the vision of Cheney?

I was always suspicious of George Bush Jr. when he claimed back in 2003, "we will plant the seed of democracy in Iraq, the heart of the Middle East, and democracy will spread throughout entire the region." This kind of grandiose statement struck me as terribly naive and simplistic. I was shocked that the mainstream press never really called him on it. Then again, our country was still on a complete war footing in the wake of 9/11.

I think the following statement is generally accepted across the political spectrum...

Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz and Richard Pearle were the primary neocons who pushed for the war in Iraq. They cherry-picked the weak evidence (yellow cake uranium from Niger & the Iraqi diplomat meeting with Mohammed Atta in Hamburg) and pushed the big issues (weapons of mass destruction, war crimes against the Kurds, he's a tyrannical despot/warmonger who poses a threat to the stability of the entire region and has continually violated the Gulf War I treaty), packaged it and sold it to Bush. Bush then got Colin Powell to sell it to the United Nations. Then Bush sold it to congress and the rest of the U.S. Once the mainstream media fell in line, the war was a go.

I wonder if Cheney had the foresight to see the eventual chaos that could ensue throughout the region if there were democratic uprisings across the board. Let's be blunt. Not every country is well-suited for instant democracy. Most Middle Eastern countries suffer from staggering rates of unemployment and half the population lives on $2.00 a day. There is an enormous schism between the wealthy and the downtrodden. With the sole exception of Turkey, these countries don't really have a middle class. In fact, the concept of a middle class doesn't even exist. If you're born into poverty, you die in poverty. If you're born into wealth, you die wealthy. Simply stated, it's difficult for a stable democracy to instantly develop and flourish out of an overly-populated, impoverished nation.

Is it possible that Cheney knew a Democratic Iraq would result in other dictatorships (Tunisia, Libya, Algeria, Jordan, Syria, Yemen, Iran, etc.) eventually coming under intense scrutiny by their respective populations? You can only oppress people for so long. Especially when the average age is under 30 and extremely poor. Although the Islamic religion is very "fatalistic" (they always seem to put their faith in Allah - what will happen will happen - it's the will of god - the future is already written... god is great, etc. blah), somewhere underneath it all, people realize that their destiny is not predetermined. Hence the riots, looting and rebellion.

I think Cheney has this view of the world...

There will always be war and killing. I'd better do my patriotic duty and make sure as little of it as possible occurs on U.S. soil. We're the head honcho, so historically speaking, we will be the #1 target.

I think he knew that the sudden imposition of democracy in Iraq would eventually instigate future civil wars throughout the Middle East. The underlying premise being... hey, let's keep the war over there and off our shores. He got Bush to say, "We must fight them there so we don't fight them here." But maybe Cheney was really thinking "Let's let THEM fight THEM there." If I can get them to kill themselves, the overall threat level diminishes substantially.

It reminds me of my basic premise for 5th generation warfare - instead of actively killing your enemies, get them to kill themselves. Foment civil wars and they won't have time to focus their hatred on the U.S., and to a lesser extent Israel. The alliance with Saudi Arabia will always be safe because they'll crush any potential uprising faster than you can say "Allah Akbar." All the other countries, fuck 'em.

I've always thought that Dick Cheney is a brilliant individual. Regardless of whether or not I agree with him from a policy perspective (foreign and domestic), I'll be the first to admit, the man has an incredible grasp of the issues and speaks with tremendous clarity. Not an inspirational speaker (like Obama), but more of an effective behind the scenes manipulator. He reminds of Silvio Dante on the Sopranos. If I were going to choose a consiliere, I'd pick Dick. But I would decline the quail hunting invitation.

Egypt crisis

I'm a little surprised that Sarah Palin hasn't tweeted or weighed in. She usually tries to counter anything Obama says...

"King Tut was a great man! We stand united with our Egyptian brothers and sisters."

"I'm calling on Cleopatra to show restraint for all her citizenry."

"Freedom is sooo wonderful. I (heart symbol) Egypt and all those pyramids!!!"

"I'm not in denial. I love the Nile!"

It helps if you say it with that authentic whiny Palinesque twang.

Nutting ticket increase

The Nutting conglomerate recently decided to charge an extra 3 bucks for tickets purchased on game days. I skimmed a few articles concerning this matter. Most of the comments and reactions trended negative. No big surprise there. Honestly though, they can charge whatever they want. I'm sure they did some weak marketing research before implementing this new course of action.

As usual, my perspective is unique. During the 5 year stretch of limo nonsense, I went to a total of 36 Pirate games (I counted the ticket stubs). My boss and his girlfriend had Lexus club seats behind home plate - these seats were usually about $115 per ticket. So I'm figuring when it was all said and done (my salary, gas, vodka, the inevitable towing fees for the nonsensical vehicle of humiliation), they probably spent about $500 every time they went to see their beloved Pirates. Even more peculiar, they'd always leave by the 7th inning stretch. But this was always cool with me. If you truly need the "final score resolution" in a regular season Pirates game, you've got issues.

But here's my point... I went to 36 games. Guess how much I spent on all 36 tickets? The answer... yep, you guessed correct - ZILCH! I vaguely recall ONE occasion it took over 20 minutes and I almost forked out 5 bucks, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I either ended up getting a freebie or hung out with the other drivers in the fire lane. I honestly do not recall.

It basically became this weird game where I would try to acquire a ticket without even speaking. This worked about half the time. I would just stand there in between the home plate entrance and the box office with this "lost puppy dog" look. I never wore the suit & tie limo outfit. Usually it was just the typical jeans and a t-shirt. Every once in a while, I'd hold up my index finger denoting my desire for a ticket. Anyway, usually within 5-10 minutes someone would just ask me point blank, "Hey, do you need a ticket?" I would gratefully reply, "Ohhh yes, thank you so much. How did you know I needed one?" They'd fire back, "I don't know. You just seemed like you didn't have one."

Other times, I would get a little frustrated and ask people for tickets. Schools and church groups were the best targets because you'd see an individual handing out a massive stack of comp tickets. I might take a little heat for this but any group consisting of special needs individuals always had plenty of tickets too. Hell, they were going to eat them anyway. Why not ask?

So my point is this. Out of 80 excruciating home games, there are maybe a total of 5 to 7 which are difficult to obtain free entry. All the others are a complete laydown. If you pay big money for these tickets, it's safe to say you're some kind of "egalitarian schmuck." If you have the audacity to complain about the high cost of tickets, you need to rethink your general strategy to experiencing entertainment during a prolonged recession.

One of the coolest things about PNC Park is the experience, not whether they win or lose. Who the fuck honestly cares if this team breaks the .500 mark? Bob Nutting needs to take a lesson from famed pro wrestling icon Vince McMahon. In the early 90's, Vince realized the WWF needed to transition. He decided to correctly refer to his company as a provider of entertainment and downplay the "sports" angle. Truth be told, we all know it's staged. Duhhh? Instead, focus on the athleticism, production and bombastic story lines. Nutting should embrace this same marketing lesson. He should boldly go where no one has gone before. After all, he does kind of resemble a sensible Vulcan, or to a lesser extent, a prudent Romulan.

Nutting should be the first to "come out of the closet" in the world of small market sorts franchises. "Hey Pittsburgh fans, grow the fuck up! We're never going to field a winning team. We will never go to the World Series. I refuse to waste my money in this fashion. As far as I'm concerned, it's a bottomless pit and doesn't adhere to my traditional business models. This is my team and I'll run it as I see fit." But hold on, there's more... "Sure we're going to lose, but we've got a tremendous facility! Great views from anywhere in the ballpark. Strong promotional nights... fireworks, concerts, giveaways, etc. Even though the venue is only 30-50% full, this is a GOOD thing. You can walk around and take in some different vantage points. What other ballpark affords that possibility? Embrace the river walk or that all-you-can-eat promotion (disgusting). Watch the potato-shaped mascot/humans run for their lives! We will finish in last place, BUT WE DON"T GIVE A DAMN!" We'll be the most gracious losers ever! Try and top that one!

Nutting should take it in this direction. It helps deflect from the endless talk of another losing season and being regarded as the habitual laughingstock of the league. Admit your transgressions and embrace your shortcomings. It's 2010 and beyond. This ain't the 1950's anymore. Focus ALL your energy on providing a good time to your patrons. I've got news for you. It's just baseball. Nobody really gives a fuck anyway.

And hey, you could use the lyrics I created specifically for the 7th inning stretch.

Take me out to the Pirates
Where the hell is the crowd?
Why doesn't Bob Nutting give a damn?
He won't spend money to fill up the stands
So we'll root root root for the Steelers
Cuz football's not far away
For it's one, two, three strikes you're out
At the old ballgame.

This would play really well. The commoners would love poking fun at a billionaire and it helps to know that the owner has a self-deprecating sense of humor. It would bring a much desired sense of unity to the entire organization. Take my advice Bob. Usher in that new era. Take Obama's advice from the State of the Union last night - THINK BIG! THIS IS YOUR SPUTNIK MOMENT!

Steelers fans

Nothing annoys me more than a specific segment of Heinz Field today. I'd estimate the number of "fans" at about 2,500. Let me describe these people in detail.


They haven't been to a pre-season or regular season game all year.

They spend exorbitant sums of money on tickets. Usually at least $300 per ticket purchased online, probably more.

They couldn't name a single offensive or defensive lineman. Their heroes are always the same - Roethlisberger, Hines Ward and Troy Polamalu. They forget about Heath Miller until he makes a catch - then they croon "Heeeaaattthhh" or yell around to everybody in earshot, "It's Miller Time!"

They purchase absurd amounts of overpriced Steelers gear at the game. And they usually buy tons of official merchandise for their kids. They don't own a Terrible Towel, but they'll quickly purchase one for $10.00, even though they always cost $5.00.

They usually hang out at Jerome Bettis Grill before the game and complain about the service. They know it's going to be packed, but it's essential that they be there to watch the Bears/Packers game. In their mind, it's simply the place to be.

They have no idea where to park. They usually try to park in one of the reserved gold lots and argue with the cop who's trying to direct traffic.

At some point while walking to the stadium, they will attempt to intercept a football being thrown by some random kids in one of the lots. But they'll drop it.

They'll immediately find the Primanti Brothers in the great hall. They'll get a cheesesteak and an Iron City beer. Then, they'll complain that it's not as good as the one in the Strip. Also, having never attended a sporting event, they'll complain about the high cost of draft beer.

They'll immediately try to befriend everyone in the seats around them. Usually, they will discuss the cold weather or how they are #1 Steelers fans.

They see a scalper with a sign that says "BUYING/SELLING TICKETS" and they'll ask him, "Well, which is it? Are you buying or are you selling?" And they often waste a scalper's time asking pointless questions even though they have absolutely zero interest.

They'll get overly anxious when caught up in the traffic leaving Heinz Field. And they'll complain about the new traffic sign - Yes, 279 is now 376.

If we win, they'll proudly exit the stadium yelling, "Here we go Steelers, Here we go!" or singing, "Pittsburgh's goin' to the Superbowl!"

I can't stand these people.

what of cuntiff?

The Baltimore Ravens have 4 Pro-Bowl selections this year. Linebackers Ray Lewis & Terrell Suggs, Safety Ed Reed and Defensive End Haloti Ngata (all are sick). Hmmm, is there anyone who I accidentally omitted? As a matter of fact, it's the kicker. A venerable journeyman of the NFL... I'll give you a hint. His last name rhymes with Cuntiff.

That is correct - Billy Cundiff (K) is the 2011 AFC special teams selection. Many years ago when I played fantasy football*, I selected Cuntiff when he was with Dallas. He kicked 4 field goals in the final game of the season which enabled me to squeak by the other imbeciles and proudly secure a third place finish in the league. I think I won around $400 or so. This basically covered my costs for the season.

Anyway with the Steelers/Ravens divisional game quickly approaching, I think it might be a good idea to remember Cuntiff. At the very least, let us not casually dismiss him. In a game which is almost always decided by a field goal, I fear the awesome power of Cuntiff.

"Riding the heels of Cuntiff" - this reminds of the Seinfeld episode where George Costanza tries to simultaneously embrace his two greatest passions: sex and food. While engaging in sex, he dips a pastrami sandwich into a container of spicy mustard. "I got greedy, Jerry. I flew to close to the sun on the wings of pastrami." Jerry flippantly responds, "Yeah, that's what you did."

Could the Steelers be guilty of a failure to acknowledge the heroic power of Cuntiff? Could Cuntiff be the next Adam Viniateri? I love coach Mike Tomlin. He's resolute and determined. I think our team has all the necessary weapons. I just have this sneaking suspicion that if it comes down to the foot of Cuntiff, we are completely fucked. Have you ever been to Heinz field and heard the pin drop? Well I have. Many times.

* I used to play fantasy football back in its infancy. I quickly came to the conclusion that whenever you run into someone in your league, the conversation invariably starts and ends with fantasy football. This is one of my biggest pet peeves. Everyone wants to tell you how their players fared. They spout off incessant drivel... Ohhh, Favre had 287 yards and 2 touchdowns. Welker had 7 receptions for 134 yards. Then, you respond with your own stats. Meanwhile, nobody really cares. All the conversations are one-sided. It's just two bozos yapping to a brick wall. The winner of the conversation always seems to be the person who spoke the loudest. Roddy White caught 3 touchdowns! You suck!

I consider fantasy football to be one of the lowest forms of conversation. It's right up there with the weather. The person bagging my groceries inquiries, "I think it's raining outside." I respond, "No, it's bright and sunny." Meanwhile, if the kid turns his head about 60 degrees, he could look outside and witness a torrential downpour. Just like fantasy football - you get to supposedly live vicariously through the stars of the NFL. It's just not for me. Not anymore.

Stop Smoking Bowl

I was checking out all the weird names of the college bowl games. Some of these sponsors are downright bizarre.

Beef O'Brady's Bowl - I had to research this. I assumed it was some kind of canned Dinty Moore Beef Stew product. I don't spend a lot of time in the canned meat aisle with the Chef Boyardee ravioli or sifting through the endless Spaghettio concoctions. So I googled Beef O' Brady and discovered that it's actually an Irish themed pub/restaurant chain. I had no idea. 240 locations based mostly in the South. I'll be damned! Ask me the following, "Saf, where do you want to go for dinner?" I hardly envision myself firing back, "I'm really in the mood for Beef O'Brady's!" It just doesn't sound like something I'd say. Perhaps Rosie O'Donnell says shit like that, but not me.

How about The Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman? What the fuck is that? Why are defense contractors actively involved in college football? Yeah, I know. Army, Navy, Air Force... that I understand. It's a proud tradition. But 10 years from now, I'm guessing we'll see the "Secure the Ramadi Pipeline Bowl presented by Halliburton & Friends" or maybe the "End Genital Mutilation Outreach Bowl." I understand we're a violent nation but does Northrop Grumman really need to invade our living rooms. Truth be told, when the volume level increases dramatically during the commercials, it does sound like bombs going off.

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl? This one has been around for a while. Where else but downtown Detroit for this dough-based extravaganza of crapulence? No sauce, just garlic salt please. It is dirt cheap though. 5 bucks for a large. I still don't understand the mystery of the "Little Caesars in Woodsdale at the top of Chicken Neck Hill." I do like the sound of that. Seriously though, what the fuck is going on? That place folded in 1992 and then almost 20 years later, it makes a triumphant return to the exact same location. Who's behind this Pizza Pizza madness? Who's responsible for plaguing my mind with this Julius Caesar cartoon character? Portraying him as a benevolent endorser of shitty pizza when he was more likely a ruthless military leader who presided over the "games" (senseless killings for the sole purpose of entertainment).

And how about the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl? If I owned a company and bought the naming rights, I wouldn't name it the Saferstein Atheist Jew Bowl. I realize that you're proud of your family and their rise to dominance in the crowded hotel/motel marketplace. I get it. But why would you want to actively advertise the "gay" part? The first thing it makes me think of is Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents. When he's asked, So your name's Gaylord Focker? So your name is Gay Focker? I'll be the first to admit - I'm very supportive of gay rights, but this sponsor makes me want to bring back a "don't ask, don't tell, don't advertise" perspective. Maybe there should be a "Fag Hag Trojan Condom Bowl." Secure that niche on behalf of all those queens who hang with the hot chicks at the techno-bars.

There's also the Poulan Weed-Eater Bowl. If I were in charge, this one's a no-brainer. The name would immediately be changed to Poulan Weed-Whacker Bowl. It would make for some great slogans. Maybe some kind of nationwide masturbation contest during halftime. Bring out Pee Wee Herman to the 50 yard line and let him do his thing. I'm surprised more celebrities haven't been caught up in the solo whacking dragnet. Maybe in my lifetime, public masturbation will becum socially acceptable. Dare to dream...

Another one quickly approaching is the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl. Yes! Kraft is here with a tray of sharp cheddar. They will do their damndest to stop hunger nationwide. Kind of ironic considering that the United States boasts the largest percentage of morbidly obese people who suffer from malnutrition. Maybe they should team up with Beef O' Brady's. Perhaps they already have. Or better yet, maybe they could team up with the 19th Ho and smother more cheese on that monster basket of french fries. And yes, I want the spattering of baco-bits and extra ranch dressing. I'm reminded of a luncheon at the Swing Club about 5 years ago when one of my friends said, and I quote, "I'll have the Cheeseburger Pleaser Platter with Extra Cheese, Please!" I'm not going to name names on this one. But I did have the equivalent of an epileptic seizure. I still shake violently every time I walk through the door of that trendy Fulton hot spot.

So what's your point Saf? Don't you usually have some kind of overriding theme? Well as a matter of fact, I jew. Sorry, I meant to say "I do." And here it is...

I think Chantix should secure the rights to one of these bowls. For those who are unfamiliar with Chantix, it's a pill designed to help people quit smoking. I'm pretty sure it's manufactured and distributed by Pfizer. My point - you could call it the

CHANTIX STOP SMOKING BOWL

And it would coincide perfectly with the time around New Years when everyone makes their stop smoking cigarettes resolutions. This would have REAL advertising power. You could design the commercials around real testimonials from people who are going to quit smoking during the bowl game. Why wait til New Years? This would make for an incredibly strong marketing gimmick. And it would secure the dominance of Chanitx in the marketplace. If I were going to quit smoking*, I'd probably jump on board the Chantix lovetrain. Fuck Nicorette. Hey, that would make a great name for a baby on Maury Povich paternity testing. In the case of 5 month old Nicoretta, you are NOT the father!

Also, it makes a pharmaceutical company appear to be actively concerned with the social fabric of society on the heels of an inevitable Wikileaks mass destruction campaign. After Julian Assange sodomizes Bank of America and the other venerable monetary institutions, his future intentions are clear. He plans to penetrate the drug pushers. Man, I love this guy. What a complete bad ass. He really is one man changing the planet earth. The epitome of all that shit I yap about, specifically the marginalization of the power of the state, the decentralization of authority, and most importantly, the sudden shift in the rising power of random individuals. It makes me think of another Bowl game - the GoDaddy.com Bowl.

Julian Assange. You are the daddy (Maury Povich style)! And the studio audience rises to their feet, "Go Daddy Go! Go Daddy Go!" Perhaps there's a place for Maury Povich in some of this bowl congested nonsense. Then again, maybe someday they'll have a bowl playoff system. Yeah right! If you really think that's ever going to happen, you should probably stick with the Ford vs. Chevy debate. Stay in your comfort zone, asshole.

* - I smoked Marlboro Lights for about 10 years (1990-2000). I quit cold turkey the day after the 2000 Superbowl when the Ravens dismantled the Giants. The day after the Superbowl is the best time to quit smoking. Because there's nothing that happens in this god-forsaken town for an entire month. At least that's my theory. I have other psychological strategies that worked. Feel free to ask. I don't feel like typing anymore.

And just an aside - it's wildcard weekend. Could this be the first time you witness all 4 upsets in the first round? Seattle (+10) and Kansas City (+3) - (both home underdogs) and the Jets (+2.5) and the Pack (+2.5) - light upsets on the road. I ran the numbers and if you parlay all 4 upsets, it's a 64-1 shot. I don't think it's going to happen, but if there were ever an occasion for all 4 underdogs, it's this year. Fuck all of them. Go Stillers n'at.

idea for recently elected Tea Party rep.

I watched some of the reading of the constitution on the U.S. House floor. I realize it's all a facade for the American public, particularly the rabid fans of the fiscally conservative Tea party. But the underlying message is a credible one. Our elected politicians shouldn't be spending money they don't have. Of course, I haven't seen anyone stand up and say they want to slice a chunk out of the big 3 (national defense, medicare and social security). It's so much easier to rail against runaway spending when it comes to silly sounding stuff - like studying the mating habits of the Asian silkworm or whether there's some correlation between nipple size and foot odor.

But it got me to thinking... If I was one of these newly elected officials and I wanted to make a quick name for myself, what would I do? Well, I would go before the entire House of Representatives with the following proposal. I would call for legislation to eliminate the heating and cooling gas bill for the entire U.S. House. You simply are going to turn off the thermostat for a period of ONE YEAR.

I'd argue that the bill is probably about somewhere in the neighborhood of 2-3 million per year. After all, it's a pretty big structure. When I made the speech I would explain how it's far more than just a symbolic gesture. This would surely resonate with mainstream America which feels that all their taxpayer dollars are being flushed down the toilet. I'd say things like this...

1) "Hey, this isn't our house. It's the peoples' house. There's plenty of Americans who are having trouble paying their gas bills. And this place has a decent roof. I think we can all live for a year wearing coats in the winter and short sleeves in the summer. So what if we shiver or sweat a little bit. Maybe that would be a good thing for some Congressional reps, the vast majority are multi-millionaires that live comfortably. Maybe the lack of climate control will knock some sense into everyone who fills this venerable institution.

2) Maybe the cold or the heat could act as a continual reminder to be more responsible with the U.S. taxpayer dollar.

3) It's time to put a stop to all this earmark bashing, especially the ones which may sound trivial or amusing. All that makes for a great sound byte but does nothing to curb real government runaway spending. Rather than defund some aquarium in rural Idaho, let's start right here in DC for a change before we look elsewhere.

4) There are plenty of Americans who work under conditions far worse than us. Maybe it will help guide our collective thinking when it comes to legislation which affect the daily lives of our constituents.

Of course, you'd be hated by most of your fellow House members but no politician in their right mind would publicly come out and oppose your bill. You would instantly become the darling of Fox News. Guaranteed. And it would make for a great stepping stone to higher political office as well.

The prevailing anti-DC/inner Beltway climate has never offered a better opportunity. And especially in this day of congressional images and notorious sound blips, it would be a huge hit with the American public. Seriously, Michelle Bachmann should try this one. Right up her alley. Very Palinesque - virtually no substance but plenty of bang for your buck.

Imagine - every time someone gets up to address the House, the American public would notice their attire. And you would be given all the credit for the foreseeable future. I think this idea has a shitload of merit but it has to be the right kind of person who throws it out there. Darrell Issa (R-CA)? No. It's much better suited for one of the "newly elected, self-described independent" teabaggers or maybe someone on the far left like Dennis Kucinich.

my playoff bracket

Just in case I win my own playoff pool, I thought it would be wise to post my picks.

Wildcard round

Ravens over Chiefs
Colts over Jets
Saints over Seahawks
Eagles over Packers

Divisional Round

Patriots over Ravens
Steelers over Colts
Falcons over Saints
Eagles over Bears

AFC/NFC Championship

Steelers over Patriots
Falcons over Eagles

Superbowl

Steelers over Falcons (of course)
Tiebreaker - 44

Had to go with the home team. Playoffs are wide open on both sides. I like the fact that the Pats will likely play the Ravens or the Jets - the only 2 teams that can beat them at Gillette Stadium, or I'm hoping - soften them up.
At the beginning of the year, I thought it would be Steelers vs. Packers. But I like the idea of the Superbowl being a rematch of the season opener that we won in OT (15-9). Seems almost like destiny.

$330 Mega-Millions jackpot

If there's one thing I have contempt for, it's these national lotteries. Yes, I understand the premise. Some mentally deficient human will always come up to me and utter that magical phrase, "Saf, if you don't play, you can't win!"

Well, this may surprise you but I have participated in this imbecilic charade. In my entire life, I've purchased a grand total of 3 tickets. Not exactly sure why I felt compelled. I know each time it was over $250 million. I'm hardly a statistician, but I would presume that the higher the jackpot, the more likely is the possibility of multiple winners (or I prefer, wieners). I checked out their website and historically I appear to be on solid ground. So the higher it gets, the less you'll probably win.

Oddly enough, there are 7 unrelated states that don't offer the Megamillions Crackpot. Utah (for obvious Mormonic/religilous reasons), Nevada (probably don't want to discourage participation in the real gambling industry), and then 4 states down south (MS, AL, FL and LA). There's one other state out west - I think it's Nebraska. Nonetheless, all the other states have obediently fallen in line.

I remember when that idiot businessman (and millionaire) Jack Whitaker from central WV won over a hundred million a decade ago. Shortly thereafter, he had a quarter million stolen from his car while it was parked outside a strip bar. Then his granddaughter overdosed and he got either one or two DUI's. I'd like to say my heart went out to him, but it did not even slightly veer in his direction. I thought 3 things about him were of interest.

1) He allegedly promised to donate 10% of his winnings to build some new churches. Hey, just what's needed in the middle of West Virginia - MORE CHURCHES.

2) He explained his complex rationale for buying exactly 100 tickets. You see - every time the jackpot gets above 100 million, he would buy 100 tickets to improve his chances. What's truly humorous is that surely thousands of other lottery junkies have subscribed to this brilliant mathematical theory.

3) The guy was already a financial success. He owned some kind of contracting company with plenty of employees. How ironic that his new found financial windfall would destroy his previously existing business and decimate all those whom he employed.

I'm guess I'm just sickened by the way these government sponsored lotteries prey on the naive and mostly poor. Seriously, the vast majority of people who blow money on these tickets have no business participating. Fortunately, the U.S. government is here to explain which types of gambling are okay -

Church bingo - check. That money goes for a good cause (solidifying the comfort of pedophile priests).
Gambling on sports - nope. Only if you are physically present in the state of Nevada. But if you set up an internet account in Zanesville, Ohio and then the server is in Costa Rica... Well yes, then it's fine.
How about table games like blackjack and poker? We'll let the individual states figure that one out, piece by piece (Tom Araya - Slayer).

Back in the 90's when these multi-state lotteries took off, I vaguely recall one particular drawing. Not sure what the jackpot total was, but I remember all these yinzers from Pennsylvania crossing the border into West Virginia to buy their reams of tickets. The local news covered this spectacle. There was a 2 hour line outside the Dallas Pike Truck Stop. All the trained minions dutifully, patiently stood in line. Ohhh, imagine the shit I could buy with a hundred million dollars. I could get a pick up truck elevated 10 feet off the ground. Each tire would be larger than a pinball machine. For vacation this year, we're going to Myrtle Beach AND Ocean City.

So why the huge line in Dallas Pike? Well, because it was the closest site in WV. Never mind you could drive another 4 minutes and buy tickets from any of the other dozen empty retail outlets. They needed to be where the action is. Sounds like that's in keeping with the lottery mentality.

The other thing I like about the lottery is that roughly half of all jackpot winners end up declaring bankruptcy. How fitting. And it has very little to do with the size of the jackpot. Just goes to prove that you can win 1 million, 10 million or 100 million and still end up going broke. Why? Because the lottery does not teach responsibility. In fact, the entire premise of the lottery is that it feeds off irresponsibility and the never ending quest for unabashed materialism.

I also like how everyone opts for the lump sum. I need it all - in the form of one "show me the money" orgasmic cum shot. But Billy Bob, out of the 120 million, after taxes you're going to sacrifice your claim on 40 million dollars. But hey, he needs to construct mega-mansions for all his immediate family. Even his 2 sons that failed the paternity tests. Billy Bob, you are NOT the father of the twins DeShawn and Trayshawn. Oh my god! How could that be?

I remember back in 2001, a journalist interviewed an Afghani villager and asked him what he would do with the 25 million dollar reward for information leading to the capture of Osama Bin Laden. He gasped, "25 million dollars??? You could buy 100 cows!!!" Nonetheless, I think this Talibani farmer may have had a better grasp on reality than most Americans who participate in the MegaMillions.

It's just something about how the citizens of our country respond and react to various stimuli. We're often thrown a variety of bones and the vast majority of American idiots salivate like Pavlovian dogs. It could be anything from Lady Gaga tickets to a lock of Justin Bieber's newly grown pubic hair. Perhaps an autographed dildo that was used to sodomize Paris Hilton or maybe Michael Vick's favorite set of jumper cables he used to kill his fleet of pit bulls. As long as it's something to break the monotony.

So in keeping with the theories and axioms of anti-Saf, I'll purchase one lottery ticket tonight. Probably from the Alpha. Wish me luck. If I win, I'll read this blog entry at the press conference before the entire country. Then, I'll go off on some twisted, taunting rant about how an atheist Jew won the big one. All you born-again churchies can collectively suck it! Wish me luck.

Christmas sprirt in Wheeling, WV

It's that time of the year again. I'm often accused of seeing things differently than my fellow Wheelingites. So here's an interpretive glance at common things you might see during the holiday season. Basically, it's a... here's what you see, here's what I see.

You see a matronly woman at a restaurant. She's wearing a lovely Christmas sweater that says "Grandma's my name and Spoiling's my game.
I see this same woman. She is a corpulent woman who's having lunch at Eat'n'Park. While 30 people are waiting to be seated, she argues with the waitress about the quality of a buffet item. Apparently, there wasn't enough ground beef in the massive pot of chili. Flabbergasted, she exclaims, "It was all beans!" She demands some face time with the manager who's busy cleaning up some kids puke near table 16. She is adamant and finally gets her 10% off (before tax & tip). The total cost of her buffet and water with extra lemons was $4.99. Come hell or high water, she will get that 49 cents back. Sensing victory, she struggles to her feet. Totally out of breath, she looks at the people in line and mutters, "Usually, the service and food here is pretty good." Then, she goes next door to the Cold Stone Creamery and buys a double decker banana split & hot fudgalicious sundae to go. The total bill comes to $13.73. This fiscal discrepancy doesn't seem to phase her.

You see a line of young children getting their picture taken with Santa in the middle of the mall.
I see an elderly male on the sexual offenders list. He is wanted for multiple felony parole violations in WV and PA. But here at the Ohio Valley Mall in St. Clairsville, he's off the radar. His breath wreaks of Jim Beam. Surely remnants from closing out a dive bar the night before. He's about ready to go on his Camel smoke break which will significantly add to the atrocious stench. As he massages the inner thigh region of children ages 3-7, he mentally salivates when the children tell him what toys they want for Christmas. Each child is a unique experience and Santa's erection goes undetected underneath all that fanciful attire. Santa's real name is "Bill." Bill likes to hear what the kids want. Bill knows what he wants. Later this afternoon, the state of Ohio will add him to the registry. But it will be worth it.

You see a father and children on I-70 heading up to The Highlands to do some much-needed shopping.
I see the redneck father who has everybody crammed in his pick-up. He purchased a top-of-the-line Durango with all the bells and whistles. With no money down, he pays $399 per month and will own it outright in 8 years. He chain smokes with the windows up while his three children sit in the back. Nobody gets to sit up front. That seat's for his spittoon. A glorious brass relic from World War I. This priceless family heirloom/tobacco receptacle has been passed down from 3 generations. You would think that either cigarettes or smokeless tobacco would be sufficient. You would think wrong. Both are necessary to simultaneously achieve that heralded nicotine buzz. His over sized, ill-fitting, trapezoid-shaped ball cap reads, "USA - LOVE IT or LEAVE IT." Not to let the ball cap entirely steal the spotlight, his t-shirt reads "WORLD'S GREATEST DAD."

You see a car heading up to Oglebay for the Festival of Lights.
I see a four hour line of traffic in every conceivable direction. Somebody runs out of gas half way up the hill. The grandma thinks the car broke down and frantically dials 911 as the kids in the back seat weep uncontrollably. "But Gran-Gran, I want to see the Kwissmas Twee!" She barely makes it into Stratford Springs. The car is towed to the nearest parking garage. Alas, all it needed was a gallon of gas. The gauge on her 1989 Cutlass Cierra had been broken since 2004, but she forgot all about that. Her lapse in judgment is understandable. Just too preoccupied with the spirit of the season. Me too, I suppose.

Republican 2012 dilemma

There's one question that dominates the mind of every potential contestant in the 2012 Republican presidential primaries. Assuming "Sarah the Imbecile" runs, how do I get rid of her without alienating her base? For the record, history is replete with nicknames of political leaders. Ivan the Terrible, Alexander the Great... As of this moment, I'm starting an internet campaign to orchestrate a new means of identifying her - "Sarah the Imbecile." I think it has a nice ring to it. It could catch on - you just need someone with some clout to introduce it an opportune moment.

But the million dollar question remains, how do you dispose of this woman. Right now, the 3 other central competitors (Romney, Huckabee & Gingrich) are terrified of the self anointed mother gristle. Let's look down the road a bit. Most political hacks think she'll run. I tend to agree. But I think her popularity in Iowa, the initial primary, could be a tad inflated. Remember, the Iowa caucuses are unlike regular primaries. There's no secretive voting. They hold the caucuses out in the open. Whether it be in a church, a school or wherever. Basically, there's a large group of people. After everyone makes an impassioned plea for their respective candidate, you literally have to go and stand in a certain part of the room. Not a lot of people realize this. It's a very OPEN process and the Iowan voters take a great deal of pride in their traditional process. Palin never went through all this in 2008. She was simply handpicked by McCain for the VP slot. It's one thing for a registered dumbass to vote for her. It's entirely another matter for them to withstand the embarrassment and scrutiny of their friends and neighbors. When your peers are standing in judgment, and you're pressed with the question, "Do you really think she's qualified to be President of the United States," I strongly suspect many would fold under the pressure.

I don't doubt that Sarah the Imbecile has the "ovaries" to "woman up" and compete. I just don't think she'll compete effectively. No doubt her good 'ol fashioned common sense instincts will be seriously tested in town hall settings. Her impassioned tweets and sound bytes won't hold up so well. If somebody asked her what cities she planned on visiting... Well, other than Iowa City, I doubt she's familiar with Davenport and Des Moines. Well, she probably has visited some of those cities on her book tour but she probably refers to those municipalities as the one with the Sam's Club, Borders or Books a Million. Trust me, this dipshit thinks Barnes and Noble is a wine cooler.

The Republican party has demonstrated a tendency to go with the establishment pick. It's generally more of a closed process than the Democrats. Presidential candidates are usually the traditional pick. That's why I think it will eventually be Mitt Romney. Surprisingly, if you check the gambling odds, Palin's currently the front runner.

Sarah Palin +300
Mitt Romney +400
Bobby Jindal +500
Mike Huckabee +500
Tim Pawlenty +1000
Mark Sanford +1200
Charlie Crist +1200
David Petraeus +1500
Newt Gingrich +1500
Jeb Bush +2000
John McCain +2000
Rudolph Giuliani +1500
Ron Paul +2000

I'm a little surprised with these odds. Jindal is on record adamantly saying he will not run. Crist??? Isn't he an Independent who turned his back on the Republicans and then got crushed by Rubio in Florida. McCain again? Gimme a break. And where's John Thune from South Dakota? He'd have a respectable chance. Not sure if has the name recognition or cashflow though.

But still, the question persists - How do you get the Republican nomination without alienating the Palin's little trained minions? First off, as one of her opponents, you MUST have an appropriate answer for the main question - "Do you think Sarah Palin is qualified to be President of the United States?" You cannot dodge this question and sheepishly respond, "Well, that's a question for the American voters in the Republican primaries." That's a cop-out. Here's how I would answer the question everyone fears...

"Of course she is, she was our VP nominee at the 2008 Convention. She had a debate with Joe Biden? Didn't you watch it? They ran it on your network!" The point is, after the primary fades I think it's highly doubtful that the press will begrudgingly harp on the point that you said she was qualified. Other high priority issues will surface - they always do. You might get bashed on MSNBC, but hardly anyone who diligently watches that channel is going to give a damn. And it will eventually become a stale talking point.

Anyhoo, what's my point to all this incoherent blather. Well, here it is. I'm trying to figure out the inevitable Mitt Romney strategy for defeating Palin while simultaneously not alienating her legion of followers. I think it goes something like this...

Mitt - We need to put aside all the hot-button social and religious issues. These issues must take a temporary back seat as we struggle to save the country. Now is NOT the time to get mired in debates about gay marriage, abortion... We need to focus solely on jobs, the economy and the deficit.

This would play well because Romney has flip-flopped on abortion and has overtones as a social liberal because he's from the Northeast. And it also eliminates discussion of the Mormon tag which plays poorly in Georgia and the south and midwest. The move would be unprecedented since all the candidates have historically pandered to the extreme right wing.

He also is the only Republican candidate with REAL big business experience. I think he needs to come out swinging in this direction. It sets him apart from Huckabee the preacher, Sarah the Imbecile, and even Newt the cheater. Romney needs to make it look as though "it's me against the field." I think you come out forcefully with a statement that "I'm the ONLY solid candidate who's focused on the critical economic issues." All the others are only concerned with tv exposure and their social causes. If you want a celebrity, vote for one of them. If you want a Republican president on 2012, vote for me.

Sure enough, you'll take some hits form the anti-gay and pro-lifers, but I think drawing a distinction in the primaries is more crucial. It is of paramount importance. Plus, it's a great way to pivot into the general election, especially if the economy is still tanking (and yes, the overall economy is going to be the same or even worse for the vast majority of Americans). And when the dust finally settles, are any of these hard-line base Republicans going to vote for Obama? Fuck no. You'll easily get them back for the general election. Anyway, I suspect Romney will employ this kind of strategy. Watch for it - specifically, the tacit discouragement and rejection of traditional conservative social issues in 2012.

facebook cartoon pics/egging of Hummers

I never quite understood the mentality of changing ones profile pic on facebook to a cartoon character. It was initially portrayed as a way to empathize with the plight of child abuse. I guess that would sense to some people. It's relatively easy to convince people to take benign action when faced with an evasive, emotional issue. Supporting the troops, cutting the size of government, railing against childhood obesity, keeping pedophiles away from playgrounds, improving K-12 education, expressing love for your country, prayers to trapped miners, etc. All these are no-brainer issues, very Palinesque.

But something happened along the way with the cartoon profile pic. Someone out there in cyberworld made an allegation...

The people that started posting this thread/status update were pedophiles. That's right! They were trying to entice young children into "friending" them. Personally, when I first read that, I thought that sounded like a bit of a stretch. Fascinating though how quickly the non-snoped anti-cartoon profile thread is making the rounds. Probably because child abuse is such an enormous, hot-button issue.

It got me to thinking though. Mostly about the awesome power one could potentially harness by starting one of these status updates. When faced with an emotional statement, so many people make knee-jerk reactions rather than ask questions. I'm also guilty of this.

But the million dollar question, could people be motivated to commit random acts of violence or vandalism (much easier) based on one of these simplistic updates? Could you tactically phrase one of these updates concerning gay marriage, abortion, terrorism and then literally "pull the rug out from people" with some kind of counter-update conclusion? Could people be encouraged to turn on their "friends." Let's be blunt, most people have a few friends who they really don't know that well. Personally, I use the following scenario to gauge friendship - "have they ever been in my home" or "do I enjoy your presence" is a fairly good barometer. My point - when people have over 400 or so friends, most of these facebook friendships could easily be thrown out the window. You simply don't know them so it might be incredibly easy to turn on one of these acquaintances.

I'd like to create a status update based on my revulsion toward those idiot Hummer vehicles driven by wannabe, rugged trophy wives. I think they speak volumes about a person. The trick would be to make people believe that based on their purchase of a "knock-off" military vehicle that they have some kind of predisposition to believe something about our aggressive war policy. Perhaps a specific aspect about torture or enhanced interrogation techniques. Then, in a follow up post, you encourage people to throw eggs at the monster SUVs. This is a softer form of vandalism; thus, not as objectionable as say slashing tires.

I'd love to witness the universal "egging of Hummers." Has a nice ring to it aside from the strange, pseudo-sexual overtones. Just something to think about - an emotional appeal/facebook status update that encourages people to egg Hummers. The best place would be in grocery store parking lots since the availability of eggs is so convenient. And the act itself, not exactly a hate crime. More of a weak, random political statement. Shouldn't have bought one of those obnoxious gas guzzlers in the first place.

Maybe something like...

To everyone who owns a Hummer... Did you know that the creators of the Hummer brand were a group of militant Muslims? Their purpose was to increase our dependency on foreign oil. They purposely designed it to resemble our military vehicles as an inside joke on stupid Americans. If you see a Hummer in a grocery store parking lot, throw an egg at it. Copy and paste this to show your support for our troops and veterans!

Alright, now granted, that is a bit of a stretch. But you see where I'm heading. If anyone can come up with a better call to action, lemme know. By the time I leave this planet (I don't believe in silly notions of heaven or hell, and in all likelihood, I'll most likely be buried... so conventional wisdom says that I'll never "leave" the planet earth, unless NASA or the Virgin Atlantic dude offers assistance - proud distinction of the first atheist jew in orbit), I need to witness the egging of Hummers. It would be a source of tremendous pride to know that I was the one who got the ball (or for that matter, egg) rolling.

Buffalo Bills twitter

Yesterday, I watched the second half of the Steelers/Bills game at the 19th HO. Midway through overtime, Bills receiver Stevie Johnson dropped a perfectly thrown 50 yard pass in the end zone. After the game, he tweeted the following...

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO...

Now seriously, what the fuck is this? What the fuck does this even mean? It never ceases to amaze me how the human race is so incredibly self absorbed. Honestly, it defies description. I suppose it's an easy cop-out. After all, in this day of heightened religious sensitivity, if you blame a god for a trivial shortcoming, who's going to have the temerity to challenge that assessment. It would be akin to questioning someone's core beliefs. How dare you?

Of course, that's the beauty of steadfast devotion to a higher power. You can NEVER be adequately called upon to explain yourself. It's always about "faith." No wonder every politician claims a belief in the supernatural. You'll always be on relatively safe ground with the majority.

I have seen so many athletes praise and extol their lord for insignificant human victories. Over time, it really numbs your senses almost to the point of a casual indifference. Of course, they're not the only ones. Movie stars and musicians love invoking Jesus Christ when presented with an Emmy, Grammy or Teen Choice Award. Good for them. Over the years, I've grown accustomed to egomaniac athletes praising deities. This whole "god wants our team" to win mentality gets pretty annoying. On a global scale, I think it probably peaked in the 2006 World Cup when Iran kicked the USA's collective ass. For me personally, I lost it during the 1999 Rams/Titans Superbowl when Kurt Warner and the Rams owner (I think her name was Georgia Hess), thanked Jesus repeatedly after their team held on for the last second victory. She was literally screaming her brains out, "Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus!" Shouldn't they have made at least a cursory mention of the linebacker who made the last second tackle at the one yard line? What about the team bus driver that safely transported them to the venue? I wouldn't hastily dispute their contributions. Hell, I'd sooner pay homage to the janitor who scrubbed the stadium toilets.

I realize that I'll never be on the winning side of this argument. It's just too easy for feeble minded humans to embrace such simplistic notions of success and failure as it relates to the age old notions of good vs. evil.

But here's what I'd like to see more of... I'd like to see the losers PLACE MORE BLAME on their respective god. Now that would be long overdue. In my ideal world, where BALANCE is key, I would welcome this new found appropriation for defeat. Hell, tonight's mouthwatering Monday Night football match up is the Arizona Cardinals against the San Fransisco 49ers. Sucked. But the 49ers coach Mike Singletary is truly a man of god. He wears that mammoth cross on the outside of his sweatshirt. He must have some overriding need to demonstrate his Christian faith. I guess it's a "subliminal" message that he's on the side of virtue and truth. I'd love to see his team lose tonight. What if he had a total mental breakdown and pulled off a tearful Jerry Fallwell routine... "Oh, dear god, why hast though forsaken me? Why do I deserveth your wrath? Why must you inflict your misery upon thyself and punish the sodomizers of San Francisco?" I love the idea of Singletary blaming a football loss on the city's historic "embrace of the homos." Obviously, there must be a correlation. Has a nice Westboro Baptist Church feel to it, doesn't it?

Seriously though, the time has arrived to assign a greater amount of religious blame for the trivial transgressions of mankind...

Clogged toilet? Blame Jesus.
Erectile dysfunction? Blame Jesus.
Speeding ticket or DUI? Blame Jesus.

We need to establish a more balanced system of protocol for churchies everywhere. I consider this a moral imperative for societal enlightenment. Fuck it, they've already established the playbook and written the rules. I'm just trying to follow them. I call upon you, the reader of this eternally damned blog, to embrace this urgent call for balance. Sucky blog entry? Blame Jesus. On second thought, you know what? Fuck that! Blame Saf.

thoughts on North Korea

The timing of this Kim Jong-Un shelling of a South Korean island intrigues me. Let's set the stage. They're on the cusp of entering these 6 party talks. So perhaps a display of force was a good idea. Remember the beloved Ronald Reagan - "Peace through Strength." Well, that analogy is a bit of a stretch.

I think Kim Jong-Un made a purposeful, strategic decision designed to improve his standing in Asia. I'd assume that most would agree with that assessment. I doubt most people think this was the act of a "crazy" man. Although, the father Jong-Il was always portrayed as a paranoid freakshow nutcase.

I think his purpose was two-fold. First, he simply wanted to solidify his power as the next dictator. What better a way to demonstrate that then to lash out at your mortal enemy? But more importantly, because let's face it, this was not the most heinous, vicious attack in the history of modern warfare. I think the body count was 2. Not to besmirch the fallen heroes, but 2 is... well, 2. Jong-Un needed to cement his authority with the military. I'm sure there's at least a few in the extensive N. Korean military apparatus that might try a coup d'etat rout. This sends a simple, straightforward message - I'm the one who's the boss. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss - Slosh.

But here's what I think this is really all about. I think Jong-Un is in the early stages of creating a new shift in the power balance. And I think he picked a good time to do it. If I were Jong-Un, when I enter the upcoming 6 party talks, I'll immediately decry the U.S. military presence in South Korea. I'll immediately call for a reasonably timed and phased withdrawal of U.S. troops on the border. I'll make the argument that my country has already been lumped in with the axis of evil (Bush's Iran, Iraq, North Korea bit). Hell, just because W is out of office doesn't mean shit. Obama hasn't spoken against the Bush doctrine. At least not that I can recall. Obama just doesn't label everyone who hates the U.S. a terrorist.

Anyway, if I'm Jong-Un, I'll commence any political bargaining from this vantage point. The U.S. is severely bogged down right now, both militarily and economically. Horrible time to further expose our exhausted military with an entirely new war front on a different continent. I'll point to the enormous American military presence throughout the world. Aside from our troops throughout EVERY country in the Middle East, when you think about it, we've got a ton of military might stationed in Asia as well. Jong-Un can just make the relatively sound case - "Hey, the Americans are all around us and they've already invaded before. Do we really want them muscling in AGAIN? I think China might go along with some carefully crafted rhetoric. Japan, Taiwan - no fucking way.

This would strengthen China's position as well. Hell, when the conflict with Islam finally begins to fade, China is likely the next enemy. Not in a traditional military sense though. Probably a sustained economic war with an occasional military skirmish. Anyway, I think Jong-Un knows what he's doing. I suspect he'll prematurely withdraw from the 6 party talks and demand the U.S. draw down its hostile presence. He'll promise to reenter future peace talks when he sees visual proof of the draw down. I think the 6 party talks will unfold under this general format, but Jong-Un will be left with greater standing, and believe it or not, more regional respect. At least that's how I'd approach this mess. Oh yeah, and call for more international economic aid for my enfeebled populace. You can never go wrong with the case for increased aid - reminds everyone that you are weak and on the defense. It's a better public relations perspective for this style of dictator - Feigning weakness even though you are surprisingly negotiating from a position of relative strength. I don't think you'll see a near-term escalation of military might. This North Korean outburst might appear sudden, but the objectives are long term. Jong-Un knows he's just starting out and has a long way to go. He really is a chip off the old block.

Now I will watch a true drama unfold. I'm going to check me out some young Palin on the Dancing with the Stars finale. Honestly, I've never seen it. No sarcasm here. I just need to see if Bristol wins, and as an esteemed surrogate for her mother flippin' mama, announces Mommy dearest's presidential candidacy for 2012. With Sarah's new book tour just getting underway, it's a win-win. Classy. Go get'em.

One final thought - I have no allegiance to North Korea or its leadership. Lately, I get the feeling there's some moron out there in cyberworld who would read this and conclude that I'm a Kim Jong Il/Un sympathizer. Maybe I'm even cahoots! You know, providing strategic advice to a member of the vaunted axis of evil. Kim Jong-Saf... I'll admit, it does have a nice ring to it.

shuttle/Raiders-Steelers game

So I got back from Arizona and I'm in the shuttle van returning to the extended lot (Red F-13) at the Pittsburgh airport. There are 7 of us. I'm sitting directly across from a 10 year old who was celebrating his birthday. He was accompanied by his grandparents. They were discussing their trip to Disney with a priest who was seated to my right. The grandmother was a large woman - I'd estimate she weighed in near the 268 lb range. Not quite sure why I find that detail pertinent. Apparently they spent 10 days out west and were headed back to Latrobe.

And here is a snippet of the conversation...

Grandma - "Ohh, we had a wonderful time. The fireworks were incredible.

Priest - "Did you see the presidents? Isn't that something?"

Grandma - "Oh yeah, they were amazing. So lifelike. It felt like they could reach out and touch you."

10 yr. old boy - He looks in the priest's direction and inquires, "Are you a priest?"

Priest - "As a matter of fact, I am."

10 yr. old boy - "When I grow up, I want to be a priest!"

Priest - "Ohhh, that's wonderful!"

Grandma - "Ever since he was a young boy, he's always loved going to church. You should have seen him at the baptism when he was a young boy. His arms were outstretched. And he loves the fish fries too! Don't ya?"

kid - Ohhh yeah, I just love fish!"

Priest - "Ohhh, God bless you."

Then, for the love of god, I decide to speak..

SAF - "Apparently, he's probably unfamiliar with the pedophile scandal historically sweeping through the church."

Grandma - "Seems like your parents never taught you any manners."

SAF - "Well... they tried but it didn't take."

Then there was this incredibly awkward silence for about almost an entire minute.

Bus driver - "F-13!," he cries out.

I scramble to my feet and politely nod in their direction, grab my luggage and exit. And that's pretty much the end of it.

-------------------------------------------

And here's my take on the Steelers/Raiders game. It was 3 of us. Me, Gig and her friend Emily who made a surprise visit from Seattle. I constructed a sign that read...

I DEMAND A FREE TICKET
or
THE CASH EQUIVALENT

U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A.!


The sign was written on the back of a coke 12 pack. I utilized a twig backing (carton-packing taped) for additional height. I was trying to convey a wide range of emotions. Obviously, the typical arrogant American sense of entitlement was center stage. And the Palinesque "U.S.A." bit was designed to evoke a phony, cornballish sense of patriotism for anyone who might be easily influenced. The "cash equivalent" request was admittedly a bit of a stretch. It's my dream that some sugar daddy might come along and ask me if I have change for a hundred, to which I'd respond, "Sure thing my man, here's a twenty." The stick-taped backing was a little bit ghetto but I liked the understated, blue collar approach. I even wore this yellow oven mitt. I was attempting to recreate a Michael Jackon/Liza Minelli glitteratti thing. All in all, I was trying to appeal to everyone across the board. Throw it all out there and see what unfolds.

Gig went with the traditional sign. "If you give me a free ticket, I promise I won't sit by you"

Emily had no sign. She thought we were both weirdos.

Ironically, Emily quickly snagged a ticket for $20. My sign seemed to be working against us. I got a few deranged looks here and there but little commentary. Gig received a far more positive response but nobody was biting. Tix seemed relatively scarce around 12:30pm. Sensing an underlying discreet vitriolic vibe, I rested the sign against the bench and just watched the crowd roll in.

Nearing crunch time I walked to the top of the steps and found an old man. He sold me a $200 club seat for $20. And then Gig conjured up a 20 buck ticket right at kick-off. We gobbled up the rest of our drinks, a mamosa and some red wine and headed in. Great game - Steelers 35 Raiders 3.

On the flight back from Phoenix, I sat next to a die hard Raider fan and his son. In fact, the plane had plenty of Raiders fans. I surmised that it originated in Oakland as that is one of the Southwest Air hubs. He had me totally convinced that the Raiders would pull off the upset. He kept spouting stats and betting trends. He called it Raiders 31 Steelers 10. Well... at least he got some nice California weather.

flippin' Patriots

Ahhh, the witty banter of Sarah Palin... If she went to the game last night she'd probably say, "Regardless of the loss, that Steelers game was flippin' fun!" Is it any wonder why I loathe this woman? Fortunately, she's over 2,000 miles away. Well, until her book tour rolls back through the area. One day I will pulverize this self-proclaimed Mama Grizzly. This, I vow.

Anyway, I might up with Gig and we headed down to the mayhem around 4pm. Parked on a creepy side street on the North Shore. I think it was called Fontilla Avenue. Armed with an unnecessarily massive amount of Steelers key chains, we did some low end solicitation. Someday, I'll get rid of all that unofficial merchandise. The rain was kind of annoying and set the stage for a melancholy tailgating atmosphere. Things finally cleared up but the general mood remained stale.

Gig and I had 2 signs...

IF YOU GIVE ME A FREE TICKET
I PROMISE I WON'T SIT NEAR YOU

&

I NEED A FREE TICKET

PLEASE...
JUST DON'T EAT IT

We assumed our standard position - standing on the bench outside Gate A. In about 20 minutes, a man would hand me the elusive free ticket. It was a club level seat ($252 face). He seemed happy just to give it away. I was content to accept the magnanimous gesture.

Then, it got a little weird. A policeman told us to "lose the signs." We both said okay but remained standing. We talked about the unreasonable nature of his demands but complied with the order (for about 5 minutes). Then, he walked away and the signs went back up. Oh my god, the utter defiance! It was like Jean-Luc Picard disregarding the prime directive. Anyway, another cop comes over, but he just wanted to see the signs. He just smiled and walked back to his post by the main gate. This emboldened us a bit, but we still couldn't seem to acquire the second freebie.

Truth be told, it was a pretty "tight" scene. Not a whole lot of action. Then, about 15 minutes passed and the original cop returned with one of the stadium security people. This time he was pissed off. He growled at us, "I already told you guys once! Get down form there and give me those signs or you'll be arrested! Do you understand?" We just mumbled "okay, sorry." Then, that bastard took both our signs. I'm thinking to myself a few things...

1) I spent about 4 minutes making those signs.
2) Regardless of the fact that the signs are basically worthless, isn't it illegal for him to just steal them from us?
3) Apparently, we're allowed to stand on the bench, so the elevation part wasn't the problem. It's just the signs. Is it okay to just yell and beckon for free tickets? Personally, I think the latter sounds more invasive and obnoxious.
4) And lastly, we still need another free ticket.

Anyhoo, now signless we walked toward lot A. Not too much action. Then I saw a guy who had an extra. He wanted face but quickly dropped to $20. I met up with Gigi and she also had found a $20 ticket. So we sold hers off for $20 and that pretty much concluded our ticket quest.

The fireworks were pretty impressive. We went in and snagged a front row spot on the railing in the end zone. I usually stand in the pit and watch it on the big screen. But this wasn't bad because you could turn your head and see the critical plays and referee calls. A guy next to us yelled, "Brady is a cunt!" I thought that was an unusual choice of words. As the half came to a close, I figured we'd lose this one. Just no pressure on Brady as he picked apart our secondary.

During halftime, we wandered to the other end of the stadium. Mid-way through the third, we opted to bolt. I know, I know... I'm always quick to ridicule the lame-ass fans that leave early but we were both wet, cold and poorly dressed. So we zipped to her place and watched the rest of the game. At the end of that debacle late in the 4th quarter, the stadium looked desolate. No thanks to us. We flippin' suck. And so does that cop that harassed us and broke the law. What's this flippin' world coming to?

This morning I noticed the receipt ticket had a name on it. David Dichauzi of Winchendon, Massachusetts. I googled his name and sure enough he came up on facebook. So I sent him a message of gratitude. David, if by chance you ever read this, just know the sentiment was deeply appreciated. If only others were more like Dave and less like that arrogant, thug cop with an inferiority complex, the world (and Steelers games) would be a much better (and flippin') place.

free Steelers theory

I've often boasted of my ability to snag free tickets at Steelers games. To be honest, when they're not doing well, it's relatively easy. The number of no-shows is sometimes absurd. We went to see them play the Green Bay Packers last year and they still had a remote shot of making the playoffs. The weather was cold but hardly unbearable. Over 7,000 people didn't show up. My sign said...

IF YOU DON'T GIVE US
FREE TICKETS,
YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE

The first guy we encountered dished us off 2 freebies. Now granted, this game was a complete lay-down. Fuck it - I've encountered greater resistance trying to buy a Coors Light at the 19th HO. But it got me to thinking. You always see these articles about how much it costs for a family of 4 to go to an NFL game. Somehow, it seems to approach the $750 threshold. And that's for the seats in peanut heaven.

So let's try to do the exact opposite. I'm going to lay out a deceptively unsophisticated game plan to get you on your way.

Here's the hypothetical scenario for the Steelers/Raiders game on Nov. 21. It's currently scheduled for 1pm but it could turn into a night game based on the flex scheduling. I doubt they'll move it though because the Steelers have already had a glut of prime time games (that's because the Steelers rock, but I digress).

Alright, we're coming from Wheeling so git in your car at 8am sharp. I have no tolerance for a late departure. In my book, 9:30am is always the latest acceptable departure time. Why would anyone want to sit in that bullshit traffic and forfeit valuable sightseeing/tailgating time? So the drive up is going to cost you in terms of gas money. But I have figured a way to shave off some dollars. When you get on the parkway, get off at the Green Tree exit on 279N. Make a left and go through 2 lights. On your right is the Best Western Parkway Center Hotel. It's a large hotel with ample parking. Enter the lobby on any Sunday and you will see a mammoth, deluxe complimentary breakfast. All the fixins! Even kosher low fat Jew ham! So stock up. You'll feel like it's a Bob Evans buffet. Alas, you're not really "down on the farm." More likely, you're "up on the hill at a horribly disjointed intersection." Anyway, just relax and get a grip. Read the sports section and feel free to use the immaculate restrooms in the lobby.

Here's where the entertainment begins. They run a free shuttle from the hotel to Heinz Field and the casino. As a "valued customer," feel free to hop on. I would suggest tipping the driver about 3 bucks. Hell, it's a gesture. And he/she is going to drop you down right at the main entrance. So fuck that $50 Gold Lot parking pass or that $40 Carnegie Science Center Lot bullshit. And the myriad of $25-$30 spots on the North Side can also go to hell.

Or you can just make the drive down to the North Shore. I prefer off street parking near the main drag - Federal Street in the crack district and greater meth area. It's about a 3/4 mile to the stadium.

Alright, so you just saved a bundle on parking. But what about alcohol? No self described fan can go to a Sunday afternoon game without imbibing a few drinks to get in the mood. At least, that's the impression I've gotten over the years. The rampant alcohol and substance abuse is on par with a Skynyrd concert at Starlake. So Saffy, how do you get free drinks? EASY. Have a dollar bill in your hand and approach a group of tailgaters drinking cheap canned domestic beer - Miller Lite or IC Light is always the best because you know it didn't cost them much. Look for the moment when a man is talking to his wife or girlfriend. Ask the following question, "Hey you guys, could I buy a beer off you for a buck?" 9 times out of 10, the guy will toss you a beer and say, "Oh, don't worry about it man." It's important to always ask the male though, not the woman. The man will always want to appear benevolent and philanthropic in front of his lady friend. Oddly enough, it doesn't work as well if you ask the girl.
You can do this one all day long.

If mixed drinks are your thing, fill up a high quality ziplock bag with Captain Morgan. Yellow and blue make green, asshole. Just make sure to seal it thoroughly. I'd suggest 2 ziplock bags as opposed to just a single. You still have to buy a Coke or Sprite on the inside though. But there you go. You'll feel like you're in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Well, on second thought it's a ghetto approach so maybe a cross between downtown Kingston and the northern Ukraine.

But Saf, I want to buy some official Steelers merchandise. What about that? Well, personally I'm not a big fan of the $250 Polamalu jersey. Now if some brother approached me on the street corner and had a $10 t-shirt that said, "Big Ben Raped My Mom" - well.... I'd probably cave. But yeah, what about some over-priced NFL gear for the pseudo, wannabe fan, lame ass American consumer/sheep? Here's what I would do. I would get 2 yellow dishrags or hand towels from the bathroom closet. Bingo! Instant 25 cent terrible towel. There you go. I usually carry a black marker at all times. So just right the word "Steelers" on it. Or better yet, write "GAY" on it - a tribute to our cornerback William Gay. It's my dream that one day, he makes a big hit on Terrell Owens over the middle. The TV announcer yells out, "Oh No! Sodomized by Gay!" (A Freudian slip) Is it doubtful... yes. Is it possible? Well, maybe in the 1-2% range. Still though, dare to dream.

Another option for free merchandise is just to sign up for a credit card and get a free Steelers Snuggie or crappy, mid-end fleece. Then, immediately cancel the card the following day. You could provide false information, but these days, they almost always check your drivers license to verify everything. Another option is to create a diversion. Have a friend fall to his knees like he's having a heart attack or a diabetic reaction. When the Visa-Mastercard asshole offers assistance, sneak behind the stand and snag 10 t-shirts. As you walk away, yell "Steelers shirts! 1 for $10, 2 for $15!"

But Saf, I need tickets and the damn game is sold out. Yeah, they've been sold out since 1973 and the waiting list is 10,000 douchebags thick. So now I'm going to give away the infamous Saffy/Steelers free ticket acquisition theory. If you read my blog about the Ravens game from a few weeks ago, you'd know I made a sign that said...

IF YOU GIVE ME A FREE TICKET,
I PROMISE I WON'T SIT NEXT TO YOU

Needless to say, it worked in less than 5 minutes. A man gave me an $86 ticket in the 500 section. Now, you can make a sign say anything you want and you'll get predictably limited results. The trick is in the execution. When you stand outside the main entrance, there are a series of 6 benches that run parallel to the main gates. Simply step up and stand on the bench. I prefer bench #2. I'll label it accordingly when I'm at the game next week (Sunday fucking night - Bellifuck is comin' to town! Honestly though, I prefer him over Santa). Anyhoo, this forces about 40,000 out of the 65,050 entrants to read your sign. Play the laws of probability. There are many "fans" (I'd say about 32 people, mostly older white men) that regularly eat their tickets. They usually sit in the obnoxiously overpriced 200 club level. These are the $250 seats. They are unwilling to sell them for fear of sitting next to a drunken, snotting slob while they entertain their derivative trading clients. They also don't want some weirdo dressed like a Catholic priest with a black and gold hat trying to molest their grandkids. Speaking of odd head gear, I'm finally going to construct my black and gold "Terrible Turban." This is the final step in bridging the gap between atheist Jews and militant Islamic fundamentalists. With my assistance, we'll usher in that new found era of cultural understanding and acceptance that has proved so defiantly elusive since Jesus Christ died for my sins or Mohammed slaughtered a cow or whatever.

So there you go. I think we covered all the basics. Food, beverages, merchandise, and tickets of course. Saf, how can you give away these precious game day secrets. It's easy I tell ya. See, I also play the laws of probability. Let's assume there's about a baker's dozen weirdos who regularly read my blog. Of that 13, 3 have never been to a Steelers game. 1 has never been to Pittsburgh. Another 4 can't tolerate the concept of standing on a bench, opening themselves up to potential scorn and ridicule. That's right - It comes with the territory, bitches. Another 2 don't like to be outside in the cold. And another 1 thinks NFL Football sucks. He/she prefers going to church on a Sunday. Weak. That leaves 2 people to compete with on game day. I'll take my chances.

And just for the record, here's my 5 team parlay. 3 upsets, 1 over, 1 under.

I like CAROLINA over New Orleans (7 point underdog)
Buffalo over Chicago (3 point underdog)
and INDY over Philly (another 3 point underdog).
Take the OVER 40 in the AZ at Minnesota
and take the UNDER 44.5 in the New England at Cleveland.

I don't bet anymore but it pays $20 to win $1,267.

Sarah Palin in Wheeling, WV/Tea Party rally at the Heritage Port

This afternoon I was checking out the Wheeling UnIntelligencer website and the "Breaking News" scrolled across the screen...

SARAH PALIN TO ADDRESS THE TEA PARTY AT THE HERITAGE PORT

Needless to say, I quickly finished my Halloween costume (a Dolph Santorine name tag that says "Hello, my name is Dolph") and rushed out the door. It said the rally would start at 3:30 and here it was already 3:45pm. I made it downtown in 5 minutes flat. Fortunately, it had just begun. So here are my "unbiased" observations...

I parked in the United Bank lot and walked down. Lots of "Raese for Governor" and just as many "Manchin = Obama" signs littered the walkway. Plenty of vendors selling buttons and t-shirts. Most of the stuff was par for the course. Lots of red, white and blue. Let's get further immersed in stars and stripes. Plenty of abstract themes about freedom, liberty and less government. A few people had flags that read "Don't tread on me." And of course, there was the typical anti-Pelosi/Reid/Obama material as well. Who could have fathomed that one? I'll give the Tea Party credit for one thing - they don't vary much from their talking points. They have a mission statement and they stick to it.

I'd estimate the crowd at about 280 (and that could be a little generous). Considering that the weather was decent (pleasant and around 50 degrees), I'm surprised more people weren't in attendance. Then again, 4pm was rapidly approaching. I'll surmise that most of the crowd was en route to Mehlman's Cafeteria for the dinner rush. The crowd was OLD and WHITE. I did see one black man with a black trench coat and a long braided pony tail who was rather conspicuous. Plenty of people waving American flags and saluting anything in their collective peripheral vision.

What I found surprising was the lack of security. The crowd was calm, orderly and remained seated. Nonetheless, there will only 3 local city cops at the top of the steps. Considering how much this crowd loves their guns, I wondered if anyone at the Heritage Port was armed. I'm guessing maybe a few had concealed weapons. Maybe not. I could have made quite a big splash with my anti Sarah Palin sign. You know, the one that says...

SARAH,

ARE DINOSAURS REALLY
4,000 YEARS OLD?

YOU BETCHA!

Seriously, I should have brought it but wasn't in the mood to take in all the hostility. In retrospect, I really should have brought the sign. CNN and Fox were both there and it probably would have caused a commotion. Plus, there were several other signs and much larger flags in the audience. I could have stood off to the side with my elevated sign. In retrospect, I think I'm just growing more cautious with age. In further retrospect, I suck. Honestly, why would I be so lame? And for Satan's sake, it's Halloween!

Anyway, the leader of rally - a local, large housewife initiated the Pledge of Allegiance. The crowd dutifully responded in unison. She introduced John Raese and he was warmly received. He didn't have much to say. Then, all of a sudden, they introduced our knight in shining Armour - or queen of Spam if you prefer... SARAH PALIN! The crowd erupted. Well, "erupted" is a bit strong. Think of the level of excitement that would ensue if they announced 50% off stool softener at a Methodist church bingo.

Sarah looked pretty sharp in her dark leather get-up. She blabbed for about 5 minutes about how much she loves coal, West Virginia and country music. And of course how much she loves freedom, liberty and the constitution. Not much substance with either refrain. Just the typical cheerleading that has cemented her in the hearts of bible belters who love that American Idolesque enthusiasm. Hey, just because you're some old, encrusted bean counting honky from Oakmont or Barrington, doesn't mean you don't get a piece of the action. This afternoon Halloween party's for you!

Anyway, she concluded with standard "God Bless you! God Bless DiCarlo's Pizza! God Bless West Virginia! And of course, God Bless America! As an atheist Jew, it's much harder for me to get ramped up. Then, she was swarmed for about 8 minutes by people seeking autographs. Keep in mind, these were the younger people who didn't have walkers or weren't confined to wheelchairs. Anyway, some other guy got up and started again with the anti Nancy Pelosi/Harry Reid rhetoric. God damn, I hope Harry Reid wins on Tuesday. I think he will. I'm not a big fan. Personally, I'd prefer a Senate Majority leader with at least some kind of attitude (maybe a damp kitchen rag would suffice). But for the love of Allah... Sharon Angle is a right wing lunatic. At least she's an idiot right winger and not a Newt Gingrich intellectual. I guess that bodes well for her demise.

Anyway, I came to see the human I hate the most on the planet earth and was successful. I sometimes wonder who is a more dangerous character - Palin or Ahmedinajad? Palin or Robert Mugabe? Palin or Ayman Al-Zawahiri? I'm not joking. The latter are all villains but their capability to inflict immense damage is for the most part, neutralized. Hating her just comes so naturally. Seriously, how can anyone pass on the opportunity to see that finely tuned, shrill Alaskan section of discarded labia.

And I've got bad news for all the tea baggers that showed up for this rally on the muddy banks of the Ohio River...
Aside from the fact that you can suck my dick, Harry Reid will win & Manchin's gonna win too. And I have a strange hunch that Sestak is going to beat Toomey in PA. I can't wait for the election returns on Tuesday night. Republicans will win the House, but there's no way in hell they'll win the Senate. Perhaps some constructive gridlock will be beneficial for the country. But honestly, I doubt it. This country is fucked up. Neither party can save it nor wants to save it. All they want is the notion of control. You'd think I was a diehard liberal. Not really, but compared to that Earl Grey Tea Bagging rally.... YOU BETCHA!

Maury Povich "intern" program

To claim I have issues with the existence of Maury Povich would be a vast understatement.

http://www.mauryshow.com/intern.php

Incidentally, I love the diverse ethnic mix of interns who hover around Maury in the footage. Should they have used a Pakistani with a turban? Perhaps a Jew with a yarmulke would have been sufficient.

So what's with this insatiable quest for interns? Just how many staffers does Maury Pukich need for his idiot show? And what function could they possibly serve? Other than the brunette woman in her late 30's who brings the babies on stage to adequately celebrate positive paternity outcomes... Actually, I like this woman with the non-speaking role. I dream of the day when she walks out onstage with a giant jar of Hellman's mayonnaise. Maury pipes out, "Bring out the Hellman's!" And the crowd fires back in unison, "Bring out the best!"

But seriously, why the endless demand for so many interns? To get Maury's dry cleaning. Maybe give blow-jobs to security personnel? Fetch the lie-detector administrator a scone? Prep the crowd with weird sounding "booooo" noises?

But again, here's the million dollar question - Why would the producers waste precious advertising time with these never-ending appeals for college interns? Well, I have the real answer. The truth is - they're not really searching for interns. What they really want is a letter of "accreditation" from the college or university. Check this out - it's from Maury's website...


Students selected MUST be able to receive college credit for the internship. *Please note that the student will need to submit a letter from their college or university on official college letterhead to the internship supervisor at The Maury Show prior to the internship start date stating that the college or university is aware that the student is undertaking the internship and that the institution agrees to award academic credits upon successful completion of the internship.

So what's the problem here Saf? They want these kids to receive the allotted educational credit for participating in the valuable intern program. WRONG. If you believe this, you're a complete fucking idiot. My best guess is that they're abusing or possibly in cahoots with some back door government program sponsored by the Department of Education. If a producer from the show could prove that there is an overwhelming demand for interns and be able to substantiate this with a flood of paperwork from hundreds of different institutions of higher learning, I'm sure that some form of government funding comes rolling in. It must serve to "legitimize" their bullshit programming in some misguided layer of bureaucracy. Honestly, can anyone give me a better explanation why they'd run that same ad beckoning for interns everyday?

My other hunch is that it could be a simple way to funnel marketing information. If you're searching for the most gullible and naive segment of the population, I'd generally look to a Maury/Springer based audience. To be blunt, this really isn't programming for the most discerning viewer. That's why they have those incrediby lame polling questions? Maury says, "Call me and tell me what you think! You'll also hear incredible offers and special promotions! So call Maury, now!" This is nothing more than the acquisition of straight-up telemarketing info. It reminds me of the booths at county fairs that "give away" a trip to the Bahamas or a brand new car. Hey douchebag, just fill out the entry form. You could win the grand prize. Or well, at the very least, you'll get a call on Monday at 9:03am from some guy named Singh in Hyderabad, India.

Westboro review from Wheeling, WV

Always an advocate for some of the more extreme elements of free speech, I felt compelled to go down to the Woodsdale/Fulton exit in Wheeling yesterday afternoon. The Westboro Baptist churchies were back. This was a different crew though. They only had one child with them, 6 adults and a somewhat attractive brunette girl in her late 20's. They were supposed to be at Wheeling Jesuit University, but opted for the much busier intersection by Perkins Restaurant.

There were 2 cops who stood diligently across the road as well as some younger counter-protesters. Three of them were from Columbus, Ohio and had decided to follow them to Dayton and then backtrack to Wheeling. They offered everyone an absurd amount of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (disgusting) and a smorgasbord of homemade cookies (much better). I had one of the raisin oatmeal ones. Above average. They carried some scribbled signs that read "Jesus Loves Westboro" and "God loves you" (predictably weak and beyond lame). I've seen better artwork from most second graders. Nice kids though.

As a collector of oddities and unusual propaganda, it was my intention to secure one of their signs for my household. Seriously, what a great conversation starter. I suppose I could just make a replica, but that's quite the pathetic effort. Instead, I had hoped to get a teenager on a bike to steal one of them for me. Maybe pay him $20-$40 for it later at a nearby undisclosed location. I spoke with some of the anti-protesters and they suggested I simply just ask them for a sign. They claimed they wouldn't accept cash but might simply relinquish a sign if they thought it would further their cause.

So as the protest wound down, they headed for their Blue Ford Econoline Van (different than what they drove last time - an old Plymouth Voyager). I approached them on the sidewalk...

"Hey you guys, I know this might sound like an unusual request, but I was wondering if I could have one of your signs... you know, if you have any extra."

No repsonse

"Uhhh yeah, I'm just fascinated with freedom of speech issues and if you could find it in your heart. I'm sure you have some extra in the van. I'm willing to take anything you got."

Still no response as they walked briskly toward the back of the lot. They all seemed programmed to automatically ignore my request.

"Hey uhhh, I know it's a little out of the ordinary but I'd be deeply appreciative. Seriously, I'd even be willing to pay for your lunch or something.

Their blatant indifference was starting to get on my nerves. These morons were just singing up a storm and telling everyone they're going to hell and this and that, but they seemed vehemently opposed to any other form of discourse, even just simple small talk.

Now I'm disturbed. Finally, I say, "What's wrong with you people. Can't you even respond? Do you lack the ability to form a verbal response.

Finally, the leader/driver (male in his 40's) grunts, "NO! We need the signs for the tour!"

I quip back, "Alright, thanks for nothing you idiots. Was that so hard? Like it's a matter of life or death that you can't speak. Idiots."

They just ignored me and jumped in the van and rolled onto "their next gig on the tour" at Trinity High School in Washington, PA. A bunch of college age kids were left walking around the Perkins lot. They kind of resembled zombies on this overcast, dreary day. All in all, I'd have to say I was very disappointed. There was hardly any interaction with motorists. Out of 25 minutes, I'd say only 7 or 8 cars honked their horns. One guy in a truck yelled "Fuck You" and I saw a girl in a Nissan give them the finger. But other than those isolated reactions, the citizens of Wheeling pretty much pretended that nothing was even happening. Talk about lifeless. How much effort does it take to roll down the window, and tell them to "eat shit and die" or "go fuck their mother" or something. Am I really asking to much?

That speaks to the overall complacency of Wheelingites. The vast majority have no balls, testicular fortitude, ovaries or even slightly elevated estrogen levels. They seem content to sit on their front porch, incessantly smoke cheap cigarettes and most important, no talking under any circumstances. Unless it's a critical discussion about a coupon for 10 cents off ranch dressing. That savings of a dime will really come in handy on that oversized $3.99 bottle. And considering the urgency among locals to overdress their iceberg lettuce to the point where the fucking salad starts to resemble the Puget Sound...

All in all, no sign was obtained and the whole excursion ranked extremely low on the entertainment factor. Last time they came was vastly superior. I'm curious to see how the U.S. Supreme Court rules on their right to protest. I'll be shocked if they don't get a unanimous ruling in their favor. Maybe Scalia and Roberts vote no. My prediction - Westboro Baptist Church wins either 9-0, 8-1 or at the worst 7-2. What a conundrum... I despise, detest, loathe and have trememndous animosity for religious dumbshits but I completely stand behind them and embrace their 1st Amendment rights.

Ravens/sign/bum/parking ticket

So yeah, the big Steelers game was yesterday. If I was going to get a free ticket, I knew I'd have to come up with a strong sign. My original idea for a sign regarding Ravens kicker BILLY CUNDIFF would have have a little cardboard flap over the "D" - thus when you flip it up it turns into BILLY CUNTIFF. As strong as I thought it was, I don't think it would have helped much with the quest for a freebie.

Then on Friday afternoon I was in the shower and I had a revelation. I made a sign that said...

IF YOU GIVE ME A FREE TICKET,
I PROMISE I WON'T SIT NEXT TO YOU

I was at Oglebayfest all day Saturday so I was a bit under the weather Sunday morning. But armed with my ghetto sign and three water bottles containing the drink of excitement, I cruised up to the stadium solo. I parked on West North Ave on the North Shore next to a church. Hooked up with a bunch of the revelers who were rocking it out across from PNC Park. Got to utilize one of the nicest semi-public restrooms in the bar at the Marriott. Discovering this place was a urinary gift from above. Kind of like god administering a golden shower of sorts.

We started our trek to the stadium at noon. As expected, very few extra tickets were floating around. At 12:20pm I stood up on the bench outside the main entrance and held up my sign. Within 3-4 minutes, an older man looked at me and said, "Are you really going to honor that commitment?" He flashed the "coveted golden ticket" in his outstretched hand. I gave him a slightly suspicious look, "Are you serious?" Then he hands me the ticket as I began to celebrate. I handed him a bunch of Steelers key chains and thanked him profusely. Fuckin' A. That was too easy. I knew there's always a few people that eat tickets but I figured they'd be the suite level arrogant fucks with unlimited cash to burn - any of that sound familiar??? This seat was section 510 Row P. I decided to try for another ticket since I had set my own personal over/under at 2 tickets. Nobody else would bite, but I was very content. Seriously, a freebie ticket for a high profile game like this. On the way in, I heard a dimwitted man say he'd be willing to pay $250 for a single. What a douche.

Anyway, I'm still standing on the bench just after kickoff and this quasi-homeless black man with dreads starts yelling at me. "Get down from there! I need to sit down!" Then this asshole starts grabbing at my leg. And this particular bench was a little wobbly. I yell back, "Get your fucking hands off me!" All of a sudden, a cop shows up and summons me over. I explain to him that this weirdo freakfuck started grabbing at me. "I don't care if he's some weirdo. He can't go around fucking with people like this." The cop just smiled half-heartedly and said, "Hey man, you gotta just let it go." I figured - oh well, might as well just head in. I look back at the asshole and he's smiling at me, mumbling to himself, sitting on the bench. Apparently, Scottie and Schneid had witnessed the whole altercation from the 5th level railing. They seemed to enjoy the floor show. I'm still a little pissed off but considering my plan for a free Steelers ticket worked perfectly, I suppose I'll chalk it up to "taking one for the team."

Of course, we lost a heartbreaker. When I get back to the car there's a parking ticket on my windshield for $120.00. Keep in mind, there was no meter, no yellow line, no fire hydrant, no nothing. In fact there was no warning anywhere. On the ticket it reads...

1 Hour Parking
No Visitor Pass

Well, when I got to Gig's house she explained that it was parking for the church. What the fuck is that even supposed to mean? Visitor pass??? What if my atheist Jew ass needs more than an hour to adequately pray, repent or spiritually suck god's cock. Honestly though, I did notice that the curb was about half the height of a regular curb. I suppose this is for people in wheelchairs to have easier access to the house of worship. Fuck them. I will not pay this ticket. Complete bullshit. If I ever have future issues, I'll just say I never got it. Maybe it blew off the windshield. I almost never park up there anyway. Total fucking bullshit. As long as they can't issue a misdemeanor warrant, I'll be alright. On the ticket , it just gets upped to $158 if you don't pay it in a month, it does say they can put an immobilization boot on my car. To that I say, fuck da police!

Steelers 14
Ravens 17

And for all you Baltimore fans, here's a quote from Edgar Allen Saf - "Fuck da Ravens!"
Fun time though.