#225. Sein

Everyone's writing a song about something.  

So here is a song about nothing.

It's based on the scene where Jerry forgets his new girlfriend's name which coincidentally rhymes with a part of the female anatomy.  So he reminisces about his own past nicknames.  Including Jerry Jerry Dingleberry and Sein-smelled.  Definitely a Top 10 episode --- good 'ol Mulva, triangle art, and the Junior Mint.

Sein
sonofsaf

And the Sein smelled
“High-haired Kramer neighbors
Give you the eye“
So I frizzed my hair up high in the air
And gave mousse another try
He said, “Babu Bhatt’s from the land of Pakistan
No soup for you“
So I ordered n’at and said, “Soup’s where it’s at
Here’s an armoire for you“
Whoa

Sein smelled
Frank Costanza yelled
Mulva’s pleasant scenery
Titliest find
B.O., gestapo
Can't you smell the Sein?

And the Sein smelled
“Secret BOSCO cash advancin’
Bootleggers are white"
So I ripped off my shirt and howled in the dark
“No chest hair in the night
Invitation sent gimme a shout
For some Kenny Roasters chicken
If Maude was here, breathtaking baby face
'Man, you’re an orgy swinger”

Sein smelled
Frank Costanza yelled
Mulva’s pleasant scenery
Titliest find
B.O., gestapo
Can't you smell the Sein?

Now, father, mudda, was the breed
You puffy up that shirt when you go on TV
Uncle Leo’s watch, don’t work you see
That house in Long Island ain’t near

The Sein smelled, “And Mel Torme thinks you’re a retard
And you replied“
Uh

And the Sein smelled
“David Puddy is dumb
You’re in downtown so they say“
Run the race but I woke up late alarm clock took the fall
No chocolate babka today
So I got me a pen and a paper
Invited to a party to dine
No way that wine is better than Pepsi
Deaf B.L. is lookin’ fine“
Woo!

Sein smelled
Frank Costanza yelled
Mulva’s pleasant scenery
Titliest find
B.O., gestapo
Can't you smell the Sein?

Sein smelled
Frank Costanza yelled

Sein

Signs
Tesla

And the sign said
"Long-haired freaky people
Need not apply"
So I tucked my hair up under my hat
And I went in to ask him why
He said, "You look like a fine upstandin' young man
I think you'll do"
So I took off my hat and said, "Imagine that
Huh, me workin' for you"
Whoa

Sign, sign
Everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery
Breakin' my mind
Do this, don't do that
Can't you read the sign?

And the sign said
"Anybody caught trespassin'
Will be shot on sight"
So I jumped on the fence and I yelled at the house
"Hey! What gives you the right
To put up a fence to keep me out
But to keep Mother Nature in?
If God was here, he'd tell you to your face
'Man, you're some kind of sinner'"

Sign, sign
Everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery
Breakin' my mind
Do this, don't do that
Can't you read the sign?

Now, hey you, mister, can't you read?
You got to have a shirt and tie to get a seat
You can't even watch, no, you can't eat
You ain't supposed to be here

The sign said, "You've got to have a membership card
To get inside"
Uh

And the sign said
"Everybody welcome
Come in, kneel down and pray"
But when they passed around the plate at the end of it all
I didn't have a penny to pay
So I got me a pen and a paper
And I made up my own little sign
I said, "Thank you, Lord, for thinkin' 'bout me
I'm alive and doin' fine"
Woo!

Sign, sign
Everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery
Breakin' my mind
Do this, don't do that
Can't you read the sign?

Sign, sign
Everywhere a sign

Sign

Tesla:

7-14-18, KeyBank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (opened for Styx & Joan Jett)

7-8-16, First Niagara Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (opened for Def Leppard & REO Speedwagon)

I had no idea that Tesla was so "yinzer-prolific."  Believe it or not, Tesla has come to the Burgh over 20 times.  Twenty one to be precise.  So when it comes to Tesla, I'm a "10 percenter."  Meaning that when the modern day cowboys come to town, I go check 'em out 10% of the time.  Ten and a half (10.5%) to be precise.

Feel free to share this material with Seinfeld fans and/or people who drive Tesla automobiles.  Gordonathon, I'm talkin' to you.

#224. Southpointe

One of our favorite couples, who shall remain nameless, is in the process of building a house in Southpointe.  They recently sold their place in Canonsburg.  Congratulations!

 

Truth be told, they're not necessarily "movin' on up."  More like movin' side to side.  You know, one exit closer... to dahntahn.

Regardless, I thought the big transition was worthy of a song.

Southpointe
sonofsaf

I'm movin' up to Southpointe
Gonna leave C-Burg this time
The rat races truth or dare
Tumble for you cultured nation
I'm movin' up to Southpointe
Gonna have low rates of crime
Not racist but very white
No one asking “Do me favors!”
Heading on up to Southpointe
Gonna see if the dining’s fine
I love suburbs that don’t look shitty
I love suburbs no Aunt Jemima
So come on up to Southpointe
Invite us down in time

South Park
Primus

I'm going down to South Park
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation
I'm going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night
People spouting "Howdy neighbor!"
Heading on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind
I love girls with big fat titties
I love girls with deep vaginas
So come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mine

Primus:

7-21-93, Star Lake Amphitheater, Burgettstown, PA (Lollapalooza)

3-14-98, Beaver Dome, Monaca, PA (Beaver Dome - no joke)

6-22-99, Star Lake Amphitheater, Burgettstown, PA (Lollapalooza)

5-22-12, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

4-14-15, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

7-30-17, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

11-2-17, Goodyear Theatre, Akron, OH

6-8-18, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

Please do not share this information with South Park fans, Primus fans, Boy George, stereotyped syrup lovers, and/or Southpointe residents.

#223. Because They're Peeps

Pepsi Cola is launching a new flavor.  It's grounded in the Easter tradition of Peeps.  So let us celebrate the death and torture of Christ by quaffing and slurping mini-cans of sugary sodomy.  

(What the Peter Cottontail fuck?!?)

Makes you wonder what other tempting new "sucrose fructose" flavors might be in the experimental testing stages?  Lucky Charms Pepsi?  Froot Loops Pepsi?  This hip new trend could quickly spiral out of control.  Fun Dip Pepsi?  Circus Peanut Pepsi?  Krispy Kreme Glazed Donut Pepsi?  For the love of Donald J. Trump... Orange Prolapse Push-Pop Pepsi?   

As if Pepsi didn't already have a total monopoly/trademark on the sweetest flavor in the entire carbonated beverage industry.  Disgusting.  Of course there's also a plethora of white trash Mountain Dew drinkers out there.  Maybe they'll come out with Tiramisu Dew.  But that's another story.

 
 

Because They’re Peeps
sonofsaf

What do I drink at dinnertime?
It’s fun, and gives me sugar high

So crack one open, drink it down
Marshmallow flavors gross me out
And the pop is Pepsi
Sugary, because they’re Peeps


It could be worse, so let us pray
You soda dunce and candy gay
Now you’re gay

So crack one open if you dare
Marshmallow flavors don’t be scared
And the shit is Pepsi
Brainwash me and be obscene

It licks you, Peeps Pepsi
It sticks you, Peeps Pepsi
It sucks you, Peeps Pepsi
It fucks you, Peeps Pepsi
Because they’re Peeps

So tell me it’s not caffeine free
Don’t want no lip
Just want to feed
Just want it

I’ll crack one open, it’s so wrong
Worse than a sumo wrestler’s thong
It’s the queer part of me
Sugary because they’re Peeps

It licks you, Peeps Pepsi
It sticks you, Peeps Pepsi
It sucks you, Peeps Pepsi
It fucks you, fucks you, fucks you
Because they’re Peeps

Lickety split

So crack one open if you dare
Marshmallow flavors don’t be scared
And the shit is Pepsi
Brainwash me… obscene

I’ll crack one open, it’s so wrong
It’s wronger than a reused tampon
Masturbate and vape me
Sugary, because they’re Peeps
Because they’re Peeps

 

Until It Sleeps
Metallica

Where do I take this pain of mine?
I run, but it stays right by my side

So tear me open, pour me out
There’s things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps

Just like the curse, just like the stray
You feed it once and now it stays
Now it stays

So tear me open but beware
There’s things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I’m clean

It grips you, so hold me
It stains you, so hold me
It hates you, so hold me
It holds you, so hold me
Until it sleeps

So tell me why you’ve chosen me
Don’t want your grip
Don’t want your greed
Don’t want it

I’ll tear me open, make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me until it sleeps

It grips you, so hold me
It stains you, so hold me
It hates you, so hold me
It holds you, holds you, holds you
Until it sleeps

I don’t want it

So tear me open but beware
There’s things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me... till clean

I’ll tear me open, make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone
And the hate still shapes me
So hold me until it sleeps
Until it sleeps

Back in the mid 90's, my buddy's girlfriend made us these extravagant Easter baskets.  We quickly gobbled up the chocolate.  But what to do with the Peeps?  We took them and constructed a rudimentary "Peep dartboard."  A few days later, she walked in the apartment and saw her Peeps had been repeatedly stabbed and brutalized.  Basically an all-out Peeps version of the Oklahoma City bombing.  She was totally pissed.  They broke up shortly afterwards.   

Metallica:

11-18-88, Cincinnati Gardens, Cincinnati, OH

6-15-88, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA (Monsters of Rock)

6-22-88, Rubber Bowl, Akron, OH (Monsters of Rock)

4-16-89, Hara Arena, Dayton, OH

7-26-92, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA (w/ Guns'n'Roses & Faith No More) 

3-26-97, Civic Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

10-18-18, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

Please do not share this information with employees of Just Born Quality Confections, Peeps enthusiasts, Pepsi drinkers, former President Donald J. Trump, and/or Metallica fans.

 

#222. Job To Blow Peduto

Pittsburgh Mayor Bill Peduto kinda reminds me of a guidance counselor-type character from that early 1970's television series Room 222.  So I hereby decree that Mr. Peduto shall be the unwelcome recipient of my 222th parody.  My other Peduto parody is worth a gander.  Particularly because it incorporated Styx (not Renegade).  Oh mama, the jig is up, the news is out.

The Democratic primary election is set for May 18, 2021.

The first debate takes place this afternoon in Homewood.   

Racial demographics for the city of Pittsburgh:

White: 66.80% 

Black or African American: 23.03% 

Asian: 5.82% 

Two or more races: 3.51%

Allow me to introduce the candidates.  Drumroll please...

On election night, I suspect they'll finish in the order they're shown (from left to right). 

Current Mayor Bill Peduto, State Representative Ed Gainey, retired police officer Tony Moreno, and community organizer Will Parker.  There's a fifth candidate, Mike Thompson, whom I suspect will finish last.

The big question --- in a relatively diluted field of 5 candidates, is there any conceivable way that Peduto could possibly lose?  In all seriousness, who really knows for sure?  I mean, 75 million Americans just voted for an orange prolapse.  That's 12 million more votes than in 2016.  See where I'm coming from?

Gainey's a formidable presence.  Charismatic, sharp, eloquent, etc.  But I just don't see him pulling it out.  UNLESS... one of the candidates decided to launch a smear campaign of unparalleled proportions directly targeting Peduto.  

Just for the record, I happen to like Peduto.  And if I lived in the city I'd probably vote for him.  But I don't live in the city.

Anyhoo, here's the idea for the smear campaign.  It's the traditional cheapo yard sign or old school, low cost flyer.  Produce a ton of them and place them throughout the city.  Particularly in "hard to reach locations" on empty buildings and vacated store fronts.  Bring a footstool or milk crate to get the job done right.  Hint: step up.

'Cause his beard needs a comb
JOB TO BLOW PEDUTO

'Cause he looks like a gnome
JOB TO BLOW PEDUTO

In the human genome
JOB TO BLOW PEDUTO

It’s in his chromosomes
JOB TO BLOW PEDUTO

Is it the Down’s syndrome
JOB TO BLOW PEDUTO

Yeah, I know.  It's the political equivalent of Trump on steroids.  Total character assassination.  Ridiculously mean-spirited to the point of absurdity.  But with a clever twist.  The premise being that city residents will read the signs and think... whoever did this needs to have his mouth worshed out with soap!  But then, in typical Pixburgh fashion, the rumor mill will get going.  And people will realize it's a spin-off of the familiar sounding...

Feel the comforts of home
Get to know Molyneaux 

Everybody be singin' those refrains like a Sunday morning church choir!  Hallelujah!  Ironically, it's one of my wife's go-to favorites.  That, and the intolerably abominable "We buy any car!" 

A month ago, I was listening to the WDVE morning show and they were gabbing about Pittsburgh jingles.  Molyneaux topped the list. 

Please do not share this information with Pittsburgh mayoral candidates Bill Peduto, Ed Gainey, Tony Moreno,Will Parker, Mike Thompson, and/or former President Donald J. Trump.

#221. In Oklahoma

Republican businessman Kevin Hern represents the 1st District of Oklahoma which includes Tulsa. 

Hern's might be a newcomer to Congress, but he's the pure embodiment of Oral Roberts University --- the bracket busting, Cinderella story of this year's March Madness.  And you know what that means.  If he doesn't raise sufficient campaign funds in the next election cycle... he has been telling registered Oklahoma voters that "the lord will call him home."  Interesting strategy in the buckle of the bible belt.

You might recall the infamous televangelist Oral Roberts.  He made a similar plea to his supporters in 1987.  Warning them through a flood of tears, that God would “call him home,” unless he raised $8 million for his university.  The plea reportedly resulted in $9.1 million in donations.  In retrospect, "Operation Don't Let God Kill Me" seemed to work spectacularly well.  Because the famed televangelist somehow miraculously remained healthy... and alive.  Twenty two years later, Roberts died at the age of 91 from natural causes.

 

In Oklahoma
sonofsaf

In ninety five, a bomb exploded why
Tim McVeigh took the fall, FBI was aloof
Nine eleven, so I am told
It was very frustrating when the building began to implode
I heard the city pray

In Oklahoma
(Hern baby Hern) Hern’s a fucking clown
(Hern baby Hern) in Oklahoma
(Hern baby Hern) Hern’s a fucking clown

Legal action has some dissatisfaction
(Hernin')
I want to call his bluff, because he’s so fucked up
Another con, the blow jobs don’t stop
Nobody’s gettin’ along, and running down his nose is snot
I heard the city pray

In Oklahoma
(Hern baby Hern) Hern’s a fucking clown y’all
(Hern baby Hern) in Oklahoma
(Hern baby Hern) Hern’s a fucking clown

Voters want him dead
They pull triggers try to scare
That truly blows
His job’s not very fair

Legal action has some dissatisfaction
(Hernin')
I want to call his bluff, because he’s so fucked up
Another con, the blow jobs don’t stop
Nobody’s gettin’ along, and running down his nose is snot
I heard the city pray

In Oklahoma
(Hern baby Hern) Hern’s a fucking clown
(Hern baby Hern) in Oklahoma
(Hern baby Hern) Hern’s a fucking clown

Hern’s a fucking clown
(Hern baby Hern) in Oklahoma
(Hern baby Hern) Hern’s a fucking clown

In his nose there’s snot
(Needs a mop) in his nose there’s snot

In his nose there’s snot
(Needs a mop) in his nose there’s snot
(Needs a mop) in his nose there’s snot
In his nose there’s snot

In his nose there’s snot
(Needs a mop) in his nose there’s snot
(Needs a mop) in his nose there’s snot
(Needs a mop) in his nose there’s snot
(Needs a mop) in his nose there’s snot
(Needs a mop) in his nose there’s snot
(Needs a mop) in his nose there’s snot
(Needs a mop) in his nose there’s snot
(Needs a mop) in his nose there’s snot
(Needs a mop) in his nose there’s snot

In Oklahoma
(Hern baby Hern) Hern’s a fucking clown
(Hern baby Hern) in Oklahoma
(Hern baby Hern) Hern’s a fucking clown
(Hern baby Hern)
(Hern baby Hern) Hern’s a fucking clown
(Hern baby Hern) in Oklahoma

Disco Inferno
The Trammps

To my surprise, one hundred stories high
People getting loose y'all, getting down on the roof
Folks are screaming, out of control
It was so entertaining when the boogie started to explode
I heard somebody say

disco inferno
(Burn baby burn) burn that mother down
(Burn baby burn) disco inferno
(Burn baby burn) burn that mother down

Satisfaction came in a chain reaction
(Burnin')
I couldn't get enough, so I had to self-destruct
The heat was on, rising to the top
Everybody going strong, and that is when my spark got hot
I heard somebody say

disco inferno
(Burn baby burn) burn that mother down y'all
(Burn baby burn) disco inferno
(Burn baby burn) burn that mother down

Up above my head
I hear music in the air
That makes me know
There's a party somewhere

Satisfaction came in a chain reaction
(Burnin')
I couldn't get enough, so I had to self-destruct
The heat was on, rising to the top
Everybody going strong, and that is when my spark got hot
I heard somebody say

disco inferno
(Burn baby burn) burn that mother down
(Burn baby burn) disco inferno
(Burn baby burn) burn that mother down

burn that mother down
(Burn baby burn) disco inferno
(Burn baby burn) burn that mother down

when my spark gets hot
(Just can't stop) when my spark gets hot

when my spark gets hot
(Just can't stop) when my spark gets hot
(Just can't stop) when my spark gets hot
When my spark gets hot

when my spark gets hot
(Just can't stop) when my spark gets hot
(Just can't stop) when my spark gets hot
(Just can't stop) when my spark gets hot
(Just can't stop) when my spark gets hot
(Just can't stop) when my spark gets hot
(Just can't stop) when my spark gets hot
(Just can't stop) when my spark gets hot
(Just can't stop) when my spark gets hot
(Just can't stop) when my spark gets hot

disco inferno
(Burn baby burn) burn that mother down
(Burn baby burn) disco inferno
(Burn baby burn) burn that mother down
(Burn baby burn)
(Burn baby burn) burn that mother down
(Burn baby burn) disco inferno

Definitely one of the better R&B hits of the 1970's.  Disco Inferno stands the test of time.  I always wondered why there are two "m's" in The Trammps.  So I googled it.  Apparently, the local cops used to refer to them as "the tramps who hang out on the street corner."  So their manager thought it would be a good idea to steal the name, but at the same time, "distinguish themselves and class up their identity a bit"... with an additional "m."

Please do not share this information with Kevin Hern (R-OK), disco fans, and/or anyone affiliated with Oral Roberts University.

#220. Crappiness Is A Thing Called Joe

"Saf, you write a lot of parodies that seem well suited for karaoke night.  Do you ever engage the bar in song?"

The answer is no.

However, I have been known to give singing lessons.  But only for that Cher "do you believe in life after love" song.  Can I Get A Witness would attest.  It was a late night drive home from Star Lake around the year 2000.  Hey, you gotta know how to hit those high notes.

In October of 2020, just before Joe Biden terminated the Orange Prolapse, Cher released a "remake" of the song "Happiness Is A Thing Called Joe."  She polished off the old lyrics and gave it a 2020 presidential twist.  The song was originally written for the 1943 musical Cabin In The Sky.

My ex-Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV) is one of only three U.S. Senators to formally acknowledge the existence of an undiscussable cybersecurity paradox and generational warfare dilemma, i.e., mass, indiscriminate slaughter without conventional weaponry.  

(Manchin offers a vividly generous estimation of Donald J. Trump's genitalia.)

Just for the record, the others are Roger Wicker (R-MS) and the late John McCain (R-AZ).   

As of right now, Joe Manchin's likely better known for his opposition to the filibuster.  Hmm, I guess we'll see how both of these issues play out.  I'd be willing to wager the whole filibuster conundrum will get settled first.  But you never know.  After all, didn't the entire planet just witness an "artificially generated stampede" on January 6, 2021 at the U.S. Capitol?  Insurrection, riot, revolt, etc.  The media just likes to label it as something different.

Crappiness Is A Thing Called Joe
sonofsaf

It seems like crappiness is just a thing called Joe
He loves to fire guns hates abortion doncha know
He loves to pray and fake the Christians don’t ask why
And they know Senator Joe makes us cry

He loves his buddy Pat Toomey, mountains everywhere
But when Joe's Senator, dope I do declare
Trouble comes your way he’s just in it for the show
Joe won’t keep us safe, he has a job to blow
Seems like crappiness is just a thing called Joe

He knows how to defend the electronic warfare
So when Joe defiles us, with the game of truth or dare
Loves to get his way a boy who isn’t grown
Joe won’t keep us safe, he has a job to blow
Seems like crappiness is just a thing called Joe

Senator Joe
Senator Joe
Senator Joe

Happiness Is A Thing Called Joe
Cher

It seems like happiness is just a thing called Joe
He's got a smile that makes the lilacs want to grow
He's got a way that makes the angels heave a sigh
When they know President Joe’s stopping by

Right now our country is gloomy, fear is in the air
But when Joe's president, hope is everywhere
Troubles fly away and life is easy go
Joe will keep us safe, that's all we need to know
Seems like happiness is just a thing called Joe

Sometimes thеre seems no end to misery and dеspair
But when Joe smiles at us, compassion fills the air
Troubles fly away and life is easy flown
Joe will keep us safe, that's all we need to know
Seems like happiness is just a thing called Joe

President Joe
President Joe
President Joe

I've never seen Cher in concert.  Just a bit too flamboyant for my tastes.  There's also the "decades of lingering contempt" angle.  However, Mason and I did briefly stop by PPG Paints Arena in the spring of 2019.  It was an admittedly minimal effort to score freebies.  Ran into Man-Diamond and Can I Get A Witness who were livin' it up.  They later claimed the concert was a blast.

Please do not share this information with Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV), Senator Roger Wicker (R-MS), family members of the late John McCain (R-AZ), former President Donald J. Trump, President Joe Biden, and/or Cher.

#219. Claudia

How about another parody for 16 year old Claudia Conway?  Same title.  Different song.  

(The more selfies ye post, the more hostile parodies I shalt write.)

Hey, let's be honest here.  She's a minor.  

It was her parents, George and KellyAnne, who decided to throw her to wolves.

(My wife's best friend is the Orange Prolapse.)

I wonder if either of them ever considered that her brief appearance on American Idol... would result in a couple of derogatory spoofs.  I might even write a few more.  The last name "Conway" has a veritable plethora of alliterative possibilities.  Er uh... in this case, conceivable ramifications.

Claudia
sonofsaf

Tell you ‘bout Claudia Conway
Her momma is a clown
Just a D.C. whore
Gives sloppy head all around
They all cum inside her rear
Her ass is somewhat tight
She takes the morning wood, Lord
She takes it with delight

And her name is C-L-AW-D-I
C-L-AW-D-I-A
Claudia!
C-L-AW-D-I-A
Claudia!
She’s gonna fuck you all night
Claudia!
She’s gonna fuck you every way
Claudia!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

We cum in her rear
Ass is somewhat tight
She takes the morning wood, Lord
I want to say she takes it with delight
Likes to suck on all the meats (relevant Arby’s reference)
And George is her momma’s spouse
We call her anal whore
She has the smell of perfume
Yeah, and she take sit with delight

C-L-AW-D-I-A
Claudia!
C-L-AW-D-I-A
Claudia!
She’s gonna fuck you all night
Claudia!
She’s gonna fuck you every way
Claudia!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Loves wood
Claudia!
She’s white
Morning wood
Claudia!
She’s white, yeah

Gloria
Grateful Dead

Like to tell you 'bout my baby
You know she comes around
Just 'bout five feet-four
A-from her head to the ground
You know she comes around here
At just about midnight
She make me feel so good, Lord
She make me feel all right

And her name is G-L-O-R-I
G-L-O-R-I-A
Gloria!
G-L-O-R-I-A
Gloria!
I'm gonna shout it all night
Gloria!
I'm gonna shout it every day
Gloria!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

She comes around here
Just about midnight
She make me feel so good, Lord
I want to say she make me feel all right
Comes a-walkin' down my street
Then she comes up to my house
She knock upon my door
And then she comes to my room
Yeah, and she make me feel all right

G-L-O-R-I-A
Gloria!
G-L-O-R-I-A
Gloria!
I'm gonna shout it all night
Gloria!
I'm gonna shout it every day
Gloria!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
So good
Gloria!
All right
Feels so good
Gloria!
All right, yeah

Grateful Dead:

04-08-89, Riverfront Coliseum, Cincinnati, OH
10-22-89, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
07-08-90, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA
09-07-90, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-08-90, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-18-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-20-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-21-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
06-09-91, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
06-14-91, RFK Stadium, Washington, D.C.
06-21-91, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
06-24-91, Sandstone Amphitheatre, Bonner Springs, KS
09-04-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-05-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-06-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-06-92, Rich Stadium, Orchard Park, NY
06-08-92, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-09-92, Richifeld Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-11-92, Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, NY
06-12-92, Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, NY
06-14-92, Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
06-15-92, Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
06-17-92, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
06-18-92, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
06-20-92, RFK Stadium, Washington, D.C.
06-22-92, Star Lake Amphiteatre, Burgettstown, PA
06-23-92, Star Lake Amphiteatre, Burgettstown, PA
06-25-92, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL *
06-26-92, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
07-01-92, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
03-14-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-17-93, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-18-93, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
06-11-93, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
06-18-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-21-93, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN
06-22-93, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN
09-09-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-10-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-20-94, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-21-94, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
07-29-94, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
03-17-95, The Spectrum, Philadelphia, PA
06-30-95, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA *
07-02-95, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN

* - Gloria encore

Van Morrison:

9-7-18, KeyBank Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA *

Please do not share this information with Claudia Conway, KellyAnne Conway, George Conway and/or former President Donald J. Trump

 

#218. Everyday I Fight Mo Brooks

CongressPOS Mo Brooks (R-AL) just announced his candidacy for the U.S. Senate.  Mo's still "all in" on the Trump Train.  I guess nobody told him about the insurrection.  

(Rumor has it that Mo initially gained political fame as a "stand-in" for Mike Pence)

 

With the exception of Doug Jones barely defeating Judge Roy Moore (the reputed shopping mall pedophile), the Democratic party just hasn't fared too well in the land of shrimp and grits.

I'd suggest the Democrats devise a simple, straightforward strategy.  One that would appeal to the traditional mindset of backwoods 'Bama country folk.  Just start calling him Mohammed Brooks at every possible opportunity.  I know, I know... his real first name is Morris.  But who the fuck cares?  After all, him and his buddy the Orange Prolapse absolutely adore derogatory nicknames.  Roll tide! 

Repeat after me.  Congressman Mohammed Brooks.  Representative Mohammed Brooks.  U.S. Senate candidate from the great state of Alabama... Mohammed Brooks.  Trust me, the typical voter down South will not be inclined to cast a ballot for anyone named Mohammed.  Hmm, maybe in the city limits of Birmingham.  But that's about it.

Everyday I Fight Mo Brooks
sonofsaf

Don't tell me you don't know what lies are
When you're old enough a go getter
When you find orange hair is not better
When the shithead turns out to be an asshole
He’s a bitch with no vision let’s charge him with sedition

Alabama and all you forsook
Everyday, everyday, everyday I fight Mo Brooks

Chapter one we thought you were so big and strong
Chapter two we like to pander to the Jews
You’ll never take a knee in the middle of chapter three
But you sure sucked a bag of dicks in chapters four, five and six

It’s your small cock
That tiny cock, and try to fist me, and laugh
In four or five paragraphs
All your business deals we thought you were a shark
It’s easier being left in the dark

Don't tell me you don't know the difference
Between whose blacker and whose whiter
You’ll never be a heroic prizefighter
In an orange prolapse world there’s a ghost written sequel
I’ll still do what is right keep explaining that you’re fecal

 

Everyday I Write The Book
Elvis Costello

Don't tell me you don't know what love is
When you're old enough to know better
When you find strange hands in your sweater
When your dreamboat turns out to be a footnote
I'm a man with a mission in two or three editions

And I'm giving you a longing look
Everyday, everyday, everyday I write the book

Chapter one we didn't really get along
Chapter two I think I fell in love with you
You said you'd stand by me in the middle of chapter three
But you were up to your old tricks in chapters four, five and six

The way you walk
The way you talk, and try to kiss me, and laugh
In four or five paragraphs
All your compliments and your cutting remarks
Are captured here in my quotation marks

Don't tell me you don't know the difference
Between a lover and a fighter
With my pen and my electric typewriter
Even in a perfect world where everyone was equal
I'd still own the film rights and be working on the sequel

 

Elvis Costello & The Imposters:

7-28-08, Post-Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (opened for The Police) 

Please do not share this information with Mo Brooks (R-AL), former President Donald J. Trump, and/or anyone named Mohammed.

#217. Claudia

Sixteen year old Claudia Conway, the daughter of Trump's trusted communications strategist KellyAnne Conway, was eliminated from American Idol yesterday.  Sad!

Claudia had this strange penchant for secretly recording and releasing TikTok videos of her mother engaging in verbal and physical abuse.  The clips are all over the internet and don't show mommy in a particular good light.  In fact, they made her look like a neurotic imbecile.

So, sensing the damage to her reputation, KellyAnne went into full blown damage control mode.  She concocted a plan.  KellyAnne got her daughter, who can't sing for shit, to audition for American Idol.  Somehow, "and then there's Claud," managed to jump the long line of vocal aspirants.  Go figure.

Anyway, the idea here was that the public would get to see the famous mother daughter combo in a more favorable light.  Joking and goofing off, lightly bickering, hugging, fist-bumping poolside, etc.  Thus salvaging KellyAnne's career in political communications.

I knew KellyAnne "Cuntbag" Conway was trouble ever since the day of the Orange Prolapse's 2016 inauguration.  Seriously, what the fuck was this?

Kinda like if the Morton Salt Girl bleached her hair and joined some splinter-fashionista, white nationalist group.  If this isn't the definition of "sinister uber patriotism"...

(What the fucking cinnamon toast?!?)

 

Claudia
sonofsaf

Claudia, you’re mom’s a fucking cunt now
She wants to be my buddy, skinnier than a fat cow
Still workin’ for the ass clown smelling farts and foul shit
It's kinda like a TikTok takedown, and the world's gonna know it

Let’s chop him and dismember, oh his body how it bled
Oh the choices of the dead calling, Claudia?
Claudia, lawsuits that he’s stallin’
Your mother wants to fuck you, she doesn’t wanna be free fallin’  
World’s biggest ass turd
News he’s faking is a crime, oh oh oh, calling Claudia
Claudia (Claudia), Trump is a fucking bummer (Claudia)
He thinks he’s gonna bury us (Claudia) and cast us all asunder (Claudia)
So let’s chop him and dismember, oh his body how it bled
Oh the choices of the dead calling, Claudia?

A ha ha, a ha ha, Claudia, the Tropicana clown
Does your mother want a coke line, or does she wanna be sleeping around
Do you think that Trump looks funny, seems like an animated cartoon
Feel his impotence limping today, his mushroom dick cuming too soon

And you really don't remember, oh his body how it bled
Oh the choices of the dead, Claudia
Claudia, lawsuits that he’s stallin’
Your mother wants to fuck you, she doesn’t wanna be free fallin’
World’s biggest ass turd
News he’s faking is a crime, oh oh oh, calling Claudia
Claudia (Claudia), Your mom’s a bitch a bluner (Claudia)
He thinks he’s gonna bury us (Claudia) and cast us all asunder (Claudia)
So let’s chop him and dismember, oh his body how it bled
Oh the choices of the dead calling, Claudia

Gloria
Laura Branigan

Gloria, you're always on the run now
Running after somebody, you gotta get him somehow
I think you've got to slow down before you start to blow it
I think you're headed for a breakdown, so be careful not to show it

You really don't remember, was it something that he said?
Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?
Gloria, don't you think you're fallin'?
If everybody wants you, why isn't anybody callin'?
You don't have to answer
Leave them hangin' on the line, oh oh oh, calling Gloria
Gloria (Gloria), I think they got your number (Gloria)
I think they got the alias (Gloria) that you've been living under (Gloria)
But you really don't remember, was it something that they said?
Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?

A ha ha, a ha ha, Gloria, how's it gonna go down?
Will you meet him on the main line, or will you catch him on the rebound?
Will you marry for the money, take a lover in the afternoon?
Feel your innocence slipping away, don't believe it's comin' back soon

And you really don't remember, was it something that he said?
Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?
Gloria, don't you think you're fallin'?
If everybody wants you, why isn't anybody callin'?
You don't have to answer
Leave them hangin' on the line, oh-oh-oh, calling Gloria
Gloria (Gloria), I think they got your number (Gloria)
I think they got the alias (Gloria) that you've been living under (Gloria)
But you really don't remember, was it something that they said?
Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria? 

Never got to see Laura Branigan.  Believe it or not, she came to the Burgh just once back in 1985 for a free Independence Day concert at Point State Park.  She died in 2004 at age 52 from a brain aneurysm.  Truth be told, I had no idea she was no longer with us.  I did find it intriguing that the 2019 St. Louis Blues used "Gloria" as their official Stanley Cup victory song.  Gotta admit, it kinda grows on you.

10-4-17, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA (St. Louis Blues vs. Pittsburgh Penguins)

Please do not share this information with Claudia Conway, KellyAnne Conway, former President Donald J. Trump, and/or anyone affiliated with American Idol and the St. Louis Blues.    

#215. Fukushima Earthquake

A few days ago, an earthquake hit Japan.  Magnitude 7.0.

Makes me think back to the Fukushima Daiichi disaster from a decade ago (March 11, 2011).  

Just in case you've forgotten...

Let me put this in terms that Americans are more likely to understand.

 

Fukushima Earthquake
sonofsaf

There was a Fukushima earthquake in the year of ’21
The men they masturbated with oriental cat meat
Mr. Fuji and Mr. Saito's tag team belts were theirs to stay
So we’ll let you earn subsistence and throw salt in your face

Donald Trump was golfing his orange prolapse fell out
And the bulge was so prolific it even made a sound
Trump’s the biggest asshole piece of shit you know it ain’t enough
Lord he’s trying to act so old school but the shit is Donald Trump

Fukushima earthquake you are not a lot of fun
We used to play Atari Lord now it’s all Poke-E-Mon
Put the lotion in the basket Lord the land of rising sun
We'll turn that smirk into a frown and renew the hate and disdain

In the wake of tsunami time the earth is filled with meek
The planet’s like a world burning with flames to meet and greet
Lord now he said I will bring the pain real world ground and pound
Tokyo to Osaka the fury and the sound

Fukushima earthquake you are not a lot of fun…

Then came one night the amateur Lord so hungover New Years Day
The shots of Royal Crown chasin’ all our dreams away
Let’s just agree that the gods are pissed and yes we all our doomed
But still we’ll rise from the ashes to the screams of the humans

Fukushima earthquake you are not a lot of fun…
Lord we'll turn that smirk into a frown and renew hate and disdain

California Earthquake
Grateful Dead

There was a California earthquake in the year of '83
It shook the living daylights out of the Owens County Seat
There weren't a building still left standing when the dust had cleared away
Just a rumble in the distance all the way to San Andrea

Sherman Buck was driving his old mule into town
When a big one came and shook so hard that it knocked him to the ground
Lord there opened up a hole so big he thought his time was up
Lord it swallowed up that poor old mule and it just missed Sherman Buck

California earthquake you just don't know what you've done
We may fall off in the ocean Lord you'll never make us run
You're a partner of the devil Lord we ain't afraid of him
We'll build ourselves another town so you can tear it down again

Then came the quake of '99 that levelled Mission Creek
The earth was like an ocean churning with waves of twenty feet
Lord it sounded like a thousand trains were screaming underground
Clean across to San Joachim they heard that mournful sound

California earthquake you just don't know what you've done...

Then came one day the holocaust Lord on rocks of Franciso Bay
Miles of walls came down like old Jericho that day
Might near everything the earthquake missed a holy fire consumed
Just left 'em smoke and the ashes of the dreams that can't be ruined

California earthquake you just don't know what you've done...
Lord we'll build ourselves another town you can tear it down again

 

Grateful Dead:

04-08-89, Riverfront Coliseum, Cincinnati, OH
10-22-89, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
07-08-90, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA
09-07-90, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-08-90, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-18-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-20-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-21-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
06-09-91, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
06-14-91, RFK Stadium, Washington, D.C.
06-21-91, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
06-24-91, Sandstone Amphitheatre, Bonner Springs, KS
09-04-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-05-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-06-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-06-92, Rich Stadium, Orchard Park, NY
06-08-92, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-09-92, Richifeld Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-11-92, Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, NY
06-12-92, Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, NY
06-14-92, Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
06-15-92, Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
06-17-92, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
06-18-92, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
06-20-92, RFK Stadium, Washington, D.C.
06-22-92, Star Lake Amphiteatre, Burgettstown, PA
06-23-92, Star Lake Amphiteatre, Burgettstown, PA
06-25-92, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
06-26-92, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
07-01-92, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
03-14-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-17-93, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-18-93, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
06-11-93, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
06-18-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-21-93, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN
06-22-93, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN
09-09-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-10-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-20-94, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-21-94, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
07-29-94, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
03-17-95, The Spectrum, Philadelphia, PA
06-30-95, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA
07-02-95, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN

Regrettably, I missed the Charlotte, NC "California Earthquake" opener in the fall of 1989.  I caught the previous night's concert.  The Dead only played that song twice.  Once in Charlotte and three nights before at The Spectrum. 

Just for the record, it's a cover song originally written by Rodney Crowell.

Please do not share this information with any person who has been impacted by an earthquake or tsunami.

#214. Crow Jimmy

As Republican state legislatures push to disenfranchise millions of black voters ahead of the 2022 election, I suspect you'll be hearing the term "Jim Crow" with ever-increasing frequency.

(Crazy dark people shouldn't be allowed to vote!  Right?)

 

(There... that's better.  Stop the steal!  Stop the steal!)

 

 

Crow Jimmy
sonofsaf

Donald Trump’s a prolapse with orange hair
Shithead rep and he doesn’t care
That poor comb it’s all so wrong
Always rotten to the core

Donald Trump’s dead let the good times roll
Always failed and never kept score
What’s his crime? Coup d’etat fo sho
Masturbator, distrust you know


And I say Crow, Jimmy Crow
You can’t vote here
Don’t you know
The way of things to and fro
Low down, crow, crow, crow
Crow, crow

Long tie and a collar’s what he wears
Operates without a god damn care
Look at Donald steal the show
The monopoly of don’t pass go

And I say Crow, Jimmy Crow
You can’t vote here
Don’t you know
The way of things to and fro
Low down, crow, crow, crow
Crow, crow

Voting rights would make us glad
Leave the Republicans oh so sad
Black old ladies status quo
Southern Dems sweet potato

And I say Crow, Jimmy Crow
You can’t vote here
Don’t you know
The way of things to and fro
Low down, crow, crow, crow
Crow, crow

Turn the country upside down
Donald Trump’s a prolapse and a clown
Piece of shit his wife’s a whore
Such bad luck didn’t get four more

And I say Crow, Jimmy Crow
You can’t vote here
Don’t you know
The way of things to and fro
Low down, crow, crow, crow
Crow, crow

Row Jimmy
Grateful Dead

Julie catch a rabbit by his hair
Come back step, like to walk on air
Get back home where you belong
And don't you run off no more

Don't hang your head let the two-time roll
Grass shack nailed to a pine wood floor
Ask the time? Baby I don't know
Come back later, we'll let it show 

And I say row, Jimmy row
Gonna get there?
I don't know
Seems a common way to go
Get down, row, row, row
Row, row

Here's my half a dollar if you dare
Double twist when you hit the air
Look at Julie down below
The levee doin the do-pas-o

And I say row, Jimmy, row
Gonna get there?
I don't know
Seems a common way to go
Get down, row, row, row
Row, row

Broken heart don't feel so bad
Ain't got half a what you thought you had
Rock your baby to and fro
Not too fast and not too slow

And I say row, Jimmy, row
Gonna get there?
I don't know
Seems a common way to go
Get down, row, row, row
Row, row

That's the way it's been in town
Ever since they tore the juke box down
Two-bit piece don't buy no more
Not so much as it done before

And I say row, Jimmy, row
Gonna get there?
I don't know
Seems a common way to go
Get down, row, row, row
Row, row

Grateful Dead:

04-08-89, Riverfront Coliseum, Cincinnati, OH
10-22-89, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
07-08-90, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA
09-07-90, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-08-90, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-18-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-20-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-21-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
06-09-91, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
06-14-91, RFK Stadium, Washington, D.C.
06-21-91, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
06-24-91, Sandstone Amphitheatre, Bonner Springs, KS
09-04-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-05-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-06-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-06-92, Rich Stadium, Orchard Park, NY
06-08-92, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-09-92, Richifeld Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-11-92, Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, NY
06-12-92, Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, NY
06-14-92, Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
06-15-92, Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
06-17-92, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
06-18-92, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
06-20-92, RFK Stadium, Washington, D.C.
06-22-92, Star Lake Amphiteatre, Burgettstown, PA
06-23-92, Star Lake Amphiteatre, Burgettstown, PA
06-25-92, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
06-26-92, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
07-01-92, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
03-14-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-17-93, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-18-93, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
06-11-93, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
06-18-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-21-93, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN
06-22-93, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN
09-09-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-10-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-20-94, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-21-94, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
07-29-94, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
03-17-95, The Spectrum, Philadelphia, PA
06-30-95, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA
07-02-95, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN

One of my favorite Grateful Dead memories was the summer of 1990.  The Goodyear blimp hovering above Three Rivers Stadium during a soulful performance of Row Jimmy.

Please do not share this information with any Republicans actively involved in voter suppression.

 

#213. Florida Spring

Spring break alert!  Curfew violations, public intoxication, etc.  Over 1,000 arrests last weekend down in South Beach.  Various racial backgrounds.

Winter insurrection alert!  Fatalities, injuries, etc.  Zero arrests at the U.S. Capitol over in Washington, D.C.  All of them white followers of the Orange Prolapse.

Just an interesting discrepancy.

Florida Spring
sonofsaf

It’s a Florida spring break
Like to drink and drive, uh-oh
Listen to their cries
Doesn’t matter if you’re gay
We won’t go back to school, uh-oh
The cops are not so cool, no

You're the one whose covered in blood
You stepped in the dog shit
An all out attack and you’re jacking off and cuming out aloud
Vomiting is not so nice
Throwing up that Slim Jim
You will be arrested was there ever any doubt

It’s a Florida spring break
Like to drink and drive, uh-oh
Listen to their cries
Doesn’t matter if you’re gay
We won’t go back to school, uh-oh
The cops are not so cool, no

Boys were lookin’ to start fights
Everyone was freakin’
Then you fucked an undercover who was sucking on your bone
All the world's filled with whores
Wanna stick your meat in
The periodic blood, girl, your pubic hair needs combed

It’s a Florida spring break
Like to drink and drive, uh-oh
Listen to their cries
Doesn’t matter if you’re gay
We won’t go back to school, uh-oh
The cops are not so cool, no

Just cum, just cum oh man, oh man holla, holla back now, holla
Always, always order, reuben with extra sauerkraut
(Spring break’s a fake)
Spreadin’, spreadin’ they are, they are Covid, Covid germin', germin'
Like a twitter fake that wants to swallow up your cock
(All shake, no bake)
You’ve been, you've been twerkin’, twerkin' up a, up above
And your hips only, only moving to that hip hop techno style
(Hits from the bong)
Take a, take another hit until you’re fried
(It’s a cock)
And it’s sole purpose is to defile

So take a look around the world
And don’t ever ask us why
There’s a place in the whole wide world
F-Florida is nice
Florida is nice
Florida is nice
Best place in all the world

F-f-f-Florida spring, ooh-ah-ah
F-f-f-Florida spring, break
F-f-f-Florida spring, ooh-ah-ah
F-f-f-Florida spring, break

It’s a Florida spring break
Like to drink and drive, uh-oh
Listen to their cries
Doesn’t matter if you’re gay
We won’t go back to school, uh-oh
The cops are not so cool, no

 

Cold Hearted
Paula Abdul

He's a cold-hearted snake
Look into his eyes, uh-oh
He's been tellin' lies
He's a lover boy at play
He don't play by the rules, uh-oh
Girl don't play the fool, no

You're the one givin' up the love
Anytime he needs it
But you turn your back and then he's off and runnin' with the crowd
You're the one to sacrifice
Anything to please him
Do you really think he thinks about you when he's out?

He's a cold-hearted snake
Look into his eyes, uh-oh
He's been tellin' lies
He's a lover boy at play
He don't play by the rules, uh-oh
Girl don't play the fool, no

It was only late last night
He was out there sneakin'
Then he called you up to check that you were waiting by the phone
All the world's a candy store
He's been trick or treatin'
When it comes to true love, girl, with him there's no one home

He's a cold-hearted snake
Look into his eyes, uh-oh
He's been tellin' lies
He's a lover boy at play
He don't play by the rules, uh-oh
Girl don't play the fool, no

How come, how come he can, he can tell-a, tell-a you're-a, you're-a
Always, always number, number one without a doubt
(He's one cold snake)
When-a, when-a he is, he is always, always squirmin', squirmin'
Like a little snake under-a e-ver-y-a rock
(No give, all take)
You've been, you've been workin', workin' on the, on the love
And he's been only, only playing undercover all the while
(One smooth sharp tongue)
Take a, take another, 'nother look into his eyes
(He just talks)
And you will on-ly see a rep-tile

You could find somebody better girl
He could only make you cry
You deserve somebody better girl
He's c-cold as ice
He's cold as ice
He's cold as ice
Stay away from him, girl

C-c-c-cold-hearted, ooh-ah-ah
C-c-c-cold-hearted, snnnnnake
C-c-c-cold-hearted, ooh-ah-ah
C-c-c-cold-hearted, snnnnnake

He's a cold-hearted snake
Look into his eyes, uh-oh
He's been tellin' lies
He's a lover boy at play
He don't play by the rules, uh-oh
Girl don't play the fool, no

Paula Abdul:  

July 1, 2017, PPG Paints Arena (she opened for New Kids On The Block)

Believe it or not, I actually went to this show.  NKOTB was absurdly loud to the point of utter distortion.

Please do not share this information with Paula Abdul and/or spring breakers.    

 

#212. Reed

Finally!  Congressman Tom Reed begrudgingly announced his retirement.  

Coincidentally, it happened right after the latest allegations of sexual misconduct.  He apologized but denied any wrongdoing.  Go figure! 

I'd like to think my previous platinum parody played a part --- Dirty Reed One Big Creep. 

Maybe it did.  Maybe it didn't.  Whatever. 

So here's a brand new celebratory song about Tom Reed.  Known simply as... Reed.

Reed
sonofsaf

Say a prayer, say a prayer, say a prayer
Say a prayer, say a prayer, pray if I’m told
Do the time, do the time, do the time
Do the time, time, time for the crime

Like to play, likes to play, likes to play
Likes to play, to play, to play on his phone
Gettin laid, gettin’ laid, gettin’ laid
Gettin’ laid, I’m laid, most

Even if you stab, even if you bleed
You won’t even care, unless I am Tom Reed
Mickey was a mouse, Minnie wasn’t free
I’m not one to spare, a square of T.P.

You’re dead, you’re dead
You’re dead, you’re dead
You’re dead, you’re dead
You’re dead, you’re dead

Say a prayer, say a prayer, say a prayer
Say a prayer, say a prayer, pray if I’m told
Do the time, do the time, do the time
Do the time, time, time for the crime

Get away, get away, get away
Get away, away, away from your home
I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid
I'm afraid, afraid, ghost

Even if you stab, even if you bleed
You won’t even care, unless I am Tom Reed
Mickey was a mouse, Minnie wasn’t free
I’m not one to spare, a square of T.P.

You’re dead, you’re dead
You’re dead, you’re dead
You’re dead, you’re dead
You’re dead, you’re dead

Even if you stab, even if you bleed
You won’t even care, unless I am Tom Reed
Mickey was a mouse, Minnie wasn’t free
I’m not one to spare, a square of T.P.

You’re dead, you’re dead
You’re dead, you’re dead
You’re dead, you’re dead
You’re dead, you’re dead

You’re dead
Yeah, dead

Breed
Nirvana

I don't care, I don't care, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care, care if it's old
I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind
I don't mind, mind, don't have a mind

Get away, get away, get away
Get away, away, away from your home
I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid
I'm afraid, afraid, ghost

Even if you have, even if you need
I don't mean to stare, we don't have to breed
We could plant a house, we could build a tree
I don't even care, we could have all three

She said, she said
She said, she said
She said, she said
She said, she said

I don't care, I don't care, I don't care
I don't care, care, care if it's old
I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind
I don't mind, mind, don't have a mind

Get away, get away, get away
Get away, away, away from your home
I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid
I'm afraid, afraid, ghost

Even if you have, even if you need
I don't mean to stare, we don't have to breed
We can plant a house, we can build a tree
I don't even care, we could have all three

She said, she said
She said, she said
She said, she said
She said, she said

Even if you have, even if you need
I don't mean to stare, we don't have to breed
We can plant a house, we can build a tree
I don't even care, we could have all three

She said, she said
She said, she said
She said, she said
She said, she said

She said
Said, good

I never saw Nirvana.  The closest I came was back in 1989 when I saw Sacred Reich surf Nicaragua in the upstairs of this ghetto building in Wilknsburg known as The Sonic Temple.  Nirvana showed up the following month.  But alas, I was nowhere to be found. 

Please do not share this information with Congressman Tom Reed (R-NY).

#211. Border Line

People ask me everyday, "Saf, what's your favorite Madonna song?"  And I always give the same reply. "Borderline bitches."  

Madonna's played the Civic Arena back in 1985.  Her return to the Burgh would come 27 years later in 2012.  Twas the night of the Obama/Romney presidential election.  She came on stage at 10:45pm and the concert didn't end until well into the wee hours of November 7.  I was not in attendance but I think it would have been comical to hear the incessant complaints from the crowd.  Picture the myriad of gay men and drag queens preparing for the greatest night of their life.  Not to mention the thrice divorcees who shelled out hundreds, and even thousands, of dollars for tickets, limos, Zima, etc.  

The weather was predictably cold that night so I imagine many headed inside when the gates first opened at 6:30pm.     

"Where is she?"  

"Where's Madonna?"  

"What's taking so long?"

Then, I'm sure the crowd progressively grew more irritated and agitated.  

"I don't understand what's taking so long!"

"What the fuck is going?!?"

"Where the fuck is the Material Girl?!?"

"Inseminate the virgin!"  "Sacrifice the virgin!"

I realize that I'm generally regarded as a somewhat demented individual... but I just think the unusual, all-encompassing dynamic in the arena that evening would have made for some stellar entertainment.  But that's just me.  

Not as good as this but you get my drift.

Makes me wonder if those two consult with each other before their photo-ops.  Specifically regarding the degree of chest hair exposure.

 

Border Line
sonofsaf

Fucking Donald Trump hated when you took a knee
He said lock them up as prisoners
And baby, throw away the key
He liked to play the part
Didn’t have a heart
Cross a river hope they drown

The seeds of division show
Move like escargot
Really feels like ground and pound
A comprehensive plan
They need a helping hand
Nothing ever comes for free

Border line
Immigration should not be a crime
It’s all about pushing the drugs over the border line
Border line
Immigration should not be a crime
It’s all about pushing the drugs over the border line

Fucking Donald Trump is sayin’ nuthin’ comes for free
As he likes to cause great harm
Malicious for us all to see
And then he comes to town
As we drink and drown
End up in the lost and found
Don’t tell me where to stay
Life in disarray
The choice it never went my way

A comprehensive plan
They need a helping hand
Nothing ever comes for free

Border line
Immigration should not be a crime
It’s all about pushing the drugs over the border line
Border line
Immigration should not be a crime
It’s all about pushing the drugs over the border line
Keep pushing drugs, keep pushing drugs
Keep pushing the drugs, c'mon baby, c'mon darling, yeah
Keep on pushing the drugs over the border line, border line

Borderline
Madonna

Something in the way you love me won't let me be
I don't want to be your prisoner
So baby, won't you set me free?
Stop playing with my heart
Finish what you start
When you make my love come down

If you want me, let me know
Baby, let it show
Honey, don't you fool around
Just try to understand
I've given all I can
'Cause you got the best of me

Borderline
Feels like I'm going to lose my mind
You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline
Borderline
Feels like I'm going to lose my mind
You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline

Something in your eyes is makin' such a fool of me
When you hold me in your arms
You love me till I just can't see
But then you let me down
When I look around
Baby, you just can't be found
Stop driving me away
I just wanna stay
There's something I just got to say

Just try to understand
I've given all I can
'Cause you got the best of me

Borderline
Feels like I'm going to lose my mind
You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline
Borderline
Feels like I'm going to lose my mind
You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline
Keep pushing me, keep pushing me
Keep pushing my love, c'mon baby, c'mon darling, yeah
Keep on pushing my love over the borderline, borderline

Will I ever get to see Madonna live in concert?  Doubtful.  Will I be able to cope with this definitive outcome?  Assuredly.

Please do not share this information with Madonna, the Biden administration, and/or immigrants from along the Southern border.