#878. Roanokan

I conceptualized of this parody yesterday.  It's a winner.  It even has the potential to become a hot new regional dance craze.  You know... the Twist, the Macarena, and the, uh well, Roanokan.

My version includes the rebellious elements of Twisted Sister.  Not to mention a shout out to Modest Mouse. As well as some deep cover shiznit thuggin'.

And foodies will celebrate the hot pretzel cheesiness.  If you wish to substitute a Big Mac with a Jack Black, so be it.  Dope smokin', basket lotion, facebook al-goin' rhythms... believe me, this one has potential.

So cue the dive bar karaoke.  Especially if you live in Roanoke, Vagina.  There's actually a bunch of towns called Roanoke.  Eleven to be precise in WV, WA, VA, TX, MO, LA, KY, IN, IL, AL.

And the best part, the dance moves are already out there.  It just needs a little choreography.

Roanokan
sonofsaf

Everybody's doing a brand new dance now
(Float on, baby, do the row-a-nokan)
I know you’re gonna dig it ‘cause you’re rowin’ a boat now
(Float on, baby, do the row-a-nokan)
‘Cause I’m a Twisted Sister pretzel Snyder please
It’s cheesier and filling get down on your knees

So float on, float on
Do the row-a-nokan and see
You gotta row those hips now
Float on, baby, whazzup, Big Mac
Watch out for any ducks that quack, yo

Now that Snoop’s the shiznit, smoke the Mary Jane now
(Float on, baby, do the row-a-nokan)
In the basket lotion Silence of the Lambs now
(Float on, baby, do the row-a-nokan)
Peasy Japanesey now, you’re on a roll
The facebook algorithms are takin’ a toll

So float on, float on
Do the row-a-nokan and see
The row-a-nokan
Float on, float on
The row-a-nokan
Float on, float on
The row-a-nokan
Float on, float on, float on, float on, float on

Groovin’ ain’t a chore for a row-a-nokan
(Float on, baby, do the row-a-nokan)
Lovin’ number nine if you need a potion
(Float on, baby, do the row-a-nokan)
You’re gonna feel romance and be wantin’ to screw
Come meet your sugar daddy for some chocolate fondue

So float on, float on
Do the row-a-nokan and see
You gotta row those hips now
Float on, baby, whazzup, Big Mac
Watch out for any ducks that quack, yo

Do the row-a, do the row-a, do the row-a, the row-a-nokan
(Float on, baby, do the row-a-nokan)
Do the row-a, do the row-a, do the row-a, the row-a-nokan
(Float on, baby, do the row-a-nokan)

Peasy Japanesey now, you’re on a roll
The facebook algorithms are takin’ a toll

So float on, float on
Do the row-a-nokan
Float on, float on
Do the row-a-nokan
Float on, float on
Do the row-a-nokan and see

Float on, float on
The row-a-nokan
Float on, float on
The row-a-nokan
Float on, float on
The row-a-nokan
Float on, float on
The row-a-nokan
Float on, float on
The row-a-nokan
Float on, float on, float on, float on

Locomotion
Carole King & Little Eva

Everybody's doing a brand new dance now
(Come on, baby, do the loco-motion)
I know you'll get to like it if you give it a chance now
(Come on, baby, do the loco-motion)
My little baby sister can do it with ease
It's easier than learning your ABCs

So come on, come on
Do the loco-motion with me
You gotta swing your hips now
Come on, baby, jump up, jump back
Oh well, I think you got the knack, oh

Now that you can do it, let's make a chain now
(Come on, baby, do the loco-motion)
Chug-a chug-a motion like a railway train now
(Come on, baby, do the loco-motion)
Do it nice and easy now, don't lose control
A little bit of rhythm and a lot of soul

So come on, come on
Do the loco-motion with me
The loco-motion
Come on, come on
The loco-motion
Come on, come on
The loco-motion
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on

Move around the floor in a loco-motion
(Come on, baby, do the loco-motion)
Do it holding hands if you got the notion
(Come on, baby, do the loco-motion)
There's never been a dance that's so easy to do
It even makes you happy when you're feeling blue

So come on, come on
Do the loco-motion with me
You gotta swing your hips now
Come on, baby, jump up, jump back
Oh well, I think you got the knack, oh

Do the loco, do the loco, do the loco, the loco-motion
(Come on, baby, do the loco-motion)
Do the loco, do the loco, do the loco, the loco-motion
(Come on, baby, do the loco-motion)

Do it nice and easy now, don't lose control
A little bit of rhythm and a lot of soul

So come on, come on
Do the loco-motion
Come on, come on
Do the loco-motion
Come on, come on
Do the loco-motion with me

Come on, come on
The loco-motion
Come on, come on
The loco-motion
Come on, come on
The loco-motion
Come on, come on
The loco-motion
Come on, come on
The loco-motion
Come on, come on, come on, come on

My freshman college roommate at Dayton was this total asshole douchebag from Buffalo.  Mike Bowlen.  Obnoxious as fuck.  He would blare the locomotion song repeatedly.  Hoping that a random girl in the hallway might take an interest.  And he'd invite her into the room to dance.  Never got laid. 

He was a complete idiot too.  A mechanical engineering major who was having great difficulty with a required, remedial algebra course.  Fuckin' dumbshit.

Please do not share this material with anyone who resides in Roanoke and/or considers themselves a "Roanokan."