#29. Burn The Mitch

April 23, 2021 is World Turtle Day.  Who knew?  

Yeah, I'm a few months early.  But at least I got the date correct.  Turtles ain't that bad.  I have two fond memories of 'em.  

A.  I really like those Belmont Turtle Cheesecake twin packs from Aldi.  Dirt cheap, good stuff.  Two of the mysteries of the universe - why do locals call Aldi Aldis and Kroger Krogers?

B.  Back in 1999, I actually got to hang out with the monster turtles in the Galapagos Islands.  Had a great time in Ecuador.  Well, except for that food poisoning incident near the end of the trip.  Brutal.        

But if there's one turtle out there responsible for crashing the internet, it's gotta be Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY).  Look at some of this shit.  It's god-damn ubiquitous.

 

Now with a little modern cosmetic surgery, the possibilities are endless.

On second thought, maybe not.

My buddy "Fingercut" once proclaimed, "E, you can't polish a turd!"  Of course, this was a veiled reference to an old clunker Buick he was working on.  Not the former Senate Majority Leader.

But in honor of Turtle Day (admittedly 3 months early), let's do a Mitch parody trifecta.  Starting with the best song and video of the past decade.

Dedicated to the new Senate Majority Leader, and fellow Jew, Chuck Schumer (D-NY).

Burn the Mitch
sonofsaf

Pale and so shallow
Like a marshmallow
He is so fucked up

He has a low hanging testicle sack
Sucks the dong of the gay cocks you know

Burn the Mitch
Burn the Mitch
Disabled to give

Heaps losses onto the poor
Refuses to discern
Licks assholes so able
Political treason
Avoid all eye contact
Fake news redact
Feel the wrath incurred

He has a low hanging testicle sack
Suck the dong of Mike Pence he blows

Burn the Mitch
Burn the Mitch

Disabled to give
Disabled to give

Burn the Witch
Radiohead

Stay in the shadows
Cheer at the gallows
This is a round up

This is a low flying panic attack
Sing a song on the jukebox that goes

Burn the witch
Burn the witch
We know where you live

Red crosses on wooden doors
And if you float you burn
Loose talk around tables
Abandon all reason
Avoid all eye contact
Do not react
Shoot the messengers

This is a low flying panic attack
Sing the song of sixpence that goes

Burn the witch
Burn the witch

We know where you live
We know where you live

Radiohead concerts:

8-8-01, Blossom Music Center, Cuyahoga Falls, OH

7-26-18, PPG Paints Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

Do not share this information with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Radiohead fans, Aldi & Kroger employees, and/or people who seek out a small caged pet and end up purchasing a turtle (just a really peculiar choice).