billboarded in the butthole

I just saw this on facebook.

It made me think.  This story of betrayal needs to play itself out, preferably over a 4-6 week period.  I would suggest that "Michael" respond with a billboard message of his own.  Possible accusatory themes could include infidelity, parental abuse or neglect, alcohol and drug addiction, etc.  Hell, maybe the Jessica mistress could even chime in.  The back and forth would unfold like an outdoor, "limited info" Maury Povich lie detector test.  Can you even fathom the level of interest, twisted amusement/sick joy of local drivers? 

If I owned a billboard company, say Lamar for instance... and the local economy was in horrible condition.  I mean vastly worse than it is now.  To the point where billboard advertising suffered a severe, marked decline.  Well, instead of placing a bunch of those "You Ad Here" signs...

... I would shift my entire focus from business to regular people.  You've got to figure there are always some wealthy people (with expendable cash and reckless judgement) who are pissed off at their mates.  The more flamboyant the personalities, the better.  Billboard advertising could be an exceptional strategy for a lover's quarrel, particularly gay, transgendered, interracial and ones with a wide age differential. 

You always see those "Look who just turned 50!" or "So proud of our dumbshit kid that graduated from Wheeling Park High School !!!"  On second thought, perhaps the latter is a spectacular, celebratory achievement.  Some of us had to go to summer school.  But I digress.

My point is that the PRECEDENT is already there.

In the Elm Grove section of Wheeling, we had that infamous "car wash controversy."  This guy named Vincent Camastro wanted to construct a 4-bay car wash on this scalene triangle plot of Lumber Avenue.  The city denied his request.  Immediately following, someone (allegedly "connected" with the city) constructed a car wash facility on the adjacent property. 

Keep in mind, this whole brew-ha-ha erupted back in 1994.  For the love of Christ, it continues to the present day.  That's almost 2 fucking decades in the town where time stands still.   Let me put this in perspective.  Back then, there was no Arnold Palmer golf course.  The dentist office on Washington Avenue was selling tequila shots for 2 cents.  My friend, Bill Beaver was working "down by the Riverside."  Suffice to say, "time passing" in Wheeling is a notion met with absolute defiance.

Anyhoo, Camastro erected a sign in the triangulated crossfire zone.  I found a couple pics on the internet. 

The second one is a tad blurry - here's the content...

"Dear President Obama,

I need your help. The city of Wheeling is corrupt. We have corrupt city officials, corrupt courts, corrupt judges. I have been retaliated against for trying to expose this corruption. Over the years our newspaper and television stations have betrayed us by not reporting the corruption. We are told only what they want us to hear. There are two sets of laws. One for us and one for them and their friends.
Backroom deals. Judges ignore the rule of law. Our Constitution and Justice mean nothing to them. They are traitors to our country.

Mr President, you cannot beat city hall when judges protect a corrupt city. I was stopped from presenting evidence to a grand jury against corrupt city officials and ordered by a judge, who stormed in during the proceedings, to shut up or I would be arrested.

My civil rights have been violated. My rights today, yours tomorrow. Where is the FBI, where is the Department of Justice? Our Governor, Senators, and Congressmen have ignored my plea for help. They are the biggest hypocrites. They are part of the problem of corruption.

I am fighting corruption alone and I am losing. I need your help. I can't believe this is happening to me in America."
  
All in all, I like the message.  He states his case with passion and precision.  Though it's difficult to read the whole thing when driving by.  Over the years, it has been defaced, vandalized and I think someone once tore it down.  So he threw up a few more billboards with the identical message.  I've seen them in downtown Wheeling, Center Wheeling and Elm Grove.  Hey... let's give this guy credit for "stirring up the shit-storm" in a town that's not only scared shitless, but also, generally devoid of substantive shit.  If I was at one of those city council meetings, I would stand up and deliver a stinging filibuster...  Wheeling, shame on you.  Your stool is looser than your moral conduct.  You have no fecality!  I repeat... zero fecal fortitude!  (I'd ramble on longer than Rand Paul and/or Robert Plant).

As the car wash conspiracy approaches its 20th anniversary, it might finally be time to let the whole thing subside.  An elderly bo-toxed man once said, you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run.

K-Rog knows what I'm talkin' about.

Personally, I prefer the renegade billboard approach.  Does anyone recall this local fiasco from the mid 90's?  Allegedly, a bitter female ex-lover spray painted "(name omitted) RAPED MY SON" 

I won't name names on this one.

And oh yeah... she wrote it on the wall of the vacant, old Krogers (in Wheeling, we add the "s") in Woodsdale late one Saturday night.  Sure enough, the entire population was collectively mortified as they walked to St. Mike's for church that Sunday morning.  And the guy's name was insanely recognizable.  Brilliantly evil.  As if the rape insinuations weren't bad enough.  How about we throw in an extra allegation of gay child molestation?  Catholic church hierarchy - eat your heart out!

Finally, my point to all of this... as the United States ultimately joins the list of "once mighty, great civilizations in the dust bowl of world history" you'll likely see more of these billboard scenarios play themselves out.  When people realize they cannot depend on the U.S. government, they'll likely seek help from local sources.  Family, friends, neighbors, churches, gangs, etc.  Anywhere they can find utility and "resilience."  The power vacuum will trend back to the states, cities and most important, local small town communities.

I've always thought this.  That when the U.S. collapses... the mayors, city councilpersons, sheriffs, and law enforcement in general, will begin to wield an awesome amount of power.  Think in terms of Bloomberg in NYC with his recent anti-big-gulp-pop and hidden cigarettes campaigns.  Think about Rahm Emanuel.  Wouldn't conventional wisdom tell you that being the #1 cabinet adviser to the POTUS is bigger than being mayor of Chicago?  Perhaps.  Perhaps not.  I think my sister-in-law Sandy is friends with Rahm Emanuel's brother - he's the Ari Gold character portrayed on HBO's entourage.  No kidding. 

A substantial marketing shift (from the corporate sector to the individual) in the billboard industry seems like a reasonable assumption.  I honestly believe you'll see more of this crap as people try to exert influence and harness control.  It's happening right now.  As of yet, it just hasn't reach that definitive, "boiling" point.  But we're definitely getting there.  And it's even consistent with the socioeconomic trash-movement fixation.

So this one's for my friend "Hostile Golfer."  A strong opener from the Vet.  I've said it before and I'll say it til I die, 1989 was the best year for the Dead.

Is the Maury Povich show a modern day concentration camp?

I always had a hunch that Maury Povich was Jewish.  His mannerisms, his behavior, his schnoz... to be honest, he often reminds me of myself.  So I googled him and sure enough, he's the son of Ethyl Friedman and Shirley Povich.  I find it odd when men are named Shirley.  It's that old Airplane conundrum.

Twas not a lesbian couple that created the zygotic, embryonic emperor of the daytime talk show circuit.  In fact, his father was a sportswriter for the Washington Post.  See... this just goes to show that you can learn something of exceedingly minimal value every day.

Of course Maury is known for one thing above all else.  And that's paternity tests.  We've all seen the hurling of accusations and the celebratory dance moves.  We've all witnessed the pain and sorrow... and the jubilation and exultation. 

I'd like to take a moment and focus on the people.  Because it is the sum of these individual parts that constitute "Maury's essence."  Rest assured, without all these human beings and all their intrinsically fascinating tales of good lovin' gone bad, there would not be a Maury.  No stories to be told = no Maury.  No miracle babies = no gifts from god.  And that equation would not bode well for a god fearing, Christian nation.  Cuz in the 1950's, we left it to Beaver.  But nowadays, we leave it to Maury.  And rightly so.

Saf, what the fuck are you blathering about?  And why on earth would you equate the holocaust with The Maury Show?  Incidentally, I prefer to omit the "The" from the title.  This is consistent with how he used to refer to himself (from an omniscient perspective).  He used to speak with this beaming pride... "Come to Maury Show."  Am I the only one who finds this peculiar? 

Having watched Schindler's List, we should all be cognizant that names are critical to the human experience.  I believe it was Joseph Stalin who said, "One death is a tragedy, one million is a statistic."  Ironic that he would be responsible for the death of about 43 million, give or take a mil. 

Do you see what I'm inferring?  On the Maury show, there's just this endless parade of low-end humanity.  People whose sole purpose for existence is geared toward nothing but reckless procreation.  With every 7 minutes comes a new and vibrant story.  A baby momma and an alleged baby daddy.  Such is the cycle of life.  Long lists of names and corresponding social security numbers.  Don't kid yourself.  You're nothing more than a name and a number.  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.  You're just not as special as you or your parents think you are. 

And I know this sounds crazy, but the names bear a striking resemblance to the war torn European regions of the 1940's.  You'd think residents of a HUD development in Chicago would bear little resemblance to the names of concentration camps.  You would be mistaken.  Each forced labor camp or extermination facility had a unique name and location.  Just like Maury.

I'll steer clear of the German camps.  Instead, let's look at some of the other Eastern bloc countries.

In Lithuania, there was Volary.  On Maury, there's Unari (which is actually a divine mix of elf and unicorn, although I doubt that was the mother's intention).

In Yugoslavia there was Danica, Kruscica and Banjica.  On Maury, there's Latisha, Shianta and Rashanda.

My personal favorite - in Poland there was Schmolz.  On Maury, there was a baby named Snoog (not a joke).  What a kind gesture for a mother to name her 6th born son "Snoog."  I'm guessing she was a Snoop Dogg fan and combined the two names.  Hell, even Snoop changed his name to Snoop Lion.  He's on some kind of Jamaican Rastafarian kick these days.  Good for him.

In Estonia, there was Vavara.  In France, Tendrara.  On Maury, we have Uniqua (pronounced you-knee-kwuh) and Sheberta.  Personally, I like the name Sheberta.  Think of it as in-between course mini orange sherbet.  Maybe there's a future for some kind of sorbet at McDonalds.  If everyone were to share an entree, say 20 piece Chicken McNuggets, McRib sans bun, filet o' fish (again with no bun)... well, it loosely resembles an upscale tasting menu. 

Trust me, this goes way beyond the urban African American culture.  It extends deep into the land of the whitey.  West Virginia Northern Panhandle - I'm lookin' straight atcha. 

As I've been saying, all babies are precious.  So much so, that I named my daughter "Precious."  It could have been worse.  I almost spelled it Preshuss.  I just didn't want her to be confused with that doggie in Silence of the Lambs.

Every baby is a gift from God.  In fact, rumor has it that one infant was named "Bay-Bee."  That's right.  Just in case you're overwhelmed by the joys of parenting and forget the actual newborn status.  

I also like the new breed of names that represent states of existence.  Of course, you have the ingenious "Heaven" and backwards spelled "Neveah."  The latter is VERY popular.  Although, doesn't the name itself imply the exact opposite.  That being hell.  This does make sense, because in all likelihood, Neveah will be condemned to a hellish existence.

Treasure, Virginity, Innocence, Tolerance, Eternity and even Pubescence.  These names have more of a caucasian-trash feel.  Saffy like.  Sometimes, I physically ache for a Mulva.  Dare to dream.

Even better are the compound names... Liberty Bell and Eternal Flame are fine examples.  If you wish, feel free to throw in a hyphen (Vas-Deferens has a nice Jeffrey Dahmer-Swedish vibe).  Gang Banger has a nice ring to it.  Perfect for a thuggish, matronly adviser to the adult entertainment industry.

If you're a morbidly corpulent black woman, how about you try an apostrophe?  It will distinguish your kid from all the others.  Why go with Tanisha when you have the legal opportunity to name the child Ta'anisha?  All these new, culturally urban prefixes... La, Sha, Ja, Mo, Ka.  Perhaps the day will come when all the surnames become one.  They'll merge into a unilateral name of triumph... Lashamokita.  Sounds like a tasty caffeinated beverage served aboard public transit.

I recall this one baby on Maury.  His name was "King James."  When the customary backstage photo was displayed on the widescreen, the mother gazed proudly and stated,  "Yeah, that's my baby Murray.  That's right.  I crowned him king.  Yeah Murray."  From a Povich historical perspective, I believe this to be a shining moment.

Does anyone remember when Prince became the "Artist formerly known as the Treble Clef / Symbol of Love".

I'm surprised this never caught on.  Because if you're allowed to use an apostrophe, the possibilities are endless.  There's all kinds of symbols out there and if the current climate of parenthood is any indication, now could be the time for the "Prince trend" to reemerge.

+enta is Placenta

%iah = Percentia
or
% illah  = Percentilla

=itty becomes Equality

*ia is Asteriskia

/inka = Slashinka (sounds like Treblinka, a well known Polish concentration camp)

$ondra could be Cashondra

It's just a matter of time before someone latches onto this concept.  The precedent was established long ago.

How about using the infamous heart symbol?  ♥ E Stu.  That turns into one of those eccentric compound names... Hearty Stew.  As a fan of vegetables and non-kosher meats, this one has an inexplicable panache that could be attributed to a Pittsburgh Jewish yinzer fatso.  Oy-vey.  The days of "the Bubby" ended long ago.  Maybe the Jews and the blacks will soon unite.  And on that sacred day, Yarmulka will become Yummika.  Can you tell that I'm prepping a batch of matzoh ball soup for the Pens-Fleyers game tomorrow night?  Not just those mundane Jew balls.  I'm gonna throw in some chicken, celery, carrots, parsnips and an onion.  Parsnips?  Damn straight.  It will be yummika.

So Saf... what puts you at the forefront of this "unique name" movement.  You don't have any children.  For the love of Allah, you've never even changed a diaper!
But here's what you don't know.  I've already been there, done that.  Back in 2005, I NEARLY persuaded a girl from Bellaire, Ohio to name her baby girl "Chlamydia."  Can one even begin to fathom the glory?  Chlamydia from Bell-Dirty.  Perhaps one day.  One day.     

This ain't some urban legend "Lemonjello / Orangejello" bullshit myth.  Chlamydia could've been the real deal.  I was closer than the 49ers winning a 6th Superbowl.  Viva Le Steelers!

Dark Star Orchestra, 2-12-13, Carnegie Music Hall

In 1971, I was one.  So I didn't make the road trip to New Haven for this Dead show. 

Grateful Dead
July 31, 1971
New Haven, CT
Yale Bowl

Set List:

Truckin'
Sugaree
Mr. Charlie
Mama Tried
Big Railroad Blues
Playing In The Band > Dark Star > Bird Song
El Paso
Hard To Handle
Loser
Me And Bobby McGee

Bertha
Big Boss Man
Me And My Uncle
Deal
China Cat Sunflower > I Know You Rider
Sing Me Back Home
Sugar Magnolia
Casey Jones
Not Fade Away > Goin' Down The Road Feeling Bad > Jam > Not Fade Away

* Uncle John's Band > Johnny B. Goode 


Fortunately, the good people of Dark Star Orchestra were kind enough to recreate this "gem."  I use that term loosely.  Because my taste in the Dead is VERY specific.  I only listen to 1985 >1990.  Generally speaking, I have a low tolerance for early 1970's stuff.  The sound is just way too dreamy.  There's virtually no punch, no cohesion to the set lists of that era.  Everything meanders around like a dumbshit seeking a license renewal who shows up at the West Virginia Dept. of Motor Vehicles with no identification.  You'd think a library card in tandem with a Golden Chopsticks frequent lunch special ticket would be ample proof of your identity.  You would be mistaken.  Identity theft is serious shit.  Even if you're some toothless, backwoods hick from Sistersville.  But I digress.

Amanda drove this one.  Payback for the slew of Starlake concerts I hauled her to in 1999 or 2000 or whatever summer that was.  A decade ago, Amandasar was my scalping protege.  
My favorite tale of lore... In 2003, we were at a Poison concert.  We're in our usual position, milling around at the top of the steps by the main gate.  The police were in the act of arresting some miscreant.  As the guy was cuffed and being led to the cruiser, Amanda stepped into the fray...

Amanda: "Excuse me officer, is he going to the concert?"
Pig: "No ma'am.  He's going to jail!"
(Keep in mind, this guy has blood streaming down his face.) 
Amanda:  "Well, if that's the case, can I have his ticket?"
Pig:  "Uhhh, I dunno.  That would be up to him."
Bloody dude: "Yeah, she can have it.  It's in my back pocket.  I can't get to it.  My hands are cuffed"
Amanda:  As she physically reaches in the guy's jean pocket and extracts the ticket.  "Thank you very much!"  (Jubilantly holding the ticket high in the air) "Look Saf, I just scored a freebie!"

The only thing missing was a cartoon caption that read "YOINK!!!" (during the ticket extraction process).

It was at this precise moment...  I knew that "student had become teacher."

The Karate Kid, Part II (1986) - Memorable quotes

Sato: [smiles at Miyagi] Your student become my teacher. 
[shouts] Sato: O-bon will be held in castle, now and forever! [Cheering. Sato and Daniel shake hands] 

So back to last night... 10 years later in 2013.
Accompanying us was another Wheeling couple, Holly and Jimmy.  They were kind enough to surrender shotgun and we pulled out around 6:30 pm.  I regaled everyone with the routine discussion of stampedes and death by crush asphyxiation. 

So we got turned around a little bit.  Never a good idea in Homestead.  Even gun toting Ted "Nutella" Nugent would be scared of this kill-zone.  Not a huge deal though.  We made it into the venue pretty much as the band took the stage.  From the early notes of Truckin', I immediately sensed it was going to be one of "those" shows (super early, hippified 70's).  A lengthy Sugaree confirmed my suspicions.  Glancing at the set list, I think my personal highlight was "Me and My Uncle."  Kind of an odd choice considering the Dead used to play that song ad nauseum.  The "Big Railroad Blues" took me back to a 1992 summer Starlake show.  That may have been the only time I heard them play that tune.
Two of my favorite Dead tunes are "Loser" and "Deal"... but not these early, exhausting renditions. 


Strangely enough, the original show may have coincided with my birthday which falls on August 1.  I could envision that concert in the Yale Bowl lasting well past midnight.  I'm sure the ivy league hippies of the Nixon administration would have concurred... it was a long one.  So anyway, you might consider this a potential birthday miracle show.  Dare to dream...
But alas, there would be no miracle ticket last night.  I paid the full $25 admission fee.  I'm okay with this.  DSO is worth $25.  Though at the $30 mark, I'd start to get a little squeamish.  

When it comes to concerts, I'm usually a big fan of the old school theaters.  I enjoy the acoustics and the throwback setting.  Makes things vastly more entertaining than a concert at the newly refurbished, excessively vacuumed Wheeling Island Ballroom.  But the staff were just too obtrusive.  They're a little aggressive when it comes to shining flashlights and admonishing people for standing in the aisles.   It makes you wonder how they act when there's a hard rock band.  I gave serious thought to hitting up Queens of the Stone Age when they came there a few years back.  I have trouble envisioning how that crowd would've functioned.  Old lady ushers desperately trying to squelch stage diving and mosh pit antics?  That's a recipe for disaster.

I had a good time, but in retrospect, I might finally be done with DSO.  Unless I can be assured in advance they'll play a show from the late 80's.  But as we all know, when it comes to the magic spontaneity of the Dead, or in this case, DSO...

New York Islanders to win the 2013 Stanley Cup?

Saf, what the fuck?  Are you kidding me?  The New Jerk Highlanders?  You really think they could win the Stanley Cup in 2013?

Well perhaps.  But give me a chance to explain.

First and foremost.  The Islanders aren't playing in this colossal dump anymore.

That's a picture of the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum.  If ever a venue needed to be memorialized, this is it.  You gotta love the dented orange barrel out front.  I used to really enjoy knocking those things over on the way out of Starlake.

So yeah.  That's right.  They made the move from the central Long Island to some splashy new digs in Brooklyn.  The brand new Barclays Center is ranked as the most glitzy, decadent arena in the NHL (and possibly the United States).  Sorry Pittsburgh fans.  I realize that's not very consoling.

Check out this place.

I don't think it takes those Penn and Teller Super-Focus glasses.  If you can't see the transition and acknowledge that it's a new day for the Islanders, perhaps you'd be better off pledging your undying allegiance to the Wheeling Nailers.   And the inside of the Barclays Center has more luxury boxes than fracking wells in the state of West Virginia.  They serve sushi, lobster rolls, caviar, cognac... You name it, they got it.  Much better than the Wesbanco Arena menu featuring soft pretzel, hot dog and Bud Light.

And not only is it completely over-the-top, but it's the brain-child of megalomaniac, hip-hopper Jay-Z.  He's pretty much the owner/boss/manager.  If you're unaware, he's married to the superstar Beyonce.  I think she just had his baby.  So Jay-Z is also baby daddy.  Beyonce just finished up with the presidential inauguration (albeit lip-synched) and is half-timing the Superbowl tonight.

Now if you know me, you know one thing for shizzle.  I'm the last person who gets all gizz-jazzed up over the psycho-celebrity culture which is America.  I can't even tell the difference between a John Corbett and a Mr. Big (somewhat true).  I can't tell the difference between Liza Minnelli and licorice minestrone.  And just if you're wondering... the answer is yes.  Gigi and watched Sex in the City II last Sunday.  Honestly, it really wasn't that bad.

So back to the Islanders.  They were listed as second to last in the NHL Stanley Cup race.  Last place is the Columbutt Blue Jackets at 150-1.  The Isles were listed at 75-1 or 100-1.  If you're curious, the Penguins and other top teams are usually somewhere in the 8-1 or 12-1 range.

But hey, this is an abbreviated season.  So I think it lends itself to a young, upstart team getting hot early and going on a streak.  Plus, it's the NHL where just about every team makes the playoffs.  So once you're in, you got a shot.

Disclaimer:  I'm not really a big hockey fan.  I catch some of the regular season games... but I'm hardly an addict.  And I almost never analyze or read NHL news.  I have a hard time taking professional hockey that seriously.  Well, until the playoffs start.  How pathetic - I'm a playoff band-wagoner.  At least I'll admit it.  And for the record, I'm also not a wannabe who rushes to Dick's and blows $100 bucks on a knock-off Crosby jersey (lame).

Another thing, I was checking out the attendance figures.  When the Islanders were playing in the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum, they had some of the worst attendance figures in the league.  But right now, they're even outselling the New York Rangers at the Garden.  Not by much, but isn't that special.

The Barclays Center is the biggest, new hot spot in New York City in all da five burrows.  I checked out some of the upcoming shows.  Multiple Gaga's, a couple Rihanna's and even the Beibs is coming to town.  And there's a ton of New Jersey Nets games too.  Lest ye forget.  They relocated as well.  East Rutherford can suck it.

My point is this.  With Jay-Z being a self-professed playa and all, I doubt he'd have much tolerance for a habitually losing franchise.  I think it's reasonable to assume that he wants to remake the Nets and even the Islanders in his glorified image.

I know it's early, but the Islanders are at the top of the standings.

Eastern Conference

Atlantic		GP	W	L	OT	PTS	ROW	GF	GA	HOME	AWAY	L10
	Pittsburgh	8	5	3	0	10	4	24	19	1-2-0	4-1-0	5-3-0
	NY Islanders	7	4	2	1	9	4	27	23	1-1-0	3-1-1	4-2-1
	New Jersey	7	3	1	3	9	3	17	19	2-0-1	1-1-2	3-1-3
	NY Rangers	8	4	4	0	8	4	19	22	3-2-0	1-2-0	4-4-0
	Philadelphia	9	3	6	0	6	3	21	26	2-1-0	1-5-0	3-6-0

And I think everyone would agree that the Atlantic division is the toughest in the NHL.
So yeah, maybe the Islanders could be a decent long shot. 

And while I don't participate in illegal gambling anymore (with the exception of purchasing 2 $5.00 squares on G Max's crappy Superbowl board - he gave me great numbers).  Look at this shit.  I got 2,9 and 2,5.

 ... allow me to finish.  Yeah.  That's great.

Ravens 19
San Fransisco 22

Better yet... how about an all-field goal Super Bowl?

San Francisco 12
Ravens 15

Honestly, I think there's a better chance for an artificially generated stampede. 

One last thought... there's some guy from somewhere who submitted one of those homemade SuperBowl commercials.  It's for a Doritos contest.  This dude looks exactly like a younger version of Wheeling's own Jeff Radosevich.  Judge for yourself.

I stole this more current picture of him off facebook.  Not sure of the circumstance, but it's him with mayor Bloomberg. 

INSANE.  He currently loves in NYC, so this ties nicely together with the whole Islanders/Brooklyn crap.

Hope everyone enjoys the game tonight.  And I'm on record for this.  It is morally acceptable to root for the Baltimore Ravens.  

Let's say...

Ravens 31
49ers 27

Sweet Brown will join Beyonce for the Superbowl 2013 halftime show

Oklahoma City's Sweet Brown was interviewed by the local news when she narrowly escaped a raging inferno.  What began as a 20 second interview quickly turned into a viral remix sensation.  As of right now, this thing has been viewed over 16 million times.  I'll happily admit, I've watched it several times.  It's pretty darn amusing.

Not quite sure what it is about Miss Brown.  That down-home Midwest hospitality?  Her desire to obtain a cold pop?  The manner in which she invoked a festive barbecue?  Her inclination to redundantly praise her lord and savior (JC)?  I think it's the culmination of all these things combined with her jovial disposition.

The remix is strong, although it gets a tiny bit stale after the third time.  You gotta love the subliminal (dream sequence) inclusion of Antoine Dobson who has been parodied in similar fashion.

There seems to be this fascination with regular, but slightly eccentric, individuals with larger than life personalities.  America wants to know... who's gonna be the next big thing that sprang from nothing?  We call it the "emerging from carpet" phenomenon.  It's not enough just to rise through the ranks of The Biggest Loser or one of those outlandish talent shows.  We need them to become instant superheroes.  Seriously, these days, who else is gonna raise the roof?  Mitch McConnell?  Harry Reid?  Ughhh.

So here's the deal.  I think this year's Superbowl will have a Hollywood hook.  It's simply the trajectory of the entertainment world and how producers seek to dominate the water-cooler conversation the next day.  Every year, it's the same thing.  "How we gonna top last year?  What could we try that's fresh and unprecedented?"  Well I think I've stumbled onto something.

Beyonce is the halftime entertainment.  And I doubt she'll do a repeat of the lip-synching after the Obama inauguration flap.  I've checked out some of the unusual gambling props (proposition bets) for the big game.  You can wager on what song she'll open with?  Will she be joined by iconic husband Jay Z?  Will she expose her nipple a la Janet Jackson?  etc.

Well, I have this strange hunch that the time is right for her to be joined on stage by a special, mystery guest.   And my hunch is that it will be the newest, identifiable internet sensation "Sweet Brown."  They could do a crazy-in-love duet and utilize her infamous "ain't nobody got time for that" lyrics.

Now you might be asking the question, "Saf, why would you care?"  And "aren't you slightly embarrassed to admit that you've given the Beyonce halftime show any thought whatsoever?"  Perhaps.  But I just wanted to be on the record with this one.  I think it's mostly based on the "timing" of this whole Sweet Brown thing.  Whoever made that spoof remix had really good timing.  And the quality is fantastic, but not overly technical as it might arouse suspicion.  It just seems to me that Miss Brown being thrust into the national spotlight has this grander purpose.  Maybe I've grown overly cynical.  Saf, seriously man... can't you just appreciate the unbridled joy of this woman who vented about her bronchial condition?  The answer - Well yeah... maybe 5 or 10 years ago when I was less jaded.  Nowadays, I question everything.

And for the record, I'm amazed the spread opened at San Fransisco (-4).  I honestly thought it would be a pick.  Even thought it's claimed that all the sharps in Vegas are backing San Fran, I'd take Baltimore and Ray Lewis.  They seem more like the team of destiny after the heroic Denver win and the Brady beat-down (both road games in very challenging environments).

Ravens 31
San Fransisco 27

the smartest person I know

My brother Bennett is easily the smartest person I know.  He has an incredible knack for sizing up the pros and cons of any argument, any situation and relaying the key points of both sides.  He also has a remarkably tempered demeanor.   And he listens with unparalleled observation skills.  He understands the consequences of action, of inaction.

So here is an artistic rendition.  Just for the record, this ain't no Kennywood caricature.  This is him in the Supreme Court of the United States.  He's seated just below the shoulder blade of the standing attorney.  The guy with the beard.

 
In the 2012 case of Reichle vs. Howards, my brother led the way to a unanimous 8-0 verdict.  Justice Elizabeth Kagan sat this one out.

Lance Armstrong autographed 1994 Motorola annual report

In light of the ongoing Lance Armstrong doping controversy, I thought I'd let the word know I'm in possession of this signed memorabilia.   This is an authentic 1994 Motorola annual report signed by the entire 1994 Motorola cycling team.  It's in very good > excellent condition.  On a scale of 1-10, I'd give it a 9.1 - The discoloration is purely the result of the scan.

 

 

Armstrong's autograph is in the upper right hand corner.  I met the team while they were staying at Oglebay Park.  They were in town (Wheeling, WV) for an event known as the K-Mart Classic. 

I'd be willing to let it go, but I must say... it's an incredibly unusual item to the right collector.  Considering its uniqueness, I think it deserves commensurate compensation.   Feel free to contact me if you happen across this post.

On an unrelated note, my deepest sympathy if you've held stock in Motorola the past 20 years.  Fortunately, I let go of mine ages ago.  It's truly the technological dog of the Dow.

The moral question of the universe

Is it ever acceptable, under any circumstance, to root for the Baltimore Ravens?  Over the weekend, I gave this a great deal of thought.  The answer is a surprisingly simple "yes."

If the Ravens are playing Jerry Jones and the Dallas Cowboys...  Well, of course.  It's an established fact that whenever someone boos the Cowboys, an angel gets its wings.  Even diehard atheists and agnostics will testify to this one.  It's a no-brainer.  Cheering for the Cowboys, is like applauding the Westboro Baptist Church.  Let me put it in a local context - it's like cheering for the Steubenville Big Red rape crew.

This same general theory applies to the New England Patriots and Tom Brady, but to a lesser extent.  There is a sliding scale here.  There is a justifiable, moral equivalence.  I mean... it IS acceptable to hope for a Belichick win... IF, AND ONLY WHEN, they are playing Dallas.

If the Ravens are playing Cincy, it gets a little murkier.  I'd say it's a toss-up.  Like the aging members of Fleetwood Mac say, "you can go your own way."

What if they're playing the Browns?  Then what?  Well, I don't know about you, but I'd tend to side with the non-threatening Cuyahoga county crew. 

The Ravens victory over the Broncos in the divisional round was easily one of the most exciting games I've ever seen.  A total shoot-out with a last ditch hail mary (mother of god) with about 30 seconds left to force overtime.  Followed by a crazy field position battle for 15 minutes.  And then into a 2nd OT.  And of course, everyone's favorite all-American, apple pie consuming quarterback throwing a brutal interception.  And then a rookie kicker, nails a 49 yarder in the freezing, thin air of Investment Mile High.  I had friends (Susan and Q) in attendance.  They made the trek from Baltimore.  I'm sure they'd confirm that you could've heard a pin drop.  Sometimes silence truly is golden.

I found myself jumping out of my semi-reclined, office chair.  Utter joy.  But why was I celebrating the Denver loss?  After all, my immediate family lives in Denver (although my brother has zero interest in NFL football).  His wife has even less concern.  I'm not entirely sure where my niece Shira stands on this one.  Their family dog "Dassy" (pronounced Dah-see) is likely the most supportive.

I thought about it some more.  I've never really been "anti-Denver."  Always liked Shanahan, Elway, even Bolen (ownership).  My brother's firm represented the original ownership (Edgar Kaiser family) in a lawsuit against the Bolen family about 10 years ago.  I forget the details, but I'm pretty sure they came out on the losing end.

Like I said, I not "be hatin" on the Broncos, even though they bounced us in the wildcard round last year.  And the self-professed NFL god-boy, Tim Tebow was at the helm.  It still didn't seem to bother me that much.  At least not as much as other playoff losses.

So just what is it that turned me into a Ravens fan?  Behold the answer...

This has got to be the most frustrating 30 seconds in the history of commercial television.
Calling Papa Bear... Hut-Hut!  I-70, orange barrel alert...  Re-Rout!  Re-Rout!  Country music... sucks my dick.  I'm a faggot.  Suck it.  Suck it.

And just what type of flashy automobile is Peyton Manning cruising around in?  A Buick Verano???  I think his talents would have been far better suited for the legendary Oldsmobile Cutlass.  For the love of God, who's the target audience here?  Hip geriatrics in a nursing home?  "Say-your-prayers, eat-your vitamins" Hulk Hogan fans from the mid 80's?  The team who produced all those ABC after-school specials?

Although I'm non-committal in aligning myself with spiritual deities, I'll be praying for the Baltimore upset (+9.5) next week in Foxborough.  Speaking of Foxborough, Massachusetts, I've never seen a city misspelled so often on Grateful Dead bootlegs.  I swear to god, on every single cassette tape I've ever owned, it's spelled "Foxboro." 

I wish Seattle had won on Sunday.  It would've forced the NFC Championship game to be played in San Francisco.  It's not that I dislike the Falcons and their Home Depot subsidiaries.  I just prefer to see the big games played outdoors.  Dome championship games are the equivalent of McRib.  Just when you think they ain't part of the equation, they reemerge.  Sucked.

I was surprised to see the opening line.  Atlanta is a +3.5 home dog.  Yes... I realize the 49ers are on a tear and Colin Kaepernick is the new and improved Tebow-inspiration substitute of 2013.  He's got dual 10 Commandment arm tattoos.

Behold the new and improved cross of purity.  If that doesn't spell devotion, I don't know what does.  Still, they're traveling cross country to play in the dome.  Hotlanta's home record speaks for itself.  I suppose you could argue the emotional let-down after the last second field goal victory over the Seahawks.  I just think eventually the rookie qb falters.  All good things...   

I also think the Ravens line is too high.  Don't play the no-respect card with the thug Ravens.  If I was a gambling man, I'd take the Ravens to win (straight-up).  Why take them to cover?  If you're big on Baltimore, take the action points or the generous money line.  The Falcons-Niners game... I dunno.  Regardless, here's to hoping for a Harbaugh Superbowl.  Certainly makes for a better story line.  Anyone hoping for a New England-Atlanta Superbowl has no soul (even though I picked it on my playoff bracket).  Ohhh, the irony.

Either way, I'll be hosting.  Stop on up.  I'm making the traditional vat of vegan wedding soup loaded with meatballs and possibly chicken.  Additional irony.

It's time for a change in Steubenville

IF the perpetrators in the Steubenville rape case are ultimately found guilty in a court of law.  And IF the allegations of a cover-up are proven to be true beyond any reasonable doubt...

I will concede that this is a tough one because some kids are idiots.  I know this because at one time, I was both a kid AND an idiot.  And although I reeked my fair share of havoc, I never conceived of doing anything like this.  Trust me, that's just the tip of the iceberg.  Of course, I didn't grow up in the internet culture either.  I didn't have instant access and exposure to some of the most vile stuff on the planet earth.  Still, when human beings commit unspeakable, intolerable acts of cruelty... when a pervasive mob mentality intimidates those would seek to expose the truth... there must be accountability.  

I believe there could be room for a new historical precedent here.  I'm not talking about suspending the football team, levying fines, retroactive discipline, sanctions and all the routine methods of punishment.  I'm talking about dissolving the name "Big Red."  As far as I'm concerned, the Jefferson County Board of Education with input from the city of Steubenville and its citizens can devise a new name.  With the eyes of the world watching, it would send a powerful message.  It would be a constant reminder that the people of Steubenville decided enough was enough.  It would be a tangible display that every once in a while, a total overhaul of the system needs to take place.

I'm actually viewing it from the perspective of a Steubenville parent at future games.  Who in their right mind would want to stand up and applaud, cheer and celebrate the good fortune of a team that tacitly endorsed a culture supportive of underage gang rape?   How could a rational, empathetic adult not feel utter shame, embarrassment and humiliation?  Just the mere thought of extending a congratulatory handshake...  "Great job.  Way to go! We love you, coach!" 

The city of Steubenville has a historically atrocious record when it comes to corruption, police brutality and suppression of human rights.  Just check them out on wikipedia and you'll see what I'm talking about.  It extends way beyond some rinky-dink police department.  Their culture is poison.  It is exactly the reason Anonymous got involved.  The justice system afforded the victim(s) was a colossal failure.  This city needed a savior.  And while most of its citizens think Jesus Christ is sufficient and punishment will be meted out in heaven or hell... this time, that just ain't gonna cut it. 

Oddly enough, in this day and age, some of these heroes will remain unidentifiable.  They are people that do not seek adoration, compensation or acknowledgment.  They do what they do because they believe in right and wrong.  They have little or zero interest in money or fame.  Their actions run in direct contrast to societal norms.  They act because they believe in principles of human decency and wish to hold humanity to a higher standard. 

With the eyes of the world watching and small-town Steubenville under an intense microscope, I believe the time has come for its residents to rise to the occasion.  It would be a catharsis for the entire community.  Kind of an all-encompassing cleansing and inevitably, a symbolic part of the healing process.  As I said, they should establish a new precedent and dissolve the name "Big Red." 

High school football will continue.  Life will go on.  After all, it's just a name.  And although it might not change everyone's attitude, it will give everyone involved with this tragedy an opportunity for self-reflection.  It would be that one defining moment in a sleepy mid-western town where people came to the realization that maintaining the status quo was unacceptable.  It was time to "change the way of things."
 

Steubenville Big Red Rape Song

I did not attend the Steubenville protest yesterday.
I will go to the one next week.

I've been blogging my thoughts for about 8 years.  I'm willing to concede that most of the stuff I've written is unconventional.  If I were a normal resident of the Ohio Valley, I'd be writing about...

my family
going to church
getting drunk
filing a lawsuit
community garage sales
the Oglebay Festival of Lights
Jamboree in the Hills

but most important...

vicariously reliving your high school football glory days through the on-field heroics of your sons.

So in honor of our warped society and hero-driven culture, I wrote a parody of the Big Red chewing gum commercial.

No high school football team rapes young girls like Big Red.

"So rape a little longer
Tweet a little longer
Abuse a little longer
Longer with Big Red
That Big Red offense blasts into it
Hurt and pain goes on and on
While they screw it
so if you rape them a little longer
You'll think you're bigger and stronger
Do your crime, not do the time... with Big Red!"

Just for reference purposes, here's the chewing gum lyrics....

No little cinnamon gum freshens breath longer than Big Red

"So kiss a little longer,
Laugh a little longer,
Stay close a little longer
Longer with Big Red!
That Big Red freshness lasts right through it,
Your fresh breath goes on and on,
While you chew it!
say goodbye a little longer,
Make it last a little longer,
Give your breath long lasting freshness with Big Red!"  

Occupying Steubenville from West Virginia: Roll Red Roll

I'm not going to rehash the entire Steubenville football team/high school alleged gang rape incident.  I don't think it takes a genius to surmise what happened.  Most of the relevant information can be seen here...

http://rutube.ru/video/654b50b2fc18f85171ee022f6f0793d3/#.UN8BbOYmYy5

There's little on the internet that can send chills down my spine.  The above link would prove a definite exception.   

What a bizarre world we live in.  I'm just deeply appreciative to be "occupying" the planet during this coming of age (technology-wise) and observing the Anonymii application of justice.  I think what fascinates me is the concept of superempowerment by an individual who does not seek credit, fame or fortune.  Someone being called to action based solely on doing what is morally "right."  It just runs in complete juxtaposition to everything our hypercapitalistic society deems worth of merit. I find myself incredibly humbled to be witnessing this new brand of "technological vigilante justice and retribution."  

There's simply no way to adequately convey my appreciation for these masked masqueraders.  My only complaint - I wish they'd use a different mask.  There was this old school pro wrestler... Mil Mascaras.  I realize it's mostly silver, but his would be the gold standard.

His personality in the ring would blend well with the Anonymous collective.  He was a high-flying, acrobatic, scientific wrestler.  An all-around good guy or as they used to call them "baby-faces" (as opposed to bad guys, or "heels").  Perhaps even more so than early 80's WWF champ, Bob Backlund.  Now that's saying something.

I do have a strong hunch that there will inevitably be a tipping point.  A moment in time where one of these Anonymous characters goes too far.  Something goes horribly wrong and there's an incredible backlash against the group and/or one of its hacking affiliates (Nightsec, script kiddies, etc.).  As with any government or rebellion, one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter and vice versa.  And the concept of an internal war within an anonymous organization truly baffles the mind. 

I had planned to attend the protest today.  But the weather is just not cooperating.

Like I said, it's a bizarre world we live in...

* when I have this burning, unyielding desire to visit downtown Steubenville.
* when I find myself actually "praying" that I don't end up regretting my non-attendance.

Fortunately there's another protest scheduled for next Saturday, January 5.  

If a legitimate member of Anonymous ever comes across this blog, please know that you guys and gals are my heroes.  I'd love to join "the hive," but my computer skills are worthless.  Also, there's the comical notion of being denied admittance to a group that relies entirely on an open-sourced invitation policy.

And here's an idea for any of you creative writers/computer geeks.  Use that Big Red chewing gum commercial and do a Weird Al style sick-parody of the incident.  Further tarnish and destroy the "stellar reputation" of the Steubenville high school football program.  Can you even fathom singing it in the traditional, choppy Anonymous vocal styling? 

Very catchy tune.  The lyrics are easily adaptable.  If you want, just email me and we'll collaborate.  I'll probably write it while I watch the WVU game this afternoon.  How cool is it that we're playing in Yankee Stadium?

I'll post the lyrics tomorrow.   

So here's a link for the live stream.   Like they often say, "we'll be watching."

Christmas in Wheeling, West Virginia

Top 10 ways to celebrate a "renegade Christmas" in Wheeling, West Virginia

10) Have a very, huffy Christmas.
 
With a sprig of mistletoe in hand, follow around local celebrity Patrick Tribett on his auto-erotic asphyxiatory journeys from Bridgeport to Bell-Dirty.  On the West Virginia side, it's a huffer's expedition from Benwood to McMechon.  But either way, it's truly a Christmas miracle.  Whether you wish to wrap your lips around this newer (12-13-12), more subtle golden pucker-upper...

or perhaps you'd prefer an old-school (2-5-12), muggalicious silver smoochie...

Looks like The Trib has put on a few pounds.  Regardless, the choice is yours.  Tangible proof that daddy did indeed see mommy kissing Santa Claus.

And just a slightly related side note - I've been accused of kissing other women.  But it's actually from picking at the label of a Coors Light bottle.  When I think of you, I touch myself (and my face).  Consequently, I get a nice schmear of Color-A-Dolf, Hitler infused, Jew-glitter.

9) The Revenge of Slashy McSlasherson

It happens every year and I'll gladly accept the blame.  Vandalism reports aplenty.  Some teenage miscreant goes on a holiday knifing spree.  Ohhh, for the love of humanity.  Who would do such a thing?  Well... I have that impulse.  I have that desire.  I have those same hopes and dreams.  To see the lifeless, flaccid remains of Santa

or even better, a family of Frosties (not Wendy's).

8) Militaristic vision of Elves on Shelves (first generational warfare version)

Those Elf on a Shelf things seem to be making a big comeback.  Every mom from Wheeling to Weirton is posting pics on facebook.  Look... Keebler the Elf is baking cookies.  Scummy the Elf is cleaning the bathtub.  Or my personal fav - Brownie the Elf is going potty!

The joy is both unbridled and heartfelt.

Does anyone recall the scene from Braveheart where they're contemplating strategies to withstand a charge of heavy horse? 

---

William: We'll make spears. Hundreds of them, long spears. Twice as long as a man.

Hamish: That long?

William: Aye.

Hamish: Some men are longer than others.

Campbell: Your mother been telling you stories about me again, eh?

But I have a different vision.  I see a dutiful army of Christian elves before me, here in defiance of tyranny.  When the indoctrinated hordes show up at St. Mike's for midnight mass... my elves will stand united.  Think in terms of the Battle at Stirling.  A Mel Gibson inspired elf-like leader appropriately named "MELF" will hold the line.

Here's how the battle plays out in my head.  A large blathering of generally obese, loud-sweater wearing Christians prepares to enter St. Mike's.  My army of elves prepares itself for a sacred onslaught.

Hold... Hold... Hold...  NOW!   Witness the horrific collision.  All that's left behind is strewn-about, entangled crucifixes and assorted gaudy jewelry.  Also, a sea of khakis and blood-splattered fur coats.  The darkness of night helps to mitigate the visual carnage.

You needn't watch the entire 2 minutes.  (It's a strange edit.)

7) Libations of non-kosher wine and consumption of non-kosher swine 

History has witnessed the senseless violence in Pamplona, Spain.  Yep, it's the running of the bulls.

They use the same Drowning Pool song for a Benny Hinn miracle healing compilation.  Strong choice.

Anyway, the Spanish equivalent is referred to as the Wheeling Pampaloma virus.  It's the famed "running of the pigs."  It manifests itself in an abundant supply of Bob Evanzezes.  There's a new one in the Highlands.  There's one across the river in Fartin' Mary.  But ya gotta love the one in Woosdale.  Whenever I go there for breakfast, this older female waitress will inquire... "And your choice of breakfast meat?"  It's impossible for me to adequately describe her stifled, haunting inflection.  Her pale complexion reminiscent of the ghost of Christmas past.  Her frail, stylistic vocals remind me of the Life Alert woman that fell in the bathtub.  Consider it a crowning achievement in the realm of ghoulish holiday solo gospel/spoken word.

6) Stolen Baby

Didn't mean to freak you out.  Nobody stole a baby.  Well... that is unless baby Jesus counts. 

A poll of affected Moundsville residents was immediately commissioned by Governor Earl Ray Tomblin.  Turns out that 93% of repsondents would concur that stealing a baby Jesus from a nativity scene is the equivalent of stealing a real, live infant.  Good call.   

I must admit something.  I've been eying up those local manger scenes like a Pavlovian dog.  Salivating not only at the sight of baby jesus, but also the apostles (say that 5X fast).  Even some of the cloven-hoofed animals.  For just one brief second, I considered incorporating bestaiality into my hedonistic lifestyle.  But somebody else already stepped up to the plate.  We had that dude from Lafferty, Ohio.  He had sex with his neighbor's dog, albeit in 2005.

5)  Christmas Bigfoot

Many recall the tabloid heroics of Batboy.  Wheeling born.  Wheeling fed.  Wheeling bred.

But on the cusp of Batboy, another mythical creature has emerged.  It's an abominable yeti if you will.  Some kind of chronologically impaired neanderthal.  A genetic mutation gone woefully awry.  Comprised of two distinct entities, it is a force to be reckoned with.  It's name...  Krampagus


1 part Krampus (some excellent footage from the recent 2010 parade in Austria)

+

1 part Chrisagis Brothers (no explanation necessary, warranted, justified, etc.)

4) Oglebay Unplugged.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's all these arena rock bands that do "tamed down" acoustic shows.  Best exemplified by Kiss on MTV Unplugged in 1995.   That was some really lame shit.  Hey now, here's an idea.  How about we take the loudest, most melodramatic, obnoxious band to have ever graced the  planet earth and we'll bring them into the tranquil, sanctity of your living room?

Anyhoo, "Oglebay Unplugged" is an extrapolation in name only.  It would be quite a challenge to "dim down" the annual Festival of Shite(s).  You can't really filter out something with such artificial, pretentious vitality.  You just gotta head up and unplug all dat shit.

3) Ho fuckin' ho!

Christopher Moltisanti sums it up best in this season 2 Sopranos clip.  Tony's crew is trying to figure out who will play the role of Santa Claus for The Bing's annual Christmas party.

But In Wheeling, things are a little different.  In the higher elevations, it's beginning to look a lot like a venereal Christmas.  Not venerable I tell you.  We is talkin' venereal.  You see... a few years ago, there was an outbreak of chlamydia at a gentleman's establishment.  And I realize this will leave us all feeling a bit queasy/uneasy, but the outbreak was directly attributed to a stripper pole (not a Festivus pole... I assure you).  However, the townsfolk refused to remain sullen and complacent.  Instead, they embraced these rash, vaginalistic outbreaks with a certain corn-fed vigor.

In keeping with this new found tradition, they stepped up their collective game.  Billboards welcomed weary travelers to "Bell-Dirty Bellaire" or "Whorewood Warwood."  The city council of "Fondle Me Follansbee" hung up a politically correct banner... Have a Happy Herpes Holiday.  Round deez parts, it's called "keepin' it real."

2)  A 5K Kristmas

Usually there's a 5K race that coincides with all holiday celebrations.  Wheeling ain't no different.  You've heard of 'em.  The Freedom Run, The Turkey Trot, The Gobble Wobble, Santa's Sleigh Ride, The Red-Nosed Rudolph Run.

Fuck 'em all.  I propose a new 5K.  I would call it "The Godless Giddy-up"  But I also like "The Agnostic Traverse," and to a lesser extent, "The Secular Crawl."

1) Village People, Wheeling Island Casino, 12-28-12

Gonna do a little get-out-the-word effort for the big rock concert.  Some would call this guerrilla marketing.  I'd be inclined to agree.

WHEELING ISLAND HOTEL-CASINO-RACETRACK ANNOUNCES ITS NEW YEARS WEEKEND ENTERTAINMENT LINEUP!

Tickets on sale now for Village People and Hot Property!

Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack is hosting the biggest party of the year on New Year’s weekend offering three great nights of entertainment in the Wheeling Island showroom.  The party kicks-off with Village People on Friday, December 28 at 8pm. Reserved seating ticket prices are $35 and $30.

Hot-diggity!  Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but I do believe it to be factually correct.  I'm curious to see what the opening band is like.  They refer to themselves as "hot property."  Sounds like an evening of hokey-filled tomfoolery.  And ya know something... as far as the Village People go,  I was a little surprised to see the city of Wheeling facilitate the promotion of these blasphemous, hackneyed homos (cue..."Y.M.C.A.").  It's the billboard next to Long John Silver's on rt. 40.  There could very well be others.  All of this blatant sin???  And just while Wheeltowners are fully engulfed in the holiday shopping season???  Disgusting. 

So anyway, yeah.  I get it.  The Village People are coming to Wheeling Downs.  I would suggest printing some exclusive tour shirts.  Perhaps a picture of "the band" performing in front of a throng of fans (all of whom share the same affliction).  Lamentably yes, I am thinking of Down's syndrome.  

So watcha gonna do for the big night?  Here's what I would suggest.  In order to avoid a DUI, you'll likely need a stretch limo.  So the best choice would be to max out your $1,200 limit Discover card.  Hell, it's worth it.  Next up, "where we gonna eat?"  Hmmm, Wheeling Island Casino is unmatched for its endless variety of culinary choices.

• The Pointe
• The Buffet
• The Breezeway Cafe
• The Terrace Room
• THE FOOD COURT

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but they're all the same.  It's all Sysco Food Services.

Someone in the limo wants to get there asap so she can play the video slots.  Her lethargic voice proclaims, "They got good numbers over there!  Driver, git us to the Island!"

As you cross the famed Wheeling Island Suspension Bridge, the initial obstructive wave will come in the form of malnourished cats.  82% are stricken with feline leukemia.  Resembling the migration of the wildebeest along the Masai Mara, kittahs disperse in all directions.

Isn't that interesting?  A stampede of animals.  Crazy to acknowledge that human beings share the same genetically ingrained herding instincts?  Looks like further evidence of a compassionate and caring, nurturing and loving god.  Deities are so worthy of human praise.  Especially in the aftermath of Germany's aptly named Love Parade (2010).   22 dead, 500+ injured.  Or perhaps the 953 that perished in the Bagdad Al-Aaiimia Bridge stampede of 2005.  No big deal.  Just the largest single day loss of life during the Iraq War. 

Probably didn't hear about this one, huh?  Well, it's no wonder.  Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf a couple days before.  Kind of stole the news cycle.  Just something to contemplate.

This blog is a prime example of the uncensored thoughts conjured up by a snowed-in, atheist Jew from Wheeling, West Virginia.  So to all my Christian brethren... I ask you to stand with me united.  Stand in defense of the Israeli homeland and all who would seek her destruction.  Purge the Persian President Ahmadinejad.  Carry on with a policy of modern-day Palestinian apartheid.  Stand in defense of the land where Jesus was born, or where he died, or whatever.

In any event, Shalom.

gun control in the wake of Sandy Hook Elementary

Another one of those psychotic assholes just shot up a school.   Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Ct. - roughly 30 dead, mostly children.  All the customary emotions follow... despair, rage, etc.  This one's really bad because it involves defenseless, innocent children.  I've been analyzing the responses on facebook.  It's pretty much what you'd expect.  Some lash out.  Most offer prayers and sympathy.  When will humans understand that "nothing fails like prayer?"  Well... likely never.  And there's always this one idiot who posts something to the affect of, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people."  I call this "ill-timed douchebag" syndrome.

I suspect another week long debate about gun violence.  How it plagues the United States.  How we need to reign in the National Rifle Association.  Stricter background checks.  Greater enforcement.  Some idiot always comes up with the novel idea of mandatory guns for teachers so they can protect their classrooms.  All the usual back and forth.  Of course this lasts until another tragedy absorbs the news cycle.  Then it's back to business as usual.  When I say business, I'm specifically referring to MONEY.  Because for the vast majority, money is all that really matters.  

So Saf, what would you do about this never-ending mess?  Let me first state, I'm a supporter of the 2nd Amendment as stated in the Constitution.  It's a complex issue, but generally speaking I think it made sense back then and for the most part, still does.  Societies that don't let individuals arm themselves sometimes don't remain on the map.  The exception of course is these semi-automatic machine guns.  Of course I believe that one can do inconceivable, catastrophic damage without the use of any weapons whatsoever.  But this time I'll spare you the artificially generated stampede ramblings.

Over the years, I've come to the conclusion that you can cite all the statistics you want, but in the end it doesn't mean shit.  Because people will always believe what they want to believe.  You could explain how if there's a gun in the home, you're 43 more times likely to be the recipient of gun violence.  But in the end, it's just a statistic.  On the other hand, tell people that "Obama's gonna take your guns away."  Far more effective because it evokes a visceral reaction.  It's a lot like the spouse whose husband cheats all the time and she exclusively blames the other women.  Same phenomenon.  Most people believe what they want to believe, or what's easier to believe.  You can spew evidence and statistics til the poultry animals venture home to their respective McDonald's dipping sauces.  It just doesn't work because emotions generally trump wisdom.  Nothing new there.  Kind of explains why people eschew the theory of evolution in favor of the Garden of Eden... but I won't take you on that journey.

Okay Saf, so you're saying the battle between the NRA and the anti-gunners will continue unabated.  This is where it could get interesting, but never does.  That's because all the people who make it their life's mission to take on the NRA never go about it correctly.  They always go that same route.  Try and garner political support from the Democratic left.  Perhaps mobilize a PAC, run some anti-gun ads, elect liberal judges & politicians, etc.  Wrong.  Fail.  Lame.  Breaking News Alert -- you're never going to win this battle.  Not because your cause isn't morally just.  You'll always lose because there's NO MONEY to be had.  America is dominated by money and weapons.   Now if you lived in Finland or one of those elitist, enlightened Scandinavian countries, you might stand a chance.  But in the U.S.A.... no fuckin' way.

Please Saffy, tell us how you would destroy the NRA.  Well since you ask, I would take a vastly different approach from the norm.  I would try and promote division within the ranks.  I'd expose the internal divisions (rapidly approaching and/or already existing) within the NRA.  Pit them against each other and let them destroy themselves.  A decent analogy is the mainstream Republicans vs. the Tea Party.   

Tea Party idealogue Sarah Palin - You can never raise taxes.  There can never be universal healthcare.  Abortion is murder - Imprison the women and physicians.

Mainstream Republican House majority leader John Boener - We generally oppose tax hikes.  The U.S. already engages in some degree of socialized medicine.  We oppose abortion but realize it's the law of the land - So we'll try and chip away at it.

The Republican party is totally fucked right now because it doesn't stand united.  And there's your split.  If you asked the famed Art of Warrior Sun Tzu, "Hey there Sunny ZooZoo, I want to eliminate my enemies.  What would you suggest I do?"  He'd probably fire back,  Saffy McSaffershit, let me ask you this... Is there maybe a way you could sow the seeds of dissent and let your enemies destroy themselves?  See, this way you just get to sit back and watch."  After all, the best way to defeat your enemies is to have no enemies.

You see, the NRA is going to soon find themselves at a dangerous precipice, a definitive crossroads.  Allow me to explain.  There are 2 subset groups that run the NRA.  One group is dominated by the big money interests.  They support the right to bear arms because it enables them to make cold, hard cash.  They pay only lip service to the Second Amendment.  It's simply their convenient meal ticket (Note: Do not eat deli items from Convenient - there food is gross and their hot wings are really atrocious).  Even though they yap about the founding fathers and constitutional rights, they honestly could care less.  For them, money will always be the deciding factor. 

But there's also another faction within the NRA.  These are the rank and file.  The gun owners and enthusiasts, hunters and constitutional adherents.  They're the ones who truly believe in lofty principles.  For them, the right to own a gun is an issue that defines "who they are." I need a gun to defend myself, my family and my property. 

Enter homemade gun replication.  Saf, what the fuck are you talking about?  Well, I'm talking about the future of the gun industry.  There will come a time when people can easily manufacture and replicate knock-off weaponry.  I'm specifically referring to advancements within the 3-dimensional printing industry.  If you wish to explore this topic, my hero John Robb does a fine job.

As the do-it-yourself gun movement rapidly evolves, the NRA faction #1 will cry foul.  They will go to the U.S. government and say the following, "These new guns aren't safe.  They're too dangerous.  Terrorists will use them.  You need to do something about it."  They'll take action because homemade guns represent a clear and present danger, a direct threat to their monetary survival.  They'll start by demanding new registration guidelines and a crack down on unofficial guns. 

But across the aisle, yet in the same building, there's another faction of the NRA.  Let's call them the strict constitutionalists.  They will be VERY supportive of DIY gun manufacturing.  For them, it's not a matter of dollars... it's a matter of PRINCIPLE.

So here's what I would do.  Rather than hiring D.C. lobbyists, complaining about background checks and trying to persuade people to CHANGE their minds in favor of stricter gun laws, I would use an entirely different strategy.  I would foment an insurrection.  A revolt from within the "heart of the NRA."  Good god... did I just say the "heart" of the NRA?  I'd let them destroy each other while I sit back and eat chicken enchiladas (thanks Gigi).  
 
How would I do it?  I'd convince the real majority (NRA faction #2) that NRA faction #1 is the real enemy, an imminent threat to your constitutional right to bear arms.  Specifically, I'd start a grassroots political organization and advertise the hell outta the rift, over and over.  Those bastards only want you to buy their guns.  Remember, these are the proud hunters who wake up at 4am to sit in a freezing tree stand in the middle of nowhere.  Joe "six-pack" Blow is a dues paying, card carrying member of the NRA.  His father took him hunting.  Because his grandpappy Ulysses took him hunting.  And his great-granddaddy Zacariah took him hunting.  When the gun-owning majority concludes that the overseers running the NRA don't legitimately care about the common folk, they'll seek to distance themselves, or even better... form a new group.  And that's cuz it just got emotional.  Because stats don't mean shit, unless of course, you're a statistician.  I think Sun Tzu would agree with me on this one.