Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank doesn’t have particularly good luck. Yeah, he’s a co-founder of Home Depot with a net worth of 5.3 billion. Not too shabby. But sports-wise, whatever he touches turns to shit. Think about it.
In the 2016-2017 season, his team makes it all the way to the Super Bowl and goes up 28-3 in the 3rd quarter against the New England Patriots. So he exits the owner's box and takes the elevator down to the sideline to celebrate. Turns out the journey was a tad premature. The Patriots immediately rallied and pulled off the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history (34-28 in OT). Strike one!
Then, the following year he’s awarded the privilege of watching the NCAA Championship game on his home turf with the Orange Prolapse.
Needless to say, his home state Georgia Bulldogs lost a heartbreaker to Alabama (26-23, again in OT). Strike two!
A few days ago, he hired Tennessee Offensive Coordinator to help revamp the Falcons organization.
Why Smith? Good question. It's because they share the same first name. Arthur. Rumor has it that he’s also looking to hire Arthur Bucco to be the head chef at the Mercedes Benz Superdome. His rationale was two fold. Yet again, they share the same first name. Also he beat up Doogie Howser’s buddy Vinnie a/k/a Benny.
Strike three!
Dedicated to anyone named Arthur. This parody’s a bit more heartfelt and uplifting. Not my customary scathing muse.
Arthur’s Song
sonofsaf
Falcons they wanted Arthur
Someone to turn that team around
An offensive guy, thought of as well-renowned
Shake up and try something new
But when he drinks liquor it’s always Crown
Plundering treat yourself, hey, pillage the ground
When you get caught with a spittoon well it’s not pretty
He’s neither lazy, nor a Jew
If you get caught with a spittoon well it’s not pretty
The best that you can chew
The best that you can chew is ball of cud
Arthur likes various cheeses
Just ask his wife, her bastard voice
He plays the part, he is, the real McCoy
Staying up late way past his bedtime
And working his ass off in overtime
Staffing his team to play, the best they can be
When you get caught with a spittoon well it’s not pretty
He’s neither lazy, nor a Jew
If you get caught with a spittoon well it’s not pretty
The best that you can chew
The best that you can chew is ball of cud
When you get caught with a spittoon well it’s not pretty
He’s neither lazy, nor a Jew
If you get caught with a spittoon well it’s not pretty
The best that you can chew
The best that you can chew is ball of cud
Arthur’s Theme (Best That You Can Do)
Christopher Cross
Once in your life you find her
Someone that turns your heart around
And next thing you know you're closing down the town
Wake up and it's still with you
Even though you left her way across town
Wondering to yourself, "Hey, what've I found?"
When you get caught between the Moon and New York City
I know it's crazy, but it's true
If you get caught between the Moon and New York City
The best that you can do
The best that you can do is fall in love
Arthur he does as he pleases
All of his life, he's mastered choice
Deep in his heart, he's just, he's just a boy
Living his life one day at a time
And showing himself a really good time
Laughing about the way they want him to be
When you get caught between the Moon and New York City
I know it's crazy, but it's true
If you get caught between the Moon and New York City
The best that you can do,
The best that you can do is fall in love
When you get caught between the Moon and New York City
I know it's crazy, but it's true
If you get caught between the Moon and New York City
The best that you can do,
The best that you can do is fall in love
I’ve never seen Christoper Cross in concert. Kris Kross either. Neither toured much. One of the Kris Krossers died of a heroin/cocaine overdose in 2013. Not sure which one's which. However, when I was in 2nd grade at Wheeling Country Day School back in 1978, we had an enormously obese gym teacher named Mr. Cross. He would get on the trampoline and bounce so high that all the kids would physically hold their breath. With each ascension, his head would repeatedly come dangerously close to hitting the ceiling beams of the gymnasium.
Christopher Cross’s 40th Anniversary concert was scheduled for the Carnegie Music Hall in Munhall, PA. However, it’s been postponed twice due the Covid pandemic. I’m hoping to finally see the “other Mr. Cross” on October 10, 2021. But I won’t be holding my breath.
Please do not share this information with Falcons coach Arthur Smith, Falcons owner Arthur Blank, Sopranos characters Arthur Bucco (John Ventimiglia) or Benny Fazio (Max Casella), United States President Donald Trump, musician Christopher Cross, the living remainder of Kris Kross, users of smokeless tobacco, Crown Royal drinkers, and/or the Jews.
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