For the love of God, life can't get much stranger. I just got off the phone w/ my neighbor Bill. Needless to say, he was in a FIT OF RAGE. For 10 minutes and 46 seconds he proceeded to call me every derogatory name in the book. I could hardly get a word in edgewise. I barely know this guy. The 3 or 4 times we've spoken in 5 years, he has always been incredibly confrontational. Not overtly hostile, but always exceedingly direct and caustic. Over the years, we've pretty much had what I'd call a "policy of successful avoidance." Well, until today...
I'll start from the beginning. I had my annual Pre-Memorial Day party on Saturday. Pretty good turnout despite the bad weather. I'd say about 25 people showed up and we had a good time. I got good reviews from everyone I spoke with afterwards. Nothing too crazy - just some drinks, foosball, dome - you know the drill. Anyway, I had about 8 skids and some firewood for the fire pit down below. Nobody went down to the pit because of the inclement weather, so I had my "point man" TFE burn some skids for a nice visual effect from the upper deck. Anyway, there has always been this telephone pole that sits about 3 feet inside my neighbor's yard. I use it to delineate the property line for mowing purposes. Even though it's not exact, it has always sufficed. It's an awkward property line for a variety of reasons. Never been a problem... until today. You see... here's what happened on Saturday. TFE "leaned" against the pole and it started to fall over. So he just decided to knock it over and throw it in the firepit. At the time, I thought to myself, Oh well - it was an eyesore - served no purpose - was probably built by accident - and it's about as half as thick as a normal telephone pole - and the bottom was half-corroded because it stands in the valley of the lawn where water collects. Plus, he never walks over there anyway. The only people who come into remote contact w/ the thing, until Saturday, were his army of hired soldiers (his groundskeeping crew) and I guess Gil White's mom may have brushed up against it a month ago when she charged recklessly into his pool. Anyway, the thing was corroded pretty badly at the bottom. TFE rocked it, it fell over and he threw it in the pit.
Well, all HELL broke loose this afternoon. I get the call. "Bill Adel here! You and your fucking friends destroyed my pole. You came on my fucking property and fucked with my pole! You and your fucking animal friends! You threw it in your fucking bonfire. You vandalized my property! If you don't put up a new pole, I'm going to sue your fucking ass. I know every politician and banker in this fucking town! You're fucking with the wrong guy!"
I swear to you, I"m trying to calm him down and explain the thing was corroded and basically just fell over and we disposed of it (albeit, in a fiery pit of damnation). Keep in mind, this 20 ft. or so pole has never served any viable purpose. At least, no valid function that I can surmise.
Seriously, he unleashed a venomous tirade. Fuck this, fuck you, fuck that. It was borderline insane. I wish I could have taped it, because you can't feign this type of rage. Kind of like Henry Rollins singing Liar, but not quite because he's just acting. Honestly, I can't compare what happened to anything I've ever seen or heard.
I tried to be as conciliatory as possible. After all, the pole (although it was worthless) is technically, but barely, on his property. Even though he accused us of using a chainsaw, I tried to assure him that it basically was leaned on and fell over. He was way to enraged to believe a word I said.
So it's five days later and I guess he realized his "pole" (w/ no intrinsic value) has disappeared. Then he sees the remains of half of it sitting near the fire pit along with the scorched earth. This probably lit the fuse and he went into an uncontrollable rage.
So here's the deal. What do I do? He's PISSED OFF. He's demanding a new pole and he also says he's going to build a split rail fence to delineate the property line. He brought up the split rail fence idea when I first moved in, but backed off because there was really no legitimate reason. Well, maybe he had the foresight to realize something like this could possibly happen. An unthinkable, unjustifiable form of animalistic vandalism.
He also repeatedly accused me and my "animal" friends of wanting to come over and burn his house down. He said he can't fucking sleep at night knowing his life and property are in jeopardy. He can't go away over Memorial Day because he's "afraid of what might happen." I'm not making this stuff up.
Well... Well... What to do? I could ask him if we could plant a tree instead. It would look nicer and at least serve a purpose. Trust me, there's no way he'd go for that. He wants his pole back. Believe me, he'd be willing to spend thousands on litigation just to prove his point. The problem - I'm afraid to go near the guy. Well, not afraid per se. I just don't want to see him have a heart attack. I'd have to administer mouth-to-mouth before calling 9-11. Needless to say, even more grounds for litigation. I tried to homophy him or something. I just don't know. In the past, I've spoken w/ him via his housekeeper (possibly the sweetest, kindest woman in the entire Ohio Valley). I'll probably run into her next week so I'll see if he has cooled off a bit. Maybe we can reach some rational accommodation (I doubt it).
You have to understand that this guy is a total xenophobe/hermit/recluse. No friends to the best of my knowledge. I've never seen any visitors, with the exception of his endless maintenance crews. I'm hardly a carpenter or handyman of any kind, but I get the impression he has never even screwed in a light bulb. His housekeeper comes 5 days a week! What normal single man needs a housekeeper 5 days out of the week?
What's even crazier - let's say I find and erect this 20 ft. pole which serves no purpose. Then, there'll be a pole right inside of a newly constructed split rail fence. It's going to look really weird. Keep in mind, this pole is about half as thick as a regular pole. It would have made a cool totem pole. Then, we could have danced around it like wild injuns!
Even funnier, Danno and I talked about chopping the pole down the day I moved in (5 years ago). He thought it would be cool to split it in half and turn it into a hammock (before he had the property surveyed). For the love of Christ! Could you imagine his reaction to that one? I move in and chop his pole down and then he sees me sipping a beer and scotch while dozing off in the hammock. I'm not religious, but for the love of God! The mental anguish would send him checking into Northwood.
I don't think we've heard the end of this one. I guess I'm going to see if we can round up a pole. Everyone who reads my blogs, knows I don't hold back. I report it all, even if it would make me appear guilty. Hell, let's be honest - this is amusing shit. Stuff you couldn't make up even if you tried. Maybe I should go around asking for old mops, poles, brooms and start planting them down in the yard. Some kind of twisted retaliation. On second thought, no.
If anyone out there has a 20-25 ft. pole, lemme know. In the meantime, be on the lookout for a utility pole which has no utility (this kind of irony follows me wherever I go). I'm going to get the dimensions right now - stand by... Alright, my real telephone/utility pole has a 32" circumfrence. This pole is 19" around. I still have about half of it. I'm guessing it was maybe 20 ft. in the air, even though he claims it was 30 or 40 ft, which is totally ludicrous. So I probably need one that's about 25 ft (5 ft. in the ground).
Maybe I should do nothing and claim it was a hazard. Honestly, it could have fallen over and hurt someone on my property. Maybe that's why it took him 5 days to audibilize his rage. He thinks we chainsawed it. I'll say this - there are plenty of "animal eyewitnesses" to back me up. Back in the day, I would have ignored all of this and just laughed it off. Maybe use it as a pick line - after all, it's quite an entertaining story if you know me. But to be honest, I think I'd rather put up a new pole for him, have him install his fence and just steer clear of him. I'm not the only person on our street who avoids him.
One more thing. You'd think the old lady driving into his pool last month and shredding his tarp would anger him. Apparently, not so. Perhaps it's a culmination of senseless vandalism that put him over the edge.
One more thing... Do I have any future ownership claims or liability regarding this useless pole? What if it falls over and squashes a squirrel or turkey? Is it my fault? Could I be held liable? Maybe it would could come back to haunt me. What if he commits suicide by hanging himself from the new pole. And you think I'm kidding??? His estate could sue me. After all he knows "every fucking politician and banker in this town!" I still don't get the banker bit... G Max - you hear what I'm sayin? You are a "fucking eyewitness animal banker!" Help me! For the love of God, help us all!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I'll be the first to admit it. I enjoy reading status updates on facebook. I like the brief descriptions of encapsulated thoughts of others. Of course I have a few complaints. And here we go...
At this moment (6:41am) I am drinking a cup of coffee. If I were to share this with others via facebook, perhaps I would describe the type of coffee I'm drinking which happens to be Archer Farms Costa Rican Tarrazu purchased from Target. It's a milder roast. Doesn't that provoke a little more scrutiny than, "Saf loves his morning coffee. Mmmmm." Maybe you could offer a quality ranking on a scale of 1-10. My point - if it's your intention to share this information (which should be construed as marginally weak), then why not embrace it a bit more fully. An identical argument could be made for discussing dinner plans. Instead of "Saf is hungry and can't wait to eat dinner. Yummmm." How about "Saf's ravenous appetite will be squelched by a large plate of shrimp scampi." Alright, maybe you don't need to utilize these flowery descriptions, but I think the point is clear.
How about the "dumbing down" of facebook? This is particularly upsetting since it takes a while longer to download the page because of all these endless quizzes and "illusory" items that get sent. I have this one friend - a nice guy but I barely know him. He enjoys sending people nonexistent perishable food items using a "Meet me at the diner" application. This gets pretty annoying. You get all the updates. He'll send a fictitious blueberry muffin to Diana or a tray of mythical hash browns to Chris. I realize I'm a cynic, but how does anyone derive pleasure or satisfaction from this? And he does it on a consistent basis. What a great way to start the week. A fake poached egg from an internet nerd in upstate New York! I guess I could click off the enable button but I don't have good luck trying to moderate these things.
I've also tired of all the amusing quizzes. Which U.S. President are you? I'm fucking James Polk. Yes, I'd like to fuck James Polk. You're Rutherford B. Hayes. And there's an endless description of the Teapot Dome scandal or the devious manner in which you purchased Louisiana from the French. Does anyone actually read these thoroughly uninspiring robotic messages? I'd hate to be the person who writes them - talk about regurgitated, tedious bullshit.
Or how about "Name my 5 favorite sports teams" - Steelers, Steelers, Steelers, Mountaineers, Steelers. Ohhh, how creative! Now I get it. You must be the biggest Pittsburgh Steelers fan EVER. LMAO. Can you fathom what it says about a person if they saw someone write that and then chose to make the same exact comment, but using Cowboys, Cowboys, Cowboys, Lakers, Cowboys. In all likelihood, this is someone I'd never want to meet. Oddly enough, out of my 103 alleged "friends" - probably 8 of them would do this. And another thing, I have 5 friends of whom I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE. What on earth possesses people to click off the friend box if you've never even spoken to the person? I guess it's the anonymity of the internet that emboldens the normally cautious late night/online soccer mom.
Saf, if you have all these problems with facebook, why do you check it several times a day? Honestly, I don't have a decent answer. Maybe I've capitulated to the mindless nature of it all. Maybe today I'll go find out which Pearl Jam song I am. It had better be "Faithful." Honestly, I can easily do without the twitter/myspace bullshit and have never investigated the friendster crap, but there is a slight allure to seeing what's going on with everyone. And I will admit, I enjoy knowing when so and so got engaged or had a baby. I'm less interested in knowing someone's grade on a nursing exam.
Olga lost 3 lbs. in 12 days! Hooray!
Saf "likes this" - of course Saf likes this... her morbid obesity was offensive to most local residents.
Erin hasn't smoked a cigarette in 14 hours.
Saf "likes this" - of course I like this... Your breath stunk when you were babbling incessantly about American Idol.
Kari is drinking Buttery Nipples and Sex on the Beaches!
Saf feels growing animosity and seething pangs of contempt.
At this moment (6:41am) I am drinking a cup of coffee. If I were to share this with others via facebook, perhaps I would describe the type of coffee I'm drinking which happens to be Archer Farms Costa Rican Tarrazu purchased from Target. It's a milder roast. Doesn't that provoke a little more scrutiny than, "Saf loves his morning coffee. Mmmmm." Maybe you could offer a quality ranking on a scale of 1-10. My point - if it's your intention to share this information (which should be construed as marginally weak), then why not embrace it a bit more fully. An identical argument could be made for discussing dinner plans. Instead of "Saf is hungry and can't wait to eat dinner. Yummmm." How about "Saf's ravenous appetite will be squelched by a large plate of shrimp scampi." Alright, maybe you don't need to utilize these flowery descriptions, but I think the point is clear.
How about the "dumbing down" of facebook? This is particularly upsetting since it takes a while longer to download the page because of all these endless quizzes and "illusory" items that get sent. I have this one friend - a nice guy but I barely know him. He enjoys sending people nonexistent perishable food items using a "Meet me at the diner" application. This gets pretty annoying. You get all the updates. He'll send a fictitious blueberry muffin to Diana or a tray of mythical hash browns to Chris. I realize I'm a cynic, but how does anyone derive pleasure or satisfaction from this? And he does it on a consistent basis. What a great way to start the week. A fake poached egg from an internet nerd in upstate New York! I guess I could click off the enable button but I don't have good luck trying to moderate these things.
I've also tired of all the amusing quizzes. Which U.S. President are you? I'm fucking James Polk. Yes, I'd like to fuck James Polk. You're Rutherford B. Hayes. And there's an endless description of the Teapot Dome scandal or the devious manner in which you purchased Louisiana from the French. Does anyone actually read these thoroughly uninspiring robotic messages? I'd hate to be the person who writes them - talk about regurgitated, tedious bullshit.
Or how about "Name my 5 favorite sports teams" - Steelers, Steelers, Steelers, Mountaineers, Steelers. Ohhh, how creative! Now I get it. You must be the biggest Pittsburgh Steelers fan EVER. LMAO. Can you fathom what it says about a person if they saw someone write that and then chose to make the same exact comment, but using Cowboys, Cowboys, Cowboys, Lakers, Cowboys. In all likelihood, this is someone I'd never want to meet. Oddly enough, out of my 103 alleged "friends" - probably 8 of them would do this. And another thing, I have 5 friends of whom I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE. What on earth possesses people to click off the friend box if you've never even spoken to the person? I guess it's the anonymity of the internet that emboldens the normally cautious late night/online soccer mom.
Saf, if you have all these problems with facebook, why do you check it several times a day? Honestly, I don't have a decent answer. Maybe I've capitulated to the mindless nature of it all. Maybe today I'll go find out which Pearl Jam song I am. It had better be "Faithful." Honestly, I can easily do without the twitter/myspace bullshit and have never investigated the friendster crap, but there is a slight allure to seeing what's going on with everyone. And I will admit, I enjoy knowing when so and so got engaged or had a baby. I'm less interested in knowing someone's grade on a nursing exam.
Olga lost 3 lbs. in 12 days! Hooray!
Saf "likes this" - of course Saf likes this... her morbid obesity was offensive to most local residents.
Erin hasn't smoked a cigarette in 14 hours.
Saf "likes this" - of course I like this... Your breath stunk when you were babbling incessantly about American Idol.
Kari is drinking Buttery Nipples and Sex on the Beaches!
Saf feels growing animosity and seething pangs of contempt.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
American Idol
Greetings! My name is John Taylor or something relatively generic. For those of you who don't know me, I'm the lead singer of Foghat. We wrote a crappy song called Slow Ride in the late 1970's. It helped catapult us to stardom. We opened for Aerosmith back in the day and now we play on the non-Vegas casino circuit. Sometimes we rock the fuck out of an abandoned roller skating rink. This summer, we have multiple gigs at several semi-defunct midwest chili cook-offs. Omaha, here we come! Sioux City, Iowa - you bitches are next! I'm not even going to say what's goin' down in Tulsa.
In any event, we're all here jammin at the Red Roof Inn and some groupie turned on American Idol. What the fuck! Ahhh, this is totally bitchin! They're playin' our monster hit "Slow Ride!" Suh-weeeet!
Wait a minute. It's some virgin teenage girl and an emo-what-the-fuck-effeminate-outlandish-gay-quasi-heartthrob-lame-douchebag-singing sensation. It's some kind of man-boy love child. These two are singing our song! What the fuck is going on? OK, it just ended. The judges are weighing in...
Paula says, "You guys totally ROCK! Yinz are the greatest rock stars ever!"
Black dude weighs in, "Yeahhh, Dog! You two are the shizzist of the nit! It was doper than dope!"
finally the Simon guy says, "Way to go. You two have sizzled in a fashion more explosive than contemporary bacon!"
Alright, do you really need me to explain how pathetic this show is? When you start to really think about it, it's a bad joke with unabashed, runaway momentum.
This whole American Idol bullshit is not good. When I grew up, you got to see rock bands and musicians. You identified with them. They became a part of you. Now all we get are these sugar-coated "phenoms." They're so inspiring. I can't wait to talk about Sparkle Timmons tomorrow with the gals at the water cooler. She was Sooo ON last night! How about the token Hindu nerdman in a polo shirt? Or what about pony-tailed blondee? She's my fav! That fat-ass waitress from Detroit is so sassy. LOL!
Joe the Plumber - you missed your true calling. At least you would have been taken seriously by 40% of the population. Instead, you got 20%. Still... not bad for a dumbshit from northern Toledo.
In any event, we're all here jammin at the Red Roof Inn and some groupie turned on American Idol. What the fuck! Ahhh, this is totally bitchin! They're playin' our monster hit "Slow Ride!" Suh-weeeet!
Wait a minute. It's some virgin teenage girl and an emo-what-the-fuck-effeminate-outlandish-gay-quasi-heartthrob-lame-douchebag-singing sensation. It's some kind of man-boy love child. These two are singing our song! What the fuck is going on? OK, it just ended. The judges are weighing in...
Paula says, "You guys totally ROCK! Yinz are the greatest rock stars ever!"
Black dude weighs in, "Yeahhh, Dog! You two are the shizzist of the nit! It was doper than dope!"
finally the Simon guy says, "Way to go. You two have sizzled in a fashion more explosive than contemporary bacon!"
Alright, do you really need me to explain how pathetic this show is? When you start to really think about it, it's a bad joke with unabashed, runaway momentum.
This whole American Idol bullshit is not good. When I grew up, you got to see rock bands and musicians. You identified with them. They became a part of you. Now all we get are these sugar-coated "phenoms." They're so inspiring. I can't wait to talk about Sparkle Timmons tomorrow with the gals at the water cooler. She was Sooo ON last night! How about the token Hindu nerdman in a polo shirt? Or what about pony-tailed blondee? She's my fav! That fat-ass waitress from Detroit is so sassy. LOL!
Joe the Plumber - you missed your true calling. At least you would have been taken seriously by 40% of the population. Instead, you got 20%. Still... not bad for a dumbshit from northern Toledo.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
future skirmish
During the course of the summer of 2009, I have devised a plot so diabolical and potentially devastating, the implications so vast and far reaching, it will be felt by all who take the Oglebay exit as they venture onto the main drag of National Road. It is my stated intention to slowly increase the level of hostility between all the businesses. Minit Car Wash, Long John Silvers, TJ's Pukegarden and the 19th Ho will be permanently impacted. Bob Evans might even get drawn into the fray. It's my goal to make this entire area resemble the Middle East. This will be achieved through "gradual sign (marquee) manipulation." I assure my readers (if there are any), it will be done honorably. I will not be purchasing additional lettering for the signs, nor would I ever contemplate snagging any letters for future use. Brace yourself. The future of the whatever block of National Road will be an uncertain one. Here's is a list of businesses and what I envision each one mirroring.
TJ's - Iraq (turmoil, despair, and wardrobe malfunctioning since they all have the lame referee outfits - eerily similar to wearing a burka in 120 degree weather)
CVS - Dubai (a beacon of prosperity)
Long John Silvers - Syria (a beacon of squalor)
Bob Evans - (I'm thinking Turkey, since they have those knife and fork sandwiches, plus they appear secular and a little detached since they're across the street)
19th Ho - Israel (the powerhouse, home to the chosen ones)
Minit Car Wash - Iran (the dangerous wildcard)
Tim Whoretons - There are no brothels in the Middle East. Prostitution is frowned upon so we'll give it to Saudi Arabia since they are are the biggest whores on the block. Plus they have the valued corner spot which epitomizes them being awash with oil. I was going to turn Long John Silver's into Saudi Arabia because of the oil factor, but after further contemplation, I think they use some kind of flavorful lard.
I think you get the picture. But why? Why would anyone want to stir up this hornets nest on National Road? Because it's my obligation. The right wing nutjobs of Ohio County are still in love with ex-President George Bush. They still continue to fully embrace him at every opportunity yet never comprehend the consequences of his actions, or his inactions. This will be an attempt, albeit a crude one, to explain the neo-con agenda in simple terms they can better understand. Sometimes you have to spell these things out for the churchgoing, torture loving, uterus interfering, gun-toting, gay bashing, Cheney sucking fucks. Amen.
On an unrelated note, Go Pens.
TJ's - Iraq (turmoil, despair, and wardrobe malfunctioning since they all have the lame referee outfits - eerily similar to wearing a burka in 120 degree weather)
CVS - Dubai (a beacon of prosperity)
Long John Silvers - Syria (a beacon of squalor)
Bob Evans - (I'm thinking Turkey, since they have those knife and fork sandwiches, plus they appear secular and a little detached since they're across the street)
19th Ho - Israel (the powerhouse, home to the chosen ones)
Minit Car Wash - Iran (the dangerous wildcard)
Tim Whoretons - There are no brothels in the Middle East. Prostitution is frowned upon so we'll give it to Saudi Arabia since they are are the biggest whores on the block. Plus they have the valued corner spot which epitomizes them being awash with oil. I was going to turn Long John Silver's into Saudi Arabia because of the oil factor, but after further contemplation, I think they use some kind of flavorful lard.
I think you get the picture. But why? Why would anyone want to stir up this hornets nest on National Road? Because it's my obligation. The right wing nutjobs of Ohio County are still in love with ex-President George Bush. They still continue to fully embrace him at every opportunity yet never comprehend the consequences of his actions, or his inactions. This will be an attempt, albeit a crude one, to explain the neo-con agenda in simple terms they can better understand. Sometimes you have to spell these things out for the churchgoing, torture loving, uterus interfering, gun-toting, gay bashing, Cheney sucking fucks. Amen.
On an unrelated note, Go Pens.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
torture
I want to get my thoughts down on this whole thing. I think this debate is going to continue for the duration. There's way too many conflicting political interests and diverse public opinion. I think the entire torture debate will somehow end up going to the Supreme Court when a CIA military contractor goes after the government, appeals his jail sentence and it makes it way up the chain of justice.
I think this will be one of the landmark court decisions of our lifetime. Similar to stuff like justifying slavery, giving women the right to vote, etc. This will become one of the defining moments in the history of the planet. I just can't see the issue going away, especially in the state our country is right now. I want to explore this further but just don't feel like typing right now. It was more of a reminder.
I think it's also reasonable to assume that we'll get hit militarily while all this goes on. Things always seem to balance out on this planet. This will give Obama some problems when he runs for reelection, especially if its Mitt Romney, who I swear, is well-positioned and is playing his cards perfectly.
I also think it's feasible, while all this transpires, the Supreme Court issues a decision where there must be some kind of independent observer per X # of war prisoners. Keep in mind, the Supreme Court is still marginally to the right. And the guys on the left are getting on in years (plenty of health issues, less so, with the Bush/Reagan appointees).
This whole term "enemy combatant" is guaranteed to come under scrutiny. Can you imagine a Supreme Court fight in the Senate to nominate an Obama appointee while this shit goes down? The judiciary committee is all left and Arlen Spector could get spanked out of the Senate by the PA voters. He's in the middle of all that shit. Never forget Saf's law of the universe. He doesn't believe in religious or spiritual trash, but he know one thing for sure - EVERYTHING VEERS TOWARD THE MIDDLE. I swear to you - the torture debate will continue unabated. Be prepared to hear about it.
It'll also be interesting to see if/when torture or "enhanced interrogation techniques" can be justified - the ticking time bomb scenario.
Democracy is so much more interesting than a dictatorship. You get way more scenarios.
I think this will be one of the landmark court decisions of our lifetime. Similar to stuff like justifying slavery, giving women the right to vote, etc. This will become one of the defining moments in the history of the planet. I just can't see the issue going away, especially in the state our country is right now. I want to explore this further but just don't feel like typing right now. It was more of a reminder.
I think it's also reasonable to assume that we'll get hit militarily while all this goes on. Things always seem to balance out on this planet. This will give Obama some problems when he runs for reelection, especially if its Mitt Romney, who I swear, is well-positioned and is playing his cards perfectly.
I also think it's feasible, while all this transpires, the Supreme Court issues a decision where there must be some kind of independent observer per X # of war prisoners. Keep in mind, the Supreme Court is still marginally to the right. And the guys on the left are getting on in years (plenty of health issues, less so, with the Bush/Reagan appointees).
This whole term "enemy combatant" is guaranteed to come under scrutiny. Can you imagine a Supreme Court fight in the Senate to nominate an Obama appointee while this shit goes down? The judiciary committee is all left and Arlen Spector could get spanked out of the Senate by the PA voters. He's in the middle of all that shit. Never forget Saf's law of the universe. He doesn't believe in religious or spiritual trash, but he know one thing for sure - EVERYTHING VEERS TOWARD THE MIDDLE. I swear to you - the torture debate will continue unabated. Be prepared to hear about it.
It'll also be interesting to see if/when torture or "enhanced interrogation techniques" can be justified - the ticking time bomb scenario.
Democracy is so much more interesting than a dictatorship. You get way more scenarios.
enhanced interrogation techniques
A 2005 memo says that the C.I.A. used waterboarding 183 times in March 2003 against Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the self-described planner of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.
I found this intriguing. Keep in mind, this happened during the course of one month. That's about 6 times per day for an entire month. They're also talking about sleep deprivation through the use of excessive lighting and sound. And some kind of mass insect exposure in a confined area.
I'm hardly an expert on what constitutes torture, but this sounds like torture to me. THIS HAPPENED ROUGHLY 2 1/2 YEARS AFTER 9/11. How much credible information could you possibly extract? Maybe I'm naive.
I've often thought about how Dick Cheney sold the Iraq war to George Bush. I'm pretty sure this is how it transpired. After 9/11, Cheney correctly came to the conclusion that the greatest threat to the United States was a band of suicidal terrorists working in conjunction with a state sponsor. This sounds credible to me. Hell, Saddam Hussein was worth about 6 billion at one point. The late Yassir Arafat had about 1 billion. There's a ruling class of about 5,000 in Saudi Arabia with basically unlimited funds. Cheney thought to himself... We got lucky this time. These jihadists were harbored by the penniless Taliban in Afghanistan. What happens when the suicidal religious fucks have some real backing?
So we invaded and occupied, ousted the Taliban and chased whatever was left into the Afghan/Pakistan border region. Here's where it gets interesting. Cheney thinks to himself... This just isn't enough. The war in Afghanistan just doesn't cut it. The U.S. needs to send a stronger message to the world that the U.S. will not tolerate terrorists working in concert with rogue governments. I still think he's on credible ground here.
Cheney didn't need to look far to find the next enemy to send a message. Saddam was definitely a regional threat and had previously tried to go nuclear. Cheney figures it's just a matter of time. And to be honest, considering the stranglehold the family had on the country, he was probably right.
Cheney knew when we invaded Iraq, that we most certainly would NOT be greeted as liberators. I swear to fucking god. HE KNEW THIS. The guy is not some naive idiot. He knew there would be endless waves of violence and organized rebellion for about a decade. He knew that a civil war would erupt between the Sunni and Shia. BUT HE NEEDED THE WAR TO SEND THE REST OF THE WORLD THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE... If you're a third world dictator and you align yourself with jihadists, you will be ousted from power and your country will be demolished and transcend into endless chaos.
But he had to sell the war to Bush and he knew that this explanation wouldn't sell to the United States population. So he went with broader themes... The amped up nuclear threat and the axis of evil. Bush would be able to comprehend this. The Iraqi people would welcome us. They've needed us and we will come to their rescue. The scary part is that one person (Cheney) was able to sell it. When you've got a naive Texas country boy in the White House, anything is possible.
The sad truth... I think Dick Cheney had a reasonable position. An Al Gore administration would have just cleaned up Afghanistan. Would that have been a strong enough message to the rest of the world? I'm not so sure. In fact, I doubt it.
I was planning on blogging about torture but ended up on this tangent. Sorry for the confusion.
And I often wonder about the other links on my friend Amanda's blogslist. I access my blog from hers. I occasionally read them and wonder what they must be thinking if they read mine. Their blogs are usually about family and friends, whereas mine is about concerts, looting, terrorism, mediocre restaurants and mythical superheroes such as Cumburglar. They probably think I'm nuts. And they're probably right.
I found this intriguing. Keep in mind, this happened during the course of one month. That's about 6 times per day for an entire month. They're also talking about sleep deprivation through the use of excessive lighting and sound. And some kind of mass insect exposure in a confined area.
I'm hardly an expert on what constitutes torture, but this sounds like torture to me. THIS HAPPENED ROUGHLY 2 1/2 YEARS AFTER 9/11. How much credible information could you possibly extract? Maybe I'm naive.
I've often thought about how Dick Cheney sold the Iraq war to George Bush. I'm pretty sure this is how it transpired. After 9/11, Cheney correctly came to the conclusion that the greatest threat to the United States was a band of suicidal terrorists working in conjunction with a state sponsor. This sounds credible to me. Hell, Saddam Hussein was worth about 6 billion at one point. The late Yassir Arafat had about 1 billion. There's a ruling class of about 5,000 in Saudi Arabia with basically unlimited funds. Cheney thought to himself... We got lucky this time. These jihadists were harbored by the penniless Taliban in Afghanistan. What happens when the suicidal religious fucks have some real backing?
So we invaded and occupied, ousted the Taliban and chased whatever was left into the Afghan/Pakistan border region. Here's where it gets interesting. Cheney thinks to himself... This just isn't enough. The war in Afghanistan just doesn't cut it. The U.S. needs to send a stronger message to the world that the U.S. will not tolerate terrorists working in concert with rogue governments. I still think he's on credible ground here.
Cheney didn't need to look far to find the next enemy to send a message. Saddam was definitely a regional threat and had previously tried to go nuclear. Cheney figures it's just a matter of time. And to be honest, considering the stranglehold the family had on the country, he was probably right.
Cheney knew when we invaded Iraq, that we most certainly would NOT be greeted as liberators. I swear to fucking god. HE KNEW THIS. The guy is not some naive idiot. He knew there would be endless waves of violence and organized rebellion for about a decade. He knew that a civil war would erupt between the Sunni and Shia. BUT HE NEEDED THE WAR TO SEND THE REST OF THE WORLD THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE... If you're a third world dictator and you align yourself with jihadists, you will be ousted from power and your country will be demolished and transcend into endless chaos.
But he had to sell the war to Bush and he knew that this explanation wouldn't sell to the United States population. So he went with broader themes... The amped up nuclear threat and the axis of evil. Bush would be able to comprehend this. The Iraqi people would welcome us. They've needed us and we will come to their rescue. The scary part is that one person (Cheney) was able to sell it. When you've got a naive Texas country boy in the White House, anything is possible.
The sad truth... I think Dick Cheney had a reasonable position. An Al Gore administration would have just cleaned up Afghanistan. Would that have been a strong enough message to the rest of the world? I'm not so sure. In fact, I doubt it.
I was planning on blogging about torture but ended up on this tangent. Sorry for the confusion.
And I often wonder about the other links on my friend Amanda's blogslist. I access my blog from hers. I occasionally read them and wonder what they must be thinking if they read mine. Their blogs are usually about family and friends, whereas mine is about concerts, looting, terrorism, mediocre restaurants and mythical superheroes such as Cumburglar. They probably think I'm nuts. And they're probably right.
Monday, April 20, 2009
McHorror
Did you see the youtube video of the two idiots that posted themselves picking their noses and incorporating the snot within the pizza crust? I didn't watch the video but did see the clip on MSNBC. Far be it from me to support a right wing extremist pizza chain, but the incident did spark my interest - strictly from the perspective of it being a public relations disaster. It's fascinating that your company could donate millions to charities, spend time with community projects and perform other philanthropic activities. Then, in one earth-shattering moment, your entire brand and status is dismantled because of the actions of some dipshit in Boone, North Carolina or wherever that happened.
Obviously, fast food chains are particularly vulnerable here. They employ millions of minimum wager earners, most of whom do not have a vested interest in the company. The finger tip in the Wendy's chili incident in California a few years ago was kind of similar. It didn't impact me much because I really like their chili, but I'm sure it deterred many other chili enthusiasts. What about the idiot in Moundsville who stuck his pubes on the Wendy's burger and gave it to the cop? Seems like a disturbing trend has emerged.
Anyway, I got to thinking last night (always a dangerous scenario). What if an internet rumor started online about a McDonald's employee who referred to himself as "The Cumburglar," or I prefer, simply "Cumburglar." He's a "supposedly" fictitious McDonald's grillman that ejaculates into the cheeseburgers. Nobody knows which McDonald's he works at. Could be here in Wheeling. Could be Zanesville, Ohio. Could be in Shanghai, China. Simply put, nobody knows. He has a blog and a credible, realistic myspace page. In the blog, he shares his proclivity for ejaculating into a variety of food items. He often tries to coincide his ejaculative posts when they introduce a new burger or McShake or McNugget dipping sauce or whatever.
My point - wouldn't the public relations people at McDonald's pay huge bucks to squash something like this? If I was the CEO, I'd be willing to go monetary extremes to make sure this never sees the light of day. Interestingly enough, McDonald's is one of the few Fortune 500 companies that has seen its stock rise significantly during the recent recession.
Could you imagine??? What if Cumburglar posted a youtube video that gets immediately removed (for violating the obscenity rules)? But the video is then circulated virally and via email forwards. It could potentially be the most devastating PR nightmare a Fortune 500 company has ever faced. I'm trying to think of one that could top this and I'm left blank. Nike using Indonesian child/slave labor to mass produce sneakers comes to mind. Or should I say "cums" to mind.
By the way, I think Domino's Pizza totally sucks. Assuming you have alternative choices, why the fuck would anyone buy Domino's?
If you gave Cumburglar some phallic attire, that would lend even more credibility to this mythical hero. He'd obviously wear some kind of mask like the original Hamburglar guy in order to conceal his identity. I guess you'd probably want him to wear a McDonald's uniform but with a "special twist" of some kind. Any ideas out there for speculative garb?
Obviously, fast food chains are particularly vulnerable here. They employ millions of minimum wager earners, most of whom do not have a vested interest in the company. The finger tip in the Wendy's chili incident in California a few years ago was kind of similar. It didn't impact me much because I really like their chili, but I'm sure it deterred many other chili enthusiasts. What about the idiot in Moundsville who stuck his pubes on the Wendy's burger and gave it to the cop? Seems like a disturbing trend has emerged.
Anyway, I got to thinking last night (always a dangerous scenario). What if an internet rumor started online about a McDonald's employee who referred to himself as "The Cumburglar," or I prefer, simply "Cumburglar." He's a "supposedly" fictitious McDonald's grillman that ejaculates into the cheeseburgers. Nobody knows which McDonald's he works at. Could be here in Wheeling. Could be Zanesville, Ohio. Could be in Shanghai, China. Simply put, nobody knows. He has a blog and a credible, realistic myspace page. In the blog, he shares his proclivity for ejaculating into a variety of food items. He often tries to coincide his ejaculative posts when they introduce a new burger or McShake or McNugget dipping sauce or whatever.
My point - wouldn't the public relations people at McDonald's pay huge bucks to squash something like this? If I was the CEO, I'd be willing to go monetary extremes to make sure this never sees the light of day. Interestingly enough, McDonald's is one of the few Fortune 500 companies that has seen its stock rise significantly during the recent recession.
Could you imagine??? What if Cumburglar posted a youtube video that gets immediately removed (for violating the obscenity rules)? But the video is then circulated virally and via email forwards. It could potentially be the most devastating PR nightmare a Fortune 500 company has ever faced. I'm trying to think of one that could top this and I'm left blank. Nike using Indonesian child/slave labor to mass produce sneakers comes to mind. Or should I say "cums" to mind.
By the way, I think Domino's Pizza totally sucks. Assuming you have alternative choices, why the fuck would anyone buy Domino's?
If you gave Cumburglar some phallic attire, that would lend even more credibility to this mythical hero. He'd obviously wear some kind of mask like the original Hamburglar guy in order to conceal his identity. I guess you'd probably want him to wear a McDonald's uniform but with a "special twist" of some kind. Any ideas out there for speculative garb?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
low-end(ing)
Well, the lawn saga seems to have been resolved. The manner in which it ended... well, let's just say it felt like being at church. First, I was made to feel bad. Then, I was made a pathetic offer (here's what you must do if you want to stay out of hell). Finally, there was a truly pathetic bargaining attempt to save what was left of my squandered dignity.
Mom's son and his spokesman promptly showed up at 1pm today. Apparently, my neighbor does not want any compensation for his yard or the hillside. Which in all honesty, he owns, not me. I own a tiny sliver at the top. My neighbor only wants a new tarp for his pool. I figure he'll have his lawn and garden crew attend to any repairs on his property. The cemetery didn't file a grievance either and they had a pretty big swath of land that got tracked.
Then, it was inferred how embarrassing this whole incident has been on the original perpetrator. I kind of felt guilty for making a production about everything. Especially since I was treated as the antichrist on our message board.
The lawn spokesman offered to pat down the lawn and reseed it. I said, "Well, I was planning on doing it myself so how about just making me an offer." Gil looks at me and says, "How about $200?" I sheepishly counter with a whopping $225 and then we shook hands. I'll get the check in a couple days and consider the entire matter closed. They both quickly exit the scene of the crime. This entire incident, although it made for good humor, was relatively weak. I mean we're basically talking about an older woman driving over a hillside late one night. It's not like she flew a plane into the World Trade Center.
I spent about 25 mintues stomping the wet ground in my Nikes. It's pretty much level for future lawn mowing. Stomping it out was easy since the lawn was so saturated today. I worked up a pretty good sweat which will suffice as my daily exercise. No grass seed is necessary. It's just a little muddy and I'm sure something will grow there. I'm not entering any lawn and garden contests this summer so we're safe from that perspective.
All in all, I guess you could say I got Gilled in the White. I should have countered with more, I know... I know... but I started to feel pangs of guilt. Maybe this is a fitting conclusion after all. In retrospect, maybe I could have shown a little restraint when communicating this whole ordeal to everyone I know. I think I'll take the proceeds and stock my liquor cabinet - which will benefit everyone. This way we can all commiserate and share in the muddy despair.
Oh, and Danno wins the contest with what we presumably thought was a weak bid of $1.00. Congratulations!
Mom's son and his spokesman promptly showed up at 1pm today. Apparently, my neighbor does not want any compensation for his yard or the hillside. Which in all honesty, he owns, not me. I own a tiny sliver at the top. My neighbor only wants a new tarp for his pool. I figure he'll have his lawn and garden crew attend to any repairs on his property. The cemetery didn't file a grievance either and they had a pretty big swath of land that got tracked.
Then, it was inferred how embarrassing this whole incident has been on the original perpetrator. I kind of felt guilty for making a production about everything. Especially since I was treated as the antichrist on our message board.
The lawn spokesman offered to pat down the lawn and reseed it. I said, "Well, I was planning on doing it myself so how about just making me an offer." Gil looks at me and says, "How about $200?" I sheepishly counter with a whopping $225 and then we shook hands. I'll get the check in a couple days and consider the entire matter closed. They both quickly exit the scene of the crime. This entire incident, although it made for good humor, was relatively weak. I mean we're basically talking about an older woman driving over a hillside late one night. It's not like she flew a plane into the World Trade Center.
I spent about 25 mintues stomping the wet ground in my Nikes. It's pretty much level for future lawn mowing. Stomping it out was easy since the lawn was so saturated today. I worked up a pretty good sweat which will suffice as my daily exercise. No grass seed is necessary. It's just a little muddy and I'm sure something will grow there. I'm not entering any lawn and garden contests this summer so we're safe from that perspective.
All in all, I guess you could say I got Gilled in the White. I should have countered with more, I know... I know... but I started to feel pangs of guilt. Maybe this is a fitting conclusion after all. In retrospect, maybe I could have shown a little restraint when communicating this whole ordeal to everyone I know. I think I'll take the proceeds and stock my liquor cabinet - which will benefit everyone. This way we can all commiserate and share in the muddy despair.
Oh, and Danno wins the contest with what we presumably thought was a weak bid of $1.00. Congratulations!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Saudi judge upholds...
....marriage of 8 year old.
(CNN) -- A Saudi judge has refused for a second time to annul a marriage between an 8-year-old girl and a 47-year-old man, a relative of the girl told CNN.
The most recent ruling, in which the judge upheld his original verdict, was handed down Saturday in the Saudi city of Onaiza, where late last year the same judge rejected a petition from the girl's mother, who was seeking a divorce for her daughter.
The relative said the judge, Sheikh Habib Al-Habib, "stuck by his earlier verdict and insisted that the girl could petition the court for a divorce once she reached puberty." The family member, who requested anonymity, added that the mother will continue to pursue a divorce for her daughter.
The case, which has drawn criticism from local and international rights groups, came to light in December when al-Habib declined to annul the marriage on a legal technicality. The judge ruled the girl's mother -- who is separated from the girl's father -- was not the girl's legal guardian and therefore could not represent her in court, according to Abdullah al-Jutaili, the mother's lawyer.
The girl's father, according to the attorney, arranged the marriage in order to settle his debts with the man, who is "a close friend" of his. At the time of the initial verdict, the judge required the girl's husband to sign a pledge that he would not have sex with her until she reaches puberty, al-Jutaili told CNN. The judge ruled that when the girl reaches puberty, she will have the right to request a divorce by filing a petition with the court, the lawyer said.
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The article goes on for a bit. I think it's interesting how our govt. often condemns the use of Sharia law to validate strict Sunni Wahhabist philosophy. But you only heard about the Taliban in Afghanistan. You never hear much of what goes on in Saudi Arabia. Oddly enough, back in the day, Kabul was a pretty progressive city. It attracted a great number of educators and scholars. I seriously doubt Mecca, or its deep outskirts, has ever been considered a bastion of intellectual freedom and educational development.
It's just fascinating how we arm the Saudis to the teeth and generally back them across the board. Good to know the Saudis are with us. Well, except the 15 of the 19 hijackers from 9/11. George Bush Jr. was really on the money when he wanted to democratize the entire Middle East. He was such a visionary. And Karl Rove has the unmitigated audacity to suggest that Obama has a naive approach to foreign policy. Maybe I'm being to hard on our former president. Sometimes Bush reminds me of a current occupant of the White House. That current occupant being the recently adopted Portugese Waterdog "Bo." Maybe Obama was thinking the same thing and wanted to name the dog "Bosh." It would have certainly been a fitting tribute.
(CNN) -- A Saudi judge has refused for a second time to annul a marriage between an 8-year-old girl and a 47-year-old man, a relative of the girl told CNN.
The most recent ruling, in which the judge upheld his original verdict, was handed down Saturday in the Saudi city of Onaiza, where late last year the same judge rejected a petition from the girl's mother, who was seeking a divorce for her daughter.
The relative said the judge, Sheikh Habib Al-Habib, "stuck by his earlier verdict and insisted that the girl could petition the court for a divorce once she reached puberty." The family member, who requested anonymity, added that the mother will continue to pursue a divorce for her daughter.
The case, which has drawn criticism from local and international rights groups, came to light in December when al-Habib declined to annul the marriage on a legal technicality. The judge ruled the girl's mother -- who is separated from the girl's father -- was not the girl's legal guardian and therefore could not represent her in court, according to Abdullah al-Jutaili, the mother's lawyer.
The girl's father, according to the attorney, arranged the marriage in order to settle his debts with the man, who is "a close friend" of his. At the time of the initial verdict, the judge required the girl's husband to sign a pledge that he would not have sex with her until she reaches puberty, al-Jutaili told CNN. The judge ruled that when the girl reaches puberty, she will have the right to request a divorce by filing a petition with the court, the lawyer said.
-------------------
The article goes on for a bit. I think it's interesting how our govt. often condemns the use of Sharia law to validate strict Sunni Wahhabist philosophy. But you only heard about the Taliban in Afghanistan. You never hear much of what goes on in Saudi Arabia. Oddly enough, back in the day, Kabul was a pretty progressive city. It attracted a great number of educators and scholars. I seriously doubt Mecca, or its deep outskirts, has ever been considered a bastion of intellectual freedom and educational development.
It's just fascinating how we arm the Saudis to the teeth and generally back them across the board. Good to know the Saudis are with us. Well, except the 15 of the 19 hijackers from 9/11. George Bush Jr. was really on the money when he wanted to democratize the entire Middle East. He was such a visionary. And Karl Rove has the unmitigated audacity to suggest that Obama has a naive approach to foreign policy. Maybe I'm being to hard on our former president. Sometimes Bush reminds me of a current occupant of the White House. That current occupant being the recently adopted Portugese Waterdog "Bo." Maybe Obama was thinking the same thing and wanted to name the dog "Bosh." It would have certainly been a fitting tribute.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Indigo Joe's
Mark and I went to Wheeling's newest restaurant in the Highlands today for lunch. I usually wait a month or so before trying out a new restaurant but said "what the hell, let's just go for it."
Great building & great service (Ashley). The parking lot is a bit unusual. Kind of like a dual-tiered rhombus w/ an illegal fire lane of handicapped parking directly in front. The place has a nice feel. Warm, relaxed and inviting. We sat on the restaurant side. I neglected to check out the restrooms or the bar side.
Mark got a corned beef reuben and a side of fries. I opted for the Maui Waui (pronounced Mow-wee Wow-wee) sandwich and a side salad. I normally try not to order food that has super-fun titles. The side salad was alright, nothing spectacular but most important, the bowl was chilled. You wouldn't believe how many times I get a salad and the bowl is room temperature, or even worse, sometimes hot right out of the dishwasher. My sandwich was decent. The tuna was a tiny bit undercooked, but I generally like my fish on the rarer side. However, I think they are going to have a lot of trouble with this type of fish preparation. In the Ohio Valley, people are accustomed to Coleman's fish - DFBAR (Deep Fried Beyond All Recognition). Don't get me wrong - I love Coleman's Fish. TJ's has their own take on how to prepare fish. Just throw it straight in the microwave and nuke it til it's nice and hot.
The reason I'm mentioning this is because their menu has a good amount of fish and one of their "specialties" is the fish tacos. I'm just worried that the wait staff will end up suffering because of what I call OVPS. That's Ohio Valley Palate Syndrome. The majority of diners in the valley - when they think of fish, they think of it either submerged and soaked in butter or DFBAR. There's not a lot of room for compromise with a Triadelphia resident. "Ma, my fish ain't cooked through! Where'd they get this? Schenk Lake? Out the crick?"
It would be a travesty if the wait staff (which was skilled, competent and friendly) has to bear the burden of OVPS in the form of lighter tips. And aren't we in the month of lent right now? I predict that one day, ownership will question the timing of the grand opening. I liked Indigo Joe's though and I'll be back.
Great building & great service (Ashley). The parking lot is a bit unusual. Kind of like a dual-tiered rhombus w/ an illegal fire lane of handicapped parking directly in front. The place has a nice feel. Warm, relaxed and inviting. We sat on the restaurant side. I neglected to check out the restrooms or the bar side.
Mark got a corned beef reuben and a side of fries. I opted for the Maui Waui (pronounced Mow-wee Wow-wee) sandwich and a side salad. I normally try not to order food that has super-fun titles. The side salad was alright, nothing spectacular but most important, the bowl was chilled. You wouldn't believe how many times I get a salad and the bowl is room temperature, or even worse, sometimes hot right out of the dishwasher. My sandwich was decent. The tuna was a tiny bit undercooked, but I generally like my fish on the rarer side. However, I think they are going to have a lot of trouble with this type of fish preparation. In the Ohio Valley, people are accustomed to Coleman's fish - DFBAR (Deep Fried Beyond All Recognition). Don't get me wrong - I love Coleman's Fish. TJ's has their own take on how to prepare fish. Just throw it straight in the microwave and nuke it til it's nice and hot.
The reason I'm mentioning this is because their menu has a good amount of fish and one of their "specialties" is the fish tacos. I'm just worried that the wait staff will end up suffering because of what I call OVPS. That's Ohio Valley Palate Syndrome. The majority of diners in the valley - when they think of fish, they think of it either submerged and soaked in butter or DFBAR. There's not a lot of room for compromise with a Triadelphia resident. "Ma, my fish ain't cooked through! Where'd they get this? Schenk Lake? Out the crick?"
It would be a travesty if the wait staff (which was skilled, competent and friendly) has to bear the burden of OVPS in the form of lighter tips. And aren't we in the month of lent right now? I predict that one day, ownership will question the timing of the grand opening. I liked Indigo Joe's though and I'll be back.
Monday, April 06, 2009
my license
I was speaking with a city of Wheeling police officer earlier today. He remarked that the address on my license is inaccurate. "How long ago did you live at your previous address?" I responded, "About 5 years ago." He replied, "You really need to get that updated as soon as possible." I thought to myself, but it expires in August of 2010. It was issued in 2003. He became just a slight bit more adamant, "Yeah, but it's important." The conversation was actually quite jovial.
I must be honest. I don't see myself rushing down to the DMV anytime soon. My insurance and registration are all good, and have my current address. My point - is it a reasonable expectation of the cops that all drivers on the road have the correct address on their license? What if they are trained to think of this as a "red flag." Seems plausible. Not a good sign for college kids who change residences more often than they twitter about their nightly beer consumption.
If it was so important, why wouldn't I be notified by the DMV? How come I've never heard of this? In my world, you get a new license right before the old one expires. I'm not one of these "paranoid of big brother types" - I don't mind the govt. knowing my current address, but I think I'll hold off for another year and 4 months.
I must be honest. I don't see myself rushing down to the DMV anytime soon. My insurance and registration are all good, and have my current address. My point - is it a reasonable expectation of the cops that all drivers on the road have the correct address on their license? What if they are trained to think of this as a "red flag." Seems plausible. Not a good sign for college kids who change residences more often than they twitter about their nightly beer consumption.
If it was so important, why wouldn't I be notified by the DMV? How come I've never heard of this? In my world, you get a new license right before the old one expires. I'm not one of these "paranoid of big brother types" - I don't mind the govt. knowing my current address, but I think I'll hold off for another year and 4 months.
enough
It has been insinuated that I'm taking pleasure in the misfortune others. Honestly, I harbor no ill will. To the best of my knowledge, I've never even met this woman. However, I can see how some of my recent ramblings have been insensitive. Therefore, I will immediately cease and desist discussing anymore of this (unless something totally bizarre happens).
After considerable reflection, the lawn damage estimate contest will continue forward.
After considerable reflection, the lawn damage estimate contest will continue forward.
the saga continues
I went to the Wheeling Police Dept. to obtain a copy of the report so I could submit it to my homeowners insurance company. I assume they'll contact her auto insurance carrier. I paid the $15.00 fee and they said they'd mail it to me in a few days. The desk officer seemed to have trouble locating the case number. It took him about 10 minutes and he offered up the #1628, but said nothing would be available online because it involved a DUI.
Here's an oddity about the incident - the manner in which it was reported by the newspaper. I can't believe I didn't notice it sooner. There's an unusual listing directly above her DUI notice. It reads...
Leaving the scene of an accident
At 2:34 a.m. Saturday, police were called to a Wetzel Street address regarding a domestic. There was no information on the report about leaving the scene of an accident.
This doesn't make any sense. It sounds like they were trying to "merge" the Leaving the scene w/ the DUI but utilize separate headings. It's almost as if the person who printed this decided to look for a way to save his/her own ass. I have a friend working to see if she can uncover any details about the odd wording.
I saw my neighbor leaving his garage this morning as I was coming up the driveway. I thought about stopping but we've got a "don't ask, don't tell" policy that's been going on for 2 years or so. It's really not a don't ask, don't tell. It's more like a "don't look at me, speak to me and stay away from me" policy. I was tempted to initiate a discussion but decided against it. Too risky.
By the way, I hope this woman is alright. I'm assuming she's ok. I honestly have no idea. Everybody I've spoken with claims she's a wonderful woman.
By the way, I enjoyed Gary's facebook status update...
"I wouldn't be surprised if more mothers of former WV politicians crashed into Saf's neighbor's swimming pool." Strong update.
And we've got some preliminary estimates for the contest on the insurance payout...
Saf - $847.00
Paige R. - $2,800
Katie S. - $3,600
Jess W. - $1,100
Gary M. - $1,350
This contest is open to the public. I know, I know... pictures would certainly help. I tried to be as descriptive as possible in the previous blog. Winner gets a Top 10 Vacation Destinations near Wheeling t-shirt and possibly a "certificate of excellence in estimating landscaping costs."
Here's an oddity about the incident - the manner in which it was reported by the newspaper. I can't believe I didn't notice it sooner. There's an unusual listing directly above her DUI notice. It reads...
Leaving the scene of an accident
At 2:34 a.m. Saturday, police were called to a Wetzel Street address regarding a domestic. There was no information on the report about leaving the scene of an accident.
This doesn't make any sense. It sounds like they were trying to "merge" the Leaving the scene w/ the DUI but utilize separate headings. It's almost as if the person who printed this decided to look for a way to save his/her own ass. I have a friend working to see if she can uncover any details about the odd wording.
I saw my neighbor leaving his garage this morning as I was coming up the driveway. I thought about stopping but we've got a "don't ask, don't tell" policy that's been going on for 2 years or so. It's really not a don't ask, don't tell. It's more like a "don't look at me, speak to me and stay away from me" policy. I was tempted to initiate a discussion but decided against it. Too risky.
By the way, I hope this woman is alright. I'm assuming she's ok. I honestly have no idea. Everybody I've spoken with claims she's a wonderful woman.
By the way, I enjoyed Gary's facebook status update...
"I wouldn't be surprised if more mothers of former WV politicians crashed into Saf's neighbor's swimming pool." Strong update.
And we've got some preliminary estimates for the contest on the insurance payout...
Saf - $847.00
Paige R. - $2,800
Katie S. - $3,600
Jess W. - $1,100
Gary M. - $1,350
This contest is open to the public. I know, I know... pictures would certainly help. I tried to be as descriptive as possible in the previous blog. Winner gets a Top 10 Vacation Destinations near Wheeling t-shirt and possibly a "certificate of excellence in estimating landscaping costs."
Sunday, April 05, 2009
full disclosure
Here's an excerpt from this mornings Sunday News Register in Wheeling, WV.
DUIs
At 12:55am Saturday, police arrested M. White, 74, of Wheeling for driving under the influence at an undisclosed location.
At first glance, this probably doesn't seem like headline material. Think again. Let's journey back in time to earlier that morning. I'm at my friend Gigi's house in Pittsburgh presumably minding my own business. All of a sudden, my phone starts ringing incessantly three times in a row. Sensing an emergency, I scramble downstairs. It's my good friend Heather (her last name rhymes with Holla!).
"Eric, around 2am last night a 72 year old woman drove through your lawn and ended up in your neighbor's pool! Call Gary. He has all the details."
I'm stunned, bewildered, confused, flabbergasted... Overcome with a torrent of emotions, I want answers. How could this happen? How the hell do you even get a car into my yard, let alone my neighbor's pool? Heather doesn't have any answers though.
I get back home mid-afternoon to assess the damage. What I'm about to see is eerily reminiscent of the Shock and Awe campaign during the early days of the Iraq war. My lawn has been mercilessly attacked in what appears to be some twisted form of vehicular sodomization. There are mammoth ruts on the hillside all the way down to the yard. Highly visible tire marks scar the entire length of the lawn. Sheer horror.
I"m like WHAT THE FUCK? Apparently, she was trying to turn around in the 3 point turn near my garage and failed miserably. She slid down the hill and ended up next to my fire pit (I currently call it stick mountain). Dazed and confused, I guess she sees the blue tarp covering Bill's pool. I'm assuming she thought, "Oh, praise the lord. Dear Jesus. Goodness gracious. I can see a wrap around driveway in the distance. Thank goodness. Heavens to Betsy." Needless to say, she drives across the tarp and the car starts to sink. Basically, her car met the same fate as Captain Ed's Floating Lounge. What happened next is a matter of pure speculation.
She obviously left the scene. Not sure if she knocked on Bill's door or what. I'm guessing she gathered her wits and called her son. Later that night, the cops showed up to survey the scene. Multiple towing companies show up. And I guess things got a little heated. I wasn't there, but I'm speculating that Meowee was terrified. She's not used to all this kind of stimulus. And Meowee still seems traumitized. Last night, all she could do was sit on the edge of the couch and gaze out the window. She probably blames herself. Meowee, it's not your fault.
I notice in the newspaper it reads "undisclosed location." Undisclosed location??? Undisclosed location my ass. She undisclosed herself all over my yard and hillside. Then she undisclosed herself in Bill's pool.
I just want the truth to come out. Wheeling is notorious for shady political cover-ups. Well, I've got news for the Whites. There's a new head honcho in town and he's BLACK, not white. His name's Obama and we're doing things differently now. There will be transparency from here on out.
Since I'm advocating full disclosure, I must tell you that Gil White was the realtor I bought my house from. Not my realtor, he represented the previous owners. Could it be that I'm the victim of some kind of conspiracy. For five years, the Whites have been plotting. They know I couldn't stand the Bush administration. They know I love Obama. So Gil encourages his mom to do doughnuts in my yard. All the while, she's thinking "I'll show this burn-out what a real burn-out is!" The whole incident really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Yeah, that's right - bad taste on and around my mouth.
Like I said, there will be full disclosure. I'm going down to the police station tomorrow to check the police report and seek reparations form her insurance carrier. I'm guessing the length of the tire marks in the yard is about 150 ft. The hillside has been sodomized as well. Probably about 50 ft of homo-erotic mutilation. I'm also concerned about the emotional well-being of Meowee. And what about my pain and suffering. Honestly, I'm afraid to leave the house. This could have long lasting ramifications on my limo career.
Anyway, I'll gladly be accepting predictions on how much money I'll get from her insurance. Closest prediction wins a Top 10 Vacation Destinations near Wheeling t-shirt. It's NOT closest without going over. I still hear about the change speculation incident via Merl.
And I almost forgot the best part. There are pictures of the car in the pool on somebody's cell phone. This could be a turning point in my personal blogging history as I will certainly learn how to upload these pics once I get my hands on them.
DUIs
At 12:55am Saturday, police arrested M. White, 74, of Wheeling for driving under the influence at an undisclosed location.
At first glance, this probably doesn't seem like headline material. Think again. Let's journey back in time to earlier that morning. I'm at my friend Gigi's house in Pittsburgh presumably minding my own business. All of a sudden, my phone starts ringing incessantly three times in a row. Sensing an emergency, I scramble downstairs. It's my good friend Heather (her last name rhymes with Holla!).
"Eric, around 2am last night a 72 year old woman drove through your lawn and ended up in your neighbor's pool! Call Gary. He has all the details."
I'm stunned, bewildered, confused, flabbergasted... Overcome with a torrent of emotions, I want answers. How could this happen? How the hell do you even get a car into my yard, let alone my neighbor's pool? Heather doesn't have any answers though.
I get back home mid-afternoon to assess the damage. What I'm about to see is eerily reminiscent of the Shock and Awe campaign during the early days of the Iraq war. My lawn has been mercilessly attacked in what appears to be some twisted form of vehicular sodomization. There are mammoth ruts on the hillside all the way down to the yard. Highly visible tire marks scar the entire length of the lawn. Sheer horror.
I"m like WHAT THE FUCK? Apparently, she was trying to turn around in the 3 point turn near my garage and failed miserably. She slid down the hill and ended up next to my fire pit (I currently call it stick mountain). Dazed and confused, I guess she sees the blue tarp covering Bill's pool. I'm assuming she thought, "Oh, praise the lord. Dear Jesus. Goodness gracious. I can see a wrap around driveway in the distance. Thank goodness. Heavens to Betsy." Needless to say, she drives across the tarp and the car starts to sink. Basically, her car met the same fate as Captain Ed's Floating Lounge. What happened next is a matter of pure speculation.
She obviously left the scene. Not sure if she knocked on Bill's door or what. I'm guessing she gathered her wits and called her son. Later that night, the cops showed up to survey the scene. Multiple towing companies show up. And I guess things got a little heated. I wasn't there, but I'm speculating that Meowee was terrified. She's not used to all this kind of stimulus. And Meowee still seems traumitized. Last night, all she could do was sit on the edge of the couch and gaze out the window. She probably blames herself. Meowee, it's not your fault.
I notice in the newspaper it reads "undisclosed location." Undisclosed location??? Undisclosed location my ass. She undisclosed herself all over my yard and hillside. Then she undisclosed herself in Bill's pool.
I just want the truth to come out. Wheeling is notorious for shady political cover-ups. Well, I've got news for the Whites. There's a new head honcho in town and he's BLACK, not white. His name's Obama and we're doing things differently now. There will be transparency from here on out.
Since I'm advocating full disclosure, I must tell you that Gil White was the realtor I bought my house from. Not my realtor, he represented the previous owners. Could it be that I'm the victim of some kind of conspiracy. For five years, the Whites have been plotting. They know I couldn't stand the Bush administration. They know I love Obama. So Gil encourages his mom to do doughnuts in my yard. All the while, she's thinking "I'll show this burn-out what a real burn-out is!" The whole incident really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Yeah, that's right - bad taste on and around my mouth.
Like I said, there will be full disclosure. I'm going down to the police station tomorrow to check the police report and seek reparations form her insurance carrier. I'm guessing the length of the tire marks in the yard is about 150 ft. The hillside has been sodomized as well. Probably about 50 ft of homo-erotic mutilation. I'm also concerned about the emotional well-being of Meowee. And what about my pain and suffering. Honestly, I'm afraid to leave the house. This could have long lasting ramifications on my limo career.
Anyway, I'll gladly be accepting predictions on how much money I'll get from her insurance. Closest prediction wins a Top 10 Vacation Destinations near Wheeling t-shirt. It's NOT closest without going over. I still hear about the change speculation incident via Merl.
And I almost forgot the best part. There are pictures of the car in the pool on somebody's cell phone. This could be a turning point in my personal blogging history as I will certainly learn how to upload these pics once I get my hands on them.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
unhappy meal
I've always been skeptical of McDonald's. There's just something disturbing when you watch a corpulent parent and/or guardian taking their morbidly obese child by the hand in the parking lot, guiding their way to the entrance. They have this satiated look of contentment as if they're approaching hallowed ground. I'm sure for many it truly is a sacred experience. I also don't care for the concept of The Hamburglar. Why would this guy violate his parole in a never-ending quest to acquire dollar hamburgers? And I also despise adding the prefix "Mc" to every word imaginable.
Now is the time for payback. Just today I saw an internet ad for a free chicken wrap at Tim Hortons. Available today from 11:30am > 2pm only on April 1. At first, I thought it might be an April Fool's Day internet hoax. Heather and I went there for lunch and sure enough, it was legit. But it got me wondering, what if you set up a facebook ad and email chain letter that resembled the infamous Neiman Marcus Cookie recipe from the early days of the internet. For those that don't know, some guy had a spat with Neiman Marcus, so he found out the recipe for their "secret" cookie and encouraged people to fwd the recipe to everyone they knew. Back in the late 1990's, just about everyone on the planet had this fwd in their inbox.
Here's my idea. Granted it's a bit more diabolical and disruptive. I'd prefer to use facebook since it's way more efficient and effective. Stay with me here... First you design an ad that says "McDonald's is celebrating their 100th Anniversary." They have decided, that in these recessionary times, they will give away a free Happy Meal to every customer on the first Monday of every month for an entire year! Sounds somewhat credible. The whole team is in the ad. You've got Ronald McDonald, the purple entity Grimace and, of course, the Hamburglar pedophile along with the corporate logo. The whole thing looks very convincing and official.
Of course, once this thing starts making the facebook rounds, Mcdonald's comes out and says it was all a hoax and they apologize for any confusion. Now, I can already hear what you're thinking - Great idea, Saf! You suck. What's the purpose here? I can't believe I'm reading your blogshit.
NOW WE TAKE IT ONE STEP FURTHER. There is a follow up email ready to go after all this has unfolded. It explains that what started as some kind of pathetic internet hoax is actually coming true. People are getting free happy meals. Apparently, in several cities across the country and even some locations outside the U.S., there have been numerous accounts of people going through the McDonald drive-thrus. They request their free happy meal. The brittle voice responds over the intercom, "I'm sorry sir, this was all just one big hoax." In all these situations, the person responded with, "Hey, I'm not going anywhere til I get my free happy meal as promised. I'm going to TURN OFF MY IGNITION." All of a sudden, the drive thru is clogged. What are they really going to do? The manager will tell you to get lost but if you hold your ground, they have no options outside calling the authorities.
Can you imagine the fallout from people doing this at every McDonald's nationwide? I'm sure there are tons of people (mostly males ages 16-35) who would try this out if they thought it could work. What's Mcdonald's going to do - Call the cops everytime someone pulls this routine? You've got to realize that the new ad would have testimonials from people who have successfully obtained their free happy meal. You alter the individual accounts of their particular experiences. I could write a ton of these until it takes off on its own.
And the new facebook ad actually encourages people to try it and document their experiences. It begins to spread like a virus and basically the thing has a momentum all of its own. Also in the ad, you leak a phony corporate memo that was sent out to all participating McDonalds. In it, the Vice President of Sales mentions that corporate has decided it's best to just give away the free happy meals rather than put up a fight.
I swear to god. This idea has merit. And it would be a typical facebook group entitled "I got a Free Happy Meal from McDonald's." The best part of it all - For many people, it would become a truly "happy" meal. At the same time, it would make everyone at McDonald's decidedly "unhappy."
Saf, why all the resentment? Well, about 4 years ago I ordered a meal and the senile old lady in the pick-up window didn't include my fries. Like I said earlier - Now it's time for payback! Fuck Mickey D's - The only true Mickey D. is the drummer from King Diamond.
Now is the time for payback. Just today I saw an internet ad for a free chicken wrap at Tim Hortons. Available today from 11:30am > 2pm only on April 1. At first, I thought it might be an April Fool's Day internet hoax. Heather and I went there for lunch and sure enough, it was legit. But it got me wondering, what if you set up a facebook ad and email chain letter that resembled the infamous Neiman Marcus Cookie recipe from the early days of the internet. For those that don't know, some guy had a spat with Neiman Marcus, so he found out the recipe for their "secret" cookie and encouraged people to fwd the recipe to everyone they knew. Back in the late 1990's, just about everyone on the planet had this fwd in their inbox.
Here's my idea. Granted it's a bit more diabolical and disruptive. I'd prefer to use facebook since it's way more efficient and effective. Stay with me here... First you design an ad that says "McDonald's is celebrating their 100th Anniversary." They have decided, that in these recessionary times, they will give away a free Happy Meal to every customer on the first Monday of every month for an entire year! Sounds somewhat credible. The whole team is in the ad. You've got Ronald McDonald, the purple entity Grimace and, of course, the Hamburglar pedophile along with the corporate logo. The whole thing looks very convincing and official.
Of course, once this thing starts making the facebook rounds, Mcdonald's comes out and says it was all a hoax and they apologize for any confusion. Now, I can already hear what you're thinking - Great idea, Saf! You suck. What's the purpose here? I can't believe I'm reading your blogshit.
NOW WE TAKE IT ONE STEP FURTHER. There is a follow up email ready to go after all this has unfolded. It explains that what started as some kind of pathetic internet hoax is actually coming true. People are getting free happy meals. Apparently, in several cities across the country and even some locations outside the U.S., there have been numerous accounts of people going through the McDonald drive-thrus. They request their free happy meal. The brittle voice responds over the intercom, "I'm sorry sir, this was all just one big hoax." In all these situations, the person responded with, "Hey, I'm not going anywhere til I get my free happy meal as promised. I'm going to TURN OFF MY IGNITION." All of a sudden, the drive thru is clogged. What are they really going to do? The manager will tell you to get lost but if you hold your ground, they have no options outside calling the authorities.
Can you imagine the fallout from people doing this at every McDonald's nationwide? I'm sure there are tons of people (mostly males ages 16-35) who would try this out if they thought it could work. What's Mcdonald's going to do - Call the cops everytime someone pulls this routine? You've got to realize that the new ad would have testimonials from people who have successfully obtained their free happy meal. You alter the individual accounts of their particular experiences. I could write a ton of these until it takes off on its own.
And the new facebook ad actually encourages people to try it and document their experiences. It begins to spread like a virus and basically the thing has a momentum all of its own. Also in the ad, you leak a phony corporate memo that was sent out to all participating McDonalds. In it, the Vice President of Sales mentions that corporate has decided it's best to just give away the free happy meals rather than put up a fight.
I swear to god. This idea has merit. And it would be a typical facebook group entitled "I got a Free Happy Meal from McDonald's." The best part of it all - For many people, it would become a truly "happy" meal. At the same time, it would make everyone at McDonald's decidedly "unhappy."
Saf, why all the resentment? Well, about 4 years ago I ordered a meal and the senile old lady in the pick-up window didn't include my fries. Like I said earlier - Now it's time for payback! Fuck Mickey D's - The only true Mickey D. is the drummer from King Diamond.
Monday, March 30, 2009
soccer riot
There was a soccer riot over the weekend in Abidjan, Ivory Coast. I'm not sure if it was a riot. From what I've read, it sounds more like a crush or a stampede. Initial reports suggest 19 to 22 dead and about 132 wounded. Police may have contributed to the chaos by firing rounds of tear gas.
Why would I mention a newsreel blip like this, aside from my fascination with soccer riots and frenzied mobs? Well, all this happened BEFORE the game. Apparently, they decided to go ahead with the game (an African World Cup qualifying match). They were about halfway through the group qualifying stage (6th out of 10 games). Ivory Coast would eventually go on to win the game against Malawi 5-0.
I find this intriguing because I wonder if the game would have commenced if a similar tragedy had occurred in Europe or the United States. My conclusion - in Europe, I seriously doubt it. In the States, no way in hell. What about Central or South America? What's intriguing here is the barometer by which a country or culture measures the value of human life. Be sure to understand what I'm saying - I'm NOT suggesting that Africans have less regard for human life. I AM suggesting the possibility that when death and violence have become such an ingrained routine observance in normal day-to-day activity, a certain "desensitization" sets in.
When the great civilization of the United States crumbles, and trust me, it will eventually fall just like every other "great" empire, I wonder if a scenario like this could unfold on our turf. Remember, Ivory Coast authorities had the opportunity to delay or cancel the game. They opted to proceed. Perhaps they concluded that had they canceled the game, a riot of greater magnitude might transpire. It's hard to accurately judge what happened from a house in Wheeling, WV.
All of this just made me think of The Who concert in Cincinnati (1979 maybe) where people got crushed to death before the general admission show. I forget the death count - I think it was 10-20. I wonder if they went ahead with the concert. Not quite sure.
Why would I mention a newsreel blip like this, aside from my fascination with soccer riots and frenzied mobs? Well, all this happened BEFORE the game. Apparently, they decided to go ahead with the game (an African World Cup qualifying match). They were about halfway through the group qualifying stage (6th out of 10 games). Ivory Coast would eventually go on to win the game against Malawi 5-0.
I find this intriguing because I wonder if the game would have commenced if a similar tragedy had occurred in Europe or the United States. My conclusion - in Europe, I seriously doubt it. In the States, no way in hell. What about Central or South America? What's intriguing here is the barometer by which a country or culture measures the value of human life. Be sure to understand what I'm saying - I'm NOT suggesting that Africans have less regard for human life. I AM suggesting the possibility that when death and violence have become such an ingrained routine observance in normal day-to-day activity, a certain "desensitization" sets in.
When the great civilization of the United States crumbles, and trust me, it will eventually fall just like every other "great" empire, I wonder if a scenario like this could unfold on our turf. Remember, Ivory Coast authorities had the opportunity to delay or cancel the game. They opted to proceed. Perhaps they concluded that had they canceled the game, a riot of greater magnitude might transpire. It's hard to accurately judge what happened from a house in Wheeling, WV.
All of this just made me think of The Who concert in Cincinnati (1979 maybe) where people got crushed to death before the general admission show. I forget the death count - I think it was 10-20. I wonder if they went ahead with the concert. Not quite sure.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Greco's
A good friend of mine once said, and I quote, "Greco's is the best Italian food from here to Pittsburgh." I responded with a vitriolic tirade marked with unabashed caustic venom. What the Fuck? Greco's? Are you fucking kidding me? Apparently he was not - his name is Doug. Truth be told, he's one of my favorite human beings on the planet. High praise indeed.
Well, I ate there today and it was pretty much as expected. Everyone at my table opted for the buffet, so I acquiesced and joined "the party."
The salad bar didn't have much in the way of credible toppings, unless you consider tapioca pudding an adequate garnish. It could be more of a space issue. There was an ample choice of 6 dressings, but you had to guess what they were. Perhaps a little sign that says "light ranch" might confuse the delicate palate of the Grecovites. I would suggest signs that read "white" for ranch and "yellow" for creamy Italian. This way a diner could walk back to the table and proudly extol, "Look ma, I put the yummy white on it! I'm gonna put yella on the next one, gramps!"
The pizza buffet was exceptionally disgusting. Simply stated, the pizza is not cooked sufficiently. What you're left with is a doughy spectacle of grief and despair. I just don't know. The mushrooms are straight out of a can - I think I can see the Pennsylvania Dutch label from orbit. They also offer these miniaturized pepperoni rolls. I don't think adjectives like gross or abysmal are applicable here. You must invoke horrific descriptions. For example, these pepperoni rolls taste like "the aftermath of tsunami" or "the unforgiving tribal hatred of the Hutus and Tutsis."
Come to think of it, I've had other bad experiences in that plaza. The True Value (or as I like to call it, False Value) people took 6 weeks to sharpen the blades on my lawn mower and then, when I went to pay the $5.00, they ridiculed me for being anti-Bush. There also was a stolen milk crate debacle back in the early 1990's, but I brought that one upon myself. There is one shining beacon of light... the dumpster behind Convenient. Yep, that is all.
Well, I ate there today and it was pretty much as expected. Everyone at my table opted for the buffet, so I acquiesced and joined "the party."
The salad bar didn't have much in the way of credible toppings, unless you consider tapioca pudding an adequate garnish. It could be more of a space issue. There was an ample choice of 6 dressings, but you had to guess what they were. Perhaps a little sign that says "light ranch" might confuse the delicate palate of the Grecovites. I would suggest signs that read "white" for ranch and "yellow" for creamy Italian. This way a diner could walk back to the table and proudly extol, "Look ma, I put the yummy white on it! I'm gonna put yella on the next one, gramps!"
The pizza buffet was exceptionally disgusting. Simply stated, the pizza is not cooked sufficiently. What you're left with is a doughy spectacle of grief and despair. I just don't know. The mushrooms are straight out of a can - I think I can see the Pennsylvania Dutch label from orbit. They also offer these miniaturized pepperoni rolls. I don't think adjectives like gross or abysmal are applicable here. You must invoke horrific descriptions. For example, these pepperoni rolls taste like "the aftermath of tsunami" or "the unforgiving tribal hatred of the Hutus and Tutsis."
Come to think of it, I've had other bad experiences in that plaza. The True Value (or as I like to call it, False Value) people took 6 weeks to sharpen the blades on my lawn mower and then, when I went to pay the $5.00, they ridiculed me for being anti-Bush. There also was a stolen milk crate debacle back in the early 1990's, but I brought that one upon myself. There is one shining beacon of light... the dumpster behind Convenient. Yep, that is all.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Top 10 Sex Moves in Wheeling, WV
10. THE CLINTON HILLS
Pretend you're Bill Clinton. When your wife strips down, loudly proclaim, "Wow, that's a big dick!"
9. THE TRIADELPHIA
Ahhh... you're growing up. From the youthfully innocent "Try da feel ya" to the present day hardcore "Tri-dirty"
8. THE WHEELING ISLAND
You must love anal because the Island is a real shithole.
7. THE DICARLOS
Offering the hottest phone sex in town. While whacking off, call down and they'll answer "DICK...arlos"
6. THE WHEELING DOWNS
When you finish and she goes to light up a cigarette, tell her, "No smoking, bitch. Only at the casino, Ho!"
5. THE MOON DOGGIE STYLE
Fuck her like Moondog. When you're done, just give her a blank stare. You don't need to talk to that bitch."
4. THE WHEELING NAIL-HER
You're a minor league superstar worshipped by 11-year old girls. So fuck 'em all. Pedophiles Unite!
3. THE PALACE OF GOLD
Meditate, eat some vegetarian slop and go Krishna Berzerker on that Hare pussy!
2. THE WHEELING TUNNEL
You're totally screwed. All the Viagra in the world can't repair your fucked up dick!
1. THE JAMBO
Fuck her in a port-a-jon at Jamboree in the Hills. Embrace the scent - It's known as the acrid stench of incest.
DISCLAIMER: If you're a Wheeling Bible Belter, I'm very sorry. You weren't supposed to see this.
Pretend you're Bill Clinton. When your wife strips down, loudly proclaim, "Wow, that's a big dick!"
9. THE TRIADELPHIA
Ahhh... you're growing up. From the youthfully innocent "Try da feel ya" to the present day hardcore "Tri-dirty"
8. THE WHEELING ISLAND
You must love anal because the Island is a real shithole.
7. THE DICARLOS
Offering the hottest phone sex in town. While whacking off, call down and they'll answer "DICK...arlos"
6. THE WHEELING DOWNS
When you finish and she goes to light up a cigarette, tell her, "No smoking, bitch. Only at the casino, Ho!"
5. THE MOON DOGGIE STYLE
Fuck her like Moondog. When you're done, just give her a blank stare. You don't need to talk to that bitch."
4. THE WHEELING NAIL-HER
You're a minor league superstar worshipped by 11-year old girls. So fuck 'em all. Pedophiles Unite!
3. THE PALACE OF GOLD
Meditate, eat some vegetarian slop and go Krishna Berzerker on that Hare pussy!
2. THE WHEELING TUNNEL
You're totally screwed. All the Viagra in the world can't repair your fucked up dick!
1. THE JAMBO
Fuck her in a port-a-jon at Jamboree in the Hills. Embrace the scent - It's known as the acrid stench of incest.
DISCLAIMER: If you're a Wheeling Bible Belter, I'm very sorry. You weren't supposed to see this.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Top 10 Forgotten Bars of Wheeling
10. Mac's
Coach was the dickhead. Wonderful Wonderful.
9. The Study Hall
Great business model. Torch the place and collect the insurance.
8. Bud's Club
Home of the Bud Burger. Fuck That! Home of the heroin addict.
7. Office Lounge
Rest room to crowded? No problem - piss in the alley.
6. The Metro
Was it a metal bar? Was it a redneck bar? Was it a gay bar? No one really knew.
5. The Firehouse
Remember those two gay dudes that videotaped everyone smoking dope out back and sent the footage to WTOV9? Did you make the evening news?
4. My Club
Bad promotional ideas... C-section night, dental improvement night and "bring your daughter to work" night all failed miserably.
3. Captain Ed's Floating Lounge.
Sucked. Stank. Sunk.
2. Stormin' Norman's
This place was coked, err...uhhh, choked out of business. My bad.
1. The Eagle Inn
The original Wheeling meat market. 44 year old divorced mother of three - cinch in that pussy pillow. Tonight you will shine.
Coach was the dickhead. Wonderful Wonderful.
9. The Study Hall
Great business model. Torch the place and collect the insurance.
8. Bud's Club
Home of the Bud Burger. Fuck That! Home of the heroin addict.
7. Office Lounge
Rest room to crowded? No problem - piss in the alley.
6. The Metro
Was it a metal bar? Was it a redneck bar? Was it a gay bar? No one really knew.
5. The Firehouse
Remember those two gay dudes that videotaped everyone smoking dope out back and sent the footage to WTOV9? Did you make the evening news?
4. My Club
Bad promotional ideas... C-section night, dental improvement night and "bring your daughter to work" night all failed miserably.
3. Captain Ed's Floating Lounge.
Sucked. Stank. Sunk.
2. Stormin' Norman's
This place was coked, err...uhhh, choked out of business. My bad.
1. The Eagle Inn
The original Wheeling meat market. 44 year old divorced mother of three - cinch in that pussy pillow. Tonight you will shine.
Monday, March 09, 2009
gate crashing
I've always been fascinated by the power of the mob. Whether it be soccer riots, political rallies or even a going out of business sale at Bed, Bath & Beyond. I get this strange sense of exhilaration when I see the potential for acts of hooliganism, looting and general destruction. There's just something wildly invigorating about watching the emergence of chaos.
Over the years, I've been swept up in a few mob scenes. My all-time favorite was the Deer Creek Grateful Dead riot in the summer of 1995. For those of you who missed it, about 8,000 fans unruly fans stormed the hillside of an ampitheatre in Noblesville, Indiana. I was among them. We ripped apart the wooden fence as cops unleashed the hounds and launched canisters of tear gas. Then, they called in about 100 cruisers from nearby Indianapolis while police helicopters hovered above the venue. Upon reflection, it was an unusual gate crashing. There was a group of about 20 hippies at the northern side of the parking lot that made the move towards the end of the first set. Very little coordination or planning went into this one. Then, suddenly the mob erupted and everyone charged. My point - it was an act of totally disorganized spontaneity.
I've always wondered if you could harness and better coordinate the power of the mob. In this day and age of instant communication via text messaging, the answer is... yes. Let's get hypothetical here but we'll stay well grounded in reality. U2 just announced their stadium tour for North America. They've decided to play only football stadiums. Two of the more obscure dates are for Charlottesville and Raleigh. These will be huge shows that draw in the 50,000 range. Since they're college oriented towns, I'd expect that demand will exceed supply on the ticket front. Plus, there will be the usual tailgating and an alcohol induced supercharged atmosphere. Let's say there's a website out there called gatecrashers.com. Currently, no such site exists but what if there was such a forum. It would be an open forum where people could discuss upcoming concerts and sporting events all over the country. The site would also offer a small box where you could input your cell phone number. On the day of the event, just before show time, you could receive an instant message. This message would designate an exact time and place where a ticketless mob will congregate. Now I'm not a security professional or some bullshit rent-a-cop, but I'll tell you one thing - if 1,000 people without tickets suddenly convene right outside Gate D, a mob could instantly form and just push their way in. Whether or not you have a ticket becomes completely irrelevant if you get caught up in the "surge."
If I were going to attend an event, I'd certainly want to know when and where the chaos will emerge. My mindset - Hell, I'm on my way to the concert. I might as well check it out, maybe videotape the crush on my cell phone. Even if you somehow manage to mobilize a few security chumps, there's nothing that can be done. The power of the mob will ALWAYS win via strength in numbers. Hypothetically, you've got 50,000 people converging on the entry points. Suddenly, about 2,500 get the same text message. It's at Gate C, 7:37pm. That's all you need. And trust me, word will spread instantly. Unless, you're a total chickenshit or 7 months pregnant, who isn't going to zip over and check out the mob? Most rock bands like U2 aren't helping themselves with top ticket prices of $400 during a recession. That's just extra motivation.
You might ask, "Well Saf, why haven't we seen this shit go down?" The answer is simple, people have yet to comprehend the power of merging texting with large unruly throngs. I've seen it emerge on a much smaller level - when our local pigs have a surprise DUI checkpoint in Wheeling. You'll see a text go out and it informally makes the rounds. This is what I'd call defensive or preventative texting. You're trying to alert the populace and look out for your mutual friends. My idea of assembling the mob is simply more on the offensive side or as I like to call it "Takin' it to the streets."
Certain events really lend themselves to this idea. Obviously rock concerts, particularly metal and redneck country shows. Stadium style venues that aren't accustomed to dealing with large scale rock concert productions. Think about it - you're attending an all day Rock Festival in one of those mammoth European soccer stadiums. Who wouldn't want to be notified where the mob is going to instantly emerge? At the very least, it makes for some interesting discussion on the ride home. At some point, we will see this happen. I'm thinking by 2012. It's way more likely to become commonplace in South America and parts of Europe; then, eventually make its way to the United States in 2012 or so. I'd get more into the logistics, but I don't feel like talking about it anymore. Perhaps in my next blog...
Over the years, I've been swept up in a few mob scenes. My all-time favorite was the Deer Creek Grateful Dead riot in the summer of 1995. For those of you who missed it, about 8,000 fans unruly fans stormed the hillside of an ampitheatre in Noblesville, Indiana. I was among them. We ripped apart the wooden fence as cops unleashed the hounds and launched canisters of tear gas. Then, they called in about 100 cruisers from nearby Indianapolis while police helicopters hovered above the venue. Upon reflection, it was an unusual gate crashing. There was a group of about 20 hippies at the northern side of the parking lot that made the move towards the end of the first set. Very little coordination or planning went into this one. Then, suddenly the mob erupted and everyone charged. My point - it was an act of totally disorganized spontaneity.
I've always wondered if you could harness and better coordinate the power of the mob. In this day and age of instant communication via text messaging, the answer is... yes. Let's get hypothetical here but we'll stay well grounded in reality. U2 just announced their stadium tour for North America. They've decided to play only football stadiums. Two of the more obscure dates are for Charlottesville and Raleigh. These will be huge shows that draw in the 50,000 range. Since they're college oriented towns, I'd expect that demand will exceed supply on the ticket front. Plus, there will be the usual tailgating and an alcohol induced supercharged atmosphere. Let's say there's a website out there called gatecrashers.com. Currently, no such site exists but what if there was such a forum. It would be an open forum where people could discuss upcoming concerts and sporting events all over the country. The site would also offer a small box where you could input your cell phone number. On the day of the event, just before show time, you could receive an instant message. This message would designate an exact time and place where a ticketless mob will congregate. Now I'm not a security professional or some bullshit rent-a-cop, but I'll tell you one thing - if 1,000 people without tickets suddenly convene right outside Gate D, a mob could instantly form and just push their way in. Whether or not you have a ticket becomes completely irrelevant if you get caught up in the "surge."
If I were going to attend an event, I'd certainly want to know when and where the chaos will emerge. My mindset - Hell, I'm on my way to the concert. I might as well check it out, maybe videotape the crush on my cell phone. Even if you somehow manage to mobilize a few security chumps, there's nothing that can be done. The power of the mob will ALWAYS win via strength in numbers. Hypothetically, you've got 50,000 people converging on the entry points. Suddenly, about 2,500 get the same text message. It's at Gate C, 7:37pm. That's all you need. And trust me, word will spread instantly. Unless, you're a total chickenshit or 7 months pregnant, who isn't going to zip over and check out the mob? Most rock bands like U2 aren't helping themselves with top ticket prices of $400 during a recession. That's just extra motivation.
You might ask, "Well Saf, why haven't we seen this shit go down?" The answer is simple, people have yet to comprehend the power of merging texting with large unruly throngs. I've seen it emerge on a much smaller level - when our local pigs have a surprise DUI checkpoint in Wheeling. You'll see a text go out and it informally makes the rounds. This is what I'd call defensive or preventative texting. You're trying to alert the populace and look out for your mutual friends. My idea of assembling the mob is simply more on the offensive side or as I like to call it "Takin' it to the streets."
Certain events really lend themselves to this idea. Obviously rock concerts, particularly metal and redneck country shows. Stadium style venues that aren't accustomed to dealing with large scale rock concert productions. Think about it - you're attending an all day Rock Festival in one of those mammoth European soccer stadiums. Who wouldn't want to be notified where the mob is going to instantly emerge? At the very least, it makes for some interesting discussion on the ride home. At some point, we will see this happen. I'm thinking by 2012. It's way more likely to become commonplace in South America and parts of Europe; then, eventually make its way to the United States in 2012 or so. I'd get more into the logistics, but I don't feel like talking about it anymore. Perhaps in my next blog...
Monday, March 02, 2009
Fleetwood Mac / Mellon Arena
Last night was the tour opener for Fleetwood Mac at Mellon Arena. Why they chose Pittsburgh, I have no idea. Gigi and I met up with Nikki and Mike for dinner and drinks at Bigelow Grill at 6pm. I had never been there before and seriously doubt I'll return anytime soon. Gigi had this cauliflower oriented soup which was decent. Mike and Nikki both had fish and salad. I wasn't really hungry, so I opted for this wild mushroom and gorgonzola pizza appetizer. If they had decreased the amount of gorgonzola by 80%, it would have been decent. Suffice to say, it was not. The service ranged from mediocre to poor, but I was more interested in just chit-chatting before the show and having a couple beers.
Those 2 had purchased Igloo tickets so they were good to go. We briskly hiked to the arena in search of some cheap tickets. It was freezing cold and I didn't feel much like bartering. Cheap seats were $52 + service and the good seats were $150 + service charge. I found a guy right out front who had two extra in Section E. He wanted an even $100. I countered with 2 for $40. He dropped to $60, then $50. I kind of felt bad for him so I said, "Hey, let's meet in the middle at $45. This way we can all take away something positive from tonight." Bingo! That ordeal took about 35 seconds. And hey, we're in a recession. Right?
We zipped in and ventured to the side of the stage. We were about 20 rows up from the 3 background singers, directly below the widescreen. Great seats - I love standing on the side and we had the entire row to ourselves.
I've always been a fan of Fleetwood Mac. They're just an unusual collaboration of individuals. You've got Lindsay Buckingham who's kind of arrogantly talented, Stevie Nicks who's kind of mysterious and the drummer guy who provides a 70 year old foundation. Christie McVie isn't touring with them which kind of blows. She brings a very cool dimension to the band - kind of like a pleasant host of a casual, but sophisticated dinner party. Just for the record, there was an additional drummer, relatively hidden on the lower side of the stage. I think they needed a little extra ooomph for some of the songs. The kid did get to take a bow near the end so at least they gave him credit.
Pretty much a greatest hits show. Everyone sounded decent, nothing too outrageous or over-the-top. Highlights for me were The Chain, Rhiannon, and a great version of Gold Dust Woman. They closed out with Don't Stop and came back for Silver Springs. I liked the mellow closer. Kind of reminded me of when the Dead would close shows on a softer note. Quiet the crowd and send them home with a warm glow. After all, we'll rock it out later. The only low point was Lindsay Buckingham's mid 1980's solo material. Why he decided to include this stuff, I have no idea.
Halfway through the show, I noticed some open seats in the front row on the side, so we discreetly zipped down there and hung out. We invaded the space of an older mulleted gentleman who complained briefly and then took off for some other aisle seats. These were obviously unsold seats. I was hardly surprised that nobody was brave enough to move down. For the most part, the crowd was lame. Vast sections remained seated for the entire show. Well, until the end of course where people got up and suddenly acted jubilant. I know... I know... It's an older crowd, but come the fuck on!
Anyway, at the sound of the last note, we hit the restrooms and bolted to the car. We made it back to Gig's house in about 6 minutes. I'm just not accustomed to that. Usually it takes an hour to get back to Wheeling. No need to do any after-tailgating. It was freezing outside.
All in all, it was a great time/great show but totally paled in comparison to the Fleetwood Mac Starlake show of 1997. Now that one was a concert for the ages. Only one downer note - I didn't get to hear Edge of Seventeen (Stevie Nicks solo material), but she did play it at the 2001 Starlake show, so that is that. I've said it before and I'll say it one more time - I have no need for a Fleetwood Cadillac nor a Big Mac, but a combination of the two ain't bad.
Those 2 had purchased Igloo tickets so they were good to go. We briskly hiked to the arena in search of some cheap tickets. It was freezing cold and I didn't feel much like bartering. Cheap seats were $52 + service and the good seats were $150 + service charge. I found a guy right out front who had two extra in Section E. He wanted an even $100. I countered with 2 for $40. He dropped to $60, then $50. I kind of felt bad for him so I said, "Hey, let's meet in the middle at $45. This way we can all take away something positive from tonight." Bingo! That ordeal took about 35 seconds. And hey, we're in a recession. Right?
We zipped in and ventured to the side of the stage. We were about 20 rows up from the 3 background singers, directly below the widescreen. Great seats - I love standing on the side and we had the entire row to ourselves.
I've always been a fan of Fleetwood Mac. They're just an unusual collaboration of individuals. You've got Lindsay Buckingham who's kind of arrogantly talented, Stevie Nicks who's kind of mysterious and the drummer guy who provides a 70 year old foundation. Christie McVie isn't touring with them which kind of blows. She brings a very cool dimension to the band - kind of like a pleasant host of a casual, but sophisticated dinner party. Just for the record, there was an additional drummer, relatively hidden on the lower side of the stage. I think they needed a little extra ooomph for some of the songs. The kid did get to take a bow near the end so at least they gave him credit.
Pretty much a greatest hits show. Everyone sounded decent, nothing too outrageous or over-the-top. Highlights for me were The Chain, Rhiannon, and a great version of Gold Dust Woman. They closed out with Don't Stop and came back for Silver Springs. I liked the mellow closer. Kind of reminded me of when the Dead would close shows on a softer note. Quiet the crowd and send them home with a warm glow. After all, we'll rock it out later. The only low point was Lindsay Buckingham's mid 1980's solo material. Why he decided to include this stuff, I have no idea.
Halfway through the show, I noticed some open seats in the front row on the side, so we discreetly zipped down there and hung out. We invaded the space of an older mulleted gentleman who complained briefly and then took off for some other aisle seats. These were obviously unsold seats. I was hardly surprised that nobody was brave enough to move down. For the most part, the crowd was lame. Vast sections remained seated for the entire show. Well, until the end of course where people got up and suddenly acted jubilant. I know... I know... It's an older crowd, but come the fuck on!
Anyway, at the sound of the last note, we hit the restrooms and bolted to the car. We made it back to Gig's house in about 6 minutes. I'm just not accustomed to that. Usually it takes an hour to get back to Wheeling. No need to do any after-tailgating. It was freezing outside.
All in all, it was a great time/great show but totally paled in comparison to the Fleetwood Mac Starlake show of 1997. Now that one was a concert for the ages. Only one downer note - I didn't get to hear Edge of Seventeen (Stevie Nicks solo material), but she did play it at the 2001 Starlake show, so that is that. I've said it before and I'll say it one more time - I have no need for a Fleetwood Cadillac nor a Big Mac, but a combination of the two ain't bad.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
random observations
Just wanted to mention a few things I've thought about lately...
Remember when there was an outcry in California to get rid of governer Gray Davis. Granted, this guy was about as exciting as a local algebra teacher, but he was still an elected official. The referendum to have a special election was based on his lack of fiscal oversight in the debt ridden state. After all, California had a budget deficit of 6 billion at the time. Fortunately, California voters were wise enough to elect Arnold Scharzenegger aka The Governator. Now their budget deficit is 42 billion. Maybe they should have stuck with Gray Davis, but that election was just so much fun. They had porn star Mary Carey, midget TV phenom Gary Coleman, and roughly 300 other people run for Governor.
Fox News always makes this huge production that Iran and North Korea are going to test fire long range missiles. What country with long range missiles does NOT actively test them? Wouldn't it be even more irresponsible to have these missiles and not engage in routine testing? Why does Fox only mention the "axis of evil" countries in this regard. Why not disclose when India and Israel perform tests? Wouldn't that be a little more fair and balanced?
Here's an idea. When you speak with low income Republican who voted for Bush and is an ardent supporter of the war in Iraq, ask them to name 2 other cities in the country other than Baghdad. In Afghanistan, see if they can name 1 city.
Why did El Salvador commit troops to the Iraq war? How could this possibly have been in the national interest of a tiny impoverished country in Central America? Does the average El Salvadorian really have a vested interest in the Middle East or the political transformation of Iraq. They were just one of the more obscure members of the "coalition of the willing."
What kind of bank would extend a $400,000 mortgage with no money down?
How could the sequel to Meet the Parents be so pathetic when the first one was so hysterical?
Why does the Republican party seek to destroy absolutely anyone that proposes raising taxes? For a party that supposedly embraces sound principles of economics, you'd think they'd realize that in good times you're supposed to increase taxes and during recessionary times, you decrease taxes. It's called Econ 101. You can't just keep indiscriminately cutting taxes in every situation. Eventually you'd have no revenue.
Rank these 10 things in order of importance AS THEY AFFECT YOUR LIFE. BE TOTALLY HONEST. Which are you most likely to talk discuss with friends and family...
Nadya Suleman, the price of gasoline, the weekly episode of American Idol, the war in Iraq, long term U.S. energy policy, celebrity couples and romances, Nascar, Oprah's Book Club or any book, credit card debt, high profile arrests & mugshots.
Remember when there was an outcry in California to get rid of governer Gray Davis. Granted, this guy was about as exciting as a local algebra teacher, but he was still an elected official. The referendum to have a special election was based on his lack of fiscal oversight in the debt ridden state. After all, California had a budget deficit of 6 billion at the time. Fortunately, California voters were wise enough to elect Arnold Scharzenegger aka The Governator. Now their budget deficit is 42 billion. Maybe they should have stuck with Gray Davis, but that election was just so much fun. They had porn star Mary Carey, midget TV phenom Gary Coleman, and roughly 300 other people run for Governor.
Fox News always makes this huge production that Iran and North Korea are going to test fire long range missiles. What country with long range missiles does NOT actively test them? Wouldn't it be even more irresponsible to have these missiles and not engage in routine testing? Why does Fox only mention the "axis of evil" countries in this regard. Why not disclose when India and Israel perform tests? Wouldn't that be a little more fair and balanced?
Here's an idea. When you speak with low income Republican who voted for Bush and is an ardent supporter of the war in Iraq, ask them to name 2 other cities in the country other than Baghdad. In Afghanistan, see if they can name 1 city.
Why did El Salvador commit troops to the Iraq war? How could this possibly have been in the national interest of a tiny impoverished country in Central America? Does the average El Salvadorian really have a vested interest in the Middle East or the political transformation of Iraq. They were just one of the more obscure members of the "coalition of the willing."
What kind of bank would extend a $400,000 mortgage with no money down?
How could the sequel to Meet the Parents be so pathetic when the first one was so hysterical?
Why does the Republican party seek to destroy absolutely anyone that proposes raising taxes? For a party that supposedly embraces sound principles of economics, you'd think they'd realize that in good times you're supposed to increase taxes and during recessionary times, you decrease taxes. It's called Econ 101. You can't just keep indiscriminately cutting taxes in every situation. Eventually you'd have no revenue.
Rank these 10 things in order of importance AS THEY AFFECT YOUR LIFE. BE TOTALLY HONEST. Which are you most likely to talk discuss with friends and family...
Nadya Suleman, the price of gasoline, the weekly episode of American Idol, the war in Iraq, long term U.S. energy policy, celebrity couples and romances, Nascar, Oprah's Book Club or any book, credit card debt, high profile arrests & mugshots.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Top 10 WORST Rock Concerts
You always see these lists everywhere - Favorite rock bands, vehicles I used to own, best recipes, favorite expressions (you know, "gag my with a spoon", "FACIAL")... on and on it goes, reluctantly and with a momentum entirely of its own. I already compiled a list of my favorite rock concerts a couple of years ago.
Well, how about a list of the absolute WORST rock concerts I've ever seen. I have all my ticket stubs showcased on my bedroom wall, so it was easy for me to walk around and pick them out. I would encourage others to make a similar list. I'll try to offer a brief explanation of why the show sucked. I'll also avoid targeting shitty bands, Jimmy Buffett and various country acts - what purpose would this possibly serve.
These are listed in no particular order.
10. Deep Purple & The Scorpions, June 15, 2002, Post Gazette Pavilion
I wouldn't classify this show as poor, but rather oddly pathetic. What desperate promoter conjured up this pairing? This was when The Scorpions came out with those horrible songs - Winds of Change and Gorky Park. When I saw these large, toothless morons swaying to that Winds of Change song, I bolted for the car and procured a much needed beverage. You think of great bands that have become absolute jokes - Aerosmith, Van Halen/Hagar, and The Scorpions are right up there.
9. Allman Brothers - Post Gazette (I think it was the 2003 show).
I love the Allman Brothers. Seen them about 10 times. There was one show that was really uninspiring. I'm sure their fans who go see them in Burgettstown every year know which year I'm talking about.
8. The Artist Formerly Known As Prince - 1997, Mellon Arena
I saw his Musicology Tour in 2004 at Mellon and it was one of the best concerts I've ever seen. This show was blatantly lame. First off, the venue was half full. He was at the peak of his Jehovah's Witness phase and properly referred to as The Artist. He wouldn't play any of his racy material and he refused to curse on stage, so he had the audience yell out words like "damn" or "hell." What the fuck? What was this? Although he's a weirdo, Prince is fantastic. But this tour he was straight weirdo.
7. Rusted Root - Wheeling Civic Center (I think it was 1996 or 97)
Rusted Root (I like to call them Rusted Soot) came to town riding the wave of that crappy "Simmy's on the Way" song. There's something embarrassing about going to see a concert in Wheeling. After the show, I feel like my mom's supposed to discreetly pick me up and tell me it's time for bed. This was the show where a Wheeling Jesuit girl bit the dust in the restroom and had to got to the emergency room so they could wire her jaw shut. I remember partying on the Island that night at Smitty's house. Long night for everyone.
6. Santana - Post Gazette Pavilion, 2003
This was the year Santana teamed up with all those crappy Top 40 bands - Goo Goo Dolls, the Matchbox 20 fag, Third Eye Blind. He released this horrible collaborative cd with all these endlessly regurgitated pop songs. Rest assured, he played them all to a crowd of rabid 40 year old women who had no idea his first name was Carlos.
5. Beat Bash - Post Gazette Pavillion, August 25, 2001
I'm still not sure what this was, why I was there or who I was with. I ight have zipped up just to scalp. Lots of Eminem, fake wanna-be thugs all over the parking lot. Not sure who played but I vaguely remember something called Kool-Aid and JoJo. This concert may have been a contributing factor to 9/11.
4. Grateful Dead - 3-18-91, Cap Center - Landover, Maryland
Everyone loves a Dead show, right??? Well this one totally sucked. Jerry kept forgetting lyrics and the band just sounded horrible. Setlist was boring and uninspired too. Couldn't even compensate through partying at the campground (Greenbelt) because we were continually harassed by militant park rangers. They even took our beer.
3. Anthrax, Exodus & Helloween - Hara Arena, Dayton, Ohio 4-24-89
Of all the top tier trash bands, Anthrax was always out of place. The only thing I remember was being embarrased to cheer, clap or applaud. Not a good sign.
2. The Other Ones - Mellon Arena, November 29, 2002
This was one of those early Phil and Friends shows. Plain awful. We had a good time though. For a while, we were behind the stage until security tossed us out. I hate to say this, but from what I've seen, the remaining members of the Grateful Dead and their affiliate members have become a colossal joke. You gotta know when to hang it up. Here's an idea - don't tour during the winter. So at the very least, we can enjoy the tailgating weather.
1. David Bowie & Nine Inch Nails - Starlake Ampitheatre, September 23, 1995
This was the year they collaborated. I think it was called "Tin Can Project" or something to that effect. We were so psyched. Instead, they played only the new material. You could see the disappointment in the entire crowd. After the show, everyone bitched on the way to their vehicles. You don't see that very often.
Honorable Mention - What else could it be but the Grateful Dead Blizzard Show. 3-20-94, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, Ohio
They canceled the show the night before and everyone partied their asses off at any hotel, rest stop, Taco Bell, wherever... Fuck it! State of Emergency and, ohhh yeah, the Dead comes to town. We were totally psyched. It might have been one hell of a party, but let's be honest. That show sucked.
Well, how about a list of the absolute WORST rock concerts I've ever seen. I have all my ticket stubs showcased on my bedroom wall, so it was easy for me to walk around and pick them out. I would encourage others to make a similar list. I'll try to offer a brief explanation of why the show sucked. I'll also avoid targeting shitty bands, Jimmy Buffett and various country acts - what purpose would this possibly serve.
These are listed in no particular order.
10. Deep Purple & The Scorpions, June 15, 2002, Post Gazette Pavilion
I wouldn't classify this show as poor, but rather oddly pathetic. What desperate promoter conjured up this pairing? This was when The Scorpions came out with those horrible songs - Winds of Change and Gorky Park. When I saw these large, toothless morons swaying to that Winds of Change song, I bolted for the car and procured a much needed beverage. You think of great bands that have become absolute jokes - Aerosmith, Van Halen/Hagar, and The Scorpions are right up there.
9. Allman Brothers - Post Gazette (I think it was the 2003 show).
I love the Allman Brothers. Seen them about 10 times. There was one show that was really uninspiring. I'm sure their fans who go see them in Burgettstown every year know which year I'm talking about.
8. The Artist Formerly Known As Prince - 1997, Mellon Arena
I saw his Musicology Tour in 2004 at Mellon and it was one of the best concerts I've ever seen. This show was blatantly lame. First off, the venue was half full. He was at the peak of his Jehovah's Witness phase and properly referred to as The Artist. He wouldn't play any of his racy material and he refused to curse on stage, so he had the audience yell out words like "damn" or "hell." What the fuck? What was this? Although he's a weirdo, Prince is fantastic. But this tour he was straight weirdo.
7. Rusted Root - Wheeling Civic Center (I think it was 1996 or 97)
Rusted Root (I like to call them Rusted Soot) came to town riding the wave of that crappy "Simmy's on the Way" song. There's something embarrassing about going to see a concert in Wheeling. After the show, I feel like my mom's supposed to discreetly pick me up and tell me it's time for bed. This was the show where a Wheeling Jesuit girl bit the dust in the restroom and had to got to the emergency room so they could wire her jaw shut. I remember partying on the Island that night at Smitty's house. Long night for everyone.
6. Santana - Post Gazette Pavilion, 2003
This was the year Santana teamed up with all those crappy Top 40 bands - Goo Goo Dolls, the Matchbox 20 fag, Third Eye Blind. He released this horrible collaborative cd with all these endlessly regurgitated pop songs. Rest assured, he played them all to a crowd of rabid 40 year old women who had no idea his first name was Carlos.
5. Beat Bash - Post Gazette Pavillion, August 25, 2001
I'm still not sure what this was, why I was there or who I was with. I ight have zipped up just to scalp. Lots of Eminem, fake wanna-be thugs all over the parking lot. Not sure who played but I vaguely remember something called Kool-Aid and JoJo. This concert may have been a contributing factor to 9/11.
4. Grateful Dead - 3-18-91, Cap Center - Landover, Maryland
Everyone loves a Dead show, right??? Well this one totally sucked. Jerry kept forgetting lyrics and the band just sounded horrible. Setlist was boring and uninspired too. Couldn't even compensate through partying at the campground (Greenbelt) because we were continually harassed by militant park rangers. They even took our beer.
3. Anthrax, Exodus & Helloween - Hara Arena, Dayton, Ohio 4-24-89
Of all the top tier trash bands, Anthrax was always out of place. The only thing I remember was being embarrased to cheer, clap or applaud. Not a good sign.
2. The Other Ones - Mellon Arena, November 29, 2002
This was one of those early Phil and Friends shows. Plain awful. We had a good time though. For a while, we were behind the stage until security tossed us out. I hate to say this, but from what I've seen, the remaining members of the Grateful Dead and their affiliate members have become a colossal joke. You gotta know when to hang it up. Here's an idea - don't tour during the winter. So at the very least, we can enjoy the tailgating weather.
1. David Bowie & Nine Inch Nails - Starlake Ampitheatre, September 23, 1995
This was the year they collaborated. I think it was called "Tin Can Project" or something to that effect. We were so psyched. Instead, they played only the new material. You could see the disappointment in the entire crowd. After the show, everyone bitched on the way to their vehicles. You don't see that very often.
Honorable Mention - What else could it be but the Grateful Dead Blizzard Show. 3-20-94, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, Ohio
They canceled the show the night before and everyone partied their asses off at any hotel, rest stop, Taco Bell, wherever... Fuck it! State of Emergency and, ohhh yeah, the Dead comes to town. We were totally psyched. It might have been one hell of a party, but let's be honest. That show sucked.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
using facebook as a weapon
Here's a hypothetical situation. My name is Marlene and I live in the small rural town of Bethesda, Ohio. The population of our community is about 600. Being part of small town America, everyone pretty much knows everybody. About 2/3 of the townspeople have internet access and the majority are connected via facebook. We all monitor each others status and frequently discuss local politics and future events. In many ways, interest in facebook and its related groups (Bethesda bowlers, gardening club, etc.) has surpassed the popularity of the local newspaper. The instantaneous nature and accessibility to information via facebook just seems like a better way to keep in touch.
Recently, my best friend Annie Thompson was the victim of a physical assualt. Her alcoholic husband Jim came home violent and drunk. He punched her several times leaving her with 2 bruises and a broken nose. Annie fled the house and came to my home in tears. She told me the whole story and I decided to exact my own form of revenge upon her asshole husband Jim. I got on the computer, went to my facebook page and posted the following as my status update...
"Jim Thompson beat his wife, gave her a sexually transmitted disease and has engaged in acts of bestiality." Actually, you could write just about anything with the insinuation of child pornography or molestation and BOOM, it's all over. Maybe a drugged date rape accusation or so and so is a heroin junkie. The possibilities are endless - you get the drift.
Rest assured, all this is merely hypothetical but I assure you this is a highly plausible scenario. This is a vicious attack with little or no recourse. After all, it could be a reference to some other Jim Thompson. I could argue that someone else knew my password and posted it. You could go the freedom of speech route.
My point - I think you'll see a rise in frivolous litigation concerning these matters. What if I decided to start an internet facebook club entitled, "Here is a list of the names and addresses of sexual predators in Bethesda, Ohio." Hell, I got my information form a govt. website and was just trying to fulfill my civic duty.
Something very similar happened in Wheeling in the pre-internet days (early 1990's). Does anyone remember when a vindictive individual spray painted a message about how another person "raped her son" on a vacant building wall next to a local church. I'm sure that made for some interesting conversation amongst the churchies at Sunday brunch.
Here's the point of all this. There's going to have to eventually be some global acceptance that when it comes to libelous/slanderous (via webcams) online activity, the perpetrators will increasingly not be held liable. You'll be able to say anything or post anything with absolute impunity. In a world that increasingly relies on the world wide web as a reliable source for information and the non-stop level of accompanying litigation, it seems as though these two forces will soon collide. For the most part, they already have. I suspect we'll see a tipping point in the near future. When the interent surfaced 10 years ago, it was hailed as the World Wide Web. WWW is an acronym for the wild wild west???? Wild, wild west - that's the global understatement of the millenium.
Recently, my best friend Annie Thompson was the victim of a physical assualt. Her alcoholic husband Jim came home violent and drunk. He punched her several times leaving her with 2 bruises and a broken nose. Annie fled the house and came to my home in tears. She told me the whole story and I decided to exact my own form of revenge upon her asshole husband Jim. I got on the computer, went to my facebook page and posted the following as my status update...
"Jim Thompson beat his wife, gave her a sexually transmitted disease and has engaged in acts of bestiality." Actually, you could write just about anything with the insinuation of child pornography or molestation and BOOM, it's all over. Maybe a drugged date rape accusation or so and so is a heroin junkie. The possibilities are endless - you get the drift.
Rest assured, all this is merely hypothetical but I assure you this is a highly plausible scenario. This is a vicious attack with little or no recourse. After all, it could be a reference to some other Jim Thompson. I could argue that someone else knew my password and posted it. You could go the freedom of speech route.
My point - I think you'll see a rise in frivolous litigation concerning these matters. What if I decided to start an internet facebook club entitled, "Here is a list of the names and addresses of sexual predators in Bethesda, Ohio." Hell, I got my information form a govt. website and was just trying to fulfill my civic duty.
Something very similar happened in Wheeling in the pre-internet days (early 1990's). Does anyone remember when a vindictive individual spray painted a message about how another person "raped her son" on a vacant building wall next to a local church. I'm sure that made for some interesting conversation amongst the churchies at Sunday brunch.
Here's the point of all this. There's going to have to eventually be some global acceptance that when it comes to libelous/slanderous (via webcams) online activity, the perpetrators will increasingly not be held liable. You'll be able to say anything or post anything with absolute impunity. In a world that increasingly relies on the world wide web as a reliable source for information and the non-stop level of accompanying litigation, it seems as though these two forces will soon collide. For the most part, they already have. I suspect we'll see a tipping point in the near future. When the interent surfaced 10 years ago, it was hailed as the World Wide Web. WWW is an acronym for the wild wild west???? Wild, wild west - that's the global understatement of the millenium.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
OCTUPLET WOMAN
Top 14 Observations about Octuplet Woman aka Nadya Suleman. Top 6 have special Wheeling overtones.
14. Former Charles in Charge TV star will babysit. Not Chachi Arcola, his bff Willie Ames. Prior experience on Eight is Enough gives him sufficient credibility.
13. That pic of her 9 months pregnant is bigger than Obama's stimulus package.
12. Someday, have all the kids simultaneously run for Congress. People would say, "Oh yeah... that's Octuplet womans' kids. She's got my vote. Gotta support the team."
11. Probably would be ridiculed in China.
10. Food stamps could run out. Might want to consider "high-end protein gruel" from Simpson's Camp Krusty episode.
9. Father should do a week long Maury Povich paternity test for all 14 kids. One by one by one by one by blah by yo by yo by bye
8. Special NANNY 911! episodes featuring Rush Limbaugh, Hannity, and other top-secret nannies. Ann Coulter heads up sweeps week.
7. Make Bristol Palin breast feed all the babies as punishment for her mother losing the presidential race. I know... this one is weak.
and now... onto Nadya Wheeling The Suleman Feeling ...
6. Get Joe the Plumber to be their fucking plumber and have them all relocate to Flushing, Ohio. This one is NOT weak.
5. She could hang at the Elm Grove DiCarlos. "Uhhh, that's for 6 trays with 17 bags of cheese?"
4. The father (who's tactically absent) should avoid handing out illegal Cuban cigars. Maybe consider the less expensive Wheeling Marsh Stogies?
3. Stick with me here... You go the absolute polygamy route. All the female children marry one man. All the male children are married to one woman. They'll come together for ONE SPECIAL NIGHT in Wheeling! An ALL-NEW... WHEELING WIFE SWAP (after hours in Benwood)!
2. Incorporate entire family into Oglebay Festival of Lights display. Parenting is NOT seasonal, damn-it!
1. Strength in numbers! Her family could provide "recession relief" to sagging attendance figures at Wesbanco Arena.
14. Former Charles in Charge TV star will babysit. Not Chachi Arcola, his bff Willie Ames. Prior experience on Eight is Enough gives him sufficient credibility.
13. That pic of her 9 months pregnant is bigger than Obama's stimulus package.
12. Someday, have all the kids simultaneously run for Congress. People would say, "Oh yeah... that's Octuplet womans' kids. She's got my vote. Gotta support the team."
11. Probably would be ridiculed in China.
10. Food stamps could run out. Might want to consider "high-end protein gruel" from Simpson's Camp Krusty episode.
9. Father should do a week long Maury Povich paternity test for all 14 kids. One by one by one by one by blah by yo by yo by bye
8. Special NANNY 911! episodes featuring Rush Limbaugh, Hannity, and other top-secret nannies. Ann Coulter heads up sweeps week.
7. Make Bristol Palin breast feed all the babies as punishment for her mother losing the presidential race. I know... this one is weak.
and now... onto Nadya Wheeling The Suleman Feeling ...
6. Get Joe the Plumber to be their fucking plumber and have them all relocate to Flushing, Ohio. This one is NOT weak.
5. She could hang at the Elm Grove DiCarlos. "Uhhh, that's for 6 trays with 17 bags of cheese?"
4. The father (who's tactically absent) should avoid handing out illegal Cuban cigars. Maybe consider the less expensive Wheeling Marsh Stogies?
3. Stick with me here... You go the absolute polygamy route. All the female children marry one man. All the male children are married to one woman. They'll come together for ONE SPECIAL NIGHT in Wheeling! An ALL-NEW... WHEELING WIFE SWAP (after hours in Benwood)!
2. Incorporate entire family into Oglebay Festival of Lights display. Parenting is NOT seasonal, damn-it!
1. Strength in numbers! Her family could provide "recession relief" to sagging attendance figures at Wesbanco Arena.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
t-shirt idea
If the Steelers don't beat the Cardinals in the Superbowl, I'll be sickened as will many of us. Granted, it would have been far worse losing to the Ravens in the AFC Championship but that's an argument for a different place. Anyway, assuming we're victorious (I think we'll win 34-17), I have devised a fantastic idea for a rogue t-shirt. I'm throwing it out there, in the hope that someone will take the initiative. Perhaps, I should be the one to do it. But truth be told, I think my t-shirt swinging days are over. Perhaps a few more Top 10's. Anyway here is the idea....
ON THE FRONT
Basically, in the upper left front pocket area it reads...
STEELERS
Finally, a ring for the COCK
ON THE BACK
There's a full picture of a white rooster/bird/cock thing, with some black & gold feathering. You could use the circular 3-star STEELERS logo as the eye. Also, you might consider dressing him up in one of those bird/hen Steelers outfits that you see on those mother hen statues outside every modular home in Trailerdelphia
I'm assuming that a cock is a rooster, right? Hens and miscellaneous bird-chickens aren't my specialty. Even if you think the idea is obnoxious, you've got to appreciate the play on the word "cockring" and the fact that we already have a ring for the thumb. Isn't a cock the most plausible and realistic placement for the new ring? On the front, you might just go with "STEELERS WIN A COCKRING." I also like the idea of using BIG BEN in a light-hearted penile reference as well.
Anyway, I'm just throwing the basic premise out there. I'd love to see some guy swinging these shirts at the victory parade next week. I'm sure these renegade salesmen would appreciate me telling them, "Hey, this was my idea." You'd make a killing and they wouldn't grow stale or outdated for at least an entire year. Plenty of time to sell all summer.
Incidentally, I wouldn't mind going up to the parade. I missed the 2005/06 one. If anybody wants to go, let me know. If we lose, I'll just watch the Scottsdale trophy wife parade on the Rosie O'Donnell Network while simultaneously chewing on tin foil and self-sodomizing myself with a low-end mop. Either way, don't sweat it.
Just one last comment. As a veteran t-shirt retailer, I'm often disgusted buy the total lack of creativity in the rogue t-shirt market. And yes, I fully understand the target market (women ages 18-25, men ages 18-40, or basically anyone with a $10 bill). And I know it's a lot easier to just sell a mass market, generic design. But c'mon, we've got an Obama administration now. Maybe it's time for people to show some ingenuity and think outside the box. Fuck George W. Bush.
ON THE FRONT
Basically, in the upper left front pocket area it reads...
STEELERS
Finally, a ring for the COCK
ON THE BACK
There's a full picture of a white rooster/bird/cock thing, with some black & gold feathering. You could use the circular 3-star STEELERS logo as the eye. Also, you might consider dressing him up in one of those bird/hen Steelers outfits that you see on those mother hen statues outside every modular home in Trailerdelphia
I'm assuming that a cock is a rooster, right? Hens and miscellaneous bird-chickens aren't my specialty. Even if you think the idea is obnoxious, you've got to appreciate the play on the word "cockring" and the fact that we already have a ring for the thumb. Isn't a cock the most plausible and realistic placement for the new ring? On the front, you might just go with "STEELERS WIN A COCKRING." I also like the idea of using BIG BEN in a light-hearted penile reference as well.
Anyway, I'm just throwing the basic premise out there. I'd love to see some guy swinging these shirts at the victory parade next week. I'm sure these renegade salesmen would appreciate me telling them, "Hey, this was my idea." You'd make a killing and they wouldn't grow stale or outdated for at least an entire year. Plenty of time to sell all summer.
Incidentally, I wouldn't mind going up to the parade. I missed the 2005/06 one. If anybody wants to go, let me know. If we lose, I'll just watch the Scottsdale trophy wife parade on the Rosie O'Donnell Network while simultaneously chewing on tin foil and self-sodomizing myself with a low-end mop. Either way, don't sweat it.
Just one last comment. As a veteran t-shirt retailer, I'm often disgusted buy the total lack of creativity in the rogue t-shirt market. And yes, I fully understand the target market (women ages 18-25, men ages 18-40, or basically anyone with a $10 bill). And I know it's a lot easier to just sell a mass market, generic design. But c'mon, we've got an Obama administration now. Maybe it's time for people to show some ingenuity and think outside the box. Fuck George W. Bush.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
smoking
In the summer of 2007, Ohio County health official Dr. Mercer banned cigarette smoking in all bars and restaurants with an important exemption for rooms with video lottery machines. This was quite the firestorm at the time. Many bar owners were hauled into court and fined for various violations. It has been over 2 years so I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on the smoking ban.
Let me first say that I smoked cigarettes (Marlboro Lights) for almost 10 years of my life - basically 1990-2000. I'd usually smoke somewhere between 10-20 cigarettes per day. During that span, I quit on a few occasions - once for 3 months the other time for 7 months. Eventually I had enough of the nonsense so I quit cold turkey. No gum, no patches, no fucking yoga meditation, nothing. If you want to quit, just do it. I agree that the shit's addictive, but c'mon, do you really need a patch affixed to your left buttock or that disgusting nicotine laden gum? I also bet someone $100 that I wouldn't smoke a cigarette for 3 years. This helped a great deal because the thought of handing said person a hundred bucks was unacceptable. I'd sooner make a $100 donation to the Rush Limbaugh congressional fund.
The last time I smoked a cigarette was the day the Ravens beat the NY Giants in the Superbowl. Incidentally, if you wish to quit smoking, I think the best day to quit is the day after the Superbowl. Here's why - there's nothing going on for the next two months. After football season ends, there's very little to do. Without the heightened enjoyment of outdoor activities, it helps squelch the allure of cigarettes. And trust me, in Wheeling, absolutely nothing happens during February and half of March. By that time, 6 weeks have passed and the urge to smoke cancer sticks has faded.
Why did I quit? I think I felt guilty lying to my mother (she was under the impression I quit in the late 1990's). In fact, I had quit at the time but then started back up. The other reason was that it finally became apparent that cigarettes are disgusting (some more than others - for example, any Camel products are substantially more gross). Also, I've really come to view it as a white trash issue and didn't want to fall into that category. For me it was never really a health issue because I was still jogging around 3 miles a day. Aside from the addiction issue, I just plain enjoyed it. Seriously though, there's something truly disgusting about people that chain smoke, one after the other after the other. The worst is when a person huffs down a cigarette as quickly as possible due to the cold weather and then breathes near you. I think people should just walk away when chain-smoked-out-fucks invade your space. Maybe there could be some kind of universal signal. Perhaps you could pretend to take a puff off a fake cigarette and then walk away. I sometimes do this when I see some dumbshit smoking a cigarette in their vehicle and they just cut me off. I also knew this girl who would smoke while she ate dinner. In between each course, she'd light up. It was unusually obnoxious and disgusting. A decade later she wanted to be friends on facebook/myspace. My only ever personal friend denial, but it was largely for other reasons. I find her contemptuous.
I'm sorry if you're currently a smoker and find this post offensive. Honestly, some of my best friends smoke. I don't think they're white trash (perhaps a few). I'm speaking strictly of the habit itself. I'm sure my scotch/beer breath is proportionately disgusting as well. It just leaves a flagrantly bad impression when some moron burns me with a lit cigarette or breathes in my face.
I thought I'd offer a little background info so you can better gauge this post. Back to the smoking ban. The smoking ban, a decree from the HEALTH Department, has to be one of the most flawed, hypocritical and ironic legislative efforts I've ever seen. First and foremost, it is NOT a ban. Far from it. It merely redirects where smoking is deemed acceptable. Obviously, the Wheeling Island Casino could not defy the elderly chain smokers from which they derive a significant percentage of their yearly revenue. These IGT machines are half video/half idiot; hence, I'll refer to them as "vidiot" machines. I've never understood the fixation with these devices. What on earth compels people to endlessly funnel their social security checks into these things? Sure, I realize it's a high, but why can't people get a high from more conventional sources (drugs, alcohol, exercise, betting on football... anything but the vidiot machines)?
As I'm sure you know, every bar would soon be awarded a smoking exemption if they had a vidiot lottery room. I guess the health dept. has deemed cigarette smoking less harmful and not as offensive if confined to a side room that encourages mindless gambling. The irony - if you ever go inside one of these rooms, you're bombarded with smoke so thick you can barely see. Your eyes dry up and every part of your body stinks. Your clothing, hair and genitalia wreak of stale smoke. If smoking wasn't bad enough already... Hey, here's an idea, let us confine all those who embrace emphysema and crowd them in a closet-sized room while the endless din of the vidiot machines clamors away.
I'd say about 75% of the local bars enforce the smoking ban. 25% could care less. It usually depends on the scope of the menu and the mindset of the owner. If the owner smokes cigarettes, it's a smoking bar. But, if the bar does a substantial amount of business via their menu, they'll enforce the ban. If it's a dive bar, where the menu consists chips and peanuts, forget about it. And Wheeling has a sufficient number of dive bars. Hell, our city is well known for two major distinctions - The greatest number of churches per capita and the greatest number of neighborhood bars per capita. We also have impressive rates of morbid obesity, adult illiteracy, rampant incest and a significant soot problem.
In a sick kind of way, maybe the smoking "ban" is a good thing. Why not put all the smokers and vidiot junkies in the same room? It's almost like an optional system of modern day Wheeling apartheid. With increased familiarity, perhaps this subset of the population will embrace each other, procreate and pass on some kind of genetic code which seals their collective destiny. Regardless of the wheezing, coughing and gasping for air, they'll continue to press the vidiot buttons unabated and with ever increasing vigilance. I think it was King Longshanks in Braveheart that said, "See, you must find the goods in any situation."
Let me first say that I smoked cigarettes (Marlboro Lights) for almost 10 years of my life - basically 1990-2000. I'd usually smoke somewhere between 10-20 cigarettes per day. During that span, I quit on a few occasions - once for 3 months the other time for 7 months. Eventually I had enough of the nonsense so I quit cold turkey. No gum, no patches, no fucking yoga meditation, nothing. If you want to quit, just do it. I agree that the shit's addictive, but c'mon, do you really need a patch affixed to your left buttock or that disgusting nicotine laden gum? I also bet someone $100 that I wouldn't smoke a cigarette for 3 years. This helped a great deal because the thought of handing said person a hundred bucks was unacceptable. I'd sooner make a $100 donation to the Rush Limbaugh congressional fund.
The last time I smoked a cigarette was the day the Ravens beat the NY Giants in the Superbowl. Incidentally, if you wish to quit smoking, I think the best day to quit is the day after the Superbowl. Here's why - there's nothing going on for the next two months. After football season ends, there's very little to do. Without the heightened enjoyment of outdoor activities, it helps squelch the allure of cigarettes. And trust me, in Wheeling, absolutely nothing happens during February and half of March. By that time, 6 weeks have passed and the urge to smoke cancer sticks has faded.
Why did I quit? I think I felt guilty lying to my mother (she was under the impression I quit in the late 1990's). In fact, I had quit at the time but then started back up. The other reason was that it finally became apparent that cigarettes are disgusting (some more than others - for example, any Camel products are substantially more gross). Also, I've really come to view it as a white trash issue and didn't want to fall into that category. For me it was never really a health issue because I was still jogging around 3 miles a day. Aside from the addiction issue, I just plain enjoyed it. Seriously though, there's something truly disgusting about people that chain smoke, one after the other after the other. The worst is when a person huffs down a cigarette as quickly as possible due to the cold weather and then breathes near you. I think people should just walk away when chain-smoked-out-fucks invade your space. Maybe there could be some kind of universal signal. Perhaps you could pretend to take a puff off a fake cigarette and then walk away. I sometimes do this when I see some dumbshit smoking a cigarette in their vehicle and they just cut me off. I also knew this girl who would smoke while she ate dinner. In between each course, she'd light up. It was unusually obnoxious and disgusting. A decade later she wanted to be friends on facebook/myspace. My only ever personal friend denial, but it was largely for other reasons. I find her contemptuous.
I'm sorry if you're currently a smoker and find this post offensive. Honestly, some of my best friends smoke. I don't think they're white trash (perhaps a few). I'm speaking strictly of the habit itself. I'm sure my scotch/beer breath is proportionately disgusting as well. It just leaves a flagrantly bad impression when some moron burns me with a lit cigarette or breathes in my face.
I thought I'd offer a little background info so you can better gauge this post. Back to the smoking ban. The smoking ban, a decree from the HEALTH Department, has to be one of the most flawed, hypocritical and ironic legislative efforts I've ever seen. First and foremost, it is NOT a ban. Far from it. It merely redirects where smoking is deemed acceptable. Obviously, the Wheeling Island Casino could not defy the elderly chain smokers from which they derive a significant percentage of their yearly revenue. These IGT machines are half video/half idiot; hence, I'll refer to them as "vidiot" machines. I've never understood the fixation with these devices. What on earth compels people to endlessly funnel their social security checks into these things? Sure, I realize it's a high, but why can't people get a high from more conventional sources (drugs, alcohol, exercise, betting on football... anything but the vidiot machines)?
As I'm sure you know, every bar would soon be awarded a smoking exemption if they had a vidiot lottery room. I guess the health dept. has deemed cigarette smoking less harmful and not as offensive if confined to a side room that encourages mindless gambling. The irony - if you ever go inside one of these rooms, you're bombarded with smoke so thick you can barely see. Your eyes dry up and every part of your body stinks. Your clothing, hair and genitalia wreak of stale smoke. If smoking wasn't bad enough already... Hey, here's an idea, let us confine all those who embrace emphysema and crowd them in a closet-sized room while the endless din of the vidiot machines clamors away.
I'd say about 75% of the local bars enforce the smoking ban. 25% could care less. It usually depends on the scope of the menu and the mindset of the owner. If the owner smokes cigarettes, it's a smoking bar. But, if the bar does a substantial amount of business via their menu, they'll enforce the ban. If it's a dive bar, where the menu consists chips and peanuts, forget about it. And Wheeling has a sufficient number of dive bars. Hell, our city is well known for two major distinctions - The greatest number of churches per capita and the greatest number of neighborhood bars per capita. We also have impressive rates of morbid obesity, adult illiteracy, rampant incest and a significant soot problem.
In a sick kind of way, maybe the smoking "ban" is a good thing. Why not put all the smokers and vidiot junkies in the same room? It's almost like an optional system of modern day Wheeling apartheid. With increased familiarity, perhaps this subset of the population will embrace each other, procreate and pass on some kind of genetic code which seals their collective destiny. Regardless of the wheezing, coughing and gasping for air, they'll continue to press the vidiot buttons unabated and with ever increasing vigilance. I think it was King Longshanks in Braveheart that said, "See, you must find the goods in any situation."
Monday, January 19, 2009
Met Grill... it never ends
I occasionally write about my odd experiences at the Metropolitan Grill in downtown Wheeling restaurant. The food is usually fantastic. The atmosphere is pleasant although the place sometimes smells like a sewer (my friend Barb calls it sewery). The service covers the entire spectrum from exceptional to downright bizarre. By bizarre, I mean stuff like the waiter might ask you to buy him scratch off lottery tickets in lieu of a gratuity. The waitress might grab your napkin and blow her nose. The owner might be slamming tequila shots and suddenly run for the door to go puke outside. Yeah... stuff like that.
Well, today I celebrated the Steelers victory with two of my favorite lunchables, Heather and Sarah. I got this crabcake salad which was out of this world. Heather got some watery lobster bisque and a steak sandwich which she said was poor. Sarah got a sandwich and side salad and remained relatively guarded about the quality.
Our waitress didn't smile but was cordial and efficient.
So why am I writing about this? Nothing out of the ordinary here. Well, something did strike me as peculiar. Every day they have a half-sheet of paper which lists the specials. Each special has a brief description. I WISH I HAD A SCANNER so you could see the number of misspellings as well as the inconsistent and improper use of punctuation. It's so bad that I have decided to recreate it in its EXACT entirety. So, without further adieu...
METROPOLITAN CITI GRILL LUNCH FEATURES
01/19/08
DINE IN OR TAKE OUT 232-0762
HOT SANDWICH
BAKED BALSAMIC GRILLED STEAK - SAUTEED SPINACH, CARMELIZED SWEET ONION,AND
MOZZERELLA ON ITALIAN ROLL W/ SALAD OR FRIES
$7.95
SALAD
ALMOND CRUSTED SALMON - ORANGE MAMALADE GLAZE,RED ONION,RED
PEPPERS,ORANGES AND POMMEGRANATE VINAIGRETTE
$8.95
PLATE
PAN SEARED DIVER SEA SCALLOPS - SAUTEED WITH SPINACH,CALAMATA
OLIVES,ARTICHOKES,AND A LIGHT PESTO CREAM SAUCE,OVER LINGUINI $9.50
HOT SOUPS
LOBSTER BISQUE/FRENCH ONION/
GARDEN CHICKEN NOODLE
SWEETOOTH
VANILLA BEAN CHEESE CAKE/TIRIMISU/CHOCOLATE LAVA TORTE
CHOCOLATE ALMOND GANOSH TORTE/
KENTUCKEY PECAN BOURBAN TORTE/VANILLA ICE CREAM
Oh, where to begin. Let me first say that I didn't take honorable mention at the third grade grammar rodeo, but what the fuck is going on? The use of commas is completely mesmerizing. Sometimes there's a space, sometimes there isn't. My favorite is the use of the comma which precedes "OVER LINGUINI" as if to use this cataclysmic pause to enhance the level of excitement. I just find the total lack of "punctuation consistency" slightly amusing.
Onto the spelling issues. In an abbreviated menu, they somehow managed to misspell 7 words. Can you find them? Scroll all the way down if you want to cut to the chase. These are not simple typos. This guy must have been using his TRS-80 or some kind of Commodore Vic 20 knock off because there is no evidence of spell check.
The fact that he capitalized everything is a bit weak, but maybe he just likes the caps lock button on his computer. I'm a bit shocked the phone number wasn't listed as @#@-)&^@. That's 232-0762 in caps lock language.
If you wish to read about my other strange Met Grill experiences just do a search on my blog for Metropolitan Grill, Met Grill and/or words like bewildered and confusing. I'm sure the previous posts will surface.
As I said, feel free to scroll to the bottom...
MAMALADE - Marmalade (alright, omitting the "r" was probably an accident)
POMMEGRANATE - pomegranate (I'll give him a pass on this one)
SWEETOOTH - Sweettooth (unless he was trying to be intentionally cutesy)
TIRIMISU - tiramisu (how can a pastry chef not know how to spell this?)
GANOSH - ganache (kind of like soup... spelled "supe")
KENTUCKEY - Kentucky (I wonder if this dumbass has ever been to Road Island)
BOURBAN - bourbon (he should drink less of it)
I often use a little "grammarical license" - kind of like my own version of poetic license, but this was so atrocious I felt it warranted a blog. But like I said, the food is usually bad ass. Easily the best salads in a 45 mile radius of Wheeling.
Well, today I celebrated the Steelers victory with two of my favorite lunchables, Heather and Sarah. I got this crabcake salad which was out of this world. Heather got some watery lobster bisque and a steak sandwich which she said was poor. Sarah got a sandwich and side salad and remained relatively guarded about the quality.
Our waitress didn't smile but was cordial and efficient.
So why am I writing about this? Nothing out of the ordinary here. Well, something did strike me as peculiar. Every day they have a half-sheet of paper which lists the specials. Each special has a brief description. I WISH I HAD A SCANNER so you could see the number of misspellings as well as the inconsistent and improper use of punctuation. It's so bad that I have decided to recreate it in its EXACT entirety. So, without further adieu...
METROPOLITAN CITI GRILL LUNCH FEATURES
01/19/08
DINE IN OR TAKE OUT 232-0762
HOT SANDWICH
BAKED BALSAMIC GRILLED STEAK - SAUTEED SPINACH, CARMELIZED SWEET ONION,AND
MOZZERELLA ON ITALIAN ROLL W/ SALAD OR FRIES
$7.95
SALAD
ALMOND CRUSTED SALMON - ORANGE MAMALADE GLAZE,RED ONION,RED
PEPPERS,ORANGES AND POMMEGRANATE VINAIGRETTE
$8.95
PLATE
PAN SEARED DIVER SEA SCALLOPS - SAUTEED WITH SPINACH,CALAMATA
OLIVES,ARTICHOKES,AND A LIGHT PESTO CREAM SAUCE,OVER LINGUINI $9.50
HOT SOUPS
LOBSTER BISQUE/FRENCH ONION/
GARDEN CHICKEN NOODLE
SWEETOOTH
VANILLA BEAN CHEESE CAKE/TIRIMISU/CHOCOLATE LAVA TORTE
CHOCOLATE ALMOND GANOSH TORTE/
KENTUCKEY PECAN BOURBAN TORTE/VANILLA ICE CREAM
Oh, where to begin. Let me first say that I didn't take honorable mention at the third grade grammar rodeo, but what the fuck is going on? The use of commas is completely mesmerizing. Sometimes there's a space, sometimes there isn't. My favorite is the use of the comma which precedes "OVER LINGUINI" as if to use this cataclysmic pause to enhance the level of excitement. I just find the total lack of "punctuation consistency" slightly amusing.
Onto the spelling issues. In an abbreviated menu, they somehow managed to misspell 7 words. Can you find them? Scroll all the way down if you want to cut to the chase. These are not simple typos. This guy must have been using his TRS-80 or some kind of Commodore Vic 20 knock off because there is no evidence of spell check.
The fact that he capitalized everything is a bit weak, but maybe he just likes the caps lock button on his computer. I'm a bit shocked the phone number wasn't listed as @#@-)&^@. That's 232-0762 in caps lock language.
If you wish to read about my other strange Met Grill experiences just do a search on my blog for Metropolitan Grill, Met Grill and/or words like bewildered and confusing. I'm sure the previous posts will surface.
As I said, feel free to scroll to the bottom...
MAMALADE - Marmalade (alright, omitting the "r" was probably an accident)
POMMEGRANATE - pomegranate (I'll give him a pass on this one)
SWEETOOTH - Sweettooth (unless he was trying to be intentionally cutesy)
TIRIMISU - tiramisu (how can a pastry chef not know how to spell this?)
GANOSH - ganache (kind of like soup... spelled "supe")
KENTUCKEY - Kentucky (I wonder if this dumbass has ever been to Road Island)
BOURBAN - bourbon (he should drink less of it)
I often use a little "grammarical license" - kind of like my own version of poetic license, but this was so atrocious I felt it warranted a blog. But like I said, the food is usually bad ass. Easily the best salads in a 45 mile radius of Wheeling.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
names
Long ago, my mother admitted that she wanted to name me "Raphael." Fortunately, my father intervened and insisted on the more conventional "Eric." I can hardly fathom what it would have been like growing up as Ralph Saferstein. Or even worse, what about Rafe? What the fuck is that?
Not as though it's breaking news, but personal names have risen to a level of maximum absurdity over the past decade. I call it the "American Idol Phenomenon." Everybody thinks their child has the potential to be a celebrity these days. Perhaps if I name my daughter "Cinammon," someone will take heed. Wait a minute, that spelling is so mundane. How about we spell her name "Sinumen?" This way, she'll get even more attention. But what if they pronounce it wrong? Perhaps a trip to the medicine cabinet is in order and we'll just call her Mucinex?
The reason I call it the American Idol Phenomonen is that in a country of 300 million plus, it seems like every newborn has to be special. It's not enough that they're born healthy and exist. They must be prepared to enter some kind of talent or pageantry contest the immediate moment they exit the womb. We need to pierce Punta Kanta's ears and belly button. She'll be a superstar in no time and it will elevate our family to fame and fortune, or at least some marginal level of acceptance amongst the beanie baby collectors.
This morning, the health and human services people in New Jersey "repossessed" 2 children named Adolph Hitler and Jocelyn Aryan Nation. Not sure what their last name is. Not sure why they had to take custody of the children either - I don't think you can make that information immediately public. These were the same parents who wanted to get the name Adolf Hitler placed on the kid's birthday cake and the grocery store refused thus setting off a firestorm of controversy last month. I find it comical that parents across the nation will think this is hideous. Meanwhile, they yell at their son, "Jagermeister, finish your lima beans! "Somalia, don't tease your brother!"
The American Idol Phenomenon is very similar to the Maury Povich Paternity Testing Phenomenon. Both are heavily rooted in this "my child is so special, he/she could grow up to be the next President of the United States" concept. Despite the fact that mom is a corpulent stripper and daddy sells dime bags of oregano from the Burger King drive-thru. "Maury, look at my daughter! She's so special. That's my world. That's my life. She need to know who her daddy is. Salmonella need a daddy." I agree. Salmonella certainly does need a father figure. Even though her mother is testing the 8th man after the previous 7 were determined NOT to be the father. You see, it's my contention that just perhaps, just maybe - Salmonella will not become this famous celebrity. Salmonella will never be in a position to advance the existence of her parents. Maybe, just maybe, her parents are setting her up for a life of scorn and ridicule. Maybe Salmonella (her friends call her Sally; oops, wait a minute, spelled Sallee (porn-style spelling)), won't become the future Ambassador to Guam. Then again, it's possible that her neighbor will join the fad and name her son "Trichinosis" or "Trick" for short.
In retrospect, I fully realize that names like Jennifer, Sam, John, etc. are not hip enough in this day and age of instant fame and glitzing bling. And sure, I know - every child is a special gift from god and a wondrous bundle of shitting/urinating joy.
Ok, NOW I GET IT. One day it will be me on the grand stage. And in the case of precious baby Urethra... Eric, you are the father!" And even though I charge backstage demanding another paternity test, I really should have known all along - she had her father's cynical disposition. URETHRA, YOU IS MY EVERYTHING!"
Not as though it's breaking news, but personal names have risen to a level of maximum absurdity over the past decade. I call it the "American Idol Phenomenon." Everybody thinks their child has the potential to be a celebrity these days. Perhaps if I name my daughter "Cinammon," someone will take heed. Wait a minute, that spelling is so mundane. How about we spell her name "Sinumen?" This way, she'll get even more attention. But what if they pronounce it wrong? Perhaps a trip to the medicine cabinet is in order and we'll just call her Mucinex?
The reason I call it the American Idol Phenomonen is that in a country of 300 million plus, it seems like every newborn has to be special. It's not enough that they're born healthy and exist. They must be prepared to enter some kind of talent or pageantry contest the immediate moment they exit the womb. We need to pierce Punta Kanta's ears and belly button. She'll be a superstar in no time and it will elevate our family to fame and fortune, or at least some marginal level of acceptance amongst the beanie baby collectors.
This morning, the health and human services people in New Jersey "repossessed" 2 children named Adolph Hitler and Jocelyn Aryan Nation. Not sure what their last name is. Not sure why they had to take custody of the children either - I don't think you can make that information immediately public. These were the same parents who wanted to get the name Adolf Hitler placed on the kid's birthday cake and the grocery store refused thus setting off a firestorm of controversy last month. I find it comical that parents across the nation will think this is hideous. Meanwhile, they yell at their son, "Jagermeister, finish your lima beans! "Somalia, don't tease your brother!"
The American Idol Phenomenon is very similar to the Maury Povich Paternity Testing Phenomenon. Both are heavily rooted in this "my child is so special, he/she could grow up to be the next President of the United States" concept. Despite the fact that mom is a corpulent stripper and daddy sells dime bags of oregano from the Burger King drive-thru. "Maury, look at my daughter! She's so special. That's my world. That's my life. She need to know who her daddy is. Salmonella need a daddy." I agree. Salmonella certainly does need a father figure. Even though her mother is testing the 8th man after the previous 7 were determined NOT to be the father. You see, it's my contention that just perhaps, just maybe - Salmonella will not become this famous celebrity. Salmonella will never be in a position to advance the existence of her parents. Maybe, just maybe, her parents are setting her up for a life of scorn and ridicule. Maybe Salmonella (her friends call her Sally; oops, wait a minute, spelled Sallee (porn-style spelling)), won't become the future Ambassador to Guam. Then again, it's possible that her neighbor will join the fad and name her son "Trichinosis" or "Trick" for short.
In retrospect, I fully realize that names like Jennifer, Sam, John, etc. are not hip enough in this day and age of instant fame and glitzing bling. And sure, I know - every child is a special gift from god and a wondrous bundle of shitting/urinating joy.
Ok, NOW I GET IT. One day it will be me on the grand stage. And in the case of precious baby Urethra... Eric, you are the father!" And even though I charge backstage demanding another paternity test, I really should have known all along - she had her father's cynical disposition. URETHRA, YOU IS MY EVERYTHING!"
Thursday, January 08, 2009
AC/DC
Finally, a concert review. Ahhh, where do you start with this one?
Three months ago they announced this show for Mellon Arena and I thought to myself - this could be the last "true" rock concert at the Igloo. I know, Fleetwood Mac is coming in March. And while I intend on going (they're opening their tour in Pittsburgh), it just isn't the same. This is AC/DC - one of the simply rawest major arena rock bands of all time. So yesterday was the big day and let me say it was relatively miserable. Heavy rains, flurries and high winds marred the majority of the day. Earlier, I had hosted a lunchable and we outlined our intentions to meet at the Alpha, 5:30 sharp.
I've seen AC/DC a few times before. One time w/ Cinderella, one time w/ White Lion (that atrocious hair band that sang "Wait, Wait, I Never Had A Chance to Love You") and another time with god knows who. This is of no relevance.
We met Kelly (a man) and his daughter and they would follow us up. Eventually, we'd lose them in the Burgh. So it was me, Heather, Gary K. and Sarah C. I really didn't want to drive this one but Gary didn't bring his Explorer and the thought of Heather driving terrified the living hell out of me. We get on the road and visibility was poor. Gary pleasantly informed me that the forecast was for 3 inches. I just had a bad feeling about this. By the time we hit Claysville, I voiced my concern. I started to think about the title of AC/DC's new cd... isn't it called Black Ice? The roads weren't that bad but I just kept thinking it's gonna get so much worse. Plus, people were driving really slow. Honestly, I was about 50/50 and seriously contemplating turning back. I asked everyone to take a vote and it got awkwardly silent. I knew what they were thinking, "What the fuck Grandpa Saf? Why must you be such a lame ass bitch? We're trying to go to a rock concert, not Sesame Street Live or some Yanni shit. Why have you foresaken us?" So I kept going. By the time we got to Little Washington, everything was substantially better.
I took a slightly non-circuitous path to the arena. Since none of us had tickets, I wanted to park in the lower lot near the main entrance and survey the scene. The lower lot was only accepting reserved parking. Fuck. At the last possible second (and I do mean last possible second), an oafish lot attendant wave me in. Talk about karma. Gary slipped me $20 for parking and I'm pretty sure I kept the change (6 bucks). Gary, if you ever read my blog (which I doubt), I owe you 6 bucks. I was just so excited about getting my usual spot.
Onto the quest for cheap tickets. They had been blabbing on the radio how this show was sold-out. But WDVE always says everything is sold-out. Over the years, I've learned that words like "sold-out", "gold-circle", "box seats", etc. blah don't mean shit. I walked over to Gate A and there was a man (I think it may have been Ohio County Commissioner David Simms) trying to get rid of 4 tickets for $160. Not a bad deal, considering they were Level A with a retail value of about $424. Jesus Christ - AC/DC tix are $106 a pop - that makes me sick. I could see this guy was a bit disillusioned. My goal was to snag 4 singles for $20 a piece, but there wasn't much action out front. 2 other women wanted $100, then $50. I ran into AJ and CHL. They had bought tix earlier for $45 a piece. Then, I saw the cops bitch at the David Simms lookalike and he moved off to the edge of the parking lot. BINGO. I approached him with 4 for a buck twenty and he acquiesced. To be honest, he was offering a great deal in the first place and I think he was just plain discouraged. Who knows how long he'd been standing there.
"Hope you guys brought your ear plugs" was a well-received comment as I got back to the car. We opted to skip the opening band (thank god). I still don't know who they were. Anyway, we hiked about 40 yards to the door and we're in. Not bad. Our seats were bad ass. Section A-11 about 5 rows off the floor. In my opinion, one section closer are the best seats in the arena. Not only were they all together, they were seats 1,2,3,4 on the aisle. Again, not bad. This is more important than usual if you're familiar with the typical AC/DC fan - Unkempt, cheap whiskey chain smoking breath, and generally loud and ugly.
Did I mention how they say everything is always sold-out and there's always a ton of seats. Well HELL to the f'in O, HELLO - this place was totally sold-out. Every seat to the top of the rafters was filled (probably 18,500 if anyone gives a damn).
Brian Johnson can still sing or well screech and Angus Young can still play. These guys have got be about 60. To be honest, my expectations were pretty low. But these guys fucking rocked it out. All the classics and a pretty good flow to the setlist. They closed with one of my all-time favorite rock songs - For Those About to Rock. I snuck a look at the setlist prior to the show. Couldn't help myself. We bolted for the car just as the cannons were firing.
Kelly called me and asked if we were still stuck in traffic. "We've been in this shit for about an hour." I replied, "No, we're at the Dallas Pike rest stop." I silently reflected, "And you paid over a hundred bucks a ticket for level E. Not bad."
As I said earlier, the last true rock concert at Mellon Arena. I can't wait for the new arena next year, but there's a ton of great memories wrapped up in the Igloo. I'll miss it.
Should have worn some ear plugs. My ears were buzzing when I hit the pillow.
AC/DC - you still rock and I will salute.
Three months ago they announced this show for Mellon Arena and I thought to myself - this could be the last "true" rock concert at the Igloo. I know, Fleetwood Mac is coming in March. And while I intend on going (they're opening their tour in Pittsburgh), it just isn't the same. This is AC/DC - one of the simply rawest major arena rock bands of all time. So yesterday was the big day and let me say it was relatively miserable. Heavy rains, flurries and high winds marred the majority of the day. Earlier, I had hosted a lunchable and we outlined our intentions to meet at the Alpha, 5:30 sharp.
I've seen AC/DC a few times before. One time w/ Cinderella, one time w/ White Lion (that atrocious hair band that sang "Wait, Wait, I Never Had A Chance to Love You") and another time with god knows who. This is of no relevance.
We met Kelly (a man) and his daughter and they would follow us up. Eventually, we'd lose them in the Burgh. So it was me, Heather, Gary K. and Sarah C. I really didn't want to drive this one but Gary didn't bring his Explorer and the thought of Heather driving terrified the living hell out of me. We get on the road and visibility was poor. Gary pleasantly informed me that the forecast was for 3 inches. I just had a bad feeling about this. By the time we hit Claysville, I voiced my concern. I started to think about the title of AC/DC's new cd... isn't it called Black Ice? The roads weren't that bad but I just kept thinking it's gonna get so much worse. Plus, people were driving really slow. Honestly, I was about 50/50 and seriously contemplating turning back. I asked everyone to take a vote and it got awkwardly silent. I knew what they were thinking, "What the fuck Grandpa Saf? Why must you be such a lame ass bitch? We're trying to go to a rock concert, not Sesame Street Live or some Yanni shit. Why have you foresaken us?" So I kept going. By the time we got to Little Washington, everything was substantially better.
I took a slightly non-circuitous path to the arena. Since none of us had tickets, I wanted to park in the lower lot near the main entrance and survey the scene. The lower lot was only accepting reserved parking. Fuck. At the last possible second (and I do mean last possible second), an oafish lot attendant wave me in. Talk about karma. Gary slipped me $20 for parking and I'm pretty sure I kept the change (6 bucks). Gary, if you ever read my blog (which I doubt), I owe you 6 bucks. I was just so excited about getting my usual spot.
Onto the quest for cheap tickets. They had been blabbing on the radio how this show was sold-out. But WDVE always says everything is sold-out. Over the years, I've learned that words like "sold-out", "gold-circle", "box seats", etc. blah don't mean shit. I walked over to Gate A and there was a man (I think it may have been Ohio County Commissioner David Simms) trying to get rid of 4 tickets for $160. Not a bad deal, considering they were Level A with a retail value of about $424. Jesus Christ - AC/DC tix are $106 a pop - that makes me sick. I could see this guy was a bit disillusioned. My goal was to snag 4 singles for $20 a piece, but there wasn't much action out front. 2 other women wanted $100, then $50. I ran into AJ and CHL. They had bought tix earlier for $45 a piece. Then, I saw the cops bitch at the David Simms lookalike and he moved off to the edge of the parking lot. BINGO. I approached him with 4 for a buck twenty and he acquiesced. To be honest, he was offering a great deal in the first place and I think he was just plain discouraged. Who knows how long he'd been standing there.
"Hope you guys brought your ear plugs" was a well-received comment as I got back to the car. We opted to skip the opening band (thank god). I still don't know who they were. Anyway, we hiked about 40 yards to the door and we're in. Not bad. Our seats were bad ass. Section A-11 about 5 rows off the floor. In my opinion, one section closer are the best seats in the arena. Not only were they all together, they were seats 1,2,3,4 on the aisle. Again, not bad. This is more important than usual if you're familiar with the typical AC/DC fan - Unkempt, cheap whiskey chain smoking breath, and generally loud and ugly.
Did I mention how they say everything is always sold-out and there's always a ton of seats. Well HELL to the f'in O, HELLO - this place was totally sold-out. Every seat to the top of the rafters was filled (probably 18,500 if anyone gives a damn).
Brian Johnson can still sing or well screech and Angus Young can still play. These guys have got be about 60. To be honest, my expectations were pretty low. But these guys fucking rocked it out. All the classics and a pretty good flow to the setlist. They closed with one of my all-time favorite rock songs - For Those About to Rock. I snuck a look at the setlist prior to the show. Couldn't help myself. We bolted for the car just as the cannons were firing.
Kelly called me and asked if we were still stuck in traffic. "We've been in this shit for about an hour." I replied, "No, we're at the Dallas Pike rest stop." I silently reflected, "And you paid over a hundred bucks a ticket for level E. Not bad."
As I said earlier, the last true rock concert at Mellon Arena. I can't wait for the new arena next year, but there's a ton of great memories wrapped up in the Igloo. I'll miss it.
Should have worn some ear plugs. My ears were buzzing when I hit the pillow.
AC/DC - you still rock and I will salute.
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