#85. Total Eclipse Of The Fart

And furthermore, regarding the 2008 "Goodbye Toby" episode from The Office, here's my parody for Michael Scott's blip reference to Bonnie Tyler's smash hit from the early 80's.

Dedicated to my friend Terri M's late mother Bonnie of Martins Ferry, OH.  She let me crash on her couch during my nomadic summer of 1991.  Also, dedicated to the reoccurring "country music phenomenon" of parents who name their male children after major cities in the state of Texas (Dallas, Houston, Austin, Tyler, Bryan, even Denton, etc.).  I believe it has already had a permanent impact on American society.  Not for the better.

Total Eclipse of the Fart
sonofsaf

Every now and then I eat a little baloney
And my farts don’t make a sound
(Pass some gas) every now and then I eat a little deep fried
cajun chicken and French fries through the years
(Pass some gas), every now and then I eat a little ba-rat worst.
That all the you can eat costs so much why
 (pass some gas) every now and then I eat little beef rare-i-fied
And then I smell the gas from your ass
(Pass some gas, stink ass) every now and then I have to fart
(Pass some gas, stink ass) every now and then I have to fart

And I’ll eat with all my might
And I’ll eat you out forever
And if you only let me shite
Don’t talk about the weather
And we’ll only be drinking the Sprite
‘Cause we’ll shit out this song
Together we’ll get take out til the end of our time
Your pussy’s like a pillow on me when it’s bedtime (when it’s bedtime)
I don't want the bowl of stew and I always want the pork
We're drinking bottles of red wine and unscrewing corks
I really need you to shite
Whatever is not wrong or right
Whatever is not wrong or right

Once upon a time I was shitting above
But now I’m only smelling the farts
An odor all for you
A total eclipse of the fart
Once upon a time, I pooped my pants twice
And now I’m crap in the dark
Shitting so they say
A total eclipse of the fart

every now and then I have to fart
(Pass some gas, stink ass) every now and then I have to fart

And I’ll eat with all my might (and I’ll eat you out)
And I’ll eat you out forever
And if you only you let me shite (if you only)
Don’t talk about the weather
And we'll only be drinking the Sprite (Coca Cola)
'Cause we'll shit out this song
Together we’ll get take out til the end of our time
Your pussy’s like a pillow on me when it’s bedtime (when it’s bedtime)
I don't want the bowl of stew and I always want the pork
We're drinking bottles of red wine and unscrewing corks
I really need you to shite
Whatever is not wrong or right
Whatever is not wrong or right

Once upon a time I was shitting above
But now I'm only smelling the farts
Shitting so they say
A total eclipse of the fart
A total eclipse of the fart
A total eclipse of the fart
Pass some gas, stink ass

 

Total Eclipse of the Heart
Bonnie Tyler

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely
And you're never coming 'round
(Turn around) every now and then I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound of my tears
(Turn around) every now and then I get a little bit nervous
That the best of all the years have gone by
(Turn around) every now and then I get a little bit terrified
And then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn around, bright eyes) every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around, bright eyes) every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time (all of the time)
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around, bright eyes) every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight (and I need you now)
And I need you more than ever
And if you only hold me tight (if you only)
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right (and we'll never)
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time (all of the time)
I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
Turn around, bright eyes

 

Never had the displeasure of seeing Bonnie Tyler live in concert.  I suppose that if I was at the Pittsburgh Arts Festival and she was performing a freebie concert on the main stage, I'd likely hang out on the periphery until she sang her #1 song.  But that's about it. 

Please do not share this information with Bonnie Tyler, fans of The Office, and/or people who experience gas.

#84. The Eleven

Regarding the 2008 "Goodbye Toby" scene from The Office, here's the parody for Michael Scott's "Beers in Heaven."

Dedicated to the only guy I know who's actually named Toby.  Toby E. out in Indianapolis, IN.  If you're looking for an inspired DJ or hosting a karaoke party.  http://www.p3dj.com/

  

The Eleven
sonofsaf

Would you drink a beer?
If twelve packs were eleven
Would you pay cashier
If twelve packs were eleven

I must beer bong
And Jerry on
'Cause I know a grateful song
The Eleven

Would you understand
If twelve packs were eleven
Would you pay a grand
If twelve packs were eleven

Bud Light is gay
Or so they say
'Cause I know it’s the prime way
The Eleven

Beer is drink and drown
Beer is a disease
Beer can make you fart
Leaves you ill at ease
Illin’ please

Rotten to the core
You’re an anal whore
Butt I know that you deplore
The Eleven

Would you drink a beer?
If twelve packs were eleven
Would you pay cashier
If twelve packs were eleven

I must beer bong
And Jerry on
'Cause I know a grateful song
The Eleven

 

Tears in Heaven
Eric Clapton

Would you know my name?
If I saw you in heaven
Would it be the same?
If I saw you in heaven

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand?
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand?
If I saw you in heaven

I'll find my way
Through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace, I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name?
If I saw you in heaven
Would you be the same?
If I saw you in heaven

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Eric Clapton concerts:

4-6-13, Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA 

5-30-98, MGM Grand, Las Vegas, NV  

(I was not there.  My parents got comp tickets to this show while they were in Vegas.  They stayed for the first few songs and then bolted because it was "too loud."  Knowing my obsession with ticket stubs, my mom mailed 'em to me).

 

Please do not share this information with fans of The Office, Supertramp, The Grateful Dead, and/or people who purchase beer by the 12-pack.

#83. Stranger Danger

During last night's Super Bowl, CBS unveiled some clips of their prime time sitcoms.  I looked over at Mason and burst into this sudden, contrived yokel laughter.  "What the fuck was that?!"  Then reflected... I can't imagine watching a major network sitcom series ever again.

I grew up mainly on a diet of Dallas and Cheers.  Then, Seinfeld and Friends (yeah, I'll admit to watching the latter).  Then, The Sopranos and The Office.  But the current crop of shows just appears so exhaustingly and deliberately boneheaded.  It's as if the laugh tracks are juiced on HGH.  Difficult to fathom the notion of physically tuning in to any of this crap on a weekly basis.

Anyway, last month I wrote a series of parodies regarding The Office.  This one's predicated on the infamous Goodbye Toby scene.  Right when the series was at peak performance.

Dedicated to my wife Mason.  Great memories of what just might be our "last series."  (Sorry about the uncomfortable nature of the song parody.  My alternative version is mostly centered around child abduction and sexual exploitation).

 

 

Stranger Danger
sonofsaf

There was a cell phone warning yesterday
I’m a hard on and a con
And I really have to say I’m cray
But I need to see your dong

Like a cat without the cattle
Like a dog without a bone
I'm a latex using cover
When I put the condom on

Now I don’t care how much you weigh
As long as yer in yer youth
But I’ll take you to the Milky Way
And show you my sweet tooth

Like some cash without a banker
Like a virus to obtain
Take a ride in my Mercedes
Let it fester in your brain

But there’s a silver lining
Like a brand new suit
I'll dress you up in my love
Your ass I will pollute

Stranger Danger it’s been bad
Hope you find a jail cell bed
Why it me you tried to screw
Hope you get fucked in ass too

Hello pubic, Hello zone
Will we ever shave again
This is loony, all in vein
Groin-a-rooni, don’t complain
Basket lotion (hello pubic)

You’re so puny (hello zone)
Just less commotion (will we ever)
For my pee pee (shave again)
With the calamine lotion (hole embargo)
Stay away (don’t complain)
Yeah the sperm is frozen (groin-a-rooni)
Anyway (don’t complain)
So hello pubic (hello, pubic)
So hello zone (hello, zone)
Will we ever (will we ever)
Shave again (shave again)

Now some are messed and some molest
And some are just not well
And some they’ll stick it down your throat
And some should go to hell

I can taste the cunty flavor
And you’ll shower me with pee
Oh that pussy I’ll inhale her
And I don’t need no weed

But there’s a silver lining
Like a brand new suit
I'll dress you up in my love
Your ass I will pollute

Stranger Danger it’s been bad
Hope you find a jail cell bed
Why it me you tried to screw
Hope you get fucked in ass too

Hello pubic, Hello zone
Will we ever shave again
This is loony, all in vein
Groin-a-rooni, don’t complain
Basket lotion (hello pubic)
You’re so puny (hello zone)
Just less commotion (will we ever)
For my pee pee (shave again)
With the calamine lotion (hole embargo)
Stay away (don’t complain)
Yeah the sperm is frozen (groin-a-rooni)
Anyway (don’t complain)

So now I'm shaving (hello, pubic)
Got the blow (hello, zone)
Hitta blow (Will we ever)
I'll shave it once again (shave again)
Oh, yes, I'm shaving (hole embargo)
Hitta blow (don’t complain)
Hitta blow (groin-a-rooni)
I'm sorry, kiss my ass (don’t complain)
So hello pubic (hello, pubic)
So hello zone (hello, zone)
Will we ever (Will we ever)
Shave again? (Shave again)
Blow and believe it
I've got the blow

 

Goodbye Stranger
Supertramp

It was an early morning yesterday
I was up before the dawn
And I really have enjoyed my stay
But I must be moving on.

Like a king without a castle
Like a queen without a throne
I'm an early morning lover
And I must be moving on

Now I believe in what you say
Is the undisputed truth
But I have to have things my own way
To keep me in my youth

Like a ship without an anchor
Like a slave without a chain
Just the thought of those sweet ladies
Sends a shiver through my veins

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I'll never look behind me
My troubles will be few

Goodbye stranger it's been nice
Hope you find your paradise
Tried to see your point of view
Hope your dreams will all come true

Goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane
Will we ever meet again
Feel no sorrow, feel no shame
Come tomorrow, feel no pain,
Sweet devotion (Goodby Mary)

It's not for me (Goodbye Jane)
Just give me motion (Will we ever)
To set me free (Meet again)
In the land and the ocean (Feel no sorrow)
Far away (Feel no shame)
It's the life I've chosen (Come tomorrow)
Every day (Feel no pain)
So goodbye Mary (Goodbye, Mary)
So goodbye Jane (Goodbye, Jane)
Will we ever (Will we ever)
Meet again (Meet again)

Now some they do and some they don't
And some you just can't tell
And some they will and some they won't
With some it's just as well

You can laugh at my behaviour
And that'll never bother me
Say the devil is my saviour
But I don't pay no heed

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I'll never look behind me
My troubles will be few

Goodbye, stranger, it's been nice
Hope you find your paradise
Tried to see your point of view
Hope your dreams will all come true

Goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane
Will we ever meet again
Feel no sorrow, feel no shame
Come tomorrow, feel no pain
Sweet devotion (Goodbye, Mary)
It's not for me (Goodbye, Jane)
Just give me motion (Will we ever)
To set me free (Meet again)
In the land and the ocean (Feel no sorrow)
Far away (Feel no shame)
It's the life I've chosen (Come tomorrow)
Every day (Feel no pain)
So now I'm leaving (Goodbye, Mary)
Got to go (Goodbye, Jane)
Hit the road (Will we ever)
I'll say it once again (Meet again)
Oh, yes, I'm leaving (Feel so sorrow)
Got to go (Feel no shame)
Got to go (Come tomorrow)
I'm sorry, I must dash (Feel no pain)
So goodbye Mary (Goodbye, Mary)
So goodbye Jane (Goodbye, Jane)
Will we ever (Will we ever)
Meet again? (Meet again)
Go and believe it
I've got to go

 

Nothing like a global pandemic to make you analyze your concert bucket list.  Roger Hodgson is definitely in my top 5.  

Please do not share this information with fans of The Office, fans of Supertramp and/or Roger Hodgson (quite possibly the most underrated songwriter in the entire history of rock'n'roll).

#82. True Britt

Disclaimer:  This parody's about as bad as it gets.   Then again... never say never.

Kansas City Head Coach Andy Reid has a son named Britt (age 35) who's an assistant with the team.  He didn't make the trip to Tampa for the Super Bowl.  Instead, he got arrested for a likely DUI involving a vehicular accident near the the stadium on I-435.  

 

One of the victims, 5 year old Ariel remains in critical condition.  

Though please do not fret.  Britt came away from the collision physically unscathed.

Dedicated to my favorite Britt... Quick Draw Britt McGraw. (sorry)

 

True Britt
sonofsaf

One day, brittle ginger, the basket will be a case
It helps that your are “a white” happy hour’s fun
Someday brittle ginger you’ll blunder without a doubt
But other DUI battles will be unknown
So, Adderral for the mind
You’re in a bind, a Latter Day Saint’s not a Jew
Tyreek is fit but dad is shit
When the Chief Mormon is true Britt

One day victim dies and an angel’s in the skies
You'll vomit and pee
In Kansas City dine with me
At Arrowhead we will play
You will kill again some way

True Grit (theme song)
Glen Campbell

One day, little girl, the sadness will leave your face
As soon as you've won the fight to get justice done
Someday little girl you'll wonder what life's about
But other's have known few battles are won alone
So, you'll look around to find
Someone who's kind, someone who is fearless like you
The pain of it will ease a bit
When you find a man with true grit

One day you will rise and you won't believe your eyes
You'll wake up and see
A world that is fine and free
Though summer seems far away
You will find the sun one day

Never saw Glen Campbell.  Never seen an episode of True Grit either.  I'm presently comfortable with how both of those non-events have impacted my existence.

Kansas City Chiefs:

10-15-06, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA

11-12-12, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA

10-2-16, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA

9-16-18, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA

Please do not share this information with Britt Reid, Andy Reid, Kansas City Chiefs fans, the innocent victims of DUI vehicular accidents, and/or descendants of the late Glen Campbell.

#81. The Brady Cunt

This parody's a rare twofer.  Double down on that derision.  That's a lot of bang for your buck. 

Fair warning: if I get a postcard like this in the mail, I'd probably kill myself.  But wait!  There's more!

Don't forget the other Brady.  Congressman Kevin Brady (R-TX).  During the 4 year reign of the Orange Prolapse, Brady was one of the most powerful politicians in D.C.  He was the Chair of the House Ways & Means Committee.  

Peculiar because I suspect the average voter has absolutely no idea who this guy is.  He keeps a relatively low profile.  Regardless, he will not escape my wrath.

However, tonight, my primary focus will be rooting against Tom Brady.  And to a lesser extent, Kevin Brady.  But I honestly don't give a shit about either of them.  So I will dedicate this song to an even more loathsome Brady... Oliver Brady (actor Robbie Rist).

Believe it or not, there's actually a medical condition known as "Uncle Oliver's Syndrome?"  Primary characteristics of the illness include sucking and annoyance. 

The Brady Cunt
sonofsaf

Here’s the story, of a pussy Brady
Who was fucking up our very fucked up world
All the cumshots to be sold, on his mother
Her necklace made of pearls
Here’s the story, of a pecker Brady
Who was dizzy from sucking all that bone
At the gang bang, cumming on each other
You know how they all moaned
‘Till one day when the pussy met this pillow
With these two, it was much more than a gunt
That the smell would be a little clammy
And the labia became the Brady cunt
The Brady cunt, The Brady cunt
And the labia became the Brady cunt

The Brady Bunch (theme song)

Here's the story of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold, like their mother,
The youngest one in curls
Here's the story, of a man named Brady,
Who was busy with three boys of his own,
They were four men, living all together,
Yet they were all alone
'Till the one day when the lady met this fellow
And they knew it was much more than a hunch,
That this group would somehow form a family
That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch
That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch

 

Honest admission: I've seen most of the Brady Bunch episodes.  But I was never really a fan of the iconic series.  More into Speed Racer.  These days I wonder, if kids, when the stumble across an old Brady Bunch episode, realize that it originally aired in prime time during the early 1970's.  The whole fam would lounge around the boob tube and eagerly anticipate Sam's the Butcher's "naughty characterization" of Alice's posterior.  Rump roast, hamhocks, and so on and so forth.

Tom Brady games:

12-14-10, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA

10-30-11, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA

10-23-16, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA 

Please do not share this information with Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Tom Brady, Congressman Kevin Brady (R-TX), those who enjoy The Brady Bunch in syndication, Robbie Rist, and/or descendants of the late Allan Melvin (Sam the Butcher).

 

#80. Fist in the Crist

Representative Charlie Crist (D-FL) has been all over the Sunshine state.  After starting his career in the state senate, he ran statewide six times, winning three times and losing once as a Republican, then losing once as an independent and once as a Democrat.  He's been a State Senator, Education Commissioner, Attorney General, Governor, U.S. Senate candidate, and now he's back in the House.  You name it, he'll say it... and play it. 

Now he's back in the news with a plan to unseat Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) in 2022.

Inquiry.  So if Crist just suddenly decided to bail on Florida, move to California, and run for political office... where would he choose to reside?  

Answer: Orange County.

You could even make a viable case, that strictly from a melanistic vantage point, he's the Democratic Floridian equivalent of Prolapse L'Orange.

Lest ye forget the colonic cache of orange ecstasy pills seized in a 2017 German drug bust.  

Colonic, jam on it!  Trop it like it's hot!  Trop it like it's hot!

Dedicated to Trump's proctologist.  Please forgive me.  I'm not trying to sound inflammatory.

 

Fist In The Crist
sonofsaf

Your hands make me cry
In that bedroom your are mine
Just how I play
My ass being freed
Open me up all the way
Even though you sometimes yelp
Oh, yes what a sight. A sight
I'm just getting off
Not limiting cost or the price
Butt the checklist including a kiss
I need to piss
You go for the blow
My cock needs to whizz
All of the while when I try
It’s a big surprise

(Because your fist) your fist
Is in the Crist
(Because your fist) your fist
Is in the Crist
Because your fist is in the Crist
Better than a housewife
(Because your fist) your fist
Is in the Crist
(Because your fist) your fist
Is in the Crist
Because your fist and parts of wrist
Just don’t put up a fight

I go safely entering
Your ass when it’s all for me
Homo faggot sex ain’t a crime
Down in Tallahassee
Sometimes I neglect all the screwing
I won’t act so nonchalant, nonchalant
Inside you so much fun
Inside you
My fist is withdrawn
Butt on the checklist
Including a kiss
I need to piss
You go for the blow
My cock needs to whizz
All of the while when I try
It’s a big surprise

(Because your fist) your fist
Is in the Crist
(Because your fist) your fist
Is in the Crist
Because your fist is in the Crist
Better than a housewife
(Because your fist) your fist
Is in the Crist
(Because your fist) your fist
I must insist
Because your fist and parts of wrist
Just don’t put up a fight

Oh from the fists of babes

(Because your fist) your fist
Is in the Crist
(Because your fist) your fist
Is in the Crist
Because your fist is in the Crist
Better than a housewife
Oh, man (Because your fist) your fist
Is in the Crist
(Because your fist) your fist
I must insist
Because your fist and parts of wrist
Just don’t put up a fight
(Because your fist) your fist
Is in the Crist
(Because your fist) your fist
I must insist
Because your fist is in the Crist

Kiss On My List
Hall & Oates

My friends wonder why
I call you all of the time
What can I say
I don't feel the need
To give such secrets away
You think maybe I need help
No, I know I'm right. Alright
I'm just better off
Not listening to friends' advice
When they insist on knowing my bliss
I tell them this
When they want to know
What the reason is
I only smile when I lie
Then I tell them why

(Because your kiss) your kiss
Is on my list
(Because your kiss) your kiss
Is on my list
Because your kiss is on my list
Of the best things in life
(Because your kiss) your kiss
Is on my list
(Because your kiss) your kiss
I can't resist
Because your kiss is what I miss
When I turn out the light

I go crazy wondering
What there is to really see
Did the night just take up your time
'Cos it means more to me
Sometimes I forget what I'm doing
I don't forget what I want, what I want
Regret what I've done
Regret you
I couldn't go on
But if you insist
On knowing my bliss
I'll tell you this
If you want to know
What the reason is
I'll only smile when I lie
Then I'll tell you why

(Because your kiss) your kiss
Is on my list
(Because your kiss) your kiss
Is on my list
Because your kiss is on my list
Of the best things in life
(Because your kiss) your kiss
Is on my list
(Because your kiss) your kiss
I can't resist
Because your kiss is what I miss
When I turn out the light

I really miss you babe

(Because your kiss) your kiss
Is on my list
(Because your kiss) your kiss
Is on my list
Because your kiss is on my list
Of the best things in life
Oh, man (Because your kiss) your kiss
Is on my list
(Because your kiss) your kiss
I can't resist
Because your kiss is what I miss
When I turn out the light
(Because your kiss) your kiss
Is on my list
(Because your kiss) your kiss
I can't resist
Because your kiss is on my list
Of the best things in life

Hall & Oates Concerts: (favorite songs: Maneater, Adult Education, Out of Touch)

9-5-12, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

5-2-15, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

6-13-17, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

6-9-18, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA 

Please do not share this information with current Representative and former Governor Charlie Crist (D-FL), Governor Ron DeSantis (R-FL), former President Donald Trump, and/or Darryl Hall and/or John Oates.

 

 

 

 

#79. Giuliani Thighs

All the news channels absolutely love Trump lawyer and former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani.  Maybe it's the crazy things he says.  Maybe it's the hair paint dripping down his face.  It could be a lot of things.  But most think it's the facial expressions.  They're relentless.  It's the shit that just keeps you comin' back for more.  Always wantin' more.  It's the gift that keeps on givin'.

Even Uncle Fester ain't got nothin' on The Rude.  And he pretty much set the standard.  At least during the last century.

But here's the deal.  Yeah, everyone's obsessed with Rudy's zany expressions.  I get it.  But the secret sauce is not in his eyes... it's in his thighs.

Dedicated to anyone who has performed fellatio on Rudy Giuliani and had a close encounter with those steamy, dreamy thighs.

Giuliani Thighs
sonofsaf

His hair is dyed I’m told
His hips will hypnotize
His hands are limp and old
He’s got Giuliani thighs
He’ll shove his pubic near you
He’s got some hairy dice
Just don’t go commando
He’s got Giuliani thighs

And he'll squeeze you, he’ll displease you
He is wetter when he pees YO
He’s atrocious and he crows about shit
Takes a dump royal flush
He’s got Groucho Harpo’s marked up eyes, he’s got Giuliani thighs

He’ll let you use his comb
Trial by combat fight
A missing chromosome
He’s got Giuliani thighs
He’ll fake a rumble for you
Doesn’t like to play nice
Some say he’s gone cuckoo
He’s got Giuliani thighs

He’ll oppose you, if he knows you
The conspiracy crap, he shows you
Braggadocious and he crows about shit
Takes a dump royal flush
Trumper toy just don’t ask why, he’s got Giuliani thighs

And he'll squeeze you, he’ll displease you
He is wetter when he pees YO
He’s atrocious and he crows about shit
Takes a dump royal flush
Trumper toy just don’t ask why, he’s got Giuliani thighs

He'll squeeze you
He’ll displease you
When he pees YO
He’s got Giuliani thighs
He’ll oppose you
If he knows you
And he’ll show you, he’s got Giuliani thighs
He'll squeeze you

Betty Davis Eyes
Kim Carnes

Her hair is Harlow gold
Her lips a sweet surprise
Her hands are never cold
She's got Bette Davis eyes
She'll turn her music on you
You won't have to think twice
She's pure as New York snow
She got Bette Davis eyes

And she'll tease you, she'll unease you
All the better just to please you
She's precocious, and she knows just what it
Takes to make a pro blush
She got Greta Garbo's standoff sighs, she's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll let you take her home
It whets her appetite
She'll lay you on a throne
She got Bette Davis eyes
She'll take a tumble on you
Roll you like you were dice
Until you come out blue
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll expose you, when she snows you
Off your feet with the crumbs, she throws you
She's ferocious and she knows just what it
Takes to make a pro blush
All the boys think she's a spy, she's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll tease you, she'll unease you
All the better just to please you
She's precocious, and she knows just what it
Takes to make a pro blush
All the boys think she's a spy, she's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll tease you
She'll unease you
Just to please you
She's got Bette Davis eyes
She'll expose you
When she snows you
'Cause she knows you, she's got Bette Davis Eyes
She'll tease you

 

Never seen Kim Carnes live.  Though back in my Wheeling Park ice skating days, "Bette Davis Eyes" ranked up there with Don't Bring Me Down, Blinded by The Light, Another One Bites The Dust, and Whip It.

Please do not share this information with Rudy Giuliani and/or any relatives of the late Jackie Coogan (Uncle Fester).

#78. The Mace Moron

My second and likely final parody of Representative Nancy Mace (R-SC).  The first one was called "Mace Moron."  So obviously this one is entitled "The Mace Moron."  Hey, it's all about the subtle distinctions.

Dedicated to deceased actress Dana Plato.  The rationale will be revealed shortly.

The Mace Moron
sonofsaf

Well they say she’s fucked up
Got no sense of pride
Played her part with the news fake
Add a shot of homeliness and that ain’t all
Here she is on the take
Now, she might complain and probably’s a retard
Goes to work at a shopping mall
The Jewish lasers will return tomorrow
And we’ll have wildfires for all

Nancy Mace moron
She’s a Trump dog who will play fetch
Doesn’t matter how many have died
Her thoughts are cold and whack
She’s gonna cast a pall
Second Amendment gunnin’
Aborted fetus at the wake
Lord Jesus and country for goodness sake
And the Trumper loses all

Nancy undeserving of
Pelosi rejectin’
She has the first same name as me
Now when you riot and start an insurrection
And findin' that you're gonna be
The right wing’s playin’ the part
That Tuesday there was a presidential race
The voters now blame Donald Trumper
And he finished in second place

Nancy Mace moron
She’s a Trump dog who will play fetch
Doesn’t matter how many have died
Her thoughts are cold and whack
She’s gonna cast a pall
Second Amendment gunnin’
Aborted fetus at the wake
Lord Jesus and country for goodness sake
And the Trumper loses all

George Jones
The Race Is On

I feel tears wellin' up
Cold and deep inside
Like my heart's sprung a big break
And a stab of loneliness sharp and painful
That I may never shake
Now, you might say that I was takin' it hard
Since you wrote me off with a call
But don't you wager that I'll hide the sorrow
When I may break right down and bawl

Now the race is on
And here comes pride up the backstretch
Heartaches are goin' to the inside
My tears are holdin' back
They're tryin' not to fall
My heart's out of the runnin'
True love's scratched for another's sake
The race is on and it looks like heartache
And the winner loses all

One day I ventured in love
Never once suspectin'
What the final result would be
How I lived in fear of wakin' up each mornin'
And findin' that you're gone from me
There's ache and pain in my heart
For today was the one I hated to face
Somebody new came up to win her
And I came out in second place

Now the race is on
And here comes pride up the backstretch
Heartaches are goin' to the inside
My tears are holdin' back
They're tryin' not to fall
My heart's out of the runnin'
True love's scratched for another's sake
The race is on and it looks like heartaches
And the winner loses all

 

I saw George Jones perform only once.  It was at Jamboree in the Hills (Morristown, Ohio) in the mid 2000's.  But what's cool is that I watched him perform from the scaffolding directly above/behind the stage.  What really caught my eye was the enormous font size of the scrolling lyrics on his teleprompter.  Larger than a Trump rally. 

This was back in my limo days when I drove around miscellaneous country music B-grade superheroes.  Difficult to put it in a real-world perspective.  Maybe picture yourself hangin' out with Dana Plato, sharing a pinner doobie, drinking a tepid Bud Light, at a mutual friend's apartment, in a post-Different Strokes world.

This one time I was sharing sme observations about venue safety and acts of asymmetric terrorism with Lee Greenwood.  Little did I know, that 10 years later, his most recognizable song... would perpetually nauseate me on a weekly basis for 5 long years.  Hint: it was the Orange Prolapse's exclusive stage intro music at. Every. Single. Rally.

Please do not share this information with Nancy Mace (R-SC), former President Donald J. Trump, and/or relatives of the late George Jones.  Same logic would apply to Dana Plato and Lee Greenwood.  Even though she passed away over 20 years ago (OUCH to the ME), I really like the idea of those two in a deeply committed relationship.

 

#77. Mace Moron

First and foremost, here's an obligatory pic of Congresswoman Nancy Mace (R-SC) with the Orange Prolapse.  As expected it's all smiles.  Ah, the warm embrace of exposed fluorescent colon.

I think Mace is deserving of a nickname.  How about "Greene Light?"  As in runner-up to Marjorie Taylor-Greene (R-GA).  Only becuase the SuperGenius Mark Madden refers to JuJu Smith-Schuster as "AB Light" (Antonio Brown).  Just a thought.

Mace recently expressed doubt, as to whether or not anyone, during the daylong insurrection inside the Capitol actually pounded on Representative's Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez' office door.  That's some pretty unusual territory considering her name's on the door.  Even if you take into account the current state of animosity and divisive rhetoric, it's basically calling her a lair.  After all, how the fuck would she know what happened during those 5 hours?  A riot... is by definition a riot.  An insurrection... is an insurrection.  Much like a stampede... is a stampede.  And when people end up dead, you call it a stampede.  Not "crowd turbulence."  When a person gets crush asphyxiated, you don't say... Oh dear, how unfortunate that someone "lost their breath."  

I just don't think Nancy Mace is in a position to accurately report on the experiences of Ocasio-Cortez.  

In fact, I think Mace is a moron.

Dedicated to my favorite Dave Matthews fan... Jenn D. a/k/a "Can I Get A Witness."

Mace Moron
sonofsaf

Nancy whines from Hilton Head Island
I’m A.O.C., she’s not my friend
Cuz she’s just not very kind

When will we spill blood again
Our gender you will screw
A dead end, you’ll never win
You make me shiver no thank you

If I die, you’re not smart
That makes you a whore
Conservative extremists and the Proud Boys I so abhor

Accuse with ease, try to think
What if you are wrong
Don’t be the missing link
You’ll fall apart
My Mace Moron
Try to think outside the con

Fingers were dismembered
All the violence no regrets
Why is it that you don’t seem to mind
The brains that get bashed in
Fingers were dismembered
All the violence no regrets

Accuse with ease, try to think
What if you are wrong
Don’t be the missing link
You’ll fall apart
My Mace Moron
Try to think outside the con
Try to think learn right from wrong

You think of violence optional
In this Capitol of mine
If you don’t like killing sprees
There’s blame you must assign

Accuse with ease, try to think
What if you are wrong
Don’t be the missing link
You’ll fall apart
My Mace Moron
Try to think and you’ll know
Accuse with ease, try to think
What if you are wrong
Don’t be the missing link
You’ll fall apart
My Mace Moron
Try to think outside the con
Try to think learn right from wrong
Try to think my Mace Moron

Grace is Gone
Dave Matthews Band

Neon shines through smokey eyes tonight
It's 2 a.m. I'm drunk again
And it's heavy on my mind

I could never love again
So much as I love you
Where you end, where I begin
Is like a river running through

Take my eyes, take my heart
I need them no more
If never again I fall upon the one I so adore

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on

One drink to remember
Then another to forget
How could I ever dream to find
Sweet love like you again
One drink to remember
Then another to forget

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I'll be gone

You think of things impossible
Then the sun refuse to shine
I walk with you beside me
Your cold hand lay in mine

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll go
Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I'll be gone
One more drink my grace is gone

 

Possibly my favorite DMB song.  I'd have to give it some thought.  Definitely in my top 5.

Dave Matthews Band Concerts:

6-3-98, Star Lake Amphitheatre, Burgettstown, PA
8-4-98, Star Lake Amphitheatre, Burgettstown, PA
8-5-98, Polaris Amphitheater, Columbus, OH
6-3-99, Star Lake Amphitheatre, Burgettstown, PA
6-4-99, Star Lake Amphitheatre, Burgettstown, PA
7-6-99, Desert Sky Pavilion, Phoenix, AZ
5-9-99, Civic Center, Charleston, WV
5-12-99, Gund Arena, Cleveland, OH
6-19-00, Polaris Amphitheatre, Columbus, OH
7-3-00, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA
7-19-00, RFK Stadium, Washington, DC
12-7-00, Gund Arena, Cleveland, OH
4-4-02, MCI Center, Washington, DC
8-2-02, Post Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
8-3-02, Post Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
12-22-02, MCI Center, Washington, DC
6-26-03, Post Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
6-27-03, Post Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
6-26-04, Post Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
6-27-04, Post Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
6-4-05, Post Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
6-5-05, Post Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
6-10-06, Post Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
5-31-13, First Niagara Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
6-28-14, First Niagara Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
7-9-16, First Niagara Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
6-1-18, Keybank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA

Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds:

1-23-99, Fisher Auditorium, Indiana, PA
9-21-02, Post-Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (Farm Aid)
9-16-17, Keybank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (Farm Aid)

August 2017 - Blenheim Vineyards (Dave Mathews' Winery), Charlottesville, VA

Please do not share this information with Nancy Mace (R-SC), former President Donald J. Trump, Marjorie Taylor-Greene (R-GA), Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), JuJu Smith-Schuster, Antonio Brown, DMB fans and/or Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds.

 

 

     

#76. Le Lou Lou

Poor Lou Dobbs.  Well, not that poor.  With a net worth of around 20 million, I'm sure he'll land on his feet.  Well unless Smartmatic and a jury hold him, Rudy Giuliani, Sidney Powell, Maria Bartiromo, and the entire Fox News machine monetarily accountable for spreading demonstrable lies about their voting machines.  Who woulda thought that words can actually have consequences?  (cue the AGSAF refrain).  Certainly not journalists and lawyers!  Right?

After the last five years of flooding the airwaves with exaggerations, falsehoods, mistruths, lies, whatever... it finally seems like things have reached a tipping point.  I guess it was easy to get carried away.  After all, during the Trump presidency, didn't the Orange Prolapse tell somewhere in the realm of 30,000+ lies?  Hey, it's only natural, that at some point, you'd get caught up in the moment and start fibbing yourself.  

Since this whole mess will likely be settled behind closed doors with gag orders, hush payments, backroom settlements, and non-disclosure agreements... here's a thought.  How about we go old school punishment?  And wash all their mouths out with soap.  Then, strip 'em all naked and tar and feather 'em.  Preferably in Times Square.  Maybe beat 'em with My Pillows. (Just when you think you've seen it all, David Hogg has allegedly jumping into the mail order pillow biz.  May I suggest the name "Hogg Wild."  A tribute to Trump's failed insurrection attempt).

Dedicated to the prospect of watching Sidney Powell getting stripped naked, tarred and feathered.

Le Lou Lou
sonofsaf

Canceled in my prime
And I surely mind
The highest rated show declined
Less pro-Trump excrement you will find
But where the Q-A-nonsense takes me
Where tragic lies build up and shape me

Le Lou Lou Lou De Dobbs Dobbs Dobbs
All I want to say is fuck you
Le Lou Lou Lou De Dobbs Dobbs Dobbs
The dissonance cognitive too
Le Lou Lou Lou De Dobbs Dobbs Dobbs
All I want to say is fuck you
Le Lou Lou Lou De Dobbs Dobbs Dobbs
The recklessness you’ve gone cuckoo

Bogus threats on television
Fake news will help you make decisions
All because they have ambition
And a grand purpose of division
'Cause where the Q-A-nonsense takes you
Where tragic lies build up and shape you

Le Lou Lou Lou De Dobbs Dobbs Dobbs
All I want to say is fuck you
Le Lou Lou Lou De Dobbs Dobbs Dobbs
The dissonance cognitive too
Le Lou Lou Lou De Dobbs Dobbs Dobbs
All I want to say is fuck you   

De Do Do
The Police

Don't think me unkind
Words are hard to find
They're only cheques I've left unsigned
From the banks of chaos in my mind
And when their eloquence escapes me
Their logic ties me up and rapes me

De do do do de da da da
Is all I want to say to you
De do do do de da da da
Their innocence will pull me through
De do do do de da da da
Is all I want to say to you
De do do do de da da da
They're meaningless and all that's true

Poets, priests and politicians
Have words to thank for their positions
Words that scream for your submission
And no one's jamming their transmission
'Cause when their eloquence escapes you
Their logic ties you up and rapes you

De do do do de da da da
Is all I want to say to you
De do do do de da da da
Their innocence will pull me through
De do do do de da da da
Is all I want to say to you
De do do do de da da da
They're meaningless and all that's true  

Police concert:

7-28-08, Post-Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA

Sting concerts:

7-9-00, Post-Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA

7-10-04, Post-Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA

Please do not share this information with Lou Dobbs, Rudy Giuliani, Sidney Powell, Fox News management, Smartmatic attorneys, David Hogg, Police fans, and/or Sting.

#75. Heart Of Sasse

I enjoyed the recent Sasse blurb.  "Politics isn't about the worship of one weird dude."  It's an observation truly befitting a U.S. Senator.  Trump should fire back...

Jumpin' Ben Sasse has some gas gas gas.

Trump could've used clever material like that during his brief twitter war with the Nebraskan.

Gotta be totally honest here.  I sometimes miss the tweets of Prolapse L'Orange.  In the entire history of social media, rarely have you seen such a blatantly explicit version of what's goin' on in a politician's head.  

Step 1: I am mad.

Step 2: He/she is bad.

Step 3: I will make them sad.

 

Heart of Sasse
sonofsaf

Once I had their love and they kissed my ass
Was no doubt had a heart of Sasse
All the Republicans are not so kind
Voter mistrust, is on my mind

Once I had their love maybe it was a sign
Have no doubt it put me in a bind
All of the Republicans are not so kind
Voter mistrust, is on my mind

Red not green
When I go corn husking and I’m drinking wine
Blood is from abusing, actions not refined
Omaha to Lincoln too I must have stood
Against the Trumpy too

Once I had their love and they kissed my ass
Was no doubt had a heart of Sasse
All the Republicans are not so kind
Voter mistrust, is on my mind

Far and wide
Deplorable seclusion it’s as if you died
Winning and the losing, you’re so preoccupied
Q-Anon’s who you’re choosing, yeah

La, da, da, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, da, da, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, da, da, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Yeah, gonna be an insurrection fight

Ooh, oh, ooh, oh
Ooh, oh, ooh, oh

Once I had their love the monkey was brass
There’s no doubt Trumpy fucked me up the ass
All the Republicans are not so kind
Voter mistrust, is on my mind

Ooh, oh, ooh, oh
Ooh, oh, ooh, oh

 

Heart of Glass
Blondie

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

Once I had a love and it was divine
Soon found out I was losing my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind
Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

In between
What I find is pleasing and I'm feeling fine
Love is so confusing, there's no peace of mind
If I fear I'm losing you it's just no good
You teasing like you do

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

Lost inside
Adorable illusion and I cannot hide
I'm the one you're using, please don't push me aside
We coulda made it cruising, yeah

La, da, da, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, da, da, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, da, da, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Yeah, riding high on love's true bluish light

Ooh, oh, ooh, oh
Ooh, oh, ooh, oh

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out to be a pain in the ass
Seemed like the real thing only to find
Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

Ooh, oh, ooh, oh
Ooh, oh, ooh, oh

Never seen Blondie.  Debbie Harry doesn't come 'round deez parts that much.  She had a concert in Greensburg at the Palace Theater back in 2012.  Back then, I saw it listed and remember shrugging it off.  But in a post-Covid world, if things ever get back to normal, I'd probably give a concert like that a second thought.

Please do not share this information with Senator Ben Sasse (R-NE), former President Donald J. Trump, and/or Deborah Harry.  I think the black woman in the Spice Girls with the frizzy dark hair, should dye it blond, straighten it out, and start a Blondie cover band.  Call it "Scary Harry").  Zig a zig ah. 

#74. Subway

Nothing sucks more... than when a major brand, wraps their entire identity around a single spokesperson... and he/she ends up being a child molester.  

 

Whoops, my bad.  Wrong Jared.

Still, now you know how the Catholic Church feels.  And to a lesser extent, Subway.  Makes you kinda wonder if either Jared exceeds six inches.  Food for thought.

Dedicated to all the Subway customers who think their fresh bread smells like feet.  Just know that you're not alone.  I repeat, you'll never walk alone.

Subway
sonofsaf

Tuna the fish is dear
A parking space for me is certain
Don’t bend, not order here
The human race the Iron Curtain
Short-lived, the shit is bull
I like to preach and pray today -
Adore, esprit de corps
I’ll eat at Subway

No pets or doggy doo
The choice my friend is in abstention
I shit use toilet tissue
Wandering Jew, plant based redemption
Be damned it could be worse
Lost all my pep throughout the work day
Adore, esprit de corps
I’ll eat at Subway

Wine, 19 Crimes
You’re not a Jew
Kosher Jag-off more baked ham for you
Don’t slip’n’fall and never pout
I said whazzup no sauerkraut
A reuben small
I ate it all
I was at Subway

Roast beef, Sliders, on rye
I popped a pill, but not abusing
And now, I will confide
I will not fall from the boozing
To drink until I’m fat
But I’m not gay, you know what they say
“Job blow, job blow, for me
I’ll eat at Subway”

Food I am a fan, brown bag I brought
So is a MILF, you say why not
No chicken wings or sushi eel
And not the turds from all those meals
But no one knows it’s what I chose
I’ll eat at Subway

Yes, I ate at Subway

 

My Way
Frank Sinatra

And now the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I've travelled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Regrets I've had a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption
I planned each chartered course
Each careful step along the by-way
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Yes, there were times
I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all
And I stood tall
And did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed, and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way
"Oh no, oh no, not me
I did it my way"

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way

Yes, it was my way

I never saw Frank Sinatra live in concert.  But I once did take credit for creating the term "Bada bing, bada boom."  Also, in the final Sopranos season, I enjoyed a clip of Nancy Sinatra performing for New York boss Philly Leotardo.  But that's about it.

Please do not share this information with the relatives of the late Frank Sinatra, Subway employees or management, Jared Fogell, Jared Kushner, and/or child molesters. 

 

#73. Wendy's

Great scene from The Office:

I remember when you could get a small chili from the Wendy's value meal for 99 cents.  Throw in two packets of hot sauce and a bunch of crackers.  Your total with tax came to $1.05.  All things considered, this was possibly the greatest deal in the history of fast food.  Well, unless you're San Jose's Anna Ayala a/k/a "chili finger woman."  In 2005, she falsely claimed to have been served a Wendy's chili with a severed finger tip in it.  Mmm... kidney beans, ground beef, onions, bell pepper, tomato, pinky, seasonings, you get my drift.

Turns out, the actual finger belonged to Brian Paul Rossiter who lost it in an industrial accident at an asphalt company.  And then sold it to Ayala's husband to settle a debt of some sort.  The rest is litigation history.

During the same time frame, with the Iraq War going full throttle, I distinctly remember boycotting, not only Wendy's chili, but the fast food behemoth in general.  I caved about a year later. 

Dedicated to Rossiter's severed finger... which ended up costing Wendy's over an estimated 20 million in lost revenue.  He literally, and unknowingly, gave Wendy's the finger.

Wendy’s
sonofsaf

Wendy’s, Wendy’s
Will Baconator exit my rear
Wendy’s, Wendy’s
Wipe my asshole have no fear
With no hot sauce chili bowls
And a Frosty that is cold
You could say it makes you die
Wendy’s, Wendy’s

Wanna eat more when it’s fried
Wendy, you're ginger cool
But in the end we’re gonna die
Wendy’s, no barbecue
All of the drive thrus that we drived
All the meals we valued most
After takin’ a fat toke
Let me fuck you in the rear
Wendy’s, Wendy’s

Wipe my asshole have no fear
Oh, Wendy’s, they got fish  
Butt their restrooms smell like feet
I shat a massive dump of fries
But Wendy’s
Wendy’s
In the end we’re gonna die

With no hot sauce chili bowls
And a Frosty that is cold
You could say it makes you die
Wendy’s, I’ll still eat here maybe
Every time I sprink-kill salt on fries
There ain’t no lemon in my tea for two
C’mon biggie size my fries
Angie, Angie I should apologize
Wendy’s, Wendy’s, hot and juicy all the time

Angie
Rolling Stones

Angie, Angie
When will those dark clouds all disappear
Angie, Angie
Where will it lead us from here
With no lovin' in our souls
And no money in our coats
You can't say we're satisfied
Angie, Angie

You can't say we never tried
Angie, you're beautiful
But ain't it time we say goodbye
Angie, I still love you
Remember all those nights we cried
All the dreams were held so close
Seemed to all go up in smoke
Let me whisper in your ear
Angie, Angie

Where will it lead us from here
Oh, Angie, don't you wish
Oh your kisses still taste sweet
I hate that sadness in your eyes
But Angie
Angie
Ain't it time we said goodbye

With no lovin' in our souls
And no money in our coats
You can't say we're satisfied
Angie, I still love you baby
Everywhere I look I see your eyes
There ain't a woman that comes close to you
Come on baby dry your eyes
Angie, Angie ain't it good to be alive
Angie, Angie, we can't say we never tried

Rolling Stones concerts:

9-29-94, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA 

1-10-03, Mellon Arena, Pittsburgh, PA (Fail!  An ice storm around Claysville, PA forced Jay George and I to turn around and head back to Wheeling.  Fortunately, no tickets were eaten.) 

9-28-05, PNC Park, Pittsburgh, PA

6-20-15, Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, PA

7-4-15, Indianapolis Motor Speedway, Indianapolis, IN

Please do not share this information with Wendy's management/employees, Anna Ayala, Brian Paul Gossiter, Steve Carrell, members of the Rolling Stones, and/or those who have lost a "digit."

 

#72. These Fries

It's my intention to do a series of fast food parodies.  This one's inspired by the memorable frat scene from the movie Super Bad.  I've always thought that my generation's Fast Times at Ridgemont High... was this generation's Super Bad.  The latter being less dramatic but way funnier.

 

Dedicated to Fogell a/k/a McLovin' (Christopher Mintz-Plasse).

These Fries
sonofsaf
 
These fries fry every bite for you
These farms McMuffin egg my friend

The squirtin’s my pee, yeah
And the shitting was all me, no, my baby, no no
You gave a toilet for free, yeah
An' I clogged it, an I clogged it, oh no

These fries were salted with a seasoning blend
That fart was something you can’t defend

The squirtin’s my pee, yeah
And the shitting was all me, no, no, no
You had a cow with me, yeah
An' you ate it, an' you ate it, babe

These fries are fryin’
These fries seem like a form of drugs
But there’s never gonna be a Big Mac attack for me and you

These fries are fryin’
These fries seem like a form of drugs
But there’s never gonna be a Big Mac attack for me and you

These fries are fryin’
These fries seem like a form of drugs
But there’s never gonna be a Big Mac attack for me and you

These fries fry for lunch for me and you
These farms, these farms McMuffin egg, egg for my friend

These fries are fryin’
These fries seem like a form of drugs
But there’s never gonna be a Big Mac attack for me and you

These fries are fryin’
These fries seem like a form of drugs
But there’s never gonna be a Big Mac attack for me and you

These fries are fryin’
These fries seem like a form of drugs
But there’s never gonna be a Big Mac attack for me and you

These fries are fryin’
These fries seem like a form of drugs
But there’s never gonna be a Big Mac attack for me and you
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Don't ya know these fries are fryin' every night
Let’s grease it back from the start…

These Eyes
The Guess Who
 
These eyes cry every night for you
These arms long to hold you again

The hurtin's on me, yeah
And I will never be free, no, my baby, no no
You gave a promise to me, yeah
An' you broke it, an' you broke it, oh no

These eyes watched you bring my world to an end
This heart could not accept and pretend

The hurtin's on me, yeah
And I will never be free, no, no, no
You took the vow with me, yeah
An' you spoke it, an' you spoke it, babe

These eyes are cryin'
These eyes have seen a lot of loves
But they're never gonna see another one like I had with you

These eyes are cryin'
These eyes have seen a lot of loves
But they're never gonna see another one like I had with you

These eyes are cryin'
These eyes have seen a lot of loves
But they're never gonna see another one like I had with you

These eyes cry every night for you
These arms, these arms long to hold you, hold you again

These eyes are cryin'
These eyes have seen a lot of loves
But their never gonna see another one like I had with you

These eyes are cryin'
These eyes have seen a lot of loves
But their never gonna see another one like I had with you

These eyes are cryin'
These eyes have seen a lot of loves
But their never gonna see another one like I had with you

These eyes are cryin'
These eyes have seen a lot of loves
But their never gonna see another one like I had with you
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Don't ya know these eyes are cryin' every night
I need you back in my heart...

 

Guess what?  I've never seen The Guess Who.  However, I have seen The Who on several occasions.

The Who concerts:

7-16-89, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA

6-29-00, Post-Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA

12-11-06, Value City Arena, Columbus, OH (all of us just walked in an emergency exit... with cans of Old Milwaukee in tow)

11-11-12, Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA

3-16-16, Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA

5-30-19, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

Please do not share this information with fans of The Who, The Guess Who and/or McLovin'.