Tuesday, April 27, 2010

system disruption regarding AZ immigration law

Here's a hypothetical way to gain national publicity regarding the recently signed immigration law in Arizona. Let's say I'm a hispanic member of the U.S. Marines based in Tuscon, Mesa or anywhere in Arizona for that matter. I've already completed my first tour of duty in Iraq. I'm currently preparing to be deployed to Afghanistan. I've been running at the local high school track in an attempt to increase my endurance. I'm on my way there today as well. My position in the military does not offer much in the way of compensation. I currently drive a 2002 Honda Accord which has served me well over the years.

Anyway, I'm on my way to the track when I get pulled over for speeding. I never bring my wallet and identification with me when I go running. However, I do have my registration and proof of insurance but the policeman simply cannot verify my identity. My English is decent but the cop won't stop hammering me on the lack of being able to produce a valid drivers license. Sensing that the cop is a racist, I make the determination that's it a futile situation. At this point, I just decide to invoke my right to remain silent.

Unfortunately, the timing could not have been worse. Later this afternoon, my unit is set to deploy for the Middle East. The cop concludes he has reasonable cause to detain me and I end up in Maricopa county jail until I can verify that I'm not an illegal alien. I remain in jail for a week or so while the rest of my unit deploys.

Long story shot, now the U.S. military has issued a warrant for my arrest because they think I've gone AWOL. I wanted desperately to serve my country and fulfill my duty but the state "unknowingly" interfered. A situation like this would inevitably have to resolved in the courts. But it's a vastly more powerful demonstration of state law vs. federal law. It would work much better if it were staged and the cop was fully aware of the plot. There's literally tons of ways to expose the state law/federal law immigration documentation contradiction, but this one would be one of the most effective because it evokes so much passion from different angles. The media would have a field day with something like this.

Monday, April 19, 2010

DUI checkpoint system disruption

Over the last decade I've witnessed the explosion of DUI checkpoints in our small town. It's pretty much an automatically propelled routine. States or the feds give grants to the local counties and cities in the name of "safety." The more money the police get for the programs, the more they seem to multiply. I recall when there was probably about 2 per year - usually on Memorial Day and Labor Day weekends. Now it seems there's about 2 per month. Sometimes the cops will get out a sign that says "DUI Checkpoint Ahead" and put their flashers on. But there's nothing even happening. I guess this is considered a deterrent.

My underlying point is that the system will continually feed on itself until the government redefines the priority of trying to stop drunk driving (that's never going to happen) or they run out of grant money (also never going to happen). Incidentally, they also have seat belt awareness stops where they ask to see your license, registration and proof of insurance. I'm particularly sensitive to these checkpoints because it would seem to me that in a small town, you could target specific areas which leads to profiling and the harassment of certain groups (low income trailer courts come to mind).

Well, what can you do to bring some accountability or balance to this runaway train? Here's the proposal. The police usually publish the locations of the checkpoints a day in advance. I would get a small group of people to drive through them at staggered intervals. Before entering the checkpoint scene, they will douse themselves with cheap whiskey or rum - any liquor with a significant odor. They'd be completely sober but would reek of alcohol. Obviously, the first words out of the cops mouth - "Have you been drinking tonight sir/ma'am." Your response could vary...

"I've had a few"
"Nope, I don't drink"

You could feign a little intoxication and exhibit some erratic behavior. The actual response is irrelevant. What matters is what comes next. The cops will ask you to exit the car and perform a variety of sobriety tests. You will then refuse all tests with one exception, you'll let them draw blood. Keep in mind that your actual blood alcohol level is 0.0. This will absorb time and manpower since they have to inform you of your miranda rights and physically take you to the hospital. Here's another approach. Purposely fail some of the balance, verbal skills and mental acuity tests. Hell, your alcohol free so there's nothing wrong with absorbing the maximum amount of time. Perhaps lie and even say that you've been drinking all day.

All these shenanigans will impact the current checkpoint model. The cops simply don't have a credible way to counteract this. And with the video cameras filming away, they must maintain very strict accordance to their established rules and procedures. They have an incredibly small margin for error. And they probably won't have the manpower on hand to adequately deal with multiple perpetrators.

Next you'll have your information campaign. Letter to the editor, inform the local TV news, signs and flyers, or perhaps coordinate some advertisements with a local attorney who specializes in litigating and defending DUI's. Your argument is a simple one. The cops harassed me and made my life a living hell even though I never consumed a drop of alcohol. These omnipresent checkpoints have gotten out of hand. If your group of individuals trying to game the system are racial minorities, it's even more convincing. Perhaps some of your pranksters could employ broken English. The main point here - all of a sudden these sobriety checkpoints will come under heavy scrutiny regarding their effectiveness and legality. They have finally been subjected to the generally laws of balance. Long overdue, I might add.

Considering the small town nature of Wheeling, this town is literally begging for a system disruption. It's ideal for testing precedent and procedure because the damn checkpoints are becoming increasingly prevalent. The only dilemma - pulling this thing off would take a helluva lot of testicular fortitude. Personally, even I wouldn't want to assume the burden and future stigma derived from such a stunt. And if I'm afraid to organize the whole thing, I can't fathom that someone else would take an active interest.

Seriously though, I find these checkpoints troubling. They will continue to gather momentum and sustainability until the pendulum swings the other way. We're on the brink of "Registration" checkpoints and "Proof of Insurance" checkpoints. Who knows, maybe random "vehicle inspections" are right around the corner. As the economy continues to erode, the government will naturally explore more invasive methods for exerting financial stress on its citizens. Until people fight back of course.

Just a note of reference. In all honesty, this whole thing was not my idea. It's from a friend of mine who shall remain nameless. Great idea though. Pulling it off though, well... that's another matter entirely.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

WBC final thoughts ( a week later)

Well, the Westboro Baptist Church idiots were successful in causing a decent amount of grief and uproar. I hit up 3 out of the 4 stops (St. Mike's, St. Alphonsus and the waning moments of the Perkins debacle). I skipped St. Joe's and visited the counter-protest at the Wheeling Park Ampitheatre. I wanted to reflect on it for a few days rather than just write down my immediate reactions.

I was fascinated by the near violent reaction by local residents. For those of you who missed it, there were basically 6 WBC protesters. 1 woman, 2 men and 3 kids (ages probably 7-10). The children held the most offensive signs (God Loves Dead Coal Miners & God Loves Dead Soldiers). The mangy gray-haired woman was particularly driven to dispense her opinions. She would abruptly break out in song (All ye sinners, God forgive thee, etc.) One of the men would videotape everything with a hand held recording device. It has been suggested that this "church" makes a living simply by filing lawsuits. I seriously doubt this. People make too big a deal about filing lawsuits. Anyone can sue anyone for anything. Collecting a settlement is a far different matter. It's much more likely that their leader Fred Phelps simply has a million bucks or so. And he has a few idiots in his stable who can travel with minimal expenses. All they really had was a 10 year old Chrysler Minivan and some signs. In reality, that's all it takes. That and some inflamed locals and a little media coverage.

So here are the highlights/lowlights (depending on your perspective)

A. A man in his 40's who was most likely a military veteran showed up at the first protest. He was filled with rage and would occasionally lash out verbally. I never spoke to him but I did notice that when everything disbanded, he was walking away in tears. This was not some puny guy. He was probably 6' 200 lbs. He was being comforted by a woman (probably his wife). My point - he was so emotional that he had difficulty walking back to his car.

B. There was a moment a cop asked the young boy, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The blond haired, blue eyed child snapped at the cop, "You're going to Hell!" Oddly, the child was wearing a Tampa Bay Buccaneers ball cap. I thought this was unusual because I'm pretty sure they'd despise the NFL which provides employment opportunities to gays. That's pretty much there overriding logic when it comes to everything. Miners supply coal > the coal provides energy > the energy comes in the form of heat > the heat helps warm peoples homes > some of these people are gay. Hence, miners willingly support and encourage sodomy. Of course, you can use this type of specious God-oriented reasoning ad nauseum. The God argument is always the easiest. I think that's why it's so popular worldwide. It doesn't really call for much deep thinking - an overwhelming characteristic of those who wholeheartedly embrace religious dogma. Very Palinesque - praise the troops, cheer if you love freedom, speak out if you don't like wasteful, big government, high taxes, etc. Not the most informative policy positions. With that in mind, I've recently come to the conclusions that there are 2 different types of people on this planet. No, not liberal or conservative. It goes far deeper than that. I'd say that the most prevailing way to distinguish people is this...

There are 2 types of people - those who ask why, and those who do NOT ask why. Neither is necessarily better. You can live and maintain a successful, non-inquisitive life style and be entirely happy. I know many people who just seem to accept things. They have this "there's nothing I can do about it, so why get all agitated and try to change things."

There I go - going off on my tangent. Back to the highlights.

I noticed while at the St. Mike's protest that one woman was allowed beyond the police imposed barrier. Everyone else was forbidden to cross the street. This woman had two signs and would pace aggressively back and forth. She seemed generally composed but very determined to make it known that she thought the WBC was despicable. A few minutes later I learned that she was from Steubenville and the WBC had protested at her son's military funeral the day before.

The crowd at St. Mike's was pretty diverse. Lots of teenagers on bicycles trying to comprehend what the hell was going on. Plenty of hecklers with diverse comments. Many would counter with the imbecilic refrain, "You're the ones who are going to Hell!" A youthful, effeminate gay man stood out. "I'm more of a man than you'll ever be!" Kind of a comical buffoonish episode.

The cops seemed composed and generally had an attitude - "We'll just do our jobs and try to keep the peace." At one point, I sternly said the following, "If you're under the age of 16 and steal one of their signs, I will pay you $20 for it." One of the cops gave me a look of death and pointed his finger at me. His facial expression said it all - listen you godless troublemaker, if you say that again, I'm taking you downtown. Seriously though, this idea has merit. Here's a potential idea for exploiting the WBC fuckheads...

Just a I did, encourage a group of rowdy teens on bicycles to just zip by them and steal their signs. One thing I noticed, they had too many signs. The adults would hold multiple ones from time to time. If coordinated properly, a few boys could wrestle some of the signs away or just snag a few lying on the ground. Then, they scatter on their bikes in different directions. The two cops would have had few alternatives. If you chase after the kids, you appear foolish and worse yet, leave the WBC anti-cocksucking faggots with no police protection. And here's the best part, you take the signs and try to sell them on ebay. You assure potential bidders that a significant percentage of the proceeds from the sale will end up funding charitable organizations that the WBC rails against. Once it catches on in the media, you have created an inverted, viable small scale systemic disruption. Personally, I just wanted an original sign for my library. That would have been bad ass, particularly the sign featuring two male stick figures engaged in a sexual act. I might have even written on it - "THIS IS BAD ASS."

After St. Alphonsus, me and Jepson went to the counter-protest at Wheeling Park. I'd say it was unusually disappointing. The facebook page said over 350 were going to attend. Turns out it was more like 85. A few people on the hill side playing cornhole (or if you live in Pennsylvania it's called bean bag toss). And there were a few musicians singing with acoustic guitars. Kind of like a sparsely attended Peter, Paul and Mary show without anyone puffing the magic dragon. Sometimes I'm not sure whih I despise more - People that espouse hatred in the name of God (aka fire and brimstone shit) or people who are all about the goodness and love of the Lord. I generally prefer the hatred because it consists of more "variable entertainment."

Then it was onto the final stop. 5 of us went up to the base foothills of Wheeling Jesuit University. A crowd of a 100 kids were out there holding up signs. Most were throwing frisbees, hacky-sacking and making drinking plans for later in the evening. It became apparent that the WBC were denied permission to enter the campus so they ended up at the triangular median next to Perkins of the I-70 ramp. Fortunately, we encountered a woman who zipped us over. Regrettably, I can't go into details on this. Here's a brief verbal synopsis which took place on the ride over.

Saf - "I was hoping there'd be some kind of Soakapalooza. Did you hear about that?"

Female - "Ohhh, I can't believe someone made that flyer. That was just plain ridiculous."

Saf - "I know. I know. What kind of an asshole would do such a thing?"

3 second pause

Saf "IT WAS ME! I AM SOAKAPALOOZA! C'mon, who else would do that?"

Female - (staring back at me while on the interstate) "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT WAS YOU!"

So we get to the place and the police are escorting them back to their minivan. We go running after them on the opposite side of the road. The last thing I remember was screaming at them from across the road, "YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!"

Friday, April 09, 2010


If the Westboro Baptist Church imbeciles showed up near my house, I would hose them down. Or here's an alternative - Tell them you appreciate their message and would like to hold up one of their signs. Then set it on fire. If I owned a motorcycle, I would park right next to them and rev it for the duration. The continual noise and exhaust would be immeasurably disconcerting. And I'd construct a sign that says "Loud Pipes Save Lives" - that's my message. How about this - bring an old school boom box and blare an audio ripped cd of an extremely hardcore pornographic dvd. Or how about this - walk by them and blast an air horn in the ear of the oldest protester. "God Loves Air Horns."

Here's some things I would NOT do. Have a bake sale. Join hands and sing John Lennon's "Give Peace a Chance." Pray for their souls. Pray for an end to hatred. Pray in general. Actively encourage avoidance and indifference. Consult a Catholic pedophile priest for advice on how best to cope with all the impending negativity. Most important - no hippie drum circles. Cartman would agree with me on this. 95% of Wheeling residents would not agree with me on this. My ultimate dilemma - I'm on the fringe of the 5%. But at least I am fully aware of this.


Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Westboro continued

So Saturday is the big day when the Fred Phelps Topeka freaks come to town. These are the same morons that once held up signs - "God Loves Dead Coal Miners." I wonder if they'll have the guts to go that rout again, especially in the wake of the worst mining disaster in decades.

Apparently, they are now avoiding Wheeling Jesuit and holding their "protest" at that little triangular median near Perkins in Woodsdale. I can't really call this debacle a protest because anytime you invoke the word of God, it renders your message useless. The lord says this, my god says that - what a joke bordering on true embarrassment. Now here's where it gets really sad. In typical fashion, those wild, rebellious Wheeling College kids are fighting back. I spoke with a girl and she said they're planning a bake sale and contributing the proceeds to groups the WBC rails against. What the fuck is that? Let me explain. My name is Mary Ellen and I'm from Alexandria, Virginia. My parents dole out nearly 30K a year so I can learn how to pray and sneak into the Alpha late on a Thursday night. I'm not gonna get crazy tonight (drink 3 tequila sunrises). Instead, I'll go to the dorms kitchen and bake a tray of rice krispy treats. Then, I will top them with sprinkles. Then I'll donate all the proceeds to AIDS research. TAKE THAT you Westboro Church hatemongers. You'll rue the day you came to Wheeling.

Again, I'm not sure which is more pathetic. The WBC or the lame ass response by the relocated beltway kids seeking their theology degrees. Fucking pathetic. When did this country get so politically correct. If you have a problem with some cult (all religions are cults but the WBC is particularly obnoxious), why not hose them down? Ohhh, someone could get hurt. Gimme a fucking break. There's nothing wrong with going old school. Tar and feather, pie in the face, turn on the hose, spray them down with holy water, hurl mud - these are the kind of tactics that should be implemented.

Of course, then you'd hear the typical Wheeling bible belt refrain. We won't stoop to their level. We'll have a counter protest and hold hands. We'll make signs that say "God Loves Everyone" or "Hatred is Hateful." Give me a mother fucking break. The citizens of this country are so timid and enfeebled. This town finally has a chance to prove its worth to the entire country and the residents will indubitably take a pass. The churchies in this town? Their idea of political participation is voting for their favorite American Idol contestant. Their idea of system disruptions is defying the "Do not feed the ducks" sign at Wheeling Park. They can't tell me what to do!

So here's the deal. They'll still be at the three Catholic churches. I guess the Wheeling Police Dept. is assigning a few officers to make sure things don't get out of hand. I think this is WEAK. If you're going to purposefully try to enrage people with one of the lamest forms of the LCD (Lowest Common Denominator) behavior, then you should be on your own. Of course, the Westboro Baptist Church assholes usually get young children to hold their signs. How's that for accountability? Having a 7 year old girl hold up a sign at a military funeral that says "Thank God for IEDs.

My point - and trust me, I'm probably the biggest free speech advocate in the area. But it has to be SUBSTANTIVE At the very least, have just a sliver of merit or purpose. When you use the God argument, there's just nothing there. Even shouting "fire" in a crowded theater has a purpose. These brainwashed fuckheads have no purpose whatsoever.

This whole debacle is just such a sad commentary on Wheeling. I imagine the counter protesters will declare victory. We are proud. We defeated evil. Yeah, good for you.
Even worse are the mindless responses, "There's karma out there" or "You'll get yours" or "Remember, what goes around comes around" or my favorite "They'll face God on judgement day." Seriously, what the fuck does any of that shit really mean. Answer: zilch.

If you don't like a bunch of brainwashed dumbshits preaching their version of religious nonsense, then I implore you - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Sunday, April 04, 2010



The new, secret, special, fun, Easter edition sonofcds are in. The excitement is contagious! It's as if I purchased some kind of Walmart Rabbit-Doll wrapped in a blanket. It's called "Bunny in a Blanket" instead of the less inspiring "kosher pigs in a schmatta." The blanket reads "Hey Meester, It's Easter!" "Bunny in a Blanket" is already a huge hit in Northern Alabama and has received strong consumer reviews in suburban Topeka.

My point is pretty obvious. Hypothetically, let's say you run into me at Rite Aid. You're in the process of checking out and purchasing the aforementioned "Bunny in a Blanket." You appear exuberant as your nipples protrude through your Wheeling Feeling Chili Cook-Off t-shirt. Again, my point. You're so excited about the neo-rabbit shit that you fail to inquire about my new compilation cds. Not cool. Here's what you'd be missing out on.

Sonofsynthetic. Sounds like a synthesizer inspired compilation which would denote mid 80's. But I tried to delve into the 70's and 90's as well. In any event, I picked out some of my favorites that were a little off the beaten path. As always, If you like any of the selections, just ask me for the entire concert.

I always liked the Ice Cube/Lil' Kim "You Can Do It, Put Your Ass Into It" song. This one's from some kind of MTV Hip-Hop Festival in Stuttgart, Germany (2008).

Good Beastie Boys bootlegs are difficult to come by. "Super Disco Breakin" was snagged from a 2007 show in Salzburg, Austria.

This version of David Bowie's "Fashion" comes from his 1997 Madison Square Garden 50th birthday show. It is hands down one of the best live bootlegs I own. He has all kinds of guest appearances (Foo Fighters, Lou Reed, The Cure, etc.). This show is sick. Whoever mixed this concert - let's just say he/she knew what the hell they were doing.

"Radio Ga Ga" is my favorite Queen song. Everyone remembers the version from Live Aid - easily the highlight of the entire 1985 concert. I got this one from the "Rock in Rio" Festival. Same year, different continent - Rio de Janiero, Brazil.

I was searching for a live version of Blondie's Rapture but couldn't find anything. "Heart of Glass" is her second set opener at the famed venue The Hammersmith Odeon in London England (1980)

Styx's "Grand Illusion" stands the test of time. They open their Chicago, Illinois concert with it in 1977. In 1977, I was 7.

One my favorite episodes of Miami Vice was the episode where Crockett and Tubbs rescue this young girl from a bunch of rednecks in the Everglades. They played "Girls With Guns" by Tommy Shaw when the guys hit the road. I honor them by occasionally taking it to the streets as well. This one's from a 1985 show in his hometown of Montgomery, Alabama.

"Goodbye Stranger" is from a Supertramp show in 1983. Munich, Germany is the location. Michael Scott does a great parody of this song from an episode of The Office. Of course, he calls it "Goodbye Toby." You might remember some of his other works such as "Beers in Heaven" and "Total Eclipse of the Fart."

I included this Puddle of Mudd studio version of Psycho" because I knew this girl who loved it and she was incredibly psycho. It just seemed to fit.

"Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats is a strong tune. This one's from a 1983 BBC Live Concert. I'm surprised they had enough material to do an entire concert. If anyone can name one of their other songs I'd be surprised. Truly a one-hit wonder. Near the 1:30 minute mark, someone on stage yells "SAF."

There are absolutely zero decent bootlegs from the Yes 90125 tour. I love the song "Leave It" and this is the best I could find. The song itself takes precedence over the weak sound quality.

Hall and Oates came to Wheeling one time. I filled up my parking lot (C-12, across from the Best Western) and then filled up a few others. I'd say it was a profitable evening. This version of "Method of Modern Love" is from a show in Los Angeles (1984).

This might be my all-time favorite heavy synthesizer song. Duran Duran's "Save A Prayer" from Buenos Aires, Argentinia (2005). Argentina barely made it in South America World Cup qualifying, but I have a feeling they'll make it to the final this year. Lots of talent. Watch for them this summer.

One of my favorite Smashing Pumpkins song is the heartfelt "Thirty Three" - this one's from a radio broadcast in 1997 - Vancouver's General Motors Place. I love the Smashing Pumpkins. If only the singer didn't have such a tinny, irritating voice. I met their lead guitarist James Iha at a 1991 Dead show at Soldiers Field, but that's another story.

I chose to close out sonofsynthetic with the venerable Sir Paul McCartney playing "Strawberry Fields" at Knebworth, England in 1990. It segues into a brief "Give Peace A Chance." It makes me wonder if the U.S. will invade and occupy another country. Call me naive but I think we may be done with the "go to war and nation build" phase of the U.S. empire. Then again, perhaps not.

sonofSTFU? That means SHUT THE FUCK UP? This one is a tribute to all those people who post music on facebook and myspace. It reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite philosophers...
"They want to rock but they don't know how" - Steve Narick (1994).

"For Those About To Rock" is my all-time favorite AC/DC song. It's always a closer, so let's make it an opener. This one's from Phoenix, AZ (2000). It's incredibly unlikely that my parents attended this concert. I like the rawness of Brian Johnson's voice. I don't think he'd make the cut on American Idol.

Remember the live video for "Parental Guidance" from Judas Priest's Turbo 1987 tour? I'm glad I lived through the 1980's metal phase. There will never be anything like it.

I had to throw in another Priest tune so I went with the often forgotten metal anthem "Heavy Duty." This one is from the an Albuquerque, New Mexico show in 1984. I never realized Rob Halford was gay. It dawned on me about 10 years later. I was just as naive as the kid in the Steel Phantom movie.

Here's another West coast (Los Angeles) song from 1984. Quiet Riot's "Metal Health" is a bit annoying but I watched "The Wrestler" and I liked his intro music. I wonder if Kevin Dubrow has finally accepted his predisposition toward male-pattern baldness. I hope he has.

Believe it or not, this version of "He Said She Said" is from 2009. It's a Limp Bizkit reunion show at Donington, England.

How about some Marilyn Manson? Way too many killer songs to choose from, but I went with "Use Your Fist, Not Your Mouth." It's from an outdoor festival in Madrid, Spain (2003).

In my mind, there's only one true METAL band and it's Metallica. If you believe that, you're fucking lame. The correct answer is Slayer. In fact, I can hear the distant cries of Ken Dague from Tasmania, "PLAY SOME SLAYER YOU FUCKING PUSSIES!" In his honor, I give you "Silent Scream" from 1992.

Speaking of Ken, he also enjoyed the commentary of Chuck Billy - lead singer of the band Testament. "Get those beers up!" So how about the classic "Into The Pit" from Dynamo Festival (2000).

There is a forgotten metal/thrash band called Vio-Lence. I partied with these guys a couple of times. I assure you - everything they wrote was full throttle. This is probably their most famous song - "Eternal Nightmare."

I never cared much for Anthrax. But I always liked the song "Only." This version is a little soundboardish, but I like the sound of the double-kick bass drum or whatever you musicians call that. This version is from Santiago, Chile in 1998.

Blackie Lawless is still going strong. The WASP frontman is a looking a bit haggard, so here he is in his prime singing "Wanna Be Somebody." 1996 - Tokyo, Japan.

Gotta love Iron Maiden's classic "Run To The Hills" - This version is from Buenos Aires, Argentina from the Somewhere Back on Tour tour. Up the Irons irons.

London, England is the location for this 1984 rendition of "We Rock" by Ronnie James Dio. I can't think of any other rock stars that use their middle names.

Finally, I closed it out with Radiohead's "Creep." I'm not a big fan of this song but I know everyone else likes it and they rarely play it live.

As is always the case, if you like a particular song and want a copy of the entire concert, just gimme a ring. This whole sonofwhatever thing is about promoting LIVE music, not the never-ending refrain of studio versions of Sussudio. Anyone can throw together a mix cd of prerecorded music that dulls the senses. Let's keep it LIVE. It will give you a reason to LIVE.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Westboro Baptist Church

The WBC is coming to Wheeling, WV. From an atheist Jew perspective, this is truly a festivus miracle. For those unfamiliar with the WBC, these are the mindless freaks from Topeka, Kansas who picket military funerals and stage extremely hateful anti-gay rallies in particularly sensitive locations. They hold signs that say "GOD HATES FAGS" and the typically mentally sophisticated "BURN IN HELL" slogans. These morons have no shame whatsoever and don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of them. Sound familiar?

Well, they've planned 4 separate stops while in Wheeltown on Saturday April 10.

4-4:30 St. Mike's Church (literally my backyard)
5-5:30 St. Alphonsus (downtown)
5:40-6pm St. Joe's (downtown)
and they'll finish off the evening at my old stomping grounds... Wheeling Jesuit! Kewl. The WJU and St. Mike's ones have great potential for a low end system disruption.

So I guess it's come down to this. In the world's greatest ironic scenario of all time - I will come to the defense of WJU and the Catholic church. I read their press release on the godhatesfags.com website. Basically, they're coming here to protest the Catholic church sex scandal. So it'll be the extremist right wing wackos vs. the mainstream right wing wackos. And then you throw me in the mix. Sounds like a strong way to start the party. I love the fact that they're protesting the Catholic church pedophile scandal. Wouldn't it be reasonable to infer that counter-protesters actually support the pedophile priests?

The WBC does fascinate me in a way. They physically test the boundaries of the 1st Amendment. They've been around for several years and regardless of their agenda, they really know how to stir the shit. Well, the protesters are just mindless sheep but their leader (I forget his name) certainly has a disconnected way of promoting his "fags must die" campaign. These are the same fuckheads that picket military funerals with the theory that the U.S. military protects gay American citizens; therefore, they are actively complicit in defending condemned gays (who should die).

This is actually similar logic I used in the faith-healing Benny Hinn protest at Mellon Arena protest. Shame Mellon Corp. for allowing a faith healer to use the municipally funded arena. An attempt to persuade other companies with arena naming rights, to reject future crusades. I think mine was more focused and relevant. Theirs is a bit more specious and circular.

Well, here's the deal. I'm hitting up all 4 locations. I think the St. Mike's and Wheeling Jesuit closer have the greatest potential. I can't wait to see the reaction of the beltway college kids. Have you ever felt the collective wrath and venom of a bunch of religious right wing kids from the Washington DC loop? Honestly, they're not the most creatively inspired group so I imagine they'll just boo and heckle. Maybe dump cheap beer on one of them.

I might make signs condemning both sides in an attempt to encourage a three-way systemic disruption. Theoretically, is it possible to get both sides to unite and focus all their rage at me. I'd take it like a 6 yr. old altar boy. Seriously though, am I allowed to protest both sides? I think I'll go with the more obvious target though. Members of the Westboro Baptist Church - sonofsaf welcomes you to the true bible belt. I doubt you'll be enjoy your visit to the friendly city.

I just thought of a funny sign. The Wheeling Feeling could be a cloaked reference to pedophile priestly fondling. You could do a Wheeling "Feeling/Fondling" hidden lift up. Just like the Trent Dilfer #8/Trent Dildo 8". Sounds about right. I'm stopping by Jesuit today to see what they've got planned in the realm of counter-protests. Would the role model Jesuit kids have the balls and ovaries to stage a super-soaker attack? How cool would that be?

Let's get on this. I might have a party later that night.