Tuesday, June 02, 2015

Kenny Chesney & Heinz Field Security : Vomit & Condom Dogs

If you're already familiar with my agenda, scroll down to the pic of Hillary.  The time you save could be precious.  Those 2 valuable minutes could have been spent listening to the wisdom of Donald Trump or admiring his neo-sculpted side do.  Life is full of choices. You either read the next few paragraphs or you don't.  You can't have both.  The world is an inherently cruel place.

For the past several years I've been trying to prevent human stampedes.  I know, sounds borderline ridiculous.  But if you phrase it differently... for the past several years, I've been trying to educate the general public and increase fan situational awareness...

LEGITIMATE emergency evacuation orders for large, confined crowds (stadiums, ballparks, motor speedways, etc.) would NEVER be delivered via your personal cell phone.

Well, all of a sudden, it starts to make a lot more sense.  Reason being, if something like this were to occur, it's almost certainly a malicious hoax designed to create a stampede.  There is one other viable possibility I suppose.  That someone is attempting a mass venue evacuation merely for their own personal amusement.  Either way, both scenarios could produce an incredibly dire outcome.  You do not require a doctorate in physics with a minor in communications in order to comprehend the issue.

The problem is this.  Anytime you suggest something that might result in a 9/11-like disaster, and it's something the vast majority of the public has never considered, you'll likely be labeled a crackpot or an imbecile.  Hardly a surprise.  I'm virtually certain that Rick Rescorla (the director for security of Morgan Stanley in the World Trade Center) was viewed with similar disdain when he told fellow employees...

"Hey, I think we should prepare for the possibility that someone might crash a 747 into your office cubicle on the 78th floor.  Since our building has been attacked in the past and remains a high profile target, wouldn't it be wise to acknowledge the fundamental security gaps and try to at least devise some kind of contingency plan?"  Hmmm, I think we all know how this one turned out.

People express a lot of discomfort when trying to cope with unsettling scenarios.  But rather than have a conversation about inconsistencies, vulnerabilities or exploring mitigation options (there aren't any credible ones that address my specific concerns), most people resort to ad hominem attacks and denigration.  They lash out.  Trust me, I get it.

Some surely view me as a stark, raving lunatic.  Others are likely anxious and unable to articulate a counter-argument.  Personally, I don't think I come across as an imprudent buffoon.  Maybe I am.  Maybe I'm not.  I do not know.  However, I do one thing  --- it's incredibly challenging to engage people on hypothetical, asymmetric national security issues.  Especially ones that most people simply could never fathom due to a lack of historical precedent.  A DOMINIPEDE (multiple, simultaneous human stampedes likely impacting the entire NFL 1 o'clock slate of games)?  Well, there you go.  Uhh, something like that would probably qualify.

So I've done all kinds of things to promote the AGSAF awareness campaign.  Books, emails, phone calls, letters, the website/newsletter... like I said, it's a tough one.  One of my zanier promotional ideas was something known as "condom dog."  More on that later.  Now there ain't any money to be made here and not a lot of upside for getting involved.  Unless of course, you just want to tell people the truth (evac orders in NFL stadiums don't come from your personal cell phone) and try to save a life or two along the way.  I'll willingly concede the following: it's some highly speculative, controversial material... assuming you don't own a cell phone or have never seen anyone utilize a wireless device.  Hey, maybe you don't get out that much.
And forgive me for trying to lend a hand, but I'm just trying to prevent the worst black swan event in the history of mankind, even surpassing the debilitating emotional toll and inconceivable societal fallout of 9/11 (endless war, diminished standing, trillions wasted, etc.).  So calm down.  If I'm right, it's really not that big a deal.  Just 10 or so near-simultaneous human stampedes with 500 - 1,000 fatalities and somewhere in the realm of 7,500 injuries scattered across nearly a dozen separate locations in the Northeast into the Midwest.  

"Does it really matter?  What difference does it make?" --- Hillary Clinton.

For the love of Santorum, I hope you understand the message.  It's amazing how many people can't seem to grasp the real-world, blaring security disconnect (50,000 - 100,000 active cell phones in any NFL stadium capable of disseminating false information).  Frustrating too.

Let's fast forward to Saturday night.  Kenny Chesney brought his annual shindig hoe-down to Heinz Field.  It's a boot stompin', truck engine rumblin', tobacco spittin', wife-beatin' wearin', non-craft beer drinkin' event of a lifetime.  Don't just take my word for it. 

It's an annual, make that annular, tradition.  Nothing will impede the "Burgers and Dogs" tour  or the "Leggo my Skoal" tour or whatever they're calling it this year.  To be honest, I can't remember the moniker and to execute a Google search would represent a humiliating defeat.

Now last year, Chesney and his cunt-tree coalition bypassed Catsup Stadium due to the trash-brawl publicity fiasco of 2013.  Apparently, shitting in buckets is out-of-bounds.  As is pissing in kiddie wading pools filled with jello or sand.  Also, you're not permitted to sodomize Obama supporting concert-goers with the American flag.  Who woulda thunk it?

More bad stuff happened at this year's concert.  Check out this footage from Pamela Osborne, my second favorite WPXI reporter!

Alright, hang in there with me.  We're approaching the "rouge cou denouement."  That's french for "redneck finale."

G and I have been on a walking binge as of late.  We go pretty much anywhere.  We'll do walking trails, private country club golf courses, shopping malls, cemeteries, parks, bridges, sewage treatment plants, abandoned whorehouses, steps to nowhere... we don't care where.  We just choose a given destination and start walking.

As you may have ascertained, last evening's walk was multiple laps around Heinz Field, encompassing the river trail and the gold lots.  Just an aside... for future Chesney shows, I think they should rename the gold lots... the "golden lots."  As in golden shower.  Simply put, the whole place reeked of piss.  Twas' a biblical plague of urine, likely on par with the flooding in Houston which was recently declared a national disaster.  Hey now, I'm just happy the selfless right wing wackos in Texas are willing to graciously accept relief funds from the current administration.  I foolishly thought some Tex-Mex politicians would refuse the monies based on a fear of centralized government takeover of the lone star state.  Does anyone recall the Rick Perry-inspired idiots yapping about secession in 2012?  Still going strong with Jade Helm I see.  Who the fuck are these people?

Anyway, the stench of urine was both resolute and determined.  Some would say, utterly defiant.  But it wasn't the puddles and streams of piss that piqued my attention.  It was the endless islands of puke.  Pile after pile.  Mound upon mound.  Liquified chunk-laden conglomerates.  Gratuitous heaping smell-bads.  Some featuring Cool Ranch Doritos.  Some with McNugget.  Others showcasing corn dog.  One even featuring "The Artist Formerly Known as Bucket of Hot Wings."  Not quite sure what that means.  Suffice to say, it was a vomitous upheaval.  And that just triggered a recollection --- it's the Big Revival Tour.  Yee-haw.  Lookie there ma!  That's Kinny with Big Ben (pronounced bihn).

Alright.  Now in the words of Led Zeppelin, we're finally "gonna bring it on home."  Or in the words of Kenny Chesney, "we gonna git r' dun."  I'm assuming he had at least a minimal role in the creation of that anguished rallying oink.  A sad testimony if you think about it.  Let's be honest.  Chesney isn't fit to carry the Pig Man's jock.

Okle Dokle.  So we have a Kenny Chesney parking lot and a whole lotta drunk, stomach spewing morons.  Whaddya got in mind?  CONDOM DOG, BABY!!!  Not only do you bring back condom dog, you bring it back the other way!  --- Rage Against the Machine lead singer whose name escapes me

Regrettably, this idea came to me on 279N.  Too little, too late.  But I can always share and promote this earth-shattering concept.  Ohh, the power of the internet.

Just go to your local Piggly Wiggly and buy a pack of cheap hot dogs.  It'll probably set you back about a buck.  Toss them in the freezer.  Next, take a trip to your local health department and ask for a bag of free condoms.  They'll be more than happy to give you a baker's dozen of prophylactics.

Now right before you head off to the big show, remove the individual dogs and apply each rubber accordingly.  You'll end up with something like this.

If any of this makes you feel uncomfortable, just try to think of it in terms of promoting responsible birth control and safe sex at a Mormon gang bang in a suburb outside Provo, Utah.  That should help alleviate the "seediness" factor.

Now place all the newly suited condom dogs in a large ziplock bag.  Discreetly store in cooler.  Throw cooler in the back of your jacked-up Ford F-10,000 pick-up truck and drive to the Carnegie Science Center lot next to Heinz Field.  Pay the reasonable $75 parking fee and find a spot.  You've now established a credible forward military base for "Operation Condom Dog."

This is where your special journey begins.  Every time you see a pile of vomit, gently place a condom dog in the middle of it.  Or you can go hog-wild and throw it down with reckless abandon.  BLAM!  I suggest singing that unforgettable commercial lyrical ditty "Trojan Man."  Adds that element of mystique with a celebration of song and dance... or if you will... boot, scoot and boogie... or if you prefer... puke, fuck and shitty. 

Now anywhere there's a splattering of vomit.  Yep, you guessed it.  Condom Dog is on the scene, making its presence felt.  But this activity represents something of vastly greater magnitude.  It's not just some discarded low-end meat wrapped in synthetic latex.  Lest ye forget the underlying purpose, the overriding mission, the humanitarian cause --- HUMAN STAMPEDE PREVENTION at any NFL stadium.  That's right, bitches.  Anytime a person sees that "condom dog in a pile of puke," it will naturally signal a message of situational awareness for fans who are about to enter an NFL stadium.  It's the critical public safety information which the government and private industry are unwilling to divulge.  The common sense, 5th grade level information that's deliberately concealed from the general population.

LEGITIMATE emergency stadium evacuation orders would NEVER come from your personal cell phone.  If something like this were to occur, it is an attempt to maim and kill innocent people by weaponizing a human stampede.

People have a fundamental right to know... 

that if they're in a large, confined crowd and receive an evacuation order and/or panic-inducing information from their cell phone or mobile device...
it's almost certainly a hoax designed to create an artificially generated stampede.

My only regret.  This whole promotional campaign/marketing endeavor popped into my head on our way home.  Thus lamentably, no pics.  However, next year I will put this plan into action.  And by the way, the yearly Kenny Chesney concert at Heinz Field does NOT have a monopoly on condom dog.  However, I defy you to find a superior concert or sporting event which embraces the spirit and essence of that which is condom dog.  Good.  Fucking.  Luck.

So if you believe in truth and justice, and to a lesser extent, vomit and condom dogs... if you found this information helpfully disconcerting or beneficially disgusting... instead of throwing it up, throw it out.  Share this blog link with any trending hash tag on any social media platform.  And if you know anyone affiliated with the NFL or any stadium concert performers (remnants of the Grateful Dead, Rolling Stones, etc.), fill 'em in.  Personally, I'd like to see One Direction or even Taylor Swift get involved... although the role of Condom Dog would likely be rendered marginally insignificant due to a lack of copious vomit.  

Thank you for your consideration,

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