2020 Correspondence Analysis

So… 2020, eh?  Not to steal a line from NWA’s original gangsta Eazy-E.  And this might come as a pleasant surprise.  But I am entirely down with OPP!  After all, the OPP (Orange Presidential Prolapse) finally got something right.  A couple of months ago when describing the Covid pandemic, he stumblingly muttered, “Hey, it is what it is.”  And believe it or not, the red rectum was correct.  Or as Fonzi would exclaim… Correctamundo! (coincidentally pronounced kuh-rectum-undo).  

Libel Disclaimer: Not to be confused with the Undo’s in Benwood or anything deemed “presidential anal.”  And yeah, I know that OPP was from Naughty By Nature.  I mean, I’m not a fucking idiot.  Capiche?

So let’s just agree that 2020 was… uh, well… it was what it was.

Alright, here’s the dealio.  At the end of 2019, I made a New Years resolution to do something out of the ordinary.  My idea was to write 365 letters and send them out via the United States Postal Service.  That’s 365 physical letters to people from my past.  Family, friends, K-12, college, and even a few people I dislike and/or barely know.  I’d say about 75% of the recipients came directly off my facebook friends list.  This is important to note.  Because I did make a concerted effort to avoid using that particular list as a crutch.

Anyway, I figured what the hell.  Turning 50 has a certain half-century panache.  So why not step out of my literary comfort zone?

I could have kept an accurate response tally and broke down the percentages.  But I just didn’t feel like going the extra mile.  After all, writing that shit every day was kind of a pain in the ass.  Hey, each letter was a minimum of 4 pages long and took me on average about 40 minutes to write, reasonably proofread, print out, and pitch in the mailbox.  Each letter was, for the most, unique to the individual.  I mean… sometimes I’d ramble on about Trump or Covid or the weather.  But for the most part, I tried to veer away from the daily news and political scene.  It was my desire to evoke more faded memories and shared experiences, silly observations, you get the drift, blah.  Sometimes it clicked.  Sometimes it didn’t.  Whatever.  In the end, it was a worthwhile experience as it helped me grow into the compassionate human being and upstanding citizen you’ve all come to know and love.  Yada-yada-yada… and all that crap.  (obligatory dry heave).

My biggest regret.  I should have used the “make your own stamp” website thing.  Could have made a stamp out of my AGSAF logo.  Even though the website’s temporarily offline.  Don’t ask.

Another regret was failing to explain exactly HOW I obtained everyone’s mailing address (fastpeoplesearch.com).  Probably should have mentioned it in the cover letter.  You know, to help avoid the likelihood of being deemed a creeper/stalker.

Seriously though, many of the responses were heartfelt and very much appreciated.  As I was saying, I shoulda kept more precise tabs on this whole thing.  I could sift through it all but I’m just not feelin’ it today.  

In a nutshell, out of 365 unique letters, close to half of all recipients responded in one form or another.  The other half didn’t.

I’d say about 120 responded via facebook messaging, email, or text message.  As I really don’t care much for lengthy phone conversations, I chose not to include my phone number.  You gotta realize that I’ve had zero contact with some of these people for 30 to 40 years.  Those letters tended to be far more expressive as they focused on very specific, distinct childhood memories.

About 40 people replied with actual physical letters.  Some of them very poignant.  And on a few occasions, even a gift of some sort.  Merry Fuckin’ Hanukkah Mother Fuckers!

About 30 or so came back as undeliverable.  And required additional physical address research.  But in the end, all of them reached a destination of some sort.  Even if it was trash can, recycling bin or welcoming chiminea.

Naturally, one individual near the end was left emotionally traumatized.  As my letter obviously violated the sanctity of her marriage, and to a lesser extent, her mailbox.  Letter #359!  Truth be told, I should have known better.  Some people just aren’t mentally capable of dealing with the slightest external stimuli.  You know who you are.  May I humbly suggest avoiding any future attempt of portraying yourself as a rock’n’roll star.  Whoops, too late.

In the cover letter, I offered up a challenge for each recipient to commence a letter writing campaign of their own.  While I doubt anybody took the bait and committed themselves to an entire years worth of dedicated, daily correspondence, many did remark how they intend to pen more letters in the future.  But in the end, it’s impossible to fully gauge the impact.  Yet the whole idea did lend itself to a certain “conversational spark.”  Yeah, that fucking douchebag Saf sent me some nonsensical, rambling bullshit.  Felt obliged to read it though.  What an assclown!  So I think it’s safe to say that it did have some sort of impact.  Particularly in a small town like Wheeling.  Wheeling residents accounted for about half of the literary load, or as Trump would say, “massive mail dump.”

So… what’s in store for 2021?  Good question!

The answer is song parodies.  365 to be precise!  Starting tomorrow...

Book VIII

Never Forget Losing

Prologue:

Cum all ye hateful!  Deck the balls with fists of fury!  

Gather round the triple X-mess tree and sing these refurbished Beatles classics.  This collection of free NFL karaoke parodies will surely bring infinite yuletide joy to yinz and yours.  And don't call me surly.

Periodic Table of Wanton Elements: (table of contents)

1.  Younghoe Koo Chee (Hello Goodbye)

2.  Derek Carr (Drive My Car)

3.  Eric Saferstein (Yellow Submarine)

4.  I Am The Butt Kiss (I Am The Walrus)

5.  Symptomatic Of (All You Need Is Love)

6.  Goodell (Michelle)

7.  Playoffs (Blackbird)

8.  Super Bowl (Yesterday)

9.  Tennessee (Let It Be)

10.  Lawrence Taylor (Come Together)

11.  Hey Jeud (Hey Jude)

Encore #1:  Queer Football Fantasy (Dear Mr. Fantasy)

Encore #2:  Asymmetric Warfare (Octopus’s Garden)

 

1.  Younghoe Koo Chee (Hello Goodbye)

You say Koo, I say Chee
You say fuck and I say me, me, me, oh no
You say Koo Chee and I say Younghoe
Younghoe Younghoe
I don't know why you say Koo Chee, I say Younghoe
Younghoe Younghoe
I don't know why you say Koo Chee, I say Younghoe

I say egg, you say roll
You say rock and I say you got Seoul, oh no
You say egg roll and I say Younghoe
(Younghoe egg roll Younghoe egg roll) Younghoe Younghoe
(Younghoe egg roll) I don't know why you say egg roll, I say Younghoe
(Younghoe egg roll Younghoe egg roll) Younghoe Younghoe
(Younghoe egg roll) I don't know why you say egg roll
(Younghoe egg roll) I say Younghoe

Why why why why why do you say coochie coochie, oh no?

You say coochie and I say Younghoe
Younghoe Younghoe
I don't know why you say coochie, I say Younghoe
Younghoe Younghoe
I don't know why you say coochie, I say Younghoe

You say Young (I say Young) I say Hoe (But I may mean hoe)
You say fuck (I can fuck) but I say ho, ho, ho (You're a fucking hoe),
Oh no
You say Koo Chee but I say Younghoe
(Younghoe Koo Chee Younghoe Koo Chee) Younghoe Younghoe
(Younghoe Koo Chee Younghoe Koo Chee) I don't know why you say Koo Chee, I say Younghoe
Younghoe Younghoe
(Younghoe Koo Chee Younghoe Koo Chee) I don't know why you say Koo Chee, I say Younghoe
Younghoe Younghoe
I don't know why you say Koo Chee, I say Younghoe whoa
Younghoe

Hela heba helloa
Hela heba helloa, cha cha cha
Hela heba helloa, wooo
Hela heba helloa, hela
Hela heba helloa, cha cha cha
Hela heba helloa,

I don’t know why you say Koo Chee, I say Younghoe, whoa
Younghoe

Dedicated to DaeHo Suk.  Straight outta L.A.  Smoke up, produce, and shit this shit out.

Meta-tags: Younghoe Koo, Atlanta Falcons, NFL, coochie, rock and roll, egg roll, Seoul, Hello, Goodbye, Shalom, intercourse

Hello Goodbye (Paul McCartney, 10-29-02, America West Arena, Phoenix, AZ)

You say yes, I say no
You say stop and I say go go go, oh no
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello

I say high, you say low
You say why and I say I don't know, oh no
You say goodbye and I say hello
(Hello goodbye hello goodbye) Hello hello
(Hello goodbye) I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
(Hello goodbye hello goodbye) Hello hello
(Hello goodbye) I don't know why you say goodbye
(Hello goodbye) I say hello

Why why why why why why do you say goodbye goodbye, oh no?

You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello

You say yes (I say yes) I say no (But I may mean no)
You say stop (I can stay) and I say go go go (Till it's time to go), oh
Oh no
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello hello

Hela heba helloa
Hela heba helloa, cha cha cha
Hela heba helloa, wooo
Hela heba helloa, hela
Hela heba helloa, cha cha cha
Hela heba helloa,

I don’t know why you say goodbye I say hello, whoa
Hello

2.  Derek Carr (Drive My Car)

Asked myself, who I want at QB
Even though, he’s got a bum knee
I wanna nice anus, his crack is so clean
Best piece of ass, that you’ve ever seen

Hey you should start Derek Carr
Yeah, he likes to throw it far
Hey you should start Derek Carr
Butt maybe he’ll fuck you

I touched myself and I got morning wood
And Carr said up my ass, as it should
Taking it anal, is not the worst crime
Butt I’ll show you how to sodomize

Hey you should start Derek Carr
Yeah, he likes to throw it far
Hey you should start Derek Carr
Butt maybe he’ll fuck you

Deep deep’m deep deep yeah

Hey you should start Derek Carr
Yeah, he likes to throw it far
Hey you should start Derek Carr
Butt maybe he’ll fuck you

I told myself, Super Bowl is today
And Carr said, listen up, my ass all the way
I got some gas, I’m afraid I might fart
And I need a shitter before I shart

Hey you should start Derek Carr
Yeah, he likes to throw it far
Hey you should start Derek Carr
Butt maybe he’ll fuck you

Deep deep’m deep deep yeah
Deep deep’m deep deep yeah
Deep deep’m deep deep yeah
Deep deep’m deep deep yeah

Dedicated to Killer and the clown carnival of vehicular egomaniacs.

Meta-tags: Derek Carr, Las Vegas Raiders, NFL, ass, morning wood, anal, sodomy, Super Bowl, flatulence, excretion

Drive My Car (Paul McCartney, 7-21-09, Citi Field, New York City, NY)

Asked a girl what she wanted to be
She said, "baby, can't you see
I want to be famous, a star on the screen
But you can do something in between

Baby, you can drive my car
Yes, I'm gonna be a star
Baby, you can drive my car
And maybe I'll love you"

I told a girl that my prospects were good
And she said, "baby, it's understood
Working for peanuts is all very fine
But I can show you a better time

Baby, you can drive my car
Yes, I'm gonna be a star
Baby, you can drive my car
And maybe I'll love you"

Beep beep'm beep beep yeah

Baby, you can drive my car
Yes, I'm gonna be a star
Baby, you can drive my car
And maybe I'll love you

I told a girl I can start right away
And she said, "listen, babe, I got something to say
I got no car and it's breaking my heart
But I've found a driver and that's a start

Baby, you can drive my car
Yes, I'm gonna be a star
Baby, you can drive my car
And maybe I'll love you"

Beep beep'm beep beep yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah

3.  Eric Saferstein (Yellow Submarine)

I was born into a threat
Stadium security
And I post shit on the net
By the name of Saferstein
So they censored with a ban
I.S.P. was really mean
Oh the lives he tried to save
Goes by Eric Saferstein

The NFL hates Eric Saferstein
Eric Saferstein, Eric Saferstein
The NFL hates Eric Saferstein
Eric Saferstein, Eric Saferstein

And the government’s a whore
When they knocked on my front door
FBI heard what they say

The NFL hates Eric Saferstein
Eric Saferstein, Eric Saferstein
The NFL hates Eric Saferstein
Eric Saferstein, Eric Saferstein

(We want him dead Mr. Heckman, he’s a deadhead
He’s a deadhead he is, Agent
Fire mountain, fire mountain
Aye, aye, sir, fire
Fuck him, fuck him)

I still speak and say my peace
The Pittsburgh cops (the Pittsburgh cops), they all agree (and steal my weed)
DHS (DHS) and secret team (secret team)
They want Eric (they want Eric) Saferstein (Saferstein ha ha)

The NFL hates Eric Saferstein
Eric Saferstein, Eric Saferstein
The NFL hates Eric Saferstein
Eric Saferstein, Eric Saferstein
The NFL hates Eric Saferstein
Eric Saferstein, Eric Saferstein
The NFL hates Eric Saferstein
Eric Saferstein, Eric Saferstein

Dedicated to the person playing the part of Eric Saferstein… me!  (Alice Cooper outro)

Meta-tags: asymmetric warfare, artificially generated stampede, dominipede, viral blitzkrieg, cybersecurity, public safety, NFL stadiums, wireless contamination, emergency evacuation protocol, plausible deniability, hypothetical litigation, lose-lose propositions, paradox, catch-22, local police, Secret Service, FBI, DHS, multi-billionaire sports team owners, legislative, executive, and judicial branches of government.

Yellow Submarine (The Beatles, official video)

In the town where I was born
Lived a man who sailed to sea
And he told us of his life
In the land of submarines
So we sailed up to the sun
'Til we found a sea of green
And we lived beneath the waves
In our yellow submarine

We all live in a yellow submarine
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine

And our friends are all aboard
Many more of them live next door
And the band begins to play

We all live in a yellow submarine
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine

(Full speed ahead Mr. Parker, full speed ahead
Full speed ahead it is, Sergeant
Action station, action station
Aye, aye, sir, fire
Captain, captain)

As we live a life of ease
Everyone of us has all we need (has all we need)
Sky of blue (sky of blue) and sea of green (and sea of green)
In our yellow submarine (in our yellow, submarine, ha ha)

We all live in a yellow submarine
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine
We all live in a yellow submarine
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine

4.  I Am the Butt Kiss (I Am The Walrus)

I am ass and you have gas that you shall pass.
A football’s made of leather
See how it’s done a whole lotta fun
See how they shit
I’m shite-ing

Farting on a toilet
Waiting for the crap to come   
Extraverted butthole, super dirty rectum
Hey why do you jump for joy   
You got your asshole out

They are the offense
We are the defense
I am the Butt Kiss
Boo boo b’boob

Fister shitty ass man shitting
Hammer, sickle used for a dildo
See how they shit, like pumpkin in the pie, see how it’s done       
I'm shite-ing, I’m shite-ing
I'm shite-ing

Fecal matter retard
Choating for a marble rye
Motherfucker crab cake, meaty curtain cunt flaps
Hey why do you jump for joy, you let your prolapse out.
They are the offense
We are the defense
I am the butt kiss
Boo boo b’boob

Throbbing with a homo hard on.
Waiting for a cunt
If the cunt don’t cum, you is a man
From eating all the pussy out

They are the offense
We are the defense
I am the butt kiss
Boo boo, b’boob, boo boo b’boob

Texting sexting tweeting suckers
Don't you think the tweeter tweets at you (ho ho ho, tweet tweet tweet, twat twat twat)
Time to defile, rape porn for a mile, see how they cried
I'm shite-ing

Urinary blizzard
Hoping for a golden shower
Hella New Vrindaban, shitting diarrhea
Man, you never even called me Edgar Allan Coe

They are the offense
We are the defense
I am the butt kiss
Boo boo boo b’boob, Boo boo boo b’boob
Boo boo b’boob, boo boo boo b’boob, boo
boob, boob, boobie
Booba, booba, booba
boob, booba
boob, booba

Dedicated to all the ATM machines worldwide.  Withdrawal fees, dispensing cash, tossing salads, etc.

Meta-tags: Dick Butkus, Chicago Bears, NFL, ass, inflammatory bowel disease, defecation, offense, defense, fisting, dildo, Mabel Choate, marble rye, crab cakes, meat curtains, cunt, twitter, golden shower, Hare Krishna, diarrhea, Edgar Allan Coe

I am the Walrus (Oasis, Columbiahalle, Berlin, Germany 2002)

I am he as you are he as you are me.
And we are all together.
See how they run like pigs from a gun.
See how they fly.
I'm crying

Sitting on a corn flake
Waiting for the van to come.        
Corporation T-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday     
Man you've been a naughty boy   
You let your face grow long

I am the egg man
They are the egg men
I am the walrus
Goo goo g'joob

Mister City policeman sitting
Pretty little policemen in a row   
See how they fly like Lucy in the sky, see how they run       
I'm crying, I'm crying
I'm crying, I'm crying

Yellow matter custard
Dripping from a dead dog's eye
Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess
Boy, you've been a naughty girl, you let your knickers down    Hey,
I am the egg man
They are the egg men
I am the walrus
Goo goo g’noob

Sitting in an English garden
Waiting for the sun
If the sun don't come you get a tan.
From standing in the English rain

I am the egg man (now good sir)
They are the egg men (a poor man, made tame to fortune's blows)
I am the walrus
Goo goo g'joob, goo goo goo g'joob (good pity)

Expert, texpert choking smokers
Don't you think the joker laughs at you (ho ho ho, hee hee hee, hah hah hah)
See how they smile like pigs in a sty, see how they snide
I'm crying

Semolina Pilchard
Climbing up the Eiffel tower
Elementary penguin singing Hare Krishna.
Man, you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allen Poe

I am the egg man
They are the egg men
I am the walrus
Goo goo g'joob, goo goo goo g'joob
Goo goo g'joob, goo goo goo g'joob, goo
Joob, joob, goober
Jooba, jooba, jooba
Joob, jooba
Joob, jooba

5.  Symptomatic Of (All You Need Is Love)

Kuh Roe Nuh
Kuh Roe Nuh
Kuh Roe Nuh

The virus in the air is not much fun
Virus you can Trump but can’t be Trumped
Virus here to stay, but you can play the game of mask shame
He’s needy

Virus you can fake but can’t be faked   
Trump is a cunt that needs to be shaved
Virus here for you, but you contact trace all the fuckin’ time
He’s sleazy

Symptomatic of
Symptomatic of
Symptomatic of, of
Covid’s all you see

Symptomatic of
Symptomatic of
Symptomatic of, of
Covid’s all you see

The virus in the air, is on your phone
Trump is a twat that makes you groan
The virus here for you, Trump should issue apology
He’s greedy

Symptomatic of
Symptomatic of
Symptomatic of, of
Covid’s all you see

Symptomatic of (hey now anyhow)
Symptomatic of (anybody)
Symptomatic of, of
Covid’s all you need
Covid’s all you need
(Covid’s all you need)
Covid’s all you need
(Covid’s all you need)
Covid’s all you need
(Covid’s all you need)
Covid’s all you need
(Covid’s all you need)
Covid’s all you need
(Covid’s all you need)
Covid’s all you need
(Covid’s all you need)
Covid’s all you need
(Covid’s all you need)
Covid’s all you need
(Covid’s all you need)
Covid’s all you need
(Covid’s all you need)
Covid’s all you need
(Covid’s all you need)
Covid’s all you need
(Covid’s all you need)
(Covid’s all you need)
(Covid’s all you need)
(Covid’s all you need)
Yesterday
(Covid’s all you need)
Oh
(Covid’s all you need)
(Covid’s all you need)
Oh yeah
(Covid’s all you need)
(It kills you, yeah, yeah, yeah)
(It kills you, yeah, yeah, yeah)
(Covid’s all you need)
(Covid’s all you need)

 

Dedicated to mankind.  To all those physically and emotionally impacted by the Covid-19 pandemic.

Meta-tags: Trump, coronavirus, mask shaming, fake news, shaved cunt, twat, contact tracing, death

All You Need Is Love  

(Paul McCartney, Joe Cocker, Eric Clapton, Rod Stewart, 6-3-03, Buckingham Palace, London, England)

Love, love, love
Love, love, love
Love, love, love

There's nothing you can do that can't be done
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung
Nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy

Nothing you can make that can't be made
No one you can save that can't be saved
Nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

There's nothing you can know that isn't known
Nothing you can see that isn't shown
There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be
It's easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need
Love is all you need
(Love is all you need)
Love is all you need
(Love is all you need)
Love is all you need
(Love is all you need)
Love is all you need
(Love is all you need)
Love is all you need
(Love is all you need)
Love is all you need
(Love is all you need)
Love is all you need
(Love is all you need)
Love is all you need
(Love is all you need)
Love is all you need
(Love is all you need)
Love is all you need
(Love is all you need)
Love is all you need
(Love is all you need)
(Love is all you need)
(Love is all you need)
(Love is all you need)
Yesterday
(Love is all you need)
Oh
Love is all you need
Love is all you need
Oh yeah
Love is all you need
(She love you, yeah, yeah, yeah)
(She love you, yeah, yeah, yeah)
(Love is all you need)
(Love is all you need)

6.  Goodell (Michelle)

Roger, Goodell
Fuck the owners too all go to hell
My Goodell
Roger, Goodell
Va te faire foutre go fuck yourself
Go fuck yourself
So fuck you, so fuck you, so fuck you
Even though you’re gay
Here’s what I have to say
You will suck my morning wood I know that you’ll use your hand

Roger, Goodell
Va te faire foutre go fuck yourself
Go fuck yourself
I’ll feed you, I’ll feed you, I’ll feed you
I’ll let you shit on me
Or puke and piss on me
Until fuck you, I'm soaping up my ass for your cream
Yo, fuck you!

I’ll suck you, I’ll suck you, I’ll suck you
Why don’t you blow me now
How now me now brown cow
Until fuck you, I’m telling you to talk to the hand
Roger, Goodell
Va te faire foutre go fuck yourself
Go fuck yourself
And if you suck my morning wood, I know that you'll use your hand
My Goodell

Dedicated to the greater good.  Hell, all good things…

Meta-tags: Roger Goodell, NFL, fucking, gay, fellatio, scat, vomit, anal, sucking, rounded vowel sounds

Michelle (Paul McCartney, White House, Washington, DC, June 2, 2010)

Michelle, ma belle
These are words that go together well
My Michelle
Michelle, ma belle
Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble
Tres bien ensemble
I love you, I love you, I love you
That's all I want to say
Until I find a way
I will say the only words I know that you'll understand

Michelle, ma belle
Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble
Tres bien ensemble
I need to, I need to, I need to
I need to make you see
Oh, what you mean to me
Until I do, I'm hoping you will know what I mean
I love you

I want you, I want you, I want you
I think you know by now
I'll get to you somehow
Until I do, I'm telling you so you'll understand
Michelle, ma belle
Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble
Tres bien ensemble
And I will say the only words I know that you'll understand
My Michelle

7.  Playoffs? (Blackbird)

Playoff football and the time is right
Screw your broken bones and don’t ask why
Do not cry
You’re now ankle spraining down your hamstring and your thigh

Playoff football and the time is right
Tear apart your groin so you can’t pee
Do not cry
You’re now handicapping having blown out your own knee

Playoff try, playoff try
Bottle of wine and a dark brown shite

Playoff try, playoff try
Bottle of wine and a dark brown shite

Playoff football and the time is right
Screw your broken bones and don’t ask why
Do not cry
You’re now ankle spraining down your hamstring and your thigh
You’re now ankle spraining down your hamstring and your thigh
You’re now ankle spraining down your hamstring and your thigh

Dedicated to Jim Mora and all those who inevitably fail.  And anyone who gets injured.  Your misery and pain is our pleasure.

Meta-tags: Jim Mora, Indianápolis Colts, NFL, playoff football, broken bones, leg injuries, pulled groin, pain, urine, red wine, darkened excrement

Blackbird (Paul McCartney, 6-26-04, Glastonbury Music Festival, Pilton, Somerset, England)

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of a dark black night

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of a dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

8.  Super Bowl (Yesterday)

Super Bowl in a city that is not so cold
All the advertising’s very bold
Oh, sell your soul for Super Bowl

On Sunday, is the day that you’re supposed to play
You'll be fucked up well into Monday
Oh, Super Bowl is on Sunday

Is Goo-dell homo?
Maybe so, he wants corn-holed
Likes to suck a dong
It ain’t wrong on Super Bowl

Super Bowl, the NFL has complete control
Now it’s time to go and smoke a bowl
Oh, I’m so high for Super Bowl

Is Goo-dell homo?
Maybe so, he wants corn-holed
Likes to suck a dong
It ain’t wrong on Super Bowl

Super Bowl, the NFL has complete control
Now it’s time to go and smoke a bowl
Oh, I’m so high for Super Bowl

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

Dedicated to anyone who calls in sick and pukes in a toilet bowl… the day after the Super Bowl.

Meta-tags: Super Bowl, NFL, warm weather destination, tv ratings, Roger Goodell, corn-holing, fellatio, gay, marijuana 

Yesterday (The Beatles, 1965, Studio Live, New York City, NY)

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go?
I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday

Yesterday love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go?
I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday

Yesterday love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

9.  Tennessee (Let It Be)

When I find myself about to tackle, Derrick Henry tramples me
Daniels jacked the system, Tennessee
And since we're alcoholics, we are drinking bottles of whiskey
Daniels jacked the system, Tennessee
Tennessee, Tennessee
Tennessee, Tennessee
Lynchburg’s a tradition
Tennessee

And when the billion dollar owners, driven by a world of greed
You will be hungover, Tennessee.
And though you have cum-farted, there is still your ass, from which you’ll pee
You will be hungover, Tennessee

AFC, AFC
AFC, AFC        
Yeah, you will have your ass heard
AFC
AFC, AFC
AFC, AFC

Lynchburg’s a tradition
Tennessee

Tennessee
Tennessee, Tennessee
Yeah Tennessee
Lynchburg’s a tradition
Tennessee

And when the fans get rowdy, there are hurled chunks thrown up on me
Puke again in sorrow, Tennessee
I wake up to the stench of vomit, Derrick Henry’s fucking me
Daniels jacked the system, Tennessee

Tennessee, Tennessee
Tennessee, yeah, Tennessee
You will be hungover, Tennessee
Tennessee, Tennessee
Tennessee, yeah Tennessee
You will be hungover, Tennessee
Tennessee, Tennessee
Tennessee, yeah, Tennessee
Lynchburg’s a tradition
Tennessee

Dedicated to Jed.  When you get back you better butter my bread.

Meta-tags: Tennessee Titans, NFL, AFC, Derrick Henry, Jack Daniels, Lynchburg, greed, hangovers, diarrhea, vomit, intercourse

Let It Be (Billy Joel & Paul McCartney, 7-18-08, Shea Stadium, Queens, New York)

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be        
Yeah, there will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

10.  Lawrence Taylor (Come Together)

Hit me
Hit me
Hit me
Hit me

Here alcoholic
He come gin and juice slow mo
He got ganga goo ball
He one doobie roller
He got cocaine for a fee
Got to be a smoker
And freebase on his knees

Hit me
Hit me
Hit me
Hit me

Go get your shine box
He got papers papers
He got marijuana
He snort crack uh coke uh
He say I blow, you blow me
Crack cocaine I tell you it
Ain’t never for free
Lawrence Taylor, and more
Blow for me

Hit me
Hit me
Hit me

He big seduction
He got bears and gummi
He got oxycodone
He one football sacker
He buy from you for a small fee
Primus bootlegs to share
Sailing the seven seas
Lawrence Taylor, and more
Blow for me

Left
Hit me
Dumb

He got dirty toaster
He got bubble hockey
He got foosball table
He one super bowler
If you wanna ride, ride the white horse
Gonna have a big schlong
Cause of course he's a horse
Lawrence Taylor, and more
Blow for me

Hit me
Hit me
Hit me

Uh
Lawrence Taylor, yeah
Lawrence Taylor, yeah
Lawrence Taylor, yeah
Lawrence Taylor, yeah
Lawrence Taylor, yeah
Lawrence Taylor, yeah
Lawrence Taylor, yeah

Lawrence Taylor, yeah
Lawrence Taylor, yeah

 

Dedicated to Tony Soprano and the executive game… “Sir Lawrence from the Meadowlands.”

Meta-tags: Lawrence Taylor, New York Giants, NFL, gin & juice, ganga goo ball, marijuana, cocaine, shine box, papers x2, gummy bears, oxycodone, Primus, Super Chexx II, Tornado Cyclone II, Laid Back, Mister Ed  

Come Together (John Lennon, 1969, Madison Square Garden, New York City, NY)

Shoot me
Shoot me
Shoot me
Shoot me

Here come old flat top
He come groovin' up slowly
He got ju-ju eyeball
He one holy roller
He got hair down to his knee
Got to be a joker
He just do what he please

Shoot me
Shoot me
Shoot me
Shoot me

He wear no shoeshine   
He got toe jam football   
He got monkey finger
He shoot Coca-Cola
He say I know you, you know me
One thing I can tell you is
You got to be free   
Come together, right now
Over me

Shoot me
Shoot me
Shoot me

He bag production
He got walrus gumboot
He got Ono sideboard
He one spinal cracker
He got feet down below his knee
Hold you in his armchair
You can feel his disease
Come together, right now
Over me

Shoot me
Right
Come, come, come, come, come

He roller coaster
He got early warning
He got muddy water
He one mojo filter
He say one and one and one is three
Got to be good looking
'Cause he's so hard to see
Come together right now
Over me

Shoot me
Shoot me
Shoot me

Uh
Come together, yeah
Come together, yeah
Come together, yeah
Come together, yeah
Come together, yeah
Come together, yeah
Come together, yeah
Uh
Come together, yeah
Come together, yeah

11.  Hey Jeud (Hey Jude)

Hey Jeud, why aren’t you glad?
Take a bong hit a real go-getter
Dismember, and cut up all of their parts
They’ll have no arms, no legs forever

Hey Jeud, why are you sad?
Cannibal stew, menu and order
The liver, chianti and fava beans
A victim of Hannibal Lechter

And anytime you feel weight gain
Hey Jeud, abstain
Don’t eat the rump roast or brisket shoulder
For well you know that it’s the ass
Which passes gas
By spewing a foul distinctive odor

Na na na na, na na na na

Hey Jeud, don’t bring me down
Jeff Lynne told you, now E.L.O. her
Dismember, and cut off all of her parts
Then you can baste with stick of butter

So let’s stay in and have some din
Hey Jeud dig in
I’ll bring the fruit salad with Granny Smith
And don't you know that it’s just food
Hey number two
Bowel movement you had was on your shitter

Na na na na, na na na na

Hey Jeud, why aren’t you glad?
Take a bong hit a real go-getter
Dismember, and cut off all of her parts
Then you can baste with stick of butter
Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, Yeah!

Blah, blah, blah-blah-blah, blah
Blah-blah-blah, blah
Hey Jeud, oh, Jeud
Blah, blah, blah, blah-blah-blah, blah
Blah-blah-blah, blah
Hey Jeud, oh, Jeud
You’ll carve it, Jeud
Blah, blah, blah, blah-blah-blah, blah
Oh, hey Jeud
Blah, blah, blah, blah-blah-blah, blah
Blah-blah-blah, blah
Eat it, Jeud
Yeah, yeah
Blah, blah, blah, blah-blah-blah, blah
Eat it, Jeudy, Jeud
Blah-blah-blah, blah
Hey Jeud
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Blah-blah-blah, blah
Oh, yeah
Blah-blah-blah, blah, blah
Oh yeah, Jeud
Carve it for me
Blah, blah, blah, blah-blah-blah, blah
Blah-blah-blah, oh yeah
Oh, ooh-ooh-ooh

Jeud
Blah, blah, blah, blah-blah-blah, blah
Blah-blah-blah, blah
Hey Jeud
Blah, blah, blah, blah-blah-blah, blah, oh-oh
Blah-blah-blah, blah
Hey Jeud, Jeud, Jeud
Blah, blah, blah, blah-blah-blah, blah
Hey Jeud, Jeud, Jeud
Blah, blah, blah, blah-blah-blah, blah
Carve it, Jeud, carve it
Oh, oh, oh, whoa
Blah, da-da, ad, la-di-di-da
Oh, whoa, whoa
Blah, blah, blah

Blah, blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah

Dedicated to all those who’ve been Jewed and screwed.

Meta-tags: Jerry Jeudy, Denver Broncos, NFL, wide receiver, cannibalism, The Silence of the Lambs, obesity, meat, flatulence, Jeff Lynne, Electric Light Orchestra, butter, apples, bowel movement

Hey Jude (Paul McCartney, 6-27-10, Hard Rock Calling, Hyde Park, London, England)

Hey Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better

Oh-oh-oh, and anytime you feel the pain
Hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool
Who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

Na

Hey Jude, don't let me down
She has found you, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
Better, better, better

So let it out and let it in
Hey Jude, begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you
Hey Jude, you'll do
The movement you need is on your shoulder
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, mm

Hey Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
The minute you let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
Better, better, better, better, better, whoa, yeah!

Na, na, na-na-na, na

Na-na-na, na
Hey Jude, oh, Jude
Na, na, na, na-na-na, na
Na-na-na, na
Hey Jude, oh, Jude
You'll make it, Jude
Na, na, na, na-na-na, na
Oh, hey Jude
Na, na, na, na-na-na, na
Na-na-na, na
Sing it, Jude
Yeah, yeah
Na, na, na, na-na-na, na
Sing it, Judey-Jude
Na-na-na, na
Hey Jude
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Na-na-na, na
Oh, yeah
Na-na-na, na, na
Oh yeah, Jude
Sing it to me
Na, na, na, na-na-na, na
Na-na-na, oh yeah
Oh, ooh-ooh-ooh

 

Jude
Na, na, na, na-na-na, na
Na-na-na, na
Hey Jude
Na, na, na, na-na-na, na, oh-oh
Na-na-na, na
Hey Jude, Jude, Jude
Na, na, na, na-na-na, na
Sing it, Jude, sing it
Oh, oh, oh, whoa
Na, da-da, ah, la-di-di-da
Oh, whoa, whoa
Na, na, na

 

Na, na, na-na, na-na-na, na

12.  Queer Football Fantasy (Dear Mr. Fantasy)

Queer Football Fantasy, big butt buffoon
tap that ass when it ain’t crappy
A tampon string pulls it out of the cooch
Suck a dong, ass to mouth
Happy pappy

He is the one and they all call him Saf
So listen up, you’ll freak out in fear
Please don’t be mad, when there’s a stampede to be had
We didn’t know shit the past 10 years

Dedicated to the Big Wheeling Buzz Saw (inspiration and co-writing credit)

Meta-tags: Fantasy football, NFL, ass, tampon string, vagina, penis, ATM, happy pappy (obscure Seinfeld reference), Saf, panic, human stampedes, feigned ignorance, obstruction of humanity

Dear Mr. Fantasy (Grateful Dead, 7-2-89, Sullivan Stadium, Foxboro, MA)

Dear Mister Fantasy play us a tune
Something to make us all happy
Do anything take us out of this gloom
Sing a song, play guitar
Make it snappy

You are the one who can make us all laugh
But doing that you break out in tears
Please don't be sad if it was a straight mind you had
We wouldn't have known you all these years

13.  Asymmetric Warfare (Octopus's Garden)

I’d like to live inside a cave
With my asymmetric warfare unafraid
I’ll fill you in, say what I’ve seen
‘Bout my asymmetric warfare unafraid
I’d tell my friends and rant with glee
‘Bout asymmetric warfare for free
I’d like to live inside a cave
With my asymmetric warfare unafraid

You’ll not conform maintain the norm
With the big ‘ol stadiums I tried to save
Trampling your head, until your dead
With my asymmetric warfare so depraved

They will run and flee the grounds
Because they don’t feel safe and sound
I’d like to live inside a cave
With my asymmetric warfare unafraid

They will shout wanna git out
The innocent lives I tried to save
(Lives that never could be saved)
Cell phone toy for everyone enjoy
Twitter and facebook marked them safe
(Facebook marked them safe)
I’ll be called a terrorist you’ll see
No one cares because I am a Jew

I’d like to live inside a cave
With my asymmetric warfare fuck you
With my asymmetric warfare fuck you
With my asymmetric warfare fuck you

Dedicated to those who were killed and injured in a preventable black swan.

Meta-tag: undiscussable

Octopus’s Garden (Ringo Starr & The Roundheads, 6-24-05,  Genesee Theatre, Waukegan, IL)

I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden in the shade
He'd let us in, knows where we've been
In his octopus' garden in the shade
I'd ask my friends to come and see
An octopus' garden with me
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden in the shade

We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus' garden near a cave

We would sing and dance around
Because we know we can't be found
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden in the shade

We would shout and swim about
The coral that lies beneath the waves
(Lies beneath the ocean waves)
Oh what joy for every girl and boy
Knowing they're happy and they're safe
(Happy and they're safe)
We would be so happy you and me
No one there to tell us what to do

I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden with you

Epilogue:

*  Since the last book:

nothing

book VII

Not Fucking Love

Prologue:

Extra!  Extra!  Sing all about it!  

Hot shit cumin' thru.  Hot shit.

Finally, my long awaited sequel to "NFL: Negative Feedback Loop" is now freely available in the large intestine of the internet.  

And guess what?  The reviews are in.  Much like a bout with severe ulcerative colitis, it's on karaoke fire!

Intro:  Saquan Barkley (Francis Scott Key)

1.  Jarvis Landry (Don Henley)

2.  Nick Chubb (David Bowie)

3.  Cream Cunt (Steve Martin)

4.  Cooper Kupp (The Foundations)

5.  Cam Akers (Vic Mizzy)

6.  Zach Ertz (Nazareth)

7.  Brady (Styx)

8.  Golden Taint (David Bowie)

9.  Diggs (ZZ Top)

10.  Golladay (Madonna)

Encore #1:  Younghoe Koo Chee Man (Muddy Waters)

Encore #2:  Crusty Loads, Pat Mahomes (John Denver)

Encore #3:  T.Y. Hil-ton (The Village People)

“Ladies and gentlemen, at this time we ask that you please rise and remove your Make America Great Again ball cap as we honor Donald J. Trump with the singing of our National Anthem.”

The Star-Spangled Banner
sonofsaf

O Saquon you pee, in the urinal white,
What so loudly he pissed in the toilet bowl streaming,
Whose large cock and big balls, in his left hand not right.
O’er the loud farts we heard, was your gassy ass feeling.
And the one-eyed dick scare, the bone throbbing with care,
Gave piss through the hole, for the glory to share,
O Saquon my maid anal cum in my cave
O’er the cum that you crave, on your face is depraved.

Dedicated to the Wizard of Fuzz.  His Wheeling Feeling FFL season has pretty much gone the way of the New Jersey Giants first round 2018 draft pick.  All.  Torn.  Up.

Meta tags: Saquon Barkley, NFL, New York Giants, urine, urinal, penis, flatulence, anal maid, ejaculation, depravity, Gwar, Francis Scott Key, Star Spangled Banner

The Star-Spangled Banner
Francis Scott Key 

O say can you see, by the dawn’s early light,
What so proudly we hail’d at the twilight’s last gleaming,
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight.
O’er the ramparts we watch’d were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there,
O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

 

1.  Jarvis Landry
sonofsaf

He makes his livin’ off the N-F-L
Just throw him passes, passes he can sell
Even though the Browns all smell
They love Jarvis Landry

Well, he coulda been a winner, but he wound up here
Factory of sadness, ain't nuthin' left to fear
Throw a spiral over here
Give us Jarvis Landry

Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high

Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch electrify

They got the Jimmy Haslam owner
Who owns Flyin’ J
He can tell you ‘bout his truck stops, pumpin’ gas all the way
We hope one day he’ll go away
Give us Jarvis Landry

Can we call for arbitration?
Is the contract set?
You know, the clowns in the press box have some gambling debt
Post it on the internet
We need Jarvis Landry

Cleveland really needs to fart loud, t’would smell no doubt
It would really smell a lot like burnt sauerkraut
Still he grabs it on his rout
Eat your Jarvis Landry

Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high

Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Smoke another joint
We could use a bye

Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high

Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Smoke another joint
We could use a bye

Dirty little Brownies
Ugly group of guys
They got their silly little jerseys that look like pumpkin pies
Their coaches do not heed our cries
We love Jarvis Landry

There’s no room for innuendo
Yinz all whine and bitch
When the game is done, they will have dug their own ditch
We all know he’s really rich
Give us Jarvis Landry

Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high

Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high

Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high

Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high

Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high

Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high

Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high
Catch ‘em when they’re low
Catch ‘em when they’re high

Dedicated to a morbidly obese, anonymous black woman sporting a Jarvis Landry jersey.  Your gunt was my muse.

Meta tags: Jarvis Landry, NFL, Cleveland Browns, stench, factory of sadness, Jimmy Haslam, Pilot Flying J, flatulence, burnt sauerkraut, marijuana brownies, pumpkin pie, Don Henley, Dirty Laundry

Dirty Laundry
Don Henley

I make my living off the evening news
Just give me something-something I can use
People love it when you lose,
They love dirty laundry

Well, I coulda been an actor, but I wound up here
I just have to look good, I don't have to be clear
Come and whisper in my ear
Give us dirty laundry

Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down

Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em all around

We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blond
Who comes on at five
She can tell you 'bout the plane crash with a gleam in her eye
It's interesting when people die
Give us dirty laundry

Can we film the operation?
Is the head dead yet?
You know, the boys in the newsroom got a running bet
Get the widow on the set!
We need dirty laundry

You don't really need to find out what's going on
You don't really want to know just how far it's gone
Just leave well enough alone
Eat your dirty laundry

Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down

Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em all around

Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down

Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re stiff
Kick ‘em all around

Dirty little secrets
Dirty little lies
We got our dirty little fingers in everybody's pie
We love to cut you down to size
We love dirty laundry

We can do "The Innuendo"
We can dance and sing
When it's said and done we haven't told you a thing
We all know that Kraft is king
Give us dirty laundry!

Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down

Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down

Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down

Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down

Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down

Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down

Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down
Kick ‘em when they’re up
Kick ‘em when they’re down

2.  Nick Chubb
sonofsaf

Nick Chubb
Put on your Nikes and stretch the field
Nick Chubb
To the sound they’re roarin’ in the stadium
Let's play
With creamy cum on your face
Let's play
Play through the porn in the cyberspace

If you say cum
I'll cum for you
And if chicken’s fried
It’s fried
Because my balls are two
My cock will enter you
If you should drink until it burns
And Chubb a whisky sour

Nick Chubb
Nick Chubb
Let’s hope you catch the ball
Nick Chubb
Hope you don’t trip and fall
Let's play
Do not stare between my thighs
Let's play
Under the bright lights, the glorious bright lights

And if you say cum
I'll cum for you
And if chicken’s fried
It’s fried
Because my balls are two
My cock will enter you
If you should drink until it burns
And Chubb a whisky sour

Nick Chubb
Put on your Nikes and stretch the field
Let's play
Under the bright lights, the glorious bright lights
Let’s Play
Let’s Play
Nick Chubb, Nick Chubb, Nick Chubb, Nick Chubb, Nick Chubb

 

Dedicated to Retired Banker.  By selecting Nick Chubb in this year’s first round fantasy draft, he effectively lived up to his shrill designation.

Meta tags: Nick Chubb, NFL, Cleveland Browns, Nike, ejaculation, intercourse, pornography, fried chicken, whisky sour, David Bowie, Let’s Dance

Let’s Dance
David Bowie

Let's dance
Put on your red shoes and dance the blues
Let's dance
To the song they're playin' on the radio
Let's sway
While color lights up your face
Let's sway
Sway through the crowd to an empty space

If you say run
I'll run with you
And if you say hide
We'll hide
Because my love for you
Would break my heart in two
If you should fall into my arms
And tremble like a flower


Let's dance
Let's dance
For fear your grace should fall
Let's dance
For fear tonight is all
Let's sway
You could look into my eyes
Let's sway
Under the moonlight, this serious moonlight

And if you say run
I'll run with you
And if you say hide
We'll hide
Because my love for you
Would break my heart in two
If you should fall into my arms
And tremble like a flower

Let's dance
Put on your red shoes and dance the blues
Let's sway
Under the moonlight, this serious moonlight
Let's sway
Let's sway
Let's dance, let’s dance, let’s dance, let’s dance, let’s dance
 

3.  Cream Cunt
sonofsaf

Cream Cunt (Cream Cunt)
Now when he was an infant,
They circumcised his dick
Doctor went to snip, chopped off that whole thing

(Cream Cunt) How’d you get so rasta?
(Funky Cunt) Dreadlocks made of pasta
College at Toledo
Moved to Cuyahoga (Cream Cunt)

(Cream Cunt) Now he’s all grown
A running back to meet you
The NFL is funny
He runs in coliseum (Cream Cunt)
Don’t you call him chunky (Creamy Cunt)
He’s my Negro monkey!

College at Toledo
Moved to Cuyahoga (Cream Cunt) (Cunt Cunt)
Dancin’ in Ohio (Disco Cunt Cunt)
Transgendered for a while (Tranny Cunt Cunt)
Hall of fame is wild (Rockin’ Cunt Cunt)
He’s very versatile
His crotch is like a chasm

Menstrual cycle
Bloody prescription

Now when I run
(Now) don’t think I’m a runt
Don’t want no fumble numeral
Just none like ole Cream Cunt (Cream Cunt)

His hands are never clammy (Cream Cunt)
One time he pulled a hammy
College at Toledo, moved to Cuyahoga
College at Toled-a, he’s a football superher-a
Cream Cunt

Dedicated to Not Guilty.  Better known far and wide as Cunt Face.  Let’s just say she had a case of high infidelity.

Meta tags: Kareem Hunt, NFL, Cleveland Browns, vagina, circumcision, castration, dreadlocks, transgender, crotch, menstruation, Steve Martin, King Tut

King Tut
Steve Martin

King Tut (King Tut)
Now when he was a young man,    
He never thought he'd see
People stand in line to see the boy king.

(King Tut) How'd you get so funky?
(Funky Tut) Did you do the monkey?
Born in Arizona,
Moved to Babylonia (King Tut).

(King Tut) Now, if I'd known.
They'd line up just to see you,
I'd trade in all my money
And bought me a museum. (King Tut).
Buried with a donkey (Funky Tut).
He's my favorite honky!

Born in Arizona,
Moved to Babylonia (King Tut).
Dancin' by the Nile, (Disco Tut).
The ladies love his style, (Waltzing Tut).
Rockin' for a mile (Rockin' Tut).
He ate a crocodile.
He gave his life for tourism.

Golden idol!
He's an Egyptian.

Now, when I die,
Don't think I'm a nut,
(Now) don't want no fancy funeral,  
Just one like ole King Tut.

He coulda won a Grammy,
Buried in his jammies,
Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia,
He was born in Arizona, lived in a condo made of stone-a,
King Tut.

 
4.  Cooper Kupp
sonofsaf

Why do you beat me up (beat me up) Cooper Kupp, baby
Give me ground and pound (ground and pound) and fuck me around
And then have the gall (have the gall) you dropped the ball, baby
When you punch my face (punch my face), and you steal my pills
I bleed red (I bleed red), take one for the team, darlin’
You smash all my fingers and toes
So beat me up (beat me up) Cooper Kupp, don’t break my nose

Deadicated to Low Down Hippie.  He’d eagerly assist any Grateful Dead concert-goer experiencing car trouble.  And then beat up his girlfriend.  All in the same night.  Sometimes peace and love.  Sometimes violence and hatred.  Regardless, he was the pure essence of multi-tasking.

Meta tags: Cooper Kupp, NFL, Los Angeles Rams, domestic violence, ground and pound, audacity, theft, blood, The Foundations, Buttercup

Buttercup
The Foundations

Why do you build me up (build me up) buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around?
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) buttercup, don't break my heart
 

5.  Cam Akers Theme Song
sonofsaf

Cam Akers wants to shit on me
Crap spewin’ is the way to be
Ass spreadin’ take you for a ride
Big scat wagon, just gimme me that doggy-style

L.A. is where I’d rather play
I get lethargic being gay
I just adore an anal view
Darling I’d fuck you but rather eat kangaroo.

Hard core, you whore
No pain, shit stain

You are a dyke
Fuck you, take a hike
Cam Akers millionaire

 

Dedicated to Los Angeles Rams owner Stan Kroenke.  Sorry I repeatedly tried to terminate your 5 billion dollar SoFi Stadium project in Inglewood.  Make a new plan Stan!

Meta tags: Cam Akers, NFL, Los Angeles Rams, defecation, scat, kangaroo, lesbian, Eva Gabor, Eddie Albert, Green Acres

Green Acres Theme Song
Vic Mizzy 

Green acres is the place to be
Farm livin' is the life for me
Land spreadin' out so far and wide
Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

New York is where I'd rather stay
I get allergic smelling hay
I just adore a penthouse view
Dahling I love you but give me Park Avenue

The chores, the stores
Fresh air, Times Square

You are my wife
Good bye, city life
Green acres we are there

6.  Zach Ertz
sonofsaf

Zach Ertz
Zach’s cock
Zach runs and blocks
Any dick for muff is filled with stuff
To make a first down gain, make a first down gain
Zach is very proud, doesn't mind the pain
Zach Ertz
Ooh Zach Ertz

He’s strong
Not slow
And Eagles know
He has some bling, fuck you, he’s earned for two
He really earned a lot, really earned a lot
Zach just loves the game, he burns you in the slot
Zach Ertz
Ooh Zach Ertz

Some will shrink
Like scaredy cats, panty waists, and momma’s boys
Some fools fool themselves with toys
They’re not screwing me

I know he ain’t a Jew, I know he ain’t a Jew
Zach loves Jesus Christ, he’s a lucky loo
Zach Ertz
Ooh Zach Ertz
Ooh Zach Ertz

I know he ain’t a Jew
I know he ain’t a Jew
Zach loves Jesus Christ, he’s a lucky loo
Zach Ertz
Ooh Zach Ertz
Ooh Zach Ertz, ooh

Dedicated to Hostile Golfer.  Zach Attack scored the game winning touchdown in Super Bowl LII.  Thus ensuring a victory over the despised New England Patriots (41-33).  Where Eagles Dare.  Fly Eagles Fly.

Meta tags: Zach Ertz, NFL, Philadelphia Eagles, penis, vagina, ejaculation, bling, compensation, marital aids, Judaism, Christianity, Jesus Christ, Nazareth, Love Hurts

Love Hurts
Nazareth

Love hurts
Love scars
Love wounds and marks
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts

I'm young
I know
But even so
I know a thing or two, I learned from you
I really learned a lot, really learned a lot
Love is like a flame, it burns you when it's hot
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts

Some fools think
Of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves, I guess
They're not foolin' me

I know it isn't true I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts
Ooh love hurts

I know it isn't true
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts
Ooh, love hurts, ooh

 

 
7.  Brady
sonofsaf

Brady, when I fuck you I’m smiling
Take it, uuup your ass
Your hands, use my balls for deflating
Now third string, and a tampon at bay

Brady, here’s a jizz mop to clean you
Fondling yooour bone
I’ll give, all the semen that’s needed
Just don’t cry, when it’s in your end zone

(You're my) Brady, I’m corn holing!
Cum drips, down your thighs
Squirting, cream pie goodness
You’re my Brady

Brady, turns me on when your cheating
(He'll) show me, allll his rings
Game days, when you quarterback sneak me
Just pound it, straight up into my ass

You’re my Brady, I’m corn holing!
Cum drips, down your thighs
Squirting, cream pie goodness
You’re my Brady

Brady, I’m corn holing!
Cum drips, down your thighs
Squirting, cream pie goodness
You’re my Brady

Dedicated to the daughter of Man-Diamond.  In nearly 20 years, I’ve spoken to you for less than 20 minutes.  Still, your baby picture will be forever adorned in the sky-box of the dome hockey table.

Meta tags: Tom Brady, NFL, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, anal, tampon, semen, squirting, cream pie, cheating, quarterback sneak, corn holing, Styx, Lady

Lady
Styx

Lady, when you're with me I'm smiling.
Give me all your love
Your hands build me up when I'm sinking
Just touch me and my troubles all fade

Lady, from the moment I saw you
Standing all alone
You gave all the love that I needed
So shy, like a child who has grown

Lady of the morning
Love shines in your eyes
Sparkling, clear and lovely
You're my lady

Lady, turns me on when I'm lonely
Show me all your charm
Evenings when you lay down beside me
Just take me gently into your arms

You're my lady of the morning
Love shines in your eyes
Sparkling, clear and lovely
You're my lady

Lady of the morning
Love shines in your eyes
Sparkling, clear and lovely
You're my lady

8.  Golden Taint
sonofsaf

Golden Taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden Taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden Taint, gold taint taint taint

Don't let me hear you say you get no action there  
Anal
Come eat up, it’s tasty.
Stroke on the shaft, and scrotum
Gocks are mush and the gunts are yum
Come eat up, it’s tasty

There’s my anus, and my balls
And I’m hoping you crave that little hole
Golden taint, gold taint taint
Come eat up, it’s tasty

Last night I fucked you
Opening ass and gaping some things
Anal
Come eat up, it’s tasty
Insert tongue and do not decline
Stick it in crack, suck balls, and dine
Come eat up, it’s tasty

I’ll lick it up, baby, like a patron saint
I am gonna suck you in the golden taint  
Gold
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Come eat up, it’s tasty

Back in the day when you wore a thong
Strung it up and down where it once belonged
In the back of an asshole silver long dong
Don’t whine, just eat. Try not to fart
Feeling alright, but I hope you don’t shart
Fist upon, fist upon, gay upon gay, Jesus Christ, oh Lord
Your fist’s in all the way
Come eat, it’s tasty
Lunch with the lesbos, lunch with the lesbos
Lunch with the lesbos near the golden taint

There’s my anus, and my balls
And I’m hoping you crave that little hole
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Come eat up, it’s tasty

Don't let me hear you say you get no action there  
Anal
Come eat up, it’s tasty.
Lunch with the lesbos, lunch with the lesbos
Lunch with the lesbos near the golden taint

I’ll lick it up, baby, like a patron saint
I am gonna suck you in the golden taint  
Gold

Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint
Golden taint, gold taint taint taint

Dedicated to the most famous huffer in O-HIGH-O.  The Trib!  Just for the record, I completely understand the allure of Golden Boy (obscure Seinfeld reference).  Straight outta Bell-Dirty!

Meta tags: Golden Tate, NFL, New York Giants, taint, perineum, anal, penis, gock, gunt, gaping, sharting, fisting, thong, flatulence, lesbian, David Bowie, Golden Years

Golden Years
David Bowie

Golden years, gold whop whop whop.
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop

Don't let me hear you say life's taking you nowhere.  
Angel.
Come get up, my baby
Look at that sky, life's begun
Nights are warm and the days are young
Come get up, my baby

There's my baby, lost that's all
Once I'm begging you save her little soul
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Come get up, my baby.

Last night they loved you.
Opening doors and pulling some strings
Angel
Come get up, my baby
In walked luck and you looked in time
Never look back, walk tall, act fine
Come get up, my baby

I'll stick with you, baby, for a thousand years.
Nothing's gonna touch you in these golden years.   
Gold
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Come get up, my baby

Some of these days, and it won't be long
Gonna drive back down where you once belonged
In the back of a dream car twenty foot long
Don't cry, my sweet, don't break my heart
Doing all right, but you gotta get smart
Wish upon, wish upon, day upon day, I believe, oh Lord
I believe all the way
Come get up, my baby
Run for the shadows, run for the shadows
Run for the shadows in these golden years

There's my baby, lost that's all
Once I'm begging you save her little soul
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Come get up, my baby

Don't let me hear you say life's taking you nowhere
Angel
Come get up, my baby
Run for the shadows, run for the shadows
Run for the shadows in these golden years

I'll stick with you, baby, for a thousand years
Nothing's gonna touch you in these golden years
Gold

Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop
Golden years, gold whop whop whop

9.  Diggs
sonofsaf

Stefon Diggs, he knows how to screw them
No need for cigs, (but) he knows how smoke them
He’s wearin’ wigs, wonderin’ how to comb them
Would you fuck his ass then, or any other hole then
Baby daddy, baby daddy
He’s outta site

He’s got clubs, trunk of his caddy
He got his balls wet, golfin’ with a tranny
Every time he’s swingin, he knows how to screw
Everybody wants to know if he’ll just do it
This song’s mine, and it rhymes
Golf ball’s a Top Flite

Stefon Diggs, he knows how to screw them
No need for cigs, (but) he knows how to smoke them
He’s got a lime, gin & juice time
Plays in the night, Monday night crime
Oh, I’ll suck him, said I want to fuck him
Diggs Stefon's alright, he’s alright

Dedicated to House Dress.  She didn’t have great legs but she always had an ample supply of frozen TV Dinners.  Lego my Banquet.

Meta tags: Stefon Diggs, NFL, Buffalo Bills, cigarettes, wigs, anal, baby daddy, golf, Cadillac, balls, Top Flite, gin & juice, Monday Night Football, ZZ Top, Legs

Legs
ZZ Top

She's got legs, she knows how to use them
She never begs, she knows how to choose them,
She's holdin' leg wonderin' how to feel them
Would you get behind them if you could only find them?
She's my baby, she's my baby
Yeah, it's alright

She's got hair down to her fanny
She's kinda jet set, try undo her panties
Everytime she's dancin' she knows what to do
Everybody wants to see if she can use it
She's so fine, she's all mine
Girl, you got it right

She's got legs, she knows how to use them
She never begs, she knows how to choose them
She's got a dime all of the time
Stays out at night movin' through time
Oh, I want her, said, I got to have her
The girl is alright, she's alright

 

10.  Golladay
sonofsaf

Golladay
Masturbate
Golladay
Masturbate

Hey my name is Golladay
Take some time to masturbate
Just some cum from my dick
It would be, it would be so thick

Every girl spread their legs
We’re gonna do some masturbation
Embryos and eggs
This ain’t urination
It’s time for a good jerk
Maybe throw in a bad twerk, oh yeah
Fun way to cum together and release the pressure
I’m Kenny Golladay

Hey my name is Golladay
Take some time to masturbate (come on, let’s masturbate)
Just some cum from my dick (Golladay)
It would be, it would be so thick

You can whack it up and down
And stroke it all of those pleasant ways
You don’t have to frown
It’s time to masturbate
Cum is fine
And in your mind
A way to squirt together, (we) can make things wetter
My name is Golladay

Hey my name is Golladay (Golladay)
Take some time to masturbate (come on, let's masturbate)
Just some cum from my dick (just some cum from my dick)
It would be, it would be so thick

Ooh yeah, oh yeah
Come on let’s masturbate
We have got to cum together

Golladay, ooh yeah, ooh yeah
Masturbate, come on let’s masturbate
Golladay, just some cum from my dick
Masturbate, it would be so thick

Golladay
Masturbate
Gollady
Masturbate

Golladay, we’ve got to cum together
Masturbate, take some time to masturbate
Golladay

Dedicated to my deceased and somewhat estranged Uncle Jack from Detroit.  I once innocently asked, “Uncle Dick, how’s it going?”  He dryly replied, “My name’s Jack.  You father calls me Uncle Dick.”

Meta tags: Kenny Golladay, NFL, Detroit Lions, masturbation, ejaculation, fertility, urination, twerking, Madonna,

Holiday
Madonna

Holiday
Celebrate
Holiday
Celebrate

If we took a holiday
Took some time to celebrate
Just one day out of life
It would be, it would be so nice

Everybody spread the word
We're gonna have a celebration
All across the world
In every nation
It's time for the good times
Forget about the bad times, oh yeah
One day to come together to release the pressure
We need a holiday

If we took a holiday
Took some time to celebrate (come on, let's celebrate)
Just one day out of life (holiday)
It would be, it would be so nice

You can turn this world around
And bring back all of those happy days
Put your troubles down
It's time to celebrate
Let love shine
And we will find
A way to come together, (we) can make things better
We need a holiday

If we took a holiday (holiday)
Took some time to celebrate (come on, let's celebrate)
Just one day out of life (just one day out of life)
It would be, it would be so nice

Ooh yeah, oh yeah
Come on let’s celebrate
We have got to get together

Holiday, ooh yeah, ooh yeah
Celebrate, come on let’s celebrate
Holiday, just one day out of life
Celebrate, it would be so nice

Holiday
Celebrate
Holiday
Celebrate

Holiday we’ve got to get together
Celebrate, take some time to celebrate
Holiday

Encore:  Younghoe Koo Chee Man
sonofsaf

The baby doctor told my momma
Without any scorn
You got a lil’ weenie comin’
He’s gonna be Seoul’s favorite son
He gonna make all you ladies
Scream and shout
He’s gonna use that tongue
And eat them all out

But you know he’s Asian
Everybody knows he’s Asian
Well, you know he’s the Younghoe Koo Chee Man
Yeah, everybody knows he’s Asian

He got some egg foo young
He got some bibimbop
He got some spicy octopus stew
Egg soup is gonna drop
He’s gonna prod you girls
Chopsticks in his hand
He gonna use that tongue
Cuz he’s the Younghoe Koo Chee Man

But you know he’s Asain
Everybody knows he’s Asian
Yeah, you know he’s the Younghoe Koo Chee Man
Everybody knows he’s Asian

Billy Cuntiff cowers
It’s the Cuntiff way
He’s a Cuntiff cunt
His fellow teammates say
He was born for good sucky
And a lil’ sake

He got some dirty bird dollars
The ATM’s free
But you know he’s Asian
Everybody knows he’s Asian
Well, you know he’s the Younghoe Koo Chee Man
And all of sweet Georgia knows he’s Asian

Also dedicated to the Retired Banker.  A tribute to his 2020 FFL moniker.  Was the additional “Chee” suffix truly necessary?  Time will tell.

Meta tags: Younghoe Koo, NFL, Atlanta Flacons, pregnancy, cunnilingus, Asian, egg foo young, bibimbap, octopus, egg drop soup, Billy Cundiff, Muddy Waters, Hoochie Coochie Man

Hoochie Coochie Man
Muddy Waters

The gypsy woman told my mother
Before I was born
I got a boy child's coming
He's gonna be a son of a gun
He gonna make pretty womens
Jump and shout
Then the world wanna know
What this all about

But you know I'm him
Everybody knows I'm him
Well, you know I'm a Hoochie Coochie Man
Yeah, everybody knows I'm him

I got a black cat bone
I got a mojo tooth
I got the John the conqueror root
I'm gonna mess with you
I'm gonna make you girls
Lead me by my hand
Then the world would know
That I'm a Hoochie Coochie Man

But you know I'm him
Everybody knows I'm him
Yeah, you know I'm a Hoochie Coochie Man
Everybody knows I'm him

On the seventh hours
On the seventh day
On the seventh month
The seven doctors said
He was born for good luck
And that you'll see

I got seven hundred dollars
Don't you mess with me
But you know I'm him
Everybody knows I'm him
Well, you know I'm a Hoochie Coochie Man
And the whole round world knows I'm him
 

Encore:  Pat Mahomes, Crusty Loads
sonofsaf

Kansas City, West Missouri
Golden showers, urine I’ll deliver
Pubes are black here, blacker than black face
You will be R. Kelly’d, semen you’ll embrace

Crusty loads, Pat Mahomes
Glory hole for my dong
More Obama, less Osama
Pat Mahomes, crusty loads

Both my testicles, swollen pound her
Big black ball sack, danger near her twatter
Hokey pokey, cum shot in the eye
Salty taste of man milk, cock snot and creampie

Crusty loads, Pat Mahomes
Glory hole for my dong
More Obama, less Osama
Pat Mahomes, crusty loads

He feels the wood in the mornin’ hour he can’t pee
Fellatio is kind for my big bone lick today
Fillin’ up the tub, I got some Calgon
The time has cum to take me away, me away

Crusty loads, Pat Mahomes
Glory hole for my dong
More Obama, less Osama
Pat Mahomes, crusty loads

Crusty loads, Pat Mahomes
Glory hole for my dong
More Obama, less Osama
Pat Mahomes, crusty loads
Pat Mahomes, stain crusty loads
Pat Mahomes, stain crusty loads

Dedicated to Jermaine Stewart’s drummer.   Personally, I’d prefer it if you kept your clothes on.  A loyal Kansas City Chiefs fan and unwavering purveyor of overpriced jellies and preserves, steak sauces and seasonings, mustards, salad dressings, and of course, the emblematic fruit syrups.  All hail the West Virginia Troopers Association and their notorious Bears Against Drugs Program.  Trooper give ‘em Teddy Hug-A-Bear, makes ‘em understand.

Meta tags:  Pat Mahomes, NFL, Kansas City Chiefs, golden shower, pubic hair, R. Kelly, semen, Barack Obama, Osama Bin Laden, glory hole, penis, testicles, twat, ejaculation, cream pie, erection, fellatio, Calgon, John Denver, Country Roads

Take Me Home, Country Roads
John Denver

Almost heaven, West Virginia
Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River
Life is old there, older than the trees
Younger than the mountains, growin' like a breeze

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain mama
Take me home, country roads

All my memories gather 'round her
Miner's lady, stranger to blue water
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky
Misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain mama
Take me home, country roads

I hear her voice in the mornin' hour, she calls me
The radio reminds me of my home far away
Drivin' down the road, I get a feelin'
That I should've been home yesterday, yesterday

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain mama
Take me home, country roads

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain mama
Take me home, country roads
Take me home, down country roads
Take me home, down country roads

Encore:  T.Y. Hil-Ton
sonofsaf

Thank you, you must shit sitting down
In-bread, thank you, pinch a loaf by the pound
Asshole, thank you, change your face from a frown
There’s a place to be uncrappy

Thank you, there’s a poop you well know
Asshole, thank you, it’s the squirts from below
You can crap here, after where you just dined
Restroom stall’s the scene of the crime

The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton

You can make your ass sing and your butt cheeks rejoice
You can fart around make some noise

The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton

You can wipe your ass clean, it’s a really good deal
You can shit right after your meal

Thank you, Hershey squirting’s like pee
Asshole, thank you, chocolate be what it be
Asshole, thank you, you can dump by all means
Butt your colon is your best friend

No man, wants to shit on himself
Asshole, thank you, it’s time to ASSert yourself
Burger King there, at the T.Y. okay
I'm sure you can have it your way

The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton

You can make your ass sing and your butt cheeks rejoice
You can fart around make some noise

The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton

You can wipe your ass clean, it’s a really good deal
You can shit right after your meal

Thank you, I once made number two
Asshole it was, time to shit out some food
I saw hotel, and it wasn’t a dive
I felt the whole lobby was just right
 
That's when, someone beside me peed
Asshole, thank you, keep your dick far from me
There's a place there, called the T.Y. Hil-Ton
You can also go number one

The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton
The runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton

You can make your ass sing and your butt cheeks rejoice
You can fart around make some noise

T.Y. Hil-Ton, the runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton

Thank you, thank you, when it’s time to go down
Thank you, thank you, drop your pants to the ground

T.Y. Hil-Ton, the runs are fun at the T.Y. Hil-Ton

Thank you, thank you, Hershey squirting’s like pee
Thank you, thank you, chocolate be what it be

T.Y. Hil-ton, you'll find it at the T.Y. Hil-ton

No man, thank you, wants to shit on himself
Thank you, thank you, time to ASSert yourself

T.Y. Hil-Ton, and just shit at the T.Y. Hil-Ton

Thank you, thank you, I once made number two
Thank you, thank you, time to shit out some food, T.Y. Hil-Ton

 

Dedicated to Le Biz.  She never favored Paris Hilton.  However, she did resemble her BFF Nicole Richie.

Meta tags: T.Y. Hilton, NFL, Indianapolis Colts, defecation, incest, Holiday Inn, hotel lobby restrooms, diarrhea, flatulence, Hershey’s chocolate, squirting, The Village People, Y.M.C.A.

Y.M.C.A.
The Village People

Young man, there's no need to feel down
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy

Young man, there's a place you can go
I said, young man, when you're short on your dough
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time

It's fun to stay at the YMCA
It's fun to stay at the YMCA

They have everything for you men to enjoy
You can hang out with all the boys

It's fun to stay at the YMCA
It's fun to stay at the YMCA

You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal
You can do what ever you feel

Young man, are you listening to me?
I said, young man, what do you want to be?
I said, young man, you can make real your dreams
But you got to know this one thing

No man does it all by himself
I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf
And just go there, to the YMCA
I'm sure they can help you today

It's fun to stay at the YMCA
It's fun to stay at the YMCA

They have everything for you men to enjoy
You can hang out with all the boys

It's fun to stay at the YMCA
It's fun to stay at the YMCA

You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal
You can do what ever you feel

Young man, I was once in your shoes
I said, I was down and out with the blues
I felt no man cared if I were alive
I felt the whole world was so tight

That's when someone came up to me
And said, young man, take a walk up the street
There's a place there called the YMCA
They can start you back on your way

It's fun to stay at the YMCA
It's fun to stay at the YMCA

They have everything for you men to enjoy
You can hang out with all the boys

YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA

Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down
Young man, young man, pick yourself off the ground

YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA

Young man, young man, are you listening to me
Young man, young man, what do you wanna be?

YMCA, you'll find it at the YMCA

No man, young man, does it all by himself
Young man, young man, put your pride on the shelf

YMCA, and just go to the YMCA

Young man, young man I was once in your shoes
Young man, young man I was down with the blues, YMCA

Epilogue:

* since the last book 

Concerts

Knotfest Roadshow, 8-23-19, Keybank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
GWAR, 9-13-19, Mr. Small’s Theatre, Pittsburgh, PA
Phil Collins, 10-2-19, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA
Dark Star Orchestra, 10-12-19, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA
Bob Seger, 10-17-19, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA
Tool, 11-8-19, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA
Phish, 12-4-19, Peterson Events Center, Pittsburgh, PA
Ratt, 12-17-19, Jergel’s, Warrendale, PA
Melvin Seals, 3-11-20, Jergel’s, Warrendale, PA

Pittsburgh Steelers vs.

Seattle Seahawks, 9-15-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Cincinnati Bengals, 9-30-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Baltimore Ravens, 10-6-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Miami Dolphins, 10-29-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Indianapolis Colts, 11-3-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Los Angeles Rams, 11-10-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Cleveland Browns, 12-1-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Buffalo Bills, 12-15-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA

Pitt Panthers vs.

Virginia Cavaliers, 8-31-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Central Florida, 9-21-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Delaware Fightin’ Blue Hens, 9-28-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Miami, 10-26-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA
Boston College, 11-30-19, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA

Pittsburgh Pirates vs.

Seattle Mariners, 9-17-19, PNC Park, Pittsburgh, PA

Pittsburgh Riverhounds vs.

Birmingham Legion, 10-26-19, Highmark Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA
Charleston Battery, 9-14-19, Highmark Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA

I won’t go down the road/field of sporting events, but here’s a comprehensive list of concerts I was planning to attend.  They were either postponed or canceled due to the Covid pandemic.  Obviously, it’s a rather extensive list.  But the summer of 2020 was unusually loaded.  Keep in mind, we almost never pay for tickets (with about an 85% success rate).  So there’s always the possibility that we’d head to the venue, have a few drinks, fail to score freebies, and opt to bail.  Regardless, considering the “indescribable joy” that some of these individuals and bands have bestowed upon humanity, I figured they each deserved a minimal explanation as to the likelihood for my absence.  Hey, it’s the least I can do.

1= doubtful
2 = maybe (more of a game time decision)
3 = probable
4 = extremely likely
5 = definite

Bob Weir, 3-20-20, Roxian Theatre, McKees Rocks, PA (5)

Nearly 30 years ago, Schneid Dog was relieving himself near a tented backstage area behind the I.C. Light Amphitheatre at Station Square.  Bob Weir’s foot rounded the corner and was rewarded with a “light spattering.”  You're in my urine, I'm pissing on you now.

Christopher Cross, 4-15-20, Carnegie Library Music Hall, Munhall, PA (4)

When you get caught between the moon and Northern Sewickley….  When you get caught between the Mun and Allegheny…

Girl Talk, 5-1-20, Stage AE,  Pittsburgh, PA (1)

Quite the mixologist.  Battle rapper?  No.  Mash-up Crapper?  Maybe.

Testament, 5-13-20, Roxian Theatre, McKees Rocks (4)

Before the internet even existed, Online Bandit deliberately pissed over the edge of a McDonald’s urinal in C-Burg after a Penn Hills City Limits show.  July 15, 1988.  I violently objected!  But he calmly testified... "it's called going over the wall."  As we were exiting, an employee walked in and gasped two words.  "Ohh no."

Foo Fighters, 5-18-20, Rocket Mortgage Field House, Cleveland, OH (2) 

I once presided over a facebook group known as the FoozeFighters.  Not to be confused with the BoozeFighters motorcycle gang.  Just so you know, as far as foosball tables go, there’s only one viable option.  Tornado Cyclone II.

Kenny Chesney, 5-30-20, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA (3)

Never been to Mexico City.  However, Modelo is my preferred choice of beer from Mexico.  "Less filling, tastes like ass" - Tony Soprano.

Trey Anastasio, 6-5-20, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA (4)

There’s a habitual hippie argument that’s always bothered me: Phish or the Dead?  It’s a painful reminder of the hillbilly/townie argument over which is better: Ford or Chevy.  Click and clack.  Crick or creek.  Nobody really gives a fuck.

Avett Brothers, 6-7-20, Peterson Events Center, Pittsburgh, PA (1)

Our friends hit up back to back shows at Red Rocks in 2019.  We made the superior choice and lit up Dead & Company at Folsom Field, University of Colorado.  Got our Mork and Mindy on.  Gettin' all orked up.

Ozzy Osbourne/Marilyn Manson, 6-11-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (5) 

Ozzy’s 2020 release features the incredibly emotional video “Ordinary Man.”  Great ballad.  Regrettably, the other 10 songs are absolutely atrocious.  Total filler.

There’s one hometown concert I’ll always regret missing.  Marilyn Manson, February 15, 1997.  Various churches sponsored a candlelight vigil in front of the Wheeling Civic Center.  I have absolutely no idea why, but for some reason, I sold my ticket to a preacher who didn’t want me to enter the arena and “succumb to the demonic influences.”  What was I thinking?  My capitulation may have been the result of a heightened level of gastrointestinal distress.  Would have made for a good Humira commercial.

Ratt/Cinderella, 6-16-20, Wild Things Park, Washington, PA (5) 

Where the wild things are!  Lil’ Wash Pa!  From a crowd watching perspective, nuthin’ beats late 80’s pop metal fans in the year 2020.

Joe Russo’s Almost Dead, 6-18-20, Jacob’s Pavilion, Cleveland, OH (4) 

Never seen ‘em before.  Was planning to zip up solo.  Maybe hook up with Latex Quacker and Younghoe Koo Chee Man.

Rolling Stones, 6-23-20, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA (5)

The whole Covid pandemic really makes me wonder.  Will I ever see the Rolling Stones live in concert again?  If any of the major acts have a “cut-off point,” it’s gotta be them.

Alice Cooper/Tesla, 6-26-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (5)

"Yo Flo - tell Mel to whip me up a toasted bagel and cream cheese.
(to Silent Bob) You want one too?  (Silent Bob nods)
Make that two.  And kiss my grits.  Nooch.
(to Holden) D’jever watch 'Alice'?  That show's good as hell."

More rock bands should echo car brands.  Deadly bacteria as well.  Hint: Bacillus anthracis.

Primus, 6-28-20, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA (5)

I was seriously looking forward to Les Claypool’s interpretation of Rush’s “A Farewell to Kings.”  Downright Geddy, er uh, giddy.  Alas, it wasn’t meant to Lee, er uh, be.

Megadeth, 6-28-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (0) 

Who the fuck schedules a Star Lake Big Four heavy metal concert on the same day as Primus?  Sucked.

Nickleback/Stone Temple Pilots, 6-30-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (3)

If there ever was a show to skip out early…  Just for the record, here’s what a big rockstar really looks like.  Coma!

Dave Matthews Band, 7-3-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (4)

In the summer of 2017, a week before the race riots on the University of Virginia campus, we visited two wineries outside Charlottesville.  The Dave Mathews Winery and the Trump Whinery.  Peculiar how they peacefully coexisted in such close proximity.

European Championship Semi-final, 7-7-20, Wembley Stadium, London, England (5)
European Championship Semi-final, 7-8-20, Wembley Stadium, London, England (5)

Passports renewed.  Flights booked.  Bed & breakfast reservations.  Check.  Check.  Check.  Everything except for the tickets.  We’re probably the only couple on the planet earth willing to fly across the world’s second biggest ocean sans tickets.

Pearl Jam, 7-10-20, Hyde Park, London, England (5)

Easily one of my top 10 bands.  Naturally, we snuck into the sold-out Wells Fargo Center for the infamous Ten show in 2016.  Truth be told, I preferred the previous night’s concert.

Democratic National Convention, 7-13-20 > 7-16-20, Milwaukee, WI (5)

Milwaukee!  An excellent location to educate lawmakers about the wireless equivalent of shouting “fire” in a crowded theater.  Hint: Everyone has a cell phone.

Jimmy Buffett, 7-16-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (3)

Wastin’ away again in marijuanaville.  Gotta be honest here.  I’m kinda burnt out on the Buffett buffet of boat beverages and beach balls.

Chicago, 7-25-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (1) 

The older I get, the more I appreciate Chicago.  The band, not the city.  Exorbitant parking fees suck.

Dead & Company, 7-27-20, Blossom Music Center, Cleveland, OH (5)

The state of my first Dead show.  Albeit Cincy.  Oh what a night, early April back in eighty nine.

Hall & Oates, 7-28-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (3) 

Long ago, a female writer with the Wheeling Intelligencer penned an inspiring blog about her love for Hall and Oats.  When I corrected her on the spelling of the latter, she quickly changed it to “Oates” and deleted my comment.  Ten years later, I’m calling on Bob Nutting, the hillbilly billionaire, to launch an official investigation.

Dead & Company, 7-29-20, Hersheypark Stadium, Hershey, PA (5)

Never been to this venue.  However, I could easily envision the chaos of what might have been.  August 11, 2020.  Motley Crue and Def Leppard were at the stadium.  Phish was set to play indoors at the neighboring Giant Center.  Roll the videotape.  You know… when parking lots collide, tailgaters collide.  Different strokes for different folks.

Rage Against The Machine, 7-31-20, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA (5)

Gordonathon paid almost $1,000 for 2 tickets.  Ouch!  I thought RATM was supposed to be all anti-hyper-capitalism n’shit.  I thought wrong.

Black Crowes, 8-1-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (5)

The birthday show that never was.  Same as Jerry Garcia (1942).  I learned of his death while driving in Oglebay Park listening to WDVE 102.5.  The exact moment the dee jay spilled the news, a deer ran across the road and jumped onto the hood of my car.  It fell to the asphalt, scrambled back to its feet, and hurriedly limped away.  Damage to my 1988 Nissan Maxima was surprisingly minimal.

Foreigner, 8-2-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (1)

Urgent!  Emergency!  If you pay for a limo to go see Foreigner, you are indeed, a juke box weirdo.  His name… was Douchebag Dlesk.

Santana, 8-5-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown (1)

Oh yeah, the black magic mother fucker.  Frankly I think the whole Carlos Santana routine is exhaustively stale.  My contempt for him even extends to Santana Moss (former Redskins receiver) and the legendary pro wrestler Tito Santana.  Hopefully that didn't come across as racist.

Doobie Brothers, 8-6-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (1)

There’s an infinite number of things to say when you’re panhandling for free Doobie Brothers tickets.  “Need one doobie!  Lookin’ for a free doobie!  Anybody got my miracle doobie?  Yo bro, extra doobie?”

or

Steelers vs. Cowboys, Hall of Fame Game, 8-6-20, Tom Benson Hall of Fame Stadium, Canton, OH (3)

Canton!  A great place to divulge common sense, public safety information regarding stadium safety.  Hint: Everyone has a cell phone.

Weezer/Green Day/Fall Out Boy, 8-15-20, PNC Park, Pittsburgh, PA (5)

Weezer - On May 29, 2011, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl should have given the key to the city to Three Rivers Cuomo.
Green Day - Megan Pineapple!  Doling out the awards.  Not the best voice.  Not the best stage dive.  Spirited effort nonetheless.  
Fall Out Boy - I utterly abhor the entire Emo genre.  #MindingEmo

Motley Crue, Def Leppard, Poison, Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, 8-16-20, PNC Park, Pittsburgh, PA (5)

Motley Crud - Easily the best misheard lyrics on the net.  Dicksmart My Fart.
Deaf Retard - I’m taking a principled stand against Def Lep Mom Jeans in the year 2020.  Join me.
Poison - Kinda surprised their song “Look What the Cat Dragged in” never achieved a greater level of popularity.
Joan Jett & the Blackhearts - Obligatory shout-out to my little drummer boy, Wheeling’s very own Paul Harkins.  Seriously though, Joan Jett should consider performing my fantasy football parody of Love Hurts.  Zach Ertz!

Night Ranger/Whitesnake, 8-19-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (3.5)

Night Ranger - February 16, 1986.  Wheeling Civic Center.  The first concert where I held a girl on my shoulders.  Made me wish I was a chick.
Whitesnake - Mark Madden has more nicknames than yours truly.  Super Genius, Double M, Big Sexy… this night would have made for a decent stalking opportunity.

Republican National Convention, 8-24-20 > 8-27-20, Charlotte, NC (5)

Charlotte!  A hot spot to inform GOP politicians about a hypothetical, asymmetric cyber-attack.  Hint: Everyone has a cell phone.

Kiss, 8-28-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (5)

One of the best openers in the history of rock’n’roll is Detroit Rock City.  In Detroit no less.  Followed by some of the worst commentary in the history of rock’n’roll.  “Man I tell you something, you got a lot to be proud of.  This place looks like a damn zoo.  Let me hear all the animals!"

Brooks & Dunn, 8-29-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (4)

Pop country music usually leaves me feeling agitated and mentally constipated.  Except for this opener and quality segue.

Korn, 9-5-20, S&T Bank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (5)

Saw them at Star Lake during the peak of the Ebola scare.  J.D. should have started the show with a repetitive crowd chant of… “Ebola, Korn Goodness.”

Korn, 9-13-20, Blossom Music Center, Cuyahoga Falls, OH (2)

If Donald Trump ever attended a Korn concert, I’d have few qualms with labeling him The Great Kornholio.  You gotta protect that orange mop.

Judas Priest, 9-24-20, Covelli Centre, Youngstown, OH (5)

Back in the day, I am among the many fans who never knew that Rob Halford was gay.  Of course, at the time, I was a teenager and there was no internet.  Nowadays, there’s not much left to the imagination.