I often speak of my contempt for the biggest "party" on the planet, Jamboree in the Hills. I've always had little regard for the quality of pop country music and find the genre largely unsatisfying. I also tend to loathe many of the things that accompany country music - a tacitly approved and encouraged racist undercurrent, the cries of a return to pre-Civil War days (endless displays of the Confederate flag), the whole Ford vs. Chevy debate, the embrace of mid-end whiskey (Beam and Jack), chewing tobacco and the act of spitting everywhere, the abundance of low-end red meat (lots of burgers and dogs) and the myriad of dancing-shaking overweight shirtless men.
I also don't care for the hostile "squirt bottle man syndrome" - guys that have been dissed all their lives by pretty women and get their yearly vengeance by squirting them in the chest and other targeted areas all in the name of having a "good time." Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm too old for all this fun and Jambo revelry.
However, I do have a unique perspective. I was there for 3 out of the 4 days with the limo gig. This provides me with a sobering, behind the scenes perspective. You see many of the arrests and encounter more of the redneck fallout. Kind of like a Girls Gone Wild video except it's more "When Rednecks Collectively Piss and Vomit."
Every year, WTOV9 says the same thing - "Well, it's another year in the books and Jamboree went off without a hitch. They put on a flawless production as usual and country music lovers came from far and wide. A great time was had by all." Well, it's my contention that this statement is not only erroneous, but it's a flagrant lie. Here's an estimate of the true aftermath of Jambo...
25 DUI's
50 misdemeanor and felony assualts
50 underage drinking citations
a few rapes (unreported)
5 attempted rapes
100 drunken and disorderly conduct violations
tons of alcohol related injuries
Alright, you get the drift. Peoples lives can be destroyed or face a serious setback, mostly self-inflicted wounds. Maybe, just maybe, things didn't go so smoothly after all. I guess my main problem with Jambo is the way the locals unite around the whole thing. People view it as some kind of drunken celebratory vacation. Talk about some low-end aspirations for yearly entertainment. Can't you come up with something better to do once a year? I realize a trip abroad is probably out of the question, but is Jambo really such a quality adventure? I honestly think it is not.
On a brighter note, it didn't smell that bad on Sunday this year. As Jambo nears its close, the acrid stench of incest permeates the air. This scent is comprised of sweat, beer, piss, shit, mud, puke and skoal with just the slightest hint of tampon. Sounds like a great way to take some well-deserved time off. Oh yeah... and the music is atrocious. I'm not even factoring in the country music reprise which takes place every night in the campgrounds.
I often think that the Jamboree venue is under-utilized. Maybe they could have a rock band there every once in a while. On second thought, let's just stick with Jambo once a year. Sometimes it's better to just stick with the same old routine. Maybe they should publish a Jambo cookbook - stuff like deviled eggs, macaroni salad, hot dogs, cotton candy, scalloped potatoes. Oh yeah... and cheap beer, lots of cheap beer.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Tiki Bar and Grill
My harem and I ate at the Tiki Bar and Grill today in glorious downtown Wheeling. This place opened about 6 months ago to a wide variety of reviews; some favorable others scathing. I purposely avoided it until today. I got the email for Lunchtimez and was all on board.
For those of you unfamiliar with Tiki, it's basically a low-end attempt to capture the festive nature of Myrtle Beach and regurgitate it in the center of downtown Wheeling. This building used to be a shoe store. Then it was "Domino's Express Pizazz Pizza" - whatever the fuck that all means. Then, as the dust settled, it would morph into an unclean, disgusting Mexican Restaurant called Nogales. History would dictate a brand new restaurant in a year or so. And voila, Tiki Bar and Grill emerged.
I'd never been in the place. I walk in and it pretty much resembles a Jimmy Buffett parking lot. Lots of "fun" stuff to look at. Plenty of dollar store decorative items - lots of plastic statues and lays. It's as though the party just never stops (keep in mind, this is centrist Wheeltown). I guess I've never been a big fan of the whole Margaritaville movement, lots of pureed strawberries and tropical fun.
Our waiter was kind of like a Wheeling Sinatra. Very cordial and debonair, he is probably the most hospitable man in the 26003 zip code. He could turn the most mundane topic (our drink orders - 4 waters and 3 diet cokes) into a veritable plethora of side-splitting punchlines. Let's just say he was at the peak of his game.
The menu attempts to capture this "beach vibe" but it resembles more of a "Perkins meets Eat'n'Park." Basically, there's a bunch of hamburgers, sandwiches and salads - then they make it fun by throwing in a dose of salsa or pico di guyo (sp., I know).
I had the special - a turkey melt w/ fries and coleslaw. It may have been the special, but it was sadly lackluster albeit edible. I would think they'd make the daily special something a little more festive. Just a side note - the coleslaw was sub-par and it came in one of those tiny salad dressing containers. Fortunately, since the coleslaw was in the spectrum of "that which sucks," I considered it a non-issue. Regardless, I'd never complain about something so trivial. I just thought the weak portion was peculiar.
All in all, I'd have to give Tiki a lamentable thumbs down. I'd give the place another 6-8 months depending on how much money they opt to throw down the drain. I have a hunch that Lunchtimez was a harbinger of more things to come this evening. You see, I'm heading up to scalp the Jimmy Buffett show at Starlake. In and out - I love it on a Tuesday. All the drunk frat boys will be getting rid of tickets for $5-$10 a piece. "Yeah, but you don't understand, I paid $137 for this ticket." "Uh yeah, I"m painfully aware of that - how about 5 bucks? Just don't eat it."
I'll snag about a dozen or so and resell them at cost. Tonight's a great night to check out the EMT vehicle; tons of drunks will bite the dust, or at Starlake, they bite the rocky concrete surface, strewn with bits of charred glass and puddles of rhombus-shaped vomit . Welcome Parrotheads - an unusual sect of the populous that summons all their collective strength for one evening of summertime revelry!
Wip out that coconut bra! You are so zany!
Drink cheap Tequila, you know the shitty Pepe Lopez brand with the cool plastic Mexican sombrero on the bottle. Then, later that night, afix the sombrero to the head of your penis! What a blast.
Sing the good time refrain of Cheeseburger in Paradise. Then, on the way home, sing Mony Mony (get laid get fucked).
Reminisce about all the drunken fun times you've had at previous Buffett shows. Yeah, I got so wasted when I saw him in 96. Jimmy's da man.
44 year old divorced mother of 3, cinch in that pussy pillow! Tonight you will shine!
How about that one time? You know, when a dozen people cruised up to Buffett and continually filled a bucket with urine, and then from time to time, would empty it into one of those kiddie wading pools. Then, they'd watch the people swimming and splashing about in their urine. It's a felony, but it's so much fun. Only at a Jimmy Buffett show.
For those of you unfamiliar with Tiki, it's basically a low-end attempt to capture the festive nature of Myrtle Beach and regurgitate it in the center of downtown Wheeling. This building used to be a shoe store. Then it was "Domino's Express Pizazz Pizza" - whatever the fuck that all means. Then, as the dust settled, it would morph into an unclean, disgusting Mexican Restaurant called Nogales. History would dictate a brand new restaurant in a year or so. And voila, Tiki Bar and Grill emerged.
I'd never been in the place. I walk in and it pretty much resembles a Jimmy Buffett parking lot. Lots of "fun" stuff to look at. Plenty of dollar store decorative items - lots of plastic statues and lays. It's as though the party just never stops (keep in mind, this is centrist Wheeltown). I guess I've never been a big fan of the whole Margaritaville movement, lots of pureed strawberries and tropical fun.
Our waiter was kind of like a Wheeling Sinatra. Very cordial and debonair, he is probably the most hospitable man in the 26003 zip code. He could turn the most mundane topic (our drink orders - 4 waters and 3 diet cokes) into a veritable plethora of side-splitting punchlines. Let's just say he was at the peak of his game.
The menu attempts to capture this "beach vibe" but it resembles more of a "Perkins meets Eat'n'Park." Basically, there's a bunch of hamburgers, sandwiches and salads - then they make it fun by throwing in a dose of salsa or pico di guyo (sp., I know).
I had the special - a turkey melt w/ fries and coleslaw. It may have been the special, but it was sadly lackluster albeit edible. I would think they'd make the daily special something a little more festive. Just a side note - the coleslaw was sub-par and it came in one of those tiny salad dressing containers. Fortunately, since the coleslaw was in the spectrum of "that which sucks," I considered it a non-issue. Regardless, I'd never complain about something so trivial. I just thought the weak portion was peculiar.
All in all, I'd have to give Tiki a lamentable thumbs down. I'd give the place another 6-8 months depending on how much money they opt to throw down the drain. I have a hunch that Lunchtimez was a harbinger of more things to come this evening. You see, I'm heading up to scalp the Jimmy Buffett show at Starlake. In and out - I love it on a Tuesday. All the drunk frat boys will be getting rid of tickets for $5-$10 a piece. "Yeah, but you don't understand, I paid $137 for this ticket." "Uh yeah, I"m painfully aware of that - how about 5 bucks? Just don't eat it."
I'll snag about a dozen or so and resell them at cost. Tonight's a great night to check out the EMT vehicle; tons of drunks will bite the dust, or at Starlake, they bite the rocky concrete surface, strewn with bits of charred glass and puddles of rhombus-shaped vomit . Welcome Parrotheads - an unusual sect of the populous that summons all their collective strength for one evening of summertime revelry!
Wip out that coconut bra! You are so zany!
Drink cheap Tequila, you know the shitty Pepe Lopez brand with the cool plastic Mexican sombrero on the bottle. Then, later that night, afix the sombrero to the head of your penis! What a blast.
Sing the good time refrain of Cheeseburger in Paradise. Then, on the way home, sing Mony Mony (get laid get fucked).
Reminisce about all the drunken fun times you've had at previous Buffett shows. Yeah, I got so wasted when I saw him in 96. Jimmy's da man.
44 year old divorced mother of 3, cinch in that pussy pillow! Tonight you will shine!
How about that one time? You know, when a dozen people cruised up to Buffett and continually filled a bucket with urine, and then from time to time, would empty it into one of those kiddie wading pools. Then, they'd watch the people swimming and splashing about in their urine. It's a felony, but it's so much fun. Only at a Jimmy Buffett show.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Iran
For over a year I've been predicting the use of texting to help facilitate looting in the United States. Well, I have a hunch the situation in Iran will take precedence. Of course, we've all seen the political unrest in Iran. Although protests have been conducted in over 50 cities, I imagine the main thrust of the unrest is in Tehran. Especially since the Neda woman got snipered and the footage was captured via the social network sites.
I'm thinking the use of twitter, despite the communication clampdown by the theocratic thugs, will be used heavily during the variety of ensuing phases of this rebellion. I'm assuming there will be continued protests. I could be wrong. Tehran is an incredibly modern, spread out city. It actually resembles Phoenix, AZ. It would be exceedingly difficult to mobilize the revolutionary guard and various govt. militia representatives to combat infrequent, sudden looting. This is the shit twitter was made for. Coordinating mass chaos in an instant. They've mentioned repeatedly on CNN, using twitter, that the timing and location of future protests must be kept secret right up until crunchtime. Well, there you go.
It'll be interesting to see if a group of well-coordinated citizens could take out a pipeline or something of monetary value. In the long run, torching a bus/ambulance has little effect. Of course, when over a hundred thousand people defy the Supreme Leader and participate in street protests - this is definitely an important component. But I suspect the military apparatus and conventional police forces will wear them down over time. I'm definitely not in tune with the general vibe on the streets of Tehran. I get my info like everyone else - mostly CNN/MSNBC and occasionally the BBC. Fox is so far out of the mainstream, one can hardly fathom how they could be viewed as a credible source of information in the Middle East.
Seriously though, the political upheaval, specifically in the capital city of Tehran, seems ripe for sudden and highly focused looting via twittering and other instant messaging forums. I guess it's dependent on how effectively the govt. can crack down on the existing communication systems. Obviously, they can kick out virtually every foreign news correspondent, but you just can't effectively impose martial law when everyone (particularly the youth) have cell phones with video messaging capabilities. I think the images of the 20 yr. old Neda Girl will have vast, far reaching implications. It reminds me of the guy who stood before the tank in Tianamin Square. Whether or not there's a political transformation or change in Iran - I don't know. In fact, I think it's plausible to say that A-Jad may have even legitimately won the election - I don't know. I do know one thing though. The images of the Neda woman will not be fleeting. I think they'll stand the test of time. I'm curious to see how this all pans out.
Wouldn't it be a fascinating development if the mullahs temporarily ban the use of cell phones and twittering because they "claim it's subversive to Islam" and "treasonous behavior designed to overthrow the existing government." Talk about oppression... If they could pull off something like that on such a massive scale, well, let's just say... for the love of Allah.
I'm thinking the use of twitter, despite the communication clampdown by the theocratic thugs, will be used heavily during the variety of ensuing phases of this rebellion. I'm assuming there will be continued protests. I could be wrong. Tehran is an incredibly modern, spread out city. It actually resembles Phoenix, AZ. It would be exceedingly difficult to mobilize the revolutionary guard and various govt. militia representatives to combat infrequent, sudden looting. This is the shit twitter was made for. Coordinating mass chaos in an instant. They've mentioned repeatedly on CNN, using twitter, that the timing and location of future protests must be kept secret right up until crunchtime. Well, there you go.
It'll be interesting to see if a group of well-coordinated citizens could take out a pipeline or something of monetary value. In the long run, torching a bus/ambulance has little effect. Of course, when over a hundred thousand people defy the Supreme Leader and participate in street protests - this is definitely an important component. But I suspect the military apparatus and conventional police forces will wear them down over time. I'm definitely not in tune with the general vibe on the streets of Tehran. I get my info like everyone else - mostly CNN/MSNBC and occasionally the BBC. Fox is so far out of the mainstream, one can hardly fathom how they could be viewed as a credible source of information in the Middle East.
Seriously though, the political upheaval, specifically in the capital city of Tehran, seems ripe for sudden and highly focused looting via twittering and other instant messaging forums. I guess it's dependent on how effectively the govt. can crack down on the existing communication systems. Obviously, they can kick out virtually every foreign news correspondent, but you just can't effectively impose martial law when everyone (particularly the youth) have cell phones with video messaging capabilities. I think the images of the 20 yr. old Neda Girl will have vast, far reaching implications. It reminds me of the guy who stood before the tank in Tianamin Square. Whether or not there's a political transformation or change in Iran - I don't know. In fact, I think it's plausible to say that A-Jad may have even legitimately won the election - I don't know. I do know one thing though. The images of the Neda woman will not be fleeting. I think they'll stand the test of time. I'm curious to see how this all pans out.
Wouldn't it be a fascinating development if the mullahs temporarily ban the use of cell phones and twittering because they "claim it's subversive to Islam" and "treasonous behavior designed to overthrow the existing government." Talk about oppression... If they could pull off something like that on such a massive scale, well, let's just say... for the love of Allah.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Holla back, asshole
Late Friday night after the Pens won the cup, Jepsonian calls me, "Hey I've got free tickets to the No Doubt concert tomorrow night. Wanna go?" I forgot all about it until the next day. It was an unusual foursome - Me, Jepson, Cheyenne and Katrina. I half-heartedly agreed to drive, mainly for purposes of quality control. The crew seemed a bit disorganized, mostly cooler and beverage issues. When I saw the green apple Bacardi and the kahlua espresso beverages, I knew something was a tad askew. I usually prefer to keep things very streamlined - case of beer, bag of ice - done.
En route, we stopped at a "luau" in Follanbsee which was actually a birthday party for a 5 year old girl Sydney. Nice crew of pleasant individuals. This was probably a decent idea since I wasn't sure a No Doubt parking lot is my kind of tailgating scene. Later on, I would stand to be corrected.
On the way in, Katrina snagged a freebie VIP parking pass from a family in a minivan. They were impressed with my Red Wings sign. It says RED WINGS, but then you lift up the cardboard flap, and it reads SUCK COCK. Not exactly an awe-inspiring message but every once in a while you go with old school simplicity. I made other signs as well...
HOLLA BACK, ASSHOLE
SUSAN BOYLE IS HOT, GWEN STEFANI IS NOT
These twins died for your sins (pic of Chrisagis Brothers from the Saturday Faith section of the newspaper)
LET THERE BE NO DOUBT, WE ARE GAY
PALIN SUCKS (and so does her daughter)
and a few other miscellaneous Penguins signs. Most were well received.
I'd say about 18,000 people showed up for this thing. I was expecting a 20 something crowd of screaming girls. What I failed to anticipate was the massive throng of "emo-fagolicious vampires." The closest approximation would be a youthful version of the gay pride Mardi Gras pararde in New Orleans. They really came out in full force. Some of these guys have no shame. They really let it all hang out. It made for some highly impressive people watching at the top of the steps. My motto has always been "Let them come to us." And sure enough, they came. The weather really helped out - many of the morbidly obese women were accompanied by their homophonic leaning boyfriends/husbands. This would be a recurring theme. One woman would be adorned with the title - Green Manalushi with a two-pronged gunt. Others had multi-tiered gunts proudly displayed with a reckless temerity I've grown accustomed to seeing at similar concerts. Ahhh, the impudent effrontery.
The girls zipped in to see the opening band - Paramore. They had pavilion seats, we had lawn. I was more than content to just have a few beers and wait for No Doubt. We made our way in at crunch time and headed for the lower steps. I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of jubilation when the band took the stage. I will say one thing - Their fans truly love this band. The band itself sounded fine. I guess they pride themselves on being the zaniest, melodramatic band of all time. Gwen Stefani runs around the stage yelling "Uhhh Uhhh Ooooh Oooooh " about every 10 seconds. I don't think it matters what the song is. This appears to be her trademark. She'd also be doing pushups and a wide variety of calisthenics.
The other band members aroused deep within me an urge to spontaneously vomit. The drummer, with the spiked out hair wore a tutu. The trumpet playing fuck was almost as annoying. During Stefani's costume changes, the band would go off on these bizarre fun-filled unrelenting ska tangents. They were just soooo crazy. Honestly though, I've never seen anything quite like it. Remember in your 20's where you'd always know a few girls who had the gay boyfriends because they were non-abusive and liked to go clothes shopping. They'd live in a continual state of denial because their prior boyfriend was some 4-wheeling drunk abusive asshole. Ohhh, he's not gay. He's just sensitive and he likes to "dress up." I think he's hot. Then, over the course of a few months, the eyeliner and excessive hair gel commences. Then, the occasional high pitched gay tantrum. Finally, the other man emerges and threatens the current girlfriend, "I don't think so honey! Don't go there girlfriend." Well, I'd say this faction comprised a pretty convincing percentage of the attendees. Kind of like the Kurds in Iraq. Sequestered to the North, they operate independently and reject the usual societal norms. Well, not last night as it was their time to shine. This was their night.
As we exited, a 20 year old girl was lying in a fetal position on the asphalt. Her friends were trying to get her to move, but she wouldn't budge. As the EMT golf cart showed up, we both simultaneously remarked, "Somebody help her! Somebody do something!" She staggered to her feet and started screaming at her friends, "Why wouldn't someone help me?" Jepson and I flashed each other a look of credulity and we both remarked (again simultaneously) "That's what we were trying to do! We were trying to help!" It provided a nice dose of circular closure for the evening. Sometimes you really want to help people, but as much as you try, they just don't want your help.
En route, we stopped at a "luau" in Follanbsee which was actually a birthday party for a 5 year old girl Sydney. Nice crew of pleasant individuals. This was probably a decent idea since I wasn't sure a No Doubt parking lot is my kind of tailgating scene. Later on, I would stand to be corrected.
On the way in, Katrina snagged a freebie VIP parking pass from a family in a minivan. They were impressed with my Red Wings sign. It says RED WINGS, but then you lift up the cardboard flap, and it reads SUCK COCK. Not exactly an awe-inspiring message but every once in a while you go with old school simplicity. I made other signs as well...
HOLLA BACK, ASSHOLE
SUSAN BOYLE IS HOT, GWEN STEFANI IS NOT
These twins died for your sins (pic of Chrisagis Brothers from the Saturday Faith section of the newspaper)
LET THERE BE NO DOUBT, WE ARE GAY
PALIN SUCKS (and so does her daughter)
and a few other miscellaneous Penguins signs. Most were well received.
I'd say about 18,000 people showed up for this thing. I was expecting a 20 something crowd of screaming girls. What I failed to anticipate was the massive throng of "emo-fagolicious vampires." The closest approximation would be a youthful version of the gay pride Mardi Gras pararde in New Orleans. They really came out in full force. Some of these guys have no shame. They really let it all hang out. It made for some highly impressive people watching at the top of the steps. My motto has always been "Let them come to us." And sure enough, they came. The weather really helped out - many of the morbidly obese women were accompanied by their homophonic leaning boyfriends/husbands. This would be a recurring theme. One woman would be adorned with the title - Green Manalushi with a two-pronged gunt. Others had multi-tiered gunts proudly displayed with a reckless temerity I've grown accustomed to seeing at similar concerts. Ahhh, the impudent effrontery.
The girls zipped in to see the opening band - Paramore. They had pavilion seats, we had lawn. I was more than content to just have a few beers and wait for No Doubt. We made our way in at crunch time and headed for the lower steps. I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of jubilation when the band took the stage. I will say one thing - Their fans truly love this band. The band itself sounded fine. I guess they pride themselves on being the zaniest, melodramatic band of all time. Gwen Stefani runs around the stage yelling "Uhhh Uhhh Ooooh Oooooh " about every 10 seconds. I don't think it matters what the song is. This appears to be her trademark. She'd also be doing pushups and a wide variety of calisthenics.
The other band members aroused deep within me an urge to spontaneously vomit. The drummer, with the spiked out hair wore a tutu. The trumpet playing fuck was almost as annoying. During Stefani's costume changes, the band would go off on these bizarre fun-filled unrelenting ska tangents. They were just soooo crazy. Honestly though, I've never seen anything quite like it. Remember in your 20's where you'd always know a few girls who had the gay boyfriends because they were non-abusive and liked to go clothes shopping. They'd live in a continual state of denial because their prior boyfriend was some 4-wheeling drunk abusive asshole. Ohhh, he's not gay. He's just sensitive and he likes to "dress up." I think he's hot. Then, over the course of a few months, the eyeliner and excessive hair gel commences. Then, the occasional high pitched gay tantrum. Finally, the other man emerges and threatens the current girlfriend, "I don't think so honey! Don't go there girlfriend." Well, I'd say this faction comprised a pretty convincing percentage of the attendees. Kind of like the Kurds in Iraq. Sequestered to the North, they operate independently and reject the usual societal norms. Well, not last night as it was their time to shine. This was their night.
As we exited, a 20 year old girl was lying in a fetal position on the asphalt. Her friends were trying to get her to move, but she wouldn't budge. As the EMT golf cart showed up, we both simultaneously remarked, "Somebody help her! Somebody do something!" She staggered to her feet and started screaming at her friends, "Why wouldn't someone help me?" Jepson and I flashed each other a look of credulity and we both remarked (again simultaneously) "That's what we were trying to do! We were trying to help!" It provided a nice dose of circular closure for the evening. Sometimes you really want to help people, but as much as you try, they just don't want your help.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Go Pencils
So I'm watching a Sopranos rerun yesterday on A&E. Tony B. says to Carmella, "I make a mean Rusty Nail." I had heard of this drink a few times. Never having seen one, I wondered what's in it. So I google it, and lo and behold, the main component is Dewars! I actually spoke out loud, alone in my kitchen at 9:30am, "Hey, that's my drink! I drink that stuff!" I normally try not to talk to myself.
So a Rusty Nail is 3 parts Dewars, 1 part Drambuie - over ice. I figure, hey this might be good. I'll go buy a bottle of Drambuie. So I go to CVS and buy a bottle of this stuff for $30. That seems pretty expensive for a "Scottish liqueur crafted with aged malt whiskies, spiced honey and a recipe kept secret since 1745." I figured, if the Pens win tonight, I'm going to celebrate with a Rusty Nail.
So later last night, me and Chris H. are at Tony and Cleos and I ask Kara if she has ever had a Rusty Nail. She looks at me and gives this "ohhh, that drink is gross and disgusting - you want one of those?" I respond affirmatively. We try it. This has got to be the most disgusting beverage ever conceived. Drambuie tastes a lot like overly sweetened licorice infused Jagermeister with just a slight hint of ass. It totally overpowered the defenseless Dewars. It's kind of reminiscent of those white trash fuckheads who submerge sauerkraut with an enormous quantity of brown sugar. You know who you are.
Anyway, I've got this unopened bottle of Drambuie. I ditched the receipt when I left CVS, but I'm going to try and return it today. I'm pretty sure I will be successful. There's a CVS tag on the bottle and the seal isn't broken. I just don't wish to have any further contact with this Drambuie bullshit.
Anyway, it seems like the playoffs have been going on for about 6 weeks or so. Every single day, you read the endless cries on Facebook. Continue a Pens wave or "Let's go Pens" or Tina is a fan of Evgeni Malkin, click here to become a fan or "Pixburgh - City of Champions N'at" or "Bring back the Cup" or "I Love Crosby." OK. I get it. Seriously, I have gotten it about 50 times or so.
Now for the reality check. Detroit is something like 12-1 at Joe Louis Arena in the playoffs this year. I think their sole loss was an overtime defeat against Chicago. Basically, at home they appear invincible. The oddsmakers have the Red Wings favored, but it's hockey so the line is pretty tight. Nothing out of the ordinary there. HOWEVER, all the pressure is on Detroit. You know who lives in Detroit (well, Clarkston) - my Uncle Dick. Er uhhh, I mean Uncle Jack. Is this of any relevance? Possibly.
You see, there'd be a strange sense of poetic justice if the Pens win the Cup tonight. Pixburgh is the City of Champions. Detroit is home to General Motors, the hapless Detroit Lions, and of course my Uncle Jack. I have this odd feeling in my gut that everything comes full circle tonight. Normally, I'd want to host a Game 7, but my neighbor fuckface is having two slabs of his concrete driveway resurfaced. Technically, you can get through without driving over the concrete but the margin for error is slim and I lack the requisite confidence in several potential attendees. Fuckface even erected two wooden blockades that read "Driveway closed till Monday" - yes, "till" is misspelled. I might go down and scratch out the other "L".
It just seems like all the stars are aligned for a good night of contrasts.
With all this in mind, I think Detroit goes down.
Penguins 4
Red Wings 2
In keeping with the utter zaniness, I'll go WAY OUT on a limb and give the empty net goal to Fleury. GO PENCILS!
So a Rusty Nail is 3 parts Dewars, 1 part Drambuie - over ice. I figure, hey this might be good. I'll go buy a bottle of Drambuie. So I go to CVS and buy a bottle of this stuff for $30. That seems pretty expensive for a "Scottish liqueur crafted with aged malt whiskies, spiced honey and a recipe kept secret since 1745." I figured, if the Pens win tonight, I'm going to celebrate with a Rusty Nail.
So later last night, me and Chris H. are at Tony and Cleos and I ask Kara if she has ever had a Rusty Nail. She looks at me and gives this "ohhh, that drink is gross and disgusting - you want one of those?" I respond affirmatively. We try it. This has got to be the most disgusting beverage ever conceived. Drambuie tastes a lot like overly sweetened licorice infused Jagermeister with just a slight hint of ass. It totally overpowered the defenseless Dewars. It's kind of reminiscent of those white trash fuckheads who submerge sauerkraut with an enormous quantity of brown sugar. You know who you are.
Anyway, I've got this unopened bottle of Drambuie. I ditched the receipt when I left CVS, but I'm going to try and return it today. I'm pretty sure I will be successful. There's a CVS tag on the bottle and the seal isn't broken. I just don't wish to have any further contact with this Drambuie bullshit.
Anyway, it seems like the playoffs have been going on for about 6 weeks or so. Every single day, you read the endless cries on Facebook. Continue a Pens wave or "Let's go Pens" or Tina is a fan of Evgeni Malkin, click here to become a fan or "Pixburgh - City of Champions N'at" or "Bring back the Cup" or "I Love Crosby." OK. I get it. Seriously, I have gotten it about 50 times or so.
Now for the reality check. Detroit is something like 12-1 at Joe Louis Arena in the playoffs this year. I think their sole loss was an overtime defeat against Chicago. Basically, at home they appear invincible. The oddsmakers have the Red Wings favored, but it's hockey so the line is pretty tight. Nothing out of the ordinary there. HOWEVER, all the pressure is on Detroit. You know who lives in Detroit (well, Clarkston) - my Uncle Dick. Er uhhh, I mean Uncle Jack. Is this of any relevance? Possibly.
You see, there'd be a strange sense of poetic justice if the Pens win the Cup tonight. Pixburgh is the City of Champions. Detroit is home to General Motors, the hapless Detroit Lions, and of course my Uncle Jack. I have this odd feeling in my gut that everything comes full circle tonight. Normally, I'd want to host a Game 7, but my neighbor fuckface is having two slabs of his concrete driveway resurfaced. Technically, you can get through without driving over the concrete but the margin for error is slim and I lack the requisite confidence in several potential attendees. Fuckface even erected two wooden blockades that read "Driveway closed till Monday" - yes, "till" is misspelled. I might go down and scratch out the other "L".
It just seems like all the stars are aligned for a good night of contrasts.
With all this in mind, I think Detroit goes down.
Penguins 4
Red Wings 2
In keeping with the utter zaniness, I'll go WAY OUT on a limb and give the empty net goal to Fleury. GO PENCILS!
Friday, June 05, 2009
Wheeling CDBG idea
The city of Wheeling just got about $400,000 as part of a federal Community Development Block Grant-Recovery program. So we get almost a half million bucks and the city council morons (with the exception of James Tiu) want to spend it on upgrading the restrooms in the Capitol Music Hall. The main thrust of this objective is to make them handicap accessible. While I honestly sympathize with the plight of the handicapped, this must be the most fucking retarded waste of money I've ever seen.
First and foremost, the Capitol Music Hall is currently not in operation. The symphony left years ago. Every once in a blue moon, a mid range touring act would show up. And there'd also be the annual Linsly Extravaganza (gay). But right now, the doors are locked. As if renovating the restrooms is going to usher in this new era of downtown prosperity.
There's a reason no private entity wants to buy the Capitol. It isn't financially viable. It would cost a shitload to upgrade it, let alone heat the thing in the winter. It also needs a working sprinkler system to comply with existing fire codes. It also has some kind of rodent infestation issues going on in the back. I'm not entirely anti-Capitol Music Hall. It's a spectacular venue. But throwing a half million dollars at it??? What the fuck is that?
We've already got a venue (the Wheeling Island Ballroom) which can host an event for about 1,000. Granted, the Capitol is about 2,000, but there's the Pepsi Cola Roadhouse near Weirton which already has a lock on those mid-range touring acts. The Palace Theatre in Greensburg is marginally successful, but they feed off a nearby population base of over a million. Wheeling feeds off Rush Limbaugh admirers and General Tso, Bloomin Onion eating fucks.
Ok. So here's the half-million dollar question. "Fuck you Saf! What would you do with the money?"
I would build a BOARDWALK that starts at the South end of Wheeling Island and goes along the Ohio river all the way to suspension bridge. I'm not an expert on the price of lumber, but I imagine the cost and labor would be somewhere in the range of 500 lodge. Perhaps more I suppose. Wheeling could become known as the fake Atlantic City. We've already got the casino style gambling. Never underestimate the allure and convenience of I-70. It's the third most heavily traveled interstate in the country. Plus, we've now got those cool "I-70" fast lane logos on the pavement. Nice.
The Victorian houses along South Front could be used as trinket & craft shops. Let's face it. Most of the dumbshits who go to the casino are these little old ladies (some are corpulent) from Zanesville, Cambridge and elsewhere in Ohio. These are the types that eat up that shit. Beanie babies, I LOVE WHEELING t-shirts, crappy fake jewelry and sweatshirts that read "Grandma's my name and Spoiling's my game" - this shit is the sole purpose of their putrid existence. Plus, I think all of South Front is already zoned for light business and some of those homes are impressive, from an architectural standpoint. Some people dig those non-insulated Victorian houses that cost $800/month to heat in the winter. Oh yeah, get on the budget asshole.
Another plus, it connects the Island with downtown Wheeling - this would help boost attendance with the Italian Fest, the Jazz Fest and the African American jubilee thing. And the hike isn't really that far, maybe about 3/4 mile up and back. And it would also showcase the Suspension Bridge.
It would also blend in well with all the fitness/walking trails already in existence. I know it's not fashionable around here to encourage outdoor exercise among the morbidly obese church going WV Northern Baptists who proudly display their collective gunts (gunt is the more aggressive terminology of pussy pillow - it is a combination of both "gut" and "cunt").
And the damn thing would be indestructible when the Island floods, as I'm sure it will again eventually. Plus, most of that area is the highest elevation on the Island. South Front has always been the least affected by the floods, except for the houses on the end.
It also has proximity to the Wheeling Island Stadium for football games and the occasional rock concert (Styx and/or Dwight Yoakim this summer) - probably more to come in the future. I'm sure you could install some decent inexpensive lighting to dissuade the flasher weirdo fucks that regularly frequent the other paths around town. People might actually go downtown to eat (not something I'd currently recommend to friends of mine). Perhaps for my enemies - Nail City or River Shitty is appropriate. Those appetizers kick ass - Vomitous infused gruel w/ excremental topping is a Benwood favorite, or so I've heard.
The main component of my idea - if you want to do something to invigorate downtown Wheeling, why not try to catapult off one of the few successful businesses in Wheeling - the casino. Hell, the casino is already above the law with the whole nonsensical exemption of the indoor smoking ban. Maybe we could use that to our advantage to actually improve things in this god-forsaken wasteland of a town.
By the way, instead of spending a half million on handicapped restrooms, here's an idea from a 3rd grader at Woodsdale Elementary School. "Mommy, why don't they just bring in an oversized handicapped port-a-potty for the 3 or 4 people at the event." I hate to say it but that solution is just way too easy.
Honestly, we could be the "fake Atlantic City." I prefer that over Wheeltown. Slightly.
First and foremost, the Capitol Music Hall is currently not in operation. The symphony left years ago. Every once in a blue moon, a mid range touring act would show up. And there'd also be the annual Linsly Extravaganza (gay). But right now, the doors are locked. As if renovating the restrooms is going to usher in this new era of downtown prosperity.
There's a reason no private entity wants to buy the Capitol. It isn't financially viable. It would cost a shitload to upgrade it, let alone heat the thing in the winter. It also needs a working sprinkler system to comply with existing fire codes. It also has some kind of rodent infestation issues going on in the back. I'm not entirely anti-Capitol Music Hall. It's a spectacular venue. But throwing a half million dollars at it??? What the fuck is that?
We've already got a venue (the Wheeling Island Ballroom) which can host an event for about 1,000. Granted, the Capitol is about 2,000, but there's the Pepsi Cola Roadhouse near Weirton which already has a lock on those mid-range touring acts. The Palace Theatre in Greensburg is marginally successful, but they feed off a nearby population base of over a million. Wheeling feeds off Rush Limbaugh admirers and General Tso, Bloomin Onion eating fucks.
Ok. So here's the half-million dollar question. "Fuck you Saf! What would you do with the money?"
I would build a BOARDWALK that starts at the South end of Wheeling Island and goes along the Ohio river all the way to suspension bridge. I'm not an expert on the price of lumber, but I imagine the cost and labor would be somewhere in the range of 500 lodge. Perhaps more I suppose. Wheeling could become known as the fake Atlantic City. We've already got the casino style gambling. Never underestimate the allure and convenience of I-70. It's the third most heavily traveled interstate in the country. Plus, we've now got those cool "I-70" fast lane logos on the pavement. Nice.
The Victorian houses along South Front could be used as trinket & craft shops. Let's face it. Most of the dumbshits who go to the casino are these little old ladies (some are corpulent) from Zanesville, Cambridge and elsewhere in Ohio. These are the types that eat up that shit. Beanie babies, I LOVE WHEELING t-shirts, crappy fake jewelry and sweatshirts that read "Grandma's my name and Spoiling's my game" - this shit is the sole purpose of their putrid existence. Plus, I think all of South Front is already zoned for light business and some of those homes are impressive, from an architectural standpoint. Some people dig those non-insulated Victorian houses that cost $800/month to heat in the winter. Oh yeah, get on the budget asshole.
Another plus, it connects the Island with downtown Wheeling - this would help boost attendance with the Italian Fest, the Jazz Fest and the African American jubilee thing. And the hike isn't really that far, maybe about 3/4 mile up and back. And it would also showcase the Suspension Bridge.
It would also blend in well with all the fitness/walking trails already in existence. I know it's not fashionable around here to encourage outdoor exercise among the morbidly obese church going WV Northern Baptists who proudly display their collective gunts (gunt is the more aggressive terminology of pussy pillow - it is a combination of both "gut" and "cunt").
And the damn thing would be indestructible when the Island floods, as I'm sure it will again eventually. Plus, most of that area is the highest elevation on the Island. South Front has always been the least affected by the floods, except for the houses on the end.
It also has proximity to the Wheeling Island Stadium for football games and the occasional rock concert (Styx and/or Dwight Yoakim this summer) - probably more to come in the future. I'm sure you could install some decent inexpensive lighting to dissuade the flasher weirdo fucks that regularly frequent the other paths around town. People might actually go downtown to eat (not something I'd currently recommend to friends of mine). Perhaps for my enemies - Nail City or River Shitty is appropriate. Those appetizers kick ass - Vomitous infused gruel w/ excremental topping is a Benwood favorite, or so I've heard.
The main component of my idea - if you want to do something to invigorate downtown Wheeling, why not try to catapult off one of the few successful businesses in Wheeling - the casino. Hell, the casino is already above the law with the whole nonsensical exemption of the indoor smoking ban. Maybe we could use that to our advantage to actually improve things in this god-forsaken wasteland of a town.
By the way, instead of spending a half million on handicapped restrooms, here's an idea from a 3rd grader at Woodsdale Elementary School. "Mommy, why don't they just bring in an oversized handicapped port-a-potty for the 3 or 4 people at the event." I hate to say it but that solution is just way too easy.
Honestly, we could be the "fake Atlantic City." I prefer that over Wheeltown. Slightly.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Coldplay
Jess and me hit the Coldplay concert at Starlake. 4 years ago a bunch of us went up to see them. Neither of us could believe that show was FOUR years ago. Time flies. Finding tickets was rough. The weather was fantastic so there was an unusually big walk-up crowd. We managed to scrounge up a couple (one for $20, one for face) and zipped in.
This band truly understands how to deliver a concert. All aspects of the show were "larger than life." In a way, they remind me of Pink Floyd. Regardless of whether you enjoy their music, Coldplay has this rich, encompassing sound. They make you feel as if you're in a stadium atmosphere. Perhaps that's why the show was so compelling. They brought a European Soccer stadium stage show into a 20,000 seat venue.
I'm not going to recant all the details, but this show really took you for a ride. Great choice for the opener - Violet Hill. They unleashed about 100 giant yellow, inflatable beach balls during Yellow. The set list was a solid mix of old and new tunes. Tremendous version of Fix You. There was a 3 song acoustic/skitlike performance on the East side of the lawn, complete with a "Let's Go Pens" chant and the first "cell-phone wave," which I'd be willing to admit was a little on the gay side. Alright, it was steeped in fagocity. They encored with Politik and some other stuff.
As you exited the ampitheatre, everyone got a free Coldplay cd with 9 tunes on it (all live recordings). I've been pushing this idea for years. I can't believe that a band out there finally took my advice. This is a fantastic way to build customer loyalty. It's incredibly cheap and easy as well. And listening to the songs on the way home from the show helps reinforce your enjoyment of the evening. Kind of like a salivating Pavlovian dog.
Major label bands have got to realize that the days of making money off their cds is OVER. All the material is readily available online and every conceivable video is pasted on youtube. Get over it. Make money through merchandising and touring. That's the way it should be anyway. In a strange way, the proliferation of free music has improved the music industry. The real bands will find a way to survive. It's amazes me that Metallica still hasn't figured this out. They're still trying to sue some Ohio State dickhead for using Enter Sandman on his myspace page.
This band truly understands how to deliver a concert. All aspects of the show were "larger than life." In a way, they remind me of Pink Floyd. Regardless of whether you enjoy their music, Coldplay has this rich, encompassing sound. They make you feel as if you're in a stadium atmosphere. Perhaps that's why the show was so compelling. They brought a European Soccer stadium stage show into a 20,000 seat venue.
I'm not going to recant all the details, but this show really took you for a ride. Great choice for the opener - Violet Hill. They unleashed about 100 giant yellow, inflatable beach balls during Yellow. The set list was a solid mix of old and new tunes. Tremendous version of Fix You. There was a 3 song acoustic/skitlike performance on the East side of the lawn, complete with a "Let's Go Pens" chant and the first "cell-phone wave," which I'd be willing to admit was a little on the gay side. Alright, it was steeped in fagocity. They encored with Politik and some other stuff.
As you exited the ampitheatre, everyone got a free Coldplay cd with 9 tunes on it (all live recordings). I've been pushing this idea for years. I can't believe that a band out there finally took my advice. This is a fantastic way to build customer loyalty. It's incredibly cheap and easy as well. And listening to the songs on the way home from the show helps reinforce your enjoyment of the evening. Kind of like a salivating Pavlovian dog.
Major label bands have got to realize that the days of making money off their cds is OVER. All the material is readily available online and every conceivable video is pasted on youtube. Get over it. Make money through merchandising and touring. That's the way it should be anyway. In a strange way, the proliferation of free music has improved the music industry. The real bands will find a way to survive. It's amazes me that Metallica still hasn't figured this out. They're still trying to sue some Ohio State dickhead for using Enter Sandman on his myspace page.
Friday, May 29, 2009
G-20 summit, in Pittsburgh???
Alright, they just announced the G-20 for Pittsburgh, PA on September 24,25. What in the name of God are these organizers thinking? Pittsburgh is an absolute logistical nightmare for an event like this. For those unfamiliar with the G-20, it's a group of govt. insiders from the 20 most "industrialized" countries on the planet, with the exception of Pakistan, Iran and other countries we don't care for. These people get together every so often and discuss policies mostly regarding trade and world commerce.
Back to the logistical nightmare. Does anyone remember the World Trade Organization riots from Seattle in 1999. Basically, the hoodlums bashed in every store front window they could find over a 4-day period. People got tear-gassed, they called in the National Guard an imposed a citywide curfew. Nothing much got accomplished at this WTO meeting. It was generally regarded as a failure. More importantly, world leaders learned that it's not advisable to have a major gathering with worldly implications in a city with a proven track record of volatility.
Enter Pittsburgh. They're having this 2 day meeting at the David Lawrence Convention Center nestled between downtown and the Strip District. Obviously, you can't just shut down traffic entering downtown. However, you can always close a few bridges leading to the North Shore, or at the very least restrict them to foot traffic only. They shut down the Roberto Clemente bridge for Sunday ballgames at PNC and it doesn't really have a big impact. But that's on a Sunday and the G-20 summit will fall on a Thursday and Friday. Just for the record, here's the Pirates schedule. Normally, our beloved Pirates don't draw a big crowd. But these are good weather games in late September.
Wednesday, Sept. 23 against the Reds, 7:05pm
Thursday, Sept. 24 against the Reds, 12:05pm (afternoon game)
Friday, Sept. 25 against the Dodgers, 7:05pm
Why am I mentioning this? Well, I have a strong hunch the city police might try to set up protest zones on the North Shore. You could close down the 9th and 16th St. bridges and try to redirect the hoodlums across the river. Wouldn't it be crazy if the rioters go nuts on the other side of the river? They might start overturning cars near PNC Park! They'd be pissed they aren't allowed across the bridges. That Thursday afternoon game could descend into chaos if the Pittsburgh cops start launching tear gas and using water cannons. Fuck that! Take me out to the ballgame. Buy me some peanuts and crackerjack! These Pirate fans might get more than they bargained for. Hardly a relaxing day at PNC. And the Buccos will still find a way to lose.
Downtown Pittsburgh cops have a good track record, I guess. But they mostly deal with traffic issues and parking tickets, along with the occasional other mindless shit at Steelers games. But I seriously doubt they have experience dealing with dedicated hooliganism and widespread rioting.
If they try and keep the protesters in The Strip District - this could work. They've got all those parking lots right before you hit the Strip. The problem is you just can't keep these people contained in a nice little protest zone. How will you distinguish them from everybody else who works downtown? I guess the anarchy symbols and tattoo weirdos and 50 nose rings might distinguish them. Wait a minute - that's the entire Art & Culinary Institutes. Not too mention all the hipster dufuses that hang out in the Strip and downtown.
There are just too many urine laden alleys, dark crevasses, odd corner intersections,
and all the regular downtown Pittsburgh weirdos an n'at. I suspect bad things. I suspect it will start the night before with the potential for Mayor SteelerStaal calling up the National Guard. I look for lots of smashed storefront smashed windows along Penn and Liberty. The Strip District could descend into complete chaos. The arts and theater district w/ the Byham, Benedum and about 6 other venues are also in the line of fire. What can be done about this? Probably nothing.
I might get a hotel for a night or two. I'm thinking maybe the Renaissance which is in the heart of the action. I suspect they're already maxed out. But there are several other hotels in downtown. The Renaissance would provide the best vantage point though. Anybody with me?
Back to the logistical nightmare. Does anyone remember the World Trade Organization riots from Seattle in 1999. Basically, the hoodlums bashed in every store front window they could find over a 4-day period. People got tear-gassed, they called in the National Guard an imposed a citywide curfew. Nothing much got accomplished at this WTO meeting. It was generally regarded as a failure. More importantly, world leaders learned that it's not advisable to have a major gathering with worldly implications in a city with a proven track record of volatility.
Enter Pittsburgh. They're having this 2 day meeting at the David Lawrence Convention Center nestled between downtown and the Strip District. Obviously, you can't just shut down traffic entering downtown. However, you can always close a few bridges leading to the North Shore, or at the very least restrict them to foot traffic only. They shut down the Roberto Clemente bridge for Sunday ballgames at PNC and it doesn't really have a big impact. But that's on a Sunday and the G-20 summit will fall on a Thursday and Friday. Just for the record, here's the Pirates schedule. Normally, our beloved Pirates don't draw a big crowd. But these are good weather games in late September.
Wednesday, Sept. 23 against the Reds, 7:05pm
Thursday, Sept. 24 against the Reds, 12:05pm (afternoon game)
Friday, Sept. 25 against the Dodgers, 7:05pm
Why am I mentioning this? Well, I have a strong hunch the city police might try to set up protest zones on the North Shore. You could close down the 9th and 16th St. bridges and try to redirect the hoodlums across the river. Wouldn't it be crazy if the rioters go nuts on the other side of the river? They might start overturning cars near PNC Park! They'd be pissed they aren't allowed across the bridges. That Thursday afternoon game could descend into chaos if the Pittsburgh cops start launching tear gas and using water cannons. Fuck that! Take me out to the ballgame. Buy me some peanuts and crackerjack! These Pirate fans might get more than they bargained for. Hardly a relaxing day at PNC. And the Buccos will still find a way to lose.
Downtown Pittsburgh cops have a good track record, I guess. But they mostly deal with traffic issues and parking tickets, along with the occasional other mindless shit at Steelers games. But I seriously doubt they have experience dealing with dedicated hooliganism and widespread rioting.
If they try and keep the protesters in The Strip District - this could work. They've got all those parking lots right before you hit the Strip. The problem is you just can't keep these people contained in a nice little protest zone. How will you distinguish them from everybody else who works downtown? I guess the anarchy symbols and tattoo weirdos and 50 nose rings might distinguish them. Wait a minute - that's the entire Art & Culinary Institutes. Not too mention all the hipster dufuses that hang out in the Strip and downtown.
There are just too many urine laden alleys, dark crevasses, odd corner intersections,
and all the regular downtown Pittsburgh weirdos an n'at. I suspect bad things. I suspect it will start the night before with the potential for Mayor SteelerStaal calling up the National Guard. I look for lots of smashed storefront smashed windows along Penn and Liberty. The Strip District could descend into complete chaos. The arts and theater district w/ the Byham, Benedum and about 6 other venues are also in the line of fire. What can be done about this? Probably nothing.
I might get a hotel for a night or two. I'm thinking maybe the Renaissance which is in the heart of the action. I suspect they're already maxed out. But there are several other hotels in downtown. The Renaissance would provide the best vantage point though. Anybody with me?
Friday, May 22, 2009
letter about the pole
Alright, here's the letter I'm going to send my neighbor regarding his pole. I made a few changes.
May 23, 2009
Dear Bill,
I feel absolutely horrible about everything that's recently happened. Please let me assure you that I harbor no ill will. When you called me on Thursday, May 21 at 1:48 pm... well, needless to say, it was quite a shock. Considering we hadn't spoken in probably 3 years, I was just kind of surprised. And then you used the f-word on me about 62 times in less than 11 minutes. Well let's just say, I could tell you were agitated and upset. It upset me as well. I know you're from Philadelphia. A good friend of mine is from Philly and he curses a lot too. Not that much though.
Let me just say that I'm sorry my friend leaned on your wooden pole. In all honesty, it was corroded at the bottom and fell over. It almost landed on his foot. I think it's a god-blessing nobody got hurt. Although it was only about 15 ft. high and had a width of 19", the result could have been horrific. What if it had landed on his head? Brian's head would have been seriously dented. LOL. But it's certainly nothing to joke about. He told me he felt really bad, but didn't know he was on your property. He didn't know where my property ended and yours started. He even thought the pole was mine. When it started to tip over, he thought it would just be best to make sure it didn't fall and hurt somebody. That's why he threw it in the fire and burned half of it. I didn't even know until the next morning. I made sure to save the other half and leaned it up against the well. I kind of thought you might be relieved when you saw the rest of it. That way you'd be able to figure out what happened. Boy was I wrong. Brian (his nickname is Tuffy) wants to apologize but I wasn't sure if you wanted to talk to him - if you want, I can give you his number.
I'm always trying to be a good neighbor and that starts with mowing the lawn. I've got to admit, I love the exercise. It's a fantastic workout. In fact, I just ran the Ogden 5K today. I finished with a good pace - 8:33 per mile. They listed me as...
Eric Satersreic, 38, Wheeling, WV - 26:32
How about that? Can you believe they messed up my name that badly?
But the point about me and the lawn - we've always used that pole to delineate the property boundary. I just wanted to point out that I always mow that 10 square ft or so. Doesn't sound like much. I think you own about an acre. Me too, hee hee hee. I know the pole is technically on your property, but nobody ever goes there. Well, except your maintenance crew. You must have 4 of those guys who come all the time. Thank you so much for being concerned about the environment!
So here's what happened. My buddy just leaned up against that old pole. It was late and dark and oh boy, was it pouring down rain that night. Sure enough, the darn pole started to move. The base of the pole was soooo corroded from all the water that settles there. Also, I think it was hit by the old lady (somebody famous) who 2 months ago drove over my hillside. I think she probably bumped into it as well. Her car weighs a lot more than Brian! And I can't believe she drove into your pool. Uggghhhh! And to top it off, the tow truck tore up my lawn when they towed her out. The tow company called me and asked if it was okay they come through my property to remove her car! I was like, well of course you can drive through. We need to get that car out of Bill's pool. How else would they have managed to remove it? I hope you're not upset with her and taking it it out on me. I just want you to know, when I heard about your pool tarp getting ripped apart, I was just as upset! Not sure about the whole thing - I was in Pittsburgh that night, but it was absolutely crazy! Thank God nobody got hurt. There were tire ruts all through my yard! I talked to her son about it and he apologized on her behalf. Not sure if you talked with either of them - I know you like to be left alone but you need to know that she felt horrible about the mishap. I wanted to talk to you about it, but only mentioned it to your housekeeper Karen. She couldn't believe all that happened either. I just want you to know that I know where you're coming from. Wheeling's a small city and I like my privacy just as much as the next guy. No harm, no foul.
I just want to be a good neighbor. All the other Ridgewood Drive residents and me seem to get along. Surely you know, I hang out with Beck and Jake. They live by that gate. You know... the gate that stays open these days. What's up with that??? We have a gate??? You'd think we're Hollywood stars living in Wheeling!
OK - I think I've got a new pole for you. My friend has one and we were planning on re-digging the hole, but I've got to walk on that sliver of your property if you want me to put up a new one. And you just got it surveyed again. I have a hunch that your team of skilled laborers is about to put up another fence. If you're having them put up yet another fence, I was worried it might look weird having a 15 ft. thin pole at the point where the split rail bends. It just would seem strange since the wooden pole never did anything. Ha Ha - some would say it was a utility pole that had no utility! In any event, I need to just make sure you really need/want a new pole. Let's be honest - it would look really weird to have another pole that just stands there next to a fence. Also, I don't want to interfere with your maintenance crew building another fence. My friend Brian said we should plant a nice tree there instead. I told him we can't just go around planting trees on everybody's property. I think he used to be a hippie.
And those particular poles are kind of outdated. My friend from AEP said it's probably their pole. Wouldn't it be crazy if you got so angry and it wasn't even your pole in the first place. OMG. He said, don't worry about it - "when they built the Allen's house, they probably put it up temporarily just to use it as an electricity meter. It's not the end of the world. Eric, if you've mowed that property for 5 years, how do your know it's not your pole? Maybe you own it! Well, maybe not. I'm not sure. If you take care of someone's property for 5 years, I think it legally becomes yours. And hey, why doesn't his lawn crew ever mow the hillside right next to your garage. All he has to do is tell them. It's not like they're going to defy his orders."
I just want you to know how horrible I feel. I just want it to go back to the way it was. We never talked but that's okay. We each have a private acre in the city. I just don't want future problems with that little, tiny sliver of land. Honestly, it's only 10 square ft. or so. I promise you - me and my friends will totally stay clear from now on. After all, I just go down there to mow. It's a great workout. I love it.
If you have any other problems, feel free to give me a ring. I know we've only spoken maybe 4 times in 5 years, but we could always be friends. Or not, it's totally up to you.
Please, let's just be happy nobody got hurt and try to move on. If you need Brian's number, just let me know. You repeatedly mentioned suing me. That sounds horrible. Neighbors should be try to get along and the last thing our country needs is to clog up the courts, especially with the whole Guantanamo Bay prisoner release thing. Like our President says, we need to look forward, not backward.
Sincerely,
Your neighbor,
Eric Saferstein
PS - By the way, you're probably not going to like this but I taped our phone conversation and put it on Youtube! Don't worry. Neither of our names are mentioned. You said your name at the start but I didn't hit the record button until about 30 seconds in. The clip has gotten 56 hits since I last checked and some very funny comments. So I guess you could say we're both "famously anonymous" or "anonymously famous." Now I'm sure you'd agree, that is simply hysterical!
May 23, 2009
Dear Bill,
I feel absolutely horrible about everything that's recently happened. Please let me assure you that I harbor no ill will. When you called me on Thursday, May 21 at 1:48 pm... well, needless to say, it was quite a shock. Considering we hadn't spoken in probably 3 years, I was just kind of surprised. And then you used the f-word on me about 62 times in less than 11 minutes. Well let's just say, I could tell you were agitated and upset. It upset me as well. I know you're from Philadelphia. A good friend of mine is from Philly and he curses a lot too. Not that much though.
Let me just say that I'm sorry my friend leaned on your wooden pole. In all honesty, it was corroded at the bottom and fell over. It almost landed on his foot. I think it's a god-blessing nobody got hurt. Although it was only about 15 ft. high and had a width of 19", the result could have been horrific. What if it had landed on his head? Brian's head would have been seriously dented. LOL. But it's certainly nothing to joke about. He told me he felt really bad, but didn't know he was on your property. He didn't know where my property ended and yours started. He even thought the pole was mine. When it started to tip over, he thought it would just be best to make sure it didn't fall and hurt somebody. That's why he threw it in the fire and burned half of it. I didn't even know until the next morning. I made sure to save the other half and leaned it up against the well. I kind of thought you might be relieved when you saw the rest of it. That way you'd be able to figure out what happened. Boy was I wrong. Brian (his nickname is Tuffy) wants to apologize but I wasn't sure if you wanted to talk to him - if you want, I can give you his number.
I'm always trying to be a good neighbor and that starts with mowing the lawn. I've got to admit, I love the exercise. It's a fantastic workout. In fact, I just ran the Ogden 5K today. I finished with a good pace - 8:33 per mile. They listed me as...
Eric Satersreic, 38, Wheeling, WV - 26:32
How about that? Can you believe they messed up my name that badly?
But the point about me and the lawn - we've always used that pole to delineate the property boundary. I just wanted to point out that I always mow that 10 square ft or so. Doesn't sound like much. I think you own about an acre. Me too, hee hee hee. I know the pole is technically on your property, but nobody ever goes there. Well, except your maintenance crew. You must have 4 of those guys who come all the time. Thank you so much for being concerned about the environment!
So here's what happened. My buddy just leaned up against that old pole. It was late and dark and oh boy, was it pouring down rain that night. Sure enough, the darn pole started to move. The base of the pole was soooo corroded from all the water that settles there. Also, I think it was hit by the old lady (somebody famous) who 2 months ago drove over my hillside. I think she probably bumped into it as well. Her car weighs a lot more than Brian! And I can't believe she drove into your pool. Uggghhhh! And to top it off, the tow truck tore up my lawn when they towed her out. The tow company called me and asked if it was okay they come through my property to remove her car! I was like, well of course you can drive through. We need to get that car out of Bill's pool. How else would they have managed to remove it? I hope you're not upset with her and taking it it out on me. I just want you to know, when I heard about your pool tarp getting ripped apart, I was just as upset! Not sure about the whole thing - I was in Pittsburgh that night, but it was absolutely crazy! Thank God nobody got hurt. There were tire ruts all through my yard! I talked to her son about it and he apologized on her behalf. Not sure if you talked with either of them - I know you like to be left alone but you need to know that she felt horrible about the mishap. I wanted to talk to you about it, but only mentioned it to your housekeeper Karen. She couldn't believe all that happened either. I just want you to know that I know where you're coming from. Wheeling's a small city and I like my privacy just as much as the next guy. No harm, no foul.
I just want to be a good neighbor. All the other Ridgewood Drive residents and me seem to get along. Surely you know, I hang out with Beck and Jake. They live by that gate. You know... the gate that stays open these days. What's up with that??? We have a gate??? You'd think we're Hollywood stars living in Wheeling!
OK - I think I've got a new pole for you. My friend has one and we were planning on re-digging the hole, but I've got to walk on that sliver of your property if you want me to put up a new one. And you just got it surveyed again. I have a hunch that your team of skilled laborers is about to put up another fence. If you're having them put up yet another fence, I was worried it might look weird having a 15 ft. thin pole at the point where the split rail bends. It just would seem strange since the wooden pole never did anything. Ha Ha - some would say it was a utility pole that had no utility! In any event, I need to just make sure you really need/want a new pole. Let's be honest - it would look really weird to have another pole that just stands there next to a fence. Also, I don't want to interfere with your maintenance crew building another fence. My friend Brian said we should plant a nice tree there instead. I told him we can't just go around planting trees on everybody's property. I think he used to be a hippie.
And those particular poles are kind of outdated. My friend from AEP said it's probably their pole. Wouldn't it be crazy if you got so angry and it wasn't even your pole in the first place. OMG. He said, don't worry about it - "when they built the Allen's house, they probably put it up temporarily just to use it as an electricity meter. It's not the end of the world. Eric, if you've mowed that property for 5 years, how do your know it's not your pole? Maybe you own it! Well, maybe not. I'm not sure. If you take care of someone's property for 5 years, I think it legally becomes yours. And hey, why doesn't his lawn crew ever mow the hillside right next to your garage. All he has to do is tell them. It's not like they're going to defy his orders."
I just want you to know how horrible I feel. I just want it to go back to the way it was. We never talked but that's okay. We each have a private acre in the city. I just don't want future problems with that little, tiny sliver of land. Honestly, it's only 10 square ft. or so. I promise you - me and my friends will totally stay clear from now on. After all, I just go down there to mow. It's a great workout. I love it.
If you have any other problems, feel free to give me a ring. I know we've only spoken maybe 4 times in 5 years, but we could always be friends. Or not, it's totally up to you.
Please, let's just be happy nobody got hurt and try to move on. If you need Brian's number, just let me know. You repeatedly mentioned suing me. That sounds horrible. Neighbors should be try to get along and the last thing our country needs is to clog up the courts, especially with the whole Guantanamo Bay prisoner release thing. Like our President says, we need to look forward, not backward.
Sincerely,
Your neighbor,
Eric Saferstein
PS - By the way, you're probably not going to like this but I taped our phone conversation and put it on Youtube! Don't worry. Neither of our names are mentioned. You said your name at the start but I didn't hit the record button until about 30 seconds in. The clip has gotten 56 hits since I last checked and some very funny comments. So I guess you could say we're both "famously anonymous" or "anonymously famous." Now I'm sure you'd agree, that is simply hysterical!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
pole
For the love of God, life can't get much stranger. I just got off the phone w/ my neighbor Bill. Needless to say, he was in a FIT OF RAGE. For 10 minutes and 46 seconds he proceeded to call me every derogatory name in the book. I could hardly get a word in edgewise. I barely know this guy. The 3 or 4 times we've spoken in 5 years, he has always been incredibly confrontational. Not overtly hostile, but always exceedingly direct and caustic. Over the years, we've pretty much had what I'd call a "policy of successful avoidance." Well, until today...
I'll start from the beginning. I had my annual Pre-Memorial Day party on Saturday. Pretty good turnout despite the bad weather. I'd say about 25 people showed up and we had a good time. I got good reviews from everyone I spoke with afterwards. Nothing too crazy - just some drinks, foosball, dome - you know the drill. Anyway, I had about 8 skids and some firewood for the fire pit down below. Nobody went down to the pit because of the inclement weather, so I had my "point man" TFE burn some skids for a nice visual effect from the upper deck. Anyway, there has always been this telephone pole that sits about 3 feet inside my neighbor's yard. I use it to delineate the property line for mowing purposes. Even though it's not exact, it has always sufficed. It's an awkward property line for a variety of reasons. Never been a problem... until today. You see... here's what happened on Saturday. TFE "leaned" against the pole and it started to fall over. So he just decided to knock it over and throw it in the firepit. At the time, I thought to myself, Oh well - it was an eyesore - served no purpose - was probably built by accident - and it's about as half as thick as a normal telephone pole - and the bottom was half-corroded because it stands in the valley of the lawn where water collects. Plus, he never walks over there anyway. The only people who come into remote contact w/ the thing, until Saturday, were his army of hired soldiers (his groundskeeping crew) and I guess Gil White's mom may have brushed up against it a month ago when she charged recklessly into his pool. Anyway, the thing was corroded pretty badly at the bottom. TFE rocked it, it fell over and he threw it in the pit.
Well, all HELL broke loose this afternoon. I get the call. "Bill Adel here! You and your fucking friends destroyed my pole. You came on my fucking property and fucked with my pole! You and your fucking animal friends! You threw it in your fucking bonfire. You vandalized my property! If you don't put up a new pole, I'm going to sue your fucking ass. I know every politician and banker in this fucking town! You're fucking with the wrong guy!"
I swear to you, I"m trying to calm him down and explain the thing was corroded and basically just fell over and we disposed of it (albeit, in a fiery pit of damnation). Keep in mind, this 20 ft. or so pole has never served any viable purpose. At least, no valid function that I can surmise.
Seriously, he unleashed a venomous tirade. Fuck this, fuck you, fuck that. It was borderline insane. I wish I could have taped it, because you can't feign this type of rage. Kind of like Henry Rollins singing Liar, but not quite because he's just acting. Honestly, I can't compare what happened to anything I've ever seen or heard.
I tried to be as conciliatory as possible. After all, the pole (although it was worthless) is technically, but barely, on his property. Even though he accused us of using a chainsaw, I tried to assure him that it basically was leaned on and fell over. He was way to enraged to believe a word I said.
So it's five days later and I guess he realized his "pole" (w/ no intrinsic value) has disappeared. Then he sees the remains of half of it sitting near the fire pit along with the scorched earth. This probably lit the fuse and he went into an uncontrollable rage.
So here's the deal. What do I do? He's PISSED OFF. He's demanding a new pole and he also says he's going to build a split rail fence to delineate the property line. He brought up the split rail fence idea when I first moved in, but backed off because there was really no legitimate reason. Well, maybe he had the foresight to realize something like this could possibly happen. An unthinkable, unjustifiable form of animalistic vandalism.
He also repeatedly accused me and my "animal" friends of wanting to come over and burn his house down. He said he can't fucking sleep at night knowing his life and property are in jeopardy. He can't go away over Memorial Day because he's "afraid of what might happen." I'm not making this stuff up.
Well... Well... What to do? I could ask him if we could plant a tree instead. It would look nicer and at least serve a purpose. Trust me, there's no way he'd go for that. He wants his pole back. Believe me, he'd be willing to spend thousands on litigation just to prove his point. The problem - I'm afraid to go near the guy. Well, not afraid per se. I just don't want to see him have a heart attack. I'd have to administer mouth-to-mouth before calling 9-11. Needless to say, even more grounds for litigation. I tried to homophy him or something. I just don't know. In the past, I've spoken w/ him via his housekeeper (possibly the sweetest, kindest woman in the entire Ohio Valley). I'll probably run into her next week so I'll see if he has cooled off a bit. Maybe we can reach some rational accommodation (I doubt it).
You have to understand that this guy is a total xenophobe/hermit/recluse. No friends to the best of my knowledge. I've never seen any visitors, with the exception of his endless maintenance crews. I'm hardly a carpenter or handyman of any kind, but I get the impression he has never even screwed in a light bulb. His housekeeper comes 5 days a week! What normal single man needs a housekeeper 5 days out of the week?
What's even crazier - let's say I find and erect this 20 ft. pole which serves no purpose. Then, there'll be a pole right inside of a newly constructed split rail fence. It's going to look really weird. Keep in mind, this pole is about half as thick as a regular pole. It would have made a cool totem pole. Then, we could have danced around it like wild injuns!
Even funnier, Danno and I talked about chopping the pole down the day I moved in (5 years ago). He thought it would be cool to split it in half and turn it into a hammock (before he had the property surveyed). For the love of Christ! Could you imagine his reaction to that one? I move in and chop his pole down and then he sees me sipping a beer and scotch while dozing off in the hammock. I'm not religious, but for the love of God! The mental anguish would send him checking into Northwood.
I don't think we've heard the end of this one. I guess I'm going to see if we can round up a pole. Everyone who reads my blogs, knows I don't hold back. I report it all, even if it would make me appear guilty. Hell, let's be honest - this is amusing shit. Stuff you couldn't make up even if you tried. Maybe I should go around asking for old mops, poles, brooms and start planting them down in the yard. Some kind of twisted retaliation. On second thought, no.
If anyone out there has a 20-25 ft. pole, lemme know. In the meantime, be on the lookout for a utility pole which has no utility (this kind of irony follows me wherever I go). I'm going to get the dimensions right now - stand by... Alright, my real telephone/utility pole has a 32" circumfrence. This pole is 19" around. I still have about half of it. I'm guessing it was maybe 20 ft. in the air, even though he claims it was 30 or 40 ft, which is totally ludicrous. So I probably need one that's about 25 ft (5 ft. in the ground).
Maybe I should do nothing and claim it was a hazard. Honestly, it could have fallen over and hurt someone on my property. Maybe that's why it took him 5 days to audibilize his rage. He thinks we chainsawed it. I'll say this - there are plenty of "animal eyewitnesses" to back me up. Back in the day, I would have ignored all of this and just laughed it off. Maybe use it as a pick line - after all, it's quite an entertaining story if you know me. But to be honest, I think I'd rather put up a new pole for him, have him install his fence and just steer clear of him. I'm not the only person on our street who avoids him.
One more thing. You'd think the old lady driving into his pool last month and shredding his tarp would anger him. Apparently, not so. Perhaps it's a culmination of senseless vandalism that put him over the edge.
One more thing... Do I have any future ownership claims or liability regarding this useless pole? What if it falls over and squashes a squirrel or turkey? Is it my fault? Could I be held liable? Maybe it would could come back to haunt me. What if he commits suicide by hanging himself from the new pole. And you think I'm kidding??? His estate could sue me. After all he knows "every fucking politician and banker in this town!" I still don't get the banker bit... G Max - you hear what I'm sayin? You are a "fucking eyewitness animal banker!" Help me! For the love of God, help us all!
I'll start from the beginning. I had my annual Pre-Memorial Day party on Saturday. Pretty good turnout despite the bad weather. I'd say about 25 people showed up and we had a good time. I got good reviews from everyone I spoke with afterwards. Nothing too crazy - just some drinks, foosball, dome - you know the drill. Anyway, I had about 8 skids and some firewood for the fire pit down below. Nobody went down to the pit because of the inclement weather, so I had my "point man" TFE burn some skids for a nice visual effect from the upper deck. Anyway, there has always been this telephone pole that sits about 3 feet inside my neighbor's yard. I use it to delineate the property line for mowing purposes. Even though it's not exact, it has always sufficed. It's an awkward property line for a variety of reasons. Never been a problem... until today. You see... here's what happened on Saturday. TFE "leaned" against the pole and it started to fall over. So he just decided to knock it over and throw it in the firepit. At the time, I thought to myself, Oh well - it was an eyesore - served no purpose - was probably built by accident - and it's about as half as thick as a normal telephone pole - and the bottom was half-corroded because it stands in the valley of the lawn where water collects. Plus, he never walks over there anyway. The only people who come into remote contact w/ the thing, until Saturday, were his army of hired soldiers (his groundskeeping crew) and I guess Gil White's mom may have brushed up against it a month ago when she charged recklessly into his pool. Anyway, the thing was corroded pretty badly at the bottom. TFE rocked it, it fell over and he threw it in the pit.
Well, all HELL broke loose this afternoon. I get the call. "Bill Adel here! You and your fucking friends destroyed my pole. You came on my fucking property and fucked with my pole! You and your fucking animal friends! You threw it in your fucking bonfire. You vandalized my property! If you don't put up a new pole, I'm going to sue your fucking ass. I know every politician and banker in this fucking town! You're fucking with the wrong guy!"
I swear to you, I"m trying to calm him down and explain the thing was corroded and basically just fell over and we disposed of it (albeit, in a fiery pit of damnation). Keep in mind, this 20 ft. or so pole has never served any viable purpose. At least, no valid function that I can surmise.
Seriously, he unleashed a venomous tirade. Fuck this, fuck you, fuck that. It was borderline insane. I wish I could have taped it, because you can't feign this type of rage. Kind of like Henry Rollins singing Liar, but not quite because he's just acting. Honestly, I can't compare what happened to anything I've ever seen or heard.
I tried to be as conciliatory as possible. After all, the pole (although it was worthless) is technically, but barely, on his property. Even though he accused us of using a chainsaw, I tried to assure him that it basically was leaned on and fell over. He was way to enraged to believe a word I said.
So it's five days later and I guess he realized his "pole" (w/ no intrinsic value) has disappeared. Then he sees the remains of half of it sitting near the fire pit along with the scorched earth. This probably lit the fuse and he went into an uncontrollable rage.
So here's the deal. What do I do? He's PISSED OFF. He's demanding a new pole and he also says he's going to build a split rail fence to delineate the property line. He brought up the split rail fence idea when I first moved in, but backed off because there was really no legitimate reason. Well, maybe he had the foresight to realize something like this could possibly happen. An unthinkable, unjustifiable form of animalistic vandalism.
He also repeatedly accused me and my "animal" friends of wanting to come over and burn his house down. He said he can't fucking sleep at night knowing his life and property are in jeopardy. He can't go away over Memorial Day because he's "afraid of what might happen." I'm not making this stuff up.
Well... Well... What to do? I could ask him if we could plant a tree instead. It would look nicer and at least serve a purpose. Trust me, there's no way he'd go for that. He wants his pole back. Believe me, he'd be willing to spend thousands on litigation just to prove his point. The problem - I'm afraid to go near the guy. Well, not afraid per se. I just don't want to see him have a heart attack. I'd have to administer mouth-to-mouth before calling 9-11. Needless to say, even more grounds for litigation. I tried to homophy him or something. I just don't know. In the past, I've spoken w/ him via his housekeeper (possibly the sweetest, kindest woman in the entire Ohio Valley). I'll probably run into her next week so I'll see if he has cooled off a bit. Maybe we can reach some rational accommodation (I doubt it).
You have to understand that this guy is a total xenophobe/hermit/recluse. No friends to the best of my knowledge. I've never seen any visitors, with the exception of his endless maintenance crews. I'm hardly a carpenter or handyman of any kind, but I get the impression he has never even screwed in a light bulb. His housekeeper comes 5 days a week! What normal single man needs a housekeeper 5 days out of the week?
What's even crazier - let's say I find and erect this 20 ft. pole which serves no purpose. Then, there'll be a pole right inside of a newly constructed split rail fence. It's going to look really weird. Keep in mind, this pole is about half as thick as a regular pole. It would have made a cool totem pole. Then, we could have danced around it like wild injuns!
Even funnier, Danno and I talked about chopping the pole down the day I moved in (5 years ago). He thought it would be cool to split it in half and turn it into a hammock (before he had the property surveyed). For the love of Christ! Could you imagine his reaction to that one? I move in and chop his pole down and then he sees me sipping a beer and scotch while dozing off in the hammock. I'm not religious, but for the love of God! The mental anguish would send him checking into Northwood.
I don't think we've heard the end of this one. I guess I'm going to see if we can round up a pole. Everyone who reads my blogs, knows I don't hold back. I report it all, even if it would make me appear guilty. Hell, let's be honest - this is amusing shit. Stuff you couldn't make up even if you tried. Maybe I should go around asking for old mops, poles, brooms and start planting them down in the yard. Some kind of twisted retaliation. On second thought, no.
If anyone out there has a 20-25 ft. pole, lemme know. In the meantime, be on the lookout for a utility pole which has no utility (this kind of irony follows me wherever I go). I'm going to get the dimensions right now - stand by... Alright, my real telephone/utility pole has a 32" circumfrence. This pole is 19" around. I still have about half of it. I'm guessing it was maybe 20 ft. in the air, even though he claims it was 30 or 40 ft, which is totally ludicrous. So I probably need one that's about 25 ft (5 ft. in the ground).
Maybe I should do nothing and claim it was a hazard. Honestly, it could have fallen over and hurt someone on my property. Maybe that's why it took him 5 days to audibilize his rage. He thinks we chainsawed it. I'll say this - there are plenty of "animal eyewitnesses" to back me up. Back in the day, I would have ignored all of this and just laughed it off. Maybe use it as a pick line - after all, it's quite an entertaining story if you know me. But to be honest, I think I'd rather put up a new pole for him, have him install his fence and just steer clear of him. I'm not the only person on our street who avoids him.
One more thing. You'd think the old lady driving into his pool last month and shredding his tarp would anger him. Apparently, not so. Perhaps it's a culmination of senseless vandalism that put him over the edge.
One more thing... Do I have any future ownership claims or liability regarding this useless pole? What if it falls over and squashes a squirrel or turkey? Is it my fault? Could I be held liable? Maybe it would could come back to haunt me. What if he commits suicide by hanging himself from the new pole. And you think I'm kidding??? His estate could sue me. After all he knows "every fucking politician and banker in this town!" I still don't get the banker bit... G Max - you hear what I'm sayin? You are a "fucking eyewitness animal banker!" Help me! For the love of God, help us all!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I'll be the first to admit it. I enjoy reading status updates on facebook. I like the brief descriptions of encapsulated thoughts of others. Of course I have a few complaints. And here we go...
At this moment (6:41am) I am drinking a cup of coffee. If I were to share this with others via facebook, perhaps I would describe the type of coffee I'm drinking which happens to be Archer Farms Costa Rican Tarrazu purchased from Target. It's a milder roast. Doesn't that provoke a little more scrutiny than, "Saf loves his morning coffee. Mmmmm." Maybe you could offer a quality ranking on a scale of 1-10. My point - if it's your intention to share this information (which should be construed as marginally weak), then why not embrace it a bit more fully. An identical argument could be made for discussing dinner plans. Instead of "Saf is hungry and can't wait to eat dinner. Yummmm." How about "Saf's ravenous appetite will be squelched by a large plate of shrimp scampi." Alright, maybe you don't need to utilize these flowery descriptions, but I think the point is clear.
How about the "dumbing down" of facebook? This is particularly upsetting since it takes a while longer to download the page because of all these endless quizzes and "illusory" items that get sent. I have this one friend - a nice guy but I barely know him. He enjoys sending people nonexistent perishable food items using a "Meet me at the diner" application. This gets pretty annoying. You get all the updates. He'll send a fictitious blueberry muffin to Diana or a tray of mythical hash browns to Chris. I realize I'm a cynic, but how does anyone derive pleasure or satisfaction from this? And he does it on a consistent basis. What a great way to start the week. A fake poached egg from an internet nerd in upstate New York! I guess I could click off the enable button but I don't have good luck trying to moderate these things.
I've also tired of all the amusing quizzes. Which U.S. President are you? I'm fucking James Polk. Yes, I'd like to fuck James Polk. You're Rutherford B. Hayes. And there's an endless description of the Teapot Dome scandal or the devious manner in which you purchased Louisiana from the French. Does anyone actually read these thoroughly uninspiring robotic messages? I'd hate to be the person who writes them - talk about regurgitated, tedious bullshit.
Or how about "Name my 5 favorite sports teams" - Steelers, Steelers, Steelers, Mountaineers, Steelers. Ohhh, how creative! Now I get it. You must be the biggest Pittsburgh Steelers fan EVER. LMAO. Can you fathom what it says about a person if they saw someone write that and then chose to make the same exact comment, but using Cowboys, Cowboys, Cowboys, Lakers, Cowboys. In all likelihood, this is someone I'd never want to meet. Oddly enough, out of my 103 alleged "friends" - probably 8 of them would do this. And another thing, I have 5 friends of whom I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE. What on earth possesses people to click off the friend box if you've never even spoken to the person? I guess it's the anonymity of the internet that emboldens the normally cautious late night/online soccer mom.
Saf, if you have all these problems with facebook, why do you check it several times a day? Honestly, I don't have a decent answer. Maybe I've capitulated to the mindless nature of it all. Maybe today I'll go find out which Pearl Jam song I am. It had better be "Faithful." Honestly, I can easily do without the twitter/myspace bullshit and have never investigated the friendster crap, but there is a slight allure to seeing what's going on with everyone. And I will admit, I enjoy knowing when so and so got engaged or had a baby. I'm less interested in knowing someone's grade on a nursing exam.
Olga lost 3 lbs. in 12 days! Hooray!
Saf "likes this" - of course Saf likes this... her morbid obesity was offensive to most local residents.
Erin hasn't smoked a cigarette in 14 hours.
Saf "likes this" - of course I like this... Your breath stunk when you were babbling incessantly about American Idol.
Kari is drinking Buttery Nipples and Sex on the Beaches!
Saf feels growing animosity and seething pangs of contempt.
At this moment (6:41am) I am drinking a cup of coffee. If I were to share this with others via facebook, perhaps I would describe the type of coffee I'm drinking which happens to be Archer Farms Costa Rican Tarrazu purchased from Target. It's a milder roast. Doesn't that provoke a little more scrutiny than, "Saf loves his morning coffee. Mmmmm." Maybe you could offer a quality ranking on a scale of 1-10. My point - if it's your intention to share this information (which should be construed as marginally weak), then why not embrace it a bit more fully. An identical argument could be made for discussing dinner plans. Instead of "Saf is hungry and can't wait to eat dinner. Yummmm." How about "Saf's ravenous appetite will be squelched by a large plate of shrimp scampi." Alright, maybe you don't need to utilize these flowery descriptions, but I think the point is clear.
How about the "dumbing down" of facebook? This is particularly upsetting since it takes a while longer to download the page because of all these endless quizzes and "illusory" items that get sent. I have this one friend - a nice guy but I barely know him. He enjoys sending people nonexistent perishable food items using a "Meet me at the diner" application. This gets pretty annoying. You get all the updates. He'll send a fictitious blueberry muffin to Diana or a tray of mythical hash browns to Chris. I realize I'm a cynic, but how does anyone derive pleasure or satisfaction from this? And he does it on a consistent basis. What a great way to start the week. A fake poached egg from an internet nerd in upstate New York! I guess I could click off the enable button but I don't have good luck trying to moderate these things.
I've also tired of all the amusing quizzes. Which U.S. President are you? I'm fucking James Polk. Yes, I'd like to fuck James Polk. You're Rutherford B. Hayes. And there's an endless description of the Teapot Dome scandal or the devious manner in which you purchased Louisiana from the French. Does anyone actually read these thoroughly uninspiring robotic messages? I'd hate to be the person who writes them - talk about regurgitated, tedious bullshit.
Or how about "Name my 5 favorite sports teams" - Steelers, Steelers, Steelers, Mountaineers, Steelers. Ohhh, how creative! Now I get it. You must be the biggest Pittsburgh Steelers fan EVER. LMAO. Can you fathom what it says about a person if they saw someone write that and then chose to make the same exact comment, but using Cowboys, Cowboys, Cowboys, Lakers, Cowboys. In all likelihood, this is someone I'd never want to meet. Oddly enough, out of my 103 alleged "friends" - probably 8 of them would do this. And another thing, I have 5 friends of whom I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE. What on earth possesses people to click off the friend box if you've never even spoken to the person? I guess it's the anonymity of the internet that emboldens the normally cautious late night/online soccer mom.
Saf, if you have all these problems with facebook, why do you check it several times a day? Honestly, I don't have a decent answer. Maybe I've capitulated to the mindless nature of it all. Maybe today I'll go find out which Pearl Jam song I am. It had better be "Faithful." Honestly, I can easily do without the twitter/myspace bullshit and have never investigated the friendster crap, but there is a slight allure to seeing what's going on with everyone. And I will admit, I enjoy knowing when so and so got engaged or had a baby. I'm less interested in knowing someone's grade on a nursing exam.
Olga lost 3 lbs. in 12 days! Hooray!
Saf "likes this" - of course Saf likes this... her morbid obesity was offensive to most local residents.
Erin hasn't smoked a cigarette in 14 hours.
Saf "likes this" - of course I like this... Your breath stunk when you were babbling incessantly about American Idol.
Kari is drinking Buttery Nipples and Sex on the Beaches!
Saf feels growing animosity and seething pangs of contempt.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
American Idol
Greetings! My name is John Taylor or something relatively generic. For those of you who don't know me, I'm the lead singer of Foghat. We wrote a crappy song called Slow Ride in the late 1970's. It helped catapult us to stardom. We opened for Aerosmith back in the day and now we play on the non-Vegas casino circuit. Sometimes we rock the fuck out of an abandoned roller skating rink. This summer, we have multiple gigs at several semi-defunct midwest chili cook-offs. Omaha, here we come! Sioux City, Iowa - you bitches are next! I'm not even going to say what's goin' down in Tulsa.
In any event, we're all here jammin at the Red Roof Inn and some groupie turned on American Idol. What the fuck! Ahhh, this is totally bitchin! They're playin' our monster hit "Slow Ride!" Suh-weeeet!
Wait a minute. It's some virgin teenage girl and an emo-what-the-fuck-effeminate-outlandish-gay-quasi-heartthrob-lame-douchebag-singing sensation. It's some kind of man-boy love child. These two are singing our song! What the fuck is going on? OK, it just ended. The judges are weighing in...
Paula says, "You guys totally ROCK! Yinz are the greatest rock stars ever!"
Black dude weighs in, "Yeahhh, Dog! You two are the shizzist of the nit! It was doper than dope!"
finally the Simon guy says, "Way to go. You two have sizzled in a fashion more explosive than contemporary bacon!"
Alright, do you really need me to explain how pathetic this show is? When you start to really think about it, it's a bad joke with unabashed, runaway momentum.
This whole American Idol bullshit is not good. When I grew up, you got to see rock bands and musicians. You identified with them. They became a part of you. Now all we get are these sugar-coated "phenoms." They're so inspiring. I can't wait to talk about Sparkle Timmons tomorrow with the gals at the water cooler. She was Sooo ON last night! How about the token Hindu nerdman in a polo shirt? Or what about pony-tailed blondee? She's my fav! That fat-ass waitress from Detroit is so sassy. LOL!
Joe the Plumber - you missed your true calling. At least you would have been taken seriously by 40% of the population. Instead, you got 20%. Still... not bad for a dumbshit from northern Toledo.
In any event, we're all here jammin at the Red Roof Inn and some groupie turned on American Idol. What the fuck! Ahhh, this is totally bitchin! They're playin' our monster hit "Slow Ride!" Suh-weeeet!
Wait a minute. It's some virgin teenage girl and an emo-what-the-fuck-effeminate-outlandish-gay-quasi-heartthrob-lame-douchebag-singing sensation. It's some kind of man-boy love child. These two are singing our song! What the fuck is going on? OK, it just ended. The judges are weighing in...
Paula says, "You guys totally ROCK! Yinz are the greatest rock stars ever!"
Black dude weighs in, "Yeahhh, Dog! You two are the shizzist of the nit! It was doper than dope!"
finally the Simon guy says, "Way to go. You two have sizzled in a fashion more explosive than contemporary bacon!"
Alright, do you really need me to explain how pathetic this show is? When you start to really think about it, it's a bad joke with unabashed, runaway momentum.
This whole American Idol bullshit is not good. When I grew up, you got to see rock bands and musicians. You identified with them. They became a part of you. Now all we get are these sugar-coated "phenoms." They're so inspiring. I can't wait to talk about Sparkle Timmons tomorrow with the gals at the water cooler. She was Sooo ON last night! How about the token Hindu nerdman in a polo shirt? Or what about pony-tailed blondee? She's my fav! That fat-ass waitress from Detroit is so sassy. LOL!
Joe the Plumber - you missed your true calling. At least you would have been taken seriously by 40% of the population. Instead, you got 20%. Still... not bad for a dumbshit from northern Toledo.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
future skirmish
During the course of the summer of 2009, I have devised a plot so diabolical and potentially devastating, the implications so vast and far reaching, it will be felt by all who take the Oglebay exit as they venture onto the main drag of National Road. It is my stated intention to slowly increase the level of hostility between all the businesses. Minit Car Wash, Long John Silvers, TJ's Pukegarden and the 19th Ho will be permanently impacted. Bob Evans might even get drawn into the fray. It's my goal to make this entire area resemble the Middle East. This will be achieved through "gradual sign (marquee) manipulation." I assure my readers (if there are any), it will be done honorably. I will not be purchasing additional lettering for the signs, nor would I ever contemplate snagging any letters for future use. Brace yourself. The future of the whatever block of National Road will be an uncertain one. Here's is a list of businesses and what I envision each one mirroring.
TJ's - Iraq (turmoil, despair, and wardrobe malfunctioning since they all have the lame referee outfits - eerily similar to wearing a burka in 120 degree weather)
CVS - Dubai (a beacon of prosperity)
Long John Silvers - Syria (a beacon of squalor)
Bob Evans - (I'm thinking Turkey, since they have those knife and fork sandwiches, plus they appear secular and a little detached since they're across the street)
19th Ho - Israel (the powerhouse, home to the chosen ones)
Minit Car Wash - Iran (the dangerous wildcard)
Tim Whoretons - There are no brothels in the Middle East. Prostitution is frowned upon so we'll give it to Saudi Arabia since they are are the biggest whores on the block. Plus they have the valued corner spot which epitomizes them being awash with oil. I was going to turn Long John Silver's into Saudi Arabia because of the oil factor, but after further contemplation, I think they use some kind of flavorful lard.
I think you get the picture. But why? Why would anyone want to stir up this hornets nest on National Road? Because it's my obligation. The right wing nutjobs of Ohio County are still in love with ex-President George Bush. They still continue to fully embrace him at every opportunity yet never comprehend the consequences of his actions, or his inactions. This will be an attempt, albeit a crude one, to explain the neo-con agenda in simple terms they can better understand. Sometimes you have to spell these things out for the churchgoing, torture loving, uterus interfering, gun-toting, gay bashing, Cheney sucking fucks. Amen.
On an unrelated note, Go Pens.
TJ's - Iraq (turmoil, despair, and wardrobe malfunctioning since they all have the lame referee outfits - eerily similar to wearing a burka in 120 degree weather)
CVS - Dubai (a beacon of prosperity)
Long John Silvers - Syria (a beacon of squalor)
Bob Evans - (I'm thinking Turkey, since they have those knife and fork sandwiches, plus they appear secular and a little detached since they're across the street)
19th Ho - Israel (the powerhouse, home to the chosen ones)
Minit Car Wash - Iran (the dangerous wildcard)
Tim Whoretons - There are no brothels in the Middle East. Prostitution is frowned upon so we'll give it to Saudi Arabia since they are are the biggest whores on the block. Plus they have the valued corner spot which epitomizes them being awash with oil. I was going to turn Long John Silver's into Saudi Arabia because of the oil factor, but after further contemplation, I think they use some kind of flavorful lard.
I think you get the picture. But why? Why would anyone want to stir up this hornets nest on National Road? Because it's my obligation. The right wing nutjobs of Ohio County are still in love with ex-President George Bush. They still continue to fully embrace him at every opportunity yet never comprehend the consequences of his actions, or his inactions. This will be an attempt, albeit a crude one, to explain the neo-con agenda in simple terms they can better understand. Sometimes you have to spell these things out for the churchgoing, torture loving, uterus interfering, gun-toting, gay bashing, Cheney sucking fucks. Amen.
On an unrelated note, Go Pens.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
torture
I want to get my thoughts down on this whole thing. I think this debate is going to continue for the duration. There's way too many conflicting political interests and diverse public opinion. I think the entire torture debate will somehow end up going to the Supreme Court when a CIA military contractor goes after the government, appeals his jail sentence and it makes it way up the chain of justice.
I think this will be one of the landmark court decisions of our lifetime. Similar to stuff like justifying slavery, giving women the right to vote, etc. This will become one of the defining moments in the history of the planet. I just can't see the issue going away, especially in the state our country is right now. I want to explore this further but just don't feel like typing right now. It was more of a reminder.
I think it's also reasonable to assume that we'll get hit militarily while all this goes on. Things always seem to balance out on this planet. This will give Obama some problems when he runs for reelection, especially if its Mitt Romney, who I swear, is well-positioned and is playing his cards perfectly.
I also think it's feasible, while all this transpires, the Supreme Court issues a decision where there must be some kind of independent observer per X # of war prisoners. Keep in mind, the Supreme Court is still marginally to the right. And the guys on the left are getting on in years (plenty of health issues, less so, with the Bush/Reagan appointees).
This whole term "enemy combatant" is guaranteed to come under scrutiny. Can you imagine a Supreme Court fight in the Senate to nominate an Obama appointee while this shit goes down? The judiciary committee is all left and Arlen Spector could get spanked out of the Senate by the PA voters. He's in the middle of all that shit. Never forget Saf's law of the universe. He doesn't believe in religious or spiritual trash, but he know one thing for sure - EVERYTHING VEERS TOWARD THE MIDDLE. I swear to you - the torture debate will continue unabated. Be prepared to hear about it.
It'll also be interesting to see if/when torture or "enhanced interrogation techniques" can be justified - the ticking time bomb scenario.
Democracy is so much more interesting than a dictatorship. You get way more scenarios.
I think this will be one of the landmark court decisions of our lifetime. Similar to stuff like justifying slavery, giving women the right to vote, etc. This will become one of the defining moments in the history of the planet. I just can't see the issue going away, especially in the state our country is right now. I want to explore this further but just don't feel like typing right now. It was more of a reminder.
I think it's also reasonable to assume that we'll get hit militarily while all this goes on. Things always seem to balance out on this planet. This will give Obama some problems when he runs for reelection, especially if its Mitt Romney, who I swear, is well-positioned and is playing his cards perfectly.
I also think it's feasible, while all this transpires, the Supreme Court issues a decision where there must be some kind of independent observer per X # of war prisoners. Keep in mind, the Supreme Court is still marginally to the right. And the guys on the left are getting on in years (plenty of health issues, less so, with the Bush/Reagan appointees).
This whole term "enemy combatant" is guaranteed to come under scrutiny. Can you imagine a Supreme Court fight in the Senate to nominate an Obama appointee while this shit goes down? The judiciary committee is all left and Arlen Spector could get spanked out of the Senate by the PA voters. He's in the middle of all that shit. Never forget Saf's law of the universe. He doesn't believe in religious or spiritual trash, but he know one thing for sure - EVERYTHING VEERS TOWARD THE MIDDLE. I swear to you - the torture debate will continue unabated. Be prepared to hear about it.
It'll also be interesting to see if/when torture or "enhanced interrogation techniques" can be justified - the ticking time bomb scenario.
Democracy is so much more interesting than a dictatorship. You get way more scenarios.
enhanced interrogation techniques
A 2005 memo says that the C.I.A. used waterboarding 183 times in March 2003 against Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the self-described planner of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.
I found this intriguing. Keep in mind, this happened during the course of one month. That's about 6 times per day for an entire month. They're also talking about sleep deprivation through the use of excessive lighting and sound. And some kind of mass insect exposure in a confined area.
I'm hardly an expert on what constitutes torture, but this sounds like torture to me. THIS HAPPENED ROUGHLY 2 1/2 YEARS AFTER 9/11. How much credible information could you possibly extract? Maybe I'm naive.
I've often thought about how Dick Cheney sold the Iraq war to George Bush. I'm pretty sure this is how it transpired. After 9/11, Cheney correctly came to the conclusion that the greatest threat to the United States was a band of suicidal terrorists working in conjunction with a state sponsor. This sounds credible to me. Hell, Saddam Hussein was worth about 6 billion at one point. The late Yassir Arafat had about 1 billion. There's a ruling class of about 5,000 in Saudi Arabia with basically unlimited funds. Cheney thought to himself... We got lucky this time. These jihadists were harbored by the penniless Taliban in Afghanistan. What happens when the suicidal religious fucks have some real backing?
So we invaded and occupied, ousted the Taliban and chased whatever was left into the Afghan/Pakistan border region. Here's where it gets interesting. Cheney thinks to himself... This just isn't enough. The war in Afghanistan just doesn't cut it. The U.S. needs to send a stronger message to the world that the U.S. will not tolerate terrorists working in concert with rogue governments. I still think he's on credible ground here.
Cheney didn't need to look far to find the next enemy to send a message. Saddam was definitely a regional threat and had previously tried to go nuclear. Cheney figures it's just a matter of time. And to be honest, considering the stranglehold the family had on the country, he was probably right.
Cheney knew when we invaded Iraq, that we most certainly would NOT be greeted as liberators. I swear to fucking god. HE KNEW THIS. The guy is not some naive idiot. He knew there would be endless waves of violence and organized rebellion for about a decade. He knew that a civil war would erupt between the Sunni and Shia. BUT HE NEEDED THE WAR TO SEND THE REST OF THE WORLD THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE... If you're a third world dictator and you align yourself with jihadists, you will be ousted from power and your country will be demolished and transcend into endless chaos.
But he had to sell the war to Bush and he knew that this explanation wouldn't sell to the United States population. So he went with broader themes... The amped up nuclear threat and the axis of evil. Bush would be able to comprehend this. The Iraqi people would welcome us. They've needed us and we will come to their rescue. The scary part is that one person (Cheney) was able to sell it. When you've got a naive Texas country boy in the White House, anything is possible.
The sad truth... I think Dick Cheney had a reasonable position. An Al Gore administration would have just cleaned up Afghanistan. Would that have been a strong enough message to the rest of the world? I'm not so sure. In fact, I doubt it.
I was planning on blogging about torture but ended up on this tangent. Sorry for the confusion.
And I often wonder about the other links on my friend Amanda's blogslist. I access my blog from hers. I occasionally read them and wonder what they must be thinking if they read mine. Their blogs are usually about family and friends, whereas mine is about concerts, looting, terrorism, mediocre restaurants and mythical superheroes such as Cumburglar. They probably think I'm nuts. And they're probably right.
I found this intriguing. Keep in mind, this happened during the course of one month. That's about 6 times per day for an entire month. They're also talking about sleep deprivation through the use of excessive lighting and sound. And some kind of mass insect exposure in a confined area.
I'm hardly an expert on what constitutes torture, but this sounds like torture to me. THIS HAPPENED ROUGHLY 2 1/2 YEARS AFTER 9/11. How much credible information could you possibly extract? Maybe I'm naive.
I've often thought about how Dick Cheney sold the Iraq war to George Bush. I'm pretty sure this is how it transpired. After 9/11, Cheney correctly came to the conclusion that the greatest threat to the United States was a band of suicidal terrorists working in conjunction with a state sponsor. This sounds credible to me. Hell, Saddam Hussein was worth about 6 billion at one point. The late Yassir Arafat had about 1 billion. There's a ruling class of about 5,000 in Saudi Arabia with basically unlimited funds. Cheney thought to himself... We got lucky this time. These jihadists were harbored by the penniless Taliban in Afghanistan. What happens when the suicidal religious fucks have some real backing?
So we invaded and occupied, ousted the Taliban and chased whatever was left into the Afghan/Pakistan border region. Here's where it gets interesting. Cheney thinks to himself... This just isn't enough. The war in Afghanistan just doesn't cut it. The U.S. needs to send a stronger message to the world that the U.S. will not tolerate terrorists working in concert with rogue governments. I still think he's on credible ground here.
Cheney didn't need to look far to find the next enemy to send a message. Saddam was definitely a regional threat and had previously tried to go nuclear. Cheney figures it's just a matter of time. And to be honest, considering the stranglehold the family had on the country, he was probably right.
Cheney knew when we invaded Iraq, that we most certainly would NOT be greeted as liberators. I swear to fucking god. HE KNEW THIS. The guy is not some naive idiot. He knew there would be endless waves of violence and organized rebellion for about a decade. He knew that a civil war would erupt between the Sunni and Shia. BUT HE NEEDED THE WAR TO SEND THE REST OF THE WORLD THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE... If you're a third world dictator and you align yourself with jihadists, you will be ousted from power and your country will be demolished and transcend into endless chaos.
But he had to sell the war to Bush and he knew that this explanation wouldn't sell to the United States population. So he went with broader themes... The amped up nuclear threat and the axis of evil. Bush would be able to comprehend this. The Iraqi people would welcome us. They've needed us and we will come to their rescue. The scary part is that one person (Cheney) was able to sell it. When you've got a naive Texas country boy in the White House, anything is possible.
The sad truth... I think Dick Cheney had a reasonable position. An Al Gore administration would have just cleaned up Afghanistan. Would that have been a strong enough message to the rest of the world? I'm not so sure. In fact, I doubt it.
I was planning on blogging about torture but ended up on this tangent. Sorry for the confusion.
And I often wonder about the other links on my friend Amanda's blogslist. I access my blog from hers. I occasionally read them and wonder what they must be thinking if they read mine. Their blogs are usually about family and friends, whereas mine is about concerts, looting, terrorism, mediocre restaurants and mythical superheroes such as Cumburglar. They probably think I'm nuts. And they're probably right.
Monday, April 20, 2009
McHorror
Did you see the youtube video of the two idiots that posted themselves picking their noses and incorporating the snot within the pizza crust? I didn't watch the video but did see the clip on MSNBC. Far be it from me to support a right wing extremist pizza chain, but the incident did spark my interest - strictly from the perspective of it being a public relations disaster. It's fascinating that your company could donate millions to charities, spend time with community projects and perform other philanthropic activities. Then, in one earth-shattering moment, your entire brand and status is dismantled because of the actions of some dipshit in Boone, North Carolina or wherever that happened.
Obviously, fast food chains are particularly vulnerable here. They employ millions of minimum wager earners, most of whom do not have a vested interest in the company. The finger tip in the Wendy's chili incident in California a few years ago was kind of similar. It didn't impact me much because I really like their chili, but I'm sure it deterred many other chili enthusiasts. What about the idiot in Moundsville who stuck his pubes on the Wendy's burger and gave it to the cop? Seems like a disturbing trend has emerged.
Anyway, I got to thinking last night (always a dangerous scenario). What if an internet rumor started online about a McDonald's employee who referred to himself as "The Cumburglar," or I prefer, simply "Cumburglar." He's a "supposedly" fictitious McDonald's grillman that ejaculates into the cheeseburgers. Nobody knows which McDonald's he works at. Could be here in Wheeling. Could be Zanesville, Ohio. Could be in Shanghai, China. Simply put, nobody knows. He has a blog and a credible, realistic myspace page. In the blog, he shares his proclivity for ejaculating into a variety of food items. He often tries to coincide his ejaculative posts when they introduce a new burger or McShake or McNugget dipping sauce or whatever.
My point - wouldn't the public relations people at McDonald's pay huge bucks to squash something like this? If I was the CEO, I'd be willing to go monetary extremes to make sure this never sees the light of day. Interestingly enough, McDonald's is one of the few Fortune 500 companies that has seen its stock rise significantly during the recent recession.
Could you imagine??? What if Cumburglar posted a youtube video that gets immediately removed (for violating the obscenity rules)? But the video is then circulated virally and via email forwards. It could potentially be the most devastating PR nightmare a Fortune 500 company has ever faced. I'm trying to think of one that could top this and I'm left blank. Nike using Indonesian child/slave labor to mass produce sneakers comes to mind. Or should I say "cums" to mind.
By the way, I think Domino's Pizza totally sucks. Assuming you have alternative choices, why the fuck would anyone buy Domino's?
If you gave Cumburglar some phallic attire, that would lend even more credibility to this mythical hero. He'd obviously wear some kind of mask like the original Hamburglar guy in order to conceal his identity. I guess you'd probably want him to wear a McDonald's uniform but with a "special twist" of some kind. Any ideas out there for speculative garb?
Obviously, fast food chains are particularly vulnerable here. They employ millions of minimum wager earners, most of whom do not have a vested interest in the company. The finger tip in the Wendy's chili incident in California a few years ago was kind of similar. It didn't impact me much because I really like their chili, but I'm sure it deterred many other chili enthusiasts. What about the idiot in Moundsville who stuck his pubes on the Wendy's burger and gave it to the cop? Seems like a disturbing trend has emerged.
Anyway, I got to thinking last night (always a dangerous scenario). What if an internet rumor started online about a McDonald's employee who referred to himself as "The Cumburglar," or I prefer, simply "Cumburglar." He's a "supposedly" fictitious McDonald's grillman that ejaculates into the cheeseburgers. Nobody knows which McDonald's he works at. Could be here in Wheeling. Could be Zanesville, Ohio. Could be in Shanghai, China. Simply put, nobody knows. He has a blog and a credible, realistic myspace page. In the blog, he shares his proclivity for ejaculating into a variety of food items. He often tries to coincide his ejaculative posts when they introduce a new burger or McShake or McNugget dipping sauce or whatever.
My point - wouldn't the public relations people at McDonald's pay huge bucks to squash something like this? If I was the CEO, I'd be willing to go monetary extremes to make sure this never sees the light of day. Interestingly enough, McDonald's is one of the few Fortune 500 companies that has seen its stock rise significantly during the recent recession.
Could you imagine??? What if Cumburglar posted a youtube video that gets immediately removed (for violating the obscenity rules)? But the video is then circulated virally and via email forwards. It could potentially be the most devastating PR nightmare a Fortune 500 company has ever faced. I'm trying to think of one that could top this and I'm left blank. Nike using Indonesian child/slave labor to mass produce sneakers comes to mind. Or should I say "cums" to mind.
By the way, I think Domino's Pizza totally sucks. Assuming you have alternative choices, why the fuck would anyone buy Domino's?
If you gave Cumburglar some phallic attire, that would lend even more credibility to this mythical hero. He'd obviously wear some kind of mask like the original Hamburglar guy in order to conceal his identity. I guess you'd probably want him to wear a McDonald's uniform but with a "special twist" of some kind. Any ideas out there for speculative garb?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
low-end(ing)
Well, the lawn saga seems to have been resolved. The manner in which it ended... well, let's just say it felt like being at church. First, I was made to feel bad. Then, I was made a pathetic offer (here's what you must do if you want to stay out of hell). Finally, there was a truly pathetic bargaining attempt to save what was left of my squandered dignity.
Mom's son and his spokesman promptly showed up at 1pm today. Apparently, my neighbor does not want any compensation for his yard or the hillside. Which in all honesty, he owns, not me. I own a tiny sliver at the top. My neighbor only wants a new tarp for his pool. I figure he'll have his lawn and garden crew attend to any repairs on his property. The cemetery didn't file a grievance either and they had a pretty big swath of land that got tracked.
Then, it was inferred how embarrassing this whole incident has been on the original perpetrator. I kind of felt guilty for making a production about everything. Especially since I was treated as the antichrist on our message board.
The lawn spokesman offered to pat down the lawn and reseed it. I said, "Well, I was planning on doing it myself so how about just making me an offer." Gil looks at me and says, "How about $200?" I sheepishly counter with a whopping $225 and then we shook hands. I'll get the check in a couple days and consider the entire matter closed. They both quickly exit the scene of the crime. This entire incident, although it made for good humor, was relatively weak. I mean we're basically talking about an older woman driving over a hillside late one night. It's not like she flew a plane into the World Trade Center.
I spent about 25 mintues stomping the wet ground in my Nikes. It's pretty much level for future lawn mowing. Stomping it out was easy since the lawn was so saturated today. I worked up a pretty good sweat which will suffice as my daily exercise. No grass seed is necessary. It's just a little muddy and I'm sure something will grow there. I'm not entering any lawn and garden contests this summer so we're safe from that perspective.
All in all, I guess you could say I got Gilled in the White. I should have countered with more, I know... I know... but I started to feel pangs of guilt. Maybe this is a fitting conclusion after all. In retrospect, maybe I could have shown a little restraint when communicating this whole ordeal to everyone I know. I think I'll take the proceeds and stock my liquor cabinet - which will benefit everyone. This way we can all commiserate and share in the muddy despair.
Oh, and Danno wins the contest with what we presumably thought was a weak bid of $1.00. Congratulations!
Mom's son and his spokesman promptly showed up at 1pm today. Apparently, my neighbor does not want any compensation for his yard or the hillside. Which in all honesty, he owns, not me. I own a tiny sliver at the top. My neighbor only wants a new tarp for his pool. I figure he'll have his lawn and garden crew attend to any repairs on his property. The cemetery didn't file a grievance either and they had a pretty big swath of land that got tracked.
Then, it was inferred how embarrassing this whole incident has been on the original perpetrator. I kind of felt guilty for making a production about everything. Especially since I was treated as the antichrist on our message board.
The lawn spokesman offered to pat down the lawn and reseed it. I said, "Well, I was planning on doing it myself so how about just making me an offer." Gil looks at me and says, "How about $200?" I sheepishly counter with a whopping $225 and then we shook hands. I'll get the check in a couple days and consider the entire matter closed. They both quickly exit the scene of the crime. This entire incident, although it made for good humor, was relatively weak. I mean we're basically talking about an older woman driving over a hillside late one night. It's not like she flew a plane into the World Trade Center.
I spent about 25 mintues stomping the wet ground in my Nikes. It's pretty much level for future lawn mowing. Stomping it out was easy since the lawn was so saturated today. I worked up a pretty good sweat which will suffice as my daily exercise. No grass seed is necessary. It's just a little muddy and I'm sure something will grow there. I'm not entering any lawn and garden contests this summer so we're safe from that perspective.
All in all, I guess you could say I got Gilled in the White. I should have countered with more, I know... I know... but I started to feel pangs of guilt. Maybe this is a fitting conclusion after all. In retrospect, maybe I could have shown a little restraint when communicating this whole ordeal to everyone I know. I think I'll take the proceeds and stock my liquor cabinet - which will benefit everyone. This way we can all commiserate and share in the muddy despair.
Oh, and Danno wins the contest with what we presumably thought was a weak bid of $1.00. Congratulations!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Saudi judge upholds...
....marriage of 8 year old.
(CNN) -- A Saudi judge has refused for a second time to annul a marriage between an 8-year-old girl and a 47-year-old man, a relative of the girl told CNN.
The most recent ruling, in which the judge upheld his original verdict, was handed down Saturday in the Saudi city of Onaiza, where late last year the same judge rejected a petition from the girl's mother, who was seeking a divorce for her daughter.
The relative said the judge, Sheikh Habib Al-Habib, "stuck by his earlier verdict and insisted that the girl could petition the court for a divorce once she reached puberty." The family member, who requested anonymity, added that the mother will continue to pursue a divorce for her daughter.
The case, which has drawn criticism from local and international rights groups, came to light in December when al-Habib declined to annul the marriage on a legal technicality. The judge ruled the girl's mother -- who is separated from the girl's father -- was not the girl's legal guardian and therefore could not represent her in court, according to Abdullah al-Jutaili, the mother's lawyer.
The girl's father, according to the attorney, arranged the marriage in order to settle his debts with the man, who is "a close friend" of his. At the time of the initial verdict, the judge required the girl's husband to sign a pledge that he would not have sex with her until she reaches puberty, al-Jutaili told CNN. The judge ruled that when the girl reaches puberty, she will have the right to request a divorce by filing a petition with the court, the lawyer said.
-------------------
The article goes on for a bit. I think it's interesting how our govt. often condemns the use of Sharia law to validate strict Sunni Wahhabist philosophy. But you only heard about the Taliban in Afghanistan. You never hear much of what goes on in Saudi Arabia. Oddly enough, back in the day, Kabul was a pretty progressive city. It attracted a great number of educators and scholars. I seriously doubt Mecca, or its deep outskirts, has ever been considered a bastion of intellectual freedom and educational development.
It's just fascinating how we arm the Saudis to the teeth and generally back them across the board. Good to know the Saudis are with us. Well, except the 15 of the 19 hijackers from 9/11. George Bush Jr. was really on the money when he wanted to democratize the entire Middle East. He was such a visionary. And Karl Rove has the unmitigated audacity to suggest that Obama has a naive approach to foreign policy. Maybe I'm being to hard on our former president. Sometimes Bush reminds me of a current occupant of the White House. That current occupant being the recently adopted Portugese Waterdog "Bo." Maybe Obama was thinking the same thing and wanted to name the dog "Bosh." It would have certainly been a fitting tribute.
(CNN) -- A Saudi judge has refused for a second time to annul a marriage between an 8-year-old girl and a 47-year-old man, a relative of the girl told CNN.
The most recent ruling, in which the judge upheld his original verdict, was handed down Saturday in the Saudi city of Onaiza, where late last year the same judge rejected a petition from the girl's mother, who was seeking a divorce for her daughter.
The relative said the judge, Sheikh Habib Al-Habib, "stuck by his earlier verdict and insisted that the girl could petition the court for a divorce once she reached puberty." The family member, who requested anonymity, added that the mother will continue to pursue a divorce for her daughter.
The case, which has drawn criticism from local and international rights groups, came to light in December when al-Habib declined to annul the marriage on a legal technicality. The judge ruled the girl's mother -- who is separated from the girl's father -- was not the girl's legal guardian and therefore could not represent her in court, according to Abdullah al-Jutaili, the mother's lawyer.
The girl's father, according to the attorney, arranged the marriage in order to settle his debts with the man, who is "a close friend" of his. At the time of the initial verdict, the judge required the girl's husband to sign a pledge that he would not have sex with her until she reaches puberty, al-Jutaili told CNN. The judge ruled that when the girl reaches puberty, she will have the right to request a divorce by filing a petition with the court, the lawyer said.
-------------------
The article goes on for a bit. I think it's interesting how our govt. often condemns the use of Sharia law to validate strict Sunni Wahhabist philosophy. But you only heard about the Taliban in Afghanistan. You never hear much of what goes on in Saudi Arabia. Oddly enough, back in the day, Kabul was a pretty progressive city. It attracted a great number of educators and scholars. I seriously doubt Mecca, or its deep outskirts, has ever been considered a bastion of intellectual freedom and educational development.
It's just fascinating how we arm the Saudis to the teeth and generally back them across the board. Good to know the Saudis are with us. Well, except the 15 of the 19 hijackers from 9/11. George Bush Jr. was really on the money when he wanted to democratize the entire Middle East. He was such a visionary. And Karl Rove has the unmitigated audacity to suggest that Obama has a naive approach to foreign policy. Maybe I'm being to hard on our former president. Sometimes Bush reminds me of a current occupant of the White House. That current occupant being the recently adopted Portugese Waterdog "Bo." Maybe Obama was thinking the same thing and wanted to name the dog "Bosh." It would have certainly been a fitting tribute.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Indigo Joe's
Mark and I went to Wheeling's newest restaurant in the Highlands today for lunch. I usually wait a month or so before trying out a new restaurant but said "what the hell, let's just go for it."
Great building & great service (Ashley). The parking lot is a bit unusual. Kind of like a dual-tiered rhombus w/ an illegal fire lane of handicapped parking directly in front. The place has a nice feel. Warm, relaxed and inviting. We sat on the restaurant side. I neglected to check out the restrooms or the bar side.
Mark got a corned beef reuben and a side of fries. I opted for the Maui Waui (pronounced Mow-wee Wow-wee) sandwich and a side salad. I normally try not to order food that has super-fun titles. The side salad was alright, nothing spectacular but most important, the bowl was chilled. You wouldn't believe how many times I get a salad and the bowl is room temperature, or even worse, sometimes hot right out of the dishwasher. My sandwich was decent. The tuna was a tiny bit undercooked, but I generally like my fish on the rarer side. However, I think they are going to have a lot of trouble with this type of fish preparation. In the Ohio Valley, people are accustomed to Coleman's fish - DFBAR (Deep Fried Beyond All Recognition). Don't get me wrong - I love Coleman's Fish. TJ's has their own take on how to prepare fish. Just throw it straight in the microwave and nuke it til it's nice and hot.
The reason I'm mentioning this is because their menu has a good amount of fish and one of their "specialties" is the fish tacos. I'm just worried that the wait staff will end up suffering because of what I call OVPS. That's Ohio Valley Palate Syndrome. The majority of diners in the valley - when they think of fish, they think of it either submerged and soaked in butter or DFBAR. There's not a lot of room for compromise with a Triadelphia resident. "Ma, my fish ain't cooked through! Where'd they get this? Schenk Lake? Out the crick?"
It would be a travesty if the wait staff (which was skilled, competent and friendly) has to bear the burden of OVPS in the form of lighter tips. And aren't we in the month of lent right now? I predict that one day, ownership will question the timing of the grand opening. I liked Indigo Joe's though and I'll be back.
Great building & great service (Ashley). The parking lot is a bit unusual. Kind of like a dual-tiered rhombus w/ an illegal fire lane of handicapped parking directly in front. The place has a nice feel. Warm, relaxed and inviting. We sat on the restaurant side. I neglected to check out the restrooms or the bar side.
Mark got a corned beef reuben and a side of fries. I opted for the Maui Waui (pronounced Mow-wee Wow-wee) sandwich and a side salad. I normally try not to order food that has super-fun titles. The side salad was alright, nothing spectacular but most important, the bowl was chilled. You wouldn't believe how many times I get a salad and the bowl is room temperature, or even worse, sometimes hot right out of the dishwasher. My sandwich was decent. The tuna was a tiny bit undercooked, but I generally like my fish on the rarer side. However, I think they are going to have a lot of trouble with this type of fish preparation. In the Ohio Valley, people are accustomed to Coleman's fish - DFBAR (Deep Fried Beyond All Recognition). Don't get me wrong - I love Coleman's Fish. TJ's has their own take on how to prepare fish. Just throw it straight in the microwave and nuke it til it's nice and hot.
The reason I'm mentioning this is because their menu has a good amount of fish and one of their "specialties" is the fish tacos. I'm just worried that the wait staff will end up suffering because of what I call OVPS. That's Ohio Valley Palate Syndrome. The majority of diners in the valley - when they think of fish, they think of it either submerged and soaked in butter or DFBAR. There's not a lot of room for compromise with a Triadelphia resident. "Ma, my fish ain't cooked through! Where'd they get this? Schenk Lake? Out the crick?"
It would be a travesty if the wait staff (which was skilled, competent and friendly) has to bear the burden of OVPS in the form of lighter tips. And aren't we in the month of lent right now? I predict that one day, ownership will question the timing of the grand opening. I liked Indigo Joe's though and I'll be back.
Monday, April 06, 2009
my license
I was speaking with a city of Wheeling police officer earlier today. He remarked that the address on my license is inaccurate. "How long ago did you live at your previous address?" I responded, "About 5 years ago." He replied, "You really need to get that updated as soon as possible." I thought to myself, but it expires in August of 2010. It was issued in 2003. He became just a slight bit more adamant, "Yeah, but it's important." The conversation was actually quite jovial.
I must be honest. I don't see myself rushing down to the DMV anytime soon. My insurance and registration are all good, and have my current address. My point - is it a reasonable expectation of the cops that all drivers on the road have the correct address on their license? What if they are trained to think of this as a "red flag." Seems plausible. Not a good sign for college kids who change residences more often than they twitter about their nightly beer consumption.
If it was so important, why wouldn't I be notified by the DMV? How come I've never heard of this? In my world, you get a new license right before the old one expires. I'm not one of these "paranoid of big brother types" - I don't mind the govt. knowing my current address, but I think I'll hold off for another year and 4 months.
I must be honest. I don't see myself rushing down to the DMV anytime soon. My insurance and registration are all good, and have my current address. My point - is it a reasonable expectation of the cops that all drivers on the road have the correct address on their license? What if they are trained to think of this as a "red flag." Seems plausible. Not a good sign for college kids who change residences more often than they twitter about their nightly beer consumption.
If it was so important, why wouldn't I be notified by the DMV? How come I've never heard of this? In my world, you get a new license right before the old one expires. I'm not one of these "paranoid of big brother types" - I don't mind the govt. knowing my current address, but I think I'll hold off for another year and 4 months.
enough
It has been insinuated that I'm taking pleasure in the misfortune others. Honestly, I harbor no ill will. To the best of my knowledge, I've never even met this woman. However, I can see how some of my recent ramblings have been insensitive. Therefore, I will immediately cease and desist discussing anymore of this (unless something totally bizarre happens).
After considerable reflection, the lawn damage estimate contest will continue forward.
After considerable reflection, the lawn damage estimate contest will continue forward.
the saga continues
I went to the Wheeling Police Dept. to obtain a copy of the report so I could submit it to my homeowners insurance company. I assume they'll contact her auto insurance carrier. I paid the $15.00 fee and they said they'd mail it to me in a few days. The desk officer seemed to have trouble locating the case number. It took him about 10 minutes and he offered up the #1628, but said nothing would be available online because it involved a DUI.
Here's an oddity about the incident - the manner in which it was reported by the newspaper. I can't believe I didn't notice it sooner. There's an unusual listing directly above her DUI notice. It reads...
Leaving the scene of an accident
At 2:34 a.m. Saturday, police were called to a Wetzel Street address regarding a domestic. There was no information on the report about leaving the scene of an accident.
This doesn't make any sense. It sounds like they were trying to "merge" the Leaving the scene w/ the DUI but utilize separate headings. It's almost as if the person who printed this decided to look for a way to save his/her own ass. I have a friend working to see if she can uncover any details about the odd wording.
I saw my neighbor leaving his garage this morning as I was coming up the driveway. I thought about stopping but we've got a "don't ask, don't tell" policy that's been going on for 2 years or so. It's really not a don't ask, don't tell. It's more like a "don't look at me, speak to me and stay away from me" policy. I was tempted to initiate a discussion but decided against it. Too risky.
By the way, I hope this woman is alright. I'm assuming she's ok. I honestly have no idea. Everybody I've spoken with claims she's a wonderful woman.
By the way, I enjoyed Gary's facebook status update...
"I wouldn't be surprised if more mothers of former WV politicians crashed into Saf's neighbor's swimming pool." Strong update.
And we've got some preliminary estimates for the contest on the insurance payout...
Saf - $847.00
Paige R. - $2,800
Katie S. - $3,600
Jess W. - $1,100
Gary M. - $1,350
This contest is open to the public. I know, I know... pictures would certainly help. I tried to be as descriptive as possible in the previous blog. Winner gets a Top 10 Vacation Destinations near Wheeling t-shirt and possibly a "certificate of excellence in estimating landscaping costs."
Here's an oddity about the incident - the manner in which it was reported by the newspaper. I can't believe I didn't notice it sooner. There's an unusual listing directly above her DUI notice. It reads...
Leaving the scene of an accident
At 2:34 a.m. Saturday, police were called to a Wetzel Street address regarding a domestic. There was no information on the report about leaving the scene of an accident.
This doesn't make any sense. It sounds like they were trying to "merge" the Leaving the scene w/ the DUI but utilize separate headings. It's almost as if the person who printed this decided to look for a way to save his/her own ass. I have a friend working to see if she can uncover any details about the odd wording.
I saw my neighbor leaving his garage this morning as I was coming up the driveway. I thought about stopping but we've got a "don't ask, don't tell" policy that's been going on for 2 years or so. It's really not a don't ask, don't tell. It's more like a "don't look at me, speak to me and stay away from me" policy. I was tempted to initiate a discussion but decided against it. Too risky.
By the way, I hope this woman is alright. I'm assuming she's ok. I honestly have no idea. Everybody I've spoken with claims she's a wonderful woman.
By the way, I enjoyed Gary's facebook status update...
"I wouldn't be surprised if more mothers of former WV politicians crashed into Saf's neighbor's swimming pool." Strong update.
And we've got some preliminary estimates for the contest on the insurance payout...
Saf - $847.00
Paige R. - $2,800
Katie S. - $3,600
Jess W. - $1,100
Gary M. - $1,350
This contest is open to the public. I know, I know... pictures would certainly help. I tried to be as descriptive as possible in the previous blog. Winner gets a Top 10 Vacation Destinations near Wheeling t-shirt and possibly a "certificate of excellence in estimating landscaping costs."
Sunday, April 05, 2009
full disclosure
Here's an excerpt from this mornings Sunday News Register in Wheeling, WV.
DUIs
At 12:55am Saturday, police arrested M. White, 74, of Wheeling for driving under the influence at an undisclosed location.
At first glance, this probably doesn't seem like headline material. Think again. Let's journey back in time to earlier that morning. I'm at my friend Gigi's house in Pittsburgh presumably minding my own business. All of a sudden, my phone starts ringing incessantly three times in a row. Sensing an emergency, I scramble downstairs. It's my good friend Heather (her last name rhymes with Holla!).
"Eric, around 2am last night a 72 year old woman drove through your lawn and ended up in your neighbor's pool! Call Gary. He has all the details."
I'm stunned, bewildered, confused, flabbergasted... Overcome with a torrent of emotions, I want answers. How could this happen? How the hell do you even get a car into my yard, let alone my neighbor's pool? Heather doesn't have any answers though.
I get back home mid-afternoon to assess the damage. What I'm about to see is eerily reminiscent of the Shock and Awe campaign during the early days of the Iraq war. My lawn has been mercilessly attacked in what appears to be some twisted form of vehicular sodomization. There are mammoth ruts on the hillside all the way down to the yard. Highly visible tire marks scar the entire length of the lawn. Sheer horror.
I"m like WHAT THE FUCK? Apparently, she was trying to turn around in the 3 point turn near my garage and failed miserably. She slid down the hill and ended up next to my fire pit (I currently call it stick mountain). Dazed and confused, I guess she sees the blue tarp covering Bill's pool. I'm assuming she thought, "Oh, praise the lord. Dear Jesus. Goodness gracious. I can see a wrap around driveway in the distance. Thank goodness. Heavens to Betsy." Needless to say, she drives across the tarp and the car starts to sink. Basically, her car met the same fate as Captain Ed's Floating Lounge. What happened next is a matter of pure speculation.
She obviously left the scene. Not sure if she knocked on Bill's door or what. I'm guessing she gathered her wits and called her son. Later that night, the cops showed up to survey the scene. Multiple towing companies show up. And I guess things got a little heated. I wasn't there, but I'm speculating that Meowee was terrified. She's not used to all this kind of stimulus. And Meowee still seems traumitized. Last night, all she could do was sit on the edge of the couch and gaze out the window. She probably blames herself. Meowee, it's not your fault.
I notice in the newspaper it reads "undisclosed location." Undisclosed location??? Undisclosed location my ass. She undisclosed herself all over my yard and hillside. Then she undisclosed herself in Bill's pool.
I just want the truth to come out. Wheeling is notorious for shady political cover-ups. Well, I've got news for the Whites. There's a new head honcho in town and he's BLACK, not white. His name's Obama and we're doing things differently now. There will be transparency from here on out.
Since I'm advocating full disclosure, I must tell you that Gil White was the realtor I bought my house from. Not my realtor, he represented the previous owners. Could it be that I'm the victim of some kind of conspiracy. For five years, the Whites have been plotting. They know I couldn't stand the Bush administration. They know I love Obama. So Gil encourages his mom to do doughnuts in my yard. All the while, she's thinking "I'll show this burn-out what a real burn-out is!" The whole incident really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Yeah, that's right - bad taste on and around my mouth.
Like I said, there will be full disclosure. I'm going down to the police station tomorrow to check the police report and seek reparations form her insurance carrier. I'm guessing the length of the tire marks in the yard is about 150 ft. The hillside has been sodomized as well. Probably about 50 ft of homo-erotic mutilation. I'm also concerned about the emotional well-being of Meowee. And what about my pain and suffering. Honestly, I'm afraid to leave the house. This could have long lasting ramifications on my limo career.
Anyway, I'll gladly be accepting predictions on how much money I'll get from her insurance. Closest prediction wins a Top 10 Vacation Destinations near Wheeling t-shirt. It's NOT closest without going over. I still hear about the change speculation incident via Merl.
And I almost forgot the best part. There are pictures of the car in the pool on somebody's cell phone. This could be a turning point in my personal blogging history as I will certainly learn how to upload these pics once I get my hands on them.
DUIs
At 12:55am Saturday, police arrested M. White, 74, of Wheeling for driving under the influence at an undisclosed location.
At first glance, this probably doesn't seem like headline material. Think again. Let's journey back in time to earlier that morning. I'm at my friend Gigi's house in Pittsburgh presumably minding my own business. All of a sudden, my phone starts ringing incessantly three times in a row. Sensing an emergency, I scramble downstairs. It's my good friend Heather (her last name rhymes with Holla!).
"Eric, around 2am last night a 72 year old woman drove through your lawn and ended up in your neighbor's pool! Call Gary. He has all the details."
I'm stunned, bewildered, confused, flabbergasted... Overcome with a torrent of emotions, I want answers. How could this happen? How the hell do you even get a car into my yard, let alone my neighbor's pool? Heather doesn't have any answers though.
I get back home mid-afternoon to assess the damage. What I'm about to see is eerily reminiscent of the Shock and Awe campaign during the early days of the Iraq war. My lawn has been mercilessly attacked in what appears to be some twisted form of vehicular sodomization. There are mammoth ruts on the hillside all the way down to the yard. Highly visible tire marks scar the entire length of the lawn. Sheer horror.
I"m like WHAT THE FUCK? Apparently, she was trying to turn around in the 3 point turn near my garage and failed miserably. She slid down the hill and ended up next to my fire pit (I currently call it stick mountain). Dazed and confused, I guess she sees the blue tarp covering Bill's pool. I'm assuming she thought, "Oh, praise the lord. Dear Jesus. Goodness gracious. I can see a wrap around driveway in the distance. Thank goodness. Heavens to Betsy." Needless to say, she drives across the tarp and the car starts to sink. Basically, her car met the same fate as Captain Ed's Floating Lounge. What happened next is a matter of pure speculation.
She obviously left the scene. Not sure if she knocked on Bill's door or what. I'm guessing she gathered her wits and called her son. Later that night, the cops showed up to survey the scene. Multiple towing companies show up. And I guess things got a little heated. I wasn't there, but I'm speculating that Meowee was terrified. She's not used to all this kind of stimulus. And Meowee still seems traumitized. Last night, all she could do was sit on the edge of the couch and gaze out the window. She probably blames herself. Meowee, it's not your fault.
I notice in the newspaper it reads "undisclosed location." Undisclosed location??? Undisclosed location my ass. She undisclosed herself all over my yard and hillside. Then she undisclosed herself in Bill's pool.
I just want the truth to come out. Wheeling is notorious for shady political cover-ups. Well, I've got news for the Whites. There's a new head honcho in town and he's BLACK, not white. His name's Obama and we're doing things differently now. There will be transparency from here on out.
Since I'm advocating full disclosure, I must tell you that Gil White was the realtor I bought my house from. Not my realtor, he represented the previous owners. Could it be that I'm the victim of some kind of conspiracy. For five years, the Whites have been plotting. They know I couldn't stand the Bush administration. They know I love Obama. So Gil encourages his mom to do doughnuts in my yard. All the while, she's thinking "I'll show this burn-out what a real burn-out is!" The whole incident really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Yeah, that's right - bad taste on and around my mouth.
Like I said, there will be full disclosure. I'm going down to the police station tomorrow to check the police report and seek reparations form her insurance carrier. I'm guessing the length of the tire marks in the yard is about 150 ft. The hillside has been sodomized as well. Probably about 50 ft of homo-erotic mutilation. I'm also concerned about the emotional well-being of Meowee. And what about my pain and suffering. Honestly, I'm afraid to leave the house. This could have long lasting ramifications on my limo career.
Anyway, I'll gladly be accepting predictions on how much money I'll get from her insurance. Closest prediction wins a Top 10 Vacation Destinations near Wheeling t-shirt. It's NOT closest without going over. I still hear about the change speculation incident via Merl.
And I almost forgot the best part. There are pictures of the car in the pool on somebody's cell phone. This could be a turning point in my personal blogging history as I will certainly learn how to upload these pics once I get my hands on them.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
unhappy meal
I've always been skeptical of McDonald's. There's just something disturbing when you watch a corpulent parent and/or guardian taking their morbidly obese child by the hand in the parking lot, guiding their way to the entrance. They have this satiated look of contentment as if they're approaching hallowed ground. I'm sure for many it truly is a sacred experience. I also don't care for the concept of The Hamburglar. Why would this guy violate his parole in a never-ending quest to acquire dollar hamburgers? And I also despise adding the prefix "Mc" to every word imaginable.
Now is the time for payback. Just today I saw an internet ad for a free chicken wrap at Tim Hortons. Available today from 11:30am > 2pm only on April 1. At first, I thought it might be an April Fool's Day internet hoax. Heather and I went there for lunch and sure enough, it was legit. But it got me wondering, what if you set up a facebook ad and email chain letter that resembled the infamous Neiman Marcus Cookie recipe from the early days of the internet. For those that don't know, some guy had a spat with Neiman Marcus, so he found out the recipe for their "secret" cookie and encouraged people to fwd the recipe to everyone they knew. Back in the late 1990's, just about everyone on the planet had this fwd in their inbox.
Here's my idea. Granted it's a bit more diabolical and disruptive. I'd prefer to use facebook since it's way more efficient and effective. Stay with me here... First you design an ad that says "McDonald's is celebrating their 100th Anniversary." They have decided, that in these recessionary times, they will give away a free Happy Meal to every customer on the first Monday of every month for an entire year! Sounds somewhat credible. The whole team is in the ad. You've got Ronald McDonald, the purple entity Grimace and, of course, the Hamburglar pedophile along with the corporate logo. The whole thing looks very convincing and official.
Of course, once this thing starts making the facebook rounds, Mcdonald's comes out and says it was all a hoax and they apologize for any confusion. Now, I can already hear what you're thinking - Great idea, Saf! You suck. What's the purpose here? I can't believe I'm reading your blogshit.
NOW WE TAKE IT ONE STEP FURTHER. There is a follow up email ready to go after all this has unfolded. It explains that what started as some kind of pathetic internet hoax is actually coming true. People are getting free happy meals. Apparently, in several cities across the country and even some locations outside the U.S., there have been numerous accounts of people going through the McDonald drive-thrus. They request their free happy meal. The brittle voice responds over the intercom, "I'm sorry sir, this was all just one big hoax." In all these situations, the person responded with, "Hey, I'm not going anywhere til I get my free happy meal as promised. I'm going to TURN OFF MY IGNITION." All of a sudden, the drive thru is clogged. What are they really going to do? The manager will tell you to get lost but if you hold your ground, they have no options outside calling the authorities.
Can you imagine the fallout from people doing this at every McDonald's nationwide? I'm sure there are tons of people (mostly males ages 16-35) who would try this out if they thought it could work. What's Mcdonald's going to do - Call the cops everytime someone pulls this routine? You've got to realize that the new ad would have testimonials from people who have successfully obtained their free happy meal. You alter the individual accounts of their particular experiences. I could write a ton of these until it takes off on its own.
And the new facebook ad actually encourages people to try it and document their experiences. It begins to spread like a virus and basically the thing has a momentum all of its own. Also in the ad, you leak a phony corporate memo that was sent out to all participating McDonalds. In it, the Vice President of Sales mentions that corporate has decided it's best to just give away the free happy meals rather than put up a fight.
I swear to god. This idea has merit. And it would be a typical facebook group entitled "I got a Free Happy Meal from McDonald's." The best part of it all - For many people, it would become a truly "happy" meal. At the same time, it would make everyone at McDonald's decidedly "unhappy."
Saf, why all the resentment? Well, about 4 years ago I ordered a meal and the senile old lady in the pick-up window didn't include my fries. Like I said earlier - Now it's time for payback! Fuck Mickey D's - The only true Mickey D. is the drummer from King Diamond.
Now is the time for payback. Just today I saw an internet ad for a free chicken wrap at Tim Hortons. Available today from 11:30am > 2pm only on April 1. At first, I thought it might be an April Fool's Day internet hoax. Heather and I went there for lunch and sure enough, it was legit. But it got me wondering, what if you set up a facebook ad and email chain letter that resembled the infamous Neiman Marcus Cookie recipe from the early days of the internet. For those that don't know, some guy had a spat with Neiman Marcus, so he found out the recipe for their "secret" cookie and encouraged people to fwd the recipe to everyone they knew. Back in the late 1990's, just about everyone on the planet had this fwd in their inbox.
Here's my idea. Granted it's a bit more diabolical and disruptive. I'd prefer to use facebook since it's way more efficient and effective. Stay with me here... First you design an ad that says "McDonald's is celebrating their 100th Anniversary." They have decided, that in these recessionary times, they will give away a free Happy Meal to every customer on the first Monday of every month for an entire year! Sounds somewhat credible. The whole team is in the ad. You've got Ronald McDonald, the purple entity Grimace and, of course, the Hamburglar pedophile along with the corporate logo. The whole thing looks very convincing and official.
Of course, once this thing starts making the facebook rounds, Mcdonald's comes out and says it was all a hoax and they apologize for any confusion. Now, I can already hear what you're thinking - Great idea, Saf! You suck. What's the purpose here? I can't believe I'm reading your blogshit.
NOW WE TAKE IT ONE STEP FURTHER. There is a follow up email ready to go after all this has unfolded. It explains that what started as some kind of pathetic internet hoax is actually coming true. People are getting free happy meals. Apparently, in several cities across the country and even some locations outside the U.S., there have been numerous accounts of people going through the McDonald drive-thrus. They request their free happy meal. The brittle voice responds over the intercom, "I'm sorry sir, this was all just one big hoax." In all these situations, the person responded with, "Hey, I'm not going anywhere til I get my free happy meal as promised. I'm going to TURN OFF MY IGNITION." All of a sudden, the drive thru is clogged. What are they really going to do? The manager will tell you to get lost but if you hold your ground, they have no options outside calling the authorities.
Can you imagine the fallout from people doing this at every McDonald's nationwide? I'm sure there are tons of people (mostly males ages 16-35) who would try this out if they thought it could work. What's Mcdonald's going to do - Call the cops everytime someone pulls this routine? You've got to realize that the new ad would have testimonials from people who have successfully obtained their free happy meal. You alter the individual accounts of their particular experiences. I could write a ton of these until it takes off on its own.
And the new facebook ad actually encourages people to try it and document their experiences. It begins to spread like a virus and basically the thing has a momentum all of its own. Also in the ad, you leak a phony corporate memo that was sent out to all participating McDonalds. In it, the Vice President of Sales mentions that corporate has decided it's best to just give away the free happy meals rather than put up a fight.
I swear to god. This idea has merit. And it would be a typical facebook group entitled "I got a Free Happy Meal from McDonald's." The best part of it all - For many people, it would become a truly "happy" meal. At the same time, it would make everyone at McDonald's decidedly "unhappy."
Saf, why all the resentment? Well, about 4 years ago I ordered a meal and the senile old lady in the pick-up window didn't include my fries. Like I said earlier - Now it's time for payback! Fuck Mickey D's - The only true Mickey D. is the drummer from King Diamond.
Monday, March 30, 2009
soccer riot
There was a soccer riot over the weekend in Abidjan, Ivory Coast. I'm not sure if it was a riot. From what I've read, it sounds more like a crush or a stampede. Initial reports suggest 19 to 22 dead and about 132 wounded. Police may have contributed to the chaos by firing rounds of tear gas.
Why would I mention a newsreel blip like this, aside from my fascination with soccer riots and frenzied mobs? Well, all this happened BEFORE the game. Apparently, they decided to go ahead with the game (an African World Cup qualifying match). They were about halfway through the group qualifying stage (6th out of 10 games). Ivory Coast would eventually go on to win the game against Malawi 5-0.
I find this intriguing because I wonder if the game would have commenced if a similar tragedy had occurred in Europe or the United States. My conclusion - in Europe, I seriously doubt it. In the States, no way in hell. What about Central or South America? What's intriguing here is the barometer by which a country or culture measures the value of human life. Be sure to understand what I'm saying - I'm NOT suggesting that Africans have less regard for human life. I AM suggesting the possibility that when death and violence have become such an ingrained routine observance in normal day-to-day activity, a certain "desensitization" sets in.
When the great civilization of the United States crumbles, and trust me, it will eventually fall just like every other "great" empire, I wonder if a scenario like this could unfold on our turf. Remember, Ivory Coast authorities had the opportunity to delay or cancel the game. They opted to proceed. Perhaps they concluded that had they canceled the game, a riot of greater magnitude might transpire. It's hard to accurately judge what happened from a house in Wheeling, WV.
All of this just made me think of The Who concert in Cincinnati (1979 maybe) where people got crushed to death before the general admission show. I forget the death count - I think it was 10-20. I wonder if they went ahead with the concert. Not quite sure.
Why would I mention a newsreel blip like this, aside from my fascination with soccer riots and frenzied mobs? Well, all this happened BEFORE the game. Apparently, they decided to go ahead with the game (an African World Cup qualifying match). They were about halfway through the group qualifying stage (6th out of 10 games). Ivory Coast would eventually go on to win the game against Malawi 5-0.
I find this intriguing because I wonder if the game would have commenced if a similar tragedy had occurred in Europe or the United States. My conclusion - in Europe, I seriously doubt it. In the States, no way in hell. What about Central or South America? What's intriguing here is the barometer by which a country or culture measures the value of human life. Be sure to understand what I'm saying - I'm NOT suggesting that Africans have less regard for human life. I AM suggesting the possibility that when death and violence have become such an ingrained routine observance in normal day-to-day activity, a certain "desensitization" sets in.
When the great civilization of the United States crumbles, and trust me, it will eventually fall just like every other "great" empire, I wonder if a scenario like this could unfold on our turf. Remember, Ivory Coast authorities had the opportunity to delay or cancel the game. They opted to proceed. Perhaps they concluded that had they canceled the game, a riot of greater magnitude might transpire. It's hard to accurately judge what happened from a house in Wheeling, WV.
All of this just made me think of The Who concert in Cincinnati (1979 maybe) where people got crushed to death before the general admission show. I forget the death count - I think it was 10-20. I wonder if they went ahead with the concert. Not quite sure.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Greco's
A good friend of mine once said, and I quote, "Greco's is the best Italian food from here to Pittsburgh." I responded with a vitriolic tirade marked with unabashed caustic venom. What the Fuck? Greco's? Are you fucking kidding me? Apparently he was not - his name is Doug. Truth be told, he's one of my favorite human beings on the planet. High praise indeed.
Well, I ate there today and it was pretty much as expected. Everyone at my table opted for the buffet, so I acquiesced and joined "the party."
The salad bar didn't have much in the way of credible toppings, unless you consider tapioca pudding an adequate garnish. It could be more of a space issue. There was an ample choice of 6 dressings, but you had to guess what they were. Perhaps a little sign that says "light ranch" might confuse the delicate palate of the Grecovites. I would suggest signs that read "white" for ranch and "yellow" for creamy Italian. This way a diner could walk back to the table and proudly extol, "Look ma, I put the yummy white on it! I'm gonna put yella on the next one, gramps!"
The pizza buffet was exceptionally disgusting. Simply stated, the pizza is not cooked sufficiently. What you're left with is a doughy spectacle of grief and despair. I just don't know. The mushrooms are straight out of a can - I think I can see the Pennsylvania Dutch label from orbit. They also offer these miniaturized pepperoni rolls. I don't think adjectives like gross or abysmal are applicable here. You must invoke horrific descriptions. For example, these pepperoni rolls taste like "the aftermath of tsunami" or "the unforgiving tribal hatred of the Hutus and Tutsis."
Come to think of it, I've had other bad experiences in that plaza. The True Value (or as I like to call it, False Value) people took 6 weeks to sharpen the blades on my lawn mower and then, when I went to pay the $5.00, they ridiculed me for being anti-Bush. There also was a stolen milk crate debacle back in the early 1990's, but I brought that one upon myself. There is one shining beacon of light... the dumpster behind Convenient. Yep, that is all.
Well, I ate there today and it was pretty much as expected. Everyone at my table opted for the buffet, so I acquiesced and joined "the party."
The salad bar didn't have much in the way of credible toppings, unless you consider tapioca pudding an adequate garnish. It could be more of a space issue. There was an ample choice of 6 dressings, but you had to guess what they were. Perhaps a little sign that says "light ranch" might confuse the delicate palate of the Grecovites. I would suggest signs that read "white" for ranch and "yellow" for creamy Italian. This way a diner could walk back to the table and proudly extol, "Look ma, I put the yummy white on it! I'm gonna put yella on the next one, gramps!"
The pizza buffet was exceptionally disgusting. Simply stated, the pizza is not cooked sufficiently. What you're left with is a doughy spectacle of grief and despair. I just don't know. The mushrooms are straight out of a can - I think I can see the Pennsylvania Dutch label from orbit. They also offer these miniaturized pepperoni rolls. I don't think adjectives like gross or abysmal are applicable here. You must invoke horrific descriptions. For example, these pepperoni rolls taste like "the aftermath of tsunami" or "the unforgiving tribal hatred of the Hutus and Tutsis."
Come to think of it, I've had other bad experiences in that plaza. The True Value (or as I like to call it, False Value) people took 6 weeks to sharpen the blades on my lawn mower and then, when I went to pay the $5.00, they ridiculed me for being anti-Bush. There also was a stolen milk crate debacle back in the early 1990's, but I brought that one upon myself. There is one shining beacon of light... the dumpster behind Convenient. Yep, that is all.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Top 10 Sex Moves in Wheeling, WV
10. THE CLINTON HILLS
Pretend you're Bill Clinton. When your wife strips down, loudly proclaim, "Wow, that's a big dick!"
9. THE TRIADELPHIA
Ahhh... you're growing up. From the youthfully innocent "Try da feel ya" to the present day hardcore "Tri-dirty"
8. THE WHEELING ISLAND
You must love anal because the Island is a real shithole.
7. THE DICARLOS
Offering the hottest phone sex in town. While whacking off, call down and they'll answer "DICK...arlos"
6. THE WHEELING DOWNS
When you finish and she goes to light up a cigarette, tell her, "No smoking, bitch. Only at the casino, Ho!"
5. THE MOON DOGGIE STYLE
Fuck her like Moondog. When you're done, just give her a blank stare. You don't need to talk to that bitch."
4. THE WHEELING NAIL-HER
You're a minor league superstar worshipped by 11-year old girls. So fuck 'em all. Pedophiles Unite!
3. THE PALACE OF GOLD
Meditate, eat some vegetarian slop and go Krishna Berzerker on that Hare pussy!
2. THE WHEELING TUNNEL
You're totally screwed. All the Viagra in the world can't repair your fucked up dick!
1. THE JAMBO
Fuck her in a port-a-jon at Jamboree in the Hills. Embrace the scent - It's known as the acrid stench of incest.
DISCLAIMER: If you're a Wheeling Bible Belter, I'm very sorry. You weren't supposed to see this.
Pretend you're Bill Clinton. When your wife strips down, loudly proclaim, "Wow, that's a big dick!"
9. THE TRIADELPHIA
Ahhh... you're growing up. From the youthfully innocent "Try da feel ya" to the present day hardcore "Tri-dirty"
8. THE WHEELING ISLAND
You must love anal because the Island is a real shithole.
7. THE DICARLOS
Offering the hottest phone sex in town. While whacking off, call down and they'll answer "DICK...arlos"
6. THE WHEELING DOWNS
When you finish and she goes to light up a cigarette, tell her, "No smoking, bitch. Only at the casino, Ho!"
5. THE MOON DOGGIE STYLE
Fuck her like Moondog. When you're done, just give her a blank stare. You don't need to talk to that bitch."
4. THE WHEELING NAIL-HER
You're a minor league superstar worshipped by 11-year old girls. So fuck 'em all. Pedophiles Unite!
3. THE PALACE OF GOLD
Meditate, eat some vegetarian slop and go Krishna Berzerker on that Hare pussy!
2. THE WHEELING TUNNEL
You're totally screwed. All the Viagra in the world can't repair your fucked up dick!
1. THE JAMBO
Fuck her in a port-a-jon at Jamboree in the Hills. Embrace the scent - It's known as the acrid stench of incest.
DISCLAIMER: If you're a Wheeling Bible Belter, I'm very sorry. You weren't supposed to see this.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Top 10 Forgotten Bars of Wheeling
10. Mac's
Coach was the dickhead. Wonderful Wonderful.
9. The Study Hall
Great business model. Torch the place and collect the insurance.
8. Bud's Club
Home of the Bud Burger. Fuck That! Home of the heroin addict.
7. Office Lounge
Rest room to crowded? No problem - piss in the alley.
6. The Metro
Was it a metal bar? Was it a redneck bar? Was it a gay bar? No one really knew.
5. The Firehouse
Remember those two gay dudes that videotaped everyone smoking dope out back and sent the footage to WTOV9? Did you make the evening news?
4. My Club
Bad promotional ideas... C-section night, dental improvement night and "bring your daughter to work" night all failed miserably.
3. Captain Ed's Floating Lounge.
Sucked. Stank. Sunk.
2. Stormin' Norman's
This place was coked, err...uhhh, choked out of business. My bad.
1. The Eagle Inn
The original Wheeling meat market. 44 year old divorced mother of three - cinch in that pussy pillow. Tonight you will shine.
Coach was the dickhead. Wonderful Wonderful.
9. The Study Hall
Great business model. Torch the place and collect the insurance.
8. Bud's Club
Home of the Bud Burger. Fuck That! Home of the heroin addict.
7. Office Lounge
Rest room to crowded? No problem - piss in the alley.
6. The Metro
Was it a metal bar? Was it a redneck bar? Was it a gay bar? No one really knew.
5. The Firehouse
Remember those two gay dudes that videotaped everyone smoking dope out back and sent the footage to WTOV9? Did you make the evening news?
4. My Club
Bad promotional ideas... C-section night, dental improvement night and "bring your daughter to work" night all failed miserably.
3. Captain Ed's Floating Lounge.
Sucked. Stank. Sunk.
2. Stormin' Norman's
This place was coked, err...uhhh, choked out of business. My bad.
1. The Eagle Inn
The original Wheeling meat market. 44 year old divorced mother of three - cinch in that pussy pillow. Tonight you will shine.
Monday, March 09, 2009
gate crashing
I've always been fascinated by the power of the mob. Whether it be soccer riots, political rallies or even a going out of business sale at Bed, Bath & Beyond. I get this strange sense of exhilaration when I see the potential for acts of hooliganism, looting and general destruction. There's just something wildly invigorating about watching the emergence of chaos.
Over the years, I've been swept up in a few mob scenes. My all-time favorite was the Deer Creek Grateful Dead riot in the summer of 1995. For those of you who missed it, about 8,000 fans unruly fans stormed the hillside of an ampitheatre in Noblesville, Indiana. I was among them. We ripped apart the wooden fence as cops unleashed the hounds and launched canisters of tear gas. Then, they called in about 100 cruisers from nearby Indianapolis while police helicopters hovered above the venue. Upon reflection, it was an unusual gate crashing. There was a group of about 20 hippies at the northern side of the parking lot that made the move towards the end of the first set. Very little coordination or planning went into this one. Then, suddenly the mob erupted and everyone charged. My point - it was an act of totally disorganized spontaneity.
I've always wondered if you could harness and better coordinate the power of the mob. In this day and age of instant communication via text messaging, the answer is... yes. Let's get hypothetical here but we'll stay well grounded in reality. U2 just announced their stadium tour for North America. They've decided to play only football stadiums. Two of the more obscure dates are for Charlottesville and Raleigh. These will be huge shows that draw in the 50,000 range. Since they're college oriented towns, I'd expect that demand will exceed supply on the ticket front. Plus, there will be the usual tailgating and an alcohol induced supercharged atmosphere. Let's say there's a website out there called gatecrashers.com. Currently, no such site exists but what if there was such a forum. It would be an open forum where people could discuss upcoming concerts and sporting events all over the country. The site would also offer a small box where you could input your cell phone number. On the day of the event, just before show time, you could receive an instant message. This message would designate an exact time and place where a ticketless mob will congregate. Now I'm not a security professional or some bullshit rent-a-cop, but I'll tell you one thing - if 1,000 people without tickets suddenly convene right outside Gate D, a mob could instantly form and just push their way in. Whether or not you have a ticket becomes completely irrelevant if you get caught up in the "surge."
If I were going to attend an event, I'd certainly want to know when and where the chaos will emerge. My mindset - Hell, I'm on my way to the concert. I might as well check it out, maybe videotape the crush on my cell phone. Even if you somehow manage to mobilize a few security chumps, there's nothing that can be done. The power of the mob will ALWAYS win via strength in numbers. Hypothetically, you've got 50,000 people converging on the entry points. Suddenly, about 2,500 get the same text message. It's at Gate C, 7:37pm. That's all you need. And trust me, word will spread instantly. Unless, you're a total chickenshit or 7 months pregnant, who isn't going to zip over and check out the mob? Most rock bands like U2 aren't helping themselves with top ticket prices of $400 during a recession. That's just extra motivation.
You might ask, "Well Saf, why haven't we seen this shit go down?" The answer is simple, people have yet to comprehend the power of merging texting with large unruly throngs. I've seen it emerge on a much smaller level - when our local pigs have a surprise DUI checkpoint in Wheeling. You'll see a text go out and it informally makes the rounds. This is what I'd call defensive or preventative texting. You're trying to alert the populace and look out for your mutual friends. My idea of assembling the mob is simply more on the offensive side or as I like to call it "Takin' it to the streets."
Certain events really lend themselves to this idea. Obviously rock concerts, particularly metal and redneck country shows. Stadium style venues that aren't accustomed to dealing with large scale rock concert productions. Think about it - you're attending an all day Rock Festival in one of those mammoth European soccer stadiums. Who wouldn't want to be notified where the mob is going to instantly emerge? At the very least, it makes for some interesting discussion on the ride home. At some point, we will see this happen. I'm thinking by 2012. It's way more likely to become commonplace in South America and parts of Europe; then, eventually make its way to the United States in 2012 or so. I'd get more into the logistics, but I don't feel like talking about it anymore. Perhaps in my next blog...
Over the years, I've been swept up in a few mob scenes. My all-time favorite was the Deer Creek Grateful Dead riot in the summer of 1995. For those of you who missed it, about 8,000 fans unruly fans stormed the hillside of an ampitheatre in Noblesville, Indiana. I was among them. We ripped apart the wooden fence as cops unleashed the hounds and launched canisters of tear gas. Then, they called in about 100 cruisers from nearby Indianapolis while police helicopters hovered above the venue. Upon reflection, it was an unusual gate crashing. There was a group of about 20 hippies at the northern side of the parking lot that made the move towards the end of the first set. Very little coordination or planning went into this one. Then, suddenly the mob erupted and everyone charged. My point - it was an act of totally disorganized spontaneity.
I've always wondered if you could harness and better coordinate the power of the mob. In this day and age of instant communication via text messaging, the answer is... yes. Let's get hypothetical here but we'll stay well grounded in reality. U2 just announced their stadium tour for North America. They've decided to play only football stadiums. Two of the more obscure dates are for Charlottesville and Raleigh. These will be huge shows that draw in the 50,000 range. Since they're college oriented towns, I'd expect that demand will exceed supply on the ticket front. Plus, there will be the usual tailgating and an alcohol induced supercharged atmosphere. Let's say there's a website out there called gatecrashers.com. Currently, no such site exists but what if there was such a forum. It would be an open forum where people could discuss upcoming concerts and sporting events all over the country. The site would also offer a small box where you could input your cell phone number. On the day of the event, just before show time, you could receive an instant message. This message would designate an exact time and place where a ticketless mob will congregate. Now I'm not a security professional or some bullshit rent-a-cop, but I'll tell you one thing - if 1,000 people without tickets suddenly convene right outside Gate D, a mob could instantly form and just push their way in. Whether or not you have a ticket becomes completely irrelevant if you get caught up in the "surge."
If I were going to attend an event, I'd certainly want to know when and where the chaos will emerge. My mindset - Hell, I'm on my way to the concert. I might as well check it out, maybe videotape the crush on my cell phone. Even if you somehow manage to mobilize a few security chumps, there's nothing that can be done. The power of the mob will ALWAYS win via strength in numbers. Hypothetically, you've got 50,000 people converging on the entry points. Suddenly, about 2,500 get the same text message. It's at Gate C, 7:37pm. That's all you need. And trust me, word will spread instantly. Unless, you're a total chickenshit or 7 months pregnant, who isn't going to zip over and check out the mob? Most rock bands like U2 aren't helping themselves with top ticket prices of $400 during a recession. That's just extra motivation.
You might ask, "Well Saf, why haven't we seen this shit go down?" The answer is simple, people have yet to comprehend the power of merging texting with large unruly throngs. I've seen it emerge on a much smaller level - when our local pigs have a surprise DUI checkpoint in Wheeling. You'll see a text go out and it informally makes the rounds. This is what I'd call defensive or preventative texting. You're trying to alert the populace and look out for your mutual friends. My idea of assembling the mob is simply more on the offensive side or as I like to call it "Takin' it to the streets."
Certain events really lend themselves to this idea. Obviously rock concerts, particularly metal and redneck country shows. Stadium style venues that aren't accustomed to dealing with large scale rock concert productions. Think about it - you're attending an all day Rock Festival in one of those mammoth European soccer stadiums. Who wouldn't want to be notified where the mob is going to instantly emerge? At the very least, it makes for some interesting discussion on the ride home. At some point, we will see this happen. I'm thinking by 2012. It's way more likely to become commonplace in South America and parts of Europe; then, eventually make its way to the United States in 2012 or so. I'd get more into the logistics, but I don't feel like talking about it anymore. Perhaps in my next blog...
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