Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I'll be the first to admit it. I enjoy reading status updates on facebook. I like the brief descriptions of encapsulated thoughts of others. Of course I have a few complaints. And here we go...

At this moment (6:41am) I am drinking a cup of coffee. If I were to share this with others via facebook, perhaps I would describe the type of coffee I'm drinking which happens to be Archer Farms Costa Rican Tarrazu purchased from Target. It's a milder roast. Doesn't that provoke a little more scrutiny than, "Saf loves his morning coffee. Mmmmm." Maybe you could offer a quality ranking on a scale of 1-10. My point - if it's your intention to share this information (which should be construed as marginally weak), then why not embrace it a bit more fully. An identical argument could be made for discussing dinner plans. Instead of "Saf is hungry and can't wait to eat dinner. Yummmm." How about "Saf's ravenous appetite will be squelched by a large plate of shrimp scampi." Alright, maybe you don't need to utilize these flowery descriptions, but I think the point is clear.

How about the "dumbing down" of facebook? This is particularly upsetting since it takes a while longer to download the page because of all these endless quizzes and "illusory" items that get sent. I have this one friend - a nice guy but I barely know him. He enjoys sending people nonexistent perishable food items using a "Meet me at the diner" application. This gets pretty annoying. You get all the updates. He'll send a fictitious blueberry muffin to Diana or a tray of mythical hash browns to Chris. I realize I'm a cynic, but how does anyone derive pleasure or satisfaction from this? And he does it on a consistent basis. What a great way to start the week. A fake poached egg from an internet nerd in upstate New York! I guess I could click off the enable button but I don't have good luck trying to moderate these things.

I've also tired of all the amusing quizzes. Which U.S. President are you? I'm fucking James Polk. Yes, I'd like to fuck James Polk. You're Rutherford B. Hayes. And there's an endless description of the Teapot Dome scandal or the devious manner in which you purchased Louisiana from the French. Does anyone actually read these thoroughly uninspiring robotic messages? I'd hate to be the person who writes them - talk about regurgitated, tedious bullshit.

Or how about "Name my 5 favorite sports teams" - Steelers, Steelers, Steelers, Mountaineers, Steelers. Ohhh, how creative! Now I get it. You must be the biggest Pittsburgh Steelers fan EVER. LMAO. Can you fathom what it says about a person if they saw someone write that and then chose to make the same exact comment, but using Cowboys, Cowboys, Cowboys, Lakers, Cowboys. In all likelihood, this is someone I'd never want to meet. Oddly enough, out of my 103 alleged "friends" - probably 8 of them would do this. And another thing, I have 5 friends of whom I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE. What on earth possesses people to click off the friend box if you've never even spoken to the person? I guess it's the anonymity of the internet that emboldens the normally cautious late night/online soccer mom.

Saf, if you have all these problems with facebook, why do you check it several times a day? Honestly, I don't have a decent answer. Maybe I've capitulated to the mindless nature of it all. Maybe today I'll go find out which Pearl Jam song I am. It had better be "Faithful." Honestly, I can easily do without the twitter/myspace bullshit and have never investigated the friendster crap, but there is a slight allure to seeing what's going on with everyone. And I will admit, I enjoy knowing when so and so got engaged or had a baby. I'm less interested in knowing someone's grade on a nursing exam.

Olga lost 3 lbs. in 12 days! Hooray!
Saf "likes this" - of course Saf likes this... her morbid obesity was offensive to most local residents.

Erin hasn't smoked a cigarette in 14 hours.
Saf "likes this" - of course I like this... Your breath stunk when you were babbling incessantly about American Idol.

Kari is drinking Buttery Nipples and Sex on the Beaches!
Saf feels growing animosity and seething pangs of contempt.

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