In light of the recent death of Terri Schiavo, I thought it might be advisable to convey a few thoughts. I'm not sure a feeding tube is fair game for a restaurant review column, but this blog sometimes follows a meandering protocol. Here we go...
The manner in which the right wing, Christian pro-life fundamentilists portrayed Michael Schiavo was absolutely disgusting. The way half our US Senate tried to use this dreadful incident to increase their political capital was even more abhorrent. Some idiot Portugese Cardinal or high-up in the church (I really don't care or honor the distinctions that make someone a pope, bishop, cardinal or whatever - those are some pretty embarrassing discrepancies) said today that the death of Terri Schiavo was an "Attack against God". What on earth qualifies this as mainstream news?
Wouldn't it be the ultimate irony if the pope, who appears to be in the process of getting his own feeding tube, undergoes similar "life-preserving" procedures and ends up totally incapacitated? Sometimes things really do come full circle on this planet. Considering the FACT that the pope encourages and is largely responsible for the denial of womens' rights on an unprecedented scale all across the globe, I think it would be a fitting tribute to his legacy to end up in a similar state of existence. I secretly hope (well I really don't keep it a secret) that they end up wheeling the pope to his window for mass hooked up to a ventilator, feeding tube, and whatever other medical contraption they can find. Then, he could be the one blinking, belching and farting as millions find comfort in his "wisdom". Wait a minute, isn't that pretty much what he does right now.
Although this may sound like a tirade against the Catholic Church and the pope, it really isn't. I assure you that I'm an equal opportunity basher of all the worlds' great religions. Don't despair and don't take offense. I have respect for most people, but absolutely no tolerance for the organized religious brainwashing process that starts from day one. Holy water???? Give me a fuckin' break. I'd much rather be doused with Dewars.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Monday, March 28, 2005
Charlie Chan / Panda
There used to be a fast food Chinese place at the Ohio Valley Mall called Charlie Chan. They closed down for a few months and reopened as "Panda". Oddly enough, the menu and the set-up remained exactly the same. Panda closed down a few years ago and I'm not sure what it is these days. It might be a pretzel shop or something.
Charlie Chan was notorious for bringing bad Chinese food to the people of Belmont County. Fortunately, the good people of Eastern Ohio are not able to discern what constitutes good or bad "Americanized-Chinese food" - a blessing in disguise. Spring rolls and egg rolls are the same thing. Those little fried noodles that accompany Wonton soup are properly referred to as Fritos. Over half the patrons do not understand the term MSG. If you ask, most will stare blankly and say uhhh, Madison Square Garden.
One of my biggest gripes about any Chinese restaurant are the placemats. They all have that Chinese zodiac which dates all the way up to 2060 - just in case you're big on advance planning and don't want your future daughter Shameka to be labeled a turtle. OOOOhhhh, you are friends with the rabbit, your enemy is the dog. Do not trust the rooster. I think this is where George Bush derives his diplomatic skills when dealing with foreign leaders. I'm not sure, but I'd be willing to bet that Osama is a snake.
Anyway, the menu had some really dumb names. The combos were all called, Number One Son, Number Two Son, Number Three Son, etc. As if saying those names is not humiliating enough, you could always say "Mmmmm, I'll have the Chicken Chan." This was a some of the whitest chicken breast meat I have ever seen. Served on a stick, it probably had more steroids pumped into it than Barry Bonds.
The seating was interesting. There was a triangle table in the middle which sat 3. Then, there were 5 stools on the side. The strange thing was that you had to eat facing the wall with your back turned to everything. You were forced to sit and stare directly into the wall. You rarely see a restaurant with maximum seating of 8. Makes you wonder what the maximum occupancy for the firecode would have been.
Another thing, none of the cooks (there was only one "cook") were Asian. You'd place your order at the counter and then you'd hear somoeone dumping the crap into a deep fryer. There was none of the traditional Chinese music in the background. Instead, you get the Rick Dees American countdown. Coming in at Number 3 was Nu Shoes... I Can't Wait.
Charlie Chan was notorious for bringing bad Chinese food to the people of Belmont County. Fortunately, the good people of Eastern Ohio are not able to discern what constitutes good or bad "Americanized-Chinese food" - a blessing in disguise. Spring rolls and egg rolls are the same thing. Those little fried noodles that accompany Wonton soup are properly referred to as Fritos. Over half the patrons do not understand the term MSG. If you ask, most will stare blankly and say uhhh, Madison Square Garden.
One of my biggest gripes about any Chinese restaurant are the placemats. They all have that Chinese zodiac which dates all the way up to 2060 - just in case you're big on advance planning and don't want your future daughter Shameka to be labeled a turtle. OOOOhhhh, you are friends with the rabbit, your enemy is the dog. Do not trust the rooster. I think this is where George Bush derives his diplomatic skills when dealing with foreign leaders. I'm not sure, but I'd be willing to bet that Osama is a snake.
Anyway, the menu had some really dumb names. The combos were all called, Number One Son, Number Two Son, Number Three Son, etc. As if saying those names is not humiliating enough, you could always say "Mmmmm, I'll have the Chicken Chan." This was a some of the whitest chicken breast meat I have ever seen. Served on a stick, it probably had more steroids pumped into it than Barry Bonds.
The seating was interesting. There was a triangle table in the middle which sat 3. Then, there were 5 stools on the side. The strange thing was that you had to eat facing the wall with your back turned to everything. You were forced to sit and stare directly into the wall. You rarely see a restaurant with maximum seating of 8. Makes you wonder what the maximum occupancy for the firecode would have been.
Another thing, none of the cooks (there was only one "cook") were Asian. You'd place your order at the counter and then you'd hear somoeone dumping the crap into a deep fryer. There was none of the traditional Chinese music in the background. Instead, you get the Rick Dees American countdown. Coming in at Number 3 was Nu Shoes... I Can't Wait.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
BREAD
Who among us does not enjoy a fresh baked loaf of bread? Bread was a staple of the Israelites. It's high in carbs but that probably wasn't a concern when they were fleeing the evil Pharoah. Speaking of religious tales, I have some complaints about organized religion and biblical nonsense that need to be told.
First of all, here's the big one. One of the most embarrasing aspects of religion is that it's SO fatalistic. Everything is always in "God's hands". This sickens me, not because I don't believe in gods, ghosts, and goblins, but rather because it serves as an all-purpose excuse for the horrific actions of man. Rather than blame the leader of a country for the senseless slaughter of millions, people can always say "Well, it's up to the Lord. He will guide us." What kind of inexcusable gibberish is this? How can an educated person get away with crap like this? Where's the culpability? Where's the rationality? Why do people instantly become such absolute dumbfucks when they invoke the higher power?
When you think about it, the existence of organized religion is surely the CRUELEST HOAX EVER PERPETUATED ON MANKIND. It's main function throughout the ages has been to serve as a divisive killing machine. Why is it a hoax? It's a hoax because there's no CREDIBILITY.
The worst possible scenario is when you come across a biology professor who teaches evolution and professes a belief in the supernatural. ANYONE WHO DENIES THE EVOLUTION OF MANKIND IS A FOOL.
My favorite is when someone says, "Don't you understand that evolution is just a theory?" How come there currently aren't apes "turning into man?" How do you reason with such idiots?
I realize that a lot of this may seem like argumentum ad hominum - that I'm not justifying my statements and just lashing out, but every once in a while this stuff really builds up.
I'll try to avoid these future tirades. After all, this is supposed to be about restaurant reviews.
One more thought, people either believe in the existence of a supreme being or they don't. I think an increasing number of people really don't care either way and an even greater amount will simply say "I don't know" - When people ask me, "Do you believe in God?" I respond by not only saying, no I don't, but I attempt to explain that I think the question itself is very humiliating. You're basically asking me if I am a complete moron. At least that's how I interpret the question these days. It's time for people who reject religious nonsense to become more aggressive and assertive with their contempt. There needs to be a better balance. It currently tips way too far in the other direction. Everyday people get away with spewing absolute nonsense. I'm just saying that it's the RESPONSIBILITY of the non-believer to take a stronger stance. You do the world a disservice by remaining silent.
First of all, here's the big one. One of the most embarrasing aspects of religion is that it's SO fatalistic. Everything is always in "God's hands". This sickens me, not because I don't believe in gods, ghosts, and goblins, but rather because it serves as an all-purpose excuse for the horrific actions of man. Rather than blame the leader of a country for the senseless slaughter of millions, people can always say "Well, it's up to the Lord. He will guide us." What kind of inexcusable gibberish is this? How can an educated person get away with crap like this? Where's the culpability? Where's the rationality? Why do people instantly become such absolute dumbfucks when they invoke the higher power?
When you think about it, the existence of organized religion is surely the CRUELEST HOAX EVER PERPETUATED ON MANKIND. It's main function throughout the ages has been to serve as a divisive killing machine. Why is it a hoax? It's a hoax because there's no CREDIBILITY.
The worst possible scenario is when you come across a biology professor who teaches evolution and professes a belief in the supernatural. ANYONE WHO DENIES THE EVOLUTION OF MANKIND IS A FOOL.
My favorite is when someone says, "Don't you understand that evolution is just a theory?" How come there currently aren't apes "turning into man?" How do you reason with such idiots?
I realize that a lot of this may seem like argumentum ad hominum - that I'm not justifying my statements and just lashing out, but every once in a while this stuff really builds up.
I'll try to avoid these future tirades. After all, this is supposed to be about restaurant reviews.
One more thought, people either believe in the existence of a supreme being or they don't. I think an increasing number of people really don't care either way and an even greater amount will simply say "I don't know" - When people ask me, "Do you believe in God?" I respond by not only saying, no I don't, but I attempt to explain that I think the question itself is very humiliating. You're basically asking me if I am a complete moron. At least that's how I interpret the question these days. It's time for people who reject religious nonsense to become more aggressive and assertive with their contempt. There needs to be a better balance. It currently tips way too far in the other direction. Everyday people get away with spewing absolute nonsense. I'm just saying that it's the RESPONSIBILITY of the non-believer to take a stronger stance. You do the world a disservice by remaining silent.
Friday, March 18, 2005
Lebanon Bakery
I ate there today. I don't give many favorable reviews, but I really like The Lebanon Bakery. It's probably one of the healthier places to dine. Great salads, questionable wedding soup, decent meat pies, good desserts, etc. Nothing negative to say. I even like the building as well as the location. Speaking of the location, it's located right next to the infamous MY CLUB. For those of you who don't know, the My Club is one of the oldest, proudest strip clubs in the area. It closed down about 9 months ago and rumor has it that the city is going to purchase the building and an adjacent lot. Appraised at $40,000, the city (in its infinite wisdom) is apparently offering $110,000.
My favorite My Club experience happened in the early 1990's. I did not witness this particular event - I read about it in the Wheeling Today section of the newspaper. Apparently, a woman (probably a prostitute) was being assualted by 2 men, so she "picked up a dead raccoon and started flailing it madly at her attackers". The alleged assailants quickly fled the area. This is all we know.
Although they rarely advertised, the My Club had a wide range of events...
Monday - C Section Night
Tuesday - Dental Improvement Night
Wednesday - Bring your 2 kids to work
Thursday - Celebrity bartenders! Featuring the clients of Russell Nesbitt
Friday - Amateur night (this could feasibly apply to every night)
Saturday - Special guest appearance by Sally Struthers. Meathead will be signing autographs at the bar.
Sunday - Menstrual Night
Speaking of menstruation, I had this corpulent neighbor in Oglebay Village. One day, she looked at me and said, "Eric, I'm not menstruating, I'm marinating." True story. I'll leave it at that.
My favorite My Club experience happened in the early 1990's. I did not witness this particular event - I read about it in the Wheeling Today section of the newspaper. Apparently, a woman (probably a prostitute) was being assualted by 2 men, so she "picked up a dead raccoon and started flailing it madly at her attackers". The alleged assailants quickly fled the area. This is all we know.
Although they rarely advertised, the My Club had a wide range of events...
Monday - C Section Night
Tuesday - Dental Improvement Night
Wednesday - Bring your 2 kids to work
Thursday - Celebrity bartenders! Featuring the clients of Russell Nesbitt
Friday - Amateur night (this could feasibly apply to every night)
Saturday - Special guest appearance by Sally Struthers. Meathead will be signing autographs at the bar.
Sunday - Menstrual Night
Speaking of menstruation, I had this corpulent neighbor in Oglebay Village. One day, she looked at me and said, "Eric, I'm not menstruating, I'm marinating." True story. I'll leave it at that.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Kroger Salad Bar
Half the people in the U.S. incorrectly refer to Kroger as "Krogers". I am one of them. Maybe it's not a big deal, but what if one day, everyone starts saying "Giant Eagles" or "Food Lions". Then again, many among us say "Piggly Wigglies" even though I'm pretty sure it's just Piggly Wiggly. I hope that place went bankrupt - I find it disturbing that anyone would purchase food at something called Piggly Wiggly, with the exception of people from Mississippi and Alabama.
On the average, the Kroger produce dept. is pretty bad. I suppose it's ok if you want to buy a stalk of celery or a bag of carrots, but have you ever checked out the area on the left. Mangy zucchini, limp snow peas, discolored mushrooms and my personal favorite - a lone basket of 5 artichokes reasonably priced at $3.99 per choke. I know, I know - it's not artichoke season.
As for the actual salad bar, it's probably the best place to assemble your own salad. In Ohio County, not many options exist for those who want to add beets or chick peas. After all, beets tend to be red, and the color red is an instrument of Satan. I'm sure the typical Kroger shopper would agree with that assessment. Radishes also symbolize the bitterness one might experience if condemned to eternal damnation. This is the hell where godless sodomites gather and cast aspersions upon baby Jesus, Moses and even Ezekial. Don't believe me... then just hang out by the salad bar on Sunday after church lets out. I once spoke with an elderly woman (I believe her name was Harriet) - she was terrified by broccoflower. I tried to explain the concept of a hybrid vegetable. She said, and I quote, "If God didn't make it, I don't eat it. What are they going to clone next? Humans? I don't vote for anyone who wants genetic engineering. You should move to France!"
Some of the people in this town are also terrified of "cutting edge" lettuce. This would include, but is not limited too, Romaine, Escarole and even Spinach. Spinach is sometimes ok if it has been chopped and presented in a frozen block. Spinach reached the mainstream in late 1998 and was given its rightful opportunity on the salad bar. Edlerly locals staged a vehement protest at the Kroger help desk but opposition gradually waned. Shortly thereafter, iceberg and spinach would stand side by side.
One important note, there is a pile of pre-packaged pickles - these could be the absolute worst pickles ever produced. I think they're called Freestone or something. This reminds me of a sour experience I had back in 1995. I was living in Oglebay Village and for a short time, I was on this "I want to get free stuff kick". Anyway, I started calling 800 numbers on the back of food products. I'd complain and they'd send me a coupon for free canned asparagus, or whatever. Anyway, I once called the Claussen people and complained about their pickes. I actually like Claussen pickles - so when they asked me what the problem was, I stuttered and mumbled that there was a nail at the bottom of the jar. The woman on the other end of the line was flabbergasted and said they'd immediately look into it. Anyway, the next day a man in a suit showed up at my door from somewhere in Pittsburgh (he had PA plates). He said he was a quality control specialist with Claussen and asked to see the tainted jar. I immediately knew the gig was up. I started sweating profusely and yelled at him to get the hell off my porch. Then I ran back in the apt. and slammed the door. He knocked a few more times as I hid in my apartment. This is the true definition of cowardice.
Anyway, Kroger Salad bar isn't great, but it's the best we've got to offer. On a scale of 1-10, it gets a 7.1.
On the average, the Kroger produce dept. is pretty bad. I suppose it's ok if you want to buy a stalk of celery or a bag of carrots, but have you ever checked out the area on the left. Mangy zucchini, limp snow peas, discolored mushrooms and my personal favorite - a lone basket of 5 artichokes reasonably priced at $3.99 per choke. I know, I know - it's not artichoke season.
As for the actual salad bar, it's probably the best place to assemble your own salad. In Ohio County, not many options exist for those who want to add beets or chick peas. After all, beets tend to be red, and the color red is an instrument of Satan. I'm sure the typical Kroger shopper would agree with that assessment. Radishes also symbolize the bitterness one might experience if condemned to eternal damnation. This is the hell where godless sodomites gather and cast aspersions upon baby Jesus, Moses and even Ezekial. Don't believe me... then just hang out by the salad bar on Sunday after church lets out. I once spoke with an elderly woman (I believe her name was Harriet) - she was terrified by broccoflower. I tried to explain the concept of a hybrid vegetable. She said, and I quote, "If God didn't make it, I don't eat it. What are they going to clone next? Humans? I don't vote for anyone who wants genetic engineering. You should move to France!"
Some of the people in this town are also terrified of "cutting edge" lettuce. This would include, but is not limited too, Romaine, Escarole and even Spinach. Spinach is sometimes ok if it has been chopped and presented in a frozen block. Spinach reached the mainstream in late 1998 and was given its rightful opportunity on the salad bar. Edlerly locals staged a vehement protest at the Kroger help desk but opposition gradually waned. Shortly thereafter, iceberg and spinach would stand side by side.
One important note, there is a pile of pre-packaged pickles - these could be the absolute worst pickles ever produced. I think they're called Freestone or something. This reminds me of a sour experience I had back in 1995. I was living in Oglebay Village and for a short time, I was on this "I want to get free stuff kick". Anyway, I started calling 800 numbers on the back of food products. I'd complain and they'd send me a coupon for free canned asparagus, or whatever. Anyway, I once called the Claussen people and complained about their pickes. I actually like Claussen pickles - so when they asked me what the problem was, I stuttered and mumbled that there was a nail at the bottom of the jar. The woman on the other end of the line was flabbergasted and said they'd immediately look into it. Anyway, the next day a man in a suit showed up at my door from somewhere in Pittsburgh (he had PA plates). He said he was a quality control specialist with Claussen and asked to see the tainted jar. I immediately knew the gig was up. I started sweating profusely and yelled at him to get the hell off my porch. Then I ran back in the apt. and slammed the door. He knocked a few more times as I hid in my apartment. This is the true definition of cowardice.
Anyway, Kroger Salad bar isn't great, but it's the best we've got to offer. On a scale of 1-10, it gets a 7.1.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
TJ's - WHY?
Why is this place filled with human beings? There is only one reason why this place is a viable business. Allow me to attempt an explanation...
LOCATION. If you can dodge the never ending construction on National Road, I'm sure we can all agree that TJ's is in the best possible location of Ohio County. Speaking of the construction, I hear that National Road will be fixed by October of this year. Yeah, right. This project is being presented by Savage Contruction - the same people who took 3 years to build the new S Bridge in Triadelphia (aka deep Elm Grove). And although the new bridge is up and running, the old one is still there. At least its remnants are still there. I might go by and take some discarded concrete for some outdoor steps I'm putting in. I predict the National Rd project will end in early 2007.
Anyway, why do people eat at TJ's. I have absolutely no idea whatsoever. Just about everything on the menu is poor. It kind of reminds me of the food they serve in a public high school. That's the most apt comparision. By and large, I think fast food is better. Some people choose to eat there because of the televised sporting events. What's odd is that there's no volume so you can't hear any of the commentary. Actually, this is not true. When they remodeled (due to the flood) they installed a bunch of flat screens at some of the tables. These Samsungs replaced the original "noise boxes" which were there for mainy asthetic value I guess.
The saddest thing about TJ's is the clientele. Avid sports fans will go there to drink pitchers of over-priced crappy beer and eat there "famous" wings. They also have "famous" cole slaw which is equally poor. These sports fantatics will aggresively pace the floor and shout at the silent wide screen. These people are pathetic. The most embarrassing part is when they try to befriend others who are routing for the same team - Half way through the introduction it becomes apparent that one of the people is either A. mentally retarded or B. has no life. This is not good.
Another injustice is that the average TJ's waitress makes about $12.00 in tips + an hourly wage of $2.45 per day. How do they get away with this shit? However, most of the girls who work there are pretty hot. One of those Wheeling oddities I guess.
You might ask, "Saf, isn't there anything good to say about TJ's?" The answer is yes - the free popcorn. That's about it.
Oh, I forgot. When you walk in the door there is a collage of smiling faces on the wall. Most of these humanoid things are smiling or in some mild state of ectsacy becuase they are celebrating the existense of the local minor league hockey team. Not the fact that they are winning - I don't think they've ever won the championship. There mere existence is a tribute to the prosperity that Wheeling has to offer. I hope they don't ever win the championship - if they did, they'd have a parade through the streets of downtown Wheeling. Then, surely all the freaks and "bandwagon fans" would gather. If you think the bandwagon fans of the Dallas Cowboys are bad news, then you wholly underestimate the bandwagon nonsense that Wheeling could possibly offer.
Anyway, on a scale of 1-10 (all things considered) - TJ's gets a .8, not an 8, a .8.
LOCATION. If you can dodge the never ending construction on National Road, I'm sure we can all agree that TJ's is in the best possible location of Ohio County. Speaking of the construction, I hear that National Road will be fixed by October of this year. Yeah, right. This project is being presented by Savage Contruction - the same people who took 3 years to build the new S Bridge in Triadelphia (aka deep Elm Grove). And although the new bridge is up and running, the old one is still there. At least its remnants are still there. I might go by and take some discarded concrete for some outdoor steps I'm putting in. I predict the National Rd project will end in early 2007.
Anyway, why do people eat at TJ's. I have absolutely no idea whatsoever. Just about everything on the menu is poor. It kind of reminds me of the food they serve in a public high school. That's the most apt comparision. By and large, I think fast food is better. Some people choose to eat there because of the televised sporting events. What's odd is that there's no volume so you can't hear any of the commentary. Actually, this is not true. When they remodeled (due to the flood) they installed a bunch of flat screens at some of the tables. These Samsungs replaced the original "noise boxes" which were there for mainy asthetic value I guess.
The saddest thing about TJ's is the clientele. Avid sports fans will go there to drink pitchers of over-priced crappy beer and eat there "famous" wings. They also have "famous" cole slaw which is equally poor. These sports fantatics will aggresively pace the floor and shout at the silent wide screen. These people are pathetic. The most embarrassing part is when they try to befriend others who are routing for the same team - Half way through the introduction it becomes apparent that one of the people is either A. mentally retarded or B. has no life. This is not good.
Another injustice is that the average TJ's waitress makes about $12.00 in tips + an hourly wage of $2.45 per day. How do they get away with this shit? However, most of the girls who work there are pretty hot. One of those Wheeling oddities I guess.
You might ask, "Saf, isn't there anything good to say about TJ's?" The answer is yes - the free popcorn. That's about it.
Oh, I forgot. When you walk in the door there is a collage of smiling faces on the wall. Most of these humanoid things are smiling or in some mild state of ectsacy becuase they are celebrating the existense of the local minor league hockey team. Not the fact that they are winning - I don't think they've ever won the championship. There mere existence is a tribute to the prosperity that Wheeling has to offer. I hope they don't ever win the championship - if they did, they'd have a parade through the streets of downtown Wheeling. Then, surely all the freaks and "bandwagon fans" would gather. If you think the bandwagon fans of the Dallas Cowboys are bad news, then you wholly underestimate the bandwagon nonsense that Wheeling could possibly offer.
Anyway, on a scale of 1-10 (all things considered) - TJ's gets a .8, not an 8, a .8.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Ruttenbucks
There's a relatively new restaurant on the distant perimeter of Ohio County. It's located off the Jill's Lounge exit of I-70. Continue through the interesection and start your descent toward rt. 40. It is located on the left. The parking lot is mildly disturbing. Tons of mud and gravel. There's an upper lot as well but it consists of about 20 storage sheds. When you enter Ruttenbucks you'll see a sign that says "SEAT YOUR D*$% SELF". In many ways, this is an omen of things to come. The place is one of those "down home redneck party" bar/restaurants. The bar is kind of small but has a nice feel to it and there's a pool table in the back. The menu is pretty big for such a small place. I had something called "Beef Dippity" on the advice of our waitress. I asked her what she would get - she replied without hesitation, "The Beef Dippity, in fact, I'm turing into the beef dippity." With all due respect, she did bear a slight resemblance to the sandwich. The sandwich was decent but don't get the chips - they suck. Substitute something in their place.
The decor is consistent with one of those "hip" steak houses. Lots of stainless steel pots and pans on the walls. Horseshoes everyhwere and of course, the entire Nascar schedule just in case you've forgotten where the Sunday race is - this week it's in Vegas!
I have never been a fan of these kinds of restaurants - It's a scaled down version of West Texas Roadhouse which I passionately despise. There's even peanut shells all over the floor to give it that added rustic look. The management always seems to encourage the staff to say things like "How ya'll doin" or "What'll it be for you'ins today". What's really bad is when they get the foreign exchange student from Taiwan who decides she wants to make a few extra bucks, even though her parents have stashed a quarter million in her checking account. I actually went on a date with the person I'm describing, except it was an Iranian girl named Fareeba and she worked at West Texas Roadhouse. She also claimed to be a virgin although that's largely irrelevant. We went to West Texas for dinner on our first date (her suggestion) and she got up from the table and line-danced with the staff (even though she wasn't working). She must have felt it was her obligation to participate. Surprisingly, we didn't really hit it off. There's just something inherently wrong when foreigners decide to embrace redneck ideology.
The decor is consistent with one of those "hip" steak houses. Lots of stainless steel pots and pans on the walls. Horseshoes everyhwere and of course, the entire Nascar schedule just in case you've forgotten where the Sunday race is - this week it's in Vegas!
I have never been a fan of these kinds of restaurants - It's a scaled down version of West Texas Roadhouse which I passionately despise. There's even peanut shells all over the floor to give it that added rustic look. The management always seems to encourage the staff to say things like "How ya'll doin" or "What'll it be for you'ins today". What's really bad is when they get the foreign exchange student from Taiwan who decides she wants to make a few extra bucks, even though her parents have stashed a quarter million in her checking account. I actually went on a date with the person I'm describing, except it was an Iranian girl named Fareeba and she worked at West Texas Roadhouse. She also claimed to be a virgin although that's largely irrelevant. We went to West Texas for dinner on our first date (her suggestion) and she got up from the table and line-danced with the staff (even though she wasn't working). She must have felt it was her obligation to participate. Surprisingly, we didn't really hit it off. There's just something inherently wrong when foreigners decide to embrace redneck ideology.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Stone's Tea Room
This place thrived during the Carter administration. In many ways, the Stone's Tea Room kind of symbolized the malaise of the late 1970's. I think it finally closed its doors in the late 1980's, but I'm not really sure. It was suitably located in the basement of the Stone and Thomas building in downtown Wheeling. Once bustling with non-stop activity, business slowly dropped off when they built the Ohio Valley Mall in St. Clairsville. There was usually a large line at lunch time and you had to wait an exasperating 2 minutes to get a table. They may have had a non-smoking section. I can't seem to remember although I do remember the place was always filled with smoke. I recall one time when my father was annoyed at the woman sitting next to us puffing on a cigarette, blowing smoke in our direction. He always claimed to be allergic to cigarette fumes, but I think this may have been an exaggeration on his part. I was about 9 years old at the time and told him, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it." Before he could say anything, I got out of my seat and dumped a little water in her ashtray thus extinguishing the cigarette. She was pissed off but didn't say anything. They just got up and left. Little did I know that this event would foreshadow a future of heinous acts and generally dissident behavior.
I can remember that the menu had some interesting pricing discrepencies. For example:
Egg Salad on toast, 63 cents
Egg Salad on bun, 67 cents
Egg Salad on bagel, 72 cents
I'd like to speak with the micro-manager/bean counter who came up with this shit.
As far as the food went, it was your basic Mel's Diner type food. Nothing too special. They may have been open for dinner, but if they were, they closed at 6pm.
I can remember that the menu had some interesting pricing discrepencies. For example:
Egg Salad on toast, 63 cents
Egg Salad on bun, 67 cents
Egg Salad on bagel, 72 cents
I'd like to speak with the micro-manager/bean counter who came up with this shit.
As far as the food went, it was your basic Mel's Diner type food. Nothing too special. They may have been open for dinner, but if they were, they closed at 6pm.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
fast food
These days I make a conscious effort to avoid most fast food, with the exception of Subway and places that cater to the lighter side of things. I generally don't eat red meat, maybe a steak or hamburger about once every 2 months. Thus, I rarely eat at Burger King. However, I couldn't help but notice that new, truly bizarre commercial they have on tv. Who dreamed up this thing. The setting for the commercial - I think it's the fast food version of what heaven is. There are girls swinging in the clouds and a black guy (dressed like Rumplestilsken) is playing acoustic guitar while singing about the hottest new sandwich (I think it's called the bacon cheddar ranch). The idea of combining cheddar and ranch is pretty gross, but what's really weird is the guy singing. At first, I thought it was the black porn start guy from Boogie Nights, Don Cheaddie or Cheaddle or whatever. He was also nominated for an Oscar in the Hotel Rwanda movie. Then, last night I was watching the commercial and a friend said, "You probably want to eat one of those sandwiches because you can really appriciate the gayness of this commercial." I asked him, how on earth did they get the Don Cheaddie guy to do a Burger King commercial and he replied, "Dude, that's Hootie, from Hootie and the Blowfish." I couldn't believe it. It was indeed Hootie. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I remember when The Blowfish were on the arena/ampitheatre circuit. In fact, I saw a cd of Cracked Rearview Mirror at the Salvation Army for 50 cents a few days ago.
I generally don't like fast food commercials. It seems as though McDonalds is always trying to promote their willingness to hire the mentally retarded or the extreme elderly and infirmed. It's probably not politically correct to address this topic, but they had a commercial on about 10 years ago where this retarded guy was in charge of the fries. He resembled Corky from that horrible tv series Life Goes On. Anyway, during the commercial, he cries out "FRIES UP!" This would signify the end of the frying process. I thought they went a little overboard with the frenzied nature of those who are mentally challenged.
Did you know that McDonalds is the only city in the entire US that had to close two McDonalds? The one downtown and the one in Warwood. This stat may have changed - it was from a decade ago. Interesting though.
Here's some helpful hints about fast food in Wheeling.
Avoid the Burger King in Warwood at all costs. The place does very little business so the food just sits under the lights all day.
The Subway in Woodsdale is decent, but one of the workers found it challanging to make me a deli-style turkey sandwich. He asked what I wanted on it, and I said everything. He looked at me with this blank stare and said, "There's no room." I replied, "Yeah, just do the best you can." He shrugged and said ok.
Rax, the purveyor of synthetic roast beef, is also in Woodsdale. They used to have a salad bar where we'd steal garlic bread from in high school. I'm talking blatant theft - go up to the counter and ask for a brown bag and then casually walk to the back, dump the entire lot of garlic bread and stroll out through the front door. No gimmicks, no distractions. Just straight up theft.
Wendys in Elm Grove is acceptable.
Apparently, the McDonalds in Elm Grove is one of the best in the country. I've gone through the drive through and they always fuck up the order. They have extreme difficulty with condiment distribution.
The Hardees in Woodsdale used to be the busiest Hardees in the country. At first, you'd think No Way, in Wheeling. But yes way, they were. This could be attributed to the long lines of drunks who would storm the place at 3am on the weekends. This one guy Bill streaked the restaurant many years ago and it was none other than the infamous Amy Piko who won a contest, creating the name "Classic Cruisin Hardees." I think she won $1,000 and free food for a year. Not bad.
The Long John Silvers is totally disgusting. The smell from that place permeates the entire strip. How anyone can eat there is beyond me. If you have a fat fetish and truly admire corpulence, LJS cries out, "Hush Puppies" (what the fuck are those things anyway, fried dough?). Just uttering the word "Hush Puppy" is really embarrasing - at least for me.
A couple years ago they built an Arby's in Elm Grove. At the time, this was viewed as a major economic development. They even had to hire a cop to help with the traffic burden. The place was packed for several weeks as everyone in town just couldn't resist the place. I generally like Arby's though. I recommend the deli-style turkey sandwich. Not bad, half-way decent tailgating food.
There are other fast food places, but this entry is getting tedious. Later.
I generally don't like fast food commercials. It seems as though McDonalds is always trying to promote their willingness to hire the mentally retarded or the extreme elderly and infirmed. It's probably not politically correct to address this topic, but they had a commercial on about 10 years ago where this retarded guy was in charge of the fries. He resembled Corky from that horrible tv series Life Goes On. Anyway, during the commercial, he cries out "FRIES UP!" This would signify the end of the frying process. I thought they went a little overboard with the frenzied nature of those who are mentally challenged.
Did you know that McDonalds is the only city in the entire US that had to close two McDonalds? The one downtown and the one in Warwood. This stat may have changed - it was from a decade ago. Interesting though.
Here's some helpful hints about fast food in Wheeling.
Avoid the Burger King in Warwood at all costs. The place does very little business so the food just sits under the lights all day.
The Subway in Woodsdale is decent, but one of the workers found it challanging to make me a deli-style turkey sandwich. He asked what I wanted on it, and I said everything. He looked at me with this blank stare and said, "There's no room." I replied, "Yeah, just do the best you can." He shrugged and said ok.
Rax, the purveyor of synthetic roast beef, is also in Woodsdale. They used to have a salad bar where we'd steal garlic bread from in high school. I'm talking blatant theft - go up to the counter and ask for a brown bag and then casually walk to the back, dump the entire lot of garlic bread and stroll out through the front door. No gimmicks, no distractions. Just straight up theft.
Wendys in Elm Grove is acceptable.
Apparently, the McDonalds in Elm Grove is one of the best in the country. I've gone through the drive through and they always fuck up the order. They have extreme difficulty with condiment distribution.
The Hardees in Woodsdale used to be the busiest Hardees in the country. At first, you'd think No Way, in Wheeling. But yes way, they were. This could be attributed to the long lines of drunks who would storm the place at 3am on the weekends. This one guy Bill streaked the restaurant many years ago and it was none other than the infamous Amy Piko who won a contest, creating the name "Classic Cruisin Hardees." I think she won $1,000 and free food for a year. Not bad.
The Long John Silvers is totally disgusting. The smell from that place permeates the entire strip. How anyone can eat there is beyond me. If you have a fat fetish and truly admire corpulence, LJS cries out, "Hush Puppies" (what the fuck are those things anyway, fried dough?). Just uttering the word "Hush Puppy" is really embarrasing - at least for me.
A couple years ago they built an Arby's in Elm Grove. At the time, this was viewed as a major economic development. They even had to hire a cop to help with the traffic burden. The place was packed for several weeks as everyone in town just couldn't resist the place. I generally like Arby's though. I recommend the deli-style turkey sandwich. Not bad, half-way decent tailgating food.
There are other fast food places, but this entry is getting tedious. Later.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
The Grove
The Grove was located in Morristown, Ohio. It was the victim of an arson attack about 15-20 years ago. It was the BEST restaurant in the entire area. For those of you who don't know, here's what happened. The guy who owned the place willed it to his daughter. She immediately shut it down for a year and decided to remodel. She planned on reopening it as a country western bar. How creative! We need more country western themes in this area. Anyway, she laid off all the employees and a group of them decided to retaliate - so they burned the place down to the ground. I never met this woman but I regard her with great contempt. There's another group of people who interfered with the establishment of a restaurant whom I also despise. They are the concerned local activists of Greggsville. Where is Greggsville? It's that crappy community at the bottom of Oglebay Hill. Anyway, these businessmen wanted to build a table-side Japanese restaurant (possibly a Benihana) at the site of the old radio station on Waddles. These local morons all got together and convinced the city that it do irreperbale harm to their community. These are the people I loath. I don't any of them personally, but let's just say I understand them. Better than they understand themselves. I know what motivates them. Here's an example of the kind of behavior they might engage in. They will call their parents 8 times each day to make sure everything is ok. They will purchase beanie babies off ebay and then try and get a refund when they receieved one that was yellow instead of gold. They eat bologna. They buy t-shirts that cost $19.95 with pictures of angels. Get it...
This place was a wide open bar/restaurant. Your options were limited. Steak, chicken, and ribs (there were a couple other things, but the menu centered around these options). All the portions were gigantic. Did you know that "gigantic" isn't even a word? Anyway, this place rocked. Killer house dressing. A viniagrette loaded with paprika (paprika is the key, but people around these parts are only familiar with salt, pepper and garlic salt). After all, a spice that appears red or maroon could have some affliation with the devil.
This place was a wide open bar/restaurant. Your options were limited. Steak, chicken, and ribs (there were a couple other things, but the menu centered around these options). All the portions were gigantic. Did you know that "gigantic" isn't even a word? Anyway, this place rocked. Killer house dressing. A viniagrette loaded with paprika (paprika is the key, but people around these parts are only familiar with salt, pepper and garlic salt). After all, a spice that appears red or maroon could have some affliation with the devil.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
chain restaurants
One might ask the inevitable question, "What about Bob Evans and Outback Steakhouse?" I know he has eaten there. I offer this explanation. It would be an exercise in futility to review the myriad of chain restaurants. Most are relatively decent, otherwise they'd not be able to survive. There is one glaring exception - the entity known as Cracker Barrel. What the fuck is this place? You walk in and there's some half-assed gift shop that sells grandma candy circa the early 1950's and crappy decorative baskets filled with Christmas tree ornaments. I hate this place. I realize that Cracker Barrel is the church-goers number one choice, but let me assure you, I'd rather spend Sunday afternoon recieving a fatal dose of carbon monoxide poisoning. At least that's a "pleasant" way to go. The food at Cracker Barrel isn't good or bad, but rather, dumb and ignorant. They offer things like rhubarb pancakes and molasses oatmeal - what the fuck is that? I realize that they're trying to take advantage of the Southern hospitality niche, but I would encourage you to avoid ordering the hamhocks smothered in grits. This place makes me ill. If you look around, most of the patrons physically resemble John Ashcroft and the women look like Maude (both Flanders and Bea Arthur). Cracker Barrel sucks - if you choose to eat there, you are my enemy.
Anyway, here are some good chains -
Cheesecake Factory, Olive Garden, Outback & PF Changs
Here are some loathsome chains -
Shoney's (not quite sure if there's an apostrophe in that), Red Lobster (half the menu is disgusting - they actually had something on the menu called Lobster Mac & Cheese), and of course the absolute worst, the aforementioned Cracker Barrel.
Anyway, here are some good chains -
Cheesecake Factory, Olive Garden, Outback & PF Changs
Here are some loathsome chains -
Shoney's (not quite sure if there's an apostrophe in that), Red Lobster (half the menu is disgusting - they actually had something on the menu called Lobster Mac & Cheese), and of course the absolute worst, the aforementioned Cracker Barrel.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Mehlman's Cafeteria
Some claim that Mehlman's smells like old people. Indeed. The average customers age is probably about 53. However, if you get there for the early dinner rush at 3:45pm, the median age jumps to 88. Interesting discrepancy.
Mehlman's is probably the most profitable restaurant in the entire area. The place is always jam-packed except on Mondays when it closes its doors to the elderly people of Belmont County.
Sometimes a local bar is referred to as a pick-up joint, or meat market, if you will. Mehlman's is a meat market for the elderly. While this doesn't sound particularly appetizing, it's the truth. If I were an elderly widow, it's gotta be the hottest ticket in town.
Anyway, the food is exceptional. I recommend the stuffed chicken breat, green beans and mashed potatoes - how can you go wrong? My brother was in town a couple years ago with his wife and for some reason, he picked Mehlman's. Needless to say, she had this look of terror when the bearded lady (with daunting sideburns) behind the counter dumped a pile of baked steak on my brother's tray. I think it was the low point of her visit.
Mehlman's can be a bit dangerous. Lots of the elderly, some with varying degrees of mobility and coordination, moving in scattered directions, searching for the optimum seating. This place must seat over 300. Then there's this staff of zooming busboys who carry Motorola 2-way radios in order to communicate. The most dangerous area is right by the cash registers. 2 food lines converge with a takeout line and an ill-placed condiment station. This is where disaster can strike - It kind of resembles the pilgrimage to Mecca where all the Muslims converge and throw rocks at the shrine, or whatever they're throwing rocks at. Isn't it odd how every year, hundreds of people get trampled to death in the Hajj? You'd think that if it's the responsibility of all good Muslims to make the trek, they'd be a bit more responsible, ehhh?
Anyway, Mehlamn's is great. Not a good place to take a date though. Scratch that - if you're 78 years old, it is THE place. By the way, don't get any of that crap in the first segment of the line. It's all cottage cheese goop, lime green jellos and some horrible looking salads. And avoid the roll with butter, as well.
Mehlman's is probably the most profitable restaurant in the entire area. The place is always jam-packed except on Mondays when it closes its doors to the elderly people of Belmont County.
Sometimes a local bar is referred to as a pick-up joint, or meat market, if you will. Mehlman's is a meat market for the elderly. While this doesn't sound particularly appetizing, it's the truth. If I were an elderly widow, it's gotta be the hottest ticket in town.
Anyway, the food is exceptional. I recommend the stuffed chicken breat, green beans and mashed potatoes - how can you go wrong? My brother was in town a couple years ago with his wife and for some reason, he picked Mehlman's. Needless to say, she had this look of terror when the bearded lady (with daunting sideburns) behind the counter dumped a pile of baked steak on my brother's tray. I think it was the low point of her visit.
Mehlman's can be a bit dangerous. Lots of the elderly, some with varying degrees of mobility and coordination, moving in scattered directions, searching for the optimum seating. This place must seat over 300. Then there's this staff of zooming busboys who carry Motorola 2-way radios in order to communicate. The most dangerous area is right by the cash registers. 2 food lines converge with a takeout line and an ill-placed condiment station. This is where disaster can strike - It kind of resembles the pilgrimage to Mecca where all the Muslims converge and throw rocks at the shrine, or whatever they're throwing rocks at. Isn't it odd how every year, hundreds of people get trampled to death in the Hajj? You'd think that if it's the responsibility of all good Muslims to make the trek, they'd be a bit more responsible, ehhh?
Anyway, Mehlamn's is great. Not a good place to take a date though. Scratch that - if you're 78 years old, it is THE place. By the way, don't get any of that crap in the first segment of the line. It's all cottage cheese goop, lime green jellos and some horrible looking salads. And avoid the roll with butter, as well.
Monday, February 28, 2005
yet another restaurant review
I think this is number six. I've probably got another 20 to go. Then it will be onto another topic - maybe local bars.
Uncle Pete's is an establishment in North Wheeling. It boasts the distinction of having the most dangerous parking lot in town. I'm willing to bet it's the reason you rarely see older people frequent the place. A 3 pt. or sometimes 5 pt. turn is always required to get out of the main lot. Then, you must proceed up this steep incline and cut through oncoming traffic. Not to mention, there's a fire station right next to the place which could further heighten the anxiety.
The food is slightly overpriced but generally good. One exception is the wings - they suck. What's really strange is that they're served with celery and carrot strips. I've always been a big fan of celery, but carrots? What the hell is that about? The biggest problem I have is the name of one of the sandwiches - yeah, you guessed it. It's the Turkey Jerky. The sandwich is pretty good, but unfortunately, if you point to it on the menu and say, "I'll have this one," - you'll get a cheery response from the 14 yr. old waitress. "OH, AWESOME. I LOVE the Turkey Jerky!" That's the best sandwich we've got. MMMmmmmmmmm, Turkey Jerky! YUMMY COOL!" This is not an isolated occurrence. It has happened numerous times.
Most of the other things on the menu are pretty decent. I like the fact that the bar side is non-smoking. You also get a scenic view of the Ohio River and Wheeling Island. The outside deck is nice but they seem to have a bee problem. I was eating on the deck one time and our table was swarmed with about 15 bees. This is only a problem if you're sitting by the upstairs dumpster (unfortunately, we were in very close proximity to the aformentioned trash bin). There was also the slight stench of garbage. Not too bad though - could have been much worse).
I eat there about once or twice a year. On a scale of 1-10, I'd say it's about a 5.3.
Uncle Pete's is an establishment in North Wheeling. It boasts the distinction of having the most dangerous parking lot in town. I'm willing to bet it's the reason you rarely see older people frequent the place. A 3 pt. or sometimes 5 pt. turn is always required to get out of the main lot. Then, you must proceed up this steep incline and cut through oncoming traffic. Not to mention, there's a fire station right next to the place which could further heighten the anxiety.
The food is slightly overpriced but generally good. One exception is the wings - they suck. What's really strange is that they're served with celery and carrot strips. I've always been a big fan of celery, but carrots? What the hell is that about? The biggest problem I have is the name of one of the sandwiches - yeah, you guessed it. It's the Turkey Jerky. The sandwich is pretty good, but unfortunately, if you point to it on the menu and say, "I'll have this one," - you'll get a cheery response from the 14 yr. old waitress. "OH, AWESOME. I LOVE the Turkey Jerky!" That's the best sandwich we've got. MMMmmmmmmmm, Turkey Jerky! YUMMY COOL!" This is not an isolated occurrence. It has happened numerous times.
Most of the other things on the menu are pretty decent. I like the fact that the bar side is non-smoking. You also get a scenic view of the Ohio River and Wheeling Island. The outside deck is nice but they seem to have a bee problem. I was eating on the deck one time and our table was swarmed with about 15 bees. This is only a problem if you're sitting by the upstairs dumpster (unfortunately, we were in very close proximity to the aformentioned trash bin). There was also the slight stench of garbage. Not too bad though - could have been much worse).
I eat there about once or twice a year. On a scale of 1-10, I'd say it's about a 5.3.
Friday, February 25, 2005
another restaurant review
Although I know very little about lent, I thought it might be wise to incorporate Coleman's Fish Market into this blog thing. Friday is always a big day for this place in Center Wheeling. The place really picks up when it's lent. My favorite time of year is lent - I like watching men and women in professional attire with ashes on their forehead. One of my favorite pasttimes is yelling at people, "Hey dirtbag, wipe that crud off your forehead. This ain't no Shawshank prison, bitch." You might get the impression that I'm not a big fan of lent. Nothing could be further from the truth. I like it slightly more than Ramadan. I think they both last a month or so. One question, why do people consider that abstaining from meat is a big sacrifice? What's the deal anyway - does that include chicken? It's just red meat, right?
Anyway, Coleman's used to be a pigeon infested open-air colusseum-like establishment. They enclosed the place around the time Reagan got shot and it's much better. I doubt the 2 events were related.
First off, if you're from out of town, this place can be very confusing. The have two separate ordering lines. In one of the lines, you can order Canadian Whitefish instead of the regular pollock. This really makes for a special fish consumption experience - hence, it's called the special line. Out of towners have no clue and they often get in the wrong line.
Also, there seems to be some sort of verbally abbreviated ordering process only apparent to the indigenous folks of Benwood. For example, a person from, let's say Zanesville, would say, "I'll have one fish Sandwich , a clam chowder and one cole slaw." An old guy from Wheeling will bark, "Gimme 1 fish-bread separate, 8 tartar, 1 chowder and a slaw. Yeah, 8 tarter should do it."
The food - avoid the egg rolls, they used to be good. Nowadays, they suck. The fried shrimp are decent and the fish sandwiches are almost always good. Unfortunately, they have to raise the price of a fish sandwich by 3 cents every year or so. This sends the locals into a frenzied tailspin. Thus, they have to justify it in writing by posting notes about the never-ending fish shortage or the Wonderbread embargo. Trust me, these old-timers will bitch for weeks about how they live on a fixed income and it just ain't fair. Then, it's off to church bingo where they lose a hundred bucks.
All in all, Coleman's is a legendary Wheeling establishment. Probably one of the most financially successful restaurants in the area. It's not really a restaurant though, more like a bazaar. I go there about once a month.
Anyway, Coleman's used to be a pigeon infested open-air colusseum-like establishment. They enclosed the place around the time Reagan got shot and it's much better. I doubt the 2 events were related.
First off, if you're from out of town, this place can be very confusing. The have two separate ordering lines. In one of the lines, you can order Canadian Whitefish instead of the regular pollock. This really makes for a special fish consumption experience - hence, it's called the special line. Out of towners have no clue and they often get in the wrong line.
Also, there seems to be some sort of verbally abbreviated ordering process only apparent to the indigenous folks of Benwood. For example, a person from, let's say Zanesville, would say, "I'll have one fish Sandwich , a clam chowder and one cole slaw." An old guy from Wheeling will bark, "Gimme 1 fish-bread separate, 8 tartar, 1 chowder and a slaw. Yeah, 8 tarter should do it."
The food - avoid the egg rolls, they used to be good. Nowadays, they suck. The fried shrimp are decent and the fish sandwiches are almost always good. Unfortunately, they have to raise the price of a fish sandwich by 3 cents every year or so. This sends the locals into a frenzied tailspin. Thus, they have to justify it in writing by posting notes about the never-ending fish shortage or the Wonderbread embargo. Trust me, these old-timers will bitch for weeks about how they live on a fixed income and it just ain't fair. Then, it's off to church bingo where they lose a hundred bucks.
All in all, Coleman's is a legendary Wheeling establishment. Probably one of the most financially successful restaurants in the area. It's not really a restaurant though, more like a bazaar. I go there about once a month.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
4th restaurant review
All things considered, Ernie's Esquire is the absolute worst restaurant in Wheeling, WV. The building is fascinating - tons of obscure rooms and loads of character, but the food is excruciatingly atrocious. And of course, it's way overpriced. The only people that seem to dine there are little old ladies or people who "just plain don't know any better". I've been to a few wedding recpetions there and the food seemed to be much better. The only reasonable explanation I can offer is that these events weren't catered by Ernie's.
What's even funnier is that they have valet parking. This is borderline embarrasing. There simply should not be valet parking anywhere in Wheeling. I guess there are a few Wheeling bigwigs who think this is appropriate. They can pull up and toss their keys to some homely kid named Ethan and quickly get to their table (thus avoiding the hectic parking lot). First of all, the parking lot is always empty. Secodnly, the restaurant is always empty. Therefore, this comes down to an issue of prestige, not convenience. How sad. What's even worse is that poor Ethan probably doesn't get an hourly wage - probably just works for tips. So every time someone decides to park their own vehicle, they might get a glance of contempt or even worse, a look of utter despair.
As far as the service goes, I have no idea because I refuse eat there. I wouldn't even go there for happy hour, although I do kind of like the bar setup.
Anyway, if you want a better dining experience, I'd suggest Sudan - possibly something in the Darfur region.
What's even funnier is that they have valet parking. This is borderline embarrasing. There simply should not be valet parking anywhere in Wheeling. I guess there are a few Wheeling bigwigs who think this is appropriate. They can pull up and toss their keys to some homely kid named Ethan and quickly get to their table (thus avoiding the hectic parking lot). First of all, the parking lot is always empty. Secodnly, the restaurant is always empty. Therefore, this comes down to an issue of prestige, not convenience. How sad. What's even worse is that poor Ethan probably doesn't get an hourly wage - probably just works for tips. So every time someone decides to park their own vehicle, they might get a glance of contempt or even worse, a look of utter despair.
As far as the service goes, I have no idea because I refuse eat there. I wouldn't even go there for happy hour, although I do kind of like the bar setup.
Anyway, if you want a better dining experience, I'd suggest Sudan - possibly something in the Darfur region.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
3rd restaurant review - Salsa Cafe
Alright, time to get Salsafied. The Salsa Cafe has been around about a year or two. Smack dab in the middle of Woodsdale - probably the hippest section of Wheeling (if you're willing to make the assumption that anything in Wheeling is hip, other than Christian Karaoke night at the Church of God).
When you enter the Salsa Cafe, the first thing you might notice is a ton of religious crap. Paintings of the Virgin Mary, numerous angels, Passion of the Christ, some kind of tribute to Ezekial; hell, I think there's even a visual representation of the immacualte conception. Anyway, if you can get beyond the artistry and born-again pamphlets, you'll discover that they also serve food. The food is decent but often overpriced. The burritos are unusually strong, but it may take them up to 10 minutes to make one, even if nobody is in the place. I attribute this to the meticulous handcrafting burrito making process.
One of the workers has some highly unusual sideburns. My friend Eric and I refer to this man as "MuttonChops". If you see him outside the workplace, I encourage you to yell, "Hey, MC"! He may, or may not respond.
Everyone who works there is quite friendly. The place is very informal. I don't think there's a dress code. In fact, the pseudo grunge neo-alternative hippie youth are often seen frequenting the place.
One thing to defintiely avoid is the lobster bisque. Why on earth a burrito place would try to sell lobster bisque or any kind of seafood is beyong me. Trust me, it's really gross. However, their tomato florentine is very good. They also have plenty of overpriced salsa, chips, tacos, etc. Their spinach salad isn't bad either although it did get a horrific condemnation from a friend of mine. Ironically, she never ate a bite.
Anyway, the precious rating.... All things considered, Salsa Cafe gets a 6.7. The food is good yet overpriced and the service is somewhat slow although I'm sure some would call the service "methodical".
When you enter the Salsa Cafe, the first thing you might notice is a ton of religious crap. Paintings of the Virgin Mary, numerous angels, Passion of the Christ, some kind of tribute to Ezekial; hell, I think there's even a visual representation of the immacualte conception. Anyway, if you can get beyond the artistry and born-again pamphlets, you'll discover that they also serve food. The food is decent but often overpriced. The burritos are unusually strong, but it may take them up to 10 minutes to make one, even if nobody is in the place. I attribute this to the meticulous handcrafting burrito making process.
One of the workers has some highly unusual sideburns. My friend Eric and I refer to this man as "MuttonChops". If you see him outside the workplace, I encourage you to yell, "Hey, MC"! He may, or may not respond.
Everyone who works there is quite friendly. The place is very informal. I don't think there's a dress code. In fact, the pseudo grunge neo-alternative hippie youth are often seen frequenting the place.
One thing to defintiely avoid is the lobster bisque. Why on earth a burrito place would try to sell lobster bisque or any kind of seafood is beyong me. Trust me, it's really gross. However, their tomato florentine is very good. They also have plenty of overpriced salsa, chips, tacos, etc. Their spinach salad isn't bad either although it did get a horrific condemnation from a friend of mine. Ironically, she never ate a bite.
Anyway, the precious rating.... All things considered, Salsa Cafe gets a 6.7. The food is good yet overpriced and the service is somewhat slow although I'm sure some would call the service "methodical".
Monday, February 21, 2005
2nd restaurant review
Golden Chopsticks is a Chinese restaurant located in the heart of Wheeling Island. The building is spectacular. Kind of ironic because the rest of Wheeling Island is an absolute dump. The Island has about 400 houses. 11 of them belong to actual homeoweners. 40 of them are condemned and the rest are rented out by some old guy who lives in Steubenville. I used to live on the Island - smack dead center on Virginia Street in roach infested Gruber Apartments. I lived there in 1991. Mine was a ground floor apartment. A woman lived above me with some really heavy makeup - I used to call her the "hepatitis hooker". Actually, she wasn't that bad but her 12 yr. old daughter Tina was obnoxious. She would sit on the steps directly outside my window. When a car pulled up to the stop sign she would stare at them and yell, "What the fuck you lookin' at bitch. You god damn cunt." Stuff like that - she was merciless and I'm talking about screaming profanity at little old ladies whose only crime was stopping at the sign. I would open the window when I had visitors. We used to call it the floor show - like clockwork from 3:00-4:00pm right after her school let out.
Anyway, I digress.
Chopsticks, aka Choppy Chop, is decent. Very reasonably priced and good quality food considering the fact that Wheeling doesn't really have much of an Asian population. Come to think of it, most Asians don't really eat the American version of Chinese food. These people probably have no idea who the fuck General Tso is. By the way, that General Tso's Chicken is the absolute worst thing you can eat in a Chinese restaurant (from a health perspective).
Anyway, I highly recommend going there. There is a discernable difference between the egg rolls you get at lunch and those at dinner. The lunch ones are about 1/4 the size of Pee Wee Herman's cock; whereas, the dinner egg rolls are decent. I personally recommend the Kung Pao Shrimp. I spoke with this guy Jimmy over the weekend and he would always recommend the Hong Kong Steak Hew thing. It's not bad either.
I did get yelled at once by the owner's father. I accidentally spilled my drink at the bar and he yelled, "What's wrong with you". Other than that, the waiters/waitresses are very friendly. This place is highly recommended. I'd give it 8.8 on a scale of 1-10. Trust me, that's high praise.
Anyway, I digress.
Chopsticks, aka Choppy Chop, is decent. Very reasonably priced and good quality food considering the fact that Wheeling doesn't really have much of an Asian population. Come to think of it, most Asians don't really eat the American version of Chinese food. These people probably have no idea who the fuck General Tso is. By the way, that General Tso's Chicken is the absolute worst thing you can eat in a Chinese restaurant (from a health perspective).
Anyway, I highly recommend going there. There is a discernable difference between the egg rolls you get at lunch and those at dinner. The lunch ones are about 1/4 the size of Pee Wee Herman's cock; whereas, the dinner egg rolls are decent. I personally recommend the Kung Pao Shrimp. I spoke with this guy Jimmy over the weekend and he would always recommend the Hong Kong Steak Hew thing. It's not bad either.
I did get yelled at once by the owner's father. I accidentally spilled my drink at the bar and he yelled, "What's wrong with you". Other than that, the waiters/waitresses are very friendly. This place is highly recommended. I'd give it 8.8 on a scale of 1-10. Trust me, that's high praise.
Friday, February 18, 2005
first posting - local restaurant reviews
Since the beginning of time, man has consumed food. I think we can all agree that eating food is a pretty important aspect of our lives. What is truly worrisome is that some people just don't know where to go. There are a variety of local restaurants from which to choose. Some good, most poor, a few atrocious. These reviews will help serve as a guide or primitive template. Let's start with the places that totally suck. I feel that it's far more important to be aware of the restaurants one should avoid rather than the so called "great" places to eat.
The Swing Club - This place is now called Generations and it should be avoided at all costs. The only upside is that at night, it's frequented by a lot of attractive women. But this about where to eat, not who to eat. The service is absolutely miserable. There are enormous "timing gaps" during the meal. You could be quickly escorted to your table and then wait 20 minutes for a glass of water to arrive. Then, my favorite part is how all the food comes at once. The word "appetizer" doesn't make any sense here. Isn't the concept of an appetizer designed to be a "pre-meal" thing? Let's refer to them as just "tizers". All the tizers have dumb names - in fact, I get embarrased just thinking about them. Why can't nachos, just be nachos. Why does it suddenly have to be "nacho grando fiesta" or "superlicious chicken fajitas".
I'm not sure of the exact number of waiters/waitresses, but be aware - they're all bad. Except for one - there is this one brunette waitress. She could possibly be the best waitress in the entire area. In fact, this could be one of the biggest service anomolies in the entire restaurant biz nationwide.
Anyway, the food here SUCKS. Every salad is strictly and rigidly iceberg enforced. The dressings are all beyond crapulence. What's really ironic is that the place is usually packed. This is consistent with the fact that the majority of people who reside in Wheeling are unbelievably ignorant as to what good food is. They eat a steady diet of burgers and fries. Most are actually afraid of seafood (unless of course, it's deep fried shrimp).
So here's the recap...
Service - Unbelievably poor (except for that one anomolous waitress, she is a beacon of hope in a sea of vomit).
Food - beyond that which sucks. Entering a new era of shit.
Cost - somewhat reasonable
Decor - they remodeled the place and it looks spectacular. Sometimes it gets really cold.
Ambience - Fair
One last thought... Every time I go in there I see one of my neighbors. The next time I see her, I will ask her why she frequents the establishment with such Metamucil-like regularity. I will post her response in a future blog. I might even ask her out - though I probably won't post her response.
The Swing Club - This place is now called Generations and it should be avoided at all costs. The only upside is that at night, it's frequented by a lot of attractive women. But this about where to eat, not who to eat. The service is absolutely miserable. There are enormous "timing gaps" during the meal. You could be quickly escorted to your table and then wait 20 minutes for a glass of water to arrive. Then, my favorite part is how all the food comes at once. The word "appetizer" doesn't make any sense here. Isn't the concept of an appetizer designed to be a "pre-meal" thing? Let's refer to them as just "tizers". All the tizers have dumb names - in fact, I get embarrased just thinking about them. Why can't nachos, just be nachos. Why does it suddenly have to be "nacho grando fiesta" or "superlicious chicken fajitas".
I'm not sure of the exact number of waiters/waitresses, but be aware - they're all bad. Except for one - there is this one brunette waitress. She could possibly be the best waitress in the entire area. In fact, this could be one of the biggest service anomolies in the entire restaurant biz nationwide.
Anyway, the food here SUCKS. Every salad is strictly and rigidly iceberg enforced. The dressings are all beyond crapulence. What's really ironic is that the place is usually packed. This is consistent with the fact that the majority of people who reside in Wheeling are unbelievably ignorant as to what good food is. They eat a steady diet of burgers and fries. Most are actually afraid of seafood (unless of course, it's deep fried shrimp).
So here's the recap...
Service - Unbelievably poor (except for that one anomolous waitress, she is a beacon of hope in a sea of vomit).
Food - beyond that which sucks. Entering a new era of shit.
Cost - somewhat reasonable
Decor - they remodeled the place and it looks spectacular. Sometimes it gets really cold.
Ambience - Fair
One last thought... Every time I go in there I see one of my neighbors. The next time I see her, I will ask her why she frequents the establishment with such Metamucil-like regularity. I will post her response in a future blog. I might even ask her out - though I probably won't post her response.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)