Greg Brady Died for Yinz Sinz

Whether we're willing to admit it or not, all of us remember the Brady Bunch sitcom.  Sometimes with stunning accuracy you might recall Marsha's broken nose, Jan's nearsightedness resulting in a horrific bicycling accident or Cindy's poignant battle with tattling.  Maybe you recall the hot and cold romance of Alice the Maid with Sam the Butcher (not to be confused with 500 lb. pro wrestler Abdullah the Butcher).  Or perhaps in the final season, you sympathized with the nerdish plight of the mysterious cousin Oliver.  Ahhh Oliver... you disconnected, amusing anomaly.  You never truly belonged. 

The boys from the father's side of the family also had their share of tales.  Bobby became friends with Broadway Joe Namath.  Peter's voice changed during an ill-timed, epic battle with puberty.   The Brady Six were in deep shit, but somehow miraculously managed to incorporate his tumultuous vocal dilemma.  Fuck it!  They turned a negative into a positive.  Verifiable proof that "when it's time to change, one must in fact... rearrange."  Indeed.

But it is the oldest Brady son that served as the inspiration for my latest home decor project.   Not sure what season this aired, but Greg was experiencing a tidal wave of independence.  He moved out of the tri-bedroom quad and took up residence in the attic.  He suddenly became friends with a new group of older hippies (judging by their behavior, some speculate these counter-culture freaks may have smoked grass).  And Greg started using words like "groovy" and phrases such as "far out, man!"  He wore bell-bottoms and rose-tinted glasses.  To top it off, he even had the audacity to address his mom and dad as "Carol" and "Mike."  Not kewl.

On the cusp of a family vacation, Greg decided he'd rather hang out with his friends instead of his family.  He chose his friends over family.  30 years later on facebook, some might call this "not lovin' the fam."  Regardless, Greg's friendship with the hippies suddenly came crashing down.  His father tried to persuade him to join the family for a fun-filled trip to the beach.  His father made one last ditch effort, encouraging him to come with the fam in that monster vacation-station wagon.  Hell, even Tiger the dog was going on the trip (I think).

Anyway, as father Mike entered the attic he had to fight his way through vast columns of stringed beads hanging in the doorway.   He even got all tangled up in 'dat shit as the studio audience howled in delight.  Surely you remember this debacle.  Mike was an architect by trade, so I imagine he had a vested interest in home decor.  On some twisted, fundamental level, I think we share this trait. 

Fast forward to the year 2011.  Now is the time.  Let us "pay this shit forward."  As we await the Patriots/Giants Superbowl AND on the heels of a debilitating Steelers playoff loss to the Denver Broncos exacted by the Christian savior and overlord, Tim Tebow, I concocted a new project.  With roughly 1,200 wine corks and some fishing line (not to mention, plenty of hooks and 2 dowel rods supplied by Gig), I began to string up the corks in what some have termed a "manger scene equivalent" reenactment at the Jewish Ski Lodge.  It's a real-time, real-world crucifixion/circumcision.  We call it... circumfixion.  From here on out, if you wish to enter my living room, you must pass through the hanging wall of corks.  Technically speaking, this masterpiece is referred to as "Greg Brady died for Yinz Sinz."

Take heed of the perfectly centered yellow cross with the black cork outline.  Reflect back on the sins of the Steelers, the alleged model franchise.  Sure I'm a fan, but I cannot dismiss some of their indiscretions.  Remember Bam Morris?  Wasn't he caught smuggling 200 lbs. of dope along the Texas border?  Remember when Greg Lloyd candidly spoke on national tv after an AFC Championship win against the Colts... "We're gonna take it all the fucking way to the fucking Superbowl."   Remember Big Ben's extra-curricular activity in a rural Georgia bar bathroom stall.  The ugly transformation from "Roethslisberger the Sandwich" into "Raping Burger" the sexual conquistador.  And now Jerry Sandusky has stolen the spotlight?  I can't believe that sodomizer is petitioning the court so he can see his grandchildren.  What the fuck is up with that???  Shouldn't his ass be the one "that receives regular, unsupervised visits?" But I digress...

So here's the point.  If you voluntarily enter my living room, I consider it to be an admission, or at the very least, an endorsement of sinful activity.  As one struggles to pass through the corks, we are to be reminded of Christ's eternal struggle.  For it was not just Art Rooney.  For it was not only Neil O'Donnell.  For it was neither Bill Cowher nor his secretary.  It was, in essence, all of us who've been impacted by the crucifixion.  Even Uncle Saffy, I suppose.  That seems to be the consensus on about 14 channels on my Directv.  One channel is hardly sufficient to convey a message from God.  You need at least a baker's dozen or so.

So replace the blessed wine with a cold I.C. Light.  Instead of taking communion, feast on the bread of Primanti's.  Get off your hands and knees. Stop kneeling and repenting.  Stand up and SHHHOOOOUUUTTTT (Donnie Wahlberg in that movie Rock Star).  For all this time, it was Greg Williams aka tv personality Greg Brady, that died for his love of the Black'n'Gold.  Who would have thunk it?

The WBC protest at Joe Paterno's funeral

Anyone who knows me, knows one thing.  I'm fascinated by those assholes from Topeka, Kansas.  The Westboro Baptist Church moniker is a bit misleading.  I refer to them as "the clan of Fred Phelps."  Although they are an abhorrent organization endlessly engaging in the most contemptuous, despicable behavior, I would never seek to limit their collective First Amendment rights.  As long as the United States supposedly has freedom of speech, you have to be willing to accept the bad with the good.  Despite their being the LCD (lowest common denominator) of society, I am completely committed to defending their right to "protest" anything or anyone they desire.  

For those that don't know, the WBC has a long history of taking their younger children (all ages) to these protests.  The kids are actually used as physical "shields." This logically keeps things from getting out of hand.  It's also perhaps the most blatant, routine act of cowardice in modern history.  It just keeps going on and on, again and again.

So I just heard they are protesting yet another funeral.  But this one's a little different.  The Kansidiots are going after Joe Paterno.  The surrounding high profile Sandusky pedophile scandal provides an unusual backdrop.  This put the entire university on the defensive.  That's a lot of people.  And their entire athletic department has been adorned with scorn.  The controversy was so great that even Graham Spanier was forced to resign.  I wouldn't normally know the name of Penn State's president, but that's a whole nuther story.  Incidentally, the new interim president is Rodney A. Erickson.  I plan on mailing him a letter in the near future.  Please forgive the tangent.

When a collective body of people are injured, they often seek mass retribution.  When an animal is injured and feeling defenseless, there is a greater probability that it will lash out.  Now multiply that one animal by 50,000.  And don't forget the earlier Penn State vandalistic rampage from November when the whole story broke.  That's what I'd call a convincing precedent.

So what's my point?  Saf, don't you always have a point.  Well... I think the WBC might really regret showing up in Unhappy Valley.  The WBC fucks might have finally bitten off more than they can chew.  When a giant mass of people are mourning the loss of a perceived loved one (especially a grandfather figure), they're all on a collective emotional roller coaster.  Add to the mix a ton of college age kids and there's a greater degree of unpredictability.  Now there's always potential for violence when the Phelps crew shows up to stir the shit, but this one seems like more of a powder keg.

All this is just a hunch.  The WBC often use the name of the deceased individual on their signs.  They did it with Michael Jackson and Steve Jobs, so I suspect they'll do it with Paterno.  IF one of their signs directly accused Joe Paterno of being a pedophile, I think that could be the match that lights the fuse.  The WBC has a certain amount of "imbecilic, repetitive hubris" that's hard to define.  Simply put, they take a licking and keep on ticking.  There have been several incidents of violence.  Some weirdo from Wheeling, West Virginia even had the chutzpah to promote something he termed "Soakapalooza."  

Here's a highly viewed youtube incident. Their minivan windshield gets smashed by an angry mob as they're trying to get the hell out of dodge.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZGKx2pTBQc

Just something to think about.  Never discount the power of the mob.  Sometime soon, you might hear the phrase "in like a Nittany lion, out like a lamb."

What I would do if I was Willard "Mitt" Romney

I'm fascinated by the Republican primary cries from Newt Gingrichbread and Rick Sandusky-Tarantulum and the Tex-Mex-Gov.  They just keep on clamoring, "Mitt, release your taxes.  Show us your paperwork."  Truth be told, they're spot on.  They should be denouncing him for being secretive about his investments.  It's certainly fair game.  Hell, isn't his current net worth around 270 million or so?  News alert - it's likely more than that.  And he probably has stashed some money into trust funds to avoid prying eyes.  After all, Mitt and his lovely wife have five sons... their nicknames are Zit, Nitwit, Clit, Shit and Tit (his friends call him teet).  It makes you wonder how many $,$$$,$$$'s he actually gives to the Mormonathons.  Aren't they obligated to heavily tithe and promote that shit?

So anyway, I'm guessing Mitt is thinking along these lines.  Even if I release my income taxes and commit to full financial disclosure, the left-wing media and my enemies are going to turn it into a huge, scandalous production.  Even if it isn't the story, it will immediately BECOME the story.  So the best choice of action is to "wait it out" for as long as possible.  At least until I get the nomination later this year.  Maybe the whole thing could be dissipated during the convention in Tampa when you roll out the veep, but I doubt it. 

Honestly, I doubt there's any bombshells in the paperwork.  Think about it.  Mitt's been running for president since probably 1986 (in his head) , 1994 (realistically), 2008 (technically).  What a long... strange trip it's been.  That's a declarative statement, not an inquiry.  He's likely someone who would carefully plan every financial aspect of the presidential journey.

So Saf, what should Mitt Romney do?  What I'm about to suggest would take an unusual display of temerity.  A mission of impudence that I doubt he is capable of executing, let alone fathoming.

Immediately after Mitt secures the nomination, perhaps at the convention, but even better - during a debate with Obama, he should say the following line.  "If elected President of the United States, I will give 100% of my ENTIRE net worth to charity.  This would instantly become the biggest news on the planet earth.  It would be an utter bombshelluva statement and it would steal the entire debate.  It would be the new talking point in the entire United States, from the giant moose of Maine to the fake boobs of San Diego.  And it would provide incredible fodder for Fox News - bashing the Kerry/Rockefellor liberal elitists.  Even MSNBC and CNN would have to admit that it's one helluva grand gesture.  And all of a sudden, Warren Buffett is yesterday's newspaper.

So here's what this proclamation gets you.

A. In a likely narrow election, I think it easily puts you over the top.  Any Barack-uh-tempt to match the philanthropy would appear as a copycat, phony gesture. 

B. You get to be the noble politician.  In fact, it instantly transforms you into an outsider.  Not one who is beholden to the system.  The one who set a new standard and changed the overall notion, "that not all politicians are evil and greedy."

C. Hell, he'd still have a few million not to mention his salary (400K per year), pension and all the perks.  If he's truly on a mission to become the most powerful person in the world, one would assume that the prospect of becoming President would trump your personal fortune.   Then again, we're talking about Mitt Romney.  He's not very likely to think outside the box on this one...

D.  ... and that's pretty much the point here!  He would immediately be regarded as someone who was willing to take the ultimate chance.  He embraced the unknown and was unafraid to shed that big business stereotype.  Mitt was willing to discard that "bean counter Bain Capital, I was born and bred to be the P.O.T.U.S." image.  This is what really haunts him.  Not some shady investment or off-shore account.  The flip-flops are a pain but they can be managed by a good team.  This is about turning Mitt into a "riverboat gambler."  It's the factual proof that Mitt is willing to go all the way.  His mere presence would evoke images of the "Let's Go All The Way" guy.  I think his name was Sly Fox.  All of a sudden Mitt's not the Republican zombified version of a robotic Al Gore.  There's a new sheriff on the beltway and his name is Mittens Romney.

E. You still keep all the 12 houses.  So you still have some equity.  Speaking fees have netted him a paltry $374,000 or so.  He can always write his stirring memoirs.  There are plenty of douchebags out there who would pay $19.99 for an auto-Romnography.  Feel free to compare and contrast with the Sonofsaf odd, oh biography. 

Now the downside.

A. Critics will say it's a ploy.  He wants to guilt people into voting for him.  He thinks he can bribe me for my vote.  Why didn't he just come out and say... "I'm going to give away my entire fortune because it's the right thing to do!"  And still, the media would invariably ask, "Why won't you just give it all away regardless, win or lose the election?"  AND HERE IS HOW YOU ANSWER THIS QUESTION (because it is a tricky one).

"Well, we can't honestly expect every politician who runs for office to demonstrate this level of magnanimity.  But this is the Presidency of the United States!  The president sets the standard.  Mike Tomlin once said, "The standard is the standard."  But I'd like to set a new trend in this great country where nobody can ever infer that the President's decision making process is guided by aspirations of greater fortune.  This is what our political system desperately is in need of... a new direction based on generosity and philanthropy, not greed and cronyism.  It's all starts with setting an example and someone stepping up to the plate!"  If others are willing to follow my lead, then from this time on, the office of the presidency will be held beyond reproach as a glistening spectrum of a thousand points of light, a beacon for humanity, etc., blah."  (I could write a better tagline but it would take me an hour and I don't feel like zoning in at the moment).  Then, you immediately pivot the conversation into a discussion of the problem with excessive money in politics, including but not limited to, denouncing the existence of SuperPacs, manipulative multi-millionaires, foreign influences, etc.  

B. Oh yeah, and the other downside - if you win it all, you give away a boatload of cash (about 20% of the value of that Italian cruise ship).  Yep, this one hurts.  Mitt would be wise to get the 10 million dollar renovations to that La Jolla residence done asap.  Hell, you gotta have that guest room ready for all those famous celebrities.  Now there's a funny prospect.  Who the fuck wants to hang out with Mitt Romney?  I'd rather hang with Rutherford B. Hayes or Richard Nixon.  Nixon was likely a complete bad ass.  Kind of a political Bill Belichick.  But Rutherford B. Hayes?  His wife's nickname was Lemonade Lucy.  Her disdain for demon alcohol was known far and wide.  

So Saf, if this is such a great idea, what do you think are the odds Mitt will do it?  In essence, "Is Mitt Too Legit Too Quit?"  That doesn't make sense, but sounds really amusing.  In fact, you could bury him with an MC Hammer backsplash.  Killer idea for Stephen Colbert.  Obama and the DNC, not so much.    

So will MITT DO IT?  I'd say the odds are about 2.3%.  But I wouldn't completely rule it out.  And he might be able to do a modified version of what I'm suggesting.  But I think you either do it or you don't.  If you don't go all in, it makes you look weak and calculating.

On a larger note, I still think the entire news media is missing the point.  They all think Obama is going to eek out a close victory as the entire election is determined in the usual swing states.  Fuck that!  It's a whole year off and there could easily be a bunch of game-changers.  What about a nuclear incident?  What about gas going above $5 per gallon?  What about the Middle East (Iran, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, take your pick)?  What about an oddball like Kim-Jong UNderwear?  What about another Hurricane Katrina or natural disaster?  And what about the potential for a domestic incident (maybe the scenario I've been yapping about for the past year)?  My point > for all these pundits to assume that everything remains static until the end of 2012 is a pretty naive view of the U.S., and the planet earth for that matter.

I will make this one prediction.  Assuming it's Obama vs. Romney (with no significant third party entrant), IF Romney wins, I think he'll win ALL 50 states.  If Romney takes it, I envision the repeat of a Carter vs. Reagan scenario where Reagan swept pretty much everything (except West Virginia - isn't it crazy that Carter won WV in the 1980 election?).  But if Obama wins it again, he'll likely crunch out a narrow electoral victory with a surprisingly substantial popular vote margin.  Because the 2012 election won't really be about money and fundraising.  Everyone has already made up their minds. One more ad along the Florida I-4 corridor ain't gonna matter.  Both parties will flood the air with positive and negative ads.  Most voters will tune the shit out as irrelevant.  Obama and Romney will likely channel much of their fundraising endeavors to the DNC and RNC.  But that's another blog...

that smell (Lynyrd Skynyrd)

Back in my impetuous blogging days, I was more straightforward with my assessments.  For example, the food at TJ's is horrible.  Down on Main is a box of noise.  The Wheeling Tunnel is fucked up.  Basically, I'd just come out and say what was on my mind.  Nowadays, I'm going for a more subdued approach.  Yeah, sure.

So Saf, what's the problem this time?  Well, there is a local tavern that I frequent periodically.  Hard to say how many times I've been there.  But the time frame extends from 1991 > 2011.  Suffice to say, I've been there more times than George Bush, Jr. has said the word "Nuke-u-ler."  That's a bad example.  Let me put it like this.  If every strand of dual-Chrisagii chest hair represented one visit to this place... then, there you go, that's a visit (George Costanza).  Hmmm, yet another poor analogy.  Fuck it!  I've been in there about 1,000 times, okay?  So I have a pretty good idea of what the fuck I'm talking about.  Now brace yourself for the incoming rant.

For well over a year, this place has smelled like a belligerent sewage treatment plant.  Actually, I take that back. It's much worse.  The second you enter the place, it hits you like a ton of bricks.  To merely use the Jeff RDSVCH term, "This place is ass!" is woefully insufficient.  To say this place "smells like ass" is also inadequate.   I'd characterize the smell as more of a "tunneling anal sewer."  It just has this "wafting vengeance" which is really difficult to quantify.  Try ranking it on a scale of 1-100.  It's a futile endeavor because this smell falls so far outside the boundaries of what general society considers to be a "bad smell."

There's incinerated human bodies.  They don't smell good.  There's burning hair at the local beauty salon.  That doesn't smell too swell.  There's asparagus piss.  That's relatively objectionable.  But then comes this harsh abuse way out in left field.  It reminds me of that trademark Anderson Silva clench, followed by a crushing knee to the head.   Much like the octagon, one enters the establishment and tries to size up the opponent.  You walk through the first door and immediately feel a slight sense of unease.  You get the feeling that something has gone wrong.  Then, someone exits the side men's restroom.  Ka-Pow!   It smacks you directly in the face.  There's no time to fight back.  Breathe only through your mouth?  That ain't gonna help for shit because the scent is on some kind of seek and destroy mission.  The fear and trepidation continue as you make your way along the bar.  Suddenly, you're in that congested area at the end of the bar.  Ker-Blam!  You're in what I refer to as the confluence zone.  Just like Pixburgh has the Monongahela, Allegheny and Ohio rivers... there's the bar, the restaurant and the smoking/billiards area.  This is the most heavily trafficked region and where the stench takes on "superhuman" characteristics.  Here's the analogy for the SAT's...

local huffer : paint
confluence zone : acrid stench of incest

You might be thinking... well, I'll sacrifice the desire to be social and just hang out on the restaurant side.  And as you head over, an employee pushes open the swinging door.  Cha-Dong!  The scent has taken on a new directive.  You know how that one company's called "Bed, Bath and Beyond."  Well, this one is "Ass, Shit and Above."  The devastation continues unabated with no concern for historical precedent.  There's no fucking escape.  You have been assimilated much like the victims of the Borg.

But here's what's totally insane.  Everyone is just carrying on as usual.  They're all seemingly unfazed.  Smiling, laughing, eating, drinking, talking, gesticulating, etc.  There's this crazy "we have accepted the stench - it has defeated us - there's nothing we can do about it" vibe.  There's an eerie parallel to the Iraq war.  Think about it.  Okay, were heading in.  Followed by the celebratory mission accomplished.  But then everything goes to shit.  No WMD's, civil unrest, roadside bombs.  Nonetheless, we stay the course.  Everything's plodding along and then all of a sudden... Boo-Yah!  Abu Ghraib hits you in the face.  Remember the infamous pyramid picture.  I wasn't in the room, but as far as disgusting smells go, this has gotta be the Wheeling equivalent. 

Now the obvious question.  What can any of us do about this olfactory atrocity?  Considering the Denver at New England (-14) divisional playoff game is tonight, I suppose we could pray like Tim Tebow.   Maybe we could "pray the smell away."  But prayer always fails.  Do you honestly think that Belicheck will be "praying to Jesus" for a victory?  There you go.  There's your answer.  After all, I don't give two shits how omnipowerful the lord is.  For the "scent of agony" makes the crucifixion look like an enjoyable round of putt-putt golf.

So prayer is out.  How about we just "Man-Up" like they do in the Miller Lite commercials.  That's right.  It's time to Man-up.  In this case, we need to initiate the "airing of grievances" (Frank Costanza).  Just do something about it.  Tell a waitress, tell a bartender.  Talk to the owner.  Talk to your friends.  Hell, Senator Joe Manchin is having those "West Virginia common sense meetings."  Broach the subject at the next town hall.  Write your congressman.  Hang out on the corner by Tim Hortons and hold up a sign.  Stand up and shout (Ronnie James Dio)!  Just somebody please do something.  Anything.  I've done all I can and consider this matter closed.  Until we get it fixed, I'll be at the 19th Ho.

Maury Povich executive producer Paul Faulhaber

There's a sharp dressed man who slightly resembles a youthful Drew Carey except he's more physically fit and better looking.  He lurks in the backstage bowels of the Maury Povich set.   Located near the green room amidst the enticing influences of sexy decoys, he provides a calm sense of reassurance to wayward guests.  Jubilant men who have been proven not to be the baby daddy.  Hysterical women that just discovered their husband of 2 years has cheated with over 35 women, roughly 200 times.  Perhaps he's consoling twin sisters, Venetia and Croatia.  Neither was able to establish paternity for their two girls, aptly named Uneek and Booteek.  But rest assured, when the shit hits the fan, none of the other Maury staff members will truly step up.  When the going gets tough, we can only rely on the even-keeled temperament of Paul Faulhaber.  I hold this truth to be self-evident.  Think about it...

Conflict resolution artist Trisha Goddard?   Well, she only shows up a few times a year.  She's currently in England penning her memoirs, probably at a pub in Manchester. 

What about that absurdly muscular, crew-cutted, tattooed behemoth?   The secret investigative, special black-ops, inspector-detector Dave Vitalli?  This guy is clearly "the shit."  He came up with a devious plan to expose the trustworthiness of some 19 year old McDonald's employee from Toledo, Ohio.  It was actually him texting that guy all night long.  It was Dave doing the sexting.  It wasn't that lingerie super model begging "Chingy" for a kiss and playfully admitting to an unusually intense desire to catch a glimpse of his private parts.  What a cunning, brilliant mind at work.  Dave, you had us all fooled.

Or what about the host of that show Cheaters, our good friend Joey Greco?  Well, he ain't gonna sully his reputation chasing down some dumbshit overturning chairs and punching walls in the corridor.  That wasn't part of his job description.  He's only there for one reason - to ascertain the origin of the used condom and mysterious sex stains.  Maybe it was "melting makeup."  I do not know.

How about any of the seemingly endless parade of fictitious interns?  Regrettably, they don't really exist.  News flash - they never have and never will.  It's all part of a relatively cunning operation to redirect federal money from the Department of Education.  Hopefully, when Rick Perry becomes president he'll shut down the whole damn program.  Atta boy, Rick! 

So what's my point?  Well, I've got some advice for Maury Povich executive producer Paul Faulhaber.  When anyone graces the Maury set, you need to display the city they're from.  This is pure gold and long overdue.  Every once in a while, distinguished guests will blurt out where they're from.

"When we get back to Shy-town, I'm throwing your ass out on the curb.  DEUCES!"
"Maury, he ain't livin' with me.  He can go live with that skank ho in Kentucky.  She dirty."
"BOO BACK!  BOO BACK!  BOO BACK!  Brooklyn baby!  HOLLA!"

I hope that's sufficient.

So let me make my appeal.  Paul, you've already proven that you're the true genius behind all that is Maury Show.  Without you, Maury would only be known as Connie Chung's bitch.  Not the worst distinction if it's from a dominatrix perspective.  "Maury is a smarmy sniveling worm" - say that 10X fast.  But yeah, you need to flash the name of the city or town of a guest's origin.  It means so much more and helps the viewer better relate.  When I see a routine dumb ass... of course I vicariously embrace them.  But if it read "Zanesville, Ohio" or "Paden City, WV,"  I would go absolutely apeshit.  Hell, I'd enjoy it if it read "Spokane, Washington" and I've never even been there.

Using those city taglines or "hypertext screen scrollers" or whatever the fuck they're called.  This is what made Playboy channel's Naughty Amateur Home Videos such a hit.  No viewers care about exactly who these random weirdos are.  We just want to know where they're from.  That's what makes it.  If I'm living in Mesa and an interracial comes on the screen (preferably dark black man with albino redhead chick), I need to know the following... "Who the fuck are these people?  Where are they from?"  Then it comes on the screen... Tempe, AZ.  Now that's what we call hook, line and sinker.

Paul Faulhaber - get this done and I'll make you a personalized hemp key chain that reads...

Paul "Enthrall" Haber

In this case, my word is my bond.

Occupy methodology

I've watched the slow demise of the Occupy (insert name of metropolitan city here) Movement.  If this movement suffers a renaissance or rebirth, I think you'll see two new innovative tactics come to fruition.  They'll be related to appearance and structure.  I'm really surprised we haven't seen the emergence of this stuff.  Perhaps it was because the protests were generally peaceful.  If things really go to shit (which at some point is inevitable), look for the following:

Identity seems to be a key issue when it comes to the Occupy protest movement, especially in this day and age of video cameras on every street corner imaginable.  If I were one of the more influential leaders, I would encourage my people to dress as similarly as possible.  This applies to both men and women.  Tennis shoes, jeans and same colored t-shirts and a ball cap.  Loose fitting, untucked t-shirts are a good idea because it makes it more difficult to determine gender.  This might not appeal to the clownish local stripper that drives around in that Hummer machine, but that's okay.  Other than the sky-rocketing cost of boob jobs and manicures, I doubt she's really concerned with oligarchies and financial corruption.   If I suspected trouble or encounters with the police, I would distribute surgical physician masks to everyone.  You know... the kind everyone wears on the subway when there's a flu epidemic or another Sars outbreak in Asia.  These masks are dirt cheap (you can get them at any dollar store).  Not only to help mitigate the effects of breathing in tear gas, but also, they help you blend in.  I'd also have a mammoth bag of charcoal at each protest.  Not only could this be helpful in building fires for warmth or destructive purposes, but you can also use a single briquet to smear your face and further conceal your identity.  Any long-haired hippies or dread-heads... tell those stank asses to tuck all that tic-infested hair into their ball cap.

Another option for mass identity concealment - it might be a good idea to encourage protesters to wear clothing representing the local sports team.  This area has enough extra Steelers jerseys to clothe the planet 4 times over.  And with the added touch of team loyalty, it becomes more emotionally difficult for law enforcement to advance on the group.  It would be akin to breaking up a celebratory tailgate in Gold Lot 1.  If the cops went after one of your fellow fans, people will likely grow irate (unless the douchebag is wearing a Bubby Brister jersey).  Hell, why not start up a "Here we go Steelers, here we go" chant?  Why are the pigs harassing those jubilant Steelers fans?  Why do they hate the Steelers so much?  Bastards.

By making everyone at the protest appear identical, you achieve two critical goals.  First, it gives off the appearance of tight-knit unity.  This resonates an "us against them" mentality if tension begins to escalate or the protest turns violent.  But more importantly, any effort by the authorities to identify specific vandals or instigators becomes an exercise in futility.  If everyone appears identical and you can't even distinguish simple facial characteristics, it will be difficult to prosecute specific alleged offenses down the road.  And most importantly, it's in keeping with the notion of decentralization.  The minute you establish a leader, the cause immediately falls under scrutiny and becomes identifiable.  And that's when the movement begins to break down.  I'm completely shocked you haven't seen this tactic employed in any of the Arab uprisings. 

Another fascinating Occupy strategy was one that happened accidentally at the Portland, Oregon protest.  Local police formed a wall and began to advance on the crowd with the intention of clearing the city park.  One of the protesters galvanized the entire crowd to walk to city hall.  So all the occupiers formed a "snake" and joined hands.  As the police followed them about a half mile to the city-county building, the "snake" wove it's way through the streets.  But it was on a Sunday and the building was closed.  As the police prepared to disperse the crowd, the same Occupier suggested they walk down to the bar/club district.  Again, the police followed.  This happened as it began to grow dark (perfect timing).  But this time, the "snake" began to pick up additional appendages.  Naturally, all the bar-hoppers and drunks wanted to be a part of the action.  So they joined in.  Some juggled tennis balls, others blared music on boom boxes.  And there's always someone who feeld the need to bang on a trash can aka "the drum circle."  The whole protest took on this festive, traveling circus-like atmosphere.  But here's the bonus... the occupiers picked up additional protesters and it increased their numbers and mass.  This is the ultimate goal of an movement... recruitment.  But once again, the question popped up - "now where do we go?"  And another voice from the crowd beckoned, "Let's go back to the park!"

So after about 4-5 hours of gradually snaking through downtown Portland, they simply ended up exactly where they had started.  But here's the clincher... faced with the likely prospect of the entire event REPEATING itself, rather than forcefully clear the park, the police chief decided to just call it a night.   Brilliant!   You've got figure that at some point, eventually the cops will want to go home, grab a doughnut and get some sleep.  Plus, there would inevitably be negative feedback from the local population if the cops are getting paid overtime and not accomplishing anything.  Why is there a line of cops following these deadbeats?  They look like complete fools.  It's as if they're the "tail" of the "snake."  The point - rather than sitting still and hunkering down, keep the protest MOVING.  You can wind through fast food drive-thrus, bank lobbies, construction sites, wherever, picking up strays along the way.  And most importantly, it becomes vastly more difficult for the cops to use tear gas, rubber bullets, water or sound weapons, etc. for fear of innocents getting sprayed in the process. 

I think both of these Occupy strategies are so obvious.  Why aren't people trying them?  The reason... well, I suppose it's because things haven't gotten THAT bad.  Of course the system is gradually eroding your personal rights and financial security, but it just hasn't reached that critical mass.  When it does, look for this stuff I'm yapping about.

And in response to perfecting identity confusion and the snake, I suspect you'll eventually see countermeasures employing the use of "crowd dispersal drones."  It's already happening along the border and in some DEA matters.  That's when things will likely get ugly.  When there are no cops.  Instead, it'll be some MIT undergrad in northern Virgina operating a drone on a crowded city street in Manhattan (not the one in Kansas).  Yep, that's when people are really going to get pissed off.  When big brother doesn't send in the police or dispatch the National Guard.  Instead, they send in the tiny drones.  Remember that guy who used to release the hounds?  Well, his name was Mr. Burns.  I recall one time when he sicked a robotic Richard Simmons on Homer Simpson.  Yep.  That's when society will have gone to shit... when the android Deal-A-Meal shows up with a vengeance.  Give it another 7-8 years or so. 

Steelers will crucify Tebow

I should have learned.  Never put your faith in the Cincinnati Bengalis or the Buffalo "B-Dub" Bills.  Chan Gay's team is up 21-0 and they sacrifice 49 unanswered points.  That's gotta be a record somewhere.  And then, Cincy can't finish in da' house against the thuggish purple clowns.  My point - our destination point was Denver from the git go.  Why the fuck did I even go through the motions?

When I saw the Pitt at Denver line this morning, I surmised their must be demonic influences at work.  The line is Pittsburgh -8!  You gotta be kidding me.  I thought it would be Steelers (-3.5).  Isn't this a playoff game on the road?  And that's after the recent Mendanhall injury, a hobbled raping burger and the absence of Ryan Clark (the ol' high altitude does not mix with sickle cell anemia excuse).  You never see that one listed in the injury update.  I vaguely remember Thurman Thomas having a bruised liver back in the late 90's.  It left you with this queasy, hollow feeling.

But Pixburgh is going to have to overcome something of far greater magnitude, something far more vast, something above and beyond... and that would obviously be a Christian combolicious tri-deity.  But wait a minute.  Hold the cell phone for cryin' out loud.  It just so happens, Big Ben worships the same entity.  Now what the fuck should we do?  Well... I figured it out.  We should root for the guy that prays the loudest.  God likes it that way.  This came to me in a dream last night.  A dream whose manifestation was derived from a rare combination of Jameson Irish whiskey and a rosemary-laden sauerkraut-pierogi-kielbasa-pork crock-around-the-clock concoction.  Let me reiterate this vision... volume = holy bliss and eternal sanctity.  And not just in football. This applies to all walks of life.  People need to know that the louder they pray, the more rewards they shalt reap.  Ohhh, the blessings.  On the televangelist circuit, we call it "harvesting a 10,000 dollar miracle bounty."

Anyhoo, I think this is Tebow's ultimate chance to die for the sins of the Broncos (and to a lesser extent, memorialize Jon Benet Ramsey - sorry).  Anytime the choir boy takes a snap from the shotgun formation, he must staunchly pose in the rarely seen "cross formation."  Imagine all those who would be touched by this unselfish act (see... God is using Tebow to communicate his will).  God requires meager human beings to vicariously express himself.  Our empty lives invariably touched for eternity.  In that same moment, here comes James Harrison fresh off suspension for the Colt McCoy concussion head shot.  Lo and behold, it's another blow to the head.  Months later, Tebow will sue him in a court of law.  His claim... the unethical helmet-to-helmet contact altered his perception of reality.  He actually began to toy with the dreaded prospect of non-belief in the almighty.  King James, you have been smited (past tense smote).  For this nation is smitten by Tebow.

But wait, it's not over.  Just as Tebow is about to announce his desire to "turn the other cheek," Casey Hampton (not to be confused with Casey Anthony - once again, sorry) smothers him with an abundance of gock.  For those unfamiliar with the term gock, it's merely a triumphant combination of gut and cock.  At the conclusion of this much-heralded gock-sack, Hampton sits on Timmy.  This evokes fond memories of a bad Happy Days episode featuring the funeral parlor Candyman villain.

Still, Tebow will absorb additional punishment.  For it is William Gay cuming on the corner blitz.  And just as he doth protest this relentless sodomization, a hostile pubic mass comes marching in.  Well metaphorically speaking, that's Troy Polamalu's Lloyd's of London, million dollar insured groin hair.   

I think you get the gist.  Still, the spread seems a bit high.  I do like the under at 35.5 though.  Vegas sharps must be thinking the same thing.  Hence...

Steelers 21 Broncos 3

Since I'm on that kick, here's my wildcard picks.

I'd take the Falcons (+3) at New York Giants.  Falcons are a decent road team and G-Men are coming off not one, but two, overly emotional games (Jets w/ the trash talking and Cowboys w/ the playoffs on the line).  I'd go Falcons 24  Giants 17.  Matt Ryan will win the game late.  And Eli won't be afforded the chance for a comeback.

The Cincy at Houston game's an interesting one.  Cincy has that nothing to lose, young punk attitude.  And their run defense is WAY better than it's looked the past few weeks.  I kind of like Cincy in another upset... say 21 to 20.  Think of it as payback for the 20-19 scoreline from a few weeks ago. 

Now the Saints are completely bad ass.  They are the ONLY team that stands a chance in Green Bay.  I just cannot fathom Detroit getting the upset here.  The spread is New Orleans -9.5.  I think Drew Brees will light it up early and have them playing catch up for the second half.  I could see the Lions doing a late back-door cover though.  Maybe Saints 51  Lions 45.  This could be the biggest total in playoff history.  Remember that Green Bay at Arizona playoff game from a few years ago.  Same premise.

So yeah, that's 3 road teams and 1 home team.  I just fed in the numbers and it's all 4 teams ($10 to win $68).  That's just picking winners, not spreads.  If you do the lines, it's $10 to win $123.  I'll do neither and just pray for a Pittsburgh victory.  But for the love of god, let me just say one thing god damn-it.   If we lose to this god-boy, I will renounce my faith in god.  But if there really is a god, and he happens to stumble across this blog (as he likely would the millisecond it autosaves through a time-honored policy of obsessive-compulsive omniscience), allow me to suggest that the time has come to... Crucify Tim Tebow.  Hey, they're playing on god's day of rest.  I wonder if the sacrilicious Timmy will be skipping church this Sunday.  Talk about measurable disdain for the Sabbath and keeping it holy.  Anyway, Steelers need to nail Tim Tebow to the cross.  That douchebag needs purified.  Think of it as modernizing the whole religious bit for sports junkies.  Kind of like what Fox News would do if Herman Cain played basketball. 

And call me crazy, but I just can't see Romney winning the Iowa caucuses tomorrow.  My hunch is the following order...

1) Ron "the nut" Paul
2) Mitt "the shit" Romney
3) Rick "the vest" Santorum
4) Newt "the wonk" Gingrich
5) Rick "the ass/dick" Perry
6) Michele "the clown" Bachmann

... and if Huntsman is even technically viable, he might get a few votes because Iowa-goers will enthusiastically get to say "yep, that Hunt... he can sure hunt."

But look for the whole process to KEEP GOING.  Nobody has a vested interest in dropping out.  They all know the same thing - I can parlay the exposure into a book tour, the lecture circuit or Fox News quasi-analyst route.  All I need to do is stay IN the news and be semi-relevant from time to time.  As uninspired and cumbersome as Pawlenty was, I just can't figure why he bailed so early.  Perhaps, Mitt threw him a VP bone.  I just don't see it though.  It's gotta be Romney/Rubio.

the dreaded middle airplane seat

Every single day, there are roughly 50,000 non-military airplanes that take off and land.  A statistically insignificant number will crash.  That seems pretty impressive, but it's probably not.  You're far more likely to die on the way to the airport.  You should take solace in this fact unless you're one of the poor souls who finds themselves in the unenviable middle airplane seat.  It's really not that big a deal if you're traveling with your spouse or a family member.  But if you're stuck in the middle between a pro wrestler and the creator of Funyuns, you're in for a predictably miserable experience.  Consider the direct JFK > LAX flight.  Ouch.

As I see it, here's the breakdown...

About 50% of the people who board an airplane do not want to wish to engage in conversation.  Most are willing to feed you an obligatory "hello," but then generally dissolve into their iPad, book/magazine or use the vomit bag to construct some kind of origami-frog. 

Another 25% will make brief, polite conversation from here and there.  This is the category I generally fall into.  I speak when spoken to.  If someone has a mundane weather observation, I'll gladly provide input.  But it's usually concise. 

Then there's another 10% who want to yap incessantly.  Annoying but generally harmless.  They'll try to engage you from the start.  But if you stand your ground, they will usually take the hint.

And it has been my experience that about 10% of the time, you're seated next to some moron who just can't shut the fuck up.  This is consistent with societal norms.  One time I was flying from Columbus to Phoenix, and I had the misfortune of sitting next to a large man who relentlessly impaled my tympanic membrane with discussion of his ostrich farm.  The lean quality of the meat, the friendly disposition of ostriches, the overall upswing in ostrich popularity, celebrities who've been to his ostrich farm (I vaguely recall Eric Estrada having visited), ostrich mating habits, anything ostrich-related was on the table.  And the guy didn't even live in Phoenix.  The asshole lived in Tuscon.  He had no shame whatsoever.  Completely unaware of his role as an unacceptable life form.  And suffice to say, this type of passenger almost always has chronic halitosis.

The last 5% are the people who have no business associating with humanity in general. Ahh, the subhumans who lack the ability to communicate due to a variety of issues.  Extreme paranoia requiring near lethal dosages of maximum strength Xanax, the unbearable notion of going the next 4 hours without a cigarette, fear of the plane crashing, fear of close proximity to others, maybe they never have boarded an airplane until this fateful day (meeting that new love in Vegas after a sordid, 48 hour, hot and heavy internet romance), etc. 

So what's my point?  At 41 years of age, I'm guessing I've boarded an actual airplane about 183 times.  I'd estimate that's a little above normal, but I'm obviously not in the category of Air Force, the executive business traveler, flight attendant or someone who travels extensively.  I'd say I've gotten stuck in the middle seat about 15% of the time.  And as I alluded to early, if you're in between two individuals of ample girth, that spells Uncomfortable with a capital "U."  I'm not homophobic, but I try my best to avoid male thigh-on-thigh contact.  Yes... I am complaining.  But I realize it's not like being waterboarded or sliding down a razor banister.  Back to my main point - if one or both armrests are unavailable, there's going to be some discomfort. 

So earlier, I defined the various types of airplane traveler personalities.  I did this for a reason.  There's not much I can do about "thigh and leg spatial violations."  But if you happen to get stuck in the middle seat, there needs to be a socially, universally acceptable way to ask for occasional use of the armrest.  So the question becomes, how and when is the best way to broach the subject.  Here's what I would suggest...

As the flight attendant goes through the routine safety procedures, he/she will come to the point where they explain oxygen mask protocol.  During this instant is your best chance.  As the flight attendant's arms are outstretched, glance up and say the following.  "Wow, looks like she has plenty of arm room.  I am sooo jealous!"  Then, immediately follow it up with a "lighthearted" apology - something along the lines of "Ohh, I can't believe I just said that.  I'm so sorry."

If either of the individuals seated next to you has any conscience (about 85%), they will acknowledge your dilemma.  Some will offer up the armrest immediately.  At this point, I would suggest responding with "Ohh, I won't need it for the whole flight.  Just from time to time so my arms and upper torso don't go numb."  Follow this up with just a hint of nervous, skittish laughter.  So there you have it.  I believe this to be the best solution (as it relates to constructive timing and reasonable etiquette) to the dreaded middle airplane seat, armrest problem.

Since I'm the only known person on the planet likely to have put this in writing, I must make the following demand.  My middle seat solution cannot be used on flights with a duration of less than 1 hour 26 minutes.  That's in-the-air flying time.  That seems like a reasonable limitation.  And just for the record, I have never flown first class.  So my observations all come from a coach perspective.   That would make a killer question for Mitt Romney, the man who likes to make $10,000 bets.  "Governor, have you ever sat in the middle seat?"  If he pauses and has to think about it (for more than just 2 seconds), it makes him look like an elitist.  If he responds, "Yes.  I have sat in the middle from time to time," it would likely be viewed as an outright lie.  Either way, it makes him look like a douchebag since virtually all his flight experiences have been on a private plane or at the very least, commercial first class (in which case the armrest argument is rendered mute).  Just the mere mention of having to sit in the middle...  it's almost as bad as the "how many times a day do you beat your wife" question.  Someone should try it.  Hell, it could sink his campaign.  

pornaments

I went for an interception yesterday in Gold Lot 6 before the Rams game.  The end result was me biting the dust, or in this case, asphalt.  A banged up knee bone and a sore chest.  I could be hobbled for a while.  But as expected, free tickets were plentiful.  Tons of no-shows.  Attendance rolled in at 60,081.  That's 5,419 no-shows.  Way to go Steeler Nation.  I wonder how many will bail on the Ravens at Bengals next week.   I'm a little torn on that one.  Of course I want the Ravens to lose and Pixburgh to secure the #2 or even #1 seed (doubtful as the Bills would have to beat the Patriots).  But the thought of Cincy losing a heartbreaker has a certain appeal.  I wouldn't mind going to Cleveland Stadium next week.  Surprisingly, I've never been there.

Nevertheless, I came up with an unusual idea last night.  As I gazed at Gig's Christmas tree, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.  Pornaments.  That's right.  With the mainstream acceptance of pornography coinciding with the disdain, rejection and demise of organized religion, this could be a huge hit.  Most of those adult video companies sign their female stars to long-term contracts.  Why not have miniaturized porn action figures, or in this case Christmas tree pornaments?  The porn stars would embrace the self promotion and I'm sure there are a slew of weirdos out there who would eagerly display the shit.  I'm not even going to bother addressing the notion of cast moldings and poses.  Suffice to say, they would all have functional, moving parts.  You could even sell accessories with them - mini-lingerie and sadomasochistic stuff (whips, chains, masks, etc).  The possibilities are endless.

Back in the mid 90's, me and Alex hung an inverted Christmas tree from the ceiling and decorated it with empty beer cans, ticket stubs and misc. crap.  The tip of the tree was suspended just an inch from the floor.  Ohhh, happy day.  Holy night.  Whatever.  Anyway, it received rave reviews.  That same year we were gifted an assortment of Peeps.  Peeps are those disgusting sugar-dyed marshmallow hen-like animals.  We removed from the container and tacked some of them to the wall.  Then we proceeded to throw darts at them.  This made for some weak entertainment.  Regrettably, the woman who kindly made us the candy assortment saw what we had done with her beloved Peeps.  She was not amused.  In fact, she was completely disgusted with both of us.  Honestly, were we really expected to consume them?

Anyway, the time is right for pornaments.  You could really draw the ire from social conservatives in an election year, thus greatly enhancing the concept.  Seriously, it's a win-win.

Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas

I know.  I know.  As usual, the Christian majority is aghast.  Once again, the damn government wants to "take the Christ out of Christmas!"  Look here.  Look what they gone done.  They won't let our congressman/woman send out a card that says "Have A Merry Christmas."  This is political correctness gone awry.  I've had it up to here.  This is a Christian nation, damn it!  I'm sick n'tard of all these nonbelievers imposing their will on the defenseless majority.

Alright, let's tear this shit apart.  First, this is not a Christian nation.  The "founding fathers" espoused a government, of the people, by the people, for the people.  Back in the day, they went to great lengths to forgo the notion of some magical deity that commanded the populace like a marionette.  There's a reason they made specific mention that it was "the people" who all politicians must inevitably answer to.  Not some bearded, hovering grandfatherly figure.

But now it's gotten much worse.  For god's sake, you can't even tell people to "have a happy holiday."  What's the world coming to?  This would actually imply that the government is endorsing any religion.  What about those who don't celebrate the holidays.  We mustn't offend the atheists and infidels.  It could irreparably damage their sensibilities.  We can't command them to embrace notions of seasonal joy.  But just wishing people, "happy holidays"... well... I guess that's okay.  Kind of like saying Happy Hump Day.  Yeah, I get it.

But here's the real deal for all you arch conservative, anti big government right wing tea-baggers.  Rather than bitching up a storm about this overreach of politically correct behavior, why not think about the issue from my perspective.  If you take the blinders off, you'll find it coincides with your own view.  Why on earth is the government footing the bill for holiday greeting cards on the tax-payer dime?  Why are U.S. citizens forced to pay for this nonsense?  Every Senator, every member of the House sends out this gibberish in order to ingratiate themselves with their constituency.  Think about it.  Not only does it offer an unfair advantage from a campaigning perspective, it's just in incredibly poor taste.  Gaudy snowmen and horny mall store Santas, sandwiched betwixt frolicking elves - posing jubilantly amidst your extended family.  Sickening. 

And how about that appointed panel or commission established to make an official determination regarding exactly what particular message should be deemed offensive.  This disgusts me more than the aftermath of a combined beer/wine/scotch/eggnog induced evening of revelry.  Another waste of the tax dollar.  That's right.  I'm addressing you, you Rushtic Limbaughns?  I'm talking to you, you overindulgent mangerial idiots who always think prayer is the answer.  I've got some really bad news.  Prayer does nothing.  All that time and effort in vain.  You could have been sewing an itchy, woolen baby blanket or making your traditional sausage, ham, bologna and bacon omelette.  Instead, you went to church.  Kudos.

My point - let's get rid of these imbecilic government holiday greeting cards altogether.  Happy holidays, merry Christmas, abysmal kwanzaa, whatever...  Dispose of all this nonsense.  If a government official craves the desire to mandate dispensation of seasonal enjoyment, let them do it with their own money.  I suggest everyone send their politician the following message.  In my case it would go something like this...

Hey, Senator Rockefeller - take your greeting card and stick it up your ass.

Yo, James Manchin - why don't you go caroling with that Charleston pedophile mall store Santa?

Representative McKinley - On the 12th day of Christmas, my congressman gave to me... the gift of watching you engage in bestiality with the lead reindeer.  In this case, I'm hoping for a genetically mutated manimal named Rudolph McKinley.

We're done here.  Happy Hanukkah.

Civil Emergency in this area until 1:24 PM EST Take Shelter Now U.S. Govern

If you happen to reside in central New Jersey (specifically Monmouth, Ocean and Middlesex counties) and are a Verizon customer with a "cellular enabled device," you may have gotten the scare of a lifetime.  What happened on Monday afternoon, December 12, 2011 strikes me as something far more than a casual accident.  I'll let these 2 pictures speak for themselves...

CMAS just means Commercial Mobile Alert System

Now that second one looks a tad more menacing.  Nothing like a request to "Take Shelter" due to a "Civil Emergency."  Seriously, it evokes images of students being told to hide under their desks because the Soviet Union just launched a nuclear missile.  And guess what - it's heading straight toward central New Jersey.  Can you imagine the public reaction if this message was distributed at 1:24 AM, instead of during the pleasant afternoon hours?  If the majority of users had been awoken in the middle of the night, I think the public reaction would have made been vastly more severe.  In fact, the timing of the message seemed deliberate.  It was sent at 12:27pm during a period of relative calm, while many were on their lunch break (or if it was Snookie and the Jersey shore crew, they were probably just waking up after a night of binge drinking, arguing and brawling, eventually resulting in a deviant orgy).  My point though... the timing of this emergency text seems purposely attenuated to do "as little" damage as possible.  But someone must have had a purpose when they chose the specific 57 minute duration or the precise time until the emergency was to be lifted.

The content of the message was exactly the same, whether it was on your Android phone, I-Pad or whatever.

There have been plenty of articles written about it, but as I type this, the mainstream media appears content to just let the matter expire.  Since the issue of text induced panics and artificially generated stampedes has plagued my mind since mid-March of 2011, I simply cannot let this matter fall by the wayside.

Here's one of several articles written about the matter (they all say basically the same thing).

http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2011/12/just_a_test_but_verizons_civil.html

Verizon issued an apology and a retraction - stating there was no emergency and the original message should have included the phrase "test message."  Apparently, Verizon deemed this an "accident" (in an email from the company).  Sounds to me like a company spokesperson may have been coerced through government intimidation.  But this did nothing to allay fear as 911 calls poured in.  In a timely response (90 minutes later), the Federal Department of Homeland Security issued a statement stating there was "no emergency."  So glad the Janet-planet Napolitano-behemoth was there to offer a helping hand.  Way to go!  And so informative...  Reminds me of the post 9/11 run on duct tape.

There's a complete lack of accountability with regard to who was ultimately responsible for this.  And that's the only thing that DOES make sense with this fiasco.  Who on earth would personally step up and take the blame for this one?  Nobody, because this was likely NOT an accident.  Whoever sent this message out had a very specific agenda.  Maybe it was someone who had been consistently overruled or scoffed at, perhaps part of a larger bureaucratic turf war.  From where though?  You could probably take your pick.   Maybe a liaison between the New Jersey state and federal Department of Homeland Security?  Maybe a higher-up at Verizon that doesn't want to play ball with the federal government - someone worried about potential litigation and exposure.  How about someone at FEMA trying to exert their influence in opposition to the ill-advised time frame of the 2012 federal role-out of PLAN (Personal Localized Alert Network)?  Maybe an underling at the FCC who was recently demoted and has utter contempt for their boss?  Who really knows about the source of origin?  But we can establish one thing for certain.  Whoever did this, it's one of 2 things - they either share my specific, grave concerns OR were trying to exert leverage and influence in some way from within big business, but more likely the guvmint.   Odd I suppose, because the United States is the most attentive government on the planet.  It has always shown a penchant for deliberately weighing the concerns of its employees.  Every single one of them.  Particularly those who have a problem with the trajectory, methodology and intentions of big brother.

My fundamental argument - this text alert was NOT an accident.  It had a purpose, whether it be noble or nefarious (conceviably a combination of both).  There is a reason things like this happen.  They don't "just happen" like when a guy sleeps with his wife's mother on Maury Povich.  "Ohhh Murry, we were drinking ya know, and uhhh, well, it just happened Murry.  I'm sorry (in a diplomatic tone).  (followed by a sheepish) Will you forgive me?"
  
And I have a weird hunch that 1:24pm might signify something.  Maybe it's an important date (1-24-12 or January 24, 2012) with regard to the PLAN role-out.  Perhaps someone is implying, if don't get your shit together and warn people that these systems are not 100% secure by such and such a date...  but I'd rather not go down the  conspiracy/numerology route.  It's just a strange hunch.  Because someone must have had a legitimate reason for selecting "1:24" pm.  You don't just capriciously pick a specific time.  Ohhh, let's say 1:24... on a whim, I guess.  No fucking way.

And I couldn't help but notice that the message was sent immediately following the end of the "home game" portion of the college football season (it ended this weekend with the annual Army/Navy game at Fed Ex Field in Washington, DC).  The timing here seems a bit coincidental, too  As if to say... well, we got lucky this year, but eventually this streak of good fortune is going to end (regarding the potential for an artificially generated stampede).  After all, the upcoming bowl games would likely NOT be an issue - only home campus games with regard to the campus text alert system.  If this particular aspect doesn't make any sense, just scroll down and read the 9th chapter of my book...

http://sonofsaf.com

That should clear up any confusion.  Well, I'm going back to bed.  Leaving for Arizona in a few hours.  I just had to get this shit off my chest.  Civil Emergency in this area until 1:24 PM EST Take Shelter Now U.S. Govern... I wonder what the next one will say.  All I know is that it will express some form of content.  But the question, what will be the intent.  And will it be yet another "accident?"

One more thought - why did this happen in New Jersey?  Perhaps because it's the most densely populated state in the country and it rivals New York City for major Homeland Security funding?  Or is that just another coincidence?  Why didn't that unintentional text alert go out to unexpected Verizon customers in the Bartlesville, Oklahoma area?  Just something else to think about.

Callista Gingrich will soon be sodomized (but not by Sandusky)

I watched some of the Republican debate recap this morning.  Good stuff.  I've come to one conclusion... The Republican party has really fucked itself.   I think the Iowa caucuses are going to provide no clear-cut winner.  And I think ALL of the Republican candidates, especially the lesser-tier (Santorum, Bachmann, Huntsman) will spin it that way in their post interviews.  I think they'll all say the same thing - "Iowa didn't give us a clear preference... so we're going forward to New Hampshire and South Carolina, Florida and so on."  Perry's probably thinking along the same lines except it's New Mexico, South of the Border, Panama, and so forth.

Every candidate seems to occupy a niche within the right wing.  And it's diluting everyone's brand.  Now factor in the aggressive retail campaigning of Santorum and Paul, even Bachmann.  They all have strong ground games.  Organization is critical in the caucus setting.  Unlike myself, some of these voters will sit in a church basement for over two hours.  Is it any wonder all of the candidates are so desperate to appeal to the anti-gay, prayer in school, religious fodder?  Look who has won the Iowa primary in the past - Pastor Huckabee, the fucking Reverend Pat Robertson for cryin' out loud? Seriously, what the fuck is that???  Still, the higher-tiered candidates fight back with heavy advertising.  Makes for a tangled mess.  Which I think is completely cool.  And why wasn't Jon Huntsman at the debate?  Betting your entire candidacy on New Hampshire is horribly naive for someone trying to portray themselves as a sensible, reasonable politician.  Much like Giuliani bet it all on Florida in the last go-around.  Bad move.  He never really stood a chance anyway.

And when Romney extended that $10,000 bet to Rick Perry, Perry should have said, "Uh Mitt, Mormon's don't gamble."  Could have raised himself another mil.  Regrettably, Perry ain't that quick on his feet, err uh, cowboy boots.

So anyway, the point of this blog.  A couple weeks ago I wrote about how Gingrich, or for that matter any of the field, could destroy Mitt Romney's campaign.  So this entry will be about how to annihilate Newt Gingrich.  Let's just say the gloves are going to come off.  I think Romney's team or a conveniently affiliated 527 group is gonna go after Newt's wife.  F'in A!  They could show that stoic, botoxed smile of hers when they bring up Newt cheating with Callista while his cancer-stricken wife was lying in a hospital bed.  The images would be brutal.  How's that for a negative attack ad.  This is the ultimate crushing death blow.  I'll put it in UFC terms - it's the Jon Jones guillotine choke on Lyoto Machida.  You can't counter it, because you've been knocked out.  Or if you prefer a 1980's wrestling reference - it's that lard-ass, monster-boobed New Yorker, Adrian Adonis, latching on with a sleeper hold. 

Newt has shown that he can handle all the smear tactics.  And Newt seems less immune to the flip-flop charges because he's viewed a fighter.  The acrimony recanted by fellow Republicans he served with in the House - nobody seems interested in hearing about it.  Charges that he was a "lobbyist" for Freddie Mac - they just don't seem to stick.  And he has distanced himself from all the ethics violations from the 90's (Although I think it's an issue, I really don't think most Americans care about it).  All that stuff, it just bounces off him... kind of like a Teflon-Newt.  I'm tellin' you what.  Newt Gingrich is the John Gotti of politics.  So when the gloves really do come off, they'll go after Callista - that devious, cheating mistress.  She's really an inviting target.  Hey, what the hell, let's bring back images of her and the gaudy jewelry from Tiffany's.  Photoshop a picture of her wearing multiple strands of pearls and a diamond-encrusted tiara.   Bring on the bling.  The first ever "conniving, scheming, deceitful, mistress shrew-bitch."  Is this really who we want as President and "first lady?"

I can't be the only one devising this strategy.  Romney's team probably calls it the "bombardment option."  "Nuclear option" might not be a politically correct term at the moment.  They probably polled a focus group of Iranian-American dissidents.  Now you could make the claim... what if it backfires?  Newt might appear courageous in coming to the defense of his wife (although he would refer to it as an act of "obstinate chivalry").  But it's hard to defend the honor of a woman who looks so phony and synthetic.  And something in my gut (which has added about 7 pounds recently - not kewl, need to start running again) tells me she just couldn't handle the humiliation.  How cool would that be.  She would go B-A-N-A-anas.  I could even envision watching her run.  Yeah, right.  Running straight to her family doctor for a maximum strength Xanax prescription.  Hell, let's make fun of her in that way too.  Just say that Callista is sooo privileged.  In her case, it's the doctor that must make the rare house-call.  For she is a real life sedentary Barbie-princess. 

The best scenario would be for Romney to get another candidate to the dirty work.  Rick Perry has demonstrated with an unusual degree of skilled acumen that he indeed could be this perfect dolt.  The guy literally cries out - "I am a complete joke and I have a ton of money to spend.  My campaign team raised all this cash.  Would one of you real candidates please exploit me?  I'm beggin' ya."

On an entirely different note, I have grown really sick of Tim Tebow and the in-your-face proselytizing.  I've never cared for Roethlisberger either (and his relentless pointing to the heavens above).  But I tolerate him cuz it's Pixburgh na't.  But Tebow?  I despise, loathe, detest and have a great deal of animosity for.  I'd love to see Ray Lewis or Terrell Suggs knock him out in Denver.  This could happen.  What if the Ravens head to Mile High (er uhh, Invescothon) as the 5th wild card seed.  I hope Tebow's Christian ass gets repeatedly pummeled with a hint of broken spine.  Wouldn't it be absolutely insane if Tim ended up like our friend TIMMY! (think South Park character).  Alright, that's enough.  I'll stop before I say something really hurtful.  Well... just one more thing.  We really need a high profile NFL player who's a devout atheist or worships the devil.  I'd even break from steadfast tradition and buy an officially licensed jersey.  Everyone else gets to celebrate this time of year.  Why not me?  Seriously, is this asking too much?

But I do stand by my assessment - I think we're going to see a vicious Callista Gingrich lynching in the very near future.  It's the most plausible, effective way to take out Newt.  Poor Callista.  We hardly knewt you.  I love politics.  I cannot wait.

facebook will dismantle the online gambling industry

I just finished reading a brief article about how facebook is drawing advertising revenue from online gambling companies.  It got me to thinking.  Yeah, I know online gambling is illegal in the U.S.  Hell, our legislators have deemed it immoral.  If people gambled on pro sports, it could take a bite out of the church bingo circuit and hurt the scratch-off nonsense and state mega-lottery ticket sales.  Thank god we have a noble Congress that can enact laws on which type of gambling is morally acceptable.  And they've done a great job... because nobody can gamble on pro-sports.  Everyone knows it's illegal, thus nobody will be wagering on the Thursday night game (except about 200,000 people). 

The point - if you really want to gamble, you don't need to go down to the Sportsman's in downtown Wheeling and broker a bet with some guy named Lefty "Quick Draw" McSweeny.  All you do is go online, set up an account with a reputable company based in Costa Rica or Barbados (really anywhere), and they will be more than happy to extract 10% (even up to 15%) off you for every losing wager. 

But facebook has an unusual distinction.  Hundreds of millions of registered users.  They have the potential to turn the entire gambling world upside down.  How?  Pier-to-pier gambling.  It's a concept I invented this morning.  It has always been out there.  Think of it more like a toned-down office pool or just betting amongst your friends.  What if facebook set up a neutral, age-verified gaming site of their own?  In the meantime, they could just set up their subsidiary office outside the U.S. 

But here's the kicker designed to reek absolute havoc with all the conventional gambling sites.  It would be based on safely and securely wagering against your friends.  A regular gambling site sets you up with an initial amount of money (via credit card or bank draft) and then it takes its cut off your losing bets.  Facebook has the potential to completely dismantle this business model.  They could set you up with an intermediary account (much like paypal) and take a far less significant cut.  Their percentage could be more like 1%-2%, because they would make it up in VOLUME.  They already have the largest established user base on the planet.  My idea is "friends betting directly against their friends."  Instead of the traditional bookie making pay-outs or collections, you take the money directly from one of your facebook friends.

And it would be virtually impossible for U.S. legislators to crack down on this practice.  All the laws and regulation in the world can't do away with that NCAA Final Four office pool.  Of course, my idea has some far-reaching consequences.  But it's all based along the simple premise - is it okay if the government comes knocking on your door and says, "Hey, you made a personal wager with a friend of yours on the Browns-Steelers Thursday night game.  Guess what, you're under arrest!"  Although I'm sure this might appeal to a few Mormon Iowa caucus-goers, I don't see it happening from a practical perspective. 

Of course, the legal hurdles are problematic.  But once you get past the age verification issues, it just becomes a form of widespread, DECENTRALIZED online gambling.  I'm going to make a bold prediction here.  The U.S. Congress and the courts will eventually realize that these online gaming companies aren't going away.  They'll have to make it legal at some point.  The internet has transformed the gambling industry.  Of course there will be the customary resistance to the status quo... but eventually it's gonna happen.  At that instant in time, facebook will instantly become the biggest bookie on the planet.

And they can even target you based on your all your past posts.  Everyone knows who just checked-in at Heinz Field.  Here we go Steelers, here we go.  Yeah, I'd probably take Pittsburgh tonight.  The spread is -14.  Let's say 31-10.

How Ginrgich could terminate Romney

A month ago I devised of a way to destroy the Mitt Romney campaign (preferably in Iowa).  While I still think my idea has merit (the busload of ethnically diverse supporters accidentally filmed at all the Romney campaign stops), I surmised a much easier way.  Everyone seems to agree that it's all coming down to Romney and Gingrich.  I suppose Ron Paul will place somewhere in Iowa caucus contention (probably 3rd), but all the others are generally viewed as a joke.

Santorum - rigorous, valiant campaigner, but no cash
Bachmann - an absolute joke except to her immediate family and the Palin offspring.
Cain - I think he'll withdraw tomorrow.  Never had a real campaign.  Won't fare well in Iowa anyway.
Huntsman - just can't seem to break out past the 2% threshold
Perry - has money, but is the biggest rodeo clown of them all.  Just not ready for the grand stage.  Kind of shocked he was able to rise to the level of governor of a major state (even in a state filled of Texanic yokels)

So it will likely be Romney vs. Gingrich.  I think all the candidates know one immutable fact.  NONE of them will be selected for the veep slot if Romney gets the nomination.  Romney wants nothing to do with any of them for the same basic reasons their campaigns have failed.  He'll likely choose someone like Marco Rubio (FL) or maybe Portman (OH) - for help in a crucial swing state.  Or go with a respected outsider like John Thune (R- South Dakota).  Gingrich obviously knows this, so he'll likely go for blood.  Mormon blood!  I think that's a dark shade of lavender.  Others have tried to knock off Mitt and failed miserably.  Rick Perry worked the illegal immigrant angle - Romney employed a contractor to do some landscaping work (totally fucking weak).  Even worse, Perry couldn't finish the hatchet job.  It's sad when you memorize your own attack lines and end up looking like the fool.  Perry is real-life microcosm of the movie JackAss.

Anyway, how to besmirch Romney or make him suddenly lose front-runner status...
Let's start by putting out the following premise we can all agree on.  Republican primary voters can't stand Obama.  This is something we can all take for granted.  Gingrich should try and make Romney look like Obama.  Draw the parallel.  How can he do this... portray him as the fundraiser-in-chief, just like Obama (the campaigner-in-chief, not doing the job, etc. blah).  This would overshadow any of the picayune policy positions.  He could say, "Look this guy has been campaigning for the presidency for the past 8 years.  Do we really want MORE OF THE SAME, or will you trust your gut and try something different."  Although Newt's a total Washington insider, this puts Romney on the defensive.  It bodes well for the attack style of Gingrich.  Hell, the guy has no shame, doesn't care if anyone thinks he's a hypocrite - so why not go all out?  The question is how and when....


Anf here's the answer.  You don't just make the assertion, you offer up tangible proof.   Ever since McCain disposed of Romney in the 2008 primary, Romney has been buying up airtime on every cable network.  Does anyone remember all those "I'm your neighbor, I'm your dentist, I'm your teacher, I'm your anaesthesiologist when you got that colonoscopy, and I'm a Mormon commercials?"  They've ran fucking non-stop for years... then mysteriously they came to an end.  Well, they just didn't suddenly disappear...  they morphed into the Foundation for a Better Life commercials.  Now, it's these ones that play ad nauseum.  WHY?  Because the Romneyites were trying to raise the comfort level among Republican primary voters (nationwide, but particularly in Iowa and South Carolina which is an absolute necessity).  Subconsciously blend the ad campaigns.  This is our best shot.  It should dim the wits of the already dimwitted Fox viewers. 


So here's what Sir Gingrich Newton should do.  During the next high profile debate, he should directly call out the Romnathon.  "Listen Mitt, we all know that these endless Foundation For a Better Life commercials are part of a larger, slicker campaign strategy to put you in the White House.  The American people are TIRED of all this bait-and-switch maneuvering.  We already got plenty of that with the Obama "hope and change" campaign.  Look where that got us.  Now, you're the one trying to pull a fast one on the American people.  The voters want someone who can do the job, not a "window-washer trying to exploit the gullibility of the masses.  If you select me, you'll get a REAL candidate.  If you choose Mitt, you'll get another empty campaigner, devoid of anything SUBSTANTIVE.  It's up to the voters.

But here's the clincher.  After figNewton launches this offensive, he should call on Romney (face to face) to stop running all those Foundation advertisements.  This is a big deal because it gives Mitt only 2 viable options - both of which totally suck and destroy his credibility.  Both are lose-lose.  If he withdraws all the ads, it makes him Romney look like a total chump.  Hey, did you see how Newt called him out on the ads and Romney buckled - what a fucking pussy!  We'd be fools to nominate that phony.  But even better, Mitt probably cannot withdraw the ads (due to contractual obligations with the networks).  This scenario is worse because Newt has tied him to a deceptive, untrustworthy strategy.  And what's the fundamental reason Romney can't get over the 25% hurdle with Repub primary voters...  They don't trust him to be a "classic conservative" - they all think he's a flip-flopper.

So let's say, the Foundation ads continue unabated - it becomes this endless, incessant reminder of how Mitt tried to pull a fast one on the American public - the ultimate loser scenario for Mitt.  That's what's so brilliant - Romney loses either way.  There's no snappy comeback for this one.  And I doubt he's prepared to address the matter.  Odd, because Mitt has an answer for everything.  Mitt really is... the shit.

And if I were as evil as Newt (I'm not, but let's say hypothetically I was), I would make it a point to laughingly bring up that infamous, imbecilic basketball commercial.  This is the one where the kid tells the coach he "touched the ball on its way out of bounds."  Everyone has seen this commercial and when Newt calmly explains that it doesn't make any sense because the ref ALREADY made the call, the audience would erupt in laughter.  Newt should say, "Only Mitt Romney would find comfort and justification in a referee illegally flip-flopping on an out-of-bounds call that has already been made."  Then, Newt should go in for the kill and explain, "I hate to sound condescending, but the irony is really overwhelming.  Out of all of them, I think Mitt probably produced that one.  He's very hands on.  After all the kid did touch the ball when it went out of bands.  See, there's the proof."

But this is really powerful, because it destroys Mitt on credibility, not policy.  Then Newt can go in for the kill with some long-winded discussions about foreign and domestic positions.   I think that's the way you annihilate Romney - you turn him into a joke.  Nobody wants to be affiliated with the joke-of-a-candidate.  Everyone can accept some differing opinions on climate change, varying degrees of tax cuts, maybe even abortion.  But absolutely nobody wants to align themselves with the town idiot.  Especially in a caucus-style setting where everyone in the room sees who you're pulling for.

So when do you pull off this stunt.  Well, they just announced that Donald Trump (my favorite douchebag to the dumbshits) will be moderating the Dec. 27 debate in Iowa.  What better a time to deliver a crushing deathblow?  Romney will be playing total defense as usual.  Gingrich comes in and smothers Mitt with his gock (for those who don't know, that's a combination of gut and cock).  Romney has no time to launch a counteroffensive and his campaign gets seriously hampered heading into New Hampshire.  Gingrich vaults into second place in NH - doesn't matter how bad Romney beats him if he places second.  Then, it's onto South Carolina where the backwoods, Jesus freaks are terrified of a Mormon.  Gingrich wins again.  2 out of 3 should do it. 


Please keep in mind, I think all the Republican candidates (with the exception of Ron Paul) are totally excrementilicious.  That might sound like a ringing endorsement, but trust me, it means they're all joyful, heralded piles of excrement (aka shit).  I'll be voting for Obama.  And the real irony of me writing this particular blog, if it has to be a Republican in the White House, I'd feel much more comfortable with Romney.  Romney's a phony but Gingrich is pure evil.

McDonald's 20-piece chicken mcnugget observations

I noticed that McDonald's has been pushing their 20-piece chicken McNugget extravaganza on the population at-large.  They do this from time to time, just as McRib seemingly goes on some kind of seasonal fast food sabbatical.  The prospect of consuming 20 McNuggets in one sitting is an intriguing one.

I wanted to do some analytical research, so I searched for the latest McCommercial.  I accidentally came across this abomination...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9H9ykygUZU&feature=related

I think this seemed geared toward the Slum Dog Millionaire kids.  If I was an impoverished child living in southern India, this commercial seems like the "party of a lifetime."  If I was the 4th of 9 starving children living in a 2 bedroom apt. surrounded by absolute squalor, what would I realistically dream about?  Probably the 20 piece.  I always wondered if they should have a curry dipping sauce.  I'm not too hip on curry, but how about tandoori dipping sauce?  In Wheeling, WV, we call that spicy buffalo.

I'm getting way off topic.  The purpose of this blog was to invoke the age-old question...  At what point does the law of diminishing marginal returns (utility/satisfaction) enter into the equation when applied to a $4.99 box of 20 Chicken McNuggets?  For those who never took Econ 101, this just means...  at what point during the McConsumption do you begin to feel less satisfied with your crispified, steroid-injected, oblong-shaped (yet somehow miraculously consistent with 5 variations of the word circular) chickified pieces?

First: the customary disclaimer:  I hit the drive-thru in Elm Grove about once every 45 days.  I usually just get 2 of the dollar meal items per trip.  When I think McDonalds... I think of it in terms of "tiding me over."  Eat just enough to satiate my grease craving.  I have never ordered a 20 piece.  I have no such intention.  I doubt I ever will.  I have purchased a 9-piece on 2 or 3 occasions back in the early 1990s.  The shameful truth - with the much heralded 20-piece ringing in at 5 bucks, it just seems outside my comfort zone.  And if I wanted fries, that ups my meal to the $7.00 range.  Purchasing the small fries (now it's just misleadingly labeled medium) is rarely enough.  I think they give you about 23 fries in that lilliputian coffee filter.  I normally don't buy fast food fountain beverages, but if I did, when you add in tax, that's surpassing the $8.00 range.  MY POINT - I just don't feel mentally okay with splurging in the $10 range at McDonald's.  Perhaps if I had a Xanax prescription or some Steubenville oxycontin, it would see me through.

So McSaffy... if you go to McDonald's, what is it that you actually consume?  People who know me are aware of one immutable fact - I have never eaten a Big Mac.  At 41 years of age, isn't it about time?  The answer is an unequivocal no.  I just can't seem to get past the thousand island dressing that's always oozing out the sides.  I've witnessed this happen in real life.  Usually the perpetrator is seated by himself and seems to have an abundance of exposed shoulder hair peaking through his t-shirt.  The t-shirt invariably reads "Allied Waste Management" or "Mr. Bubble - It makes bath time fun!"   Again, I digress.  So what do I actually buy at McDonald's?

For breakfast: Sausage burrito (w/ hot sauce) OR Sausage McMuffin OR Egg McMuffin AND hash brown.
For lunch: McDouble OR 4-piece McNuggets AND medium or large fries.
For dinner: I don't eat at McDonald's after 3pm so it's non-applicable.

And every once in a while I'll buy a caramel sundae.  Sometimes I'll get a kid's meal.  When they ask me if it's a boy or girl, I tell them the question is patently offensive.  "What do you have in the realm of toys for the transgendered?  Is there an LGBT option?  This is West Virginia.  Ya know... I could sue all your McAsses."

So if you've you've journeyed this far in the blogging experience, I feel compelled to answer the earlier question I posed about the 20-piece chicken consortium.  At what point does one grow weary during the brightly-lit dining experience?  When does it become McCumbersome?  After being bombarded by that electronic cash register's incessant, piercing, synthetic noise in the background, when do you look down at the burnt sienna tray of gruel and mutter "Ugghhh, I've had enough."  After all, isn't that what America is really about?  It's easily the best question for a prime time Republican debate:

Ron Paul - thinks every American should have the freedom to buy chicken on an individual McNugget basis (25 cents per nug).

Newt Gingrich - refuses to acknowledge that he ever lobbied for the fast food industry.  He just gave speeches about how tasty their products are (from a historical perspective, of course).  Newt's favorite item would likely be the discontinued Arch Deluxe.

Herman Cain - showered the McDonald's female regional manager with compliments and offered to broaden her horizons.  He lavished her with meals at Chick-Fil-A and a tour of Tyson chicken farm in Arkansas or wherever.

Rick Santorum - fights for the lives and dignity of all chickens.  Abhors the concept of using embryonic chicken cells. 

Mitt Romney - flip flops between McNuggets and McChicken sandwiches.  Finally has taken a stand on drummies after years of preferring "double boners" aka "the flatties."  (jbdczr - just wondering if you still read my nonsense - hope you're enjoying you're Florida vacation).

Jon Huntsman - nobody cares about this traitor.  Might as well be the ambassador to Burger King.

Michelle Bachmann - has the same bold opinion on any chicken-related topic... "I want to make Barack Obama a one-term president." 

Rick Perry - can't seem to get his fowl straight.  He's heard of chicken and quail but can't seem to remember the last one (ooops... it's pheasant).  But he does have great admiration for the Dick Cheney hunting experience.   


Chris Christie - if he were in the race, I believe his magic number would be 24.  Had to snag an extra 6-piece.

Sarah Palin - as a fox News analyst, she'd chime in how wonderful all the answers were.  They all have one thing in common.  They all gave better answers than our current president or anyone from his failed administration.

SAF - so you've reached the end of my early morning blogging experience.  I couldn't get back to sleep.  The answer you seek... drum roll please................. 8.  After digesting the eighth blessed McNugget, I would be impacted by the laws of diminishing marginal satisfaction.  So for me, the 20-piece was never really an option.  Happy to weigh in though.

On an unrelated note... I made a new thug-inspired double sonofcd.  The last one (sonofsucka/sonofshiznit) was very well received.  This new compilation is titled sonofcisco/sonofsticky-icky.  Just ask for it by name.