The Gift of the Chrisagii

The holidays are now upon us.  Somehow, someway... they magically return on a seemingly cyclical basis.  Personally, I've always thought that Americans are given the holidays to prevent civil unrest.  It's the only thing that keeps the commoners in line.  Seriously, if you take away the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years blitz, this country is gonna revolt in ways you cannot fathom. 

Every year I hear the same darn phrase "we need to put the Christ back in Christmas."  From an "atheist Jew, hedonistic kike" perspective, this means very little.  To me at least.  I know... I get it... you've got to steer clear of all that consumerism and commercialism.  That ain't what Jesus was all about.  From what I can surmise, he was about experiencing immeasurable suffering and excruciating torture.  Doused in the crimson passion of Mel Gibson.

Here's a bold idea.  Instead of all grade school Christmas plays, Keebler elves and manger scenes, let's bring Jesus out of the dark ages and into the new century. 

I think there should be a "reenactment" of the crucifixion, but in a more modern sense.  Yep, I'm talking about Jesus being water-boarded and forced to endure stress positions.  Also, subjected to a barrage of heavy metal (Slayer is this Wednesday) and prolonged isolation.  Similar stuff to what happened to the detainees in Zero Dark Thirty.  Maybe even stick him in the middle of that homo-inspired Abu Ghraib prison pyramid.  I won't post that photo (it really creeps me out... as it should).  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  The only thing worse than gay porn, is Middle Eastern gay porn (excessive pubic hair issues).  But in all honesty, don't these pics remind you of that special someone?

Anyhoo, Jesus would be deemed an "enemy combatant" and treated accordingly.  I think this has the makings of an off-off Broadway hit.  It's the same "Jesus died for your sins" narrative that we have all grown to know and love... but with a twist.  It's a whole new irreverent spin.  It needs a name though.  How about "Jesus FUCKING Christ?"  That might turn a head or two.

And there's no need to spend a ton of money on marketing and promotion.  Just let Fox News get a hold of the press release.   Palin, Hannity and O'Reilly would unknowingly do all the legwork.

Anyway, it was just a thought.  Feel free to run with it.  Drop me a line and I'll help with the script.  You probably think I'm kidding.  But I never joke about religion.  For it is mankind's ultimate sick comedy.

But as the holidays approacheth, here's what I'm really steamed about.  No... it's not the fact that every parent wants their toddler to sit on the lap of a mall store pedophile Santa.  No... it's not the 4-5 hour traffic jam for the Oglebay Festival of Lights Parade that interferes with entry and egress at the 19th Ho.  And no, it's not the further ramping up of the local police state in an effort to combat holiday drinking and driving.

Truth be told, I'm pissed off at the Chrisagis Brothers!  Make that fuming.  I have a bone to pick with the Chrisagii.  What the hell, Saf?  I thought you loved that zany duo!

Dec. 6
The Chrisagis Brothers Productions presents "The Gift Of The Chrisagii" with us, Ron Retzer, Jeff Garrison, Jennifer Galownia, and Bob Wolfe at the Strand Theater tickets are $10 each.  Please get your tickets early.  It is a night you will cherish bringing in the Season with music, joy, inspiration and celebrating Jesus like no other Christmas concert around.

Of course I love them.  How could you not?  They're the ultimate symbiotic Christian presence.
What I have zero tolerance for is the blatant theft of my term... "Chrisagii."  I invented that word back when they filmed "The Gold, The Girls and The Glory."

 
That's me in the Subar-Jew at the 1:01 mark.   

By its inherent definition, there is no such thing as a single Chrisagis.  You can't have one without the other.  They are a multi-cellular, eukaryotic entity.  Think of them in the same spiritual realm as other pluralizations --- fungi, cacti, hippopotami, etc.  Except you add the additional "i."  That's what puts the Christ in Chrisagii. 

So when I see the above photo with that caption --- uhhh yeah, I get a little perturbed.  Damn straight!  Sure, I'm appreciative they used the correct spelling.  What I find offensive is that I didn't get any credit.  This shows an incredible lack of respect.  I call it "demonstrable disdain."  Would it kill them to use an asterisk or hash tag gismo (^'~`) and credit me accordingly?  In retrospect, I only have myself to blame.  I should have trademarked that shit. 

So once again, the holidays are upon us.  What awaits us?  It's hard to say.  But if these two yokels steal my term "Chrisammich," I will go "wolfman bezerker" and sodomize their collective asses (not Chrisagasses, it's Chrisagassii).  Pronounced Krih-sah-guh-sy.  The four syllables denote four butt cheeks.