#363. Bob

 Take a wild guess as to who used to be a principle owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates.   

Bing Crosby!  The famous singer and Hollywood actor was part-owner of the Pirates from 1946 until his death in 1977.  Yep, he owned a whopping 1% of the team.  And lest ye forget, during that time frame they won two World Series.

Nowadays, the key to success is primarily a function of Bob Nutting garden gnomes, amusing perogi nicknames (pronounced per-oh-HE!), and not losing in excess of 100 games.  Last year, in the shortened Covid season, they finished dead last (19-41) in their division... as well as dead last in the league.  Suffice it to say, the Buccos are dead.

Well, I have a plan to resurrect them.  It's grounded in the Big Bing Theory.  All that is Bing.  CMU physics night featuring Dr. Sheldon Cooper.  Sopranos night starring strip club owner Silvio Dante and the Bing dancers.  And Bing search engine night (Google go fuck yourself).

Most important, we exhume the casket of Bing Crosby and display it on the Riverwalk.

Bob
sonofsaf

Billion dollar man’s so heartfelt, so heartfelt looks like an elf
Like an elf he could be gay Keebler cookie bullshit to believe
He’s the one all knowing and shows the one percent is not that poor
The crush asphyxiation Keebler cookie bullshit to believe

Billion dollar’s the way instead
It’s his Mister Baseball con
I gave him many lectures Keebler cookie bullshit to believe
Embraced me fiscally, but in no way radically
Oh, the consternation Keebler cookie bullshit to believe

Billion dollar man’s so heartfelt, so heartfelt looks like an elf
Like an elf he could be gay Keebler cookie bullshit to believe
Rock, he is delightful; Oh, the people’s elbow will
Me, a stampede attack Keebler cookie bullshit to believe

Bob
Primus

I had a friend that took a belt, took a belt and hung himself
Hung himself in the doorway of the apartment where he lived
His woman and his little bro came home from the grocery store
Only to find him dangling in the apartment where he lived

I had a friend who shaved his head
Put his Doctor Martins on
And drew such wondrous pictures in the apartment where he lived
He praised my creativity, though he spoke sarcastically
Oh, the conversations in the apartment where he lived

I had a friend that took a belt, took a belt and hung himself
Hung himself in the doorway of the apartment where he lived
Rock, she thought him spiteful; Ler, he thought him pitiful
Me, I've never been back to the apartment where he lived

Confession:  This particular parody turned out a bit "offensively creepy" and "morbidly esoteric."  But what can you do?  I just write the damn things.

Primus:

7-21-93, Star Lake Amphitheater, Burgettstown, PA (Lollapalooza)

3-14-98, Wynona's Big Brown Beaver Dome, Monaca, PA

6-22-99, Star Lake Amphitheater, Burgettstown, PA (Lollapalooza)

5-22-12, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

4-14-15, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

7-30-17, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

11-2-17, Goodyear Theatre, Akron, OH

6-8-18, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

Please do not share this material with Pittsburgh Pirates owner Bob Nutting and/or any descendents of the late Bing Crosby.