Sunday, June 14, 2009

Holla back, asshole

Late Friday night after the Pens won the cup, Jepsonian calls me, "Hey I've got free tickets to the No Doubt concert tomorrow night. Wanna go?" I forgot all about it until the next day. It was an unusual foursome - Me, Jepson, Cheyenne and Katrina. I half-heartedly agreed to drive, mainly for purposes of quality control. The crew seemed a bit disorganized, mostly cooler and beverage issues. When I saw the green apple Bacardi and the kahlua espresso beverages, I knew something was a tad askew. I usually prefer to keep things very streamlined - case of beer, bag of ice - done.
En route, we stopped at a "luau" in Follanbsee which was actually a birthday party for a 5 year old girl Sydney. Nice crew of pleasant individuals. This was probably a decent idea since I wasn't sure a No Doubt parking lot is my kind of tailgating scene. Later on, I would stand to be corrected.
On the way in, Katrina snagged a freebie VIP parking pass from a family in a minivan. They were impressed with my Red Wings sign. It says RED WINGS, but then you lift up the cardboard flap, and it reads SUCK COCK. Not exactly an awe-inspiring message but every once in a while you go with old school simplicity. I made other signs as well...

These twins died for your sins (pic of Chrisagis Brothers from the Saturday Faith section of the newspaper)
PALIN SUCKS (and so does her daughter)

and a few other miscellaneous Penguins signs. Most were well received.

I'd say about 18,000 people showed up for this thing. I was expecting a 20 something crowd of screaming girls. What I failed to anticipate was the massive throng of "emo-fagolicious vampires." The closest approximation would be a youthful version of the gay pride Mardi Gras pararde in New Orleans. They really came out in full force. Some of these guys have no shame. They really let it all hang out. It made for some highly impressive people watching at the top of the steps. My motto has always been "Let them come to us." And sure enough, they came. The weather really helped out - many of the morbidly obese women were accompanied by their homophonic leaning boyfriends/husbands. This would be a recurring theme. One woman would be adorned with the title - Green Manalushi with a two-pronged gunt. Others had multi-tiered gunts proudly displayed with a reckless temerity I've grown accustomed to seeing at similar concerts. Ahhh, the impudent effrontery.
The girls zipped in to see the opening band - Paramore. They had pavilion seats, we had lawn. I was more than content to just have a few beers and wait for No Doubt. We made our way in at crunch time and headed for the lower steps. I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of jubilation when the band took the stage. I will say one thing - Their fans truly love this band. The band itself sounded fine. I guess they pride themselves on being the zaniest, melodramatic band of all time. Gwen Stefani runs around the stage yelling "Uhhh Uhhh Ooooh Oooooh " about every 10 seconds. I don't think it matters what the song is. This appears to be her trademark. She'd also be doing pushups and a wide variety of calisthenics.
The other band members aroused deep within me an urge to spontaneously vomit. The drummer, with the spiked out hair wore a tutu. The trumpet playing fuck was almost as annoying. During Stefani's costume changes, the band would go off on these bizarre fun-filled unrelenting ska tangents. They were just soooo crazy. Honestly though, I've never seen anything quite like it. Remember in your 20's where you'd always know a few girls who had the gay boyfriends because they were non-abusive and liked to go clothes shopping. They'd live in a continual state of denial because their prior boyfriend was some 4-wheeling drunk abusive asshole. Ohhh, he's not gay. He's just sensitive and he likes to "dress up." I think he's hot. Then, over the course of a few months, the eyeliner and excessive hair gel commences. Then, the occasional high pitched gay tantrum. Finally, the other man emerges and threatens the current girlfriend, "I don't think so honey! Don't go there girlfriend." Well, I'd say this faction comprised a pretty convincing percentage of the attendees. Kind of like the Kurds in Iraq. Sequestered to the North, they operate independently and reject the usual societal norms. Well, not last night as it was their time to shine. This was their night.
As we exited, a 20 year old girl was lying in a fetal position on the asphalt. Her friends were trying to get her to move, but she wouldn't budge. As the EMT golf cart showed up, we both simultaneously remarked, "Somebody help her! Somebody do something!" She staggered to her feet and started screaming at her friends, "Why wouldn't someone help me?" Jepson and I flashed each other a look of credulity and we both remarked (again simultaneously) "That's what we were trying to do! We were trying to help!" It provided a nice dose of circular closure for the evening. Sometimes you really want to help people, but as much as you try, they just don't want your help.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

did gwen go commando that night?