Sunday, December 30, 2012

Steubenville Big Red Rape Song

I did not attend the Steubenville protest yesterday.
I will go to the one next week.

I've been blogging my thoughts for about 8 years.  I'm willing to concede that most of the stuff I've written is unconventional.  If I were a normal resident of the Ohio Valley, I'd be writing about...

my family
going to church
getting drunk
filing a lawsuit
community garage sales
the Oglebay Festival of Lights
Jamboree in the Hills

but most important...

vicariously reliving your high school football glory days through the on-field heroics of your sons.

So in honor of our warped society and hero-driven culture, I wrote a parody of the Big Red chewing gum commercial.

No high school football team rapes young girls like Big Red.

"So rape a little longer
Tweet a little longer
Abuse a little longer
Longer with Big Red
That Big Red offense blasts into it
Hurt and pain goes on and on
While they screw it
so if you rape them a little longer
You'll think you're bigger and stronger
Do your crime, not do the time... with Big Red!"

Just for reference purposes, here's the chewing gum lyrics....

No little cinnamon gum freshens breath longer than Big Red

"So kiss a little longer,
Laugh a little longer,
Stay close a little longer
Longer with Big Red!
That Big Red freshness lasts right through it,
Your fresh breath goes on and on,
While you chew it!
say goodbye a little longer,
Make it last a little longer,
Give your breath long lasting freshness with Big Red!"  

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Occupying Steubenville from West Virginia: Roll Red Roll

I'm not going to rehash the entire Steubenville football team/high school alleged gang rape incident.  I don't think it takes a genius to surmise what happened.  Most of the relevant information can be seen here...

There's little on the internet that can send chills down my spine.  The above link would prove a definite exception.   

What a bizarre world we live in.  I'm just deeply appreciative to be "occupying" the planet during this coming of age (technology-wise) and observing the Anonymii application of justice.  I think what fascinates me is the concept of superempowerment by an individual who does not seek credit, fame or fortune.  Someone being called to action based solely on doing what is morally "right."  It just runs in complete juxtaposition to everything our hypercapitalistic society deems worth of merit. I find myself incredibly humbled to be witnessing this new brand of "technological vigilante justice and retribution."  

There's simply no way to adequately convey my appreciation for these masked masqueraders.  My only complaint - I wish they'd use a different mask.  There was this old school pro wrestler... Mil Mascaras.  I realize it's mostly silver, but his would be the gold standard.

His personality in the ring would blend well with the Anonymous collective.  He was a high-flying, acrobatic, scientific wrestler.  An all-around good guy or as they used to call them "baby-faces" (as opposed to bad guys, or "heels").  Perhaps even more so than early 80's WWF champ, Bob Backlund.  Now that's saying something.

I do have a strong hunch that there will inevitably be a tipping point.  A moment in time where one of these Anonymous characters goes too far.  Something goes horribly wrong and there's an incredible backlash against the group and/or one of its hacking affiliates (Nightsec, script kiddies, etc.).  As with any government or rebellion, one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter and vice versa.  And the concept of an internal war within an anonymous organization truly baffles the mind. 

I had planned to attend the protest today.  But the weather is just not cooperating.

Like I said, it's a bizarre world we live in...

* when I have this burning, unyielding desire to visit downtown Steubenville.
* when I find myself actually "praying" that I don't end up regretting my non-attendance.

Fortunately there's another protest scheduled for next Saturday, January 5.  

If a legitimate member of Anonymous ever comes across this blog, please know that you guys and gals are my heroes.  I'd love to join "the hive," but my computer skills are worthless.  Also, there's the comical notion of being denied admittance to a group that relies entirely on an open-sourced invitation policy.

And here's an idea for any of you creative writers/computer geeks.  Use that Big Red chewing gum commercial and do a Weird Al style sick-parody of the incident.  Further tarnish and destroy the "stellar reputation" of the Steubenville high school football program.  Can you even fathom singing it in the traditional, choppy Anonymous vocal styling? 

Very catchy tune.  The lyrics are easily adaptable.  If you want, just email me and we'll collaborate.  I'll probably write it while I watch the WVU game this afternoon.  How cool is it that we're playing in Yankee Stadium?

I'll post the lyrics tomorrow.   

So here's a link for the live stream.   Like they often say, "we'll be watching."

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas in Wheeling, West Virginia

Top 10 ways to celebrate a "renegade Christmas" in Wheeling, West Virginia

10) Have a very, huffy Christmas.
With a sprig of mistletoe in hand, follow around local celebrity Patrick Tribett on his auto-erotic asphyxiatory journeys from Bridgeport to Bell-Dirty.  On the West Virginia side, it's a huffer's expedition from Benwood to McMechon.  But either way, it's truly a Christmas miracle.  Whether you wish to wrap your lips around this newer (12-13-12), more subtle golden pucker-upper...

or perhaps you'd prefer an old-school (2-5-12), muggalicious silver smoochie...

Looks like The Trib has put on a few pounds.  Regardless, the choice is yours.  Tangible proof that daddy did indeed see mommy kissing Santa Claus.

And just a slightly related side note - I've been accused of kissing other women.  But it's actually from picking at the label of a Coors Light bottle.  When I think of you, I touch myself (and my face).  Consequently, I get a nice schmear of Color-A-Dolf, Hitler infused, Jew-glitter.

9) The Revenge of Slashy McSlasherson

It happens every year and I'll gladly accept the blame.  Vandalism reports aplenty.  Some teenage miscreant goes on a holiday knifing spree.  Ohhh, for the love of humanity.  Who would do such a thing?  Well... I have that impulse.  I have that desire.  I have those same hopes and dreams.  To see the lifeless, flaccid remains of Santa

or even better, a family of Frosties (not Wendy's).

8) Militaristic vision of Elves on Shelves (first generational warfare version)

Those Elf on a Shelf things seem to be making a big comeback.  Every mom from Wheeling to Weirton is posting pics on facebook.  Look... Keebler the Elf is baking cookies.  Scummy the Elf is cleaning the bathtub.  Or my personal fav - Brownie the Elf is going potty!

The joy is both unbridled and heartfelt.

Does anyone recall the scene from Braveheart where they're contemplating strategies to withstand a charge of heavy horse? 

William: We'll make spears. Hundreds of them, long spears. Twice as long as a man.
Hamish: That long?
William: Aye.
Hamish: Some men are longer than others.
Campbell: Your mother been telling you stories about me again, eh?
But I have a different vision.  I see a dutiful army of Christian elves before me, here in defiance of tyranny.  When the indoctrinated hordes show up at St. Mike's for midnight mass... my elves will stand united.  Think in terms of the Battle at Stirling.  A Mel Gibson inspired elf-like leader appropriately named "MELF" will hold the line.

Here's how the battle plays out in my head.  A large blathering of generally obese, loud-sweater wearing Christians prepares to enter St. Mike's.  My army of elves prepares itself for a sacred onslaught.

Hold... Hold... Hold...  NOW  Witness the horrific collision.  All that's left behind is strewn-about, entangled crucifixes and assorted gaudy jewelry.  Also, a sea of khakis and blood-splattered fur coats.  The darkness of night helps to mitigate the visual carnage.

You needn't watch the entire 2 minutes.  (It's a strange edit.)

7) Libations of non-kosher wine and consumption of non-kosher swine 

History has witnessed the senseless violence in Pamplona, Spain.  Yep, it's the running of the bulls.

They use the same Drowning Pool song for a Benny Hinn miracle healing compilation.  Strong choice.

Anyway, the Spanish equivalent is referred to as the Wheeling Pampaloma virus.  It's the famed "running of the pigs."  It manifests itself in an abundant supply of Bob Evanzezes.  There's a new one in the Highlands.  There's one across the river in Fartin' Mary.  But ya gotta love the one in Woosdale.  Whenever I go there for breakfast, this older female waitress will inquire... "And your choice of breakfast meat?"  It's impossible for me to adequately describe her stifled, haunting inflection.  Her pale complexion reminiscent of the ghost of Christmas past.  Her frail, stylistic vocals remind me of the Life Alert woman that fell in the bathtub.  Consider it a crowning achievement in the realm of ghoulish holiday solo gospel/spoken word.

6) Stolen Baby

Didn't mean to freak you out.  Nobody stole a baby.  Well... that is unless baby Jesus counts. 

A poll of affected Moundsville residents was immediately commissioned by Governor Earl Ray Tomblin.  Turns out that 93% of repsondents would concur that stealing a baby Jesus from a nativity scene is the equivalent of stealing a real, live infant.  Good call.   

I must admit something.  I've been eying up those local manger scenes like a Pavlovian dog.  Salivating not only at the sight of baby jesus, but also the apostles (say that 5X fast).  Even some of the cloven-hoofed animals.  For just one brief second, I considered incorporating bestaiality into my hedonistic lifestyle.  But somebody else already stepped up to the plate.  We had that dude from Lafferty, Ohio.  He had sex with his neighbor's dog, albeit in 2005.

5)  Christmas Bigfoot

Many recall the tabloid heroics of Batboy.  Wheeling born.  Wheeling fed.  Wheeling bred.

But on the cusp of Batboy, another mythical creature has emerged.  It's an abominable yeti if you will.  Some kind of chronologically impaired neanderthal.  A genetic mutation gone woefully awry.  Comprised of two distinct entities, it is a force to be reckoned with.  It's name...  Krampagus

1 part Krampus (some excellent footage from the recent 2010 parade in Austria)


1 part Chrisagis Brothers (no explanation necessary, warranted, justified, etc.)

4) Oglebay Unplugged.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's all these arena rock bands that do "tamed down" acoustic shows.  Best exemplified by Kiss on MTV Unplugged in 1995.   That was some really lame shit.  Hey now, here's an idea.  How about we take the loudest, most melodramatic, obnoxious band to have ever graced the  planet earth and we'll bring them into the tranquil, sanctity of your living room?

Anyhoo, "Oglebay Unplugged" is an extrapolation in name only.  It would be quite a challenge to "dim down" the annual Festival of Shite(s).  You can't really filter out something with such artificial, pretentious vitality.  You just gotta head up and unplug all dat shit.

3) Ho fuckin' ho!

Christopher Moltisanti sums it up best in this season 2 Sopranos clip.  Tony's crew is trying to figure out who will play the role of Santa Claus for The Bing's annual Christmas party.

But In Wheeling, things are a little different.  In the higher elevations, it's beginning to look a lot like a venereal Christmas.  Not venerable I tell you.  We is talkin' venereal.  You see... a few years ago, there was an outbreak of chlamydia at a gentleman's establishment.  And I realize this will leave us all feeling a bit queasy/uneasy, but the outbreak was directly attributed to a stripper pole (not a Festivus pole... I assure you).  However, the townsfolk refused to remain sullen and complacent.  Instead, they embraced these rash, vaginalistic outbreaks with a certain corn-fed vigor.

In keeping with this new found tradition, they stepped up their collective game.  Billboards welcomed weary travelers to "Bell-Dirty Bellaire" or "Whorewood Warwood."  The city council of "Fondle Me Follansbee" hung up a politically correct banner... Have a Happy Herpes Holiday.  Round deez parts, it's called "keepin' it real."

2)  A 5K Kristmas

Usually there's a 5K race that coincides with all holiday celebrations.  Wheeling ain't no different.  You've heard of 'em.  The Freedom Run, The Turkey Trot, The Gobble Wobble, Santa's Sleigh Ride, The Red-Nosed Rudolph Run.

Fuck 'em all.  I propose a new 5K.  I would call it "The Godless Giddy-up"  But I also like "The Agnostic Traverse," and to a lesser extent, "The Secular Crawl."

1) Village People, Wheeling Island Casino, 12-28-12

Gonna do a little get-out-the-word effort for the big rock concert.  Some would call this guerrilla marketing.  I'd be inclined to agree.


Tickets on sale now for Village People and Hot Property!

Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack is hosting the biggest party of the year on New Year’s weekend offering three great nights of entertainment in the Wheeling Island showroom.  The party kicks-off with Village People on Friday, December 28 at 8pm. Reserved seating ticket prices are $35 and $30.
Hot-diggity!  Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but I do believe it to be factually correct.  I'm curious to see what the opening band is like.  They refer to themselves as "hot property."  Sounds like an evening of hokey-filled tomfoolery.  And ya know something... as far as the Village People go,  I was a little surprised to see the city of Wheeling facilitate the promotion of these blasphemous, hackneyed homos (cue..."Y.M.C.A.").  It's the billboard next to Long John Silver's on rt. 40.  There could very well be others.  All of this blatant sin???  And just while Wheeltowners are fully engulfed in the holiday shopping season???  Disgusting. 

So anyway, yeah.  I get it.  The Village People are coming to Wheeling Downs.  I would suggest printing some exclusive tour shirts.  Perhaps a picture of "the band" performing in front of a throng of fans (all of whom share the same affliction).  Lamentably yes, I am thinking of Down's syndrome.  

So watcha gonna do for the big night?  Here's what I would suggest.  In order to avoid a DUI, you'll likely need a stretch limo.  So the best choice would be to max out your $1,200 limit Discover card.  Hell, it's worth it.  Next up, "where we gonna eat?"  Hmmm, Wheeling Island Casino is unmatched for its endless variety of culinary choices.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but they're all the same.  It's all Sysco Food Services.

Someone in the limo wants to get there asap so she can play the video slots.  Her lethargic voice proclaims, "They got good numbers over there!  Driver, git us to the Island!"

As you cross the famed Wheeling Island Suspension Bridge, the initial obstructive wave will come in the form of malnourished cats.  82% are stricken with feline leukemia.  Resembling the migration of the wildebeest along the Masai Mara, kittahs disperse in all directions.

Isn't that interesting?  A stampede of animals.  Crazy to acknowledge that human beings share the same genetically ingrained herding instincts?  Looks like further evidence of a compassionate and caring, nurturing and loving god.  Deities are so worthy of human praise.  Especially in the aftermath of Germany's aptly named Love Parade (2010).   22 dead, 500+ injured.  Or perhaps the 953 that perished in the Bagdad Al-Aaiimia Bridge stampede of 2005.  No big deal.  Just the largest single day loss of life during the Iraq War. 

Probably didn't hear about this one, huh?  Well, it's no wonder.  Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf a couple days before.  Kind of stole the news cycle.  Just something to contemplate.

This blog is a prime example of the uncensored thoughts conjured up by a snowed-in, atheist Jew from Wheeling, West Virginia.  So to all my Christian brethren... I ask you to stand with me united.  Stand in defense of the Israeli homeland and all who would seek her destruction.  Purge the Persian President Ahmadinejad.  Carry on with a policy of modern-day Palestinian apartheid.  Stand in defense of the land where Jesus was born, or where he died, or whatever.

In any event, Shalom.

Friday, December 14, 2012

gun control in the wake of Sandy Hook Elementary

Another one of those psychotic assholes just shot up a school.   Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Ct. - roughly 30 dead, mostly children.  All the customary emotions follow... despair, rage, etc.  This one's really bad because it involves defenseless, innocent children.  I've been analyzing the responses on facebook.  It's pretty much what you'd expect.  Some lash out.  Most offer prayers and sympathy.  When will humans understand that "nothing fails like prayer?"  Well... likely never.  And there's always this one idiot who posts something to the affect of, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people."  I call this "ill-timed douchebag" syndrome.

I suspect another week long debate about gun violence.  How it plagues the United States.  How we need to reign in the National Rifle Association.  Stricter background checks.  Greater enforcement.  Some idiot always comes up with the novel idea of mandatory guns for teachers so they can protect their classrooms.  All the usual back and forth.  Of course this lasts until another tragedy absorbs the news cycle.  Then it's back to business as usual.  When I say business, I'm specifically referring to MONEY.  Because for the vast majority, money is all that really matters.  

So Saf, what would you do about this never-ending mess?  Let me first state, I'm a supporter of the 2nd Amendment as stated in the Constitution.  It's a complex issue, but generally speaking I think it made sense back then and for the most part, still does.  Societies that don't let individuals arm themselves sometimes don't remain on the map.  The exception of course is these semi-automatic machine guns.  Of course I believe that one can do inconceivable, catastrophic damage without the use of any weapons whatsoever.  But this time I'll spare you the artificially generated stampede ramblings.

Over the years, I've come to the conclusion that you can cite all the statistics you want, but in the end it doesn't mean shit.  Because people will always believe what they want to believe.  You could explain how if there's a gun in the home, you're 43 more times likely to be the recipient of gun violence.  But in the end, it's just a statistic.  On the other hand, tell people that "Obama's gonna take your guns away."  Far more effective because it evokes a visceral reaction.  It's a lot like the spouse whose husband cheats all the time and she exclusively blames the other women.  Same phenomenon.  Most people believe what they want to believe, or what's easier to believe.  You can spew evidence and statistics til the poultry animals venture home to their respective McDonald's dipping sauces.  It just doesn't work because emotions generally trump wisdom.  Nothing new there.  Kind of explains why people eschew the theory of evolution in favor of the Garden of Eden... but I won't take you on that journey.

Okay Saf, so you're saying the battle between the NRA and the anti-gunners will continue unabated.  This is where it could get interesting, but never does.  That's because all the people who make it their life's mission to take on the NRA never go about it correctly.  They always go that same route.  Try and garner political support from the Democratic left.  Perhaps mobilize a PAC, run some anti-gun ads, elect liberal judges & politicians, etc.  Wrong.  Fail.  Lame.  Breaking News Alert -- you're never going to win this battle.  Not because your cause isn't morally just.  You'll always lose because there's NO MONEY to be had.  America is dominated by money and weapons.   Now if you lived in Finland or one of those elitist, enlightened Scandinavian countries, you might stand a chance.  But in the U.S.A.... no fuckin' way.

Please Saffy, tell us how you would destroy the NRA.  Well since you ask, I would take a vastly different approach from the norm.  I would try and promote division within the ranks.  I'd expose the internal divisions (rapidly approaching and/or already existing) within the NRA.  Pit them against each other and let them destroy themselves.  A decent analogy is the mainstream Republicans vs. the Tea Party.   

Tea Party idealogue Sarah Palin - You can never raise taxes.  There can never be universal healthcare.  Abortion is murder - Imprison the women and physicians.

Mainstream Republican House majority leader John Boener - We generally oppose tax hikes.  The U.S. already engages in some degree of socialized medicine.  We oppose abortion but realize it's the law of the land - So we'll try and chip away at it.

The Republican party is totally fucked right now because it doesn't stand united.  And there's your split.  If you asked the famed Art of Warrior Sun Tzu, "Hey there Sunny ZooZoo, I want to eliminate my enemies.  What would you suggest I do?"  He'd probably fire back,  Saffy McSaffershit, let me ask you this... Is there maybe a way you could sow the seeds of dissent and let your enemies destroy themselves?  See, this way you just get to sit back and watch."  After all, the best way to defeat your enemies is to have no enemies.

You see, the NRA is going to soon find themselves at a dangerous precipice, a definitive crossroads.  Allow me to explain.  There are 2 subset groups that run the NRA.  One group is dominated by the big money interests.  They support the right to bear arms because it enables them to make cold, hard cash.  They pay only lip service to the Second Amendment.  It's simply their convenient meal ticket (Note: Do not eat deli items from Convenient - there food is gross and their hot wings are really atrocious).  Even though they yap about the founding fathers and constitutional rights, they honestly could care less.  For them, money will always be the deciding factor. 

But there's also another faction within the NRA.  These are the rank and file.  The gun owners and enthusiasts, hunters and constitutional adherents.  They're the ones who truly believe in lofty principles.  For them, the right to own a gun is an issue that defines "who they are." I need a gun to defend myself, my family and my property. 

Enter homemade gun replication.  Saf, what the fuck are you talking about?  Well, I'm talking about the future of the gun industry.  There will come a time when people can easily manufacture and replicate knock-off weaponry.  I'm specifically referring to advancements within the 3-dimensional printing industry.  If you wish to explore this topic, my hero John Robb does a fine job.

As the do-it-yourself gun movement rapidly evolves, the NRA faction #1 will cry foul.  They will go to the U.S. government and say the following, "These new guns aren't safe.  They're too dangerous.  Terrorists will use them.  You need to do something about it."  They'll take action because homemade guns represent a clear and present danger, a direct threat to their monetary survival.  They'll start by demanding new registration guidelines and a crack down on unofficial guns. 

But across the aisle, yet in the same building, there's another faction of the NRA.  Let's call them the strict constitutionalists.  They will be VERY supportive of DIY gun manufacturing.  For them, it's not a matter of dollars... it's a matter of PRINCIPLE.

So here's what I would do.  Rather than hiring D.C. lobbyists, complaining about background checks and trying to persuade people to CHANGE their minds in favor of stricter gun laws, I would use an entirely different strategy.  I would foment an insurrection.  A revolt from within the "heart of the NRA."  Good god... did I just say the "heart" of the NRA?  I'd let them destroy each other while I sit back and eat chicken enchiladas (thanks Gigi).  
How would I do it?  I'd convince the real majority (NRA faction #2) that NRA faction #1 is the real enemy, an imminent threat to your constitutional right to bear arms.  Specifically, I'd start a grassroots political organization and advertise the hell outta the rift, over and over.  Those bastards only want you to buy their guns.  Remember, these are the proud hunters who wake up at 4am to sit in a freezing tree stand in the middle of nowhere.  Joe "six-pack" Blow is a dues paying, card carrying member of the NRA.  His father took him hunting.  Because his grandpappy Ulysses took him hunting.  And his great-granddaddy Zacariah took him hunting.  When the gun-owning majority concludes that the overseers running the NRA don't legitimately care about the common folk, they'll seek to distance themselves, or even better... form a new group.  And that's cuz it just got emotional.  Because stats don't mean shit, unless of course, you're a statistician.  I think Sun Tzu would agree with me on this one.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Yinzer/atheist/hillbilly impressions of Hurricane Sandy benefit concert (12-12-12)

I was just talking to Gigi.  She's on a shooting.  Apparently, there are about 4 separate shooting incidents every night.  Welcome to Shotsburgh.

Anyway, we're talking about the hurricane Sandy 12-12-12 benefit rock concert.  A this time, I'd like to officially praise the lord on behalf of the benefactors that insure the event is broadcast in a curse-free fashion (I just saw them edit out Adam Sandler for possibly using the word "tits"... lame).  Ah yes, the magnanimous advertisers.  Chase Bank Corp, the Verizon Foundation (whatever that means), and who knows whom else.

So we're sitting here yapping and we're gradually coming to realize that we've recently seen just about EVERYONE who is performing at Madison Square Garden.  Seriously, when I say everyone, I honestly mean everyone.  Well, except maybe Alicia Keys.  And I don't think she tours that much.  Maybe a prolonged stint in Vegas.  Or maybe that's Rod Stewart.  Who really knows?  Who really cares?

So I was thinking... I've made a conscious decision to watch this thing in its entirety.  So while I view this whole benefit concert, I might as well share my impressions of the bands and compare/contrast them with their recent Pittsburgh appearances.  I'll do this pretty much in real time.  So don't expect too much in terms of the customary flowery language and nauseating pontification.

In NYC - Springsteen opened with "Land of Hope and Dreams."  Good choice.  Then he played that new tune "Wrecking Ball."  Weak selection but it sounded decent I suppose.  The Boss rambled a while about the joys of masturbatory discovery in his teen years in a run-down Asbury pubic playground.  Ahh, memories... a tribute to the finer things in life.  He ended it with a semi-rousing rendition of "Born to Run."  Him and Jon Bon Jehovah knocked out the blessed duet.  I don't think his mic was on for the first few stanzas.  Speaking of stanzas, they just showed Tony Danza manning the Samsung cell-phone bank.  He appears somewhat frail and greying, a distant memory of a dashing, testosterone infused housekeeper vacuuming a curtain.  Hold me closer Tony Danza - Elton John.

In Pittsburgh - Springsteen was totally bad ass.  October 12, 2012 at Consol Energy Center.  We even saw him earlier that day at an Obama rally.  An acoustic show on the Pitt campus at Soldiers & Sailors Hall.  Faith healer and legendary televangelist (the 2 terms are mutually inclusive) Benny Hinn was supposed to perform there in 2010, but I think he got wind of my plans to tar and feather his ass.  So he canceled.  Coward.

Billy Crystal comedic interlude - relatively weak.  Not much of a reception from the audience.  They showed NJ Gov. Chris Christie waving from the crowd.  Not to sound obviously mean, but do they provide his fat ass with two seats?  There's no way that guy could fit comfortably in just one MSG seat for the duration.  If they give him 2 seats (like on an airplane), do the disassemble the arm rests?  Inquiring minds want to know.  These are the kinds of questions I would ask the celebs (Chelsea Clinton, Whoopie, et al) working the phone bank.

IN NYC - Roger Waters has a killer intro tune - "Into the Flesh."  I attentively watched to see if they would ram the airplane into the makeshift wall.  Some producer must have ultimately decided that this would've been in bad taste (you know, 9/11 anxiety).  Good choice there.  The Bio Channel people got it right.  Eddie Vedder played with him but didn't seem to get overly-involved until the power vocal section of "Comfortably Numb."  Wise.

In Pittsburgh - July 3, 2012.  We went to see The Wall performed in its entirety.  This whole event never really seemed like a concert, more like a masterpiece.  Amateur descriptions don't cut it.

I don't even think I'd want to see one of those Eddie Vedder solo acoustic shows.  I mean... I guess I'd hit it if he came to the Weirton Community Center, but I wouldn't go out of my way.  Though please do not confuse my rigid stance with his full-time band.  They go by the name of Pearl Jam.  Recently speaking, we saw 'em in Philly (twice in 2009).  One of my all time favorite concerts - the opening show of a 4 night run at the demolished Spectrum.   Another time in Columbus (killer show in 2010) and one more in Cleveland (somewhat blah - I was in a bad mood :( .  I threw in the extra parenthesis there but it looked weird, so removed it and added an additional, perfunctory space before the period.  See... now you know I care.  I really do.  Otherwise I wouldn't write this shit to begin with.

In NYC - Bon Jovi was luscious.  I wonder if Emil's brother is still his chiropractor.  That dude really is the chiropractor to the stars.  Among his other notable clients are Bill Belichek and many of the New England Patriots.  He should run a commercial in the Philly/Boston metro areas with that "BACK that Thang Up" song.   Youz a big fine women woncha back that thang up.  Seriously though, Bon Jovi is gay.  He's even gayer if your name is Sasha and you're a multi-divorcee in her late 40's.  And Richie Sambora should drink shots of Sambuca from Cher's butthole.

In Pittsburgh - We actually did a Bon Jovi (February 11, 2011).  It was mildly amusing.  Not really a fan.  Never was.  Even during the glam rock heydays of the late 80's.  But Gig did snag a set list.   

In NYC - Eric Clapton came out and lulled the crowd into:

A. Sleep
B. A mild state of annoyance
C. An eagerness to see who comes on stage next
D. All of the Above.

yep, you guessed it.  "D" all the way.

In Pittsburgh - I've NEVER seen Eric Clapton.  I have little desire.  Yeah, I know - Cocaine, Sunshine of Yinz Love.  He sounds like he does on the radio.  Exhausting, boring, beleaguered.  Strangely enough, he's coming this spring.  Here's where I rank my sense of urgency to go see Clapton (out of 5).

5.  Sitting through an entire Saved by the Bell reunion show.  Hosted by who else but the untouchable duo of Mr. Belding and Miss Bliss.  Throw in Screech if you seek the trio effect.
4.  Eric Clapton at Consol Energy Center - April 6, 2013.  Isn't tonight that end of the world Mayan prophecy crap?  So how we gonna make it to the planet Claptonite?
3.  A Benny Hinn fire crusade.
2.  An Erik Estrada autograph signing at the grand re-opening of the Ohio Valley Mall in St. Clairsville, Ohio.
1.  Oglebay Festival of Lights on Christmas Eve.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  All that's needed is a pair of hedge clippers with an added dash of sassy panache.  They'd call it "The Night the Lights Went Out in Wheeling."

As I type these words, Alicia Keys is wailing to the crowd these themes of love and perseverance.  Put those cell phones in the air !!!  For the love of Allah.  Someone needs to put a stop to this concert cell phone waving bullshit.  For there is only one Ozzy Osbourne.  And it's called a fucking cigarette lighter!  And it's the only acceptable thing to "let us see."

I have deemed the behavior of Alica to be unacceptable.  Hence, she will not get a review.
They just showed a bunch of Sopranos characters - Janice, Bobby Bacala, Johnny Sac, Paulie Walnuts, Steve Buscemi (Tony Uncle Al).  Very cool.  Man, how I miss that show.  Probably the best dramatic series of all time.  If you differ, I must ask you a simple question.  What is better than the Sopranos?

In NYC - the Rolling Stones were kind of weak.  Poor song choices.  "You Got Me Rockin" and "Jumpin Jack Flash"???   Why don't they let me write the set list?  Should have had Alicia Keys come out and do the Gimme Shelter bit.  I suppose they might do it at the end.

In Pittsburgh - Saw the 2006 PNC Park Stones show when Pearl Jam opened.  One of my all time favs.  Can't get over the notion of them playing the ballpark.  Had to exit early to accommodate the lascivious cravings of the limo crew.  Understandable... but it was a Stones show for Christ sake.  So all in all, that's a definitive fail.  Did provide a nice contrast though.  And the Pearl Jam set list was a pretty lame one.  Still though, very cool. 

IN NYC - The Who are on right now.  They sound very strong.  Gotta love how they edit out the "who the fuck are you" part.  I hate the FCC.  And I even have a valid reason.  Their enfeebled, puppet leader, Secretary Julius Genachowski has neither the integrity nor the courage to respond to the letter I sent him on March 1, 2012.  What a fucking baby.

In the steel-service industrialized city - Yep, we saw 'em just a little bit ago (Nov. 11, 2012 at Consol).  They did the entire Quadrophenia show and threw in about 6-7 hit tunes at the end.  I had a good time, but the concert itself seemed a bit lethargic.  Weak crowd turnout.  Upper level was only half-full.

The MSG show is still on - Pinball Wizard.  They just sound really refreshed compared to the show we just saw.  Should have played "Won't Get Fooled Again" and/or "Behind Blue Eyes."  But I guess they only get a few tunes.  It'd probably be best to leave it to their discretion.  I hope Eddie Vedder comes out for Teenage Wasteland.  Yeah... I know it's called Baba O'Reilly.  Trust me.  I get it.  But he didn't.  They didn't.  Wait... now "Love, Reign O'er Me" is on.  Still no Eddie Vedder.  Maybe they'll have everyone come out for a "finale-rocking-crescendo-Mayan holocaust-end of eternity closer sing-a-long, sing out strong song."  I hadn't given it any thought until now.  Gotta be the standard Paul McCartney "Hey Jude."  Maybe get Jay Z, Alicia Keys et al and have them to do the Empire State of Mind bit.  Since I'm scribbling this in real time, I suppose we'll find out together (at least in realm of the fantasy blogosphere).

Maybe I'll do my first ever Tweet!  I secured the sonofsaf hash tag shit a few months ago, but just can't summon the motivation.  See... it's just like a Hanukkah present.  Oy vey, wipe your nose with that schmatta.  You gotta unwrap that dradel.  After all, we made it out of clay.  So just go out and play.  That's some spiffy lyrics.  Maybe Creed or The Nicklebacks should turn Jew.   Maybe that's just what the world needs.  A crappy Jew rock band.  You know something... I think the lead singer of Green Day is a Jew.  Dude gives me a fucking headache.

IN NYC - Kanye West is on stage.  He's a hip-hopper.  Jay-Z too.

Up in the Burgh - 
They just sent Gig to Consol to cover a rash of "mass marijuana inhalations" at the Wiz Khalifa concert.  There are "many" fans on the scene who apparently need medical treatment.  They're "passing out" everywhere.  Seriously, you couldn't make this shit up.

Believe it or not, we zipped down to the Jay Z / Kanye West show at Consol (November 19, 2012).  We left a little early... not because of the pot smoke.  It was all the FLASHING LIGHTS - messin' with Gig's equilibrium.  Rap bastards.  Son bitch.

It's 11:30pm - this show's gonna run late.  
Ya wanna know something weird.  Whenever, the bio.HD channel censors a lyric or pelvic thrust, they throw on this blobbular Athari pong-related image.  It looks like a composite of the following images used by psychic-trash metal band Voivod.

Voivod = killer underrated band.  Sucks that you can't find any decent quality bootlegs of these noble Canadians.

IN NYC - Billy Joel is on.  Glad they put him later in the sequence.  Makes sense. Glad he didn't play the "makin' love to his tonic and gin" song. 

In Pixburgh - Last time I saw Steinway, me and Jenn went to the Igloo (March 4, 1999).  FYI - I don't need to google the date.  And I'm not one of those weirdo self-described idiot savants who remembers every date as though its emphatically relevant.  I'm much cooler - because I have all my ticket stubs tacked up on my bedroom wall.  If you require substantive evidence that I'm indeed hip, I'd propose adding this super-extended analogy to the SAT tests of those Linsly kids.

New Jersey: Jersey Shore: Miley Cyrus: Hannah Montana
West Virginia: Buckwild: Eric Saferstein: sonofsaf

 That'll help.

And I have corks too, including the cross of purity.  Corks and ticket stubs - this is where the U.S. is trending.  Hell, I almost forgot the Elf on a Shelf serving as a whimsically, omniscient overseer.  Proof that I do indeed exist in the year 2012.  Potential banter for degenerate historians I suppose.

In NYC - Coldplay singer Chris Martin is on.  He's the sauvest yuppie in the world (sing it like the Chrisagii).

In Rooneyville (technically Boogertown) saw 2 very strong shows (2005 & 2009).  Both were exceptional concerts, except I admittedly got sucked in by the novel excitement of my first cell phone wave.  In retrospect... sad.

In NYC - Paul McCartney is on.  Helter Skelter is a cool opener but why on earth would you play that exhaustive version of the "Let Me Roll It."  You've got the entire Beatles catalog at your disposal, not to mention some of your own solo stuff, and you decide on this grueling Wings tune?  He must like that song.  I do not.  Now he's playing another obscure Wings tune.  Peculiar. 

On a blasphemous note, especially in the wake of others misery (hurricane) /jubilation (historic rock concert).  Isn't it always about these "we need to pray" people and "I just want to take a moment and thank God" clips and "place your trust in the lord"... and his benevolent cock.  These people are making me tired, much in the same way pretzels make George thirsty.  Fortunately, the hurricane Sandy benefit didn't turn into G.F.A. (God Fest of the Aughts).  Praise his name. 

And  hey, we didn't pay a fucking dime for any of the concerts mentioned in this entire blog.  BOO-YAH!!!  The passion of the jew.  We're the exact opposite of all the saviors in tonight's Garden audience.  Surely, they payed out the ass.  Just an observation.

Actually, I take that back.  Here's the numbers to the best of my recollection - we paid $9 & $20 for the Columbus Pearl Jam show, $7 & $11 for the Cleveland Pearl Jam show and $20/$40 for the Philly shows.  I paid $20 to see the Stones/ Pearl Jam show at PNC Park.  ALL the others were FREE.  How did we pull it off?  Through the time honored and proud tradition of "aggressive but non-confrontational, both distant and passive, yet in-your-face and resolute" begging.  Oh yeah, and the occasional sneak-attack.

Alright, I'm signing off.  This Sandy relief concert could have used a shot of Marilyn Manson... in the collective groin of the garden.

So I'm watching the finale.  Paul McCartney introduces Alicia Keyes and they fucking PREEMPT it for a some kind of Hamilton Beach coffee maker commercial.  Then, there was another commercial for some insurance shit or something.  Unbelievable!  Alright, they segued back in to the finale.  Yep... Empire State of Mind.  So Saf, how do you feel?  What did this night mean to you?

Quality of concert performers - 95 (Praise the lord... no dumbshit Korean technocrud)
Quality of the production - 74 (Bio HD?  I just think it was too much for them to handle).
The crowd - 54  (On the whole, this crowd of "fans" seemed unusually weak).  MSG attendees usually amp it up.  One could argue, this concert was just the delayed aftermath of Hurricane Sandy.  But hey, I watched the whole damn thing.  Sup wit dat?

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Chargers 34 Steelers 24: (12-9-12)

Gig and I snagged some free 500 level tickets to the game yesterday.  Probably the easiest acquisition this season.  While Gig was chit chatting with a photographer acquaintance, this short dude came out of nowhere.  "You guys need tickets.  Here you go."  I wasn't even holding up the sign.  Ironically, I was conversing with an overly gregarious Santa Claus playing acoustic guitar at the Mazeroski Way / W. General Robinson intersection.  As a matter of policy, I generally try to avoid Santa Clauses.  I once designed a tribute sonofcd - sonofsizzlin' / sonofsanta.  The latter being a tribute to mall store pedophile Santas.  Think of it as a purging, cathartic attempt.  Let's get Santa outta the system.  Let us expunge him from the public domain.  I'd feel more comfortable having the grandkids sit on Jerry Sandusky's lap.  Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people?

Let me first say, I would never have predicted the thrashing absorbed by the Steelers this weekend.  Everyone's saying Tomlin threw Ben back into the fray too soon after the injury.  I wouldn't place the blame there.  With four weeks til the playoffs, if you're a starter and you can physically play... then you play.  It's not really that complex.  I just think the team didn't "show up" after the huge, emotional win in Baltimore.  The let-down was looming.

I also didn't think Dallas would beat Cincy.  When your organization goes through rough emotional times (nose tackle charged with DUI & vehicular manslaughter), the last thing anyone wants is a Trumplike egomaniac like Jerry Jones playing the role of goodwill ambassador.  Next week's game should be strong.  I hope Jones heads down to the sidelines to motivate the team.  The ultimate scenario - in the waning moments of a tight game, the ref call a personal foul on Jerry Jones (trying to intimidate an official) and it knocks the Cowboys out of field goal range.  When the last second 58 yard attempt comes up just short, Jones fires their kicker on the spot.

Then, he hires replacement journeyman Billy Cuntiff.

I can dream, can't I?

As I was saying earlier, tickets were too easy to come by.  61,359 fans showed up in "full force."  Not too shabby.  That's only 3,691 no shows.  But how can one assess blame?  After all, it started to rain late in the 3rd quarter.  It being Sunday and all (the lord's day of rest), perhaps some thought there might be a flood of biblical proportions.  Truth be told, the crick is way up.

So yeah, tix were everywhere.  We felt embarrassed even trying.  It was that easy.  We did secure one additional for that special someone whom we all knew wouldn't make the trip.  Faced with the prospect of eating a ticket as if it were a box of Crunch'n'Munch, we ended up giving it away.  We originally tried to charge this dude $20, but he didn't even flinch.  We saluted his effort and just dished it off.   

This got me to thinking.  Maybe WE could become "goodwill ticket ambassadors."  Everyone would know that those 2 weirdos standing on the bench are here to redistribute free Steelers tickets.  That's their sole purpose in life.  So if you have an extra, give it to them.  Not only will they perform a ticket "hand me down" (literally... while standing on the bench an extra 2 feet off the pavement), but they will also do a "quality control" assessment.  Make sure the person is legit (not going to scalp or resell) and that he/she isn't some drunken yinzer Monroever buffoon.

You can never be too careful.

So surely the urban legend would grow.  Yeah... those two freakazoids on the bench outside Gate A.  They're the ones that routinely accept and give away free tickets.  Think of it as though you're seeking salvation (from a couple feet above).  Kind of a Salvation Army, sharing is caring, theme.  We could be this renegade, Steelers miracle seeking, hippie nonconforming, IC Light drinking, anti-scalping force to be reckoned with.

To some, we could be heroes (David Bowie).  To others (those who spend all their disposable income on season tickets), we'd be pissing them off to an even higher level previously deemed inconceivable.  It's a win-win.  Conjure up this image in your head.  Picture the mongrel hoards of Steeler nation as "lap-dogs."

That's right, you lackeys.  It's that time of year again.  Time to "put the Christ" back in Christmas.  So if you're a true Steelers fan, here's what you need to do.  Go to a Dick's Sporting Goods store and buy your hubby an NFL officially merchandised Big Ben #7 jersey.  It's a steal - only $219.  Now you've properly earned the love and adoration of your significant other.  Have a Huck-it.  Chuck-it.  Christmas!

Friday, December 07, 2012

possible Kate Middleton South Park episode

I don't profess to know shit.  But of two things I am certain...

1.  The Steelers will dismantle fucking Norv Turner and the San Diego Chargers.  Take Pittsburgh and the -7.  Chargers coming in for the early east coast start.  Does anyone know Norv's real name?  Well, it's Norval Eugene Turner.  Norval sounds a lot like "boll weevil."

Alright, less of a correlation than I originally surmised.

2.  Of vastly greater importance... the next South Park guys episode will be about the recent Kate Middleton fiasco.  

If you're living under a rock, these 2 Australian deejays pretended to be Granny Royale Fuckingham.  So they called the hospital and got direct access to the Princess Kate when she was admitted for hyperemesis gravidarum, acute morning sickness related to her pregnancy.  Anyway, the nurse was tricked by their impression and patched them straight through.  How could she have been so gullible damn-it?  That's right.  Now I'm pissed off.

Anyhoo, less than a day later, the nurse ends up killing herself.  Well, the autopsy is still ongoing,  but I can't fathom someone purposely killing this woman.  Then again, you never know.  In this day and age, the violation of Kate Middleton's privacy could be just enough to trigger a murderous rage in some Manchester United hooligan douchebag.  I despise Man U.  In fact, I think there should be an actual "hate symbol" for these clowns in the social media realm.  Perhaps an inverted or "upside-down" heart.  Seriously, why doesn't this exist?  I've never seen an upside down heart during any of my facebook exploits.  Plenty of regular ones though.

Come to think of it.  They should also have a "broken heart" symbol.  Basically, just this thing... ♥,  but with a shattered crack down the middle.   Perhaps these things already exist.  Either way, I refuse to google something so blatantly faggolicious.

Alright, my point is this.  I can envision these guys

salivating like Pavlovian dogs.  Obviously, there will be a new South Park episode regarding the right to privacy.  I'm going futuristic on this one.  It happens from time to time (A.G.S.).

But here are some specific projections related to this hypothetical episode:

1) Since it's all about privacy, I think they'll incorporate those "dumbshit facebook disclaimers that absolve everyone from any guilt or innocence ever associated with their identity and pictures/writings."  I hate those things.
For those of you who do not understand the reasoning behind this posting, Facebook is now a publicly traded entity. Unless you state otherwise, anyone can infringe on your right to privacy once you post to this site. It is recommended that you and other members post a similar notice as this, or you may copy and paste this version. If you do not post such a statement once, then you are indirectly allowing public use of items such as your photos and the information contained in your status updates.
PRIVACY NOTICE: Warning - any person and/or institution and/or Agent and/or Agency of any governmental structure including but not limited to the United States Federal Government also using or monitoring/using this website or any of its associated websites, you do NOT have my permission to utilize any of my profile information nor any of the content contained herein including, but not limited to my photos, and/or the comments made about my photos or any other "picture" art posted on my profile.
You are hereby notified that you are strictly prohibited from disclosing, copying, distributing, disseminating, or taking any other action against me with regard to this profile and the contents herein.
The foregoing prohibitions also apply to your employee, agent, student or any personnel under your direction or control. The contents of this profile are private and legally privileged and confidential information, and the violation of my personal privacy is punishable by law. UCC 1-103 1-308 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED WITHOUT PREJUDICE
Are the collective minds surrounding me really that easily absorbed?  Enfeebled?  Uh... yeah.  That's an affirmative.

2)  I've been trying to think of who would be involved in the actual medical emergency.  Just who would be admitted to the hospital?

A.  Could be Cartman's Mom.  For those who've forgotten, Mrs. Cartman is actually his father.  She's a hermaphrodite.  I wonder if I personally know a hermaphrodite and am unaware of it.  Never really thought about it before.  I know a couple of androgynous individuals.  I'll settle for that.

B.  Mr. Slave might be transported to the hospital.  This has strong potential.  Featuring the rodentous return of Lemiwinks, his rectal confidentiality would be severely compromised.  Throw in a concerned Mr./Mrs. Garrison and the support of his/her students.... there you go, that's an episode.

C. Kyle's mom, Mrs. Broflovski might check in for breast reduction surgery.

Anyway, those are my three hunches.  Just thought I'd put myself on record.

Monday, December 03, 2012

killer golf ball

Over the summer, "J Wreck" and I were golfing the front 9 of the Jones course at the Speidel golf club.  On the challenging hole #3 (par 4), he hooked his drive into the woods.  He went in for a look and emerged with a handful of golf balls.  One golf ball caught our attention.

Whoopty-whoop, whoopty doo.  Good for you, Saf.  You got yourself a Titliest ProV.  Nice.
Actually, I don't really care for the Titliest brand - too "spongy."  Instead, I like Top Flites and Slazengers.  But to be honest, I'm really not that finicky.  You give me food, I will eat it.  You give me a golf ball, I'll hit it.

But wait... there's more to this story.  The side of this particular golf ball bore an inscription.

For the love of God.  Could it be?  Could this possibly be the property of my old boss... Belmont County's own John Seckman aka "Killer?"  Yes.  I believe I'm in possession of this life-of-the-nonexistent-party, beverage purchasing phenom, aging wunderkind, Fartin' Mary philanthropist's golf ball.  For those unfamiliar with the aforementioned tire-wholesaling icon, I used to haul him and his extended Bell-Dirty posse around in a piece-of-shit limo (the polished vehicular Lincoln Town-Turd) for 6 years.  Then, one day out of the blue, he decided he could never speak to me again.  Bummer.  What's unusual is that he never fired me.  He just came to the conclusion that we could not coexist. Saf, you sound a little bitter.  Perhaps.  I'll cope. 

Still, I'd like to return this golf ball to its rightful owner.  But relevant questions remain...

1)  Does the individual in question have the sufficient amount of narcissistic tendencies and ego-driven compulsion to personally order monogrammed golf balls?

Answer: an unequivocal, absolute, definitive yes.

2)  Could it have simply been a gift, maybe from a family member or one of his devoted minions?

Answer: quite possibly

3)  Or could it be an entirely different individual nicknamed Killer?

Answer: maybe, but I doubt it.  

A year ago, I devised a way to inflict irreparable damage on the entire golf ball industry.  So this matter is a bit more personal than you might think.  Anyhoo, if anyone out there can shed some light on this golf ball's origin, please help a brother out.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The $500 million dollar lottery question (11-28-12 Powerball Lotto Bucket List)

Every so often, I hear the question.  "Saf, what would you do if you won the lottery?"  Suffice to say, it pains the questioner when they find out I'm not interested in buying a ton of shit.  Oh boy... imagine the possibilities.  I could buy that 14th century decorative Torah.  This could help reinstall my Jew heritage.  It'd be the equivalent of immersing myself in the Dead Sea, like a frugal baptismal.  Or maybe I'd hire one of the Mitt Romney sons to perform sadomasochistic sexual acts on Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.  Probably the smiling kid named Tagg.  He emailed me several times during the campaign.  Haven't heard from him lately.  I miss Tagg the most.

Seriously though, how would I spend the gobs of cash?  I like the idea of purchasing large amounts of utilitarian items.  Cases of bottled water, plenty of bleach, isopropyl rubbing alcohol and hydrogen peroxide, unflavored instant oatmeal... you know, the good stuff.

Alright, so I just found out I can still get a ticket.  I thought they did the drawing on Tuesday night.  I like the German version of this Simpson's clip.

But now it's $2.00 instead of a buck.  What a fucking gip.  Have the venerable lotto people no shame?  I could have bought a McDouble and a small fry (consisting of 14 french fries - they really screw you with that diminutive, flimsy wax paper container).  But nothing hurts more, nothing cuts like a knife, than buying an extra large fry - you get it and it's only 2/3 full.

Now that's a McHate crime.  Ain't got nuthin' on the fuckin' Hamburglar.

So what am I gonna do with the loot (of course, this is after the noble U.S. government and great state of West Virginia take their well-earned cut from my hard-earned lottery ticket purchase)?

Here's my "lotto-bucket" list in no particular order.

10) I would hire a group of trained Navy Seals to eradicate the stank groundhog that lives underneath my house.  They can wrap him in this Crown Royal blanket

and dump the carcass in the Ohio River.  I think we'll need a group that understands the value of asymmetric warfare.  The tactical challenges presented by this "Lex Luthor of groundhogs" are difficult to quantify.  Some intriguing lineage in his groundhog family tree.  Grandpappy Hog used to espouse themes of Ohio Valley domination.  And Grammy Hog was once charged with "treason" by the Department of HomeHog Security.   Her crime - she shat where she ate.

9) Next up, I would buy my neighbor's house.

Then, I would purchase the Cadillac of a local, elderly woman.  Yep, you know what's coming.  I would drive that car straight into the pool... and leave it there.       

8) Speaking of cars, "Saf, what kind of flashy, brand new car would you buy?  How about the hottest X666, Z69 super-turbo, quadro-powered Crossfire Hurricane?"  Honestly, I don't see this happening.  However, I would pay someone to fix the bumper on my 2001 Outback.  And we could fix Gigi's bumper on her '95 Civic.  We seem to have these non-desirable, but seemingly incurable bumper issues.  But honestly, I might finally buy a shitty golf cart.

7) This is a big one.  I would seek to eliminate any visible demonstration of the Christmas holiday within a surrounding 10-mile radius of my home.  How would I accomplish this feat?  Well, I'd go door to door and pay neighbors to remove their Christmas decorations.  Inflatable Walmart Santa Clauses would fetch a fitty, manger scenes bring in the Benjamin. 20 bucks a wreath sounds fair.  I would also buy up ALL the nearby presents and donate them to the undeserving children of Kenya.  Sensing an Obama gift-giving, global redistribution conspiracy, this would infuriate the local right wing churchies.

6)  I would also purchase every available Christmas tree and host a massive tree burning ceremony.  You've heard of book burnings.  Well this is kind of similar, except it's thousands of Christmas trees.  And I'd hire some of the finest musicians from out the crick.  Time to crank up a classic rendition of "Throw a-nudder tree on the fahr"

5)  I would purchase every available Steelers ticket I could get my hands on.  And I'd buy them in advance.  Yup, the two lamest words ever uttered by the humanoid species.  Then, I'd freely distribute them to every homeless individual in the city of Pittsburgh.  Ohh, the games people play.  It be gittin' all twisted up in da Burgh n'at!  Heinz Field be lookin' all krazy up in the hizzy!

4) I would hire my own team of dedicated "yuletide carollers."  But they'd only be allowed to sing Slayer songs.  "South of Heaven, Behind the Crooked Cross, Hell Awaits > The Antichrist...  you get the gist.  For some reason, I like the notion of everyone singing the lyrics acapella.  Think in terms of a Slayer barbershop quartet.  "Bastard sons begat their cunting daughters, promiscuous mothers with their incestuous fathers, ingrained souls condemned for all eternity..."

3) At my official press conference, I would only field questions regarding religion and politics.  You know how from time to time the public despises some douchebag who wins the lottery.  The arrogant asshole, the welfare queen, the white trash Nascar dumbshit, the guy who doesn't speak English, the guy who was already super-wealthy... Well, at my big press conference, I would only take questions concerning the two most ill-advised, divisive topics (religion and politics).  Afterwards, I would spend absurd amounts of money on television advertising.  The purpose of the ads - to lambast the lottery itself.  The absurdity of low-income monetary recycling would be exposed in great detail.  And I would openly ridicule anyone who engages in this mindlessly driven, government sponsored form of gambling.  How's that for an ongoing public relations nightmare?

2) Next up.  I'd hire every local mall store Santa and Jerry Garcia look-a-like.  That's right.  I'd put them all on the payroll.  Transport them to the newly refurbished Ohio Valley Mall.  Remember the Salem Witchcraft Trials of the late 17th century?  Well, I would line 'em all up and put 'em on trial for accused crimes of mall store pedophilia.

Let the record reflect that on Saturday, December 24 at 10:04 am, young child Ethan sat on Santa's lap.  GUILTY!  Let the record reflect that during the week leading up to Christmas, the defendant uttered the phrase "Ho-Ho-Ho."  It was directed at a group of young girls purchasing Miley Cyrus posters.  Attempted solicitation to engage in overseeing an underage prostitution ring.  If that one fails, just nail 'em on the conspiracy charge.  (conspiring to represent themselves as the real Santa Claus)  Either way, the verdict is in...

1) "Saf, how about shutting down the entire Oglebay Festival of Lights?"  Nahhh.  That's way too low-brow.  I'd execute a far more hate-driven operation.  I would pay individuals to feign "car break downs" at the most vulnerable traffic choke-points on route 88 and various other locations throughout the park.  You know that 4 hour long, bumper-to-bumper trek through a Christmas winter-wonder land.  Well... now it's 8 hours.  Enjoy.

Honorable Mention: I'd buy all the sugar cereals at every local grocery store for a period of one year.  Do you see this disgusting shit?

 I wish for the neighborhood children to experience sugar cereal deprivation for the duration of one calendar year.  The ultimate accrual of annual joy.


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Steelers/Ravens (11-18-12) /

With a heightened sense of trepidation in the air, Gigi and I hit the Steelers/Ravens game Sunday night.  She was optimistic but I surmised our potential to score free tickets at about a 50/50 shot.  We took our spot on the very wobbly, but historic bench outside Gate A.  Every time I stand on that thing, I feel inclined to sing the Beach Boys.  And sure enough, Gigi will quietly sing along in a muted, guarded tone...

For those unfamiliar with the bench scene, there are two of them.  I prefer the bench closer to the Art Rooney statue.  I've named this particular bench, "Bench A-2."  The view from the other one was obstructed by a mobile dumpster.  That bench is appropriately named "Bench A-1."  Next time I'm down there, I'll bring a marker and christen the damn things.

Assigning naming rights to a bench or scribbling the word "cum" on a dumpster could be construed as a little less dramatic... but you get the drift.  

Well, we stood on that bench for about 25 minutes to no avail.  All of a sudden, there was a whirlwind of activity.  A man saw our sign and prepared to hand us a free print-out ticket.  Just as we were thanking him, this dude came out of nowhere and placed two tickets in my hand.  He-Bang!  He Bang!

The mysterious philanthropist bolted off in the distance before I could properly express my gratitude.  For a game of this magnitude, that was just way too fucking easy.

So we milled around for a bit and headed in just after the Steelers put up their first (and only) touchdown.  At halftime, there was a fantastic tribute to some hall-of-famers.

Incredibly cool.  Well, except for the fans on the 200 level who always scurry inside to the heated lounge area.  Fucking babies!  What an embarrassment.  Then again, you glance over to the main exit area and there are hoards of people streaming out of the stadium.  For the love of Allah, the score is 10-7 and it's the best regular season grudge match of the year.  And it's a nationally televised night game.  And it's only half-time.  Just what is it about these people?  I swear to god, they just don't do this in other NFL cities.

It got me to thinking.  Someone needs to do a sped-up time lapse video of everyone exiting the stadium from halftime onward.  Show the bodies in fast forward and run a real-time counter.  It would make for some fascinating discussion.  After all, Steeler Nation is comprised of the greatest fans in the world.  Yeah... right.

I know...  I know... Saf, why are you so obsessed with the behavioral habits and movement of the crowd?  Well, it's just one of those deals.  Do not fear.  I'm not going to say it.  Suffice to say... 



The other highlight of the evening...
Gig saw 2 "tickets" sitting on top of an orange barrel outside Stage AE.  They looked like this...

At first glance, they seemed like some kind of matchmaking promotional material for a dating website.  I threw them in my pocket and didn't give it much thought.

Rummaging through my pockets the next morning, I made a closer examination.  These fugazi tickets are actually a marketing tool for a brand new company based out of Pittsburgh. is a GPS mobile based app that connects last minute buyers and sellers in a twitter based chat room setting.  Really, it's no big thang.  It's just the greatest moment in the history of the techno-scalping revolution.  And this app has other wide-ranging possibilities.  What if some youthful, aspiring yinzer needs a shot of Jagermeister?  What if some tailgaters are running dangerously low on Yuengling (the Pittsburgh equivalent of gasoline)?  What if someone wants to unload 100 unofficially merchandised Steelers hemp key chains at a reduced cost?  What if a bum/street person (with an iphone) wants your leftover black'n'gold lobster ravioli from Jerome Bettis Grill?  Well, you'd find out that it has been removed from the menu.

I've already exchanged emails with the guy who created the website (Levi Benson).  I think we're going to hook up in the near future.  This could be interesting. 

Ravens  13
Steelers  10