Monday, July 20, 2009


I often speak of my contempt for the biggest "party" on the planet, Jamboree in the Hills. I've always had little regard for the quality of pop country music and find the genre largely unsatisfying. I also tend to loathe many of the things that accompany country music - a tacitly approved and encouraged racist undercurrent, the cries of a return to pre-Civil War days (endless displays of the Confederate flag), the whole Ford vs. Chevy debate, the embrace of mid-end whiskey (Beam and Jack), chewing tobacco and the act of spitting everywhere, the abundance of low-end red meat (lots of burgers and dogs) and the myriad of dancing-shaking overweight shirtless men.
I also don't care for the hostile "squirt bottle man syndrome" - guys that have been dissed all their lives by pretty women and get their yearly vengeance by squirting them in the chest and other targeted areas all in the name of having a "good time." Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm too old for all this fun and Jambo revelry.
However, I do have a unique perspective. I was there for 3 out of the 4 days with the limo gig. This provides me with a sobering, behind the scenes perspective. You see many of the arrests and encounter more of the redneck fallout. Kind of like a Girls Gone Wild video except it's more "When Rednecks Collectively Piss and Vomit."
Every year, WTOV9 says the same thing - "Well, it's another year in the books and Jamboree went off without a hitch. They put on a flawless production as usual and country music lovers came from far and wide. A great time was had by all." Well, it's my contention that this statement is not only erroneous, but it's a flagrant lie. Here's an estimate of the true aftermath of Jambo...

25 DUI's
50 misdemeanor and felony assualts
50 underage drinking citations
a few rapes (unreported)
5 attempted rapes
100 drunken and disorderly conduct violations
tons of alcohol related injuries

Alright, you get the drift. Peoples lives can be destroyed or face a serious setback, mostly self-inflicted wounds. Maybe, just maybe, things didn't go so smoothly after all. I guess my main problem with Jambo is the way the locals unite around the whole thing. People view it as some kind of drunken celebratory vacation. Talk about some low-end aspirations for yearly entertainment. Can't you come up with something better to do once a year? I realize a trip abroad is probably out of the question, but is Jambo really such a quality adventure? I honestly think it is not.
On a brighter note, it didn't smell that bad on Sunday this year. As Jambo nears its close, the acrid stench of incest permeates the air. This scent is comprised of sweat, beer, piss, shit, mud, puke and skoal with just the slightest hint of tampon. Sounds like a great way to take some well-deserved time off. Oh yeah... and the music is atrocious. I'm not even factoring in the country music reprise which takes place every night in the campgrounds.
I often think that the Jamboree venue is under-utilized. Maybe they could have a rock band there every once in a while. On second thought, let's just stick with Jambo once a year. Sometimes it's better to just stick with the same old routine. Maybe they should publish a Jambo cookbook - stuff like deviled eggs, macaroni salad, hot dogs, cotton candy, scalloped potatoes. Oh yeah... and cheap beer, lots of cheap beer.