Wednesday, November 30, 2011

McDonald's 20-piece chicken mcnugget observations

I noticed that McDonald's has been pushing their 20-piece chicken McNugget extravaganza on the population at-large.  They do this from time to time, just as McRib seemingly goes on some kind of seasonal fast food sabbatical.  The prospect of consuming 20 McNuggets in one sitting is an intriguing one.

I wanted to do some analytical research, so I searched for the latest McCommercial.  I accidentally came across this abomination...

I think this seemed geared toward the Slum Dog Millionaire kids.  If I was an impoverished child living in southern India, this commercial seems like the "party of a lifetime."  If I was the 4th of 9 starving children living in a 2 bedroom apt. surrounded by absolute squalor, what would I realistically dream about?  Probably the 20 piece.  I always wondered if they should have a curry dipping sauce.  I'm not too hip on curry, but how about tandoori dipping sauce?  In Wheeling, WV, we call that spicy buffalo.

I'm getting way off topic.  The purpose of this blog was to invoke the age-old question...  At what point does the law of diminishing marginal returns (utility/satisfaction) enter into the equation when applied to a $4.99 box of 20 Chicken McNuggets?  For those who never took Econ 101, this just means...  at what point during the McConsumption do you begin to feel less satisfied with your crispified, steroid-injected, oblong-shaped (yet somehow miraculously consistent with 5 variations of the word circular) chickified pieces?

First: the customary disclaimer:  I hit the drive-thru in Elm Grove about once every 45 days.  I usually just get 2 of the dollar meal items per trip.  When I think McDonalds... I think of it in terms of "tiding me over."  Eat just enough to satiate my grease craving.  I have never ordered a 20 piece.  I have no such intention.  I doubt I ever will.  I have purchased a 9-piece on 2 or 3 occasions back in the early 1990s.  The shameful truth - with the much heralded 20-piece ringing in at 5 bucks, it just seems outside my comfort zone.  And if I wanted fries, that ups my meal to the $7.00 range.  Purchasing the small fries (now it's just misleadingly labeled medium) is rarely enough.  I think they give you about 23 fries in that lilliputian coffee filter.  I normally don't buy fast food fountain beverages, but if I did, when you add in tax, that's surpassing the $8.00 range.  MY POINT - I just don't feel mentally okay with splurging in the $10 range at McDonald's.  Perhaps if I had a Xanax prescription or some Steubenville oxycontin, it would see me through.

So McSaffy... if you go to McDonald's, what is it that you actually consume?  People who know me are aware of one immutable fact - I have never eaten a Big Mac.  At 41 years of age, isn't it about time?  The answer is an unequivocal no.  I just can't seem to get past the thousand island dressing that's always oozing out the sides.  I've witnessed this happen in real life.  Usually the perpetrator is seated by himself and seems to have an abundance of exposed shoulder hair peaking through his t-shirt.  The t-shirt invariably reads "Allied Waste Management" or "Mr. Bubble - It makes bath time fun!"   Again, I digress.  So what do I actually buy at McDonald's?

For breakfast: Sausage burrito (w/ hot sauce) OR Sausage McMuffin OR Egg McMuffin AND hash brown.
For lunch: McDouble OR 4-piece McNuggets AND medium or large fries.
For dinner: I don't eat at McDonald's after 3pm so it's non-applicable.

And every once in a while I'll buy a caramel sundae.  Sometimes I'll get a kid's meal.  When they ask me if it's a boy or girl, I tell them the question is patently offensive.  "What do you have in the realm of toys for the transgendered?  Is there an LGBT option?  This is West Virginia.  Ya know... I could sue all your McAsses."

So if you've you've journeyed this far in the blogging experience, I feel compelled to answer the earlier question I posed about the 20-piece chicken consortium.  At what point does one grow weary during the brightly-lit dining experience?  When does it become McCumbersome?  After being bombarded by that electronic cash register's incessant, piercing, synthetic noise in the background, when do you look down at the burnt sienna tray of gruel and mutter "Ugghhh, I've had enough."  After all, isn't that what America is really about?  It's easily the best question for a prime time Republican debate:

Ron Paul - thinks every American should have the freedom to buy chicken on an individual McNugget basis (25 cents per nug).

Newt Gingrich - refuses to acknowledge that he ever lobbied for the fast food industry.  He just gave speeches about how tasty their products are (from a historical perspective, of course).  Newt's favorite item would likely be the discontinued Arch Deluxe.

Herman Cain - showered the McDonald's female regional manager with compliments and offered to broaden her horizons.  He lavished her with meals at Chick-Fil-A and a tour of Tyson chicken farm in Arkansas or wherever.

Rick Santorum - fights for the lives and dignity of all chickens.  Abhors the concept of using embryonic chicken cells. 

Mitt Romney - flip flops between McNuggets and McChicken sandwiches.  Finally has taken a stand on drummies after years of preferring "double boners" aka "the flatties."  (jbdczr - just wondering if you still read my nonsense - hope you're enjoying you're Florida vacation).

Jon Huntsman - nobody cares about this traitor.  Might as well be the ambassador to Burger King.

Michelle Bachmann - has the same bold opinion on any chicken-related topic... "I want to make Barack Obama a one-term president." 

Rick Perry - can't seem to get his fowl straight.  He's heard of chicken and quail but can't seem to remember the last one (ooops... it's pheasant).  But he does have great admiration for the Dick Cheney hunting experience.   

Chris Christie - if he were in the race, I believe his magic number would be 24.  Had to snag an extra 6-piece.

Sarah Palin - as a fox News analyst, she'd chime in how wonderful all the answers were.  They all have one thing in common.  They all gave better answers than our current president or anyone from his failed administration.

SAF - so you've reached the end of my early morning blogging experience.  I couldn't get back to sleep.  The answer you seek... drum roll please................. 8.  After digesting the eighth blessed McNugget, I would be impacted by the laws of diminishing marginal satisfaction.  So for me, the 20-piece was never really an option.  Happy to weigh in though.

On an unrelated note... I made a new thug-inspired double sonofcd.  The last one (sonofsucka/sonofshiznit) was very well received.  This new compilation is titled sonofcisco/sonofsticky-icky.  Just ask for it by name.


Larry C said...

I'm not saying I would not like the taste of McNuggets, or any fast food in general, but I just don't have any desire to eat any of it. It's like I was hypnotized and I don't even know those places are there. I don't eat super healthy, but I figure if I'm going to take in that many calories I may as well do it eating something I really like. I will do Subway on occasion and I've been known to get coffee at a drive through now and then if that counts as fast food.

Anonymous said...

Ugh...Larry...Subway smells funny...I think it is their bread. Gag me.
Good for you for not eating fast food.
Eric, you are successful in making me really think about this food...and just when I got a BOOKLET of free Mickey D's (Ds') coupons!
The McNuggets do seem to have only 4 or 5 different shapes.
Anyhoo...excited about the cd's.

Anonymous said...

My boys say Subway smells weird too. I love he way it smells, personally. SAF, you may want to package up some of your Sonof CD's for the Christmas party gift thing!