Thursday, December 29, 2011

the dreaded middle airplane seat

Every single day, there are roughly 50,000 non-military airplanes that take off and land.  A statistically insignificant number will crash.  That seems pretty impressive, but it's probably not.  You're far more likely to die on the way to the airport.  You should take solace in this fact unless you're one of the poor souls who finds themselves in the unenviable middle airplane seat.  It's really not that big a deal if you're traveling with your spouse or a family member.  But if you're stuck in the middle between a pro wrestler and the creator of Funyuns, you're in for a predictably miserable experience.  Consider the direct JFK > LAX flight.  Ouch.

As I see it, here's the breakdown...

About 50% of the people who board an airplane do not want to wish to engage in conversation.  Most are willing to feed you an obligatory "hello," but then generally dissolve into their iPad, book/magazine or use the vomit bag to construct some kind of origami-frog. 

Another 25% will make brief, polite conversation from here and there.  This is the category I generally fall into.  I speak when spoken to.  If someone has a mundane weather observation, I'll gladly provide input.  But it's usually concise. 

Then there's another 10% who want to yap incessantly.  Annoying but generally harmless.  They'll try to engage you from the start.  But if you stand your ground, they will usually take the hint.

And it has been my experience that about 10% of the time, you're seated next to some moron who just can't shut the fuck up.  This is consistent with societal norms.  One time I was flying from Columbus to Phoenix, and I had the misfortune of sitting next to a large man who relentlessly impaled my tympanic membrane with discussion of his ostrich farm.  The lean quality of the meat, the friendly disposition of ostriches, the overall upswing in ostrich popularity, celebrities who've been to his ostrich farm (I vaguely recall Eric Estrada having visited), ostrich mating habits, anything ostrich-related was on the table.  And the guy didn't even live in Phoenix.  The asshole lived in Tuscon.  He had no shame whatsoever.  Completely unaware of his role as an unacceptable life form.  And suffice to say, this type of passenger almost always has chronic halitosis.

The last 5% are the people who have no business associating with humanity in general. Ahh, the subhumans who lack the ability to communicate due to a variety of issues.  Extreme paranoia requiring near lethal dosages of maximum strength Xanax, the unbearable notion of going the next 4 hours without a cigarette, fear of the plane crashing, fear of close proximity to others, maybe they never have boarded an airplane until this fateful day (meeting that new love in Vegas after a sordid, 48 hour, hot and heavy internet romance), etc. 

So what's my point?  At 41 years of age, I'm guessing I've boarded an actual airplane about 183 times.  I'd estimate that's a little above normal, but I'm obviously not in the category of Air Force, the executive business traveler, flight attendant or someone who travels extensively.  I'd say I've gotten stuck in the middle seat about 15% of the time.  And as I alluded to early, if you're in between two individuals of ample girth, that spells Uncomfortable with a capital "U."  I'm not homophobic, but I try my best to avoid male thigh-on-thigh contact.  Yes... I am complaining.  But I realize it's not like being waterboarded or sliding down a razor banister.  Back to my main point - if one or both armrests are unavailable, there's going to be some discomfort. 

So earlier, I defined the various types of airplane traveler personalities.  I did this for a reason.  There's not much I can do about "thigh and leg spatial violations."  But if you happen to get stuck in the middle seat, there needs to be a socially, universally acceptable way to ask for occasional use of the armrest.  So the question becomes, how and when is the best way to broach the subject.  Here's what I would suggest...

As the flight attendant goes through the routine safety procedures, he/she will come to the point where they explain oxygen mask protocol.  During this instant is your best chance.  As the flight attendant's arms are outstretched, glance up and say the following.  "Wow, looks like she has plenty of arm room.  I am sooo jealous!"  Then, immediately follow it up with a "lighthearted" apology - something along the lines of "Ohh, I can't believe I just said that.  I'm so sorry."

If either of the individuals seated next to you has any conscience (about 85%), they will acknowledge your dilemma.  Some will offer up the armrest immediately.  At this point, I would suggest responding with "Ohh, I won't need it for the whole flight.  Just from time to time so my arms and upper torso don't go numb."  Follow this up with just a hint of nervous, skittish laughter.  So there you have it.  I believe this to be the best solution (as it relates to constructive timing and reasonable etiquette) to the dreaded middle airplane seat, armrest problem.

Since I'm the only known person on the planet likely to have put this in writing, I must make the following demand.  My middle seat solution cannot be used on flights with a duration of less than 1 hour 26 minutes.  That's in-the-air flying time.  That seems like a reasonable limitation.  And just for the record, I have never flown first class.  So my observations all come from a coach perspective.   That would make a killer question for Mitt Romney, the man who likes to make $10,000 bets.  "Governor, have you ever sat in the middle seat?"  If he pauses and has to think about it (for more than just 2 seconds), it makes him look like an elitist.  If he responds, "Yes.  I have sat in the middle from time to time," it would likely be viewed as an outright lie.  Either way, it makes him look like a douchebag since virtually all his flight experiences have been on a private plane or at the very least, commercial first class (in which case the armrest argument is rendered mute).  Just the mere mention of having to sit in the middle...  it's almost as bad as the "how many times a day do you beat your wife" question.  Someone should try it.  Hell, it could sink his campaign.  

Sunday, December 25, 2011


I went for an interception yesterday in Gold Lot 6 before the Rams game.  The end result was me biting the dust, or in this case, asphalt.  A banged up knee bone and a sore chest.  I could be hobbled for a while.  But as expected, free tickets were plentiful.  Tons of no-shows.  Attendance rolled in at 60,081.  That's 5,419 no-shows.  Way to go Steeler Nation.  I wonder how many will bail on the Ravens at Bengals next week.   I'm a little torn on that one.  Of course I want the Ravens to lose and Pixburgh to secure the #2 or even #1 seed (doubtful as the Bills would have to beat the Patriots).  But the thought of Cincy losing a heartbreaker has a certain appeal.  I wouldn't mind going to Cleveland Stadium next week.  Surprisingly, I've never been there.

Nevertheless, I came up with an unusual idea last night.  As I gazed at Gig's Christmas tree, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.  Pornaments.  That's right.  With the mainstream acceptance of pornography coinciding with the disdain, rejection and demise of organized religion, this could be a huge hit.  Most of those adult video companies sign their female stars to long-term contracts.  Why not have miniaturized porn action figures, or in this case Christmas tree pornaments?  The porn stars would embrace the self promotion and I'm sure there are a slew of weirdos out there who would eagerly display the shit.  I'm not even going to bother addressing the notion of cast moldings and poses.  Suffice to say, they would all have functional, moving parts.  You could even sell accessories with them - mini-lingerie and sadomasochistic stuff (whips, chains, masks, etc).  The possibilities are endless.

Back in the mid 90's, me and Alex hung an inverted Christmas tree from the ceiling and decorated it with empty beer cans, ticket stubs and misc. crap.  The tip of the tree was suspended just an inch from the floor.  Ohhh, happy day.  Holy night.  Whatever.  Anyway, it received rave reviews.  That same year we were gifted an assortment of Peeps.  Peeps are those disgusting sugar-dyed marshmallow hen-like animals.  We removed from the container and tacked some of them to the wall.  Then we proceeded to throw darts at them.  This made for some weak entertainment.  Regrettably, the woman who kindly made us the candy assortment saw what we had done with her beloved Peeps.  She was not amused.  In fact, she was completely disgusted with both of us.  Honestly, were we really expected to consume them?

Anyway, the time is right for pornaments.  You could really draw the ire from social conservatives in an election year, thus greatly enhancing the concept.  Seriously, it's a win-win.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas

I know.  I know.  As usual, the Christian majority is aghast.  Once again, the damn government wants to "take the Christ out of Christmas!"  Look here.  Look what they gone done.  They won't let our congressman/woman send out a card that says "Have A Merry Christmas."  This is political correctness gone awry.  I've had it up to here.  This is a Christian nation, damn it!  I'm sick n'tard of all these nonbelievers imposing their will on the defenseless majority.

Alright, let's tear this shit apart.  First, this is not a Christian nation.  The "founding fathers" espoused a government, of the people, by the people, for the people.  Back in the day, they went to great lengths to forgo the notion of some magical deity that commanded the populace like a marionette.  There's a reason they made specific mention that it was "the people" who all politicians must inevitably answer to.  Not some bearded, hovering grandfatherly figure.

But now it's gotten much worse.  For god's sake, you can't even tell people to "have a happy holiday."  What's the world coming to?  This would actually imply that the government is endorsing any religion.  What about those who don't celebrate the holidays.  We mustn't offend the atheists and infidels.  It could irreparably damage their sensibilities.  We can't command them to embrace notions of seasonal joy.  But just wishing people, "happy holidays"... well... I guess that's okay.  Kind of like saying Happy Hump Day.  Yeah, I get it.

But here's the real deal for all you arch conservative, anti big government right wing tea-baggers.  Rather than bitching up a storm about this overreach of politically correct behavior, why not think about the issue from my perspective.  If you take the blinders off, you'll find it coincides with your own view.  Why on earth is the government footing the bill for holiday greeting cards on the tax-payer dime?  Why are U.S. citizens forced to pay for this nonsense?  Every Senator, every member of the House sends out this gibberish in order to ingratiate themselves with their constituency.  Think about it.  Not only does it offer an unfair advantage from a campaigning perspective, it's just in incredibly poor taste.  Gaudy snowmen and horny mall store Santas, sandwiched betwixt frolicking elves - posing jubilantly amidst your extended family.  Sickening. 

And how about that appointed panel or commission established to make an official determination regarding exactly what particular message should be deemed offensive.  This disgusts me more than the aftermath of a combined beer/wine/scotch/eggnog induced evening of revelry.  Another waste of the tax dollar.  That's right.  I'm addressing you, you Rushtic Limbaughns?  I'm talking to you, you overindulgent mangerial idiots who always think prayer is the answer.  I've got some really bad news.  Prayer does nothing.  All that time and effort in vain.  You could have been sewing an itchy, woolen baby blanket or making your traditional sausage, ham, bologna and bacon omelette.  Instead, you went to church.  Kudos.

My point - let's get rid of these imbecilic government holiday greeting cards altogether.  Happy holidays, merry Christmas, abysmal kwanzaa, whatever...  Dispose of all this nonsense.  If a government official craves the desire to mandate dispensation of seasonal enjoyment, let them do it with their own money.  I suggest everyone send their politician the following message.  In my case it would go something like this...

Hey, Senator Rockefeller - take your greeting card and stick it up your ass.

Yo, James Manchin - why don't you go caroling with that Charleston pedophile mall store Santa?

Representative McKinley - On the 12th day of Christmas, my congressman gave to me... the gift of watching you engage in bestiality with the lead reindeer.  In this case, I'm hoping for a genetically mutated manimal named Rudolph McKinley.

We're done here.  Happy Hanukkah.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Civil Emergency in this area until 1:24 PM EST Take Shelter Now U.S. Govern

If you happen to reside in central New Jersey (specifically Monmouth, Ocean and Middlesex counties) and are a Verizon customer with a "cellular enabled device," you may have gotten the scare of a lifetime.  What happened on Monday afternoon, December 12, 2011 strikes me as something far more than a casual accident.  I'll let these 2 pictures speak for themselves...

CMAS just means Commercial Mobile Alert System

Now that second one looks a tad more menacing.  Nothing like a request to "Take Shelter" due to a "Civil Emergency."  Seriously, it evokes images of students being told to hide under their desks because the Soviet Union just launched a nuclear missile.  And guess what - it's heading straight toward central New Jersey.  Can you imagine the public reaction if this message was distributed at 1:24 AM, instead of during the pleasant afternoon hours?  If the majority of users had been awoken in the middle of the night, I think the public reaction would have made been vastly more severe.  In fact, the timing of the message seemed deliberate.  It was sent at 12:27pm during a period of relative calm, while many were on their lunch break (or if it was Snookie and the Jersey shore crew, they were probably just waking up after a night of binge drinking, arguing and brawling, eventually resulting in a deviant orgy).  My point though... the timing of this emergency text seems purposely attenuated to do "as little" damage as possible.  But someone must have had a purpose when they chose the specific 57 minute duration or the precise time until the emergency was to be lifted.

The content of the message was exactly the same, whether it was on your Android phone, I-Pad or whatever.

There have been plenty of articles written about it, but as I type this, the mainstream media appears content to just let the matter expire.  Since the issue of text induced panics and artificially generated stampedes has plagued my mind since mid-March of 2011, I simply cannot let this matter fall by the wayside.

Here's one of several articles written about the matter (they all say basically the same thing).

Verizon issued an apology and a retraction - stating there was no emergency and the original message should have included the phrase "test message."  Apparently, Verizon deemed this an "accident" (in an email from the company).  Sounds to me like a company spokesperson may have been coerced through government intimidation.  But this did nothing to allay fear as 911 calls poured in.  In a timely response (90 minutes later), the Federal Department of Homeland Security issued a statement stating there was "no emergency."  So glad the Janet-planet Napolitano-behemoth was there to offer a helping hand.  Way to go!  And so informative...  Reminds me of the post 9/11 run on duct tape.

There's a complete lack of accountability with regard to who was ultimately responsible for this.  And that's the only thing that DOES make sense with this fiasco.  Who on earth would personally step up and take the blame for this one?  Nobody, because this was likely NOT an accident.  Whoever sent this message out had a very specific agenda.  Maybe it was someone who had been consistently overruled or scoffed at, perhaps part of a larger bureaucratic turf war.  From where though?  You could probably take your pick.   Maybe a liaison between the New Jersey state and federal Department of Homeland Security?  Maybe a higher-up at Verizon that doesn't want to play ball with the federal government - someone worried about potential litigation and exposure.  How about someone at FEMA trying to exert their influence in opposition to the ill-advised time frame of the 2012 federal role-out of PLAN (Personal Localized Alert Network)?  Maybe an underling at the FCC who was recently demoted and has utter contempt for their boss?  Who really knows about the source of origin?  But we can establish one thing for certain.  Whoever did this, it's one of 2 things - they either share my specific, grave concerns OR were trying to exert leverage and influence in some way from within big business, but more likely the guvmint.   Odd I suppose, because the United States is the most attentive government on the planet.  It has always shown a penchant for deliberately weighing the concerns of its employees.  Every single one of them.  Particularly those who have a problem with the trajectory, methodology and intentions of big brother.

My fundamental argument - this text alert was NOT an accident.  It had a purpose, whether it be noble or nefarious (conceviably a combination of both).  There is a reason things like this happen.  They don't "just happen" like when a guy sleeps with his wife's mother on Maury Povich.  "Ohhh Murry, we were drinking ya know, and uhhh, well, it just happened Murry.  I'm sorry (in a diplomatic tone).  (followed by a sheepish) Will you forgive me?"
And I have a weird hunch that 1:24pm might signify something.  Maybe it's an important date (1-24-12 or January 24, 2012) with regard to the PLAN role-out.  Perhaps someone is implying, if don't get your shit together and warn people that these systems are not 100% secure by such and such a date...  but I'd rather not go down the  conspiracy/numerology route.  It's just a strange hunch.  Because someone must have had a legitimate reason for selecting "1:24" pm.  You don't just capriciously pick a specific time.  Ohhh, let's say 1:24... on a whim, I guess.  No fucking way.

And I couldn't help but notice that the message was sent immediately following the end of the "home game" portion of the college football season (it ended this weekend with the annual Army/Navy game at Fed Ex Field in Washington, DC).  The timing here seems a bit coincidental, too  As if to say... well, we got lucky this year, but eventually this streak of good fortune is going to end (regarding the potential for an artificially generated stampede).  After all, the upcoming bowl games would likely NOT be an issue - only home campus games with regard to the campus text alert system.  If this particular aspect doesn't make any sense, just scroll down and read the 9th chapter of my book...

That should clear up any confusion.  Well, I'm going back to bed.  Leaving for Arizona in a few hours.  I just had to get this shit off my chest.  Civil Emergency in this area until 1:24 PM EST Take Shelter Now U.S. Govern... I wonder what the next one will say.  All I know is that it will express some form of content.  But the question, what will be the intent.  And will it be yet another "accident?"

One more thought - why did this happen in New Jersey?  Perhaps because it's the most densely populated state in the country and it rivals New York City for major Homeland Security funding?  Or is that just another coincidence?  Why didn't that unintentional text alert go out to unexpected Verizon customers in the Bartlesville, Oklahoma area?  Just something else to think about.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Callista Gingrich will soon be sodomized (but not by Sandusky)

I watched some of the Republican debate recap this morning.  Good stuff.  I've come to one conclusion... The Republican party has really fucked itself.   I think the Iowa caucuses are going to provide no clear-cut winner.  And I think ALL of the Republican candidates, especially the lesser-tier (Santorum, Bachmann, Huntsman) will spin it that way in their post interviews.  I think they'll all say the same thing - "Iowa didn't give us a clear preference... so we're going forward to New Hampshire and South Carolina, Florida and so on."  Perry's probably thinking along the same lines except it's New Mexico, South of the Border, Panama, and so forth.

Every candidate seems to occupy a niche within the right wing.  And it's diluting everyone's brand.  Now factor in the aggressive retail campaigning of Santorum and Paul, even Bachmann.  They all have strong ground games.  Organization is critical in the caucus setting.  Unlike myself, some of these voters will sit in a church basement for over two hours.  Is it any wonder all of the candidates are so desperate to appeal to the anti-gay, prayer in school, religious fodder?  Look who has won the Iowa primary in the past - Pastor Huckabee, the fucking Reverend Pat Robertson for cryin' out loud? Seriously, what the fuck is that???  Still, the higher-tiered candidates fight back with heavy advertising.  Makes for a tangled mess.  Which I think is completely cool.  And why wasn't Jon Huntsman at the debate?  Betting your entire candidacy on New Hampshire is horribly naive for someone trying to portray themselves as a sensible, reasonable politician.  Much like Giuliani bet it all on Florida in the last go-around.  Bad move.  He never really stood a chance anyway.

And when Romney extended that $10,000 bet to Rick Perry, Perry should have said, "Uh Mitt, Mormon's don't gamble."  Could have raised himself another mil.  Regrettably, Perry ain't that quick on his feet, err uh, cowboy boots.

So anyway, the point of this blog.  A couple weeks ago I wrote about how Gingrich, or for that matter any of the field, could destroy Mitt Romney's campaign.  So this entry will be about how to annihilate Newt Gingrich.  Let's just say the gloves are going to come off.  I think Romney's team or a conveniently affiliated 527 group is gonna go after Newt's wife.  F'in A!  They could show that stoic, botoxed smile of hers when they bring up Newt cheating with Callista while his cancer-stricken wife was lying in a hospital bed.  The images would be brutal.  How's that for a negative attack ad.  This is the ultimate crushing death blow.  I'll put it in UFC terms - it's the Jon Jones guillotine choke on Lyoto Machida.  You can't counter it, because you've been knocked out.  Or if you prefer a 1980's wrestling reference - it's that lard-ass, monster-boobed New Yorker, Adrian Adonis, latching on with a sleeper hold. 

Newt has shown that he can handle all the smear tactics.  And Newt seems less immune to the flip-flop charges because he's viewed a fighter.  The acrimony recanted by fellow Republicans he served with in the House - nobody seems interested in hearing about it.  Charges that he was a "lobbyist" for Freddie Mac - they just don't seem to stick.  And he has distanced himself from all the ethics violations from the 90's (Although I think it's an issue, I really don't think most Americans care about it).  All that stuff, it just bounces off him... kind of like a Teflon-Newt.  I'm tellin' you what.  Newt Gingrich is the John Gotti of politics.  So when the gloves really do come off, they'll go after Callista - that devious, cheating mistress.  She's really an inviting target.  Hey, what the hell, let's bring back images of her and the gaudy jewelry from Tiffany's.  Photoshop a picture of her wearing multiple strands of pearls and a diamond-encrusted tiara.   Bring on the bling.  The first ever "conniving, scheming, deceitful, mistress shrew-bitch."  Is this really who we want as President and "first lady?"

I can't be the only one devising this strategy.  Romney's team probably calls it the "bombardment option."  "Nuclear option" might not be a politically correct term at the moment.  They probably polled a focus group of Iranian-American dissidents.  Now you could make the claim... what if it backfires?  Newt might appear courageous in coming to the defense of his wife (although he would refer to it as an act of "obstinate chivalry").  But it's hard to defend the honor of a woman who looks so phony and synthetic.  And something in my gut (which has added about 7 pounds recently - not kewl, need to start running again) tells me she just couldn't handle the humiliation.  How cool would that be.  She would go B-A-N-A-anas.  I could even envision watching her run.  Yeah, right.  Running straight to her family doctor for a maximum strength Xanax prescription.  Hell, let's make fun of her in that way too.  Just say that Callista is sooo privileged.  In her case, it's the doctor that must make the rare house-call.  For she is a real life sedentary Barbie-princess. 

The best scenario would be for Romney to get another candidate to the dirty work.  Rick Perry has demonstrated with an unusual degree of skilled acumen that he indeed could be this perfect dolt.  The guy literally cries out - "I am a complete joke and I have a ton of money to spend.  My campaign team raised all this cash.  Would one of you real candidates please exploit me?  I'm beggin' ya."

On an entirely different note, I have grown really sick of Tim Tebow and the in-your-face proselytizing.  I've never cared for Roethlisberger either (and his relentless pointing to the heavens above).  But I tolerate him cuz it's Pixburgh na't.  But Tebow?  I despise, loathe, detest and have a great deal of animosity for.  I'd love to see Ray Lewis or Terrell Suggs knock him out in Denver.  This could happen.  What if the Ravens head to Mile High (er uhh, Invescothon) as the 5th wild card seed.  I hope Tebow's Christian ass gets repeatedly pummeled with a hint of broken spine.  Wouldn't it be absolutely insane if Tim ended up like our friend TIMMY! (think South Park character).  Alright, that's enough.  I'll stop before I say something really hurtful.  Well... just one more thing.  We really need a high profile NFL player who's a devout atheist or worships the devil.  I'd even break from steadfast tradition and buy an officially licensed jersey.  Everyone else gets to celebrate this time of year.  Why not me?  Seriously, is this asking too much?

But I do stand by my assessment - I think we're going to see a vicious Callista Gingrich lynching in the very near future.  It's the most plausible, effective way to take out Newt.  Poor Callista.  We hardly knewt you.  I love politics.  I cannot wait.

Thursday, December 08, 2011

facebook will dismantle the online gambling industry

I just finished reading a brief article about how facebook is drawing advertising revenue from online gambling companies.  It got me to thinking.  Yeah, I know online gambling is illegal in the U.S.  Hell, our legislators have deemed it immoral.  If people gambled on pro sports, it could take a bite out of the church bingo circuit and hurt the scratch-off nonsense and state mega-lottery ticket sales.  Thank god we have a noble Congress that can enact laws on which type of gambling is morally acceptable.  And they've done a great job... because nobody can gamble on pro-sports.  Everyone knows it's illegal, thus nobody will be wagering on the Thursday night game (except about 200,000 people). 

The point - if you really want to gamble, you don't need to go down to the Sportsman's in downtown Wheeling and broker a bet with some guy named Lefty "Quick Draw" McSweeny.  All you do is go online, set up an account with a reputable company based in Costa Rica or Barbados (really anywhere), and they will be more than happy to extract 10% (even up to 15%) off you for every losing wager. 

But facebook has an unusual distinction.  Hundreds of millions of registered users.  They have the potential to turn the entire gambling world upside down.  How?  Pier-to-pier gambling.  It's a concept I invented this morning.  It has always been out there.  Think of it more like a toned-down office pool or just betting amongst your friends.  What if facebook set up a neutral, age-verified gaming site of their own?  In the meantime, they could just set up their subsidiary office outside the U.S. 

But here's the kicker designed to reek absolute havoc with all the conventional gambling sites.  It would be based on safely and securely wagering against your friends.  A regular gambling site sets you up with an initial amount of money (via credit card or bank draft) and then it takes its cut off your losing bets.  Facebook has the potential to completely dismantle this business model.  They could set you up with an intermediary account (much like paypal) and take a far less significant cut.  Their percentage could be more like 1%-2%, because they would make it up in VOLUME.  They already have the largest established user base on the planet.  My idea is "friends betting directly against their friends."  Instead of the traditional bookie making pay-outs or collections, you take the money directly from one of your facebook friends.

And it would be virtually impossible for U.S. legislators to crack down on this practice.  All the laws and regulation in the world can't do away with that NCAA Final Four office pool.  Of course, my idea has some far-reaching consequences.  But it's all based along the simple premise - is it okay if the government comes knocking on your door and says, "Hey, you made a personal wager with a friend of yours on the Browns-Steelers Thursday night game.  Guess what, you're under arrest!"  Although I'm sure this might appeal to a few Mormon Iowa caucus-goers, I don't see it happening from a practical perspective. 

Of course, the legal hurdles are problematic.  But once you get past the age verification issues, it just becomes a form of widespread, DECENTRALIZED online gambling.  I'm going to make a bold prediction here.  The U.S. Congress and the courts will eventually realize that these online gaming companies aren't going away.  They'll have to make it legal at some point.  The internet has transformed the gambling industry.  Of course there will be the customary resistance to the status quo... but eventually it's gonna happen.  At that instant in time, facebook will instantly become the biggest bookie on the planet.

And they can even target you based on your all your past posts.  Everyone knows who just checked-in at Heinz Field.  Here we go Steelers, here we go.  Yeah, I'd probably take Pittsburgh tonight.  The spread is -14.  Let's say 31-10.

Friday, December 02, 2011

How Ginrgich could terminate Romney

A month ago I devised of a way to destroy the Mitt Romney campaign (preferably in Iowa).  While I still think my idea has merit (the busload of ethnically diverse supporters accidentally filmed at all the Romney campaign stops), I surmised a much easier way.  Everyone seems to agree that it's all coming down to Romney and Gingrich.  I suppose Ron Paul will place somewhere in Iowa caucus contention (probably 3rd), but all the others are generally viewed as a joke.

Santorum - rigorous, valiant campaigner, but no cash
Bachmann - an absolute joke except to her immediate family and the Palin offspring.
Cain - I think he'll withdraw tomorrow.  Never had a real campaign.  Won't fare well in Iowa anyway.
Huntsman - just can't seem to break out past the 2% threshold
Perry - has money, but is the biggest rodeo clown of them all.  Just not ready for the grand stage.  Kind of shocked he was able to rise to the level of governor of a major state (even in a state filled of Texanic yokels)

So it will likely be Romney vs. Gingrich.  I think all the candidates know one immutable fact.  NONE of them will be selected for the veep slot if Romney gets the nomination.  Romney wants nothing to do with any of them for the same basic reasons their campaigns have failed.  He'll likely choose someone like Marco Rubio (FL) or maybe Portman (OH) - for help in a crucial swing state.  Or go with a respected outsider like John Thune (R- South Dakota).  Gingrich obviously knows this, so he'll likely go for blood.  Mormon blood!  I think that's a dark shade of lavender.  Others have tried to knock off Mitt and failed miserably.  Rick Perry worked the illegal immigrant angle - Romney employed a contractor to do some landscaping work (totally fucking weak).  Even worse, Perry couldn't finish the hatchet job.  It's sad when you memorize your own attack lines and end up looking like the fool.  Perry is real-life microcosm of the movie JackAss.

Anyway, how to besmirch Romney or make him suddenly lose front-runner status...
Let's start by putting out the following premise we can all agree on.  Republican primary voters can't stand Obama.  This is something we can all take for granted.  Gingrich should try and make Romney look like Obama.  Draw the parallel.  How can he do this... portray him as the fundraiser-in-chief, just like Obama (the campaigner-in-chief, not doing the job, etc. blah).  This would overshadow any of the picayune policy positions.  He could say, "Look this guy has been campaigning for the presidency for the past 8 years.  Do we really want MORE OF THE SAME, or will you trust your gut and try something different."  Although Newt's a total Washington insider, this puts Romney on the defensive.  It bodes well for the attack style of Gingrich.  Hell, the guy has no shame, doesn't care if anyone thinks he's a hypocrite - so why not go all out?  The question is how and when....

Anf here's the answer.  You don't just make the assertion, you offer up tangible proof.   Ever since McCain disposed of Romney in the 2008 primary, Romney has been buying up airtime on every cable network.  Does anyone remember all those "I'm your neighbor, I'm your dentist, I'm your teacher, I'm your anaesthesiologist when you got that colonoscopy, and I'm a Mormon commercials?"  They've ran fucking non-stop for years... then mysteriously they came to an end.  Well, they just didn't suddenly disappear...  they morphed into the Foundation for a Better Life commercials.  Now, it's these ones that play ad nauseum.  WHY?  Because the Romneyites were trying to raise the comfort level among Republican primary voters (nationwide, but particularly in Iowa and South Carolina which is an absolute necessity).  Subconsciously blend the ad campaigns.  This is our best shot.  It should dim the wits of the already dimwitted Fox viewers. 

So here's what Sir Gingrich Newton should do.  During the next high profile debate, he should directly call out the Romnathon.  "Listen Mitt, we all know that these endless Foundation For a Better Life commercials are part of a larger, slicker campaign strategy to put you in the White House.  The American people are TIRED of all this bait-and-switch maneuvering.  We already got plenty of that with the Obama "hope and change" campaign.  Look where that got us.  Now, you're the one trying to pull a fast one on the American people.  The voters want someone who can do the job, not a "window-washer trying to exploit the gullibility of the masses.  If you select me, you'll get a REAL candidate.  If you choose Mitt, you'll get another empty campaigner, devoid of anything SUBSTANTIVE.  It's up to the voters.

But here's the clincher.  After figNewton launches this offensive, he should call on Romney (face to face) to stop running all those Foundation advertisements.  This is a big deal because it gives Mitt only 2 viable options - both of which totally suck and destroy his credibility.  Both are lose-lose.  If he withdraws all the ads, it makes him Romney look like a total chump.  Hey, did you see how Newt called him out on the ads and Romney buckled - what a fucking pussy!  We'd be fools to nominate that phony.  But even better, Mitt probably cannot withdraw the ads (due to contractual obligations with the networks).  This scenario is worse because Newt has tied him to a deceptive, untrustworthy strategy.  And what's the fundamental reason Romney can't get over the 25% hurdle with Repub primary voters...  They don't trust him to be a "classic conservative" - they all think he's a flip-flopper.

So let's say, the Foundation ads continue unabated - it becomes this endless, incessant reminder of how Mitt tried to pull a fast one on the American public - the ultimate loser scenario for Mitt.  That's what's so brilliant - Romney loses either way.  There's no snappy comeback for this one.  And I doubt he's prepared to address the matter.  Odd, because Mitt has an answer for everything.  Mitt really is... the shit.

And if I were as evil as Newt (I'm not, but let's say hypothetically I was), I would make it a point to laughingly bring up that infamous, imbecilic basketball commercial.  This is the one where the kid tells the coach he "touched the ball on its way out of bounds."  Everyone has seen this commercial and when Newt calmly explains that it doesn't make any sense because the ref ALREADY made the call, the audience would erupt in laughter.  Newt should say, "Only Mitt Romney would find comfort and justification in a referee illegally flip-flopping on an out-of-bounds call that has already been made."  Then, Newt should go in for the kill and explain, "I hate to sound condescending, but the irony is really overwhelming.  Out of all of them, I think Mitt probably produced that one.  He's very hands on.  After all the kid did touch the ball when it went out of bands.  See, there's the proof."

But this is really powerful, because it destroys Mitt on credibility, not policy.  Then Newt can go in for the kill with some long-winded discussions about foreign and domestic positions.   I think that's the way you annihilate Romney - you turn him into a joke.  Nobody wants to be affiliated with the joke-of-a-candidate.  Everyone can accept some differing opinions on climate change, varying degrees of tax cuts, maybe even abortion.  But absolutely nobody wants to align themselves with the town idiot.  Especially in a caucus-style setting where everyone in the room sees who you're pulling for.

So when do you pull off this stunt.  Well, they just announced that Donald Trump (my favorite douchebag to the dumbshits) will be moderating the Dec. 27 debate in Iowa.  What better a time to deliver a crushing deathblow?  Romney will be playing total defense as usual.  Gingrich comes in and smothers Mitt with his gock (for those who don't know, that's a combination of gut and cock).  Romney has no time to launch a counteroffensive and his campaign gets seriously hampered heading into New Hampshire.  Gingrich vaults into second place in NH - doesn't matter how bad Romney beats him if he places second.  Then, it's onto South Carolina where the backwoods, Jesus freaks are terrified of a Mormon.  Gingrich wins again.  2 out of 3 should do it. 

Please keep in mind, I think all the Republican candidates (with the exception of Ron Paul) are totally excrementilicious.  That might sound like a ringing endorsement, but trust me, it means they're all joyful, heralded piles of excrement (aka shit).  I'll be voting for Obama.  And the real irony of me writing this particular blog, if it has to be a Republican in the White House, I'd feel much more comfortable with Romney.  Romney's a phony but Gingrich is pure evil.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

McDonald's 20-piece chicken mcnugget observations

I noticed that McDonald's has been pushing their 20-piece chicken McNugget extravaganza on the population at-large.  They do this from time to time, just as McRib seemingly goes on some kind of seasonal fast food sabbatical.  The prospect of consuming 20 McNuggets in one sitting is an intriguing one.

I wanted to do some analytical research, so I searched for the latest McCommercial.  I accidentally came across this abomination...

I think this seemed geared toward the Slum Dog Millionaire kids.  If I was an impoverished child living in southern India, this commercial seems like the "party of a lifetime."  If I was the 4th of 9 starving children living in a 2 bedroom apt. surrounded by absolute squalor, what would I realistically dream about?  Probably the 20 piece.  I always wondered if they should have a curry dipping sauce.  I'm not too hip on curry, but how about tandoori dipping sauce?  In Wheeling, WV, we call that spicy buffalo.

I'm getting way off topic.  The purpose of this blog was to invoke the age-old question...  At what point does the law of diminishing marginal returns (utility/satisfaction) enter into the equation when applied to a $4.99 box of 20 Chicken McNuggets?  For those who never took Econ 101, this just means...  at what point during the McConsumption do you begin to feel less satisfied with your crispified, steroid-injected, oblong-shaped (yet somehow miraculously consistent with 5 variations of the word circular) chickified pieces?

First: the customary disclaimer:  I hit the drive-thru in Elm Grove about once every 45 days.  I usually just get 2 of the dollar meal items per trip.  When I think McDonalds... I think of it in terms of "tiding me over."  Eat just enough to satiate my grease craving.  I have never ordered a 20 piece.  I have no such intention.  I doubt I ever will.  I have purchased a 9-piece on 2 or 3 occasions back in the early 1990s.  The shameful truth - with the much heralded 20-piece ringing in at 5 bucks, it just seems outside my comfort zone.  And if I wanted fries, that ups my meal to the $7.00 range.  Purchasing the small fries (now it's just misleadingly labeled medium) is rarely enough.  I think they give you about 23 fries in that lilliputian coffee filter.  I normally don't buy fast food fountain beverages, but if I did, when you add in tax, that's surpassing the $8.00 range.  MY POINT - I just don't feel mentally okay with splurging in the $10 range at McDonald's.  Perhaps if I had a Xanax prescription or some Steubenville oxycontin, it would see me through.

So McSaffy... if you go to McDonald's, what is it that you actually consume?  People who know me are aware of one immutable fact - I have never eaten a Big Mac.  At 41 years of age, isn't it about time?  The answer is an unequivocal no.  I just can't seem to get past the thousand island dressing that's always oozing out the sides.  I've witnessed this happen in real life.  Usually the perpetrator is seated by himself and seems to have an abundance of exposed shoulder hair peaking through his t-shirt.  The t-shirt invariably reads "Allied Waste Management" or "Mr. Bubble - It makes bath time fun!"   Again, I digress.  So what do I actually buy at McDonald's?

For breakfast: Sausage burrito (w/ hot sauce) OR Sausage McMuffin OR Egg McMuffin AND hash brown.
For lunch: McDouble OR 4-piece McNuggets AND medium or large fries.
For dinner: I don't eat at McDonald's after 3pm so it's non-applicable.

And every once in a while I'll buy a caramel sundae.  Sometimes I'll get a kid's meal.  When they ask me if it's a boy or girl, I tell them the question is patently offensive.  "What do you have in the realm of toys for the transgendered?  Is there an LGBT option?  This is West Virginia.  Ya know... I could sue all your McAsses."

So if you've you've journeyed this far in the blogging experience, I feel compelled to answer the earlier question I posed about the 20-piece chicken consortium.  At what point does one grow weary during the brightly-lit dining experience?  When does it become McCumbersome?  After being bombarded by that electronic cash register's incessant, piercing, synthetic noise in the background, when do you look down at the burnt sienna tray of gruel and mutter "Ugghhh, I've had enough."  After all, isn't that what America is really about?  It's easily the best question for a prime time Republican debate:

Ron Paul - thinks every American should have the freedom to buy chicken on an individual McNugget basis (25 cents per nug).

Newt Gingrich - refuses to acknowledge that he ever lobbied for the fast food industry.  He just gave speeches about how tasty their products are (from a historical perspective, of course).  Newt's favorite item would likely be the discontinued Arch Deluxe.

Herman Cain - showered the McDonald's female regional manager with compliments and offered to broaden her horizons.  He lavished her with meals at Chick-Fil-A and a tour of Tyson chicken farm in Arkansas or wherever.

Rick Santorum - fights for the lives and dignity of all chickens.  Abhors the concept of using embryonic chicken cells. 

Mitt Romney - flip flops between McNuggets and McChicken sandwiches.  Finally has taken a stand on drummies after years of preferring "double boners" aka "the flatties."  (jbdczr - just wondering if you still read my nonsense - hope you're enjoying you're Florida vacation).

Jon Huntsman - nobody cares about this traitor.  Might as well be the ambassador to Burger King.

Michelle Bachmann - has the same bold opinion on any chicken-related topic... "I want to make Barack Obama a one-term president." 

Rick Perry - can't seem to get his fowl straight.  He's heard of chicken and quail but can't seem to remember the last one (ooops... it's pheasant).  But he does have great admiration for the Dick Cheney hunting experience.   

Chris Christie - if he were in the race, I believe his magic number would be 24.  Had to snag an extra 6-piece.

Sarah Palin - as a fox News analyst, she'd chime in how wonderful all the answers were.  They all have one thing in common.  They all gave better answers than our current president or anyone from his failed administration.

SAF - so you've reached the end of my early morning blogging experience.  I couldn't get back to sleep.  The answer you seek... drum roll please................. 8.  After digesting the eighth blessed McNugget, I would be impacted by the laws of diminishing marginal satisfaction.  So for me, the 20-piece was never really an option.  Happy to weigh in though.

On an unrelated note... I made a new thug-inspired double sonofcd.  The last one (sonofsucka/sonofshiznit) was very well received.  This new compilation is titled sonofcisco/sonofsticky-icky.  Just ask for it by name.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Jay-Z / Kanye West, 11-27-11, Consol Energy Center

I haven't been to a rap concert in many a moon.  I went to something called K-Ci and Jojo w/ 98 Degrees at Starlake, but I have absolutely no idea what transpired. That show was back in 2001 and it was more of a boy-band nonsense show.  This one was probably the most sought after rap show of the year.  I hastily made a sign which accurately reflected my desire to see the concert.

Yep.  That pretty much sums it up.

 I cruised up to meet Gig.  Got to her place around 5pm and consumed a small amount of lasagna, salad and an obligatory piece of garlic bread.  But the garlic flavor was virtually nonexistent.  For it was just a hint.  Not reminiscent of some earlier clovular and nutmegging schemes I have grown accustomed to.  Regrettably, the opposite happened to my side salad.  I accidentally bombarded it with a deluge of balsamic vinaigrette.  How can they not install those plastic safety caps on all salad dressing containers?  Weak.  If only I had been paying closer attention to the dressing dispersal pattern.  It's not like me to be so aloof when it comes to pouring methodology.

So we bolted out at 6:15 p.m.  Showtime was set for 7.  With no opening act, I wondered why the doors would open so early.  I had downloaded a weak audience recording of the show from Greensboro, NC.  I just wanted to absorb the sound, atmosphere and set list from the infamous "Watch the Throne" tour.

We zipped down past the Pig Bar.  Is it still open?  Is it closed?  These are questions that plague mens' souls.  Fortunately, I am indifferent.  We ate there over the summer and it was mediocre at best.

A large crowd had gathered outside Consol.  You gotta get in there early.  Oddly enough, there was no opening act.  So Jay-Z and Kanye didn't go onstage til 9:20pm.  That gives you almost 2 1/2 hours to sample the arena cuisine and buy some horrifically overpriced beverages.  Fortunately, we don't pursue that course of action.  I cannot fathom standing around for all that time.  

We surveyed the scene and Gigi quickly snagged 2 free tickets from a radio station guy.    Upper level comps.   Plenty of tickets were floating around.  We went in a little after 8pm.  I had some pretty severe heartburn and wanted a couple antacids.   So we went to the first aid room on the lower level.  BAM!  This is a great way to get on the lower concourse without being sneaky.  Just tell them you need to go to the First Aid room.  It's right near the Nakama outlet. 

We decided to skip our usual seats on the side of the stage.  There were some rolling lounge chairs in front of us.  So we just stood behind them.  Great area to watch an end-stage concert.  Close to the action, but you don't have to worry about dumbshits crowding you out and bumping you.

The structure of the stage was completely bad ass.  Basically, it had these two mammoth cubes that would elevate.  Just two background "musicians" - both equipped with keyboards and one that occasionally played bass.  Two huge widescreens which featured vintage footage of 60's and 70's material.  National geographic stuff (cheetahs and assorted animal attacks), riots, cop car chase scenes, civil rights moments, military engagements - all the sequences were spot-on.

The stage itself was enormous but very sleek.  All jet-black with one main ramp.  Plenty of fiery explosions and a piercing laser show.  Their lighting rivaled just about anything I've ever seen on the arena circuit. 

The crowd energy was exceptional.  Everyone remained standing the entire concert, bouncing around, hippity-hopping and making frequent triangular hand gestures.  Their purpose???  To ingratiate themselves with all that is thuggin'.  We did witness the occasional "monster hoochie mama," but for the most part, the crowd was white and in their twenties and thirties.

Jay-Z and Kanye came out for what seemed like low-energy openers.  Until they got to Welcome to the Jungle.  Then things picked up a little.  These guys have tremendous stage presence and did a great job of alternating.  Although different stylistically, they really complement each other.  Favorite moments included Flashing Lights, Public Service Announcement and Empire State of Mind.  We skipped out on the final 15 minutes or so. 

Made it back to the house just after the Steelers defeated Chiefs 13-9 in what was obviously a lethargic victory.  We made the right choice.  And we didn't even need to use the "Cracker Jew" sign (which I'll willingly admit, was a tad excessive).

Friday, November 18, 2011

Death Angel, Testament, Anthrax - 11-17-11, Stage AE

It has been awhile since I went to an all-out metal show.  I think the last one was about 4 years ago - me, Jepsonian and some woman (whose name escapes me) went to Overkill on the Southside at the Rex.  Gig and I met up with a merry threesome and would later run into a dual Nowak/Zelek entity.

Gig scored a bunch of free tickets and wristbands.  I was a little under the weather.  My yearly encounter with the flu had hit a few days prior.  Nonetheless, we all met up at 7pm.  A long line of metalheads orderly wrapped around the venue.  The streetlights beamed down on the Zilch brothers' hairy arms.  Scattered grunts and growls permeated the North shore.  It was cold and windy, but hardly unbearable.

I was curious to see what the crowd would actually look like.  Lots of balding, middle-aged men.  I'd estimate the median age around 42.  I wondered how aggressive the pit would get, considering the crowd wasn't a bunch of invincible spring-chickens.  We gulped down our wine and I slammed the remainder of a vodka/grapefruit concoction.  We also had orange wristbands which gave us access to the upper floor.  This turned out to be a good thing.  I had no desire to get pushed around and sweated upon.  I don't like it when some sweaty, shirtless fat-ass from Zelienople comes a rubbin' up on me.  For that matter, Dormont too.

We took some seats in the balcony.  I'll make this statement now.  Someone is going to fall and/or get pushed off the balcony at Stage AE.  The entire length of the metal barrier that serves to prevent such a tragedy is only waist high.  This needs to be addressed by Stage AE ownership asap.  Totally a lawsuit waiting to happen.  I'm thinking the indomitable Cindy Berger of Berger and Green could take the lead.  I can't believe it hasn't already happened.  Especially when the upstairs is packed.  It's just a matter of time.

Anyway, Death Angel came on and ripped through 5 or 6 songs.  These guys are relentless.  The lead singer still has that voice along with some of the longest dreadlocks I've ever seen.  Kind of like a trash metal entangled Crystal Gayle.  I was briefly transported back to 1989 when I saw Death Angel open for King Diamond at Bogart's in Cincy on their Frolic Through the Park tour.  I'll never forget hanging with the drummer after the show.  He was sneaking us Corona's, while a little concerned about getting busted for underage consumption.  At the time, we were 18-19, and the drummer told us he was only 16.  Just an amusing side note I think about from time to time.   They had a different drummer for this recent tour.  Their set was over way too fast.  I think they played for maybe 35 minutes.

Next up was Testament.  Chuck Billy must be the most the most terrifying San Fransiscan American Indian on the planet earth.  I've had a number of encounters with these guys - all from the New Order and Practice What You Preach era (1988-1990) in Pennsylvania (City Limits) and Ohio (Bogart's, Newport's).  Gig managed to snag a copy of their set list from the sound guy.  Very cool.  The first half of their set, I knew all the songs.  The second half, I had no idea what the hell was going on.  I made a sign that read...

(your children well)

...and hung it from the balcony.  Other than our group, I don't think anyone saw it.

We stuck around for the first 3 songs of Anthrax and then bolted the hell out of there.  I've always been a little annoyed by Anthrax.  Twenty years later, I can't forgive them for that "I Am The Man" rap song.  Back then, they embarrassed the trash movement with that nonsense.  I recall some of my lamer Def Leppardesque classmates yapping about how cool Anthrax was.  My responses were typical of my mindset at the time, "You idiots don't know shit about heavy metal."

As for the nature of the pit and crowd surfing, it was more rambunctious than I expected.  One guy in particular,  he wore a red and blue jersey with the #7 on it.  This guy was taking on anyone he could with a tenacious Pixburgh sumo-yinzer dispostion.  Another guy in a leather jacket was purposely doing Anderson Silva UFC-inspired high knee kicks.  Totally out of line.  All in all, I'd say the pit exceeded my expectations.  And I liked our vantage point from the relative safety above (until someone falls over the ledge of course).

We made it back to Gig's in time to see Tim Tebow lead the Broncos to a Thursday night victory over the NY Jets.  6 1/2 points my ass.  I had a hunch about that game.  Praise his light.  I actually think Tebow has struck gold as the new evangelist leader of the NFL.  Tebow's basically saying to Kurt Warner, "Take your midwest St. Louis legacy and stick it up your wife's ass."  At least that's my interpretation.  Kudos.  Honestly, Tebow deserves some degree of credit.  Not praise, just credit.  He's going to have one of the top selling NFL jerseys in no time.  Win or lose.  That's the beauty of acknowledging the lord.  Everyone's a winner.  Even if you lose, you win.  And that's the greatest winning streak of them all.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

3-team parlay

As I've stated, I don't gamble on pro football anymore.  But I do like this 3-teamer for Sunday.  And it pays out bigtime...

$20 to win $2027.50

I like 1 home team and 2 road.  All must win outright.  Denver (tonight) over the Jets.  Tampa over Green Bay (the big upset) and Arizona over San Francisco.

Denver (+6.5) over NY Jets:  Jets coming off an emotional loss at home to New England.  Then, they've got to travel to Denver on the short week, and after a night game to top it off.  And there's the altitude.  Coach Ryan's to busy telling fans to "fuck off" - you need a little more professionalism in the NFL.  Eventually, that stuff comes back to haunt your team.  Tebow is probably looking forward to the national broadcast and a chance to indoctrinate some viewers who wish to "see the light."  I think Denver squeaks out a close one.  Definitely low-scoring.  

Denver - 13
NY Jets - 10

Tampa Bay (+14) over Green Bay:  I know...  I know....  Betting against Aaron Rogers at home?  Are you nuts?  Well, not really.  I don't think any team goes undefeated.  And Green Bay has a short week after the Monday night trouncing of Minnesota.  Everyone's gotta lose sooner or later.  This would be logically be the one.  Tampa and Josh Freeman usually keep things close.  This used to be a big rivalry and Tampa needs it to stay alive.  This is the Buccaneers' Superbowl.  I think Tampa shocks them late in a shoot-out.

Tampa 31
Green Bay 28

and finally... I kind of like Arizona over San Francisco.  San Fran has been winning a lot of close, emotional games.  They've got energy and talent but the spread is +9.5.  That seems unusually high for an NFC West intra-division game.  The spread's high because San Fran is 8-1.  Does anyone really think the 49ers will end up 14-2?  I don't.  Arizona has looked tough on the road - come from behind wins in Philly and a tight game in Baltimore.  Both were tough, early East coast games.  I think the Cardinals slip one by.  Just an aside, have you seen the model of the new stadium in San Fran - it's completely bad ass.  I imagine it will have all the amenities (even a gay porn shop).

Arizona - 23
San Fransisco - 21

The only reason I'm posting this is because of the enormous pay-out.  Just over 100-1.  That's pretty good for only 3 results.

Tonight I will revisit my youth and check out Anthrax, Testament and Death Angel.  Physically, I'm a little under the weather but this concert could prove interesting.  Considering it will likely be an older crowd, I'm curious to see how physical it gets.  I'll be steering clear of the pit.  I never really cared much for Anthrax, but used to be a huge Death Angel fan.  Testament as well.  PREACH.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Willard Romney wants to attack Iran???

If I were Barack Hussein Obama, here's what I would do... 

The Republicans are already tagging me "the campaigner-in-chief."  As if Obama's the only potential 2-term candidate to ever engage in campaign fundraising endeavors.  And they will continue to berate him for the foreseeable future.  Most of Fox's audience eats that shit up - He needs to be doing the job instead of pandering to the Hollywood directors! 

Anyway, Obama has been wise to steer clear of the Republican battle royal.  Let them rip each other to shreds in a desperate attempt to appease the extreme elements of the far right.  Whether it be abortion, immigration, guns, Jesus, or gays... each one, except Huntsman, is smitten with trying to appeal to the hardcore right.  Hell, with good reason, that's where the primary votes are.

On abortion, even in cases of rape and incest, most of these embryonic neanderthals want to return to the early 1950's.  If the life of the mother is in danger, don't fret... Bristol Palin said she'll step up and assume the role of baby momma.
On the U.S./Mexican immigration fornt, it's all about sending in the military to enforce the boundaries.  Hey, why not build a wall of electrocutionary impalement and a mote filled with LSD.
And everyone needs an AKA-47.  More weapons is just what this country needs as it spirals into economic oblivion.
We must acknowledge the Christ child as our lord and savior and repent accordingly.  We all have sinned, except Newt of course, the exempt hypocrite.
And as for the homos... we must not only discourage their behavior, we must condemn them to hell while simultaneously trying to "cure" them (which is even more messed up).

But Mitt, or Willard if you prefer, crossed a major line.  He didn't just make empty campaign promises this time.  He unequivocally stated...

Under a Romney administration, Iran will NOT have a nuclear weapon. 
With an Obama administration, Iran will have a nuclear weapon.

This was a major proclamation and Obama should call him on it.  This isn't like the routine economic or social issues.  This is an outright pre-declaration of WAR.  We're talking about a commitment to go to war from the Republican party's most likely candidate.  Obama should step up and address the nation.   Most voters would admit that Obama hasn't engaged in demonizing the Republican candidates.  It's really more about appearing presidential and staying above the fray.  So it would be a "big deal" if he suddenly ventured in that direction.  Reasonable people would wonder why Obama stepping in.  And why is he doing it now? 

He should say something like this...

Mitt Romney's recent statement crossed the line.  Unless he knows something that he's not been sharing with us (outright knowledge of an imminent Iranian attack on the U.S. or its allies), Mitt Romney's promise to preemptively engage the United States on another war-front is unacceptable.  Obama should put Mitt directly on the spot and ask, "If you're serious about this, you must explain to the American public exactly how you're going to accomplish this new directive once you obtain office.  Americans deserve to know the specific nature of the threat, the resources you'll immediately require and the steps you'll take to offset the Iranians.  They need to know the costs up front and the potential ramifications (specifically, the potential for a spike in the price of crude oil).  Then, and only then, can we engage in a reasonable discussion on the specifics.  But to just throw out a unilateral proclamation like that (and without access to the National Security briefings) is wholly unacceptable.

In my mind, none of the Republican crop is suited for commander-in-chief.  Romney's the only one who comes close.  Huntsman maybe, if he invested all his personal fortune (he won't).  And Obama's timing for this would be perfect.  Romney isn't expected to win the Iowa caucus.  He's spending little money there after being dismantled in 2008.  Fucking Huckabee won the thing.  He's pinning all his hopes on the momentum from New Hampshire.  Probably the wiser move.  Anyway, if Obama gave the "responsibility in campaigning" speech just before the Iowa caucus, it vastly diminishes the credibility of their whole field.  Not only do the zealots need lectured, they need wisdom and guidance.  If the ring-bearer of the party is being this irresponsible, how could we ever handle the other, more extreme candidates.  Hell, if the non-Willard Republican that wins Iowa doesn't have the presidential temperament, how on earth could we trust that which is Romnevitable .  This would make the Republican party look really silly and portrays Obama as a responsible prognosticator of how things will inevitably unfold.  And it makes Romney look like all the other Bachmannesque, Cainian, Gingrichbread Santorums.  Good positioning for the general.  Make Romney look like a hardcore right-winger that even the right-wing idiots don't trust.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Dedicated to all that is SAF

There are countless organizations and acronyms called SAF.

The London based company SAF, or Safeland PLC, trades at roughly 8 bucks per share.  It used to be about $100/share 5 years ago.  Much like the human being SAF, the company appears to be on a downward trend.  Safeland deals with property management and industrial refurbishing.  The human SAF has difficulty coping with household water pressure issues.

However, my favorite company is the American SAF (Southern Aluminum Finishing) a metal fabrication company based out of Atlanta, GA.  A couple years ago I emailed the president of the company and asked if he could spare a t-shirt or ball cap with the word SAF on it.  His response, "No problem dude.  I'm on it."  Two days later a padded mailer was in my mailbox.  I quickly tore it open like a child spilling out Halloween candy on the living room floor.  Inside was this...

This famous SAF ball cap has easily surpassed all my other favorites, including such notables as Coors Light, M Life, Ross Police, WVU and Gordon River, Strahan. 

SAF also stands for Society of American Florists.  Regrettably, I can't tell the difference between a pansy or a posie, a rose or a daffodil.  Fortunately, Gig knows a thing or two about the floral industry.  She was kind enough to furnish me with this legendary piece of cardboard which I cherish quite regularly.

Now if that doesn't have you brimming with excitement... how about these assorted HER-SAF products from the mysterious company known as Safranek Enterprises.  Once again, compliments of Gig.

This miniature tablet is the modern day equivalent of the Dead Sea Scrolls.  It holds so much important documentation.  Truth be told, the contents are blank.  I think it seems well-suited for future scrabbling endeavors.

And I once got this letter from SAF.  It's like Saf offering thanks and heaping gratitude upon itself.  Almost as if Saf is an omniscient figure (kind of like the God-Jesus thing that seems wildly popular). This SAF is better known as Student Action with Farmworkers.  But alas, I am not a farmer.  My attempts to grow vegetables have been, for the most part, a meager failure.

It's really wonderful to see the corporate Saf's, non-profit Saf's, and human Saf's all getting along in relative peace and harmony.  Much like the racial tolerance illustrated by the "black and white" cookie in a weak, early Seinfeld episode.  "Look to the cookie, Elaine.  Look to the cookie."

Alright, so here's my point.  In honor of Veteran's Day, a mass email from a division of the American Red Cross was sent.  Jepsonian forwarded it to me.  I think it was sent to all those who've recently given blood.  It was from SAF (Service to the Armed Forces).   It lists the top 5 things you can do to support SAF.

In keeping with that spirit, here are the top 5 things you can do to support SAF, the individual.

5) Save me all your corks.  I might have 6,000 or so, but you can never have enough.  Synthetic ones are fine.

4) If you're planning on having a baby, name the child after me.  If it's a boy, "Saf" or "Saffy" is acceptable.  If it's a girl, I think "Safaleena" has a nice ring to it.  The middle name "Chlamydia" would be a fine addition.

3) If you know any of the local Krishnas or have a modicum of influence over the cult-oriented Palace of Gold, start dropping my name.  "Oh, Eric Saferstein thinks you Hindus are the bomb-diggity" or "Eric's a devout vegan.  I heard he recently swore off swine and won't partake of any animal that has a cloven hoof."  This is more of a long-term project.  I'm trying to get my foot in the door (or sanctuary) and become the next Swami Bhaktipadastein.  I'd be willing to offer up a fractional percentage of the Chesapeake Energy/Marcellus Shale proceeds.  I've always dreamed of having my very own cult.

2) If you're stopping up, bring a rake or one of those leaf blowing contraptions.  Do you have any idea how many leaves have fallen?  We can rake them over the hill or onto Fuckface's property.  Bring a chainsaw as well. 

1) Properly honor and show respect for the new British talk show host, Jeremy Kyle.  When referencing the practice of safe sex or using condoms, take on a stilted English accent and yell, "The problem is you're not acting responsibly!  You need to wrap up your DOODLESNICKER!"

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Why the demise of the Washington Redskins

I had a hunch the Washington Redskins would bite the dust this season.  They started strong at 3-1, but have quickly faltered.  Historically, I've been a fan of head coach Mike Shanahan.  As the Broncos head coach, he was the perfect blend of "players coach" and "management coach."  That would explain the multiple Superbowl runs.  But when I heard he appointed his son Kyle Shanahan as the new Redskins offensive coordinator, I just knew it was a bad idea.  Engaging in nepotism, particularly under the spotlight of the nation's capitol AND at the top of rungs of the NFL ladder, is a patently bad idea.

Any head coach who brings in their son to run the offense or defense isn't doing the team any favors.  To speculate that out of the hundreds of NFL football coordinators, coaches and assistants - the best, ultimate choice is "my son" - doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense from a rational, percentages perspective.  Not to mention the thousands of choices from the collegiate ranks.  When things go bad, and at some point they always do, people look to point fingers.  This leads to accusations and firings.  When daddy is faced with the possibility of firing his own son, the press will have a field day.  The surrounding chaos and distractions will irreparably damage the team.  And the circus atmosphere would parallel the recent PSU (Pennsylvania Sodomizers Union) situation. 

Following Bill Cowher's departure, many Steelers fans were upset that neither Ken Whisenhunt (then offensive coordinator) nor Russ Grimm (offensive line coach) weren't chosen by Rooney.  I'll make my point again.  To just assume that the best possible head coaching option has "miraculously been right under our nose the whole time" is incredibly naive.  Fortunately, they ventured outside the division (and conference) and went with Mike Tomlin.  I likes Mikey.

This is the same reasoning that makes Jerry Jones (Dall-Ass Cowchicks owner) such a joke.  Oh my god, someone is going to poach our "wonderkind" offensive coordinator Jason Garrett.  Obviously, he's the best possible choice for the new head coach.  He's "one of us."  He's the hottest commodity.  Cowboy blood is coursing through his veins.  We must ink him asap.   I'm a little surprised that Jerry Jones never considered Rick Perry.  He'd make a fine head coach and commander-in-chief for that matter.  Uhhh, uhhh (53 second pause).... OOPS.  Well, maybe not.

It's comical how football teams with the biggest ownership egos (like Daniel Snyder, Jerry Jones) are so susceptible to this.  All that money, all that swagger... it will never stop you from screwing up the most important decisions.  Human ego - ultimately responsible for the collapse of humanity.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Quoth the Ravens

I am relatively disgusted with the Steelers loss in the Sunday night game.  I can only take some degree of solace in knowing I didn't head up.  And while I reap a little satisfaction in the fact that plenty of chump fans dished out insane amounts of cash, it's just not enough.  So yesterday, I made these diminutive protest signs to help alleviate my pain and suffering.  As always, they both employ my trademark "hidden meaning lift-up."

And yes, the correct old English term is "Quoth" not "Quote."  I particularly like the dangling "S" on the end of Ravens.  It has a certain degree of mechanical sophistication.

And of course this next one is timeless...

I'm seriously contemplating making signs for all 32 NFL teams.  This would probably serve as the underlying template for the next book.  The purpose of the signs would be 2-fold.  The first objective is to offer up a unique slogan or humorous quip designed to help a person score a free ticket.  The second goal is to mock or ridicule specific players.  Along that same line, coaches, ownership and/or the team's brand would also be targeted.  I'll need to do one division per day.  I'm going after all 32 NFL teams, with one glaring exception.  The Steelers will obviously be omitted.  It just wouldn't be right.  Too bad, considering the ample yinzer material.  If you have any strong ideas for specific teams, please shoot me an email.

I'm also considering a similar concept for all sitting U.S. Senators and Governors.  I consider it payback for all the corruption.  The timing has never been more appropriate.  With the NFL, it's more about lambasting the greed of the players and ownership.  I'll probably do a bunch for the Cowboys and Jerry Jones. 

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Carolina Panthers NFL RUSH Play 60 commercial

Here's the new NFL commercial encompassing the "We've got spirit, how about you???" vibe from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  Remember when the two cheerleaders were staging the football rally in the gymnasium.  The student body was generally unresponsive.  I recall someone launching a paper airplane that whizzed by one of the girls' heads.

Anyway, the NFL's trying to increase fan spirit with this hippy-rappy thug party.  Hey, it's all about teamwork I guess.  To be honest, I really don't have a clue what's going on with this commercial.  I can't understand anything these teenagers are singing.  It sounds like just a bunch of collective yapping with intermittent blips of the word "bus."  What the fuck is this?

And why the FUCK is Newt Gingrich the bus driver???  Seriously, check out what happens at the 21st second mark.  The spot is only 30 seconds.   Maybe he's trying to broaden his appeal.  I do not know.  Though I do think Newt would make a fine stationary hot dog salesman/concessionaire guy. 

Anyhoo, nobody cares.  That's fine.  I made a sign for the game tonight.  It's another flip-up model based on the infamous "Trent Dilfer #6, Trent Dildo 6"... 

And here it is...

Admittedly on the ghetto side, but I think my point is clear.

I'll go Steelers 20, Ravens 10.  The over/under is 42 which seems really high.  Especially since our defense is banged up.  Usually it's in the 36-38 range. 

Regardless, I've decided to skip the game tonight (insert a gasp from someone who's in a state of shock and disbelief... perhaps a hardcore Michael Jackson fan when the jury delivers a "not guilty" verdict.  I feel bad for the good doctor.  As if that walking freakshow was going to outlive Andy Rooney.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Cain's sexual harassment charge

Scattered thoughts...

I've been watching the breaking news updates regarding the charges being lobbed against Herman Cain.  Fascinating stuff.  I have two weird hunches.

A. The woman will be WHITE (this could leave a bad vibe with entrenched elements of the tea party).
B. She will be about 100 lbs. overweight (designed to further diminish his credibility).

Alright, there were 2 women who filed harassment charges.  Both cases were settled.  Why has only one of them come forward?  Seems like the goal of a smear campaign wouldn't want to focus on the he said/she said crap.  Although any particularly salacious testimony could be a nice, unintended bonus.  The main objective would be to drag everything out as long as possible.  That means one thing - OMG!  Now the other woman's coming forward!

People might think I'm completely full of shit, but it bears a striking resemblance to the Wikileaks rape allegations against Julian Assange.  When orchestrating the hatchet job, always go with drugs/alcohol or sexual accusations.  It works so much better than money.  After Bernie Madoff set a new standard and scammed 60+ billion, it's difficult to get people riled up over an amount.  The American public has little interest in numbers, they want the wicked dirt.  That's why the real disaster, the housing collapse, will never top 9/11.  People don't care about 10 trillion dollars.  They just can't grasp it.  They prefer things to be simpler and spoon fed, much like the unseasoned mush of Mehlman's Cafeteria.  Sifting through the details of the sup-prime collapse will never hold their attention span.  Even Obama doesn't want to mention... raising taxes is simply going from 32% to 36% on the top income earners.  It would make him look like he's lecturing the public.  He's still mindful of the dreaded price of arugula.  At the time, the arugula controversy was a BIG deal.  Made him look too pompous and egalitarian, something he desperately seeks to avoid.  What's comical - assuming the Republicans choose Romney, they forfeit that entire mode of attack. 
The only point the media seems to agree on: Cain's campaign never had a handle on the story and was woefully negligent.  I completely agree.  Cain's staffers and his lack of professionalism almost rivals Rick Perry's team.  At least, Perry's minions raised a shitload of cash.

And how about the notion that the reemergence of the scandal came from somewhere deep within the Restaurant Lobbying Association?  What's that about?  Yep, it's gonna take TIME to unravel the trail of origin.  Cain has shown a weakness for sticking to talking points.  I have a hunch he's not the kind of guy who likes to stay up late, fielding hypothetical questions and scenarios from his staffers.  This is Cain's achilles heal.  He comes off as incredibly personable, but suffers from a certain amount of hubris.  Comes with the territory I suppose.  Rick Perry has a comparable amount of hubris, but it's mostly centered around his own ineptitude, stupidity and that Dukes of N*ggerwood, backwoods spunk.    

Mark my words, this thing will DRAG.  That was the real intended consequence.  You would think someone in the press might pick up on this.  That's the question?  How long will it go on?  Well, I'll step up.  I'll set the over/under at 63 days.  Coincidentally, about the same time for the Iowa caucus vote on January 3.  I suspect you'll see something unfold like the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill hearings.  Except it will be played out in the press.  Even better!  And you'll see these women get dragged through the mud.  Anything to smear their credibility and keep the story going.  It won't have anything to do with unresolvable answers.  The entire Cain charge is about the TIME FRAME.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Occupy: Belichick's Ass

Normally, I don't blather on and on about my free ticket/sign endeavors. With one major exception - the sign I took to the Elton John concert...


I'll just let that one speak for itself.  On the heels of the big game today (Steelers/Patriots), I'm taking it in a different direction.  Last night, I went out for the early portion of Halloween.  My costume didn't take much planning.  Just the regular faded jeans and long sleeve t-shirt.  For the prop, the best motto is "keep it simple, stupid."  So naturally, the sign would read... 


Hey, it was Halloween.  So the notion of occupying Bill Belichick's Ass was merely a small step in the evolutionary progression.  We'll see how it works.  I have grander ass-pirations for this one.  The last time I used a sign for the Titans game at Heinz Field, a man walked by.  He glanced in my direction and casually said two words - "Drink Piss."  Needless to say, my reaction was one of pure giddiness.   
Honestly, I think the Steelers are going to have some trouble in the late game.  Aside from the fact, that everyone's injured, I just don't like having to play Belichick off a bye week.  These are the type of games he wins.  Plus, he already lost that shootout on the road in Buffalo a few weeks ago.  

Here's my 4-banger wager of the week.  All 4 are upsets of course.

INDIANAPOLIS (+9.5) at Tennessee
(yeah, I know.  Indy was obliterated by the Saints last week 62-7.  But they always play Tennessee tough.  Spread seems very high.  And Tennessee is looking really erratic.  Colts gotta win at some point, even without Peyton Manning).

Cincinnati at SEATTLE (+3)
rookie qb heading into Qwest Field???  It's way too loud.  Seahwaks are tough at home.  Remember, they were a divisional playoff team last year.

San Diego at KANAS CITY (+3)
Chiefs aren't getting a lot of respect.  I think they'll step up in their prime-time Monday night game at Arrowhead.  Chargers coming off an emotional road loss to the Jets.  Norv Turner... that guy.  That's just not my kind of guy (Frank Costanza).

Detroit at DENVER (+2.5)
Everyone is jumping on the Lions bandwagon.  Let me tell you one universal truth.  The Lions have always sucked on the road.  I suspect they'll lose a close one in the altitude.

Anyhoo, take all 4 upsets.  It pays $10 to win $488.00.  I hate to say it, but if I had to place a bet on the game today, I'd take the Patriots (-3).  But I stopped betting on football years ago.  The more thrilling question...  will the sign yield a freebie?  I believe it will.  The bigger the game, the more I step up "my game."  I say two words - "Game On."  However, it's difficult to top "drink piss."

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Herman Cain can win this whole thing if...

At first I laughed at the prospect of Herman Cain being the Republican nominee.  A black business man with no political experience whatsoever?  You've gotta be kidding me.  Right?


Could a set of circumstances arise where even someone as liberal as me would vote for a hardcore social conservative?


Cain has a rare opportunity to position himself during a unique time in American history.  I have never seen such a variety of grassroots, populist movements.  Whether it be the teabaggers or the occupiers, there's a bigtime backlash against politics, Wall Street and business as usual.  This explains Mitt Romney's weak, frontrunner status.  Cain needs to take greater advantage of this... immediately.

First and foremost, he must say the following (preferably during a New Hampshire Republican debate)...  "All of you political pundits think of this primary as Cain vs. Romney or Cain vs. Perry.  It's NOT.  It's me versus everyone else on this stage.  It's me against "the system."  If you vote for me, you will NOT be getting a regular politician.  But wait, I can PROVE it.

All the other candidates are raising money as fast as they can.  All this does is beholden them to the corporate interests.  Well, compared to all the other Republican contenders and the billion dollar Obama warchest, I am running a different type of race.  If nominated, I'll just accept the 84 million dollars in federal matching funds.  You won't see me at these lavish Hollywood spectacles and big oil fundraisers.  I won't be the "campaigner-in-chief."  I won't be indebted to the lobbyists and the PACS.  I'll do what's right.  And I'll be the guy who's doing the job of being President.  Will any other candidate take that kind of pledge?  Of course they won't.  Because that's how it has always been done in Washington DC.  I'm looking to change that.  If you want the same old shit, vote for one of my opponents.

This has mass potential because you can eventually joke about running against Obama.  The television commercial and advertising ratio would be about 12-1.  The Obama ads will be running ad nauseum.  This makes for great poli-comedy.  Wow, you actually got to see one of Cain's ads instead of the 10-in-a-row all stroking Obama's ego, our savior-in-chief?  This makes for an excellent, condescending attack ad from Cain.   

Secondly.  Make a firm committment.  If elected president, if I can't get this economy "turned around" and "back on track,"  I won't run for another 4 year term.  You have MY WORD.  And trust me, Cain's word is pretty damn good.  Especially against Romney the flip-flopper.  It helps further differentiate him from all the others, even Obama.  And it provides for a helluva pivot into the general election.  And of course, it ain't business as usual.  The country craves something different.  They may not know exactly what, but they know the system is broken.

Thirdly, gently mock all your opponents for hiring consulting companies, pollsters, make-up artists, wardrobe assistants, etc.  With Herman Cain, what you see is what you get.  This would play incredibly well in the current anti-politico environment.  Cain appears very humble, reassuring and comfortable with himself.  Use more of this to deride all the others.  It's gold.  And it destroys Mitt.

And here's a novel idea.  Instead of pushing the 9-9-9 angle, how about this for a slogan.  NO SLOGANS.  Explain to the American public how all these slogans are worthless.  "Yes we can," "hope and change," all that other silliness...  How have all those slogans worked for you through the years?  Once again, I'm a different kind of candidate.   If you want the flashy production with the flags waving and the crowds cheering, I'm probably not the right candidate for you.  Listen, I know I love America.  I don't need to spend hundreds of millions to prove it.  This is good stuff because it rips and shreds and entire Republican field and also makes a mockery of the inevitable Obama campaign.  And Cain will never have much of a warchest, unless you count pizza discounts.  And again, your lack of cash on hand actually becomes a source of strength.

Cain's biggest asset is that he's NOT a politician.  He's a businessman.  Push all the "real world" job experience and emphasize your meager upbringing.  Even cleaning the toilets in a Burger King.  Well, maybe not that far.  It makes Romney, Newt, Perry and Obama look egalitarian and out-of-touch with regular folk.  It's not about carving up the battleground states - it's about winning the country.  It's about establishing an entirely new dynamic and winning all 50 states.  He could say, we've already passed the threshold of electing a black man president.  Now, the time has come to take it one step further and elect an outsider.  People want to hear about a jolt to the whole system.  Not tweaking all the existing problems around the edges.  Once again, this kills Romney with the bean counter approach.

Cain isn't going to raise a significant amount of money regardless.  He can use this to instantly devalue the legitimacy of the entire field and even Obama.  Listen up, I'll leave the raising of money to the RNC.  They don't need me doing these $10,000 photo ops.  Once again, stress the "work ethic" angle.  I'll be the President who's doing the job at hand.

I'm not sure Cain could pull of a win in Iowa.  The Iowa caucuses are tricky and you need to have the infrastructure in place.  All he really needs to do is just place in the top 3 which I think is plausible.  But I do think this strategy would sell in New Hampshire and black, conservative socialism is a winner in South Carolina.  By then, the momentum starts to pick up.  He already won that straw poll in Florida.

If Cain does decide to use a slogan, I strongly encourage him to go with "YOU HAVE MY WORD" - once again, it draws the major distinction between him and "all the others."  And it eliminates the monetary aspect.  Both critical components for a Cain victory.  Cain has a very trustworthy, convincing delivery.  I may not like his specifics, but I don't feel like he's doing anything to deceive me. 

One last thought, I would normally never consider voting for a social extremist like Cain over Obama... unless, I had ample reason to believe he was actually going to change the "way of things."  If Cain can convince the American people it's possible, or at the very least, he'll give it his honest, best shot, I think he can win this whole thing.  But he needs to take my advice.  And do it quickly.

The irony of all this.  The platform is so unconventional but really obvious.  I wonder if Herman Cain has thought of it.  I doubt any campaign staffer or political consultant would suggest it.  It runs in direct contrast to the entire presidential election business model.  One last word of advice for Cain - if you win the Republican nomination, pick Mitt Romney for Veep.  Mitt's the shit!  Other than Al Gore, if there was ever a human being genetically designed to be the vice-president... it's Mitt.  I don't like him, but he'd probably tear up Biden in the debates.

One more thing.  Tone down any religious nonsense and issue an immediate apology regarding the statement that "no Muslim would serve in a Cain cabinet."  And for the embryonic love of humanity, try to soften or at least scale back the extremist pro-life agenda, especially in cases of rape, incest and life of the mother.  It alienates mainstream voters.  Don't flip-flop on your principled stand.  It's okay to be a right wing fanatic, just make sure voters know it won't be the sole focus of your administration to overturn Roe vs. Wade.  Most voters don't mind if YOU are pro-life.  They just don't want to see the country turned upside down over abortion. 

And one more thought - it's okay to stand down a little from the 9-9-9 bit.  Just say that it's "the direction" you wish to see the country heading toward.  You don't want to appear too unflinching on specific economic issues.  On anything race-related, Cain's doing a great job.  Just stick with "race doesn't matter" - I judge people on their merits.  This plays well with Repub primary voters.

Anyway, that's how Herman Cain can become our next president.  Oh yeah, and try to get a credible anti-war Democratic candidate to the left of Obama to enter the race.  Maybe use that million in the bank to start a draft Dennis Kucinich or Bernie Sanders movement.  It might help shave a couple points off Obama.  But honestly, if Cain wants to win (I believe he does), you've got to alter the whole playing field and the established nominating methodology.  As I said, Herman Cain can win this whole thing if... he takes my advice.