Saturday, October 30, 2010

Sarah Palin in Wheeling, WV/Tea Party rally at the Heritage Port

This afternoon I was checking out the Wheeling UnIntelligencer website and the "Breaking News" scrolled across the screen...


Needless to say, I quickly finished my Halloween costume (a Dolph Santorine name tag that says "Hello, my name is Dolph") and rushed out the door. It said the rally would start at 3:30 and here it was already 3:45pm. I made it downtown in 5 minutes flat. Fortunately, it had just begun. So here are my "unbiased" observations...

I parked in the United Bank lot and walked down. Lots of "Raese for Governor" and just as many "Manchin = Obama" signs littered the walkway. Plenty of vendors selling buttons and t-shirts. Most of the stuff was par for the course. Lots of red, white and blue. Let's get further immersed in stars and stripes. Plenty of abstract themes about freedom, liberty and less government. A few people had flags that read "Don't tread on me." And of course, there was the typical anti-Pelosi/Reid/Obama material as well. Who could have fathomed that one? I'll give the Tea Party credit for one thing - they don't vary much from their talking points. They have a mission statement and they stick to it.

I'd estimate the crowd at about 280 (and that could be a little generous). Considering that the weather was decent (pleasant and around 50 degrees), I'm surprised more people weren't in attendance. Then again, 4pm was rapidly approaching. I'll surmise that most of the crowd was en route to Mehlman's Cafeteria for the dinner rush. The crowd was OLD and WHITE. I did see one black man with a black trench coat and a long braided pony tail who was rather conspicuous. Plenty of people waving American flags and saluting anything in their collective peripheral vision.

What I found surprising was the lack of security. The crowd was calm, orderly and remained seated. Nonetheless, there will only 3 local city cops at the top of the steps. Considering how much this crowd loves their guns, I wondered if anyone at the Heritage Port was armed. I'm guessing maybe a few had concealed weapons. Maybe not. I could have made quite a big splash with my anti Sarah Palin sign. You know, the one that says...


4,000 YEARS OLD?


Seriously, I should have brought it but wasn't in the mood to take in all the hostility. In retrospect, I really should have brought the sign. CNN and Fox were both there and it probably would have caused a commotion. Plus, there were several other signs and much larger flags in the audience. I could have stood off to the side with my elevated sign. In retrospect, I think I'm just growing more cautious with age. In further retrospect, I suck. Honestly, why would I be so lame? And for Satan's sake, it's Halloween!

Anyway, the leader of rally - a local, large housewife initiated the Pledge of Allegiance. The crowd dutifully responded in unison. She introduced John Raese and he was warmly received. He didn't have much to say. Then, all of a sudden, they introduced our knight in shining Armour - or queen of Spam if you prefer... SARAH PALIN! The crowd erupted. Well, "erupted" is a bit strong. Think of the level of excitement that would ensue if they announced 50% off stool softener at a Methodist church bingo.

Sarah looked pretty sharp in her dark leather get-up. She blabbed for about 5 minutes about how much she loves coal, West Virginia and country music. And of course how much she loves freedom, liberty and the constitution. Not much substance with either refrain. Just the typical cheerleading that has cemented her in the hearts of bible belters who love that American Idolesque enthusiasm. Hey, just because you're some old, encrusted bean counting honky from Oakmont or Barrington, doesn't mean you don't get a piece of the action. This afternoon Halloween party's for you!

Anyway, she concluded with standard "God Bless you! God Bless DiCarlo's Pizza! God Bless West Virginia! And of course, God Bless America! As an atheist Jew, it's much harder for me to get ramped up. Then, she was swarmed for about 8 minutes by people seeking autographs. Keep in mind, these were the younger people who didn't have walkers or weren't confined to wheelchairs. Anyway, some other guy got up and started again with the anti Nancy Pelosi/Harry Reid rhetoric. God damn, I hope Harry Reid wins on Tuesday. I think he will. I'm not a big fan. Personally, I'd prefer a Senate Majority leader with at least some kind of attitude (maybe a damp kitchen rag would suffice). But for the love of Allah... Sharon Angle is a right wing lunatic. At least she's an idiot right winger and not a Newt Gingrich intellectual. I guess that bodes well for her demise.

Anyway, I came to see the human I hate the most on the planet earth and was successful. I sometimes wonder who is a more dangerous character - Palin or Ahmedinajad? Palin or Robert Mugabe? Palin or Ayman Al-Zawahiri? I'm not joking. The latter are all villains but their capability to inflict immense damage is for the most part, neutralized. Hating her just comes so naturally. Seriously, how can anyone pass on the opportunity to see that finely tuned, shrill Alaskan section of discarded labia.

And I've got bad news for all the tea baggers that showed up for this rally on the muddy banks of the Ohio River...
Aside from the fact that you can suck my dick, Harry Reid will win & Manchin's gonna win too. And I have a strange hunch that Sestak is going to beat Toomey in PA. I can't wait for the election returns on Tuesday night. Republicans will win the House, but there's no way in hell they'll win the Senate. Perhaps some constructive gridlock will be beneficial for the country. But honestly, I doubt it. This country is fucked up. Neither party can save it nor wants to save it. All they want is the notion of control. You'd think I was a diehard liberal. Not really, but compared to that Earl Grey Tea Bagging rally.... YOU BETCHA!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Maury Povich "intern" program

To claim I have issues with the existence of Maury Povich would be a vast understatement.

Incidentally, I love the diverse ethnic mix of interns who hover around Maury in the footage. Should they have used a Pakistani with a turban? Perhaps a Jew with a yarmulke would have been sufficient.

So what's with this insatiable quest for interns? Just how many staffers does Maury Pukich need for his idiot show? And what function could they possibly serve? Other than the brunette woman in her late 30's who brings the babies on stage to adequately celebrate positive paternity outcomes... Actually, I like this woman with the non-speaking role. I dream of the day when she walks out onstage with a giant jar of Hellman's mayonnaise. Maury pipes out, "Bring out the Hellman's!" And the crowd fires back in unison, "Bring out the best!"

But seriously, why the endless demand for so many interns? To get Maury's dry cleaning. Maybe give blow-jobs to security personnel? Fetch the lie-detector administrator a scone? Prep the crowd with weird sounding "booooo" noises?

But again, here's the million dollar question - Why would the producers waste precious advertising time with these never-ending appeals for college interns? Well, I have the real answer. The truth is - they're not really searching for interns. What they really want is a letter of "accreditation" from the college or university. Check this out - it's from Maury's website...

Students selected MUST be able to receive college credit for the internship. *Please note that the student will need to submit a letter from their college or university on official college letterhead to the internship supervisor at The Maury Show prior to the internship start date stating that the college or university is aware that the student is undertaking the internship and that the institution agrees to award academic credits upon successful completion of the internship.

So what's the problem here Saf? They want these kids to receive the allotted educational credit for participating in the valuable intern program. WRONG. If you believe this, you're a complete fucking idiot. My best guess is that they're abusing or possibly in cahoots with some back door government program sponsored by the Department of Education. If a producer from the show could prove that there is an overwhelming demand for interns and be able to substantiate this with a flood of paperwork from hundreds of different institutions of higher learning, I'm sure that some form of government funding comes rolling in. It must serve to "legitimize" their bullshit programming in some misguided layer of bureaucracy. Honestly, can anyone give me a better explanation why they'd run that same ad beckoning for interns everyday?

My other hunch is that it could be a simple way to funnel marketing information. If you're searching for the most gullible and naive segment of the population, I'd generally look to a Maury/Springer based audience. To be blunt, this really isn't programming for the most discerning viewer. That's why they have those incrediby lame polling questions? Maury says, "Call me and tell me what you think! You'll also hear incredible offers and special promotions! So call Maury, now!" This is nothing more than the acquisition of straight-up telemarketing info. It reminds me of the booths at county fairs that "give away" a trip to the Bahamas or a brand new car. Hey douchebag, just fill out the entry form. You could win the grand prize. Or well, at the very least, you'll get a call on Monday at 9:03am from some guy named Singh in Hyderabad, India.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Westboro review from Wheeling, WV

Always an advocate for some of the more extreme elements of free speech, I felt compelled to go down to the Woodsdale/Fulton exit in Wheeling yesterday afternoon. The Westboro Baptist churchies were back. This was a different crew though. They only had one child with them, 6 adults and a somewhat attractive brunette girl in her late 20's. They were supposed to be at Wheeling Jesuit University, but opted for the much busier intersection by Perkins Restaurant.

There were 2 cops who stood diligently across the road as well as some younger counter-protesters. Three of them were from Columbus, Ohio and had decided to follow them to Dayton and then backtrack to Wheeling. They offered everyone an absurd amount of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (disgusting) and a smorgasbord of homemade cookies (much better). I had one of the raisin oatmeal ones. Above average. They carried some scribbled signs that read "Jesus Loves Westboro" and "God loves you" (predictably weak and beyond lame). I've seen better artwork from most second graders. Nice kids though.

As a collector of oddities and unusual propaganda, it was my intention to secure one of their signs for my household. Seriously, what a great conversation starter. I suppose I could just make a replica, but that's quite the pathetic effort. Instead, I had hoped to get a teenager on a bike to steal one of them for me. Maybe pay him $20-$40 for it later at a nearby undisclosed location. I spoke with some of the anti-protesters and they suggested I simply just ask them for a sign. They claimed they wouldn't accept cash but might simply relinquish a sign if they thought it would further their cause.

So as the protest wound down, they headed for their Blue Ford Econoline Van (different than what they drove last time - an old Plymouth Voyager). I approached them on the sidewalk...

"Hey you guys, I know this might sound like an unusual request, but I was wondering if I could have one of your signs... you know, if you have any extra."

No repsonse

"Uhhh yeah, I'm just fascinated with freedom of speech issues and if you could find it in your heart. I'm sure you have some extra in the van. I'm willing to take anything you got."

Still no response as they walked briskly toward the back of the lot. They all seemed programmed to automatically ignore my request.

"Hey uhhh, I know it's a little out of the ordinary but I'd be deeply appreciative. Seriously, I'd even be willing to pay for your lunch or something.

Their blatant indifference was starting to get on my nerves. These morons were just singing up a storm and telling everyone they're going to hell and this and that, but they seemed vehemently opposed to any other form of discourse, even just simple small talk.

Now I'm disturbed. Finally, I say, "What's wrong with you people. Can't you even respond? Do you lack the ability to form a verbal response.

Finally, the leader/driver (male in his 40's) grunts, "NO! We need the signs for the tour!"

I quip back, "Alright, thanks for nothing you idiots. Was that so hard? Like it's a matter of life or death that you can't speak. Idiots."

They just ignored me and jumped in the van and rolled onto "their next gig on the tour" at Trinity High School in Washington, PA. A bunch of college age kids were left walking around the Perkins lot. They kind of resembled zombies on this overcast, dreary day. All in all, I'd have to say I was very disappointed. There was hardly any interaction with motorists. Out of 25 minutes, I'd say only 7 or 8 cars honked their horns. One guy in a truck yelled "Fuck You" and I saw a girl in a Nissan give them the finger. But other than those isolated reactions, the citizens of Wheeling pretty much pretended that nothing was even happening. Talk about lifeless. How much effort does it take to roll down the window, and tell them to "eat shit and die" or "go fuck their mother" or something. Am I really asking to much?

That speaks to the overall complacency of Wheelingites. The vast majority have no balls, testicular fortitude, ovaries or even slightly elevated estrogen levels. They seem content to sit on their front porch, incessantly smoke cheap cigarettes and most important, no talking under any circumstances. Unless it's a critical discussion about a coupon for 10 cents off ranch dressing. That savings of a dime will really come in handy on that oversized $3.99 bottle. And considering the urgency among locals to overdress their iceberg lettuce to the point where the fucking salad starts to resemble the Puget Sound...

All in all, no sign was obtained and the whole excursion ranked extremely low on the entertainment factor. Last time they came was vastly superior. I'm curious to see how the U.S. Supreme Court rules on their right to protest. I'll be shocked if they don't get a unanimous ruling in their favor. Maybe Scalia and Roberts vote no. My prediction - Westboro Baptist Church wins either 9-0, 8-1 or at the worst 7-2. What a conundrum... I despise, detest, loathe and have trememndous animosity for religious dumbshits but I completely stand behind them and embrace their 1st Amendment rights.

Monday, October 04, 2010

Ravens/sign/bum/parking ticket

So yeah, the big Steelers game was yesterday. If I was going to get a free ticket, I knew I'd have to come up with a strong sign. My original idea for a sign regarding Ravens kicker BILLY CUNDIFF would have have a little cardboard flap over the "D" - thus when you flip it up it turns into BILLY CUNTIFF. As strong as I thought it was, I don't think it would have helped much with the quest for a freebie.

Then on Friday afternoon I was in the shower and I had a revelation. I made a sign that said...


I was at Oglebayfest all day Saturday so I was a bit under the weather Sunday morning. But armed with my ghetto sign and three water bottles containing the drink of excitement, I cruised up to the stadium solo. I parked on West North Ave on the North Shore next to a church. Hooked up with a bunch of the revelers who were rocking it out across from PNC Park. Got to utilize one of the nicest semi-public restrooms in the bar at the Marriott. Discovering this place was a urinary gift from above. Kind of like god administering a golden shower of sorts.

We started our trek to the stadium at noon. As expected, very few extra tickets were floating around. At 12:20pm I stood up on the bench outside the main entrance and held up my sign. Within 3-4 minutes, an older man looked at me and said, "Are you really going to honor that commitment?" He flashed the "coveted golden ticket" in his outstretched hand. I gave him a slightly suspicious look, "Are you serious?" Then he hands me the ticket as I began to celebrate. I handed him a bunch of Steelers key chains and thanked him profusely. Fuckin' A. That was too easy. I knew there's always a few people that eat tickets but I figured they'd be the suite level arrogant fucks with unlimited cash to burn - any of that sound familiar??? This seat was section 510 Row P. I decided to try for another ticket since I had set my own personal over/under at 2 tickets. Nobody else would bite, but I was very content. Seriously, a freebie ticket for a high profile game like this. On the way in, I heard a dimwitted man say he'd be willing to pay $250 for a single. What a douche.

Anyway, I'm still standing on the bench just after kickoff and this quasi-homeless black man with dreads starts yelling at me. "Get down from there! I need to sit down!" Then this asshole starts grabbing at my leg. And this particular bench was a little wobbly. I yell back, "Get your fucking hands off me!" All of a sudden, a cop shows up and summons me over. I explain to him that this weirdo freakfuck started grabbing at me. "I don't care if he's some weirdo. He can't go around fucking with people like this." The cop just smiled half-heartedly and said, "Hey man, you gotta just let it go." I figured - oh well, might as well just head in. I look back at the asshole and he's smiling at me, mumbling to himself, sitting on the bench. Apparently, Scottie and Schneid had witnessed the whole altercation from the 5th level railing. They seemed to enjoy the floor show. I'm still a little pissed off but considering my plan for a free Steelers ticket worked perfectly, I suppose I'll chalk it up to "taking one for the team."

Of course, we lost a heartbreaker. When I get back to the car there's a parking ticket on my windshield for $120.00. Keep in mind, there was no meter, no yellow line, no fire hydrant, no nothing. In fact there was no warning anywhere. On the ticket it reads...

1 Hour Parking
No Visitor Pass

Well, when I got to Gig's house she explained that it was parking for the church. What the fuck is that even supposed to mean? Visitor pass??? What if my atheist Jew ass needs more than an hour to adequately pray, repent or spiritually suck god's cock. Honestly though, I did notice that the curb was about half the height of a regular curb. I suppose this is for people in wheelchairs to have easier access to the house of worship. Fuck them. I will not pay this ticket. Complete bullshit. If I ever have future issues, I'll just say I never got it. Maybe it blew off the windshield. I almost never park up there anyway. Total fucking bullshit. As long as they can't issue a misdemeanor warrant, I'll be alright. On the ticket , it just gets upped to $158 if you don't pay it in a month, it does say they can put an immobilization boot on my car. To that I say, fuck da police!

Steelers 14
Ravens 17

And for all you Baltimore fans, here's a quote from Edgar Allen Saf - "Fuck da Ravens!"
Fun time though.