#223. Because They're Peeps

Pepsi Cola is launching a new flavor.  It's grounded in the Easter tradition of Peeps.  So let us celebrate the death and torture of Christ by quaffing and slurping mini-cans of sugary sodomy.  

(What the Peter Cottontail fuck?!?)

Makes you wonder what other tempting new "sucrose fructose" flavors might be in the experimental testing stages?  Lucky Charms Pepsi?  Froot Loops Pepsi?  This hip new trend could quickly spiral out of control.  Fun Dip Pepsi?  Circus Peanut Pepsi?  Krispy Kreme Glazed Donut Pepsi?  For the love of Donald J. Trump... Orange Prolapse Push-Pop Pepsi?   

As if Pepsi didn't already have a total monopoly/trademark on the sweetest flavor in the entire carbonated beverage industry.  Disgusting.  Of course there's also a plethora of white trash Mountain Dew drinkers out there.  Maybe they'll come out with Tiramisu Dew.  But that's another story.

 
 

Because They’re Peeps
sonofsaf

What do I drink at dinnertime?
It’s fun, and gives me sugar high

So crack one open, drink it down
Marshmallow flavors gross me out
And the pop is Pepsi
Sugary, because they’re Peeps


It could be worse, so let us pray
You soda dunce and candy gay
Now you’re gay

So crack one open if you dare
Marshmallow flavors don’t be scared
And the shit is Pepsi
Brainwash me and be obscene

It licks you, Peeps Pepsi
It sticks you, Peeps Pepsi
It sucks you, Peeps Pepsi
It fucks you, Peeps Pepsi
Because they’re Peeps

So tell me it’s not caffeine free
Don’t want no lip
Just want to feed
Just want it

I’ll crack one open, it’s so wrong
Worse than a sumo wrestler’s thong
It’s the queer part of me
Sugary because they’re Peeps

It licks you, Peeps Pepsi
It sticks you, Peeps Pepsi
It sucks you, Peeps Pepsi
It fucks you, fucks you, fucks you
Because they’re Peeps

Lickety split

So crack one open if you dare
Marshmallow flavors don’t be scared
And the shit is Pepsi
Brainwash me… obscene

I’ll crack one open, it’s so wrong
It’s wronger than a reused tampon
Masturbate and vape me
Sugary, because they’re Peeps
Because they’re Peeps

 

Until It Sleeps
Metallica

Where do I take this pain of mine?
I run, but it stays right by my side

So tear me open, pour me out
There’s things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps

Just like the curse, just like the stray
You feed it once and now it stays
Now it stays

So tear me open but beware
There’s things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I’m clean

It grips you, so hold me
It stains you, so hold me
It hates you, so hold me
It holds you, so hold me
Until it sleeps

So tell me why you’ve chosen me
Don’t want your grip
Don’t want your greed
Don’t want it

I’ll tear me open, make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me until it sleeps

It grips you, so hold me
It stains you, so hold me
It hates you, so hold me
It holds you, holds you, holds you
Until it sleeps

I don’t want it

So tear me open but beware
There’s things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me... till clean

I’ll tear me open, make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone
And the hate still shapes me
So hold me until it sleeps
Until it sleeps

Back in the mid 90's, my buddy's girlfriend made us these extravagant Easter baskets.  We quickly gobbled up the chocolate.  But what to do with the Peeps?  We took them and constructed a rudimentary "Peep dartboard."  A few days later, she walked in the apartment and saw her Peeps had been repeatedly stabbed and brutalized.  Basically an all-out Peeps version of the Oklahoma City bombing.  She was totally pissed.  They broke up shortly afterwards.   

Metallica:

11-18-88, Cincinnati Gardens, Cincinnati, OH

6-15-88, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA (Monsters of Rock)

6-22-88, Rubber Bowl, Akron, OH (Monsters of Rock)

4-16-89, Hara Arena, Dayton, OH

7-26-92, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA (w/ Guns'n'Roses & Faith No More) 

3-26-97, Civic Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

10-18-18, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

Please do not share this information with employees of Just Born Quality Confections, Peeps enthusiasts, Pepsi drinkers, former President Donald J. Trump, and/or Metallica fans.