhere, now ain't that some shit
She voted for it, before she was against it

Piper's a great name, an unusual characterization
Maybe it was Rowdy Roddy, who served as the inspiration

The Republicans claim, that their kids ain't wild
so Bristol's off limits, cuz she's currently with child

Willow's a fun name, for you or for me
If you were a flower, and I was a tree

The oldest son, his name is Track
It seems appropriate, that he's off in Iraq

She's often known, for her various quotes
A feeble attempt, to garner some votes

"You can't put lipstick on a pig!"
Her other son agrees, his name is Trig

Now I just heard, that her email was hacked
But her password was "Sarah," so it was easily cracked

When McCain picked her, it was easy to make the case
a religious extremist, to energize the base

But one thing's for certain, that if you vote Palin
The next 4 years, our guvmint be a failin'

Monday, September 15, 2008

The plan

Alright, the plan to take down John McCain is taking shape. Normally, I'd maintain a certain level of discretion and not divulge details of the operation, but I really wanted to get this whole black-op in writing. Plus, the only perosn who reads this thing is Amanda. Also, if you take the time read it, perhaps you'll have some valuable input. Feel free to give me a call.
In the final 7 weeks of the campaign, there is a good possiblity that John McCain will schedule a town-hall style meeting in the area. He has a campaign stop near Youngstown tomorrow, but that's more of a "victory rally." He has a town hall meeting later in the week in Michigan, but that's a little too far. I'm sure he'll hit the Pittsburgh and or East Ohio area within the next month or so. At one of these town hall meetings, there will be a plant in the audience. This "plant" will be in the form of a girl and boy, roughly 8-10 years of age. I already have three children in mind. It is not uncommon for a child to ask the candidate a question at these events. They must usually submit the question in advance, so it's imperative to have the "fake" questions ready to roll. The two fugazi questions...

From the female child, "Senator McCain, I love soccer. Your running mate likes hockey. Which do you think is better and why?" I want her wearing a "modern Shirly Templesque outfit a la good ship lollipop."
From the male child, "Senator McCain, Can you write me a note for my teacher so I don't have to do tonight's homework?" I want this kid wearing a McCain/Palin 2008 t-shirt.

Obviously, these questions will not be posed. The real questions will closely resemble the following.

Assuming the town hall meeting takes place near Pittsburgh, the male or female child will ask this question. "Mr. McCain, we just went to the Carnegie Science Center and saw the dinosaurs. I love dinosaurs. Your running mate thinks they're only 4,000 years old. I think there a hundred million years old. Which one of us is right?"
This question is an absolute killer. First off, because his campaign is so poorly managed, I doubt McCain is well vetted concerning oddball questions about Palin. I'm sure he has answers for her stances on energy, trooper-gate and most other things, but I seriously doubt he has a solid response for this line of attack. The beauty of the question is that it leaves McCain stammering and disoriented. This question basically follows the line, "How many times have you beaten your wife?" There's no good way to repsond, especially to a child. And even better, the child can pretty much say anything he wants and get away with it. The whole "dinosaur" question works on a few different levels. First, it makes Palin look like an oddball creationist, whether she is or not. Doesn't really matter - it's all about the perception. Second, it invokes the fake internet quotes about how dinosaurs are "the lizards of Satan" and how it was part of god's plan for them to become extinct - so they could become fuel to power our pickup trucks and snowmobiles. This stuff has a life of its own, especially when a child brings it to the forefront.
Regardless, of McCain's answer, we'll have the after-interviews ready to go. I like the idea of myself being interviewed on the local news. "Well, I had very intention of voting for McCain until that kid asked that one question. I'm just not sure I want a Vice-President who thinks dinosaurs and humans coexisted. I mean, does she really belive in the Flintstones? That's just a bit too unsettling."
Another response, "To be honest, I'm still undecided. But I'll tell you what, I don't think I like his education platform if it includes teaching kids that dinsoaurs roamed the earth about 5,000 years ago."
And of course, I'll have some brief letters to the editor and a few select national periodicals (definitely USA Today) ready to go. My new Pittsburgh connection will come in very handy helping to assure the after-comments make the news.
The second question (probably from the male child) has two variations. "Mr. McCain, I got an email that says you don't know how to use email. Would you like me to show you how?" or "Grandpa, (nervously) errr uhhh, Mr. McCain, my grandpa says you don't know how to send an email. Would you like me to show you how?"
This question works on a few levels as well. First, it's embarrassingly true. The good senator has been on record several times saying, "I don't use email" and similar stuff to that effect. This reveals him as an old-timer who's not in sync with even the simplest modern technology. Plus, just the mere thought of a child teaching Grandpa McCain how to press the send button is great late-night talk show material. The interviews that would follow for the news would include the following - "Maybe Sentaor McCain should appoint that kid to a cabinet level position. Sounded like maybe he could use a technology czar." or "John McCain, email really isn't that confusing. All you do is hit the button that says inobx."
After the 2 questions have been posed (not at the same event - that's highly unlikely you'd get to drill off both questions), you could offer this one up, "Well, I've heard of the vast right wing conspiracy, but I think John McCain has a problem with the vast 8 year old conspiracy."
The most important part is to have the after-blitz READY TO ROLL. MSNBC and other mainstream news outlets would love nothing more than to have a slightly, smart-alecky kid taking on John McCain. Makes for great you-tube fodder as well as instant cult-celebrity status for the child. I could even forsee a late night talk show appearance on Leno or Letterman. We'll need a little luck, too. McCain has shown a strong committment to the town-hall style format. This could be his achilles heal. The next 7 weeks could offer up one of the greatest opportunities - to hijack the 2008 election. Would I like to be a part of this historic endeavor? Sure. Why not?
This entire operation hinges upon one central theme. It's difficult for a voter to cast a ballot for a politician that has been mocked or made a fool of. Remember, that Bush commercial with Dukakis wearing the helmet when he was going for a ride in the tank. That one commercial absolutely butchered his campaign. Most people take their vote very personally. The last thing you want to do is vote for the guy who looks like a fool, because it will make you feel like a fool.
This entire campaign is crying out for one big watershed event. You can argue all you want about taxes, govt. spending, the war, etc. until you're blue in the face. The real truth - the country is still divided right down the middle. The timing and placement for this scheme is just way too obvious. And the media would EAT IT UP... They'd eat it up faster than Anna Ashby Anna Grubler German shotput artist. One day the world will hear her words. This proclamation will resonate through the swing states. "LEAVE ME ALONE! I"M EATIN."

Monday, September 08, 2008

opening day

Yesterday I took the regulars and another couple to the Steelers (-6.5)/Texans home opener. Of course there were some minor electrical issues with the black limo, so we switched to the Escalade. I have a hunch we are about to revisit the same problems from a year ago with this frayed wire. Ahhh, if only I had a nickel for everytime this has happened - I'd probably have 85 cents. Smooth ride up. Surprisingly, no traffic whatsoever. We got to the stadium about 12:15pm. I dumped them off and parked in the crack district (my usual spot on Federal Street). I thought scoring a ticket would be difficult (nice weather, opening day) so I hustled down to the stadium. I ran into a scalper who had a "fan" of 5-6 tickets. I normally don't approach scalpers, but asked him how much for a single. He said, "Make me an offer, you tell me." I repsonded, "How about twenty?" He stammered, "C'mon man, it's 80 face." I started to walk away and he said, "Alright, 40." I resisted, "No, I'll go 20." He flashed me a look of tepid disgust, "Alright, 20." Truth be told, the closer I got to the stadium, there were plenty of tickets. Here's some candid advice for the "professional" scalpers. If you know there is a ticket glut, don't display your tix in a "fanned " format. It reveals your hand. In retrospect, this was an easy one. The next home game will not be - Monday night against the Purple Browns. As I made my way to the stadium, 4 blackhawks did a low level flyover. NICE. One of them had a Steelers logo painted on it. Bad Ass. I made my way to Gate A, took my usual place standing on a bench and watched the crowd go in. I hung out in the pit for the first half. Steelers looked tough, better than I expected (21-3 at the half).
They introduced Charlie Daniels at halftime. "He's here to sing his newest song In America." Well, he strolls out to the 50 yard line with an acoustic guitar. For some reason, they pipe in a different song though the Heinz Field PA. They've got him out there solo with an acoustic guitar and he's singing his song. Meanwhile, "The Legend of Wooley Swamp" is playing in the background. What a fuck up. I think Charlie, kept expecting them to switch the sound. They didn't. What made it truly funny was that he kept singing acoustic and they've got a song playing with a full blown band. This was the most disastrous case of lip-synching I've ever seen. I guess it's really not lip-synching though. With lip-synched shit, you can be a little off, but at least you use the same song.
Anyhoo, I zipped them back to Belldirty and went home to grab a shower. They called a couple hours later and the night was finished. Something was a tad askew when I dropped them off. Oh yeah. it was light out (around 7pm). The best news of the day - I found out they sell Lone Star beef Jerky at the Claysville Exxon. What a score. Speaking of scores...

Steelers 38
Texans 17

I almost forgot to mention. During the first half, this guy yells out, "Tom Brady got his leg broken. There is a god!" My section of the pit erupted in jubilation. A couple guys were high-fiving each other. Another inquired, "Sweet, who's Brady's back-up? I'm going to snag him for my fantasy team." It's nice to see people celebrate the misery of others.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008


For those of you know me, my deepest sympathies. No seriously, for those of you who know me, you know 4 things for certain. I live on a street in a relatively secluded area. I share a driveway with my immediate neighbor. I don't like this neighbor. And, he has a gate. For the past 3 years, both he and his gate have been a source of amusement and disgust. When I first moved in, he had the property immediately surveyed - he explained this was merely to delineate the property boundaries. This was one of the 5 occasions where we have spoken. I'm not going to explain why we don't have cordial, neighborly relations. In fact, for the sake of this blog, I'll gladly admit that I'm a complete asshole and he's the greatest person in the world. Done.
Let's go back to our initial meeting 3 years ago. A few things stood out in my mind. He told me he was going to build a fence bewteen our yards because, "I knew Mrs. Allen (the former deceased owner of my house), but I don't know you." This just struck me as a bit hash and unpleasant. Then he reprimanded me for not knocking on his door and introducing myself when I first moved in. This made me think - shouldn't he be the one to knock on my door and bring me a cake or something. He basically concluded with the sentiment, "It's really quiet up here so if you mind your business, I'll mind mine." Let me be blunt. This guy ain't going to win any Neighbor of the Year awards. Anyway, that was fine with me because there's enough distance between our properties and we really don't need to be in constant contact and I have no interest in engaging him socially. That's my immediate neighbor.
Now I also have some other neighbors. Becky and Jake live right next to his precious gate at the bottom of the driveway. This couple and I have become good friends. They feed me, clothe me and bathe me. Well, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get the drift. I spend a great deal of time with these two and their mutual friends. Basically, knowing these two easily outweighs any of the misgivings I might have about gateman.
I've always thought that the gate itself was pretty lame.

A. We live in Wheeling, WV - is a gate necessary.
B. It makes it incredibly difficult for people to turn around.
C. It represents an obnoxious precedent for exclusion rather than inclusiveness. This suits him well, not me.
D. It adds an extra dimension of danger in the winter when the road is icy.
E. It's prone to breaking down.
F. He has it decorated with a wreath and lights during the holiday season.
Honestly, I could probably think of another 10 or so.

About a month ago, a tree fell on Becky and Jake's house. A section of the tree also fell near the gate and snapped the power line. Damage was pretty extensive. Well, gateman had a crew come and clear the street so we could get to our homes unabated by the "remains of monster tree." A nice and timely gesture. Well done. After that incident, the gate has remained open for a month straight. It hasn't closed since the incident. Why? Why? What convinced him to leave it open? Well... last night I was hanging with Jake and Becky (steak, twice baked potato and salad - a superior dining experience). I was a little buzzed last night - went golfing earlier and we were drinking a lot of wine. We started conversing about the gate and the odd property boundaries. We spoke about the split rail fence he erected so nobody could park near his lower property, how he had the mechaincal box bolted shut so nobody could manually open the gate, his Private Drive sign and the never-ending discussion about the infamous gate. Still, why has he left it open for the past month? We slowly started to unravel the historical tapestry of the gate, the drive and the property boundaries. See, I own a little sliver of property down near the gate. I've never really thought about it too much. I just know it's mine and that's the way the boundaries were drawn. From time to time, I'd go down with a weed wacker and clean it up a little. But for the most part, I've just wanted to avoid any issues with that little section of land. And I have no interest whatsoever in the maintenance of the gate.
Well, as I said, last night the wine was flowing and I had a biblical revelation of sorts, some kind of atheistic awakening. It all dawned on me at once.
I own his gate. For christ sakes, IT'S MY FUCKING GATE! The same gate I've mocked and ridiculed for 3 years - IT'S MINE, not his. I just never really thought about it.
A few years ago, I offered to pay half the expense for some of the deteriorated lighting on one of the pillars. He declined my offer and said he'd take care of it. I figured, that's cool. In actuality, he was testing me to see what I knew about the potential gate ownership issue. These past 3 years he's been hoping I didn't know, didn't care or just didn't want to claim ownership of the gate. So he gradually assumed the role of "Gate Guardian." With the recent cataclysmic events, he must be running scared. He's probably wondering if the jig is up.
Now here's the deal. Our street is scheduled to be paved by mid-October. My guess is that he's waiting for the tree debacle and paving issues to conclude and then he'll resume the regular assholic gately protocol. I haven't decided what I'm going to do with my newfound knowledge. Personally, I'd never remove it. If it were up to me, I'd just leave it open all the time. I will tell you one thing though. If he puts his holiday wreath and Chirstmas lights on my gate, there will be fucking hell to pay. You have my word.
You might be asking yourself, "What if he reads this? What if he googles my name and this blog comes up? Saf, aren't you concerned about that?" C'mon, really. I would give neither two shits nor a flying fuck.

Monday, September 01, 2008


Yesterday was an interesting one. I did an airport run around noon. Picked up these two retired football coaches and zipped them down to Wheeling Island for the Don Nehlen Classic "Friends of Coal" event. One of the guys was Dick McPherson. The name sounded familiar but I just couldn't place what team he used to coach - this will eventually become slightly relevant. Anyway, I threw them in the back and off we went. Is it me, or does "The Friends of Coal" sound pretty lame? Couldn't they have configured a better motto; perhaps, "Coal Country" or "The Future is Coal" but really, "Friends of Coal?" I just don't like the idea of people befriending a black geological source of energy. Anyway, it was an uneventful ride to the hotel, with the exception of cops out EVERYWHERE. Of course it was Labor Day weekend, but this was ridiculous. Cops basically lined route 7 and littered parts of 22 and the Island. Between the hour ride up and back, I saw about 28 cruisers. No joke.
I NEVER discuss limo-oriented tips in an open forum, but the man I alluded to earlier emptied his entire wallet for my tip. "Hmmm, that's all I got." Three dollars. Later that night, his true identity would be revealed.
Onto round 2. I was supposed to take up a group from Washington, PA to Crue Fest (Motley Crue, Buckcherry, Papa Roach, 6am and Trapt) at Starlake. Just as I was preparing to leave, I get a call from Jenn D. "Eric would you be interested in letting someone ride co-pilot tonight?" Turns out Kelly Z. wanted to make the trek. This was one of the rare times I had an actual front seat on the passenger side so I acquiesced. Plus, I knew the crew I was taking wouldn't mind. Plus, how could anyone deny Kelly the rite of concert passage? It was nice to have company for a change. My usual limo has a plastic control panel where the seat is; thus, making it unsittable.
We made it to Washington at 6pm and picked up 4 fine looking women (Nichole, Gigi, Melanie and Jackie). Two were wild, two were tame. Kelly is wild and I am tame. So it provided a nice balance - 3 wild, 3 tame. So it was me and the 5 hotties - a refreshing change of pace. Took the back road (18 North) to Starlake. The place was pretty full when we arrived, no traffic. I'd say about 18,800 people showed up for this one. A few minutes after we parked in the oversized vehicle section, a massive military looking Hummer parked beside us. 25 guys in their early twenties jumped out of the back. They threw down a keg and a row of them just started pissing in a line-up. Kelly remarked about how one guy was taking a shit underneath the vehicle. This may or may not have happened. I honestly don't know. On the side of the military vehicle, in bold painted lettering, it read "FARM USE." I could already tell that trouble was brewing. These guys were pretty gooned up. I spoke briefly with this one guy wearing a blond wig and he said they lived about ten minutes down the road. Out of the twenty or so, none had tickets. Hmmmm, a bunch of testosterone fucks from the WV/PA border with no tickets and a ton of beer and liquor at a Motley Crue concert. Let's just say that Hurricane Gustav was en route.
We all hung out and enjoyed the sites and sounds. Ran into Scottie and Schneid as well. They'd be the recipients of two freebies compliments of our leader. One elderly blond-fried woman with an ill-fitting green tank top sat down to take a breather. She was trying to simultaneously fight with her husband, slam a beer and reposition her boobs. Another woman in a black leather mini-skirt took a brief piggyback ride atop the shoulders of her boyfriend. Her ass on total display as everyone cheered, jeered and some took photos. A group of girls walked by and engaged all of us. A few wandered next door into the piss fest. One of the girls boyfriend got into an argument with one of the testosterone fucks and ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. Punches started flying and this one dude's nose was bent sideways, blood streaming all over the place. Simutaneously, there were 3 seperate outbreaks. A mob scene slammed into the side of the limo and crushed the side mirror. The lot attendants and parking guys called in for police back up, but that would take a while. Meanwhile, the brawl would continue unabated. Nichole looked at me, "Eric, do something!" I'm like, "Yeah, like what? Dive on top of the brawl? Try to preach Obama themes of peace and tolerance? What the fuck could I have done? I just silently observed and continued making keychains for the girls. Gigi remarked, "Eric, way to go with your knitting!" Well said. This fight seemed to last about 6 minutes. It had an inertia of its own so there wasn't any stopping it. Until the cops all rolled in. 4 cops and more golf cart security. When the pigs entered the fray, I missed a golden opportunity. As people scattered and some took off for the woods, I should have yelled, "PREPARE TO BE FUCKED BY THE LONG DICK OF THE LAW" (from the movie Superbad). That would have rocked the house. Would have.
I neglected to mention that 2 chicks were right in the middle of the brawl. A tattooed blond with a grey tank top was on top of the pile pummelling this one guy with what I'd call "fists of fury, UFC style." I think she was trying to help her boyfriend whose face was being driven into the gravel surface. All in all, they hauled off 4 of the guys. A few bloody faces and 2 broken noses, one severely. The cops interviewed me and I complained about the side mirror and the blood on the limo. They kept asking me who threw punches. I said, "Well, honestly it was a mob scene so it was hard to tell." In reality, the only one I clearly remember throwing punches was the one girl, but I couldn't rat her out. That would have been blatantly assholic. This had to be one of the biggest fights I've ever seen at Starlake. Big on quantity, duration and brutality. Actually, I've seen worse in the brutality department but this one was pretty heavy. From here on out, the fight will be known as Gustav. The fallout of Gustav - one more arrest for failure to obey/disorderly and a few girls crying. My crew went entirely unscathed. Gigi filled out a verbal police report of her own. All I could see was her repeating something to the effect of, "They're all a bunch of assholes." Probably not sustainable testimony in a court of law.
Buckcherry took the stage and we all wandered in. They had seats and we had lawn so we all kind of separated on the way in. Kelly seemed to enjoy the sights and sounds of Buckcherry. I did not. Some tattooed, high stepping freak singer screaming his tunes and talking at length about fucking and ball grabbing. As the final song Crazy Bitch closed out their set, we wandered down to the lower walkway and ran into Nichole and Gigi. They said it was pretty packed in the pavillion, so we opted to refrain fromt he "ticket hand-off sneak down." We ended up on the hill side with fellow limo driver Darryl. Kelly went to the restroom and got "lost" in the process. I took a look for her but didn't have any luck.
All in all, Motley Crue was pretty good. Tommy Lee pulled out the video "TIT E. CAM" and took a sampling of Breasts of Burgettstown. Mildy amusing. They sounded a bit rough. This was the final show of the North American tour and he was a little raspy. Keep in mind, they're all in their late 40's. And Mick Mars looked beyond hideous. The had to trenchcoat and tophat him. Basically, just cover up the entire guy in black so he blends into the background. Mick probably gets my vote for the ugliest rock star of all-time. All the Motorhead guys and even the lead singer of Grim Reaper are more visually appealing.
I left the show a little early and hooked up with Darryl. He informed me that Dick McPherson used to be the head coach of the New England Patriots. Fuck! A golden opportunity to rail on Bill Belicheck to someone with a pertinent opinion. Actually, I've always like Belicheck. Just don't tell anyone. Made it back to the limo and the military Hummer had just exited. Can't complain about that.
All in all, GREAT TIME. GREAT CREW. GOOD CRUE. I think there might be an unwritten chapter in this one. Well, at least I hope so. Time will tell.