B&B

There was a lengthy article in yesterdays Wheeling Unintelligencer about this woman who's opening a bed and breakfast in North Wheeling. Cool. Apparently, she had to go through some rigorous process to get the proper zoning ordinance. Way to go. F'in A.
Who the fuck opens a B&B in North Wheeling? First off, it's in that giant house right next to I 70 on Market Street. Aren't these places supposed to be all about peace and tranquility? Why would you open one up that's basically right on top of the 3rd busiest interstate in the country? I think 95 and 10 are first and second - just speculating. Can you imagine trying to sleep and while some 18 wheeler is barrelling through? Only in Wheeling.
Now, how about that lovely setting, huh? Yeah, it's serene. Whether it's some homeless dude sleeping on a bench or perhaps the cunting whore involved in a domestic squabble, this just ain't right. And why is it that every male (in the 16-30 age bracket) is shirtless in North Wheeling? They wander to that Convenient with their shorts around their ankles and use the only pay phone in all of Wheeling to make crucial drug purchases. And I'm not talking weed. More like some kind of black tar heroin shit.
And how about the mattresses? I have no proof but I'm pretty sure she uses the pee stanied ones from the St. Vincent's (which incidentally is now called the Shabby Sheek Boutique). I've said it many times - You can take the tomato sauce out of a t-shirt, but you can't take the urine out of a mattress.
If you saw the picture of this enterprising businesswoman, it would become much clearer. She truly puts the HO in HOMELY. Maybe she could offer breakfast in the form of Sonny Boy takeout. Maybe jack up the price by a dollar. So instead of the standard $1.99 breakfast, it costs $2.99. I wonder how much she'll actually charge visitors. I'm always a big supporter of entrepenurial endeavors, but c'mon, WHAT THE FUCK!

Grass

No, not marijuana. I'm talking about Mrs. Grass soup mix. I made a major blunder about 10 days ago. I was looking for a good powdered chicken soup mix and settled for Mrs. Weiss. If I had just taken a moment and possibly gotten some outside input, this wouldn't have been such a fiasco. I find it a little strange that there are 2 major competitors in the powdered soup mix niche both of whom sound very similar. Just as long as Grandma Reisbeck doesn't enter the fray, we should be alright.
Mrs. Grass, aside from having a very hip, retro 1970's name, is far superior. The soup tastes more flavorful. Why you ask? Why do you give a fuck? Does anyone really care. Probably not. It's because of the golden nugget flavor medallion. Although Mrs. Grass has plenty of powdered chicken sodium, they throw in this tiny bullion cube which melts away into flavor country as the water boils. This appears to be the major difference between these two corporate soup dispensers. The salted medallion is actually shaped like a diamond. This really enhances the whole dining experience. As you occassionaly stir the soup, you get this added bonus entertainment. Look, there's the gold nugget. Look it's slowly disintegrating. It's almost gone. It has dissipated beyond my visual acuity skills. What happened? It has become one with the soup.
I alluded to the hip, retro 1970's moniker. With the recent popularity of "That 70's Show", I think Mrs. Grass could really become a big hit in the entire powdered chicken soup milieu. If they play there cards right, they could increase their market share from 43% to 45%. I think this would make all of us take a moment, stand back and truly reflect.

Mrs. Weiss

While at Reisbecks I decided to buy some soup. Nothing fancy, just your basic chicken noodle. There were an abundance of choices as usual. That's what democracy and capitalism are all about. We don't get much input on major foreign policy issues, but we do get our choice of 100 different kinds of toothpaste - I prefer the Scope enhanced Crest with extra cleansing power.
Anyway, against my better judgement I opted for Mrs. Weiss homeade chicken soup. It came in a box consisting of 2 packets for $1.39. Not exactly sure if the powdery bullion was really "homeade" but that's ok. What really seemed odd is what it said on the box - "The NOODLE LOVERS Chicken Soup." I glanced at the packet and there were hardly any noodles at all. Then it said to mix the contents of the packet with 5 cups of boiling water. Judging from the amount of the Mrs. Weiss' salt/noodle packet, it looked as though 3 cups would be a better ratio. And at the time, I was overwhelmed with the idea of loving noodles. So I decided to make the adjustment in utter defiance of Mrs. Weiss - One packet to 3 cups of water. The result was an overly chicken salted fluidic catastrophe. The noodles were good, but there really weren't that many. At least not enough to satiate the needs of a NOODLE LOVER.
So there's the warning - if you are ever tempted by Mrs. Weiss (not Al's mom), please exercise some restraint.

Quiznos is questionable

Has anyone seen that new Quiznos commercial for their prime rib sandwich? It features this little Asian girl at the end who says, "It's got a lotta meat, and that's what real women want. HeeHeeeeHaaaHeee...emoticon giggling." Anyway, after seeing this ringing endorsement of their new sandwich, I decided to check it out. I went to Quiznos when they first opened and hadn't been back since. The non-existent parking lot doesn't help matters either. Makes it more appealing to the nomadic transients of Wheeling which doesn't bode well for the overall dining-in experience.
The first thing I noticed was that the "sandwich artisan" was squeezing a shitload of some kind of "green mayo-inspired substance" (possibly cilantro infused) onto a sandwich. I glanced at the menu board and it said it came with mayo. Fearing an inundation, I opted to have them hold the mayo. Don't worry, I didn't actually say those words - hold the mayo. I think I said, "Could you please refrain from using any condiments." Anyway, my options were small, medium or large. I opted for the medium. a few minutes later my $7.50 sandwich was in my hands. I also got an overpriced bag of jalapeno chips which jacked up the meal (no drink) to almost nine bucks. Pretty steep for take-out from a mid-end sandwich shack.
My overall impression of the meal was not good. I've said it before and I'll say it again. There's good and there's not good. This was not good. Don't be fooled by the Asian hottie in the commercial. The sandwich was slightly below mediocre. However, the chips were pretty good.

"buying" the presidency

It's pretty obvious that the 2008 election is wide open. You've got the major players - Clinton, Obama, Guliani, McCain, Edwards and about 10 other lesser figures who think they've got a shot. I expect to see a few Independent candidates enter the fray as well. The trick is you probably need about a hundred million and some serious name recognition if you are going to pose a reasonable threat. Right now there are about 350 billionaires in the US and I think about 800 worldwide. That's a ton of cash in the hands of a select few. I would not be surprised if one of these billionaires, perhaps an businessman/egomaniac/entertainer decided to throw his weight around. There are plenty of young dot com entrepeneurs out there as well.
In the past few decades, there has been a ton of corporate spending and individual fundraising which has had a dramatic impact on who can or can't run effectively. Considering the vast amount of wealth in the hands of a select few, I think it's highly probable that one of these billionaires would try and take a shot. Here's the catch - they'll all be regarded as trying to buy the presidency and will likely fail. HOWEVER, if you could persuade one of these guys to bankroll an independent candidate (say to the tune of 100 or 200 million) - I think it would work. Imagine a guy like the MSNBC news reporter Chris Matthews with a centrist philosophy (social liberal, fiscal conservative) who has a vibrant personality with incredible extemperanous speaking abilities deciding to make the run. He has fantastic name recognition and strong credibility. Most importantly, he has no reason to pander to the DC lobbyists or corporate bullies because he has been totally bankrolled. The bankroller can claim that he/she is doing this for the good of the country and will decline any position in the future govt. They could use the line - the last thing this country needs is another easily-influenced politician (governor, mayor, senator, etc.). We need someone from the outside who will stand up for what he thinks is right. Listen up, I'm doing this for purely philanthropic purposes. The candidate would have a free hand to run things as he sees fit. The candidate (for hypothetical reasons, let's say it is Chris Matthews) would have enormous advantages. You could wage your campaign after the primary season, so you wouldn't have to waste any money in the build-up. Even though money is irrelevant with this scenario. Plus, you'd make your announcement right after the nomination process and totally steal the momentum from both parties. Your campaign could be largely waged through the media - television advertising - since money is no object.
The trick would be finding one of these billionaires who has a vested interest in turning this country around and who's not an egomaniac that thinks he can win the presidency himself. For some reason, Donald Trump keeps coming to mind. He could personally run, but he couldn't win (at least I pray not). But judging from his love of publicity and recent anti-Bush bashing, I wouldn't be surprised if he has considered this new concept. The only downside is that you and your candidate might wind up dead. I can't think of a better scenario designed to infuriate the entire political establishment. The beauty of this picture - it's very difficult to question the bankroller's motivation. They are pursuing this course "for the good the country." I can't imagine a situation more appealing to someone like Trump. All of a sudden, he's the most sought after interview on the planet and his underlying inspiration is noble.
I'm throwing this out there because the 2008 election is wide open. And I've got to believe that all this unbridled individual capitalism eventually has to play an even greater role in determining our leaders (instead of it always being the corporate sector). There's balance out there in all aspects of government, including capitalism and democracy.
Regardless, of this potential scenario shaking things up, I do there will be a few more independent candidates who launch campaigns after the primary season. There's a a gap forming for a universally liked, centrist candidate. All they need is a couple hundred million. The main difference between the 2008 election and other recent elections is that this one presents a credible opportunity. Just something to think about....
By the way, if one or a few other "power" candidates jump in, I think it guarantees a Hillary victory. Her base isn't going anywhere. She could win with a diluted vote - a lot like her husband in 1992 when Ross Perot siphoned off the Bush Sr. vote.

Scooter Libby Trial

Yeah, I realize this blog is supposed to be about restaurant & concert revies and sometimes anti-religious tirades but I thought I'd weigh in on something a little more serious. After seeing the Libby trial come to a close, it made me reflect on the war in Iraq and how we got there. I think everyone can agree (regardless of political affiliation) that Scooter Libby was the "fall guy" for Cheney and Rove. Basically, someone had to be held accountable for the outing of Valerie Plame and the Joe Wilson smear campaign. It ended up being him. I can't envision a scenario where Bush doesn't pardon him at the end of his term. I truly doubt he'll do 20 years in a medium security prison. However, it'll bve a while before all that plays out.
But anyway, here's my thoughts on Iraq. You always see the press get caught up in the minor details and avoid the larger, more "surreal" issues. Most people realize that Cheney and his buddies (not Bush) were eager to get rid of Saddam and alter the landscape of the Middle East. I think post 9/11, Cheney was thinking to himself - "We've got to do more than Afghanistan. It's simply not enough. We need to send a statement to the world that if you're a rogue dictator who gets in bed with a terrorist organization, then your days are numbered." Strangely enough, I tend to agree with this underlying message. Afghanistan was simply "not enough." And let's face it, we couldn't go to war with Iran or North Korea at that moment. You've got to pick your enemies carefully - ones you can crush. Something more needed to happen. I just didn't agree with the necessity of invading and occupying Iraq (from the beginning). What's really weird is how Cheney, Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld and Perle got together and convinced a naive president that we were going to liberate the Middle East. These guys fed Bush the "spreading Democracy" routine. We will be greeted as liberators, not occupiers. Oil revenue will pay for the war. Saddam has got go. Bush ate this stuff for breakfast. All his early speeches were about liberating the oppressed Iraqis. Iraq will be a shining example of freedom and inspire reform throughout the Middle East. Why have people forgotten this stuff?
What's really sad is that our President has always believed this stuff. He really believed that if we conquered Iraq, there would be a domino effect and Syria, the Palestinians, Saudi Arabia and all the others would magically transform. My question is... I understand the Cheney rationale that "something more than Afghanistan needed to happen," but how could we elect a President who, til this day, does not realize what is going on. And I assure you, he still doesn't know. That's what is truly scary. I know all this stuff gets touched on in the media and they often mention how Cheney runs the White House, but I think the press would be well-advised to look into the HUGE DISCONNECT between the president and the v.p. I think what's really sinister is that Cheney has convinced Bush Jr. that he's the one calling the shots. Bush really thinks that he's the one defining global policy. Trust me, Bush doesn't know this is happening. And it's still happening.

DSO

Five of us went to see DSO last night in beautiful Millvale, PA. A slightly amusing anecdote - I was at this Superbowl party in Bridgeport the day before and ran into this one dude who looked familiar but I just couldn't place him. Anyway, we're talking about the lull in activities that comes to the area following the Superbowl. Think about it; it's freezing cold, no football games, no outdoor festivities, etc. Then I mentioned that we were going to a concert the next day. He inquired who and where. I told him it was one of those hippie bands (incidentally, I think DSO is far superior to the Grateful Dead, but that's another story entirely) in Millvale. He asked, "Where's that?" and I explained it was about 5 minutes North outside downtown Pittbsurgh. Then I said, "It's a really shitty area. You know, kind of like a Pittsburgh version of McMechon. He looked at me blankly and said, "I'm from McMechon." Then we spoke further and he mentioned he was a Bishop Donahue graduate. I asked him if he ever had Leigh Cliser teach him English and he said, "Oh yeah, Mrs. Cliser was my English teacher. Wait a minute, is that how I know you?" I responded, "Yeah, we dated all through the mid 90's. I think I helped "chaperone" one of your high school dances. In retrospect, she was one of the chaperones and I'm pretty sure I stopped by for a few minutes in a mildly drunken state.
Anyway, the show was decent. Here's the setlist as I remember it...

Greatest Story, TLEO, Me & My Uncle>Mexicali, The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down, Never Trust a Woman, Lazy Lightning>Suppilication Jam, some song I've never heard before but everyone else erupted (must have been some old Dead tune from a studio release), Cassidy

2nd set - Touch of Grey, Women are Smarter, Crazy Fingers, Sugar Magnolia, an absolute killer drums/space > Gimme Some Lovin > Black Peter > Miracle > Liberty (I really like that song) > SSDD. Encore - Might Quinn. Filler - some song I've never heard before, maybe one of their own. Sounded a little like that "Up on Cripple Creek" tune.

All in all, I liked the show. They had the Donna woman impersonater on stage so I thought it would be a 70's show which I generally don't care for. Then, it became apparent it was an original setlist. For the most part, I liked the selection and the musicianship is always fantastic. Like I've always maintained - these guys are much better than the Dead. What really was unimpressive was the men's bathroom. One restroom to accomodate about 900 people. Let's see, 2 urinals (one overflowing with piss and cigarette butts) and 1 toilet with a curtain barrier. Did I mention the sink was filled with vomit? Looked like the remains of low-end pizza, perhaps Little Cesears. When I exited the bathroom I slipped and almost fell. Fortunately the urine on the floor must have been a little sticky - probably due to the dark, heady beer drunk by most of the hippies in attendance.

The place was packed solid. Cold as hell until the deranged melange of mother and father shabooboos warmed the place up. The weather outside was about -3. The positive benefit is that the greater the layers of clothing tend to allay the stench of the mongrol hoard. We bolted home and stopped for Wendy's in my fake hometown of Canonsburg. Everyone deserves props for ordering correctly. No idiots from the backseat barking out random orders, words like "yummy"- "Mc anything"- "extra, extra, extra onions," etc. No condiment mishaps. Just a solid effort from everyone during the whole drive-thru process. I was even more concerned because we pulled up at 12:52am and they closed at 1am. That's generally a recipe for disaster but it all worked out ok.

Here are the final rankings:
The concert - 8.1
Our team of five (me, Rox, Heather, G Max, Ben S.) - 8
Late night drive thru - 8.3
Music selction on the way up and back got mixed reviews. A 311 bootleg - Ben and I liked it, Stollar couldn't hack it. Some brief Dead. On the way back, more 311 and it finally descended into "radio thug" music. All in all - 7.3
The restrooms at Mr. Smalls Funhouse - 1.1
The weather outside - 1 (and I do mean ONE).

Later (Gators)

I'm still not sure whether this place is called Laters or Later Gators. This restaurant opened over the summer down in Center Wheeling. It's located next to Saseen's which I've always considered kind of a grease pit a la Mel's Diner. Laters is the EXACT opposite. They serve mostly soup, sandwiches and crepes. Yeah, you heard me, crepes. For those diehard Wheeling residents, a crepe is a thin version of a pancake. You're probably thinking, "Wow Saf, thanks for the culinary lesson." Harsh Reality Ohio County Alert - I think 15% of the customers probably make this inquiry.
The place is open til 9pm. I'm not sure I'd go there for dinner but it's perfectly suited for lunch. The sandwiches are definitely above par - great reuben. The owner seems to have a lsight obsession with avocados which is cool with me. I like avocados although I hate it when people use the word "guack" instead of guacamole. I hope the recent devestation of the California citrus crop doesn't alter any tactical menu decsions. The crepes are outstanding as well; however, they're a tiny bit pricey (by Wheeling standards). But then again, every time you raise the price of a beer by a quarter or a Chinese buffet by a buck, there is an outcry in this town. Elderly women get so incensed, they send letters to the editor, spread hostile rumors at church bingo and basically do everything in their power to launch a counter-insurgence.
Anything you order seems to be accompanied by a garnish consisting of 6 strands of non-iceberg lettuce and 3 mandarin oranges. It's a nice touch, but occasionally the juice from the oranges tries to infiltrate the sandwich or crepe.
This place is fantastic. Great food, great service and a very pleasant atmosphere. The ambience is terrific and I'm not one who's consumed with the decorative nature of the universe. . You're magically transported to a major city for a brief moment in time. Regrettably, at some point, you must exit the building and you're back on Chapline St. Then, reality sets in when you see an old lady with severe osteoperosis wheeling a rusty shopping cart filled with low-end powder detergent. Then, you accidentally overhear an "afternoon hooker" who laments, "I'm tired of prostitutin my body." At this point, you calmly remove the $1.00 ticket from your windshield because you neglected to put a dime in the meter. I suggest you hit I-470. Downtown Wheeling will be fucked for the next year as they fix the I-70 tunnels. Yeah, I know they said it would only take 3 months. Yeah, Right!
By the way, the crepes all have creative names. One time I ordered The Crepes of Wrath and the waitress said, "Oooh yeah, you're getting the Wrath. Good choice!" This was the best thing that happened to me in 2006.

The Who

This one is most certainly blogworthy. Josh and I had discussed going to see The Who in Columbus for a while. Well, the big day finally arrived yesterday. Tickets were so expensive it was ludicrous. We checked the website and they seemed to have a limited number of the $79.00 tickets available. Keep in mind, prices ranged from a low of $59 (+ service fee) to a high of $400.
Well, I was mildly concerned about making the long drive (this ain't no Pittsburgh trip) w/o tix in hand. Yet, I wasn't too worried becuase the show fell on a Monday and it was in Columbus. Columbus, or if you prefer its correct title, CAP CITY is a cool city but the people are generally lifeless. The same exact phenomena occurs in Cleveland. Maybe it was all those George Bush campaign stops that just sapped the spirit out of these towns. I can't attribute it all to W, this "uninspired vibe" has always been a trademark of major cities in Ohio. Cincy is an exception.
Anyway, we met at the Alpha. It was me, Josh, Kelly and crazy Kathy. I've got be honest, I was a little worried about the "integrity" of our crew. Kathy was armed with only a Mastercard (doesn't bode well for scoring tix in the lot) and a desire to call shotgun. Much to my chagrin, we rolled out at the designated time - 5pm. The ride up was basically uneventful. Kathy has a unique ability. She can effortlessly introduce random topics into a converstaion that have nothing to do with anything. It's actually a little amusing.
I got a little turned around coming off 71 North but I knew the general direction even though I had never been to Schottenstein, or if you prefer, The Schott. I pulled into the Holiday Inn parking garage and the attendant asked if we were going to the concert. I replied affirmatively and he requested 20 bucks. I said, "How about 10?" I forked over $10 and we rolled up the ramp. At the time, I was amused but upon reflection, I realized that parking in CAP CITY is usually free for the big events.
Anyway, we walked over to the Arena. The show had already started - The Pretenders were on the stage and most of the crowd had already headed inside. Just a few random stragglers and a couple scalpers. I briefly spoke with a guy who wanted a couple hundred for 2 tix. I figured it might be nice to survey the area a little bit. As we walked to the West entrance, this guy opened one of the arena side doors to smoke a cigarette. I looked at his girlfriend and she asked me, "Do you want in?" Could it really be this easy? Yes, it could. All four of us just walked in this side door and strolled to the top level. I love that rush you get for the first minute or so, when you know you just pulled off a 4-Banger. That was the original term used to describe 4 freebie tickets. From here on out, we'll call it 4 FO SHOW. Of course, we still had no tickets, but no one really gave a fuck. We walked out on the Upper Terrace smoking area and drank Old German and Miller Lite. I'd like to say we smuggled these beers in, but that's an overstatement, because when you use the term "smuggle", it implies an attempt at concealment. Truth be told, we could have hoisted these beers over our heads while breakdancing and nobody would have given a damn. Anyway, we celebrated the smooth entrance with a few high fives and a round of "F'in A's." As the Pretenders closed their set, we encountered Scottie and Schneid (and Buzz). I figured we might run into them. They were sitting on the side of the stage - 400 level. We hit that area for about half the show. I kept on eyeing up the side seats right next to the stage. I easily convinced Josh to head down to the front. I thought they might want to see a ticket stub, but the security and the ushers just kind of moved away from us. It was like I was Moses and we were parting the Red fuckin' sea. We walked down to the fourth row. These seats were adjacent to the $400 seats. Actually, they were better because we had all the room we wanted. It must be something about Columbus. People just don't understand that it's a ROCK concert. I think they view much like the would a grade school piano recital or Linsly Extravaganza-type shit. Then, we walked down a few more rows to the front. Front row seats for free. Once again, F'in A. As the show ended, I realized I needed a memento so I asked the security guy to snag us a couple guitar picks. F'in A. A guitar pick which says Roger Daltrey would fit nicely in the sonofstub collection.
The ride home was a more like a celebration. We listened to a few reviews of the show on the radio. I kept thinking to myself, we've got the best review to offer. I'm pretty sure, I'll head back to The Schott in April for the Eric Clapton show. Of course, a 4 FO SHOW is going to be hard to beat. Might have to come up with a new term if there are more of us or multiple cars. I'm sure we'll figure out something.
By the way, the show rocked. At the tail end of the concert, Daltrey's voice was a little cracked but it was near the end of their tour. Townsend still rocks, except when it comes to doing internet research about young boys.

TSO

Killer asked me to take a crew to Mellon Arena for a concert yesterday. It was a group of 8 from Bellaire, 2 of which I knew. When he informed me of the show time (3pm), I was a tad bewildered. Who the fuck starts a concert at 3 in the afternoon. I quickly found out the name of the "band" - Trans Siberian Orchestra. Trust me, this is not a group from Siberia.
Back in the late 1980's, I saw a band called Savatage open for Megadeth at the South Hills Theater. All in all, Savatage was a relatively crappy heavy metal band. If they were the main act, they might have been able to sell a couple hundred tickets. I guess the lead guitarist had grander ambitions in life. He came up with an idea for what might be considered one of the biggest spectacles on the arena circuit. Rather than play horrible songs like "Hall of the Mountain King," he opted for a different approach. He, and his band, would be backed by a small orchestra and they would play "metalized" versions of Christmas songs. Throw in a dazzling light show and hardcore pyrothechnic display and Voila - "Trans-Siberian Orchestra".
They would actually be playing 2 shows that day (a 3pm and a 7pm) - both were totally soldout. Let's see, average ticket price of 40 bucks. 16,000 capacity x 2 = 32,000. Congratulations - you just grossed 1.3 million. That's not even taking into account merchandise sales. And they had all kinds of clothing and trinkets. What a fucking racket! The beauty of this production was the crowd. Good Christians with their pocketbooks, of ALL ages, looking for a little holiday cheer. The show started a little late because of all the traffic with the Steelers game. No problem though, the crowd quietly shuffled in like animals boarding Noah's ark. No need for security, although I did see a girl throw up. But then I realized that she was somewhat handicapped/mildly retarded.
Anyway, the show was pretty entertaining - if you don't get out of the house that much. Way over the top. I was mildly impressed but chose to bolt near the end of the first segment. I decided to go hang out with a couple of the other limo drivers. We had a total of 4 limos go to this thing. Now came the best part of the evening. One of the drivers hates my guts. He is a hardcore fundamentalist Christian and doesn't care for my pagan views. This guy honestly believes I worship the devil. It all started a couple years ago when I made fun "The Passion of the Christ." Big mistake. Anyway, I told him what I thought of TSO - that it was basically just a big money maker for the naive little trained minions. They come out to celebrate their faith and enjoy the holiday revelry and they end up spending all their cash. Then I said, "This Savatage guy is my hero. He really knows how to take advantage of the season. I'd really like to meet him. What a great guy. CHA-CHING!!!" This driver looked at me with the look - the look of total disgust. I love it when he gives me that look. I always make sure to flash him the devil sign whenever I see him. That was probably the highlight of the day. I did manage to snag a freebie ticket from the 92.9 light rock station deejay outside the arena. Like I really would have paid to see that shit.

last night...

...I drove this crew of 5 guys up to the Duquesne Club in downtown Pittsburgh for dinner. There were all local physicians/hospital administrators - very pleasant. As expected, we ran into horrendous traffic on 79 about 2 miles before the parkway. Usually, it's not backed up that far, but last night was the Backyard Brawl at Heinz Field. Anyway, I was maneuvering a little bit here and there and managed to shave about 15 minutes or so off the trip. Once we got to Green Tree things picked up. Anyway, just as I dumped them off, I get a call from Josh - curious if anyone is watching the game. I tell him I'm caught in the downtown Pittsburgh morass. He mentions that Gary might have an extra ticket to the game. So I give Gary a call and he confirms. The problem is that I'm trying to get to the "NO PARKING" turn around at PNC Park and the traffic is ridiculous. Then they close Mazeroski Way so I have to go all the way around Heinz Field. Anyway, I finally make it and park the limo. Surprisingly, the turn around is completely empty. Usually, this is a good spot for limos if there's a concert or non-football event at Heinz Field. Anyway, I call Gary and he tells me he'll put the ticket in a blue plastic cup in one of the planters outside Gate B. I'm a little hesitant but I figure, alright, nothing to lose. Anyway as I approach Gate B, this black guy sees me looking aorund and says "Hey brother, you need a ticket" At that exact moment, I see the upside down blue cup and repsond "No, I'm good. In fact, I think there's a club ticket underneath this blue cup." I lift up the cup and lo and behold, there it is. I felt like that kid Charlie in the Willy Wonka movie. This other couple was killing their drinks and saw the brief episode unfold. They had this look of dismay and all the black dude could mutter was, "Ahhh, Shit, man." NICE. Anyway, I bolted up the ramp to the seat. Fantastic seats - 2nd level endzone club seating. This area was newly built and I'd never been back there. They probably decided to build it after the Superbowl win last year. Anyway, I hung out with G Max and Pita for the first half and then decided to make a move back to the city. Probably could have stayed well into the third quarter but I didn't want to keep my crew waiting in case they decided to leave early.
So I came back and used the restaurant in the Duquesne Club. This was a truly a bad-ass building. I'd heard of it but never knew where it was. Strictly a coat and tie establishment. A VERY private club. I was slightly intimidated but managed to ask where the restrooms where. Even the bums are intimidated. They won't even walk on that side of Liberty Ave. We cruised home in easily under an hour and I wrapped things up at the 19th Ho and then hit the Alpha for one last drink. The Ho was mediocre. They had this acoustic guitarist named Tim Ullom playing that night. I'd never heard of him but the bartender said he plays there quite a bit. The Alpha was pretty much empty by the time I arrived.
Then, I was hungry with limited options. I went through the Hardees drive thru. The lights were ON, but nobody was taking orders. Here's a novel idea - if nobody is working, turn the lights off. I settled for McDonalds and called it a night.
Great game - WVU won and covered. I love it when the Mountaineers play at Heinz Field. You always hear that Panther "RRoooaaarrrr" and then they lose.

2 for 1 apps.

Alright, it's like I never left.
Seeing that we go to the Alpha about 5 nights a week, I thought it might be reassuring to explore 2 for 1 appetizer night. Actually, Smithers ran out of ideas, so this special runs on concurrent nights (Wed. and Thurs.). It certainly beats hot dog night though. Here's a suggestion. Leave hot dog night to the Wakim's. Let them savor their luke warm chili dogs while commiserating over the Mollahan victory.
Back to the Alpha. Many people blame the oil companies for the high price of gasoline. Allow me to clarify. Exxon Mobil, British Petroleum and my personal favorite, Chevron Texaco do NOT control the price of gasoline. Here are the main contributing factors -

1) the price of crude
2) increased demand from China and India
3) refinery capacity
4) speculation in the futures market
5) to a minor extent - political instabilty in the Middle East
6) and most important, the purchase of Greek wings at the Alpha

Why is it necessary to lay 3 cups of oil on a dinner plate when they serve up their Greek wings? What kind of foundation is this? Why does the amount of oil the Alpha "exports" make Willie Nelson cringe? Why? I've never seen so much oil used since a bad episode of 7 Lives Exposed. I've got other wing related issues, as well. The bourbon wings are ok but the sauce gets a little redundant after the second or third wing. Much to the dismay of Danno and Uncle Ben, Old Bay is not an option. It's not even listed on the menu. It's basically akin to taking a heaping tablespoon of garlic powder and dusting a plate of wings and then proclaiming, "Allah Akbar, Garlic Wings, ye infidel!"
Next up is that Bruschetta thing. Here comes a prodigous half loaf of french bread (which takes up the entire table) served on a wooden slab. That wooden slab thing can also be used to spank Paigey. If anyone wants to steal me one of these wooden boards, I'd be forever grateful and I will use it to administer repeated "Paigey spankings." The bruschetta itself, I don't particularly care for.
Onto calamari - I'm not quite sure the city of Wheeling is ready for calamari. I know for a fact that the surrounding county is definitely not ready. One girl tried to order it, but incorrectly pronounced it "calamity." I think that pretty much sums it up.
The stuffed mushroom caps are tasty, but once again, prepare to embark on another quest for oil. Why stage a coup d'etat on the oil-rich government of Equatorial Guinea when a lifetime supply of oil is conveniently located in Woodsdale?
How about the spinach-artichoke dip? This stuff is tasty but I think the main ingredient is mayonnaise, certainly not spinach. If you are a devout Southern Baptist seeking a cholestoral laden weight gain adventure, this is the dish for you!
OK. What about that giant marinated portabella mushroom with feta and red peppers? This is my second favorite. My overall favorite are the citrus, and to a lesser extent, the tortilla shrimp. This is the right decision. 2 shrimp apps for the price of one might defy conventional wisdom, but rest assured, this is the best option.
I forgot - what about the cheese fries? I'm done with french fries. You know who cured me of that addiction. How about a baked potato instead. Right on, sister. And an advance happy birthday wish. I'm pretty sure you finally turned 26.
See, it's like I never left.

finally

Finally... a new post in the restaurant review column. How about getting back to the basics with some helpful suggestions.

Salad dressings - MAKE YOUR OWN. Don't buy the overly processed stuff like Kraft or Seven Seas. Not only is it filled with preservatives, it simply doesn't taste that great. A better option is to make your own with decent olive oil. And try rice wine vinegar instead of red wine vinegar. There is a lone exception - that's when it comes to purchasing ranch. Trying to make your own would be downright insane. Stick with Hidden Valley. For some reason they seem to get it.

Grilling while tailgating - For god sake, don't go to all the trouble to grill out and opt for hot dogs. Why go to all the trouble and expense of grilling out and settle for hot dogs? How about chicken or shrimp and possibly some vegetables. Hot dogs should always be the last possible choice when everything else has failed, and you have failed as a human being. Maybe if you have children under the age of 8, this is barely acceptable.

Cheezits - Go for the reduced fat kind. They taste better than the regular because they have a light airy quality.

Cranberry and Ruby Red grapefruit juice - Try the Sam's club or Wal-mart brand. Ocean Spray is way too concentrated and it's more expensive.

Coke or Pepsi - For Christ sake, COKE. Pepsi sucks and it tastes like syrup. They are the ultimate bandwagon company. They always seem to get the lamest superstars for their commercials. Never financially support Pepsi Cola or any of their subsidiary companies like KFC, Burger King and Taco Bell.

Water - Avoid Dasani at all costs. It tastes like they've added some kind of iron chemical. Truly disgusting.

I'll add more to this post in the future.

Stratford Springs

I ate here yesterday along with prominent lunchable members G Max, Jenn S and Heather. Personally, I've always thought this place was mediocre at best. Great atmosphere and ambience though. However, this post will be about the meal. I opted for a caesar salad, bowl of soup and half of a chicken salad sandwich. The food all came at once - no major surprise there. I was well-prepared for the tri-onslaught. What I was ill-prepared for was the horrific chicken salad sandwich. This was the most disgusting thing I'd eaten in probably 2 years. You've got to be thinking to yourself - geez Saf, it's chicken salad - How bad can it be? Surely, he's exaggerating. I assure you, I'm not. What makes it really disturbing is that it was "the sandwich of the day." Here's what they did to this abomination. They pureed the chicken until it had the consistency of liquid. Then, I think they added corn starch and mayonnaise to achieve some kind of velvety, ultra-creamy texture. The end result - it was totally disgusting. I wouldn't even serve it to the Bush administration. Well, maybe Cheney. Next time he goes in for heart surgery, I'll suggest that Stratford cater the event. They could hook up an IV directly to his stomach and send in the chicken liquid unabated.
Heather had the same sandwich and could only take one bite as well. So I'm not making this up. It was so bad it turned my stomach for the rest of the day. I was able to scarf down a cheesesteak around 8pm at PNC Park but that was it. As far as the rest of the meal goes, the salad was fair and the soup (a seafood bisque) was decent, but unfortunately, room temperature. The service was fair and our waitress was cute. The only highlight was a "knockout woman" in the same room - she smiled at me and said "Hi, Eric."

another poem

My father worte this one in response to mine. I've got to get back to reviewing restaurants. But in the meantime...

BUSH’S WAR

Here are some reasons why liberals resent
George W. Bush, our President.

In 2000 he stole the election from Gore.
Then he used “fear” to win in 2004.

When he came into office, it now seems quite plain
He had already planned to get rid of Hussein.

He gave George Tenet of the CIA this instruction,
“find evidence that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction!”

Bush, Rumsfeld and Cheney concocted the evidence
To justify war in the name of national defence.

The intelligence was false, it could make your blood boil.
We invaded Iraq because we needed their oil.

Over one trillion dollars is the estimated cost,
And saddest of all, the war’s probably lost.

The war was all wrong and the entire world knew it,
But who can blame Bush when God told him to do it.

Now thousands have died and more die every day.
The insurgents plant bombs while the mullahs all pray.

The Shiites and Sunnis try to work out a plan,
But the Shiiite majority gets support from Iran.

The insurgents grow stronger, sworn to kill the invaders,
This is their holy Jihad and we’re the “crusaders”.

Before we invaded, Iraq was a secular society.
Now fanatics kill each other in the name of religious piety.

Once a beautiful country, a proud modern nation
Now lies in turmoil and horrible devestation.

Granted their leader was an inhuman despot,
But now death and destruction is all that they’ve got.

Freedom, democracy and liberty are to them only words.
They mean very little to Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds.

We should quickly withdraw and start making amends.
You can’t invade a country and expect to make friends.

Harold L. Saferstein

INCOMPETENT

INCOMPETENT

I must admit, I got a really bad feeling
When I heard that George Bush, was coming to Wheeling
The speech sounds familiar, it's one I really don't care for
The battle for freedom, and the endless war on terror

We must fight them there, so we don't fight them here
The same exaggerated notions of terror and fear
Common sense, it's something that they lack
When developing a coherent policy, to deal with Iraq

Perhaps it was the cherry-picked evidence
Concocted by the CIA and Department of Defense
Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Perle et al
How tragically ironic that our Secretary of State would take the fall

So let it be stipulated
That Colin Powell was manipulated
The only voice of reason and moderation
In a neo-con chicken-hawk right wing administration

Bush must be admonished
For the lie of Mission Accomplished
But how can he really listen
When he's surrounded only by yes-men

I'd recommend and even beseech
That we commence with proceedings designed to impeach
But if we get rid of W, because he makes us sick
The successor is Cheney, his first name is Dick

If you want something embarrassing to hear
How about a President who still can't pronounce "nuclear"
The good ol boy comes to West Virginia, now solidly red in the nation
A fitting tribute, since we rank last in overall education

Every time he speaks, you really get a sense
Of someone who hasn't got a clue, pure incompetence
It's starting to seem, this country wouldn't mind
If our President approaching 60, was the child left behind

I don't want to sound all cynical and negative
He claims to be a compassionate conservative
And there are times when he demonstrates vision and sight
But it only occurs when he pursues the agenda of the wacko religious right

With the continued erosion of our civil liberties
All under the guise of homeland securities
It's no wonder this country is divided and despondent
Our commander in chief is entirely, totally and completely INCOMPETENT

Turning the corner...

In the past, I have repeatedly blogged my experiences at the Met Grill. They've ranged from highly favorable to disturbingly atrocious. I think it's safe to say that this establishment has finally turned the corner. Note - the food has always been fantastic. It was always the service that was confusing and troublesome. Maybe I only have myself to blame. I've always had a strict policy of waiting at least 2 months before trying out a new restaurant. This way, they have sufficient time to work out the "kinks." I think a major problem might have been the high turnover rate with the wait staff. Let's face it - you can't have great service if the staff is quitting or getting fired on a continual basis. It seems there are always new faces in there. In a way, I truly sympathize with restaurant/bar owner/operators. Everyone is constantly trying to rob you in one way or another. People are always calling off at the last minute. And the worst part - there's always some dickhead like myself who doesn't have anything better to do with his life than bitch about his small town dining experiences. Plus, it's just a really tough business to begin with. Factor in the anti-business climate in Wheeling and it makes for additional grief. The servers have it rough too - remember, this is Wheeling. This is a town where an old lady can tip 1 dollar per person, regardless of the size of the bill. It is commonly understood, that if you reside in Wheeling and you're a social security recipient, you only have to tip one dollar per person. The bill can come to $70.00 for 4 people and guess what, the tip only has to be 4 bucks. I imagine this could result in a "serving backlash." Just something to consider.
The last few times I've eaten at the Met Grill, the service and food were really high end, particularly the salads. Let's stop demonizing this fine establishment. One last objection though - the overzealousness of promoting a Martini Bar in Wheeltown. Do we really want our friends, family members and co-workers gathering on Chapline Street to sip a variety of martini concoctions when the sun is setting? I'd have to offer up a resounding NO. What is it with this new craze of martinis - caramel apple, lemon zest citrus, olive infused, cool blue raspberry, and so on. We live in Wheeling, not San Francisco. We must accept this reality and acknowledge our dependence on MBL, IC Light and cheap vodka. For those of you who've been living in the closet. It's time to come out - MBL stands for Milwaukee Best Light.

Yonder Mountain String Band

On Thursday, me, G Max, Jess and her younger brother Tim went to see YMSB in Morgantown. Jess drove. This was nice because I usually end up driving 94% of the time. It always seems that when you opt to drive, you seem to sign up for some kind of "moonlight babysitting service." By this, I mean, that you become responsible for the behavior of your passengers. Negative behavior might include things like...

1) Urinating in public - girls doing double doors or guys brazenly pissing on your right rear tire in full view of the police or lot attendants.
2) Flicking cigarette butts out the window which hit a cop's windshield while on I-70.
3) Passengers wanting to go through a drive thru but they're so intoxicated they can't place the order in a coherent manner. Then they chew with their mouths open and get mayonnaise on the seat and shredded lettuce on the floor.
4) People who might decide to instantly become ticket scalpers but have no fives, tens or twenties. Or even worse, ask you for cash to support their newfound occupation. Or even worse, when they compete against you personally - undercutting your own scalping endeavors.
5) Passengers who commandeer the radio and climate controls. The worst is when people put the AC on maximum and complain it's too hot when all they have to do is open the vent(s) and direct them toward their respective faces.
6) People in the backseat who find the need to stretch out their legs - the end result is their sockless fuckin' feet invading my armrest.
7) People who need the extra clicker/key for the vehicle and then lose it.

Alright, I don't think there's a need for 8,9, or 10. Trust me, I could think of another 50. Suffice it to say, it's nice not to be the driver all the time. Anyway, Jess drove this one so I decided to get tanked. They all hustled into the show. I had no intentions of hearing 2 1/2 hours of hippie music from the git-go. Instead, I decided to have a few drinks at one of the downtown bars. I asked a quasi-homeless man where a good place was to have a few drinks and he motioned me in the direction of this place called the Sportspage. I had never been in there but it wasn't bad. Had a few drinks and made some idle chit-chat with the bartender. She ended up finishing her shift and sat down with me. We mostly discussed her work-study program in Hong Kong and some of our trips abroad. This other young kid sat on the other side of me and we started talking. Mostly about WVU and Morgantown related issues. About 15 minutes into the conversation, the kid says he knows me from somewhere. I assure him that we've never met and I live in Wheeling. Then, he looks at me and says he's from Wheeling, too. In fact, he says I've been to his parents house for one of their parties and we've had a few previous discussions. This really throws me for loop. Then he says, "Hey, I know who you are. You're Killer's limo driver." I'm like - holy shit. I remember him now, his name is Trevor. We both had a good laugh, amused at the irony of running into each other.
As if that's not enough, I took his mom and stepdad (along with 4 others) to the airport on Sunday. They also seemed to find the chance encounter relatively amusing. Small world, isn't it?
As far as the concert goes, I walked in at the end for the final 3 songs. They encored with New Speedway Boogie which was pretty cool. They sounded good but I think I would have gone insane if I had to sit through 2 hours plus of a hippified extravangza. Same thing goes for the Linsly Extravaganza.

Overkill

Me, Jepson and his friend Nancy went to see Overkill last night. We departed Wheeling around 6pm and went straight to the Southside. They were playing at this place called the Rex Theatre. I'm not sure what took longer - the drive or finding a place to park. After recycling around the block 4 times, I found a tight spot a few blocks up. I didn't want to go directly into the show so I convinced them to hit the bar next door - Mario's. It's a decent bar - I met my brother AJ there once back in the late 1990's and ate a smoked turkey sandwich. Although a distant memory, the sandwich was pretty good. This time there would be no sandwich - strictly Dewars and a Rolling Rock. We settled down at the corner of the bar. Eric and Nancy noticed this straggly dude sitting next to me. Turns out he was Bobby "Blitz" Ellsworth. I'll assume that 98.7% of the people who read this crap have no idea who Bobby Ellsworth is. He's the lead singer of the band we were going to see. We briefly exchanged pleasantries and Nancy got her picture taken. Jepson lamented that he would have liked an autograph. Unfortunately, the only thing available for him to sign was a menu. I doubt that would have gained much momentum on ebay. I asked him what they were going to open with and he replied "Deny the Cross." Kind of poetic.
We made our way into the "theatre." I was expecting a place like the Towngate in Center Wheeling. Basically, it was just a big open room with a bar in the back. Kind of small - probably had a maximum 250. Maybe it's just me, but the concert was way too loud and I'm getting way too old. The strange thing was that it looked like most everyone was in their 30's and 40's. These were old school metalheads, not a bunch of young kids. The band had to be in their 40's. Lots of bald men with long greasy ponytails were in attendance. Heavy tobacco presence as well. Smoking has not yet been abolished at the Rex Theatre. The band played for about an hour. I just kind of wandered off in my own isolated corner. I'm not sure how I ended up getting intoxicated, but somehow I managed. I hadn't eaten much all day.
On the way back, for some bizarre reason, I drifted left on 279 and ended up going home through Steubenville. Just wasn't paying attention. We stopped at Wendy's in Weirton on the way back and shoveled some food down our throats. Nothing overly entertaining to report. I think my days of "real" heavy metal are just about finished. Maybe I should stick with the lighter side of metal, except Slayer.

Steelers game #10

Another regular season playoff game - this one against the Lions. Win and we're in. As if my Detroit relatives weren't a sufficient reason to loathe the Lions. We picked up this couple off the Mt. Nebo exit. They seemed pleasant. The guy was cool and his girlfriend was mildly appealing, but looks can be deceiving. I had no clue what would transpire 4 hours later. She insisted I try some of her homeade quiche, and I must admit, it was the best quiche I'd had all day.
My earlier prognostications led me to believe it would be an easy ticket. Big mistake. I didn't anticipate the level of interest in the final Jerome Bettis game. The weather was unusually pleasant as well. Plus, most people were in for the holidays. I looked all over the place but to no avail. Then I decided to try the remainder of incoming cars on the Gold Lot. Still no luck. That game had just started and I figured I'd give it a little more time. Worst case scenario - hit a bar or watch it in the limo. Then, this middle aged man and his daughter overheard me asking for a ticket. He offered me his sinlge for cost - 55. I couldn't believe it. Apparently, he was unable to find a ticket for his daughter so they decided to get rid of their single. I hastily gave him 60 and he insisted on giving me a five back. I thanked him several times and told the girl she was lucky to have such a cool father.
I bolted into the stadium. Missed the opening score by Randle El but no big deal - I had made it in to every regular season home game. Mission accomplished - and we're not talkin' G.W. Bush style. Much to my surprise, the Lions came to play. They looked strong, but in the end we gave it to the Bus. He scored 3 times and they had a halftime tribute for him on the big screen. A heartwarming end to a turbulent season.
But the day was far from over. The girl we had taken up (her name was Beth) went into rare form after the game. She was simultaneously screaming, cursing, crying - basically annoying the living fuck out of everyone in the limo. Over the next few hours, I grew to really despise this cunt. We all hit a bar on the North side and things got progressively worse. I silently thoguht to myself - this girl is lucky she's not physically repugnant or she'd been killed off long ago. Eventually, after an agonizing trip back to his vehicle, we managed to get rid of them. Thank God Pittsburgh had won. If we had lost and had to endure her bullshit, I might have lost it. In the end I told Killer, "I hope that woman gets gang raped by Al Quaeda." Fuck it - I'd be willing to make the pilgrammage to Mecca if it means no further contact with that piece of shit known simply as Beth.

Steelers 35
Lions 21