decentralized Wheeling Dog Park solution

For the past few weeks, all I've seen on facebook is friends encouraging everyone to vote for a dog park in Wheeling.  We NEED this dog park so bad.  You MUST go to the link a click it repeatedly. Now THAT is some forward thinking activism!

I guess there's a $100,000 on the line, so that should be sufficient to build the requisite fences and mow a few trails.  Other than buying a few industrial trash cans for the impending loads of dog shit, I don't see why this would cost so much.  Most of the cost would just be upkeep from the city.

So if we get enough people to click on the petsafe.com "bark for your park" contest, perhaps the day will come when Wheeling has its very own dog park.  Personally, I think if you give the city administrators a hundred grand, they'll likely find a way to waste it on refurbishing the parking meters in Center Wheeling.

Just an aside, I've always been a proponent of bringing back old-school dog names.  Names like "Tippy" and "Fido."  I don't like it when people give their dogs human names (Alex, Cynthia, etc.).  Or even worse, the hippie or band names (Sunshine, Elvis, Jim Morrison, etc.).

When I think of heroic dog names, my thoughts harken back to the early 80's.

That's right.  The Moondogs!  Rex and Spot Moondog were tag team champions on many of the regional circuits.  These were some honorable dogs.  They were even memorialized in doll-form... and rightly so.  They were as rich in WWF tradition as they were in WCW.

So here's the current rankings in the never-ending quest for the ultimate dog park contest.

0	1	Mountain House, CA	45147		Visit Page
0	2	Texarkana, TX	37408		Visit Page
0	3	Wheeling, WV	31259		Visit Page
0	4	Oxford, AL	24962		Visit Page
0	5	Conway, AR	23834		Visit Page
0	6	Pontiac, IL	18906		Visit Page
0	7	Auburn, NY	17608		Visit Page
0	8	Brighton, TN	15035		Visit Page
0	9	New Braunfels, TX	12811		Visit Page
1	0	Safford, AZ	12351		Visit Page
1	1	West Columbia, SC	9209		Visit Page
1	2	Mason City, IA	7573		Visit Page
1	3	East Hartford, CT	6186		Visit Page
1	4	Silver Cliff, CO	5936		Visit Page
1	5	Corpus Christi, TX	4693

Hot damn!  Wheeling is on the cusp of second place.  Maybe they'll win (I doubt it).

Anyway, here's a solution if we fail to get the votes.  I call it the "decentralized, resilient Wheeling Dog Park."  Assuming we lose out, don't just throw away all this prior internet/facebook participation.  Let's get an administrator to follow through with a "revolving" dog park.  Compile a list of dog owners and set up one of those snazzy facebook groups - I'd call it either "Wheeling has Gone to the Dogs" or "My Dogs are Barkin."  The latter being a reference to the Jewish moccasins I wear as a substitute for golf shoes.  They currently stink.

Every month it would be some new location around town.  All that's really required is an open space and a trash can or dumpster for the aforementioned dog shit.  How about the Wheeling Jesuit University soccer field?  How about the Oglebay Formal Gardens?  How about that community park in Bethlehem?  How about the parking lot behind Super Buffet?  They just caution-taped off the parking lot and altered the sign - renamed it AC Buffet.  Looks like some big changes are on the horizon for that dining establishment.  Does AC really stand for air-conditioned?  Seriously, what else could it mean?  Atlantic City??? When asked where I ate lunch, I kinda like the idea of saying, "Listen asshole, we went to the air conditioned buffet."

Reminds me of a facebook complaint regarding the recent Kenny Chesney concert at Heinz Field.  Fans were disgusted with the amount of post-concert trash left behind. 

This one person commented how "she saw a young woman throw an entire bowl of potato salad at a moving vehicle for no apparent reason."  To which I replied, "Not to play devil's advocate... but I kinda like it when a young woman throws an entire bowl of potato salad at a moving vehicle for no apparent reason."

So that's that.  You just send out the update on where it will be every month, and bada bing bada boom... there's a storming of the mutts.  The best part is that it's always changing.  Makes things way more interesting if you ask me.  And I think the dogs would agree.  Dogs are like people.  Even though it's the best and cheapest option, you don't always want to play the Crispin front 9.

One final thought, my least favorite canine-inspired wrestler was a dullard... Junkyard Dog.  His routine was seriously lackluster.

Oh, look.  He's on all-fours, barking at the crowd.  Now he's tossing Purina milk bones to the crowd.  If you want my opinion, he was a lame-ass, chintzy prop wrestler.  I prefer the exhilarating tenacity of Jim Adler, a Texas-based Junkyard Dog ambulance chasing, insurance collaborator.

obtaining a constitutional balance at DUI checkpoints

Anybody that has lived in the northern panhandle of West Virginia (particularly Ohio County) for the past 2 decades is aware of one, singular defining truth - the city of Wheeling is the DUI Checkpoint capitol of the world.

It all started in the early mid-1990's.  Local law enforcement officials learned they could extract grant money from the federal govt. if they set up checkpoints.  It started with about 2 per year.  One over Memorial Day weekend and one over Labor Day weekend.  Then, these geniuses realized that the nights before Thanksgiving and the Christmas are big party nights.  Everyone who fled the area generally schedules a return to visit family and friends.  Somehow, it dawned on the Wheeling police force that if people wanted to reconnect with old classmates, they would invariably hit up the local bar scene.  So it was either Mac's on Washington Avenue, the Alpha or the Swing Club.  Rest assured, even the socially challenged would head to TJ's for a pitiable dining experience and the opportunity to yell at multiple television screens.

However, there was some unintentional fallout.  For the love of j-god, our police force was being mocked and humiliated.  How could all these seemingly normal men and women exhibit such an open level of disdain directed straight at law enforcement?  We need to clean the shit out of this town.  These bastards are flouting the authority of the heroic Wheeling PD.  They are arrogantly drinking and driving.  And they're trying to conceal this unacceptable behavior during the dangerous evening hours... you know, when it's dark outside.  Something must be done!

So more checkpoints started popping up.  More and more.  In the daylight, too.  They even started assigning them names (800 block of National Road (Sheetz), 1200 block of National Road (St. Mike's), 2200 block of National Road (Silver Choppy Chop) and Zane Street in the center of Wheeling Island (for any out-of-townies visiting the Wheeling Island Casino - hey, what a great way to encourage tourism).  For some reason which is not entirely difficult to fathom the cops focused all this newly found energy on the most dangerous 3 mile-section in the entire United States - National Road.  Plenty of homegrown terrorists.  I try to dodge them when I go running.  This terrifying stretch of Rt. 40 includes about 3 gas stations, 5 churches, 10 old folk homes/assisted living facilities, and a few lamentable dining establishments (Long John's - home of the corpulent inbred, Hardees, and the aforementioned choice of the terminally pathetic, TJ's Sportsgarden).

Now here's a good question?  Why wouldn't they set up checkpoints in higher crime areas through downtown (like East Wheeling and South Wheeling)?  Hmmmm... well I dunno... just maybe because they're scared shitless of black guys with nicknames like "Boo Boo" and "T-Bone."  So they go for the jugular instead.  Hey, why exclusively target the drug dealing thugs when there's far more money to be extracted from the college kids who defiantly smoke reefer and drink Coors Light?  The cops unwittingly figured out something which was blatantly obvious - that they could use the checkpoints as a pretext to intimidate and harass the predominantly whiter, upper income kids without fear of reprisal.  Now that was in the mid 1990's.

Now it's approaching the mid-2010's.  And guess what?  There are around 50-75 checkpoints per year.  They've even expanded it to include seat belt checkpoints and every once in a blue moon, a "drug" checkpoint.  I'm sure they're salivating at the prospect of license, registration and/or proof of insurance checkpoints.  Just give them time.  How about emission and tire-wear checkpoints?  Do not fret - they're probably on the way.  And the best part is - if you choose to dodge the checkpoint, they're out there doing continuous concentric circles on the perimeter looking for the slightest violation (headlight out, loud exhaust, etc.)  Hey, any excuse to zone in for the kill and shatter someone's life into a gazillion pieces.  Gotta keep that revolving-door-a-swingin' at the northern regional jail.

So here's the million dollar question.

Under the guise of public safety, will the future amount of DUI checkpoints decrease, increase or stay roughly the same.

Well, if you think the frequency will magically decrease, you're a complete fucking idiot who lacks a fundamental understanding of government inertia and missed the class on  societal intrusion/oppression.  Will it somehow level off?  I doubt it.  If there's even the slightest potential for extracting federal grant money in a stagnant, depressed economy, the police force will march hand in hand.  Plus, the cops are getting paid overtime for this shit.  I can't even fathom the notion of a Wheeling police chief standing up for higher moral, constitutional principles - opposing the invasion of privacy and intentionally forgoing the easy monetary windfall.  So if I had to place a bet, I'd expect the trajectory of local DUI checkpoints to increase even further.  If they were to get "called on it,"  they'd likely just start assigning different names to the checkpoints (insurance verification zone, child car seat safety check, license plate light inspection station, etc.).

So what's your point Saf?  Don't you usually suggest a course of action or offer some kind of related system disruption?  Well... kiss my grits.

I actually do have an idea.  Alright, let's start with the obvious.
So I'm at the checkpoint.

The Supreme Court has ruled that these stops are constitutional and justified in the name of public welfare and safety.  I do get that aspect.  So there's little use in fighting this from the "constitutionality" perspective. 

However, I do believe you have a right to make a reasonable determination that everyone "is who they say they are."  Especially in this day and age with so many cases of people misrepresenting themselves as law enforcement.  Also, many of the "undercover" units are confiscated vehicles.  Could be a dumbshit Durango or that Ford Mustang.  Very confusing to know exactly who drives what these days.  You always here these weird stories about people getting pulled over by rogue individuals.  It's usually part of some warped intimidation power trip.

So as I was saying... I believe it's reasonable to ask everyone at the checkpoint to identify themselves IN WRITING.

Here's my idea - I would encourage everyone to drive around with multiple copies of a very brief questionnaire on a 1/2 sheet of paper.  Stick them in the visor.  It would look something like this. 


Name ______________________________________

Rank _______________________________________

Badge # ___________________________  

How many months/years have you been employed as a police officer?  __________

Have you ever been convicted of a felony or misdemeanor?  _________

If yes, please explain _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


The last question is where it becomes a little sketchy.  Personally, I think it's important to know if the individual tasked with upholding the sanctity of the law has ever been an actual criminal in the eyes of the law.  Don't I have the right to know who I'm dealing with?  They are the ones who've arbitrarily decided to impede my movement.  They've made a conscious decision to impose their will on me.  What's even more interesting is if they decide to intentionally lie or purposely omit a past misdemeanor. 

So I would hand out these forms and ask every officer (usually 4-6) at the checkpoint to fill them out to the best of their ability.  After all, they've made a determination to detain me (the matter of duration is not at issue - it could be 5 minutes, it could be 5 seconds).   If they ask me, "Hey buddy, what are you going to do with all this information," I would calmly explain how these forms will be submitted to their supervisor.  If they don't wish to comply and fill out the form, that would be entirely up to them.

Important to note, their specific refusal to comply could become evident.  If some agree and others don't, it establishes this instantaneous litmus test.  My hunches tells me that about 20% of the cops would express an interest in filling out the form.  But they'd be in the minority and bend to the will of the group.  And it would be a pretty stern refusal to cooperate, likely followed by harsh sentiment and possibly threatening behavior.  Hard to comprehend this happening in Wheeling.  But alas, I'm a grim realist.

I think a police chief might find this to be a matter of interest.  Who capitulates and who brazenly defies conventional wisdom.  If someone in his department has something to hide.  If some of his subordinates have a continual problem identifying themselves.  That wouldn't bode well for the transparency of any police department.  And it certainly doesn't embody their mission statement - "to protect and serve the public."

The whole gist of this idea is two-fold.

A.  It reminds the police of something I think most care very little about.  That they are NOT above the law.  That there needs to be some system of checks and balances.  If they are going to conduct random detentions, I believe it's completely reasonable to make sure that everyone is exactly who they claim to be.  This does not seem unreasonable.

B.  It's obviously a move designed to piss off the pigs.  Of course, most of the Wheeling cops would take it as an affront to their authority.  What gives him the effrontery, temerity, impudence, unmitigated audacity, etc.?  Sorry, I'll put it in WPD terms - Who the fuck does this punk asshole think he is?

Now if you could convince EVERYONE to start doing this (keep a few questionnaires in their vehicles), there might finally be a little blowback.  I don't think any of this unreasonable.  Like I was saying, they stopped me.  If you stop me,  I have a RIGHT to know exactly who you are.

The only remaining question is, "Would the amount of time it takes to fill out the form interfere with an officer performing his/her duty?" This strikes me as a somewhat plausible argument.  You'd likely hear the following...  

Hey, we're out here putting our lives on the line.  We don't have time to fill out your stupid, unnecessary forms.

I would counter with.  How long does it actually take to provide written confirmation of the first 4 questions... maybe 5-10 seconds.  I'm willing to wait until you have a spare moment.  And in an ideal world, shouldn't the final question be answered with a "no."

Since I'm the only person on the planet to suggest this course of action, may I also offer some additional guidance?   If you're going along with this, please print the forms out at Wheeling Jesuit University.  They like it when outsiders use their computer lab and printers.  Personally, nothing gives me more pleasure than seeing the following cue...

# of copies  ___.

Oh... I don't know.  How about 270? 
Make that printer squeal like a pig.  Tone the fuck outta that shit.

thoughts on Tom Petty (Consol Energy Center, 6-20-13)

It was a rousing Thursday night.  So we bought an overpriced steak hoagie from Frank's in Millvale and hit up the Tom Petty concert at Consol.  We met up with the Wheeling crew (G Miniature, Fuzzekial, Kelly pizza guy and relative newcomer and Green Day stage crasher/singer/diver, Funky Cold Adena).

Accompanied by a 2/3 previously eaten bag of Wavy Lays, the steak sub was a pretty damn good choice.  Gigi is very anti-steak-um.  It must be something regarding finely pressed, manufactured and processed meats.  They are hardly the most sensual of all the cured, smoked meats.  I'm reminded of Costanza - uttering the words, "I flew to close to the sun on the wings of pastrami."  Fortunately, this was a fine slab of meat adorned with peppers, onions and provolone.

Just an aside - whenever I go to the Bob Evans in Woodsdale, I always get this older female waitress.  And during the ordering process,  she'll inquire... "And your choice of breakfast meat?"  She says it with this absurdly haunting voice.  Hard to describe but I'll try.  It's almost as if I'm being served by George Michael while he sings the classic "Careless  Whisper."  But kind of like we're entering a homo-erotic, haunted house.

Brief shout-out to the world renowned Pittsburgh Scarehouse in Etna and its owner Scott Simmons.

So the weather was perfect, the crowd was mellow.  All six of us were ticketless.  So Gigi and I went to work.  I managed to scrounge one off a woman from Wheeling who turned out to be a former patient of my father.  Then the flood gates opened.  2 here and 2 there.  With only a modicum of effort, we had already snagged 5 freebies.  And Gig finally snagged the 6th off some dude.  But with that last ticket came a "price."  These self-described concert veteran pseudo-weirdos always want her to "go inside" with them.  It takes a few rounds of explaining that we have no desire to hang with them.  We just want the tickets, Nothing more, nothing less.  He eventually succumbed after a thorough round of begging and light interrogation.

Bada-bing, bada-boom.  All 6 tickets with a total face value of about $500.    Who is it that said, "good things come to those who wait?"  I'd like to modify that statement.  "Free shit comes to those who ardently pester others."

We took our usual seats on the lower level, right side of the stage.  But an usher I'd refer to as "old-man summer" told us to scram.  So we hoofed it to the other side.  We had plenty of room in our aisle, but the sound was kind of muffled and weak.  There's usually a widescreen and speaker pointing in our direction.  If there's no video, we're usually so close to the stage that it's not an issue.  Not this time.  The stage set-up was strictly geared for only those facing the stage.  Boo.  Sucked.

I wasn't really too hip on this show.  The band was fine and Tom Petty seemed his usual self.  But I think he's just passed his prime.  If you want my opinion, Petty peaked in the early 90's and held it together until the cusp of the century mark.  Last night, his sound just seemed a bit too rehearsed and overly manufactured (the musical equivalent of steak-um).  Maybe I just wasn't feeling the southern rock vibe last night.   I do not know. 

I recall this one Tom Petty show at StarLake back around 1999.  It was the only time I ever stood in the best seat in the house.  Front row, center of the pit, directly in front of him.  He smiled only at me and nobody else during "Runnin' Down a Dream."  I suppose you could say that it was my defining "Liberace" moment at StarLake.

So here's the setlist.  Kind of a yawner if you ask me.  I don't care much for the overplayed songs 3, 6, 8, 14.  Thank god he didn't play that extended version of "Breakdown."  That's when I invariably choose to go piss for 10 minutes.  His final closers (Refugee and Runnin' Down a Dream) were decent.  And the encores were both acceptable and fairly predictable.  But like I was saying, I just wasn't too enthused.  I'd say the best part of last night was probably the steak sub.

• 1. So You Want to Be a Rock 'n' Roll Star
     (The Byrds cover)
  2. Love Is a Long Road
  3. I Won't Back Down
  4. Baby, Please Don't Go
     (Big Joe Williams cover)
  5. Here Comes My Girl
  6. Mary Jane's Last Dance
  7. The Best of Everything
  8. Free Fallin'
  9. A Woman in Love (It's Not Me)
  10. Cabin Down Below
  11. Tweeter and the Monkey Man
      (Traveling Wilburys cover)
  12. Rebels
  13. Melinda
  14. Learning to Fly
  15. Yer So Bad
  16. I Should Have Known It
  17. Refugee
  18. Runnin' Down a Dream
  19. Encore:
  19. Don't Come Around Here No More
  20. You Wreck Me
  21. American Girl
      

      
      

      But like I was saying, I just wasn't too energized.  Oh... and the other highlight was NOT going inside for the opening act - The Smithereens.  If I had been forced to endure 45 additional minutes of unidentifiable indie rock, I would have likely chosen to kill myself.  Not the ordinary way either.  I would have slid down a razor banister while simultaneously chewing on tin foil and shaving my head with a cheese grater (Sam Malone - Cheers).

      
      

      
      

New NFL/TSA-style policy governing purses and handbags

NFL Commish Roger Goodish is moving toward enhanced TSA-style screening procedures at all 31 NFL stadiums.  Nice!  I was beginning to feel unsafe.

NFL fans arriving at stadiums for games in the 2013 season should leave their large bags at home.
That's the big takeaway from the new NFL policy revealed Thursday, which will limit the size and type of bags that are allowed into stadiums starting in the preseason. In an effort to increase public safety and expedite entry into the stadium, the NFL Committee on Stadium Security in May unanimously recommended the implementation of the measure.

Fans will have a few options for bringing smalls bags into stadiums. They only will be allowed to bring in small clear plastic, vinyl or PVC bags that do not exceed 12" x 6" x 12", according to a press release from the league.

Other options include a one-gallon clear plastic freezer bag (like Ziploc) or a small "clutch bag," approximately the size of a hand. An exception will be made for medically necessary items after they've been properly inspected at a gate designated for this purpose.

"Prohibited items include, but are not limited to: purses larger than a clutch bag, coolers, briefcases, backpacks, fanny packs, cinch bags, seat cushions, luggage of any kind, computer bags and camera bags or any bag larger than the permissible size," the statement reads.

Of course, this falls under the all-encompassing veil of providing a safe game-day environment (no guns).  But don't they already cover this matter with the metal-detecting wands and intrusive pat downs?  There have been a couple times where I received a light-hearted groin groping.  And while I'm not overly hip to the concept of male-on-male fondling, I must ask the obvious question... is this really about weapons and safety?

Personally, I think it's about making sure people can't smuggle in concessions: particularly those tiny bottles of rum or whiskey (excellent for mixing with a $5.00 coke - it almost makes for a reasonably priced, DIY cocktail).

This new constraint is really going to evoke the ire of many women, especially the menstruating faction (with the notable exception of Tampon-Bay fans).  From what I understand, the Buccaneers marketing team already sells officially licensed "Tampax gear."

Is it really necessary for them to use the old-school logo with the knife?  If you ask me, it conjures up some disturbing imagery during the application process.

So of course I have devised an all-purpose, systemically disruptive solution designed to shed light upon the issue.  Here is what I propose....

Everyone, both men and women, should take full advantage of the gallon size zip-lock bag allowance.  You can cram a lot of shit in there.  I would suggest poking two holes in the clear bag and threading through a functional strap of hemp.  Wear that damn bag around your neck as you would a Flavor-Flav alarm clock! 

And fill it with all kinds of sexually provocative goodies.  Execute your own all-star, adult expo-mart throwback visitation policy.  Anything goes.  It's a veritable see-through bone-anza. 

 
Dildos, vibrators, anal beads, pocket rockets, butt plugs, nipple clamps, mini-whips, leashes, ... I'm talking everything (with an emphasis on gimp-related merchandise)   

gimp - Slang a sexual fetishist who likes to be dominated and who dresses in a leather or rubber body suit with mask, zips, and chains

Hey, anything to enhance your game day enjoyment and turn it into a functional "living room" experience... right?  Last time I checked, all these items are legal... correct?  And it's the perfect way to demonstrate some team pride!  Kind of like "tying a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree."

People always assume I'm joking when I make suggestions like this.  But I assure you, I'm not.  If everyone would participate in making a complete mockery of the policy, it turns the NFL into the butt of all jokes (pun intended).  And would likely lead to it being rescinded.

This reminds me of my other idea - encouraging high school football players to openly piss on the field during the national anthem.  You want to drug test our urine - no problem... come and get it!

By the way, next time you're at Heinz Field, check out some of the merchandise shops.  They sell these mammoth Steelers officially licensed handbags.  So do not fret.  Technically, you can still carry them out.  You just can't carry them in.  Sounds about right.

Also, I'm sure that "no seat cushion" policy is going to encounter zero-resistance during those late January playoff games in the upper-tier Buffalo Bills bleacher seats of Ralph Wilson Stadium.  But once again, do not fret.  You can still purchase those seat cushions for a modest fee.  Once you get inside, of course. 

Don't worry.  Buffalo ain't gonna be hosting any winter playoff games.  Same goes for Cleveland.  I believe "when pigs fly" is the traditional term.  So let's close it on a Simpsons-pig related-Peter Frampton note.  I like this non-kosher German version... or maybe it's Dutch.  I do not know.

Dave Matthews Band (5-31-13) - Niagara Pavilion concert review

Gigi and I hit the DMB show at Starlake last night.  As is often the case, we didn't have any tickets.  And to top it off, I didn't even feel like making the traditional "I WANT A FREE TICKET" sign.  I had the cardboard.  I had the requisite sharpie.  I just couldn't muster the effort.  It being a Friday night w/ perfect weather, I just thought there would be too much competition.  Too big of a walk-up crowd.  And I personally don't enjoy challenging the pseudo-hipster, DMB-BMW driving, miracle seeking hippies.

We weren't having much luck near the main entrance.  So we decided to hit up the corner VIP lot.  Not really much action of any kind.  There were a couple scalpers.  But like I said, the scene was devoid of action.

We encountered a woman who looked like a "stumpier" version of this...

That's Dana Perino (George W. Bush's former press secretary).  There are more flattering pictures of her on the net, but this one seemed to capture the essence of her attitude.

At first she seemed like she was going to just hand over the tickets.  She looked at us and said, "Ohh, how many do you need?  I have some tickets in the car.  I'll go get 'em and be right back."  We figured, "Hot Damn!  That was easy enough."  But when she came back she demanded $30 a ticket.  Ouch.

Her husband tried to reason with her, "If we were just going to eat them, why not just give 'em away?"  But the woman remained steadfast.  She seemed like one of those Catholic school nuns.  The husband seemed a bit taken aback.  The couple actually started arguing about the pros and cons.  I chimed in from the peanut gallery, "Think about the karma here.  Think about how this seemingly trivial decision could impact future events.  This is a moment in time.  Everything is interconnected.  Things are not always what they appear to be."  I started getting a little preachy/philosophical.  Gigi flashed me this weird glance of trepidation - "Oh no, please don't start yapping about stampedes."

Whatever the case, we were quickly knocked down to reality.  No big deal.  So we jumped in a golf cart and this guy dropped us off at the side entrance.  We hopped out and ran into Chuck M. from Wheeling.  He inquired, "Saf, where's your sign?"  He knew what time it was.  But there was no sign to be had.  We were gonna just wing it.

So we ventured back to ground zero (top of the steps).  Cop cars rolled in with flashing lights.  They were escorting a woman out... and she was definitely resisting.  They had to take her down on a couple of occasions.  She looked like a super-haggard version of this...

Older and vastly more seasoned than this pic of roller girl from Boogie Nights.  She may have been a prostitute, but likely hailed from the greater Weirton/Steubenville area.  She was a belligerent ho.  Her veins coursing with Citron, her arteries running rich with gazpacho.  The phrase "ridden hard, put away wet" came to mind.

Gigi made a somewhat feeble attempt to secure her ticket from the police.  I sensed that she was trying to replicate the Amandasar Overmars ticket acquisition method from a Poison concert about a decade ago.  But this effort, although noble and steeped in Starlake tradition, simply failed to get off the ground.

In the meantime, I started talking to a guy who looked like this...

He mentioned that he had 2 extra lawn tix but was going to try and sell them.  We made some general chit-chat (mostly about the woman getting arrested and how you've just got to know when it's time to call it quits).  Gigi momentarily disappeared.  The Jon Favreau look-a-like started walking down the steps.  He looked back at me, just like Mean Joe Greene throwing that kid his towel in the famous Coca Cola Superbowl commercial.

He tilted his head back and said, "Hey man, you still need those tickets?"
I responded, "Fuck yeah!"
He handed me the tickets and said "Here you go.  You guys have a good time."
I thanked him heartily.

Reflecting back on it, I probably should have said... "Thanks, Mean Joe!"

 

So we celebrated for a bit and then zipped back to the car.
We laughed about the unusual nature of securing the tickets and ate our dinner - grilled pork salad w/ radishes, cucumbers, olives, cauliflower, cheese, flax seed, carrots with a subtle hint of Good Seasons salad dressing.  We also consumed a slew of fresh cherries.
We wound up heading into the show about 4 songs in.  Dave Matthews is always a quality show, but it was a subdued performance.  The set list was fairly unremarkable.  I had higher expectations since it was a one-night stand as opposed to his usual back to back shows.

The amphitheater looked fairly packed.  I'd say about 19,000 or so. 

Highlights for me were a Warehouse, When the World Ends and Recently (second song in the encore).  Gigi scrounged up some Section 3 tickets lying on the ground and we eventually made our way to the 20th row.  It was a little too congested in the pit and I'm an old man (as my Penguins 2013 playoff beard will attest).  Seriously, if Salt from Salt'n'Peppa was in the hizzouse for a thumpin' dinner party, she would have surely said, "Sup, biatch.  Can you pass the beard?"

Speaking of the Penguins, we were at the Detroit Tigers game on Thursday night and saw Matt Cooke jump out of a Range Rover and pick up some tickets at will-call.  He looked like this...

... except he had a full beard.  Not to the extent of mine, but I won't hold it against him.

Pirates ended up winning in the bottom of the 11th.  Who knows, maybe the Buccos will make the post-season this year.  Then again, maybe the Obama administration will address the issue of artificially generated stampedes.  I'd say the latter is less plausible.  Sucked.

thoughts on the Ogden Half-Marathon (Wheeling, WV - 2013)

This morning I ran the annual Ogden race (not the 20K, just the measly 5K).  Time was around 27 minutes.  About a minute slower than usual.  No big deal.

Of course I jogged the race "bandit" style.  For all you newbies out there, I suggest you read the FAQ.  Being a "race bandit" means you don't pay the entrance fee.  You just show up and run the damn thing.  Do not fret.  I don't engage in this behavior if the race is for a charitable cause, which most are.  But when the proceeds go to the Wheeling Jesuit University pedophile priest Catholic defense fund or something of that ilk... call me crazy, but I don't wish to contribute.

Sorry if this sounds as though I'm impugning the Nutting family (primary race sponsors with an estimated net worth exceeding 1 billion).  I just don't think they need my $30.  More on this later.

Anyway, I parked up near WVNCC and headed down to the starting point by the Intelligencia headquarters.  The first thing I noticed was the "safe zone."  Legions of Wheeling police, firefighters and the addition of ubiquitous McKeen Security guards.  Their collective duty was to protect the integrity of 14th Main and Market Streets no matter what the cost.  Safeguard that stank area (it always smells like a sewer), if necessary... with their lives.  Be on the lookout for baby strollers, knapsacks, purses and briefcases.  You don't see many briefcases on a Saturday morning.  But hey, I've got news for you.  Has anyone ever heard of a suitcase nuke?  Yep, all these precautionary measures are necessary because... Well... what if ???   

What if Moondog was to cast a suspicious, prolonged stare?
What if someone tampered with the Domino's Pizza portable heating units?
What if the Kenyan who won the race was related to a Nigerian leader of the anti-Chevron group MEND  (movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta)?  You see... he could be part of some Central African sleeper cell.  Those guys have especially deep cover because they run a lot and consequently don't get much sleep.

I could be admittedly naive when it comes to all this increased security.  These guys seem like they know what they're doing. 

Obviously, they have an unquestionable commitment to public safety.  And that commitment shalt not be challenged nor scrutinized.  To do so would demonstrate a marked lack of patriotism.

Like I was saying, maybe I'm not the keenest observer.  Maybe I don't know shit about the inner workings of the impenetrable safe-zone.  But it seemed to me like everyone was just standing around chit-chatting.  I began to contemplate the matter further... you can't have a "safe zone" without the word "safe."  And you cannot truly be "safe" without the word "saf."  At this precise moment I made a critical decision - that if I were to see a woman who "might" appear "supposedly" 7-8 months pregnant... that she was likely fetus-faking.  In reality, she was probably hiding some kind of homemade gunt-bomb.  If and when I saw a woman fitting this description, it would be necessary to tackle her to the asphalt and cry out for the nearest authorities (perhaps the FBI agent assigned to guarding the row of port-a-jons - the Wheeling field office bureau calls it "crapper-trapper death row").  Hey, we've all got to do our part.  Even though female gunt-bombers are the exception in the Ohio Valley, not the rule.  Still, better off safe than sorry.

A canine unit 4-legged police officer drug/bomb sniffing dog was the main attraction.  And boy, that German Shepherd was barking incessantly.  He almost seemed to steal the show from the master of ceremonies.  There's nothing wiser than bringing out the police dogs... because we all know that something horrible is bound to happen.  It could be at the Chili-cook off.  It might be the Italian Festival.  Whatever the occasion, just be sure to "release the hounds" ahead of time.

The safe zone had a problem - some of the orange plastic fencing was sagging.  It may have been stepped on.  And some of the barrels and barricades had been moved slightly so observers could get a better view of the race.  Suffice to say, all the bizarro, warped security procedures enacted for "the dangerous 48 hour looming threat period" had to suddenly take a back seat because Edna from Benwood wanted a hot cup of joe and Cassie from Beech Bottom felt the need to photobomb a group pic of the Iron-Men.* 

Need I remind you that EVIL is lurking.  And just who might commit these heinous acts?  Well, the evil-doers of course.  Makes sense I suppose (from the perspective of an 87 year old woman, knitting a blanket, watching reruns of Falcon Crest, who has lived her entire life in Triadelphia).

We all must do our part to stop the EVIL.  And how do you prevent this evil?  Well, the only way I can surmise is to be extra-hyper-super vigilant.  It's the main reason I yell at people who are smoking cigarettes when they fill up their gas tanks.  Their secret plan is to blow up the Elm Grove Citgo - they call themselves the NWTSB (nicotine white trash suicide bombers).  First they pump 5 bucks.  Then they eat the Slim Jim.  Then, it's time to martyr yourself and cry-out Honey Boo-Boo (allah-akbar style). 

After an unusually ear-piercing national anthem AND the traditional non-secular prayer for everyone's safety including a reference to the inevitable return of Jesus Christ, we heard a loud bang.  But twas no ordinary cap gun.  This thing went...

KA-BOOM

It sounded a little like a Daisycutter bomb being dropped in Afghanistan.  Kind of ironic if you take into consideration the entire line of reasoning behind all the heightened security (Boston tragedy).

After finishing the race, I sensed a rare opportunity - to speak with a professional sports owner about the outdated status of stadium emergency evacuation protocol.  I approached Bob Nutting (Pirates owner), introduced myself and gave him a 5 minute overview of my concerns regarding the artificially generated stampede.  He was incredibly receptive and offered some observations about the recent Associated Press Twitter hack as well as some all-encompassing thoughts from a recent owners meeting.

I must say - the guy was so pleasant and unbecoming... I began to feel a slight sense of guilt for past occasions when I've lambasted the Buccos organization.  Specifically this flier I constructed and handed out a couple years ago...

   
But hey, you gotta have thick skin if you're a pro sports owner.  I'm sure he realizes this.  It's all part of the game.  Fans have a right to "boo" now, don't they?

Regardless, I told him I'd be in touch.  So I sent him an email just before I wrote this blog entry.  But it bounced back as undeliverable.  So I printed it out and will drop it in an old-school mail box this afternoon.

Mr. Nutting,

I had difficulty sending you an email - it bounced back undeliverable.

Thanks for taking a moment to speak with me the morning of the Ogden race.  I hope I didn't take you aback.  The content of the conversation requires an extreme degree of forwardness and I often talk too fast and try to cram in excessive details. 

My concerns about the "artificially generated stampede" revolve mostly around NFL and NCAA division I stadiums, but I'm sure you'd agree that the essence of the issue is a very generic one.  It will inevitably apply to baseball stadiums, race tracks, arena events, really any large gatherings in confined spaces.  Simply stated, the solution needs to be PROACTIVE, not reactive.  And further complicating the matter, mitigation is not an effective strategy.

You asked me about my perspective "or angle" regarding stadium emergency evacuation protocol.  The answer to that question might surprise you but it requires a real explanation.  I've spent over 2 years delving into this issue and have acquired a great deal of information that lies "under the radar."  I'd be honored to share my findings.

I've generally come to the conclusion that the answers I seek will not be found in the Wheeling/Pittsburgh area.  But then again, I've been surprised a few times during this journey. 

If you wish, I'd enjoy the opportunity of taking you to lunch and discussing the matter further.  But I'll leave this entirely in your hands.  It's a challenging issue to resolve and I don't wish to be a nuisance.

Respectfully,

Eric Saferstein
Wheeling, WV

xxx-xxx-xxxx

PS - I also have an unorthodox promotional idea for the Pirates organization, something that could bolster the spirit of the city and coincide with a pennant run after the all-star break.

I'm curious to see if he responds. Will he contact me or will my concerns be disregarded?  Any predictions?

Well... I'm off to Weirton to meet up with Gigi and our Raleigh friends.  Remember, it's Memorial Day weekend.  Be safe out there.  Aside from the seat belt checkpoints, drug checkpoints and DUI checkpoints, I think it's finally time for the Wheeling PD to step up their game.  I would humbly suggest bomb and IED checkpoints.  You could stagger them once a week outside the Alpha and Tony and Cleo's.  With all that EVIL lurking, this seems like a reasonable course of action.

 * - The Iron-Men is a group of about 20 old guys that have run every Wheeling distance race. 

How to END universal high school drug testing

When describing the war on drugs, you often hear the following two words.  Abject failure.  That's the consensus opinion assigned to the United States federal government and their never-ending obsession with narcotics. 

I'm not interested in debating the pros and cons of "illegal" drug use.  It all depends on how you view the issue.  From the perspective of public safety and prison overcrowding?  From the personal standpoint of someone who lost a family member to the perils of addiction?  Maybe you're concerned about U.S. border enforcement and weighing the benchmarks of supply and demand.  Maybe you think possession of more than 2 pounds of marijuana deserves the death penalty.  Like I said, I'm not interested in those discussions.

Here's what I'm thinking about.  We've seen an enormous uptick in public high school drug testing.  Most of it stems from a desire to participate in athletics or extracurricular activities.  Ohhh, you want to play football???  Well that's super fantastic... but we'll NEED a urine sample to make sure you conform to the community and the school board's expectations of what constitutes a fine, upstanding young man or woman.

Okay I get it.  But the testing has become way more prevalent because anytime you introduce $$$ into the equation, you can pretty much guarantee that any moral objections will be quickly silenced.  After all, there's money to be made god-damnit!  And in many high schools, it's evolving beyond sports.  You want to join the Chess Club... give us your piss.  You want to bake some special brownies for Home Ec... marijuana better not be one of the ingredients.  Driver's Ed??? You gotta piss before you buckle up.

The problem with universal drug testing is not only its draconian nature, it's also the application.  Who will be tested and under what circumstances.  Why shouldn't every member of the United States Congress have to submit to random drug testing?  They write the drug laws.  Shouldn't the same standard apply to them.   Hey, maybe some of them could volunteer and try to lead by example.  Personally, I like the idea of Mitch McConnell pissing in a little Dixie cup.  It makes me happy for reasons I cannot adequately codify or quantify.  What about Sonya Sotomayer?  I'd like to become more familiar with the content of her Latino urine.  How about the Big O?  Shouldn't he be tested after having retroactively confessed to smoking pot, snorting blow and who knows what else.  Isn't the president supposed to lead by example?

I'm starting to go off topic a little.  So let me lay it on the line...
Drug testing has become such an intrinsically volatile issue because it involves fundamental human rights.  After all, why should kids be coerced, and in some cases required, to submit to these hair follicle and urine tests.

I think what's needed here is one of those epic, shining youtube moments that goes viral and reshapes the entire debate.  I say that if you want our urine, we're gonna give it to you.

So here's the deal, here's my idea, picture this.  On a Friday night in Galveston, Texas, the local high school football team is charging onto the field for the big game.  That crappy "Let's get it Started" song is playing over the pa.  For some reason, the game's a huge rivalry.  Everyone in town is gonna be there.  All the football players form a straight line, remove their helmets, place their hands over their hearts... just as the glee club strikes the opening chord of the national anthem.

Ohh say can you see, by the dawn's early light...

At this defining moment in time, all the football players whip out their dicks and simultaneously start pissing on the field... DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.  How's that for some pregame footage?  Can you fathom the complete outrage, disgust and disbelief?  Fox News producers would experience multiple coronaries.

If you decide to kick it up an extra notch, how about adding an additional element of Roseanne-ittude Barr into the equation.

Afterwards, have the quarterback issue the following statement.  "Well, they kept insisting on having our urine.  So we decided they can have it!"  It's simplicity at its finest.  Give 'em what they want.  What a brutal video this would be - guaranteed to reek chaos and instantly spark a national debate.

What a slap in the face to every veteran who has ever served.  Or is it?  Could this be the modern day equivalent of the signing of the Declaration of Independence?  I can't say for certain, but I think John Hancock would approve.  He does have the word "cock" in his last name.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Maybe other high school and college kids would follow their lead.  Who knows, maybe even the pros? 

The problem would be finding a true leader within a team of sports-indoctrinated young males.  And it would take an enormous abundance of collective courage.  Like the Scots led by William Wallace.

In the aftermath, I think it would be very difficult for a high school to collectively discipline ALL of the kids.  Strength in numbers is always where it's at.  The kids could refuse to play until drug testing policy is rescinded.  The school could be forced to consider halting the season or eliminating the entire program.  I'm sure the town folk wouldn't be too hip with that prospect.  Public sentiment would soon turn against the school board.  That's how you win the an argument against mandatory drug testing- you shift the debate.  Instead of hating on the depraved high school kids, you malign the bureaucratic school board that has to interfere with our children's personal lives.  How dare that hoity-toity board of governance superimpose their authority and define precisely what constitutes being a good parent?  Aren't you completely sick of the nanny-state U.S. federal government?  I know I am.

Come to think of it.  Maybe it should be Steubenville's Big Red team.  Hell, they've already got a stellar reputation for gang rape.  Mass public urination would seem to be a step in a kinder, gentler direction... instead of this >>>

If anyone wants to run with the scenario I outlined, you can take all the credit.  I don't mind.  But if anyone uses the name "Francis Scott Pee"...  well, that's where I draw the line.  That shit is mine.

poly-spam or polyspam

I still get a slew of emails from Barack Obama and his team.  I even get the occasional one from Mitt Romney.  Maybe it's just me, but could there be anything worse than a guy worth about a half billion asking you to make a $10 donation to the remnants of his political campaign?  Political spam is an art form in its own right.    

But lately, my sonofsaf blog has been on the receiving end of what I originally thought was "low-end" spam.  I get a lot of these annoyingly bizarre, broken-English, declarative statements.   The first time you read them, you're likely to think they're just poorly written, commercially unsound marketing blather. 

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"That will agreement an aggreable and as well as" - Seriously, a phrase like that could not have been written by accident.  It's intentionally designed to annoy and frustrate the reader.  It's specifically created to convey a sense of irritation.  Logically speaking, if I read a continued refrain of comments like that, I would generally tend to steer clear of a particular blog.

This is where it gets kind of interesting.

I'm not trying to sound paranoid or come across as an egomaniac, but if I wanted to make a blogger appear non-credible, this is a tactic I would use.  I would never engage them about content (agreeing or disagreeing) - instead, I would throw their blog to the wolves (in this case it's the "automated bot hounds.")  These comments strike me as a far worse fate than the repeated Viagra or mortgage refinance offers.    

 

Here's another...

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Notice the strange sounding Ukrainian, Eastern bloc name or website.  And as is customary, the purposely incoherent, frustratingly crafted message.  If you click on the links, it usually takes you to where Borat hailed from (Kazakhstan) or some former subdivision of the Soviet Union.

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These above spam comments are all taken from my most recent entry about Bengazi.
Every statement is this annoying gibberish designed to steal or divert your attention away from engaging in a meaningful comment section.  Once again, these messages have no legitimate commercial value. 

Here's my point - if the United States government had a problem with someone expressing his/her First Amendment rights in the content of a blog, I strongly suspect they would sign you up for a hefty dose of this new brand of spam.  I've even given it a name - "poly-spam."

Go Pens - Game 4 tonight.  

Thoughts on Bengazi and the evolution of future political scandal

I don't think I've ever chimed in on Bengazi.  I carefully watched the news, or lack thereof, as the 2012 Obama/Romney election unfolded.  I knew the same thing back then.  It has become more apparent these days.  There was so much more to this than meets the eye. 

Fox News did its best to bring Bengazi to the forefront.  But I think they focused on the wrong aspect of the "intentional cover-up."  How Ambassador Susan Rice purposely obscured the facts and blamed the attacks on cartoon depictions of Allah.  They kept churning away about how it was certainly an act of terrorism, but the Obama administration is afraid to use the words "Muslim" and "terrorist" in the same sentence.  They wish to treat everything as a criminal matter.  At the time, the Fox narrative was atrociously limited (to its eventual detriment).  They kept blathering about the Trump's birther nonsense and Obama's secret socialist plan to bankrupt the country (despite the rising stock market and an increasing gap between CEO /worker compensation).  In many ways, they were still hooked on the 2008 vision.

Bengazi fascinates me.  Not from a terrorism perspective.  After all, shit happens.  But to accuse Hillary of incompetence and lack of oversight... that's a specious stretch.  Seriously, is Hillary Clinton ultimately responsible for the financial security and physical safety of each ambassador outpost in every country on the planet.  I don't think that's reasonable.  Any Secretary of State has enough on their plate. Whenever your opponents volley the accusation, "He/she isn't doing the job" or "Look how much money that's costing the taxpayers" - it's almost always baseless non sequitur shit.

What I think is fascinating about Bengazi is not the "Obama administration vs. the terrorists" narrative, it's the power of the Secretary of State's office vs. our own CIA.  At the time, I'm pretty sure the CIA had no director.  John Brennan didn't take over until recently.  Hillary is a keen observer to DC administration infighting.  She knew the bigger story line and how it all might unfold.

I think that's the real story.  The executive branch is upset about the loss of their ambassador.  The CIA is pissed because they're ultimately being blamed for a lack of timely intelligence.  As a result, naturally our military response OODA loop would be compromised.  Everybody is blaming everybody within the monster bureaucracy.  But it all must be kept hush hush.  It's all maintained internally until Obama can scrape through a tight election. 

This is where the REAL scandal was.  Fox News and to a lesser extent, Mitt Romney, missed the boat.  They could have sowed the seeds of contention if they cornered Hillary.  But she went on sabbatical with a well-timed blood clot.  And Obama was just too strong, too confident.  Repubs could have ripped apart factions in the administration and it might have imploded internally.  Never forget Sun Tzu's "Art of War" - avoid confrontation at all costs IF you can get the enemy to destroy itself.  Always divide and conquer from WITHIN.  Then again, I doubt they read much about military theory at Fox News headquarters.

Romney should have torn into Obama and raised all these questions, but he's just not politically sharp enough.  Not his fault though... other than Gingrich, who really tested him in the primaries?  Tim Pawlenty (MN - douchebag) ?  Michele Bachmann (Minnesota douchebaguette) ??  Rick Perry ???  Oh yeah, he did challenge Perry.  A $10,000 bet waged by an upstanding  Mormon.  For the love of Joseph Smith!!!  Even when Romney did pounce, Obama was masterful.  I remember that exact debate moment when Obama menacingly waved his finger at Romney - "that's not what we do."

MS. CROWLEY: Because we're closing in, I want to still get a lot of people in. I want to ask you something, Mr. President, and then have the governor just quickly. Your secretary of state, as I'm sure you know, has said that she takes full responsibility for the attack on the diplomatic mission in Benghazi.

Does the buck stop with your secretary of state as far as what went on here?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Secretary Clinton has done an extraordinary job. But she works for me. I'm the president. And I'm always responsible. And that's why nobody is more interested in finding out exactly what happened than I did (sic).
The day after the attack, Governor, I stood in the Rose Garden, and I told the American people and the world that we are going to find out exactly what happened, that this was an act of terror. And I also said that we're going to hunt down those who committed this crime. And then a few days later, I was there greeting the caskets coming into Andrews Air Force Base and grieving with the families.

And the suggestion that anybody in my team, whether the secretary of state, our U.N. ambassador, anybody on my team would play politics or mislead when we've lost four of our own, Governor, is offensive. That's not what we do. That's not what I do as president. That's not what I do as commander in chief

I doubt Romney's advisers really cared too much.  They knew they'd get paid regardless.  Just the mere notion of Mitt Romney having a separate political team devoted to out-of-the-box thinking or asymmetric strategies is borderline ludicrous.  Well, except the Foundation for a Better Life - mainstream normalization of the ideal Mormon.  I covered that in a previous blog.

Bengazi must have driven the Fox News people to the brink of insanity.  They have this golden ticket perfectly coinciding election.  It's pure AU, but they don't know how to use it.  And the higher-ups won't budge from the previously established "Obama's soft on terror" narratives.  Even though the general consensus is that Obama has been a hawk on foreign policy (doubling down in Afghanistan and infinitely expanding drones, wiretapping, etc.).  Obama played the national security card quite well.  But seriously, where could the liberals have gone?  Ted Kucinich?  Ralph Nader?  

Bengazi makes me better understand the "identity" of future political scandal.  From the left wing or the right.  It really doesn't matter.  Although the right wing uses it ad nauseum thanks to Limbaugh, Karl Rove, Hannity, etc.  The future of scandal is... endless refrain.  Use the same word tirelessly.  The facts don't matter.  Low information voters associate unique words with scandal.  Just hammer it home endlessly.  Again, again, again.  Barrack HUSSEIN Obama, Palin is an IDIOT, add the word "gate" to just about anything.  The key is repetition at all costs.  The facts don't matter anymore.  A greater number of Americans are heading down the low-info road.  Rather than observe and analyze, they're far more likely to align themselves with a specific politician, obnoxious newscaster or adhere to a particular media organization's brand.  Just because it's so much easier.  It's a dangerous precedent when things get confusing or controversial.  During a prolonged economic crisis, you could end up with multiple Hitlers.

Rather than explore the facts (which are always confusing and usually lie somewhere in the middle of an irresolvable grey zone), just repeat the same words incessantly.  It helps if the word itself sounds unusual (Bengazi, Solyndra, etc.) because that gives it a mysterious flare/negative connotation.

It's sad.  Because it's in keeping with the idiocracy of the United States.  I rarely promote movies, but this one wasn't that bad.  Very forward thinking.