#3601. Matty Van Epps

Special Election Alert! 

The GOP is panicking.  It's suddenly a very tight race for Congress in Tennessee's 7th District.   

Matt Van Epps (R) vs. Aftyn Behn (D)

The winner will replace Representative Mark Green who's retiring amidst financial corruption charges.  Hey, at least he wasn't a pedophile like Jeff Epstein.  That's pretty much where the "bar has been set" for the Republican Congress.  It's the new standard.  Like Coach Mike Tomlin always says... the standard is the standard.

I like to refer to Matt Van Epps as "Matty."  

You know, in honor of retired QB Matt Ryan of the Atlanta Falcons. (chapter 8)

Assuming the Orange Prolapse doesn't declare martial law and try to suspend the election, it will take place as scheduled on Dec. 2, 2025.

 

Curious to see if Behn can pull it off.  In 2024, the 7th District was a resounding +20 for Trump.

 

Matty Van Epps
sonofsaf

Why’s The Donald a thug 
Clown with the face of a mug
His son-in-law’s a Kosher Jew
Small erection plan
Tiny mushroom demand
And Stormy D.’s a whore God Bless You.
Inbred, urine’s yellow,
What a strange bedfellow,
Implants he would approve
Yinz silicon don’t stare
Too many Trumpy Bears
(And) A MAGA dildo for two.

Inbred, abuse me.

Donald’s hair is queerer than my wife’s.
News is fakin’ butt that’s life in D.C.
Trump’s a weird drag queen,
Superbad, Lord, 
Lovin’ that Hungary.
An Orange Prolapsin’ fister,
A colonic twister.
Here’s a McDouble for you.
Job to blow is from Stormy
Shower urinary
And Kushner’s a kosher Jew.

Oh, fuckin’ Matty Van Epps
Matty Van Epps two-fister
Matty Van Epps’ asshole is sore
Matty Van Epps
Matty Van Epps two-fister,
‘Cause Forty-seven we don’t adore
Manure*

Hell the Proud Boys hooray
Although many are gay
Jared Kushner’s who they abhor.
Butt Ivanka’s a cunt,
Hell, wants Jewish cum
As an Orange clown knocks at the door.
Lake Tahoe wet dream, with porno too
Butt news is fake, and Stormy’s softcore.
No more Tahoe wet creaming, defile then pray
‘Cause Trump’s inbred and hatin’ Al Gore.

Oh, fuckin’ Matty Van Epps
Matty Van Epps two-fister
Matty Van Epps’ asshole is sore
Matty Van Epps
Matty Van Epps two-fister,
‘Cause Forty-seven we don’t adore

Stormy civil war

 

Gimme Three Steps
Lynyrd Skynyrd

I was cutting the rug
Down at a place called The Jug
With a girl named Linda Lu
When in walked a man
With a gun in his hand
And he was looking for you know who.
He said, "Hey there fellow,
With the hair colored yellow,
What you tryin' to prove?
'Cause that's my woman there
And I'm a man who cares
And this might be all for you."

I said, "Excuse me."

I was scared and fearing for my life.
I was shakin' like a leaf on a tree.
'Cause he was lean, mean,
Big and bad, Lord,
Pointin' that gun at me.
Oh "Wait a minute, mister,
I didn't even kiss her.
Don't want no trouble with you.
And I know you don't owe me
But I wish you'd let me
Ask one favor from you."

"Oh, won't you give me three steps,
Gimme three steps a-mister,
Gimme three steps towards the door?
Gimme three steps
Gimme three steps a-mister,
And you'll never see a-me no more
For sure."

Well the crowd cleared away
And I began to pray
And the water fell on the floor.
And I'm telling you son,
Well, it ain't no fun
Staring straight down a forty-four.
Well he turned and screamed at Linda Lu
And that's the break I was looking for.
And you could hear me screaming a mile away
As I was headed out towards the door.

"Oh, won't you give me three steps,
Gimme three steps a-mister,
Gimme three steps towards the door?
Gimme three steps
Gimme three steps a-mister,
And you'll never see a-me no more."

Show me the back door.

 

Great lyrics.  Challenging parody.  If only Van Epps represented the Jacksonville, FL area... instead of central western Tennessee.  The origins of Skynyrd are Jacksonville.  Home to the NFL's Jaguars as well. (chapter 4).

I once scalped a Skynyrd / Hank Williams Jr. concert at Star Lake.  Easily the most violent parking lot scene in the history of the venue.  Fights breaking out all over the place.  They had to bring in about 5-10 additional cruisers.  Broken noses and blood everywhere.  Fond memories.

From 1975 to the present, Lynyrd Skynyrd has free-birded the Burgh an amazing 31 times.  Surprisingly, I've only seen 'em once.

 

Lynyrd Skynyrd:

7-17-05, Jamboree In The Hills, Morristown, OH (limo job)

The Big Lie 100:

#3412.  Epstein Files (Million Miles --- Fuel)

#3413.  Nancy Mace (Cyberspace --- AC/DC)

#3414.  Nancy Mace (Paper Chase --- The Academy Is...)

#3415.  Sarah Qudah (Barracuda --- Heart) 

#3416.  Bolton Bummer (Golden Slumbers --- Paul McCartney)

#3417.  Jeff Crank (Blood Bank --- Macabre)

#3418.  Donald Trump's A Total Shitshow (Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go --- Wham)

#3419.  Laura E. Loomer (I Heard A Rumor --- Bananarama)

#3420.  Gor (War --- Son Lux)

#3421.  Gor (War --- The Exploited)

#3422.  Fat Orange Man (Sharp Dressed Man --- ZZ Top)

#3423.  Senator Rounds (Comforting Sounds --- Mew)

#3424.  Trump Center (Tormentor --- Kreator)

#3425.  Gor (War --- The Cardigans) 

#3426.  O'Neill (The Wheel --- Grateful Dead)

#3427.  Fuck Ashli Babbitt (I Am A Rabbitt --- The Lemonheads)

#3428.  Ernst Was For Sale (Cursed Female --- Porno For Pyros)

#3429.  Donald Clown (Golden Brown --- The Stranglers)

#3430.  Jim O'Neill (Heart Of Steel --- A Flock Of Seagulls)

#3431.  Cracker's A Barrel (Roll Out The Barrel --- West Coast Prost)

#3432.  Scumbag Nancy Mace (Scumbag Human Race --- Destruction)

#3433.  Trump (Plump --- Hole)

#3434.  Laura Loomer (Sense Of Humor --- Daniel Johnston)

#3435.  Ashley Hinson (Turning Crimson --- IAMX)

#3436.  Dana White (Satellite --- Depeche Mode)

#3437.  Dana White (Dynamite --- Scorpions)

#3438.  Dana White (Satellite --- All Time Low)

#3439.  Dana White (One More Night --- Phil Collins)

#3440.  White (Night --- Judy Collins)

#3441.  Dana White (Fly By Night --- Rush)

#3442.  Dana White (Silent Night --- Taylor Swift)

#3443.  White (Fight --- The Cure)

#3444.  Dana White (Satellite --- Brian Jonestown Massacre)

#3445.  Trump Is Inbred (Over My Head --- Alabama Shakes)

#3446.  Amicola (Ayatollah --- Catfish And The Bottlemen)

#3447.  Charlie Kirk (Dirty Work --- Steely Dan)

#3448.  Charlie Kirk Sold Out (We Can Work It Out --- The Beatles)

#3449.  White's Cum (nightcum --- Corbin)

#3450.  Dana White (Satellite --- Guster)

#3451.  Tyler Robinson (Mrs. Robinson --- Simon & Garfunkel)

#3452.  Dana White (See The Light --- Hillsong Worship)

#3453.  Buffalo Bills (Run To The Hills --- Iron Maiden)

#3454.  Russ Diamond (Black Diamond --- Kiss)

#3455.  Tyrus (Iris --- Goo Goo Dolls)

#3456.  Tyrus (Iris --- The Breeders)

#3457.  Tyrus (Iris --- Live)

#3458.  Blow Dana White (Go Fly A Kite --- Bing Crosby)

#3459.  Russ Diamond (Black Diamond --- Bee Gees)

#3460.  Charlie Kirk (Dirty Work --- Sunami)

#3461.  The Orange Prolapse Stain (I Can't Stand The Rain --- Tina Turner)

#3462.  Tyrus (Iris --- Pastel Ghost)

#3463.  Fuck Dana White (The Inner Light --- The Beatles)

#3464.  Antifa (Amnesia --- The Vines)

#3465.  Antifa (Amnesia --- Mr. Kittie)

#3466.  Jimmy Kimmel (Sacrificial --- Death)

#3467.  Tits Are Fake (Cups And Cakes --- Spinal Tap)

#3468.  Dumbfuck Bondi (Must Crush Barbie --- Spinal Tap)

#3469.  Blowing In Mar-a-Lago (Going To California --- Led Zeppelin)

#3470.  The UFC And Dana White (I'm Beginning To See The Light --- Frank Sinatra)

#3471.  Donald Loved Stormy (Gimme Some Money --- Spinal Tap)

#3472.  Jerry Jeudy (Heavy Duty --- Judas Priest)

#3473.  Antifa (Amnesia --- Saga)

#3474.  Congressman Don Bacon (Bringing Home The Bacon --- Procol Harum)

#3475.  Brendan Carr (Drive My Car --- The Beatles)

#3476.  Trump Gold Card (Cop Graveyard --- Teen Suicide)

#3477.  Trump Dump Forever (Hell Bent For Leather)

#3478.  Trump Dump World (Stupid Girl --- Garbage)

#3479.  Trump Is A Shitshow (Come To My Window --- Melissa Etheridge) 

#3480.  Gold Card (Graveyard --- Blue Rodeo)

#3481.  Halligan's Big Lie (Mulligan's Goodbye --- Hamilton)

#3482.  Prosecutor Halligan (Alexander Hamilton --- Hamilton

#3483.  Dirty Cop (Coffee Shop --- Red Hot Chili Peppers)

#3484.  Dirty Cop (Lollipop --- The Chordettes)

#3485.  Dirty Cop (Candy Shop --- 50 Cent & Olivia)

#3486.  SLIMEBALL (Rag Doll --- Franki Valli & The Four Seasons)

#3487.  Dirty Cop (Lollipop --- Treblemakers)

#3488.  Trump Shutdown (Lay It Down --- Ratt)

#3489.  The Donald's Trumpin' And Dumpin' (You've Got Another Thing Comin' --- Judas Priest)

#3490.  Slimeball (Rag Doll --- Aerosmith)

#3491.  The Donald Shutdown (The Final Countdown --- Europe)

#3492.  Shutdown (Downtown --- Petula Clark)

#3493.  Shutdown Street (Shakedown Street --- Grateful Dead)

#3494.  Shutdown (Breakdown --- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers)

#3495.  Trump Shut Shit Down (Don't Bring Me Down --- Electric Light Orchestra)

#3496.  Jared Kushner's A Jew (What I Like About You --- The Romantics)

#3497.  Shutdown (Slow Down --- Ozzy Osbourne)

#3498.  Pete Hegseth (Kiss of Death --- Dokken)

#3499.  Peter Hegseth (Angel Of Death --- Slayer)

#3500.  Fake News (Bad News --- Zach Bryan)

#3501.  Trumpin'  (Truckin' --- Grateful Dead)

#3502.  Donald's Hair & Andy Barr (Kitchenwares & Candy Bars --- Stone Temple Pilots)

#3503.  Pete Hegseth (Kiss Of Death --- New Order)

#3504.  Univision (Television --- Stabbing Westward)

#3505.  Nobel Peace Prize (Devil Inside --- INXS)

#3506.  Scavino (Don't You Know --- The Hollies)

#3507.  Trump Fucked Stormy (Pump Dat Party --- Chemical Brothers)

#3508.  Donald J. Trump (Mutual Slump --- DJ Shadow)

#3509.  Scavino (Don't You Know --- DEVO)

#3510.  Trump (Slump --- Ginger Root)

#3511.  Dumping In Mar-A-Lago (Humping On Your Stereo --- Supergrass)

#3512.  Meloni (Bologna --- Oscar Meyer Commercial)

#3513.  Kushner's A Fucking Jew (Making Our Dreams Come True --- Cyndi Grecco)

#3514.  Scott Kenneth Bessent (Under The Crescent --- Lake Of Tears)

#3515.  Disarm (Disarm --- Smashing Pumpkins)

#3516.  Vince Fong (Bird Song --- Grateful Dead)

#3517.  Scott Bessent's Face (Incessant Mace --- Soundgarden)

#3518.  Kirk Was A Bitch (Working The Ditch --- Melvins)

#3519.  Blue Slip (One Slip --- Pink Floyd)

#3520.  Gallrein (Cocaine --- Eric Clapton)

#3521.  Thune Plan (Spoonman --- Soundgarden)

#3522.  Scott Bessent's Gay (Fluorescent Grey)

#3523.  Ed Gallrein (Ball And Chain --- The Who)

#3524.  Matt Van Epps (Baby Steps --- Olivia Dean)

#3525.  William Crain (Mary Jane --- Spin Doctors)

#3526.  William Crain (Gravy Train --- Staus Quo)

#3527.  Cole (Hole --- Jimmie's Chicken Shack)

#3528.  Donald Trump And Paul Gosar (Anyone Can Play Guitar --- Radiohead)

#3529.  Ballroom Shit (Ballroom Blitz --- Krokus)

#3530.  Ballroom (Perfume --- Old 97's)

#3531.  Ballroom Bullshit (Courtroom Spirit --- Annette Soundtrack)

#3532.  Sununu (Who Are You --- Black Sabbath)

#3533.  Brad Little's Turds (Three Little Birds --- Bob Marley & The Wailers)

#3534.  'Vanka's A Jew (Still Loving You --- Scorpions)

#3535.  Donald's In Charge (Charles In Charge --- Sitcom theme song)

#3536.  Andrew Clyde (Suicide --- Teen Suicide)

#3537.  (Ice Team) --- ((Nice Dream) --- Radiohead)

#3538.  Arctic Frost (Holocaust --- Ceremony)

#3539.  Arctic Frost (Holocaust --- Dan England & John Ford Coley)

#3540.  Tylenol (Waterfall --- Bananarama)

#3541.  Tylenol (Cannonball --- The Breeders)

#3542.  Arctic Frost (Holocaust --- Son Volt)

#3543.  Melissa (Melissa --- King Diamond)

#3544.  Trump Dumpin' It's The Ballroom Shitshow (She Came In Through The Bathroom Window --- The Beatles)

#3545.  Peace Through Strength (Give Me Strength --- Eric Clapton)

#3546.  Peace Through Strength (Inner Strength --- Hilary Duff)

#3547.  Peace Through Strength (Give Me Strength --- Neil Young)

#3548.  Tylenol (Waterfall --- Electric Light Orchestra)

#3549.  Ballroom (Perfume --- The Jesus And Mary Chain)

#3550.  Nigeria (Albania --- Coach from Cheers)

#3551.  Forty-Five (So Alive --- Love And Rockets)

#3552.  Andrew Clyde (Mama Tried --- Grateful Dead)

#3553.  Stormy's Thong (We Belong --- Pat Benatar)

#3554.  Stormy's Thong Forever (We Belong Together --- Bad Brains)

#3555.  Stormy's Thong Brings Pleasure (We Belong Together --- Ritchie Valens)

#3556.  Andrew Clyde (Suicide --- Puddle of Mudd)

#3557.  Donald Is A Wimp (Danny Is A Wimp --- Screeching Weasel)

#3558.  Scharf Lie (Barfly --- Ray LaMontagne)

#3559.  Ballroom (Perfume --- Marilyn Manson)

#3560.  Seven (Heaven --- Bryan Adams)

#3561.  Casey Means (Pork And Beans --- Weezer)

#3562.  Fuentes Is Inbred (Always In My Head --- Coldplay)

#3563.  Shitshow MAGA Trumper (Hello From The Gutter --- Overkill)

#3564.  Liz Peek (Don't Speak --- No Doubt)

#3565.  Two Thousand Dollars (A Thousand Miles --- Vanessa Carlton)

#3566.  Liz Peek (Boutique --- Love Is Noise)

#3567.  Amon-Ra St. Brown (Runnin' Down A Dream --- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers)

#3568.  Amon-Ra: St. Brown Clown (Farmingdale: The Downtown --- They Might Be Giants)

#3569.  Amon-Ra St.: Brown Is A Clown) (Shake Your Body: Down To The Ground --- The Jacksons)

#3570.  Amon-Ra St. Brown (Just Another Clown --- Jigsaw Youth)

#3571.  Saint Brown (Breakdown --- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers)

#3572.  Epstein Hoax (Different Strokes theme song --- Alan Thicke)

#3573.  Stormy D.  (Hard On Me --- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers)

#3574.  Marjorie (Forgery --- Prong)

#3575.  Fuck Tha Police (Karma Police --- Radiohead)

#3576.  The Donald And Marjorie (Cool Amber And Mercury --- Phish)

#3577.  Trumpin' 'n Dumpin' (Money For Nothing --- Dire Straits)

#3578.  Newt (Nude --- Radiohead)

#3579.  Stormy D.  (Jammin' Me -- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers)

#3580.  Rod Bray (Good Day --- New Hope Club)

#3581.  Epstein Files (100 Miles --- Bad Company)

#3582.  Jeff Epstein Files (A Hundred Miles --- Meat Puppets)

#3583.  The Epstein Files (A Million Miles --- Heart)

#3584.  Jeff Epstein Files (10,000 Miles --- Mary Chapin Carpenter)

#3585.  Jeff Epstein Files (Five Hundred Miles --- Justin Timberlake)

#3586.  Epstein Files Hooray (Million Miles Away --- The Offspring)

#3587.  Matt Van Epps (Fifteen Steps --- Radiohead)

#3588.  Infection Of The Yeast (The Number Of The Beast --- Iron Maiden)

#3589.  Greene (Green --- The Dandy Warhols)

#3590.  The Orange Prolapse Clown (The Heart Of A Clown --- Willie Nelson)

#3591.  Ivanka (Roseanna --- Toto)

#3592.  Hunt (Hunt --- Oklou)

#3593.  Wesley Hunt (Battlefront --- Rage Of Light)

#3594.  A MAGA Kerfuffle (The Super Bowl Shuffle --- 1985 Chicago Bears team)

#3595.  Hunt's A Clown (Hunted Down --- Soundgarden)

#3596.  Fucking Jew (Wrecking Crew --- Overkill)

#3597.  Has A Job To Blow (Woman From Tokyo --- Deep Purple)

#3598.  Happy Thanksgiving (The Unforgiven --- Metallica)

#3599.  Charlotte's Web (Arrowhead --- Torche)

#3600.  The Epstein Files (2,000 Miles --- The Pretenders)

#3601.  Matty Van Epps (Gimme Three Steps --- Lynyrd Skynyrd)

Please do not share this material with Matty Van Epps and/or President Donald J. Trump.