Palin in Flushing

Well, as expected, Sarah Palin ventured into East Ohio yesterday for a "victory rally" near St. Clairsville (Flushing to be precise). As many of you know, my plan was to sabotage the event. So I came up with an unusual idea. I constructed a large sign that said...

DINOSUARS
ARE ONLY
4,000
YEARS OLD

Just for the record, Dinosaurs was intentionally misspelled. I even thought about adding an apostrophe or two w/ the word "DINOSUARS" and/or "YEARS" but thought that might be a bit excessive. Anyway, the sign itself was bad ass. Flourescent poster board w/ black vinyl lettering. It really looked strong. My gameplan was to bring it into the event so when the cameras panned the crowd, it would have a bold presence. I even snagged a bunch of Ohio Valley welcomes SARAH signs just to cover it up. Turns out none of this would be warranted. The Palin people decided that NO SIGNS would be permitted in the rally. What a fucking bummer! Very deflating. Of course, when you entered, they would end up giving you a sign that reads "COUNTRY FIRST" along with some red, white and blue pom poms. But that's another story. So much for freedom of speech - as long as it's homogenous, uniform speech, I guess it's acceptable.
Why did I want to do this? I've discovered that if you make a mockery of someone, it tends to be an excellent way to discredit them. I figured that if an undecided voter were to see one of those whackjob, religious freakazoid signs at the rally it would make them think twice about casting a vote for McCain/Palin. My theory - "Jesus Christ, do I really want to align myself with the weirdos who support this women?" Usually people don't want to vote for someone who has been successfully mocked and ridiculed because it makes you feel as though you're the one being humiliated. So that was the basic premise. The Democrats have never been good at slinging mud. Harsh Republican tactics devastated Dukakis (remember him riding in the tank, ouch) and Kerry (flip-flopping while wind surfing, ugly). The Dems need more people like myself who are willing to embrace the sleazeball movement. Obama is much more proactive than the two aforementioned candidates but still doesn't like to throw mud. Probably a wise strategy. It really doesn't suit his "above the fray" personality.
I'll admit, when I heard that no signs would be permitted, I was mildly devastated. Obviously someone must have held up a pro-choice sign at a Palin rally recently and the entire campaign went into lockdown mode. I can't place too much blame on the Sarah Palin campaign. It's to be expected. The last thing you need is some outside curveballs being hurled at this poorly run campaign with less than 4 weeks to go.
So here's more of the play by play. I had planned to attend the event with some of my "assistants," but all 5 of them bailed for a variety of reasons. No big deal. I really didn't need the emotional support and it was a long night for some of them. A mutual friend got married the night before. She used to be a friend of mine but I never really expected an invite to her wedding. 10 years ago I made many derogatory statments directed toward her Chow dog thing. She didn't like it when I ridiculed the dog's behavior. In rerospect, that dog "Caleb" was on the extreme low end in the "dog-milieu." So I zipped up solo. As I said, no big deal.
Got there around 2pm. The rally was scheduled to start at 3pm and Sarah would eventually take to the stage at 5:30pm. I hung out with some Obama protesters at the interesection near the interstate for about 20 minutes. Just some union guys in their 50's. About 4 of them. Not exactly a large opposition presence. Basically, people would drive by and yell "Communist" or "Obama sucks" and they'd yell back "Screw you." Not really the direction I wanted to veer toward. During this time, I met these two guys who were shooting a documentary about the campaign. Pretty interesting. They wanted me to read my Sarah Palin poem for the camera, so I obliged them. Incidentally, I wrote a derogatory poem about Sarah Palin and printed out 500 copies. I was going to hand them as people exited Brush Run Park. Just an attempt to piss people off as they were riding a "Sarah Palin delirious high." I know, I know - this makes me a complete asshole. SO BE IT. What else is new?
Anyway, I just basically walked around and observed the crowd for a while. Very homogenous, synthetic, contrived... I'd say about 3,800 people showed up the event. Maybe as much as 4,500. As far as minorities go, I counted 2 black men, 1 black woman and 1 Asian woman with her kids. Honestly, that was it. Then again, this is Flushing, Ohio (not Flushing, NY), so I wasn't exactly expecting the Black Panthers or the ACLU supports the Afro-American Negro College fund people. Anyway, Jepsonite called me while I was there and I encouraged him to stop by since he lives only 5 minutes away. So we entered the facility about 4pm. It was pretty hot out for early October and I think the rally went on for way too long. A little over three hours in its entirety. Most everyone was in good spirits, but you could sense a little exhaustion and fatigue. An attractive female country musician rallied the crowd, "I love all those signs. I wish I could read all of them!" Kind of an unusual comment since all the signs were IDENTICAL as I alluded to earlier (COUNTRY FIRST). In reflection, I should have snagged one for Jay Country of the message board. That would make a cool avatar.
I must admit, the logistics of the rally were exceptional. Very smooth and orderly. The crowd was VERY enthusiastic. The setting was serene and the delivery was top-notch. As the McCain bus rolled in, the crowd went bonkers. There was this delirious unified passion that was evident amongst the crowd. Screams of We Love you Sarah - U.S.A. - Drill Bay Drill seemed to be the norm. Very little extemperaneous speaking. She did remark on the smell of fresh cut hay. And at one point the crowd spontaneously roared "Mine Baby Mine" - an odd reference to the abundance of coal in the region. But she basically stayed on message. "There's only one man who has ever really fought for you." "Can we really trust him." "He's going to raise your taxes and increase the size of government." etc. All the standard Republican fodder and regurgitated soundbytes.
I should mention that we left the rally while she was still speaking so missed about 3/5 of it. My buddy didn't want to get stuck in traffic. And I wanted to be ready to distribute my poem at the conclusion of the rally. I handed out my poem to cars exiting the park. The vast majority of people thanked me which is kind of amusing. They probably thought I was handing out "Buy one get one free" dinner coupons at Hoss's. Two people started to read the poem and threw it out their window. I purposely wrote "Do Not Litter" on the poem, but that failed to sissuade them. I immediately retrieved them. Another woman got out of her car, handed me back the poem and called me a coward. I asked her why I was a coward, and she fired back. "That's just what you are, a coward." I tried to reason with her. Here I am on total enemy turf and she's calling ME a coward. I tried to explain that she should have called me an asshole or dickead, far more appropriate than coward, but she walked back to her vehicle in a huff. That was pretty much my only accomplishment of the day - pissing people off. Oh well, hardly the first time I've ever pissed anyone off. Maybe I should see a psychiatrist about my overwhelming desire to anger the churchies. By the way, the poem itself wasn't very good. The rhymes were not that clever and there was even a slight error which I failed to correct as I hurriedly printed them out. Hardly my best work.
What really upset me was the lack of national press coverage. No Fox, no MSNBC, no CNN. Just their local affiliates and a European satellite operation of some kind. That was it. You'd think they'd have the big boys there. What if she made a serious gaffe or something unusual transpired (like some moron with a dinosaur sign showed up)? I also had a sign that said..

HUNTERS FOR PALIN
Kill Baby Kill

Oh well, back to drawing board. I'm going on a local radio talk show today in a couple hours to discuss recent events. We'll see how it goes...

I can't believe this

They went ahead with the Scranton town hall meeting. For some reason, they removed it from his website. Maybe that was their way of avoiding calls for ticket requests. I'm pretty sick about this but I was currently childless so I guess it was a no-go anyway.
Now I heard McCain is stopping in Ohio today after his victory rally in Media, PA. They don't even mention it on his website. How could there be such poor technological gaps between his website and his campaign?

Alright, I just had to add this. The six questions at this "town hall meeting" were the exact same six questions posed to Hillary Clinton at a similar town hall in New York City from a few months ago. Apparently, they all dealt exclusively with Irish-American issues. I guess he had some prepared answers which is understandable. So much for extemperaneous speaking.
All in all, I'd have to say it's a relief that the whole Scranton debacle is over. My heart has been racing for the past few days and I haven't gotten much sleep. I'm still determined to make an impact of some kind.
Good god, I'm watching MSNBC and they have Palin meeting w/ Bono, and the presidents of Iraq, Pakistan and Afghanistan. I knew she was meeting with Hamid Karzai, but this is starting to get absurd. I guess McCain feels that if they can get a few photo ops with leaders of dangerous countries, they can put together a good tv commercial which touts her foreign policy experience. What a fucking joke. Their campaign is getting more preposterous than even I could have fathomed.

THANK god

They just removed the McCain Scranton town hall meeting from his website. They must have just decided to cancel it for undetermined reasons. They're still going ahead with a victory rally on Monday in Media, PA. What a relief. So maybe there is a higher entity at work here. Maybe there is a spiritual force at work trying to draw McCain closer to me. Maybe Johnstown, PA? Maybe some Columbus suburb? Zanesville? Who knows. Let's just stay on top of this and keep an eye out.

the plan, continued

Well, McCain is giving us an in. He has a town hall meeting in Scranton, Pa on monday morniing. Not a victory rally, but a bonafide question & answer session. I thought I might have this one girl ready to go, but apparently, she didn't like the idea of speaking in front of a crowd. I still have another 10 yr. old lined up but I'm pretty sure her mother will nix it because of the long drive and her missing a school day. I'd say the odds are about 6% if I had to put a number on it. How sad. I'm pretty sure this will be our only credible chance.
I even modified the fake question that would get submitted. Check this out.
"Senator McCain, who do you like better, the Pittsburgh Steelers or the Philadelphia Eagles?" To top it off, you discreetly tell the organizer that you have a ZINGER of an answer if the Senator wants to use it. You quietly mention he should respond, "Well, that's a tough question? I think I'll have to take a page out of my opponent's playbook and answer PRESENT." This is great shit, because McCain has been nailing Obama with the fact that he sometimes votes "present" rather than yea or nay. This is probably one of his more credible attack strategies. I guarantee - it would bring the fucking house down. This fake answer is even better than the fake question. The Steelers/Eagles question has even more significance becuase of the Scranton location and the fact that they'll play each other the day before in Philly. Plus, politicians almost never take sides in sporting events - it's a no-win. The only one I've ever seen pull it off is Ed Rendell (Philly mayor, PA governor).
Then, instead you fuckin' nail him with the email question or the a stripped down version of the dinosaur question (refer to my previous blog). I actually prefer the dinosaur question - you could even open with the "grandpa" comment. "Grandpa, errr uhh, Mr. McCain, my grandpa and I love dinosaurs....."
Well, the tickets must be acquired today. I'm currently experiencing immense feelings of trepidation. I just have serious doubts that she'll go for it, despite my sincerest attempts to convince her. I hate to pose an open-ended question like this in print, but "Does anyone have a cute 10 year old girl I can borrow for 24 hours? And would you like an all expenses 24 hour vacation trip to glorious downtown Scranton, Pennsylvania?" Someone out there, Please Help Me.
The more I think about it, it becomes apparent that this campaign will soon explore new unseen lows. We've already seen the McCain attempts to mock and ridicule Obama. Ooooh, he's a celebrity like Paris Hilton - remember those ads? They were obviously an attempt to patronize Obama. I thought they were so over-the-top that they lost all credibility. But I'll also admit that, there is a segment of the populace the ads would appeal to. If you think about it, Obama has recently started a routine where he refers to the "old boys" network and that McCain has been in the Senate for almost 30 years. Certainly not a vitriolic attack, yet definitely an attempt to define him as old, out of touch, part of the beltway network, etc. The candidates can't come out and say, "he's black" or "he's old", but the 527s can act with relative impunity. I expect one of the unendorsed 527 ads on either side to go too far. And I think there could be a backlash. It'll probably come in the form of an internet ad, something a little less mainstream. Something to watch for as crunch time appraoches.

Sarah Palin

Hailing from the arctic tundra, of a town called Wasilla
The creationists love her, she's a real thrilla

McCain spent a great deal of time, contemplating her as his Vice
Gimme a fuckin' break, talk about a roll of the dice

Choosing her is something, that just can't be faked
When I think of Alaska, I prefer that it's baked

The tanning bed fiasco, isn't really that funny
but at least it was paid for, with her own money

The Bridge to Nowhere, now ain't that some shit
She voted for it, before she was against it

Piper's a great name, an unusual characterization
Maybe it was Rowdy Roddy, who served as the inspiration

The Republicans claim, that their kids ain't wild
so Bristol's off limits, cuz she's currently with child

Willow's a fun name, for you or for me
If you were a flower, and I was a tree

The oldest son, his name is Track
It seems appropriate, that he's off in Iraq

She's often known, for her various quotes
A feeble attempt, to garner some votes

"You can't put lipstick on a pig!"
Her other son agrees, his name is Trig

Now I just heard, that her email was hacked
But her password was "Sarah," so it was easily cracked

When McCain picked her, it was easy to make the case
a religious extremist, to energize the base

But one thing's for certain, that if you vote Palin
The next 4 years, our guvmint be a failin'

The plan

Alright, the plan to take down John McCain is taking shape. Normally, I'd maintain a certain level of discretion and not divulge details of the operation, but I really wanted to get this whole black-op in writing. Plus, the only perosn who reads this thing is Amanda. Also, if you take the time read it, perhaps you'll have some valuable input. Feel free to give me a call.
In the final 7 weeks of the campaign, there is a good possiblity that John McCain will schedule a town-hall style meeting in the area. He has a campaign stop near Youngstown tomorrow, but that's more of a "victory rally." He has a town hall meeting later in the week in Michigan, but that's a little too far. I'm sure he'll hit the Pittsburgh and or East Ohio area within the next month or so. At one of these town hall meetings, there will be a plant in the audience. This "plant" will be in the form of a girl and boy, roughly 8-10 years of age. I already have three children in mind. It is not uncommon for a child to ask the candidate a question at these events. They must usually submit the question in advance, so it's imperative to have the "fake" questions ready to roll. The two fugazi questions...

From the female child, "Senator McCain, I love soccer. Your running mate likes hockey. Which do you think is better and why?" I want her wearing a "modern Shirly Templesque outfit a la good ship lollipop."
From the male child, "Senator McCain, Can you write me a note for my teacher so I don't have to do tonight's homework?" I want this kid wearing a McCain/Palin 2008 t-shirt.

Obviously, these questions will not be posed. The real questions will closely resemble the following.

Assuming the town hall meeting takes place near Pittsburgh, the male or female child will ask this question. "Mr. McCain, we just went to the Carnegie Science Center and saw the dinosaurs. I love dinosaurs. Your running mate thinks they're only 4,000 years old. I think there a hundred million years old. Which one of us is right?"
This question is an absolute killer. First off, because his campaign is so poorly managed, I doubt McCain is well vetted concerning oddball questions about Palin. I'm sure he has answers for her stances on energy, trooper-gate and most other things, but I seriously doubt he has a solid response for this line of attack. The beauty of the question is that it leaves McCain stammering and disoriented. This question basically follows the line, "How many times have you beaten your wife?" There's no good way to repsond, especially to a child. And even better, the child can pretty much say anything he wants and get away with it. The whole "dinosaur" question works on a few different levels. First, it makes Palin look like an oddball creationist, whether she is or not. Doesn't really matter - it's all about the perception. Second, it invokes the fake internet quotes about how dinosaurs are "the lizards of Satan" and how it was part of god's plan for them to become extinct - so they could become fuel to power our pickup trucks and snowmobiles. This stuff has a life of its own, especially when a child brings it to the forefront.
Regardless, of McCain's answer, we'll have the after-interviews ready to go. I like the idea of myself being interviewed on the local news. "Well, I had very intention of voting for McCain until that kid asked that one question. I'm just not sure I want a Vice-President who thinks dinosaurs and humans coexisted. I mean, does she really belive in the Flintstones? That's just a bit too unsettling."
Another response, "To be honest, I'm still undecided. But I'll tell you what, I don't think I like his education platform if it includes teaching kids that dinsoaurs roamed the earth about 5,000 years ago."
And of course, I'll have some brief letters to the editor and a few select national periodicals (definitely USA Today) ready to go. My new Pittsburgh connection will come in very handy helping to assure the after-comments make the news.
The second question (probably from the male child) has two variations. "Mr. McCain, I got an email that says you don't know how to use email. Would you like me to show you how?" or "Grandpa, (nervously) errr uhhh, Mr. McCain, my grandpa says you don't know how to send an email. Would you like me to show you how?"
This question works on a few levels as well. First, it's embarrassingly true. The good senator has been on record several times saying, "I don't use email" and similar stuff to that effect. This reveals him as an old-timer who's not in sync with even the simplest modern technology. Plus, just the mere thought of a child teaching Grandpa McCain how to press the send button is great late-night talk show material. The interviews that would follow for the news would include the following - "Maybe Sentaor McCain should appoint that kid to a cabinet level position. Sounded like maybe he could use a technology czar." or "John McCain, email really isn't that confusing. All you do is hit the button that says inobx."
After the 2 questions have been posed (not at the same event - that's highly unlikely you'd get to drill off both questions), you could offer this one up, "Well, I've heard of the vast right wing conspiracy, but I think John McCain has a problem with the vast 8 year old conspiracy."
The most important part is to have the after-blitz READY TO ROLL. MSNBC and other mainstream news outlets would love nothing more than to have a slightly, smart-alecky kid taking on John McCain. Makes for great you-tube fodder as well as instant cult-celebrity status for the child. I could even forsee a late night talk show appearance on Leno or Letterman. We'll need a little luck, too. McCain has shown a strong committment to the town-hall style format. This could be his achilles heal. The next 7 weeks could offer up one of the greatest opportunities - to hijack the 2008 election. Would I like to be a part of this historic endeavor? Sure. Why not?
This entire operation hinges upon one central theme. It's difficult for a voter to cast a ballot for a politician that has been mocked or made a fool of. Remember, that Bush commercial with Dukakis wearing the helmet when he was going for a ride in the tank. That one commercial absolutely butchered his campaign. Most people take their vote very personally. The last thing you want to do is vote for the guy who looks like a fool, because it will make you feel like a fool.
This entire campaign is crying out for one big watershed event. You can argue all you want about taxes, govt. spending, the war, etc. until you're blue in the face. The real truth - the country is still divided right down the middle. The timing and placement for this scheme is just way too obvious. And the media would EAT IT UP... They'd eat it up faster than Anna Ashby Anna Grubler German shotput artist. One day the world will hear her words. This proclamation will resonate through the swing states. "LEAVE ME ALONE! I"M EATIN."

opening day

Yesterday I took the regulars and another couple to the Steelers (-6.5)/Texans home opener. Of course there were some minor electrical issues with the black limo, so we switched to the Escalade. I have a hunch we are about to revisit the same problems from a year ago with this frayed wire. Ahhh, if only I had a nickel for everytime this has happened - I'd probably have 85 cents. Smooth ride up. Surprisingly, no traffic whatsoever. We got to the stadium about 12:15pm. I dumped them off and parked in the crack district (my usual spot on Federal Street). I thought scoring a ticket would be difficult (nice weather, opening day) so I hustled down to the stadium. I ran into a scalper who had a "fan" of 5-6 tickets. I normally don't approach scalpers, but asked him how much for a single. He said, "Make me an offer, you tell me." I repsonded, "How about twenty?" He stammered, "C'mon man, it's 80 face." I started to walk away and he said, "Alright, 40." I resisted, "No, I'll go 20." He flashed me a look of tepid disgust, "Alright, 20." Truth be told, the closer I got to the stadium, there were plenty of tickets. Here's some candid advice for the "professional" scalpers. If you know there is a ticket glut, don't display your tix in a "fanned " format. It reveals your hand. In retrospect, this was an easy one. The next home game will not be - Monday night against the Purple Browns. As I made my way to the stadium, 4 blackhawks did a low level flyover. NICE. One of them had a Steelers logo painted on it. Bad Ass. I made my way to Gate A, took my usual place standing on a bench and watched the crowd go in. I hung out in the pit for the first half. Steelers looked tough, better than I expected (21-3 at the half).
They introduced Charlie Daniels at halftime. "He's here to sing his newest song In America." Well, he strolls out to the 50 yard line with an acoustic guitar. For some reason, they pipe in a different song though the Heinz Field PA. They've got him out there solo with an acoustic guitar and he's singing his song. Meanwhile, "The Legend of Wooley Swamp" is playing in the background. What a fuck up. I think Charlie, kept expecting them to switch the sound. They didn't. What made it truly funny was that he kept singing acoustic and they've got a song playing with a full blown band. This was the most disastrous case of lip-synching I've ever seen. I guess it's really not lip-synching though. With lip-synched shit, you can be a little off, but at least you use the same song.
Anyhoo, I zipped them back to Belldirty and went home to grab a shower. They called a couple hours later and the night was finished. Something was a tad askew when I dropped them off. Oh yeah. it was light out (around 7pm). The best news of the day - I found out they sell Lone Star beef Jerky at the Claysville Exxon. What a score. Speaking of scores...

Steelers 38
Texans 17

I almost forgot to mention. During the first half, this guy yells out, "Tom Brady got his leg broken. There is a god!" My section of the pit erupted in jubilation. A couple guys were high-fiving each other. Another inquired, "Sweet, who's Brady's back-up? I'm going to snag him for my fantasy team." It's nice to see people celebrate the misery of others.

gayt

For those of you know me, my deepest sympathies. No seriously, for those of you who know me, you know 4 things for certain. I live on a street in a relatively secluded area. I share a driveway with my immediate neighbor. I don't like this neighbor. And, he has a gate. For the past 3 years, both he and his gate have been a source of amusement and disgust. When I first moved in, he had the property immediately surveyed - he explained this was merely to delineate the property boundaries. This was one of the 5 occasions where we have spoken. I'm not going to explain why we don't have cordial, neighborly relations. In fact, for the sake of this blog, I'll gladly admit that I'm a complete asshole and he's the greatest person in the world. Done.
Let's go back to our initial meeting 3 years ago. A few things stood out in my mind. He told me he was going to build a fence bewteen our yards because, "I knew Mrs. Allen (the former deceased owner of my house), but I don't know you." This just struck me as a bit hash and unpleasant. Then he reprimanded me for not knocking on his door and introducing myself when I first moved in. This made me think - shouldn't he be the one to knock on my door and bring me a cake or something. He basically concluded with the sentiment, "It's really quiet up here so if you mind your business, I'll mind mine." Let me be blunt. This guy ain't going to win any Neighbor of the Year awards. Anyway, that was fine with me because there's enough distance between our properties and we really don't need to be in constant contact and I have no interest in engaging him socially. That's my immediate neighbor.
Now I also have some other neighbors. Becky and Jake live right next to his precious gate at the bottom of the driveway. This couple and I have become good friends. They feed me, clothe me and bathe me. Well, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get the drift. I spend a great deal of time with these two and their mutual friends. Basically, knowing these two easily outweighs any of the misgivings I might have about gateman.
I've always thought that the gate itself was pretty lame.

A. We live in Wheeling, WV - is a gate necessary.
B. It makes it incredibly difficult for people to turn around.
C. It represents an obnoxious precedent for exclusion rather than inclusiveness. This suits him well, not me.
D. It adds an extra dimension of danger in the winter when the road is icy.
E. It's prone to breaking down.
F. He has it decorated with a wreath and lights during the holiday season.
Honestly, I could probably think of another 10 or so.

About a month ago, a tree fell on Becky and Jake's house. A section of the tree also fell near the gate and snapped the power line. Damage was pretty extensive. Well, gateman had a crew come and clear the street so we could get to our homes unabated by the "remains of monster tree." A nice and timely gesture. Well done. After that incident, the gate has remained open for a month straight. It hasn't closed since the incident. Why? Why? What convinced him to leave it open? Well... last night I was hanging with Jake and Becky (steak, twice baked potato and salad - a superior dining experience). I was a little buzzed last night - went golfing earlier and we were drinking a lot of wine. We started conversing about the gate and the odd property boundaries. We spoke about the split rail fence he erected so nobody could park near his lower property, how he had the mechaincal box bolted shut so nobody could manually open the gate, his Private Drive sign and the never-ending discussion about the infamous gate. Still, why has he left it open for the past month? We slowly started to unravel the historical tapestry of the gate, the drive and the property boundaries. See, I own a little sliver of property down near the gate. I've never really thought about it too much. I just know it's mine and that's the way the boundaries were drawn. From time to time, I'd go down with a weed wacker and clean it up a little. But for the most part, I've just wanted to avoid any issues with that little section of land. And I have no interest whatsoever in the maintenance of the gate.
Well, as I said, last night the wine was flowing and I had a biblical revelation of sorts, some kind of atheistic awakening. It all dawned on me at once.
I own his gate. For christ sakes, IT'S MY FUCKING GATE! The same gate I've mocked and ridiculed for 3 years - IT'S MINE, not his. I just never really thought about it.
A few years ago, I offered to pay half the expense for some of the deteriorated lighting on one of the pillars. He declined my offer and said he'd take care of it. I figured, that's cool. In actuality, he was testing me to see what I knew about the potential gate ownership issue. These past 3 years he's been hoping I didn't know, didn't care or just didn't want to claim ownership of the gate. So he gradually assumed the role of "Gate Guardian." With the recent cataclysmic events, he must be running scared. He's probably wondering if the jig is up.
Now here's the deal. Our street is scheduled to be paved by mid-October. My guess is that he's waiting for the tree debacle and paving issues to conclude and then he'll resume the regular assholic gately protocol. I haven't decided what I'm going to do with my newfound knowledge. Personally, I'd never remove it. If it were up to me, I'd just leave it open all the time. I will tell you one thing though. If he puts his holiday wreath and Chirstmas lights on my gate, there will be fucking hell to pay. You have my word.
You might be asking yourself, "What if he reads this? What if he googles my name and this blog comes up? Saf, aren't you concerned about that?" C'mon, really. I would give neither two shits nor a flying fuck.

FARM USE

Yesterday was an interesting one. I did an airport run around noon. Picked up these two retired football coaches and zipped them down to Wheeling Island for the Don Nehlen Classic "Friends of Coal" event. One of the guys was Dick McPherson. The name sounded familiar but I just couldn't place what team he used to coach - this will eventually become slightly relevant. Anyway, I threw them in the back and off we went. Is it me, or does "The Friends of Coal" sound pretty lame? Couldn't they have configured a better motto; perhaps, "Coal Country" or "The Future is Coal" but really, "Friends of Coal?" I just don't like the idea of people befriending a black geological source of energy. Anyway, it was an uneventful ride to the hotel, with the exception of cops out EVERYWHERE. Of course it was Labor Day weekend, but this was ridiculous. Cops basically lined route 7 and littered parts of 22 and the Island. Between the hour ride up and back, I saw about 28 cruisers. No joke.
I NEVER discuss limo-oriented tips in an open forum, but the man I alluded to earlier emptied his entire wallet for my tip. "Hmmm, that's all I got." Three dollars. Later that night, his true identity would be revealed.
Onto round 2. I was supposed to take up a group from Washington, PA to Crue Fest (Motley Crue, Buckcherry, Papa Roach, 6am and Trapt) at Starlake. Just as I was preparing to leave, I get a call from Jenn D. "Eric would you be interested in letting someone ride co-pilot tonight?" Turns out Kelly Z. wanted to make the trek. This was one of the rare times I had an actual front seat on the passenger side so I acquiesced. Plus, I knew the crew I was taking wouldn't mind. Plus, how could anyone deny Kelly the rite of concert passage? It was nice to have company for a change. My usual limo has a plastic control panel where the seat is; thus, making it unsittable.
We made it to Washington at 6pm and picked up 4 fine looking women (Nichole, Gigi, Melanie and Jackie). Two were wild, two were tame. Kelly is wild and I am tame. So it provided a nice balance - 3 wild, 3 tame. So it was me and the 5 hotties - a refreshing change of pace. Took the back road (18 North) to Starlake. The place was pretty full when we arrived, no traffic. I'd say about 18,800 people showed up for this one. A few minutes after we parked in the oversized vehicle section, a massive military looking Hummer parked beside us. 25 guys in their early twenties jumped out of the back. They threw down a keg and a row of them just started pissing in a line-up. Kelly remarked about how one guy was taking a shit underneath the vehicle. This may or may not have happened. I honestly don't know. On the side of the military vehicle, in bold painted lettering, it read "FARM USE." I could already tell that trouble was brewing. These guys were pretty gooned up. I spoke briefly with this one guy wearing a blond wig and he said they lived about ten minutes down the road. Out of the twenty or so, none had tickets. Hmmmm, a bunch of testosterone fucks from the WV/PA border with no tickets and a ton of beer and liquor at a Motley Crue concert. Let's just say that Hurricane Gustav was en route.
We all hung out and enjoyed the sites and sounds. Ran into Scottie and Schneid as well. They'd be the recipients of two freebies compliments of our leader. One elderly blond-fried woman with an ill-fitting green tank top sat down to take a breather. She was trying to simultaneously fight with her husband, slam a beer and reposition her boobs. Another woman in a black leather mini-skirt took a brief piggyback ride atop the shoulders of her boyfriend. Her ass on total display as everyone cheered, jeered and some took photos. A group of girls walked by and engaged all of us. A few wandered next door into the piss fest. One of the girls boyfriend got into an argument with one of the testosterone fucks and ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. Punches started flying and this one dude's nose was bent sideways, blood streaming all over the place. Simutaneously, there were 3 seperate outbreaks. A mob scene slammed into the side of the limo and crushed the side mirror. The lot attendants and parking guys called in for police back up, but that would take a while. Meanwhile, the brawl would continue unabated. Nichole looked at me, "Eric, do something!" I'm like, "Yeah, like what? Dive on top of the brawl? Try to preach Obama themes of peace and tolerance? What the fuck could I have done? I just silently observed and continued making keychains for the girls. Gigi remarked, "Eric, way to go with your knitting!" Well said. This fight seemed to last about 6 minutes. It had an inertia of its own so there wasn't any stopping it. Until the cops all rolled in. 4 cops and more golf cart security. When the pigs entered the fray, I missed a golden opportunity. As people scattered and some took off for the woods, I should have yelled, "PREPARE TO BE FUCKED BY THE LONG DICK OF THE LAW" (from the movie Superbad). That would have rocked the house. Would have.
I neglected to mention that 2 chicks were right in the middle of the brawl. A tattooed blond with a grey tank top was on top of the pile pummelling this one guy with what I'd call "fists of fury, UFC style." I think she was trying to help her boyfriend whose face was being driven into the gravel surface. All in all, they hauled off 4 of the guys. A few bloody faces and 2 broken noses, one severely. The cops interviewed me and I complained about the side mirror and the blood on the limo. They kept asking me who threw punches. I said, "Well, honestly it was a mob scene so it was hard to tell." In reality, the only one I clearly remember throwing punches was the one girl, but I couldn't rat her out. That would have been blatantly assholic. This had to be one of the biggest fights I've ever seen at Starlake. Big on quantity, duration and brutality. Actually, I've seen worse in the brutality department but this one was pretty heavy. From here on out, the fight will be known as Gustav. The fallout of Gustav - one more arrest for failure to obey/disorderly and a few girls crying. My crew went entirely unscathed. Gigi filled out a verbal police report of her own. All I could see was her repeating something to the effect of, "They're all a bunch of assholes." Probably not sustainable testimony in a court of law.
Buckcherry took the stage and we all wandered in. They had seats and we had lawn so we all kind of separated on the way in. Kelly seemed to enjoy the sights and sounds of Buckcherry. I did not. Some tattooed, high stepping freak singer screaming his tunes and talking at length about fucking and ball grabbing. As the final song Crazy Bitch closed out their set, we wandered down to the lower walkway and ran into Nichole and Gigi. They said it was pretty packed in the pavillion, so we opted to refrain fromt he "ticket hand-off sneak down." We ended up on the hill side with fellow limo driver Darryl. Kelly went to the restroom and got "lost" in the process. I took a look for her but didn't have any luck.
All in all, Motley Crue was pretty good. Tommy Lee pulled out the video "TIT E. CAM" and took a sampling of Breasts of Burgettstown. Mildy amusing. They sounded a bit rough. This was the final show of the North American tour and he was a little raspy. Keep in mind, they're all in their late 40's. And Mick Mars looked beyond hideous. The had to trenchcoat and tophat him. Basically, just cover up the entire guy in black so he blends into the background. Mick probably gets my vote for the ugliest rock star of all-time. All the Motorhead guys and even the lead singer of Grim Reaper are more visually appealing.
I left the show a little early and hooked up with Darryl. He informed me that Dick McPherson used to be the head coach of the New England Patriots. Fuck! A golden opportunity to rail on Bill Belicheck to someone with a pertinent opinion. Actually, I've always like Belicheck. Just don't tell anyone. Made it back to the limo and the military Hummer had just exited. Can't complain about that.
All in all, GREAT TIME. GREAT CREW. GOOD CRUE. I think there might be an unwritten chapter in this one. Well, at least I hope so. Time will tell.

McCain

Please forgive my pedestrian poetry and irreverant rhyme
about a man who votes with Bush Jr., 90% of the time

Just some ramblings, in the form of a poem
To honor a man, who just bought a seventh home.

His name I regard, with a great deal of disdain
He lives near my parents, his name's John McCain

His lack of an agenda, is difficult to feign
so all he'll run, is a negative campaign

Obama's celebrity status, is something he mocks
but just look at his wife, with the excessive botox

He has been known, for his straight talk expression
Yet fails to understand, our economic depression

His energy policy is not very thrilling
It consists of three major ideas: drilling, drilling, drilling

His stance on abortion, is easy to decipher
Just what we needed, another pro-lifer

His foreign policy, is difficult to muster
the same Bush nonsense, of courage and bluster

Instead of following Bin Laden to the "fiery gates of hell"
how about searching for Al-Queda in the caves where they dwell

The past two terms, have been really rough
It's time to acknowledge, that EIGHT IS ENOUGH

So tell Johnny Mac, go back to Arizona
remain in the senate, and blabber bologna

Getting grilled at the Met

I just had another rousing experience at the Metropolitan Grill. Mark I. and I just had lunch there. We walked in and the place was pretty slammed. Almost all the tables were full. Saf's mental list of rules and regulations requires that we get there by 11:50am. If you get there after 12pm, the service can be atrocious. This is a direct result of the owner hiring/firing people as though it's a bodily function. Half the staff is new everytime you dine at the Met. Anyway, we blundered and arrived at 12:15pm. I'll take the heat on this one.
A portly male waiter with a well-kept multi-tiered ponytail and a large loop earing sat us at one of those standing tables off to the side but in direct full view of all the patrons. The first thing I noticed was that our table was off-kilter. I remarked, "This is going to bug me." I remedied the situation by removing both of my sandals and surrepticiously placed them beneath each leg. Problem solved as Mark gazed his approval. By the way, as most of you know, I usually dress like a homeless bum. Today this was not the case. I had a nice collared golf shirt on. However, I was wearing a ballcap. This will become relevant later in the story. A strange musical combination of Chaka Khan followed by a Lita Ford/Ozzy Osbourne was on the satellite radio. That song "When I close my eyes forever" is an example of poor dining music. There's good and there's not good. This was not good. Our waiter eventually returned to take our drink order. I had a water w/ lemon and Mark had an iced tea. Both arrived in tact a few minutes later. I remarked that I had serious doubts we'd get a complimentary baucket of bread, even though the "dipping plate" was already on the table. It was just a hunch since I'd never seen this particular waiter there in the past. He came back about 5 mintues later to take our order. I had the yellow fin tuna salad and Mark ordered a steak salad. About 35 minutes later our salads arrived, but with one exception. Mine didn't remotely resemble a salad. In actuality, it was the exact opposite of a salad. It was a plate of bow-tie pasta drenched in an alfredo cream sauce with 2 steak medallions in the middle. I remained silent. The last thing I was going to do was bitch and have it take another half hour to throw some greens on a plate. Mark looked at me and said, "I figured you wouldn't say anything." I repsonded, "Well, what the fuck, if I complain we'll never get the hell outta here. Just give me the food and they make me eat." - something to that affect.
Oddly enough, I was really hungry and the dish itself was pretty damn good. Still no bread though but I could cope with that. About 10 minutes later our waiter came over and discreetly leaned in. I was absolutely POSITIVE he was going to say something like, "I'm so sorry sir, did you order a salad?" Instead, he softly said, "Excuse me sir, you're going to have to put your shoes on." I look at him and replied, "I know, I know. But the table is really wobbly. I had to use the sandals to even it out." He looks back, and says, "Yes, but if the health inspector were to show up, we could all be in a heap of trouble." He looked at me with a slightly more forceful look and said, "Here, allow me. It's just a loose tile." He started lifting up the table so I could retrieve my sandals. And lo and behold, he was right. Problem solved. He said thank you and quickly exited. Mark noticed a guy with a disgusted frown in the distance. I was actually a little embarrased over the incident. But hey, we live in West Virginia, right?
I told Mark, "Jesus Christ, I really thought he was going to apologize for screwing up the order." That's what Mark thought he was going to say as well. I reflected back on the ordering miscue. Perhaps I should have said something. What if someone got a salad instead of a heavy pasta entree? They'd probably be more disappointed and less inclined to let it go. The bill came and Mark paid - probably because he felt I was a shoeless dirtbag and took pity upon my socio-economic standing. To be truthful, I think I got lunch last time.
In appreciation he received my two latest Top 10 t-shirts (Top 10 Vacation Destinations near Wheeling, WV & Top 10 Sex Moves in Wheeling, WV). If you read my blog, but don't read thewimp.org and would like to purchase either or both, just shoot me an email (sonofsaf@hotmail.com) or post a comment and I'll send you paypal instructions. Perhaps my new arch nemesis blogger at the University of Pittsburgh might be intersted in some new attire. Well...., maybe not.
And we still never got any bread.

How to defeat McCain

After the VP running mates have been chosen and the dust settles from the conventions, the real race for the presidency will begin. There will be the continual punch, counterpunch and the constant attacks regarding experience, taxes and all the other issues. But let's face it, the candidates represent both the left and right of the political spectrum, so it's common sense to conclude that pretty much everyone has already decided who they'll vote for. However, there's still about 5-10% of the voters who haven't chosen a candidate. I would refer to this segment as "people who faithfully vote but honestly don't have an active interest in politics." They go to work, pay their taxes and raise their family but just aren't interested in the political scene. They quietly conclude; well, I'll vote because it's my civic duty but it really doesn't make a difference anyway. Perhaps they have a point. These people represent a VERY important segment of the voting population, especially this year. These are the voters you need to sway - the tiny fraction of undecideds.
It seems as though the Republican strategy will be to make Obama look like a celebrity who doesn't have the necessary experience. He'll raise your taxes and prematurely withdraw from Iraq. They'll try to make it a generally negative campaign about HIM. Probably a wise strategy.
The Dems will try to tie McCain to the past 8 years of the failed Bush administration. They'll portray him to some extent as a war-monger who wants to attack Iran, give further tax breaks to big oil companies and basically follow in the footsteps of Bush/Cheney. Considering the current unpopularity of Bush, that's probably the right way to go. And of course they'll push the change agenda.
So the attacks will continue back and forth. The 3 presidential debates could provide a huge opportunity for success or failure. The candidates will be well-prepped for just about anything but the most obscure issues. However, I think there's an opening for Obama on a critical issue that you rarely hear discussed in the media - THE OVER-REACHING POWER OF
THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH under the Bush/Cheney administration. I think here's where Obama could really put the nail in McCain's coffin. Whether or not you agree with the invasion/occupation/liberation of Iraq, almost everyone could agree on one point. The policy was set forth by Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld and their cohorts. They set the agenda and had the CIA wrap the intelligence around it. I'm not going to debate whether they were right or wrong, or whether the invasion of Iraq was a success or failure. But I think the vast majority of the country would agree that Bush has upset the checks and balances of the three branches of our government. This has led to increased partisanship, diviseness and vitriole between the major parties.
If Obama could make this case and explain that if he were elected, an Obama administration would take immediate action to restore the checks and balances of our govt., I think it would resonate with voters. Hey, here's a guy seeking the presidency who's genuinely worried about the abuse of the executive branch. If we elect him, he'll go to great lengths to ensure that our president acts within the confines of the constitution and not as a king or despot. He's actually willing to roll back the power of the presidency. Obama could also bring up the rampant cronyism that revolves around Bush and the all the poor appontiments, failed cabinet positions and a huge list of premature resignations.
This strategy is good for 2 big reasons - A. McCcain won't know what hit him and how to defend himself. He'll be totally unprepared for this line of attack. B. It would successfully tie McCain to the past 8 years of Bush/Cheney - this is the recipe for a grand slam. It also crushes any remaining appeal that McCain had as a maverick. You might be thinking, oh Saf, this kind of constitutional mumbo jumbo won't appeal to anyone. I totally disagree. After months of hearing the back and forth about taxes, gas prices, mortgage foreclosures, etc. blah, YOU NEED A NEW ISSUE. You'd have to frame the argument well. I think Obama and his team could convey it without sounding too egalitarian. This argument TRANSCENDS the political tit-for-tat and would dominate the news cycle. Trust me, MCain would be look like a deer in highlights. It would only work in the debates and you'd have to choose your timing. I suppose it would work in a town hall setting as well, which would be devastating to McCain.
Once again, I'm not trying to make the argument that Bush has been good or bad (trust me, he's totally incompetent and has never grasped or understood the magnitude of the office). I just think this would be a homerun for Obama. It's a no lose proposition for him. It also ties in well with the repetitive notions of "change" and "a new forward looking future." Plus, it would set a new precedent after 8 years of dictating policy rather than developing policy. Obmam would be regarded as thoughtful and contemplaitve rather than brash and arrogant, like McCain/Bush. It also helps Obama get away with nuanced stances on a myriad of major issues, which could be a problem for him as election day draws close should the Republican 527s unleash aanother wave of "flip-flop" ads which absolutely killed John Kerry in 2004.

fuck da police

Monday night was the long anticipated arrival of The Police at Starlake. I think this concert was announced about 8 months ago so there would be sufficient time to cultivate a buzz. Trust me, they truly required the 240 day build-up. I zipped up with Heather and Jess and we met up with Justin/Jenn (celebrity name - Justezer or D-Rector, haven't decided) and Gary/Ashley (celebrity name Ashwell). We did some stealth tailgating and snagged a bunch of tickets - most for about 20 bucks which wasn't too bad. Face was $49 for lawn. Gary snagged two comp freebies from a radio station rep. The last time I saw that much exhiliration was when Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the face.
Let me preface my comments about The Police. I'm a huge fan. Always have been. This was one of the big shows I was looking forward to seeing all summer. I've seen Sting about ten times. He opened for the Dead during the summer of 1993 at all their stadium shows. So I saw him about 6 or 7 times and I saw him do a few solo shows, mostly of the Starlake variety. Anyway, about 10 years ago I was exiting the concert and having a discussion with a group near the car. I asked them if they enjoyed the concert and this one guy proclaims, "Sting is the patron saint of mediocrity." This line blew me away. Where did he come up with this? Turns out he was a writer for a local paper. I aksed him if he was going to use that phrase in his concert review and he replied negative. He liked the line but didn't think it would go over well with his readership. At the time, I was taken aback. I had thought it was a great concert and couldn't understand the negativity. Now, ten years later, I GET IT.
Let me first say, The Police sounded good (technically). You've got Stewart Copeland. One of the best drummers in the history of rock'n'roll. They're all respectable musicians and songwriters. But for the sake of Christ, they were totally uninspired. Totally just going through the motions. I suppose this could be inevitable since they all despise each other and were about 3 months into their tour. And their setlist was borderline abysmal. I honestly could have constructed a way better list. And Sting must be the most "humbly pompous" singer out there. The guy is beyond melodramatic. I can't stand the song Roxanne and I'm beginning to think he hates it too. I think he purposely drags out every syllable in a feeble attempt to mock and ridicule the crowd. It's just plain weird.
I'm sure everyone else who saw this show thought it was wonderful. They would be wrong. The "you've just been asked to exit the stage Price is Right music kicks in" - BUMP-BUMP-BAH-BOHM.
The highlight for me was leaving the parking lot. Flew right through the center, violently weaving through all the parked cars. When we finally needed to hit the main exit line, I got a perfectly timed assist from fellow limo driver Darryl in the White Top Lincoln. That made me feel a little better. Heather was kind enough to take shotgun and immediately passed out, so I had to strain my neck talking to Jess in the backseat for the 40 minute zip back home.
I think Public Enemy had it right all along - FUCK DA POLICE !

Bargain

Saturday night was the concert I wanted to see all summer. The Foo Fighters were playing at University of Pittsburgh in Oakland at the Peterson Events Center. I'd never been there but knew it was a high-end, state of the art venue. I was supposed to go with Stollar, but she had to bail. I think she had to run her boyfriend a bath. No big deal. I asked Jess if she wanted to go. Couldn't get out of work early. Then I asked my favorite ex-neighbor Meredith. Couldn't get a hold of her. Then, I figured that I'm a big boy. I've been to Pittsburgh over 500 times. I'll just accept the harsh reality that I'm a LOSER and head up all by myself. I left around 5pm. Pittsburgh is a mess these days, with the North Shore closed and single lane traffic coming off the ramps of Oakland. I wanted to get up there early and perhaps do a little tailgating. I parked on the street and headed to The O. Snagged a corned beef sandwich and ate it en route back to the car. Snagged a lower level single ticket for $20 off some dude. I then ran into my favorite scalper - Tim. Hung out with him for a while. He wasn't making shit, so we just discussed the nature of the crowd, how there was no tailgating scene and how the venue is really sharp, but it seemed like people were gathering for a church service, not a rock concert. I sat on the steps and watched the procession outside the main entrance. Way too orderly. People were barely even speaking, let alone partying. I thought to myself - is this really a Foo Fighters concert or did I get the wrong night and it's Enya or Bjork or Michael Bolton or some other fuck?
I ran into some Shadyside guys who hang at the Tiger Pub. They praised my foosball skills even though I was the first one eliminated in the tournament earlier in the week. I had a good partner too. We just couldn't git'r'dun (Shady Hole Cracker Town style). Sometimes these things happen. I also saw Lou and I'm guessing his girlfriend's kids.
Anyway, I decided to skip the opening act Supergrass even though I like them. Instead, I decided to focus on my water bottle of cheap red wine. I went in at the break and went toward my seat. Just as I'm about to sit down I run into the indomitable couple of Kerri F and Mike Vis-Wis. I hadn't seen these two in a few years. We talked about old times and I showed them my 1992 drivers license. That's always a good way to get the party started. I resemble a dirtball convict with oversized shaded glases and some kind of ill-formed mullett. Then, I saw Kevin R. and his buddy behind me. So, even though my loserdom status was evident, at least I felt like I was amongst friends and part of the normal concertgoing crowd.
The week earlier, I had hosted a party and we listened to The Who tribute concert on VH1 featuring Foo Fighters, Pearl Jam, Incubus and a few others doing Who cover songs. The two songs that stood out were obviously from my two top bands. The Foo Fighters and the lead singer of Supergrass did a version of Bargain that I just couldn't get out my head for a week, Pearl Jam did The Real Me which also kicked varying degrees of ass.
I was very tempted to google the setlist from the Cleveland show the previous night. I had resisted temptation but was too curious to see if they'd play Bargain. Anyway, I succumbed and just like Jehovah or Ezekial or some religious freak once said, "Lo and behold, there it was." BARGAIN - the second song of three in the encore. Well, no skipping out early on this one. I figured I'd exit just before they closed the show with Generator. That's cool because I'm not a huge fan of that song.
Our seats were pretty good. Standard lower level, directly across from the main stage. As expected, Dave Grohl was in standard form. Screaming his lungs off at just about every opportunity. For those who've seen the band, they know what I'm talking about. "ALRIGHT, ARE YOU READY, HERE WE GO, RRRROOOOOAAARRRRR." If you've seen them, you get it. If you haven't; Well, just stick with your bubblegum Good Charlotte emo-pop shit because you suck and I find you loathsome. They had an acoustic stage set up right in front of us. They played a few tunes a little over halfway through the show on that stage. Marigold is a killer tune. Skin and Bones is not. And they played another poor one which the drummer sang. Grohl had an amusing anecdote where he spoke of his family and band members which were from the surrounding area outside the Burgh. He mentioned a cheap hotel in Breezewood where they'd go on family vacations. You know, the kind of hotel where you eat a large bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken while the hookers venture in and out. Much funnier than my rendition.
As expected, the entire show ROCKED. I'm actually glad they played indoors. It had been a while since I'd seen a real rock band in an summer indoors arena style show. Pealr Jam at Mellon arena 2 years ago was probably it. They ripped into Bargain near the end. Definitely the highlight among about a dozen highlights. I bolted immediately and zipped out of Oakland in record time. Back in Wheeling to hit the Alpha and the Ho with a friend. My evening ended around 4am. There's a few hours in there that shall remain unblogged. Whew. What a night.
So here's the moral of the story. Even if you're a loser, try not to lose out.

tree

Last night was very unusual. I'm hanging with my neighbors and then head up to watch the movie Superbad (which was hysterical). Around 11pm I get a call from our mutual friend Kimmie. She sounds as though she's hyperventilating. "A tree has fallen through Becky's house. It went right through the roof. There was a fire but we put it out. You gotta get down here. Bring some wine. Everyone's freaking out." At first I thought she was playing a practical joke since we had been discussing tree issues earlier that day. Then I realize it's not a joke. I'm thinking - oh no, not again. A tree from a sliver of my property fell on their place last summer. AEP was there the entire day cutting down a bunch of trees. I figured the matter had been resolved. No fuckin' way.
I zip down and park my car. Jake is showing me the damage which was pretty bad. The tree took out their entire grill and patio. Part of the same tree went through their upstairs bathroom as well. A hunk of tree went crashing through their roof. There's a sizeable hole in their bathrrom wall and debris everywhere. The only fortunate thing is that the tree came from my one neighbor's property (not the asshole, the reclusive woman below). That made me feel a little relieved. Jake and I start walking up the street to inspect the downed tree and the accompanying damage. 10 seconds later we start to hear this loud cracking noise. I yell, "Let's get the fuck outta here." Jake responds, "Oh, that's nothing. What are you worrying about?" I start running down the hill as the second half of the tree comes crashing down. It fell straight across the driveway nearly taking out the precious gate of the asshole neighbor. It crushes the power line and sparks start flying. The power to the entire street (as well as National Road) goes out instantly. Jake and I are freaking out and discussing how we both almost got crushed by the tree. This thing is huge. Honestly, it was a matter of ten seconds or we both would have been pummelled into the pavement.
All the neighbors are outside and we start discussing the irony of the situation. How the tree almost killed us. How it didn't hit asshole's gate. How both my and Jake's car almost were crushed and neither of us have personal coverage. How I used to park right where the tree came crashing down until a couple weeks ago when my asshole neighbor put up a split rail fence to shunt my regular parking endeavors. It made for some unusual conversation.
Anyway, we adjourn to the porch, or if you prefer, poach. Eventually, I head back up to my place throuuh the cemetary. For some reason, the cemetary gate is closed, as if there weren't enough strange gate issues for the night. I just had to crash out. Anyway, I woke up around 4:30am when the power came back on. Oddly enough, Superbad is back on tv. That's some funny shit.

new odds on Hillary

Well, the odds on Hillary to win the Democratic nomination have now jumped to 49-1. Think about it. That's 20 bucks to win a GRAND. Of course, you have to reconcile the untimely death of Obama or his withdrawal from the race. I remember the Clinton campaign alluding to a nuclear option early in the campaign. They insinuated that they had some "dirt" on Obama but would never use it. Whether or not this is true is very debatable. They may have just wanted to try and scare some votes her way. But what if they do have some dirt - proof that Obama had a threesome, an extramarital affair, video of him kicking a midget in the balls... who knows, it could be anything. I could even envision the Clintons leaking it to the press (right after the Obama team pays off her campaign debt of course). That will be what I refer to as crunch time. Actually, just a little bit before the debt is retired so it doesn't arouse too much suspicion. Just take an objective look at the Clintons and think who we're really dealing with.
Anyway, the Democratic National Convention is August 25-28. So I'm thinking about placing the wager in about a week or so. I can't fathom the odds getting much better than 49-1. Incidentally, Al Gore is also 49-1. Just rememeber, if the whole bet was so ludicrous and unfathomable, there wouldn't be people out there currently betting on it.

political wager

Every once in a while, I check out the political odds of various candidates on World Sports Exchange. Obviously, McCain and Obama are currently the respective nominees. I wouldn't waste time betting on either. The odds are basically 2:1 in favor of Obama. However, I thought it was intriguing that you can still bet on Hillary Clinton to win the Democratic nomination. The money line on Hildog is -3233. That means you wager $100 to win over $3233. You can also bet on Al Gore. His line is $100 to win $6500. All the other prior contenders are $100 to win $9,900 and there's zero interest out there (on people like Richardson, Biden, Dodd, etc). They offer the money lines by purchasing futures contracts which I've never done before. I've placed future bets but never bought contracts. In any event, it probably doesn't take rocket scientist. All you have to do is click the button.
Why am I yapping about this shit when Obama has already clinched the Democratic nomination? And why are there still a few stragglers out there betting on Hillary to win the Dem. nomination (not the presidency, just the nomination). Why? Why? Because for the past few months, I keep thinking Obama is going to end up dead. If he gets killed, who does the nomination suddenly fall to. Well, obviously it would go to Hillary. It's not as though the entire Democratic party would remain silent. They'd offer her up in less than an hour. Keep in mind, she doesn't have to win the presdiency, just the nomination.
For a brief moment, reflect on all the political assassinations (and attempted assassinations) in our recent history and around the world. More important, think about all the red states where Obama is going to concentrate his campaign. Confederate states like Georgia, North Carolina, Virginia, Arkansas, Louisiana, etc. These are states with lots of lingering racist undertones. States where Democratic candidates haven't made an active effort in since the 1960's. All it takes is one nutcase. This country has about 1 million legitimate nutcases and I would imagine most of them have guns.
Anyway, here's the reality. There are a few people out there buying futures contracts on Hillary. If Obama ends up dead, those Hillary contracts are going to be worth a shitload of money. And what about the outside possiblity of him just dying from a heart attack or other natural cause? And isn't he planning trips to Iraq, Israel and a few other middle Eastern countries in the near term? Not exactly places that will welcome him with open arms.
Isn't it risky to place a long shot bet on these gambling websites? What if they don't pay out? It's certainly a possibility but I have a reasonable amount of faith in world sports exchange. I've won a few long shots and the money was credited instantaneously. In any event, I trust this site and its often ranked #1 or #2 in the world. They're officialy licensed in England via Antigua. That's where many have their servers - Barbados, Costa Rica, Belize and other Caribbean countries.
So here's the deal. I think I might give this a shot. Now is probably the time. I doubt the odds will increase much further. They seem relatively stagnant at this point. The major point is that Hillary doesn't have to win the presidency, just the nomination. If you think I'm a crackhead, feel free to let me know. If you think I may have a legitimate idea and would consider participating, let me know asap. The sooner, the better. Or maybe I should say, the sooner, the bettor.
Incidentally, I still plan on voting for Obama and desparetely hope he is our next commander-in-chief. After 8 years of dumbshit and Cheney, this country could needs a hero. One final disclaimer - This whole wager is based solely on a long-shot conceptual gambling hunch with some basic Political Science 101 theory thrown in. Nothing more. I'm even thinking of changing my middle name to Hussein... Well, maybe not.

bounty

It's official. We're in a recession, no duh. High gas prices, slumping housing market, corporate layoffs, Dick Cheney's sagging ballsack, soaring health care costs, etc. But what's the solution?
John McCain inspired us all by offering a one time payout of 300 million dollars to anyone who can create the perfect battery fueled zero-emission automobile. He also offered up the "gas tax holiday" so everyone could save 15 cents a gallon for a month or so. Both these ideas suck for a myriad of reasons too numerous to expound upon.
Anyway, I was watching some AWA Wrestling from the mid 1980's a week ago and it gave me a stellar idea. Remember how they used to put "a bounty on the head of someone" - it was basically a cash payout for knocking someone unconscious or maybe drawing blood if the wrestler had a pretty face. I think the most notable bounties in wrestling history were placed upon Tommy "Wildfire" Rich and "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes (but they were both WCW and that's largely irrelevant).

So here is my proposition...
I have decided to place a bounty of $100 on the popcorn machine at TJ's Sportsgarden & Restaraunt at 808 National Road, Wheeling, WV. You're probably asking, "what the fuck is he talking about? How do you beat up a popcorn machine at a low-end restaurant?" Here's how to collect - this bounty has a few specifics. All the steps must be acquired on video and youtubed.

Step 1 - Start getting drunk at the 19th Ho.
Step 2 - Stagger over to TJ's.
Step 3 - Walk in the entrance and throw up in their popcorn machine.

An extra $20 bonus payment can be acquired if, post-vomit, you give everyone in the restaurant the "suck it" sign. That means forming an "X" with your arms over the crotchal region while simultaneously yelling "suck it" or "let's get ready to suck it."

Note: The amount of puke must be semi-verifiable via the videotaped footage. I'm not demanding measuring cups but I'm not paying out if someone just goes over there and starts spitting/hacking in the popcorn machine.

So there you go. It's out there. Let's give this slumping Wheeling economy a kick in the ass. Remember the words of our outgoing mayor, "Think not what Wheeling can do for you. Think what you can do for Wheeling!"

dream in AZ about MN

I made it to Phoenix late yesterday. Very bumpy flight over the midwest. I guess there was some really bad weather, thus a good straight hour of turbulence. Made it impossible to sleep even though I've been running on empty for the past week. Anyway, all is well. Folks are good. My niece Amy broke her wrist but seemed to be handling it well.
However, I had another strange dream last night. I dreamt that I was an engineer overseeing a vast network of bridges and underground trains for the city of Minneapolis. I would have to assume that the city of Minneapolis somehow relates to my brother's wife Lynn (that's where she's from). Anyway, there's about a dozen peope in a board room and I unveil a futuristic plan for the transportation infrastructure of the city. There's a bunch of ooohs and ahhhs when I unveil the main sketch. Basically, there is a network of bridges that resemble the top of Mellon Arena. I'd say about 16 bridges or so that all lead to the top of the city. They all interconnect at the top dead-center location above the heart of the city. But there's nothing at the top. Beneath the city is about half the amount of trains (probably 8) which also interconnect beneath the city. These train routes lack the curvature of the bridges - much more straight and direct. And that's pretty much how it ends - just me unveiling some kind of futuristic plan to a city council.
I would have to assume that all this relates to me seeing my brother's wife Amy. Perhaps it's about the paths our family has taken and how they all merge back to a common location. The strange thing is that nothing much happens in the dream - only the symbolic imagery of the paths of bridges and trains, up above and down below. My other dreams have had very specific imagery and events. This one seemed more generalized. Maybe it has something to do with establishing boundaries, personal directions and familial pathways through life. At least that's my guess.

Alright...

Alright, so I went to the Dave Matthews Starlake opener last night. It was also his summer kickoff show. Honestly, I had no idea I was going, let alone driving. I met up with Heather and Sarah at the salsafied cafe and was convinced to attend. Then, encouraged to play the usual role of limo driver, except, via Subaru. Our group was semi-disorganized, yet sturdy and determined. Fortunately, I cleaned out my car the day before - it was a pig sty. We made it to the lot around 6pm and hooked up with The Dub and his crew. Nearby was Jenn, Amanda and her crew. Taligated for a bit and I snagged a mail order ticket off some dude in the lot for $20. I thought about working the buy and sell angle but just didn't feel like it. Jenn was envious of my mail order ticket and wanted to trade for her standard one. I declined - an omen of things to come.
They all went into the show as I finished off a beer. When I went to the old lady scanning the tickets, she scanned and it came back negative. No fucking beep noise. "Are you kidding me?" She looks down at the ticket and explains it's for Saturday, the following night. I'm a little astonished. I never bothered to check the date. I just assumed it was a go, especially since it was a mail order. So I gather my wits and head back to the dumpster area and look for a ticket. Very little action at this point, since it was going into the third song. I ran into this one guy and he offers me a ticket for $30. I try to get him down to $20, but I'm tired of haggling and I give him the thirty. I bum another beer, drink it, and head down to the same old lady. "Alright, let's try this one." She scans it. No fuckin' beep. She softly explains, "I'm sorry sir, this ticket has already been used." This time I'm pissed, not at her, but at myself. I let that fuckhead sell me a used ticket. UNBELIEVABLE. What am I? Some kind of concert going newbie.
Anyway, I take a deep breath and head back to the car. There's group of 4 people hanging out near my car in the VIP lot. They sense my dismay and this one guy asks me, "Hey, what's up?" I respond, "You don't want to know." This guys is just like me, looking for a floorshow or some side entertainment. I go into the prolonged explanation of how I got a ticket for the wrong night and then bunked. His girlfreind says they have an extra and she insists on giving it to me. He tries to charge me for it but she insists. Alright, so I get miracled at a DMB show and the original Saturday mail order ticket is still usable, even though it was scanned.
I missed about 5 songs but made up for it with about 3 extra beers. I squirmed my way to the box seats where my original crew was. KILLER seats. Definitely among the best. As for the show itself, hats off too Jenn D. for calling the Don't Drink The Water opener. She studies these DMB setlists though. I blame myself. I think she takes after me with the Dead setlists.
I thought the show could have been a bit stronger song-wise but there was some great energy. I don't care for Grey Street as one of their closer songs. I thought the encore would be the song about his sister, but I was thinking Grace is Gone - it turned out to be the other song about his sister. I was surprised by the small crowd. The grass lot and VIP sections were a little over half full. Kind of low for a nice weather Friday night. Maybe it's the economy, but hey, isn't Dave the king of the rich-white-college-girl crowd? That's actualy why I like him - DMB is a marketing machine. F'in A.
The ride home took an extra half hour. I'm not going to explore this part of the night in print. Dropped everyone off at the house and hit the Alpha. I'm taking my crew up to Pittsburgh today. They just want dropped off and they're going to dinner and the Penguins game #4. I'll pick them up around midnight. Guess where I'll be in the interim? That's right - round 2. Can't let that ticket go to waste. I think it may be the first time in the history of Starlake that someone shows up in an empty limo. Dare to dream...