Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Anonymous Restaurant Review - Uncle Pete's

Great news. I'm posting my first ever anonymous restaurant review. Although Uncle Pete's was reviewed a few months ago, I thought it might be nice to get a different perspective. And here it is...

My thoughts on Uncle Pete's:

1. I had the turkey special and it was filling, good though..
2. Quality of service - very quick, but not real friendly (which is fine with me) it's a good place to go for lunch...
3. Yes good...I love Uncle Pete's even though most of what I order is unhealthy food, but my favorite thing about it is the atmosphere....I like the sections of the divides it up and makes it less distracting, you can be more into the conversation with the people you came with less interruptions.....I like that....

I'd like to thank the individual (who shall remain anonymous) for his/her input. If anyone else has a review, I'd be more than happy to entertain the possibility of future special guest reviews. Light profanity encouraged.

Friday, May 20, 2005

chicken, steak, fish

I haven't made a post in about a month so this one's long overdue. Back in 1993 when my parents moved to Arizona, my father bestowed upon me some important words of wisdom. He said, "Rick, if you want good chicken, go to Riesbecks. If you want good steak, go to Kroger. And if you want bad fish, go to Giant Eagle." Then he wished me well, jumped in the mini-van and started their journey across the country. Some might think - Wow, what an emotional tear-jerker. I guess that's why Saf wears his emotions on his sleeve. Anyway, let's get past that and examine this statement.
I think we can all agree that Riesbecks is the place for chicken. The fried chicken in their deli is only second best to Safeway. Since there are no Safeways in the area, it takes the number one spot. Regardless of their superior chicken, there is a deep, dark secret about Riesbecks that I must share. I used to work there back in the late 80's, early 90's. I was basically a carry-out, stocked shelves, mopped up apple sauce in aisle 2, etc. Anyway, I was getting ready to go on my break and I saw an elderly man getting a newspaper from the machine outside. I asked him, "Hey, is it alright if I grab one of those (I kind of reached in the machine simultaneously)." He screamed, "Oh no you don't!" and slammed the door on my wrist. I called him a "mother fucking cock-sucker" Needless to say, he went inside and complained to the management. Apparently, my boss didn't appreciate me using that specific type of vulgarity. Anyway, they cut my hours to one shift per week so it would become an exercise in futility. I quit shortly thereafter. So it's obvious that I have mixed feelings about Riesbecks. Nonetheless, I applaud their chicken. An interesting sidenote, I bought an assortment of fried chicken on Wednesday night and I asked them if I could have some paper towels. One woman behind the counter offered me some plastic utensils with the napkins inside. I requested about 6 of them and another woman said, "We'll have to charge him for that." I thought to myself - who the hell charges customers for the individually wrapped fork-knife-spoon-salt-pepper-napkin combo? Then she said, "there are some napkins by the self-serve soup stand." I opted for the napkin approach which worked well.
Kroger is always the best local place to buy steak unless you bring Sam's Club into the picture. Sam's probably has the best, but when my father made the statement, I don't think there was a Sam's Club in St. C. Thus, he is vindicated.
Giant Eagle sucked - always has sucked and always will suck. They boast the worst pseudo-deli in the land. Unless you like shit - olive ham loaf spread and low-end slimy turkey breast come to mind. The brand names are a bit strange too (Sarah Bee instead of Sara Lee, Jennie-Blow instead of Jennie-O... Well, you get the picture. When the flood hit that shithole in Bridgeport, the residents should have celebrated. I say loot and pillage that building of crapulence. Then, treat the employees Abu-Gharaib, wolfman berzerker style. And, my father was correct - their fish sucks. Go to Coleman's or better yet, Wholly's in the Strip.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The best DiCarlos?

The phone was on its eigth ring at Dicarlo's and none of workers seemed interested, so I picked it up and yelled "DICK", then mumbled "arlos". The man called Patsy was not amused.
Nonetheless, I still get pizza there - probably about once a month. It's interesting how everyone has their preferences when it comes to this Ohio Valley institution. Some love it, some hate it. Some think it's great pizza, others say it doesn't even qualify as pizza. Some say it's unacceptable to order all ends. Some refer to it as sauce on a cracker. Some people will wait for over half an hour and bitch even though they're well aware of the call in process. Some get free additional slices. Most people do not. Some get to "cut the line" - others have to wait. Some people put money into that plastic dog thing (a charity for some kid who died in 1992), most people do not. Some people act drunk, others play the out-dated Miss Pacman game. Some ask to use the bathroom, most don't even know it exists. Even though it's a chain, the pizza at each one is entirely different, except for the square shape. My favorite thing about Dicarlo's is the way people throw the leftover boxes out their car windows in the middle of the night. They can be spotted by the faithful Sunday morning churchgoers all over the valley. On it goes.
Anyway, here's an opportunity to air your thoughts on Dicarlo's - anything really. Xtra cheese or not, which one has the best pizza, is it pizza, most slices eaten in a single outing, most time spent loitering in the parking lot next to the no-loitering sign, blah, etc.

Monday, May 02, 2005


I'm not sure whether to call this place Hoss's, Hosses, or Hoss. Let's just say they all suck ass. This place over by the Elm Grove exit is a disaster. I once ate their buffet. It was absolutely disgusting. There were a ton of flies buzzing around and one of them was stuck in some pudding struggling for its life. When you have empty space on the buffet, nothing fills it better than pudding. Whether chocolate, tapioca or vanilla, rest assured, Hoss has plenty of pudding alternatives in the dessert section. The thing I don't like about Hoss's buffet is the plentiful variations of the same food. For example, rather than just have chili, they'll have chili, sloppy joes, hamburgers, tacos and on it goes. A buffett is all about OPTIONS. Honestly, they should take a look at the infamous Super Buffett (the Chinese place next to TJ's - they have tons of choices although regrettably, they all suck as well).
From now on, I'll refer to the entity of Hoss's as simply "Hoss". What's realy bothersome is why. Why was Hoss selected to represent the Elm Grove area at such a visble and worthy location. Honestly, I would have preferred another fast food joint, even back to back Wendys sounds more appealing. Come to think of it, Hoss's predecessor Youngs Cafeteria wasn't that great either. It was just a poor version of Mehlman's Cafeteria with slightly higher prices and a decreased emphasis on lima beans. Hoss should never have gotten the go ahead to purchase the building. Maybe it's part of the mayor's ultimate plan to have a ton of crappy restaurants in Wheeling so his seems like the best choice. Perhaps that's what's going on here - an actual conspiracy - comparable to the guy with the 3 anti-car wash signs right next to the car wash. Who is this guy anyway? You know - the guy who was going to build his own car wash and was denied (by the city) and then got to see someone else build a car wash 30 feet next to his spot.
Hoss is very popular among the elderly. Tons of handicapped parking even though every parking spot is right next to the entrance. Plenty of oxygen tanks and wheelchairs - I thought I was at a Benny Hinn crusade. Maybe Hoss could compete with Hinn. It would be a cinch. Just have Mr. Hoss come on television and claim his 3 puddings represent the father, the son and the holy ghost. If you eat them all, you are blessed. Kind of like a pudding baptismal. The elderly patrons can dunk their heads in each of the 3 puddings and then dizzily walk around the Hoss lobby proclaiming they've been "puddified". Don't dismiss this. I think it would make for a great promotional campaign, and pudding is dirt cheap - probably the most cost-effective way to promote the Lord ever conceived. Just think of all the different pudding formations. I saw Jesus in the pudding. I saw Noah's Ark in the pudding (next to the aforementioned fly which could be construed as one of the insects that came to the ark in twosies, twosies, even though there's only one fly). I saw the virgin Mary's vagina - this one was spotted in the strawberry pudding. Alright, sadly enough, I'll end it on that note.