Back in the early 90's, I used to run around with this girl Terri Moore from Martins Ferry, OH.
At the time, I was "quasi-homeless." Crashing with friends, sleeping in my car, etc. So I asked her if I could stay at her house. She quickly replied, "Of course you can stay with us. But I gotta warn you, my mom can be a bit of a grouch."
The following morning, her mom Bonnie abruptly woke me up after a long night of Rolling Rock consumption. She asked for my help. "We need to get this couch outta here. Your feet stink and they've infected my couch. We need to air it out, NOW!!!" Obviously, I obliged and we moved it out of the living room onto the porch. Then I asked, "Uh, where am I gonna sleep?" She pointed to a chair and said "you can sit in that chair... over there."
But my favorite Terri Moore story...
Beautiful summer day back in 1991. At the time, I was dating our mutual friend Christie M.
So it’s just me and Terri driving in my busted-up red Dodge Omni 024 with a blue passenger door. We pull up to the light at the Hanover Exit in Martins Ferry. An exit I know all too well, but that’s another story.
Anyhoo, this fire engine flashy red Chevy Corvette convertible, with the top down, pulls up next to us. The preppy couple in the car simultaneously look over and give us this glance of disgust and contempt.
For some reason (to this day I have no idea why) I discreetly nudge Terri and mumble, “Hey, pretend you’re my psychotic girlfriend and you just busted me for cheating on you.” She’s like “uh what?” And I’m like just go for it. Go crazy!
Well, needless to say, the next 20 seconds proved to be the greatest historical moment in the history of Route 7.
Terri spontaneously went female wolfman berserker. Screaming I hate you, you mother fuckin’ piece of shit, fuckin' scumbag, threats of castration, etc. And then she starts physically "fake-thrashing" me. Windmill style. I fire back, “Get the hell off me you crazy bitch!”
Naturally this totally freaked out the Corvette couple. Their jaws literally dropped as they watched in horror. Then, as the left signal turned green we instantly stopped fighting… and then both started yelling at them. “What the fuck are you looking at! Yeah, fuck you! Yeah, go fuck yourselves! Losers!”
As I pulled away, I’m like “What the hell just happened? That was insane.” We both started laughing so hard to the point of tears streaming down our faces. I actually had to pull over in a McDonald’s parking lot because I physically couldn’t drive.
And that… was my friend Terri Moore. RIP.
This parody is dedicated to Terri Moore. She was a masterpiece.
Donald J. Trump’s Board Of Peace
sonofsaf
Fuckin’ Kristi Noem, is double trouble
Agent shitheads, ICE doesn’t care
Assholes cannot wink, there’s a market bubble
Bought and sold, nondisclosure porn affairs
Fire fury attack is a Ghislaine groom
Ivanka spreads hate with the MAGA flag unfurled police
The vomit in their hair’s smelly
Donald J. Trump’s Board Of Peace
Oh, Trump Towers and lent, Filet ‘o-fuckin’ Fishin’
Insurrection and coup d’etat crimes
Your Bud Light’s transexual trouble, Dylan Mulvaney’s scrotum
Horse manure was part of the big lie
Stormy is humming on a mushroom that’s so tiny
And the jism she’s swallowing’s an immaculate* feast
Hooray, a McDonald’s Quarter Pound ain’t the enemy
Donald J. Trump’s Board Of Peace
Fuck Kristi Noem, DHS cunt muscle
Stormy Daniels so lumpy can’t be denied
Operation Desert Storm, was a Middle East hustle
Saddam’s (sodom’s) the fuckin’ enemy butt it’s classified
Small erection came in handy
Orange Prolapsin’ clown’s gas to release
Hooray, shit gets more belligerent
Donald J. Trump’s Board Of Peace
When I Paint My Masterpiece
Grateful Dead
Oh, the streets of Rome are filled with rubble
Ancient footprints are everywhere
You could almost think that you're seeing double
On the cold, dark night on the Spanish Stairs
Gotta hurry on back to my hotel room
Where I got me a date with a pretty little girl from Greece
She promised she'd be there with me
When I paint my masterpiece
Oh, the hours we spent, inside the Coliseum
Dodging lions, and a-wasting time
Oh those mighty kings of the jungle, I could hardly stand to see 'em
Yes it sure has been a long, hard drive
Train wheels a-running thru the back of my memory
When I ran on a hilltop following a pack of wild geese
Someday everything is gonna sound like a rhapsody
When I paint my masterpiece
Well I left Rome, and landed in Brussels
On a plane ride so bumpy that I almost cried
Clergy men in uniform, and young girls pulling mussels
Everyone was there to greet me when I stepped inside
Newspaper men eating candy
Had to be held down by big police
Someday, its gonna be different
When I paint my masterpiece
Challenging lyrics. Great tune. Highly likely the only parody of Masterpiece in existence.
From 1969 to 1995, the Grateful Dead broke down the Burgh a grand total of 19 times.
| 4th down on the left. |
Grateful Dead:
04-08-89, Riverfront Coliseum, Cincinnati, OH10-22-89, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
07-08-90, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA
09-07-90, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-08-90, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-18-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-20-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-21-91, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
06-09-91, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
06-14-91, RFK Stadium, Washington, D.C.
06-21-91, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
06-24-91, Sandstone Amphitheatre, Bonner Springs, KS
09-04-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-05-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-06-91, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-06-92, Rich Stadium, Orchard Park, NY
06-08-92, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-09-92, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-11-92, Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, NY
06-12-92, Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, NY
06-14-92, Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
06-15-92, Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
06-17-92, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
06-18-92, Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, NC
06-20-92, RFK Stadium, Washington, D.C.
06-22-92, Star Lake Amphitheatre, Burgettstown, PA
06-23-92, Star Lake Amphitheatre, Burgettstown, PA
06-25-92, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
06-26-92, Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
07-01-92, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
03-14-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-17-93, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
03-18-93, Capital Centre, Landover, MD
06-11-93, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
06-18-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
06-21-93, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN
06-22-93, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN
09-09-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
09-10-93, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-20-94, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
03-21-94, Richfield Coliseum, Cleveland, OH
07-29-94, Buckeye Lake Music Center, Hebron, OH
03-17-95, The Spectrum, Philadelphia, PA
06-30-95, Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA
07-02-95, Deer Creek Music Center, Noblesville, IN
Bob Weir, 8-31-92, I.C. Light Amphitheatre, Pittsburgh, PA
Ratdog & Rusted Root, 8-12-01, Post Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA
The Other Ones, 11-29-02, Mellon Arena, Pittsburgh, PA
The Dead, Bob Dylan, 8-6-03, Germain Amphitheater, Columbus, OH
Dead & Company, 6-28-17, Blossom Music Center, Cuyahoga Falls, OH
