Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Tiki Bar and Grill

My harem and I ate at the Tiki Bar and Grill today in glorious downtown Wheeling. This place opened about 6 months ago to a wide variety of reviews; some favorable others scathing. I purposely avoided it until today. I got the email for Lunchtimez and was all on board.
For those of you unfamiliar with Tiki, it's basically a low-end attempt to capture the festive nature of Myrtle Beach and regurgitate it in the center of downtown Wheeling. This building used to be a shoe store. Then it was "Domino's Express Pizazz Pizza" - whatever the fuck that all means. Then, as the dust settled, it would morph into an unclean, disgusting Mexican Restaurant called Nogales. History would dictate a brand new restaurant in a year or so. And voila, Tiki Bar and Grill emerged.
I'd never been in the place. I walk in and it pretty much resembles a Jimmy Buffett parking lot. Lots of "fun" stuff to look at. Plenty of dollar store decorative items - lots of plastic statues and lays. It's as though the party just never stops (keep in mind, this is centrist Wheeltown). I guess I've never been a big fan of the whole Margaritaville movement, lots of pureed strawberries and tropical fun.
Our waiter was kind of like a Wheeling Sinatra. Very cordial and debonair, he is probably the most hospitable man in the 26003 zip code. He could turn the most mundane topic (our drink orders - 4 waters and 3 diet cokes) into a veritable plethora of side-splitting punchlines. Let's just say he was at the peak of his game.
The menu attempts to capture this "beach vibe" but it resembles more of a "Perkins meets Eat'n'Park." Basically, there's a bunch of hamburgers, sandwiches and salads - then they make it fun by throwing in a dose of salsa or pico di guyo (sp., I know).
I had the special - a turkey melt w/ fries and coleslaw. It may have been the special, but it was sadly lackluster albeit edible. I would think they'd make the daily special something a little more festive. Just a side note - the coleslaw was sub-par and it came in one of those tiny salad dressing containers. Fortunately, since the coleslaw was in the spectrum of "that which sucks," I considered it a non-issue. Regardless, I'd never complain about something so trivial. I just thought the weak portion was peculiar.
All in all, I'd have to give Tiki a lamentable thumbs down. I'd give the place another 6-8 months depending on how much money they opt to throw down the drain. I have a hunch that Lunchtimez was a harbinger of more things to come this evening. You see, I'm heading up to scalp the Jimmy Buffett show at Starlake. In and out - I love it on a Tuesday. All the drunk frat boys will be getting rid of tickets for $5-$10 a piece. "Yeah, but you don't understand, I paid $137 for this ticket." "Uh yeah, I"m painfully aware of that - how about 5 bucks? Just don't eat it."
I'll snag about a dozen or so and resell them at cost. Tonight's a great night to check out the EMT vehicle; tons of drunks will bite the dust, or at Starlake, they bite the rocky concrete surface, strewn with bits of charred glass and puddles of rhombus-shaped vomit . Welcome Parrotheads - an unusual sect of the populous that summons all their collective strength for one evening of summertime revelry!

Wip out that coconut bra! You are so zany!

Drink cheap Tequila, you know the shitty Pepe Lopez brand with the cool plastic Mexican sombrero on the bottle. Then, later that night, afix the sombrero to the head of your penis! What a blast.

Sing the good time refrain of Cheeseburger in Paradise. Then, on the way home, sing Mony Mony (get laid get fucked).

Reminisce about all the drunken fun times you've had at previous Buffett shows. Yeah, I got so wasted when I saw him in 96. Jimmy's da man.

44 year old divorced mother of 3, cinch in that pussy pillow! Tonight you will shine!

How about that one time? You know, when a dozen people cruised up to Buffett and continually filled a bucket with urine, and then from time to time, would empty it into one of those kiddie wading pools. Then, they'd watch the people swimming and splashing about in their urine. It's a felony, but it's so much fun. Only at a Jimmy Buffett show.

Monday, June 22, 2009


For over a year I've been predicting the use of texting to help facilitate looting in the United States. Well, I have a hunch the situation in Iran will take precedence. Of course, we've all seen the political unrest in Iran. Although protests have been conducted in over 50 cities, I imagine the main thrust of the unrest is in Tehran. Especially since the Neda woman got snipered and the footage was captured via the social network sites.
I'm thinking the use of twitter, despite the communication clampdown by the theocratic thugs, will be used heavily during the variety of ensuing phases of this rebellion. I'm assuming there will be continued protests. I could be wrong. Tehran is an incredibly modern, spread out city. It actually resembles Phoenix, AZ. It would be exceedingly difficult to mobilize the revolutionary guard and various govt. militia representatives to combat infrequent, sudden looting. This is the shit twitter was made for. Coordinating mass chaos in an instant. They've mentioned repeatedly on CNN, using twitter, that the timing and location of future protests must be kept secret right up until crunchtime. Well, there you go.
It'll be interesting to see if a group of well-coordinated citizens could take out a pipeline or something of monetary value. In the long run, torching a bus/ambulance has little effect. Of course, when over a hundred thousand people defy the Supreme Leader and participate in street protests - this is definitely an important component. But I suspect the military apparatus and conventional police forces will wear them down over time. I'm definitely not in tune with the general vibe on the streets of Tehran. I get my info like everyone else - mostly CNN/MSNBC and occasionally the BBC. Fox is so far out of the mainstream, one can hardly fathom how they could be viewed as a credible source of information in the Middle East.
Seriously though, the political upheaval, specifically in the capital city of Tehran, seems ripe for sudden and highly focused looting via twittering and other instant messaging forums. I guess it's dependent on how effectively the govt. can crack down on the existing communication systems. Obviously, they can kick out virtually every foreign news correspondent, but you just can't effectively impose martial law when everyone (particularly the youth) have cell phones with video messaging capabilities. I think the images of the 20 yr. old Neda Girl will have vast, far reaching implications. It reminds me of the guy who stood before the tank in Tianamin Square. Whether or not there's a political transformation or change in Iran - I don't know. In fact, I think it's plausible to say that A-Jad may have even legitimately won the election - I don't know. I do know one thing though. The images of the Neda woman will not be fleeting. I think they'll stand the test of time. I'm curious to see how this all pans out.
Wouldn't it be a fascinating development if the mullahs temporarily ban the use of cell phones and twittering because they "claim it's subversive to Islam" and "treasonous behavior designed to overthrow the existing government." Talk about oppression... If they could pull off something like that on such a massive scale, well, let's just say... for the love of Allah.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Holla back, asshole

Late Friday night after the Pens won the cup, Jepsonian calls me, "Hey I've got free tickets to the No Doubt concert tomorrow night. Wanna go?" I forgot all about it until the next day. It was an unusual foursome - Me, Jepson, Cheyenne and Katrina. I half-heartedly agreed to drive, mainly for purposes of quality control. The crew seemed a bit disorganized, mostly cooler and beverage issues. When I saw the green apple Bacardi and the kahlua espresso beverages, I knew something was a tad askew. I usually prefer to keep things very streamlined - case of beer, bag of ice - done.
En route, we stopped at a "luau" in Follanbsee which was actually a birthday party for a 5 year old girl Sydney. Nice crew of pleasant individuals. This was probably a decent idea since I wasn't sure a No Doubt parking lot is my kind of tailgating scene. Later on, I would stand to be corrected.
On the way in, Katrina snagged a freebie VIP parking pass from a family in a minivan. They were impressed with my Red Wings sign. It says RED WINGS, but then you lift up the cardboard flap, and it reads SUCK COCK. Not exactly an awe-inspiring message but every once in a while you go with old school simplicity. I made other signs as well...

These twins died for your sins (pic of Chrisagis Brothers from the Saturday Faith section of the newspaper)
PALIN SUCKS (and so does her daughter)

and a few other miscellaneous Penguins signs. Most were well received.

I'd say about 18,000 people showed up for this thing. I was expecting a 20 something crowd of screaming girls. What I failed to anticipate was the massive throng of "emo-fagolicious vampires." The closest approximation would be a youthful version of the gay pride Mardi Gras pararde in New Orleans. They really came out in full force. Some of these guys have no shame. They really let it all hang out. It made for some highly impressive people watching at the top of the steps. My motto has always been "Let them come to us." And sure enough, they came. The weather really helped out - many of the morbidly obese women were accompanied by their homophonic leaning boyfriends/husbands. This would be a recurring theme. One woman would be adorned with the title - Green Manalushi with a two-pronged gunt. Others had multi-tiered gunts proudly displayed with a reckless temerity I've grown accustomed to seeing at similar concerts. Ahhh, the impudent effrontery.
The girls zipped in to see the opening band - Paramore. They had pavilion seats, we had lawn. I was more than content to just have a few beers and wait for No Doubt. We made our way in at crunch time and headed for the lower steps. I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of jubilation when the band took the stage. I will say one thing - Their fans truly love this band. The band itself sounded fine. I guess they pride themselves on being the zaniest, melodramatic band of all time. Gwen Stefani runs around the stage yelling "Uhhh Uhhh Ooooh Oooooh " about every 10 seconds. I don't think it matters what the song is. This appears to be her trademark. She'd also be doing pushups and a wide variety of calisthenics.
The other band members aroused deep within me an urge to spontaneously vomit. The drummer, with the spiked out hair wore a tutu. The trumpet playing fuck was almost as annoying. During Stefani's costume changes, the band would go off on these bizarre fun-filled unrelenting ska tangents. They were just soooo crazy. Honestly though, I've never seen anything quite like it. Remember in your 20's where you'd always know a few girls who had the gay boyfriends because they were non-abusive and liked to go clothes shopping. They'd live in a continual state of denial because their prior boyfriend was some 4-wheeling drunk abusive asshole. Ohhh, he's not gay. He's just sensitive and he likes to "dress up." I think he's hot. Then, over the course of a few months, the eyeliner and excessive hair gel commences. Then, the occasional high pitched gay tantrum. Finally, the other man emerges and threatens the current girlfriend, "I don't think so honey! Don't go there girlfriend." Well, I'd say this faction comprised a pretty convincing percentage of the attendees. Kind of like the Kurds in Iraq. Sequestered to the North, they operate independently and reject the usual societal norms. Well, not last night as it was their time to shine. This was their night.
As we exited, a 20 year old girl was lying in a fetal position on the asphalt. Her friends were trying to get her to move, but she wouldn't budge. As the EMT golf cart showed up, we both simultaneously remarked, "Somebody help her! Somebody do something!" She staggered to her feet and started screaming at her friends, "Why wouldn't someone help me?" Jepson and I flashed each other a look of credulity and we both remarked (again simultaneously) "That's what we were trying to do! We were trying to help!" It provided a nice dose of circular closure for the evening. Sometimes you really want to help people, but as much as you try, they just don't want your help.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Go Pencils

So I'm watching a Sopranos rerun yesterday on A&E. Tony B. says to Carmella, "I make a mean Rusty Nail." I had heard of this drink a few times. Never having seen one, I wondered what's in it. So I google it, and lo and behold, the main component is Dewars! I actually spoke out loud, alone in my kitchen at 9:30am, "Hey, that's my drink! I drink that stuff!" I normally try not to talk to myself.
So a Rusty Nail is 3 parts Dewars, 1 part Drambuie - over ice. I figure, hey this might be good. I'll go buy a bottle of Drambuie. So I go to CVS and buy a bottle of this stuff for $30. That seems pretty expensive for a "Scottish liqueur crafted with aged malt whiskies, spiced honey and a recipe kept secret since 1745." I figured, if the Pens win tonight, I'm going to celebrate with a Rusty Nail.
So later last night, me and Chris H. are at Tony and Cleos and I ask Kara if she has ever had a Rusty Nail. She looks at me and gives this "ohhh, that drink is gross and disgusting - you want one of those?" I respond affirmatively. We try it. This has got to be the most disgusting beverage ever conceived. Drambuie tastes a lot like overly sweetened licorice infused Jagermeister with just a slight hint of ass. It totally overpowered the defenseless Dewars. It's kind of reminiscent of those white trash fuckheads who submerge sauerkraut with an enormous quantity of brown sugar. You know who you are.
Anyway, I've got this unopened bottle of Drambuie. I ditched the receipt when I left CVS, but I'm going to try and return it today. I'm pretty sure I will be successful. There's a CVS tag on the bottle and the seal isn't broken. I just don't wish to have any further contact with this Drambuie bullshit.
Anyway, it seems like the playoffs have been going on for about 6 weeks or so. Every single day, you read the endless cries on Facebook. Continue a Pens wave or "Let's go Pens" or Tina is a fan of Evgeni Malkin, click here to become a fan or "Pixburgh - City of Champions N'at" or "Bring back the Cup" or "I Love Crosby." OK. I get it. Seriously, I have gotten it about 50 times or so.
Now for the reality check. Detroit is something like 12-1 at Joe Louis Arena in the playoffs this year. I think their sole loss was an overtime defeat against Chicago. Basically, at home they appear invincible. The oddsmakers have the Red Wings favored, but it's hockey so the line is pretty tight. Nothing out of the ordinary there. HOWEVER, all the pressure is on Detroit. You know who lives in Detroit (well, Clarkston) - my Uncle Dick. Er uhhh, I mean Uncle Jack. Is this of any relevance? Possibly.
You see, there'd be a strange sense of poetic justice if the Pens win the Cup tonight. Pixburgh is the City of Champions. Detroit is home to General Motors, the hapless Detroit Lions, and of course my Uncle Jack. I have this odd feeling in my gut that everything comes full circle tonight. Normally, I'd want to host a Game 7, but my neighbor fuckface is having two slabs of his concrete driveway resurfaced. Technically, you can get through without driving over the concrete but the margin for error is slim and I lack the requisite confidence in several potential attendees. Fuckface even erected two wooden blockades that read "Driveway closed till Monday" - yes, "till" is misspelled. I might go down and scratch out the other "L".
It just seems like all the stars are aligned for a good night of contrasts.

With all this in mind, I think Detroit goes down.

Penguins 4
Red Wings 2

In keeping with the utter zaniness, I'll go WAY OUT on a limb and give the empty net goal to Fleury. GO PENCILS!

Friday, June 05, 2009

Wheeling CDBG idea

The city of Wheeling just got about $400,000 as part of a federal Community Development Block Grant-Recovery program. So we get almost a half million bucks and the city council morons (with the exception of James Tiu) want to spend it on upgrading the restrooms in the Capitol Music Hall. The main thrust of this objective is to make them handicap accessible. While I honestly sympathize with the plight of the handicapped, this must be the most fucking retarded waste of money I've ever seen.
First and foremost, the Capitol Music Hall is currently not in operation. The symphony left years ago. Every once in a blue moon, a mid range touring act would show up. And there'd also be the annual Linsly Extravaganza (gay). But right now, the doors are locked. As if renovating the restrooms is going to usher in this new era of downtown prosperity.
There's a reason no private entity wants to buy the Capitol. It isn't financially viable. It would cost a shitload to upgrade it, let alone heat the thing in the winter. It also needs a working sprinkler system to comply with existing fire codes. It also has some kind of rodent infestation issues going on in the back. I'm not entirely anti-Capitol Music Hall. It's a spectacular venue. But throwing a half million dollars at it??? What the fuck is that?
We've already got a venue (the Wheeling Island Ballroom) which can host an event for about 1,000. Granted, the Capitol is about 2,000, but there's the Pepsi Cola Roadhouse near Weirton which already has a lock on those mid-range touring acts. The Palace Theatre in Greensburg is marginally successful, but they feed off a nearby population base of over a million. Wheeling feeds off Rush Limbaugh admirers and General Tso, Bloomin Onion eating fucks.
Ok. So here's the half-million dollar question. "Fuck you Saf! What would you do with the money?"

I would build a BOARDWALK that starts at the South end of Wheeling Island and goes along the Ohio river all the way to suspension bridge. I'm not an expert on the price of lumber, but I imagine the cost and labor would be somewhere in the range of 500 lodge. Perhaps more I suppose. Wheeling could become known as the fake Atlantic City. We've already got the casino style gambling. Never underestimate the allure and convenience of I-70. It's the third most heavily traveled interstate in the country. Plus, we've now got those cool "I-70" fast lane logos on the pavement. Nice.
The Victorian houses along South Front could be used as trinket & craft shops. Let's face it. Most of the dumbshits who go to the casino are these little old ladies (some are corpulent) from Zanesville, Cambridge and elsewhere in Ohio. These are the types that eat up that shit. Beanie babies, I LOVE WHEELING t-shirts, crappy fake jewelry and sweatshirts that read "Grandma's my name and Spoiling's my game" - this shit is the sole purpose of their putrid existence. Plus, I think all of South Front is already zoned for light business and some of those homes are impressive, from an architectural standpoint. Some people dig those non-insulated Victorian houses that cost $800/month to heat in the winter. Oh yeah, get on the budget asshole.
Another plus, it connects the Island with downtown Wheeling - this would help boost attendance with the Italian Fest, the Jazz Fest and the African American jubilee thing. And the hike isn't really that far, maybe about 3/4 mile up and back. And it would also showcase the Suspension Bridge.
It would also blend in well with all the fitness/walking trails already in existence. I know it's not fashionable around here to encourage outdoor exercise among the morbidly obese church going WV Northern Baptists who proudly display their collective gunts (gunt is the more aggressive terminology of pussy pillow - it is a combination of both "gut" and "cunt").
And the damn thing would be indestructible when the Island floods, as I'm sure it will again eventually. Plus, most of that area is the highest elevation on the Island. South Front has always been the least affected by the floods, except for the houses on the end.
It also has proximity to the Wheeling Island Stadium for football games and the occasional rock concert (Styx and/or Dwight Yoakim this summer) - probably more to come in the future. I'm sure you could install some decent inexpensive lighting to dissuade the flasher weirdo fucks that regularly frequent the other paths around town. People might actually go downtown to eat (not something I'd currently recommend to friends of mine). Perhaps for my enemies - Nail City or River Shitty is appropriate. Those appetizers kick ass - Vomitous infused gruel w/ excremental topping is a Benwood favorite, or so I've heard.
The main component of my idea - if you want to do something to invigorate downtown Wheeling, why not try to catapult off one of the few successful businesses in Wheeling - the casino. Hell, the casino is already above the law with the whole nonsensical exemption of the indoor smoking ban. Maybe we could use that to our advantage to actually improve things in this god-forsaken wasteland of a town.
By the way, instead of spending a half million on handicapped restrooms, here's an idea from a 3rd grader at Woodsdale Elementary School. "Mommy, why don't they just bring in an oversized handicapped port-a-potty for the 3 or 4 people at the event." I hate to say it but that solution is just way too easy.

Honestly, we could be the "fake Atlantic City." I prefer that over Wheeltown. Slightly.