Directly below is a blueprint for how to destroy the 2020 Republican National Convention. I call it "Code Blue." Enjoy!
In 2016, Gigi and I hit up both political conventions. The Republicans in Cleveland and the Democrats in Philadelphia. Time well spent.
This summer, the Republican National Convention is scheduled for Charlotte, North Carolina at the Spectrum Center. August 24 thru August 27. Now last time around, the conventions were literally on top of each other. However, this time, there's a five week time lag. Just the requisite amount of time necessary... to obliterate the grand 'ol party. Hint: sabotage.
If there's one thing you noticed outside the Wells Fargo Center in 2016, it was the DNC protestors across the way in FDR Park. More of a carnival atmosphere. Plenty of fringe elements. This may come as quite a shock, but not everyone's on board with the Anonymous 'Guy Fawkes' mask crew, or the make love/not war Code Pink grannies, or the abNORML dreadlocked Rasta dude smoking mushrooms complaining about drug criminalization and the need for comprehensive prison reform. Or even worse, the multi-tatted, mega-pierced lizard man. Lamenting about how the job market totally sucks. You see what I'm getting at, na't? It's just not a good look.
Now traditionally speaking, the RNC was just a bunch of country club Repubes. However, with the cult-like idolization during the reign of Trump, it's now become more of a nationalistic freak show. Patriot dynamos dressed in red, white and blue. Monster pick-up trucks adorned with Trumpalicious bumper stickers. A mammoth wall, in the form of a parade float, swooshing around the premises. Stacks of t-shirts with antiquated references to Hillary consuming semen.
However, the core of politicians inside the arena will remain largely unchanged. Exceedingly wealthy elderly albino politicians from all the red states. Dressed in power suits with long red ties. Or Melania-inspired thousand dollar pant suits. Like Zeppelin says, the song remains the same.
So whaddya say we shake up the party? As in show me the money! Maybe put some of those Bloomberg billions to good use. But for the love of fake news CNN, not with another onslaught of repetitious, self-aggrandizing political commercials. NO MORE!
Instead, let's take it to the streets! Let's hire some talent. To get deep in there and duke it out. On the ground, by the pound, and in the round! The media would eat this shit up!
My proposal consists of hiring dedicated teams of "agitators" and "instigators." Direct them to infiltrate the entire city of Charlotte, with a primary concentration on the Spectrum Center. Their sole purpose: to marginalize and exaggerate, humiliate and denigrate. To make utter fools out of those attending the convention. To make everyone look like extremist imbeciles. To portray the entire Trump led Republican party as bozos and whack-jobs. Get the picture?
The time has come to manufacture a toxic environment of absolute absurdity. A synthetic tsunami of stupidity. We're going to bring back the lost arts of association and affiliation, through a conjunction junction what's your function maneuver. It's the kind of challenge literally made for high stakes, live television.
Well I say... if Trump wants a show, let's give him a show! (Eazy-E style) It's easy.
So here's my Top 10 list of fugazi Republican protest groups. Keep in mind, these are bloodthirsty, tribal fucking, mean-spirited gangs. Because this is televised warfare. (something the Democratic establishment doesn't quite git)
Simply train and deploy. And then seek and destroy.
The O' Connell Guard!
The Plug Uglies!
The Shirt Tails!
The Forty Thieves!
Crusty bitches and ragtags? Fuck that!
Suffice it to say, my gangs are NOT a bunch of Miss Nancies.
The Coat Hangers - My personal favorite. A group of punk rocking renegades. They physically hang out... with metal coat hangers dangling from their ear lobes. You just gotta remove the stupid disc thingies. Hell, it's as easy as preventing 9/11.
Merely replace "never again" with "24/7." Straight outta the lobes.
Now according to the Chinese zodiac, 2020 is the year of the rat. But I believe 2020 to be the year of the gage. With coat hangers in tow, scan the streets for visibly pregnant woman. Witness the Scarlet E. As in embryo. It's your biblical responsibility, your evangelical duty, your native nativity... to ask any woman with child and all those deemed preggers...
"May I offer you a late term abortion? Preferably in a convenient back alley?"
When the woman declines, barrage her with random two syllable embryonic slurs: Fetus! Forceps! Zygote! Cervix! Ovum!
The Weaponizers - These guys are a deviant offshoot of the National Rifle Association. All of them sport Scot-induced, Braveheart-inpsired, facial warpaint. Turns out that sticks and stones will break bones. Sucked!
All Weaponizers constantly scream one word... "Freeeeedom!" In the library, on the trolley, at the gas pump, wherever.
Their overriding objective is to decriminalize the use of ALL weapons. Trucks, cars, swords, piranhas, chemical weapons (including ricin and anthrax), hand grenades, catapults, and so on. These patriots are hardcore 2nd Amendment! They even wish to legalize ancient torture devices. And what better a fight song than Iron Maiden's "Iron Maiden?" Their ultimate goal is to capture the enemy alive, strip them naked and immobilize the body. Meanwhile, a genetically modified Venus Flytrap gently nibbles on the penis... for days. The graphic nature of the propaganda speaks for itself.
The Wallers - Wallers are required to dress like Trump-inspired versions of Humpty Dumpty. I know, I know... it's not easily adaptable. Use your imagination.
Has an Oompa Loompish orangeish overtone, eh?
The Wallers walk concentric circles in the public square. Reciting an alternative version of the Mother Goose classic...
Trumpty Dumpty built a great wall
Trumpty Dumpty built a great wall
All the king's horses and all the king's menAnd of course... Build that wall! Build that wall! U.S.A.! U.S.A!
Helped Make America Great once again
Helped Make America Great once again
But these Wallers thrive in the cold. Their overarching aim is to build a Great Northern Wall across the entire U.S./Canadian border. Because extremist terrorists are flooding in from the North. Some on boats. Many on sleds. Most travel in "rape gangs" properly referred to as "Games of Throbbing Boners," Not to be confused with a "Game of Black Swans" or "Game of Throners." Their rallying cry is to 'defend and protect the North'. Kapla! Kaplah! Qapla! The true heart of a Waller is admittedly Klingon.
The Taxaholics - This group of fiscal hawks bores the living shit out of everyone. They're mostly comprised of reactionary economic conservatives and bean counting accountants. Their fundamental objective is to raise taxes on the poorest segments of the population. That's correct, they want to tax the homeless. And extract money from random heroin junkies, crack whores, prostitutes, disabled veterans, and the like. The "Taxis"... as they're affectionately named, carry around stacks of IRS forms. Waving them violently in the face of anyone and everyone. 1040's, 1099's, W-2's... as far as the eye can see. Remember when Trump promised that you’d be able to submit your entire tax form on a postcard. Yeah, right!
The Trumper Thumpers - An evangelical knock off on the phrase “bible thumpers." They hold up miniature pocket copies of the Old Testament and vehemently preach on heavily foot trafficked street corners. Basking in the fluorescent glow of all that is Trump.
"The planet is only 6,000 years old!"
"Dinosaurs still live amongst us!"
"I want to fuck a Bront."
It's a Mesozoic, biblical frenzy. Everyone's dressed up in a dinosaur costume. But with a pious twist. Throw in that "paypal" hat. Yarmulke, turban, whatever. Each chapeau inscribed with the same message --- "Keep Dinosaurs Great." For the finale, a snarling Trumpian Rex enters the fray. Just morph together whatever the fuck this thing is.
The Germies - Grounded in that lovable group of misfits from The Goonies. Just resurrect this guy and give him a Trump-tard makeover. Gotta be honest here. It's ain't much of a stretch.
The Germies central tenet is that the Coronavirus, and all other viruses (herpes, gonorrhea, just to name a few), can be directly transmitted through cyberspace. What the fuck? Yep, it appears Bill and Melinda Gates have somehow weaponized the viral transmission of wireless information. (And I had the temerity to think that I was the only person with a monopoly on generational warfare, i.e., indiscriminate killing without conventional weaponry)
The Germies wander through the crowd. Coughing, sneezing, hacking, belching, spitting, puking, cropdusting, et al. They're especially known for their hospitality. Always wanting to shake hands and kiss babies.
The Kimunos (pronounced Kim-Un-Knows). Bring on the sex kittens! Smaller males and slender females all scantily clad in traditional Asian attire. Newsflash: male kimonos actually exist. I was completely unaware of this. But hey, it's an ecouraging development in the masculine Asian lingerie space. And what a great way to beat the late summer Charlotte heat! Behold the two separate factions.
Obviously, you need to photoshop out the suit and polo shirt. Just add a kimono and the head! You probably think I'm joking. I am not. Just wave those ping pong paddle-shaped placard things.
The diehard Kimunos have but one unified objective. They all want Donald to dump the First Lady. As in divorce Melania and marry Kim Jong Un. Throw that bitch to the K-Street curb and hook up with Little Rocket Man. Mazel Tov! Hey, if North Korea acts up during the summer of 2020, this could be a defining, wildcard, game changer.
The fairy tale love story of Donald J. Trump and Kim J. Un is predicated upon a torrid literary exchange. Hot hot hot. Pen(is) pals aside, Trump is always eager to volunteer that singular moment. When they fell in love. Simply stated, the Kimunos ultimate holy grail... is for a second gentleman in the White House. Kimuno leadership is even on record as willing to cross party lines and settle for a Democratic president. Namely Pete Boot Edge Edge and heartthrob husband Chasten.
A homosexual POTUS & F-DOTUS (first dude) is their numero uno priority.
The Fast Foodies — Plenty of nearby fast food eateries surround the Spectrum Center. But nary a McDonalds in sight. So focus your energy on Chick Fil-A, Dunkin, Burger King, Bojangles, B-Dubs, etc. Ronald masks are inexpensive and plentiful. Stock up.
Roam through all the nearby restaurants with a camera or cell phone dangling from thy neck. Disrupt everyone's meal and take pictures of that flame broiled Whopper Deluxe or limp chicken bizkit. Post immediately on social media. #FastFoodies
So where do the Fast Foodies get their inspiration? Excellent query. Well, they get it directly from the fat. Specifically the gock and gunt of recreational mealers. It's all about their dedication toward monitoring a stranger's caloric intake. They fervently believe that Donald J. Trump is the most physically fit commander-in-chief to have ever served our great nation. And we owe it all to Donald… a/k/a McDonald. That’s what they refer to him as "The McDonald," and sing his praises and worship accordingly.
Hand out bogus McDonald coupons and bunk printouts for free Happy Meals. #MAHA. As in Make America Happy Again… with happy meals. The FF's are generally a pleasant, jolly bunch. Not driven by ideological rage or political venom.
The Stormy Chasers --- Also known as the Fake Boobies. Not to be confused with the aforementioned Fast Foodies. This group's concerned about the lack of porn on the internet. Let's be honest. We're facing a severe shortage of cyber-nudity. We need to make America horny again.
The Stormy Chasers also call for mandatory breast implants. To be paid for... with the hard earned American tax dollar. Not to mention a Boob Job Amendment to the Constitution. A national lowering of the age for plastic surgical consent. Fourteen years old will be the new age limit for artificial breast augmentation as well as any miscellaneous titty-related endeavors.
The Spray Tanners — Often incorrectly referred to as 'Beach Bums.' They're a flock of seagull-like individuals who march around hotel swimming pools. Adorned with Trump wigs and ridiculously over-the-top spray tans. They generously hand out carrots and oranges. Preaching about the benefits of beta-keratin and Vitamin C. Most of them hail from Florida having lived in close proximity to neighboring Mar-a-Lago beaches. West Palm and Deerfield, Riviera and Delray.
So there you go. That's ten. Count 'em up. Ten extrapolative ideas for fringe Republican groups, whose sole purpose is to mock and demean, smash and trash the entire Republican party. Of course, no politician would never have the courage to implement such a devious operation. But what about all you rebellious college kids? From the neighboring dozen universities? With all those drama departments?
Well I say, "students of North Carolina Unite!" Duke, Wake, Fuck, Suck. I'm calling on you! Stryper style!
Make it happen. There's no scraps in my scrap book. Merely hunks of scalp.