Saturday, October 18, 2008

Nail City

Well, last night I revisited one of the absolute worst restaurants in Wheeling. I'm not even sure what this place is called. Some call it Nail City. Some call it Nail Shitty. Others refer to it as River City. And some even invoke the name River Shitty. For purposes of this blog, I will call it Nail City. It was about 2 years since I last stepped foot in Nail City. The cuisine lies somewhere between the spectrum of disgusting grub and atrocious gruel. I met up with my friend Eric, his girlfriend Kerri and a motley crew of 7 others. Manboy lovechild would make a late appearance and sit at the head of the table, reminiscent of Borat when he was king of the castle. His claim that he wanted to avoid looking directly at the dumpster was a bit mendacious. I suspect he wanted to scan the periphery for any female presence. A wise choice but perhaps somewhat misguided. Do you really want to hook up with anyone who voluntarily choose to dine at Nail City?
Anyway, I neglected to bring either of them a tangible birthday gift, so I opted to impart the gift of knowledge. I composed a brief list of "why it's a bad idea to eat at Nail City." I read it aloud before the meal arrived.

1) The food sucks.
2) The owner (assuming it's still the same guy) is an asshole.
3) It's opening night for the minor league Wheeling Naile hockey team. Thus, it's the equivalent of pedophile night. These hockey players are worshipped by borderline pre-pubescent girls. I have a strong hunch that many a Nailer has taken advantage of this misguided idolatry.
4) They have a mechanical bull. To be blunt, this would be much better suited for a gay bar. "Ride it! You go, girlfriend!"
5) Fake Wheeling thugs which often frequent the place are a total source of embarrasment. For Christ sake, it's Wheeling, not Compton. And you don't look like a threatening menace. You look like a dumbfuck.
6) The place is always too loud, but more importantly, the place is too dumb. Thus, it makes you feel dumb.
7) I once ordered a gin & tonic and the bartender gave me a gin & pepsi. Truly disgusting. It took us a a while to figure out what it was.

I could continue, but you get the gist. Anyhoo, I hadn't planned on eating but decided what the hell. Plus, I was hungry. Scanning the menu for something safe and edible would be a challenge, but I was game. I decided on an order of mozzerella sticks and a side Caeser salad. I mean, how can you fuck that up? But then I thought, well, that's pretty much the cost of a meal - so why not just go for it. I hesitantly chose the following. Cajum shrimp skewers on a bed of rice pilaf with waxed beans and a side Caesar salad. I also ordred a Miller Lite and a Dewars on the rocks. Let me first say, that my expectations were incredibly low . Therefore, if I actually got served and was able to consume food, it would have been a definite plus. And let me make another thing clear, I would NEVER verbally complain to the waitress about the service or the food. I made a conscious decision to eat at this fucked up place. No one held a gun to my head. I questioned Eric as to why they would choose to celebrate their birthday at Nail City. His response, "You get half off and they give you some free brownie dessert concoction." Alright, I guess that makes sense. It kind of reminded me of the days where he would whip out this enormous Eagle 107.5 coupon book. It was like the holy bible of ill-fated bargains. You had to get your tires balanced while getting a haircut. Or you had to get a colonoscopy while they give you a manicure. Just some really odd deals in general.
I'm not quite sure what everyone ordered, but they messed up 4 out of the 9 orders. As I previously stated, I'd never complain. It's not as though it's going to help anyone. The place will continue to steadily suck regardless of any outside input or advice (kind of like the Bush administration).
Here's what was worng with my meal. The Miller Lite was luke cold. The scotch was fine, but it wasn't Dewars. I think it was that Drambuie stuff. But at least it was scotch. I ordered shrimp skewers, but there was only one skewer with 4 shrimp. The shrimp were ok. Nothing spectacular - lightly grilled and immersed in cajun seasoning. The rice pilaf, although plentiful, was unusually bland. But then again, it was indeed rice. So they got that right. They didn't even bring me the side of wax beans, but that was ok. I knew they'd probably omit something. The Caesar side salad was actually edible and they did bring the dressing on the side. The bowl it came in was kind of warm. Mmmm, right out of the dishwasher. Nice! I should have requested the dressing on the side even though it came that way. You've got figure, this is the kind of place where the chef, errr uhhh, I mean cook, thinks he's doing you a favor if he uses an entire bottle of salad dressing. "Mmmmm, the dressing makes it taste better, ya moe-ron. What are you, stupid? That's where the flavor is!"
My bill came to $25 and change and I left $32. Manboy lovechild was even kind enough to break a $20 for me. Why not just use a credit card? Are you fucking kidding me? At this place? They'd probably take my Visa, walk over to the adult bookstore and use it buy porn. Not even the good stuff. Probably midget anal.

1 comment:

The Dub said...

River Shitty is horrible. I refuse to step foot in that place. I think that the only reason they stay in business is the Wednesday All-You-Can-Eat King Crab legs. But if you eat too much, they kick you out. Bastards.