Thursday, October 28, 2021

#795. Jesus Braves

The Astros tied it up last night.  So now the series shifts back to Truist Park in Atlanta this Friday night.  Truist?  Uh yeah.  Probably the worst naming rights in the history of pro sports.  Well, unless UPMC tries to take over Heinz Field.

MLB's funny.  The could have hit the tv ratings jackpot with a Red Sox vs. Dodgers World Series.  Ka-ching!  Instead, they got the cheating Houston Astros vs. the tomahawking, politically incorrect Atlanta Braves.

I'll root for the latter.  In fact, I heard a rumor that if the Braves win it all, ownership (Liberty Braves Group) has plans to sell the team to the exalted Christian Lord... Jesus Christ.  A bold move indeed.  See, this way, players could thank God and the owner simultaneously.  Huzzah!


(mark 12:13)

Jesus Braves

Houston Astros cheat, deserve a loss
They should not get their salads tossed
It’s MLB insanity
A calamity
They run around the bases fast
Do not watch baseball rebroadcast
You’ll win the World Series hooray
Commish Manfred, they say he’s gay

Jesus Braves
Do not lose today
You’ll drink and spray champagne insert the bottles all the way

Anal infects, labia crust
All of your shit is bull despite the lust
Total annularity
Fecal worship your idolatry
Consume Big Macs and eat the fries
Commensurate with biggie size
Turds will be extraordinary
Or they might look urinary

Jesus Braves
So don’t delay, the game of baseball’s growing old
Rob Manfred’s very gay

Jesus Braves
Too many days, the season’s way too long for you
Rob Manfred’s very gay


Jesus Saves

You go to the church, you kiss the cross
You will be saved at any cost
You have your own reality
You spend your life just kissing ass
A trait that's grown as time has passed
You think the world will end today
You praise the Lord, that's all you say

Jesus saves
Listen to you pray
You think you'll see the pearly gates when Death takes you away

For all respect, you cannot lust
In an invisible man you place your trust
Indirect dependency
Eternal attempt at amnesty
He will decide who lives and dies
Depopulate, Satanic rise
You will be an accessory
Irreverence and blasphemy

Jesus saves
No need to pray, the gates of pearl have turned to gold
It seems you've lost your way

Jesus saves
No words of praise, no promised land to take you to
There is no other way


Challenging lyrics.  Might be an easier parody if you try the acoustic version.  Because anything Slayer literally cries out to be acoustically softened.


11-17-88, Hara Arena, Dayton, OH (w/ Motorhead & Overkill)

10-26-03, Rostraver Ice Garden, Belle Vernon, PA

8-28-04, Post-Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (Ozz Fest)

7-31-07, Time Warner Cable Amphitheater, Cleveland, OH (opened for Marilyn Manson)

8-1-09, Post-Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (Mayhem Fest)

11-20-13, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA

7-8-15, Post-Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA (Mayhem Fest w/ King Diamond)

9-15-16, Stage AE, Pittsburgh, PA


Please do not share this material with MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred and/or fans of the Atlanta Braves.

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