Thursday, January 19, 2017
A few weeks ago, I wrote a quick blog about plagiarized memes, or as I call them, "plemes." It was merely a commentary about how the facebook community has a propensity for sharing memes which echo their sarcastic interests and bolster their online ego. No big deal really. Viral memes are all the dispensation rage. Trust me, I get it.
But today I saw something fascinating. It magically appeared in my feed. It was a Trump tweet in the form of a meme, or as I call it, a "treme."
Of course, the list of replies that followed were all over the spectrum. Indignation and outrage, justification and solace. Hey, gotta be honest. That's a rather explosive statement from our newly elected crimson king.
But did you notice anything unusual about this specific treme? Well I did! No time, no date, no symbols, no retweet numbers, no profile pics of followers, etc. Hmm, that's because it's a fake! Whoever created it didn't even bother with the technical accoutrements. Ah yes, the audacity of the internet.
Sure enough, I googled "fake trump tweet generator" and a slew of sites popped up. Apparently, people like the concept of bombarding their friends with personalized, authentic Trump insults. Now the orange anus and I do have one thing in common. Our mutual loathing of Rosie O'Donnell. He just expresses his disgust in a far less comprehensive fashion.
But could this all be foreshadowing something bigger?
I suspect the release of this particular treme was specifically tailored to coincide with the inauguration. A feeble, yet aggressive attempt to reek facefuck/snapcrap/instashit havoc. Incite controversy and delegitimize the incoming regime. Once again, I get it. Well done.
Call me cray, but I think we're witnessing the emergence of a new social media trend --- the imposter tweet or fugazi meme. Just. Convincing. Enough.
Let's be honest. The majority of social media devotees aren't willing to read an entire article... even if it's a fake one. They want everything condensed into an easily digestible picture with a straightforward agenda. A natural outcome of Trump's twitter obsession. I think it speaks to a bigger issue --- the widespread dumbing down of social media and the population at large.
As someone who spends a great deal of time generating tedious propaganda, I'm a little offended by this overtly simplistic attempt at duplicity. But I'm also a realist and can see where society is trending. Like a runaway twitter freight train. Our new President unknowingly leading the charge. Choo-Choo-Choo, Tweet-Tweet-Tweet.
I suspect you'll see an inundation of tremes during the early days of the administration. Mostly incorporating the flamboyant Trump brand and exploiting his authoritarian personality paired with a 3rd-4th grade vocabulary. It's the hipper version of click-bait. Meme-bait!
We are going to build a great wall (between the U.S. and Mexico) and tear down a fake wall (between church and state)! #MAGA
(note the deliberate attempt to antagonize atheists, constitutional advocates, libertarians, just about anyone other than your prototypical Southern Baptists)
I have NEVER mocked anyone with disabilities. The media is the one whose picking on me!
(note the intentionally incorrect grammar --- "whose" instead of "who's")
Ringling Brothers Circus is a great American tradition. We want businesses to thrive... not fail!
(note the blatant attempt to infuriate animal rights activists. Just after Ringling Brothers finally announced they're going to cease operations. If you're clickbaiting, anything on the internet regarding animal cruelty is a proven commodity)
It's no wonder the Dumbicrats lost the election. They just don't get it. It's about jobs,jobs, jobs!
(note the token insult, improper punctuation and excessive use of the word "it" and "jobs")
I could write these tremes all... night... long... (Lionel Richie is coming. People will literally be dancing on the ceiling of PPG Paints Arena).
But I just don't have the desire to plug them into a fake Trump tweet generator. The mere act of doing so would reek of clinical desperation.
So if you're in the "fake Trump social media news business"... feel free to drop me a line (304-312-1395). Yeah, you'll have to hear about my stampede shit. But it'll be worth it. Hey, the best material Hillary Clinton's team offered up was female body shaming, assorted empathy plays on civil rights and grab 'em by the pussy. And they had a billion dollar budget to boot! What. A. Joke.
Unfortunately, the joke's on us.
Sunday, January 15, 2017
I normally don't post any of the poetry I write. Gotta be realistic. Most of the material is personalized so it normally wouldn't make much sense to the random blog passer-byer.
But tonight is different from all other nights. Just like Jew-Passover. It's the big game. Arrowhead baby. Releasing the poem would help substantiate my love for the black'n'gold.... or completely equivocate my steadfast devotion. Keep in mind, I'm quite positive the Steelers organization hates my guts.
Anyway, a little background on the poem. A buddy of mine took his daughter's high school gymnastic team to Liberty University for a regional meet. Jerry Fallwell is an evangelical leader who also serves as the President. Knowing full well that I have a significant degree of "anal animus" directed toward Reverend Fartwell, he snagged me these authentic red & white Liberty University. pom-poms. Shake, shake, shake your moneymaker.
Now... another one of our friends is reporting live tonight from the game in Kansas City. And as luck, or coincidence would have it, his wife is a graduate of said university. Well, I came to the realization that I would never have any utilitarian application for these pom-poms. But I did think they'd make a nice gift for their daughter, who incidentally, might possibly be the most gregariously pleasant, spirited child on the face of the planet.
FYI --- Her nickname utilizes the words "Co Co."
Coo Coo 4 Co Co
As the Steelers prepare for Kansas City
We shouldn't be arrogant or overly witty.
The game will be challenging and heavily contested
Since one of our coaches, was recently arrested
Arrowhead Stadium can be a brutal place to play
Our secondary is suspect, with or without Gay
Reliance on the 3 B's... Ben, Brown and Bell
Could be insufficient, from what I can tell
I'm not gonna lie, why even try?
Something will be required... from WPXI
We hear it's gonna be, team Phillips and Loesch
Preferably not shirtless, exposing their flesh
But lest ye not worry
J.T.'s a different story
Cuz we're gonna need all the help we can git
As Yinzer nation tries to prove they're legit
Now it's not our intention, to start sounding loco
But we could use a little help... from the indomitable Haddie Coco
In the form of these authentic Liberty University pom poms
Patriotically endorsed by one of our favorite moms
Albeit the sentiment might appear, a little confusing
Rest assured, it's ironically amusing
That as the Pittsburgh Steelers prepare for a divisional round fight
Our favorite cheerleader will be sporting the red and white.
#blackiswhack #goldisold #redinstead #whiteisright
Obviously, you can see why I don't routinely post these poems. If you didn't know the characters, they'd make little sense. Leaving you in a slightly annoyed and agitated state.
So on an unrelated note: after we downed the Ravens in week 17, I forgot to start growing my Steelers playoff beard. No big deal though. Nobody gives a shit.
Whatever. Go Steelers. And more importantly, go Art Rooney II! I just can't get over the fact that he's soon to be the poorest team owner. Embarrassing. Makes us all look like black'n'yellow fucks n'at.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Steelers linebacker coach Joey Porter was arrested Sunday night following their wildcard playoff victory over the Dolphins. He was out and about, rocking it out, with his monster black cock out, out on the South Side. Well, not really... he forcibly held down a cop's wrist. Bond was set at 25,000 for a myriad of charges (aggravated assault, simple assault, resisting arrest, public drunkenness, and terroristic threats).
Nice mugshot. Seems calm and measured. Here we go!
I won't rehash the specifics. But obviously, Porter screwed up big time. Just the mere act of going to a bar with the players is a violation of the NFL conduct policy. And of course, once the police get involved, it's over. Surprised the cops didn't bust him for indecency, obscenity, defamation, jay-walking, and oh yeah, "conspiracy to engage in... fill in the blank." Whenever you need to build a case, just throw in the C word.
Team management immediately parted ways with Porter. A wise decision. After all, it's a major distraction when you're heading to Arrowhead Stadium for a tough road game.
Incidents like the Joey Porter one have decimated so many teams over the years. Especially during the 2 week span between the championship games and the Super Bowl. All kinds of bad stuff can happen. Solicitation of a prostitute, fender bender automobile accident, domestic violence, bench warrant, anything regarding an evil marijuana doobie. In modern day America, the world is literally your oyster.
Well, it got me to thinking.
If I was the general manager of an NFL team... and I knew we were likely to face an opponent in an upcoming do-or-die playoff game, I would covertly organize a "first strike" team of "football agitating hooligans" and deploy them accordingly. Their sole purpose would be to go out, find the players, and try to instigate trouble. Doesn't really take much effort to start a bar fight. Just deliberately spill a drink on someone, pushing, shoving or a sucker punch, steal their bar stool, hurl some insults at their woman, etc. It could be anything.
The objective being to "artificially manufacture" an incident which would serve as a "distraction." Let's face the facts. Steelers had the early 1pm game. Assuming they won (favored by 12 points at kick-off), you know these testosterone laden, multi-millionaire egomaniacs in their mid-20's are gonna hit the bars afterward. And if it's Pittsburgh, they'll likely be congregating on the South Side, or maybe in the Strip District. My point --- it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to scope out and survey the scene.
Then, you just stir up the shit storm. Headlines are the goal. Nobody really cares about the circumstances or the truth anymore. You just need to cause trouble and reek havoc.
Hosting an additional playoff game is big money. Let's see. 80,000 seats at roughly $150 per ticket = 12 million. Not to mention the prestige and home field advantage. Crappy merchandise, parking fees and all that goes with it. Hey, those $10 Bud Light drafts don't sell themselves!
Think about the stunts that teams are willing to pull when trying to gain a competitive advantage. Spy-Gate, Deflate-Gate, hiring lip readers, food poisoning/colon cleanse, pulling the fire alarm at the team's hotel in the middle of the night. All of this stuff actually happens. Trust me, it's not some grand coincidence.
So why not take it to the next level? You just need to make sure the bullshit hooliganism never gets connected with your team's front office. And even if it did, it likely comes after the team is victorious and the money has been made. Something Roger Goodell and Charlie Sheen have in common. Winning. Cha-Ching!
Thursday, January 05, 2017
I'm having difficulty getting over the fact that Donald Trump will be our next Commander in Chief. It's not a mater of me being pro-Hillary. Although I did think she was especially well-qualified. In fact, I thought virtually all of the Republican candidates were relatively competent. I might disagree with their views on social issues, civil rights, defense spending, trickle down economics, etc... but this doesn't mean I think they're all unfit to serve.
Now the god-fearing religious extremism does scare the living diarrhea out of my colon. So yeah, Santorum was sufficiently terrifying. Not to mention Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee. E-gad! But I've never questioned their intellectual capabilities or intellectual curiosity. I simply came to the realization that regarding the majority of issues, both foreign and domestic, we're on opposite sides of the political spectrum. Hey, I get it. That's American politics in 2016. Let's be honest. The shit can get pretty polarizing.
Then along came the Trump Train. And plenty of passengers hopped on bored. Oops, wait a minute, I actually meant "hopped on board." Hard to believe I didn't catch that accidental homonym. I usually write as I think.
Hopefully you get the sarcastic verbiage here. ALL ABOARD! Not ALL ABORT. Well, except maybe for those northern 'Women for Trump' supporters in liberal Massachusetts. Damn taxpayer funded abortions destroying the economy!
Soooo... what makes Trump different from all the losers and enemies he has defeated? What sets him apart from all the other candidates? What makes him different?
Is it about education? Gotta be honest here. I simply don't have the desire to research the intellectual pedigree of a Chris Christie. I'm sure he went to the Jersey Boardwalk of Hard Knocks or the Arby's University of King Beef (with horsey) or whatever. However, I'm pretty confident that all the other candidates had high school diplomas and college degrees. FYI --- Ben Carson got his medical degree from Anal Roberts University. Ironically, he settled on becoming a neurosurgeon after the prospect of a career in proctology went down the toilet.
For the record, Trump spent two years at Fordham University and then transferred to the University of Pennsylvania where he received a Bachelor's degree in Economics from the esteemed Wharton School of Business. Well done.
But then this happened...
The tweet was fixed an hour later. I think it's safe to assume that one of his lackeys saw the blunder and had the dubious distinction of correcting their boss... a self-avowed "smart man with a great brain."
Just an aside --- is it me or does anyone else have issues with individuals who explicitly tell you how they're very smart, or very rich, or very important. Who in the name of fucking Christ talks like that? And regardless of their fame or fortune, why on earth would you take them seriously?
Now I'm familiar with the Trump mindset that "all publicity is good publicity." But I think even he knew, somewhere in dark corner of his orange-skinned cerebellum, that something had gone askew. Or did he? Even worse, assuming he did, would he actually care? Would it really bother him or would he simply just change the subject?
So why can't I let that one tweet go. Why can't I give Trump a pass? Especially since I've been equally guilty of the same mistake!
Back in the day, I recall writing an essay. Not sure what the topic was. But I used a phrase about how "people take things for granite." Fortunately, someone informed me about the difference between "granted" and "granite."
Silly me. Up until that point in my life, I assumed people were saying "granite." Ya know... it kinda makes sense. People assume that things have been realistically confirmed. The information is concrete and easily verified. Hey, it's as solid as granite.
Here's the problem though. The individual who offered me grammatical assistance wasn't a business associate or a college professor. It was my 6th grade English teacher Mrs. Taylor. At the time, I was 12 years old. TRUMP IS 70. The difference is a 58 year learning curve. 21,000+ days.
So as I see it, here are some takeaways from this quickly forgotten, unpresidented fiasco.
1. Trump lacks a certain degree of situational awareness regarding his twitter account. One he uses on a routine, petulant basis. The manner in which he conveys his concerns have always been flippant and inarticulately aloof. But this is different on a scary level. The willingness of a "shoot from the hip," attack-minded President to use big words he doesn't understand or comprehend could have real-world ramifications. There's a big difference between George W. Bush mispronouncing nuke-u-ler and him actually thinking the word is "new clear."
2. No reporter would ever have the balls or ovaries to mention the verbal discrepancy. Because if they did, they'd be ostracized from the White House press pool in perpetuity. The "unpresidented tweet" will simply end up in the dust bin of crappy twitter banter, along with all the Kardashian Kanye West nonsense or "how 'bout 'dem Cowboys" bullshit.
I am someone who believes that words have consequences. Trump doesn't even remotely give a shit about words or literature... or history or humanity. It's all about Trump. Trump Vodka --- he doesn't drink. Trump University --- he doesn't educate. I think it would be amusing if some Fox News reporter asked him, "Mr. President, do you know how a bill becomes a law?" Now that would be a defining moment! Conjunction junction, what's your function? Picking up words and phrases and clawses (the plural of clause).
3. Trump is incapable of learning from his mistakes. History has demonstrated time and time again... that people who fail to acknowledge a mistake, are condemned to repeat it. But I honestly don't think he gives a shit. Anytime something like this happens in the future, he'll just interject some offhand alarmist rhetoric, change the subject or lash out against the media with the standard ad hominem demonization remarks (unfair, untrustworthy, disgraceful, disgusting, they lie)
4. Most important, the twitter incident is clear and convincing evidence that Trump does NOT read. This is a big deal. Obama was President of the Harvard Law Review. Bill Clinton was a voracious reader. Hillary was a veteran attorney. Hell, even George W. in his post-presidency does some paint-by-the-numbers stuff. At least that requires following the directions.
But Trump??? How on earth can a multi-billionaire spend 70 years on this planet and still be unfamiliar with the term "precedent?" Not to mention the concept of "precedence?" Keep in mind, this guy is notorious for being involved in hundreds, if not thousands, of lawsuits. I'm not besmirching him for failing to comprehend the basis of case law and the how the judicial branch operates. But seriously, this bastion of intellectual superiority will be tasked with appointing the next Supreme Court justice. The thought of this leaves me apoplectic. No Donald... neither epileptic nor anorexic. Apoplectic. Please note: I'm not saying he "cannot" read. I've seen him read a teleprompter. I'm saying he does not read. No wonder the notion of an intelligence briefing makes him cringe. Those guys use BIG words like asymmetric, mitigation, remediation, analytics, etc. Trump using SMALL words like big, huge, great, super, smart, nice, etc.
I honestly believe that when Trump overhears writers from the Washington Post or reporters from MSNBC saying... his aggressive use of twitter is setting a bad precedent... he most likely hears and thinks the following --- that in effect, those bastards are saying my aggressive use of twitter will make me a bad president.
Now don't get me wrong. Just about everything Trump says and does makes my testicles retract deep into my upper thigh. But here's what's truly terrifying --- I don't think we've yet to reach the tip of the iceberg. God forbid Trump confuses an iceberg with an ISIS burger. Maybe he'll think the White House chef is a secret Muslim who's trying to poison him. Not a job I'd want. Hmmm, then again...
I'd suggest the #unpresidented hash tag be used for every future anti-Trump sentiment on the internet. After all, it's the greatest... because he created it. Albeit unknowingly. Now that's some eye runny!
Even better, the grammatically challenged --- #yourfired