Sunday, January 23, 2011

Steelers fans

Nothing annoys me more than a specific segment of Heinz Field today. I'd estimate the number of "fans" at about 2,500. Let me describe these people in detail.

They haven't been to a pre-season or regular season game all year.

They spend exorbitant sums of money on tickets. Usually at least $300 per ticket purchased online, probably more.

They couldn't name a single offensive or defensive lineman. Their heroes are always the same - Roethlisberger, Hines Ward and Troy Polamalu. They forget about Heath Miller until he makes a catch - then they croon "Heeeaaattthhh" or yell around to everybody in earshot, "It's Miller Time!"

They purchase absurd amounts of overpriced Steelers gear at the game. And they usually buy tons of official merchandise for their kids. They don't own a Terrible Towel, but they'll quickly purchase one for $10.00, even though they always cost $5.00.

They usually hang out at Jerome Bettis Grill before the game and complain about the service. They know it's going to be packed, but it's essential that they be there to watch the Bears/Packers game. In their mind, it's simply the place to be.

They have no idea where to park. They usually try to park in one of the reserved gold lots and argue with the cop who's trying to direct traffic.

At some point while walking to the stadium, they will attempt to intercept a football being thrown by some random kids in one of the lots. But they'll drop it.

They'll immediately find the Primanti Brothers in the great hall. They'll get a cheesesteak and an Iron City beer. Then, they'll complain that it's not as good as the one in the Strip. Also, having never attended a sporting event, they'll complain about the high cost of draft beer.

They'll immediately try to befriend everyone in the seats around them. Usually, they will discuss the cold weather or how they are #1 Steelers fans.

They see a scalper with a sign that says "BUYING/SELLING TICKETS" and they'll ask him, "Well, which is it? Are you buying or are you selling?" And they often waste a scalper's time asking pointless questions even though they have absolutely zero interest.

They'll get overly anxious when caught up in the traffic leaving Heinz Field. And they'll complain about the new traffic sign - Yes, 279 is now 376.

If we win, they'll proudly exit the stadium yelling, "Here we go Steelers, Here we go!" or singing, "Pittsburgh's goin' to the Superbowl!"

I can't stand these people.


sonofsaf said...

I forgot to mention. They know one fact about the game today and are quick to share it with anyone who will listen. It goes like this...

"Well, the Jets beat us last time because Polomalu wasn't playing."

sonofsaf said...

And one more telling characteristic. These people have absolutely no understanding of the fundamentals of gambling. If it's a big upset they'll always say, "Ohhhh, the bookies really made out on this game! There's a lot of people in Vegas that are hurtin' The fix was in."

Once and for all, most bookies make a standard 10% off all bets. Whoever wins is completely IRRELEVANT. The only way a bookie loses is if the wager is a PUSH (when you hit the exact number of the spread) and they have to return all money that was wagered. You would not believe the number of people who are unaware of this. For the love of Steely Fuckin' McBeam aka Steely McFaggot - It's called gambling 101.