Saturday, December 28, 2013

Celebrating a Cowboy Christmas

Newsflash:  I don't celebrate Christmas.

Not hard to fathom why.  I figure there's sufficient holiday joy emanating from the mall store Santa pedophiles and the mentally challenged.  Seriously... why on earth would any rational parent embrace the notion of having their young children sit on a stranger's lap who's probably on some sex offender list?  Oh yeah, I forgot.  We really needed that picture of little Nevaeh (that's "Heaven" backwards!) and brother Toby for the living room mantle.  Sad.  Do not fret though - The new year will offer an excellent opportunity to put that horrific lapse in judgment behind you.

So yeah, I don't do the holidays.  I just can't tolerate the thought of American sheeple buying tons of worthless crap.  I know.  I know.  You really needed that monogrammed handkerchief and state-of-the-art syrup dispenser.  Maybe it's something deeply ingrained in my genetic makeup.  Maybe it's cuz I'm not much of a band-wagoner.  Chances are that when all of society is collectively embracing something... whether it be deliberating over the Duck Dynasty debacle or denouncing Dennis Rodman for directly dealing with a diminutive despot...

but I digress.  Simply stated, the holidays aren't for me.

However, I do like the final week of the NFL regular season.  Sometimes, it's even more interesting than the playoffs.  We get to find out the final playoff seedings.  Although I do find the wild card weekend and AFC/NFC Championship games to be highly enjoyable.  The division game weekend, not so much.

Tomorrow, we'll get to see who squeaks in and who gets tossed out.  And tomorrow's night game is gonna be really cool.  The Cowboys, led by their fearless leader, egomaniac Jerry Jones and man-boy, ginger head coach Jason Garrett face off against the fans who booed Santa Claus and pelted him with snow balls.  

The Eagles are heading into the game as 6.5 point favorites.  Personally, I think the spread is too high.  I'd say Eagles -3.5, but that's just me.  I don't set the lines.  But I do make observations.  Which of course leads us to the meme of the week.

If you're unacquainted with old school WWF wrestlers, that's Cowboy Bob Orton.  One of the lamer, more uninspired heels of the mid 80's.

For those who don't know, quarterback Tony Romo required vaginal reconstructive surgery and is out for the remainder of the season.  Perfect timing I suppose (considering there's only one game left).  Journeyman veteran Kyle Orton will be filling in.  And yesterday they even signed Jon Kitna to back him up.

I have deeply mixed emotions about this game.  I always root for a crushing Dallas loss.  The more mind-numblingly humiliating, the better.  The best scenarios are the ones where something "crazy" happens in the final seconds.  A muffed extra point, an easy dropped pass in the end zone, etc.  Or how about that Thanksgiving Day Leon Lett fiasco.  I was much younger at the time, but still very thankful.

So Saf, what are you hoping for tomorrow night.  A heartbreaking fumble?  A brain boggling interception when Kyle Orton throws into triple coverage?  You're getting close.  Maybe a late-tying field goal that bounces off the upright?  Getting closer.

Here's exactly what I want for Christmas.  I'll spell it out for ya.

I want to see that owner douchebag Jerry Jones penalized and ejected from his own stadium.  In the waning moments of a 4th quarter Dallas scoring drive, I want him down on the sideline arguing with a ref over an instant replay.  The side judge throws an unsportsmanlike flag for him using foul language.  And best of all, the automatic 10 second run-off kicks in - thus squandering any last chances.  Now that's my idea of a Christmas miracle.  The last thing I'm hoping for is an Eagles blowout victory.  I want this one to hurt.  After all, tis the season.

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