Sunday, October 30, 2011

Occupy: Belichick's Ass

Normally, I don't blather on and on about my free ticket/sign endeavors. With one major exception - the sign I took to the Elton John concert...


I'll just let that one speak for itself.  On the heels of the big game today (Steelers/Patriots), I'm taking it in a different direction.  Last night, I went out for the early portion of Halloween.  My costume didn't take much planning.  Just the regular faded jeans and long sleeve t-shirt.  For the prop, the best motto is "keep it simple, stupid."  So naturally, the sign would read... 


Hey, it was Halloween.  So the notion of occupying Bill Belichick's Ass was merely a small step in the evolutionary progression.  We'll see how it works.  I have grander ass-pirations for this one.  The last time I used a sign for the Titans game at Heinz Field, a man walked by.  He glanced in my direction and casually said two words - "Drink Piss."  Needless to say, my reaction was one of pure giddiness.   
Honestly, I think the Steelers are going to have some trouble in the late game.  Aside from the fact, that everyone's injured, I just don't like having to play Belichick off a bye week.  These are the type of games he wins.  Plus, he already lost that shootout on the road in Buffalo a few weeks ago.  

Here's my 4-banger wager of the week.  All 4 are upsets of course.

INDIANAPOLIS (+9.5) at Tennessee
(yeah, I know.  Indy was obliterated by the Saints last week 62-7.  But they always play Tennessee tough.  Spread seems very high.  And Tennessee is looking really erratic.  Colts gotta win at some point, even without Peyton Manning).

Cincinnati at SEATTLE (+3)
rookie qb heading into Qwest Field???  It's way too loud.  Seahwaks are tough at home.  Remember, they were a divisional playoff team last year.

San Diego at KANAS CITY (+3)
Chiefs aren't getting a lot of respect.  I think they'll step up in their prime-time Monday night game at Arrowhead.  Chargers coming off an emotional road loss to the Jets.  Norv Turner... that guy.  That's just not my kind of guy (Frank Costanza).

Detroit at DENVER (+2.5)
Everyone is jumping on the Lions bandwagon.  Let me tell you one universal truth.  The Lions have always sucked on the road.  I suspect they'll lose a close one in the altitude.

Anyhoo, take all 4 upsets.  It pays $10 to win $488.00.  I hate to say it, but if I had to place a bet on the game today, I'd take the Patriots (-3).  But I stopped betting on football years ago.  The more thrilling question...  will the sign yield a freebie?  I believe it will.  The bigger the game, the more I step up "my game."  I say two words - "Game On."  However, it's difficult to top "drink piss."

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Herman Cain can win this whole thing if...

At first I laughed at the prospect of Herman Cain being the Republican nominee.  A black business man with no political experience whatsoever?  You've gotta be kidding me.  Right?


Could a set of circumstances arise where even someone as liberal as me would vote for a hardcore social conservative?


Cain has a rare opportunity to position himself during a unique time in American history.  I have never seen such a variety of grassroots, populist movements.  Whether it be the teabaggers or the occupiers, there's a bigtime backlash against politics, Wall Street and business as usual.  This explains Mitt Romney's weak, frontrunner status.  Cain needs to take greater advantage of this... immediately.

First and foremost, he must say the following (preferably during a New Hampshire Republican debate)...  "All of you political pundits think of this primary as Cain vs. Romney or Cain vs. Perry.  It's NOT.  It's me versus everyone else on this stage.  It's me against "the system."  If you vote for me, you will NOT be getting a regular politician.  But wait, I can PROVE it.

All the other candidates are raising money as fast as they can.  All this does is beholden them to the corporate interests.  Well, compared to all the other Republican contenders and the billion dollar Obama warchest, I am running a different type of race.  If nominated, I'll just accept the 84 million dollars in federal matching funds.  You won't see me at these lavish Hollywood spectacles and big oil fundraisers.  I won't be the "campaigner-in-chief."  I won't be indebted to the lobbyists and the PACS.  I'll do what's right.  And I'll be the guy who's doing the job of being President.  Will any other candidate take that kind of pledge?  Of course they won't.  Because that's how it has always been done in Washington DC.  I'm looking to change that.  If you want the same old shit, vote for one of my opponents.

This has mass potential because you can eventually joke about running against Obama.  The television commercial and advertising ratio would be about 12-1.  The Obama ads will be running ad nauseum.  This makes for great poli-comedy.  Wow, you actually got to see one of Cain's ads instead of the 10-in-a-row all stroking Obama's ego, our savior-in-chief?  This makes for an excellent, condescending attack ad from Cain.   

Secondly.  Make a firm committment.  If elected president, if I can't get this economy "turned around" and "back on track,"  I won't run for another 4 year term.  You have MY WORD.  And trust me, Cain's word is pretty damn good.  Especially against Romney the flip-flopper.  It helps further differentiate him from all the others, even Obama.  And it provides for a helluva pivot into the general election.  And of course, it ain't business as usual.  The country craves something different.  They may not know exactly what, but they know the system is broken.

Thirdly, gently mock all your opponents for hiring consulting companies, pollsters, make-up artists, wardrobe assistants, etc.  With Herman Cain, what you see is what you get.  This would play incredibly well in the current anti-politico environment.  Cain appears very humble, reassuring and comfortable with himself.  Use more of this to deride all the others.  It's gold.  And it destroys Mitt.

And here's a novel idea.  Instead of pushing the 9-9-9 angle, how about this for a slogan.  NO SLOGANS.  Explain to the American public how all these slogans are worthless.  "Yes we can," "hope and change," all that other silliness...  How have all those slogans worked for you through the years?  Once again, I'm a different kind of candidate.   If you want the flashy production with the flags waving and the crowds cheering, I'm probably not the right candidate for you.  Listen, I know I love America.  I don't need to spend hundreds of millions to prove it.  This is good stuff because it rips and shreds and entire Republican field and also makes a mockery of the inevitable Obama campaign.  And Cain will never have much of a warchest, unless you count pizza discounts.  And again, your lack of cash on hand actually becomes a source of strength.

Cain's biggest asset is that he's NOT a politician.  He's a businessman.  Push all the "real world" job experience and emphasize your meager upbringing.  Even cleaning the toilets in a Burger King.  Well, maybe not that far.  It makes Romney, Newt, Perry and Obama look egalitarian and out-of-touch with regular folk.  It's not about carving up the battleground states - it's about winning the country.  It's about establishing an entirely new dynamic and winning all 50 states.  He could say, we've already passed the threshold of electing a black man president.  Now, the time has come to take it one step further and elect an outsider.  People want to hear about a jolt to the whole system.  Not tweaking all the existing problems around the edges.  Once again, this kills Romney with the bean counter approach.

Cain isn't going to raise a significant amount of money regardless.  He can use this to instantly devalue the legitimacy of the entire field and even Obama.  Listen up, I'll leave the raising of money to the RNC.  They don't need me doing these $10,000 photo ops.  Once again, stress the "work ethic" angle.  I'll be the President who's doing the job at hand.

I'm not sure Cain could pull of a win in Iowa.  The Iowa caucuses are tricky and you need to have the infrastructure in place.  All he really needs to do is just place in the top 3 which I think is plausible.  But I do think this strategy would sell in New Hampshire and black, conservative socialism is a winner in South Carolina.  By then, the momentum starts to pick up.  He already won that straw poll in Florida.

If Cain does decide to use a slogan, I strongly encourage him to go with "YOU HAVE MY WORD" - once again, it draws the major distinction between him and "all the others."  And it eliminates the monetary aspect.  Both critical components for a Cain victory.  Cain has a very trustworthy, convincing delivery.  I may not like his specifics, but I don't feel like he's doing anything to deceive me. 

One last thought, I would normally never consider voting for a social extremist like Cain over Obama... unless, I had ample reason to believe he was actually going to change the "way of things."  If Cain can convince the American people it's possible, or at the very least, he'll give it his honest, best shot, I think he can win this whole thing.  But he needs to take my advice.  And do it quickly.

The irony of all this.  The platform is so unconventional but really obvious.  I wonder if Herman Cain has thought of it.  I doubt any campaign staffer or political consultant would suggest it.  It runs in direct contrast to the entire presidential election business model.  One last word of advice for Cain - if you win the Republican nomination, pick Mitt Romney for Veep.  Mitt's the shit!  Other than Al Gore, if there was ever a human being genetically designed to be the vice-president... it's Mitt.  I don't like him, but he'd probably tear up Biden in the debates.

One more thing.  Tone down any religious nonsense and issue an immediate apology regarding the statement that "no Muslim would serve in a Cain cabinet."  And for the embryonic love of humanity, try to soften or at least scale back the extremist pro-life agenda, especially in cases of rape, incest and life of the mother.  It alienates mainstream voters.  Don't flip-flop on your principled stand.  It's okay to be a right wing fanatic, just make sure voters know it won't be the sole focus of your administration to overturn Roe vs. Wade.  Most voters don't mind if YOU are pro-life.  They just don't want to see the country turned upside down over abortion. 

And one more thought - it's okay to stand down a little from the 9-9-9 bit.  Just say that it's "the direction" you wish to see the country heading toward.  You don't want to appear too unflinching on specific economic issues.  On anything race-related, Cain's doing a great job.  Just stick with "race doesn't matter" - I judge people on their merits.  This plays well with Repub primary voters.

Anyway, that's how Herman Cain can become our next president.  Oh yeah, and try to get a credible anti-war Democratic candidate to the left of Obama to enter the race.  Maybe use that million in the bank to start a draft Dennis Kucinich or Bernie Sanders movement.  It might help shave a couple points off Obama.  But honestly, if Cain wants to win (I believe he does), you've got to alter the whole playing field and the established nominating methodology.  As I said, Herman Cain can win this whole thing if... he takes my advice.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Foundation for a Better Life (if you're an idiot)

Alright, where to begin?  They run this imbecilic commercial all the time.

For those who don't know, it's part of a Mitt Romney "Mormon normalization campaign" that has been going on since McCain disposed of him in the 2008 Republican primary.  They bought a shitload of advertising time on every cable channel known to man.  Probably a wise move. 

Remember the slew of "I'm your neighbor, I'm your teacher, I'm your doctor... and I'm a Mormon" commercials.  Yep.  Whatever happened to them?  Well, the Mormons didn't miraculously just go away.  They never left us.  They just morphed into the Foundation for a Better Life.  This segue way was some pretty strong marketing.  I'll give Romney's team credit for this one.  He assembled a professional campaign team.  For this reason alone, he deserves the nomination.  All the Rick Perry team can come up with is "he ain't a Christian, he's part of a cult."  Herman Cain likes black, walnut Haagendaz.  And all Bachmann can offer is that entranced, glazed look.  Similar to the look from Calissa, Newt's bedazzled wife.  But I digress.  It's so easy to get lost in the Republican field.

The Foundation for a Better Life has a few absurd commercials.  Most will remember the hoodlum, skater teenager who "steals" a woman's purse at the bus stop.  As he's diligently tailed by police (who don't even bother to get out of the car and try to chase the kid down), he valiantly jumps over puddles and sidesteps dog shit.  Out of breath from the 20 second dash, he finally reaches his intended target - the public bus.  Somehow, miraculously, the woman (who just happens to be black) conveniently has gotten off at the next stop.  Wouldn't the woman have yelled, "Please!  Stop the bus!  I forgot my purse!"  Instead she is greeted by the emo-punk who hands over the purse.  She flippantly says, "Thank you so much."  She never seemed even the least bit frantic.  A far cry from the behavior I've seen when a woman loses her purse.  And why didn't she offer him a reward?  She could have at least given the kid a few bucks or an Eat'n'Park gift certificate or something.  No gratitude whatsoever.  She could have at least given him a Tony & Cleo's drink chip.

And then the douchebag cops, who had suspected sinister behavior, offer the kid a doughnut.  What the hell is that?  Talk about weak stereotyping.  He should have "Fire in the Holed" the cop car with the glazed doughnut.  I know a man who once spotted a police car out in California.  While the cops were inside the convenience store, they had left cruiser running with the driver's side window just barely cracked.  My acquaintance took a bat hit off his one-hitter and exhaled the pot smoke into the policeman's car.  He then backed off and observed from a safe distance.  When the cops came back, they opened the door and WHOOSH - they got consumed by the marijuana smoke.  They were completely flabbergasted - they obviously thought someone had been puffing a doobie in their cruiser.  Not much they could do, other than feel helpless.  My friend grinned at them from a distance.

But it's the Foundation for a Better Life basketball commercial that angers me to no end.  During a timeout, this kid explains to the coach that he deflected the ball out of bounds.  Another team member with bad acne is irate, "Dude, it's the championship game!"  Another kid (of the same race) purposely bumps him when they leave the huddle.  But the coach proudly applauds this display of honesty and good sportsmanship.  Values, man.

What the fuck???  I'm not sure who's more mentally challenged, the kid or the coach.  Honestly, this must be the dumbest coach of all-time.  How the fuck did he make it to the championship?  Better yet, how did he get the coaching job in the first place?  Does he really think the ref is going to reverse his decision???  It doesn't work like that.  The ref's call is FINAL.  And the kid's not the sharpest peg either.  Going over to the ref, "I touched it ref.  It's their ball."  Who the hell would do this?  Decisions in basketball are final.  There aren't any do-overs.  It's not the NFL.  Meanwhile the music in the background trails off, "do it right." 

Notice the amount of minorities in these commercials.  What percentage of Mormons are black or hispanic anyway?  About the same number of Amish that classify themselves as Nazis.  

And what about the commercial where little "Timmy" is found missing at the symphony.  His parents don't seem particularly alarmed.  They exhibited the same amount of concern for their child as the woman did for her purse... not much.  Fortunately, Timmy and the concert pianist regale the crowd with a powerful rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  I'll admit, it did deserve a standing ovation.  Even I almost shed a tear... until I remembered it was the Romney campaign.

Saturday, October 08, 2011

how to destroy the Mitt Romney campaign

I couldn't help but notice the comments from Robert Jeffress, a Dallas, Texas mega-church Baptist pastor (what a great title) who introduced Rick Perry at some kind of Values Voters summit.  He basically said that "real" Christians shouldn't vote for Romney because Mormons, and the Church of Latter Day Saints, are a cult.  Thank god we have an intellectual authority who can make these critical distinctions about what constitutes a religious cult.  This way, nonbelievers like myself, can make better, more informed decisions.

Obviously, this crap sells for mainstream news these days.  I suspect that Perry's handlers needed something to deflect from the N*ggerhead scandal which I must say was absolutely devastating.  So they fought back with the most obvious choice (anti-Christian silliness) designed to appeal to low-brow Republican primary voters in Iowa and South Carolina.  Will it help Perry?  Probably.  But seriously, how fucking uninspired and lacking in creativity.  

Anyhoo, I thought of a killer way to destroy the Romney campaign.  Here's what you do.  You secretly organize and mobilize a team of about 40 racially mixed individuals.  Complete ethnic diversity across the board should be your focus.  You assemble them in Iowa on a plush Anderson tour bus.   You then have this group "popping up" at every Mitt Romney campaign stop throughout Iowa.  Then you get some video footage of this group from a bunch of different cities (Davenport, Sioux City, Iowa City, etc.).  Then you go for the kill.  You release the you-tube like excerpts to Fox News.  Ka-Splat!  That's the sound of Mitt going to shit.  Literally and figuratively.

Fox announcers would go off.  Who are these people?  Why are they at EVERY Mitt Romney campaign stop.  For the love of Christ (the latter day Saint one), Romney's campaign is literally "busing" people in.  These people are plants because Romney can't draw a crowd.  So he's doing what he does best - he's hiring actors to feign support.  This would be a vicious deathblow.  Even if you manage to expose it as a stunt, the damage is still done.  Any attention to this matter is still negative press because it makes Romney look like a sinister phony.  Especially in this current "hostile to mainstream politician" climate.

Just make sure the group really stands out.  So it looks very non-Iowan.  The more over-the-top, the better.  Definitely a yarmulke and a turban, a few Asians and blacks.  Hell, maybe even throw in a disaffected Amish.  They're in the news these days with the beard-cutting revenge plots.  You could even assemble some "secretly filmed" footage from a rest stop.  Maybe have them all doing stretching exercises.  After all, they've spent so much time on the bus, they're really sore.  That would be comical.  They're all in a straight line touching their toes or doing jumping jacks.   It would be the lasting image - one of those iconic political recollections.  Just like Gary Hart with the Monkey Business boat.  Or Michael Dukakis wearing that helmet, riding around in an army tank.

Far be it from me to help Rick Perry though.  Rick makes me... sick.  I just like the idea of utter chaos in the Republican primary.  Seriously, wouldn't it be cool to see their nominating process go all the way to the actual convention.  The Republican presidential primary has always been more of a coronation of sorts.  It would be very cool to see the lunatic right-wing fringe elements get down and dirty.  They would all be looking for innovative ways to out-right each other.  And that's just not right.