#22. No Porter

The New York Mets just fired their General Manager, Jared Porter, for sending inappropriate text messages to a female sports journalist.  You know... sexually suggestive material, dick picks, and who knows what else.  But here's the two peculiar aspects. 

1.  The female reporter claims they only met once.  Briefly in an elevator at Yankee Stadium.  And then he unilaterally sends 60+ consecutive, unsolicited text messages and 16 pictures.  No replies whatsoever.  And lo and behold, it all cums down to the final, de nu mont seventeenth.  Which just so happens to be illustrated in the form of a personal groiner.  Still nothing.  1500+ days of silence pass.

2.  The other weird part about this... it all happened five years ago.  Back in 2016 when he was with the Chicago Cubs orgy-nization.  And he also spent several years with the Arizona Diamondbacks.  So it would appear that neither of these other "professional" clubs had an issue with "Jaredama Porterama's" throbbing mojo.

Five years is a relatively substantial time lag.  Oh, but what the hell, let's just say better late than never.  

Hear me out here.  There just seems to be a veritable plethora of creeper guys named Jared these days. 

First you got the Jared Subway guy.  Molesting the middle aged school girls (and probably boys).  It's the age old question I suppose - to pube or not to pube.

Then you got the Orange Prolapse's nephew.  Fuck him and the whore he rode in on.

And now you got Jared Porter!   Whatevs.

Dedicated to all the people, who whenever they finish watching a Jared Jewelry commercial, feel the need to chime in at the end with a shrill, obligatory... JAAAAREDDD!

 

No Porter
sonofsaf

Chose a whore, with all my might
No, she said go fly a kite
I texted her a job to blow
She wanted more just needed sold

She wants to feel my ball sack too
They broke the news for me and you, oh
It hurts my cash when there’s no flow
They fired Porter
They fired Porter, oh

Walk off runs will meet the Mets
The grand slam hits they’ll greet the best
My ass a crack a gaping hole
Shake the bedroom strap-on dildo

They broke the news for me and you
She made me scream I’m not a Jew, oh, oh, oh
It hurts my cash when there’s no flow
They fired Porter… 

 

No Quarter
Led Zeppelin

Close the door, put out the light
No, they won't be home tonight
The snow falls hard and don't you know?
The winds of Thor are blowing cold

They're wearing steel that's bright and true
They carry news that must get through, oh
They choose the path where no-one goes
They hold no quarter
They hold no quarter, oh

Walking side-by-side with death
The devil mocks their every step, ooh
The snow drives back the foot that's slow
The dogs of doom are howling more

They carry news that must get through
To build a dream for me and you, oh, oh, oh
They choose the path where no one goes
They hold no quarter…

Zeppelin-oriented concerts

3-25-95, Jimmy Page & Robert Plant, Civic Arena, Pittsburgh, PA
6-28-00, Jimmy Page w/ The Black Crowes, Post-Gazette Pavilion, Burgettstown, PA

...and a few Led Zeppelin tribute bands along the way.  The 2000 Star Lake show was one of my all-time faves.  Hands down.  Oddly enough, I barely even remember the '95 gig at the Igloo.

Do not share this information with the following MLB organizations: New York Mets, Arizona Diamondbacks, Chicago Cubs.  Also, the Jareds:  Fogle, Kushner, Porter and their jewelry store employees.  Also, Robert Plant, Jimmy Page and/or fans of the rock'n'roll band Led Zeppelin.