Saturday, June 05, 2010

chain smoking baby

By now everyone has seen the 18 month old Indonesian baby who chain smokes.

There are tons of videos of this kid circulating all over the internet. He truly has captivated our imagination. I like how the non-judgmental father sits in the background with a relatively stoic expression. All the other villagers seem content and have the same "business as usual" look about them. In many ways, it mirrors what I see happening at bars in the Ohio Valley. Everyone sits in these smoking rooms and they huff... and they puff... and they feed their social security checks into the vidiot machines. There's just this remarkable similarity in the "casual zombified" approach to life.

What I find intriguing are the internet feedback comments. Most people seem downright horrified. Many want to prosecute the father for child abuse. Some are content to just vilify. Others suggest it's a money making publicity stunt. I'll admit one thing - it definitely put that Sumatran village on the map. The last time I remember this kind of notoriety was when the tsunami hit. Good thing he was born after the floody floody. No amount of steadfast chain smoking devotion could have stood against the multiple waves of fury.

As usual, I'm looking for an interesting sociological experiment. So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going over to Wheeling Jesuit and print out a voluminous stack of pictures of chain smoking internet baby. Incidentally, I like how the kid doesn't have a first or last name. He's simply referred to as "the internet chain smoking baby sensation." I also like the fact that he seems morbidly obese for a toddler. I think every country should have one of these poster childs. For some reason, I think ours should hail from Mississippi. But I'd be willing to settle for South Carolina. We could parade him around the Darlington Nascar race like that humanoid dude in the box - the armless, legless wonder from Metallica's "One" video.

Back to the experiment. I'm going to print out a shitload of pictures of this kid and tack them up on the walls of the smoking/gambling rooms. Rest assured, there will be sufficient outrage. I'd love to be a fly on the wall. You can bet your ass there will be some 67 year old hag who looks at the picture in disgust. Her name is Stella. As Stella voraciously consumes her cancer stick (just like the baby), she presses the vidiot buttons and cries out for the image of a cherry or some kind of fucking starfruit. I'd relish the condemnation as she unknowingly mimics the baby's behavior. Incidentally, I really like how the kid knows how to use an existing cigarette to light a future one (aka "jumpstarting"). I also enjoy his innate ability to exhale in the form of smoke rings. This kid's bad ass. He really does need a name though. How about "Newport?" Seriously, we should call the kid "Newport." I wonder if he smokes Menthols, lights or regulars. I'm curious if he can ascertain the subtle differences.

I should put out a disclaimer here. I smoked Marlboro Lights for about 10 years (basically 1990 to 2000). And I'm insanely critical of those who choose to smoke. But I've chosen to embrace the hypocrisy with unbridled enthusiasm (like the person in Elaine's manuscript when they fumigated Jerry's apt). I didn't lead a healthy existence during that decade, but I'm making strides in the last one and hopefully the next.

In a weird way, I kinda think those smoking/gambling "parlors" are a good thing. First, you isolate all the smokers and vidiot players in single location. This way they can lounge around in a plume filled room and rapidly exhaust their finances and collectively embrace a shortened life span. It really has revolutionized the concept of second hand smoke. IGT (International Gaming Technology) makes about 80% of the vidiot machines. They'd be wise to partner up with Altria (formerly known as Phillip Morris) or one of the other tobacco companies. Its a great target market for small scale advertising and promotion.

Just an aside, if you're going to smoke yourself to death, just don't smoke Camels or Camel Lights. This particular brand smells absolutely disgusting. And the filters are really flimsy and seem to absorb the acrid nicotine stench into your fingers. Even the digital penetration of a pungent vaginal orifice is no match. The worst is when some dumbshit chains one down in under a minute. Then, feels the need to go into close-talking mode and complain about how Obama is bowing down to the leader of Taiwan or wherever. This brand of douchebaggery must never go unnoticed. I'll end with another Safism here...

If you're gonna smoke, do yourself and everyone else a favor, smoke Marlboro lights.

If you're low on cash, stick with generic equivalent - Basic Lights. I assume they still make Basic Lights. I always liked the name. You should NEVER feel the least bit embarrassed to ask the cashier, "Hey, can I get a pack of Basic Lights?" It just sounds cool and it helps to mitigate my heightened level of disgust.


Anonymous said...

Did I tell you I have retired my clothing pin and quite almost 2 months ago? Yippee!! D.B.V.

Larry said...

I was in Kroger the other night and the guy behind me in line (of course everyone has to stand too close and hump your leg like the Night at the Roxbury guys when standing behind you in line) had the stench of smoker breath so bad I would've welcomed a fart at that moment in time. I also overheard him say "BOTH baby mommas are mad at me." After hearing that, smelling the breath, and getting dry humped in line, had I turned around to see what the guy looked like it may have resulted in a grand slam total assault of the senses.

I'd take your social experiment to the Franciscan University of Steubenville being they're in love with fetuses. See what they think of smoking babies.

Anonymous said...

Sumatran smoking baby is the closest thing there is to a God. He crushes Chocolate Rain kid. As for Obama girl??? I'd like to see smoking baby take two lit cigarettes and simultaneously ram them into her boob implants.