I almost never post links to other blogs because I prefer to express personal observations. And to be honest, most people concerned with politics and religion are probably not interested in the incessant rants against Maury Povich or a lousy meal they just had. But I'm such a huge fan of the John Robb's Global Guerrilla blog and his recent post about Joseph Stack (the IRS airplane bomber) accurately reflects my thoughts concerning the inevitably of looting in the U.S.
Here's the link to one of the sharpest, most insightful individuals you'll ever come across. Robb analyzes everything without bias. The reading is occasionally heavy. It takes a while to fully appreciate concepts like resilient communities and decentralized platforms. The terms he uses are often unique, because he discusses concepts well ahead his time. Fortunately, his post about Stack is an easy read though. Sometimes, the comment section is equally enthralling. And I'll be honest - sometimes, it's over my head. When you strip it down, Robb and his faithful readers are discussing the future of societal breakdown and devising remedies for weathering the storm. If you're more concerned with the American Idol contestant who just came out of the closet, exit now.
globalguerrillas.typepad.com/globalguerrillas/2010/02/journal-rage-against-the-machine.html
Obviously, Joseph Stack was mentally ill and a lone wolf. But here's the underlying point made by Robb (and it's the same point I've often conveyed) -
"Will we see more of this violence? Most assuredly. Further, as this economic failure matures, damaging ever greater numbers of people, we may see less violence against people and more economic violence (disruption) in an attempt to extract from society as great a cost as they possibly can. A couple of hundred people, using the super-empowerment afforded by network disruption, could easily cause countless billions in economic damage. A thousand people?"
He doesn't mention looting specifically. But the looting model I've constructed is totally relevant. We've arrived at a point in history where "company loyalty" has vanished. This ain't the 1950's. People who have invested their entire lives into the blue collar work ethic have witnessed their pensions evaporate and their health care safety net disappear. The CEOs and attorneys walk away with millions. This is in direct contradiction to the American dream and the entire notions of capitalism and democracy. If you work hard, play by the rules (and the Palinites might want to include "love God and country"), you'll be rewarded. Well, now we all know that this is a complete fallacy. Perhaps their are still a few diehards who adhere to these principles. Some live right here in Wheeling, the others I'm guessing Bartlesville, Oklahoma.
Back to the looting. What would a hundred people do if they channeled their frustration toward corporate America? Well, let's try to build a model for straight smash and grab, pillage and plunder. Keep in mind, I'm not advocating violence against your local Walgreens. I'm telling you it's right around the corner. It is the future of the United States. Disaffected individuals in an inflated economy will ban together and exercise their focused wrath on corporate America. There's this underlying sense that the "little guy" is helpless and can't do anything against the overwhelming power of big government and corporate America. Well that's right... one "little guy" can't do shit. But 100 "little guys" is a TRIBE and can inflict massive destruction for their own personal gain.
I think the future will resemble something like the illegal drug market. Instead of people being defined by selling heroin or marijuana, they'll be defined by selling Prilosec and bacon. When looters assign themselves specific commodities for resale. Ohhh, you need an electric razor - you should pay a visit to Shaver Jim. He's got hundreds of them. That might sound a bit far fetched, but if time is of the essence and the looters are focused and have adequately game planned using basic military tactics... Well, that's a different story. You're in charge of disseminating the message and the timing. You're in charge of restricting traffic flow and first responders. You're in charge of smashing the security camera. You're in charge of stealing all the cigarettes. There just isn't much evidence left behind when the building gets torched.
So many beautiful glass storefront windows. Look at all those Macs. Ooooh, gaze lustily at that IPod. Well, let me tell you something. There's a downside to all that exquisite presentation. There's balance on this planet. You can't maintain this level of unabated retail sprawl. There are consequences.
As I see it, the difficulty is organizing and training your "looting tribe" without being infiltrated by corporate narcs and police detectives. Notification can be done via a simple text message. The technology to send untraceable messages and emails is available, just not widespread. That will soon change and society will respond accordingly. After a bunch of looting runs have been successful and reported in the media, the stigma of "stealing is wrong" will quickly dissipate. After all, it's just payback for the fat cats who stole our hard earned money in the first place.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
more Maury more Maury more
Yep. Wasn't it one of the East coast rappers that said "Mo money mo money mo?" Honestly, I don't know which thug to assign credit. Regardless, if you follow this blog, I've spoken of something I call the "Maury Povich progression." It's a tool used to determine the results of paternity tests before the actual results are read.
I've decided to expand the "MoPo progression" axiom into the realm of lie detector tests. I've been forced to do this because I have caught Maury Povich in a bold-faced lie. And he lies quite a bit. Allow me to explain.
Maury will often follow up a paternity test with a lie detector test directed at the woman. When the Maury team does both areas of investigative work, he will reach for the sacred manila envelope as the crowd shrieks with delight. At this point, he'll invariably preach, "Well, let's do the paternity results FIRST because the ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT IS THAT CHILD." This is a blatant lie. His staff will vary which test results are revealed first based on the situation in order to maximize crowd involvement.
Consider this. Let's say there's a woman named LaSquisha who just had a baby girl named Levonica. She's accusing a guy aptly named Levon, a man she met and fell in love with over the course of one night. As is often the case, they fell in love at the bar. But Levon is adamant that he is not the father. Regardless, they stayed together until baby Levonica was born. Turns out Levonica looks racially mixed. Levon and Squisha are both very black. Well, Levon wants a lie detector test because it's rumored that she slept with all her co-workers at the Taco Bell. She denies having slept with anyone else and is 10 million percent sure that Levon is the daddy.
Judging from the picture of baby Levonica, it's obvious that Levon is NOT the father. The kid's a borderline version of a dark ginger. Well, when Maury reaches for the envelope - it's going to be the lie detector results FIRST. We can make this conclusion because we all know the seed planted was not that of Levon. If Maury were to read the paternity results FIRST, LaSquisha would bolt off the stage and we wouldn't even need to hear the lie detector results because we've already ascertained that she slept with someone else (in this case, it may have been the sour cream dollop dispenser dude).
So when Maury proclaims, "Let's do the paternity test results FIRST because the ONLY thing I'm concerned about is the welfare of the child" - Well, here's the proof that he's completely full of shit. He reads the test results of whichever one makes better dynamic sense. And that's incontrovertible, logistical proof that Maury Povich is a lying sack of shit.
I've decided to expand the "MoPo progression" axiom into the realm of lie detector tests. I've been forced to do this because I have caught Maury Povich in a bold-faced lie. And he lies quite a bit. Allow me to explain.
Maury will often follow up a paternity test with a lie detector test directed at the woman. When the Maury team does both areas of investigative work, he will reach for the sacred manila envelope as the crowd shrieks with delight. At this point, he'll invariably preach, "Well, let's do the paternity results FIRST because the ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT IS THAT CHILD." This is a blatant lie. His staff will vary which test results are revealed first based on the situation in order to maximize crowd involvement.
Consider this. Let's say there's a woman named LaSquisha who just had a baby girl named Levonica. She's accusing a guy aptly named Levon, a man she met and fell in love with over the course of one night. As is often the case, they fell in love at the bar. But Levon is adamant that he is not the father. Regardless, they stayed together until baby Levonica was born. Turns out Levonica looks racially mixed. Levon and Squisha are both very black. Well, Levon wants a lie detector test because it's rumored that she slept with all her co-workers at the Taco Bell. She denies having slept with anyone else and is 10 million percent sure that Levon is the daddy.
Judging from the picture of baby Levonica, it's obvious that Levon is NOT the father. The kid's a borderline version of a dark ginger. Well, when Maury reaches for the envelope - it's going to be the lie detector results FIRST. We can make this conclusion because we all know the seed planted was not that of Levon. If Maury were to read the paternity results FIRST, LaSquisha would bolt off the stage and we wouldn't even need to hear the lie detector results because we've already ascertained that she slept with someone else (in this case, it may have been the sour cream dollop dispenser dude).
So when Maury proclaims, "Let's do the paternity test results FIRST because the ONLY thing I'm concerned about is the welfare of the child" - Well, here's the proof that he's completely full of shit. He reads the test results of whichever one makes better dynamic sense. And that's incontrovertible, logistical proof that Maury Povich is a lying sack of shit.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
additional facebook observations
A few months ago I wrote about my impressions of facebook. To be honest, I have mixed feelings about it. In many ways, facebook is a fantastic way to keep tabs on what's going on. Someone's birthday, so and so had a baby, this one got engaged, new job, just signed the contract on a new house, posting graduation pics, etc. blah. - I think these are relatively important things that transpire during the course of ones life. I think events like this are newsworthy or at the very least, I understand why everyone else thinks they're important. But what has facebook become?
Lately my impressions have turned (most would say predictably) sour. It just seems that things have been really "dumbed down." It's a difficult dilemma. Freedom of speech is the right I treasure the most, by far. But incessantly posting the words "HA HA" or "LOL" - is that really speech? I think John Hancock would be spinning in his grave if he were abruptly exposed to the modern-day version of the first amendment he was willing to die for. Sarah Palin? Now she could probably handle it. I think she once scribbled LMAO on her palm when anticipating a question about how Obama is trying to reign in the national deficit.
I sifted through some recent updates and have managed to lump some of them into several sub-groupings. I have then assigned a numerical ranking to each type. This way you can scroll back through some of your previous updates and rate yourself accordingly.
a ranking of 10 is generally good - it means your update was interesting and inspired
a ranking of 1 is not good - you have little creativity and are basically sheep.
As a general rule of thumb, wouldn't the status updates be more interesting if you were only allowed to post maybe once per day. There are far too many habitual status posting offenders. Is it narcissism? Is it sheer boredom? I do not know.
What about the copying and pasting fad? If you love God, know someone who has been impacted by a terminal illness, want others to reflect on human suffering from a natural disaster, on it goes. It's difficult to envision a world without people encouraging others to spread the word, or if you prefer, gospel. Kind of like a modern day chain letter.
Unless the content is original, I give you copy and pasters a 2.
OMG! WTF!
Bustin' Out.
Soooo Drunk!
Yipppeee!
How about these impassioned two word/phrase updates? These strike me as very peculiar. If there ever was a way to tell the world - "I have virtually no utilitarian value. I crave attention but this is the absolute best I can do." Very annoying. I desperately want a bunch of people to respond - "What's wrong", "U okay","hang in there" But wait, the "PISSED OFF" comment was only meant for a dozen people, not all of my 874 friends.
You get the worst ranking - .3
People who always post the same crap. C'mon show some creativity. These tend to be people who are always caught in a rut - country/metal/rap or "Go team" sports related posts. I realize it's easy to wrap your entire identity and sole purpose for existence around musical acts and sports teams. We've all suffered from this - even yours truly. Here's a general rule of thumb - if you are attending the game/concert or plan on turning it into an event, I think it's ok to post. But if you just want to say "Go Steelers" - that's wading into the lameness of the kiddie pool. And yes - I'm talking fatso, hairy-backed pedophile at the public Wheeling Park pool on an overcast Tuesday morning.
Not a strong ranking - 1.
What about people that post song lyrics? I have mixed views on this and it gets a little biased. If you quote rap lyrics - this trends weak. Mostly teen white girls making a desperate plea for attention. "Big Pimpin in Bellaire" - this is not good. But if you were to write "Bel-Dirty Pimpin" - that's a little better. And may I make a suggestion. If you're heading to let's say the upcoming Megadeth concert: rather than writing "We're on our way to go see Megadeth" how about employing a lyric and a more subtle, cryptic message - "Farewell tonight, R.I.P. (Rust in Peace)."
So if it's pop country or rap lyrics, you get a 2.
If it's hippie or metal lyrics, you get a 4.
I suppose this is biased, but it is grounded in reality based on the intellectualism of the musical genre.
What about the people who feel compelled to raise controversial political topics? Stuff like - Global warming? Al Gore's an idiot! It's freezing out!
Here's my thoughts on this one. It's really a bad idea to broach anything political or religious on Facebook. Mostly because the format does not lend itself to informed discussion. One response can be a lengthy doctoral dissertation about the melting ice cap causing greater fluctuations in climate. Then, someone else chimes in with a winning one word rebuttal - FAG! It reminds me of the endless, mostly unsubstantiated back and forth in the online Wheeling newspaper. The anonymous nature of the forum just does not lend itself to anything inspiring or substantive.
As far as the religious stuff goes, these days I don't view it as controversial but trending worthless and nonsensical.
So political comments - you get a 1
Religious stuff - you don't get shit. Oh wait, you get into heaven. My bad.
Farmville, Mafia Wars, Pillow Fight, Serving imaginary drinks, Headless chicken got out of its cage...
I have mixed thoughts on this. First, let me be up front. I actively choose to be a NON-participant in all of these applications. I have NO interest in any of this whatsoever. But here's what I do find relevant. Seeing which friends of mine who get actively involved in a barn-raising and selling apple cider by the roadside. This could be a valuable tool in determining your relative degree of sanity. Now I get it - you're a claims adjuster for Progressive Insurance, live in a studio apt. on the Southside and drink Starbucks super-double choco-lattes for breakfast but are overwhelmed with the dream of being an Amish bearded recluse selling woodcarvings and rhubarb pies. This helps me better understand the tsunami of mental confusion you face on an hourly basis. Truly vexing. So it's safe to say that I do find relevance in the ubiquitous, pummeling cascade of diarrheal verbiage. May the fragrant odor of fictitious bacon permeate your kitchen. Just make sure my make believe wheat toast isn't smothered in margarine and covered with grape jelly.
Imaginary application addicts - I give you a 1. For the information you unknowingly supply others - I give you a 6. Believe it or not, it does possess extrinsic value. As for intrinsic value... lamentably, it has none.
I joined the "I love Arethra Franklin's hat" club.
I'm a fan of Michelle Obama's Fist Pump.
Does anyone out there who clicks on these "Give Blood, Save A Life" links ever check back and see how the cause is going? Sometimes, you'll see these profiles with over 200 links. This is a troubling phenomenon because I know that you're desperate to let people know, "Hey, this is what I'm all about. This stuff defines me. I never gave it a second thought until I saw the "Eating a Primanti Brother's sandwich in the Strip District after the Penguins game" club. Yeah, that's what I'm all about. Good for you. I will let others define my entire existence, then I will let them know about it whether they want it or not. Everyone needs to know that "I bleed back and gold, but not so much in the pre-season." I suppose a few links is alright. If you have over 100, you might want to reexamine your link-clicking compulsion tendencies.
Hardcore link clickers - I give you a 2.
...more to follow
Lately my impressions have turned (most would say predictably) sour. It just seems that things have been really "dumbed down." It's a difficult dilemma. Freedom of speech is the right I treasure the most, by far. But incessantly posting the words "HA HA" or "LOL" - is that really speech? I think John Hancock would be spinning in his grave if he were abruptly exposed to the modern-day version of the first amendment he was willing to die for. Sarah Palin? Now she could probably handle it. I think she once scribbled LMAO on her palm when anticipating a question about how Obama is trying to reign in the national deficit.
I sifted through some recent updates and have managed to lump some of them into several sub-groupings. I have then assigned a numerical ranking to each type. This way you can scroll back through some of your previous updates and rate yourself accordingly.
a ranking of 10 is generally good - it means your update was interesting and inspired
a ranking of 1 is not good - you have little creativity and are basically sheep.
As a general rule of thumb, wouldn't the status updates be more interesting if you were only allowed to post maybe once per day. There are far too many habitual status posting offenders. Is it narcissism? Is it sheer boredom? I do not know.
What about the copying and pasting fad? If you love God, know someone who has been impacted by a terminal illness, want others to reflect on human suffering from a natural disaster, on it goes. It's difficult to envision a world without people encouraging others to spread the word, or if you prefer, gospel. Kind of like a modern day chain letter.
Unless the content is original, I give you copy and pasters a 2.
OMG! WTF!
Bustin' Out.
Soooo Drunk!
Yipppeee!
How about these impassioned two word/phrase updates? These strike me as very peculiar. If there ever was a way to tell the world - "I have virtually no utilitarian value. I crave attention but this is the absolute best I can do." Very annoying. I desperately want a bunch of people to respond - "What's wrong", "U okay","hang in there" But wait, the "PISSED OFF" comment was only meant for a dozen people, not all of my 874 friends.
You get the worst ranking - .3
People who always post the same crap. C'mon show some creativity. These tend to be people who are always caught in a rut - country/metal/rap or "Go team" sports related posts. I realize it's easy to wrap your entire identity and sole purpose for existence around musical acts and sports teams. We've all suffered from this - even yours truly. Here's a general rule of thumb - if you are attending the game/concert or plan on turning it into an event, I think it's ok to post. But if you just want to say "Go Steelers" - that's wading into the lameness of the kiddie pool. And yes - I'm talking fatso, hairy-backed pedophile at the public Wheeling Park pool on an overcast Tuesday morning.
Not a strong ranking - 1.
What about people that post song lyrics? I have mixed views on this and it gets a little biased. If you quote rap lyrics - this trends weak. Mostly teen white girls making a desperate plea for attention. "Big Pimpin in Bellaire" - this is not good. But if you were to write "Bel-Dirty Pimpin" - that's a little better. And may I make a suggestion. If you're heading to let's say the upcoming Megadeth concert: rather than writing "We're on our way to go see Megadeth" how about employing a lyric and a more subtle, cryptic message - "Farewell tonight, R.I.P. (Rust in Peace)."
So if it's pop country or rap lyrics, you get a 2.
If it's hippie or metal lyrics, you get a 4.
I suppose this is biased, but it is grounded in reality based on the intellectualism of the musical genre.
What about the people who feel compelled to raise controversial political topics? Stuff like - Global warming? Al Gore's an idiot! It's freezing out!
Here's my thoughts on this one. It's really a bad idea to broach anything political or religious on Facebook. Mostly because the format does not lend itself to informed discussion. One response can be a lengthy doctoral dissertation about the melting ice cap causing greater fluctuations in climate. Then, someone else chimes in with a winning one word rebuttal - FAG! It reminds me of the endless, mostly unsubstantiated back and forth in the online Wheeling newspaper. The anonymous nature of the forum just does not lend itself to anything inspiring or substantive.
As far as the religious stuff goes, these days I don't view it as controversial but trending worthless and nonsensical.
So political comments - you get a 1
Religious stuff - you don't get shit. Oh wait, you get into heaven. My bad.
Farmville, Mafia Wars, Pillow Fight, Serving imaginary drinks, Headless chicken got out of its cage...
I have mixed thoughts on this. First, let me be up front. I actively choose to be a NON-participant in all of these applications. I have NO interest in any of this whatsoever. But here's what I do find relevant. Seeing which friends of mine who get actively involved in a barn-raising and selling apple cider by the roadside. This could be a valuable tool in determining your relative degree of sanity. Now I get it - you're a claims adjuster for Progressive Insurance, live in a studio apt. on the Southside and drink Starbucks super-double choco-lattes for breakfast but are overwhelmed with the dream of being an Amish bearded recluse selling woodcarvings and rhubarb pies. This helps me better understand the tsunami of mental confusion you face on an hourly basis. Truly vexing. So it's safe to say that I do find relevance in the ubiquitous, pummeling cascade of diarrheal verbiage. May the fragrant odor of fictitious bacon permeate your kitchen. Just make sure my make believe wheat toast isn't smothered in margarine and covered with grape jelly.
Imaginary application addicts - I give you a 1. For the information you unknowingly supply others - I give you a 6. Believe it or not, it does possess extrinsic value. As for intrinsic value... lamentably, it has none.
I joined the "I love Arethra Franklin's hat" club.
I'm a fan of Michelle Obama's Fist Pump.
Does anyone out there who clicks on these "Give Blood, Save A Life" links ever check back and see how the cause is going? Sometimes, you'll see these profiles with over 200 links. This is a troubling phenomenon because I know that you're desperate to let people know, "Hey, this is what I'm all about. This stuff defines me. I never gave it a second thought until I saw the "Eating a Primanti Brother's sandwich in the Strip District after the Penguins game" club. Yeah, that's what I'm all about. Good for you. I will let others define my entire existence, then I will let them know about it whether they want it or not. Everyone needs to know that "I bleed back and gold, but not so much in the pre-season." I suppose a few links is alright. If you have over 100, you might want to reexamine your link-clicking compulsion tendencies.
Hardcore link clickers - I give you a 2.
...more to follow
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Walmart trouble
I just got back form Walmart in the Highlands. I was there at 11:30am this morning stocking up on some essentials as the blizzard continues to drone on like a Rosie O'Donnell comedy routine. The store was basically a ghost town. About 30 cars in the lot. Nonetheless, I was still pleasantly greeted by a hearty-bearded man. I rarely respond - the most they'll get back is a "Yo" or a brief head-nodding acknowledgment.
Anyway, I made an immediate left and headed toward the aspirin/toothpaste aisles. I then sweep around the store in a full circle. I call this classic Walmart envelopment strategy. It's my theory that you should NEVER start in the food aisle because if you get any frozen stuff, it just has extra time to melt or congeal. So I'm wrapping up my last bit of shopping and I walk into the bread/coffee aisle to obtain my Dunkin Donuts medium roast coffee original blend. As I enter the aisle, there is a disheveled man in his mid 40's with a young girl. The man looked a little bit like what I think would resemble country music legend Boxcar Willie. At about 5'8" and 220 lbs, he appeared unkempt. His wardrobe consisted of sweats and a mangy t-shirt. I suppose you could affix the dreaded white-trash label upon him. The young girl he was with looked a bit on the ratty side as well, kind of like a Dallas Pike truck stop Punky Brewster. Anyway, the girl is throwing a mild temper tantrum. He's yelling at her and shaking her shoulders as she continues to cry (not ear-piercingly loud, but definitely causing a commotion).
I'm trying to avoid making eye contact as I grab my coffee. We are the only three in the aisle. As I leave the twosome behind to settle their problems, a woman comes running past me charging at the dirtbag. At first, I thought it was the mom, but then realized it was a non-related third party. She starts yelling very loudly, "I saw you hit that girl! I'm calling the cops! You don't have the right to hit her!" She was very defiant. Well, dirtbag yells back, "Fuck you! I raised 4 kids. Don't tell me how to treat my kids. I didn't hit nobody!"
Well, now the commotion has spilled out front and center into the main area, right in between the produce section and the self-checkout machines. These two are yelling back and forth and a crowd of about a dozen has gathered around the two. And of course, the young girl is still bawling. An young, oafish employee says, "Alright, everyone can we please just calm down." The woman, "I saw what I saw. I'm calling the cops." She picks up her cellphone and dials 911. The man gathered up the daughter and said, "Well, I've had enough of this bullshit. I'm leaving." They leave the store and the woman is still in a huff.
I was checking out, making small talk with the cashier, while the rest of this incident transpired. As I was leaving the store, a cop pulled up and an employee outside directed him in the direction dirtbag went. The cop then sped off. As I got on the interstate, I noticed two more cruisers heading up 2-mile hill.
So here's my dilemma. What should I have done? Normally, I'm an acute observer of human behavior, but at this moment I just felt uncomfortable. I wanted to get my last item (the coffee) and get the hell out of there. Truth be told, I never saw dirtbag "hit" the girl. I did see him kneel down and shake her by the shoulders. I saw this out of the corner of my eye; whereas, the other woman had a full-frontal view of the incident. I was a lot closer to the action and never saw any striking motions or any overtly hostile behavior.
It's my belief that the woman over-stepped her bounds. When she started yelling the word "hit" instead of "shook," all the Walmartonians immediately reacted. And this woman was not going to let the matter dissipate. She was LOUD.
Maybe I should have said something. To be honest, I just didn't want to get involved. I do fear that if dirtbag was apprehended, he might not get a fair shake based on his slovenly appearance and crud-like hygiene.
Anyway, I made an immediate left and headed toward the aspirin/toothpaste aisles. I then sweep around the store in a full circle. I call this classic Walmart envelopment strategy. It's my theory that you should NEVER start in the food aisle because if you get any frozen stuff, it just has extra time to melt or congeal. So I'm wrapping up my last bit of shopping and I walk into the bread/coffee aisle to obtain my Dunkin Donuts medium roast coffee original blend. As I enter the aisle, there is a disheveled man in his mid 40's with a young girl. The man looked a little bit like what I think would resemble country music legend Boxcar Willie. At about 5'8" and 220 lbs, he appeared unkempt. His wardrobe consisted of sweats and a mangy t-shirt. I suppose you could affix the dreaded white-trash label upon him. The young girl he was with looked a bit on the ratty side as well, kind of like a Dallas Pike truck stop Punky Brewster. Anyway, the girl is throwing a mild temper tantrum. He's yelling at her and shaking her shoulders as she continues to cry (not ear-piercingly loud, but definitely causing a commotion).
I'm trying to avoid making eye contact as I grab my coffee. We are the only three in the aisle. As I leave the twosome behind to settle their problems, a woman comes running past me charging at the dirtbag. At first, I thought it was the mom, but then realized it was a non-related third party. She starts yelling very loudly, "I saw you hit that girl! I'm calling the cops! You don't have the right to hit her!" She was very defiant. Well, dirtbag yells back, "Fuck you! I raised 4 kids. Don't tell me how to treat my kids. I didn't hit nobody!"
Well, now the commotion has spilled out front and center into the main area, right in between the produce section and the self-checkout machines. These two are yelling back and forth and a crowd of about a dozen has gathered around the two. And of course, the young girl is still bawling. An young, oafish employee says, "Alright, everyone can we please just calm down." The woman, "I saw what I saw. I'm calling the cops." She picks up her cellphone and dials 911. The man gathered up the daughter and said, "Well, I've had enough of this bullshit. I'm leaving." They leave the store and the woman is still in a huff.
I was checking out, making small talk with the cashier, while the rest of this incident transpired. As I was leaving the store, a cop pulled up and an employee outside directed him in the direction dirtbag went. The cop then sped off. As I got on the interstate, I noticed two more cruisers heading up 2-mile hill.
So here's my dilemma. What should I have done? Normally, I'm an acute observer of human behavior, but at this moment I just felt uncomfortable. I wanted to get my last item (the coffee) and get the hell out of there. Truth be told, I never saw dirtbag "hit" the girl. I did see him kneel down and shake her by the shoulders. I saw this out of the corner of my eye; whereas, the other woman had a full-frontal view of the incident. I was a lot closer to the action and never saw any striking motions or any overtly hostile behavior.
It's my belief that the woman over-stepped her bounds. When she started yelling the word "hit" instead of "shook," all the Walmartonians immediately reacted. And this woman was not going to let the matter dissipate. She was LOUD.
Maybe I should have said something. To be honest, I just didn't want to get involved. I do fear that if dirtbag was apprehended, he might not get a fair shake based on his slovenly appearance and crud-like hygiene.
Saturday, February 06, 2010
anagrams
An anagram is the changing of words and phrases using the same existing letters. I employ anagrams when altering signs for a variety of local businesses. The main goal is to manipulate the letters to convey an irrelevant message. The ultimate victory is when you fundamentally change a sign to the opposite message.
Church marquees provide the best example.
SOUL FOOD SERVED HERE - This could be altered to FOUL HERO DESERVED
or how about
SINNERS REPENT - REPRESENT SIN
You get the gist. And with today's technology, you need not be highly gifted. Anyone can participate, even the mentally uninspired viewers of Fox News. All you need is one of those cell phones w/ internet access. This site is the best I've come across...
http://www.anagramgenius.com/server
Usually, the simpler the better. Stick with the main message and alter a key word or two. Make sure you disable the profanity setting when using the anagram program. Derogatory references to human genitalia are always the best. This is ideal for low standing church marquees. I'd also encourage changing signs that promote "CIGARETTES AND ALCOHOL" which can easily be transformed to read "SCATALOGICAL ADHERENT." This is the dream come true anagram. For those of you who don't know, the term scatalogical refers to scat - a fixation with fecal matter. Anything that includes mention of Sarah Palin... can often be changed to ASS PAIN if there's an extra "S."
I'm currently considering buying one of those 10 foot high letter changing devices. This would open up a whole new era where I could target fast food chain signs and major retailers. If you happen to own one of these, let me know. They can't be that costly. It's just a long pole with a "prong-gripping device" on the end.
Can you even fathom the possibilities? Think about the world we live in. It's all a bunch of crappy slogans and sound bytes. MCRIB IS BACK, ALL NUDE ENTERTAINMENT, BUCKET NIGHT, blah, etc. With the start of a new decade, it's time to encourage this hot new fad - I'm going to call it "Sign System Disruption" or "SSD" for short. I predict that SSD will placate our ailing melancholy in these recessionary times. This is just what Detroit needs. All those inner city convenience store signs are making me fucking salivate. It's as if I'm at Bob Evans and the waitress just asked me, "And your choice of breakfast meat?"
Just make sure you uphold the "Sign Alteration Code of Ethics." Under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to steal letters or bring your own lettering to enhance a troublesome sign. And there's a an absolute zero-tolerance policy for any type of vandalism whatsoever. That's a meaningful setback to a just cause, you know, like voting against the invasion and occupation of Iraq. Make sure to take before and after pictures and post them on your facebook crap. In these times of uncertainty, let us convey random, nonsensical messages to the masses.
I just did a few other commonplace phrases:
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE - A FELONIOUS BUSINESS
RESERVATIONS REQUIRED - TRENDIER, QUEER SAVIORS
VOTE REPUBLICAN - ABRUPT VIOLENCE
and how about this local favorite
OGLEBAY FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS - FLASHY FAGGOT LOVE BITES
And by the way, most of those expensive, elaborate church marquees under glass have miniature Masterlocks on them. All you need is the tiny generic key. It's one size fits all. Thank God.
Church marquees provide the best example.
SOUL FOOD SERVED HERE - This could be altered to FOUL HERO DESERVED
or how about
SINNERS REPENT - REPRESENT SIN
You get the gist. And with today's technology, you need not be highly gifted. Anyone can participate, even the mentally uninspired viewers of Fox News. All you need is one of those cell phones w/ internet access. This site is the best I've come across...
http://www.anagramgenius.com/server
Usually, the simpler the better. Stick with the main message and alter a key word or two. Make sure you disable the profanity setting when using the anagram program. Derogatory references to human genitalia are always the best. This is ideal for low standing church marquees. I'd also encourage changing signs that promote "CIGARETTES AND ALCOHOL" which can easily be transformed to read "SCATALOGICAL ADHERENT." This is the dream come true anagram. For those of you who don't know, the term scatalogical refers to scat - a fixation with fecal matter. Anything that includes mention of Sarah Palin... can often be changed to ASS PAIN if there's an extra "S."
I'm currently considering buying one of those 10 foot high letter changing devices. This would open up a whole new era where I could target fast food chain signs and major retailers. If you happen to own one of these, let me know. They can't be that costly. It's just a long pole with a "prong-gripping device" on the end.
Can you even fathom the possibilities? Think about the world we live in. It's all a bunch of crappy slogans and sound bytes. MCRIB IS BACK, ALL NUDE ENTERTAINMENT, BUCKET NIGHT, blah, etc. With the start of a new decade, it's time to encourage this hot new fad - I'm going to call it "Sign System Disruption" or "SSD" for short. I predict that SSD will placate our ailing melancholy in these recessionary times. This is just what Detroit needs. All those inner city convenience store signs are making me fucking salivate. It's as if I'm at Bob Evans and the waitress just asked me, "And your choice of breakfast meat?"
Just make sure you uphold the "Sign Alteration Code of Ethics." Under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to steal letters or bring your own lettering to enhance a troublesome sign. And there's a an absolute zero-tolerance policy for any type of vandalism whatsoever. That's a meaningful setback to a just cause, you know, like voting against the invasion and occupation of Iraq. Make sure to take before and after pictures and post them on your facebook crap. In these times of uncertainty, let us convey random, nonsensical messages to the masses.
I just did a few other commonplace phrases:
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE - A FELONIOUS BUSINESS
RESERVATIONS REQUIRED - TRENDIER, QUEER SAVIORS
VOTE REPUBLICAN - ABRUPT VIOLENCE
and how about this local favorite
OGLEBAY FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS - FLASHY FAGGOT LOVE BITES
And by the way, most of those expensive, elaborate church marquees under glass have miniature Masterlocks on them. All you need is the tiny generic key. It's one size fits all. Thank God.
Friday, February 05, 2010
free speech
http://dotsub.com/view/88eb11bf-15d4-40e0-a808-bc7c0b9b001c
I just watched a 6 minute speech concerning the suppression of freedom of speech in Europe and it reminded me of the importance and vitality of the first amendment. This guy has a pretty harsh assessment for those trying to criminalize anti-Muslim sentiment. He has tremendous verbal flair, a cohesive argument and doesn't mince words. His other diatribes are equally poignant. I recommend all of them.
For the past several months, I've debated over whether it's wise to write the following post. If you're one of my faithful readers (I estimate the total number at about a bakers dozen), you already know my thoughts and where I'm heading. I've decided to go on record with my concerns, even though it's the modern-day equivalent of screaming "fire" in a crowded theater.
At the 9/11 hearings, Condoleeza Rice testified before Congress that no one in the government "could have ever conceived of terrorists hijacking commercial planes and near-simultaneously crashing them into buildings." This statement was later proven erroneous when Richard Clarke gave testimony concerning the no-fly zone over the 1996 Atlanta Olympics. During an Olympic security meeting, Clarke was incredulous - "What if someone flies a plane into the Olympics? Why hasn't there been a no-fly zone established?" And what about the kamikaze pilots of World War II? My point - Our defense apparatus was certainly aware of the concept of using airplanes as 100,000 lb. cruise missiles. And Condoleeza later recanted and modified her original testimony.
I'd be willing to bet that somewhere in our massive defense infrastructure, the conceptual nature of 9/11 was conceived and discussed. Perhaps not the totality of 4 planes, but certainly 1 plane and a high value target. I'd also think it was deliberated upon and eventually rejected, not because it was implausible, but rather because in a pre-9/11 world, nothing could have been done regardless. There was no momentum for government to act. I can't fathom how the government would just construct a Department of Homeland Security, hire TSA agents & flight marshals, and order people to remove their shoes before boarding a plane. Something cataclysmic needed to transpire before there was governmental inertia.
If someone in the late 1990's had accurately predicted what transpired on 9/11, would you have held him liable? What if he concocted the entire scenario, wrote about it and then some crazed cell of suicidal terrorists found out about it and carried it to fruition? There's the conundrum. And it's a big one. What if someone out there had accurately predicted 9/11? Would the government have acted? No. Would civilians at the World Trade Centers reconsidered their vocations? No.
But isn't it always best to err on the side of trying to save innocent lives. That's what our leaders always say. "My #1 priority is safeguarding the lives of American citizens!" I've heard both Bush and Obama utter that exact phrase on a number of occasions. What if I conceived of an innovative terrorist plot, one which has surely been conceived of within the guarded walls of our bureaucratic defense department? But much like 9/11, you really can't discuss it for fear of it causing a government induced panic. After all, what if some extremist group sees your idea and takes action? Should you be held accountable? Can you be held liable for mere postulations? Is there a separate set of rules for the internet regarding freedom of speech? Is it feasible to monitor the blatherings of 6 billion human beings and selectively prosecute those with whom you disagree? Who makes that determination? If you keep reading, I assure you of one thing - you will soon see a test on the limits of free speech.
If you go online and search for the next 9/11 attack, you'll often see the "private planes flown by suicidal pilots detonating suitcase nukes over major metropolitan areas" scenario. The sonic amplification waves instantly killing hundreds of thousands. Ouch! That would probably throw a crimp in my weekend golf plans. And our government has also established "top secret safety protocol" for fear of some moron trying to crash a plane into a nuclear facility. Again with the ouch! That would nullify my plans to go see Pearl Jam. Why am I bringing this up? Because even if the likelihood is remote, it's an acceptable discourse when discussing national defense. The recent use of the explosive (PETN) by the Nigerian Abdulmutallab is also grounds for concern and an open forum. Anthrax, salmonella, botulinum toxin, poisoning the water supply - the last time I checked, it's all fair game for discussion and even preparedness.
But what if the next 9/11 is vastly simpler, conventional and here's the scary part, incredibly INEVITABLE. I've recently written about who might carry out the next significant 9/11. Aside from the massive shock value, 9/11 succeeded because it was a powerful demonstration of asymmetric tactics, especially employing the use of Islamic Jihadists willing to martyr themselves. It's amazing how much damage you can do if you're willing to die for your cause.
CNN website - A league source recently told us that the NFL anticipates that all-time audience record will be "shattered" by Super Bowl XLIV.
Last year, Super Bowl XLIII generated for NBC an all-time record audience of 98.7 million viewers. This year, the average audience is expected to extend into nine figures, for the first time ever.
Well, 100 million viewers +. That's one hell of a captive audience. If you're a follower of my blog, you've come to recognize one immutable fact. I believe that 4th generation warfare is comprised of MESSAGE. The vast majority of the American public has become immune and desensitized to the daily killings abroad. Just ask Joe Smith, "Do you know which Pakistani City was the site of a recent marketplace bombing that killed 28 and injured over 70?" As he struggles to even name a city in Pakistan, now ask him, "Are you going to fill out a NCAA Final Four bracket?" If you can't figure out his response, you're really out of touch with what Joe Schmo considers important. If you believe in the universal laws of balance (probably the only thing I actually believe in), at some point Joe Schmo is going to have to reexamine what he considers fundamentally important.
But wait a minute, this weekend is the Superbowl. The most prized platform for delivering a MESSAGE. Let me make this point so there can be absolutely no room for confusion. I believe it is inevitable that during the course of my lifetime, a group of individuals (you could call them terrorists if you wish), will try to "steal the superbowl." I've been dancing around this in previous blogs because I'm well aware of the sensitive nature of this subject. AND LET ME BE CLEAR, I have no desire whatsoever to see my prediction validated. Yet, I can't rely on the U.S. government to issue a public warning that adequately protects its citizens. Remember what Richard Clarke said during the 9/11 hearings - "I'm sorry. Your government failed you. I failed you." Well, if the U.S. government can't protect you, I suppose the burden falls on this 39 year old from Wheeltown, WV.
So what's your ominous prediction? How do you "steal the Superbowl?" Well, it's pretty damn easy. Assuming you have 2 or more people dedicated to delivering their MESSAGE, I think you would see either car bombs or improvised explosive devices detonated at sports bars/restaurants in the cities of origin for the Superbowl opponents (in this years case, New Orleans and Indianapolis). The simultaneous attacks would occur at roughly 6:30pm. Depending on the size and scope of the terrorist group, I think it would also be conceivable to see similarly timed/orchestrated attacks in Minneapolis and the New York/New Jersey metro area (representing the other teams recently eliminated). That's either 2 or 4 cities with accurate, alarming and indefensible relevance.
The main point - you have achieved absolute dominance with the ability to disseminate message. The network will be forced to alert the viewing public. If they don't, they would be held morally culpable in the event of additional attacks. But trust me, they would. This isn't like Fox News refraining from initial coverage of the Haiti earthquake because there's the inaugural Glenn Beck interview with Sarah Palin. This one's a no-brainer. Even the likes of Fox News cannot bypass a story of this magnitude.
But wait a minute. The government just spent millions fortifying the Superbowl site in Miami. Bomb sniffing dogs, chemical & biological weapons detectors, staggered checkpoints, enhanced security, FBI & Secret Service presence and the now-predictable no fly zone. Let's take a minute and thank the government for wisely allocating all this relatively worthless additional security. Perhaps we should be grateful that the government is only 20 years removed from the current threat. Why on earth would any terrorist worth his weight in Yemeni currency travel to Miami to deliver their message?
Let's focus on some of the defining characteristics of what I'm going to call "Stealing the Superbowl."
1) It transforms low value targets (sports bars/restaurants) into high value targets.
2) It's asymmetrical in nature. Much like 9/11, it has just simply never been conceived of and executed. Yet, it's entirely conventional in nature. No need for the sophistication of nuclear, biological or chemical weapons.
3) It utilizes TIMING as a weapon, a favorite tactic of Al Qaeda. Timed attacks would be even more terrifying because they're largely indefensible but highly predictable. Who, in their right mind, would go to a city/team relevant sports bar for future championship games? And yes, I think the fear would spread contagiously to other sporting events. There would be a terror-fueled, sociological shift in the way Americans spend their leisure time.
4) It cuts straight through the heart of the capitalist system and our obsession with professional football, right through the collective jugular of America. What company would spend mega-advertising bucks during the next Superbowl? All of a sudden, the sock puppet in the pet food commercial just doesn't seem as comical. Peyton Manning's TD/INT ratio doesn't seem that important either.
5) With the exception of a few isolated incidents through the last century, it brings the return of the car bomb to the United States in a dramatically meaningful way. Historically speaking, the car bomb has been a very useful tool in advancing meaningful political change as well as creating mass hysteria. The return of the car bomb, used as a weapon to assist in the delivery of message, is INEVITABLE as our nation state begins to further hollow and erode. And regrettably yes, unless you're a politician, the United States is currently in a stage of decline.
6) The actors need not be suicidal, religious inspired fanatics. Their death is not a necessity. This really opens up the spectrum of potential attackers. And since it's all about message, a significant body count is not a prerequisite. This will be a significant trademark of 4th generation warfare as the barriers to entry (committing acts of war) become more easily attainable.
7) And to put it bluntly, it's a real kick in the ass. Kudos! Congratulations to your city for achieving this wonderful opportunity on sports' grandest stage. Now, here's your reward.
I've covered more of these points adequately in previous posts. You can draw your own conclusions with regard to the attributes and pernicious fallout from such an attack.
Who would do pull it off? A foreign terrorist group - Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, or perhaps some geopolitical blowback from a Mexican or South American drug kingpin. How about a homegrown terrorist entity - perhaps the MS-13 gang or maybe some deranged group of pro-lifers. I've already covered who I think poses the greatest danger in a previous blog, so I won't regurgitate it.
I'm going out on a limb, but it's my contention that it will be a group of Fox News inspired, white supremacist birthers. I've never seen such a flow of unrestricted venom in the "news" business. And they're supposedly the #1 media outlet in a very hostile economic climate (horrible job market, precarious mortgage foreclosure situation, massive contempt for government and big business and all the accompanying inflation). This could provide the necessary spark to light the fuse. It would play especially well with the deranged birthers who believe Obama's not even an American citizen, let alone a legitimate president. These are the disillusioned, downtrodden rural types with more exposure to weaponry and a contempt for anyone they deem sophisticated and elitist. After having been exposed to the seemingly endless flow of Fox News propaganda, as well as a the inclination toward being receptive to brainwashing, and of course an already inherent predisposition towards embracing virulent racism - it just seems like the perfect storm. An amalgamation of incendiary factors and considerations.
Or now I'll get a little conspiratorial. Perhaps it could be a rogue element deep within the confines of the Republican party. A group committed to pulling it off but unwilling to assign responsibility. Such an attack would beckon for accountability, and would painfully linger over an administration already perceived as weak on terror. I wouldn't be surprised to see this administration eventually pay for the consequences of affording Abdulmutallab (the attempted PETN Nigerian bomber) the rights of an American citizen. This issue plays overwhelmingly in favor of the Dick Cheney machine. Closing Gitmo splits about 50/50. Waterboarding maybe 60/40. But offering foreign terrorists the same rights as American citizens is a LOSER. Probably splits about 85/15, if that. I expect to see it reemerge because it would play better than a Willie Horton ad. Except this time there would be long-bearded Muslim terrorist in full regalia being informed of his Miranda rights.
Why do I think it will happen this year? Just a strange hunch based on the prevailing climate of hostility. The undercurrent of racial tension with the election of Obama and the unabated contempt for the President via the constant drivel of Fox News. Eventually, there has to be some social blowback. You can't keep feeding the propaganda machine without consequence. Home foreclosure market, depressed job market, but mostly a newer trend - an obsession with instant "youtube-like" fame and notoriety - something I like to call the "American Idol Complex" - everyone can get their 15 minutes of fame all contribute to the problem. Well, except with my scenario you get at least 15 days of exposure. It would take quite some time before this story to dissipate out of the news cycle. It could conceivably have this magical ability to reemerge every time there's a major sporting event.
Am I worried about being investigated by the FBI? Yep. If you were to execute a simple google search on key words and phrases in this blog, I'm positive I'd surface somewhere in there. Here's something I find odd - I haven't scoured the internet, but I have poked around a good bit regarding this topic and nothing ever comes up. I'm convinced that google might be purposely suppressing their search engine results. I can't be the only person on the planet who has figured this out and decided to write about it (well, in English). Then again, not many saw 9/11 coming. What a fitting tribute - they could call me 2-7 boy, Superbowl conspirator, message-man, blah, etc.
I'm sure I could expect a knock at my door. Hopefully, they'll screw up and go to fuckface's house instead. Although concerned, I should be on safe ground. I'm not advocating violence. Merely trying to convey a sense of urgency to my enfeebled government. Plus, I'm posting this a couple days before the Superbowl. Hardly enough time for a sophisticated group of terrorists to get their act together.
The responsibility lies within each of us to remain vigilant and aware of our surroundings. And I'll be the first to admit, this post stretches the 1st Amendment in a precarious direction. But it's my contention, that your slightly sophisticated evildoer could figure this out. Remember in 2001-02 when the government felt obligated to put out heightened terror alert threat levels for the Hoover Dam, the Golden Gate Bridge, and of course my favorite, shopping malls. Of course, all these terror alerts had nothing to do with protecting its citizens. It was all about bureaucratic ass-covering. In retrospect, it's difficult to blame the government for this. But how about when they overplayed the anthrax attacks and there was a run on duct tape. I just think people should occasionally avoid sports bars at specific times in certain cities. I don't consider that to be fear mongering.
How can our government protect us, mired somewhere between 2nd and 3rd generation warfare, when it's painfully obvious that there entire military defense model is obsolete and incapable of transitioning? Our defense department reminds me of those words uttered by Dr. Phil - "You cannot change what you're not willing to acknowledge." What about the heralded Department of Homeland Security headed up by Janet Napolitano? The preceding statement doesn't even call for a sarcastic follow-up. So I'll go on record here, if you live in one of the representative cities involved in the Superbowl, do yourself a favor and stay at home. In any event, don't head out to the local sports pub. You could find your position heavily compromised, far worse than losing a coin toss wager or narrowly missing the square on your office pool Superbowl board.
Welcome to the fourth generation, a world where body counts become increasingly irrelevant. A world where smaller, non-state related actors vie for message exposure. As citizens become further disillusioned with the state, they'll become loyal to a variety of disparate groups or tribes - a distinct myriad of causes, each with a differing amount of perceived justification for the use of terror. And what's truly scary, as our country trends toward decentralization and the potency of modern technology rises, the ability for the aforementioned Joe Schmo to wage war makes just about everyone a player, and everyone a threat.
At the intersection of timing and the media lies the MESSAGE. I'd set up some kind of sophisticated model or flow chart to explain it better, but to be honest, I lack the cognitive skill. To be blunt, I'm just not smart enough. But I stand firm on my original prediction, the stealing of the Superbowl or a televised event of mass exposure is inevitable. At some point, it will happen.
One final thought, thank God Pixburgh isn't in the Superbowl this year. When the FBI comes a knockin', my traditional yearly Steelers playoff beard would have me lookin' all Al Qaeda up in n'at. The ensuing mugshot would not play well if I'm trying to garner/salvage hearts and minds. Yeah, that Saf guy is GUILTY. Well, at least with an Obama administration, I'll get a civilian trial instead of being blindfolded and water boarded. I could see Dick Cheney wearing a cowboy hat, sipping a gin and tonic, seated in a wheelchair in the corner of the room. "Let's get him boys! It's payback time!"
All kidding aside, I know this post is a "bit" edgy and a kind of conspiratorial, but I stand firm behind the original, fundamental assessment. Major live television events will eventually be usurped by "Breaking News." It's the next logical progression. It is INEVITABLE as message takes center stage. Here's an interesting idea - try building a model for which actions would be successful and which actions would fail. Damn! Wouldn't that make for some intriguing test cases for the 1st Amendment? But before I get into some real trouble, I think I'll go back to restaurant reviews and paternity tests.
I just watched a 6 minute speech concerning the suppression of freedom of speech in Europe and it reminded me of the importance and vitality of the first amendment. This guy has a pretty harsh assessment for those trying to criminalize anti-Muslim sentiment. He has tremendous verbal flair, a cohesive argument and doesn't mince words. His other diatribes are equally poignant. I recommend all of them.
For the past several months, I've debated over whether it's wise to write the following post. If you're one of my faithful readers (I estimate the total number at about a bakers dozen), you already know my thoughts and where I'm heading. I've decided to go on record with my concerns, even though it's the modern-day equivalent of screaming "fire" in a crowded theater.
At the 9/11 hearings, Condoleeza Rice testified before Congress that no one in the government "could have ever conceived of terrorists hijacking commercial planes and near-simultaneously crashing them into buildings." This statement was later proven erroneous when Richard Clarke gave testimony concerning the no-fly zone over the 1996 Atlanta Olympics. During an Olympic security meeting, Clarke was incredulous - "What if someone flies a plane into the Olympics? Why hasn't there been a no-fly zone established?" And what about the kamikaze pilots of World War II? My point - Our defense apparatus was certainly aware of the concept of using airplanes as 100,000 lb. cruise missiles. And Condoleeza later recanted and modified her original testimony.
I'd be willing to bet that somewhere in our massive defense infrastructure, the conceptual nature of 9/11 was conceived and discussed. Perhaps not the totality of 4 planes, but certainly 1 plane and a high value target. I'd also think it was deliberated upon and eventually rejected, not because it was implausible, but rather because in a pre-9/11 world, nothing could have been done regardless. There was no momentum for government to act. I can't fathom how the government would just construct a Department of Homeland Security, hire TSA agents & flight marshals, and order people to remove their shoes before boarding a plane. Something cataclysmic needed to transpire before there was governmental inertia.
If someone in the late 1990's had accurately predicted what transpired on 9/11, would you have held him liable? What if he concocted the entire scenario, wrote about it and then some crazed cell of suicidal terrorists found out about it and carried it to fruition? There's the conundrum. And it's a big one. What if someone out there had accurately predicted 9/11? Would the government have acted? No. Would civilians at the World Trade Centers reconsidered their vocations? No.
But isn't it always best to err on the side of trying to save innocent lives. That's what our leaders always say. "My #1 priority is safeguarding the lives of American citizens!" I've heard both Bush and Obama utter that exact phrase on a number of occasions. What if I conceived of an innovative terrorist plot, one which has surely been conceived of within the guarded walls of our bureaucratic defense department? But much like 9/11, you really can't discuss it for fear of it causing a government induced panic. After all, what if some extremist group sees your idea and takes action? Should you be held accountable? Can you be held liable for mere postulations? Is there a separate set of rules for the internet regarding freedom of speech? Is it feasible to monitor the blatherings of 6 billion human beings and selectively prosecute those with whom you disagree? Who makes that determination? If you keep reading, I assure you of one thing - you will soon see a test on the limits of free speech.
If you go online and search for the next 9/11 attack, you'll often see the "private planes flown by suicidal pilots detonating suitcase nukes over major metropolitan areas" scenario. The sonic amplification waves instantly killing hundreds of thousands. Ouch! That would probably throw a crimp in my weekend golf plans. And our government has also established "top secret safety protocol" for fear of some moron trying to crash a plane into a nuclear facility. Again with the ouch! That would nullify my plans to go see Pearl Jam. Why am I bringing this up? Because even if the likelihood is remote, it's an acceptable discourse when discussing national defense. The recent use of the explosive (PETN) by the Nigerian Abdulmutallab is also grounds for concern and an open forum. Anthrax, salmonella, botulinum toxin, poisoning the water supply - the last time I checked, it's all fair game for discussion and even preparedness.
But what if the next 9/11 is vastly simpler, conventional and here's the scary part, incredibly INEVITABLE. I've recently written about who might carry out the next significant 9/11. Aside from the massive shock value, 9/11 succeeded because it was a powerful demonstration of asymmetric tactics, especially employing the use of Islamic Jihadists willing to martyr themselves. It's amazing how much damage you can do if you're willing to die for your cause.
CNN website - A league source recently told us that the NFL anticipates that all-time audience record will be "shattered" by Super Bowl XLIV.
Last year, Super Bowl XLIII generated for NBC an all-time record audience of 98.7 million viewers. This year, the average audience is expected to extend into nine figures, for the first time ever.
Well, 100 million viewers +. That's one hell of a captive audience. If you're a follower of my blog, you've come to recognize one immutable fact. I believe that 4th generation warfare is comprised of MESSAGE. The vast majority of the American public has become immune and desensitized to the daily killings abroad. Just ask Joe Smith, "Do you know which Pakistani City was the site of a recent marketplace bombing that killed 28 and injured over 70?" As he struggles to even name a city in Pakistan, now ask him, "Are you going to fill out a NCAA Final Four bracket?" If you can't figure out his response, you're really out of touch with what Joe Schmo considers important. If you believe in the universal laws of balance (probably the only thing I actually believe in), at some point Joe Schmo is going to have to reexamine what he considers fundamentally important.
But wait a minute, this weekend is the Superbowl. The most prized platform for delivering a MESSAGE. Let me make this point so there can be absolutely no room for confusion. I believe it is inevitable that during the course of my lifetime, a group of individuals (you could call them terrorists if you wish), will try to "steal the superbowl." I've been dancing around this in previous blogs because I'm well aware of the sensitive nature of this subject. AND LET ME BE CLEAR, I have no desire whatsoever to see my prediction validated. Yet, I can't rely on the U.S. government to issue a public warning that adequately protects its citizens. Remember what Richard Clarke said during the 9/11 hearings - "I'm sorry. Your government failed you. I failed you." Well, if the U.S. government can't protect you, I suppose the burden falls on this 39 year old from Wheeltown, WV.
So what's your ominous prediction? How do you "steal the Superbowl?" Well, it's pretty damn easy. Assuming you have 2 or more people dedicated to delivering their MESSAGE, I think you would see either car bombs or improvised explosive devices detonated at sports bars/restaurants in the cities of origin for the Superbowl opponents (in this years case, New Orleans and Indianapolis). The simultaneous attacks would occur at roughly 6:30pm. Depending on the size and scope of the terrorist group, I think it would also be conceivable to see similarly timed/orchestrated attacks in Minneapolis and the New York/New Jersey metro area (representing the other teams recently eliminated). That's either 2 or 4 cities with accurate, alarming and indefensible relevance.
The main point - you have achieved absolute dominance with the ability to disseminate message. The network will be forced to alert the viewing public. If they don't, they would be held morally culpable in the event of additional attacks. But trust me, they would. This isn't like Fox News refraining from initial coverage of the Haiti earthquake because there's the inaugural Glenn Beck interview with Sarah Palin. This one's a no-brainer. Even the likes of Fox News cannot bypass a story of this magnitude.
But wait a minute. The government just spent millions fortifying the Superbowl site in Miami. Bomb sniffing dogs, chemical & biological weapons detectors, staggered checkpoints, enhanced security, FBI & Secret Service presence and the now-predictable no fly zone. Let's take a minute and thank the government for wisely allocating all this relatively worthless additional security. Perhaps we should be grateful that the government is only 20 years removed from the current threat. Why on earth would any terrorist worth his weight in Yemeni currency travel to Miami to deliver their message?
Let's focus on some of the defining characteristics of what I'm going to call "Stealing the Superbowl."
1) It transforms low value targets (sports bars/restaurants) into high value targets.
2) It's asymmetrical in nature. Much like 9/11, it has just simply never been conceived of and executed. Yet, it's entirely conventional in nature. No need for the sophistication of nuclear, biological or chemical weapons.
3) It utilizes TIMING as a weapon, a favorite tactic of Al Qaeda. Timed attacks would be even more terrifying because they're largely indefensible but highly predictable. Who, in their right mind, would go to a city/team relevant sports bar for future championship games? And yes, I think the fear would spread contagiously to other sporting events. There would be a terror-fueled, sociological shift in the way Americans spend their leisure time.
4) It cuts straight through the heart of the capitalist system and our obsession with professional football, right through the collective jugular of America. What company would spend mega-advertising bucks during the next Superbowl? All of a sudden, the sock puppet in the pet food commercial just doesn't seem as comical. Peyton Manning's TD/INT ratio doesn't seem that important either.
5) With the exception of a few isolated incidents through the last century, it brings the return of the car bomb to the United States in a dramatically meaningful way. Historically speaking, the car bomb has been a very useful tool in advancing meaningful political change as well as creating mass hysteria. The return of the car bomb, used as a weapon to assist in the delivery of message, is INEVITABLE as our nation state begins to further hollow and erode. And regrettably yes, unless you're a politician, the United States is currently in a stage of decline.
6) The actors need not be suicidal, religious inspired fanatics. Their death is not a necessity. This really opens up the spectrum of potential attackers. And since it's all about message, a significant body count is not a prerequisite. This will be a significant trademark of 4th generation warfare as the barriers to entry (committing acts of war) become more easily attainable.
7) And to put it bluntly, it's a real kick in the ass. Kudos! Congratulations to your city for achieving this wonderful opportunity on sports' grandest stage. Now, here's your reward.
I've covered more of these points adequately in previous posts. You can draw your own conclusions with regard to the attributes and pernicious fallout from such an attack.
Who would do pull it off? A foreign terrorist group - Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, or perhaps some geopolitical blowback from a Mexican or South American drug kingpin. How about a homegrown terrorist entity - perhaps the MS-13 gang or maybe some deranged group of pro-lifers. I've already covered who I think poses the greatest danger in a previous blog, so I won't regurgitate it.
I'm going out on a limb, but it's my contention that it will be a group of Fox News inspired, white supremacist birthers. I've never seen such a flow of unrestricted venom in the "news" business. And they're supposedly the #1 media outlet in a very hostile economic climate (horrible job market, precarious mortgage foreclosure situation, massive contempt for government and big business and all the accompanying inflation). This could provide the necessary spark to light the fuse. It would play especially well with the deranged birthers who believe Obama's not even an American citizen, let alone a legitimate president. These are the disillusioned, downtrodden rural types with more exposure to weaponry and a contempt for anyone they deem sophisticated and elitist. After having been exposed to the seemingly endless flow of Fox News propaganda, as well as a the inclination toward being receptive to brainwashing, and of course an already inherent predisposition towards embracing virulent racism - it just seems like the perfect storm. An amalgamation of incendiary factors and considerations.
Or now I'll get a little conspiratorial. Perhaps it could be a rogue element deep within the confines of the Republican party. A group committed to pulling it off but unwilling to assign responsibility. Such an attack would beckon for accountability, and would painfully linger over an administration already perceived as weak on terror. I wouldn't be surprised to see this administration eventually pay for the consequences of affording Abdulmutallab (the attempted PETN Nigerian bomber) the rights of an American citizen. This issue plays overwhelmingly in favor of the Dick Cheney machine. Closing Gitmo splits about 50/50. Waterboarding maybe 60/40. But offering foreign terrorists the same rights as American citizens is a LOSER. Probably splits about 85/15, if that. I expect to see it reemerge because it would play better than a Willie Horton ad. Except this time there would be long-bearded Muslim terrorist in full regalia being informed of his Miranda rights.
Why do I think it will happen this year? Just a strange hunch based on the prevailing climate of hostility. The undercurrent of racial tension with the election of Obama and the unabated contempt for the President via the constant drivel of Fox News. Eventually, there has to be some social blowback. You can't keep feeding the propaganda machine without consequence. Home foreclosure market, depressed job market, but mostly a newer trend - an obsession with instant "youtube-like" fame and notoriety - something I like to call the "American Idol Complex" - everyone can get their 15 minutes of fame all contribute to the problem. Well, except with my scenario you get at least 15 days of exposure. It would take quite some time before this story to dissipate out of the news cycle. It could conceivably have this magical ability to reemerge every time there's a major sporting event.
Am I worried about being investigated by the FBI? Yep. If you were to execute a simple google search on key words and phrases in this blog, I'm positive I'd surface somewhere in there. Here's something I find odd - I haven't scoured the internet, but I have poked around a good bit regarding this topic and nothing ever comes up. I'm convinced that google might be purposely suppressing their search engine results. I can't be the only person on the planet who has figured this out and decided to write about it (well, in English). Then again, not many saw 9/11 coming. What a fitting tribute - they could call me 2-7 boy, Superbowl conspirator, message-man, blah, etc.
I'm sure I could expect a knock at my door. Hopefully, they'll screw up and go to fuckface's house instead. Although concerned, I should be on safe ground. I'm not advocating violence. Merely trying to convey a sense of urgency to my enfeebled government. Plus, I'm posting this a couple days before the Superbowl. Hardly enough time for a sophisticated group of terrorists to get their act together.
The responsibility lies within each of us to remain vigilant and aware of our surroundings. And I'll be the first to admit, this post stretches the 1st Amendment in a precarious direction. But it's my contention, that your slightly sophisticated evildoer could figure this out. Remember in 2001-02 when the government felt obligated to put out heightened terror alert threat levels for the Hoover Dam, the Golden Gate Bridge, and of course my favorite, shopping malls. Of course, all these terror alerts had nothing to do with protecting its citizens. It was all about bureaucratic ass-covering. In retrospect, it's difficult to blame the government for this. But how about when they overplayed the anthrax attacks and there was a run on duct tape. I just think people should occasionally avoid sports bars at specific times in certain cities. I don't consider that to be fear mongering.
How can our government protect us, mired somewhere between 2nd and 3rd generation warfare, when it's painfully obvious that there entire military defense model is obsolete and incapable of transitioning? Our defense department reminds me of those words uttered by Dr. Phil - "You cannot change what you're not willing to acknowledge." What about the heralded Department of Homeland Security headed up by Janet Napolitano? The preceding statement doesn't even call for a sarcastic follow-up. So I'll go on record here, if you live in one of the representative cities involved in the Superbowl, do yourself a favor and stay at home. In any event, don't head out to the local sports pub. You could find your position heavily compromised, far worse than losing a coin toss wager or narrowly missing the square on your office pool Superbowl board.
Welcome to the fourth generation, a world where body counts become increasingly irrelevant. A world where smaller, non-state related actors vie for message exposure. As citizens become further disillusioned with the state, they'll become loyal to a variety of disparate groups or tribes - a distinct myriad of causes, each with a differing amount of perceived justification for the use of terror. And what's truly scary, as our country trends toward decentralization and the potency of modern technology rises, the ability for the aforementioned Joe Schmo to wage war makes just about everyone a player, and everyone a threat.
At the intersection of timing and the media lies the MESSAGE. I'd set up some kind of sophisticated model or flow chart to explain it better, but to be honest, I lack the cognitive skill. To be blunt, I'm just not smart enough. But I stand firm on my original prediction, the stealing of the Superbowl or a televised event of mass exposure is inevitable. At some point, it will happen.
One final thought, thank God Pixburgh isn't in the Superbowl this year. When the FBI comes a knockin', my traditional yearly Steelers playoff beard would have me lookin' all Al Qaeda up in n'at. The ensuing mugshot would not play well if I'm trying to garner/salvage hearts and minds. Yeah, that Saf guy is GUILTY. Well, at least with an Obama administration, I'll get a civilian trial instead of being blindfolded and water boarded. I could see Dick Cheney wearing a cowboy hat, sipping a gin and tonic, seated in a wheelchair in the corner of the room. "Let's get him boys! It's payback time!"
All kidding aside, I know this post is a "bit" edgy and a kind of conspiratorial, but I stand firm behind the original, fundamental assessment. Major live television events will eventually be usurped by "Breaking News." It's the next logical progression. It is INEVITABLE as message takes center stage. Here's an interesting idea - try building a model for which actions would be successful and which actions would fail. Damn! Wouldn't that make for some intriguing test cases for the 1st Amendment? But before I get into some real trouble, I think I'll go back to restaurant reviews and paternity tests.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Frigsagis
I've decided to start a new home based business. God damnit! That's right bitches (and to a lesser extent, ho's). This week I'm going to start selling Frigsagii! "What's a Frigsagis?" is more than a mere question. All I can say - the answer lies not in your heart, but on your frig.
Alright, here's a technical schematic. Each Frigsagis will be a 1 foot by 3 feet. They're a random collection of internet pics of Brian and Shawn Chrisagis; thus, each will be unique. Tee Hee, you will like these.
Lately, "how many pictures is in a Frigsagis?" is a question I've been hearing a lot. I'm going to make a commitment here - the average Frigsagis will have absolutely no less than 10 photos! I'm considering hiring a quality assurance control specialist.
All come nicely framed in a plexiglass sheet composite w/ magnetic backing. The instructions are simple - you buy them from me and slap them on your frig.
How much will they cost? I'm opting for a variable cost pricing structure.
If I know you and like you - $5.00.
I I know you and I don't like you - $10.00.
If I don't know you and I like you - $5.00.
If I don't know you and I don't like you - $10.00.
Here's a question recently posed by a young, balding Krishna, "Saf, can I get a black and white Frigsagis? Kind of a vintage, retrosagis? How much more would that cost?" Listen here you hippie stank, it's a little too soon to fill custom orders.
You know what? I'm just going to answer all the relevant questions.
Q: Do you ship outside the continental United States?
A: No, I don't ship anywhere. You can only purchase them from the library gift shop.
Q: Will Brian and/or Shawn Chrisagis receive any percentage of the net profits?
A: No
Q: Will you consider donating a percentage of the profits to a charitable organization?
A: Yes. 20% of all net profits will donated to the FFRF (Freedom from Religion Foundation). As a lifetime member, I'm proud to make this donation. The FFRF is a Wisconsin based organization comprised of secular humanists, atheists, agnostics and free thinkers who heavily value the separation of church and state.
Q: Where will you advertise? Saf, how much is that going to cost ya?
A: Well, I'll probably advertise from time to time in the facebook comment section. It will always be free and relevant.
Q: Will you ever modify your strict sales location approach?
A: Yes. If the business takes off, I might sell them out of the back of my Subaru hatch in the parking lot of the 19th HO.
Q: Is there a discount if I buy multiple Frigsagises?
A: First off, the plural of Frisagises is Frigsagii. And yes, I'm considering a modest discount on any evil holiday (such as Halloween) or whenever there's a significant religious inspired terrorist attack (perhaps the destruction of a mosque, stampede at the Hajj, pro-lifer bombs an abortion clinic, anything of that nature).
Q: How many Frigsagii do you hope to sell per month?
A: I honestly don't have a clue.
Q: Where will you get this alleged "plexiglass composite" framing?
A: Probably Staples.
Q: Would you be willing to agree with the following statement... A Frigsagis is a gift from above.
A: This would depend on whether or not you live at a higher altitude. For example, if you reside in Erie, Pennsylvania then the answer would be yes. It is indeed a gift from above. However, if you live below, like my neighbor fuckface, than the answer would have to be no, it's not.
If you have any Frigsagis related questions, feel free to inquire in the comment section below.
Alright, here's a technical schematic. Each Frigsagis will be a 1 foot by 3 feet. They're a random collection of internet pics of Brian and Shawn Chrisagis; thus, each will be unique. Tee Hee, you will like these.
Lately, "how many pictures is in a Frigsagis?" is a question I've been hearing a lot. I'm going to make a commitment here - the average Frigsagis will have absolutely no less than 10 photos! I'm considering hiring a quality assurance control specialist.
All come nicely framed in a plexiglass sheet composite w/ magnetic backing. The instructions are simple - you buy them from me and slap them on your frig.
How much will they cost? I'm opting for a variable cost pricing structure.
If I know you and like you - $5.00.
I I know you and I don't like you - $10.00.
If I don't know you and I like you - $5.00.
If I don't know you and I don't like you - $10.00.
Here's a question recently posed by a young, balding Krishna, "Saf, can I get a black and white Frigsagis? Kind of a vintage, retrosagis? How much more would that cost?" Listen here you hippie stank, it's a little too soon to fill custom orders.
You know what? I'm just going to answer all the relevant questions.
Q: Do you ship outside the continental United States?
A: No, I don't ship anywhere. You can only purchase them from the library gift shop.
Q: Will Brian and/or Shawn Chrisagis receive any percentage of the net profits?
A: No
Q: Will you consider donating a percentage of the profits to a charitable organization?
A: Yes. 20% of all net profits will donated to the FFRF (Freedom from Religion Foundation). As a lifetime member, I'm proud to make this donation. The FFRF is a Wisconsin based organization comprised of secular humanists, atheists, agnostics and free thinkers who heavily value the separation of church and state.
Q: Where will you advertise? Saf, how much is that going to cost ya?
A: Well, I'll probably advertise from time to time in the facebook comment section. It will always be free and relevant.
Q: Will you ever modify your strict sales location approach?
A: Yes. If the business takes off, I might sell them out of the back of my Subaru hatch in the parking lot of the 19th HO.
Q: Is there a discount if I buy multiple Frigsagises?
A: First off, the plural of Frisagises is Frigsagii. And yes, I'm considering a modest discount on any evil holiday (such as Halloween) or whenever there's a significant religious inspired terrorist attack (perhaps the destruction of a mosque, stampede at the Hajj, pro-lifer bombs an abortion clinic, anything of that nature).
Q: How many Frigsagii do you hope to sell per month?
A: I honestly don't have a clue.
Q: Where will you get this alleged "plexiglass composite" framing?
A: Probably Staples.
Q: Would you be willing to agree with the following statement... A Frigsagis is a gift from above.
A: This would depend on whether or not you live at a higher altitude. For example, if you reside in Erie, Pennsylvania then the answer would be yes. It is indeed a gift from above. However, if you live below, like my neighbor fuckface, than the answer would have to be no, it's not.
If you have any Frigsagis related questions, feel free to inquire in the comment section below.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
3 misc. items
I'm looking forward to the Jets-Colts game on Sunday. The Colts are predictably 7.5 favorites at home. No surprise there. But I like the Jets chances. Here's why. I think most people would agree that if Peyton Manning has a bad day, the Colts season is over. Basically, most observers would agree that the collective fate of Indy lies in the hands of their quarterback. Well historically, Manning has had difficulty dealing with the 3-4 defense. And Rex Ryan is a strong proponent of this scheme. He'll throw everything but the kitchen sink at Manning. And that Revis cornerback guy is SICK. I think he's the best defensive back in the NFL. I like his attitude as well. Extremely mellow and almost indifferent. No showboating whatsoever.
Rex Ryan is the exact opposite. That fat fuck's brazen enthusiasm and cockiness is infectious. I love the Jets in the underdog role. I hope they make a game of it. I'm expecting it to go down to the wire. Wouldn't it be cool if the team Indy laid down for, knocked them out of the AFC championship? Just like last week in San Diego, all the pressure is on Indy. And even it would throw a wrench in my terror prediction, I'm rooting for Jets.
And this brings me to another football related observation. They finally moved the NFL Pro Bowl out of Honolulu. Great idea. It was about time for a change of venue and it's probably the most anti-climactic way conceivable to end the NFL season. So they moved it to the site of the Superbowl (Miami) a week before the big game on Sunday, Jan. 31. Great idea, right? FUCK NO! Who the hell is running the NFL head office? I'm assuming it's still Paul Tagliabue. They scheduled the game for 7:20 this Sunday on ESPN. For the sake of Jehovah, the Pro Bowl will be running simultaneously with the NFC Championship game in New Orleans. What football fan would rather watch the Pro Bowl (which is extremely glamorous and pussified) instead of watching one of the 2 most dramatic games of the entire season? I'm not saying the Vikings-Saints game will be a barnburner, although most sensible people are expecting an exciting shoot-out. I'm just left in a complete state consternation and utter dismay. Put the game on Saturday night! Don't have it coincide with championship Sunday. If you're a REAL football fan, the NFC/AFC title games are far more exciting than the Superbowl. Unbelievable!
Stepping into a different arena, I'm a big fan of the Kroger brand FUN DAZE SUNDAES ice cream cones (preferably the Vanilla ice cream w/ caramel). The Kroger brand absolutely crushes the Nestle version. You'd think it would be the other way around, but it's not even close. And there's a considerable price discrepancy as well.
And onto my final thought. I was watching Larry King Live last night and they had on American woman (I'm pretty sure she was a missionary) who had been rescued from the rubble in Haiti. She had spent several days trapped praying for her survival. She was flanked by her two sons in a hospital bed and seemed to be doing quite well considering her life threatening ordeal. Larry asked her what it was that kept her going. Her response was, "My lord and savior Jesus Christ. Thank you Jesus." You know what, I hear ya loud and clear. I don't really have a problem with thanking mythical beings, if that's your thing.
But they also had the split screen with three Americans. They were the Emergency Medical Technicians and part of a first responder unit that flew to Haiti. They provided details about how they heard knocking sounds, extricated her from piles of debris and then whisked her off for the appropriate medical care. These guys seemed very conscientious and uninterested in the spotlight - the ultimate humanitarians. Plus, heading down to Haiti right now is not the safest proposition, especially when nightfall approaches.
My dilemma was with the woman's constant, continual gratitude expressed toward Jesus. When Larry King asked her if she wanted to say anything to the EMT's, all she could muster was a brief "thank you, but it was the power of Jesus that kept her going until they got there to help me." You see, they were the ones who helped her out, but it was the power of Jesus that saved her life. I get it.
Now I realize that if you've encountered a near death experience, the majority of humans are going to get a little spiritual - even if an atheist like yours truly. Hey, it's whatever works when your life is hanging by a thread, right? This woman just sickened me with her lack of appreciation in the real rescue crew. I think it would have been amusing if one of the responders had been a Muslim and gotten into an argument on live tv. He could have said, "Well Larry, I don't think it was the power of Jesus. Trust me Mr. King, it was the power of Allah that saved her life." Even better, he could have gone on an atheist or agnostic rant. Though, that would take some massive effrontery of biblical proportions.
One day, it's my dream to see some quarterback that just won the Superbowl or some gutsy politician who won an upset election come on live tv and go out of his/her way to make it known that they're not in the habit of thanking imaginary ghosts. Maybe say something like, "I just don't want the viewing public to think I'm crazy or mentally ill. It's just that I don't believe in things like gods, ghosts or goblins." I guess we had Kathy Griffin (the comedian). When she won a Peoples Choice Award, she told Jesus to "suck it." Well, not the greatest moment but at least it's a start.
Rex Ryan is the exact opposite. That fat fuck's brazen enthusiasm and cockiness is infectious. I love the Jets in the underdog role. I hope they make a game of it. I'm expecting it to go down to the wire. Wouldn't it be cool if the team Indy laid down for, knocked them out of the AFC championship? Just like last week in San Diego, all the pressure is on Indy. And even it would throw a wrench in my terror prediction, I'm rooting for Jets.
And this brings me to another football related observation. They finally moved the NFL Pro Bowl out of Honolulu. Great idea. It was about time for a change of venue and it's probably the most anti-climactic way conceivable to end the NFL season. So they moved it to the site of the Superbowl (Miami) a week before the big game on Sunday, Jan. 31. Great idea, right? FUCK NO! Who the hell is running the NFL head office? I'm assuming it's still Paul Tagliabue. They scheduled the game for 7:20 this Sunday on ESPN. For the sake of Jehovah, the Pro Bowl will be running simultaneously with the NFC Championship game in New Orleans. What football fan would rather watch the Pro Bowl (which is extremely glamorous and pussified) instead of watching one of the 2 most dramatic games of the entire season? I'm not saying the Vikings-Saints game will be a barnburner, although most sensible people are expecting an exciting shoot-out. I'm just left in a complete state consternation and utter dismay. Put the game on Saturday night! Don't have it coincide with championship Sunday. If you're a REAL football fan, the NFC/AFC title games are far more exciting than the Superbowl. Unbelievable!
Stepping into a different arena, I'm a big fan of the Kroger brand FUN DAZE SUNDAES ice cream cones (preferably the Vanilla ice cream w/ caramel). The Kroger brand absolutely crushes the Nestle version. You'd think it would be the other way around, but it's not even close. And there's a considerable price discrepancy as well.
And onto my final thought. I was watching Larry King Live last night and they had on American woman (I'm pretty sure she was a missionary) who had been rescued from the rubble in Haiti. She had spent several days trapped praying for her survival. She was flanked by her two sons in a hospital bed and seemed to be doing quite well considering her life threatening ordeal. Larry asked her what it was that kept her going. Her response was, "My lord and savior Jesus Christ. Thank you Jesus." You know what, I hear ya loud and clear. I don't really have a problem with thanking mythical beings, if that's your thing.
But they also had the split screen with three Americans. They were the Emergency Medical Technicians and part of a first responder unit that flew to Haiti. They provided details about how they heard knocking sounds, extricated her from piles of debris and then whisked her off for the appropriate medical care. These guys seemed very conscientious and uninterested in the spotlight - the ultimate humanitarians. Plus, heading down to Haiti right now is not the safest proposition, especially when nightfall approaches.
My dilemma was with the woman's constant, continual gratitude expressed toward Jesus. When Larry King asked her if she wanted to say anything to the EMT's, all she could muster was a brief "thank you, but it was the power of Jesus that kept her going until they got there to help me." You see, they were the ones who helped her out, but it was the power of Jesus that saved her life. I get it.
Now I realize that if you've encountered a near death experience, the majority of humans are going to get a little spiritual - even if an atheist like yours truly. Hey, it's whatever works when your life is hanging by a thread, right? This woman just sickened me with her lack of appreciation in the real rescue crew. I think it would have been amusing if one of the responders had been a Muslim and gotten into an argument on live tv. He could have said, "Well Larry, I don't think it was the power of Jesus. Trust me Mr. King, it was the power of Allah that saved her life." Even better, he could have gone on an atheist or agnostic rant. Though, that would take some massive effrontery of biblical proportions.
One day, it's my dream to see some quarterback that just won the Superbowl or some gutsy politician who won an upset election come on live tv and go out of his/her way to make it known that they're not in the habit of thanking imaginary ghosts. Maybe say something like, "I just don't want the viewing public to think I'm crazy or mentally ill. It's just that I don't believe in things like gods, ghosts or goblins." I guess we had Kathy Griffin (the comedian). When she won a Peoples Choice Award, she told Jesus to "suck it." Well, not the greatest moment but at least it's a start.
Arrest Maury Povich
Maury Povich often has these lie detector test shows where they go after cheating men. It's probably his second biggest ratings grabber right behind paternity testing. They keep the formula relatively simple. Here's a hypothetical scenario...
Maury is trying to console a woman named Cupcake who thinks her fiance has had sex with over 20 women. Cupcake has streams of tears rolling down her face. "Maury, I know he's cheatin'. I found sex stains, Maury. SEX STAINS!" Now she's trembling and continues to murmur the phrase "sex stains" under her breath.
Maury looks at her, "Well Cupcake, we gave your fiance T-Bone a lie detector test, but what you don't know is that yesterday, he was in our green room. With the help of our special ops crew, we put him in a room with a sexy decoy." The studio audience begins to hoot and holler, almost like a Tonight Show audience listening to Conan O'Brien rip on NBC. They're all too familiar with what's about to transpire.
Maury rolls the footage and it shows T-Bone (who weighs close to 340 lbs.) being sexually solicited by a Tyra Banks look-a-like. She's asking him what kind of sexual positions he likes the most. T-Bone likes to do it doggy style. The sexy decoy starts riling up the unsuspecting T-Bone, "Ohh, that's my favorite too. Can you show you me how that would work?" T-Bone begins making these ass-slapping gestures and with a Flavor Flavesque voice says, "Yeahhhh Boyyy!"
Then the sexy decoy asks T-Bone if he wants a preview. "Would you like to see them?" as she slowly lifts up her shirt exposing her breasts. T-Bone is on the verge of a diabetic seizure. Anyway, the tv screen splits and they show Cupcake sobbing hysterically, "Maury, we has 3 kids together and he gonna hook up wit dat skank ho?"
Maury is trying to console her, "Cupcake, Cupcake what's wrong Cupcake? Is everything ok? Now Cupcake, you're 7 months pregnant? If I bring T-Bone out here, I don't wanna see you get up in his face. OK Cupcake?"
Just a brief aside, the stranger the guests' name, the more compelled Maury is to repeat it with ever-increasing frequency. This is standard Mauryesque protocol. I'm not trying to play the race card. He'll pull the same shit with white guys. Names like "Tex-Mex" or "Big Daddy."
Anyway, forgive the rambling intro. Here's why I think Maury Povich should be arrested and charged with aiding and abetting an act of prostitution. It's my contention that the "sexy decoy" is basically a prostitute. She's being compensated for exposing herself and trying to administer some limited form of sexual gratification. Just because the lie detector results are being held in abeyance is not a mitigating factor. Can we not logically assume that the production company in charge of financing the show is responsible for her wages. This company, Mo Po Productions, is exclusively owned by host Maury Povich.
I'm on solid ground here. In some cases, the sexy decoy will encourage the man to expose himself and even allow him to rub up against her. This is an act of prostitution. How can this not be against state law and in violation of FCC regulations? Even worse, to the extent Maury has profited, he could be charged with criminal conspiracy and possibly some form of interstate racketeering as his show is disseminated in all 50 states. Fox Network should be held accountable as well for complicity in this whole sordid affair.
He recently switched the location of his show from Manhattan to Stamford, CT. Perhaps, the NYC prosecuting attorney was preparing indictments. This reminds me of when Jerry Springer was hassled by Chicago city legislators for promoting and condoning misdemeanor and felonious assault. Granted, Springer's show was a bit more treacherous, but he ended up being prosecuted in a court of law. I think we should do the same to Maury. He ain't nothin' but a damn pimp! Perhaps the most wealthiest, most famous pimp of them all.
Rudy Guliani is back in the spotlight lately. He's a valued commentator on Fox. He turned the world upside down when he rid New York City of the renegade window shield wiper brigades. Maybe he could renew his law degree in Connecticut and launch an investigation of Maury. He could even get Connie Chung to do some of the dirty investigative work. He would then reveal the results of "Operation Mo Po" on a primetime Fox News Special. Enamored with a return to the spotlight, Guliani would announce a surprise presidential bid for 2012. After he secured the Republican nomination, he would ask Sarah Palin to join his candidacy as the prospective VP. Their catchy campaign slogan "NO MORE MAURY" would swoon the U.S. electorate and vault him to the presidency. At last, the ultimate dream comes true - 3 boobs in the White House.
Maury is trying to console a woman named Cupcake who thinks her fiance has had sex with over 20 women. Cupcake has streams of tears rolling down her face. "Maury, I know he's cheatin'. I found sex stains, Maury. SEX STAINS!" Now she's trembling and continues to murmur the phrase "sex stains" under her breath.
Maury looks at her, "Well Cupcake, we gave your fiance T-Bone a lie detector test, but what you don't know is that yesterday, he was in our green room. With the help of our special ops crew, we put him in a room with a sexy decoy." The studio audience begins to hoot and holler, almost like a Tonight Show audience listening to Conan O'Brien rip on NBC. They're all too familiar with what's about to transpire.
Maury rolls the footage and it shows T-Bone (who weighs close to 340 lbs.) being sexually solicited by a Tyra Banks look-a-like. She's asking him what kind of sexual positions he likes the most. T-Bone likes to do it doggy style. The sexy decoy starts riling up the unsuspecting T-Bone, "Ohh, that's my favorite too. Can you show you me how that would work?" T-Bone begins making these ass-slapping gestures and with a Flavor Flavesque voice says, "Yeahhhh Boyyy!"
Then the sexy decoy asks T-Bone if he wants a preview. "Would you like to see them?" as she slowly lifts up her shirt exposing her breasts. T-Bone is on the verge of a diabetic seizure. Anyway, the tv screen splits and they show Cupcake sobbing hysterically, "Maury, we has 3 kids together and he gonna hook up wit dat skank ho?"
Maury is trying to console her, "Cupcake, Cupcake what's wrong Cupcake? Is everything ok? Now Cupcake, you're 7 months pregnant? If I bring T-Bone out here, I don't wanna see you get up in his face. OK Cupcake?"
Just a brief aside, the stranger the guests' name, the more compelled Maury is to repeat it with ever-increasing frequency. This is standard Mauryesque protocol. I'm not trying to play the race card. He'll pull the same shit with white guys. Names like "Tex-Mex" or "Big Daddy."
Anyway, forgive the rambling intro. Here's why I think Maury Povich should be arrested and charged with aiding and abetting an act of prostitution. It's my contention that the "sexy decoy" is basically a prostitute. She's being compensated for exposing herself and trying to administer some limited form of sexual gratification. Just because the lie detector results are being held in abeyance is not a mitigating factor. Can we not logically assume that the production company in charge of financing the show is responsible for her wages. This company, Mo Po Productions, is exclusively owned by host Maury Povich.
I'm on solid ground here. In some cases, the sexy decoy will encourage the man to expose himself and even allow him to rub up against her. This is an act of prostitution. How can this not be against state law and in violation of FCC regulations? Even worse, to the extent Maury has profited, he could be charged with criminal conspiracy and possibly some form of interstate racketeering as his show is disseminated in all 50 states. Fox Network should be held accountable as well for complicity in this whole sordid affair.
He recently switched the location of his show from Manhattan to Stamford, CT. Perhaps, the NYC prosecuting attorney was preparing indictments. This reminds me of when Jerry Springer was hassled by Chicago city legislators for promoting and condoning misdemeanor and felonious assault. Granted, Springer's show was a bit more treacherous, but he ended up being prosecuted in a court of law. I think we should do the same to Maury. He ain't nothin' but a damn pimp! Perhaps the most wealthiest, most famous pimp of them all.
Rudy Guliani is back in the spotlight lately. He's a valued commentator on Fox. He turned the world upside down when he rid New York City of the renegade window shield wiper brigades. Maybe he could renew his law degree in Connecticut and launch an investigation of Maury. He could even get Connie Chung to do some of the dirty investigative work. He would then reveal the results of "Operation Mo Po" on a primetime Fox News Special. Enamored with a return to the spotlight, Guliani would announce a surprise presidential bid for 2012. After he secured the Republican nomination, he would ask Sarah Palin to join his candidacy as the prospective VP. Their catchy campaign slogan "NO MORE MAURY" would swoon the U.S. electorate and vault him to the presidency. At last, the ultimate dream comes true - 3 boobs in the White House.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
no postage necessary
Although, I don't carry a credit card balance, I am thoroughly disgusted with the major bank bailouts and unscrupulous credit card rate hikes. I've also had enough of the outrageous compensation packages for CEO's that ran their companies into a ditch and were promptly awarded ludicrous severance packages. Aside from refraining from using plastic, what can one person do? Well, here's what I'm going to do.
Today, I'm considering posting the following message as my status update on facebook. Although I can't stand the endless requests to copy and paste these things, I think this one has merit.
If you're disgusted with the federal bank bailouts, unfair credit card rate hikes and outrageous executive compensation packages, here's how to fight back. Anytime these companies mail you an offer, it will have a return envelope that will read "NO POSTAGE NECESSARY IF MAILED IN THE UNITED STATES." Fill it with as much extra newspaper as possible, seal it up and drop it in any mailbox. Feel free to copy and paste this as your status update.
Now, you're saying - Well Saf, if everyone does this, they'll just pass on the added costs in the form of higher overdrafts costs, rising interest rates and endless hidden fees. Well, perhaps they will. However, if everyone did this, there would eventually reach a BREAKING POINT where people would refrain from using the mega-banks like Citigroup, Bank of America, Chase, etc. that utilize these mass mailings. Considering the vast amount of credit card offers everyone gets in the mail, this could be a viable weapon of civil disobedience. Plus, I think it sends a pretty stern message that main street is sick of Wall Street.
The more I think about this idea, the more I'm falling in love with it. What a simple way for the average consumer to express their dissatisfaction with the insurance and bank bailouts. Plus, I've always hated these unsolicited mailings that raise the risk of identity theft. Also, I'm not one who recycles, but I'd be more than happy to make some company like AIG recycle newspaper on my behalf. Kind of a subtle irony there - forcing an insurance conglomerate to act like a bunch of hippie environmentalists. I also like the circular nature of it all. They flood us with wasted paper. Why not flood them back?
Let me work on the exact wording so it's a little more compelling. I could see a message like this spreading like wildfire on Facebook. Trust me, it would spread faster than a chlamydia outbreak at Godfather's on Wheeling Island. I'll post it tomorrow. Sure beats those, "If you really love your cat, clean the piss and shit out of its litter box at least twice a day" copy and paste requests.
And I just thought a little more about my idea. It helps keep the U.S. Postal Service in business. Their profit margins increase based on the uptick in volume. And even though, they're hardly the most efficient and effective branch of the US government - at least they help keep the middle class in this country kicking. Decent jobs with decent benefits.
Fuck the banks and mortgage providers. Fuck the insurance companies. And if you don't like my idea, Fuck you. I'm on a bit of a "blogging tear" thanks to the encouragement of Stacy Del Boca Vista. Place the blame on her.
Today, I'm considering posting the following message as my status update on facebook. Although I can't stand the endless requests to copy and paste these things, I think this one has merit.
If you're disgusted with the federal bank bailouts, unfair credit card rate hikes and outrageous executive compensation packages, here's how to fight back. Anytime these companies mail you an offer, it will have a return envelope that will read "NO POSTAGE NECESSARY IF MAILED IN THE UNITED STATES." Fill it with as much extra newspaper as possible, seal it up and drop it in any mailbox. Feel free to copy and paste this as your status update.
Now, you're saying - Well Saf, if everyone does this, they'll just pass on the added costs in the form of higher overdrafts costs, rising interest rates and endless hidden fees. Well, perhaps they will. However, if everyone did this, there would eventually reach a BREAKING POINT where people would refrain from using the mega-banks like Citigroup, Bank of America, Chase, etc. that utilize these mass mailings. Considering the vast amount of credit card offers everyone gets in the mail, this could be a viable weapon of civil disobedience. Plus, I think it sends a pretty stern message that main street is sick of Wall Street.
The more I think about this idea, the more I'm falling in love with it. What a simple way for the average consumer to express their dissatisfaction with the insurance and bank bailouts. Plus, I've always hated these unsolicited mailings that raise the risk of identity theft. Also, I'm not one who recycles, but I'd be more than happy to make some company like AIG recycle newspaper on my behalf. Kind of a subtle irony there - forcing an insurance conglomerate to act like a bunch of hippie environmentalists. I also like the circular nature of it all. They flood us with wasted paper. Why not flood them back?
Let me work on the exact wording so it's a little more compelling. I could see a message like this spreading like wildfire on Facebook. Trust me, it would spread faster than a chlamydia outbreak at Godfather's on Wheeling Island. I'll post it tomorrow. Sure beats those, "If you really love your cat, clean the piss and shit out of its litter box at least twice a day" copy and paste requests.
And I just thought a little more about my idea. It helps keep the U.S. Postal Service in business. Their profit margins increase based on the uptick in volume. And even though, they're hardly the most efficient and effective branch of the US government - at least they help keep the middle class in this country kicking. Decent jobs with decent benefits.
Fuck the banks and mortgage providers. Fuck the insurance companies. And if you don't like my idea, Fuck you. I'm on a bit of a "blogging tear" thanks to the encouragement of Stacy Del Boca Vista. Place the blame on her.
Out of the woods?
Alright, so if the reports are true, Tiger Woods just checked into a sex rehab clinic. Ohhh, this poor man. His empire is crumbling and the only thing people seem worried about is the crisis in Haiti and that the Senate seat in Massachusetts went Republican. I'm kind of surprised Tiger made it back to the forefront of the news so quickly. After the Haiti disaster, I thought he would be given a "brief exemption" from the front page of the news cycle. Honestly, it makes the major news purveyors look juvenile and a bit pernicious. You're reporting on the mass tragedy and human suffering, and then the next moment a panel is yapping about Woods' sex addiction.
Brit Hume took a shitload of heat a few weeks ago. He made a bold suggestion on one of the early talk shows. When the question was posed, "What should Tiger do?," Hume said, "Well, I believe he's currently a Buddhist, but I think he should convert to Christianity and ask for forgiveness." The instantaneous backlash was brutal. Hume was verbally assaulted from every angle imaginable. How dare he impugn the Buddhist religion. What makes him such an expert on absolution from sin? As a serious journalist, how can he be offering advice on accepting Christ as his lord and savior? Blah.
Here's what's truly crazy. I thought Hume's suggestion was total nonsense and at the same time, utterly brilliant. First, I'll address the nonsense aspect. I've always found it amusing (and very sad), that anyone can commit the most horrific crimes against humanity and somehow be magically cured if he mumbles a few words and gets some holy water splashed on his/her forehead. I'm so glad there was a guy who died for my sins. When my time comes, I'll be sure to mumble the infamous, "I accept J.C. into my left ventricle and portions of my upper aorta line." This way I'll get the free pass to heaven. Suh-weet! Think about it. All those years of not having to attend church every Sunday and pray my ass off. The size of my ass being rather diminutive, it's even more reassuring. All those Steeler games I would have missed. Some of those missed field goals and blown coverages - I should have prayed harder. In retrospect, it might have made no difference. Come to think of it, each NFL team should have a faith healer on their sideline. Considering the FACT that roughly 3/4 the U.S. population believe in the healing power of God, shouldn't there be a faith healer for each team to help with those internal injuries. Well, only things like strained muscles, flu-like symptoms, and pulled groins. After all, healing only works for the internal stuff you can't see. Check out the website "why won't god heal amputees." Just google it - one of the best sites I've ever seen.
Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant. Seriously though, I thought Brit Hume's comments were well within the ballpark. Woods has a near ca-jillion dollar empire and this gives him an instant free pass with most of his major advertisers. And all he has to do is just say, "I'm not a Buddhist anymore. I have become a Christian." Could this be any fucking easier? The vast majority of the U.S. public will just fall in line. "Ohhh, Tiger was a troubled soul, but now he'll be alright. Praise his name."
Technically, I don't even think he would have to say it. He could just have his publicist release a statement. This might work if he's worried about the Buddhist hypocrisy backlash angle. I'd hate to piss off a bunch of Buddhists, but in retrospect, better them than an angry mob of Muslims or Christians. Yeah, I'd have to conclude the Buddhists are more expendable in this regard. Less likely to raise a ruckus, unleash waves of suicide bombers and call upon God to extract vengeance upon thee infidels.
Here's another way he could become a Christian while maintaining a degree of culpable deniability. Tiger seemed to be do fairly well when it came to texting his mistresses. Why not send out a mass text - "Tiger here, I heart Jesus." Then, call the cops and report his phone stolen. BINGO WAS HIS GOD DAMN NAME-O! This is probably the best way. It's the old - I got drunk, wrecked my car, passed out, woke up and called it in stolen routine." Woods totally covers his ass from all the angles. And it's not that tough to get a new phone either. I know the perfect gal who could set him up with one of those 50 dollar a month plans. How's that for a transaction cost savings miracle? Good lord - $600/year to keep your hands on a cool billion. Talk about Econ 101. Possibly the biggest rate of return on an investment ever conceived. I should be the on the morning news circuit. Don't worry Brit, you could fetch me my coffee and doughnuts. I currently drink the Dunkin Donuts medium roast (no cream, no sugar, just black is fine). Skip the doughnuts though, it's all sugar and empty carbs.
Brit Hume took a shitload of heat a few weeks ago. He made a bold suggestion on one of the early talk shows. When the question was posed, "What should Tiger do?," Hume said, "Well, I believe he's currently a Buddhist, but I think he should convert to Christianity and ask for forgiveness." The instantaneous backlash was brutal. Hume was verbally assaulted from every angle imaginable. How dare he impugn the Buddhist religion. What makes him such an expert on absolution from sin? As a serious journalist, how can he be offering advice on accepting Christ as his lord and savior? Blah.
Here's what's truly crazy. I thought Hume's suggestion was total nonsense and at the same time, utterly brilliant. First, I'll address the nonsense aspect. I've always found it amusing (and very sad), that anyone can commit the most horrific crimes against humanity and somehow be magically cured if he mumbles a few words and gets some holy water splashed on his/her forehead. I'm so glad there was a guy who died for my sins. When my time comes, I'll be sure to mumble the infamous, "I accept J.C. into my left ventricle and portions of my upper aorta line." This way I'll get the free pass to heaven. Suh-weet! Think about it. All those years of not having to attend church every Sunday and pray my ass off. The size of my ass being rather diminutive, it's even more reassuring. All those Steeler games I would have missed. Some of those missed field goals and blown coverages - I should have prayed harder. In retrospect, it might have made no difference. Come to think of it, each NFL team should have a faith healer on their sideline. Considering the FACT that roughly 3/4 the U.S. population believe in the healing power of God, shouldn't there be a faith healer for each team to help with those internal injuries. Well, only things like strained muscles, flu-like symptoms, and pulled groins. After all, healing only works for the internal stuff you can't see. Check out the website "why won't god heal amputees." Just google it - one of the best sites I've ever seen.
Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant. Seriously though, I thought Brit Hume's comments were well within the ballpark. Woods has a near ca-jillion dollar empire and this gives him an instant free pass with most of his major advertisers. And all he has to do is just say, "I'm not a Buddhist anymore. I have become a Christian." Could this be any fucking easier? The vast majority of the U.S. public will just fall in line. "Ohhh, Tiger was a troubled soul, but now he'll be alright. Praise his name."
Technically, I don't even think he would have to say it. He could just have his publicist release a statement. This might work if he's worried about the Buddhist hypocrisy backlash angle. I'd hate to piss off a bunch of Buddhists, but in retrospect, better them than an angry mob of Muslims or Christians. Yeah, I'd have to conclude the Buddhists are more expendable in this regard. Less likely to raise a ruckus, unleash waves of suicide bombers and call upon God to extract vengeance upon thee infidels.
Here's another way he could become a Christian while maintaining a degree of culpable deniability. Tiger seemed to be do fairly well when it came to texting his mistresses. Why not send out a mass text - "Tiger here, I heart Jesus." Then, call the cops and report his phone stolen. BINGO WAS HIS GOD DAMN NAME-O! This is probably the best way. It's the old - I got drunk, wrecked my car, passed out, woke up and called it in stolen routine." Woods totally covers his ass from all the angles. And it's not that tough to get a new phone either. I know the perfect gal who could set him up with one of those 50 dollar a month plans. How's that for a transaction cost savings miracle? Good lord - $600/year to keep your hands on a cool billion. Talk about Econ 101. Possibly the biggest rate of return on an investment ever conceived. I should be the on the morning news circuit. Don't worry Brit, you could fetch me my coffee and doughnuts. I currently drink the Dunkin Donuts medium roast (no cream, no sugar, just black is fine). Skip the doughnuts though, it's all sugar and empty carbs.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
some more e
Another paternity test observation to help celebrate the divisional round of the NFL playoffs. I was watching this irate black woman named Tabitha. She was in the process of testing 2 men to determine who was the father of baby Moneesha. Her dilemma is unusual in that she's 100% sure that one of the two is the father. She's screaming, "Maury, I'm one thousand percent sure that one of these losers is the daddy! They had better step up and be a man. How can THEY deny my baby? Moneesha needs to know who her daddy is!"
What's comical about this is evident. Her broken grammar aside, Tabitha is having extreme difficulty assigning pronouns. "I know who my baby daddy is! It's one of them." Honestly, this is some really funny shit. And Tabitha's on an absolute tirade. Screaming, ranting and raving. Her hostility reaches new heights as Maury welcomes the 2 guys from backstage. Neither are particularly enthusiastic to hear the results. Tabitha is flailing madly and screeching, "Let's find out! Let's find out! Let's find out! Let's find out!" She yelled it five times in a blitzkrieg fashion that would make even the likes of Don Rumsfeld proud. Maury reads the results and sure enough, the second guy is the father. I'm just relieved that Tabitha's journey is over.
Obviously, there's plenty of occasions where women come on the stage and are 1,000 % or 5 million % sure they know who the father is. Lamentably, it takes 5 or 6 return visits. Their guarantees aren't really that amusing. Tabitha's was different though. She broke new ground in assuring the viewing public. She laid out the terms and the unique framework. I will say one thing. We found out! We found out! We found out!
What's comical about this is evident. Her broken grammar aside, Tabitha is having extreme difficulty assigning pronouns. "I know who my baby daddy is! It's one of them." Honestly, this is some really funny shit. And Tabitha's on an absolute tirade. Screaming, ranting and raving. Her hostility reaches new heights as Maury welcomes the 2 guys from backstage. Neither are particularly enthusiastic to hear the results. Tabitha is flailing madly and screeching, "Let's find out! Let's find out! Let's find out! Let's find out!" She yelled it five times in a blitzkrieg fashion that would make even the likes of Don Rumsfeld proud. Maury reads the results and sure enough, the second guy is the father. I'm just relieved that Tabitha's journey is over.
Obviously, there's plenty of occasions where women come on the stage and are 1,000 % or 5 million % sure they know who the father is. Lamentably, it takes 5 or 6 return visits. Their guarantees aren't really that amusing. Tabitha's was different though. She broke new ground in assuring the viewing public. She laid out the terms and the unique framework. I will say one thing. We found out! We found out! We found out!
Friday, January 15, 2010
More E
Most people know that I'm a huge fan Maury Povich paternity testing. Always having been a keen observer of the human condition, I just find this raw-based drama intriguing. I also enjoy how they condense everything into 5-6 minute intervals. This way you get the instant gratification.
I can already hear the complaints. "Oh Saf, you probably hope they're all "not the father" and hope the woman have to test more than 10 men. Not even remotely true. While I do like the women who come on and are 1 million percent positive they know who the daddy is only to be sadly mistaken, that's not really my angle. Remember, I'm a connoisseur of the more subtle moments. Sometimes, it's the little things that go unnoticed. Allow me to elaborate on some of these superior anecdotes. I'll touch on a few specific incidents and then reveal the conceptual nature of what I like to call the "Maury progression."
I'll start it off with a true shining moment from the early days of Maury. I'd like to think this kind of set the stage for great things to come. Maury's haunting intro...
"One night LaRhonda met James at a party. Later that night, they fell in love. Well guess what. After that night, LaRhonda claims that James abandoned her. And then 1 month later, LaRhonda finds out she's pregnant with her baby girl "Jamelia."
On the screen, they flash a smiling 5 month old baby girl with massive pink loop earrings and a onesie outfit that predictably reads "DADDY'S GIRL."
Anyway, LaRhonda has the studio crowd amped up. She's demanding pampers and wipes. James needs to step up and be a father. James emerges from backstage to a chorus of deafening boos. James is equally adamant, "I ain't the daddy! Yous a hood rat! Holla! Holla!" The place is going nuts. Maury confidently stands up and retrieves the sacred envelope. He opens it and reads, "When it comes to 5 month old baby Jamelia; James, you are NOT the father."
LaRhonda runs off the stage screaming and James takes off into the audience doing a variety of calisthenics and giving out a series of high fives. Then, the moment of truth - James runs backstage. At this moment, I'm expecting a taunting barrage of "I told you so's." Not going to happen. James completely ignores the sobbing LaRhonda and runs toward an elderly white janitor. Then, in one swift motion, he grabs a mop from the old man's frail grip and begins to spiritedly mop the backstage area! A rare, unprecedented exhibition of janitorial excellence after a tumultuous paternity situation deserves recognition. James, much like 9/11. We will never forget.
Another one of my favorite "not the father" moments was when a white married couple from rural Georgia were on the show. I'm not sure of the names, but we'll call them Tex and Trisha. Well, they met at church bingo and fell in love. They flash the wedding picture and it's painfully obvious that she's about 8 months pregnant. Maury is beaming. But here's the problem. Let's take a look at their baby Houston. Baby Houston's pic shows up on the screen amidst the heckling and jeers of the audience. The baby is obviously mixed. Now Tex weighs about 280 lbs and has red hair and freckles. Tex's complexion borders on alabaster with a hint of eggshell albino. So he probably has a valid point. "Maury, I don't make black babies."
But here's the interesting twist. Tex doesn't seem angry, just sad and confused. He's blubbering all over the place. Trish reassuringly tells Tex she loves him about 6 times in a row. And here's Maury with the result, "Tex, you are not the father." Tex's heart is ripped to shreds. He hits the floor as Trish tries to comfort him. She's trying to embrace him but her bony arms are basically strangling the poor slob in a UFC chokehold gone awry. Still weeping uncontrollably, Tex gets to his feet and says to Maury...
"Maury, anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a daddy. I don't care if I'm not that baby's daddy, because that baby's mine. I'm his daddy. I change his diapers. I'm Houston's daddy, Maury. He might not be mine, but I wanna see my son! Maury, where's my son?" I'm thinking to myself - what the fuck? Tex makes no sense at all.
They bring out the baby and Tex embraces him and Trish. Then, Maury wraps his arms around all 3 of them. But what can we gain from Tex's cryptic, blubbering comments? It's my contention that Tex already knew his fate. Somewhere in the back of his rednecked brain, he had already deduced that he was not the biological father. Then, he mentally prepared himself and had a premeditated response for when he was told that he wasn't the father. But when the moment of truth came, his comments were all disjointed and confusing. Personally, it was during that instant, I fell in love with Tex. You wouldn't think that him and I would bond via the satellite waves, but it happened.
This post is making me realize that I have an abundance of Maury Povich observations. Technically, they're called MoPo's. MoPo is the ingenious name for his production company. I just might make this an ongoing theme for a few more posts.
Here are 2 novel ideas for future paternity shows. Block off the backstage area. It's way to easy to run off the stage screaming in a fit of despair. Then, these women always seem to find the couch where they can bury their head. This robs me and the entire viewing public of the best part. I want to see the tears. On several occasions, I've noticed that the women really aren't crying at all. They just bury their head and scream., "NO!, NO!, It's not right! Maury, that can't be right!, NO! NO!
My solution to the problem - when you block of the easy backstage retreat, you're only left with 3 viable options...
A. Seek comfort from the man in question (not likely, since he's busy dancing and performing urban gymnastics).
B. Seek comfort form Maury. This is the more likely avenue because she can bury her face in his sympathetic shoulder.
C. Or, and this is my personal favorite, be forced to seek comfort and solace from a random stranger in the studio audience. Preferably a large black woman. She would be forced to wander through the aisle until this mythical woman named Hazel appeared. Hazel would embrace her and say, "Don't worry girl. I'm gonna help you raise that baby. Hazel gonna make everything alright. Shhhh. Shhhh. It's ok."
My other thought for today involves the "Maury progression." There's one thing that has become painfully obvious with these paternity shows. Hypothetically, let's say there are 3 guys (most likely they're brothers, or at the very least, cousins) on stage waiting to hear the results. We can definitively make the following assessment. The first 2 will NOT be the father. The third guy will either be the dad or none of them will. So the second Maury mentions the first two guys, they should be instantly relieved or heartbroken (depending on their desired outcome)? Maury's not going to announce who the father is right off the bat. That would destroy his whole game plan of trying to heighten the level of excitement/tension as he runs through the progression. It's the equivalent of celebrating your arrival at base camp when you climb Mt. Everest. Makes no sense. So obviously here's the lesson, the second Maury chooses your name first, you can prematurely jump for joy or collapse in misery. Why sweat it? It's not like Maury is suddenly going to break with this sensible time honored tradition.
I'll have more on this crapulence in the future. Honestly, I've always wanted to put this shit down.
I can already hear the complaints. "Oh Saf, you probably hope they're all "not the father" and hope the woman have to test more than 10 men. Not even remotely true. While I do like the women who come on and are 1 million percent positive they know who the daddy is only to be sadly mistaken, that's not really my angle. Remember, I'm a connoisseur of the more subtle moments. Sometimes, it's the little things that go unnoticed. Allow me to elaborate on some of these superior anecdotes. I'll touch on a few specific incidents and then reveal the conceptual nature of what I like to call the "Maury progression."
I'll start it off with a true shining moment from the early days of Maury. I'd like to think this kind of set the stage for great things to come. Maury's haunting intro...
"One night LaRhonda met James at a party. Later that night, they fell in love. Well guess what. After that night, LaRhonda claims that James abandoned her. And then 1 month later, LaRhonda finds out she's pregnant with her baby girl "Jamelia."
On the screen, they flash a smiling 5 month old baby girl with massive pink loop earrings and a onesie outfit that predictably reads "DADDY'S GIRL."
Anyway, LaRhonda has the studio crowd amped up. She's demanding pampers and wipes. James needs to step up and be a father. James emerges from backstage to a chorus of deafening boos. James is equally adamant, "I ain't the daddy! Yous a hood rat! Holla! Holla!" The place is going nuts. Maury confidently stands up and retrieves the sacred envelope. He opens it and reads, "When it comes to 5 month old baby Jamelia; James, you are NOT the father."
LaRhonda runs off the stage screaming and James takes off into the audience doing a variety of calisthenics and giving out a series of high fives. Then, the moment of truth - James runs backstage. At this moment, I'm expecting a taunting barrage of "I told you so's." Not going to happen. James completely ignores the sobbing LaRhonda and runs toward an elderly white janitor. Then, in one swift motion, he grabs a mop from the old man's frail grip and begins to spiritedly mop the backstage area! A rare, unprecedented exhibition of janitorial excellence after a tumultuous paternity situation deserves recognition. James, much like 9/11. We will never forget.
Another one of my favorite "not the father" moments was when a white married couple from rural Georgia were on the show. I'm not sure of the names, but we'll call them Tex and Trisha. Well, they met at church bingo and fell in love. They flash the wedding picture and it's painfully obvious that she's about 8 months pregnant. Maury is beaming. But here's the problem. Let's take a look at their baby Houston. Baby Houston's pic shows up on the screen amidst the heckling and jeers of the audience. The baby is obviously mixed. Now Tex weighs about 280 lbs and has red hair and freckles. Tex's complexion borders on alabaster with a hint of eggshell albino. So he probably has a valid point. "Maury, I don't make black babies."
But here's the interesting twist. Tex doesn't seem angry, just sad and confused. He's blubbering all over the place. Trish reassuringly tells Tex she loves him about 6 times in a row. And here's Maury with the result, "Tex, you are not the father." Tex's heart is ripped to shreds. He hits the floor as Trish tries to comfort him. She's trying to embrace him but her bony arms are basically strangling the poor slob in a UFC chokehold gone awry. Still weeping uncontrollably, Tex gets to his feet and says to Maury...
"Maury, anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a daddy. I don't care if I'm not that baby's daddy, because that baby's mine. I'm his daddy. I change his diapers. I'm Houston's daddy, Maury. He might not be mine, but I wanna see my son! Maury, where's my son?" I'm thinking to myself - what the fuck? Tex makes no sense at all.
They bring out the baby and Tex embraces him and Trish. Then, Maury wraps his arms around all 3 of them. But what can we gain from Tex's cryptic, blubbering comments? It's my contention that Tex already knew his fate. Somewhere in the back of his rednecked brain, he had already deduced that he was not the biological father. Then, he mentally prepared himself and had a premeditated response for when he was told that he wasn't the father. But when the moment of truth came, his comments were all disjointed and confusing. Personally, it was during that instant, I fell in love with Tex. You wouldn't think that him and I would bond via the satellite waves, but it happened.
This post is making me realize that I have an abundance of Maury Povich observations. Technically, they're called MoPo's. MoPo is the ingenious name for his production company. I just might make this an ongoing theme for a few more posts.
Here are 2 novel ideas for future paternity shows. Block off the backstage area. It's way to easy to run off the stage screaming in a fit of despair. Then, these women always seem to find the couch where they can bury their head. This robs me and the entire viewing public of the best part. I want to see the tears. On several occasions, I've noticed that the women really aren't crying at all. They just bury their head and scream., "NO!, NO!, It's not right! Maury, that can't be right!, NO! NO!
My solution to the problem - when you block of the easy backstage retreat, you're only left with 3 viable options...
A. Seek comfort from the man in question (not likely, since he's busy dancing and performing urban gymnastics).
B. Seek comfort form Maury. This is the more likely avenue because she can bury her face in his sympathetic shoulder.
C. Or, and this is my personal favorite, be forced to seek comfort and solace from a random stranger in the studio audience. Preferably a large black woman. She would be forced to wander through the aisle until this mythical woman named Hazel appeared. Hazel would embrace her and say, "Don't worry girl. I'm gonna help you raise that baby. Hazel gonna make everything alright. Shhhh. Shhhh. It's ok."
My other thought for today involves the "Maury progression." There's one thing that has become painfully obvious with these paternity shows. Hypothetically, let's say there are 3 guys (most likely they're brothers, or at the very least, cousins) on stage waiting to hear the results. We can definitively make the following assessment. The first 2 will NOT be the father. The third guy will either be the dad or none of them will. So the second Maury mentions the first two guys, they should be instantly relieved or heartbroken (depending on their desired outcome)? Maury's not going to announce who the father is right off the bat. That would destroy his whole game plan of trying to heighten the level of excitement/tension as he runs through the progression. It's the equivalent of celebrating your arrival at base camp when you climb Mt. Everest. Makes no sense. So obviously here's the lesson, the second Maury chooses your name first, you can prematurely jump for joy or collapse in misery. Why sweat it? It's not like Maury is suddenly going to break with this sensible time honored tradition.
I'll have more on this crapulence in the future. Honestly, I've always wanted to put this shit down.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Fox news?
Estimates of the casualty toll in the Haiti earthquake are all over the place. Anywhere from 30,000 to 500,000 in a country of about 10 million. I can't even fathom the immense human suffering and what will transpire in the aftermath. Americans really just don't have the ability to discern what constitutes human misery on a massive scale. We're still stuck on Hurricane Katrina and the wintry cold spell that gripped the midwest.
Pat Robertson's comments struck me as completely twisted. He claimed the citizens of Haiti struck a "deal with the devil" and that is why their country has been repeatedly victimized by hurricanes, natural disasters and continual poverty. Obviously, their voodoo worship is the reason god has decided to punish them. But then why the fuck is he encouraging his followers to donate money to the Haitian relief fund? Wouldn't that be the equivalent of assisting the followers of satan?
Rush Limbaugh's comments were even more predictable. He opted to rip apart Obama for his speedy desire to help people of color as a means to cement his popularity with African American voters. Then, he lambasted Obama for not addressing the Amsterdam/Detroit attempted terrorist attack as quickly. That's like tying the 2001 Anthrax attacks to the Indonesian tsunami.
But here is what I found most fascinating as I flipped through the news channels seeking coverage of the earthquake. Fox chose to barely mention it. While CNN and MSNBC were totally committed to this natural disaster of epic proportions, Fox "News" barely even mentioned it. They just ran tag lines at the bottom of the screen. How can they call themselves a "news" channel if they fail to report on the biggest story on the planet.
Instead, they chose to air an entire hour of Glenn Beck interviewing Sarah Palin. She was happy to share her earth-shattering views about how we live in the greatest country in the world and how she doesn't understand why the current leadership wants to be more like Europe. Then, she rehashed her views about the 2008 presidential campaign and how we need to reign in government spending. Next up, she went after Obama on national security. For the love of Christ...
Right now, Hannity is talking about the political races in Massachusetts and who will eventually replace Sen. Ted Kennedy. He's also spewing rants about socialized health care and more bank bailouts.
I hate to sound cynical, but there's only one logical conclusion. The producers of Fox News have made a voluntary decision that their viewers probably don't really care much about the human suffering in Haiti. Could it be racially motivated? I doubt it. I'm guessing they figure that the other major news outlets have it sufficiently covered. Therefore, let's just stick with Sarah Palin interview. After all, she's our future bread and butter.
For Fox to seriously portray itself a news outlet and not even remotely provide minimal coverage on a cataclysmic tragedy of this magnitude is beyond belief. I'm not even talking about the notion of "fair and balanced." I'm just talking about what constitutes "news" itself. Even right now, there's a panel bitching about Harry Reid. Unbelievable.
Pat Robertson's comments struck me as completely twisted. He claimed the citizens of Haiti struck a "deal with the devil" and that is why their country has been repeatedly victimized by hurricanes, natural disasters and continual poverty. Obviously, their voodoo worship is the reason god has decided to punish them. But then why the fuck is he encouraging his followers to donate money to the Haitian relief fund? Wouldn't that be the equivalent of assisting the followers of satan?
Rush Limbaugh's comments were even more predictable. He opted to rip apart Obama for his speedy desire to help people of color as a means to cement his popularity with African American voters. Then, he lambasted Obama for not addressing the Amsterdam/Detroit attempted terrorist attack as quickly. That's like tying the 2001 Anthrax attacks to the Indonesian tsunami.
But here is what I found most fascinating as I flipped through the news channels seeking coverage of the earthquake. Fox chose to barely mention it. While CNN and MSNBC were totally committed to this natural disaster of epic proportions, Fox "News" barely even mentioned it. They just ran tag lines at the bottom of the screen. How can they call themselves a "news" channel if they fail to report on the biggest story on the planet.
Instead, they chose to air an entire hour of Glenn Beck interviewing Sarah Palin. She was happy to share her earth-shattering views about how we live in the greatest country in the world and how she doesn't understand why the current leadership wants to be more like Europe. Then, she rehashed her views about the 2008 presidential campaign and how we need to reign in government spending. Next up, she went after Obama on national security. For the love of Christ...
Right now, Hannity is talking about the political races in Massachusetts and who will eventually replace Sen. Ted Kennedy. He's also spewing rants about socialized health care and more bank bailouts.
I hate to sound cynical, but there's only one logical conclusion. The producers of Fox News have made a voluntary decision that their viewers probably don't really care much about the human suffering in Haiti. Could it be racially motivated? I doubt it. I'm guessing they figure that the other major news outlets have it sufficiently covered. Therefore, let's just stick with Sarah Palin interview. After all, she's our future bread and butter.
For Fox to seriously portray itself a news outlet and not even remotely provide minimal coverage on a cataclysmic tragedy of this magnitude is beyond belief. I'm not even talking about the notion of "fair and balanced." I'm just talking about what constitutes "news" itself. Even right now, there's a panel bitching about Harry Reid. Unbelievable.
Monday, January 04, 2010
Dallas Cowboys
I often speak of my putrid disgust for the Dallas Cowboys franchise. What specifically bothers me? Well, it's a combination of several factors. I never cared for the "America's Team" label. Kind of an obnoxious precedent. They seem to derive pleasure from being a microcosm for the massive ego of the U.S. citizenry. I think the star logo exudes this "I'm a superstar" vibe.
And although the connection is admittedly weak, I truly despise restaurants modeled after the Texas steakhouse concept. A pimpled pipsqueak waiter approaches the table with an over sized cowboy hat, scribbling his name on the paper toweled table, he nervously looks at me and inquires, "Howdy, my name's Chet. What can I do you for?" As I'm about to reply, some loud fat kid a few tables over yells at his mom, "I wanna hot fudge sundae!" Then, the obese punk flicks a peanut shell that hits my shoe. All of a sudden, the Honky Tonk Ba-Donk-A-Donk song starts blaring and a sea of line-dancers spontaneously takes the stage. What the fuck is this? Then, my worst fears materialize as I peruse the menu. "The Greatest Steak in the World" is on special so I'll probably get that. It comes with "the biggest buttery baked potato" and the "you'll go koo koo for our korn on the kob." They don't even try to make the names interesting. Just dumb it down to levels previously unknown. Suffice to say, they make the food that I git to eat it.
Most know I'm a stadium fanatic. I love the concept of mammoth human gatherings. I even find the mega-church concept intriguing. How's that for irony? My fascination with coordinated throngs supersedes my contempt for organized religion. But the new Cowboys Stadium? It's so over-the-top, I find it revolting. They constructed a hanging widescreen so large, that a punter can hit it. The unprecedented desire to make the world's biggest flatscreen resulted in a threat to the integrity of the game. But hey, everything's bigger in Texas, right? Perhaps these jerks need a reality check. Honestly, I think Dallas ownership would reap great pride in constructing the world's largest dildo. Just maybe there's a downside. Bigger is NOT always better. There's no acknowledgment of the law of diminishing marginal utility. This is Dallas, Texas. Things like that don't apply here.
Cowboys owner Jerry Jones makes me physically nauseous. His face has been so heavily botoxed. It kind of resembles the smoothness of a mango I just saw at Jebbia's. And it has the bland hue of a turnip. But it's the fact that he always goes rushing down to the sidelines when the game is on the line. Apparently, he thinks his players "need" his encouragement. Screw the coaching staff and their assistants. Those morons don't know what they're doing. I'm the one who signs their paychecks. I know what's best. As if the millionaire thugs on the sideline really give a damn about Jerry Jones and his perception of Lawrence Welk/Liberace opulence.
This brings me to my prediction. Dallas is notorious for folding down the stretch in the playoffs. It's one of the few things I really look forward to once a year come playoff time. Usually, the blame falls on their QB Tony Homo. Here's what I hope happens this year. Dallas beats Philly in the wildcard round and advances to play at Minnesota in the divisional round - a plausible scenario so far. Alright, it's late in the 4th quarter. For those of you who don't know, the Cowboys have been besieged with kicking problems this year. They got rid of Nick Folk and brought in placekicker Shaun Suisham. He's accurate but not a very long kicker. So as I said, the clock is winding down and Dallas has driven to the 10 yard line with 4 seconds left. They're down by 1 point and a field goal cinches the win. All of a sudden, a minor controversy about how much time is left on the game clock emerges. Wade Phillips (the coach) is calmly trying to get things right with officials. All of a sudden, Jerry Jones charges the field and pushes the ref. As his monster players force him to the sideline, the ref throws a personal flag foul for making contact with the official. But wait, there's more. Another ref threw a flag for him being on the field in the first place. That's TWO personal fouls with 4 seconds left. All of a sudden, what once was a gimme 10 yarder becomes a 40 yarder (+ the 12 extra yards). Now that poor, just recently signed kicker is staring down a 52 yard. Jerry Jones is still bitching up a storm on the sidelines. One of the lineman, pro bowler Flozell Adam has taken matters into his own hands. He has immobilized Jones by sitting on him.
The Cowboys snap the ball, the kick is up, right down the middle and it falls a yard short. The Vikings players storm the field as the crowd at the Hubert Humphrey Metrodome goes wild. The next day, Jerry Jones calls a press conference and fires head coach Wade Phillips. He then explains to the press how they're going to be looking for a long kicker since they've had special teams problems all year. From this day forth, the entire Cowboys organization is viewed as the biggest joke in the NFL. But hey, at least they've got the biggest stadium. Right on! How about 'dem Cowboys?
Jerry Jones eventually decides that he's the best candidate for head coach. He takes over the reigns of the entire organization (GM & head coach). Dallas posts consecutive 0-16 seasons and the stadium becomes accustomed to attendance figures hovering around the 30,000 mark. Dare to dream. Dare to dream.
And although the connection is admittedly weak, I truly despise restaurants modeled after the Texas steakhouse concept. A pimpled pipsqueak waiter approaches the table with an over sized cowboy hat, scribbling his name on the paper toweled table, he nervously looks at me and inquires, "Howdy, my name's Chet. What can I do you for?" As I'm about to reply, some loud fat kid a few tables over yells at his mom, "I wanna hot fudge sundae!" Then, the obese punk flicks a peanut shell that hits my shoe. All of a sudden, the Honky Tonk Ba-Donk-A-Donk song starts blaring and a sea of line-dancers spontaneously takes the stage. What the fuck is this? Then, my worst fears materialize as I peruse the menu. "The Greatest Steak in the World" is on special so I'll probably get that. It comes with "the biggest buttery baked potato" and the "you'll go koo koo for our korn on the kob." They don't even try to make the names interesting. Just dumb it down to levels previously unknown. Suffice to say, they make the food that I git to eat it.
Most know I'm a stadium fanatic. I love the concept of mammoth human gatherings. I even find the mega-church concept intriguing. How's that for irony? My fascination with coordinated throngs supersedes my contempt for organized religion. But the new Cowboys Stadium? It's so over-the-top, I find it revolting. They constructed a hanging widescreen so large, that a punter can hit it. The unprecedented desire to make the world's biggest flatscreen resulted in a threat to the integrity of the game. But hey, everything's bigger in Texas, right? Perhaps these jerks need a reality check. Honestly, I think Dallas ownership would reap great pride in constructing the world's largest dildo. Just maybe there's a downside. Bigger is NOT always better. There's no acknowledgment of the law of diminishing marginal utility. This is Dallas, Texas. Things like that don't apply here.
Cowboys owner Jerry Jones makes me physically nauseous. His face has been so heavily botoxed. It kind of resembles the smoothness of a mango I just saw at Jebbia's. And it has the bland hue of a turnip. But it's the fact that he always goes rushing down to the sidelines when the game is on the line. Apparently, he thinks his players "need" his encouragement. Screw the coaching staff and their assistants. Those morons don't know what they're doing. I'm the one who signs their paychecks. I know what's best. As if the millionaire thugs on the sideline really give a damn about Jerry Jones and his perception of Lawrence Welk/Liberace opulence.
This brings me to my prediction. Dallas is notorious for folding down the stretch in the playoffs. It's one of the few things I really look forward to once a year come playoff time. Usually, the blame falls on their QB Tony Homo. Here's what I hope happens this year. Dallas beats Philly in the wildcard round and advances to play at Minnesota in the divisional round - a plausible scenario so far. Alright, it's late in the 4th quarter. For those of you who don't know, the Cowboys have been besieged with kicking problems this year. They got rid of Nick Folk and brought in placekicker Shaun Suisham. He's accurate but not a very long kicker. So as I said, the clock is winding down and Dallas has driven to the 10 yard line with 4 seconds left. They're down by 1 point and a field goal cinches the win. All of a sudden, a minor controversy about how much time is left on the game clock emerges. Wade Phillips (the coach) is calmly trying to get things right with officials. All of a sudden, Jerry Jones charges the field and pushes the ref. As his monster players force him to the sideline, the ref throws a personal flag foul for making contact with the official. But wait, there's more. Another ref threw a flag for him being on the field in the first place. That's TWO personal fouls with 4 seconds left. All of a sudden, what once was a gimme 10 yarder becomes a 40 yarder (+ the 12 extra yards). Now that poor, just recently signed kicker is staring down a 52 yard. Jerry Jones is still bitching up a storm on the sidelines. One of the lineman, pro bowler Flozell Adam has taken matters into his own hands. He has immobilized Jones by sitting on him.
The Cowboys snap the ball, the kick is up, right down the middle and it falls a yard short. The Vikings players storm the field as the crowd at the Hubert Humphrey Metrodome goes wild. The next day, Jerry Jones calls a press conference and fires head coach Wade Phillips. He then explains to the press how they're going to be looking for a long kicker since they've had special teams problems all year. From this day forth, the entire Cowboys organization is viewed as the biggest joke in the NFL. But hey, at least they've got the biggest stadium. Right on! How about 'dem Cowboys?
Jerry Jones eventually decides that he's the best candidate for head coach. He takes over the reigns of the entire organization (GM & head coach). Dallas posts consecutive 0-16 seasons and the stadium becomes accustomed to attendance figures hovering around the 30,000 mark. Dare to dream. Dare to dream.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
poem
My father recently assembled a vast collection of some of his best poetry. He mailed it out to friends and family members. It's 150 or so of his best works - very impressive to say the least. I felt it was necessary to offer a response so I mailed him a poem of my own.
This poem is mostly inside family humor so it might not make much sense to a casual observer of my blog. Nonetheless...
HEY, THIS COULD BE TERSE
I recently received, a voluminous collection
truly astonished, I read through each selection
An assortment of work, so colorful and fantastic
must be acknowledged, with something equally bombastic
And while I'm sure, I'll never achieve such notoriety and fame
I'll give it a try, during a Steelers/Ravens football game
Odd that I'd quote the Ravens or the works of Edgar Allen Poe
as one of your weaker entries, was about a plumber named Joe
Kidding aside, your skills are truly uncanny
incredibly witty, was the poem about Ranney
Last name Ranney, first name Shane
your sarcasm was evident, customarily difficult to feign
Another observation, take it for what it's worth
is regarding the Wall Street Weeklings, they will NOT inherit the earth
Perhaps the round table of investors, was admittedly meek
you needed a financial adviser, whose input wasn't nearly as weak
As I delved deeper, I became really immersed
good thing I'm not spiritual, or I'd truly feel cursed
How about that woman, who just assaulted the pope
could have been high, possibly drugged out or on dope
Maybe she concluded, that after all these years she'd been tricked
by organized religion, pedophile priests and/or Pope Benedict
Cuz after all, one egg is sufficient, in a salad named Caesar
that's a lot of cholesterol, for a non-retired geezer
Do you hear what I'm sayin? Do you know what I mean?
she was probably familiar, with the works of Doc Saferstein
And though her actions were callous
I cannot view her with malice
Hell, I'd take a shot too
one swift push, from this atheist Jew
But to assault that old churchie? I'd prefer just to mock
let us freely admit, I'm just a knock off the old block
The son of a poetic dermatologist
probably wiser, than a cilantro herbalogist
I think at this time, let's do an "about face"
Not the war or Korea, just simply a change of pace
One of my favorite poems was about Thelma, not Louise
although that cat's less exciting, it brought me to my knees
It must have been the scheme and rhyming perchance
you stole the whole damn thing, from the Pirates of Penzance
You're probably thinking, that sounds harsh and a bit crass
but I'd be willing to bet, G & S would've given you a pass
I must admit there was a time, when I thought your brain had turned to mush
but I was quickly set straight, after reading your observations on Bush
But I've come to the conclusion, that my poem was better
so I gave you an additional copy, it's enclosed in this letter
You know my routine, it's all just mere fibbing
cuz from time to time, we all need a light ribbing
Your being my father, comes with a great side feature
that every once in a while, "student become teacher" *
My only wish, is that I could be nearly as prolific
with an arsenal of poems, that range from poignant to horrific
Love, Eric
* taken from the absolutely atrocious movie Karate Kid Part II.
PS
If anything written, has given you even the slightest offense
Well tough shit! It's called Saferstein, poetic license
This poem is mostly inside family humor so it might not make much sense to a casual observer of my blog. Nonetheless...
HEY, THIS COULD BE TERSE
I recently received, a voluminous collection
truly astonished, I read through each selection
An assortment of work, so colorful and fantastic
must be acknowledged, with something equally bombastic
And while I'm sure, I'll never achieve such notoriety and fame
I'll give it a try, during a Steelers/Ravens football game
Odd that I'd quote the Ravens or the works of Edgar Allen Poe
as one of your weaker entries, was about a plumber named Joe
Kidding aside, your skills are truly uncanny
incredibly witty, was the poem about Ranney
Last name Ranney, first name Shane
your sarcasm was evident, customarily difficult to feign
Another observation, take it for what it's worth
is regarding the Wall Street Weeklings, they will NOT inherit the earth
Perhaps the round table of investors, was admittedly meek
you needed a financial adviser, whose input wasn't nearly as weak
As I delved deeper, I became really immersed
good thing I'm not spiritual, or I'd truly feel cursed
How about that woman, who just assaulted the pope
could have been high, possibly drugged out or on dope
Maybe she concluded, that after all these years she'd been tricked
by organized religion, pedophile priests and/or Pope Benedict
Cuz after all, one egg is sufficient, in a salad named Caesar
that's a lot of cholesterol, for a non-retired geezer
Do you hear what I'm sayin? Do you know what I mean?
she was probably familiar, with the works of Doc Saferstein
And though her actions were callous
I cannot view her with malice
Hell, I'd take a shot too
one swift push, from this atheist Jew
But to assault that old churchie? I'd prefer just to mock
let us freely admit, I'm just a knock off the old block
The son of a poetic dermatologist
probably wiser, than a cilantro herbalogist
I think at this time, let's do an "about face"
Not the war or Korea, just simply a change of pace
One of my favorite poems was about Thelma, not Louise
although that cat's less exciting, it brought me to my knees
It must have been the scheme and rhyming perchance
you stole the whole damn thing, from the Pirates of Penzance
You're probably thinking, that sounds harsh and a bit crass
but I'd be willing to bet, G & S would've given you a pass
I must admit there was a time, when I thought your brain had turned to mush
but I was quickly set straight, after reading your observations on Bush
But I've come to the conclusion, that my poem was better
so I gave you an additional copy, it's enclosed in this letter
You know my routine, it's all just mere fibbing
cuz from time to time, we all need a light ribbing
Your being my father, comes with a great side feature
that every once in a while, "student become teacher" *
My only wish, is that I could be nearly as prolific
with an arsenal of poems, that range from poignant to horrific
Love, Eric
* taken from the absolutely atrocious movie Karate Kid Part II.
PS
If anything written, has given you even the slightest offense
Well tough shit! It's called Saferstein, poetic license
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
new t-shirt
I've been burning the midnight oil! That's right, the creative juices have been flowing. And here is the unfortunate byproduct of "Saf's juices."
Time to unveil the prototype info for this years new Top 10 T-shirt. Actually, it's going to be the first ever Top 20. I've still got some finishing touches but here we go...
TOP 20
ILLEGAL BEVERAGES
IN WHEELING, WV
Sex on the Beech Bottom
Less filling. Tastes like ass. Finish off with a dash of cum.
Martini Ferry
Dry? - just add soot. Sweet? - just add piss.
For a traditional Martini Ferry - just add shit.
Moondogshine
I finally found the ride of a lifetime...
Funky Cold Adena
I don't fool around with no Oscar Meyer Wiener
You must be sure that your girl is pure for the Funky Cold Adena
Wheeling Island Iced Tea
Equal parts crackhead, drunk, hooker and elderly degenerate gambler.
Splash of cat urine for added color.
Bombay Safire Gin & Tonic
Who the fuck made this shirt? Stick a lime up his ass!
Route 7 & 7
From the purgatory of Powhatan to the bowels of Brilliant.
Hare of the Dog
A Krishna Klassic.
1 part patchouli, 1 part crickwater and 4 parts stank.
Garnish w/ a doobie.
Rusty Nailer
This drink sucks. It ain't even minor league. It's bush league.
Elm Grove Dodge Car Bomb
Ka-Boom! It blows up the second you leave the lot.
19th Ho-Jito
All the sugar in Cuba won't sweeten up that Ho
I-470 Bypass
Do not stop in Wheeling. Do not pass go. Go directly to HELL.
Mint Jewitt
The melting pot of Ohio. Celebrate religious diversity.
Rum and Coke Plant
This drink is longer in existence. It has been officially shut down.
Proctor Colada
Drink it the night before your colonoscopy. Mmmm. Enjoy!
East Wheeling Unabomber
Hit dat crack, hold yo head back and slam dat Cisco!
Little Washington Apple
just ask Kara...
Bell-Dirty Martini
Use the only cheapest Vodka from Rite-Aid.
Garnish with a generous chunk of olive loaf.
The Oglebay Countdown
Only the rich folk - 3... 2... Kettle 1 (Not for residents of Oglebay Village Apts.)
If you have any ideas, feel free to comment. It's still a work in progress. There's a few I'm not too happy with. I want to touch on the "churchie/prayer" angle - perhaps a drink called the Chrisagis Brothers, B.E. Taylor or something of that ilk. Maybe the Festival of Lights or the Ogden 20K. How about McCulloch's Leap? I'm very open to prudent, albeit crude observations.
I honestly think this one could be better than the Wheeling Sex Moves shirt. Well maybe not that good, but it has potential.
Time to unveil the prototype info for this years new Top 10 T-shirt. Actually, it's going to be the first ever Top 20. I've still got some finishing touches but here we go...
TOP 20
ILLEGAL BEVERAGES
IN WHEELING, WV
Sex on the Beech Bottom
Less filling. Tastes like ass. Finish off with a dash of cum.
Martini Ferry
Dry? - just add soot. Sweet? - just add piss.
For a traditional Martini Ferry - just add shit.
Moondogshine
I finally found the ride of a lifetime...
Funky Cold Adena
I don't fool around with no Oscar Meyer Wiener
You must be sure that your girl is pure for the Funky Cold Adena
Wheeling Island Iced Tea
Equal parts crackhead, drunk, hooker and elderly degenerate gambler.
Splash of cat urine for added color.
Bombay Safire Gin & Tonic
Who the fuck made this shirt? Stick a lime up his ass!
Route 7 & 7
From the purgatory of Powhatan to the bowels of Brilliant.
Hare of the Dog
A Krishna Klassic.
1 part patchouli, 1 part crickwater and 4 parts stank.
Garnish w/ a doobie.
Rusty Nailer
This drink sucks. It ain't even minor league. It's bush league.
Elm Grove Dodge Car Bomb
Ka-Boom! It blows up the second you leave the lot.
19th Ho-Jito
All the sugar in Cuba won't sweeten up that Ho
I-470 Bypass
Do not stop in Wheeling. Do not pass go. Go directly to HELL.
Mint Jewitt
The melting pot of Ohio. Celebrate religious diversity.
Rum and Coke Plant
This drink is longer in existence. It has been officially shut down.
Proctor Colada
Drink it the night before your colonoscopy. Mmmm. Enjoy!
East Wheeling Unabomber
Hit dat crack, hold yo head back and slam dat Cisco!
Little Washington Apple
just ask Kara...
Bell-Dirty Martini
Use the only cheapest Vodka from Rite-Aid.
Garnish with a generous chunk of olive loaf.
The Oglebay Countdown
Only the rich folk - 3... 2... Kettle 1 (Not for residents of Oglebay Village Apts.)
If you have any ideas, feel free to comment. It's still a work in progress. There's a few I'm not too happy with. I want to touch on the "churchie/prayer" angle - perhaps a drink called the Chrisagis Brothers, B.E. Taylor or something of that ilk. Maybe the Festival of Lights or the Ogden 20K. How about McCulloch's Leap? I'm very open to prudent, albeit crude observations.
I honestly think this one could be better than the Wheeling Sex Moves shirt. Well maybe not that good, but it has potential.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Flavor Wave
I watched a new infomercial this morning for a kitchen device. Here's a link to the 6 minute abbreviated version which pretty much covers the basics.
http://www.youtube.com/watch/v/HrVWyj-XcbQ
This revolutionary product is known as the Flavor Wave. It's basically a small glass-domed convection oven. Darla Haun, an actress I've never heard of before, serves as the host for our culinary journey. I'm guessing she was a daytime soap star but I really don't know (or care). However, her special guest sidekick is none of the than... drumroll please... 1980's A-Team sensation Mr. T. Darla's in the kitchen and Mr. T busts down the door. A plume of smoking dust permeates the air. Why the rudimentary pyrotechnics - I do not know. Mr. T has been invited over for dinner but apparently doesn't know that he will unwittingly serve as a cook. In this case, a cook's job is to simply throw the food in the Flavor Wave.
This contraption is odd in that it grills, bakes, broils, roasts, and even steams the food. Somehow it just magically knows what to do. Darla pulls out a bounty of frozen meat on a platter. Let's see, there's the standard chicken, steak, burgers but there's also this open container of a bizarre scrambled egg custard. For the life of me, I have absolutely no idea what this yellow gelatinous shit could possibly be.
Mr. T wants to have a medium rare steak so they collectively throw in the meat a potato and a piece of corn. Darla confidently proclaims, "Set it to cook and you're off the hook." This is obviously a spin-off line from the unforgettable "set it and forget it" Ron Popeil rotisserie infomercial. I'll never forget how an inspired Popeil stormed the stage and sprayed that aerosol container on his bald spot.
Mr. T has this disoriented, hapless way of communicating. One second he's carrying on a conversation with Darla. The next second he stares into the camera and has this omniscient authoritarian perspective. He'll make these random comments to nobody - "That's right boys and girls. It's always good to eat our veggies." The poorly edited-in audience doesn't really know when to laugh or applaud. Sometimes there's this unwarranted crowd murmuring that takes place for no apparent reason.
Mr. T uses the "I pity the fool" line a couple times as well. This gets the crowd riled up although it's easy to discern that the studio audience was filmed separately. It seems the writers of the Flavor Wave Infomercial couldn't decide if they wanted a gruff Mr. T or a kinder, gentler Mr. T. So they chose to go with both shades of his personality resulting in a less than dynamic performance.
Mr. T also makes these ill-timed proclamations. Early on when he first encounters the Flavor Wave, he jubilantly looks at the camera and announces, "That's cool!" On another occasion, he stares at some chicken frying in a vat of hot oil and defiantly remarks, "That's disgusting." My point here - the Flavor Wave infomercial writers just really don't seem too inspired. Time and time again, you can see how they must have had to do multiple scene takes. Every scene is very stilted and Mr. T seems way out of his element. He just has this haunting, disjointed delivery. Darla is far more fluent and relaxed.
My only other issue with the Flavor Wavers - they're trying to usher in the end to barbecuing as we know it. Apparently, they see the social experience and merit of outdoor grilling as a waste of time. All you need is this kitchen appliance and you're set. Personally, I prefer the excitement of the grill compared to this domed infrared heating device.
I also came across this 2 minute youtube spoof which pretty much sums up the whole Flavor Wave experience. Enjoy "Flavor Wave Turbo!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0LDP8a-kEM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch/v/HrVWyj-XcbQ
This revolutionary product is known as the Flavor Wave. It's basically a small glass-domed convection oven. Darla Haun, an actress I've never heard of before, serves as the host for our culinary journey. I'm guessing she was a daytime soap star but I really don't know (or care). However, her special guest sidekick is none of the than... drumroll please... 1980's A-Team sensation Mr. T. Darla's in the kitchen and Mr. T busts down the door. A plume of smoking dust permeates the air. Why the rudimentary pyrotechnics - I do not know. Mr. T has been invited over for dinner but apparently doesn't know that he will unwittingly serve as a cook. In this case, a cook's job is to simply throw the food in the Flavor Wave.
This contraption is odd in that it grills, bakes, broils, roasts, and even steams the food. Somehow it just magically knows what to do. Darla pulls out a bounty of frozen meat on a platter. Let's see, there's the standard chicken, steak, burgers but there's also this open container of a bizarre scrambled egg custard. For the life of me, I have absolutely no idea what this yellow gelatinous shit could possibly be.
Mr. T wants to have a medium rare steak so they collectively throw in the meat a potato and a piece of corn. Darla confidently proclaims, "Set it to cook and you're off the hook." This is obviously a spin-off line from the unforgettable "set it and forget it" Ron Popeil rotisserie infomercial. I'll never forget how an inspired Popeil stormed the stage and sprayed that aerosol container on his bald spot.
Mr. T has this disoriented, hapless way of communicating. One second he's carrying on a conversation with Darla. The next second he stares into the camera and has this omniscient authoritarian perspective. He'll make these random comments to nobody - "That's right boys and girls. It's always good to eat our veggies." The poorly edited-in audience doesn't really know when to laugh or applaud. Sometimes there's this unwarranted crowd murmuring that takes place for no apparent reason.
Mr. T uses the "I pity the fool" line a couple times as well. This gets the crowd riled up although it's easy to discern that the studio audience was filmed separately. It seems the writers of the Flavor Wave Infomercial couldn't decide if they wanted a gruff Mr. T or a kinder, gentler Mr. T. So they chose to go with both shades of his personality resulting in a less than dynamic performance.
Mr. T also makes these ill-timed proclamations. Early on when he first encounters the Flavor Wave, he jubilantly looks at the camera and announces, "That's cool!" On another occasion, he stares at some chicken frying in a vat of hot oil and defiantly remarks, "That's disgusting." My point here - the Flavor Wave infomercial writers just really don't seem too inspired. Time and time again, you can see how they must have had to do multiple scene takes. Every scene is very stilted and Mr. T seems way out of his element. He just has this haunting, disjointed delivery. Darla is far more fluent and relaxed.
My only other issue with the Flavor Wavers - they're trying to usher in the end to barbecuing as we know it. Apparently, they see the social experience and merit of outdoor grilling as a waste of time. All you need is this kitchen appliance and you're set. Personally, I prefer the excitement of the grill compared to this domed infrared heating device.
I also came across this 2 minute youtube spoof which pretty much sums up the whole Flavor Wave experience. Enjoy "Flavor Wave Turbo!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0LDP8a-kEM&feature=related
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Steeler "fans"
As an ardent fan of one of the greatest professional sports franchises, I'm slowly becoming disillusioned with the Pittsburgh Steelers. Yeah, I know, a Superbowl hangover season... well, not quite. They're 6-6 and in danger of missing the playoffs. Well, not really. All the injuries, the weak special teams, a defense that resembles a nylon curtain at crunch time... this really isn't the problem. Rest assured, here's the real problem - THE FANS.
Let me preface my comments here. I'm a lifelong fan since I can remember. I recall the string of championships in the 1970's. Although under the age of 10, I can conjure up vague memories of my family watching the big games. At the time, I couldn't comprehend the specifics but I definitely understood the magnitude that something unusual was happening. During the 1980's (and the Cliff Stoudt/Bubby Brister era) my interest in the team drifted here and there. In the 1990's it picked back up as they became routine contenders. I've been to well over 50 live games and seen every NFL team with the exception of the Saints and maybe the Rams. I've embraced the dank concrete of Three Rivers Stadium, elevated myself via the benches outside Heinz Field Gate A and done my fair share of tailgating. Never having been a season ticket holder, gives you a different perspective. You're forced to engage the crowd on a different level since the pre-game elements tend to vary significantly with regard to their respective trials and tribulations. Suffice to say, I've pretty much seen everything there is to see at the confluence of the three rivers.
Here's my beef. Around the NFL, Steelers fans have always been highly regarded. Their dedication, perseverance to the harsh elements, the "blue-collar" attitude, etc. Well, I've come to the conclusion that all of that is complete and utter BULLSHIT. I went to the Raiders game a few days ago. It was brisk weather but the sun was out. There were over 3,000 no shows! Of course the game was sold out as always. But come the fuck on - 3,000 "fans" didn't bother to go to the game. Yeah, we usually have 500-1,000 no shows for a typical regular season game. I understand that not everybody can go to every game. But lately it just seems that people are just content to bail. They don't even bother trying to make sure their tickets get used. Even worse, are the people who show up with extras and are very content to eat them. They'd rather have the seat next to them remain vacant. God forbid some unshaven fast food worker enter the precious, coveted 2nd level suite zone.
Here's what really sucks - all the people who leave early while the game is in progress. The game is on the line in the 4th quarter and people are rushing to the exit in some misguided attempt to beat the traffic. Our seats were in the corner of the end zone last week. The Raiders are storming down the field. I stand up with 25 seconds left, making some noise and trying to encourage the defense. The guy behind me asks me to sit down. "What is this? An opera?" There were only a few others standing, scattered here and there trying to embolden the crowd. This struck me as downright pathetic.
Here's some of the problem. Heinz Field is just too damn nice. If you are one of the privileged few who can dish out/waste $200 per ticket to sit in the luxury lounge, here's what you'll see. There ain't no hot dog or IC Light vendor roaming the concourse. Instead, you'll see a guy who looks like a butler in full regalia. They wear bow ties and are absurdly polite to the point where it becomes ludicrous. Like I said, is this an opera or a football game? Chefs with the puffed up white hats are carving up over-sized maple honey hams and steroid-infused smoked turkeys. The younger fans seem entirely disinterested in the action on the field. They'd rather text their friends and play video games on their hand held electronic devices. White Zinfandel seems to be the beverage of choice for the "SUV-driving-divorced-cougar-trophy-wife."
One issue of consideration is the tiny population base of Pittsburgh and the aging decrepit population. I think some of the old-timers are like, "Fuck it. Been there, done that. I'm not gonna freeze my ass off n'at." I guess they've paid their dues but how about making sure their tickets get used. Is that too much to ask? You'd think they'd feel some sort of obligation. Perhaps not.
I realize the NFL has problems with crowd behavior and is trying to provide a family friendly atmosphere these days. But since when did it become taboo to stand up and cheer or boo. And what's truly insane is the vast number of people who exit Heinz Field well before the game has ended. Here we are at 6-5 and in the midst of a wildcard opportunity and fans are leaving in droves. Didn't church end at noon? Where the fuck are these people going? Maybe they've decided to watch the rest of the game at McFlanigans or Fox O'Reilly's Pub and Grill. I just don't get it. Have you ever noticed the Green Bay fans? They stay til the end even when the team's getting badly beaten. They have the same inclement weather but, simply stated, their fans are more dedicated.
Rest assured, I'll be a Steelers fan til I expire from causes artificial or natural. And I'll keep going to the games because I love watching the throng of 65,000, well... er uhhh, 61,800. Plus, I love going to the games for free, $10 or $20 max. Next up is the Green Bay Packers at 4:15pm on the 20th. Imagine that - a free ticket for a Steelers/Packers game. Only in the Burgh. I'll just have to make sure I stay seated. Wouldn't want to offend anyone.
Let me preface my comments here. I'm a lifelong fan since I can remember. I recall the string of championships in the 1970's. Although under the age of 10, I can conjure up vague memories of my family watching the big games. At the time, I couldn't comprehend the specifics but I definitely understood the magnitude that something unusual was happening. During the 1980's (and the Cliff Stoudt/Bubby Brister era) my interest in the team drifted here and there. In the 1990's it picked back up as they became routine contenders. I've been to well over 50 live games and seen every NFL team with the exception of the Saints and maybe the Rams. I've embraced the dank concrete of Three Rivers Stadium, elevated myself via the benches outside Heinz Field Gate A and done my fair share of tailgating. Never having been a season ticket holder, gives you a different perspective. You're forced to engage the crowd on a different level since the pre-game elements tend to vary significantly with regard to their respective trials and tribulations. Suffice to say, I've pretty much seen everything there is to see at the confluence of the three rivers.
Here's my beef. Around the NFL, Steelers fans have always been highly regarded. Their dedication, perseverance to the harsh elements, the "blue-collar" attitude, etc. Well, I've come to the conclusion that all of that is complete and utter BULLSHIT. I went to the Raiders game a few days ago. It was brisk weather but the sun was out. There were over 3,000 no shows! Of course the game was sold out as always. But come the fuck on - 3,000 "fans" didn't bother to go to the game. Yeah, we usually have 500-1,000 no shows for a typical regular season game. I understand that not everybody can go to every game. But lately it just seems that people are just content to bail. They don't even bother trying to make sure their tickets get used. Even worse, are the people who show up with extras and are very content to eat them. They'd rather have the seat next to them remain vacant. God forbid some unshaven fast food worker enter the precious, coveted 2nd level suite zone.
Here's what really sucks - all the people who leave early while the game is in progress. The game is on the line in the 4th quarter and people are rushing to the exit in some misguided attempt to beat the traffic. Our seats were in the corner of the end zone last week. The Raiders are storming down the field. I stand up with 25 seconds left, making some noise and trying to encourage the defense. The guy behind me asks me to sit down. "What is this? An opera?" There were only a few others standing, scattered here and there trying to embolden the crowd. This struck me as downright pathetic.
Here's some of the problem. Heinz Field is just too damn nice. If you are one of the privileged few who can dish out/waste $200 per ticket to sit in the luxury lounge, here's what you'll see. There ain't no hot dog or IC Light vendor roaming the concourse. Instead, you'll see a guy who looks like a butler in full regalia. They wear bow ties and are absurdly polite to the point where it becomes ludicrous. Like I said, is this an opera or a football game? Chefs with the puffed up white hats are carving up over-sized maple honey hams and steroid-infused smoked turkeys. The younger fans seem entirely disinterested in the action on the field. They'd rather text their friends and play video games on their hand held electronic devices. White Zinfandel seems to be the beverage of choice for the "SUV-driving-divorced-cougar-trophy-wife."
One issue of consideration is the tiny population base of Pittsburgh and the aging decrepit population. I think some of the old-timers are like, "Fuck it. Been there, done that. I'm not gonna freeze my ass off n'at." I guess they've paid their dues but how about making sure their tickets get used. Is that too much to ask? You'd think they'd feel some sort of obligation. Perhaps not.
I realize the NFL has problems with crowd behavior and is trying to provide a family friendly atmosphere these days. But since when did it become taboo to stand up and cheer or boo. And what's truly insane is the vast number of people who exit Heinz Field well before the game has ended. Here we are at 6-5 and in the midst of a wildcard opportunity and fans are leaving in droves. Didn't church end at noon? Where the fuck are these people going? Maybe they've decided to watch the rest of the game at McFlanigans or Fox O'Reilly's Pub and Grill. I just don't get it. Have you ever noticed the Green Bay fans? They stay til the end even when the team's getting badly beaten. They have the same inclement weather but, simply stated, their fans are more dedicated.
Rest assured, I'll be a Steelers fan til I expire from causes artificial or natural. And I'll keep going to the games because I love watching the throng of 65,000, well... er uhhh, 61,800. Plus, I love going to the games for free, $10 or $20 max. Next up is the Green Bay Packers at 4:15pm on the 20th. Imagine that - a free ticket for a Steelers/Packers game. Only in the Burgh. I'll just have to make sure I stay seated. Wouldn't want to offend anyone.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
vanity plate run around
Every Department of Motor Vehicles has a pretty strong stance against profane license plates. All curse words, both real and slang, get red flagged when you submit your request. I even remember a man in Florida who was upset because the DMV wouldn't renew his license plate that said "ATHEIST." Not quite sure why that word itself is so offensive. I'm sure they would have renewed "WRITER" or "PACIFIST." Anyway, I digress.
Here's the idea I just came up with. Start a business where you sell sheets of alphabet stickers that are replicas of the lettering they use in all 50 states. Conceivably, you could build the message around your license plate without arousing suspicion with the DMV. For example, it's incredibly doubtful that the license plate "SHITHEAD" would go through... However, how about one that says "HITHEA." Then, you just add the "S" on the left and the "D" on the right. Add another sticker that says "Stop Tailgating" and it becomes...
STOP TAILGATING
SHITHEAD
See. Now you've effectively conveyed your message and managed to subvert the community standards imposed by the state. This idea would really be an effective way of proclaiming your stance on abortion, dependence on foreign oil, basically anything. Political statements would be the way to go.
RAH PAL doesn't seem like much. Add an SA and an IN - Now you have the ability to make very terse and caustic statement regarding McCain's VP running mate.
I think this could spark the next wave in vanity plates. You just have so much more material to work with. Of course, it does involve adding stickers to your vehicle which is sometimes viewed as obnoxious and hippie-trashish, but I think if the message is strong enough, you'll be vindicated.
My friend Jess said this wouldn't work if you have a dark-colored car. You could make it work - just have box lettering with a white background. Although I agree, it wouldn't look as good. I think this idea has merit. Very difficult to market though. Maybe an arts and crafts store or ebay. Not sure how you'd go about promoting it though.
Here's the idea I just came up with. Start a business where you sell sheets of alphabet stickers that are replicas of the lettering they use in all 50 states. Conceivably, you could build the message around your license plate without arousing suspicion with the DMV. For example, it's incredibly doubtful that the license plate "SHITHEAD" would go through... However, how about one that says "HITHEA." Then, you just add the "S" on the left and the "D" on the right. Add another sticker that says "Stop Tailgating" and it becomes...
STOP TAILGATING
SHITHEAD
See. Now you've effectively conveyed your message and managed to subvert the community standards imposed by the state. This idea would really be an effective way of proclaiming your stance on abortion, dependence on foreign oil, basically anything. Political statements would be the way to go.
RAH PAL doesn't seem like much. Add an SA and an IN - Now you have the ability to make very terse and caustic statement regarding McCain's VP running mate.
I think this could spark the next wave in vanity plates. You just have so much more material to work with. Of course, it does involve adding stickers to your vehicle which is sometimes viewed as obnoxious and hippie-trashish, but I think if the message is strong enough, you'll be vindicated.
My friend Jess said this wouldn't work if you have a dark-colored car. You could make it work - just have box lettering with a white background. Although I agree, it wouldn't look as good. I think this idea has merit. Very difficult to market though. Maybe an arts and crafts store or ebay. Not sure how you'd go about promoting it though.
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