mindless heckling

I just went for a 2 1/2 mile run. Just as I was entering Wheeling Park, a school bus inscribed with the phrase "Laughlin County Schools" passed me by. This fat kid with a crew cut and glasses pokes his head out the window and yells "FAGGOT!" I'm guessing he was in 4th grade, maybe 5th. But it was definitely elementary school, not middle.

Anyway, much to my surprise, the bus comes to a complete stop. I see the fat kid immediately raise the window. I zip around to the bus driver side and engage the bus driver.

Driver: "What did he yell at you?"
Me: "Hey, let me on the bus. I want to talk to him. It'll be great. I assure you he'll never yell out the window again."
Driver: "I can't let you on the bus. I'll get fired. So what was it he said?"
Me: "I can't give you specifics on that. C'mon just let me on the bus. I won't do anything bad. I just want to have a word with him.
Driver: I can't. What did he say?"
Me: "Well, I just can't rat him out. Let's just say he made a derogatory remark that wasn't profane."
Driver: "That's what I thought."

I was really bummed he wouldn't me on the bus. My shirt was on the verge of getting a little sweaty. Could you imagine the fear in this kid's heart as I make the slow walk down the aisle to the end of the bus?

Honestly, I wasn't even remotely upset. I thought the whole incident was kind of comical. My initial idea was to lecture him on his first amendment rights. I was going to explain that his behavior was similar to that of the Westboro Baptist Church. Personally though, I enjoyed the experience and while I cannot condone his actions, I'd let him know that others might be very offended. I also wanted to ask the kid how he inferred from my appearance (shorts, t-shirt, tennis shoes) that I was gay. Maybe I was running like a pansy, you know - in a manner which incorporates "gay frolicking." I don't think so, but it's possible.
Hey, I just ran that 5 mile "Freedom" race on Monday, July 4th. I remember my time as 46:02. Basically 9 minute and change miles. As I crossed the finish line, I even yelled "FRREEEEDOMMMMM" like my favorite anti-semite Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart.

And one other observation. I might be way off base. He may have yelled "MAGGOT" but I seriously doubt it. I would have vastly preferred the term "Maggot." As if I was a side of beef running through the hot sun covered in a swath of gnats. But it sounded like "Faggot" to me (98% sure). I imagine the bus driver disciplined the punk, but I really don't care either way.

Maybe I had it coming. A couple weeks ago I flipped off this maroon F-150 pickup truck at the Washington PA I-70/79 split. This asshole was driving like a maniac, weaving in and out of cars, and then of course had to slam on his brakes because of the traffic in front of him. So I gave him the finger and a look of disgust.

This fucking idiot veers off at the last possible second. In my rear view mirror I see the dust kicked up and him charging towards me. This piece of shit got right on my ass and starts swerving at me, forcing me off the road (not the median, the rumble strip lane on the right side). Seriously, it was either go off the road or he would have hit me.

He grinds to a complete stop, angling me in against the guard rail. He starts screaming at me from the drivers seat. A terrified grandfather is sitting in the passenger seat (the passenger looked like Bill Cosby's dad from the Cosby show). And there was a little black girl in the back seat poking her head out. She looked like a lighter version of "Rudy Huxtable" from the same show.

Anyway, this guy is just screaming his head off. "Fuck you! I'll kill you next time mother fucker! Fuck You!" Stuff of this nature for about 8 seconds. I'm just blown away that he came to a dead stop in the middle of the slow lane. The back part of the truck is sticking out into the interstate. Could have easily been an accident as this is a highly traveled section of I-70.

Then he simply pulled away and got off at the next exit. I was still a little in shock. Not really scared, just more in disbelief. I've had a few encounters with road rage, but nothing like this. He was intent on using his car as a weapon. It never dawned on me to call 911. Maybe I should have afterwards and reported him. I didn't get the plate number, but it was an Ohio plate. Oh well, so be it.

What's crazier is I never flip people off on the road. Occasionally, I'll give them the "you really shouldn't be allowed to operate a motor vehicle" look of admonishment. However, a couple years ago I did flip off a stretch of vehicles at the same intersection. Now that is some crazy irony. It was the entire Pitt Panthers entourage on their way to Mo-Town for the backyard brawl. They had been hogging up both lanes with a police escort. And it wasn't just one bus. It was more like 3 buses, 6 vans and a few police cruisers with their lights flashing. So I sped past with my middle finger outstretched, proudly out the window for the entire dozen or so vehicles. And I got all of them, knowing full well they'll all be taking I-79 South at the split. That's the only time I've ever been so bold as to flip off the pigs. And I must say, this momentous perching was flipping spectacular.

So I probably deserved it as everything kind of came full circle. Ahhh, the balance of life.

many have inquired...

Many people have asked me, "Saf, what's up? Why haven't you posted any profound tales or disturbing observations in the past couple months?"

Answer - I've been writing a book. My goal is to submit the entire thing for copyright on August 1, 2011. On the same date, I'll publish the entire thing as one sole blog entry. The book consists of 10 chapters in which I discuss my opinions on a variety of topics (Art, Labor, Leisure, Music, People, Politics, Sports, Religion and a "brochure" of misguided self-promotion). The 9th chapter deals with a potential imminent threat to the national security of the Unites States - a prognostication of epic proportions which has fundamentally shaped the way I perceive government, private industry, humanity and the future of warfare.

After the dust settles, I'll get back to writing about the usual crap - Maury Povich, bad restaurants and a few concert reviews. Until then, be well and enjoy the summer. SAF

tree progression

Well, there has been an intreeging turn of events. I spoke with Fuckface's grounds crew and they said they'd cut a path through my driveway and throw everything up on the hillside for $250. I was relatively pleased with this arrangement. Then, 20 minutes later they rang my door bell and said it would be an additional $350 to handle the debris and remainder of the trees on said property of Fuckface. They said it would have enraged him if they left the remaining trees and branches on his hillside. From their perspective, that does make a lot of sense. And while I could care less if my neighbor loathes, detests, despises and has great animosity for me... I wouldn't want to drive a wedge between his grounds crew and him. They get plenty of business from the subhuman.

So I was a little distressed. I decided to get a second opinion and revisit the cemetery. I had earlier met with the claims/risk manager for the company which represents the cemetery. Although very pleasant, he dismissed my concerns in an email claiming it was "an act of God." Now whether I believe in invisible overseers or not... that's largely irrelevant when it comes to a massive tree stump. Even though Jesus is supposed to appear on May 22, 2011 with this end of the world thing on the way, I doubt he'll have time to grind up Stumpy.

So I went back to the cemetery and this time spoke with the manager. We drove up and I showed him the carnage. He was incredibly receptive and seemed very interested in assisting. I think my demeanor may have played a role. I was very honest and forthright. I told him I didn't want to play semantics and deal with potential surveyors, let alone insurance carriers. I just told him it was a close call with 2 out of the 4 trees. He said he'd look into it and get back to me later this afternoon. He proclaimed, "If they were our trees, we'll take car of it." He sounded very reassuring, but I was still anxious and generally pessimistic.

Well, I got back from lunch and parked at the bottom of the hill. As I walked up the hill in the rain, I see a sedan sitting in the spot at the base of my driveway. I'm afraid to park underneath this tree that's hanging there. Honestly, it could go at anytime. Anyway, there these 2 guys standing in the rain. "Are you the one who owns the brown house?" Yep. "We're waiting on the boss. Looks like we'll be removing everything."

I'm blown away. "You mean the cemetery is going to take care of everything?" Yep.

Sure enough, the boss stopped up and we all hung out in the overhang of Fuckface's garage and chatted for a bit. They said they'll take care of everything tomorrow. Talk about ecstasy. I'm still a tiny bit guarded. I'll believe it when I see it, but at least for now, it would appear that I have been the recipient of a miracle.

It's odd how God works. First he unleashes agonizing wrath and venom in the form of a microburst. Then, his Catholic insurance rep, although very pleasant, dismisses my claim. Fuckface's maintenance crew gives me a reasonable offer but then has to tack on the cost of clearing "the yard of the enemy." So I go back to the cemetery people and get a much more rewarding response. So we'll see how it all transpires. I'd be shocked if things take a turn for the worse.

At least for now, it would appear as though the "Catholic" God is the correct choice. He seeks for you to undergo trials and tribulations with these natural disasters. I've always wondered which particular God is the right choice, as if inferior humans would have the ability to determine which one's correct. I suppose that's why the choice is usually made for you in advance via your parents and their parents and their parents and so on.

I refuse to pick and choose any of the god(s), but if I must, I'll trend toward a hybrid God - 50% of whatever the Chrisagii tell me to worship and the other 50% - straight Catholic. Sounds like this could work. I'll be sorry to see the trees go. As disruptive as they were, I'm sure it was a considerable source of anguish for Fuckface. Ohhh the pain he must have endured. Kind of reminds of the movie "The Passion of the Christ." I watched some of that movie - kind of exhausting. Fuckface's pain and agony, although purely mental, must be comparable to the physical suffering endured by Christ. And what's truly amusing... half of this analogy is for real.

trees

I went to the annual CRRC (crick ranch recreational compound) clean-up yesterday. Mowed the entire place - A damn fine work out. Then, I zipped home and showered and headed back out. We went on a crick run from around 7-8:30pm or so. Anyway, as I was rounding the driveway (fuckface bend) around 10pm and I ran into this.

Well obviously I couldn't go much further. So I get out in the darkness and salvage my way to the top of the driveway. There was no electricity as the entire street was without power. Understandable because we got hit by a fucking microburst. So I chilled out, called it a night and listened to some music.

The power came back on at some point and I went outside to survey the damage the next morning.

And look at the sodomization of his hillside...

As you can imagine, he must be pissed. His maintenance crew showed up on Sunday afternoon to inspect every twig as well as the errant leafs that blew on his roof. But they left everything else in tact. So I did what I do. I called Captain Lee and asked for some advice. He zipped up and said the removal is probably going to run a few grand. Thus, it looks like a homeowners claim. BUTT, and that's a but with an extra "T," all the uprooted trees are very close to my property line with the cemetery.

So, I'm heading down to the cemetery office to see what they say. Hopefully, they'll clean up the mess (I doubt it). This is going to be a close call. I have a hunch it could produce mixed results. I'd rather have one entity take care of everything. So, we'll see what transpires.

What if it takes a while? I personally don't mind. I could always park in the cemetery or at the base of the driveway as we figure out who's responsible for what. BUT (with another capital "T" based on the fact that my neighbor is an anal retentive asshole, he's going to go insane. None of the trees and branches interfere with anything important, but I can imagine the hearty scowl and self-centered anguish he'll feel when he walks by the devastation. And to see my car surreptitiously parked so close to his driveway... it's going to give the mother fucker a heart attack.

Regardless, I'll head down to office tomorrow and have them come take a look-see. There's plenty of damage in the cemetery and through Wheeling Park as well. This was a really focused, narrow tornado path. I suppose I should be grateful nothing hit the house. Could have been ugly. I'm surmising that it could still get ugly if our past relationship provides an accurate barometer.

I almost forgot... Here's "Trunky!" "You gots plenty of junk in that trunk," says Lasquisha on the Maury Povich show.

Once, twice, three times a Gaga

G Mo invented a shot on the dome hockey table which has never been successful. A rare distinction. Actually, it has been done several times. But the "essence" of the shot has never been panned out. You're supposed to sing the phrase, "Once... Twice.... Three Times A Lady" Lionel Richie style AS you make the shot. It's virtually impossible as you would have to anticipate the first 2 blocked shots. And the puck would have to bounce directly back to the center each time. To have that type of heightened understanding of your opponent's capabilities, marked by your own failure is just too much. The advance knowledge of how specific dome shots play out is often difficult to envision. Well... unless I'm launching lasers and Bethlehem Temples with reckless abandon and tenacious resolve.

I surprised myself last night. Even someone as stoic as me is capable of experiencing the emotion of "surprise." I need to work on the spontaneity factor a little more. It seems the older I get, the less tolerance of I have for random acts of nonsense. So you're probably thinking, "Gee whiz, what happened to Saf last night?" I know that's what I'm thinking.

And the tendency to refer to oneself in the third person is NOT a recent trend! Although I've decided to jump on board in mid-2011, it goes way back. The two most important examples are Maury Povich (of course) and the great George Costanza (George likes his chicken spicy - maybe 1996?). Maury is far more indulgent with the obvious - "Call 1-800-MAURY" or "Log on! The new Maury website! It's Maur than you could ever imagine." Obviously it's not even close call. Can't Stand Ya wins in a landslide (comparable to Reagan over Carter - 1980).

There is this one person who refers to herself in the third person. It's Lady Gaga. Personally, I'm not a big fan. But I found myself mesmerized by the showmanship and choreography exhibited during her Madison Square Garden HBO special. It was hard to turn away. As far as the music goes, she basically just has an aggressive, updated Madonnna vibe. Good niche. But here's her real niche - even if you get ridiculed and feel depressed, just be yourself. Let's see, this applies to about everyone on the planet. She created an entirely new audience. And she makes sure to drive the point home incessantly before, during and at the end of every song. It's a simple message - the Glendale summer vacation native will make you feel good about yourself. This woman is the Lexapro-Prozac-Paxil of the music industry. She's basically a well-disguised pharmaceutical industry with not much relevant competition. No wonder she's such a success.

From a marketing standpoint, this is pure genius. Ka-Ching. And from what I've seen, her ticket prices are through the roof. Plus, she thrives off all the merchandising with the very susceptible gay male populous. Bingo. And the mainstream female population who are never content. Don't forget about them with the never-ending thirst for positive reinforcement. That's a lot more cash extraction potential than relying on cold veggie burrito sales from destitute hippies.

I always thought Lady Gaga had a "darker" personality. Kind of like a female Marilyn Manson. Not even close. I guess I got the wrong impression because of the red meat outfit and occasional smearing of blood on her arms and torso. She knows way better - stick with a modern day "Up With People" vibe. But most importantly, take it straight to the cash register.

All in all, she puts on one hell of a show. I'll give her the "e" for effort award. Would I ever go to one of her concerts? Doubtful. Would I go up and scalp? Yep. The thought of usurping money from her the Gaga machine would definitely buoy my spirits. And though I don't take pride in ripping anyone off, there is this weird satisfaction in exposing those who are inherently gullible. These people are always the followers, never the leaders. And they're very easy to quantify.

Kiddie shows, like Backstreet Boys, Jonas Brothers, N Sync are the best. Then would come the trendy "gay" acts, like No Doubt, GaGa and that whole ilk. Next up would be the emo-bands which sicken me to the depths of my soul. Nauseating bands like All American Rejects and Bowling For Soup. And how about, the religious inspired rock bands like Creed and misc. American Idol dumbshits that go the gospel route. Rounding out the list are the dreaded pop-country performers. This is the correct pecking order for greater success in future concert scalping endeavors. I doubt anyone has ever compiled a list.

These days, most scalpers just wear a laminated seating chart around their neck as they hoist their "Need Tickets/Selling Tickets" sign. For them, it's just about the quick monetary turnaround. I had multiple encounters with this one guy at Starlake. He was a disheveled white guy in his late 40's. I actually referred to him as "dirty white boy." Despite seeing me all the time, he couldn't get it through his head that I had no interest in buying his tickets. A complete fool who really degraded the profession with all its subtle nuances. And he'd approach me with that dim-witted look and mutter the same exact question. "Hey, you need a ticket? Got lawn here." It's kind of depressing. When I go to a concert or sporting event, the vast majority of scalpers have absolutely zero interest in advanced "scalping theory." Maybe I could teach a class at the collegiate level. Scalping 401 & 402. Has a nice ring to it. I'm only saying... it would be nice to see others kick it up a notch. But it will never happen. I'm the one who must adapt. My expectations are simply too high. "Ohhh Saffy, when will you ever learn?"

Then again, I do recollect this one shining moment where my protege Amanda stepped it up. It was a Starlake show - I believe it was either the "Fake Fest II" concert in 2002 or the 2003 Poison show. The Burgettstown cops have this guy cuffed. Blood streaming down his face. Amanda asks the cop, "Hey, is he going to the concert?" The cop quickly replies, "Nope, he's going to jail." Amanda further inquires, "Can I have his ticket?" The cop, "Well, that would be up to him." The bloody guy chimes in, "Yeah you can have it but I can't get to it. It's in my back pocket. My hands are cuffed."

Amanda walks behind him and snags the ticket. There's an urban legend that she just said one word as she extracted the "golden ticket." I believe it was "Yoink." This bold move earns you an "A" grade in Scalping 402. It was just one of those defining moments where "student becomes teacher." *

* - This is the quote used by the reformed villain Sato in Karate Kid Part II. Near the end of the movie, when Danielson asks Sato if they can have the Bone Dance in its proper historic setting (the temple), Sato looks at Danielson and Mr. Mayagi, pauses briefly and proclaims, "Your student become my teacher."

Wheeling Nailer pride

This one's a strange post. I was at the local Long John Silvers extension hut Friday night. Some see eerie similarities between this dungeon and where Gomer Pyle used to live. I agree... ours is a little more rusted with more of an emphasis on disorder, especially pertaining to the dumpster out back. Specific details - about 30 people total. Maybe a half dozen in the poker room. I do not know. I refuse to venture into the gambling/smoking room of death. It's around 10:45pm.

It was me, teacher woman, Crosby's mom and dude. We're lined up at the bar, right where Al usually sits. I sensed the presence of a few Wheeling Nailers. Some of the guys seemed to flaunt a minor league hockey attitude. This crew seemed to show up in tandem with their girlfriends. It was as if they spontaneously emerged from the carpet. From whence did they originate? Definitely an influx of younger people with this tinge of Friday night arrogance.

All of a sudden this guy right next to me (I'm sitting next to the end seat) starts yelling. "Hey, you mother fucker, you didn't think I'd find you!" For a VERY split second, I thought he was talking to me. He was loud - totally calling this guy out. Then I realized he was pissed off at this other kid standing near the edge of the bar. I'm feeling a slight sense of relief cuz who knows how many people on this planet I've pissed off. And this guy had a ripped Jersey Shore thing going on. Sporting a bunch of barbed wire and demon tattoos. And wearing a tight shirt usually worn by one of two factions (obsessed body builders and exuberant followers of Lady Gaga). And he was loud. And I'm talking loud - the entire bar was temporarily silenced.

Then he specifically yells, "I just got back from Afgahnistan, I'll fucking kill you." The other guy stammered, "I ain't scared of you." The response - "Then let's go outside." There was some back and forth - mostly intimidation from Jersey Shore. He was jacked. Amid the threats, the one guy eventually filtered back into the vidiot room. I'm guessing Jersey Shore guy's hostility was about losing his girlfriend to the other guy (probably during his deployment). And if it's the girl who was in the bar, she was definitely a hottie. The bartender quickly got things under control and cashed out/kicked out Jersey Shore. Things resumed back to the customary 19th Ho-like routine.

I finished my beer and left. As I exited, the Jersey Shore guy was still wandering around outside. Whether anything went down, I do not know. But I do know that it was an awkwardly tense situation. It fascinated me how Jersey Shore launched into the mention of returning from Afghanistan... as if to imply to the entire bar, "If you got a problem with my actions, you've got a problem with the United States military." Very brash. Most likely testosterone fueled behavior he learned while serving our country. And yes, I completely understand the imperative for training our soldiers to exhibit an aggressive disposition. Act with authority, control the situation and sort out the problems later. Trust me, I get it.

But I wonder how often stuff like this goes unreported as just "bar fights." With these multiple deployments come the likely shattered romances, cheating, etc. These kids come back warped enough as it is and then must rapidly adjust their train of thought in small towns across the U.S. And so many of those who serve originate from rural communities. The military keeps records on the cost of everything imaginable - suicide rates, marriage and divorce, physical and mental injuries, every milligram of oxycontin, etc. But I seriously doubt any real studies have been done about the consequences and fallout from situations like the one I just described. And I wonder how many times paternity questions have arisen - truly some ugly shit. Not the Maury Povich nonsense with people named Pancake, Cupcake or Baby Cakes. This ain't your ordinary scorned Boo. And with the advent of instantaneous communication in times of war, it's even more problematic. I can't envision a worse scenario. Getting dumped and then being shot at, all in the same day. Just something to consider.

I just don't see the populations of Iraq and Afghanistan getting "accustomed" to our presence. Call me naive, but I can't see the similarities with Germany, Vietnam, etc. Probably because so much of the hostility falls along deeply ingrained religious attitudes and societal behavior. The underlying tenets of these 2 current wars (I'm not even going to touch Libya) involve more insidious elements. Corporate greed, infidel occupation and exploitation of the "holy" lands, our history of condoning and perpetuating corrupt dictatorial regimes... And oh yeah, I neglected to mention the fundamental issue of a nationalistic call to war based mostly on lies, or at the very least, cherry picking the evidence and blurring the lines of truth.

And trust me, those images of college kids from Georgetown celebrating the killing of Bin Laden like they just won the NCAA final four will not soon be forgotten. I take that back. Our country will forget about it in no time. Hey, Animal Kingdom just won the Kentucky Derby and Bristol Palin is pregnant again (at least, I hope she is). If it's a girl, I hope she names her "Tundra" - has that independent Alaskan flair. If it's a boy, I'm praying for "Anchor" (as in Anchorage).

Speaking of Anchorage, if the Wheeling Nailers somehow manage to defeat the infidels from Kalamazoo, they must journey to Alaska for the finals. How badly would that suck? These minor league hockey guys beat the hell out of each other and don't get paid shit. Then how about a 3 day bus ride into the state that gave us Sarah Palin. It's not like they're gonna be boarding the team 747 emblazoned with the Wheeling Nailers/horror movie face mask logo on the side of it. That's what our team really needs - a corporate jet. Could you imagine the intimidation factor when it sets down at Ohio County airport? As they're greeted by a throng of 12 year old girls, screaming for autographs and clamoring for cell phone pictures. Dare to dream.

Yesterday, I was sitting on the steps outside Wesbanco arena watching the crowd filter in. A cavalcade of individuals in all shapes and sizes, adorned with vintage Thunderbird jerseys and perhaps a stray curtain-like garment. It's always about that one woman decked out in a Wheeling Nailers moo moo. She has this biblical air of Babylonian royalty. We'll call her Zelda. I beg of you team Nailers - fight for the honor of Zelda. When you enter into battle... embrace the sound of victory (Zelda's gruff, nicotine laden voice emitting a hoarse "Let's Go Nailers" chant). In your mind, evoke the image of glory (Zelda's quivering gunt, mysteriously shifting inside the nether regions of said moo moo). It moves like clockwork, as if it were sand in an hourglass. These are the days of our lives.

Bin Laden photo

Two weeks after 9/11, me and three crazies went to the inaugural opening of Heinz Field for the delayed first regular season home game. We beat Cincy 16-7, and yes I'm pretty good at remembering final scores. The tickets were given to us by an oil man. It was a subdued crowd for the most part. This was the game where George Bush Jr. came on the wide screen at halftime to inform the country of the initial bombing runs in Afghanistan. I stood for the whole speech. I think a couple people said "sit down." I barely heard them. My honest recollection - I thought Bush did a good job with the speech. This was the year that Heinz Field had the largest wide screen on the planet (for like 3 months or something). Then the same company sold them to three other pro stadiums. The entire Bush speech just seemed brief and very surreal.

Anyway, in the parking lot before the game some guy solicited me. He was selling these large pins. They had a picture of Calvin (from the Calvin/Hobbes cartoon) pissing on Osama Bin Laden's head. And it read

OSAMA SUCKS
PAYBACKS ARE A BITCH!

Needless to say, I snatched it up for $3.00. He was selling them 2 for $5.00 but all I needed was one. I ended up taping it to the dome hockey game along with other historically dome-related stuff. And believe it or not, there's a picture of former Nailers coach John Brophy (an older man with a head of white hair) beside the picture of Bin Laden. I have absolutely no idea why I had any hostility toward our hometown hockey teams' management. Either way, this pin was bad ass. A major solo sales commitment for the historic opening day. Very commendable. I thanked this fearless lanky pinheadish dude, praised him and sent him on his way.

So present day - I find this stalling of the Osama death photo really intriguing. Just how many do they release? Obviously the whole thing's on video, or at least the most critical shit. Trust me - they were running all the time, definitely during the "ceremonial bathing of his ass and the shroud covering of yet another lanky asshole in a shroud."

I recall a brief interview on the local station immediately following 9/11. I'm pretty sure it was WTRF. Anyway they asked this guy coming out of the Benwood Kroger, "Excuse me sir, what are your thoughts on Osama Bin Laden?" This gruff dude barks into the camera, "Hey, he's a real asshole!" Of course they beeped out the "asshole" part but if you were even just a tiny bit observant, you would have figured out what he said. My point here is that I'm on safe ground when referring to Bin Laden as an ass.

Alright, now try and pivot toward present day. Now would be an excellent time to resurrect the "Calvin/Hobbs piss on Osama's head" pin. But this time, I would use the actual photo the White House is going to release. And I'm not makin' any pins. I'm not into the pin movement. Except for the 1950's political race. Eisenhower made "I LIKE IKE" pins. Nice. But I gotta go with the standard t-shirt. It would be a bold statement. Calvin performing a purposefully lofted golden shower on the remains of Bin Laden's head.

Hell... they gotta officially put out a ton of photographic evidence and material at some point. I think the "delay" is just Obama wanting to sit on it and calm things out. Wise strategy because say something (like a recent Moroccan bombing) goes down, the narrative suddenly shifts. Inevitable at some point but I think the better move is to stall for a while. Shows a calm strength.

I'll likely never make a stack of these shirts and sell them. Well, maybe "never" is a bit final. Let's say I'm about 8% I'll do 50. Not good either way. But my overriding point - I would likely sell them at Starlake shows. I'm thinking anything Skynyrd with an equal emphasis on Toby Keith. Rounding out the three, the Journey, REO Speedwagon, Foreigner gig. A surprising exhibition of classic rock rounding out the triple shot! But tt's really about reclaiming that majestic sales pitch and unique presentation of his anti-Osama pin. Seems like everything (eventually) came full circle with Bin Laden. Hopefully not for the original seller of that Osama pin.

Oh yeah, and what about the bit of him living in the mansion in Abbottabad. For something like 6 years??? That's completely insane. How much credence could that possibly have? And the other thing... there's a down side to waiting on the release of the photos > it opens all this shit up to claims of video manipulation. This will likely all end up as monster conspiracy fodder, unless you release everything. Certainly some aspects could compromise national security. It's a tough one. You pretty much have to EVENTUALLY put out more shit to placate the whackos, then more photos and excerpts, and always additional footage. I think Obama knows this and he wants the fullest disclosure possible. That's what's causing him concern. Because it's eventually all going to come out in the wash Tommy Hilfeger style.

There must be objections rolling in from his top people. It's a rough dilemma. Especially the funeral part where they weigh him down and ditch him in the Indian Ocean (which I thought was an outstanding idea - I never thought much about how the military would dispose of Bin Laden's body). I figured "capture and trial" would never sell as a viable option. Either administration would never be able to live it down. A trial was an ultimate loser issue. Nothing politically advantageous can be derived from it.

And I just thought of something else - kids, adults, grandmothers et al will use the kill shot as their cell phone screen savers. The thought that an entire generation of school kids could be warped/haunted by this photo. I might hire a good legal team and sue the administration for releasing this photo that's giving me nightmares. I could claim - "hey I'm the biggest Obama fan and I hath been totally forsaken." Should sell well in these parts. Very contemporary, lofty religious nonsense. I've seen it through the ages. Some might say I've studied it all "up in here, up in here." - DMX style).

And I recall this pro wrestler named AL Snow - he had this female wigged mannequin head he would proudly/psychotically wave in the air. It looked a little bit like a cross between Marilyn Monroe and Courtney Love. Very heroin chic with a classic twist of Americana. After a week's courtship, he attached the head to a wooden pole and called it "Moppy." He professed his love for the mop and I do believe they got married in the ring. The wedding ceremony had all kinds of shit. He made out with the mop, first dance, and I think there was a limbo scene at the end where some scantily clad female wrestlers went as low as they could go). Upon returning from the honeymoon, some bullies accosted them back stage and held him down while they threw Moppy in a portable wood chipper (which just happened to be an indoor arena). Al Snow wept. As they cut to commercial he's clutching the discarded head and crying "Moppy!" "Moppy!" in this alarmingly tearful yet inquisitive/sorrowful manner.

This whole bizarre performance could also be used to embellish my civil complaint in an Obama administration. Just an added touch. As security struggles with me, "I yell "Osama!" "Osama!" in that same Al Snowesque fashion. You'd have to really sell it though. Make Maury Povich my bitch. Long overdue and a proper way to honor his move from Manhattan to Stamford, Ct.

Trump strategy

Exactly what is Trump trying to accomplish? Does this guy really want to be the Republican nominee? I'm honestly not sure. At the very least, he's trying to shape the campaign. Trump sees a scattered field of Republicans and everyone has their faults. The mainstream candidates (Romney & Pawlenty) bore the hell out of everyone. All the other candidates are way too far to the right which would help Trump if he goes independent.

The flip flop for him on abortion is intriguing. All of a sudden he's pro-life. After decades of being pro-choice and liberal leaning on most social issues, Trump changed his mind because one of his buddies had a baby. At first, the guy didn't want a child but now "couldn't imagine his life without that bundle of joy." It would be interesting to find out exactly "who this mystery friend is." Why do I have a hunch he just made up this story, albeit not an incredibly complex one. Also, let's hope this "friend of his" doesn't change his mind if one day the kid ends up on one of those wild teen Maury Povich episodes.

I think Trump has this grand vision where he can bypass the usual caucus election process in Iowa. His theory goes something like this. I am Donald Trump. I am a great man. The public deserves to hear all of my opinions due to my superiority. It's a potentially crowded Republican field so I need to differentiate myself from the rest. So I'll throw everything I can at Obama (particularly the birther stuff). The more absurd and outlandish my claims, the more often they'll show polls of how I will fare against the others in the primary. If you say the words "Trump" and "Obama" in the same sentence enough times, the casual observer sees this air of inevitability. It has the mentality of a UFC marquee match on pay-per-view.

Trump knows one thing. The activist Republican base in Iowa trends hardcore conservative on social issues. The stance on abortion is a huge deal. If you're not pro-life, it's a deal breaker. So he flipped. It has nothing to do with this "friend of his" who saw the light. That's complete bullshit and needs to be exposed. Regardless, Trump will not run a traditional campaign in Iowa which involves a heavy ground campaign. You really have to be organized at the community level. And parading around in that monster TRUMP 747 likely won't sit well with rural Midwest Iowa voters. Trump just wants as much tv coverage as is humanly possible. He could care less about actual policy positions. He has one overriding goal - remain relevant.

Trump wants all these polls to say one thing repeatedly. He wants pitted against all the other candidates. If Donald Trump were running in the Republican primary, would you vote for him instead of the anyone from the Republican field. This is imperative. Frame everything.

I have a hunch about Trump. I think he wants to linger on the sidelines. Perhaps he'll bitch up a storm about being excluded from the debates. Perhaps launch a phony campaign of "public outrage" that he's not allowed to participate. Clamor incessantly about how this is "not the kind of America" where I come from. This is a wise move as it pits him against the entire Republican field. It's Trump against a bunch of dull, fuddy duddy white guys. It also bodes well for an anti-media campaign. Blame the media for everything which worked pretty damn well for Palin the buffoon.

This could be an effective strategy. He can stand on the sidelines and rip apart all the candidates without being interrogated in the debates. Every news channel will salivate at the prospect of having him provide "analysis." Again, this places him in a very advantageous position.

My hunch is that most voters will tire of the Republican debates. They'll all be preaching the identical anti-Obama rhetoric and towing the line on traditional Republican issues (tax cuts, creating jobs, social issues, Reagan is my role model). Trump steps in at the end - "How could anybody vote for any of these guys? I'm the only credible option."

I suspect after the dust settles and the Republicans have chosen a nominee (Romney), Trump might go the Independent rout. But that's only if his polls tell him to go for it. If gas is $5.00/gallon, he might have a decent shot. Personally, I can't stand Trump. His quest to have that massive ego placated is completely nauseating. Nonetheless, his overall strategy makes sense.

Frame everything as The Donald vs. Obama. Complain that the media and govt. don't want you in the debates, because they're afraid of the prospect of a Trump presidency. It would just be too dangerous to the establishment. In the meantime, you excoriate all the other Republican candidates and force them to respond to pointed questions. Trump attacks, all others try to defend themselves. Then, you have this alleged "Draft Trump for President" movement suddenly start popping up all over the place.

His goal above all else - remain a constant in the news cycle. Bypass the nuts and bolts of the primaries. Strictly employ a general election strategy. And you can still pull out the newest birther evidence shit on a prime time news special to coincide with your presidential bid. Do I like Trump in the slightest? Nope. I can't stand him and others of his ilk (I've known numerous blowhards with insatiable egos). Ohhh, and always keep the press guessing up until the last possible moment. Will I run? Will I not run? Just make sure to keep everyone speculating. Whether it's positive or negative is irrelevant. All in all, I think Trump has a good plan. And it would only work for one person... and that's him. Could he pull it off - doubtful. But it's his best course of action. And he knows it.

fake texting

Yesterday at 7:55pm I'm driving on the straightaway section of National Road by Greenwood Cemetery. There's these 2 kids. One of them is staring into his phone while walking down the middle of the left lane (following the intermittent white line). This idiot teenager was staring into his phone pretending to be distracted. A downright bizarre attention ploy. Having tried similar stunts back in the day, I know where of I speak. His normal friend was walking on the sidewalk.

My point... the kid was trying to play some form of "chicken" with oncoming cars. Pretending to be so engrossed in his texting conversation that he apparently lost track of his movement. It took me about 4 seconds to process everything. I was traveling about 40mph and heading in the same direction. After I figured it out, I debated turning around the car and yelling, "Hey, get out of the road you stupid piece of shit." I really should have but I didn't feel like turning around.

A few minutes later I gave it some additional thought. Yes, I know the kid was just pretending to be distracted and he surely would have gotten out of the way. But cars come flying up that hill and the kids were approaching that point. Every once in a while there's some drag racing asshole. And for the sake of Job and his mammoth whale companion, there are tons of elderly drivers in that area who don't see too well at dusk. What if one of them panicked and prematurely swerved? I think the kid was probably trying to mimic the behavior he has seen on MTV, a combination of the "you got punked/Jack Ass" vibe.

Maybe I should have gone back and bitched him out. At the very least, it would have made me feel better, but I declined. Perhaps I was thinking in Darwinian terms - "survival of the fittest" and I secretly was hoping the kid got run over. I just don't know. My hatred of cell phones has increased exponentially.

I've seen similar situations like these play out. Usually, it's a lone woman at a bar. If she has to sit by herself for even a brief second, she sticks her head in the phone. This way nobody will think she's a loser. The problem is, you can usually see right through this and mentally affix the name tag which reads "pathetic." Please, I beg you! Look at me! I'm obviously more important than you could ever fathom. All these people can't cease their desire to communicate with me via the text platform. And the information being conveyed is a matter of national security. Every single message is a tsunami of 9/11's.

"Just had yummy DQ sundae. HTC." Yep, that's the one I hate the most - HTC. Cool people known this means "Hit the cell." What the fuck is wrong with humanity? I can't be the only person who finds this irritating.

I'd love to see all cell phone reception knocked out by a solar flare or some unforeseen natural disaster. It would be amusing to see how the techno-dumbshits cope. Their make believe/virtual world suddenly compromised. Perhaps I'm jealous. Perhaps I'm funneling my disgust because I'm 40 and not as popular as I used to be. Perhaps not. I just can't stand it when that phone rings. And my little LG screen saver is still the same picture of an old lady casually strangling a cat in the Robinson Township Ikea. Maybe I just don't get it.

The problem is that I do get it. This obsession with cell phones. In the event of a series of artificially generated stampedes, we'll see just how cool all this texting nonsense is. Perhaps we could look to Mr. T. for a little guidance in a future government awareness campaign... "I pity the fool that texts all the time."

Ouch. Especially in the cold... "texting in the chilly weather."

rare advice

I offer plenty of commentary but little in the way of advice. Long ago I would discuss consumerism and offer some specific high-end retail selections. Mostly food product oriented. But that's about it.

This might change your life.

Get the lunch special - House Lo-Mein from Golden Chopsticks. Make sure to ask for a complimentary container of hot pepper oil. This is key. On your way home, stop by Jebbia's and buy some celery. Return home. Light the burner and lay down some kind of convex skillet oriented shit. Then, julienne the fuck out of the celery. Wait 5 minutes. Throw in the mysterious batch of Wheeling Island oil. Now hit it with the celery. Wait another 5 minutes while reenacting an old-school "Shake'n'Bake" commercial celebration with the aforementioned celery tossing. Now is the time to embrace the God of Food. Fuck it, there's a god for everything... why not a god for all-encompassing foodstuffs. Now is the time! Throw in all the Lo-Mein. Another 5 minutes of the Chaka Khan-pan shakedown.

Harvest the bounty. Or, if you've ever seen a special Wheeling facebook character. Now I be eatin. It is gonna be realy ood.

Trump birther shit - primetime special

I'm starting to wonder if Donald Trump has an intention of putting on the biggest reality show of them all. Have an hour long prime/time expose where he demonstrates proof that Obama wasn't born in the U.S.

They had yet another interview of him on "The View" and another on MSNBC. It was the manner in which he casually blathered about how he has a research team in Hawaii "and you would be shocked about the things they've found out." It wasn't just "one" piece of evidence, it was a bunch of things.

First off, if you think Trump seriously wants to be the President of the United States, you are a complete moron. He just wants to feed off the publicity. He also seeks the stroking of his ego, but that's a distant second.

I'm incredibly suspicious of the timing concerning his birther rants. Why wasn't he concerned anytime leading up to the 2008 campaign? It was huge news then. And it has been since. Why all of a sudden right now?

I tell you what though. As far as ratings, it would probably rank up there with the Superbowl. Everybody would tune in, even those disinterested with politics. Maybe even have the guts to do it live - just like Geraldo when he opened that vault. That didn't spin too well. I think it's fair game though, but kind of like in a Westboro Baptist church way. In the meantime, he'll keep churning the cauldron of doubt. And he timed his birther barrages perfectly with the Obama reelection announcement for 2012. Just another crazy coincidence? No way... fuck that.

I'm not personally familiar with Donald Trump. We don't run in the same social circles. He doesn't venture down for a Thursday night Ullom at the 19th Ho. Nor would he be playing Crispin front 9 with the twilight deal ($12.73) - best golf deal int he valley. Like I said, I don't know him, but I do know the type. He has this intentional low key arrogance. You know the kind. Arrogant as fuck but always trying to downplay it. Usually marked by a casual smirk and a tendency to belittle people over trivial matters.

The funny thing - I don't watch his Celebrity Apprentice show. In fact, I've only seen one episode. I watched a little bit of Cyndi Lauper last year or whenever she was on it. Saf just wanted to have fun.

Watch for it though. An hour long expose about how Obama isn't a U.S. citizen. I'm deadly serious about this. Think about it, makes a shitload of sense. Come to think of it, we should tar and feather Donald Trump. Can you imagine the Don's hair being "feathered" even further?

national day of prayer - Thursday, April 7

So Thursday April 7, 2011 is the federally sanctioned National Day of Prayer. My father forwarded me a brief letter to the editor he wrote...

> I sent this in today to AZ Republic

> Governor Brewer wants our AZ legislators to establish a state day of
> prayer. It seems to me that those of us who find benefit in prayer
> can pray any and every day and those of us who do not, may be offended
> by the idea. Why challenge the first amendment of the US Constitution
> which clearly forbids government involvement in religion? Why invite
> expensive law suits over this issue? And lastly, why offend the
> approximately 15% of us who prefer to live our lives without the
> imposition of any religion.
> Harold L. Saferstein, MD

My response...

Perhaps a letter to editor from the complete opposite perspective would be amusing. Play the role of an obsessed, born again who's demanding that EVERY day, all 365 of them, be state-sanctioned days of prayer. Anything less than 100% complete adherence and devotion would be an insult to the lord. If god is truly omnipresent and omnipotent, how is only one day an acceptable amount of time?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

He liked my idea, but wouldn't attach his name to this type of nonsense. I, on the other hand, embrace this type of silliness.

Seriously though, wouldn't this make for a hysterical issue during the Republican primary? Get a registered voter to raise the question at a high profile town hall meeting. And then let the fun commence. All the right wing nut jobs, the overwhelming majority of the field, would try to outdo each other. I believe that if one of them agreed to that premise, the others would have to fall in line... lock, step and barrel. I've never used that expression before. There are only 2 possible responses. Either you choose the miniscule one day option... which really is a slap in the face to JC, god and Casper the friendly holy ghost or whatever. Or you take the 365 days per year answer... which makes you look like a complete buffoon. These are the only viable options. There is no tertiary choice. Duhhh, I think 47 days of nationally sanctioned prayer is just about right.

Isn't it amusing how the overseer requires the incessant praise, devotion and compliance from his minions? You would think it would be satisfied with the creation of the universe and all its contents in that tight seven day time frame. Sounds more like human related ego and control issues to me. Personally, I think this proves just how god is soooo lame. Why couldn't he have done it all in one day? Or millisecond for that matter. How pathetic is your god?

You think I'm joking, but not really. A question like this, if posed properly... preferably by a young pre-teen girl would be the grand slam. They'd all have to fall in line or absorb the wrath of the Christian evangelicals. That's enough to sink an entire campaign. And it makes the Republican party look like a bunch of religious imbeciles. If anyone wants to run with this "every day should be a national day of prayer" idea, I say go for it. At the very least, I'd love to hear the unusual range of responses from people like Palin and Bachmann. They have memorized answers to just about every conceivable question. This one though... no fucking way.

And by the way, the mainstream media cannot handle 2 hardcore right wing female zealots. They can stomach only one during the primary battles. The other poli-celebrity has to go. As far as men go, the number in the field can be unlimited. I have no idea why this is the nature of things. I just know that it is.

Benny Hinn returns to the Burgh

On April 18, 2003 (back in my pre-blogging days), the world's wealthiest televangelist, Benny Hinn, came to Mellon Arena for one of his famed miracle crusades. I decided to launch a counter protest at the venue. My goal was clearly stated - Demand an apology from Mellon Bank President Martin McGuinn and an assurance that Benny Hinn would not be permitted back in the future. I thought the mission statement of Mellon Bank was incompatible with the objectives of a faith healer/con artist. My theory - if you purchase the naming rights to a venue, you have an overriding responsibility to the public to ensure that the event "reasonably conforms" to community standards. For example, I seriously doubt Mellon Bank would want their good name affiliated with a Neo-Nazi rally or a KKK function at the now defunct Mellon Arena.

So I rented a van and assembled a rag-tag group of about 10 protesters. We displayed signs and coated the parking lots with anti-Hinn literature. The "protest" was a mild success. Believe it or not, it was the lead story on all 3 Pittsburgh news channels (KDKA, WPXI & WTAE). However, we never got the apology from the Mellon President. And we were shuffled off arena property. I do think I got my point across though. You simply cannot have faith healers exploiting taxpayer funded municipal buildings. They belong in circus tents aka the carnival circuit.

Anyway, 8 years has passed and many things have changed. One thing that has not changed is my utter contempt for Benny Hinn and others of his ilk. Despite my attempt to neutralize this billionaire predator, he still sends me junk email. So I was flabbergasted when I saw that Benny Hinn is making his triumphant return to Pittsburgh on Thursday Sept. 1 (7pm) and 2 "shows" on Friday, Sept. 2. This fuckhead will be appearing at the Soldiers & Sailors Hall on the University of Pittsburgh campus in what is hailed as a "Fire Conference." Ooooh, I like the sound of that. What the hell is a "fire" conference. Let me give you a hint. If you don't give him money, you'll burn in the fiery pits of eternal damnation. It's the same old song and dance. Prey on the naive and terminally ill, while Benny Hinn laughs all the way to the bank (perhaps Mellon Bank).

Granted, Hinn's stature has been relegated a bit over the years. He still has an enormous television presence but has scaled back on the number and size of touring crusades. Thus, a much smaller venue this time around - probably a capacity of about 3,000.

Anyhoo, for those unfamiliar with Benny, he is a tall, thin Hispanic man. And he has a penchant for wearing these expensive all-white Italian suits. Unfortunately, he also has a state of the art security contingency which rivals that of the Secret Service. You can probably see where I'm going with this.

It is my desire to "tar and feather" this con artist. In the old days, tarring and feathering was quite popular. Usually, not designed to seriously injure, just to publicly humiliate. Adulterous women were often the recipient of this unusual style of punishment. Kind of like wearing a scarlet letter. Also, political dissidents would be routinely tarred, feathered and paraded around the town square. It's logical to conclude that the time has returned for a good 'ol fashioned T & F.

You could smuggle in some maple syrup (compliments of G Mo from the annual maple sugaring event at Oglebay Park's Schrader Environmental Center - it's going on right now as we speak... or as I type I suppose). I would load it in either small squeeze Aunt Jemima bottles or miniature Super-Soaker type weapons. You would have to dilute it with a sufficient amount of water and then add the requisite black dye.
I AM TAR MAN (see... like Tom Hanks in Castaway - "I AM FIRE MAN. I HAVE CREATED FIRE," etc. blah).

I will require 2 volunteers. One needs to spray this "tar-like" solution on Benny Hinn. Then, while another is filming this debacle, I come out of nowhere with a garbage bag full of feathers (most likely extracted out of stolen pillows from Wilson Lodge). BAM! That fuckhead gets a modern day tar and feathering. All the while, the whole thing is immediately posted on youtube. Of course, there is a downside to all of this. We all get manhandled by his security and have to spend the night in jail. I recommend bringing mace to defend thyself. Probably end up with disorderly conducts and destruction of property (his near $5,000 suit). I doubt he'd have the balls to press charges though. But yes, this would most likely entail some jail time.

The other option is to go and disrupt the fire conference with air horns. Assemble your teams and spread out. Just when things start to heat up (it being a fire conference and all), you blast Benny with simultaneous blares. This is really more of a feel-good deal. Doesn't really accomplish much. The upside, no jail time.

Anyway, I'm open to other suggestions. This Benny Hinn shit is going down right before the WVU home opener on September 3. If I were to meet my demise in a potential artificially generated surge at Mountaineer Field... Well, I say fuck it - I'm going out in style with a pre-Hinn Wolfman Berzerker blitz that would please both Jay and Silent Bob.

Eltoned in the John

I zipped up to Gig's for the Elton John show at Consol Energy Center last night. Around 4pm I exited the Fort Pitt tunnel and was crushed by a brief hail storm. 279N was a slight mess. Several cars pulled off to the side as if that would somehow alleviate the problems associated with God's fury of frozen water. Anyway, made it to her place and the cats were cowering. One in the basement, the other beneath a blanket. Sure enough, another 5 minute hail blitz broke out. Very unusual weather patterns.

So we cruised over to the arena and parked in our favorite Church parking lot in the hood. I'll never be a god-fearing bozo, but if I ever have even the slightest inclination to join a congregation... it's going to be St. Benedict The Moor Catholic Church on Crawford Street near the cusp of the hood. This is the baddest ass lot n'at in all of dahntahn.

As usual, we had no tickets and were unwilling to pay. Why ruin a streak? So we made 4 signs.

ELTON SMELLTON (that's all it said - not really sure what this would accomplish)

IF YOU GIVE ME A FREE TICKET, I'LL LET YOU SUCK MY DICK (enough said)

I WANT A FREE TICKET!
I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME A JEW. (take off on the song "I Guess that's why they call it the Blues" - I thought this was clever)

and the customary mainstay...
IF YOU GIVE ME A FREE TICKET, I PROMISE I WON'T SIT NEXT TO YOU.
All Hail Sir Elton (subtle reference to the earlier hail storm).

Anyway, we eyed up this one couple who had extra tickets but got chased away by an overzealous cop. He wanted to see my sign. Fortunately, I showed him the "won't sit next to you" side, not the "suck my dick" side. So after being bullied by the pig, we walked down to the lower entrance. Apparently, this cop doesn't watch much Dr. Phil. If he did, he'd be more aware of the bullying crisis that's suddenly sweeping the nation.

This one older trio I encountered seemed content to eat a couple tickets. We spoke for a bit and despite my reassurances to not resell them or sit near them, they opted to eat 'em anyway. As they walked through the entrance, I yelled "SHAME" trying to instill a recollection of the ongoing Wisconsin collective bargaining labor crisis. But alas, they were completely unfazed.

But we scored tickets in no time. Mine was actually a floor seat print-out (face value $142 + $7). This couple said their son could not attend and was more than happy to give me a freebie. COOL! A shout out to Mark Alessandro - that's the name on the print-out. Gig got a freebie first level.

So we walked in and went all the way to the top. We grabbed a standing table on the other side of the curtain. We watched one guy wolf down an entire roast beef sub in about 48 seconds. He dipped it in the au jus with unbridled enthusiasm. It reminded me of the Asian kid who dunks his hot dogs in a bucket of water during the annual Coney Island hot dog eating contest. Then we saw another man voraciously chugging a box of M&M's.

Something about these seats/standing area just wasn't right. This was quite possibly the farthest area from the stage in the entire arena (the back of section 212). We decided to hang there for a couple songs. After the second song (Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting), these three older women walked down the aisle and waved 3 tickets in the air. Out of nowhere, she asks us, "Do you guys want to use these floor tickets?" Gig's response was "sure" and I think mine was "F'in A." We glanced at the tickets - all Floor comps indeed, section 8.

We decided to walk to the front and see how far we could get. The answer - would be 5th row aisle seats, directly in front of Smelton John. Certainly some of the best/priciest seats in the house. About 10 songs in, a crazed middle aged woman came rumbling through. She was very emotional and seemed to want to stomp her heels a lot. Eventually, security escorted her out. At one point she took over my seat and I was forced into the aisle. I was cool with it though. She seemed to "need it" more than me.

Highlights for me were "Philadelphia Freedom", "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" and "Tiny Dancer." Quite the showman, he was joined by famed Leon Russell on another Yamaha grand piano. Russell, who I initially thought was one of the guitarists from ZZ Top, played mostly bluesy, slower stuff. For the most part, it was pretty cool. Elton John played about 30 songs for almost 3 hours. Long show. And I really enjoyed the 4 black female background singers. Especially the larger one on the left who really seemed to embrace the atmosphere.

On the way out, we went scavenging for extra ticket stubs for the downstairs bathroom wall. Instead, I found a cell phone on the floor of the first level. Gig eventually made contact and we met up with the owner outside. Their van pulled up and she rolled down the window. Considering, we went out of our way to help her, you would think she'd be somewhat appreciative. Not the case whatsoever. I wasn't expecting a cash reward, but she could have at least been a teeny bit grateful. If I recall correctly, she was from Bethel Park. I'd estimate she was in her mid 50's. She bore a slight resemblance to female golfing legend JoAnne Carner. I'd say her theme song was "The Bitch is Back" (one of the concert highlights). If you know this woman, tell her to suck a bag of dicks.

So we took a non-circuit pathway back through the hood. Made it back to Gig's in less than 10 minutes. Gig made me a pizza of which I devoured half. Then, out of nowhere, I got a horrible migraine headache. Probably a combination of the lack of food and an abundance of wine. I haven't had a migraine in years. I couldn't lay down. I just kept walking around like a zombie with my head throbbing. At one point, I had tears rolling down my face. Crazy. So I just decided to bolt. I figured the cold air might help. The headache finally began to subside around Dallas Pike. Got back to my place around 5am and dutifully blogged the events of the night - another concert in the books.

I've never been a huge Elton John fan, but I do respect the guy. A consummate performer. Great stage presence. Like Gig said, how often do you get to see not one, but two pianists in a 20,000+ arena-style venue. And I never mentioned, I'm pretty sure it was a complete sell-out. Glad we went. Other than the headache, definitely a fun one.

why Libya?

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked me, "Saf, why do you think we're specifically bombing Libya?" I gave it some thought.

If gas prices hit $5.00 per gallon in 2012, the possibility of Obama getting reelected is vastly diminished. The Obama team is well aware of this. This Operation "Odyssey Dawn" is about sending a message to rogue Middle Eastern & North African dictators. If you can't maintain stability (we prefer to call it instituting democratic reforms), you're outta there.

From what I understand, Libya has about a 2% stake in the light sweet crude market. Not a significant presence, but it could definitely cause long-term instability in the oil futures markets. This is diesel fuel which has a much larger role in Europe; hence, the return of our traditional allies (France, Spain, England). I thought it was curious that we are going to "hand over" the military operation to France. Maybe Obama could recycle the "Freedom Fries" nonsense from 8 years ago. Christ, it doesn't seem like it has been that long. In any event, if the European economy (which is already fragile) takes a hit, these days in the interconnected global economy, we'll take a major hit as well.

So what happens to Libya? Here's my best guess. Moammar Khaddafy (sp? - there are about a baker's dozen different spellings) retains power in Tripoli and maybe some worthless regions in the South. The U.S. has made it clear that killing Khaddafy is not integral to the mission. I suspect they'll partition Libya and enforce the new borders with NATO ground troops. The plan - maintain enough stability so gas doesn't go near the 5 buck mark just in time for the next election cycle. If it happens... there will certainly be a double dip recession. This translates into NO Obama... or Nobama.

The energy wars have always been with us, but with the fallout from the Japanese nuclear crisis and the Obama administration push for clean energy (EPA vs. the coal and gas states), this thing is going to heat up. The Republicans will embark on a unified message. And it goes something like this, Obama has no rational domestic energy policy and this results in a haphazard foreign policy. And he can't be trusted to handle the complex problems in the Middle East (because he's sympathetic to the desire for a Muslim caliphate). Safe assumption - parts of the Middle East and North Africa will continue to be hotbeds of instability and turmoil. Even if things clam down (doubtful), you can always portray them as turbulent.

If I'm Mitt Romney, I let the others (Palin, Gingrich, Huckabee) use the harshest "Obama is a Muslim" rhetoric. I stay cool, calm and most important, PRESIDENTIAL. Then, at crunch time, I tell the American public that I'm the jobs, energy and economy candidate. Let all the others duke it out for the extreme social elements of the Republican primary voters in Iowa. There will be a ton of candidates and no clear cut winner will emerge. Downplay the Iowa caucuses, head to New Hampshire and spend a shitload of money. But don't wait til Florida like Guiliani did (very foolish). By then, you haven't established any momentum. I suspect the more moderate Romney would do well in Florida with all the retired Northeast transplants. The interim South Carolina primary would probably play out much like Iowa - a diluted vote with no clear cut winner.

All in all, the Libya excursion is about looking down the road and trying to anticipate the future. And for most Americans, it's about the cost of gas. If it costs over $50 to fill up the Jeep Wrangler at Exxon, I don't have money left over for that Slim Jim beef product. I have to downgrade from Marlboro Lights to Basics. No Gatorade either, gotta save a dime and go with Powerade. It is these three consumer choices that could break the Obama administration. Tubed meat in a plastic sheath, quality cancer sticks with the accompanying breath stank and ion-replenishing sugar water. Not a good time for Obama to mention his affinity for arugula.

Do not be fooled. It has nothing to do with freedom, oppression and genocide. In the near term, it's ALL about oil. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, you can always throw in those tag lines. And I suspect you'll hear them at-will during the forthcoming Republican debates. They're already laying the groundwork with this incessant theme of "American exceptionalism." It's going to be an exhausting refrain. Just don't be fooled.

One other observation. I think Obama secretly wants a challenge from the left wing of the Democratic party. Some anti-war liberal like Dennis Kucinich with no money and few resources would be ideal. Obama would quickly dispose of him. Much like Clinton disposed of Bill Bradley (D-NJ) back in 1996. Plus, it reassures the small number of undecideds that Obama is trending toward the center. Obama needs to appear hawkish on foreign policy. He wants that sustained war-time footing. No U.S. President running for reelection has ever lost during a time of war. If gas surpasses $5.00/gallon, Obama could prove the exception.

And I still think Obama dumps Joe Biden. Shake things up a bit - maybe bring on Ed Rendell (former Governor of Pennsylvania - very similar to Biden w/ the blue collar appeal, but far less gaffe prone). Plus Rendell has fantastic national exposure via cable news and represents the critical electoral votes in the underrated Appalachia. Watch for Rendell - A savvy political ploy to take back the center. We'll see.

I'll predict in 2012, the Obama/Rendell ticket squeaks out a tough campaign over Romney/Pawlenty. Of course the best way to secure an Obama victory... get a fiscal-hawk, social extremist Tea-partier like Sarah Palin to run as a third party candidate. She gets about 8% of the vote and screws the entire Republican party. How's that for irony? McCain created a Frankenstein. Except this Frankenstein has an insatiable ego and the ability to memorize and spout off about everything imaginable... except her daughter Bristol's baby being born out of wedlock. YOU BASTARD! (Think in terms of Braveheart where the two sides ignite their intimidation campaign prior to the Battle of Stirling). These days, we call it bullying.

Above all else, Palin wants to stay relevant and in the news. She could care less about her negatives. She just wants to maintain her coinage. Perhaps be a major player at the RNC 2012 convention. With such a display of overwhelming personalities (Romney, Pawlenty, and all the other bean counters), she would probably steal the show and possibly steer the national discourse on the classic social issues (abortion, gays and DOG). Maybe she could run on this sole, key issue - institute EVERY day as a national day of prayer. Doesn't only one day of prayer constitute a slap in the face to an omnipotent, omnipresent overseer? Seriously, all 365 days a year should be federally sanctioned as days of prayer and repentance. If it's only one day, a vengeful DOG will surely lash out with more environmental disasters. If DOG is indeed a merciful and caring DOG, we must do more to placate its monster ego.

Peter King hearings

If the Peter King (R - New York) led congressional hearings looking into the problem of Muslim radicalism are a sound idea, why not have them at all levels of government? Seriously, if the direness of the impending threat is so extreme... why not have hearings at the state, county and city level as well? Shouldn't we look to congressional activity as a barometer for evaluating the needs of our country. Seems reasonable. After all, these terrorists are lurking in sleeper cells in various nooks and crannies. Interesting that crannies is a real word. I figured it would get red-squiggly underlined.

My question is this. Why hasn't a single high-profile person opposed to these hearings offered this counterpoint? It's a great way to phrase the argument and "refudiate" the objectives of Peter King. After all, this is simply a McCarthy-like witch hunt. I don't think it was a reelection ploy though. He's from a pretty conservative district (especially considering it's right outside New York City). I realize 9/11 had a greater emotional impact on this region of the country, but I don't believe he's pandering to anti-Muslim sentiment as a strategy for re-election.

What I'm saying is that someone else must have encouraged these hearings. I'd speculate it's part of an overall strategy to get rid of Obama. Did this entire movement to crush collective bargaining rights just magically appear throughout the entire Northeast and a bunch of pivotal swing states in the Midwest? Is it all just a spontaneous coincidence? Of course not.

Obamacare was the big enchilada though. The Republican response necessitated some national coordination. They really needed to galvanize the Republican base, especially the poor schmucks of the south. Best to do that through social issues. Stick with classics - abortion, gays & god. And be sure to stoke the flames of Islamaphobia and the incessant socialism/anti-freedom refrain. As if the two are mutually exclusive.

The problem is the Republicans, with the exception of Romney, just don't have any credible contenders. Newt the hypocrite is literally fucked by the Clinton impeachment vote. Huckabee, who's still strong in Iowa, is screwed by the "Obama is a Muslim" rhetoric. Palin is a whack job and her high negatives will never go away. Santorum has no cash. Pawlenty could be strong in the vp role. If there ever was a guy who looked like a VP, it's Pawlenty. Even his name sounds VPish. Mitch Daniels and John Huntsman - nobody knows these guys. Haley Barbour, way too southern.

I'd go with a Romney/Pawlenty ticket or possibly Romney with John Thune. But my point, the Republicans need this country to be a complete train wreck and then just play the blame game. Not the worst strategy. It could be very effective if there's another Islamic terror attack. That's why they all stick to the "Obama's a Muslim" rhetoric. The toned down, barely politically acceptable version of this is, "He says he's a Christian and I'll take him at his word." I think this a wise Republican theme - keep hammering away at it. If it's only about the economy and nothing suddenly catastrophic occurs, Obama should squeak by and keep most of the states he won in 2008.

Bush vs. Gore (2000) - the pivotal state was Florida and the forgotten crisis in New Mexico.
Bush vs. Kerry (2004) - it was all about Ohio
Obama vs. McCain - (2008) the swing states all went Obama, and he picked up Virginia (huge) and I'm pretty sure Indiana and North Carolina. I'd expect these states to play a looming role in 2012. It's going to be a rough ride for the Republican candidate to snag back these states, let alone the historic swing states (Ohio & PA). Good news is West Vagina - guaranteed Republican. You could even run the deceased body of Richard Nixon.

My prediction. Obama dumps Biden. Hillary steps in to fill the VP slot. The Republicans need a credible anti-war Independent running from the center-left. I've said it before... Tom Hanks. If Hanks, or someone in a similar vain, makes a move - Obama is fucked. Same thing's true for the Democrats. If someone like Ron Paul or Pat Buchanan run from the center-right as an Independent, Obama stays put. A cool scenario - 2 strong, credible Independent candidates from both angles. You would really start to carve apart the popular vote. It's gotta happen one of these days. Too many egos in the country with too much spare change.

morningstar communications

I just got a junk email from these guys. This is beyond insane. The message they sent is worthless, but it's the email recipient list that will completely blow your mind.

Here's the crappy message. It's not even coherent or convincing...

Dear Investor,

Over here at Morning Star Communications, we strive to find you the best
market opportunities. We are happy to say OTC:BB IDVC is the right kind of
opportunity. Find out why the house, senate and DOD all agree that this company is heading in the right direction.

Click here to get more information:: http://qurl.com/j22m1

MorningStar Communications.


But here's what puts the "CON" in the Wis-CON-son collective bargaining crisis.
The email list is full of "sonofs." I guess this would be pronounced "sun-uhhvzzz" I chose not to complete them w/ the relevant domain name (they're all hotmail). I just thought it made for an interesting spam e-mail subset. If you were the I.T. consultant for Morningstar and dished out cash for this "targeted" email list, I hope your superiors don't read this blog entry. Anyway, here are some of the unusual email addresses...


sonofsword - Sounds like something from a Lord of the Rings fanatic. I've tried to watch that movie 3 times now. I fall asleep every time about 30 minutes in. It's exhausting with all the whispering and early emphasis on jubilant Hobbit crap.

sonofsapphire - My birth stone is the peridot.

sonofsun - they stole this from me. One of my double cds is the sonofsun/sonofmoon compilation.

sonof666 - I was at Starlake many years ago and this guy milling around the top of the steps had a t-shirt that simply read...

666
MOTHER FUCKER

I like it when these concertgoers show up at Eat'n'Park, Friendly's or King's after the concert. Any family style restaurant will do. The facial reactions from elderly diners are a sight to behold.

sonoffrance - What the hell does this mean anyway? Sounds like something out of Braveheart. Edward the Longshanks reached a duplicitous arrangement with Son Of France.

sonofabitch - Maybe the person likes that crappy anthem rocker, "Now You're Messin' With A Son of a Bitch." I forget who sings that song - Nazareth or someone like Ted Nugent?

sonofasonofasailor - Lame. Fail. Obviously a Jimmy Buffett fan. Stick a cheeseburger up his ass. He'll probably think it's paradise.

sonofsilverman - Ahhh, a fellow Jew. I wonder if there's a sonofschwartz.

sonofsaturn - I have a hunch on this one. General Motors marketed and actively promoted their Saturn line to gay men. Proud fag bought new car.

sonofsam - there were a bunch of these accompanied by several different numerical combinations (i.e. sonofsam13, sonofsam666, etc). Overall, not too creative.

sonof69 - Does anyone actually try this sex move anymore? I think it got phased out in late 70's/early 80's porn.

sonofyourmom - this begs the question, "Who are you?" and the person replies - I'm the son of your mom" Assuming that's the intent... hysterical, very funny.

I regret to inform you that there wasn't a sonofsyphilis@hotmail.com. Kind of a bummer. I thought there might be a few more duplicate names other than sonofsun. After all, I've got over 40 sonofcds and you figure the law of averages would kick in at some point.

Porter Stansberry commercial

http://www.stansberryresearch.com/pro/1011PSIVABVD/EPSILC04/PR?o=218966&s=221476&u=26982379&l=190653&r=Milo

I just saw the Porter Stansberry commercial that runs on MSNBC and who knows what other channels. You know, it's the one where this visionary investor who predicted the demise of General Motors, Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae is claiming the United States will soon face an economic catastrophe that is 10X worse than the 2008 U.S. economic collapse. The 30 second commercial claims a financial Armageddon is coming this year. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I do not know. Fortunately, he describes ways you can actually make money when the U.S. government goes kaput. In any event, I did listen to his entire infomercial. A few observations...

First is the doomsday ploy he uses to grab your attention. This was done through the short commercial blip. And it's pretty damn effective. I like how they showed the children playing in the schoolyard with the ominous, foreboding music in the background. I also was intrigued that he focused on the housing crisis and not companies like AIG. After all, most people have short attention spans when it comes to the specific insurance companies and banks. They're far more likely to have been affected by the housing crisis. Smart move w/ Freddie & Fannie, even though most people have only a vague understanding how these companies work. They just know that they're affiliated with the federal government. It is fair game though.

The major thing that stuck in my mind was the "IMMINENT DANGER WARNING - MANY PEOPLE WILL FIND THIS OFFENSIVE" at the top of the screen. There's an underlying suggestion that there are "corrupt individuals" that wish to silence him. If the information I'm about to divulge finds its way to the general public, we're all screwed. Never mind that it's pasted all over the interent. This is just a simple "me against them" approach. It's not very effective with me, but has this aggressive Fox News distribution mentality which is so pervasive these days.

I also thought the format was curious. There's no way to scroll through the damn thing. The timing bar at the bottom has been disabled so you have absolutely no idea how long this piece will drone on. You can't just sift through it. You have to listen to the thing in its entirety. I wouldn't be too shocked to see more of this stuff on the internet int he future. Very effective propaganda - just text with a reassuring voice overlay. My brother forwarded me a similar piece that lashed out against Bernanke, Geithner and the Federal Reserve. This one was far more convincing because they didn't try to sell me anything at the end.

The build up is fascinating. He spends about the first 75% building his resume. Impressing the listener with facts, figures, charts, quotes, etc. Also fair game but easily refuted. One of the key arguments he makes is that there's a growing number of countries who seek to suddenly eliminate the prevailing global U.S. currency standard. And it's all going to happen at once. Yep, you guessed it - in 2011. But he refuses to acknowledge that all the countries involved in this exclusive cabal would face dire economic consequences as well.

At the end of this unusual piece, he claims he has "secret" ways to save your finances and more importantly, "protect your family." This is big-time fear mongering. He even surprisingly mentions the possibility of stocking up, hiding out in the woods and living off-the-grid for 6 months. Surprised he took it to that level because that's not just scare tactics, it's pure fear mongering. The government will not protect you. They will only seek to protect themselves. You'll be left out in the cold. And your children will starve.

Finally, he makes his pitch. You've got to buy gold and silver NOW. Hey, this advice is free. Ahhh, cool. Thanks man. But wait, he has "secret" ways to go the extra mile that the government doesn't want you to know about. The investment advice is free but you need to pay the extra 50 bucks for the "inside" information which will strengthen your bank account even when the country is in a state of civil war. Also curious is his desire to be paid for this confidential information with U.S. currency - the stuff he feels is going to be totally worthless. Hmmm?

What I found fascinating was the build-up and production quality of the commercial. It's designed to appeal to your two base instincts, fear and greed. This is the oldest scam in the book. Prey upon the 2 biggest emotions that govern impetuous decision making. The pure rolling text lets you read along and be educated. Some words in bold, some underlined. The whole thing reminds me of my arch nemesis Benny Hinn, the world's leading billionaire televangelist. Hinn uses very similar tactics. Although far less informative from an intellectual standpoint, Benny loves to use the fear card (of course, he goes after your physical health AND financial well-being). Same general principles though.

I just found the whole thing fascinating because this Porter Stansberry creation could represent the first, major attempt to legitimize investment scams in the name of free speech. Stansberry has already been fined 1.5 million by the hated SEC for some "monetary free speech" issues that arose in 2002. So he has this cult-like standing to pursue his cause. And we've already seen political commentators like Glen Beck pushing for a return to the gold standard. Maybe Beck, Stansberry and Benny Hinn could get together and resurrect the Cross of Gold speech (William Jennings Bryant - see, that 10th grade U.S. history class finally paid off). I think it's interesting that MSNBC execs took the low road and decided to run this ad. Perhaps they weren't given a choice or some form of leverage was exacted upon them. Either way, I suspect you'll see a case of this nature make it's way to the Supreme Court. The pervasive elements of fear-mongering and "the world is coming to an end" make this type of sales pitch unique. Then again, even this Supreme Court (trending conservative) thinks free speech is pretty absolute with the recent cases to greatly loosen laws regarding private corporation contributions to political campaigns and of course the Westboro Bapist fucks. What happens in Topeka, stays in Topeka. Well... not in this day and age.

Will the United States face an unfathomable economic collapse in 2001? Possibly. I do not know. But here's something I do know. As the economy continues to flounder, I suspect this commercial, the accompanying internet advertisement and similar politically inspired financial schemes will become more commonplace. I look for some fallout on this one because Stansberry takes it to an entirely new level.

And here's what's really crazy... After railing against Stansberry's straw house arguments, emphasis on doomsday scenarios and unabashed fear mongering, I still think he has the first amendment right to push this drivel on the American public. And I have a hunch the current S.C.O.T.U.S. will back his ass up.

Liverpool

It's Sunday morning and I'm watching my favorite European soccer team. At the half-way mark, Liverpool is up 2-0 over Manchester United. If you were ever curious (and I doubt you are), I'm a big Liverpool fan. I jumped on the soccer bandwagon back in 1994 when the World Cup came to the United States. Regrettably, the 2022 World Cup bid was awarded to Qatar but that's another matter entirely. I'm still bitter over that nonsense, but like I said, another time.

Anyway, there's a pretty large gap in American comprehension of soccer. Most people in the states just don't have a decent grasp. Since I have a decent understanding of both, I'm going to chime in. Rather than go into a lengthy explanation of the rules and trends, I'm going to spoon feed you the essentials. I'll be the first to admit, if you turn on the television and view a soccer match at random, it can be kind of dull and uninspired. It's imperative to know which games to watch. Which games matter in terms of relegation or promotion - a concept that Americans will never comprehend. Anyhoo, a good question you might ask is, "I don't know shit about soccer. Saf, what team should I root for?" Excellent query.

My heart will always be with Liverpool. Back in 1994, I was captivated by the 17 year old phenom Michael Owen. His heroics rallied the English National team even though they eventually fizzled out. Owen got his start at Liverpool so naturally they became my instant favorite. Another reason is their anthem. The song "You'll Never Walk Alone" is sung before every game. It's a tribute to the 96 fans who died as a result of a stampede in the former stadium in nearby Sheffield, England. Knowing my fascination with human stampedes and the possibility of death through crush asphyxiation, Liverpool just seems cool. And they were home to The Beatles. Tough to top that one.

I could understand if you have difficulty wrapping your head around that line of reasoning. So allow me to simplify. If you're a fan of the coolest NFL franchise aka the Pittsburgh Steelers, you should invariably root for Liverpool. Liverpool is historically the most successful team in English soccer. The fans trend very passionate and have a noticeable blue collar vibe. Very similar to the Steelers faithful.

At the opposite end of the spectrum is the most reviled, yet commonly worshiped team known as Manchester United. This is the ultimate poser, bandwagon team. If you ally yourself with things like gaudy jewelry, Hummer-type vehicles, boob jobs, Jersey Shore antics and just an all-around propensity for being an obnoxious douche bag... look no further, you should cheer for Manchester United. Now which American football team parallels those thematic underpinnings? Yep you guessed it. The Dallas Cowboys are the no-brainer choice here in the states. The egomaniac owner and the self-absorbed fans help elevate the Cowboys to the status of "America's Team." Man U. fans have that exact same distinction. I mentioned The Beatles were home to Liverpool. If I had to select a band to represent the Cowboys, I'd probably choose an emo-band like Good Charlotte, or better yet, Creed seems to be a nice fit.

One of the other big English clubs is Arsenal. This team reminds me of the Indianapolis Colts. Both teams always seem to place an emphasis on speed, pace, precision, accuracy and timing. Does that sound like anyone familiar? Yep... Peyton Manning. The Arsenal legend Frenchman Thierry (pronounced tea-air-ee) Henry reminds me of the Indy QB. Henry is far less animated but just as effective and confident. Ken Dague likes to say the word "Arsenal."

The final team of the big 4 is Chelsea. I don't really have anything against the blues. I'm a big fan of the Ivory Coast forward Didier Drogba. Definitely one of the most recognizable athletes of Europe. This guy is a bad ass finisher. I suppose I'd compare Chelsea to the New York Giants (probably the traditional blue uniforms). Chelsea is owned by a billionaire Russian oil tycoon. Very high profile, just like the New York Giants despite their stadium being in East Rutherford, New Jersey.

Dirk Kuyt just scored another goal for Liverpool in the 66th minute. He has a hat trick. They are now up 3-0 on the asshole team and the fans at Anfield are going nuts. For American football fans - a ripe analogy would be the Steelers beating the Cowboys 24-0 late in the 3rd period. And James Harrison just knocked Tony Homo out of the game with a concussion.

Since I'm on the subject of European soccer, here are the other cool teams in case anyone wants to know.

Germany - stick with Bayer Leverkusen. The Dallas Cowboys of the German Bundesliga are most certainly Bayern Munich.

Spain - Cheer for Deportivo La Coruna (Leigh Cliser's favorite team because she enjoyed repeating the word "Deportivo"). Barcelona is also cool to root for. Lots of flash and excitement.

Italy - You're probably assuming I'd root for Juventus, because my weak WV accent would pronounce it "Jew-Vent-Us." You would be mistaken. I honestly don't have a favorite Italian club team in the Serie-A. The Italian style of play bores the piss out of me. Low scoring games with a tedious emphasis on the bulk of play through the midfield. I do like the Roma fans, but that's just because they assaulted the poser Man U fans a few years ago at a European Champions League game in Rome. Manchester United followers have no right whatsoever to equate their behavior with that of the true hooligans.

Scotland - I'd probably go with Falkirk or Stirling based on the battle scenes from the movie Braveheart. Not very scientific methodology with this one.

France - don't care.

And my favorite national team is England of course. Runner up you gotta go with The Netherlands. In a distant 3rd place, I guess I'd go with our own National team which really need an identity. We just call it the U.S. National Team. Lame. England has a cool nickname - The Three Lions. The Dutch are usually referred to as Clockwork Orange. How fucking cool is that? Maybe the U.S. team could be called "The States." Or maybe "All-States." Hell, you could get that assholic insurance company Allstate to come on board, maybe they could be the sponsor. I detest all insurance companies, but there's a special place in heart for Allstate. Actually, instead of my heart, I'd place my love for Allstate somewhere deep in my colon. Specifically, the portion that is affected by a flare-up of ulcerative colitis from time to time. But why do I specifically loathe Allstate? In 1991, I canceled my auto insurance with their local provider. Nonetheless, they decided to reward me with an additional 2 months of coverage. Even though I proved that I switched insurance coverage, they sent me the bill. I ignored the bill and yep, you guessed it, those mother fuckers sent it to a collection agency. Nothing's worse than insurance, right? Well, there is one thing that's worse. Paying for insurance that doesn't insure shit. Fuck Allstate. Fuck them. I will never let this go.

And Liverpool triumphs 3-0 over Manchester United. You'll never walk alone (unless you have insurance through Allstate I suppose).